#sorry but i dont wanna hear a man who can support his family on minecraft videos telling artists to just be better than ai

[lifewasntmadeforeveryone-blog]

To the man that was my forever,

Beauty.

To the man i thought was my forever,

I don't know where to begin ,alls i know is this is my millionth letter i've attempted to write.

I don't even know what i think because everytime i go to write no words seem to suffice what i want to say. I dont think ill ever have the words. Because this isn't how it was supposed to end, this wasn't supposed to end. I wish i had a do over that court day, i couldn't think, i couldn't breathe, but mainly, i couldn't feel. Or maybe i could but it was too much at once. Guilt resides in me and i didnt realize it until i noticed i kept having nightmares. I feel guilty because i didn't get closure didn't get to say my goodbye, explain to you my side of that day on may 5th. SO i guess this is it, My final goodbye. Hopefully you've read it by this far and not thrown it away.

When you first went to jail i didn't know how to feel, i remember when DeDe showed up to your house that night on may 5th. I remember looking out that little corner of the front window that ugly yellowed curtain didn't cover and watching your face. I couldn't tell what was being said. Alls i know is you didn't look happy and any time DeDe came around i got beat after, and after the beating i just took my body couldn't take another slap. Even as i am writing this right now i can feel my heart begin to race rapidly and my hands become clammy as my hands begin to tremble.

I remember my heart climbing up my throat as every second grazed by. I stood there, whole body trembling, i limped to the back door and slowly with my unsteady hand i reach out for the back door screen door and push it opened, i remember hearing the loud click as the hardened plastic on the handle clicked opened, my heart stopped. I closed it and limped back to the front window to see what was going on and you were looking at DeDE i rummaged in the dark for clothes and all i could find was my pink velvet zipper hoodie and your shorts, couldn't find socks couldn't find shoes, no bra and no panties. I took one last glance at what you were doing and limped to the back door.

Demon started whimpering and i tried to calm him. I remember saying goodbye and kissed his head and took one step outside on the cold wet cement steps, i remember slowly walking and took my second step onto the dead grass and landed on a decaying leaf.  I swore it the crunch under my foot was as loud as a buckshot. After that i knew if i didn't run i would be noticed. So i sprinted like my life depended on it, darted through the small brush that i swore was gonna make me collapse, and i furiously searched for houses to knock on . I was on my third house when i looked back and noticed the second one i had knocked on someone emerged from, so i bolted and yelled as loud as my whisper could go undetected and she saved me. She called 911 and assessed me the best she could.

I stayed on the floor rocking back and forth, made her turn off all the lights because i knew you were looking for me. I heard a knock at the door and my heart slammed down my feet i swore it was you. But it was the EMS men. I shed a tear of relief because i was finally safe. They assessed me, took photos, i remember walking to the ambulance and as they pulled off i watched the yellow house get smaller and smaller until i couldn't see it anymore. I spent 5 days in the hospital and was unconscious for 3 of them, doctors said because of how much trauma i undergo that it was too much stress on my body to remain awake. Mom said only time id wake up is when she rotate her head when she rested her head at the foot of my bed and that my body would jolt and id look around.

I saw over 50 different  types of doctors, they moved me out multiple rooms, every time i was wheelchaired, everytime they wheeled me down a hall the halls got silent people started but tried to act as if they weren't. Everyone expressed their apologies and how they are glad you're in jail, i even had a nurse that drove from canada every day to here. Her son was a developer of Roblox, a more childlike version of minecraft. The last day was the hardest for me. I remember putting a hat and the blackest sunglasses i could find to hide my face.

I remember pulling out of the hospital garage and turning onto the main street and feeling the warmth hit my face, mom had the top down and sun radiated of my cheeks. I remember going home and feeling sick to my stomach as i sat on my bed looking around. It didn't feel like home. I stood up and looked outside the window and my gaze was stuck on the Lansing capital, hatred pulsed through my veins and i felt a sudden urge to throw up so i ran to the bathroom but only gagged. I went to splash water on my face but my appearance caught my eye. For the last week anytime i went to the bathroom i kept the lights off because my face make me wanna puke. I gingerly caressed my cheeks making sure to apply no pressure. My eyes were the size of rice, could barely see, for the last 5 days i has lubricant caked between my eyelids because who knew when your eyes swelled shut it would cause them to get dry and irritant. They pumped the highest dosage of morphine in me but nothing relieved the pain. I didn't leave my house for few weeks when i got home. I barely slept because the nightmares made me insomnia. I had to explain to Amelia, my little 9 year old sister why livy's face and body was torn up, she bawled her eyes. Everyday may 5th was stuck on repeat in my mind like a broken record player. It repeats much it began to blur together, until i couldn't hear your voice anymore.

It was June 27th when i miscarried. Days prior i was in and out of the ER trying to get answers as to why i was bleeding so heavily. But i'll never forget the contractions. My water broke and i didnt know what it was, so i laid back down. But the cramps was horrible. I was exhausted when i felt a sudden rush and as i glanced down a darkskinned blood soaked baby was dangling from me, its little arms and fingers, its little head . That fucked me up i couldn't breathe alls i could do was scream. The EMS guys came up to the apt and blood was everywhere, they had me slowly get up and the baby descended from me. They flushed it down the toilet without even calling their supervisor. That tore me apart. You know they had me do 12 different x rays, told me its urgent but i have a high risk of losing the baby?

Firstly i wanna apologize for being boge in the beginning, i wasn't committed to you because in my eyes we were a real thing, looking back we were more real then than we were in our final weeks together. I didn't realize you were giving me a chance then. I didn't realize what i took for granted until you became violent. It's partly my fault you became violent. So this my tell all i guess.

Secondly i wanna start with your cousins, Mike, Eldred , i never met mike before, it was around february when you went to jail for that warrant that you blamed me for because had i been at your house you wouldn't have been driving, i added him along of other relatives because i wanted support, i wanted them to like me, little did i know how bitter your family was. Eldred i met through one of my plugs i we became smoking buddies, it wasn't until he saw my bloodshot eyes when i explained a relationship didn't go as planned and he asked well who and i explained you and he was shocked. We only hung out couple times never did much because he was busy helping people get their cards.

Now mike, i didn't meet him until he started using the gas station by the apartments i use to live at apparently he was apart of a biker group or whatever you call it. I guess it was located down the road from me. That's when i really stopped leaving my house. Transferred to online school because leaving my house isn't safe, not when i had people facebooking me death threats. I didn't officially meet him until prime fest, i was leaving the concert and i saw him with his club dudes i guess you can call them. I saw him and yes, i walked up to them, i had to. I got beat over someone i didn't sleep with i HAD to look them in the face, and his buddy talked to me, as questions, asked what my name was and i didnt want mike to realize it was me so the best fake name i could up with was Olive, i slapped myself inside my head for that. But i had to meet the guy who apparently you thought was better than you. Alls i can say is honestly, he is no way attractive nor a guy id wanna hang with the idea of him being a biker guy is too intimidating enough. Let alone he towers over me.

Lastly,I want to say i'm sorry. I'm sorry i wasn't what we were suppose to be, i'm sorry i could save you, save us, or even save the baby. I'm sorry i didn't stay motivated to finish school or get a job, i just gave up when i moved into your moms. I'm sorry i made decisions in the beginning that were selfish and made you go over the edge. But more importantly, i forgive you, i forgive you not for you but for myself because without forgiveness i'll never be able to spread my wings and grow, i'll never seize the moment because i'll be stuck in fear of what could happen. I hope you learn to forgive me so you can grow and become a better you for your future wife because everyone deserves love. I just pray you become more wise and learn to control yourself, to stop blaming other for your actions, i pray you stay medicated because you shouldn't hear 7 different voices in your head.

But dont think ill forget the love once had, the showers we had, you slipping and almost busting your ass, the Vons Market munchie run, I'll never forget our rooftop blunts and vents or how demon was there for me. But the main reason i'm writing this because i'm closing the door to our horrided story. Im done letting it cower over me, i'm closing every existence to what was us, im letting beauty die.

So this is it Vincent.

My goodbye.

It's better to have been loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Sincerely,