#sorry 2 answer this late i have been completely ignoring my inbox my apologies to all asks now out of date

[northern-passage]

so tnp is downloadable for the time being because i was noticing that for a while, like ever since i took the game down briefly over the summer last year, my analytics have been completely messed up & apparently if you "restrict" your game's access in any way it completely unindexes it on itch.io and removes it from tags and the search. which kinda sucks for people making in browser games but... i said before that tnp was always meant to by undownloadable but it wasn't for a while due to an error on itch's end and i guess when i took it down and then relaunched it that bug corrected itself and also nuked my game from all of the tags.

if you notice an update on itch.io it was just me updating the game page content (and everyone pinky promise if you look at my code to be nice... it's so ugly in there) and i just wanted to point this out since i said not too long ago that it was Not downloadable. but now it is :-)

also i wanted to say i'm sorry for being so bad at answering asks lately, ever since the update in jan and then i took that 2 week break in february i've been super behind on answering asks, i've just been kinda overwhelmed so i apologize to all of the unanswered asks in my inbox & i promise it's not intentional or me ignoring you!

finally a little tnp progress update is that i have not been working on tnp hahaha i've been taking a bit of a break, i was really struggling working through a lot of the part 2 scenes and i've been kinda all over the place and dealing with mental health stuff but i've been working on some other projects but i plan to hopefully come back to tnp next month and i'm also hopeful that the creative break will let me hit the ground running.

also also i did officially unlaunch my patreon today. thank you all again for all of your support over there :-) anyways this is just a little update since it's been like 4 months(?) since the ch2 update and i wanted to let you all know where i'm at/what's going on.

OH one more thing is that i hit a big number of browser plays on tnp recently also and i just want to say THANK YOUUUU it's wild to see such a big number and imagine all of us in a room together. we're all holding hands

[starpeace]

Who's the lady with braids & fancy jewelry/earrings that you drew?? She's gorgeous, I need to know more about her <3

this one? she’s my jedi oc sirilla charn! :D one of my main ocs. she’s an older padawan during the clone wars, thoughtful and anxious and plagued with visions.

she’s from naboo, and she got her headpiece from a merchant on coruscant who claimed it was a genuine naboo antique. she’s so attached to it now that she doesn’t dare to find out if it really is from there, but she wears it a lot and she always fiddles with it when she’s nervous (which is 80% of the time)

[karimjohnson]

Lights Up: I’m Not Ever Going Back (Part 1)

Merry Christmas everyone! I have been so busy here lately. The holidays are always a busy time of the year. I love my family and I wanted to spend some quality time with them. I took a trip to see my friend of 17 years and we haven’t seen each other in person for 6 years. Then my parents had their birthdays. I had to work on top of all of that and work has been super busy. And now it’s Christmas?! Time has been flying and I apologize so much for slowly updating and writing. But lucky for you guys, I have two parts for you! I’m excited to post some more! Thank you for being patient and reading. My inbox is always open for suggestions! I love you guys and I hope you like it! Much love- K

Masterlist

Summary: While on vacation with Harry and his bandmates; there is a huge storm that causes a power outage. You hate storms because you get really bad anxiety. Harry finds you hiding in your room. He tells you that you can stay in his room with him. 

Pairing: Harry x Reader

Rated: PG (Fluff)

Part 2

________________________________________

I was currently on vacation with some of my closest friends. Harry had invited me on a trip with his bandmates to the Caribbean Island for some inspiration for his new album coming up. We were all in this big house with the beach close by. There was a pool and patio out back where they did most of their writing during the early mornings and in the afternoon. I had gone to town a few times to just look around and see the culture. We all had gone to the beach a few times because they didn’t want me to feel left out in anything. I honestly didn’t feel left out at all.

I have heard a little bit of the songs that they had been working on and it all sounded amazing. I just like to be surprised with Harry’s music, hence the reason why I just mind my business while they work. I was currently in the living room watching TV, just trying to relax while everyone was outside working. Out of nowhere, I hear a loud crack of thunder strike and see a huge light flash outside. I jumped looking towards the back glass sliding door to see everyone rushing inside. “What’s going on,” I asked while picking myself up off the couch and rushing over to Mitch and Harry. “There’s a huge storm starting,” Harry said looking down at me. I looked around the group to peek outside.

Sure enough, it was dark and gray outside. The clouds twisted in the sky as it started pouring down rain. I absolutely hated storms. I could never sleep when the thunder boomed. It always made me jump. The lightening was always so blinding and would light up the whole room. I sighed and looked back to Harry, “I’m sorry that the rain cut into your work.” He shrugged as they all sat there instruments down in the kitchen. “It’s okay, we could always work inside. We were about to take a break anyway for some snacks. Do you want to join,” he asked with a sweet dimpled smile. I smiled back to him and nodded, “Sure, I could use a snack.” He chuckled and turned into the big white kitchen.

Everyone got their choice of snacks and sat down talking in their own conversations. I was eating some fruit that Harry and I cut up. I listened to everyone talking trying to drown out the storm that was coming down heavy outside. “Well, should we get back to work,” Ny asked looking to everyone. “Yeah, Y/N did you want to listen,” Harry asking turning to me. I blushed and bit my bottom lip. “I rather be surprised H. You know that. I need a shower anyway. You all go ahead and take over the living room,” I smiled to him and started cleaning up my mess. They all cleaned up after themselves as I headed for the stairs.

I hated declining the offers to listen to the magic they were working so hard on. But this storm was not slowing down anytime soon, and I was getting anxious. There was something about storms that just get my anxiety boiling over. I was not going to make it through a song with all the thunder causing me to jump. I walked into my room I was staying in and got everything ready for a relaxing bath. I started the water and added some bubbles. This will work, right? I started undressing and added a new face mask I brought with me. I had my hair pulled up and my face mask on. I climbed into the warm bath and leaned back closing my eyes.

Everything seemed to be calm for once since the storm started. I could hear some guitars and harmonies coming from downstairs. I smiled to myself and just felt the peace settle in. After a little while, I decided to get out and throw on my pajamas. Plus, I needed to wash my face off. I wrapped the towel around me and walked to the sink. I took a washcloth and ran some water over it. I started washing off the mask. Once that was done, I decided to brush my teeth. As I leaned down to spit, the lights went out. I looked up and around the bathroom. Oh god, please tell me this is a joke. I walked over to the light switch and started flipping it. Nothing. Complete darkness.

I started to slightly freak out to myself. I hate the dark and I hate storms. I cannot stress that enough. I started getting dressed in the dark and walked to my bed trying not to fall. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and climbed underneath the covers. I pulled them over my head as my phone vibrated. It was a text from Harry. ‘Power is out. Not sure when it will be back on yet. Are you okay? -H.’ I sighed and closed my eyes as thunder cracked outside my window. I jumped feeling my heart rate go up. I was not getting any kind of sleep tonight. I sighed and made myself as comfortable as I could. I gently closed my eyes wishing for sleep to take over my anxious mind. Another rumble of thunder filled my empty room and lighting struck, igniting my whole room in a blinding white light.

My breathing started to pick up and I tried my best to control it. I rolled onto my back inhaling a deep breath trying to relax my body. I started to hear a few voices out in the hallway. I guess everyone is trying to find a light source for their music session. Then a small knock filled my now quiet room. I didn’t move right away because I thought I just imagined it. I heard the door creak open and I slowly pulled the blankets down from my head. I looked over into the dark room towards the door to see Harry’s silhouette posted against the doorframe. “Y/N, you okay? I forget how much you hate storms,” his raspy voice filled my ears, and I could feel myself starting to blush from embarrassment. “It’s not your fault. Honestly, I forget about it too,” I whispered as I played with the comforter on my bed.

“Are you going to be able to sleep tonight,” Harry asked as he shuffled towards the bed. I looked up at him and felt my face just fall flat. “Probably not,” I answered him and looked towards the window. The wind had picked up outside causing the tree branches to clash against my window. I cringed at the noise and tried to ignore it as best as I can. I could see Harry watching my expressions to decide on his next move. “Well, we all cleaned up the living room. We decided to call it night on the songwriting,” he sighed as he took a seat on my bed. I looked at him with a small smile. “Were you able to shower and relax some,” Harry asked nodding towards the bathroom. “Yeah, I felt somewhat relaxed. The power decided to shut off as I was brushing my teeth. So, I just got dressed and curled into bed,” I pouted slightly and shrugged up to him.

He chuckled and I could see him playing with his rings. “Well, do you want someone to stay up with,” Harry asked looking to me with dimpled smile. I rolled my eyes and laughed a little. “You don’t have to stay up with H. I appreciate it but you need your sleep,” I say nudging him with my foot a little. “So? I can still have a crazy sleep schedule if I choose to. We can go in my room if you want,” he said playfully nudging me back. “I could help distract you from the storm in some way,” he spoke up and I raised a brow at him. After a few more minutes, Harry finally persuaded me to go to his room with him.

We walked to his room and I walked to his bed. Harry had walked into his bathroom and started doing his nightly routine. I laid back on his bed and looked up to the ceiling. I could still hear the loud storm roaring outside the house. I sighed and sat up looking into the bathroom door. Harry was brushing his teeth indicating that he was about to come back out to the bedroom. I leaned back and just played with his comforter. I felt the bed sink down and I looked up to see a pair of green eyes watching me carefully. “You okay, love,” he asked tilting his head a bit. “Yeah, I was just waiting on you to come back out here. What are we going to do with no power,” I asked and bit down on my bottom lip. We weren’t able to turn on a movie or anything. “Well, we could talk until we fall asleep,” he shrugged as I looked up at him. There was something about the way the moonlight hit his face in the darkness. I slowly felt myself falling into some kind of trance watching him.

“I guess we could,” I whispered looking down at my hands. I felt him move around the bed and I looked to him. He was laying down with his arms open for me. I smiled and blushed at his actions. Harry and I have been close friends for a while. It’s not like it was weird to cuddle with your best friend or anything. Everyone does it, right? I crawled up and wrapped my right arm around his toned tattooed covered torso. I tucked my left arm into his side as I placed my head down on his chest. I took in his scent and my mouth began to water. I could feel his breathing. He seemed slightly nervous but mainly happy. His heart was beating a little faster against his chest than normal. I looked up to him as I started to play with his shirt.

“So, are you having a good time here? I know it kind of sucks when we all come together to write. I was worried about bringing you out here because I don’t want you to feel left out,” Harry spoke to me softly. I could feel his fingers twirl my hair around and tickle my scalp. I smiled to myself and thought about how our week has been going. “I don’t feel left out at all. I just like to be surprised to hear your new stuff the day you release it. I think we all have had fun here. You guys have been so great to me. You made sure to do stuff with me before you all have your music sessions at night. I really am having a great and relaxing time here H,” I whispered looking up to meet his gaze. He was watching me with a big grin on his face.

“What,” I asked looking at him as I started to worry that I said something wrong. “Nothing,” he chuckled and poked my cheek. “Harry, seriously what is it,” I asked sitting up to balance myself to look at him better. “It’s not bad,” he smiled tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. “You are just cute,” he winked at me and I felt warmth running to the apples of my cheeks at his compliment. “Harry don’t be so lame,” I scoffed and hit him playfully with a pillow. He started laughing and grabbed his self a pillow. We both moved to sit on our knees while we got more into our pillow fight. Our breathless laughs filled the room. I kept going even though I was losing my breath the harder I went.

    A roaring clash of thunder and lighting struck, my body tensed up and I immediately curled up into a ball squeezing the pillow in my embrace. I shut my eyes tightly trying to make the moment pass. I could feel Harry hovering over my small frame. He wrapped one arm around my waist to pull me closer to him. His other hand gently caressing my cheek. “Shh, it’s okay Y/N,” he whispered to me while running the pad of his thumb along my cheek. I took a deep breath and nuzzled myself into his touch. His presence was helping my nerves feel at ease. “You can open your eyes love, it’s just me,” he spoke softly to me. I slowly let my eyes flutter open and I was met with those green ivy eyes. I let out my breath and sighed as the relief finally hit me.

Harry smiled down at me causing me to smile back up at him. “Feel better,” he asked softly. I couldn’t help but get chills as his breath ran across my face. “A little bit yes,” I nod and realize that he has me semi-pinned to the bed. Harry is beautiful. He wasn’t making me uncomfortable at all. I had just never been this close to him. Sure, anyone who meets Harry is head over heels for him. He was everything. And to think, me crushing on my best friend, how cliché. I took in all his features as the moonlight caught them in all the right ways. I could see Harry watching the expressions and gears turning in my head. He inched his face a tab bit closer to mine. Our lips brushed against each other causing me to gasp at the feeling.

[lonelyorbit134340]

Untitled (02)

Index: (01) (02) (03) (04)

The hot water streams down from the shower head and you welcome the warmth after being in the cold rain. You close your eyes, trying to find a moment of peace but it’s of no use. Your mind is travelling at the speed of light as you recount what occurred earlier tonight.

Min Yoongi kissed me. And I kissed him back. Who knows what else would have happened if the thunderstorm didn’t come.

What? How? And why? Questions swirl around your head. And you have no answers.

You mind casts back to the alleyway, and you linger on the way his lips and his touch made you feel. You’ve been single since you broke up with your ex 6 months ago, and your body craves for attention. All you can picture in your mind is him leaning over and brushing his lips to yours.

But he is Min Yoongi. You work together. Heck, he is your subordinate. It’s not meant to happen at all.

You step out of the shower and put on your fluffy bathrobe. “This is crazy,” you think to yourself. You cannot make sense of anything, which is frustrating because you are trained to think and work things out logically.

You make yourself a hot cocoa and retire to your bedroom. You’re now thinking about tomorrow. What do you say when you see him? What will he do? You try to sleep but you’re imagining all of these scenarios. Maybe he’ll march into your office and shout at you? Maybe he’ll hide from you? You don’t like any of them. 

It takes a long time, but the long work day and the soju in your system finally send you to some restless sleep.

-----

You’re in the office now, sipping your morning coffee. You mindlessly shuffle papers from one side of your desk to the other. Waiting.

One thing is constant at least, he is late again. He steps into the office at 9:20am (no you’re not counting the minutes). Your eyes follow him to his workstation where he sits down and turns on his computer. Within minutes he is in work mode. You take a deep breath and try your best to focus on your inbox.

10am is the daily project team catch up. When you step into the meeting room, Min was there already along with 2 other colleagues. He looks up when he hears someone entering the room and your eyes meet. For half a second, then he looks back at the folder in front of him. His expression is completely neutral and you can’t read it at all. 

He mentions you a few times in the meeting, talking about the clauses that you’re working together on the agreement. If he’s feeling anything different from yesterday you cannot tell, it’s as if last night didn’t happen,

After a moment of reflection, you think to yourself that this is a positive development. He is moving on. You should do the same.

Except you can’t. 

Min Yoongi is all you can think about.

------

In the past, when you see him walk out of the elevator, you’d check at your watch to see how late he was. Now you fight a battle between looking down and admiring his delicate features. He dresses the way he always does - suit and a silk tie, but nowadays you notice the superb tailoring and how it accentuates his body.

Meetings are torture. You of course maintain a professional facade but you can’t help but linger your stare at him. He exudes a quiet confidence in his speech and movement, his eyes sparkle when he talks about the details of the deal. It is impossible to ignore.

You console yourself by saying that it is just a phase, that you’ll get over it soon. Hopefully very soon.

-----

It’s another late night, the Wines agreement will be executed in a few days. You’re working through the final draft when you hear a knock on your door.

“Come in,” you say without looking up.

“There is something I want to check with you.”

You know that voice.

“Errrrrr, sure, please take a seat.”

Min shows you a page of the agreement. “In the list of entities in section H, I thought it’s meant to reference Entity X, but it says Entity Y. Is there a reason for that?”

The reason is because you made a mistake. You pride yourself on your attention to detail, but with the complexity of the transaction you have the two entities mixed up.

“It’s an oversight on my part. I’m so sorry.”

You stop immediately, thinking about the last time you mutter those words. You look up at him and from the way he tenses his jaw, he remembers too.

You are both silent for a moment. Finally he says, “there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

You don’t know which apology he is referring to.

“I’ll update the agreement and send you the latest version,” he says, standing up from the chair.

You watch him walk toward the door. You hear yourself say, “Yoongi.”

He pauses.

“Can we talk?”

-----

You take Yoongi to your favourite bar near the office. It’s an older establishment, its clientele are mainly regulars and you like the jazzy vibe.

You both sit down in a booth. You order your usual - gin and tonic. He orders a whisky.

The extended silence is getting uncomfortable. You realise that you don’t have a speech planned out for this impromptu meeting. The truth is - you don’t know what you want.

“You’re awfully quiet for someone who wants to talk,” he finally says.

“I don’t know where to start.” You tell him the truth.

“OK, let me. Did you enjoy it?” Yoongi is not the type to mince words.

“I think you know the answer,” you say, voice small.

“Then why did you leave?” 

“It’s complicated.”

“It isn’t.” You look up at him. His stare is intense, with a hint of defiance. “You want it, I want it. That’s all that matters.”

“But I’m your boss! What will people think?”

“I don’t care about other people’s opinions.”

“I …” Your mind is no clearer.

He finishes his drink in one gulp.

“Talk to me when you work it out.” He scribbles something on a napkin and passes it to you. Then he gets up and leaves.

On the napkin is his mobile number.

-----

2 days later

[11:45pm] You: It’s Y/N

[11:49pm] Yoongi: Hey

[11:50pm] You: I know it’s late.

[11:50pm] Yoongi: I’m a night owl.

[11:51pm] Yoongi: Yes?

[11:52pm] You: I want to see you.

[11:52pm] Yoongi: When?

[11:53pm] You: Now

[11:53pm] Yoongi: Your address?

[ciaossu-imagines]

I’m not sure if anyone cares but

Have an update full of feelings anyways! As I’m sure most of the (few) people still reading this blog know, one of my last posts involved me becoming rather angry and going off on you guys as a collective audience. Was that wrong of me? A little, yes - I shouldn’t have gone off on everyone when the majority of you weren’t the issue (or not a part of that issue). Am I sorry I did it? No, not really. I’m not sorry I got angry and I won’t apologize for feeling the way I did. While it might have seemed petty and out of the blue to the most of you, but that’s only because you guys don’t see the day to day and all the buildup that got me to that point. And it wasn’t just people sending in asks when they shouldn’t - that was more the tipping point, the last jenga block pulled out that caused it all to topple. I’ll get the important update out of the way first so anyone who doesn’t want to read my blatherings (which I’ll hide under the cut just to make doubly sure that nobody who doesn’t want to hears them) can just stop after that.

I’ll be gone until January, when I’ll come back to write the forty remaining posts in the draft folder, and the ten in the inbox. After that, I’m not sure if I’ll be continuing on with Ciaossu-Imagines.

Let me start by making it perfectly clear here that I love writing for KHR. I have so much love for KHR and its characters. Writing them feels natural to me, almost second-nature and these characters, this story still makes me happy, even if it ended years ago. 

But writing for this blog - it doesn’t make me happy anymore. It feels less and less like something fun I do to be a part of fandom and more and more like a job. An unpaid, thankless job with a bunch of the shittiest bosses, to be completely honest. Harsh? Yes, but that’s how I feel and I can’t lie about it anymore. 

I feel like I do so much work on here for nothing, for the illusion that I’m a part of this fandom when honestly, I’m not. I have maybe one or two friends I’ve met through this blog who talk to me about KHR (and then, even that happens rarely) but for the most part, I don’t even feel like a part of the fandom. I have nobody to rant and rave about the characters or storylines with, to talk about things that infuriated us about KHR and the things we loved. I know it’s a dead fandom but it’s not so dead that there’s not still fans who talk to each other about it. I know, I’ve seen people still doing it. As for those who argue that maybe I should just jump into those discussions, I answer 1) and interrupt a conversation? Didn’t your momma ever teach you manners? and 2) I’m horribly shy and have severe anxiety in social situations, even those online. To those who argue that I might have more people talking to me if I actually answered messages back quicker, I say 1) I have a life outside the internet and limited time on here, most of which I use desperately trying to get enough writing done to feel like I’m keeping up with my blog and 2) again, severe social anxiety; if anyone knew how long I spend rewriting messages in a desperate bid to avoid my online buddies figuring out that I’m kind of a loser and deciding not to talk to me anymore, they would laugh.

I feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above water with this blog, like it’s eating up so much of my time and energy and leaving me drained, with nothing in return. Yes, you guys might not get why I feel that way but that’s because you guys don’t see the messages or asks I get asking if I have this or that ask because it’s been a while and it hasn’t been answered or asking if I’m still active. For the most part, I delete those because it’s easier and I like to hope that an out of sight, out of mind approach will help me ignore them. I delete them so as not to clog dashes with inane content. I really only start answering them when it’s gotten to such a point that I’m feeling fed up and want to kind of bitch about it publicly, in as nice a way as I can. I understand that you’ve sent in a request and you want to read it as soon as possible, that you’re excited and hey, I’m glad you’re excited to read what I write. It’s not so great, my writing, so yes, I’m excited that you’re happy to read it. What I’m not excited about is how much pressure these messages put on me, how rushed I feel all the time in regards to this blog lately. I honestly don’t think people think about the fact that I’m a person, a human being on the other side of this screen. I work five days a week, long exhausting retail shifts, especially now around Christmas. I have chores and errands to do. I have to feed myself, bathe myself, and I have other hobbies and interests. Or I did. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty if I want to sit down and watch a television show because oh, there’s still all those asks and just a couple days ago someone was asking for this one or that one, I should be writing instead. I used to love writing fanfiction for other fandoms, even though I never published them anywhere. Now I feel horrible if I even think about writing fanfiction because if I have time to do that, I should be working on writing posts. So I just don’t do any of that stuff anymore. Instead, if I have free time, I get on the computer, open up my draft folder and start trying to squeeze out anything. 

And I do this for what? For a handful of likes? There’s only one or two people who reblog and even then, it’s very rare. Yes, I know this fandom isn’t very big but that’s no excuse! Are you afraid the words will ruin your beautiful blog if you reblog? Is it just not good enough - it’s good enough for you to like it but not publicly? I do this for what? For people to send in asks that read more like demands than requests, most without a single please or thank you, like I’m just a machine that you plug in a command and I spit out a story? For people to send in requests that clearly show that they haven’t bothered taking a single second to go up to the little search symbol and type in rules because I’m obviously not worth the iota of respect it takes for them to figure out what I write and don’t write? I’m not saying that I want you all to bow down and worship me, to always send in lavish praise or shit like that. I’m just asking for basic human decency and a little appreciation. And for those fucktards who always end up combating these sorts of questions from writers with ‘oh, but you’re supposed to be doing this for the love of writing like a real writer does’, I combat you with a giant fuck you. There’s no ‘real writers’ for one thing. Every writer is different and honestly, if I was writing for the pure love of writing, I wouldn’t be running an imagines blog. No writer running an imagines blog is doing it for the pure love of writing - we do it because we like writing yes, but also because we love sharing it with the fandoms we love, because we like seeing people enjoy what we do, what we write. And honestly, other than a few people (Martha, Chiwa, kbr, Tati - here’s looking at you), I never get the latter part of that anymore. 

I guess that’s it? That’s the end of the rant. All that to say that I feel like I’m drowning running this blog and I’ll be taking time off to get my head together before coming back to write. I’m not sure what the future is going to hold for this blog - I need time to think. But no matter what the future holds, I will say thank you to all those for the two years I’ve had for sure on here - there were precious moments and great happiness and for that I am glad.

[journal911]

why this must end, part 2

Relationships are supposed to be hard. They’re supposed to be a push and pull. Two people can’t go through life, living side by side, without struggling to communicate, relate, compromise, or be happy, at least a little bit. It’s supposed to be hard, because life is hard. 

But--life is hard. So relationships shouldn’t be so hard that they make life harder. A relationship should alleviate the burden of life despite moments of pain. Those moments of pain should reveal growth and appreciation and a deeper connection. A relationship should not make someone suffer without purpose.

Our relationship does not alleviate the burden of life, at least for me. Work alone for me has been so painful and all-consuming that all I have needed for the past year is a companion, someone to lean on, someone I can rely on to be there when I need it most. But every night I come home to an empty bed. Every night I come home to an empty inbox. I go weeks without seeing you, and sometimes when I do see you you are completely wrapped up in your own world that it’s like I’m not even seeing you at all. I beg you to be with me and to be present and you fight me, tooth and nail, every step of the way. Call me petty. Say that it’s not you to be “that way”. It’s not just about listening to me talk about work; you will listen to me talk, if I start the conversation. It’s about being with me. Being a companion. Knowing that I can see you whenever and you’ll be happy, satisfied, excited. Knowing that I can call you and not feel like I should apologize for interrupting your life or whatever you were doing, even if it was nothing at all. Knowing that I can make plans with you without the worry that later on down the line you’ll find something better to do, or change your mind because it’s no longer what you want to do. Knowing that you’re there, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I have to beg for that now. I shouldn’t. I have to scream and cry to no avail until finally you get tired and say, in essence, “whatever”, and spill an empty promise you know you’re not going to keep. I cry myself to sleep several times a week. Not necessarily because of you, but because of stress and anxiety and loneliness. All I want is you to be there for me, the way I have been there for you, picking up the phone at 2, 3, 4 in the morning when you’re panicking, cooing you back to sleep. Listening to you breathe on the other side for an hour just in case you wake up again. Sometimes, if I call you too late, you won’t answer and then you won’t call me back at all. Or you’ll text me sometime the next day saying, “missed your call, what’s up”. As if I just had some “petty” shit to talk about and it didn’t really matter. It matters. I matter. 

Our relationship has made me suffer. I have spent so many moments crying in a corner of a wedding, or splayed across my floor, or chain-smoking on my front stoop, or head buried in a pillow, or in my office, or on a subway, or in an airport, or...I have spent so many more moments crying over the fact that you don’t care that I’m crying. Calling me petty. Saying that what I am upset about is bullshit, and that you’re not going to change, and that “this” isn’t going to work. It’s frustrating, because you play that as your trump card, like you know it’s going to shut me up because you said something bigger than the problem at hand: you’re mad I didn’t dance? This isn’t going to work, because I am who I am and I’m not going to change. When you say things like that, of course, me wanting to dance seems petty in the scheme of our entire relationship. But isn’t it also petty that you won’t dance with me just to make me happy for an evening? It’s not like we have so many evenings of dancing, or so many evenings together at all, that you can sit one or two out and I won’t notice. This is just one example, a recent example, of you framing the conversation, where whatever I get upset over is insignificant in comparison to the person you are as a whole. It has manipulated me into thinking that none of the things that I want or care about really matter that much. And that’s really fucked up, because who I am, and what I want, is just as important as who you are, and what you want. And usually at this point in the conversation, I give up. Sometimes I even say sorry. Rarely, we compromise. Always, I’m disappointed, upset, and alone. My friends are worried about me. They say that I’ve changed, that I’m darker, sadder, less social. They don’t understand how I cry so much, because I never really cry at anything else--I’m usually so stoic, so calm and level-headed. Something about you gets me, and its a combination of the intense love I have for you and the extreme frustration I feel when trying to reason with you. The things I ask from you are the very basics of what a relationship is, and still somehow you find a way to say that I’m being unreasonable, and that I’m asking too much. All I want is:

1) Consistent communication

2) Frequent quality time spent together

3) Empathy and sympathy for one another’s needs and desires

4) Efforts made toward meeting one another’s needs and desires

5) Compromise pursuant to disagreements or differences in opinion

This is not unreasonable to request in a romantic relationship, nor a regular friend or family relationship. It’s the basis of how to be in any relationship, period. Note that I didn’t add anything about “romantic gestures” or “living together” or “follow me on social media” or “become friends with my friends” or “go on dates” or “plan for the future”, all of which would also be considered reasonable expectations for a romantic relationship, and also, all of which I’ve either done for you, requested of you, or both, but that you have shot down on multiple occasions. (Literally denying my Instagram follow request! Ha.) And honestly, the fact that those things aren’t present in our relationship have worn on me, but I��ve stopped asking because I know they’re never going to happen and I love you too much to let them get in the way of a relationship with you. But those few things I listed as the “basics” are necessary to call what we have a relationship. And they’re not present. They’re not even close to present. 

1) You call me sporadically, if at all. If I call you or text you, you usually don’t respond for a while, or you’re so quiet it’s awkward. You express little interest in the things I have to talk about other than basic mmhmms and “cool”, unless it has to do with stocks or something else you’re personally interested in. If I disagree with what you have to say, you say that I’m being too sensitive, not good at debating, short-sighted, or something similarly patronizing. You do talk to me about work sometimes, which is nice.

2) We spend maybe 3-4 days a month together, and you argue regularly with me when I say I want to spend more time with you. You tell me I’m being needy when I get upset about going many days without seeing you. When we do see each other, you are on your phone playing Yu-Gi-Oh for a long enough chunk of time for me to be annoyed, and then you get pissed when I tell you that. I’ve tried to come to your house, but it’s currently a mess and you’ve discouraged me from doing so for the last month and a half. When I ask you to come into the city, you say no, or if you say yes, you complain about parking, the drive, the cost, the time, etc. so much that I feel guilty for even asking you to come in in the first place.

3) You tell me the things I desire and need are “petty” and “bullshit”. You get immediately angry when I express my feelings or opinions, and speak to me curtly and forcefully. Your tone is consistently condescending and impatient. If I express emotion, such as raising my voice or crying, your tone becomes even more hurtful. You curse, sometimes at me, and sometimes calling me names. I can’t remember the last time I expressed the way I felt to you and you asked me questions, tried to figure out what’s wrong, or apologized for hurting my feelings. I often feel like you’d prefer me to not say anything at all than express the way I feel.

4) There have been times that you’ve tried to accommodate my needs and desires--I really loved when you brought me flowers and made me dinner on our anniversary. I appreciated that you came to those weddings with me. I loved that you sent me flowers on Valentine’s Day and took me on an awesome date. But generally speaking, these efforts are not the norm. My needs and desires are usually ignored when considering numbers 1-3, but also with stuff like: wanting to do things together; using the word “we” or planning things together; acting in any way like we’re a couple. That’s a need of mine: to feel like you’re my partner. I’ve expressed this to you, and you’ve made efforts toward the opposite, to actually back farther away from me than before. To tell me you don’t know if you ever want to move in, if you’ll ever feel ready, that you’ll resent me if it happens too fast, that we aren’t family yet, that you want to have two separate lives, that you want to feel like you have a place to get away from me. Like damn.  

5) You end nearly every disagreement with “I’m not going to change”, “this isn’t going to work”, or “I’m not talking about this anymore, this is bullshit, I told you from the start who I am and I’ve never changed that.” Compromise isn’t something you’re familiar with in any of your relationships, because no one has ever demanded it. You don’t go deep with virtually anyone, so it hasn’t been necessary. But like, compromise isn’t screaming at and berating someone, wearing down their will to argue. Compromise isn’t empty promises. Compromise is actually acting in a way that satisfies both people, even if both people also have to give up a little of what they want. I’ve given up a lot for you. I’m moving to Newark instead of saving up for a house in New York because you refuse to move to New York. And I was happy to do that, but it was a sacrifice for me to move from my family and friends in New York to live with you in Jersey. It is a consistent sacrifice to refrain from talking to you and seeing you so that you can feel free and unbound; I have so many things that I need to talk about with my partner, but I feel like I can’t because you don’t want to, so I either have to swallow it or talk to someone else or just distract myself until it passes. It’s a sacrifice to spend money on things to help you be presentable--your clothes, your car, your house, our vacations, our dates. These are all compromises I was and am willing to make because I love you, and I want you to be happy, and I want you to be with me. But the other side of compromise is you returning those favors with favors of your own. Is this selfish? Yes. But isn’t it really fucking selfish to be sitting on your side of the table, receiving and receiving without giving what is asked in return? I recognize that you feel that you’ve done and sacrificed a lot for me as well, and I appreciate the things you have done and do to try and make me feel loved. But at a certain point, talking about my financial health and doing the dishes or cooking me a dinner every once in a while does not cut it. I need more. 

I fucking hate this, and I hate that I have to do this, but I really do. I have to take care of myself, because you’ve proven time and time again that you will not, and that you refuse to modify your behavior in any way to meet basic relationship standards and/or my needs and desires on a consistent basis. I feel like I have tried everything I possibly can to make this work, including going to therapy, talking with you for countless hours, and giving up my personal happiness to accommodate your desires. This is not an equal relationship, and I can’t do this anymore.

I love you.