#sometimes she still names stuff butts but at least she tries and thats more than i ever did

[sea-buns]

there's this baby kitty in my neighborhood whose tail has been injured and as far as we know doesn't have any owners. we finally got her trusting enough to come up on the front porch and sleep, but the rush of power at being on higher ground must have gone to her head cuz she has since completely ignored us for 3 days while she stalks her terrorizer so hard he waits at her feet in fear of her weirdness. well i think the bout of ghosting us when we call for food time might be over cuz this morning there was a bird next to the front mat and she was screaming for sustenance. the thing is, earlier in the morning she was out there yelling but we didn't have time to feed her then. and we only saw the bird when we came back about an hour later so. either it was already there and we missed it or she said 'oh no food? i can trade u want trade? we share?' and ran to go find an offering. but also the bird she brought isn't one we really get at our feeders so this skinny little paperweight of a cat ran a fair distance somewhere and carried this bird that's the size of her head, if not bigger, back uphill, upstairs, through a patio gate, and gently lined it up next to the mat. not even on the mat. it was perfectly parallel but out of the way of where we walk. i maybe should have been more horrified than i was but frankly i've been missing her and i am flattered by the sentiment.

[brainfarts-com]

I want to get this out of my system. Not like anyone gonna see it, but have been bottling it up for years and not let go of it. My parents know the person but dont know the damage. The only person who knows it was damaging, doesn't know the full story. No one knows but me and it has been eating me away from the inside for 7 years. And still no one else will know it, but ill have it down, giving myself a chanse to get it straight.

I changed schools after the 4th grade. My mom didn't like the teachers there so she brought me to a better school. Which was absolutely fine, I missed my best friend a lot but it was a great school with amazing teachers and classmates. Exept Luca. She was something else. She was strong willed and strong worded. She always got exactly what she wanted. Her parents spoiled and phraised her non stop. And she made that everyone elses problem. On my first day in school, I remember her smiling at me... and the next thing I remember is that I was in her friend group (which meant two other girls). It feels like I completely blacked out a few months. From there it was downhill. When I got there, I was an ambivert at least - loving attention, spending time with people and very much a people pleaser. She used that up against me big time. She lowered my self esteem to zero, made me believe I was average, but at least worse in everything than her. She ordered me around like a puppy. It got to a point that I made fun of myself just to entertain her- because I knew that was what she wated to hear. She made me fear her- but I didn't know why I was afraid of her. Thats what got me out of it. I sometimes tried to ask her to stop, because I did feel uncomfortable and like this isnt normal, but it never worked. She said shed change, but after a month she was the same as ever.

After two and a half years I broke down in tears to my mom and when she asked why am I afraid of her, I realized how unrealistic I was. The next day I didn't go to her. When she was standing behind me, shouting my name, I didn't turn around. I was shaking while she said: "pah, it must be one of her tantrums". I didn't sit with the table they sat in, I asked the girl I admired instead if I can sit with them an her table group was surprised, but nice and let me sit there. The rage on her face... That I could betray her... She asked me what is my problem, I said: I just want space... I was shaking so hard. Ever since in stressful situations and confrontations, I shake uncontrolably. Her answer was not nice, bit the best I could wish for- she didn't want to interact with me anymore.

The faces of other people... some even gratulated me and offered to help. The girl I admired said I could hang with them if id like. Thats when I realized, how nice classmates I have. Before i was separated from them by Luca, who made everyone a bad guy. But now they accepted me, talked with me, joked with me. Even tho I became a lone shark most of the time, but I got a lot of support from them. They probably didn't even notice. But that didn't last too long.

Less than two years and high school started. I had no idea, how to interact with people, so I did the same as before. Lone shark, helping out with school stuff. But now that didn't work well- my new classmates didn't care for me, just to get what they wanted. They even made fun of me, sometimes with talking with me like im an idiot, while I helped them with homework and help them on tests. But I was naive and frankly, I had it worse with Luca, this was way nicer than before, so I didn't think much of it.

A miracle that I got a friend. She was nerdy and she was the butt of the jokes as well, but that wasn't why we became friends. We liked the same youtuber. A few months and we were inseparable. But that didn't magically teach me how to be friends with someone. So I did the same as before- listened and acted the way I thought others would like me to be. That was what Luca trained me to do. That was not my friends fault, but it ruined the friendship. Slowly I became empty with no energy to act. I became snappy and quiet, which made her distance herself from me. Later we talked it out but at that time, it was the worse. I had nothing going on, no stimulus, same thing repeating, smiling to teachers and roommates and that empty feeling inside.

At that point, I was barely alive. For years, I told myself: if I wouldn't have friends and family, I wouldn't be worth living. I did not realize, how fucked up that mindset was. Now I didn't have friends, my days became even blanker and acting became harder. I couldn't laugh at a video I found funny- god, I remember that balloon one, I thought: hah, thats funny, but not a chuckle, not a smile, just the thought. And still, I didn't realize what bad of a shape I was in mentaly. I was suicidal, but not outright, the thought made itself normal in my brain, like it is an everyday thing to think of.

My only chill time became YouTube. I didn't have to act while watching. Than I found undertale there. I knew the story and the characters so well while ive never played the game, but I loved it. Once it recommended a let's play of it to me. The thumbnail was pretty and upon seeing how long the video was, I simply said I'll click away if I get bored.

It hit me like a horse kick. My face showed genuent expression for the first time in years. The sheer energy of it, the thing I lacked for years. Only the intro caught me, the happy guy who said it- I binged the whole series. And than went on a Jse channel binge. It was amazing, it gave me life, it made me want to draw more, it gave me the will and energy to live. Soon his and Mark's videos became the thing I awaited the most in a day.

Now I remember, it was half a year after watching them that I became snappy. Because they were nice and they didn't ask me to be someone else. Sean said in so many videos that "you are worth it", and he said so many encouraging words along with Mark that I started to believe them. The way I went about it later with my friend was not good tho. Neither of us adressed the problem, we just... avoided it.

Months went by. I started to heal a little, but also got too attached to both of them. It was unhealthy, I know, but they were all I had who didn't judge me. This was the time when my relationship with my mom started to go down. I didn't meet her high expectations. I started to stand up for myself and told her I don't want to be a dentist or a psichologist. She only realized i'm serious when I didn't get into any college. I took a year off, but she still tried to push me. No matter how many times I told her, she gently manipulated me into going along. Or so She thought. I went on the exams she wanted me to, but I failed one. I didn't put effort in, because I didn't want the goal. And that finally made her accept that I want to be a kindergarden teacher. To this day im listening to "you could have been blah blah", but I dont care.

In that off time i grew a lot. I found the jse community. I stopped being dependant on their content. I started to heal for real. I slowly built myself an ego and expand myself. The things I should have done years ago, when I was a kid. When I was taken that chanse away.

Luca. She made my life so difficult and I dont think, she knows it. I could bet that she didn't see herself damaging. I bet she still doesn't see that. But... that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me back my lost time. It doesn't matter. I ended up how I am now because of her. While it was a tough road, there are things that I wouldn't be the same without her. I wouldn't have the community. I wouldn't have the friends I do now. I wouldn't be the same, the me I worked so hard for. Of course, if she wouldn't intervine, itd be easier. Probably, who knows. I think it would be. But moarning on it won't change it. I have set my motto to be "Don't worry about the things you can't change, it only causes you more stress", but I havent applied it to this situation.

It is time to do it. It is time to let go of those bad feelings. Of course thats easier said than done, but I have the power to it. I allow myself the time to do it. She is my past, a past that shaped me but doesn't define me.

It is time to be unapologeticly me

[emziley]

All of the even numbers!

MVP for being the first ask I got...ever XD (also, sorry It took so long! I was almost done then my computer died and I had to restart D: )2. Do you have any nicknames?Emi, Milly, Em, Emziley (But I rarely use that aside from screen names) also, Jade 4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?probably at my butt! or at least lower back....its almost back at that length 6. Favorite flavor?Blue8. Are you friends with any of your exes?Yes! and hes married to my best friend now too :)10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?I text how I would normally speak so not very accurate? but also not like text talk12. Creamy or chunky peanut butter?Creamy! Who eats chunky?14. DC or Marvel?Yes. Mostly Marvel16. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer?There’s a small note taped on it XD its my moms computer so not really. but If I had my own there would be stickers all over it!!18. Do you read any magazines?Not really20. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?I never tried starbucks!22. Last show you binge watched?Voltron?24. Favorite Disney princess?me!- just kidding, Probably Elsa! (Does she count?)26. Favorite thing to cook for yourself?I CAN MAKE FISH!!! Its one of the very few things I can make so I’m glad I like fish xD28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?Probably?30. Any styles of music you do not like?Country? I mean some songs are good but---32. Have you ever gotten a ticket while driving?I can’t drive :( 34. Showers or baths?I’ve been really wanting to take a bath and I haven’t been able to, so bath.36. Are you fluent in more than one language?I’d like to be, but I’m not.38. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?I don’t know? probably around 200lbs40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?Yes. moving on.42. Favorite non-chocolate candy?Jolly ranchers :D44. If you could have one superpower, which one would you most like to have?Teleportation. Then I dont have to drive! Or walk... XD46. From 1-10, rate your dancing ability.4? 48. From 1-10, rate your driving ability.Idk like a 5 for when I started to learn? 50. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?Moutain Dew. The worst shit for you52. Spring or autumn?Im alergic to spring so autumn xD54. Can you play any musical instruments?Yes! A guitar! Kind of piano, I want to learn more. Someone once told me "learn to play a little of any instrament you can get your hands on"56. How easily do you cry?Very. 😧58. Favorite YouTube channel?ArtfulImpersonator :v (and not just because you're asking) 60. How long have you known your best friend?Wich one? About 5 years ago? 62. Last CD you bought?Ed Sheeran for my sister for christmas 💜64. Have you ever been broken up with?Yes,66. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?2 and a half years, and yes :) 68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?Multiple! And I would love to again. 70. Have you ever sexted?😶 yeah~ 72. Real or fake Christmas trees?Story time! Once we got a real tree and it had a nest of spiders in it. Never again will we get a real tree. Ours has "snow" on it :) 74. How well can you write in cursive?Pretty well! You might be interested to know I learned at a young age because they thought it would help me with my dyslexia! 76. Do you like any boy bands?Hahhahahahahaha. Most. 78. Have you ever gotten any stitctopic. Thankfully not! I think I'd panic too much tbh80. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?I still have socks from when I was seven? But I also have old sweaters from my grandparents which are probably older than me82. Have you ever dyed your hair?Yes! It was rainbow at one point 😃84. How long have you been at your current job?Currently don't have a job :/86. Phrase you say the most?Well fuck. 88. Have you ever gotten fired from a job?No. 90. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout?I've been both! XD girlscouts we just colored, venture crew (boyscouts) we did alot of fun stuff but it didnt last because the troop was dying out to the point it was me and my sister and one other person holding it together92. Do you eat meat?Yes, though im not a big meat eater94. Worst habit?Hating myself... 96. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes98. Do you consider rapping singing?Not really? 100. Favorite store to shop at?Cleché but hot topic102. Favorite Pokémon?Piplup! I want a real one. 104. Do you drink alcohol at all? If so, what is your drink of choice?I don't drink much, but usually Mikes hard lenonade (of various flavors) but I did have a sangrea last night which was pretty good! 106. Favorite type of cookie?Peanut butter blossoms or oreos108. Biggest pet peeve?I don't know actually? 110. Favorite literary character?Probably Karkat Vantas xD does homesuck count? 112. Do you wear or have your ever worn glasses? Yes, sense I was 2 actually xD114. Have you ever been the victim of a prank? Yeah, nothing too bad though! 116. Have you ever taken a nude selfie?Maybe......... Yes. 118. Favorite fandom?They all have their downsides but homestuck basically rearranged my entire life and had such an influence both good and bad so I think I want to go with homestuck120. Have you ever snorted when you laughed? All the time xD122. Favorite Disney song?Let it go is fun to sing~124. Random girls’ name.Melony126. How many people are in your nuclear family?4 and a cat so that's 5128. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?INFP-T (i think thats Mayers-Briggs?) 130. Biggest regret?Art school 132. Do you like any soap operas?XD no, I like to pretend Im in one sometimes though. Its fun. 134. What sports team(s) do you root for? Uh hufflepuff quittich team? 136. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender?Yes. XD then we dated. 138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised. When my partner changed their mind from "I'll think about it" to "yes"140. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was done?Yeah, I REALLY had to pee... 142. Is sex before marriage wrong?Not nessisarilly, as long as both people want sex, go for it! 144. Can you handle spicy food?Not as much as I used to and that upsets me :(146. Do you like MTV?Not really~148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?Steven Universe xD150. Where do you think is the best place to meet a new lover?Anywhere! If you're having fun at a place and they're having fun at the same place (or chatroom :v) ans you hit it off and eventually date and~ 152. Favorite thing to do outside?Look at (and take pictures of) nature. 154. Do you say “y'all” at all?Yes xD156. Do you believe in evolution?Yes? 158. Favorite Beatles song?Ob-la-di ob-la-da (I think thats the name?) 160. Have you ever been to Disney World or Disneyland?Yes! And preformed there ;D162. Do you like to go fishing?I don't have the patents for that tbh164. Do you take medication for anything? Yes, for Epilepsy. Thank you for reminding me to take it! 166. From 1-10, how much do you like children? 3 maybe? If they're well behaved.... 168. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?Yeah, no. Nope. Not doing it. 170. Do you collect anything?I uses to collect giraffes xD and still have alot of them! But Yeah, I have a few collections. 172. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?Not yet. Soon. 174. What was your favorite toy to play with when you were a child?My mind xD nah probably babrie dolls? 176. Have you ever learned anything from a how-to YouTube video?Like everything. { :v still cant brush wigs without watching your video and crying... } 178. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Yeah~180. Do you have a pool at your house?Yes. 182. Do you like karaoke?Sometimes? 184. Have you ever ran a marathon?Hahahahaha. Nob:(186. Any guilty pleasures?Yes.............. Yes. 188. Do you live in a house or an apartment?House. 190. Worst job you’ve ever had?Im not sure you could call it a "job" but I worked at a haunted house where they gave you "cash prizes" for the days you worked. I missed the first few days because I was in the hospital and told him I couldn't be near strobe lights. Unfortunatly I was put by the strobe lights. I worked 2 days, desided I was more trouble than I was worth and never went to pick up my money. I stilk get a little anxiety thinking about it tbh. 192. Were you ever voted homecoming/prom king or queen? Nah :p kinda wish I ran but~194. Have you ever gotten detention? I don't think so? 196. Have you ever taken a road trip just for the fun of it? Yes! My family used to have mini rode trips alot... Recently though me and my dad went on two big ones, one to california 2 years ago and colorado a few weeks ago! 198. Were you a part of any academic clubs in high school or college?No... 200. How long have you been on tumblr?4ish years?(Thank you 😁)

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #7: Living in the Moment.

Written: 12/22/2016

She looked down at her watch, apparently only five minutes had passed since she was informed that she has the bug, the disease with the name that sounds helpful but is anything but, and she wasn’t sure if she should get up and leave or if she should just continue to sit in silence, but eventually she left. She finally put her phone down, got off of the couch, and left her house to talk a walk around the woods by her house, to get her mind off of things.

As she walked down the cracked sidewalk and took in the warm Summer air, the way the light hit everything that made all of the colors so much brighter, even the yellow of her sun dress gave off a glow, she questioned who gave it to her in the first place. It was definitely her fault that she was infected with AIDS, she touched a stranger’s blood at least once a month so she knew it was her fault really since she never got herself tested. To her it always seemed like something you got from sex or dirty needles, but, she kicked a bright red can into a puddle, it landed with a soft but satisfying plop, she should’ve paid more attention to the hazards that came with her night life, but hindsight is 20/20. She enjoyed taking big breathes of the warm air, and took her time walking to the woods that loomed in the distance. She wasn’t necessarily sad right now, she turned that feeling off for the moment, she was just peaceful. She had a firm grasp of her own mortality and she now knew around when and how she would die, and it was comforting in a sense.

When she got to the last house on the street, before the dead end, she saw Mrs. Applesworth watering her lawn, then the old woman saw her too and waved her over. “How are you doing Gloria? Nice day isn’t it?” The first question a formality, the second one genuine.

"Yeah its beautiful. Its a shame that fall will be here soon enough.��

“Well thats why theres nothing better than the now.” The old woman laughed and Gloria did too, but not in agreement but because she knew the old woman used this phrase because in an hour or so her husband would be home, and would probably get drunk and beat her like he usually did. He was a traveling salesman and was so used to the job that it pained him to come home, so he took it out on his wife the same way his father did onto him. “You going for a walk in the forest?” It was a common spot for Gloria to visit.

“Yeah, I figured might as well until it gets dark. How’s it going with Mr. Applesworth?”

“Wonderfully,” she said looking at Gloria from behind her sunglasses with a black eye, “Marriage is a struggle for some, but when you find the right man,” she gave a genuine smile, “life becomes beautiful.” Nothing like living in the moment.

“Have a good day then!” Gloria said cheerfully, resuming her walk.

“You too! And be careful of the critters in there!”

“You know I will.”

She climbed over the wooden barrier that marked the end of this civilized area and the start of the wilderness, around it there were almost always beer cans and cigarette butts from the local teenagers who would always hang out here, only venturing in the woods to fuck each other. When she entered the woods she never looked back until she knew that she was far enough in for the neighborhood and fences to be out of sight, she liked to be fully immersed. It was beautiful that day and she took in the smell of pine and almost forgot why she went in the first place, until she apathetically remembered that she was marked for death, which gave her a chuckle. When she heard the stream running nearby she looked behind her to see nothing but trees, undergrowth, and dirt, no signs of people anywhere, this was her happy place.

She walked down stream for some time until she reached the charred tree, split in half, killed by lightning, that formed a makeshift bridge over the stream. She crossed this, then kept walking until she found the spot she was dead set on visiting, the large white rock. To anyone else the area was just a clearing with nothing but dirt and a sun bleached boulder dead center, but to her this was her real life, the one she hid away back in civilization. She walked in circles around the stone, examining the forest bed, and then finally stopped and started brushing the dirt off of one area. Realizing she should’ve brought a trowel, since taking a shovel into the woods looks fairly suspicious, she left the clearing for a bit to find something to dig with, and she returned with a flat stone that she used as a shovel head to dig away the earth.

She was finally greeted by a face, albeit rotted, of a man in his mid forties, hair balding, thick mustache, physical features now murky. She leaned in close to him, “Was it you?” No response. He was some married used car salesman who made the mistake of coming on to her at a local bar. She knew he was married because she wasn’t his first option that night and one of his marks had informed him, angrily, that he still had his wedding ring on, but he was quick to recover, slipped it into his pocket, and then sat down next to Gloria, trying the same damn routine that he tried with the last girl. She couldn’t remember what he said because she didn’t have to listen, her head swelled with the contempt she had for the man and she knew all she had to do was nod every once and a while, laugh when he laughed, and when he’d make the inevitable, and disgusting, offer of taking the conversation elsewhere she’d agree and leave with him.

During those car rides she was always incredibly forward, usually not long after driving, when the area seemed about right, she would start stroking his crotch, kiss his neck, then tell him to pull over, she couldn’t wait. This made the sap too excited to realized that they were out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, just empty streets and empty buildings. She told him she had protection, to which he replied with something like “Dirty girl” or “You came prepared, didn’t you?”, but she was used to these pathetic responses and they all just kind of blended together in her mind, one big blur of disgusting old men. He started taking off his shirt in the meantime, she remembered because he was more excited than the others had been, and when he pulled his shirt off of his head she lunged her tazer into his neck and he jerked around like a fish out of water.

Later when the car was on fire somewhere, and she was wheeling him in a wheelbarrow through the woods, while he tried to mumble something and figure out what was going on, she reached the clearing and dumped him out onto the soil. He, being very disoriented, tried to get to his feet but she was already above him, her bat moving swiftly in a downwards arc, cracking his skull and leaving blood to splatter aggressively against her and the rock behind her. She then kept up the tradition of hitting him until she got it out of her system and then would proceed to bury him for a while, sometimes stripping naked to mock her prey, showing that death was the only way to see her naked, it was the price they paid for their disgusting habits.

Looking back on this she realized this general ritual is how she was infected. Sanitation and health concerns never really came to mind and now she was sick from a very preventable disease. The clearing now made her feel stupid, so she brushed the dirt over the salesman’s exposed and ugly face and began to leave the woods, realizing that she should’ve stayed home. On the walk out, which was beautiful with the way the sunset had hit the forest, she saw several doe grazing off in the distance, but no buck to watch them. She scanned all around the forest, turning in circles, to find their protector, but he was nowhere to be found, so she kept walking. The does watched her intently as she left, even though they were a hundred feet a way they still felt vulnerable to this unknown element, this possible predator lurking in their woods.

When she reached the barrier to the woods, and climbed over into the dead end, she saw Mr. Applesworth’s car pulled into their drive way and she could hear lots of shouting, but like the rest of that awful neighborhood she just ignored it and moved on. The neighborhood was less interesting in the dusk, the street lights had started to turn on and when she reached her house she just decided to plop herself on the curb out front. Several teens were making their way down the street, probably to go hangout at the dead end, and when they passed her she bummed a cigarette off of them. At first they were hesitant, but then she could tell they were then able to make out her face in the dark and handed one over flirtatiously. While she lighted it, they started to try to strike up a conversation with her, and while having to stuff down the urge to burn one of them in the eye she just ignored them and kept smoking, and after enough time they gave up and walked away towards the dead end, one of them muttering “icy bitch” under his breath.

She didn’t know how long she wanted to sit out there for, but she just stayed out there anyways. She started to think about her elderly neighbor, whose husband had stopped yelling some time ago, and she could see had drunkenly left to the garage to work on his car, he probably liked the thing more than his wife. She dropped what was left of her cigarette on the ground and stamped it out. She looked over at the woman’s house and realized that she was right about living in the moment, but only because of their situations. Gloria realized that both her and the old woman’s chances of dropping dead by the end of the year were pretty high, so there was no reason to really worry about it and it would just be easy to enjoy life and enjoy the little things as they happen, there is no longer a big picture, just brief existence than nothing. She wouldn’t have to worry anymore of her past, of the horrible things her softball coach had done to her, her parents not listening, her sanitary negligence, or her potential future of incarceration, which was now inexistent. She’d probably be dead by then, and the thought brought a smile to her face, nothing like the now.

She watched the teens hanging out at the dead end with distaste, all they did was smoke, drink, and talk loudly about a lot of shit that didn’t matter. After a little while of this she went back inside her house, walked to the kitchen, and rummaged around her cabinets until she found a bottle of whiskey, a quarter of it already drunken. Then she grabbed a small knife, opened the bottle, pricked her finger, and let some droplets make their way into the dark brown liquid, until she was sure there was enough disease inside. Then she shook it up, and hoped that the teenagers, who she was going to thank for lending the cigarette, were ignorant enough about whiskey to not notice.