#somewhere out there cycles are repeating that you didnt even realize were cycles

[fairycosmos]

i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know -  it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail.  through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so.  excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

[a-memoir-of-me-blog]

more systemic things! YAY!

This was about the reaction to cutting PP (but there is more on this somewhere and opinion did shift a little)

-x: thanks for being educated!!

-Me: like bro….reversing roe v wade...cant just be me thinking this???

-x: yeah. Youre right about that. Honestly going to be a crazy 4 years

-Me: srsly. Smfh

-x: hope for the best (do the best!!) but expect the worse (and always have a plan!! And backup!!!) nothing we can really do about it (yes we can…) but just live in this era. Everyday in our lives cant be sunny (yes it can…)

-Me: sadly

-x: mishaps like trump has happened and its something we have to live with

-Me: idk. We will see what happens

-x: wouldnt be surprised if war occurred (we’ve been at war for all history of US….lol. And the cold war with russia is happening). The vast majority can just play the waiting game now. Like us (lol not me…)

-Me: and lol we fund private prisons but dont even care about the future. We dont care about prevention and we have to deal with the issues that arise because we are cheap in avoiding things and spend like mad trying to defend emptiness. Like i hate how america thinks so short term. Like yeah..short profits in this time...but do we not realize the damage we will need to spend in the future that is greater than the money we got in profit…..like yo. If we become even more populated becasue of this and people who wanna get an education instead of being stuck with a child and having to go into work and not go to school….(but honestly….with school and prevention and all that on the rise...educated people=smaller growth pop rate…) and their kid will never see their parent bc they are working all the time to just get means of survival (anbd again, they are very vulnerable to the corruption and dont know what is good or bad) and then on top of that, they will also still struggle bc taxes will be thru the roof for yet again, more useless and not beneficial short term stuff and the minimum wage cant even get them thru and then that will also cause the child to act out and the cycle repeats...and if they do make abortion illegal (which they cant) then babysitting and daycare services should be more available and not pricey (even free) while their parent(s) get a better education for themselves and therefore their family.

-x: selfishness and greed plays a big part in our society. Within the past three years ive seen the “real world” and its truly sad. We live in a world where capitalism plays a big role. But as humans i guess we will always have a sort of hierarchical system in place. Lets take for example electric company like conedison or national grid (lol what…)

-Me: its like the powerful, the privileges, the elite. They all need someone to be at the bottom to help keep the cycle going (its not a pyramid...its a cycle….in nature...in everything….). This pyramid is so outdated and immoral. And honestly, all we do is follow business cycles. Like the nature of things are all in circular motion and keep going, ups and downs and sides and all that, and it translates into human thought, human behavior, and therefore the world we live in with all the material there (made by us..a cycle…). Up for a little. We crash. And thru it all, distract the vulnerable and the underprivileged, and then use them as a profit while we leave them suffering even more. And then we will want to innovate because we see the consequences of our wrong doings. Then watch the “system” crack on itself because the people who make the system run stopped it all. We stop the system, the system doesnt stop us...only if we let it. Then, because we are the system, then the system breaks here and there, and the whole chain reaction happens and it keeps happening because majority dont realize it. That they are letting themselves be used, instead of using the system to their advantage.   Its always happening. But the woke...the ones with the force….of good will and good intent and love...they are the ones going against it and spreading it and waking everyone up.

-x: electricity is as free as free can be yet we pay for things like that (because its an incentive...it has “power” and “motivates” us, also some are also paid for bc we need to pay for the costs of labor, time, environment, etc…). I have a dishwasher who is a great man but also an ex felon. On our break he helped a homeless man set up an outlet on the streets using a lamp pole. I didnt think it was possible, but that was an eye opener.

-me: the powerful hates those who rise from the ashes that were caused by the powerful burning them down

-x: there are certainly “simple fixes” but to have a world where every single person will agree on the same idea will be inevitable

-me: i wrote stuff about this in english this term. I loved it lol

-x: it’ll be too late and the world would probably end before that happens (no it wont (:)

-me: its what made me so interested in it. Also prisons need to be reformed

-x: lol. Thats good! Its things we should be thinking about. And yeah prisons (culture in general and society) should be reformed. The amount of money put into prisons are ridiculous

-me: children should learn how to negotiate and argue on facts. Thats why education is so important. I cant stress it any more

-x: i had a discussion about school tuition and how much it takes to keep a prison open. Lol. i know what my parents feel now. Newer generations are just being baby fed everything (good or bad! And we just take it all! Like we are literally allowing them to fuck us over). More and more people dont really know what “hard work” is. But parents are to blame for that too. Since they started from 0 and want the best for their child (yeah and when we are being given all those things and they are getting older, then we need to be giving them things, bc they are going to reach 0 again too….death. And its not like its bad for us, because we are still gonna be able to live and get that back….but it is also the older ppl who are also very greedy and just want and want and dont even thank. As if they were entitled for it just bc they gave….like no…..i give because i want to….not because u deserve it…)

-me: our corrections system sucks too. Our military and police system sucks too. Our education sucks too (well...our own fault  because we let it go to waste). Thats why the RIGHT education is the solution.

-x: lol. I can agree with that. Honestly in this era you dont even need to go to school. You can take the easy route which would be finish hs or just a GED, take a course for a certain certificate and move up in that particular company. As you move up, work experience will beat any degree (right...but if you can do that...and school...and extracurricular….NO ONE can beat you. You did that for yourself and it will reward you. Just know what youre beating yourself up for.)