#sorry for adding drama to your reblog wrath

[f-a-b-l-e]

Dutch person chiming in:

I think I've got some missing context that might help y'all understand why we don't bother wearing helmets here.

1) Cycling trips are just shorter here! According to the Dutch Central Bureau Of Statistics, in 2021 people cycled for a good 15 minutes per day. That means the trip is 7 minutes long, because you have to get there and get home.

If your trip is only 7 minutes long you're not going to bother with a helmet, cause putting on and taking off the helmet, even if it only takes one minute, would take 1/7th of the actual trip.

The risk of an accident happening is also reduced just on the basis of the trip taking less time. Your exposure to risks is reduced. Of course we do cycle more than americans annually, but there's also the psychological aspect: why would I bother with a helmet on the off chance that these 15 minutes are the ones in which I crash?

2) infrastructure!! I bet all the people in this thread have never been to the Netherlands, because they'd understand immediately that cycling in the Netherlands is just saver by default. The youtube channel Not Just Bikes has an excellent video comparing what it's like to cycle in Calgary and in Amsterdam. Even I wouldn't have the guts to take that cycling trip in Calgary, are you nuts? Anyway, watch the video and you'll understand. He didn't cherrypick his dutch route, dutch cycling infrastructure Is Just Like That™.

3) the culture. Everyone who drives a car also rides a bike. Everyone who participates in traffic also rides a bike. This is so, so important to grasp for anyone talking about this who doesn't live in the Netherlands.

Lastly, I know that "I don't know anyone who's gotten badly injured in an accident" is anecdotal evidence, but your survivor's bias also doesn't hold up because uhh... I also don't know anyone who's died in a traffic accident? I do know people who've been in an accident (my brother twice actually) but since traffic is slower in places where people cycle, I feel like traffic injuries are also less bad. I don't have a source on that, but as I said this is all anecdotal anyways so it shouldn't matter. I do have some data on traffic deaths though: some raw data and an article.

The light blue (the first in the list under the graph) is bicyles. Yeah. Let that sink in.

As you can see, most of the people dying in bicycle accidents are old people. If you ask me, old people should absolutely wear helmets, but also there's a real problem of old people still going out on a bicycle when they should just. Not. My own grandparents are a great example of this: my grandfather faints a lot, but he still cycles. Like dude. Do you want to die? Anecdotal evidence again, but ask any dutch person and they'll know of this social problem. There's also been a rise in the use of electrical bikes amongst the elderly, which I theorise has a large part in why they have so many cycling deaths.

Anyway, ignore the old people and you can see that even though we have more bicycles than cars in this country (23.5 million vs 8.9 million - with a population of 17.5 million) most fatal traffic accidents happen in a car, and not on a bike.

Footnote: bicycles themselves are also different here. They're heavier, but sturdier. You cycle sitting up like you're sitting in a chair. This makes the trip more comfortable, but also slower (and thus safer). Once again Not Just Bikes has a very good video on the subject.

So. I don't even know what else I can say to make you see something that's obvious for anyone who's ever lived here. The main takeaway is that

taking part in traffic is fundamentally different here.

And that

if you don't grasp that, you don't have any business talking about traffic in the Netherlands.

Thanks for listening.

re: helmets, Literally no one in the netherlands wears helmets when cycling. If you do see someone w a helmet theyre either 1. a race cyclists or 2. german tourists. I also genuinely do not know anyone whos had a serious head injury whilst cycling. This includes like, drunk students who cycle home.

I mean, you do, because you're talking to someone who flipped over his handlebars, nearly died, and spent days in the hospital. I wasn't involved in a car accident and I wasn't going very fast or biking recklessly. I had my little sister with me so I was looking after her and we were biking carefully - I was always more careful when Cari was with me. I may have hit a pothole or a rock or my brakes may have malfunctioned. We don't know and I don't remember the entire accident.

Like, I get that you culturally don't do that, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. There's no argument to me to be made about bike helmets the same way there's no argument to be made about seatbelts. If you wear one, you might look like a dork or a German, I guess. If you don't, you might end up like me, flipping over the handlebars of your bike and puking on yourself for several days while you try not to die.

I'm genuinely baffled by the idea that city bikes are somehow immune to severe head injuries or that cars are the reason for lots of bike accidents so without car hazards you just don't need a helmet at all. The average cycling speed is 8-14mph in the Netherlands - do you ... get what happens to a skull when it hits things at 10mph?

If y'all want to ride around like that, I think you're foolish as hell, but I can't stop you. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[shewhowantsmouseears]

Welcome To Spookyville! Chapter 5

Notes: As always, big thanks to my amazing editors, Drucilla and BlueShifted! In addition to all the commas, grammar and other mistakes I tend to make, they also added in plenty of their own jokes to make this nonsensical time extra hilarious.

Well, it's the final chapter, I hope you all enjoyed this odd ride. As experiments go, I think this was an interesting one, but not one I'll revisit anytime soon. As much as I enjoy making people laugh, I do miss writing drama and true love.

Big thanks to my pals Chllstarr, Denise, and Cici, and wayyy too many of you nutty folks who, for years, demanded I wrote more of Witch Minnie and poor Mayor Mickey. I hope this satisfied your craving, you lovable weirdos. Naturally, I also thank all my fans who left comments, reblogged, and so forth - each one means the world to me and keeps me going.

Happy Halloween, again, and may your days be less spooky than Mickey's!

Summary: In the final tale of Spookyville, a villain returns with a nefarious scheme... by using another villain! Are they getting as lazy as the author?

For the final tale in Spookyville, we return once more to the pumpkin-filled park, where our heroes – protagonists? – maybe “main victims” is the best term – were quietly passing the time, waiting patiently for another man's arrival. Goofy had set up a lovely picnic, and Donald and Mickey were eating away, their manners impeccable and their taste buds questionable. As they waited, they discussed the topic of the day – the word “normal”.

Normal is relative in Spookyville. If something happens to you enough times, you might consider it normal for your day to day life. Today, for example, Mayor Mickey found it normal to have received a letter from warlock Mortimer to meet him in the town square for another magic duel. Ever since Mortimer lost Minnie's affections to the Mayor (not that he ever had them [in any universe]), he had tried to take Spookyville over in retribution by challenging Mickey to these ridiculous battles, and had lost in utter humiliation each and every time. Since Mickey's magic was much stronger, and Mortimer's mind was much weaker, these became more like chores than epic duels to the death.

“For a guy who claims to be the best student at his school,” Donald said in-between cookie bites, “he sure doesn't learn his lesson.”

“Maybe we should write Headmaster Scrooge about this.” Mickey picked up a cup of pumpkin spice tea. “I don't want to get Mortimer in more trouble than he's already been in, but if a person doesn't learn from their mistakes, they're doomed to repeat them.” He was about to take a sip when his nose picked up on the fact that this didn't smell like pumpkin at all. He glanced downward, and instead of an orange color in his cup, it was pink, the steam looking like a mixture of a heart and a skull with crossbones. “Speaking of doom that repeats for eternity...”

“Hey guys! What’re you doing here?” Minnie chirped happily, right next to Mickey, holding up a gigantic kettle of love-potion tea, if it could be called that. By this point, the three men were no longer shocked she could sneak up on them with more stealth than your average anime ninja.

Donald held up a small envelope between his fingers. “Same reason as you, I bet.” Mickey silently dumped his tea onto the grass, pretending he didn't see it wither and die.

“AND NOW, THE HOUR OF HIS DEFEAT IS NIGH!” In a puff of hazardous blue smoke, Mortimer appeared before our heroes, flaunting his expensive robes and holding up a brand new spell book. “I wanted the people closest to the mayor to see his ultimate downfall! For this is the day I triumph over him once and for all! He will rue the day he didn’t hand over the town to me peacefully when we first met! Now he will know the true wrath of Warlock Mortimer, the most powerful… are any of you listening to me?!”

Another normality of Spookyville was Mortimer’s dull bragging monologues, so when the blue smoke appeared, the small group did their usual business – Goofy poofing up a brand new pot of tea to pour for the mayor, Donald informing Mickey about the day’s schedule while Mickey tried to arrange the best times, and Minnie clinging to his arm and trying to earn a kiss out of him. Mickey was the first to notice Mortimer had stopped talking. “Oh, uh, sorry. Go on.”

“I challenge you, mayor!” Mortimer pointed a demanding finger towards Mickey, while the mayor calmly tried to push Minnie's face away from his own. “To a magic duel! And the winner becomes Mayor of Spookyville! Do you accept?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.” Mickey waved off his group, and they gave him enough space for him to start doing his stretch exercises. “Can we wrap this up a little quicker today? I’m supposed to give a speech at noon for the Ghoul Scouts. They have a new badge for 'Warning Citizens About Minnie'.”

“It's so adorable!” Minnie added, having poofed up a pair of pompoms to cheer for her beloved. “It almost makes me sorry for trying to use their cookies in last weeks plan! At least only fifteen people got sick this time.”

“Your arrogance will be your downfall today!” Mortimer flipped open his book, and pressed his thumb down on the chosen page. “I only need one spell to take care of you!” The page began to glow black with red letters, giving off a dangerous air. “This is the ultimate Summoning Magic! Long has it been forbidden, but I am the one who can tame its invincible power! Take this, former mayor of Spookyville!” The glow of morbid colors swirled together, and then shot out of the book, blasting towards Mickey. The mayor braced himself, crossing his arms in front of him. The blast hit him –

And went right through him. Mickey blinked, not feeling a twinge of pain anywhere. Not even his clothes registered a tear or a fold. The blast was already gone, and for everyone who was looking at this battle, it was as if nothing had happened. Mickey waited a moment, and then clicked his tongue. “… So, uh, are we done here? Like I said, I got a speech to do, and those girls get ornery if I'm late…”

“I HAVE ALREADY TRIUMPHED!” Mortimer declared way too loudly, doing his trademark obnoxious laugh. “Maybe I can never defeat you, but I know who can! You will defeat you!”

“… I wanna say that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard you say, but I’m gunna guess you still got plenty to say.” He rolled his eyes at his opponent’s gloating, but in doing so, now noticed a red swirl floating just about his head. The red swirl turned and turned over and over until it became rectangular, and then it solidified, turning into a red door. The door then swung open, and someone hopped onto the ground.

It was another Mickey – and yet so not Mickey! Unlike the mayor, this Mickey’s outfit was composed of blood rich reds, from his top hat, to his flowing overcoat, and whatever wasn’t red was nightly black and decorated in yellow spider-webs. His hat boasted a proud yellow bat insignia, his spider-web collar popped out around his neck, and even his eyes were red as the fires of hell. He smirked wickedly at those who had gone silent due to being stunned – except Minnie, who had started cheering “Whoo-hoo, two mayors!” after she pinched herself to make sure she wasn’t having that dream she typically had on Tuesday nights.

“Behold, former Mayor!” Mortimer slammed his book shut, now that he was certain in his victory. “I have come across a spell that takes all your worst traits, and creates a second you! All of your sins, all of your hidden evil thoughts, all that you try to hide… that will be your undoing! I deem him… Malice Mickey! Now, Malice Mickey! Destroy my enemy, and make me the new mayor!”

Malice Mickey glanced over at Mortimer, and then stuck his hands in his pants pockets. “Nah.”

“… N-Nah?!” Mortimer dropped his book, unable to believe what he had just heard. “Hey, I just brought you into life! Now go and get me the title of Mayor!”

“Why should I?” Malice Mickey shrugged, and began to take a good look at his surroundings, as the stupefied others stared back and forth at the two bickering. “You said it yourself… you can’t beat me. So I’m gunna take over Spookyville!” He grinned, exposing sharp fangs as devious plans began to grow in his twisted mind. “I’ll flip over all the rules, and make it into my perfect home! No more mister nice guy… this place is all mine now!”

“You ungrateful brat!” Mortimer hissed, trying to pick up his fallen book. “I made you, I can unmake you! All I need to do is go back to that page and-”

Malice Mickey snapped his fingers, and the shadow behind him suddenly rolled around, turning into a horrid beam of pure darkness, blasting right at Mortimer. Unlike Mortimer’s attack, which hadn’t even caused Mickey to flinch, this blast actually did some blasting – Mortimer was now a flat pancake in the walls of the nearby coffee shop. Malice Mickey dusted himself off, enjoying the startled audience. “My powers are of darkness and shadows. I guess you could call it... Malice Magic!” He was evil, not creative. “I can use anything with a shadow as a weapon. So, who’s next?”

“Leave this menace up to us, Mister Mayor!” Donald and Goofy took fighting stances as they stood in front of their mayor, willing to end the problem right there. “It’s still you, deep down! And he has our memories, our loves together, our bonds in his heart! He’ll definitely be reluctant in attacking us! We’ll use our friendship to our advantage! He won’t be able to touch us!”

Six seconds later, Goofy and Donald joined Mortimer as they were embedded into the thick coffee shop walls. “Sorry about that, fellas!” Mayor Mickey called out when the debris had stopped falling.  “I promise to give you more vacation days to make up for it!” He ignored the fact that Donald was probably giving him a different finger than a thumbs-up, and faced his opponent. “I ain’t givin’ up my title to someone who’s just gunna cause trouble! You better go back where you came from!”

“Am I supposed to be scared of a goody-two-shoes?” Malice Mickey laughed, and clenched his fists as he prepared for another spell. “You always hold back your real power because you want to protect your precious home… but I’ve got no conscience, no guilt, no shame! This town is mine, right after I get rid of you!” His shadow began to move again, and another attack of sheer darkness was launched at the mayor before he had time to react.

But this attack would not land, as two thin, red magical shields were held up just in time to deflect it. When the pom-pom shields came down, witch Minnie proud stood in front of the mayor, actually capable of protecting him, when she wasn't the one after him. “No one’s getting rid of my Mayor!” she announced with her hands on her hips, and for once in his life, the mayor was glad to be the object of her obsession. “He’s the best mayor Spookyville has ever had, and no handsome madman in good pants is going to change that!”

Malice Mickey carefully studied his opponent, allowing his shadow to return to its normal shape. His red eyes went over her in detail, and then he casually strode up to her, licking his lips. “Mmm… speakin’ of no shame…” He came right up to her, cupping her chin in his gloved fingers. “How’s about when I become Mayor, I make you my secretary? I promise I’m real good at dictation.”

“H-HEY!” Mayor Mickey yanked Minnie back by her shoulders, flustered by a man wearing his face making such lewd insinuations. “This is a Disney Story! You almost made us change the Rating! Where do you get off sayin’ that?! … On second thought, don't answer that.” Minnie, meanwhile, was having a mental meltdown, unable to believe what she had just experienced but very eager to experience it again.

“If you're not gunna use her, why can’t I?” Malice Mickey yanked her forwards, giving her a swift pat on the tail. “And I can think of a lotta uses for her.”

“Get your hands off of her!” Mickey grabbed a hold of Minnie’s hand, trying to get her back.

Malice Mickey grabbed her other hand, and the tug of war began. “Last time I checked, you wanted to get rid of yer stalker. You don’t want her, so I’m takin’ her.”

“J-Just because I don’t want her doesn’t mean you can have her!”

“C’mon, Mins, let’s ditch this loser and have some fun on the dark side.”

“Don’tcha listen to him, Minnie! He’s nothin’ but trouble!”

Back at the marginally destroyed coffee shop, the three victims had managed to peel themselves off the wall and began painfully crawling back to Mortimer’s dropped spell book. “If I can just get back to that page,” Mortimer groaned while on his hands and knees, yet also holding a fresh cup of java. “I can use a counteractive spell and get rid of him.”

“We gotta do it quick,” Goofy whispered so the trio wouldn’t be caught. “Or else Malice Mickey will take over all of Spookyville, and we’re all doomed!”

“Actually,” Donald pointed to the small group of mice. “I think we’ve got plenty of time.” The three of them paused to watch the oddly hilarious tug and pull go on, and judging by Minnie’s deliriously happy expression, she was the one winning the game.

“… So if Malice Mickey is made up of all of the Mayor’s hidden bad traits…” Goofy said slowly as he tried to explain his question. “… Does that mean he actually likes Min-”

“I don’t think the Mayor’s mental state is ready to deal with those kinds of ramifications,” Donald answered rapidly, hoping enough big words would stall Goofy’s intelligence from coming up with any more dangerously accurate lines of reasoning.

As for the game of mice, Malice Mickey swept up a victory by flipping Minnie over his shoulders and beginning to run away with her, manically cackling all the while as Minnie kicked her heels back and forth in confused glee. Mayor Mickey pushed his hat forward, beginning to snarl as he took chase. “After him, men! He’s gunna take Minnie out on a date!”

“And take over Spookyville,” Goofy reminded him.

“That too!”

~*~

Little known fact about vampires – their favorite color is blood red. As a result, they enjoy filling their homes with red things, such as red roses. Daisy Duck was at the flower boutique, hoping to buy a fresh bouquet for her coffin, genuinely surprised she was in another chapter as she had assumed she was a one-chapter joke. This was only slightly less surprising than the roof being ripped off by a gigantic shadow, and a copy of the Mayor hopping down to the floor with the infamous witch in his arms. But only slightly.

“A perfect location for the start of our date!” Malice Mickey decided, as the customers and employees all also decided that whatever was happening, they didn't want any part of it, and promptly left like a stampede of lion-killing wildebeests. “What better way to kick things off than with a boy giving his best girl fresh flowers?” He plucked off a forget-me-now from the shelf, having forgotten-now this wasn't Minnie's favorite. “Can't get anymore romantic than that!”

Minnie cupped her chin in thought as she took the flower. This was a conundrum! “On the one hand, you are the Mayor, sort of,” she explained out loud, plucking a petal off. “On the other hand, I fell in love with the Mayor for his positive traits.” Pluck. “But you're willing to actually hold me and date me and ignore the massive property damage I cause.” Pluck. “But the way Mickey sobs into his pillow at night over the way I dent the city's budget is so adorable...” Pluck.

The door to the shop opened so hard that the cute bell atop went flying, smacking Malice Mickey's hat off. Mayor Mickey and his cronies stood in the doorway, panting hard, having sprinted all the way there. They spotted Daisy first. “Miss! Have you seen my evil clone and my obsessive fangirl?”

“It's a sad state of affairs that there's not a single weird thing in your sentences anymore,” Daisy said as she pointed them in the right direction, before waving to Donald. “Hi babe. Dinner at eight?”

“This time, can I please not be the dinner?”

Malice Mickey growled, putting his hat back on. If he was going to murder someone, he was going to do it with style. “Get lost, dweebs! I'm not letting you ruin my date!”

“And I'm not letting you date Minnie!” Mickey countered.

“And take over Spookyville,” Goofy reminded him again.

“And that too!”

“Then I'll just have to get rid of you the hard way!” Malice Mickey warned, as Minnie had now stripped at least seven flowers of their petals as she continued to debate her boyfriend options. He raised a hand, and began to fire off more blasts from his infernal shadow powers, which were thankfully so vague the author didn't have to think too hard about it.

The trio ducked under a heavy shade of nightshade, trying to go through their options, while Daisy plucked a straw from her purse – if this was going to be a bloodbath, might as well get a free meal out of it. “We're in trouble, Mayor!” Donald stated the obvious. “It's the last chapter, so the writer is going to be extra lazy in an effort to get this thing done and over with! There could be all kinds of badly written plot twists and deus ex machinas!”

“Or a deus ex mouse-ina., Goofy couldn't help himself, and thus felt he had earned it when Donald kicked him into the line of fire.

“We'll just have to make due!” Mickey opened his cape, summoning one of his many doors. “Concentrate on finding that spell! I'll distract him! Open Sesame!” It was a flower shop, so it made sense to magically command a door full of bees! They swarmed Malice Mickey, but not Minnie, because animals have a natural sense not to attack things they know will destroy them in the blink of an eye.

While Malice Mickey yelped and tried to dodge the stream of stings, Minnie sighed, running out of flowers to ruin. “This is really hard! Maybe I should just flip a coin.”

“Great idea, babe!” Malice Mickey grabbed her wrist, pointing down to his shadow. “As the new Mayor, the city's money is my money too! Let's go shopping!” With that, he hopped into his shadow, vanishing along with his stolen bride.

“Oh, come on, that's taking lazy writing to the max!” Mayor Mickey moaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. “If he keeps getting new abilities whenever he feels like it, we'll never be able to stop them!”

“But this book is huge!” Donald held it up, showing off the thick pages and ineligible handwriting. “I can't even begin to find the spell Mortimer used! How can we find the counter-spell before it's too late? Can't we just have the author go back and delete that note, so we have an easier time?”

Goofy sat up, having been blasted to bits by Malice Mickey's line of fire but still having enough strength left over to drop the next plot point. “Well... since he came from the book, what if we just put him back in there?”

Mickey snapped his fingers. “That's brilliant, Goofy! We'll smash him between the pages, like when I used Donald's schedule-book to kill that pesky fly this morning!”

“Exactly! … Wait, what did you do my book?”

~*~

The First National Bank of Spookyville was normally a quiet, boring place, as most banks are. Being a Halloween-themed bank didn't really change that aspect, save for the fact most of the coins inside were chocolate and covered in fake gold foil. Minnie wound up more interested in eating them than flipping them, which only made choosing which Mickey she preferred all the more difficult. It was also difficult to think clearly when Malice Mickey was making so much noise ripping the vault doors open and laughing evilly as he shoved money into his pockets. “Mwahahaha! All the money in Spookyville belongs to me! It's my right to use it however I want! A new mansion, fancy cars, and most expensive of all, a decent phone service!”

The tellers hid in a corner, afraid of this “new side” of the Mayor. “A politician who is actually honest about their corruption... What's next? Celebrities admitting they actually use plastic surgery?! Spookyville can't handle this kind of reality!”

“Spookyville won't have a choice!” Malice Mickey slammed down a bag of cash, before standing on top of it proudly. “New rules for a new Mayor! I'm going to turn this place upside-down and inside-out!Everyone will have to do whatever I say, and I get to do anything I want! In fact, why settle for being a mere mayor? No more elections! No more votes! For my first act, I declare myself as the forever ruler of Spookyville... King Mickey!”

With that settled, Malice Mickey jumped in front of Minnie, ready to win her over. “How does that sound? Simple and Clean, right?”

Minnie “hmm”ed about it, flipping another chocolate coin in her mouth to give a thoughtful chew. “You know, when you walk away, you don't hear me say-”

“Please, oh baby, don't go?”

“No.” Minnie held up a flat hand to stop the musical. “I'm in love with Mayor Mickey, not King Mickey. I'm starting to wonder if you're just too different from the man I want to be with. If I have to think this much about it, doesn't that say something?” Aside from the fact that this story needed to be stretched out.

“But if I'm King, I'll need a Queen!” Malice Mickey threw an arm around Minnie's shoulders. “Think of it – Queen Minnie! What comes to mind when you hear that?”

“Being a laggy Escort Mission?”

“Besides that,” He cleared his throat. “No rules, no limits! You can do whatever you want, to whoever you want, and never suffer any consequences!”

“How is that any different than what I do now?”

Malice Mickey needed a few seconds to come up with a better answer. “Less puns?”

This was, admittedly, a tempting offer. She thought of it while the Mayor and his lackeys once again caught up to the doorway, out of breath and needing to grab a glass of water before they could manage to speak. “Why is it,” Donald said after a haggard breath, “Witches can fly wherever they want, but warlocks have to run? This town is too big!”

“At the next meeting, let's bring up the idea of moving sidewalks again...” Mickey wiped sweat off his forehead before continuing the story. “Hold it right there, you demonic deuce! And stop holding Minnie! Whatever it takes, I will not let you date her!”

“And take over Spooky – aw, forget it.”

Malice Mickey began to stomp forward, irritation clear on his face. “You've interrupted me for the last time, Squeaky and Clean! I'm going to wipe you off the map! My shadows are endless, I can never run out of them!”

“Ditto for my doors!” Mickey countered, holding up his cape. “I never run out of places to send or things to summon! If we want, this could be an epic battle for the ages with intricate detail and breathless exposition!”

Faced with the idea of a never-ending duel of magic, they decided to just do plain old fisticuffs.

“LADY, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST TAKE ONE CREATIVE WRITING COURSE?!”

Malice Mickey launched himself at his better half, and the childish brawl began, mostly with slaps but also with the occasion punch, kick, and bite. Goofy and Donald didn't dare interfere, just because this looked really childish, especially as Malice gave Mickey an epic noogie. Still, the match wasn't going to make any progress anytime soon. After all, they were equally matched, with equal strength, equal weaknesses, and equal stubbornness. This could have gone on all day and all night.

Which suited Minnie just fine, as she wondered if she could get this image to replay for her every morning when she got out of bed. But this wasn't solving her problem.

With great reluctance, Donald inched over to Minnie, holding out the book that started the whole mess. “If we could just smush the evil double into the book, he'd be gone. You're stronger than all of us, by some cruel twist of fate, so could you do us all a favor and get this over with?”

“I don't know...” Minnie clicked her tongue. “It is kind of nice having the Mayor fight for me! Why should I stop this right now? Maybe the other guy can stick around so the Mayor can keep on chasing me! I can't think of anything better than that!”

Both Mickeys heard this loud and clear, and it became clear to the Mayor that there was only one way out of this. He'd have to say the words he had been dreading since he first learned of Minnie's insane desire for him. It was time to reach into the very depths of his soul and pull out his earnest, honest feelings. Men could only hold onto their pride for so long! He knew Minnie better than anyone, so knew exactly what she wanted to hear.

It was time to use... the d-word.

Mayor Mickey kicked Malice Mickey off him, and on one knee, slammed his hand down to the floor. “Minnie! I just have one thing to say, and if it won't change your mind, I'll give up! I promise I'll leave the both of you alone to do whatever PG-13 things you want!”

Malice Mickey snorted, his arrogant nose high in the air. “What could you possibly say that'll make her choose you over me?”

Mayor Mickey inhaled deeply, eyes shut, mentally readying himself. When he opened his eyes, he stared right at Minnie, who was very curious about this turn of events. “Minnie Mouse... If you defeat Malice Mickey... I'll go on a date with you.”

Three seconds of silence passed – Malice Mickey burst into uproarious laughter. “A date?! That's it? You think she'll get rid of me for one lousy date? You must be out of your-”

BA-THONK, apparently, is the sound of a heavy open book smashed into the skull of an evil clone.

BA-THONK!

BA-THONK!

BA-THONK!

BABABABABABA-THONKTHONKTHONKTHONKTHONKTHONK-

“I think he's in already.” Goofy timidly suggested, as Minnie continued to slam the magic book down on the space Malice Mickey used to be. Indeed, he had poofed back inside after the first hit, but Minnie wanted to be extra sure, and thus kept banging the book into the floor until there was a certifiable crack in the marble.

Satisfied, Minnie closed the book. “All done! When are we going out?”

“You can't be serious,” Donald scoffed. “He just said that to get you to help out!”

“Now, now, Donald.” Mickey began to stand up, brushing his outfit down and notably not making eye-contact with Minnie. “I am a man of my word. I said I'll go on a date with her, and that's what I'll do. We'll arrange it and everything.”

Goofy placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. “That's awfully considerate of you, Mickey! I think I respect you more than I ever did before!” Even Donald had to admit this was rather amazing, and he felt his soul moved! Both men were in awe of Mickey's bravery!

“So, Donald, arrange a date... for April 31st.”

Both men were in awe of Mickey's cowardice.

Minnie threw her arms around Mickey for a tight squeeze, unable to stop giggling. “Oh, I can't wait! This has made today's weirdness all worth it! I love you sooo much, my Mayor!” With a smooch to his cheek, she twirled around, delirious with joy. “I'll love you forever and ever and ever, no matter what! Oh, I'm so excited, I want to start preparing for it right away!” She stuck two fingers in her mouth, whistling for her flying broom to pick her up. Once she was high in the sky, she waved back to the men, and let out one more long “I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUU!” as she sailed off into the clouds.

Mickey straightened his jacket. “So, how long do you think it'll take her to realize April 31st doesn't exist?”

“I give it another minute,” Goofy said after checking his watch. “Guess this is just normal for us too.”

“Gives us a good head start, at least!” Mickey tried to see the positive side of the situation, and started to run. “C'mon, fellas! We've got a whole day of dodging and repairing to get through!” Just like every day since he met her, and every day in the future – given the longevity of warlock lives, and the longevity of Halloween itself, he knew this was a chase that would last until the end of time. For one reason or another, this didn't bother him as much as it should.

Fortunately for the rest of us, this story is not as long. So how does one end five tales of ghouls, girls and ghastliness? Perhaps the simplest way is best. They all lived happily ever after, and Mickey married Minnie and had sixteen children and they all lived in a big pumpkin house with eight cats and -

Minnie, get off my keyboard!