#sorry but the talent and distinct style the voice the persona the face

[topnotchquark]

One thing abt me, I do NOT play about Diljit Dosanjh.

[toxoiddiamond]

T H E B A S I C S Given Name: Joel Porter Nycroft Nicknames: No nicknames, but he goes by the name Joel Winters professionally. Age: 40 Birthday: May 25th Zodiac Sign: Gemini Birthplace: Liverpool, England Current Location: He is constantly touring, but he has two homes– one just outside of London, and one in LA. His London-ish (as he calls it) home is where he spends his time off, and his LA home (which is a condo) is where he lives while the band works on recording new albums, since that is where their current label is based. Speaks: English and French (not fluently, but decently well). Dominant Hand: Ambidextrous Education: High school dropout, never bothered to get his GED or anything since he never really needed to. No college education, obviously. He is very smart though, and reasonably well-educated. Occupation: Lead singer and guitarist of internationally famous band No Rest for the Londoners, often shortened to simply The Londoners. Vehicle: It’s been a very long time since he’s had to drive himself anywhere– and that’s probably for the best, given the fact that he is under the influence more often than not. He has drivers that take him anywhere he needs to go, or, if the place is within walking distance, he’ll just walk over. Worldly Possessions: Though he’s quite wealthy, he doesn’t live too ostentatiously. He does tend to buy expensive/high quality things that will last him a long time, especially if it’s an instrument or anything to do with music, but he doesn’t spend excessively. He has some artwork on his walls that he splurged on, a shelf for his various awards (which he keeps hidden in a closet in his home studio because he feels weird having them out on display for all to see), nice (but not ridiculously expensive) clothes and bedding and such, furniture he had custom made by a local carpenter, etc. Then he has all his instruments and music equipment, which make up the majority of his possessions. Pet(s): He can barely take care of himself, so he has never even considered owning a pet, but he does like animals a lot. In the future, once he has his shit together, he would be totally open to having pets.

A P P E A R A N C E Height: 6’0” Hair: Dark with a few flecks of grey. Long-ish and usually a bit of a mess unless he’s going somewhere fancy, in which case he will slick it back. Facial Hair: He usually keeps his beard quite full. He trims it now and then, but it’s rare for him to actually shave it all off. Eye Colour: Brown Skin Tone: He doesn’t spend a lot of time outdoors, so he’s pasty. Clothing: For the most part, he looks pulled together– jeans and t-shirts, the occasional cardigan, peacoats in colder weather, classic black suits when he attends special events. He doesn’t exactly dress like a “rock star” and has never cared to try and be edgy or fit a certain persona. Distinguishing Marks: Faded track marks on both his arms from his past heroin abuse– he makes no effort to hide or cover them, since he figures everyone knows about his drug problem anyway. Face Claim: Jim Sturgess

H E A L T H Physical Health: It could be better. What with the fact that he’s constantly high or drunk (or both), his health is not great. He is constantly exhausted, often feels sick, has a weak immune system, and is pretty much just a mess. There’s been more than one occasion throughout his career when he’s passed out from sheer exhaustion, or had to reschedule shows due to illness (though he considers that a last resort). Physical Abilities/Limitations: Joel is an extremely talented musician. On top of the fact that he has a lovely singing voice, he can play guitar, piano, drums, and bass. He can’t read music at all, but has a knack for playing by ear, which drives the rest of his band absolutely nuts because anytime they try to ask Joel what key he’s singing/playing in, he just shrugs. Addictions: It would be faster to list the things he’s not addicted to. But mainly, he’s addicted to alcohol and cocaine. He used to have a serious heroin addiction, but hasn’t touched heroin since his late twenties. He also abuses Xanax, though he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing– he figures that since his doctor prescribed it, it’s fine to use it on a regular basis, but it’s really doing more harm than good. Allergies: None Mental Health: Terrible. Like, catastrophically bad. Joel is pretty much always on the verge of a mental breakdown– he has had several over the past few years, but has not gotten the help he so desperately needs in order to get his mental health back in order. He has gone to rehab many times, but wasn’t really given much help in the mental health department; he was just told he needed to relax and that once he was off the drugs he would feel much better. Turned out that wasn’t true, so he has always gone back to the drugs after leaving rehab. He is constantly considering suicide, and has attempted it twice; once when he was fourteen, and once when he was thirty-two. The second attempt was passed off as an accidental drug overdose to the media, though it was not accidental at all.

H I S T O R Y Summary: Joel was born and raised in Liverpool. His father left when he was just a baby, so Joel never knew him. Unfortunately, his mother was neglectful and uncaring– she was addicted to drugs and ran with a bad crowd, and her only real concern was where her next fix would come from. Joel was often left with neighbors or other family members for long periods of time before his mother would remember to come and get him. More than once, authorities were alerted to the fact that Joel’s mother was not taking care of him, but nothing ever really came of it. From an early age, Joel was interested in music, and began teaching himself to play guitar when he was ten years old. He always had a knack for playing by ear, so he never bothered to learn to read music. He spent a lot of time in a local music shop playing around with various instruments, and the staff let him hang around since he didn’t bother anyone and they kind of felt sorry for him. It was there that Joel taught himself to play both piano and bass. At the age of 14, Joel was pressured by some of his mom’s friends into getting high with them. Although Joel didn’t want to, he was made to feel that saying no wasn’t an option, so he did heroin with them. He doesn’t remember much of what happened that night– just that he went with them somewhere, Joel was absolutely scared out of his mind, and then he woke up the next morning on a park bench. From then on, Joel began to get high regularly, and did favors for his mom’s “friends,” mostly running drugs and bringing back money. It was around this time that he attempted suicide by purposely overdosing, but he woke up the next morning– still in his bedroom, intensely sick and much worse for wear, but alive. Joel dropped out of high school at 16– he would have failed his classes anyway since he’d been skipping school so much and his grades had plummeted. At 17, his friend Michael invited him to London– Michael was moving there and saw an opportunity to get Joel away from all the bad influences in his life. They moved in with Michael’s aunt for a while, and Joel took a job in a record shop to save up money. Eventually they struck out on their own and decided to put a band together, something they had talked about for years. After finding the perfect band members (something they still insist was fate), they began writing songs and recorded an EP in Joel and Michael’s basement. After playing a few local shows, word of mouth begin to spread, and before they knew it, they were approached by a manager offering them a contract with a major label. They took the deal, and the rest is history. Job History: His first “job” was as an errand boy for a shady group of drug dealers. He then worked in a record store for almost three years, and during that time, helped form the band and started playing the occasional show. Obviously that worked out because he is a very famous, successful musician now. Fondest Memories: His first rock concert when he was ten years old. Running away from Liverpool– he’ll never forget the feeling of freedom as they drove past the city limits. Performing in small venues and getting such an unexpectedly good response. And, of course, the first time they ever performed in a sold-out arena; the first time he heard the audience singing his own lyrics back at him, Joel almost cried. Worst Experiences: The majority of his childhood. And… a lot of his adulthood, actually.

C O M M U N I C A T I O N Speech Pace/Style: Though Joel can be very charming, he’s not exactly smooth. He’s kind of a dork, and most of his charm comes from the fact that people find it endearing how weird and awkward he can be. Depending on whatever drugs are in his system, he can either talk a mile a minute, or he might speak slowly, possibly slurring his words (though the slurring isn’t always noticeable with his accent). Accent: Very, very English with a distinctive Scouse accent. When he speaks, there is absolutely no doubt about where he’s from. Favorite Phrases or Words: He uses a lot of typical Scouse slang, such as “made up” for “happy,” or “cob on” for “bad mood.” His bandmates tease him about his weird accent/dialect all the time, though it’s all in good fun, of course. Usual Curse Words: Fuck, and any of its derivatives.

P E R S O N A L I T Y, M I N D S E T, A N D B E L I E F S Personality Type: ENFP-T Sense of Humor: Joel is charismatic and funny– he loves to make people laugh and can be quite a goofball when the mood strikes him. He often uses humor as a way to deflect or distract from his issues, so a lot of people who don’t know him well are surprised to find out that he’s as depressed as he is. When it comes to entertaining people, he will do just about anything to get a laugh, as long as it’s not offensive in some way– self-deprecating humor is his go-to, though. Habits: He tends to fidget a lot– wringing his hands, scratching at his arms, bouncing his leg when he’s sitting, especially during interviews or before a performance. Fears/Phobias: His biggest fear is ending up alone. He doesn’t even like being alone in his house, so the idea of being abandoned or rejected by the people he cares about is what really scares him. Loneliness is his worst enemy, and honestly, anytime when Joel is left alone with his own thoughts is just not going to end well. Strengths: Joel is a creative, kind, and thoughtful person who genuinely likes being around others and getting to know them. He loves doing nice things for people, making people laugh, and is charismatic as hell. People seem to naturally flock to him and enjoy his company– he’s kind of the life of the party. Joel always does his best to be kind to his fans as well, especially kids, and would never deny anyone a picture or autograph, even if he secretly would rather be doing anything else. Flaws: As lovely as Joel can be, when he’s deep under the influence of drugs, it’s like he’s a completely different person. Selfish, combative, and a chronic liar. When he starts spiralling into depression, it’s impossible for him to pull himself out of that tailspin, and that is how he’s ended up in this vicious cycle of getting depressed, doing drugs, getting more depressed, drinking the pain away, getting even more depressed, etc, etc. Hopes/Desires: He really, really wants to get clean and sober, but doesn’t know if it’s really possible for him. He hates that he’s so reliant on drugs and alcohol to even get through the day, but he’s felt so awful and depressed (more than usual) every time he’s gotten clean that he doesn’t see how he can live like that. Self-Esteem: It could not possibly be any lower. Joel considers himself to be a burden on everyone he knows and pretty much thinks he’s a waste of space. It would only take the tiniest nudge for him to attempt suicide (again). Religion: He doesn’t believe in any kind of god or higher power. In fact, he really hopes there isn’t any such thing, because he’s pretty sure that if there is a god or any kind of afterlife, he won’t end up going anywhere pleasant when he dies.

R A N D O M Sleeping Position: Curled up in a ball on his side. Boxers or Briefs?: Boxers Day or Night?: He doesn’t have a preference– it really just depends on whether he has something to do or not. Top or Bottom?: He can go either way. Partying or Relaxing?: Usually partying, unless he has someone to relax with.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S Closest Friend: He is close to all of his bandmates: Michael (Joe Anderson), Dawn (Sofia Boutella), Holly (Devon Aoki), and their newest/youngest bandmate who replaced their former rhythm guitarist, Ryan (Justin Nozuka). Out of all of them, he is definitely closest with Michael since they grew up together. Relationship History: Not a lot of long-term relationships. He briefly dated Dawn back when they first met, before the band blew up, but they quickly decided they weren’t compatible. He has dated around a bit, some men and some women, mostly people who are also in the public eye (actors, models, musicians, etc), but none of those relationships lasted longer than a few months. Sexual Partners: A lot. He was definitely promiscuous when he was younger, lots of flings and one-night stands. As he got older, he lost interest in having a new partner every night and started getting into more actual relationships, though none of them lasted longer than a year. Thoughts About Sex: He enjoys it. He especially enjoys it when his partner doesn’t leave immediately afterward. Joel really likes to cuddle after sex, so it’s always disappointing to him when it turns out his partner isn’t interested in cuddling.

P A R E N T S Name(s): Donna Nycroft Age(s): She died at the age of 57 Social Standing: Not good. She was widely known to be an addict, and ran with a shady crowd to help fuel her addiction. Occupation(s): Drug dealer, occasionally traded sex for drugs or money, occasionally took part-time jobs if she was really desperate, though she could never hold down a legitimate job for very long. Religion: Nope. Quality of Relationship With His Children: Horrible. She never cared much for Joel, and only kept him because she got child support money from his father every month. She paid as little attention to him as possible and didn’t care at all what he did or where he went. When he first got famous, she tried to sell her “story” to a bunch of tabloids and started trashing him in the media, but the drama died down quickly because Joel refused to address anything she said and pretended he didn’t know who she was. Joel was honestly not sad at all when he got the news about her death. He pretty much said “oh… okay” and moved on immediately. Living/Deceased: Dead

D A I L Y L I F E Living Arrangements: Joel has two homes– one moderately large home on the outskirts of London, and a condo in LA. His London home is a bit secluded and private, and is where he likes to go during his off times, as he can escape the press for the most part. His band mates will often come and stay with him as well, partly because they don’t want him to be alone, and partly because they all have a great time together, especially when there’s not the pressure of recording or a tour. His LA home is where he lives while they work on recording, since their label is based in LA. The house in London is fairly large, but not a mansion by any means– it has four bedrooms, one of which Joel has converted into a music studio where he can practice, write songs, mess around with instruments, etc. Two bedrooms are currently guest rooms, and then there is the master bedroom, of course. The place is decorated with custom furniture Joel had designed and made by a local carpenter, and it is all very nice-looking and comfortable. His condo is decorated in a very minimalist, functional way, which suits Joel just fine. Lots of open space and windows, furniture with clean, modern lines, a few splashes of color here and there, and not much else.

[overthinkingkdrama]

Can you explain to me what makes IU a good actress in your eyes? I like her but I’m also really trying to understand why everyone’s praising her to the skies after My Mister. My favorite performance from her is actually in Producers, where I thought she stole the show from the other leads. But Ji Eun in My Mister always just has this one same steely look, and in gifs of the show I feel this one-dimensionality becomes very obvious: I couldn’t tell if she was feeling angry, or sad, or numb, etc.

(Continuing from my last ask about IU’s acting): the same with Man Wol in HDL. She does all the right expressions, and they’re all quite convincing, but I never feel like they go beyond the surface. Maybe she’s just not good at micro-expressions and that’s what I’m having trouble with? I hope you don’t mind this ask. I’m not ratting on her because I genuinely enjoy her shows and especially loved her in Producers, but I am struggling to understand the sudden love for her acting post HDL.

(More on IU): compare her with someone like, say, Han Ye-ri, or Esom, or PMY, who all have these really expressive embodiments of their respective characters, and the difference becomes quite stark, I feel.

***

Let me start off by saying that I don’t pretend to have any expertise in the subject of acting. I both praise and criticize it as an amateur and a layman. I just know what works for me and what doesn’t work for me. So when you ask me this question, understand that for me the measure of what makes someone a good actor or a bad actor will always, by necessity, have an huge element of subjectivity to it. What is good or bad is going to be largely in the eye of the beholder. And so when I answer you it’s going to be on the basis of my subjective opinion and my experience following Lee Ji Eun’s acting consistently through 5 different projects since 2015.

That being said, there has been a dramatic turn around in the general fandom response to IU’s acting in the past two years, and that’s not by accident. She’s been involved in some high profile projects (My Mister, Persona, and most recently HDL) that have allowed her to showcase different aspects of her talent and demonstrate a distinct progression in her technical abilities and people are sitting up to take notice.

Three years ago I was interacting with posts on tumblr about her lead role in Scarlet Heart Ryeo, where both Knetz and English speaking drama fans were claiming that she was single-handedly ruining the show for them. That she only had one, saucer-eyed expression and that she wasn’t able to keep up with her more seasoned male costars.  Now that she’s in the fandom’s good graces they like to forget, but the vitriol (which female idols in general still frequently face, btw) was nearly constant at that time. I wholehearted disagreed with her critics then, and I disagree with them now.

I had first become aware of IU while watching Producers, which was also the first drama I ever watched as it was airing in the days of Dramafever. I was completely enamored with her portrayal of Cindy and I, like you, thought she completely stole the show, despite coming into the drama as a fan of her costars. From then on, I’ve been a fan of her as an actor and I’ve enjoyed all of her subsequent projects to greater or lesser degrees.

My Mister was the turning point in her career.  I’m on the record on tumblr as saying that My Mister is my favorite Kdrama. Ji An is my tumblr icon. I’ve made my partiality no secret. And for me, the reason should be obvious. The drama was controversial but it was also a huge critical success, with a beloved, veteran director at the helm, and I think it made people change their preconceptions about her. If she is being praised for HDL, then I would credit My Mister as the reason. People went from dismissing her out of hand as another singer who made a mediocre actress, to hailing her as one of the best idol actors out there.

If you can’t see why, or you think her performance in that drama is “one-dimensional” then a reply from me is probably not going to convince you otherwise. However, I have to ask due to the way you’ve phrased the question about My Mister in particular: Have you actually watched the drama, or are you only familiar with it from social media and gifs? Because if it’s the later, I can see why you might have formed this opinion. My Mister is an incredibly restrained drama, and the characters in general but Ji An specifically, carry a lot of trauma and emotion beneath the surface and are very reluctant to give anything away lest they be viewed as weak by others. If it’s the former, and you have seen the drama, then I don’t know how you can say, in all sincerity, the performance is one-dimensional or that Ji An only has one expression.

Certainly, Ji An is a very “steely” character.  But that’s because she lives her life on a knife’s edge. When we meet her it’s like she’s already dead, living in despair, trapped in a situation that she can’t see a way out of and perhaps on some level she doesn’t thinks she deserves to escape from. She slowly, very slowly, comes back to life over the course of the drama. That’s is how she is written. I would go further and say that is probably how IU was directed to play her (an actor isn’t an island, the director has a lot of say too in what they show and what they don’t.) I think there are many shades of subtlety in the performance, which cannot be captured by facial expressions alone. They come down to the timbre of her voice, the way she moves and holds herself, etc. Many of which can’t be captured in a gif sets or in stills. However to say that those expressions are the only things IU gets to show in the drama is simply disingenuous.

She gets to show the hard edges of disgust, fear, self-loathing, and cruelty. She also gets to show vulnerability, heartbreak, softness and remorse. She has explosive scenes, she has wrenching scenes, she has quiet scenes of grief and of gratitude.

(Couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for on tumblr so I grabbed these gifs off google images, credit to the gifmakers.)

I think she showcases them all. Maybe these emotions and they’re expression aren’t what you’re looking for in “good acting”. Perhaps there is another deficiency you are seeing that I’m not. Or maybe the way she shows these things isn’t loud enough, big enough or varied enough for your tastes. If that’s the case, then I don’t know what to tell you. Something about it isn’t striking a chord with you. It did for me. There’s really nothing I can do to change your mind.

However, I would venture to ask...did you have the same criticism for Lee Sun Kyun? His character is hardly so expressive that what you’ve said about Ji An couldn’t just as easily apply to Dong Hoon. I’ll go so far as to posit what you might be having a problem with in My Mister is the direction and not the acting.

As far as your critique on HDL that she “does all the right expressions, and they’re all quite convincing, but I never feel like they go beyond the surface” I’m not sure what to tell you. If she does all the right expressions AND they are convincing then how can you say they don’t beyond the surface? If they don’t go beyond the surface, then aren’t what you really saying is they aren’t convincing? At least to you? It could just be that you’re not connecting with her character for one reason or another, or maybe some of the idiosyncrasies of IU’s acting style just don’t connect with you. Maybe this is just a “different strokes for different folks” issue.

I, for one, do not enjoy Suzy’s acting. I think she’s perfectly serviceable as an actor, and she’s improved in recent projects. Even so, she never works for me especially in crying scenes. And kind of like with what you’ve said above, I think she makes the right expressions at the right times, but something about it rings false for me. And I’ve watched enough of her stuff at this point to be certain it wasn’t a one off.

But when it comes down to comparing one actor to another, or IU specifically to some of the actors you’ve mentioned, again I can only plead subjectivity. Different actors bring different strengths to their projects, and some projects require different things of their actors. I could sit here and dither with you about Han Ye Ri (who I think is the best out of the three you’ve mentioned above, and the most similar to IU in the characters she picks and how she plays them) and her different characters, but it would only be a wheel spinning exercise since we’re never going to have an exact one-to-one comparison between people.

To summarize, I believe you when you say you sent this ask in good faith. And I did my best to answer you, though I’m afraid you may not find my analysis very satisfying. This isn’t a subject I can approach with a lot of objectivity, because IU is one of my favorites and like I said, I’m just an amateur critic. If you’re noticing a lot of love and praise post HDL, I think it’s probably a result of the boost she got from My Mister and not as much because of her current drama on its own. Although I think she’s continuing to demonstrate that she knows what she’s doing and her turns in My Mister or Producers or Persona weren’t just a fluke.

Don’t feel like you have to like something just because other people are telling you it’s good. And don’t feel like you have to criticize something because it’s suddenly grown in popularity in a way you didn’t expect. Don’t take all of this too seriously, and try to enjoy yourself out there. That’s all any of us are trying to do, and I think it’s easy to lose sight of that.

Sorry for the long reply. Thank you for the ask.

Jona

[pandamancer11]

Makoto’s Story - Chapter 1

**This is the first installment in a series I've dedicated to telling Makoto Niijima's side of the story in the events that take place through Persona 5.

It's been a ton of fun to explore the everyday life, turned adventure of a lifetime, of one of my favorite characters in the game! This series will loosely follow the plot of Persona, but I will be throwing a healthy batch of headcanon and my own narrative.

So if that's your thing, please join me as we see the world of Persona through the eyes of the Queen herself! **

Chapter 1: A Day in the Life

I placed the papers back on the table and rubbed my sore eyes.

‘No matter how many times I run the numbers, the board has simply hasn’t given me the funds I need to pull this off…’

Lifting my face from my hands, I gave a tentative glance to the clock.

‘Five thirty already? I’ve been at this for hours, but there is still so much to be done.’ I drew in a deep breath ‘I hate to complain to the school board. They have lent a great deal of trust to me. Trusting me to be able to budget and plan this year’s up-coming student festival for the school. I just wish they had given me a little more to work with here…’

I grouped my scattered papers together, stacked them nicely and placed them neatly back in my bag. ‘I guess I’m just going to have to come back in again this Sunday to try to figure this out. Though I still don’t know what use it would be. I’ve been working on this every day for the past two weeks. I’m afraid I may end disappointing principal Kobayakawa and the whole school at this rate.’

My bag in hand, I stood and slid the chair back in its place. ‘I simply can’t let that happen. I knew, going in, becoming school president wasn’t going to be an easy task. I’ll just have to double my efforts tomorrow morning.’

I shut and locked the door to the student council office behind me. The school hallway was barren. Not a student or a teacher in sight. Most of the hall lights were off, and the only source of illumination was coming from the dwindling sun through the large bay windows overlooking the courtyard. It’s not like I was unaccustomed to being the only one left in the school.

It was just part of the routine at this point. Get to school early, hold meetings, go to class, check in on clubs, have a meeting with principal Kobayakawa, continue planning for the festival, and now, go home to get my studying done. I won’t say it’s been particularly easy since I became a third year here at Shujin Academy, but it’s all a part of ‘growing up’ as Sae told me.

How could I complain about my workload when my sister has not only come up against all expectations of her as an unmarried woman in the male-dominated work environment that is the SUI office but has blazed a path for me.

Not only did she graduate at the top of her class in law school, but she was even invited to be a prosecutor for the special investigations department. Becoming the first woman to do so. I’ve learned so much from her and would be privileged to live up to being even a fraction of what she is.

“Well hey there miss school president!” A man’s voice called to me. I looked towards the source and found the school’s volleyball coach, Mr. Kamoshida, was walking in my direction from further down the hallway. Probably fresh from the team practice considering the time of day.

“What has you at the school this late hour Niijima? Classes ended a few hours ago.” He grinned and rubbed the back of his head “Probably up to some student council business eh?”

I gave a smile back and a slight bow “Good evening Mr. Kamoshida. Yes, sir, the council has needed me to stay a little later after school to help organize the student festival that is coming up in a couple of months.”

“You are already working on that thing?” he let out a slight chuckle “You big brained students never cease to amaze me! Showing such initiative and dedication will surely be in your favor when it comes to college applications.”

“Thank you, sir. We are certainly trying our best to provide the best experience for our fellow students here at Shujin!”

“Well, I’m sure it will show when the time comes” He shifted his weight to the opposite leg and crossed his arms “You know Makoto, we could really use someone with your talents on the girls’ volleyball team.” Mr. Kamoshida suggested, “Now I know you have a lot on your plate at the moment, but we are holding tryouts for next semester’s team soon.”

I clutched my bag “Thank you for the offer sir, but I’m not really the athletic type-”

“Nonsense! Volleyball is more than just raw physical skill. It’s all about strategy. Having the ability to out-think as well as outmaneuver your opponent.” He mimed serving a volleyball “Strength means nothing without the ability to read the opponents weaknesses” Kamoshida spiked his imaginary ball “then exploiting that weakness to gain victory!” He dusted off his hands and smiled widely “And I think you’re just the girl to give us that much-needed edge! Besides, I can tell from just looking at you. You have quite the physic. I’m sure your body is capable of more than you give it credit for!”

My shoulders tightened “That’s very kind of you to say, sir. But as you did point out earlier, I do have quite a lot on my plate at the moment-”

He crossed his arms once again “Oh! No need to make a decision now! Just promise me you’ll think about it. I can assure you, you’ll be one of my first picks if you try out! I know you wouldn’t need another letter of recommendation from a teacher, but one more certainly couldn’t hurt.”

I nodded “It’s a very tempting and generous offer sir. I will certainly give it a great deal of thought when the time comes.”

He shot me a knowing grin “Now, we talked about this, no need for the sir stuff ok? Just call me Suguru. And hopefully soon, coach!”

“Yes si-, sorry, Suguru. I will do well to remember in the future” I faced the door that left the hallway “Well, I should be going or I’ll miss my train.”

He gestured to the door “Oh of course! Sorry for keeping you! Have a good rest of your day Makoto. See you tomorrow.”

I nodded in return “You as well!” and pulled open the door and hastily walked through. I watched the door slowly close behind me and took a breath. I could feel my palms moist with sweat. ‘Now now Makoto. You’re being ridiculous.’ I assured myself ‘You know they are all just rumors. We were simply having a friendly conversation, nothing more.’ I gave myself a moment to recompose. Once I had my legs back underneath myself, I made my way out of the front hall and towards the subway station.

 **

 The apartment looked the same as it did that morning when I left for school. I examined the clock on the wall ‘Hmm. Sis should have been home by now.’ Locking the door behind me, I placed my bag and jacket on the sofa and headed to the kitchen. ‘She must be pulling another all-nighter at the office.’

I pulled out a Tupperware of leftover homemade ramen I made earlier in the week. Being sure to make plenty and to portion out some for Sae as well. She works so hard, and she’s kind enough to house me at her apartment after all. The least I could do is make her a meal. However, when I opened up the fridge, I saw her container of ramen still full and untouched after sitting there for days.

‘Come to think of it’ I silently considered to myself ‘when was the last time I saw her home?’ I poured the last of my soup into a pot and let it heat back up on the stove top. ‘Maybe I should just shoot her a text and make sure she’s fine…’

I tapped my phone's screen back to life and opened up the messenger app. ‘Evening Sis. Sorry to bother you. I know you must be hard at work at the office. Just haven’t heard from you in a while and wanted to make sure you were well. Please let me know if I can do anything to help!’

The ramen had already started to steam, so I took a bowl from a nearby cupboard and set my place at the table. I pulled my seat up and let the aroma of the warm soup fill my lungs. It still smelt delicious. In this batch, I played with the ratio of chili sauce to broth. It absolutely paid off.

After a few spoonfuls, I noticed just how quiet it was in the house. I wasn’t particularly sure why it stood out to me just then of all times. Ever since Sae let me move in with her, it’s always kind of been like this. The apartment was beautiful. Matching cream-colored sofas in the living room. Lovely gray and black colored curtains. Even a couple of potted ferns and lilies to brighten the room a little. And under a stunningly hand carved coffee table laid a gorgeous ornate rug.

Sae’s apartment certainly didn’t lack a sense of taste. When she moved in, she even hired an interior decorator to give the place its distinct style and character. It gave off a sort of beautiful minimalistic feel.

Still, I had to admit, it lacked warmth. Can’t say I’ve ever complete felt comfortable in it. Though it was a near art piece, it still felt hollow somehow.

The stillness was putting me on edge, so I clicked on the TV in the living room a listened while I ate. The large screen popped to life, and the SNN breaking news logo streaked across the screen.

 ‘-Experts are still baffled as to what caused the trains to crash earlier this April. The subway’s conductor had cleared all tests for narcotics, or any substances of any kind, in his system. Even after extensive interrogation, he still cannot recall why he would have sent his train speeding down the track, far over recommended speeds, causing the massive crash into Shibuya station, killing dozens and injuring even more.-’ A reporter announced

‘Oh right, that train crash that happened earlier in the school year. It was fortunate it was on a Sunday, or Shujin students very easily could have been on that train or at the station.’ I stirred the noodles while listening to the broadcaster continue.

‘The conductor is still awaiting his court date to face a judge over whether the matter is to be considered criminal neglect or manslaughter.’ Another reporter chimed in ‘Now why isn’t he just being thrown in jail for murder? He wasn’t under any sort drug as you said, then he had to have been in a clear state of mind when he killed all those people’

‘Many have asked the same.’ The first reporter retorted ‘However, after the incident, it was confirmed by a doctor at the scene that the conductor had had a seizure of some sort behind the wheel. He was said to be foaming at the mouth, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He was said to be lucky to recover from such an accident-’

I clicked the tv back off and sighed “I really don’t feel like hearing about train accidents right now” I murmured to myself while getting up. I grabbed my school bag and sat back down at the dinner table. Undid the latch and brought out my notes from the day. Segregating the binders and papers into separate piles by classes, I cracked open the first.

Before starting, I grouped a few noodles together and chomped down on a mouth full. My stomach growled with desire for more. “Hmm. Forgot how long ago lunch was. Guess my stomach didn’t.” I rubbed my tired eyes and got to work on my homework ‘Ok. Question one: according to the philosopher Plato, the soul is composed of appetite, spirit and what else?’

[airoasis]

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/my-son-was-a-columbine-shooter-this-is-my-story-sue-klebold-2/

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

The last time I heard my son’s voice was once when he walked out the front door on his strategy to college. He referred to as out one word in the darkness: "Bye." It was once April 20, 1999. Later that morning, at Columbine excessive university, my son Dylan and his buddy Eric killed 12 students and a teacher and wounded more than 20 others earlier than taking their possess lives. 13 innocent humans were killed, leaving their cherished ones in a state of grief and trauma. Others sustained injuries, some resulting in disfigurement and everlasting disability. However the enormity of the tragedy can’t be measured simplest by means of the quantity of deaths and injuries that took situation. There isn’t any option to quantify the psychological injury of those who were within the tuition, or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts. There isn’t a strategy to investigate the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine, primarily when it may be a blueprint for different shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.Columbine was a tidal wave, and when the crash ended, it would take years for the community and for society to appreciate its have an impact on. It has taken me years to try to receive my son’s legacy. The merciless habits that defined the end of his life confirmed me that he was once a fully one-of-a-kind man or woman from the one I knew. Afterwards persons requested, "How would you not recognize? What style of a mother have been you?" I still ask myself those same questions. Before the shootings, I suggestion of myself as a just right mother. Serving to my youngsters end up caring, healthful, in charge adults was once the fundamental position of my lifestyles. However the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a mum or dad, and it’s partly this experience of failure that brings me here at present.Aside from his father, I was once the one character who knew and adored Dylan essentially the most. If anybody would have known what used to be taking place, it will have to were me, correct? But I did not be aware of. In these days, i am right here to share the expertise of what it’s like to be the mum of anybody who kills and hurts. For years after the tragedy, I combed via recollections, attempting to figure out exactly the place I failed as a guardian. However there aren’t any easy answers. I can’t provide you with any solutions. All i can do is share what i have learned. After I talk to persons who did not comprehend me before the shootings, i have three challenges to satisfy. First, when I stroll right into a room like this, I in no way be aware of if anybody there has skilled loss seeing that of what my son did. I consider a must renowned the struggling caused by a member of my household who is not right here to do it for himself.So first, with all of my coronary heart, i am sorry if my son has precipitated you ache. The 2d task i’ve is that I have to ask for figuring out and even compassion once I speak about my son’s death as a suicide. Two years earlier than he died, he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook that he was slicing himself. He stated that he was in ache and wanted to get a gun so he would end his life.I failed to know about any of this until months after his demise. Once I speak about his demise as a suicide, i’m not looking to downplay the viciousness he confirmed on the end of his lifestyles. I’m looking to appreciate how his suicidal thinking led to homicide. After quite a few studying and speaking with authorities, i have come to feel that his involvement in the shootings was once rooted now not in his want to kill but in his desire to die. The 1/3 project i’ve when I speak about my son’s homicide-suicide is that i’m speaking about mental health — excuse me — is that i am speakme about intellectual wellness, or mind well being, as I prefer to call it, because it is more concrete.And in the same breath, i am talking about violence. The last factor I wish to do is to make contributions to the misconception that already exists around mental illness. Only an extraordinarily small percentage of individuals who have a intellectual ailment are violent towards different folks, but of those who die through suicide, it’s estimated that about seventy five to probably greater than ninety percent have a diagnosable mental wellbeing situation of some form. As you all comprehend very good, our intellectual well being care procedure is just not organized to support every body, and now not everybody with damaging ideas suits the criteria for a distinct prognosis. Many who’ve ongoing emotions of fear or anger or hopelessness are under no circumstances assessed or handled. Too most likely, they get our attention only if they attain a behavioral quandary. If estimates are correct that about one to 2 percent of all suicides includes the murder of another person, when suicide charges upward push, as they’re rising for some populations, the homicide-suicide rates will rise as well.I desired to appreciate what was once happening in Dylan’s mind prior to his death, so I regarded for answers from other survivors of suicide loss. I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising activities, and at any time when I would, I talked with folks who had survived their own suicidal obstacle or try. One of the vital worthy conversations I had used to be with a coworker who overheard me speaking to anyone else in my place of business cubicle. She heard me say that Dylan would now not have adored me if he might do anything as horrible as he did. Later, when she determined me on my own, she apologized for overhearing that dialog, but informed me that I used to be flawed. She said that once she was once a younger, single mom with three babies, she grew to become severely depressed and was hospitalized to preserve her reliable. On the time, she used to be distinct that her kids could be better off if she died, so she had made a plan to finish her existence. She assured me that a mom’s love was once the strongest bond in the world, and that she cherished her kids greater than anything on this planet, but seeing that of her ailment, she was once definite that they would be better off without her.What she mentioned and what I’ve discovered from others is that we don’t make the so-called decision or option to die by means of suicide in the equal method that we choose what vehicle to force or the place to head on a Saturday night time. When any one is in an extremely suicidal state, they’re in a stage 4 clinical wellbeing emergency. Their pondering is impaired and they’ve lost entry to tools of self-governance. Although they are able to make a plan and act with logic, their sense of actuality is distorted by using a filter of agony via which they interpret their fact. Some humans will also be excellent at hiding this state, and so they mostly have good reasons for doing that. Many of us have suicidal ideas at some point, but continual, ongoing thoughts of suicide and devising a method to die are symptoms of pathology, and like many illnesses, the must be well-known and treated earlier than a life is lost. However my son’s death was once not in basic terms a suicide. It concerned mass homicide. I wanted to understand how his suicidal pondering grew to become homicidal.However research is sparse and there are no easy answers. Sure, he most of the time had ongoing melancholy. He had a persona that used to be perfectionistic and self-reliant, and that made him much less likely to seek help from others. He had skilled triggering pursuits on the institution that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad. And he had a difficult friendship with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation, and who used to be critically disturbed, controlling and homicidal. And on high of this period in his life of extreme vulnerability and fragility, Dylan discovered access to guns although we would by no means owned any in our home. It was once appallingly convenient for a 17-yr-old boy to buy guns, both legally and illegally, without my permission or talents. And somehow, 17 years and many college shootings later, it is still appallingly effortless. What Dylan did that day broke my coronary heart, and as trauma so by and large does, it took a toll on my body and on my intellect. Two years after the shootings, I got breast melanoma, and two years after that, i began to have mental health issues.On prime of the steady, perpetual grief I was once terrified that i might run right into a family member of anyone Dylan had killed, or be accosted with the aid of the clicking or by way of an irritated citizen. I was once afraid to activate the news, afraid to listen to myself being known as a horrible parent or a disgusting character. I started having panic attacks. The primary bout started four years after the shootings, once I used to be getting able for the depositions and would need to meet the victims’ households face to face.The 2d round began six years after the shootings, when I was preparing to speak publicly about homicide-suicide for the first time at a convention. Each episodes lasted a few weeks. The assaults occurred all over: within the hardware store, in my office, and even while studying a booklet in mattress. My intellect would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror and regardless of how I difficult i tried to calm myself down or intent my method out of it, i couldn’t do it. It felt as if my brain was looking to kill me, and then, being fearful of being afraid consumed all of my ideas. That’s once I realized firsthand what it feels like to have a malfunctioning intellect, and that’s when I truly grew to become a mind well being suggest. With healing and treatment and self-care, life finally again to anything would be inspiration of as traditional below the situations. When I seemed again on all that had occurred, I could see that my son’s spiral into dysfunction most likely passed off over a period of about two years, plenty of time to get him support, if simplest someone had identified that he wanted help and known what to do.Every time any person asks me, "How could you now not have known?", it feels like a punch within the intestine. It includes accusation and faucets into my emotions of guilt that regardless of how much cure I’ve had i’ll on no account utterly eradicate. But this is something I’ve learned: if love were enough to stop someone who is suicidal from hurting themselves, suicides would infrequently happen. But love is just not adequate, and suicide is regularly occurring. It can be the 2nd leading reason of loss of life for men and women age 10 to 34, and 15 percentage of american adolescence report having made a suicide plan in the last year. I’ve learned that irrespective of how so much we want to feel we will, we can’t know or manipulate the whole lot our loved ones think and feel, and the cussed notion that we are one way or the other one of a kind, that anyone we adore would under no circumstances think of hurting themselves or any person else, can reason us to overlook what’s hidden in simple sight.And if worst case eventualities do come to go, we will have got to be trained to forgive ourselves for now not realizing or for now not asking the correct questions or not discovering the correct therapy. We will have to continuously count on that any one we love may be struggling, despite what they are saying or how they act. We will have to listen with our entire being, without judgments, and without providing solutions. I do know that i will are living with this tragedy, with these multiple tragedies, for the relaxation of my lifestyles. I do know that in the minds of many, what I misplaced are not able to evaluate to what the other families lost. I do know my wrestle would not make theirs any less difficult. I know there are even some who feel I do not have the right to any discomfort, but best to a life of everlasting penance. Sooner or later what i know comes all the way down to this: the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and dependable of us may not be ready to aid, but for love’s sake, we ought to never stop looking to be aware of the unknowable.Thanks. (Applause) .

[batterymonster2021]

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/my-son-was-a-columbine-shooter-this-is-my-story-sue-klebold-2/

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

The last time I heard my son’s voice was once when he walked out the front door on his strategy to college. He referred to as out one word in the darkness: "Bye." It was once April 20, 1999. Later that morning, at Columbine excessive university, my son Dylan and his buddy Eric killed 12 students and a teacher and wounded more than 20 others earlier than taking their possess lives. 13 innocent humans were killed, leaving their cherished ones in a state of grief and trauma. Others sustained injuries, some resulting in disfigurement and everlasting disability. However the enormity of the tragedy can’t be measured simplest by means of the quantity of deaths and injuries that took situation. There isn’t any option to quantify the psychological injury of those who were within the tuition, or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts. There isn’t a strategy to investigate the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine, primarily when it may be a blueprint for different shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.Columbine was a tidal wave, and when the crash ended, it would take years for the community and for society to appreciate its have an impact on. It has taken me years to try to receive my son’s legacy. The merciless habits that defined the end of his life confirmed me that he was once a fully one-of-a-kind man or woman from the one I knew. Afterwards persons requested, "How would you not recognize? What style of a mother have been you?" I still ask myself those same questions. Before the shootings, I suggestion of myself as a just right mother. Serving to my youngsters end up caring, healthful, in charge adults was once the fundamental position of my lifestyles. However the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a mum or dad, and it’s partly this experience of failure that brings me here at present.Aside from his father, I was once the one character who knew and adored Dylan essentially the most. If anybody would have known what used to be taking place, it will have to were me, correct? But I did not be aware of. In these days, i am right here to share the expertise of what it’s like to be the mum of anybody who kills and hurts. For years after the tragedy, I combed via recollections, attempting to figure out exactly the place I failed as a guardian. However there aren’t any easy answers. I can’t provide you with any solutions. All i can do is share what i have learned. After I talk to persons who did not comprehend me before the shootings, i have three challenges to satisfy. First, when I stroll right into a room like this, I in no way be aware of if anybody there has skilled loss seeing that of what my son did. I consider a must renowned the struggling caused by a member of my household who is not right here to do it for himself.So first, with all of my coronary heart, i am sorry if my son has precipitated you ache. The 2d task i’ve is that I have to ask for figuring out and even compassion once I speak about my son’s death as a suicide. Two years earlier than he died, he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook that he was slicing himself. He stated that he was in ache and wanted to get a gun so he would end his life.I failed to know about any of this until months after his demise. Once I speak about his demise as a suicide, i’m not looking to downplay the viciousness he confirmed on the end of his lifestyles. I’m looking to appreciate how his suicidal thinking led to homicide. After quite a few studying and speaking with authorities, i have come to feel that his involvement in the shootings was once rooted now not in his want to kill but in his desire to die. The 1/3 project i’ve when I speak about my son’s homicide-suicide is that i’m speaking about mental health — excuse me — is that i am speakme about intellectual wellness, or mind well being, as I prefer to call it, because it is more concrete.And in the same breath, i am talking about violence. The last factor I wish to do is to make contributions to the misconception that already exists around mental illness. Only an extraordinarily small percentage of individuals who have a intellectual ailment are violent towards different folks, but of those who die through suicide, it’s estimated that about seventy five to probably greater than ninety percent have a diagnosable mental wellbeing situation of some form. As you all comprehend very good, our intellectual well being care procedure is just not organized to support every body, and now not everybody with damaging ideas suits the criteria for a distinct prognosis. Many who’ve ongoing emotions of fear or anger or hopelessness are under no circumstances assessed or handled. Too most likely, they get our attention only if they attain a behavioral quandary. If estimates are correct that about one to 2 percent of all suicides includes the murder of another person, when suicide charges upward push, as they’re rising for some populations, the homicide-suicide rates will rise as well.I desired to appreciate what was once happening in Dylan’s mind prior to his death, so I regarded for answers from other survivors of suicide loss. I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising activities, and at any time when I would, I talked with folks who had survived their own suicidal obstacle or try. One of the vital worthy conversations I had used to be with a coworker who overheard me speaking to anyone else in my place of business cubicle. She heard me say that Dylan would now not have adored me if he might do anything as horrible as he did. Later, when she determined me on my own, she apologized for overhearing that dialog, but informed me that I used to be flawed. She said that once she was once a younger, single mom with three babies, she grew to become severely depressed and was hospitalized to preserve her reliable. On the time, she used to be distinct that her kids could be better off if she died, so she had made a plan to finish her existence. She assured me that a mom’s love was once the strongest bond in the world, and that she cherished her kids greater than anything on this planet, but seeing that of her ailment, she was once definite that they would be better off without her.What she mentioned and what I’ve discovered from others is that we don’t make the so-called decision or option to die by means of suicide in the equal method that we choose what vehicle to force or the place to head on a Saturday night time. When any one is in an extremely suicidal state, they’re in a stage 4 clinical wellbeing emergency. Their pondering is impaired and they’ve lost entry to tools of self-governance. Although they are able to make a plan and act with logic, their sense of actuality is distorted by using a filter of agony via which they interpret their fact. Some humans will also be excellent at hiding this state, and so they mostly have good reasons for doing that. Many of us have suicidal ideas at some point, but continual, ongoing thoughts of suicide and devising a method to die are symptoms of pathology, and like many illnesses, the must be well-known and treated earlier than a life is lost. However my son’s death was once not in basic terms a suicide. It concerned mass homicide. I wanted to understand how his suicidal pondering grew to become homicidal.However research is sparse and there are no easy answers. Sure, he most of the time had ongoing melancholy. He had a persona that used to be perfectionistic and self-reliant, and that made him much less likely to seek help from others. He had skilled triggering pursuits on the institution that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad. And he had a difficult friendship with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation, and who used to be critically disturbed, controlling and homicidal. And on high of this period in his life of extreme vulnerability and fragility, Dylan discovered access to guns although we would by no means owned any in our home. It was once appallingly convenient for a 17-yr-old boy to buy guns, both legally and illegally, without my permission or talents. And somehow, 17 years and many college shootings later, it is still appallingly effortless. What Dylan did that day broke my coronary heart, and as trauma so by and large does, it took a toll on my body and on my intellect. Two years after the shootings, I got breast melanoma, and two years after that, i began to have mental health issues.On prime of the steady, perpetual grief I was once terrified that i might run right into a family member of anyone Dylan had killed, or be accosted with the aid of the clicking or by way of an irritated citizen. I was once afraid to activate the news, afraid to listen to myself being known as a horrible parent or a disgusting character. I started having panic attacks. The primary bout started four years after the shootings, once I used to be getting able for the depositions and would need to meet the victims’ households face to face.The 2d round began six years after the shootings, when I was preparing to speak publicly about homicide-suicide for the first time at a convention. Each episodes lasted a few weeks. The assaults occurred all over: within the hardware store, in my office, and even while studying a booklet in mattress. My intellect would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror and regardless of how I difficult i tried to calm myself down or intent my method out of it, i couldn’t do it. It felt as if my brain was looking to kill me, and then, being fearful of being afraid consumed all of my ideas. That’s once I realized firsthand what it feels like to have a malfunctioning intellect, and that’s when I truly grew to become a mind well being suggest. With healing and treatment and self-care, life finally again to anything would be inspiration of as traditional below the situations. When I seemed again on all that had occurred, I could see that my son’s spiral into dysfunction most likely passed off over a period of about two years, plenty of time to get him support, if simplest someone had identified that he wanted help and known what to do.Every time any person asks me, "How could you now not have known?", it feels like a punch within the intestine. It includes accusation and faucets into my emotions of guilt that regardless of how much cure I’ve had i’ll on no account utterly eradicate. But this is something I’ve learned: if love were enough to stop someone who is suicidal from hurting themselves, suicides would infrequently happen. But love is just not adequate, and suicide is regularly occurring. It can be the 2nd leading reason of loss of life for men and women age 10 to 34, and 15 percentage of american adolescence report having made a suicide plan in the last year. I’ve learned that irrespective of how so much we want to feel we will, we can’t know or manipulate the whole lot our loved ones think and feel, and the cussed notion that we are one way or the other one of a kind, that anyone we adore would under no circumstances think of hurting themselves or any person else, can reason us to overlook what’s hidden in simple sight.And if worst case eventualities do come to go, we will have got to be trained to forgive ourselves for now not realizing or for now not asking the correct questions or not discovering the correct therapy. We will have to continuously count on that any one we love may be struggling, despite what they are saying or how they act. We will have to listen with our entire being, without judgments, and without providing solutions. I do know that i will are living with this tragedy, with these multiple tragedies, for the relaxation of my lifestyles. I do know that in the minds of many, what I misplaced are not able to evaluate to what the other families lost. I do know my wrestle would not make theirs any less difficult. I know there are even some who feel I do not have the right to any discomfort, but best to a life of everlasting penance. Sooner or later what i know comes all the way down to this: the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and dependable of us may not be ready to aid, but for love’s sake, we ought to never stop looking to be aware of the unknowable.Thanks. (Applause) .