#sometimes i would make a deviantart journal and post a link for others to join and it was always fun !

[ehnrat]

late night thinkin about what if i did art streams again :0c

[normalcartoonic]

I’m sorry...

Hello there, I know I won't be accepted forgiveness right away as I have a feeling you don't trust me, but I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being pushy, I'm sorry for complaining, I'm sorry if I hurt you, I'm just sorry for everything. All I am is a loser with low self esteem that complains from time to time that everyone thinks I'm a liar. And I can't blame you as I feel like I'm a nobody to anybody. All I want was trying to be best person, but everything just pushes me down that I don't know who I am anymore.

Ever since I joined the internet, I've been worrying that there's a few people that would try to push me down that I can't think properly and feel like I'm nothing. Sometimes I would just push it aside and take a glimpse and take account on it's about. But he most recent event that dragged me down that made me felt like I don't belonged was around late 2019 when a friend showed me a callout post that some random person on the internet about me. I don't even know about this user until my friend showed me the journal. Most of the stuff the user said about me I can understand and I can't deny it as they exploit I draw some things people don't like (SOME things). But I felt like the user wasn't telling the entire truth as they showed that my naughty stuff (mainly pinups) weren't filtered, which is unture as I actually put some of the art under a mature filter. Either the artist may've had the mature filter off or just want to lie. Either way, I made some posts about it and all the user did was trying to make it worse. Not only that, but I found out that there's a blog on tumblr that calls out certain Mr. Men fandom users for actions they don't like, mainly those that possibly hate for not being pure, and I was in it. I didn't thought about it for a while until a week or two ago after I saw some Mr. Men servers on tumblr that I wanted to join and see who was part of it. But after trying to join, I was unexpectedly kicked out for no reason. I understand that not everyone is not gonna accept me, but at the same time that it still feels unfair that I was given the treatment, as I only just joined and didn't done anything wrong on the server. And I know there's people in the server that don't like my stuff, but it's not like I was gonna break the rules as I was gonna be on my best behavior. Besides, it's not like I'm the only one that draws NSFW Mr. Men stuff as there's other artists hidden that do similar things like that. Regardless, I decided to just give up on that Mr. Men server as I feel like I'm never gonna be part of it and they only want pure members. In hindsight, I wish my one friend never told me about that post as all it did was making feel miserable and think that everyone is gonna turn against me, which it kinda did as that blog made those servers think I'm bad person. If I hadn't heard about it, I would've been happy and oblivious and not care about what is going on.

Which leads me to another user that is somewhat connected to it. As some of you know, I've been doing the anthro takes of the Mr. Men characters based on what a friend of mine did for years and wanted to do that style as it was very comfortable doing that format, plus she did some questionable things with those takes so they didn't care if anybody else uses that take. A month ago, there was an artist I found out on tumblr that did some very cute drawings that made me jealous that I kinda wish I have that style. This artist did their take of one of my favorite characters Miss Calamity as I like the design of their human take and wanted to do their of it. I know some of you are gonna say that I should've looked at their twitter before drawing that take of the character and asked the artist to use permission on drawing their take of the character. But the thing is that I only know the artist through tumblr and I was just looking at the art they posted and didn't know about their twitter until recently. And even then, they may've blocked my twitter accounts beforehand (and possibly my tumblr account as I get an error reblogging their pieces), so I can't have any contact with the artist. And the problem with the humanized Miss Calamity design is that unlike an OC where it's 100 percent owned by the artist, a humanized take of a character from a show or film is a bit iffy as that character is owned by the company and I doubt that. And I had no other way to contact the artist and don't know what their friends are that I can pass telephone, so rather than waiting for a long time, I decided to go ahead to experiment two pieces. Sometime after venting on getting banned from the Mr. Men server I just joined, I cooled off for a bit and after talking with one of her friends and heard that that she was upset. I told them to pass an apology message about the whole mess. They don't want to talk to me directly, but they at least they know what is going on and accepted my apology.

So any future humanized Mr. Men pictures made after the two Miss Calamity pieces I drew a month ago (both safe and the explicit one) are not gonna be in that format anymore, and would go back to the previous style as it's more safe compare to the real human designs. In hindsight, I wish I never heard of this artist in the first place as I felt like finding out their human takes of the Mr. Men characters only soured out relationship more and it's unlikely we'll talk, which is sad as I like their art and felt like we could've been decent friends if things weren't exploited about me out in the open.

So what am I gonna do now? The first thing I'm gonna do is to put most of my NSFW stuff I put as links on DeviantArt under a paywall. I'm sorry for those that like my NSFW stuff, but after seeing some corners of the fandom don't like how my stuff is getting exposed that some people don't want to talk to me, I'm putting most of my stuff as payware through my patreon. So anything that wasn't under payware will be part of the treatment (alts included). Pinups are still gonna be under mature filters. If you're cheap and don't want to pay for them, go find some of them on other sites. I'm still gonna draw NSFW, but for safety reasons the more explicit stuff be mostly payware. And some of the taboo stuff won't be posted here (which doesn't matter as I just stopped doing it years ago after two posts). The second thing is that I cut some people out of my life that are just making my life hard for the past few years, like one that was friendly at first but later started to mock me over the years rather than telling me what I'm drawing wrong, and another person on twitter that was encouraging me to draw more NSFW that only made some people to not like me anymore. Now like I said, I'm still gonna draw that stuff, but it'll be under strict filters and payware after what happened. Some people that don't like me for drawing that stuff won't accept me back, but at least that's a start.

As of for what's ahead for me, I'm not sure at the moment. I just feel like I'm not meant to have any friends at all, either because of who I am, my actions or something is not related to me. All I know is that I'm still gonna draw stuff that would often pop into my mind, though I'm gonna be more careful unlike what happened recently. But we're all human and we all make mistakes. I'm also just gonna ignore anything about me that brings me down as all I want is to try to make myself happy as all that blog did was making me feel upset and feel like nobody is gonna like me on trying to exploit a lot of things about me. I know criticism is meant to make you be stronger, but some of it felt like it was trying to make be someone else that people want me to be, and all it does was just making me feel unhappy. And let's be honest, my life sucks, I have no friends and the whole world is against me no matter what I do. All I want is to be happy and do whatever I feel is right. So again, I'm sorry if were you hurt by me or feel like you were turned off by me either because of my content or how I was behaving. It's nobody's fault.