#sometimes u have to sexualize a mundane experience to make it easier for you to keep on living

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[660feet]

For the question post: 1-92 please 👌🤗

1. I don’t know?

2. Nope nope!

3. If we’re talking lip virginity, yes.

4. Yes and no. S’complicated.

5. Like, like-like? I wish!!! We are so far apart!!!

6. I’m a little exhausted to be properly excited for anything right now.

7. Got that good dick. (Nah, I worked on my college essay, that’s all.)

8. I don’t really care one way or the other. I’ve been around plenty of drunk people to know that “wasted” varies wildly.

9. Confidence can be anything! It depends a lot on the person. When I see my friends are confident, it can be cute or cool as hell! Sometimes both! When my girlfriend is confident, it is hot. And intimidating. Point is, confidence varies!

10. Water!

11. Most of ‘em. Nearly all my best friends are women. Or, wait, no, this is sex not gender? So, are we talkin’ like best friends with a vagina? Cus I dunno, lots still? (I tend to bond easier with people who aren’t men because I’m not traditionally masculine, and I often find traditional masculinity very intimidating! So it’s hard for me to open up to men easily! I still trust very easily, but it’s much easier for me to trust women and nonbinary people than men.)

12. I own multiple, unfortunately. Not a fan, even if they do make me look thiccer than I already am.

13. Be in the spot. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

14. Who knows? Probably one of my friends.

15. I am not. I wish I could kiss the person I’m going out with! Fuck you, spacetime, for creating space.

16. Probably. Change happens every day!

17. Dunno. Probably Finn. But I kinda overshare constantly, soooooo…

18. Yesterday. Life’s hard sometimes! I’m not broken, though, or at least, if I am, I know I’ll get better. Just kinda going through a long rough patch with all this stress.

19. Hmmmmmm…lemme check my sex-tracker, where I log all of my numerous sexual encounters. Ah, still says .5 sexes, so I don’t think I have.

20. Please tell me this isn’t a prank. Or, wait, is this like an existential question? I guess I’m realizing that…like…things kinda suck? I have a hard time dealing with pessimism because I associate it with one of the lowest points of my life, and when I engage in pessimistic behaviors it’s really disheartening and I start to spiral. I’m almost an optimist by my very nature, but also, very much by choice! And it’s…kinda exhausting to be optimistic about everything and be nice and get my hopes up and honestly, the fact that I’ve started to realize that has kinda made me question my whole identity. Also slowly realizing I might be comfortable with they/them pronouns? Not to the point if I know if they’re for me or not, but, y’know, that’s a thing bumping around in my brain now.

21. Sure? Kinda. Yeah, you know what, fuck it, I am. I’m in a good mood.

22. Depends on the shark.

23. Yes!

24. I don’t know.

25. I…also don’t know. That’s genuinely really difficult for me to answer. I almost never know my actual reaction to something until after it’s happened, and my personal code of ethics kinda have this whole thing of like “forgive everyone unless they’ve hurt someone else (but still forgive them if they make up for it).” But the someone else…doesn’t include me. So. Eh. Don’t even know if that would hurt me. I guess I’m okay with whatever? Maybe? Not sure.

26. That it is.

27. I don’t know. I like my girlfriend and she makes me laugh! A lot! But I’m able to mesh with most people?

28. My girlfriend.

29. My. Girlfriend.

30. Y…well, n…fuck, that’s complicated. It’s a case-by-case thing.

31. Nah. Not a big hater of people. At most, I dislike.

32. I sure hope she does!!! I’ve made it very obvious, what with the “us dating” thing!

33. I drink soda.

34. John Mulaney.

35. Yes. I would avoid it if I could, but for the most part, I can’t.

36. Well, I know where she goes to school?

37. Not really, no. I have this one kinda “Nice Guy” friend who believes in “love at first conversation,” and I kinda get that, but also, love is…kinda gradual. I can absolutely understand falling for a person very quickly! I have before! But I also think you have to wait to verify those feelings and whether it’s full romantic attraction or just a passing “damn, you’re hot” thing. But that’s rooted in a deeply personal experience where I acted very promptly on “romantic” feelings, then kinda got abused for a long time over those feelings. It was infatuation turned into dependence, and every day, I worry that that might happen to someone else. I worried it happened to the person who abused me. Like…damn, this question hits a little close to home, maybe?

38. My dad.

39. A girl in theater. She’s my dancing partner for a scene. She feels super awkward about because she’s a freshman and I’m a senior, and A) I get it, believe me, awkward for me too, B) come on, if you wanna be a professional actor, step up your game and get in the moment, dude, and C) E X C U S E Y O U ? It’s way worse for me! I have to dance with a freshman.

40. Well, it started with us cuddling, then I kissed her neck, and it just sort of…escalated. I still don’t know how I feel about that.

41. I don’t remember.

42. Yes, both.

43. I’ve embarrassed myself in front of every crush I’ve ever had, just about. But current one? Oh god yeah! Every day! She flirts with me just a little and I die???

44. I don’t tan?

45. Again, don’t know. She liked kissing me. It was supposed to be a fun thing, but like…I regret it for some weird reason??? I guess I regret it because it didn’t mean anything. I’m stupid and I think…I think some part of me wants everything to mean something or be something grand and impactful. I don’t think I would because I have a policy about not having regrets and apologizing rather than trying to take something back.

46. Yep!

47. My dad.

48. You bet your ass I do!

49. YOU BET YOUR ASS I DO!

50. Once.

51. Sometime in August, I think?

52. I fucking hate most musicals. And that’s not in a cutesy, snarky, “ew, musicals” way. Honest to god, I think I might have some kind of trauma because of my abuser. I was never a fan of most musicals, but Theater Kids (and we are talking the kids who scream and rave about musicals every day or make headcanons and sing their asses off, and that’s great for them, but it is exhausting for me) have ruined that experience for me. People kept trying to make me a fan of them and that made it worse. And then I was in one and that’s how I met my abuser, and it got so much worse after that. And yet here I am, still doing musicals. Being in them is exhausting. Talking about them is exhausting. I don’t mind seeing them, I guess. But some part of me just can’t jive with them. I love Little Shop of Horrors, but that’s just about the only one, really. And I feel really sad when I think about that because my best friend hates it and that’s really distressing for me. Like, it’s the one musical I can really vibe with, totally get into and down to. And they hate it. So, like, cheesy? I guess, since the only one I actually do like is campy as hell.

53. No, not really.

54. Yes!

55. Don’t know.

56. Astronaut (which I can’t be); firefighter; archaeologist; scientist; guitarist in a band; and writer. Which is what I am now. And want to do as a career.

57. Yep.

58. Every fucking day of my life. It’s the worst, because I can’t tell if the thing actually did happen or if that feeling is because all my dreams are some kind of weird, mundane prophecies about my very normal existence.

59. No.

60. Sometimes.

61. Sometimes.

62. Mostly pajamas or just my underwear. I used to sleep in whatever I had on because I was too lazy to get undressed. I used to sleep in jeans a lot.

63. Weird Al.

64. T…Target?

65. I don’t know? Adidas?

66. Neither???

67. Peanuts.

68. I don’t think I have one.

69. I’d like to, but I haven’t.

70. Hm. No clue! I’m not marrying anyone at the moment, so, I don’t know who my future spouse is or what they’d do!

71. No.

72. I wish.

73. Fuck, man, all the time. Finn mentioned linguistics in a presentation once and I actually cried because someone mentioned the thing I love. Hell, I tear up a little now thinking about it. It wasn’t even the focus of the presentation. I just cry all the time.

74. King Dork, Stargirl, or American Gods.

75. Don’t know cus I barely study.

76. Nah. Most scents don’t do anything for me.

77. Yeah.

78. I don’t know.

79. …I think it was the Weird Al one? I dunno. I can’t remember. But I may have only been to one concert in my life so far. Unless we’re counting all the times I’ve seen my friend’s band, but that’s less of a concert more of a “We’re a rad as hell band playing in this basement tonight!’

80. I don’t drink tea.

81. Neither.

82. My dad’s. Literally any of the kinds he makes are good.

83. I used to be able to. I was a really good swimmer. Now I get scared if I have to jump in water. There was one day I actually couldn’t and I froze up on the edge of the pool. And I can’t put my head under because I just kinda…like…forgot how to do the breath thing with swimming. My body’s a fucking mess.

84. Not really.

85. I’d like to think so.

86. Why not both?

87. A couple.

88. No.

89. I have not eaten either.

90. Who gives a shit?

91. Have one in every room!

92. I don’t…I dunno, man. I look at the future a lot, and I just kinda see “single (or at least unmarried) dad and his 50 adopted kids.”

I cannot believe whoever this is asked for all 92.

[summoners-path]

knowing your partner well makes writing together a lot easier. tag this with the people you enjoy roleplaying with but want to get to know better. REPOST. don’t reblog !!

TAGGED BY: @fcyth​ ( thank u! ) TAGGING: i’m uh just gonna tag the first few people in my activity: @notionsandhellebore​, @dreamzanarkands​, @legendaryturk​, @the-lonely-soul​, @lunarxmaiden​ !!

BASICS:

❥ NAME: i tend to go by hedge these days. but i’m fine with just muse names, too. i went by b-chan for the longest time as he was my only muse and i’m still rather fond of it. :3 ❥ AGE: old enough, i guess. i can stop aging anytime now. that’d be swell. ❥ PREFERRED PRONOUNS: people tend to go by the muse and that’s fine by me. ❥ SEXUALITY: lol. ❥ ZODIAC SIGN: i’m a sun-sign gemini with my moon in pisces.

THREE FACTS:

i’m actually really musically talented. it’s a shame that i don’t put more time into the skill. i should. i can play pretty much anything i pick up and i’m great at improvising. i just... don’t like to perform so it’s always felt a waste to spend time on it, just for me.

in general, i love household chores. now, no one loves to scrape the dust out of crown molding. but i love tidying. i love vacuuming and laundry. i like dusting and rearranging things. i like organizing. honestly, anything but dishes, i’m on it.

i really don’t keep up on popular culture. i don’t watch a lot of tv. i’m not big on movies. i’m even really selective about what video games i buy. i just... don’t really care to keep up with that sort of thing. if it’s something i’ll like, i’m sure i’ll hear about it... and without having to sort through all the stuff i won’t.

EXPERIENCE:

❥ HOW LONG (MONTHS/YEARS?): a long time, i think. i’m well into my twenties and i started when i was maybe? twelve or so? i’ve changed my method a lot over the years, but never dropped rp completely. ❥ PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: i started with table-top games ( yes, like d&d! ) and then moved to online forums, instant messengers and livejournal. there was a brief period where i went back to more in-person type stuff. but, then, i found tumblr. ❥ WORST EXPERIENCE: dark souls. i love the games; i hate the fandom. ❥ BEST EXPERIENCE: here. i say this for a lot of reasons tbh. it might actually make a good story sometime, when i feel up to telling it. but this blog has, quite literally, changed my life.

MUSE PREFERENCES:

❥ TYPICAL MUSE GENDER: until i started writing on tumblr, i almost always wrote men. i’ve branched out, though! my multi-muse is mostly women and that’s been fun. ❥ FAVORITE FACE: unpopular opinion here, but i actually despise faceclaims for the most part. i think it takes away from a huge part of the fun... that being using your imagination. suddenly, i’m forced into seeing an actual person who is almost always famous and tied to something else. it’s jarring for me. so, in general, i just... prefer to stay away. ❥ LEAST FAVORITE FACE: ❥ MULTI OR SINGLE: both. this is my only single-muse and i have a multi for everyone else.

WRITING PREFERENCES:

❥ FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: fluff and angst are equal in my book and both are right up there with just general conversation. i know that might seems boring but i honestly like exploring the so-called mundane as someone else. i think it’s healthy and tends to be the majority of what i do. it’s really fun. i guess, then, that means i like crack too as nothing says crack like a series of bad jokes between characters over some tea. as for smut, i like it but i don’t write it very often at all. i’m not very good and i’m also just not comfortable with it in general. i’ll only write it with people i know well ooc. ❥ PLOTS OR MEMES: both. i like the healthy balance.  ❥ LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: again, both. i tend to hold up longer threads longer, but i love short ones too. they’re satisfying as they can be finished in a few days instead of a few months. ❥ BEST TIME TO WRITE: morning, usually before 11am. yes, i’m crazy. i know. ❥ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE: ha. he’s not a self-insert; he certainly didn’t start that way. but we do have a lot in common and tend to have more and more as time goes on. and, honestly, i think that’s the reason i’ve been able to sustain and expand upon him for so long. they say the best writers write what they know and i know him well. we’ve learned a lot from each other.