#sometimes when im having trouble eating i heat up something much hotter than it needs to be and shovel it into my mouth as fast as i can

[aphvanity]

i become a different creature when i am confronted with bread and soup. doing stat homework and going downstairs during a break for tea before deciding to make a life changing decision. "i will make some soup" no you will not. you will change your life. you will become something else entirely. no longer will you be a simple minded creature. all of your motivations. all of your desires. all of your needs. they will become nothing more than a bowl of soup and some bread. you are no longer yourself. you are dipping rolls and multigrain slices into a heated up can of chicken and rice soup poured in a cracked bowl like nothing ever has before. your life becomes meaningless beyond finding the perfect balance of "before soup content (simply broth)" bread and "mopping the dredges" bread. you are smiling. you are devastated. you are the happiest you have ever been. it doesnt matter. theres only soup and bread on a plate.

[sburbian-sage]

Alchemiter + Food Production + Aspect Charges = The Worst Indigestion.

But to be fair, indigestion doesn’t make you explode or turn all your organs into bologna.

It is a well-known fact that SBURB doesn’t provide much in the way of food. The Healing Gels all provide nourishment, but they don’t taste like anything. If you want actual food, there’s few options.

Whatever you have in your house.

Food handed out on Derse/Prospit parties

Bugs that consorts find

Some sprites with high link stats have been known to cook. They know they’ll have to leave eventually, so they tend to cloister themselves and cook. For days on end.

And so long without food sucks. We all thought Alchemiter food would work, but it has trouble producing organic material. not that type of organic i would rather starve In spite of this, we’re still making breakthroughs in this respect, and are able to make cakes. Look around pitsblog and you’ll find hundreds of recipes and alchemy instructions.

But what I’m talking about is something else. It’s even more common knowledge that you can deck out your alchemy pad so it has higher chances of Elemental Alchemy. Elemental Alchemy is when an Aspect Charge goes into the item. Charged items have various effects. Blood items can talk, Rage items want to be used more, and Hope items leave. They just fly out and away. But it’s 100% possible for the charges to go into food. This is not good at all. The various charges have various effects, none of which are good.

For those who are forgetful, I will recite the effects of items and food with charges, so you know to be careful.

For those with morbid curiosity, buckle up.

Blood

Blood food, that sounds fun. Blood is about stability and bonds, so your items will never break. Ever. They also attune to people. They also have this weird quirk, in that they’re sentient. Your sword will talk and latch onto your personality. Be careful. Blood charged food is good because it bolsters your immune system and makes your skin harder. Downside? The food is alive.

So that’s a problem. Some want to be eaten, some don’t. But either way, you’ll probably feel bad.

Breath

Breath is about freedom and chaos. Items you make will either dissipate upon entry, or be highly destructive. Same for the food. You either get air (that admittedly smells good), or regular food. Eat it, and you will blow up. Air wells up inside and escapes into gore. Sick.

Void

Void is about nothingness. Void items don’t exist. Thats i

Mist

Mist is about replication and being. Items you make, there will be a lot of them. Sometimes they amalgamate, so creating a shitty sword that turns into several shitty swords that fuse into each other is a thing, and the stats stack, so what was once formerly 10 pieces of shit suddenly becomes a good option. Mist is the best for making food, as you either get more bang for your buck, or one superfood that will feed you in one bite. But eating too much superfood will make you vomit.

Heart

Heart is about identity, stepping down from a pedestal to introspect, and souls. Items you make will be bare versions that are easily modified, and have their souls on their sleeve. They may even be emotion oriented. As for food, I’ve never seen heart food, but i can only imagine it is the purest form of it. Which might mean you get individual parts. That’s kind of stupid.

Rage

Rage is about outward warping, command, and giving up your identity so you can focus on what needs to be done. Rage items are commanding. They want to be used. You’ll find yourself using a Rage weapon and it feels good. Soon enough, you’re Gollum. Rage food is probably worse, because you’ll either be addicted to the food you’re eating in a non-wholesome, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Meth way. Or you obsess over the food and starve because you never actually ate it. It will mess up your life.

Flow

Flow is FIRE! It heats things up and makes them intense. Items burn and make everything seem a bit more real. You’ll be manic all the time. The food you eat will be spicier, hotter, and the tastes are more distinct. Eating Flow food is a good idea because they make you more productive, and are kind of like anti-depressants. The only foreseeable problems are addiction, because this shit is basically Speed, and also spontaneous combustion.

Rhyme

Rhyme takes it slow. Mutes and cools down so you can appreciate it. Items are cod and make things a bit more muted. They’re good for calming down, and while they do things slow, they do it right. Rhyme food is cold, maybe even raw, but it’s basically the every-food version of a pot brownie. Not gonna lie, I used to do Rhyme food benders a lot in my early days. Just do it responsibly. I distinctly remember me and this troll were Rhymed, the muted, effective nature of it made us go from friend to one-night stand. Even worse, nothing actually happened. I made out with her horns and she tried to bucketfill my toilet. I declare Rhyme food to be the worst food.

Mind

Mind is about logical thinking, options, and it’s my native aspect. Mind homeboys, holla if you hear me. Items tend to be electric coded, and in colours and patterns that encourage thinking. Nice to wear, even if there’s no inherent bonus besides electrocution. The food almost always comes out in a diverse palette so you have options in your diet. And they’re still electric. But maybe a good shock can knock a cog in your brain use, so munch up, junior.

Fate

Fate is about instinct and inevitability. Fate items look okay, but you realize that you probably wanted it like this. They oft have arrows on them, and move fast in the direction of the arrow. Good weapons. The food is similar, in that it’s okay, but not what you wanted. And in the end, you like it. They also hone your instincts and make you feel like making more impulse decisions.

Might

Might is about strength and standing up to meet challenges. Might items seem weak, but when you face them with adversity, they get stronger. A Might shirt will just be a shirt, but if you get hit with a hammer, it tenses up to block the blow. Might knives will be dinky pieces of metal, but they will go to sword-levels of sharp when needed. But don’t eat the food. They don’t want to be eaten, and will fight as they go down. If you do manage to somehow digest it, then a grape can feed you fully.

Sand

Sand is the direct opposite of Might. Instead of rising to meet a challenge, it cuts the challenge down to your level. This means a Sand weapon will cut through armour like butter, and then suddenly suck. The food is worse than implied. You may think it makes you hungry so it can feed you just enough, right? Wrong. It meets your hunger and decides that the best way to meet the standards is to tear your insides to shreds. Sand food is instantly lethal. And it’s also about deception, so you’ll have a hard to impossible time of knowing what the item is or what you ate.

Doom

Doom is about decay and necessary rot for life. The items are poisonous, but they’re so good, they have to exist. The food is predictably poisonous. But Doom decays the taste, you you might think “okay so it didnt taste like poison so i guess im good” and then you die. Doom players, however, can eat it all they want. These guys can benefit from drinking bleach, poison heals them. But if they feed it to you saying that it needs to be eaten as a part of the cycle, slap their defeatist face.

Life

Life is about growth, and the travel from Doom to Life, and ending in Doom again. The food is actually good. It fails to be tasty most of the time, but what sandwich can heal physical wounds, wipe away bruises, and grow back fingers? The armour is good too. The only gripe is the weapons, they suck ass and actually heal the targets. And no, it still hurts. Smashing someone with a healing mace will make them cry from pain, but heal it so any wounds don’t happen. Speaking from experience, they’re not worth it unless you plan on torturing someone.

Dreams

Dreams is about thinking up stuff, and ordered creativity. The items look like art pieces and coloured like aesthetic moodboards. They tend to look silly, and their stats are okay, but they increase when you’re doing something innovative, or while asleep. So a good battle strategy is to go to sleep and have a Blood player animate your drooling body to kick ass. The clothing items make you dozy, but creative. Food is weird because it’s hallucinogenic, and you’ll see weird stuff, but if you need divine inspiration, it’s there. You might also act half-lucidly and do stuff in the heat of the episode. This is dangerous for time players.

Rain

Rain is about unstructured, outside-the-box thinking. Items looks STUPID, but by god are the stats godly. They also make you crazier, but a good kind of crazy. The food will make you lose your mind, and it is all kinds of freaky. If someone wants to make Rain stuff, watch out.

Light

Light is about freedom and luck. The items are all lucky and light, and may float away. But if they don’t, then say hello to a lot of luck. In fact, it’s common practice to make a lucky item, then use the luck to make a cheaper, luckier, better item, and keep on snowballing. You will have more luck than an orc bandit who found a 4-leaf clover and got lucky enough to find even more clovers, if you know what I’m saying. 

I’m saying you’ll get really lucky. 

The food is lucky too, but still freedom oriented, so your digestive track may get gaseous, leading to serious health risks.

Law

Law is about locking things down and fact. They are heavier, and you have less things to do with them, but what you CAN do is effective. You may be disallowed from blocking with a sword, but the strikes ring out crits all day. It locks out something so you have a greater chance of doing right. As for food, it is very particular about what it will and will not make. They will be specific shapes, and they will taste like what they should taste like. If you have any kitchen sticklers, they will turn into gourmet nazis basically, and become lethal serious chefs. The french could never be this serious about food. And they are also a lot heavier, so be careful, because it will sink into your stomach.

Time

Time is about the flow of time, and the inevitable end of all things. Time-oriented items have the ability to time travel. This is very good, but please, leave the time travelling to the time traveller. Time food will also time travel. So not eat them. It is a one-way trip and you have no way of knowing your destination.

Space

Space is about physical space and making something from nothing. Space items tend to be BIG, and also have the ability to teleport. I can be unsettling when you put on a fresh shirt, walk in to the bathroom, and oops, you’re in your friend’s kitchen. The weapons are good though, because they have inherently high velocity. So get ready to see body parts and grist fly. The food is also bigger, but has this odd tendency to not stay in your stomach. It might taste good and be filling, but then you’re hungry and a half-digested hunk of meat falls into your bed. Gross.

Hope

Hope is about rejecting everything and the beneficial powers of spite. Items you make will launch away at a very fast speed. Oops. If they don’t fly away, then grab it and use it. They make good weapons, but block as good as shields. There is virtually no difference between a tower shield and a rapier that is Hope-themed. The armour is top notch too. The food is good, and even if it looks rotted, is as good as if it weren’t. In fact, it actually tries to taste better if it’s rotted. However, Hope is still spiteful, and will give you indigestion. Fair warning though, some of these items have feathers on them. Incinerate immediately. Those are angel feathers. They provide Angelic Corruption. Unless you want to murder all your friends and commit suicide for some perceived ascendance, get rid of it. Now.

Stars

Stars is about accepting everything that comes to you and dealing with it. Items will come to you and cling. You can never get rid of these things unless you destroy them. But why would you? Sooner or later, you’ll fall into it and everything will work out. Star food will also show up and it wants to be eaten, but not in a creepy Blood way. It’s more psychological. When you eat it, you’ll be full for a long time. A bag of chips can probably sustain you for a day. Stars is good.

Sight

Sight is about symbolism and considering something from every angle. It’s a weird aspect, but an important one. The things you make are... odd. Like, a sword will be just a large edge, and shirts become chestplates and cloaks. It symbolizes everything, and that can be cool, but is also weird. The food is also symbolic. If it’s good tasting, it’ll look gold. If it’s bad, it actually looks like shit. If it’s plain, it’s a grey square. Regardless, eating them puts you into the Symbolism Fuckoff Zone. It’s freaky, but useful.

Sound

Sound is solidarity and focusing on what is. It makes thing literal and real. It has no documented effect on Alchemy. Fuck Sound.

Coins

Coins is about value and how you need to value something properly. Items are going to have good stats, and it’s going to take a lot of resources, even some you would overlook like basic grist or a ruler. The food is tasty too, and takes a combination of expensive ingredients, and basic ones. Never has ramen tasted this good.

Dust

Dust is about making the best out of nothing. Sometimes we don’t have pristine material, but Sburban Survivors Make Do. The items will be top notch, but costs not that much. A wooden sword can cut though steel. The food however, is not that great. It’s always a cube of protein that tastes like nothing, but is filling. Any comrades who play this game can use this as the gruel to feed your other comrades for cheap.

Joy

Joy is about feeling sure, and how you need to spend less time worrying just dive in. And because irony is fun like that, Joy items are dangerous. It’s been tested, Joy has a rather direct link with Zilly items and the Saccharine Doppelgangers. You can make items, and they feel right. Roll with it. But the second it looks Zilly, nuke it. Food is a little worse. Regular Joy-charged food will make you feel sure you could and should eat it. Even if it’s toxic. And once you start, you won’t stop. They're like pringles, you can’t have just one. And eventually, you’ll make a Zilly Snack. NEVER, EVER, EVER, eat a Zilly snack. I don’t care if you can see your ribs and taste your own stomach, it’s NOT WORTH IT. 

Doubt

Doubt is about feeling nervous, and the safety of being unsure. Items charged with Doubt will make people uncomfortable, allowing you to get more hits in as they cower. However, you will have to face the fact that holding onto this thing feels weird. Even funnier and worse if it’s food. You will look at your soup like no other. Sitting on your plate is an Anxiety Donut. If you work up the nerve to eat it, you will feel dread like no other. Nothing will feel right, and you will sit on the floor and cry. It is not fun.