#sorry I don't feel very eloquent right now I. just got done with a long shift 😅

[littlekysworld]

“Wh- what are you–? No, no, Midoriya, I’ll be there soon,” Toshinori stammers out. “The sect you’re in is closeby, we’ll get to you shortly–”

“– and make sure to take my hair, too, m-maybe Kacchan can have it– he knows everything already, so it makes– makes things easier…” Izuku is rambling, now, feverishly slurring over his own words. Before Toshinori’s reeling mind can process what in the hell he’s talking about, Izuku bursts into fresh tears. “I hope it’ll still w-work if I’m already gone. If it doesn’t– I’m sorry, All Might, I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t want to waste it–”

The blood drains from his face, from everything in his body to pool down to his toes, and the rest of him is left ice cold.

No. No, no, no.

Toshinori finds himself not simply rushing but sprinting through the nearest crowd of on-lookers, jumping into the passenger seat of the nearest departing officer’s vehicle and slamming the door shut after him.

Izuku is talking about transferring One for All. He's dying. Toshinori is currently listening to Izuku die.  

“And I’m– I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Izuku chokes out. “I’m really, really sorry I w-wasn’t successor you wanted–”

this scene absolutely broke me, so i choose this one for the dvd commentary ask game, if you're still doing them

Izuku insisting All Might to "take a piece of hair" to save OFA while he's dying is something I've seen in many other fics before. I know that this isn't a new idea by any means, but I wanted to include it in my fic, as well, because I 100% believe Izuku would do it. I think he would prioritize salvaging OFA as he sees it as one of the most valuable parts (if not THE most valuable part) of himself. The fact that he fears wasting All Might's greatest gift possibly more than he fears dying speaks volumes of his own estimated worth.

This is obviously horrifying for Toshinori to hear in real time. There's this immense stress of "holy shit there is so much wrong with what he's saying, there's so much I need to correct from our last conversation with eachother- I don't have time to right now, but what if he dies not knowing what he means to me?! What if he dies PERIOD holy SHIT"

[moonsorchid]

Rewatching ep.28 of Love Between Fairy and Devil and having some *cough* strong emotions

Part 1 (because I have a lot to talk about)

(spoilers ahead)

Um, what does that butterfly do to Shangque?

Shangque, baby, no, no, no, no, don't do this to yourself

I can never get tired of Canglan sea visuals

So Jieli has to keep taking an antidote every three days? I had totally forgotten about that. I try to find reasons to justify Ronghao’s actions – apart from him being a total snack – and I am sorry but I fail

Oh, my baby is at the bridge. She is so happy! I was so happy too when I first watched this scene. If only I knew

Look how happy he is too! He is finally smiling naturally. So excited that he will meet Xiao Lanhua at the bridge

But hey, will his brother let him be happy? Noooooooo. Little brat

Btw, if I was Dongfang Qingcang and people were outside my palace messing with my personal life, I wouldn’t have kept my cool

This whole scene of people asking him to kill Xiao Lanhua, is causing me nausea, and I wish I was kidding

But I have to pause and admire DFQC’s costume and the light. He looks majestic and there has never been a scene where he looks more a King than this one – I think

For a moment there I thought he was going to burn them all and I got excited. But he just used like one of the last three remaining blasts of hellfire to half destroy a pillar

Xunfeng, seriously, please get a hobby, do something else with your life other than trying to ruin your brother’s life – yes, I am angry, very angry

DFQC is way calmer than I could ever be. He explains eloquently why Xiao Lanhua is the best and how he has helped him. He has come such a long way

I hate though that the kingdom learns first that he loves her and wants to marry her before she does

Awwwweeee, he wanted to prepare the greatest wedding for her. Now I am sad. We never got to see that wedding. Petition for a season 2 to see the wedding

Question: DFQC realized in Lucheng that Xiao Lanhua is the goddess of Xishan. Why doesn’t he reveal this information now to stop them from b*tching about her being a fairy?

Xiao Lanhua is waiting at the bridge

Awwwwe

Oh now, you are all “Please think twice” and you act like you care for your brother. You exhaust me, Xunfeng

Xiao Lanhua is still waiting and it’s night now

Oh no, not the scene with the spikes. Not my baby. I am not emotionally ready. Nooooooooo

I had not prepared any tissues – I am keeping them for ep. 31 – but I feel like I will need them. Damn, it's so much harder to watch this scene for the second time. I don’t want anyone hurting them, I can’t!

And they keep on hitting the spike over and over and over again. *trying not to cry*

Xiao Lanhua is still waiting. I mean they could have done that with the spikes the next day. Let them have a romantic night for crying out loud

Aaaawe, he arrived. My heart.

This should have been the most romantic scene of the show, not one of the most heartbreaking scenes *pouting*

Their first kiss as a couple *melting*

Love how she pulls away and he still wants to kiss. Not sure if that was in the script *wink wink*

Why did her bracelet do that sparkle thingy? What did that mean? Why now?

Poor DFQC and poor Xiao Lanhua

I hadn’t realized on my first watch that he created thunder. So, Xiao Lanhua knew exactly how he felt

He went through all this excruciating pain and he still thinks of keeping her warm

Awe the marriage proposal. Finally something cheerful. I love that he had planned to have the proposal the day after they would hang the locks at the bridge. Who knew he would be so romantic *heart shaped eyes*

Xiao Lanhua is all like I don’t care about the treasures and stuff, but look, I made you this grass bracelet, will you marry me? She always has a way to subvert his expectations, right?

Oh come on, Xunfeng, let them kiss! I wanted to end this part on a good note, but you just had to show up like a fart during a date

Stopping here and pretending Xunfeng never happened. They just got engaged, grass bracelet and all, they are happy and ready to kiss.

Part 2 coming soonish (depending on my blood pressure I guess)

[elejah-verse]

*

The door bell went and Elena breathed in to still the butterflies that had ruffled up.

 Opening the door wide open, she bit a gulp back and muttered "Elijah"

"Elena" His voice light and musical, accentuating her name with a loving tone.

"Hey -come in," Elena said and as he walked in, she went straight to the point, not able to keep all that was whirling inside her any longer, "I'm sorry that I ran away like - a crazy woman yesterday. Everything was -"

"Unexpected?" Elijah suddenly jumped in, his nerves getting the better of him, concentrating now on jumping of her heart, trying to deflect from his own. 

"Well - yeah - no - so you think it was unexpected?"

"No - I mean - I - Elena, can I be frank?"

"Yes."

"In truth, yes. As you know I -" For the first time in a very long while he felt like the nervousness got the better of him. He, who has always been most eloquent one, now couldn't find the correct words to say what was nestled deep inside of him.

Lately when I look into your eyes, I fly

You're the only one I need in my life

Baby, I just don't know how to describe

How lovely you make me feel inside

You give me butterflyz

Got me flyin' so high in the sky

I can't control the butterflyz

"You are still not ready for anything. and I get you. So - we brush it like it's just one of those things - that happen." Elena made a little hand clap, feeling her stomach flip over with an unexplained disappointing hurt burst in.

"I do not wish to brush it off - in all these past months I have come to - admire you more than ever. And this admiration has grown into something that I have felt for - a very long time. Elena, I feel very profoundly for you. I always have done. There are no number of mistakes that I have made, but kissing you last night was not one of them."

"No, it was not a mistake. It felt good and right." Elena felt her heart bloom open like a rose. 

"Yes. Oh, Elena" Elijah stepped forward, closing the gap between them, cupping her face with his hands. He leaned down and drew Elena's lips to his. She trembled, a feeling euphoric warmth rushing through her. His lips were gentle, warm, fervent.

Pulling slightly out of the kiss, the Original looked for confirmation in the Doppelganger's eyes"You want this?"

"Yes, I want this." Elena's eyes shot back at Elijah now pulling him back into a zealous, demanding kiss.

Elena felt a smoldering heat deep within her as Elijah's grip tightened slightly, crushing her body to his, gentle yet firm. She slanted her head further, deepening the kiss.

Enveloped, Elijah sped them up to the sofa. They slowly peeled their clothes off inbetween kisse, twisting and gasping together as they worked the buttons, hooks, zips with unsteady fingers, until the last impediment slipped away.

Breathless with delight as he showered her with gentle, soft kisses, each with its own flicker of warmth, Elena shook, feeling the heat spread all over.

And then in the warmest rhythm of her flesh, both shuddered with the overwhelming sense of this was what they needed, wanted. Her body writhed under his smooth kisses, losing themselves completely in one another, he was only dimly aware of her whispering his name, egging him on. There was nothing but obliterating sensation, thrilling and swelling, and the sound of skin on skin as their limbs slid across each other in this sensuous meeting of two bodies, souls, hearts. 

You and I are destiny

I know that you were made for me

[dourpeep]

OKAY time for a college au!!

You 3 know each other from before college

You and kazuha were seating next to each other during your first year of high school you became close enough to greet each other whenever you guys pass by each other

And you and Xiao were best friends from kindergarten to 2 grade but unfortunately you had to move suddenly you two tried to keep contact but the two of you made new friends and kinda lost contact with each other

So when you go to college you meet kazuha at the front desk when you're trying to get your schedule and yall are like "omg I'm so happy to see someone that I know here!" and when you guys check your schedules it turns out that the two of you have the same class during the first period

And you're like "we've got 30 minutes wanna go grab a cup of coffee and get lost together?" and kazu knows that you playfully flirt with your friends so he jokingly says "are you asking me out for a date? Because if you are then I accept!" and you guys talk on the way to class and the two of you barely make it on time

Class ends and you're sad to say goodbye to the only person you know on campus but then all of a sudden he hits you with a "by the way can I have your number?" so you two exchange numbers

Later you're going to your last class and it turns out that this class doesn't have many people you go sit in the back and someone comes up to you and is like "can I sit next to you? " you say yes obviously

But the thing is... there is something very familiar about this guy and you just can't put your finger on it so you kind of stare at him without realizing it

Of course he noticed how hard you've been staring at him and turns around and is like "what? Is there something on my face?" that's when it finally clicks

And you're just like "XIAO??! IS THAT REALLY YOU?!!" but the teacher comes in so you two can't really talk

But the moment class ends you tell him who you are and take a few minutes to catch up

Though I say catch up it was mostly you teasing him saying shit like "I can't believe the shy kid who used to tear up whenever his turn on the swing was taken would grow up to be this handsome!" (he's starting to think that maybe he should have sat somewhere else)

So you're like "hey how we go actually catch up I've got some coupons for this café I went to this morning with a friend"

He doesn't have a reason to say no so he just accepts the invitation

When you guys get there who do you meet? KAZUHA! This man actually works there!

When you see him you're like "kazuha why didn't you tell me that you work here?" but he pretends not to know you and is like "oh? Well who might this fine customer be?" you can tell he's joking by the way he's trying not to laugh so you decide to play along

Poor Xiao is starting to regret coming with you (but don't worry he got 2 plates of almond tofu as an apology)

-no primogems (I'll make another part later where you 3 become roommates)

YES I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS-

dhfaeiahe I realize now that I should've just posted this as is since I wasn't planning on adding to this but might as well add in some thoughts I've had about this lovely trio eh??? tbh I didn't add much I just slipped in a few little things hehe

Can you guess the roomates?? Also the bio professor is Albedo ehe

Anyway!!

Considering it's the first semester of college, you haven't yet decided on your major. Luckily, you have quite a few general education classes to take, so you register all in one night.

You'll have the time to figure it all out as time goes by, no?

The rest of summer is spent juggling moving into the campus' dorms, working, and keeping up with some friends from high school. While you've kept contact with a few friends, you definitely kicked yourself in the ass for forgetting to ask Kazuha for his number...how could you forget one of your best friends?

But, you suppose that he's far off in a whole other city with his wish to experience more. You can't help but wonder what he's up to.

Then, the first day of classes starts.

How did you not figure out where everything is first? Instead of moping, you trudge to the administrative building early to ask for directions and, even better, a map of the large campus.

Instead, you find a familiar head of cream-colored hair.

Immediately, you gasp and he turns around in confusion, only for a soft smile to spread over his features. It's only been a summer but it's a relief to see that you know another person. Comparing schedules, he points out that you both have Communications 1301 together.

For once, you're glad you have to take these mandatory courses...

But with an abundance of time (as Kazuha just so happens to know where the class is), he accepts your jokingly firtatious proposal to head to the cafe just across campus to grab a morning drink.

It's hardly been long since you've last spoken to him, but there's still so much to talk about! It turns out he opted to rent out a small studio apartment just a few blocks away from campus! Naturally, he invites you over sometime.

He's also admitted that he decided to major in English--something you're not surprised to hear. After all, Kazuha's a natural at the subject, exceeding the assignments and always so eloquent.

If you recall correctly, he used to tote around a little notebook full of little musings and poetry during high school. You wonder if he still does that.

You talk about how you've just moved into the dorms a week ago, how you're lucky to be rooming with two musically inclined (if not a bit rowdy) people. You're sure that he'd take a liking to them once everything is calmed down a bit. Kazuha just raises a brow in half-doubt.

Before you know it, it's been an hours and, to your horror, your first class starts in five minutes. Not to mention that it was back closer to the admin building and you were on the opposite side of campus.

But it's still fun, Kazuha laughing as you jolt up and tug him to stand, the two of you running to get to class on time. With heaving breaths and flushed faces, you make it just a few minutes late. Luckily, your professor didn't mind because it was the first day...

Following class, you have to make your way to Bio 1301, Kazuha having a major-specific English course to get to. Before you can speak, though, he offers his phone to you. It's newer than his old flip phone you'd tease him about all the time, the screen clean save for a few stray fingerprints.

After you put in your number, he beams and quickly sends you a call so you can have his too.

"Call me after you're done with classes, alright?"

You promise to and the two of you set off.

Biology proves to be uneventful, a full hour and a half of the (rather attractive) professor going over what to expect as well as passing out lab waiver forms. A necessary precaution, he said with a reserved sigh. You wonder what happened.

When the hour ends, you have some time before World History, followed by a Trigonometry course.

By the time you find your trig class, most of the seats are already taken, making that feeling of dread fill the pit of your stomach. Nothing is worse than being forced to take whatever seat is left. But, noticing a seat by the windows, it's not so bad.

You're in the back, though, settling your bag beneath your chair and picking out a pen and schedule book.

At some point, someone walks in and asks if the seat in front of you is taken. You don't bother to look up long as you fish out a notebook, letting him know it's free.

As class goes on, you realize that the guy in front of you most likely hasn't been paying attention. Considering that the professor has been rehashing stuff from Algebra...you're not surprised. But something about his dark hair catches your eye. Not to mention his striking gold eyes...hm.

It's not until you catch his profile as he stares out the window that it clicks.

"Xiao."

His eyes dart to look at you, a confused look washing over his face. You repeat his name.

"Yes?"

Part of him is just about ready to leave as recognition floods your expression, smile wide. How could you possibly---

"I can't believe the shy kid who used to tear up whenever his turn on the swing was taken would grow up to be this handsome!"

The tips of his ears turn red fast, something that you remember very well about him, and his gaze quickly flicks over to the professor still dragging on. When gold settles back on you, they're practically begging for you to lower your voice.

"It's been forever--I can't believe that you-"

"If you're going to talk, do it outside of class."

Ah. Oopsie.

Time seems to drag on while you buzz in your seat, excited to see your childhood friend after loosing contact. You've missed him over the years, always wondering what happened to him, how he's been. And finally, when class ends, he gets up and waits for you.

Naturally, you want to catch up, so you invite him to go to the cafe with you for a late lunch.

"You still like almond tofu right? It's all you used to eat when we were little." Laughing, you nudge his shoulder and the color returns to his cheeks as he mumbles a yes.

When you step into the cafe, a familiar voice greets you.

"If I knew a cute customer would be coming, I would've gone on break."

Kazuha leans on the counter, mirth in his eyes and you gasp. It makes sense now, why he's so well acquainted with the campus and why he'd already known what to order when you arrived for drinks-

"What can I get for you today?"

"Your number."

Xiao's face pales at the blatant flirting, wondering if he should've just declined the invitation to the cafe until the two of you burst into laughter. Though, it's hardly better.

"Sorry, sorry- This is Kazuha, one of my friends from high school. Kazuha, this is my childhood best friend Xiao."

With a day so filled with nice coincidences, you doubt that life can get any better than this.

Oh, how wrong you'd be.

[shadowfae]

hello! i've been questioning whether or not i'm kin and i'm really confused, so i was hoping to ask around

i'm pretty new to the kin community - kinda? i know most of the terms and i'm not exactly unfamiliar with it, it's just my first time actually being in it. i am, however, very new and not really that familiar with spirituality

most of the time when i start to wonder if i'm kin with something i start to doubt myself, mostly because;

1. i don't really know how to find out more about my kintypes, so whenever i question something, i just get stuck and eventually give up on it.

2. i have a lot of difficulty with seperating actually being something, just having a deep connection, or only wanting to be something & not actually being it.

basically - i was wondering if you had any tips on figuring out kintypes and stuff. i do sometimes get that "familiar" feeling i've seen a lot of kin talk about, but i tend to second guess myself because again, i get worried i may not actually be kin but rather want to be and just intruding in kin spaces dghddj

(also, this is kind of related, but i wanted to ask - is "kin shift" offensive to systems? someone said it was and when i asked why they said the term/concept is a direct mockery/carbon copy to the term "switch" and i was just wondering how you felt about that - though you don't need to answer it if you don't want to /g)

I'll answer the last question first, because it's shortest: the person who told you that is 1) an idiot, 2) doesn't know their history, and 3) probably an exclusionary jerk so they're probably full of shit on a lot more than just that.

Shifting, as in the term originally from the therianthropic side of things, comes from the alt.h.werewolves days; it's from the word shapeshifting.

Switching, as in the term from plurality, is an old medical term probably from the multiple personality disorder days - switching personality, like switching gears in your car.

They have nothing to do with each other. Also, you can't steal concepts. Plurality and otherkinity have very little, if any, cultural exchange and bleedover. The most I see is folks trying to figure out if something's a kintype or a systemmate, and that's not hard to figure out if you pay attention - at least if you're me.

I don't go into plural spaces often, they're usually full of sysmeds and I'm sorry, this system has enough trauma, we're not going to give assholes a performative breakdown just because that's what we need to be Valid or whatever.

Anyway. You wanted to know how to know you're 'kin!

Firstly, go here and go read everything Akhila's written. He's an amazing author, and pens down a difference that is very hard to articulate: between feeling like you're nonhuman, and simply being nonhuman. Feeling like you are can sometimes feel like putting on a costume, or being unsure, or it not being real. Simply being is past acceptance, of recognizing yourself, of living in your eloquence of yourself.

It's a very... adult feeling, what Akhila describes, and I don't mean that as in R-18, simply that it's not an emotion that I think most adolescents are really acquainted with. But it's also really validating, so give that a read.

When you've done that, I'll ask you one question, and your answer is vital: when you picture yourself in your head, ask that image to conform to nothing and to simply be, what are you?

Some of us, when first presented with that question, answered "I don't know, but not fucking this" and gestured to their bodies. That's the dysphoria talking, so try and see past it until you find what should be.

Some of us answered a specific thing, immediately, with no hesitation. Those people got lucky, but their first answer is probably the right one. If this is you, go and make sure you're certain.

Some of us answered a specific thing, but cautiously after a moment of thought, and then asked "But am I allowed to be?" or "But am I kidding myself?" Those people are holding themselves back, just a little, allowing respectability and performativism to stop them from simply existing. They need, usually, to step away from the community for a bit, do some reading, and look inside to see if they're sure.

And some of us, finally, gave a shrug and some vague feelings. A weight that feels like wings. A heaviness of scales or fur or a tail or digitigrade legs. Those folks need to do introspection, and narrow it down, and draw themselves over and over until the picture becomes clear. It's not a matter of making things up: it's a matter of remembering a story you were told when you were little, of reaching into yourself, and remembering how things should be, of unburying yourself from under the humanity nobody asked for.

Questioning takes months to years. It's not immediately. Sometimes you feel on a roll of figuring things out, get from point A to point F in a matter of hours. Go back and make sure point C stands on its own, and don't forget to consider point 4 that is now related. If you're sure you're a dog, make sure you have a snout, and you probably don't have a pack dynamic. Check in the things you didn't consider and see if you should be.

It's hard to answer this thoroughly without getting more details on what you've got to go on so far. But I can say not to be shy in questioning: you may walk away just understanding yourself a bit better but still being human, but right now you're a mystery, and you have the right and the honour of being here while you figure it out.

So long as you are respectful, to yourself and those around you, you have the right to stay at the campfire with us. Anyone who says otherwise can answer to me.

I hope that helps a little, and if it doesn't, feel free to ask me again.

[fairynavi]

unbearable

a haikyuu x reader ficlet

words: 3.01k

pairing: tsukishima kei x reader

warning/s: just pure fluff about to be thrown your way my dude

Tsukishima Kei has never pegged himself as the romantic type. Yamaguchi can confirm. The blond has never read any of those romance novels during his leisure time, he never pays attention to the dramas his mother watches on TV, and he's never thought twice about dating someone.

He's never fallen in love with someone. He thought it was dumb to fall in love, Romeo and Juliet being a good contender as to why love is such a complicating yet stupid thing. He believes that loving someone romantically is a bother, that's why he's never looked at anyone that way. He's merely protecting himself from getting hurt from love because everything that's said in those romance novels are exaggerated, he tells himself.

Tsukishima was content with everything he had as of now. He's okay with focusing on self-improvement, he doesn't need to value or think of other things.

That is until you showed up.

You're a first year manager, alongside Yachi, of the Karasuno Boy's Volleyball Team and Tsukishima immediately deems you as another person to avoid because the first person you got along with was Hinata. Just like with everyone else, he doesn't interact with you that much, and only says what's necessary when he has to talk to you.

Unfortunately for him, he finds out that you're classmates.

Tsukishima doesn't memorize everyone's names in his class, he doesn't feel the need to do that ever. Once classes end, he's immediately off to practice with Yamaguchi, that is unless he's assigned for cleaning time, so he doesn't even remember you right off the bat.

During English class, the teacher picks you to read a passage from the story that you were analyzing. Being fluent in the English language, this didn't bother you at all. So you stand up and begin reading. Everyone's eyes are on you. They've never heard you speak English before, so they're all definitely surprised, especially a certain tall blond a few seats away from you.

'She's eloquent...', he thinks. Of course, that's what anyone would think if they heard you speaking right now. He's staring at you, and he only realizes when he hears the teacher commend you on your English. He's trying to focus on the lesson, but his mind keep coming back to you and your voice. It's lovely, and soothing in a way. He feels his cheeks heat up a little from thinking about you too much. He finally calms down and focuses back on the passage.

As classes end, the blond sees Yamaguchi begging something from you. As he gets closer, he learns that the other boy is asking for English lessons from you. Yamaguchi notices the taller boy and give him a quick greeting before giving his undivided attention back to you.

"Yamaguchi-kun, are you sure you want me to teach you English?"

"Of course, [Y/N]! There's no one else I know who's as insanely good in English as you are!"

"Well, alright. I guess I can teach you English."

"Teach me as well." Tsukishima finally speaks. Almost in sync, Yamaguchi and you whip your head towards the tall boy's direction. You're just as surprised as Yamaguchi is from Tsukishima's sudden and very surprising request. Tsukishima, of all people, is asking for help. He must be having that much trouble in English to ask someone else to help him.

You're the first to break the uncomfortable silence and you agree to teaching the both of them the subject, Tsukishima is forever thankful for you taking the initiative in changing the awkward atmosphere between the three of you.

Over the course of a few weeks, he's warmed up to you. He talks to you a lot more now, and very rarely he actually engages in the conversation first, but those were usually about homework. Thanks to Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, you've developed a good amount of confidence in your skills as well. You're much more social than you were before, though that's because of Hinata's influence on you, and you participate in a lot of the class activities, be it extra curricular or just favors from your classmates.

Tsukishima always thought you'd eventually forget about him and Yamaguchi, so he stopped himself from getting too attached to you, but to his surprise, you never said no to Yamaguchi whenever he asked to hang out. Sure, you've made a lot more friends now, and you've gained some popularity as well, but you never strayed too far away from the first friends you've ever made.

Not only are you smart, but you're also incredibly kind and selfless, traits Tsukishima never understood. You'd almost immediately, and sometimes literally, drop whatever you were doing and go and help them with whatever they need assistance with, even if it's a little request like taking the trash out to the garbage bins behind the school. You basically thrived off of helping out, and Tsukishima is beyond intrigued by you.

You see, Tsukishima has never seem himself as selfless. He only does things that benefits him. He'll only agree if something is of use to him. To put it in other words, he's selfish. He's never done things to help others, he'll only do so if necessary, such as group projects. He's never the type to consider actually helping someone out because he just felt like it. If it benefits him, he'll do it, if it doesn't, he won't. Simple as that.

Before Tsukishima's even realized it, he's staring at you as you talk to a classmate of yours. Unfortunately, Yamaguchi notices the boy's lovestruck state and decides to initiate a conversation with him. "Tsukki, you've been staring at [Y/N] a lot," He says, catching the taller boy's attention. Tsukishima's eyes dilate in his sudden approach, his cheeks having a tint of pink, and he glares at his friend.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki, but I'm just surprised how she hasn't noticed just how much you stare at her."

"... Is it really that obvious?"

"To me, it is. To her, it isn't."

Tsukishima groans internally. He didn't even notice that he was staring for so long until Yamaguchi brought it up. No, he will not admit that he was admiring you. Never. He'll get over this, right? This is just a one time thing... right?

Wrong.

He wants to get closer to you now. He wants to interact with you every day. He wishes he sat near you so he could ask for a pencil just so he'd have an excuse to talk to you. He hoped that his heart would stop beating faster whenever you looked at him and smiled. He hoped that his cheeks would stop growing pink whenever you laughed at a corny joke Hinata made. He hoped that his legs wouldn't get wobbly whenever he hears the mere sound of your voice. He hoped things would just go back to normal. But just hoping wouldn't work.

Tsukishima Kei has undoubtedly fallen in love with you.

And he's realized that when he overheard a conversation between you and a male classmate;

"Hey [Y/N]."

You stop erasing on the chalkboard and turn to face him properly. You dust off the chalk dust on your skirt and blouse and reply, "What's up?"

"I was wondering... Could we, you know, meet- uh, meet behind the school later? Before your club activities, of course..." He was clearly blushing, everyone could see that, he was fidgety, and he stuttered a bunch of times. Anyone could already tell where that was going. Except you.

"Oh, of course!" You smile innocently at him, as he smiles back widely. He goes back to his group of friends with a very victorious look you were unable to see. As you turn around, you are met with a pair of familiar pair of eyes, staring you down as if you did something unbelievable.

"[Y/N], what was that about?"

"I don't know, he probably needed help with something. Maybe homework. But he could've just asked me right here, it's not like I would judge him for asking for help. Maybe he's just shy, who knows?"

Yamaguchi face palms at your response, you're even more confused. The green haired boy looks at you in disbelief, and sighs in frustration, "You know what, I'll leave that to you to find out."

Yamaguchi did say he'll leave it to you to find out, but he needed to know how things would turn out. So he dragged Tsukishima along with him, who silently agrees to following you behind the school, despite you telling them that Daichi or Coach Ukai might get mad at them for being late. Yamaguchi, bless his soul, told the two of you that he would take responsibility and would take any punishment that went along with it.

The two boys hid behind the corner of the building, listening closely to your conversation with your classmate.

"Nakamura-kun, why'd you ask to meet me here?" You ask him, clearly not understanding the atmosphere that was around the both of you. Anyone who would catch you there would understand what was happening, but unfortunately, you just couldn't predict what was going to happen.

He stood there for quite a bit, fidgeting, and avoiding eye contact with you. His face seemed all red and you began to worry if he was getting feverish from all this. You take a step forward and he immediately freezes up from you getting close to him.

"Nakamura-kun."

"Y-Yes?!"

"Are you feeling ill? You look red. Maybe you should go to the clinic."

He shakes his head repetitively, saying he wasn't ill and that he really had something to tell you. You nod and wait for him to say it, as you didn't want to make him uncomfortable enough than he already was.

"I... I really like you, [Y/N]!"

"Oh? I like you too, Nakamura-kun."

Yamaguchi face palms. Tsukishima stifles a laugh.

"Really? Then, will you go out with me?"

"Go out? Right now? But I still have club activities." You tilt your head in confusion as he fumbles to find the right words.

"No! Not right now! Maybe on Saturday! Yeah, does that sound good?"

"Oh, perfect, I'm free that day. So which subject are you having trouble on? If it's Math, I can't really help you with that."

Yamaguchi is currently trying to stop Tsukishima and himself from laughing out loud.

"What?" He looks at you, his life draining out of him.

"We're talking about homework, right? Oh! Did I get it wrong? Did you need help with another thing?"

"[Y/N], no. I meant... I meant like go out on a date! Like a romantic date!"

You squint your eyes at him as you process the words in your head. One by one, the cogs in your slow brain finally start moving, and you finally get what he's trying to say.

"Oh, like those dates you see in the movies? I'm sorry, Nakamura-kun, I'm just not the person you should be liking, there are a lot more girls there that will surely make you happy. I'll just make you frustrated, I'm sorry. I really am." You bowed at him politely but he assures you that he doesn't need you to apologize, he just wanted a proper answer from you.

Hearing you say that made Tsukishima's heart drop. You were already aware that you'd make people frustrated with you, and he didn't want you to think that way. He felt a strong desire to change that, but you guys were just friends, he doesn't have a right to change anything about you, he doesn't even have the chance to.

You turn around to see Yamaguchi snickering like a kid and Tsukishima just looking at him with his signature annoyed look. You laugh and them and begin dragging them to the gym, where you were met with an annoyed coach, a concerned Daichi, and very curious players.

Despite having rejected that boy, there were still other people from other classes who tried to woo you with their pick-up lines, but you never really got them, so you just laughed and nodded in hopes of them not getting hurt by you not being able to comprehend any deeper meaning to what they say.

"Does your hand feel heavy, [Y/N]-san?"

"No? I don't think it's possible for a hand to feel heavy?"

"Nevermind."

You tried your best to understand, you really did. You just wanted to keep up with their pick-up lines, but you just couldn't do it. You've never had that kind of experience, so it was hard to understand what they were trying to say.

But without realizing it yourself, you were also beginning to get interested in a certain tall blond classmate. You quickly dismissed these reactions as something everyone can experience, you weren't the only one, of course. Everyone feels this way around Tsukishima. Right? Right?

"[Y/N], I can very much confirm that not everyone feels that way towards Tsukki."

Oh.

"So, your legs don't get wobbly and your heart doesn't beat faster around Tsukishima?"

Yamaguchi laughs and you feel yourself feeling embarrassed as he does so. You give him a light punch on his arm, since you can't reach his head, and cross your arms, a pout present on your face.

"[Y/N], I'm not in love with Tsukki."

In love? Is that what it is?

"I can't be in love. I don't even understand what love is enough to actually feel it." You say, trying to convince yourself more than you're trying to convince Yamaguchi, who only shrugs at your response.

"If you say so, [Y/N]."

The next few days were weird.

For some godforsaken reason, Yamaguchi had convinced Tsukishima to at least flirt with you a little bit, having learned that the blond was hopelessly in love with you, even though the taller blond told the other that you'll have the same reaction as you did with those other guys that tried to do a pick-up line on you.

The first time he tried to flirt, which was a pick-up line about a highlighter and brightening up his world, it turned into you telling him a story about how you accidentally drank water with highlighter ink thinking it was some kind of juice. He was actually immersed in the story sometimes, teasing you about how you couldn't recognize the color of the highlighter.

The second time he tried to flirt, where Yamaguchi would "accidentally" shove you into Tsukishima, he pushed you too hard and ended with you sitting on top of a very uncomfortable and potentially hurt blond.

The third time he tried to flirt, where he intended on staying close to you a lot, like sitting next to you during study sessions, walking next to you during the walk to the gym, just staying close to you in general, you didn't at all notice because you just thought it was normal for friends to do that, all the while trying to ignore your loudly beating heart.

The fourth and final time he flirted with you, was when you finally confessed to him.

Tsukishima is an observant person, so he's probably noticed your mannerisms around him by now. How your tone of voice changes when you talk to him, and how easilt flustered you get when you talk to him. He thought he had a chance, and he was right.

"I don't really like talking about feelings that much but Yamaguchi told me to tell you everything that I'm feeling. So, here goes nothing, I guess."

You take a deep breath and you suddenly feel as if the ground was shaking. You're terrified, but you have to do this. You've already committed to this. There's no turning back.

"Tsukishima, whenever I look at you, I feel really happy. Your voice makes me feel like I'm on the comfiest pillow in the world. Whenever you do that really cute smirk when you tease Hinata or Kageyama, it makes me laugh a lot. You're weird."

"Excuse me?"

"Shut up, I'm not done yet."

You inhale once more.

"You're really mean to Hinata and Kageyama, and you're also unintentionally mean to a lot of our classmates, but I like that about you. Whenever you offer to help me with Math, I kind of feel sad because I'm supposed to be the one doing all the helping!"

"You don't always have to help-"

"Let me finish! You're actually really nice, you know? I saw you playing with a stray cat the other day and giving it food and it made my heart do flips! You looked really cute. I don't know how to express myself properly, and when I try to, it's word vomit. I want to learn and try to be better for you, I want to know what to do with this slow brain of mine, and I really really want to do all those romantic stuff with you."

You're in the verge of crying, but you quickly wipe away any evidence of you crying.

"I... I think I like you, Tsukishima."

He doesn't say anything and you feel embarrassment creeping up behind you. The air is suffocating and you want to run away, but you legs are stuck to the ground. You feel ashamed in the other's presence, wanting to dig a grave and rot in it.

Then, you feel big arms wrap around your smaller frame, pulling you close to his chest, as he buries his face on your shoulder. He only hugged you for a while, as he isn't that type to prolong skinship.

You clear your throat and break the short silence between the two of you, "I've been meaning to ask. Did you flirt with me earlier?"

"Have been for the past week, but thanks for noticing." He replies almost immediately as you just stand there in shock.

"Oh."

"You're unbearable, [Y/N]."

You look up at him and laugh, punching his chest lightly.

"But you love me."

"Yes, yes I do."

this is my first haikyuu character x reader ficlet so i hope you at least like it a little bit hahahah

[kckenobi]

Hi kasey! B, F and Y? in case you haven't already. I'm glad you got through this week!❤️🥰 Now you can write as much as you want (presuming you don't have anything else to do)

Hi Ann! Sorry I’m getting to this a little late—there were a few in my inbox I kinda forgot about lol. And thank you!! Yes I got so much writing done this weekend, it’s been SO NICE after such a wild week :)

From these fic asks

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

In a way, yes! I mean there’s a lot of little snippets in my fics that come straight from real life, if not the plots themselves. There’s a joke between my brother and I where he once said “I’m a giant asset” and I said “your half right” to call him an ass, and that made it into chapter 2 of bloodlines lol. Also things like the brotherly banter, unspoken affection (cause my family tends to not do the words thing very often), etc are some general things across most of my fics, probably

Rainfall came from a moment last summer where my friends and I got caught in sprinklers on the lawn of the Washington monument in D.C. at 11 P.M. and started screaming and running through them, and my best friend was pulling my hand and I couldn’t even see through the raindrops on my glasses so I just let her lead me, laughing

Keepsakes is straight from my own experience of moving out to go to college, packing things up in my childhood bedroom and getting all nostalgic about it with my mom (jokes on me tho because I’m back to living in my childhood bedroom lol)

Six Feet Under comes from me being claustrophobic lol, and projecting a worst nightmare scenario onto Obi-Wan

Also, any of my Obi-wan migraine fics are basically me projecting lol, I don’t get migraines but I have a thing that has similar symptoms and just...really like to see Obi-wan being taken care of (so self-indulgent I know but this is fic folks)

Y: A character you want to protect.

Ahsoka. I once entertained writing a fic where Ahsoka does die on Mortis and literally could not even think about the idea seriously without going NOPE. NOPENOPENOPE. She can’t die she is a precious child oh god

F:��Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Ooh I think it was this one from When the Music Stops:

“You’re paranoid,” Satine said.

“I’m realistic.”

“And you’re afraid.”

“I’m right.”

“And did it ever occur to you that you’re not the only one?” She rose her voice, and Obi-Wan took a step back. “I lost you once. I have felt the weight of that grief already, and I feel it even now. But after Naboo…when I found out you were still alive, that the whole thing was a hoax, I expected perhaps that weight would be lifted. Yet it hasn’t been,” she said. The stained-glass light made her face look flushed, and her eyes flared. “It hasn’t been, because I lost you a long time ago. No, I’ve lost you a million little times—on Mandalore, on the Coronet, on Coruscant—yet still I fear the day I’ll lose you again. And I’ll be grieving you preemptively for the rest of my life.”

She finally looked away, and the loss of her gaze felt like something had been ripped from him.

 “Satine—”

“You Jedi always prattle on about letting go,” she said, turning away to face the stained glass. “Well, my life has been a grand exercise in letting go, in letting be what must be, in losing. I have made my peace with that, and I am prepared to face whatever end may come to meet me. Whatever end, except one—one where the phantom weight of losing you becomes real. Where I’m the one left behind, instead of the other way around.”

I love writing dialogue with Satine and Obi-Wan because they’re both so eloquent and trained to use language very intentionally, so when you put them together it’s just....yes. Plus this fic is just special to me, and I have you to thank for the fact that it exists :)

[jjungkooksthighs]

finally got enough time to read yearn for you and girl!!!!! where do I start from? first of all, I'm sorry you did not receive enough love for this fic but I'll try my best to try and express all the gratitude for you. ok so, this is gonna be messy because english is not my first language and I'm a bit dyslexic so forgive me😔... I remember reading edacity and thinking damn! she can write! and got soooo hooked on the way you write. then I stumbled on claws of carnality and I already told you anything I had to say about this fic: a masterpiece. then I decided to read undercurrent (I couldn't read it straight away because of how long it is and how hectic life could be) but then again, what else could I have expected from you? the way you described the scenes (don't wanna spoil anything if people didn't read it yet).. it was like I was there (this applies for all of your fic but this one has something different to it? can't really describe it, I'm sorry). you are such a talented writer, so elegant, so eloquent, so detailed, so entrancing, so attractive in a way? so when you announced you were going to post another story I was thrilled! and you delivered, god, did you deliver. I was so frustrated with jk at the beginning of the story, you pulled me in your story with just a few sentences.. but at the story went, I felt so content because of how you described their relationship, the trust they have in each other, the desire to please the other, the love you can basically feel through the words and when I was reading about the flashback, I could feel the love. I also loved how even if he is a hard dom, he is so whipped for her... when she stands after he strips her and he sees her kick her heels off and he grins? my heart beat a little faster, don't ask me why. I loved how even if jimin was there, he could also have not been there at all and the after care? the way he is basically going around, calling her his fiancee, love them. at the end, my greedy, curios brain (and heart, who am I kidding) wanted more lmao. I have a few questions if you don't mind.. what happens with taehyung? because he was a bit of a brat, trying to get in her pants and then complaining when he got a bit left out? honey, you got a big storm coming. will you ever write little drabble for this couple? like, how did he propose? not gonna lie, kinda curious about the dress he picked out for her for the gala.. no pressure tho baby, feel free to ignore this part. I also loved how he called her petal and flowers and how he didn't even think twice about buying the necklace. want something like this for me, it would be the life, having someone you love who loves you back and is always ready to remind you... anyway, this is all for today, gonna go read yean for you a few more times now☺️🥴. hope you are having a good day, we love you💙

Your english is very impressive for someone that doesn’t speak it primarily, darling. You don’t need to apologize for being dyslexic, either. You can’t help that and should not apologize for something beyond your control. Anyway, you found me through Edacity, huh? It’s always interesting hearing about how you guys find me, I have to say. That one was written in a lust filled craze following the video that the gif used for that fic was recorded from. Manbun Jungkook really took my pussy (and fingers) and said WORK FOR IT. Ugh, he’s just so hot istg I really couldn’t help myself when I wrote that fic, lol. Anyway, it’s cute that you cycled through like all of my fics and I’m glad that you liked my work enough to keep reading through everything that I had posted on here! I will say that Undercurrent is very precious to me because it’s the very first reader x member fic that I wrote and posted to Tumblr. I love that story so much and I’m so elated to know that you appreciated it as much as you did! It took about two weeks for that like YFY, but every time that I sat down to write it, I just would smile like an idiot whenever I’d read through it at how cutely I encapsulated the lovers to be in their feelings for each other. 

Truly, who else writes a damn novel for their first ever fic? Gah, I am still so soft over Undercurrent. That fic is like my first child, lol. It is very special to me. So is COC, but we all know my sentiments about that fic at this point. I feel like I’m being annoying with it, but the self-consciousness and insecurity about that one still persists and whenever I hear about it from my readers, I get nervous because I have this lingering anxiety that more negative comments will be given on it. Well, this ask isn’t about COC, so I should move on, I think. Sorry about that mini-rant, anon!

Switching back to YFY, Jungkook’s personality in this one is a little different than what I have done before and I am glad that you liked the way he’s built in terms of his characterization. I wanted to show a Jungkook that was so in love with you that he is willing to give you anything you want (even if that means fucking another man) while also staying true to the possessive creature that we all know he is in real life. He adores reader very much and because of that, he just wants to see her happy at the end of the day. She is a constant in his life and gives him stability where the world would fall apart under his feet and he cherishes her for that for sure. I adored their relationship just as you did because they care about each other so much and each one of them just wants to please the other always. It’s funny that you say that Jimin could have not been there because the person that commissioned this fic from me actually wanted just a CEO!Jimin fic in the beginning, lol. Kook wasn’t even factored into the story in the initial stages and it actually was going to be a hybrid CEO!Jimin fic where he goes into heat while at work, but that idea was never fully fleshed out because Jungkook had to come out with his D’ICON stuff and really, it was over for me when I saw that video of him in the leather fit. 

I talked to my commissioner about it and she was more than eager to have Kook involved in the fic (even though she originally thought that I would not go so far as to write 31.5k words worth of shit that Kook was responsible for over 22.3k for before Jimin even makes an appearance, lol. I couldn’t really help it being the Jungkook slut that I am, but hey, it brought such sin out of it and I can’t apologize for THAT because it was too much fun to keep writing the lewd escapades of reader and her fiance that loved his future wife too much to deny her of anything so as long as he is part of it. 

As for Taehyung, well...let’s just say that Jungkook had a nice “chat” with Taehyung and the two ended the discussion with Jungkook sat in his office while Taehyung got to listen to a recording of reader fucking herself with Jungkook’s name falling repeatedly from her lips. Taehyung may or may not have had a tent in his pants while Jungkook gave a cruel smirk and when you’re summoned to his office, let’s just say that Taehyung gets a nice show while Jungkook fucks you over his desk. Now, this is done AFTER Jungkook orders you to bind Taehyung’s wrists with his tie so that he can’t do anything while he watches, his lips drawn between his teeth the entire time that Jungkook fucks into you like a crazed man. When it’s all over and you lie boneless on the desk, Jungkook eats the sandwich you brought him off your stomach before eating you out and let’s just say that when Taehyung leaves the office, his cheeks have never been more red both with embarrassment and rage. 

Wow, I really let myself keep going with that, huh? I guess that shows just how much I’m fond of YFY, lol. 

I would consider writing a drabble for YFY, but that would have to be commissioned as I am facing a financial crisis right now and can’t really afford to spend time writing anymore unless I will be compensated for it! It’s very sweet to ask that because it shows me you want more of this story and that’s very heartening to know!

As for the dress, I would be more than happy to show it to you if you message me (you can go through anon again if you prefer) once more with that question because this ask is already really long! 

Also, I’m pleased to know that you liked the pet names! I have a weakness for them, you see, so you’ll find an abundance of that in just about everything you read from me. 

It would be quite a life to have a man like YFY Jungkook in it, wouldn’t it? You would never want for a thing with him, that’s for sure. You also would never feel deprived of attention or love because he’d readily relinquish both to you 24/7. I wanna swoon over YFY Jungkook because he’s just so dreamy, isn’t he? 

Anyway, I am so happy to hear you liked the story. Thank you for reading my work and taking the time to say all of that, lovely. It really makes my day so much better when you guys tell me things like this and I can’t thank you enough for being nice enough to let me know all of this!

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Jesse

Jac: [some gossip about him that could either be a bit true or totally hilariously not] Jac: when were you gonna tell me, like? Jesse: 👎 Jac: That's what you would say now you've been found out Jac: I 👀 Jesse: not to you Jac: Hmm Jac: I look forward to getting the actual info to spread about then Jesse: you'll have a long wait, dickhead Jesse: be gone by then Jac: Where are you going? Jesse: be quicker to ✔ off where I ain't Jesse: fully booked, me Jac: No one likes a show-off 🙄😏 Jac: how busy are you now? Jesse: busy with a ☕ Jesse: you alright? Jac: Yeah, I'm good Jac: I'm just getting ready for when I go on my own one-stop tour Jac: so when you've got a minute between ☕s maybe we can talk Jesse: go on Jac: You sure? Jac: not trying to be that customer that can't take a hint Jesse: you heard Jesse: don't need to be the customer pissing about when I'm trying to close up Jesse: you're fine to crack on Jac: alright, understood Jac: I won't nurse my ☕ and order a 2nd with five minutes to go Jac: I don't know how to start what I wanna say, helpful, I know Jesse: I ain't put a ⏲ on Jesse: take a bit if you need Jac: I mean, you put me on the 🕔 a bit but I'll just ignore you when you put up the chairs around me 💁 Jac: There's a lot of stuff I don't wanna leave left unsaid Jac: well, a lot of me does wanna leave it and I know a lot of you probably ain't gonna thank me for it either but I don't think I SHOULD leave some of it, the way it has been Jesse: alright Jac: fuck's sake Jac: okay, do you want the apology, the thanks, or the reasons Jac: because I can do them all but you know, pick your fave or least so we can get it out of the way, I don't know Jesse: can you even have a sorry or thanks without the why bit? Jesse: if I dunno what you're sorry for or saying tah for, not getting very far, like Jac: since you've not actually got me a drink, you've got some idea Jac: but okay, I hear reasons loud and clear, no need to be so coy Jac: you know why I need to say thank you Jac: that's more apparent, and easier Jac: and I didn't just pick you because I had no one else, I still could've made mum do it all with me or nan Jac: I wouldn't have picked anyone else, anyway, which sucks for you but yeah, you stepped up and I wasn't appropriately grateful at the time, or close, so I'll say it now Jac: thanks Jesse: you weren't ready to tell her, I get that, that's why I did Jesse: and it weren't like I did it for a tah Jac: no, I know Jac: but I should still say it now, I wanna Jac: it was still shit, and is always gonna be a shit thing that happened to me but you took a bit of it on, and that counts Jesse: you can have one back, tah for not dying, that worried me for a bit there Jac: I still don't feel like I was ever that reckless, like, I know how that sounds, and obviously the baby was a wake-up call that it had gone TOO far, even for my standards Jac: but under normal circumstances, I would've protected you from that, cared to and I didn't, so that's a sorry too Jesse: it was shit scary, the baby bit especially, but that's why I weren't gonna just leave you to it Jac: I thought I had a handle on the rest, but yeah, I should probably let that idea go since what does that matter given what happened Jac: you could've, and I wanted you to, so sorry/thanks again Jac: that's the least eloquent way I can put it Jesse: if it makes it less of a headfuck for you, reckoning that you had it sorted, you can have it Jesse: I don't mind Jesse: but you ain't ever getting me turning my back however much you want it Jac: I don't know, I was doing reckless, destructive things, but I never thought I was going to die Jac: accidents happen though, so, maybe I can accept now that I was tempting shit back then Jac: I don't want it now, and I did want that less as the year went on Jac: but I'm aware it's shit I ever did, that that must've been, well Jesse: what happened to Is was proper raw for all of us back then, probably put me on edge about you more than it would've done Jac: Yeah Jac: it was so right after, I know that's what mum and dad thought Jesse: we've all thought all kinds of shit Jesse: Jude's said loads of it to me before now, like I can give her an answer ✔ or ❌ Jac: and I deserve to live with the consequences of just letting you all speculate Jac: I really know that, and I'm gonna talk to everyone and you can all say or not say whatever you want to me, it's all fair Jesse: we've all lived Jac: that don't mean it's alright Jac: or I ever reckoned it was Jac: I knew it weren't Jac: and again, that makes it less okay Jesse: you weren't alright, none of us were big enough dickheads not to work that out, even her Jac: Obviously Jac: but the point is, you can hold me accountable now and it won't be a waste of time, you know Jesse: you've been a prick, me an' all loads of times, we both will be again in a bit Jac: it's a bit more than that Jac: come on, don't insult me like you reckon I was like that before Jesse: yeah Jesse: but I ain't gonna bother to hold it against you til you actually do 💀 Jac: that's weird Jac: leave your grudges 'til the grave Jesse: I mean I ain't bothering with any grudges Jac: Alright, hippie Jac: are you graciously accepting my apology and gratitude then or what? Jesse: I'll take it Jac: okay Jac: anything you wanna say? Jac: not last words or anything but if you can before you 💀 I'd appreciate it Jesse: you gonna say why then or what? Jac: It isn't as if it's just the one thing Jac: and now that I have to say, there's the fear that you're all gonna say it wasn't a good enough excuse and that's why I didn't say anything in the first place so Jac: let me work up to it Jesse: just call me a massive twat Jac: No, like, it was a lot Jac: and for what Jac: but it was logical at the time, and what I felt I had to do, whether that seems warranted or nah Jesse: I ain't gonna say you weren't 💔 enough for what you did Jesse: nowt to do with me Jac: You might not Jac: you might think it Jac: but I'm not gonna concoct some lie that makes it all seem worthwhile, can't be that bitch Jac: fake sob story Jesse: unless you're a 🧠📖 that don't matter Jac: I'm not used to gossip rags lying or chatting shit on me Jac: I don't wanna imagine that you think the worst of me, tah Jesse: you already have done Jesse: it weren't just us imagining all sorts, come on Jac: I really, on the whole, wasn't thinking about anyone else Jac: not to brag about it Jac: none of you anyway, it wasn't like I HAD to do that, but it also wasn't a choice, being that cunt, shutting you all out Jac: my 🧠 wouldn't Jesse: not offering you a 🏆 or owt Jesse: you've sorted your head out a bit now, if you wanna tell us Jac: I don't but like, I don't want you all thinking the worse now, when that doesn't need to be a thing Jac: We can't have mum and dad thinking I'm gonna go live some trainspotting fantasies in Edinburgh Jac: 'cos I can't have them making trips over all the time, obviously Jac: also, don't wanna bore you with every in and out, so hold on whilst I storyboard my fucking drama here Jesse: would be a pisstake Jac: It all started when Amelia stopped being friends with us Jac: I don't know if she told you fuck all, as you're such pals these days, but it wasn't just like, a natural drifting apart Jesse: it was 'cause she was in love with you Jesse: dunno if you knew that an' all Jac: yeah Jac: that was it Jac: there was a relatively big declaration and like, I wasn't a dick about it, I don't think Jac: but I didn't feel the same like that so that was enough Jesse: it would be, yeah Jac: so like, she was gone but obviously not I still saw her all the fucking time 'cos there's no escaping anyone in this town, and that was just awkward at first Jesse: obviously Jac: and it did kind of piss me off, that she seriously couldn't be my friend still Jac: but it wasn't all about that, there was the Savannah element of it for us both Jesse: 'course Jac: She was jealous of her, didn't like her, all that Jac: and I cared less, because I did have her Jac: and then the Isabelle thing happened Jac: and it all really got fucked up Jesse: she was proper gone Jac: who was? Jesse: Savannah Jac: Right Jac: but before that Jac: the guy Jac: with Isabelle Jac: we didn't know Jac: but we knew he was like, well we thought he was gross, a bit cringe Jac: so me and Sav set her up Jac: people weren't wrong blaming us, even though they got the situation wrong and they didn't know that, it was just between us Jac: that's why we ran away, and a big part of why she HAD to leave, even if her dad wasn't the most controlling person ever Jesse: what did you reckon would happen? with this lad and Is? Jac: just that...I don't even know now Jac: that she'd make out with him and we could take the piss out of her for it Jac: or he'd try it on and that would be funny because he was so gross Jac: not that he wouldn't take no for an answer, that was never what either of us had imagined Jac: but we still aided that situation, even if unknowingly Jesse: no shit you didn't imagine that Jac: fact was and is, if we weren't such shit friends to her Jac: he was still at the party, still could've Jac: but it might not have been her Jesse: I could have a go at you about how you should've been a more decent mate but it's nowt you don't already know Jac: Yeah Jac: feel free to but obviously that's a huge part of what I've been thinking on these past two years so, you don't have to, like Jac: and then, like you said, Sav left Jac: and I couldn't be friends with Isabelle and I couldn't be friends with Amelia and that was that Jesse: you could've said something to me Jac: I've only just been able to Jac: for ages, it was easier to keep blaming her, or say it would've happened anyway Jac: it was raw Jac: everyone was in shock, and I didn't wanna give a basis for the shit people were saying Jac: god knows how it would've been Jesse: alright Jesse: it was fucking bad enough, I remember Jesse: the bollocks people were saying Jac: not that I had to come out and make an announcement, but even if I'd tried to explain to Is, to apologize, she'd tell her new friends and then everyone would know and I'd be as bad as him Jac: worse for the betrayal Jac: I didn't wanna hack that on my own Jesse: or she'd tell her ma and that'd be Jesse: fucking hell Jac: right Jac: she'd probably call the police or something like they can lock me up Jac: and she knew I was a bad friend, Is, I mean Jac: she'd known we all were to her for a while Jac: but I am gonna talk to her, before I go Jesse: 💡🥇 Jac: I know I'm not dying but it's the first fresh start I've had Jac: any of us, even if someone doesn't wanna forgive me, at least they know the score, if nothing else Jac: and I know I've said what I should Jesse: I'm chuffed for you, mate Jesse: don't reckon I could be 💔 and get into a top uni Jac: you could write a top hit though Jesse: don't sound like me Jesse: but I'd probably give it a go if I were Jac: that's all it's about ain't it ❤ & 💔 Jesse: depends Jac: I've never heard a top 40 about... Jac: idk, mowing the grass Jac: doing your taxes Jac: it ain't the mundane Jesse: I'll write one for you if you're gonna be 💔 about it Jac: I think I'll survive, tah Jac: rather not read the speculation about who broke your heart 🤢 Jesse: 🍻 Jesse: you gonna have a word with Sav an' all? Jac: She's arguably one of the only people I didn't really screw over Jac: she got to go to a better school and get a new, rich pretty boyfriend and not deal with that whole backlash Jac: though I'm sure she feels her guilt for it too Jesse: but there's shit you wanna say that you didn't get to Jesse: half arsed fresh start if you don't Jac: I did say it Jac: well, did Jac: she knows Jac: I don't think there's anything to be gained for her or for me from that one Jesse: 👍 Jac: Not got an actual checklist of people to get through but you know Jac: close enough Jesse: make dad a ☕ all it takes to get in his good books Jac: good books is a stretch but not being on his must-constantly-check-in-on list myself will do for now so yeah, fair shout Jesse: yeah if you're well enough to put the kettle on and make a brew you're well enough to do owt Jac: parenting 101 Jac: ✅ Jesse: 🥇🏆 Jac: not serving it to him in a 🏆 Jac: laying it on a bit thick, I reckon Jesse: 🤏 Jac: Well, we're good then? Jac: not to 🕔 or anything Jesse: yeah Jac: yeah yeah or yeah, I guess Jesse: we're good Jac: Good Jac: if I'm not on my repentance tour, might see you when you get home then Jesse: might do Jac: yes very 😎 Jesse: 🤠

[mingtinys]

ateez catching feelings for their friends with benefits

pairing : ateez (separately) x gen!reader

fluff , angst if you squint really hard , fwb!au , friends to lovers

warnings : suggestive content , language

word count : 3.6k

requested ? yes

a/n : sorry this took so long ! i kept running into major writer's block and just wasn’t happy with how it was going so i had to restart quite a bit , thank you for being so patient and requesting !!

Kim Hongjoong

Hongjoong has always been rather protective over those close to him. And at times that protectiveness snowballs into petty jealousy. Though he's usually pretty good about keeping his emotions in check.

He cares deeply for people. It's just, unfortunately, that trait often comes back to bite him in the ass

So yeah, maybe he should have known a little better than to get himself involved in a non-exclusive, friends with benefits situation.

But neither of you was having much luck on the dating scene, and nights were starting to get a bit lonely. So who better to look to for company than your close friend!

Really, it was harmless!

The two of you agreed that should the other ever find someone else worthy of their time, there would be no hard feelings. It wasn't like either of you expected this to last forever.

However, after months of falling into the same routine, Hongjoong got a little too comfortable.

Then one day, when he shows up at your apartment unannounced (like he's done many times before), you're all dressed up. Hongjoong thinks he's caught you at just the right time; until you hit him with the "It's not for you Joong, I actually have a date tonight!"

You're all jittery and excited.

And all Hongjoong can think about is how not to be swallowed up by the flames of hell licking at his feet.

But what's even more frustrating is he can't for the life of him figure out why he's so upset. Because he's supposed to be your friend, supposed to want what's best for you, supposed to be 100% supportive and happy for you.

He's too stubborn to admit that he wants to be what's best for you. He wants to be the reason you’re happy. And he wants to be the one you're all dressed up for. But don't worry, give him a few hours and it'll dawn

.He knows he'd be an asshole to stop you. So he puts on a brave face and wishes you the best of luck on your date. Buuutttt is still praying on the downfall of whoever, undeservingly if he might add, scored a date with you.

Fortunately for him, some deity must have been listening. Because next thing he knows you're calling him from the restaurant bathroom pleading for him to pick you up as the person turned out to be a total jerk.

And he knows it's probably a little too soon, but the whole situation shocked him into realizing his feelings. He's scared if he hesitates now he'll lose his chance with you for good.

Is he scared of being rejected? Absolutely. Are his hands a little bit sweaty? Without a doubt. But he’s too determined for any of that to stop him.

So with a promise to show you what a "proper" date looks like, he'd likely ask you out on the car ride home.

Park Seonghwa

He has always been very in tune with his emotions, not to mention excellent at pinpointing where they stem from.

Articulating them to others, however, does not come so easily.

It's not because he can't find the words to explain them. It's because he can't find the perfect words to explain or properly convey how he's feeling.

Perfectionism is his inevitable downfall.

So when it comes to his growing feelings for you, he struggles to find a way to eloquently explain the whirlwind of emotions brewing in his heart.

How is he supposed to put into words his guilt of breaking the no strings attached rule? His absolute adoration for everything you do? His understanding if you don't feel the same? Or his hope to still be friends regardless? 

After thinking long and hard, he takes the mature route and asks that the two of you take a break. Go back to just being friends, no sex involved.

He tells you it's because his life has gotten complicated, which isn't completely false. But it's really so he can sort out his feelings without his heartstrings being tugged at nearly every night.

However, it doesn't take long for him to start missing your company.

Not just at night, but in general. He misses your overall presence in his life.

He misses waking up with you still sleeping beside him in the morning. Misses brewing coffee for two. Misses the way you smile and thank him for the kind gesture. Misses how each time you promise you’ll wake up early next time to return the favor. Both of you know good and well that won't happen, but the thought was always nice.

He misses you, and this time he doesn't care to find the perfect words. He simply needs you to know how much he loves you.

Ends up sending one of those "can we talk?" texts that send you into cardiac arrest because no other context was provided.

When you get there he explains everything.

From his overwhelming feelings for you to why he asked to cut things off for a while. And of course the classic "if you don't feel the same it's okay."

But he really doesn't have to worry about that last part.

Kang Yeosang

Yeosang has always been a very honest and straightforward person.

He never shies away from scolding someone when they take a joke too far, nor does he hold back on stating when he doesn't like something. Especially with his friends.

So confessing his feelings shouldn't be much different.

But it is.

It's different and it's terrifying. The thought of being so emotionally vulnerable and open is something he struggles with.

Yeosang knows he needs to tell you and he knows he can't keep his secret bottled up forever.

He also knows that regardless of how you respond, he'll be all right in the end. If it's rejection he faces, it may take a while to get back to normal. But Yeosang loves and respects you well enough to go right back to just being friends. If it just so happens you share his feelings, he's willing to see where a relationship may take the two of you.

However, given all of this certainty, Yeosang is still clammy at the thought. Because no matter how well he may handle rejection outwardly, the possibility of being shut down sounds soul-crushing.

This whole ordeal is how the usually quiet and introverted boy, ends up spending countless hours in Wooyoung's room. Rambling on and on about what to do and how to tell you. As well as spilling his fears about making you uncomfortable around him.

And Wooyoung lets him rant uninterrupted. Because Yeosang isn't actually looking for advice or answers. Deep down he knows what to do and how he'll go about it. But speaking his grievances out loud allows him to sort through his feelings and expel his nervous energy.

Mind you the cycle of stressing out to working up his confidence only takes all of maybe three days.

So when he's finally ready, he'll wait until the next time the two of you are together. He's not a fan of those "we need to talk" texts. He is, however, a "there's something I've been meaning to tell you" type of guy.

He'll kick Jongho and Wooyoung out of the room so the two of you can have some privacy. He doesn't want you to feel pressured to commit to a relationship just because his friends are in the room.

He's well-spoken in his confession and makes sure you know there's no obligation to share his feelings.

Jeong Yunho

This guy is annoyingly smooth with how he handles catching feelings.

He can feel himself falling for you more day after day, and fully embraces it.

It's not like he isn't scared of altering your current relationship, he is. But he loves the way you make him feel and doesn't mind waiting until the time is right to ask for something more exclusive.

So he starts testing the waters.

Gradually doing more boyfriend–esque things like: taking you to dinner, PDA, lending you clothes, keeping a few extra toiletries for you at his place, spending the night together, and making coffee for you the next morning. Anything you could think of when you hear the word "boyfriend" he's tried it.

And yeah, some ideas flopped. Like when he tried to have a nice romantic movie night that didn't end in sex. Or when you caught him staring a little too lovingly one night after he thought you'd fallen asleep.

But some really worked! For example, Yunho can't remember the last time you wore your own clothing. always sporting one of his sweaters or hoodies.

We'll skip over the part where he had to take a solid 2 minutes to gather himself after seeing you dressed in only one of his oversized white button-ups. Nothing else.

It's gotten to the point where the other members tease the two of you about it and strangers mistake you for a couple out in public.

It takes about 2 years off of Yunho's life every time you remind someone "oh no, we're just good friends!"

But overall, he's extremely patient.

After a month or so is when you finally start picking up on his suspicious behavior.

And while yes, the original agreement was just casual with no string attached, you have to admit, it feels nice to play couple. In fact, neither of you has even considered the option of seeing anyone else. Being together felt natural, easy, and most of all safe.

The tension constantly hangs in the air. Until one night, as you and Yunho are laying facing one another just talking about nothing and everything, it becomes so heavy that confrontation seems to be the only solution.

"Yunho, are we dating?" the question caught him off guard, and after thinking for a few moments, he's not sure either. It sure has felt like you're dating. "I don't know, are we?"

"That's why I'm asking you. Because you keep doing all these things that a boyfriend would do and it kind of feels like we're dating."

"Well, then I guess we are. Is that a problem?"

It was most certainly not a problem. But have fun listening to Wooyoung and Mingi's "I told you so" speeches.

Choi San

San is, unfortunately, someone with a guarded heart that loves too deeply. But once he feels safe with someone, he falls as fast as he does hard.

For him, falling in love is like trying to safely play Russian roulette. Hoping the next time gives all of his heart to someone it won't completely ruin him

So yeah, you could say he's in a bit of a conundrum when he notices his feelings towards you have shifted from just friendly/sensual to romantic.

On one hand, he feels guilty. Because he knows how firm you were about this being a "no strings attached" situation. He doesn't want to scare you off or ruin what you have now with complicated emotions.

And on the other, he wants nothing more than to call you his and his only. Take you out on cute coffee shop dates and picnics in the park. He's spent hours daydreaming about what it would be like to walk down the street holding your hand and stealing little kisses that would make little old ladies would "ooo" and "ahh" at the two of you.

But then reality sets in like a punch to the gut every time he wakes up and you've already left his bed.

Falling in love with you felt so natural he forgot he wasn't supposed to.

He knows he's gotta tell you. Because living with this secret is starting to weigh heavily on him. He's constantly in his own head, overthinking and conjuring up every way it could possibly go wrong.

Even with seven members to run to for advice, he still hasn't found an easy way out of this situation.

Unfortunately for san, you were his friend long before you were his lover. You know him like the back of your hand. So you pick up fairly quickly that something is wrong.

You let it go for a couple of days hoping he would come to you first. He never does, of course.

Finally, one night you just ask him.

He's so caught off guard by the question that all he can give is a very unconvincing "nothing, why?"

Which obviously you don't accept. So after a very long "You're still my best friend, you can tell me anything" speech, he realizes he can't keep running away from his feelings.

There are a few moments of silence after he admits he's fallen in love that has his nerves on the edge. Each second he waits for your reply feels like an hour.

But then you ask how he would feel about trying to be exclusive and seeing where things go. You suggest a date or perhaps putting a label on your relationship.

He says yes a little too fast.

"Does this mean you'll still be here when I wake up?"

“If that's okay with you, then yes."

Song Mingi

You will more than likely have to be the first to break the ice on the overwhelming tension that is "we both have feelings that we're too scared to admit because what if it messes everything up?"

Mingi is all too aware of his exponentially growing feelings for you, and all too unaware that you’re harboring the same feelings for him.

And no matter how many times Yunho gives him solid advice on what to say and do, he's still stuck in his head.

Mingi is absolutely terrified of messing up what the two of you have and potentially ruining a year-long friendship. His pride wouldn't be able to take the hit if you rejected him. Nor could he imagine a world in which you're no longer part of his life.

So he keeps his secret to himself. Trying anything and everything he can to calm his crush.

There's a moment where he thinks maybe he can lay off a bit. Keep the hookups to a minimum, stop having you to stay the night, and put a little more distance between the two of you.

Regrettably, he has zero impulse control and that idea gets washed down the drain after about two days.

His new working plan is to just "fake it till you make it." Which in hindsight wasn't as easy as he thought.

It's just one awful cycle of him trying to convince himself everything is fine, and nearly suffering a cardiac event every time you fall asleep on his chest.

It gets overwhelming fast, but he's still unable to push his anxiety far enough down in order to confess. Every time he tries his mouth dries up and the words stop short in his throat.

He likes to think he's gained a significant amount of confidence over the years. But you really have a way of melting him down to putty and rendering him speechless. At this point, he's basically convinced himself things would stay the way they are forever.

Seonghwa calls him melodramatic

Until one night you hit him with the "can we talk about something?"

His heart is nearly pounding out of his chest at your question, only for it to completely stop when you follow up with "I was thinking, and could you ever see us being more? like going on dates, being a couple, or even just exclusive."

He freezes. Mingi genuinely thought you were about to cut things off with him. But now he has to rewire his brain so he can process the fact that you like him back !?

After about 10 seconds of uncomfortable silence, you're rushing to tell him that "It's totally okay if you say no!! I'm fine with keeping things how they are if that's what you're comfortable with."

And now he's rushing to explain he's not rejecting you and that he's actually liked you for a while.

It's kind of cute honestly.

Just two oblivious idiots successfully carrying out the friends to lovers trope.

Jung Wooyoung

It takes a while for things to click in his brain that he's caught feelings for you.

Not because he's oblivious or anything, but the progression of your relationship is so gradual he barely paid any attention to the warning signs.

To Wooyoung, there is absolutely nothing alarming about asking you to stay the night instead of driving home. For safety reasons. Nothing out of the ordinary about feeling warm and content in your presence. You're his friend, of course it makes sense he'd want you around more. And the constant jittery feeling in his stomach? Well, lust and hormones will do that to a guy.

But detail after detail started adding up, and finding excuses became harder and harder.

You noticed him becoming slightly clingier, and you really didn't mind.

But then Wooyoung realizes he's been more clingy than usual and kind of, sort of, maybe panics just a little bit.

And now he's hyperaware of all the times he should have noticed. Reflecting on every instance that screamed "you're in love dumb-dumb" right in his face.

He's sorting through every worst-case scenario of rejection, ruining your friendship, getting his heart broken, and basically anything that could go wrong.

His first instinct is to keep quiet and run. End what the two of you currently have and go back to just being casual friends, no sex or feelings involved. Or maybe even find something to take his mind off of you, anything to protect himself.

He's completely set on taking his feelings to the grave until Yeosang calls him an idiot and wedges some calm and collected solutions into his master plan.

He finally gains a moment to think. As he weighs his options, it dawns on him how much happier he's been over the past few months. Throwing all of that away seems stupid and childish.

So the next time you come over he's waiting with fidgety hands, a sweaty hairline, and a messy bouquet he picked from the bush outside.

He had a whole speech planned in his head. And hey, it was very romantic !! He even had a great selling point in which he was willing to offer up any hoodie or jacket of his you desired.

But that quickly fails and instead you get a very endearing, yet rushed and nearly shouted: "Ireallylikeyou, like ... likelikeyou– and I wanna know if maybe you would consider ... beingmysignificantother?"

It was embarrassing, admittedly. but he looks back on that moment with fondness whenever he remembers the smile you wore as you nodded.

Choi Jongho

It is next to impossible to tell when "no strings attached" became "I wanna spend the rest of my life with them" with Jongho.

And he's determined to keep it that way until he figures out what to do.

Because as talented and experienced as he may be in bed, Jongho doesn't have much expertise in the "serious dating" department. Because no, his middle school relationship did not count.

So when he realizes he's caught feelings for you, it's a little intimidating. Nonetheless, he stays calm and collected. well, relatively.

Jongho is cautious with his love and to whom he gives his heart.

It's not like the guy has a thousand brick walls around his heart. He's just rather private and reserved when it comes to relationships. You really have to earn his trust. And after years of friendship, and the last 2 months of that casually hooking up, you've long since earned his trust.

But an actual relationship is a whole other layer of intimacy. That's why being friends with benefits worked so well. Jongho had a great connection with you but never had to navigate the intricacy of having you as a significant other.

Until his dumb heart had to go and develop a crush.

Still, he aims to sort out his feelings and gauge your own before making any moves.

Unfortunately, the universe had other plans and sent them in the form of Jung Wooyoung.

Jongho had called you over, bored, at nearly 1 am. And in return for heading over so late, you negotiated food. Which Jongho had no problem to oblige, after all, he had worked up an appetite as well.

You're perched on the counter next to the stove, Jongho standing between your legs. The two of you giggling like absolute idiots over some stupid joke while you wait for the ramen to boil.

It's all fine and fun until Wooyoung smells the food and wonders into the kitchen in hopes of finessing a bite or two. But the second he walks in and sees the two of you like that, the thought leaves his mind. He just snickers and blurts out "You guys look like a couple."

Oh boy, if looks could kill...

Deep down Jongho knows Wooyoung never had any malicious intentions with his comment. But that doesn't mean he wanted to wring his neck out any less.

Jongho's deadly glare mixed with the rising tension in the room only gives Wooyoung the exact information he needed to confirm his comment was at least half right.

"Wait! Are you two dating?"

You're both sputtering out excuses and denying everything. Which only connects the final dot for Wooyoung. And in true unfiltered, Wooyoung fashion, he speaks the first thing that comes to his mind.

"Ohhh, I get it. You two want to date but haven’t admitted it yet."

After a silent death threat or two from Jongho he leaves. And so begins Jongho's frustrated apologizing for his friend interrupting. Poor boy is grasping at any and every excuse as why Wooyoung would say something like that.

But you on the other hand are kind of thankful Wooyoung finally broke the awkward waiting game.

"Oh, so Wooyoung was wrong? You don't want to be more?"

"Well, I didn't say that."

[hsj-scenarios]

Angsty "You're not the person I thought you were" + "Please don't leave me" + "You're the love of my life" For Ryosuke please!

I combined the above prompt with this one:

I would like to request from the muse reaction “just one last kiss and I’ll never bother you again” for Yamada please~

I’m sorry for taking two of the saddest requests and creating this…

Title: This Goodbye KissPairing/Relationship: Yamada Ryosuke x ReaderRating: PGWarnings: gut wrenching sadness and a bit of languageGenre: angst. angst. angst. There is no happiness to be found here.Type: oneshot

Song that inspired the fic: 

3 Doors Down - Here Without You (Lyrics)

The whirlwind of his career had taken Ryosuke across theworld again, and he was so thrilled, this was, after all, what he’d beenworking for so hard, for so long—finally, he was being rewarded with betterjobs, bigger movies, and more worldwide promotions. It was all he’d reallydreamed of and of course, daily, he happily felt the positive glow of hissituation—but right now, tonight, as he sat alone in a hotel room 4000 milesaway from everyone—he couldn’t help but feel the tug of homesickness.

Desperately missing home, and more specifically—you.

He plopped down on the couch, turning on the tv to break theempty silence as he lay his head back on the edge, his arms stretched outbeside him, his mind going over the events of the day, and the plan for thenext day, the constant whirring in his mind a nice distraction from the ache inhis heart.

He startled when his phone indicated he had a text…hereached over, tapping the code and then opening his messages to find one fromyou.

I need to talk to you.

Weird…you were usually more…something…the message was shortand curt and he didn’t like it. Someone must have done something to you, so hequickly tapped back a response.

I’m free now, you cancall? I’ll kill whoever hurt you.

He stared at the screen, smiling when your picture lit itup, pushing the button to answer it quickly, “Hello, my love!”

Your voice was quiet, too soft, and you knew he was going toknow immediately that something was wrong, but couldn’t change it as the wordsleft your mouth, “Hi, Ryosuke.”

He sat up, leaning forward with his hand on his forehead ashe closed his eyes, “Baby, what happened, what’s wrong?”

You wanted to do this right, wanted to have eloquent wordsand to say things a certain way but it evaded you, and all you wanted flew outthe window at the sound of his worry and concern, a tear sliding down yourcheek as you spoke, the words rushed, and frantic, “Ryosuke, I just—I know this is bad, I know this is a badthing to do right now—but I really just…I need you to know, listen, I reallylove you, okay?”

“W-wh…wha….I love you too?”

“I know…I know you do, I do know that, I do, but…the thingis….”

UGH. This was so much easier in your mind, when you werejust playing it off a voice that said all the right things and sounded happy,versus the one on the other end of the line, sounding confused and hurt.

“Baby, you’re scaring me,” he whispered, his words threadedwith worry and fear.

“I’m scared,” you responded, truthfully, because you wereterrified, there was no reason to hide it, “I don’t…Ryosuke, I have been givena job, overseas.”

“What!? That’s awesome! Why are you so upset then? This iswhat you wanted!”

“No, listen to me, Ryo, it’s a job, a permanent one,overseas…it’s not the temp  one Iapplied for.”

“Wh—what? Permanent?”

“Yes,” you shook your head, frowning as another tear fell,“I’m sorry.”

“But…it’s okay, I mean, you’ll get vacation and you can comehome and I can come to visit you and I mean we’ll make it work and it wi—“

“Ryosuke,” you said his name firmly, stopping him, becauseyou couldn’t let him go on with that thought, couldn’t let him believe it wasokay, “that won’t work, that doesn’t work for normal people, but it would neverwork for us, we’re apart all the time already, and you only travel a few timesa year…”

“But…we can figure out a way to d—“

“No.”

“N-no?”

“No,” you whispered, and it felt to you like the entireuniverse had tethered a line to your heart and was trying to rip it directlyfrom your chest, “No, Ryo-chan, we…I don’t think we can figure it out. I’ve thought about it for the last four days,and I just…I don’t think it would be fair to either of us…to try to do this—toput each other through this when the inevitable end would be the same.”

“Wh—baby, what are you saying?”

“I think we need to break up, Ryosuke,” the words felt bitteras you said them, your heart clenching in your chest as this was the last thingyou wanted to do, but you knew, no matter how much you wished it to be otherwise,there just was no way—this would never work—at least not for the future you hadplanned.

“No,” he hissed, standing up, beginning to pace across thefloor, “We’re not doing that! What is wrongwith you? We’re not breaking up just because you got a new job!”

“I didn’t just get ‘ajob’, Ryo—I got ‘the’ job, theone I wanted, the one I’ve been working for all along, I can’t not go!”

“I’m not asking you to not go!” he screamed into the phoneand you flinched, you could hear him taking a ragged breath before he spokeagain, calmly, “I wouldn’t stop you from going, I want you to have yourdreams—I just…baby, why does thatmean we can’t be together.”

“I…our relationship is already so hard, it’s a challenge allthe time, not being able to go out, not being able to be honest with my friendsand family, not being able to see you and be like a normal couple…I know, Iknew all of this, I did, and I wanted it to work, I’ve tried, please, I’vetried so hard…”

“So, it’s hard,” he whispered, falling onto the couch,laying on his side, curled up, “and you want to quit.”

It was quiet for a long time, the soft words he’d spokenfeeling like an attack straight to your soul, you took a breath, your voiceshaking when you spoke, “I don’t want to quit, that’s no—“

“You are though!” he shouted, and you knew he was crying,and you stood up, leaning your head against the cold surface of the wall, ashis distraught words reached across the miles to rip at your flesh, “You’regiving up, on me, on us, and the only reason you’re telling me is because it’sHARD.”

“It is hard!” you screamed back at him, temper flaring atthe way you’d lived your life since you’d started seeing each other, “It’s thehardest thing I’ve ever experienced! Pretending to not know you, acting like Idon’t care, watching other people be close to you in a way I can’t possibly be!Living a lie with everyone except our very closest family members?! Not beingable to be real and show my love for you to the world!? It’s the hardest thingand I hate it!”

“You hate it,” he murmured, gasping as another sob rockedhis body, “But…you love me.”

“I do love you,” your voice was watery and slow as the wordsleft your mouth.

“But…that’s—it’s not enough?” he asked, his voice flat andbroken.

“No, I’m sorry,” you bit your lip, knowing the words werekilling him, knowing his expression, and hating yourself for not being able tomake this work, “It’s not enough, Ryosuke.”

“You’re not the person I thought you were,” he hissed, andyou felt your anger spike.

“What the hell does that mean!?”

“I thought you were stronger than this, braver, I thoughtyou were the kind of person who looks adversity in the eye and kicks its ass,but you’re not, are you? Not at all!?”

You threw the vase from your dresser across the room, theglass shattering against the wall, splintering into a million pieces just likeyour heart, “That’s not fair!”

“No, no, you’re wrong, that’s fair and right, what’s notfair is that you didn’t even bother to talk to me about this! You didn’t evengive me a choice, you just decided all on your own that because you couldn’thandle it, then neither of us could be happy! I would have done anything, wouldhave moved the world, but you didn’t even care, didn’t even let me try!”

“You’re just a human being!” your voice was trill and youhated it, your defenses high as you continued, “You can’t fix all of this, youcan’t do anything, your life is not in your own control.”

“That has changed, you’ve watched it change, and more andmore I’ve been given more freedom, and more control—you knew this was likethis, that’s how it was when we met, and you knew it was part of it! It’sbetter now, and it would only get betterin time!”

You remained silent, words failing you completely.

“It was only getting better,” by the end, his voice wassmall, so tiny, and you could hear him sobbing, you could hear him strugglingto take breath as his body was infused with pain, the words like daggers toyour heart, “Please, please, don’t do this!”

You heard it, the breaking, the crack that began and wasslowly spreading through the distance between you two, his voice a whimper,“Please, I’m—I—I’m begging you….”

He was not even trying to be brave anymore, his sobs werecrystal clear and his heart was laid bare before you, “Please don’t leave me! You’re the love of my life! I loveyou! Please don’t do this!“

You dropped to thefloor, your face on the carpet as you cried, trying to speak but the words notcoming as he continued to beg you, “I’ll do anything, please, I will, I willquit Johnny’s! I have enough money, I have all I need, I can do movies, and Ican schedule them so that we can be together almost all the time, I swear I cando that! I will do that!”

You found your voicethen, at the thought he would quit his job, laughing bitterly, “Ryosuke, do youwant me to turn down the job I’ve been given?”

He took a shudderingbreath, “I—I—no, of course, no I don’t want you to do that—I never would wantyou to do that.”

“Then what makes youthink—for even a second—that I would be made happy by asking you to give upyour dreams?”

The silence stretchedout, and you knew he was going over everything—you knew how his mind worked,the way he would approach every issue like a puzzle, trying to discover how todecode it and make it make sense, except this wasn’t like that, not at all.There was no making sense of some things. Sometimes things were just the waythey were and all you could do is accept them for what they are.

“Is there no way then?” he whispered, his voice infused withdeep pain that struck to the very core of you.

“I’m sorry,” you tried to breath, tried to take a breath,but it felt like a million pounds were pressing down on you, “I’m so sorry.”

“When do you leave?” he asked, his voice still shaking fromemotion.

“Next week, on the thirteenth,” you murmured, not even sureif he would be home by then.

“I love you,” he breathed softly, his voice a shallow reflection of the man you knew, the one full of life, and joy, and hope.

“I love you, too,” you answered, sincerity painting your words, “I’m so sorry.”

The line went silent and you cried, for hours, days, youlost track of time and things kept moving around you and then you were standingat the airport, having left everyone at the safety check, all happy for you andexcited about your adventure, and you were excited too, because this wasit…you’d worked so hard for this. You were proud, and happy, and thankful andexcited…but you were also…torn.

The bittersweet tug in your heart that wanted to make you gorunning back, run back to him was there, and you had fought it nonstop—refusinghis calls, deleting his texts, you needed a fresh start, needed to move on andmore than anything, you didn’t want to give him any false hopes.

You’d checked all your baggage apart from your small carryonbag and were approaching your gate when you heard it.

Your name.

His voice.

You froze, and began to tremble when you felt him behindyou, his hands grazing like a whisper across your back as he shifted to standin front of you, his voice soft as he took your hand, pulling it up for agentle kiss, his face beautiful as he smiled, “I bought a ticket to be standing here right now, I couldn’t—Icouldn’t let you go like that, not like this.”

You shook your head, trying to clear your mind, wordsfailing you because in all your wildest imaginings this couldn’t, wouldn’t haveever happened, your eyes darting to the crowded airport around you, and himstanding there holding your hand like it was nothing, “Ryosuke.”

“Just…listen okay?” he pleaded, his eyes full of sincerity,staring into yours, “I love you, and I don’t care who knows it,” he gestured around you, shrugging, then looking back at you when he spoke again, “I realized that no matterwhere you go, or what time separates us I figure I am always going to love you.I need you to know this, please, understand me, I love you enough to let yougo.”

Your eyes were wide as you stared at him, his hand raisingto stroke your cheek softly, eyes full of tenderness and love, “I just…I needed you to have a happy memory, I’msorry I hurt you when we talked, I want you to have…I want to give you a happymemory of leaving.”

You laughed, a bubbly sad laugh, as tears threatened tospill down your cheeks, “That’s not possible.”

His own eyes were red and rimmed with tears as he whispered,stepping forward, his hip shifting in the way that it always did when heintended to take command of a situation, “Ju—just one last kiss, and I’ll neverbother you again.”

Before you could speak, he was there, his warm scent, hissoft skin, his tender lips pressed into your own, the familiar tension, the wayhe grazed them softly over yours, fluttering like whispered words before theybegan to move with a greater depth. His mouth was insistent, trying to conveyall the emotions he needed to share with you, and your hands moved up to grabhis hair pulling him further toward you, gulping down the whimpering sob thatwas trying to work its way up from the inner most secret parts of you, the partthat hated yourself, the part that thought you were insane for doing this, thepart that would always love him.

You forgot everything, in that moment, you forgot the job,you forgot why you were doing what you were doing, you forgot that you were standingin the middle of a busy airport, and you instead gave yourself over to themagic of this kiss.

This goodbye kiss.

Laced with the bittersweet emotions of love combined withmourning, of joy mixed with loss, of the turning pages of a calendar of all thedays that could have been.

The soft laughter and tears as he proposed, a familyheirloom placed on your finger.

The smell of flowers and sugar on your wedding day, wearingwhite and the joy of all your family as you walked down the aisle to yourbeloved.

The sound of a tender newborn cry, the way his face wouldlight up as he met his son for the first time, the way he would look at you, anew, beautiful expression born in the way he saw you, now not just hissoulmate, but the mother of his child.

The pride you’d see in him as you watched your childrengrow, the simple times of simple pleasures, the complexities of emotions as yougrew older, and then the beautiful light around you as you sat on a porchtogether somewhere, old and gray watching your baby’s babies play at your feet,looking at each other with a twinkle in your eyes, remembering what could havehappened—remembering a day at an airport where you decided neither of your jobswere more important than each other.

And in that single kiss, the beautiful prose on those manypages were painfully ripped away, and what could have been became the fantasyof something that once was, rather became nothing more than a long past destinythat would never be written, not for your life at least, yet you prayed in yourheart of hearts it would be yet composed for Ryosuke.

And you didn’t know you were crying, didn’t know he wascrying, but you were, your tears mingling together, both weeping as you triedto say goodbye, reluctant to let go, and you were hugging each other, clingingto one another in these final moments, bodies shaking, and he was squeezing youso tight, holding you like his life was going to end if he let go.

“I—I was…I was wrong,” he managed to speak through his sobs,his voice a whimper, broken and wet with tears, “You—you’re braver than me.Stronger than me.”

You laughed through the sorrow, shaking your head, eyesclenched shut, trying to will away the call over the intercom for your flight,“I’m not.”

“You are,” he whispered, his head pressing into yours, handssqueezing impossibly harder, as he inhaled deeply, “you have to let go, Ican’t…I can’t do it, you have to do it, please.”

“Okay,” you whispered, turning your head to kiss him softlyon the side of his face, feeling his hands shaking where they were touchingyour back. You didn’t know where the strength came from, maybe it was becausehe’d told you that you were capable, told you that you were brave, but youfound yourself able to open your eyes, despite the screaming in your head.

You straightened up, and as quickly as you could, you moved,ducking down out of the embrace of his arms, and without another word, youforced your feet to move, because this, this was the kindness you could give him in return for the memory that wouldundoubtedly haunt him for the rest of his life, the one he was determined togive you, no matter the personal cost for himself.

You could give him thisgoodbye that was quick and clean, and you didn’t turn around, despite feelingthe way his eyes were boring into you from behind you, no, you didn’t turnaround, because if you did….

You would never beable to leave.

[duanecbrooks]

Completing The Trioka     All right, dear reader, we've come to the point wherein you're going to be informed as to what is My All-Time Third-Favorite Media. And what has that distinction is...TV Guide's (yes, that TV Guide) 2000 article on my gal Robin Givens.               The article--entitled, in a marvelous slice of irony, "Gloves Off"--kicks off in top form, with the writer asserting: "As the Alanis Morissette song goes, isn't it ironic [This article and the issue of TV Guide that enveloped it, don't forget, came out in 2000]? The host of a syndicated talk show all about forgiveness [Forgive and Forget] is a woman who not long ago much of America loved to loathe: Robin Givens." Said writer goes on to offer greatly perceptive descriptions of where Robin was concerning that time in her life and career ("Givens is, at 35 [this was 2000, remember?], an exotic beauty...has had a successful career as an actress in such well-received films as Boomerang and A Rage in Harlem...as well as the television series Head of the Class and Sparks...is the mother of two adorable boys, an adopted son, Buddy, 6, and William, 7 months"). From there Robin quite movingly goes into her "complicated" (Robin's word) time with Tyson ("He was an angry little boy who had all this power. He kept telling me that things would be better if I only did what he wanted me to do. It was all about control...[referencing Tyson's slugging her before their 1968 wedding day] [H]e apologized, he sent flowers, he cried. It sounds sick and I guess it was, but I thought, 'This really must be love'").                 And the article proceeds to be alternately chilling and warming. In response to the writer's question: "Why did this smart Sarah Lawrence grad marry this violent street kid?", Robin touchingly replies that she fell in love with him "because he was there for me. When he'd say he'd be somewhere, he was...There was nothing stupid about Michael; he could size up and manipulate any situation. He had the savvy. I didn't." My girl keeps on impacting the heart as she tells of her continuing to see Tyson even while she was divorcing him: "We'd sit in my house watching him talk about me on television...I had such a love for him that it was painful to give up the fight. And we had such good times. He just got me, in my sweats and with Oxy 10 on my face." And Robin makes the blood boil when she tells of what was, for her, the proverbial straw that broke the proverbial camel's back: "I always believed he was ashamed of what he had done [Tyson slammed her against the wall before fighting Michael Spinks in 1968]; that he was sorry when he cried in my lap. [But actually] his tears were a lie."         The piece stays eminently readable when it moves into Robin's life post-Tyson. Robin is eloquent and stirring as she discusses her time as a Brad Pitt Girl ("He was a beautiful distraction, comforting and sweet. He'd hold me and I'd cry...[Pitt] was not at the place, rightly so, to handle what was [still] going on [between her and Tyson]. It was just impossible for anybody to handle it or for me to ask him to"). Following are the revelations that 1) William's biological Dad is the tennis player Murphy Jensen, with whom Robin became romantic; 2) she and Jensen are still close; and 3) he has nothing but praise for William's Mom ("Robin is one of the most caring, intelligent, devoted and complete people I've ever met. She's the best mother in the world. I admire her tremendously"). There's even some very tantalizing intrigue, as our writer gets into whether or not my woman played a role in having this one (black) actor fired from a video she was set to do because the aforementioned actor portrayed Tyson in a Home Box Office film that very aggressively smeared her.             And, happily, there's more. The Robin TV Guide piece stays engrossing as it takes up Robin's post-Tyson career ("I lost all confidence. I was just so embarrassed and guilty about what I had put my family through...I realized that my work is my world, and if I'd given that up then Michael would have won"). We also discover that the veteran casting director/picture producer Reuben Cannon is so taken with our mega-luscious subject that he wants to...make a made-for-TV filmic biography about her ("What we rarely see in Hollywood are portraits of ambition with African-American talent. There's an opportunity here to show someone who had a dream and had some bumps along the way. And recovered"). We get very uplifting words as to how Robin's career was doing (a made-for-television flick featuring Robin as a murderer who is dispatched to Cuba to conduct a rescue operation was scheduled to be presented that April on the USA Network) and equally uplifting words from her regarding her then-talk show, Forgive and Forget ("I totally believe in the power of talk. I know it's entertainment, but I want to remind people that they have  purpose for being on earth. I'm so grateful to God that's how I feel now").         As the piece winds down, it keeps on being illuminating, as there are highly perceptive words concerning Robin from one of Forgive's executives ("[S]he's taken to the [talk-show] format like a duck to water. It's good for people to see her out there again. She's got a lot of talent"). And the Robin article concludes on an intensely high note, as it has her (very believably) contending: "Forgiveness is a process. Mike Tyson has so little to do with it now. The biggest person I have to forgive is myself ."                 And there you have TV Guide's 2000 article on my lady Robin Givens, in all a quite searching and quite revealing look at a chick whom I for one have long loved (albeit, to quote words from the classic number, "The Impossible Dream," "pure and chaste from afar"), a piece that in the main has you easily seeing why Glamour magazine in two consecutive years named Robin its "Sexiest Actress Alive."                         It was a longtime (male) TV journalist who once told Time magazine: "No one with an IQ significantly over 85 reads anything in TV Guide except the listings." It is said publication's 2000 story on my heroine Robin Givens that is one of its scant handful of redemptive factors as far as those of us "with an IQ significantly over 85" are concerned.