#sorry 2 rave sashayed for leaving all of my thinky thoughts not only in the replies but also here in the tags AND the post lmao.

[mangoamango]

In 2013 I lost a close friend at just–a stupid young age. My cat was one of the few things that helped. shortly afterwards he passed away too & all the grief I had from losing my friend & him just poured over me like a wave. And while deep in that fuckin pit, I wrote to sashayed about losing my cat, and she took the time and energy to respond to me in a way that--I don't even know how to describe it. Like a ring of keys. Being seen in a way I didn't know I could be seen.

Today would be my friend's 35th birthday; I'm putting the rest under a cut because I want to talk about her a little, but I don't want to derail Rave's post about her own loss.

CW for death and animal death if that is not already apparently obvious

I think of my beautiful friend so often. How much she would HATE the political landscape now. What hilariously mean things she would say about it. The music she's missed out on. The books. The memes! What her fashion would be like. If she would've published anything professionally (her dream). If we would finally be able to talk about how T E R R I B LE her first original fantasy novel was (she started writing it in like 8th grade, so like who amongst us at 13 would've done any better etc). What she would think about my cat rescuing and if she would take any of the little wayward gremlins I find outside. Her beautiful soft ankles.

Claire was a dear friend of my heart. And then--after her completely abrupt death--the cat of my absolute soul died of a brain tumor at only 4 years old. I don't know if I would've survived her death without my cat, and while I know I would've survived the death of my cat it would've been much more difficult without the kindness Rave showed me. It means a lot now, and it meant a lot then.

Rave, you will never know what a difference your kindness made in my life. i wish there was something i could say or do for you in return besides: i’m so sorry for your loss. thank you. Your friend sounds so much like mine--pretentious and clever and mean. Today I am thinking about them both.

My best friend who died for no reason would have been 40 today. I think when people die it's tempting to make them into saints, which he certainly wasn't, but without exaggerating his qualities he was and is one of my favorite people, and if you met him i think he would've been one of yours. He was my favorite for a lot of reasons I can't imitate or match -- his intelligence, his kindness, his patience, his artistic daring. But he was also my favorite because he was interested in and curious about so many things, particularly other people, and that is something I or anyone can emulate, which is why Sept. 20 is my personal Curious About Someone Else's Area of Interest Day! In honor of my dead friend I would love for you to tell me something you are learning or doing that's taking up space in your brain. Are you learning a new language, did you write six pages of a novel, did you try linocut (!), are you studying gene expression, do you have a new pet lizard, did you visit an arboretum? I would love to hear about it. and so would your friends probably even if you think they wouldn't. before my friend died i loved hearing him talk about dramaturgy and would've loved to listen to him do it for 24 straight hours, even though i always made fun of him for having a pretentious job. i wish i had 10000 more conversations to remember about this thing he loved.