#sometimes you rlly need someone to validate that familial relationships feel just as much Like That

[roomba-mangga]

Good day here is an AMV of Mitski's Me and My Husband set to the Puppingtons from Moral Orel (Bloberta and Clay, the parents, divorce energy etc. etc.) but halfway through it changes perspective to be about Orel and his father and it's making me insane

[thehighnote-blog1]

unexpected green grass

oh boy, here we go again. this time i feel like i’ve found a glitch. this girl moves on her own, she does what she wants when she wants. she’s forward with her feelings and thoughts and opinions and is only sometimes passive aggressive about things, but clears up problems as soon as they arise. Things have been a little stressful so far, but I feel like the origin of the problem starts sooner than i even met her, but to get there i have to start with where im at, and how i got here.

right now, im at an intersection. i can turn two ways. left is home, the safe option, telling her im not ready for a relationship because lets be real, theres no way i am. going right means i go all in, i guess. she’d be my girlfriend. id be her boyfriend. there’s no way that’s possible right? it feels like it has been so long since anyone has acknowledged my presence like this, or felt this way about me. we have problems and she talks to me about them, and how to fix them. normally girls would just dip as soon as i did something weird, right? isn’t that how it’s supposed to go? normally i say some basic thing about how i feel or what i believe and they would just be turned off and dip right? anyways, this isn’t a path i imagined would happen. i went into all my previous dating whatevers trying to chase and chase because i thought the person was hella dope, and they did exactly what im doing to this awesome girl right now. i came to her with the intention of ending it before things got started, because she would get freaked out by something i did, because that’s what always happens. i had the intent on waiting for her to come to me when she wanted something serious, but in the back of my mind i was always sure that there was no way that that would happen, so i kept myself from getting too close. she points out that i remain distant, that i don’t open up, that i freak out when anything about my past comes up, and she’s right. that’s exactly what i’m doing, i cannot get over the fact that there is no WAY she could possibly want to be in a relationship with me because for the last two and a half years it’s been the same cycle over and over again of the same shitty ending every time. but clearly, this time, it’s not the same as those times. she has told me, to my face, that she likes me, and that she wants to be in a relationship with me. when i hear the words, they sound fake. my mind feels like its been trained to hear those words as lies or imposters or something that had no real truth behind it. but she said the words without any prompting from me, like it had been on her mind for some time, and like she was waiting for me to reciprocate. and hearing the words as the way i do with the thoughts of it not being possible eating away at me, i can’t reciprocate, because there’s no pathway i’ve seen or predicted or thought out where this actually happens, and what i say, and what happens next. i don’t know what happens next. 

*geez i need to start formatting*

i have this romanticized idea of my friends relationships and their social media appearances but when i hear from them its always shitty. they talk about doing nothing, and how miserable it is. i love being single. doing whatever i want, when i want, hanging with whoever until whenever, flirting with cute girls left and right, flicking them the smirk or the eye and giving them the tone in my words and movin on with my day and a mini confidence boost. my friends get straight up depressed when shit in their relationship isn’t going well. they are completely dependent on the other person it seems. when i’m chillin by myself i can get over whatever is bothering me by doing whatever the fuck i want about it. i don’t have to worry about it when i go to sleep, or when i wake up, or when i want a day to myself. like today, yeah i fucked up my plans and her plans but we resolved the issue, so we both took a day to recoup, and we were both cool with the plans dissolving. i still feel shitty about it and i don’t know how she can’t be salty about it she has to be hiding it from me i guarantee i’ll hear about it again this is what i mean it’s eating me alive that she can’t be salty about this but- today, i was chillin, we facetimed, everything was fine, we talked about cute shit and normal fun shit and then it dissolved into the crossroad. i tried to just get one, day, of not having to stress about her. or school. or friends. or anything. and i had that, until she brought all of this up. this is what i’m trying to talk about with relationships in general. i wouldn’t have this stress at all without getting into a relationship, continuing my single life. 

but this girl is sooooo fuckin dope. we listen to the same shit, she watches anime, cooks, has cats, is cute as FUCK, has a suuper nice booty, she cares about me, and her people, and she is such a good person at heart that has had the roughest of goes in this world and i want to jump in and spoil her and spend all of my time with her but after all of this shit i’ve been through, each time i’ve felt like this, each time i’ve come to this exact crossroad, everything goes to shit.

my body’s intuition, my gut, my subconscious, pulls me back. it tells me there’s no way you could do this. this isn’t a good idea, you’ve been here before and look where you ended up last time. 

this time is different. this girl has no connection to me. she’s from a completely different sample. all my past samples and experiences have come from the sample of gcu, or my high school, or something relating back to vegas. this is nothing like any of the previous samples, she’s from a completely different environment. a completely different upbringing. a different state, a different school, a different high school, two schools but college was the first one thx. 

the point is, this is a complete stranger. someone who doesn’t know anything about me from before the first time she met me. everyone else has a connection to my past. has seen or heard about some other side of me, or seen me in some other situation, how i act or how i behave. this girl has seen me for me, one on one, with her friends, with her friends friends, in public, etc, and still likes me. she’s seen my ex, has heard about my friends, my interests, my parents, my upbringing, my extended family, my school, etc, and is still around. today she told me she wants to hear even more about the things i like. 

i don’t know how, or why, this is happening. logically, this validates my inner question of am i even that cool of a person. am i that enjoyable to be around. this girl is the perfect control sample, to see me as i am right now, how i want to be seen, and she likes what she sees. that is all i could ever ask for. and she has verbally expressed that, clear as day. and she is cool as FUCK. i love spending time with her. she cuddles rlly nicely and she’s funny to listen to, i really like keeping her on track when she tries to tell stories bc shes a crackhead. 

i can’t shake the fact that it’s all gonna fall apart. i feel like i’ll do something to fuck things up, and i’ll have wasted her time. i’ve already done so many things that she should have left for, but she’s still here. i have been so shitty, yet she still asks me about what my interests are. i feel like i’m talking to a bot that won’t go away, that’s been assigned to me. like the universe has seen my struggle and as soon as i wanted to turn my relationship button off they put her in front of me, willing to come back every time i fucked up, trying to find out more about me or check on me after we fight due to my fuck up. 

how is this POSSIBLE. if i make this a relationship, am i taking advantage of her? how does she know she likes me that much? i feel like she barely knows anything about me. what if she realizes in a month that i’m really as boring and lame as i think i am, and she only likes me because i’m a boring but kind heart, nice to cuddle with and talk to about her problems. she dips and its right after i decided that she really was there for me, and that she was into me like that. 

as soon as i accept that what she’s saying is true, and i open up, i jump in, i make it public, i post some shit on social media, something goes wrong. something goes to shit. it ends. its gone sooner before i even realized we called it something. it happens every time. every time i believe someone else feels some way about me, they feel the opposite. here lies the conundrum. the paradox. the crossroad. 

do i accept that she likes me? believe that she means the truth, and that it won’t change at least for a while? risk that it might? or do i keep from being cut down by the cycle, hurt her feelings sooner just a little rather than my own a significant amount later.. how could she want something with me... i don’t understand