#sorry anon i kinda ranted and trauma dumped do you still love me

[webanglikethat]

Tbh I think the capitalist path option to "urge the boys to stick with their families" is really sweet. I'm doing that on my princess!jaynie x grant route.

I love how Langley has empathy for various economic alignments. You have "safety of wealth" capitalism MC who is clearly scared and doesn't want to starve (because dismantling capitalism is a noble goal but people who are struggling just to survive... can't do that). And then you have an equally desperate anticapitalist MC who wants capitalism to stop destroying her life and the lives of her loved ones. Then you have idealistic anticapitalist MC who joined the movement. I already mentioned the fourth option.

exactly exactly !!! couldn't have put it better anon <3

safety of wealth MC makes me feel so sad :(( like I can relate to Jaynie a lot having grown up kinda poor (especially POC!Jaynie) so idk it just feels kinda :(

SOW!Jaynie is such a perfect example of how capitalism traps people, especially those who are just trying to survive as you said. she’s got this fear of scarcity ingrained in her not because she’s materialistic or obsessed with wealth (not that there is anything wrong with that tbh) but because her entire life has been a constant battle to stay afloat. when you grow up with so little, money isn’t just money; it’s safety, stability, and control over your own life. capitalism makes survival feel like a luxury yk. it's kinda hard to grow up and not be obsessed with money in such a scenario tbh, especially again with POC!Jaynie who had immigrant parents (immigrant child speaking if it wasn't obvious lmao)

it’s one thing to know dismantling the system is the right thing to do, but when you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it’s hard to think about revolution when you’re just trying to make sure you have dinner tonight. like sure, there are bigger issues you need to fight but at the same time, you're just trying to live. it's hard to care and then you feel guilty about it because you DO care but your priority is just making it out alive and it's this relentless cycle of guilt and shame and UGH.

and then you have her younger brother, who’s struggling with drug abuse, and Jaynie has to step up for him because, of course, there’s no social safety net to rely on. It’s all on her. and I love how she calls out the boys for this!

and then as you said anti-capitalist Jaynie is so interesting too !! cause there’s this raw, desperate, fucking angry side of her that recognizes how capitalism is the root cause of everything she’s gone through. she knows that no matter how much she scrapes by, the system is still going to keep grinding her and her loved ones down. this would probably come from a place of finally snapping; she’s done playing by the rules of a system that was never built to help her or people like her. she’s tired of capitalism turning grief, love, and survival into things you have to pay for. she doesn’t want to see another person stand at a grave empty-handed because flowers were too expensive.

and you can't blame either sides.

these two routes are like two sides of the same coin, and they both stem from the same core: her desperation to survive and protect the people she loves.

on one side, you have Jaynie clinging to the "safety of wealth," because it’s the only way she’s been taught to survive. she’s internalized that stability means money because that is the truth! you can't live without money. and it's not about supporting the system -- it’s about surviving within it because she doesn’t see another option.

on the flip side, though, there’s her anti-capitalist route, where that same fear and desperation fuel a completely different response: rebellion. she wants to burn it all down. she’s seen first-hand how capitalism exploits people, traps them in cycles of poverty, and turns basic human needs into commodities. this isn’t a rejection of her survival instincts but an evolution of them; she’s still fighting to survive, but now she’s fighting for a world where survival doesn’t come at such a cost.

the contrast is so fascinating because both sides show how Jaynie is shaped by the system she’s trapped in.

Jaynie realizes that the "safety" of wealth is an illusion, it only exists for a lucky few, while everyone else suffers.

I had to write a paper and hold a presentation about the American Dream, even visited a museum about it and I was just reminded of it while writing this.

there's a quote that says: ‘The American dream of rags to riches is a dream for a reason - it is hard to achieve; were everyone to do it, it wouldn't be a dream but would rather be reality.’ Jaynie's story reflects this truth in the most personal way because she has learned the hard way that wealth and success don't come to everyone, no matter how hard they work, how smart you are.

one of the biggest barriers to the American Dream is economic inequality obviously. the wide gap between the wealthiest groups and the rest of the population exacerbates inequalities in access to resources and opportunities and creates barriers for those born into poverty. recent polls (late 2023 if I remember correctly) reveal that people perceive economic inequality as a common barrier to the American Dream. according to the Pew Research Center, the wealth gap between America's richest and poorest families more than doubled from 1989 to 2016, with the top 20% of households holding more than 77% of the nation's wealth. this disparity in wealth distribution undermines the belief that hard work alone can guarantee success, which is what the American Dream is based on. and while some remain optimistic about the realization of the American dream (mostly rich people obv) (also optimistic could be out of sheer desperation, clinging onto this hope) a significant portion of the population views this dream with skepticism. the 2017 Hearth State of the American Dream report found that 75% of Americans are losing faith in the American Dream, with fewer than one in five feeling they are living it.

idk just some additional thoughts I add

[hi-rubi]

hi Rubi this is 👁 anon!! I sent you an ask off anon but I figured I’d send you another and try to say something else. I read another person’s ask that said your writing balances toxicity and redemption well, and I have to say I really agree with that. I love that you don’t shy away from having your characters do shitty things and then having them suffer through the consequences of said things. I think that’s a really mature way of exploring and handling certain darker topics, and it does show that deep down you believe (or want to believe) that people can change and evolve and be better, whether for themselves or for love etc! it’s been something I think about a lot - the way that in your stories, no one is inherently unlovable; characters who believe that eventually realize their own worth, and they learn to fight for themselves.

(sorry this is gonna get long and I hope this doesn’t count as trauma-dumping?) recently I kinda took a step back from a friendship I had with my ex-crush: I really liked him, he didn’t like me that way, and it was hard on both of us? like we changed. we were best friends for a few months and he’d be the first person I talked to when I woke and the last I talked to before I slept. at some point he called me his best friend and deliberately made time to talk to me (like he worked on his class work beforehand so he could message me during class). and when he got a lot more distant I actually would just wrestle with myself and the feelings of loneliness and rejection. I once wrote you a very rambly long anon that I’m slightly ashamed about (bc I really shouldn’t have trauma-dumped in your inbox), but anyway... I realized there were some key differences between us (funnily enough the dispute was about the Mineta update; I was like “omg not Mineta” and he was like “these people suck for looking for representation in the wrong places”) and then I realized... this wasn’t good for me. I tried to not love him (and I will say I’m not in love with him anymore for sure) but it always hurts when you’re the one that’s more invested, right? not his fault that he’s not as invested though bc we don’t owe each other anything. so yeah I’m just taking steps back to not be so dependent on him (bc it’s draining to the both of us)! (it’s kinda sad that I’d been writing in my journal since April about how sad I’d felt about him distancing himself, and that it’s taken Four Months for me to actually stand up for myself and say what I wanted to say, but at least it’s done now! that’s something to be proud of, right? I never used to stand up to people I loved. I’d internalize everything, and then my self-esteem would just sink lower and lower. I’m glad that while this guy wasn’t It for me, at least he’s decent enough and cares about my feelings.)

anyway this long rant is just for me to say that reading your fics has been cathartic for me. the first time I read your fics (I think the rich boy Shoto one), I was sobbing by the time I read to part 5. I felt really lonely and I was wishing he would love me. but like slowly as I kept reading and kept thinking and evaluating, I realized I don’t need /him/ to love me. and sure I’m not perfect and I might have some of my own kinds of toxicity, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worth loving! I’m still working hard to love myself. I’m learning to be compassionate with myself while not giving myself excuses for toxic behavior (eg passive-aggressiveness, overthinking, etc).

I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful person (both in and out!!). I could tell this not just from what you write, but from how you interact with the people in your inbox, whether anonymous or not. you have such a big heart, and you pour so much of yourself into your writing. I can see how it’s been both cathartic and perhaps a little destructive to keep ruminating on certain scenarios you’ve dealt with. but also I’m so glad for you that you’re starting to see more hope and light, and hopefully you’re starting to need this coping mechanism less. you are wonderful, not just in what you give others, but in what you are.

when I was looking for MHA smut in the tumblr tag I wasn’t expecting to feel all of this and to experience this change. thank you for that. know that in your journey, there are people who are rooting for you!! love, 👁 anon

p.s. I read your ask about New York and I hope you feel a little more at home now!! you sound like an amazing person to be friends with. even though I’m nowhere near New York (I’m moving from my country to the UK which is still far from NYC), I hope someday I’ll be able to befriend someone like you! and I hope you enjoy the city and the friendships and the drinking and all of it 💜 take care Rubi! known you are loved. the stars cast their love on you.

Ohhhhh my gosh. Eye anon I have so many thoughts putting under cut.

I literally went through the exact same thing. That guy was the reason I wrote half my pieces. Like, scumbag bakusquad and all these other works were about HIM. I know SO WELL how you must feel right now. It is the worst, most painful fucking feeling in the world. The only reason I got over that guy was literally because I went on Wellbutrin (an antidepressant), and I realized my fixation with him (and other guys/things in the past) was quite literally because of my mental illness.

Please, please, please, PLEASE cut him off entirely. I think you mentioned you took a step back from your friendship; I want you to stop reaching out and messaging him completely. You don't have to take my advice, but if I could go back in time and tell myself something, it would be this:

Romanticize your life. Start working out and eating healthy. Get to a point where you feel good about your body. Switch up your fashion and wear shit you'd never normally wear. Experiment with makeup. Meet and talk to as many new people as you can. Go to new places in your city, whether it's a cool new library 30 minutes away or a pretty flower exhibit at the arboretum. Fall deeply in love with your friends and your family. If I were to write a story about you: you are literally a kind, beautiful main character who is moving to the new UK for a fresh start after being hurt in the past, and learns to love herself and others in the process.

Above all, never, ever get upset with yourself for falling for someone. You are an amazing person full of so much love, and he was someone you chose to bless with your emotions. But you probably love so many other things around you- your friends, the crisp air when you go on 7 AM morning runs, the nice lady who compliments your skirt at the store....... he is not unique. He's just one lucky person that got to experience your feelings.

You see how when you romanticize your life and paint yourself as the main character of your narrative, it helps shift everything into perspective? That is what helped me get over him. While my medication did most of the heavy lifting, that mentality just changed the game for me. I hope that you can internalize that, too. It takes a ton of work but I believe in you, and I want to hear updates on how beautiful your life is!! I would also recommend writing it all in a journal/online diary of some sort.

Whoa. You brought up.... SUCH an incredible point. "I can see how it’s been both cathartic and perhaps a little destructive to keep ruminating on certain scenarios you’ve dealt with." You're so right, it was destructive. I was always so absorbed in the cathartic part of it that I was always confused why I felt so destroyed afterwards. I literally wrote that quote doc on my "romanticization" document. There's something so beautiful and poetic about that line.

Thank you so, so much for sending this in. Your incredibly sweet words made me reread this message so many times and also save it. I really really appreciate you being here and I'm so happy I met you <3 Sorry this answer was SO long but eye anon I just.......... I'm just hugging you so hard right now. It feels like I'm talking to myself from the past and I just want you to know that I know what you're going through, and you will persevere.