#soooooo no i will take my little enriching shopping trips | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chelseaonjta-blog · 5 years ago

Text

last days of jta

wow so i just want to acknowledge that i really do suck at keeping journals. my intervals go from daily to once every three months to reasonable day intervals. i’m sorry, future self. i wish i could say i tried my hardest but to be honest, i didn’t very much. mental note: use the journal i bought from flying tiger from now on! it’s in the balixbayan box now, but once i get my hands on it, i should start writing in it! for some reason, writing instead of typing has become more appealing to me now.

i will also get back to writing about madrid once i’m less...focused (?) on leaving

so. i’m down to my last 3-4 days of JTA. 3-4 depending on when I consider the “last” day to be - whether it’s the day i board the plane or the last full day i have before that. my practical self says it ends on the 30th, but my sentimental self wants to hold on for as long as i can and say that my last is july 1. so fine, let’s let sentimental self have its win. 4 days it is.

wooooow. i don’t even know what to feel anymore. i think i’ve wanted to go home for so long that at this point its just become numbing, as if i never actually expected to get here anymore. and now that i am here...i don’t want to leave. my JTA wasn’t bad, and i don’t regret going. i’m a little concerned for all the times my parents had to spend for me though (i tried to be cheap, but even basic necessities are expensive!), but aside from that it’s been a good six months. i look back and i can say for sure that i’m not the same person i was coming in. I’ve grown. i don’t know how exactly...ok maybe i do. let me try to put it into words, but honestly every time i think about my past six months i get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and my heart drops a little bit. i guess i can’t really imagine leaving just yet, no matter how much i wanted to before.

I guess throughout the six months I’ve learned who I am. awow. but really! i’m proud i didn’t do anything out of character these last six months. if anything, i think i was able to solidify who i am and what i stand for. I’ve become comfortable with the truth that I am Catholic. being in secular Europe has not changed that about me, and it’s even made my faith stronger and made me want to seek Jesus out even more. I am stronger in faith.

I also know now what kind of person I am. I’m anxious over little things, meticulous, a worrier. especially on travel. hahaha. but I’m also sociable, I sacrifice my own time and energy for my friends (even though it’s unarguably a hassle for me), and I look out for other people. I think about others’ needs. and I expect that kind of respect and concern back. and sometimes I don’t get it, and it disappoints me. but hey, we can’t get everything right? even if I do get sad that I sometimes don’t feel as looked out for as I look out for certain people, I don’t really see myself changing how I act towards others. I’m less petty now. I let things go. I focus on the bigger picture. I try to let go and let God more often, because I’ve realized that 1) I don’t know what I’m doing 99% of the time and even if I do know, I don’t do it so well and 2) God knows better than me. I feel a little like Moana - I know who I am. and I’m weird, a little extra, a little too much sometimes, but I know I also have a heart that reaches out for others. JTA has made me accept myself, and all of myself - the good side and the bad. looking back, i don’t know which side was harder to accept. either way, I’m happy I accepted it. now, I am stronger in my identity.

I can stand on my own now. of course I’m still a little hesitant to do it when the time comes, but I go for it anyway. I can make it out alive. I’m more willing to put myself out there too. I think JTA is an exercise on fear. Not on how to lose it, but on how to handle it. And not just fear, actually...JTA has let me handle all my emotions. I’ve learned throughout JTA that no matter how perfect the situations are, you’re still going to feel every single emotion. all the negative ones and positive ones. and I can’t really control what comes first and when one emotion should even be there at all. but they are there. I have realized that it does me no good to deny myself my emotions. they are there, they are real, and they tell of something that matters so much to me that I feel for it. and I need to listen. my emotions are important. but JTA has also taught me that they are not everything. again, JTA is an exercise on emotion. when we missed our bus to barcelona (yes... I do need to get back to that soon), I was feeling all kinds of tired and disappointed and frustrated. and it was so easy to lash out at each other, but we didn’t. it was a tense moment for everyone, but we pulled through gracefully. and that’s what Madrid taught me. emotions are real. they exist and they should be acknowledged. but what matters most is how I handle them. when we’re in shit, we’re in shit, and we can’t change that. but we have to pull through. I control my emotions, not the other way around. it was in that moment that my patience was really being tested, and it’s like I saw it in front of me: what do I value more? letting out my temporary emotions or helping my friends by not adding to the tension? the answer was easy. I’m not at 100% perfect balance of emotions yet, but I’m getting there. that moment in Madrid was a perfect case study. because of that, I am stronger emotionally.

But back to the fear, because there’s another aspect of it that I want to talk about. I said “I’m more willing to put myself out there too”. and that’s true - I’m less afraid of being labeled “weird” or extra or whatever. life is about living, about going out there and seeing what it’s all about. throughout my JTA, I have decided that I do not want to be the bystander. I want to experience, to be in on the joke. there’s more to life then doubts and hesitations and sticking to what we know. I think this was encouraged by the thinking of “oh what the hell, I’m on JTA anyway!”. that thinking helped me step out of my comfort zone a lot. I don’t have extreme memories like skydiving or something, but I do mean that I got to interact with more people and even travel with some of them (none of whom were Filipino!). better yet, I got to experience a different kind of “going out” that I wouldn’t have chosen for myself. I got to go clubbing, to dance to reggaeton and pop and drink trashy drinks from a balcony. I wouldn’t have thought of doing those things because from the onset it seemed basic to me. but I kept an open mind, and I was rewarded for it. JTA taught me that there’s more to the world than what I know, or even what my closest friends know. there’s more out there, and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least check it out. my new motto? don’t knock it til you’ve tried it! and who cares if you’ll be called basic? at least I lived it. and if I hated it, at least I can give a good reason why. JTA has made me more unafraid. I am more courageous, I am stronger.

the last point might make you wonder about my first statement of “I never did anything out of character”. if I went out of my comfort zone and did things I wouldn’t normally do, isn’t that...out of character? not really. I realize that it’s something about my personality too. I’m sociable, I keep my friends close, and I’ll do what I can to make them happy. and if they invite me to go clubbing from time to time, then why not? if it won’t put me in danger, why not? and honestly, pop and reggaeton are fun to dance to anyway. and I did enjoy myself ☺️

so that’s JTA to me. I’m surprised I actually got words out. wow...my JTA experience was incredibly enriching!

I’m still reeling over what my professor Chris said about me when he complemented me about my paper (aaaaaaah still not over that!!!). “you write very well. thanks for taking the time to do this, i rarely comment on students papers but this was really good.” wow!!!! that really boosted my self-esteem. i don’t know why that came up...i guess i just remembered it since i’m surprised that i got to write this long about my JTA. oh well. at least that proud moment was recorded here!

well. this was supposed to be a boring little post about what i’ve been doing these last few days, because I can already hear myself going “what did I even do for that last week??”

well chelsea, here you go:

friday: that last really easy sociology exam that everyone else found difficult. you stayed quiet about it, so don’t worry. also legina’s last day, so you went to 100 Montaditos with her and Abel. you were sad, deep down. there was some street performer playing really sentimental instrumental music and you video-ed it and included a shot of the trees. it felt like the end of an era saying goodbye to Legina and Abel. in a way, it kind of was. you promised you’d meet them sometime next year though.

ninong dok and tita blanche were there, so you had dinner with them.

saturday: you had dinner with bianca’s mom and our barcelona parents aka javier and mercedes! what did you do in the morning? only God knows now. oh! I think you spent some time in the beach, but only on the benches above, not really on it.

sunday: you went to church in the morning. for the first time in almost 2 months, you walked going there and back. you tried the new italian yogurt shop. it was ok.

you met up again with ninong and tita for dinner at the place they considered “the best tapas of their whole trip”. you doubted where else they had tapas, because that particular resto wasn’t sooOOOO amazing. it was good though!

it was also sant joan’s feast (which i just found out translates to St John’s??? wow) so even if you were incredibly scared and magugulatin with the fireworks, you braved walking alone to the beach after dinner. it was worth it. you got to see the fireworks on the beach and the groups of friends spread out on picnic cloths over the beach. the techno music was pretty good too. you wished Legina and the other koreans and Raya were there so that you could’ve stayed at the beach too. oh well, though. what could you do? also you thought the fireworks were pretty supot. tbh.

monday: you started packing today. you got pretty tired after and i think you just played sims. it was your last night with ninong, and they very kindly invited and paid for you to join them at their Flamenco show + dinner. dinner was alright, it was a buffet type thing. not the best, but not so bad. you also had a lot of wine which made you incredibly sleepy for the first half of the flamenco show. you tried to hide it but I don’t think you were that successful. it was a good show though, and you liked it better than the first one you watched with your parents. afterward, you and sina ninong visited Placa Reial and had one more round of beers. it was a nice night, and you took some funny pictures at the plaza. it was chill. it was nice being there, because you and bianca would never have bought drinks and sat on that square (too expensive). you said goodbye to ninong dok and tita blanche.

tuesday-wednesday: you stayed home to study for international journalism in the morning and then either do sims or watch Someone Great on netflix at night.

thursday (the day I’m writing this): you took the international journalism test in the morning. went okaaaaay. Chris gave you back your reading test (you finally got something other than 7 -- you got 9.5! score!) and said very kindly “well, have a good life.” it was touching, in its detached way.

you said good bye to giulia too. now her, I don’t know when you’ll see. but I’ll miss her. you hugged twice, because you knew it was going to be a while til you saw her.

then you ate Nice Spice and got menu del dia because you craved curry. you got really full. then you went back to glories to buy celio and massimo for dad. you decided to walk with all the bags back to the flat, and it was really hot and hard to do. u put on girl power music halfway through to power you on. it kinda worked. you rested for a bit (oh! you’ve been watching alex gonzaga videos throughout the week. you found the asylum manila video really funny) then went back and started shopping for yourself. you came back with xistorra and milk (the two loves of your JTA, tbh. plus choco flakes). javier very kindly gave a fan for your room (does he have a fan for himself??? i hope so :( i’m gonna miss barcelona dad) and offered you a beer. Estrella. nice guy. you had dinner on the terrace. and now you’re here, on the bed, listening to your “while driving” playlist and writing. it’s a lot better than playing sims, haha.

tomorrow you have SG with Claire, then you’re gonna call mom (biological mom hahaha) to shop for her and your siblings. and you’re probably gonna finish some of your own shopping too. and then you and javier are going to order ham.

not so bad, eh? more or less I did do something everyday, see! but reading it again makes me sad again because...it really is ending. my friends are all leaving, and there’s nothing to look forward to in Spain anymore. I mean sure, there’s shopping and packing but those are things for going home. nothing for being here. I still plan on going to Laberint D’Horta, but I’m not as game for it as I used to be, so let’s see. maybe a last walk to ciutadella park would be nice. if only it weren’t so hot. we shall see.

0 notes