#sorry for being dead; was depressi

[miku-meeku]

have you seen the new whitney content hehehehehe

[wtf-amiru]

It's my birthday and all I feel like doing is sitting in the hospital and crying at the doctor's bc jfc I'd like to be able to eat please

[jeonggyunho]

ive been feeling super shitty and dysphoric recently so i’m just gonna rant about it to try and get it out of my system (since i can’t rant about it to my mum when she gets home since my stepdad is home and he doesn’t know shit lmao)

i dunno if i need to put a disclaimer or a warning for this rant but there’s gonna be talks of dysphoria and transitioning and hating my body lmao

to start, i realized today that i’m complete shit at recognizing my emotions but moreso what’s causing them,, for example: i was super depressy yesterday because i thought all of my friends hate me and that i’m annoying and not funny and that no one wants to actually talk to me ever so that was a fun time,, but in art class today someone who i talked to mentioned that he thought i was a boy when i walked in on the first day and continued to think that until i spoke,, and to preface this: it isn’t his fault that i’m feeling like shit right now lmao he doesn’t know that i’m trans so he wasn’t doing anything on purpose,, but just hearing from someone that they thought that you were the gender that you’re trying to pass as (for me it’s male) and then immediately telling you that your voice or your chest or your hips just have it away frustrates me to absolutely NO end (again, not his fault lmao)

but just finding out that something you were doing to pass WAS working and that you were passing only to have something that you genuinely can’t change yet sell you out and tell people ‘no, you’re biologically a girl no matter how hard you try to pass as a guy’ is really upsetting and frustrating to me, especially since i can’t do shit right now to change those parts. i’m seeing a gender therapist and she’s amazing,, she’s genuinely great and super supportive (after the first day she changed my name in her system to ryan and is understanding that on the bill is has to say my dead name in order for insurance to go through) and she’s told me that she can see that i have gender dysphoria along with other issues that we’re dealing with (like my SHIT body image dkdkkf) but she also agrees with me to wait a little bit longer before making the full diagnosis just so we both know that i’m not faking anything or misinterpretating anything (even though she’s assured me that i’m not i just want to be super sure),, and all i need in order to start testosterone is her diagnosis and my family doctors consent,, that is ALL i need in order to have my body start to change to fit what my mind wants it to be but there’s so many social things that are standing in the way of me starting my medical transition. for example: only ONE person at my school knows and she only figured out because my personal laptop said ryan and asked me about it,, people at my old school know about it (only after i left lmaoo) and a good number of my friends know (who don’t currently go to my school djdjfj), but the biggest roadblock preventing me from starting my transition is my stepdad. we genuinely don’t know if he would be supportive or not and he is basically the only person in my family that i see consistently asides from my stepbrothers who doesn’t know that i’m trans. not only are me and my mum worried about telling him in case something happens, but we also have a trip booked for march as a celebration that both me and my stepbrother are graduating this year. super fun right? it is! except for the fact that my mum wants me to wait until after the trip is done so in case something happens with him we won’t be out all of this money.

long story short,, my dysphoria keeps getting worse and is making so many things that i used to enjoy impossible for me. i was going to join the swim team this year to get into shape and do something that i used to love when i was younger and i thought that i would be completely fine wearing a female swim suit since i’d be doing something that i loved but the mere THOUGHT of putting on that swim suit got me so insanely stressed out that i didn’t go near my dresser for a week lmao so i can’t do the swim team anymore. i went shopping for clothes with my grandma this past weekend and even though i shopped in the guys section, all i could see was my hips and my chest reminding me again that i’m not biologically male which sucks ASS,, also funnier story,, in bio we’re learning about hormones and we’re moving onto the reproductive system next week where we’ll be talking about the male reproductive system that includes testosterone and even with the few tiny mentions of it,, i’ve had to physically stop myself from saying ‘god do i want some of that testosterone juice’ in front of a bunch of people who don’t know that i’m trans,,, it’s an issue which isn’t good dkdkkf

anyways there’s my rant and me being upset and depressed that i feel like shit lmao sORRY FOR THE LONG POST