#sorry for all the text posts im avoiding my homework lmao

[samiferboy]

we are whump fans first and people second

[thedankfaerie]

I don't know how to do a read more post on Tumblr mobile first of all. So sorry. Second of all I have a personal blog where I usually post shit like this but I really just need to vent and at this point, I don't care where I'm venting. Just had my ~shower cry~ and I am fresh with feelings and need to get it out so I can understand myself. Just scroll past this LOL

I feel like I'm really trying so hard at school and I'm just failing. Which sucks. Because it's my last year and I told myself this would be my best year. I'm actually really trying, I've been doing all my homework and readings. I'm not used to getting bad grades to be honest, I'm usually a straight A student but today I got a paper back and I got 64% on it even though I worked so hard on it that I was excited to get my mark back. On top of that, I failed one of my reading responses in another class because apparently I did the wrong prompt and I had no idea so wow, what a great start to my year. It's just really fucking frustrating to know I'm actually trying for a change and everything's just going to shit. Literally the only highlight of my week is my placement in my kindergarten class because my kids mean everything to me and they're the only actually good thing I have in my life. Im so honoured to be their teacher, they're my pride and joy. And when I'm not in placement it feels like everything just crumbles and I go back to being a failure. One of my kids made me a bracelet that I wear everyday (even wore it in my grad photo) and it's so important to me because it's my little reminder of my kids. But that's all it is. I can wear this bracelet all I want but I'm still getting shit grades after trying my best.

Also I just feel like all my friends secretly just hate me. And I just feel like I can't be 100% myself with them, because they get annoyed by me. It's not my fault I get too drunk or I get bored of clubbing and being out after a few hours, I can't help it, it's never been my thing. It's fun when I'm drunk but even when I'm drunk I'm "too drunk". Last time we went out I got too drunk, we got kicked out and I remember sitting in some place trying to explain to them to let me talk but they all just kept coming at me and cutting me off and telling me how stupid I'm being and how I'm coming in the way of them having a good time. One of them left me to go smoke a cigarette, one of them cut me off every time I talked and then walked away, and the other threatened to just leave me there. And yes I was drunk but in that entire experience that's the thing I remember very vividly. I'm the kind of person that replays embarrassing moments in my head 24/7 and that memory replays nonstop and reminds me how stupid they made me feel. I'm sick of feeling like I have to turn on "fun Angela" so that we can go clubbing and do all this shit I get tired of after 2 hours, or else they'll get mad and make me feel guilty. With my friends it feels like I'm always there to answer their calls if they're upset and need to rant but the minute I post in the group chat saying "lol I think I'm kinda having a breakdown can I text someone" I just get ignored. And the worst part is I can literally see who saw my post. And they did. They just chose to ignore me. And I hate that. Because if I tell them this, they'll suddenly start checking up on me but I wish I had friends that I didn't have to tell to check up on me.

Today I was thinking about my birthday weekend in November and how I really wanted to go to emo night. It's the only time I can enjoy being out the entire night cause it's music I like and the company is chill (I can't stand people at clubs). But only one of my friends would genuinely enjoy it so I started off only asking her. With my other friends I can tell it's not their thing when we go. they just stand there not knowing what to do cause they don't really listen to that music, and I didn't wanna invite them somewhere where they would feel obligated to stay just because it's my birthday. I made this decision with them in mind. I began rethinking this decision and brought it up to one of my friends and told her that I've been going back and forth with this decision for my birthday and was unsure myself if it was the right thing to do. and she goes "lol that's really rude. I'm so offended" and for a second I'm like ?????? I literally explained to you how I made this decision with you guys in mind and I'm still somehow rude? I was really embarrassed by that and for some reason I just felt like crying at that moment.

I feel like at the end of the day I actually have no friends that I can talk to about my problems. And there's nobody out there who checks up on me. I feel like I am always there for them but nobody's there for me. And I feel like I can't be 100% myself around them because they get annoyed if I wanna leave or they get annoyed when I get drunk to enjoy myself, meanwhile the only reason I'm getting drunk is to make being out feel less like a chore for me. Everything in my life right now feels like it's backfiring and everyone probably thinks I'm ok but nope haha jokes on u. I just distract myself with work to avoid crying, or I just bottle everything up until I have a mental breakdown by myself where I'm staring at my contacts trying to figure out who I can text, and realizing I have nobody, lmao.

You know Tove Lo in the Habits video? That's LEGIT ME