#sorry about meta rambling but. Thinking. it feels too big of a hole to leave in the plot

[lecfosa]

i think a lot of the people wondering why armand would let louis die, or why Didn't he let louis die in the vault if that was his intention in the first place, are greatly underestimating how calculating and intelligent armand really is. first and foremost; he absolutely knew lestat loved louis too much to let him die, and it was a risk he was willing to take. claudia dies, lestat saves louis, armand swoops in to save louis from the vault and conveniently gets to take credit for lestat's part of it as well. and the next critical point: doesn't louis killing the coven vaguely ring a bell? wasn't there someone else (lestat) armand led to his first parisian coven / children of darkness so he could destroy it without armand getting himself involved? and both times he used the people lestat/louis cared about most to achieve it (nicki/claudia). it's nearly an exact parallel. and for all his talking about how he trusted the coven more than louis, if armand really cared more about the coven than he did louis, he literally could've told them about the warning louis had given him beforehand. but he didn't, because louis' revenge played into his hand - he managed to, again, get someone to do his bidding for him without ever getting his hands dirty.

[sweetie-buttons]

Fear Street commentary: How to Be a Vampire

Here’s what really killed Andrew: Emily thought she was perfect! She thought she was so good at softball. So smart. She thought she had a million friends. Plus she always bragged about her great taste in clothes. Personally, Andrew thought she looked like a moron, running around school in her little pleated skirts and stupid fake pearls. But here was the biggest joke of all—Emily thought she was gorgeous! Andrew knew he wasn’t great looking. He was skinny. His hair was somewhere between brown and red. His eyes were plain old brown. He had a million freckles. But so what? Big deal. At least his nose wasn’t stuck up in the air like Emily’s. This sounds suspiciously like someone trying to convince themselves they’re not jealous.

“It is too,” Emily said. “I read good books. I’ve read almost every book on Ms. Parma’s literature list in the library.” Don’t you just hate book snobs?

“I don’t remember seeing Vampire Secrets on Ms. Parma’s list,” Emily went on. “Or that thing you were reading last week.” “You mean The Mummies Are Coming?” Andrew asked. “That was totally awesome.” Sounds like rejected GB book titles.

Emily laughed. “Okay. Maybe you two are tied for weirdness. All you and T.J. ever talk about is monsters. No wonder neither of you has any other friends.” Lucy Dark should join those two.

“Oh, man!” he cried. “That was awesome, T.J.!” *insert Amazing Atheist joke*

“She kept making fun of one of his monster books, Alien Slime from Mars. Then one night he and T.J. arranged for her to see some slime for herself. Andrew giggled, thinking about how she stared in horror as green goo dripped down from her light fixture.” Was it made by a redheaded cat witch or mad scientist named Dr. Grey, by any chance?

“With a groan, Andrew made himself open his eyes. He needed more sleep. Much more sleep. He wished he hadn’t stayed up so late the night before, reading. He wished he could sink back onto his soft pillow again. And close his eyes . . .” Me every morning. Between this and the affinity for monster tales, our hero is basically me.

He could skip brushing his teeth for once. And washing his face. I agree, books are more important than hygiene.

HOW TO BE A VAMPIRE Roll credits!

“No!” Andrew’s voice hit a high note. “Nothing’s wrong! I can’t find my sneakers. That’s all.” Mrs. Griffin glanced at Andrew’s feet. “You’re wearing them, dear,” she pointed out. “Oh, right,” Andrew said. He pulled his head out from under his bed. “I mean, I couldn’t find them. And then I found them. Under my bed. There they were. So . . . I better tie them.” A+ lying skills

Andrew shut his eyes. He waited for T.J. to say the V word. *insert immature joke*

“What are you talking about?” T.J. asked him. “Um . . . you want the rest of this bagel?” What are friends for, if not to eat your food?

“But, Andrew,” T.J. said. “Think about it! You’re going to be around forever. Forever! And you’ll be able to fly. Every night you can go zipping around through the clouds!” I mean, there’s just the minor downsides of being destroyed by sunlight, allergic to garlic and addicted to blood. But apart from that, I don’t see the problem.

Andrew shrugged. “I’m starved,” he said. He didn’t waste any more time talking. He dug into that spaghetti. Mmmmm! The sauce was even better than it looked! He stuffed a whole meatball into his mouth. Are large appetites also a vampire trait?

“But ghosts have it easier. They don’t have to eat or drink or anything.” How is that easier? If you’re on a diet, maybe.

“We’re walking, Mr. Metz,” T.J. said. “Suit yourself.” The driver opened the door of the bus.” Are bus drivers allowed to do that?

“Vampires can’t cross running water,” T.J. went on. “It’s one of the rules. So the bus couldn’t go until Andrew got off.” It’s a good thing the bus could tell that one of the passengers inside it was slowly turning into a vampire and that vampire can’t cross running water, and was considerate enough to stop so Andrew could get out.

Now every dog began to bark at the top of its lungs. “Holy cow!” T.J. exclaimed.” No, those are dogs. Can’t you tell your animals apart?

“ ‘As a vampire-in-training,’ ” Andrew read, “ ‘you must obey the vampire rules. One. Avoid garlic. All parts of the plant will cause you to sicken and retreat.’ ” “Now it tells you,” T.J. commented.” To be fair, vampires being allergic to garlic is basically common knowledge about them.

In the basement, he found a battered cardboard refrigerator box. You mean the box the refrigerator comes in? At first I thought it meant a cardboard refrigerator, and I was about to question if those exist.

The dogs swarming around him? The cookie in his pocket. Except they attacked you after you offered them it.

But it was shaped like one—a coffin standing on end. So you’ll sleep vertically?

If a coffin cannot be found, any small, dark place will do. It could be his bedroom if it’s a small one and the lights are off.

“Talk with an accent,” he suggested. “Maybe he’ll think you’re a new student from some other country.” If he’s blind and deaf, maybe.

“Because then you can make me one!” T.J. explained. “It’ll be great! We can hang out together all night and play pranks! We’ll scare people out of their minds! And flying! Think about it, Andrew! Flying is going to be so cool!” There’s just the minor downsides of…wait, I said this already.

Maybe a snack would help. Milk and cookies. Hopefully vampires aren’t allergic to that.

An old cape of his mother’s. A long, black cape. Cool! Maybe she used to be a vampire.

“You figured that out all by yourself?” The vampire rolled his red eyes. I like him already.

“What are you, a genius?” The vampire shook his head. “Of course I left you the book. Of course I bit you.” He raised a fist and knocked on Andrew’s head. “Hello? Anybody in there?” I like to think this vampire’s had to coach so many children and put up with so much bullshit that he’s officially Done and now uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism.

“Count Humphrey Ved.” Alright. One. …That was lame.

“You’ll see. You will develop a taste for being a vampire!” He threw back his head and cackled at his own joke.”

-

“Your fangs will come, kid.” The vampire put an arm around Andrew’s shoulder. “Hey, maybe they’ll show up in time for Fangsgiving!” Again the vampire cackled at his own joke. Do all vampires have such a sense of humor?

“How could you do this to me?” Emily cried. “How am I supposed to explain this to my friends?” Her feelings matter more than his humanity. That’s siblings for you.

“Awesome!” T.J. exclaimed. “Totally awesome! You have to make me your first victim! Promise?” Does no one consider the downsides, minor as they are?

“Don’t do me any big favors,” Andrew said. “I’m not,” Emily said matter-of-factly. “It’s for me. You think I want to be known as the girl with the vampire brother?” Her reputation is worth more than his humanity. Again, classic siblings.

“Right.” Emily nodded. “Okay. I read about how vampires hate garlic and mustard seeds. How they hypnotize their victims. How, when they see lots of little things, they can’t resist counting them. How they get confused at a crossroads. How they don’t reflect in mirrors . . .” Due to some The Girl Who Cried Monster meta, I know they don’t show up in pictures and have OCD.

“You have to do three things,” T.J. told him. “You have to drive a stake through his heart. Then you have to cut off his head. And then you have to stuff his mouth with garlic.” Better safe than sorry, right?

“Wow! We should tune in to the weather channel,” Andrew told the vampire. “See what they make of all this. I bet it’s never snowed at this time of—” Reminds me of the unexpected snowfall in Life is Strange.

“I’m not sure,” Andrew said. “Could you go over the stalking part again?” I kind of wish he accidentally said staking because he was thinking of his plan to kill him and then quickly corrected himself.

“Stop!” the vampire cried. “I don’t care about your puny human activities! We have to get on with our hunt!” I bet hunting is a cakewalk compared to listening to the rambling of children.

“Loud and clear,” Andrew answered. “Oh, man! This kid is going to be so sorry he ever picked on me!” He was annoying in art class, so he deserves to get his blood drunk.

“You’re not getting the Dark Gift now,” the vampire said. “You’re getting death.” He smiled. “I’m going to kill you.” Anthony, this is your fault. You could’ve enjoyed being a vampire, but instead you had to try to kill your teacher instead of being grateful for his help. Sure, there’s the minor downsides of being destroyed by sunlight, allergic to garlic and addicted to blood, but that’s surely better than death.

“He can’t resist counting little things!” Does it have something to do with the “count” in his name?

“I made a mistake choosing you,” the vampire growled. “A bad mistake. But then, it’s the first mistake I’ve made in six hundred years. That’s not too bad. Still, it was a mistake.” I bet this is some kind of metaphor for your mom saying that about your birth.

“And one more thing!” he shouted. “Humphrey is a stupid name for a vampire!” He should’ve called him Humpty Dumpty to annoy him.

With a growl, Humphrey the vampire lunged across the room. It’s the first time he’s been called his name instead of “the vampire”.

The vampire shuddered. A thin wisp of smoke rose from the top of his head. A terrible scream escaped from his throat. Then his whole body vanished in a cloud of smoke. RIP Humphrey. Never will there be such a sassy vampire.

Sunlight. Why hadn’t he thought of that in the first place? It was much easier than staking the vampire. Much less messy too. And best of all—it worked. I feel like you’re forgetting something…

Andrew said, “Emily? Are you getting . . . bossy?” You act like it’s different for her, but you said it was regular behavior at the start.

T.J. frowned. “But, remember what my book said? Sunlight kills a vampire. But that’s all it does. It doesn’t remove the curse from the vampire’s victims. Only staking can do that.” I actually appreciate this twist. It isn’t shoehorned and addresses a plot hole. If it wasn’t there, it’s leave the reader noting that there was a specific way of killing the vampire that they didn’t execute. And at least you prevented Humphrey from turning more people.