#sophiana (but like b a r e l y)

[tamsong]

biana coming to terms with her sexuality: a short fic

(cw: internalized homophobia due to a heteronormativity)

when biana came in sophie’s room at alluveterre late at night, rubbing her eyes and saying, “uh, can i ask you something?” in a soft, nervous voice, sophie wasn’t surprised.

this had happened with nearly every one of her friends. they would appear in her room either at night or during a period of downtime, looking like they were possessed by an idea that they couldn’t get rid of. they’d ask if they could ask her something, and sophie would say, “of course.” usually the question was something pertaining to the human world. dex had asked once if humans really had been to the moon. keefe asked if it was true that humans had schools specifically for art and music. fitz asked if humans’ minds could break and what they might do if someone was struggling mentally. sophie would answer, and the friend would stand there contemplating for a few moments, whisper a quiet “thanks,” and then leave. this had almost become routine, and sophie had actually been waiting for biana to come it at some point.

what did surprise sophie, though, was the question that biana asked.

“is it true that in the human world, you can get married to someone of the same gender?”

sophie blinked. she had never heard any elf say anything about the lgbt community, as it was called in the forbidden cities. she hadn’t even known that it was even a concept that existed for elves. “um, yes,” she said. “not everywhere. some humans think it’s sinful and treat people really bad for it. but in the country where i’m from, i think they just legalized it a year or two ago. and there are pride events for people who like the same gender or are transgender- if you don’t know what that means, it’s when someone is born as one gender but their mind doesn’t match up to it. why do you ask?”

biana didn’t reply, and at first sophie thought she was going to leave. instead, biana walked over to sophie’s bed and sat down next to her, not making eye contact. she twisted her fingers over and over again, her usual nervous habit. sophie became increasingly worried that she was going to break a bone. “elves don’t have anything like that. i’ve never known a boy who liked a boy, or a girl who liked a girl. when you get your match lists, there’s no question asking you what gender you like. i know because i’ve secretly looked at alvar’s. why?” she murmured. “why isn’t it an option for us?”

sophie turned to look at biana, who was still gazing down at the floor. it was hard to tell in the dark room, illuminated only by a few weak beams of light from where the door was cracked open, but she thought biana was blushing. she thought she knew what biana wanted to tell her, but sophie didn’t want to scare her off. “elves seem weirdly obsessed with genetic diversity and having children,” sophie offered gently. “that’s what the match lists are for, right? so it would make sense that same-gender couples aren’t considered in the lists. or,” she added, “maybe elves just don’t have that in their genes, or maybe it’s so rare that nobody thinks about it.”

biana shook her head violently. sophie wasn’t sure if she was denying something, or upset, or just clearing her head. she scooted a little closer to her friend, and wrapped an arm around biana’s slightly trembling shoulders. “are you okay?” sophie asked. “is something wrong?”

biana gave a small shrug. the two girls sat there silent together for a moment. finally, biana screwed her eyes shut and blurted out, “i think i might be broken. like something in my head has gone wrong. i know it.” she turned back up to look sophie in the eyes, her face constricted with panic. “i don’t like boys at all. never have. i hope that i will eventually, but the longer i go without liking them the less sure i am that it’ll ever happen.” she paused, and then sighed, and her whole body seemed to sag. “can i trust you?”

“of course,” sophie said without hesitating. “no matter what, i’ll always be here for you.”

“i know,” biana said. “but i’m scared. this is the first time i’ve ever said this out loud. it’s... a lot, you know?”

sophie nodded. she rubbed her thumb on biana’s neck to try to calm her nerves. it was a small gesture, but sophie wanted her friend to know that she had her undying love and support. “i know. it’s okay,” she said.

“it’s okay,” biana repeated numbly. “it’s okay? i don’t think it is. but i’m gonna have to say it at some point so i might as well do it now.” she breathed in to steady herself. “i... i think i like girls. boys are fine, but whenever i see you fangirling over my brother or... or whatever, i just don’t get it. i faked my crush on keefe because i didn’t want anybody to look at me weirdly and he seemed like a reasonable option because lots of girls like him and he would never actually like me back anyway,” she rambled. “but whenever i see a pretty girl, it’s like i freeze up, and i blush a lot, and i want to stare at her all day but i have to look away so i don’t seem weird. i denied it for so long because that’s unheard of here, but i can only hold back the truth for so long. sometimes, i make friends with a girl i like, because that’s all i can really hope for, but ninety percent of the time she just goes after my brother and that’s part of why i was so mean to you at first. i didn’t want to get hurt again.” 

she dropped her head into her hands. “i’m so sorry, sophie, you probably didn’t want to hear about this. i know it’s not right and i’m just bad and broken and i’m sorry! i’m sorry,” she cried, her voice quivering and her body heaving with sobs that she didn’t have to hold back anymore. sophie simply rubbed her back and let her cry, knowing how cathartic this all was for her. 

when biana’s sobs began to level out, sophie said, “biana. look at me.” her friend shook her head. “please. look at me.”

she slowly lifted her head as if it were the hardest task she’d ever had to accomplish. biana’s eyes were rimmed with red, and sophie could see tear tracks carving paths through her perfect face. you don’t deserve this, sophie thought helplessly. the world should be treating you better than this. 

“biana.”

“yeah?”

sophie cupped biana’s face and wiped away a tear. “you shouldn’t be sorry. this is who you are, and there is nothing wrong with you. i know you might not feel like that. but it’s true. and i’ll keep telling you that as long as you need me to.”

biana sniffled. “thanks, sophie. i don’t think i believe it yet, but i really appreciate it.” suddenly, she threw her arms around sophie, and sophie was happy to hug her back. “thank you. thank you so much.”

the two girls stayed like this for what seemed like hours, holding each other tight under the weight of the darkness and the rest of the world. finally, they separated, but didn’t move any farther than that. biana asked, “do you think it would be okay if i slept here with you tonight?” she paused. “wait, no, that sounded bad. i promise, sophie, i didn’t mean anything weird! you can say no if you want. i’m sorry!”

sophie shouldn’t have laughed, because biana was genuinely distressed, but she couldn’t help it. “relax, it’s fine. you can totally stay! i know you don’t mean anything weird.”

biana sighed with relief. “oh, okay. good.”

they sat there on the bed talking about meaningless things for a few more minutes, and then crawled next to each other under the covers. biana was tired from all the emotional vulnerability, and so she began to drift off rather quickly. as she sank into the gentle fog of sleep, biana couldn’t help thinking that maybe everything really would be okay.

(and if sophie and biana woke up in the morning cuddled closer together than was entirely necessary, what did it matter? nobody needed to know.)