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hollyhomburg · 4 years ago

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Reasons Wretched and Divine (Pt. 7)

(Hybrid au) (YoonMinJoon x Reader) (Mafia au)

Summary: After years of abuse, you’ve all finally found each other. But for one of you- the fear still lingers, hidden in the shadows. Yoongi doesn’t want much, just a few more weeks, but he only has until the end of the summer.

Parings: Snake hybrid! Yoongi x Dog hybrid! Jimin x Dog hybrid! Namjoon x Pregnant! Reader, Platonic Vmin, allusions to 2seok,

Genre: Hybrid au, Polyamory au, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery, Pregnancy, Mafia au

Tags: Domestic abuse, references to sexual abuse- and choosing to have sex even though you’ve been through sa, physical abuse, polyamory negotiations, Post-traumatic stress disorder, mute characters, brief gore at the end, pregnant m/c, frottage, marking kink, fingering, oral f. receiving, Voyeurism, exhibitionism, implied death but dont worry I do not write MCD!!!!

A/n: just for posterity's sake! i was drunk when i posted this! enjoy! full gangbang comes in (y/n) next chapter! (oh god im going to hell).

W/c: 10.5k

Song Rec: Like Real People do ~ Hozier

~ Series Masterlist ~

2 Years Earlier

- If Jeon Jungkook where so esoterically inclined, he would write a book on how he had become the most dangerous man in the underworld. It would be a short book though; because Jungkook had only 2 rules for himself. The first was to always get up after he’d been hit during a fight (even if it took him a second) and the second was to know when to mind his own business.

- Jungkook was always able to get up after being hit, Even when he’d been a street kid, with not a penny to his name and a whole lot of anger in his mouth. ready to spit vitriol at anyone who would pause and listen. He’d always been able to get up. The pain giving him a kind of sick clarity that he eventually sought out instead of tried to escape. Jungkook could never think as clearly as he did during a fight; or when he was in pain. And that was probably because of his father.

- But whatever. That man was 6 feet under, (his mother on the other hand- no- that bitch certainly had more than one dept to pay still). He didn’t have a lot of time or energy to put into dealing with that particular trauma (why he honestly felt like sometimes- he liked being hit). Most of his energy went into staying alive. Even now- when living and surviving teetered on the same edge. Jungkook had more pressing matters to tend to than dealing with his own fragile mind.

- The way he would get up and hop around for a second to soak in the clarity after being hit during a scuffle was one of the reasons why he’d been given his street name: The Playboy Bunny; further set in stone with his tattoo of the same moniker under his left eye. A cheekbone he’d tap and say “you want to hit me? why don’t you try your luck and see how well it turns out for you.”

- He was doing reconnaissance, Sneaking around the back alley with his hood up and his glasses on- disguising his black eye that was sure to get more than a few looks from passers-by. The ears of the playboy bunny tattoo peeking out over the top of his mask.

- He keeps his eyes on the crowd waiting for some sort of handoff- to see anything at all. But he’d lost his target through the crowd and has no drive to find them in the dizzying rush of people and umbrellas. Not yet. Not when the hum of addiction lurks in his veins.

- Jungkook pauses lighting a cigarette, when a commotion to the side hidden around a corner- blurs his concentration. The world snapping back into focus when he sinks his fingernails into his palm. Terse voices. A couple fighting in the alleyway perpendicular to his.

- Minding his own business was a particular skill of his- it took one kind of person to know when to step in, and another to know which problems weren't worth the headache. And unless it involved the acquisition money or some step therein, it wasn’t a problem worth getting into in Jungkook’s opinion.

- But Jungkook can’t stop his ears from hearing snippets of conversation, a low and angry male voice. The sound of a smack. “You just had to embarrass me like that, didn’t you? First, you come out dressed like a slob and then you act like a fucking whore- I swear if I see you give eyes to another man this week I'll beat you five ways to Sunday”

- The sound of a soft female voice, so quiet- almost indistinguishable from the pouring rain, “I wasn’t-” another smack.

- Jungkook has been hit so many times he knows the sound of it, the ragged gasp the woman lets out, also quite- like even the pain takes up too much space.

- His body starts to move before his mind thinks it through as he gives up position in favor of investigating the noise. There he sees it, ivy growing up the wall next to the back exit of some restaurant. A woman, small crouching in front of a grotesque man. A baggy coat buttoned tight around her small form. hair swept back in a tight bun. Red lipstick smudged. Though you check your hands and think its blood for a moment before you remember you’re wearing it.

- Jungkook waits for a moment before he watches you stand on shaky legs. you get up.

- The rest of the underworld might be old grudges and blood feuds but Jungkook was only here to be a businessman. He didn’t have time for ego and arrogance, let alone time for altruism...

- Usually.

- He looks on for a moment, too sluggish without nicotine, but Jungkook’s lingering stare almost seems to spur the man on. He’s wearing a jacket with a military patch, a badge; some sort of congratulation for service done no doubt. and Jungkook feels his distaste for the man deepen.

- “What you looking at punk?” he slurs. Stalking forward as if to shove Jungkook. He almost wants to tut- that would be an expensive action. Jungkook wonders if the man is maybe high or drunk or both. He’s has had his fair share of experience with junkies and he knows one when he sees one.

- “Nothing, just a pig beating his girlfriend.” The man settles for shoving Jungkook back. And Jungkook lets him. You don’t look up, don’t do anything but lean to the side, like the brick wall is the only thing keeping you up. Jungkook sees the back of your hand, black and blue, the other bruises on your neck. You only make eye contact with him once. Just slightly. Barely in passing.

- You look like Jungkook used to look. He remembers in the savage bite of an open-handed slap- the fear he sees in your eyes. He looks and looks. And it aches so viscerally as Jungkook watches you go, your hurt echoes through him. You look beaten down and broken like Jungkook used too; before he’d decided he was done taking punches from people who were supposed to love him- Were supposed to care.

- (Before he realized life wasn't supposed to hurt)

- He’s never been one to feel things for other people, the empathy sparing him through most of the suffering he’s seen. It’s not that he’s unfeeling; it’s just that Jungkook’s life has forced him to feel concerned only for himself and no one else. His own survival is his first priority; Not others.

- He watches you walk away, And you don’t look back at him. Rushing to keep up with your husband's steps. He waits until you disappear into the crowd before he lifts his phone to his ear and makes a call. “Hey, I need you to flag all of the cars that leave the parking lot, they’re just a couple, should be coming to you soon.”

- Jeon Jungkook had become the most powerful man in the underworld because of two reasons; by being able to take punches, and by knowing when to mind his own business.

- But For this, Jungkook thinks he can make an exception.

- (You won't remember meeting Jeon Jungkook, but Jungkook will always remember you).

~.~

Now

-It comes as no surprise that your little speech fades after a few days and the rest of the hybrids quick to return to treating Yoongi with a mix of disdain and fear. Though mostly- this seems to be caused by Minhyung's group and the other canine hybrids. Namjoon hears them whispering about ‘favoritism’ before they catch on that he’s listening in. And in the days following your impromptu departure from the farm, you find people quiet even further whenever Yoongi's brought up. Staring when Yoongi comes close, afraid to interact with him.

- Even Jimin is greeted mostly with silence from all but a few. The bunny hybrids don’t act so skittish anymore, and the cat hybrids could care less used to sticking to their own group. Taehyung seems to have encouraged the other bear hybrids to make an actual effort and they at least say hello now. It’s better than the derisive comments of the dog hybrids, or the snooty noses stuck high in the air of the dear hybrids and other exotic breeds.

- They know Jimin is close to Yoongi and Namjoon, and now he feels even more like an outsider that before (somehow it doesn't matter as much as before). The only ones who don’t act overtly different are the new hybrids; Hoseok and the small lion hybrid. but They were never around to learn how to hate Yoongi in the first place.

- it's a little cute- the way that Hoseok will always shout Yoongi's name in greeting (though you're unsure if that's just his personality now that he's started to grow into himself). Hoseok is unbothered by Yoongi's reaction; to shy away from anything that will draw more attention to himself. But Hoseok's smile is so bright and elastic that even he has a hard time ignoring the otter hybrid. You hope there will be a friendship there eventually, that yoongi will open up to more than just your group.

- The little lion kit is a new addition too, she's not the only young feline hybrid you have at the farm but she is the friendliest. She gets pretty close to the other cats that work in the kitchen almost instantly. Probably on account of her young age (she's barely 7) and the eldest cat hybrid seems to be particularly fond of the little one.

- She's curious and kind to Yoongi too- excitedly running up to him more than once to show him a little rock or some flower she found- and yoongi will marvel and nod, and if Jimin is near- he'll lean close and tell her how pretty it is.

- She doesn't seem at all deterred by Yoongi's lack of voice. one day she even sees Jimin, her ears perking up excitedly, tail swishing. "Hello Yoonies voice!" it's a little cute- even if it does make yoongi splutter a little. But she's not exactly wrong; Jimin does talk for yoongi more these days.

- She Always comes bounding up to you and giggling happily to be picked up. Her little legs stretching around your waist, small bottom sat atop your baby bump. Making you get the kind of look that makes Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jimin sigh and look impossibly fond. They can only imagine what you’re going to be like once your little one is born. Your due date is barely 2 months away.

- In truth- you’re starting to get a little bit big. You say it one morning with Namjoon. After he asks you why you’re looking into the mirror with such a displeased expression. The sound of your terse voices alerts Yoongi and he comes to the door to your bedroom to witness your spat. Making a flippant hand movement at Namjoon to back off. Namjoon could smell your distress on you when you looked in the mirror, his voice tense but breaking. “Baby just tell me, why you think you’re not beautiful like that? let me understand. Cuz to me- you look more irresistible every day.”

- It’s not that you exactly wanted him to agree with you that you were nearing the size of a whale- but this doesn’t help at all either. His unending insistence- doesn’t he see? when he looks in the mirror doesn’t he see what you do? His instance that everything is alright doesn't help when you’re feeling this self-conscious.

- Yoongi helps you, fiddling with Namjoon’s closet for a second before he pulls out an extra-large white shirt of his and helps you into it- tying it loosely over your baby bump so that it flatters your waist a little more. The attention that Yoongi shows you clearly making you flustered. Then he drags you to the mirror, tugging your hair out of its bun, the tension going out of your shoulders.

- Yoongi doesn’t know it, but Namjoon does. Your late husband used to always be so particular about your hair, yanking on it harshly if it was left down. and An easy way to avoid him yanking on it was to leave it up. And sometimes you still pull it up convinced it’s safer even though he’s dead and gone. It’s scary how simple it is- but the second your hair comes down your whole body relaxes.

- All the while Namjoon watches from your bed. And you take in yourself, the baby hairs free-floating against your forehead; Yoongi curls one gently around his finger and then lets it go. You take in the way that the fabric hangs now, making you look a little more proportional, Yoongi gives you a satisfied smile behind your back and you have to sigh and admit it. “Okay- okay- I’ll give you this- I’m not a whale”

- “And even if you where you’d be a pretty whale.” Yoongi has the good sense to hurl a pillow in Namjoon’s direction, but it makes you laugh all the same- the heaviness in your chest abated a little. Your sleeve brushing Yoongi’s as you head downstairs, Namjoon trailing behind.

- The beach trip was a nice distraction from chores but the real work comes crashing down on them the next few days. Your little group feels closer than ever, you rarely part from any of them for long and their intention, their little acts of care never fail to make you feel flustered and taken care of.

- Jimin always holds out a hand for you to take when you’re stepping over uneven ground, Yoongi makes a startled noise whenever you so much as get close to a hose that might trip you, always gesturing for you to pause and take a break whenever you’re working in the garden. Namjoon too, always running back and forth from whatever project he’s working on to check on you and make sure you have water or food.

- At night, Namjoon takes your stretch mark cream from you, rubbing down your baby bump and your hips, the little lines of lighter skin on your waist get little kisses from him.

- Even if you want just a snack, Namjoon and Yoongi will bring you a full meal- convinced that you need to be eating more than you are. At dinner Yoongi fills up your plate- piling it high with more food then you could fit in your already crowded tummy. And he always eyes you suspiciously when you can’t finish the full plate. Namjoon too will level you with a look- asking if you really are full.

- Since your pregnancy has progressed, you’ve become a little moodier, and a little hornier whenever way the wind blows. And Namjoon doesn’t help that much at all- and by that you mean, he makes it worse. When he comes out of the field with his shirt off and tucked into his shorts all of his thickness, his muscles that make you ravenous.

- During lunch one day he drags you away to a forgotten tool shed, though it would be easier just to go up the hill to your bedroom- you feel like teenagers sneaking around like this.

- Namjoon presses into you as he hits the latch on the door, muffling your giggles with kisses as you hide from the hybrids outside, voices that you can dimly hear, unable to pick out any one particular yet- but you know they're there.

- You and Namjoon might bicker like an old married couple. But you also act like teenagers gooey and giggly and so so so in love. “Do you think that they can hear you like this? Or smell you, my love?” Namjoon is always quick to tell you how delectable you smell when you’re horny. His more sensitive nose-picking it up the second you feel a slickening between your thighs.

- You’re shaky when you respond. “I don’t know, maybe?” Namjoon always has this passionate intense air about him. He’s slightly possessive- but you’d never fault him for that not when it’s all about protecting and providing for you. Not when he always puts your pleasure first (you feel like you may have turned into a slight pillow princess with him).

- Namjoon heaves you up onto the edge of a bench and then gets on his knees. Gently lifting your leg over his shoulder. He’s always mindful of how much you can move in your swollen state. He checks to make sure he’s not bending your hips in an uncomfortable way.

- You put your hands back on the dusty bench to stabilize yourself as you lie back, Namjoon wastes no time in pressing his face close to your cunt and inhaling, His nose prodding at the thin fabric of your underwear. One of his ears caught on the hem of your dress. His fingers digging into the plushness of your thighs- so full and healthy it makes him hard in his pants.

- He’s slow with the appreciation of your thighs and hips. Hands gripping and moving on to touch and feel like you have all the time in the world. But you hear voices outside the tool shed you’ve commandeered and you could just slip out and go back up to your house- but somehow you like this better. The thought of being discovered stirring an unsure heat in your stomach.

- You can hear Taehyung's voice, and then- like a shock through your core- you hear Jimin’s. Namjoon can feel your jolt. And you realize- his sensitive ears must have known who it was before your own human ones did. He chuckles- teasing his fingers along the hem of your underwear, almost daring to slip inside.

- You almost whine when you think about what you’re being denied- the harsh pull of his fingers that you’re so addicted too, how thick his fingers and knuckles feel (almost as nice as his cock) when they pull out and push in.

- Yoongi and Namjoon have always had the most lovely hands, it’s strange that when Namjoon touches you- you think about Yoongi’s hands. The way you clench around his fingers at that has Namjoon’s tail wagging. "you're thinking about them aren't you," The way you clench around his fingers at that has Namjoon’s tail wagging. Because yeah; Yoongi and Jimin are apart of Namjoon’s pack too, and bonding and group sex are kind of the same thing to hybrids. You’d found that out the hard way when you’d found a group of cat hybrids all tangled together in the grass the other day.

- Namjoon is always so gentle with you because of your condition, but you find your hips jerking with want. His fingers still when he feels the way your wetness has spilled out the sides. His thumb pressed over your clit teasingly. “smell so good when you're like this So wet my love, are you thinking about them finding you like this?”

- “Y-yes” you confess, and Namjoon growls, nipping at you through the fabric, the feel of his teeth brushing you, over the sensitive skin. The fabric cushioning the feeling, makes you almost gush, and you know you’ll be shakily legged by the time he lets you get down. And that he won’t let you get away from him until he’s taken care of you in this way, sated you in every sense of the word.

- But he can also tell how shy you are, the heat under your skin at the thought of being discovered. always unsure how much of your dirty talk is a real want and not just something you like in theory. Namjoon knows the idea of sharing you with the others might seem like the most natural and hottest thing; to love you alongside them. but to you- a human, hybrid sex and hybrid bedroom dynamics aren't as given.

- So he leans close, sliding your underwear down your legs slowly, letting you feel the heat of his palms on your skin. You're getting worked up a little too quickly, your heaving breaths needy. God damn pregnancy hormones you'd say if you could think beyond the plush feeling of his lips pressing a kiss to your clit. “Gotta clean you up for them, if they smelled you like this- then they’d know wouldn’t they?”

- You prove Namjoons initial assumption wrong. “What if I-” you whisper- gasping quietly as Namjoon drags the fabric to the side and glides a delicate lick over your folds. “What if I want them to know?” the pleasure thrumming through your body as Namjoon licks up your slit. Namjoon stills, ears perked, eyes flashing in the half-light. The snarl against your cunt loud and echoic.

- The voices outside fall silent and Namjoon doesn't stop his ravenous licking no matter if you have to bite your lip to keep your noises in. One of your hands scrambling to pull at his hair and find something to grip onto and anchor yourself against the onslaught of pleasure. Jimin is the first one to puncture the silence, “What was that?”

- Then comes Seokjin's voice “all of you- move along- whoever it is they probably don’t want the three of you listening in like a bunch of horn dogs” which is basically a confirmation that they were listening in, and that Yoongi was there too.

- When you finally exit the toolshed with weak legs, sure you’re going to have to at least got change your underwear. You find a bleary-eyed Seokjin a few dozen feet away, obviously upwind of the toolshed. he levels Namjoon with a tired expression. “You both have dirt on your knees” Namjoon has the good sense to look shy at that. You hastily brush off the spots on his, and he on yours.

- If Jimin and Yoongi smell anything on you later- they don’t say anything and the idea that they might make you feel hot all over whenever they lean in too close. You think you see a blush on Yoongi’s face more than once, and maybe see him adjust his pants out of the corner of your eye, but Jimin seems blissfully unaware.

- You have a check-up at the doctor’s office in the coming days. And although only Namjoon is allowed in the room with you (they have a two-person maximum because the ultrasound room is tiny), Yoongi and Jimin also accompany you. Namjoon comes bounding out after, waving the picture and smiling so so wide, both Yoongi and jimin leaning in close to get a better look- they’re so enamored with the little photo. And when you get home- Namjoon shows anyone that asks how the check-up went, eventually hanging it on one of the two fridges in the kitchen.

- Jimin is the only one who seems to notice the jealous looks- because you went out for ice-cream after and come home with them still partially melting (you’d had another craving- french-fries dunked in ice cream of all things). One of the other hybrids having heard Jimin talk to Tae about the beach trip too. They come to you at the end of the day, 2 bunnies, a cat, a fox and one of the bears- a mish moshed group of hybrids; petitioning you to start the beach trips for everyone.

- You can only fit so many people into the back of your truck so you pick a day and start a raffle for spots. Jimin throws his name into the hat just in case but to his surprise, Yoongi doesn’t. No matter how much Jimin bugs him too; He won’t agree to accompany Jimin to the beach again. Shaking his head with a roll of his eyes back tipped back against the grass, his sunhat crumpled. Offering up a few sweet tomatoes to soothe Jimin’s sour nerves.

- The peace lasts for a couple of days before they’re right back to treating Yoongi like shit and for some reason, it pisses Jimin off more. No matter how many times he’s heard Namjoon asks Yoongi to please tell him when anything happens. The snake hybrid seems unable to fight back.

- Jimin asks one of the hybrids why she won’t look at Yoongi (after the snake has already gone up the hill to retrieve another dish for dinner) and beyond a startled look, she just says “none of us can smell him” she throws a stack of paper towels down onto the table angrily. The deer hybrid across from them stumbling with their silver wear But she doesn’t need to re-iterate herself. Jimin understands- it’s hard to trust someone who can lie to your face- and in the world of hybrids where emotions can be decreed from a simple sniff, Jimin can’t say he doesn’t see where they’re coming from.

- Doesn’t excuse their behavior, however. After all- Jimin can smell Yoongi’s emotions through his scent and he didn't realize that was something strange until now. To Jimin, Yoongi’s scent is soft and sweet- something gummy and soft like a marshmallow. But that’s probably because he spends so much time with the hybrid. The others only spend so much time around him and are unused to his scent. And the fact that he never talks and never tries to socialize doesn’t help.

- Jimin can’t imagine not wanting to smell more of it- not leaning in whenever the other hybrid passes. Jimin wants to bury his face in Yoongi’s neck and rub his cheek all over it. The same way that Namjoon does to him in the morning if he shows up before he’s changed from his pajamas. And he knows he smells soft like sleep- an alluring smell to the older alpha when he comes down the stairs, ears straight up eyes wide as he takes in all of Jimin's vulnerability.

- and it might have to do with what Taehyung had said- that alphas eat up that sort of thing.

- Namjoon smells good too, his scent all soft mornings and sleepy walks, the older hybrid large and so pliant in his sleepiness, eyes swollen and face puffy as he hides in Jimin’s shoulder. Sending his pine scent all over so that it sticks to jimin no matter where he is. So that jimin will smell like Namjoon all day.

- One of the cat hybrids at the sink rolls her eyes. But when you come down the stairs smelling much the same. You touch his arm so softly in passing, like you can’t believe you’re allowed. And Jimin’s senses are a dizzying blur of cream, peaches, pine, and marshmallow.

- when he goes back to the barns, hazy at being scented by Namjoon so thoroughly. Taehyung levels him with a funny look and a chuckle. "you're more devious than anyone gives you credit for" thought Taehyung means it good-naturedly- it's good to have a friend to ask how to go about flirting with. the other hybrids gathered on the couch in front of the tv; some cartoon playing- pretend like they're not listening in.

- "How do you know so much when you don't have a pack of your own Tae?" he asks over breakfast, the two of them clutching breakfast burritos on their way to check Tae's bees. Tae doesn't meet Jimin's eyes "you're just lucky- most hybrids dont find a pack so easily Jimin" his words aren’t jealous- only a little patronizing. And Jimin accepts it because he knows he has a lot to learn.

- Taehyung is right- out of all of the hybrids at the farm, there are only a few who have paired up or even made stronger groups or multi-person packs. the bunnies and the cats don't form set generally- though there are a few pairs and more than a few throuples.

- Jimin as caught Yeonjun making out with a tabby more than once- has learned to avoid certain sections of the woods all together because everyone knows that's where the bunny hybrids like to go in the afternoons. The canine hybrids are the only ones who have packs, though there are more than half a dozen loners like jimin and namjoon.

- It's hard for Jimin to cohabitate with them even though there are other larger predators and more than a few prey hybrids living in Jimin's barn. he hadn’t really realized until taehyung pointed it out that each different pack occupied one corner of the punk room. More than once- the room in the barns has felt hostile if only for the packs that have claimed either corner of the bunkroom. it's usual to wake up and find more than one of the pups cuddling with another in one single bed.

- Having reciprocated love in his pack shouldn't feel like an impossibility to Jimin. But still, when Yoongi steps close- an inch too far away, his fingertips barely brushing- Jimin just- yearns. It’s a soft sort of yearning, the kind that has jimin jumping up whenever Yoongi needs something. Has him settling a think knit blanket over Yoongi’s nobly knees during movie nights, and sticking his own feet underneath the edge of the blanket. Feet Pressed to the clothed line of his calf. Maybe nothing will ever come of it, But Jimin yearns with everything he’s got regardless.

- In the late hours of the night, when Jimin lies awake thinking about the three of you. An instinct welling inside of him that says he should walk up the hill and fall asleep on your couch just to be closer to you three (the pack instinct- Taehyung calls it, looking a little bit sad himself when jimin asks him, the other hybrid moving away before jimin can ask exactly what that means) Jimin wonders if his feelings will ever be reciprocated.

- But love is a strange thing, it’s not just about saying it with kisses or touches- though Jimin wants them too. There is love in the small things, in building something together so that’s what Jimin tries to do. Every day- he takes to gardening with a new vigor. Shouting in joy when you harvest some of the tomatoes- filling up a whole gallon bucket with the amount that have ripened over the last week. Your peppers and cucumbers are beginning to produce more too.

- Jimin and Yoongi run to Namjoon just to give him a handful. The alpha gives each of them a sweet nuzzle in thanks, even if Yoongi chirps and moves back after a moment. A flush high on his cheek. Namjoon looking up at Yoongi from where he’s stopped- cheek on the elder's shoulder. The snake relaxing after a moment.

- You spend the rest of the day showing Jimin and Yoongi how to prepare the tomatoes to make a sauce, roasting them on low heat. Cutting garlic so so carefully, and whenever Jimin looks across the prep table- Yoongi’s gaze darts away. halfway through- yoongi stoops down, sticking his socked feet into jimin’s lap, and it feels so nice, to have their weight there.

- You go over to Yoongi at one point, and he tips his head back to look up at you. The back of his head is at the right height to lye up against your baby bump. And Jimin watches, as you slowly, so slowly, brush the hair out of his eyes and away from his forehead. Yoongi’s eyes flutter closed and he tips his face into your hand. Letting out a low happy grumble when you take his action as positive reinforcement, and drag your nails over his scalp. In Jimin’s lap, Yoongi’s toes curl.

- It feels strange- and Jimin can’t quite put his finger on it- but it almost feels like Yoongi is letting you all touch him more than ever. Suddenly okay with touches- as long as it’s in a more private setting. Jimin can’t say he’s unhappy about it. Maybe one-day yoongi will even let Jimin scent mark him.

- Jimin smiles at Yoongi’s happy little snake grumbles. And keeps chopping his garlic. Is happy to receive the same kind of scratch from you a few minutes later. Though he might abandon his chopping in favor of rubbing his face all over your stomach when the instinct strikes him. Jimin unintentionally lets out a growl when you start to move away. Slapping a hand over his mouth and apologizing, no matter how you and Yoongi laugh.

- Still, despite the happiness, you have in your kitchen, in your house, whenever you’re around each other. The rest of the world is not so kind.

- An adoption day comes at arguably the worst and best time. There is still a fair amount of friction between your group and the rest of the hybrids. And a few outsiders at the farm only make it worse. Though Yoongi, Jimin, and Namjoon aren’t the only hybrids who wear red stickers to indicate that they are not available for adoption.

- Hoseok surprisingly- grabs a yellow sticker. And the three of your hybrids watch- as Seokjin hovers around him- a red sticker on his own lapel- wary of all and anyone who interacts with the otter hybrid. His glares putting off all but the most attentive patrons. That's where it starts.

- Jimin is unfortunately caught in the middle when seokjin confronts hoseok. off to help the three of them bring down 3 trays of cut watermelon for the hybrids and the patrons. The dinner tables have been set out on the side of the field piled high with Hors d'oeuvre. You’re there with Namjoon greeting the humans. Games are set out too- for the hybrids and humans to play.

- it’s no secret that they’ve gotten close, and jimin had assumed they’d talked about it- but apparently not. Seokjin is so angry he’s nearly crying. “why- hoseok- why do you want to leave the farm?” Hoseok’s little otter ears are tight against his scalp. “I just- I didn’t want to assume?”

- “Oh- so you’d rather just- throw away everything that we’re trying- all of this- you don’t you dont want to stay do you-” Jimin has never seen seokjin looking so lost, and he knows enough to guess that Seokjin’s anger is at least in part to due to some trauma (later- Jimin will find out that Seokjin’s mother left him with his last owner- an abusive man- to save herself).

- Jimin knows enough to get in between them, telling them to calm down and spend a minute away from each other. Jimin ends up with Hoseok- “it’s hard Jimin- how do you, how do you have so much sureness with Y/n? with Namjoon and yoongi too? How do you look at them and trust that you should stay?” Hoseok's eyes remain on Jimin's red tag.

- Jimin sighs, thinking it through, “do you look at Seokjin and know he cares about you? like- do you know it in your bones?” Hoseok bites his lower lip, “yes- but-”

- “Then you should stay Hoseok,” Jimin walks Hoseok up to the main house where the stickers sit on the prep table. Changing out his yellow one for a red one. And when they head off back down the hill, Seokjin is waiting on the path with Yoongi, apologizing and dragging Hoseok away to the barns where Seokjin’s own private room is. Hoseok goes willingly, smiling up at the older hybrid. His narrow shoulders cuddled under one of Seokjin's wide ones.

- jimin has to admit, an otter and an alpaca are a weird combination for a hybrid pack (But no stranger than a pair of puppies and a snake). His thoughts drift towards Taehyung- and Jimin hopes that his friend won't end up alone. it must not be easy- to see all of you pair off like this.

- in some ways, that adoption day is full of just as much bullshit as they usually are. there are always people who dont understand the effort it takes to take care of a hybrid- they aren't just like any ordinary pet. it's easy to spot the ones that view them as pets- and less like people. You get a few rich people looking to adopt a companion as always.

- A substantial group of families also look to adopt similarly aged companions for their single children. And you agree to more than one possible test weekend. You’re always so particular about letting the children go, so wary and so careful in the way you let them interact with the families.

- Though they don’t have parents here- there are more than a few good role models and parental figures. More than one child chooses a red tag for themselves. And they always know have a right to it- no matter how young they are. You make it clear to the group of them; If they don’t want to be adopted they don’t have to be.

- You even get one couple- the woman withdrawn and sad, and a slightly jealous look at your own pregnant stomach says more than any words could. It’s pretty common for women who can’t have children to adopt hybrid children. and though some of it doesn't sit right with you, You aren’t one to judge.

- Jimin spends most of the adoption day helping you balance the need for food and for games. running back and forth to the house to help. Though there is a little work that needs to be done here and there just to keep the farm running as usual. grey storm clouds roll in halfway through the day, puncturing the blue sky- foretelling scattered showers and storms. and jimin hopes it will cut the adoption day short so that you can return to your routines.

- Jimin is just helping Yoongi putting away a broken badminton net When it happens- Jimin isn’t certain why it does. Only that he hears the words outside the shed after Yoongi's just excited to grab the broken rackets (Namjoon isn't the only clumsy hybrid you have at the farm).

- “oh sorry- ew gross,” a shrill female voice says, and then he rounds the corner and sees yoongi picking himself up from the dirt- a rich lady and her peacock hybrid looking down at him like he’s the dirt beneath his shoes. The peacock hybrid has Yoongi’s sun hat in his hands and there is another hybrid- a wolf hybrid from the farm with a green sticker on his shirt, who growls down at yoongi.

- His shoulders shake too the way they do when he’s been touched and he doesn’t want to be. Jimin has seen you brush your fingers over the back of Yoongi’s hand, has even felt the coolness of the snake hybrid through the fabric when the elder grabbed his sleeve. Has touched him even more intimately as of late. But he knows that Yoongi can’t tolerate being touched by people he doesn’t trust- doesn’t want to touch him. basically, anyone, that's, not you, Namjoon, or Jimin himself.

- “Hey- what the fuck!” Jimin spits, grabbing the sunhat out of the hybrid's hand with a growl, his ears flat against his head. If Jimin had elongated canines like Namjoon they would be barred in anger as he shoves the larger hybrid back. Yoongi shrinks impossibly smaller behind him.

- Jimin is hot and itchy from the heat and the humidity, and he really just wants to shower and cool off. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with entitled people today. And more importantly- no one touches Yoongi on Jimin’s watch.

- The hybrid looks surprised to be talked to in that way, he’s nearly a head taller than Jimin let alone the slightly taller feathers that poke out of the top of his head that give him the appearance of several more inches- but Jimin’s intimidating enough with his set expression to send the hybrid huffing away. Feathers fluffed.

- The peacock's iridescent feathers stand up on end as he grabs the hand of his human owner, her diamond tennis bracelet glittering in the sunlight. “This was getting boring anyway. Sorry” he tosses over his shoulder at the canine hybrid, who looks so disappointed his ears pinned back against his head. They only give him that- barely a look, before they’re heading off down the hill in the direction of the line of cars parked on the grass.

- The wolf hybrid deflates audibly- watching the woman and the other hybrid disappear down the hill. promises of home and family disappearing in a moment, but Jimin has to think- if they’d be discouraged so easily- were they really worth it? The wolf hybrid doesn't seem to think so- Turning his angry tear-filled eyes on Jimin.

- But Jimin can see the hate in his eyes and knows not to mistake the tears for only sadness. “You both ruin everything” he growls out- before they too run back towards the barns- no doubt to tell the others how Yoongi had sabotaged their adoption. Even though that was far from the truth. in all honestly- yoongi just bumped into the lady- or more probably- the lady bumped into him when he was on his way out of the shed.

- Jimin holds out his sunhat to Yoongi, who takes it from Jimin carefully, Jimin doesn’t linger on the fact that his hand still shakes. Jimin’s hand lingers somewhere close enough where Yoongi could touch it could reach out if he wants too. If he wants to get that kind of comfort from Jimin's touch- then Jimin will willingly give it.

- a faint flush coats the elder's cheeks. Oh no- he must be overheating then, Jimin feels a rush of concern. He knows what you would do, hover your hand close enough to Yoongi’s forehead, usher him upstairs for a break in the air conditioning, and a glass of icy lemonade.

- All they can hear is the shouts of laughter at the games the others play in the fields, “I understand why you don’t want to stay in the barns, why you don’t want to socialize with some of them, they’re so unkind to you it makes me crazy.” Jimin shakes his head, sour anger filling him like a rotten peach.

- Yoongi, looks more than pacified, looking up at Jimin with an indecipherable look. Most of the time, Jimin can get a good guess on how he’s feeling but not now- not that indecipherable heaviness he finds there. or the strangely heavy marshmallow scent that’s fluffed around them. Jimin lets go of Yoongi’s hat.

- After a moment Yoongi nods, and Jimin takes it as a thank you. They’re done for the day and dinner won’t be for another few hours or so. Jimin is ready to avoid some of the strangers and hopefully take advantage of the empty showers. The sky is grey with incumbent storm clouds when Jimin makes his way to the shower buildings which he finds blissfully empty; except for the bear hybrid Jackson that tosses a greeting at Jimin before exiting.

- Jimin doesn’t even bother to flick the lights on, instead of settling for the calm light that comes through the skylights, grey and hazy. the storm clouds have started to roll in properly. He hums as he disrobes, goes to grab his favorite strawberry body wash, and picks the last shower at the end, disrobing in relative comfort, glad for a moment of privacy.

- The blissfully Coldwater does wonders for his overheating muscles, relaxing his body deliciously from a day spent walking up and down the hill. he digests the chaos of the day- seokjin and hoseok fighting, yoongi getting shoved. you'd looked frazzled the last time he'd seen you, smile strained as you made small talk with most of the humans, Namjoon always close incase you needed someone to lean on.

- Jimin had been able to tell that your feet were sore just by looking at you. Namjoon will probably make you sit down before long, maybe he already has. You’ll probably cut off the adoption day because of the rain. Taking down names and information before you send them on their way. You rarely let a hybrid leave the farm after one adoption day, needing to have more private meetings and house calls to willingly part with one of them. You just want to make sure you dont release them back into another abusive household.

- He hums as he washes, lingering in the water and taking a longer shower than he usually would. He hums, testing the way his vocal cords wrap around the acoustics of the empty high ceilinged room.

Then he hears the scuffling of someone in the bathroom too and cuts off. A little abashed at being caught. The rustling getting closer and its a moment before he realizes that the rustling is coming from his own section of the bath. he smells him the second before he pulls the shower curtain gets pulled back.

- “Yoongi!” Jimin shouts, furiously grabbing at something to cover his nakedness. Jimin furiously tries to cover his crotch, grabbing one of the large bargain bottles of shampoo and hold it there even as cold water runs over his face. Getting into his wide eyes. “Yoongi what the fuck! You’re naked!”

- Jimin is glad that the rumors about snake hybrids having double the appendages as a normal hybrid are false but he can’t stop his blush or his wandering eyes as he sees the snake hybrid in full. Or the hot lick of arousal that shocks him through his core- especially when he recognizes the heaviness to Yoongi's scent as being arousal.

- there is a single moment, jimin can smell yoongi- can see the want in his eyes, can feel his own scent fluff out to meet his, yoongi sags under the weight of Jimin's scent as the surprise dissipates. "do you-" Jimin's face must be brighter than a tomato. He reaches out a tentative hand, "do you want to-"

- Before Jimin can do much more than that Yoongi’s lips are on his, tentative but firm and passionate, the fire leaking into him from Yoongi as jimin stumbles in surprise. The kiss tastes like thank you and Ive wanted to do this for longer than i care to admit and everything yoongi can't say, can't let slip past his lips. jimin drops the shampoo bottle which narrowly misses his foot as Yoongi’s hands come up to encircle his jaw so softly like Yoongi is holding the most important thing in his world. Jimin is so shocked that for a moment- he doesn’t kiss back and Yoongi retracts- not before Jimin chases his lips and the snake hybrid returns to him.

- It’s the first time Yoongi’s ever touched Jimin so bare, and the snake’s hands on the back of his neck feel cold and shivery but good. As Jimin’s back hit’s the wall and their fronts press together for a moment, just brushing. Then colliding with more force as they both realize how good it feels to be so close to someone you trust. It’s dizzying- intoxicating, and Jimin knows his mouth is moving sloppily even if he wants to kiss Yoongi with just as much intent.

- The snake hybrid bites- actually bites- down on Jimin’s tongue. And a strangled whine comes to live and die in his throat. A snarl in his ears from Yoongi's mouth as the snake hybrid keeps his biting, moves to Jimin's throat- bites hard Enough that Jimin knows he'll leave a bruise. "leave more- yoongi please mark me" jimin feels hot with the thought of it- the thought of all the other hybrids being able to smell yoongi on his scent gland.

- Jimin doesn’t know where to put his hands, he knows enough to know that Yoongi doesn’t like to be touched and unsure if it extends to right now. but it seems okay if he’s doing the touching. His hands sliding down Jimin's back to his waist. He’s a good kisser, the best that Jimin’s ever kissed (not that there have been many) and he tips his head forward to put as much scalding force as he can into it when yoongi leaves his neck in favor of his mouth, trying to match Yoongi’s intensity even if he can’t match his skill.

- Yoongi takes a step forward, and Jimin’s cock brushes his hipbone, and he can’t stop the way his hips jump at the contact, brushing into Yoongi further. Jimin’s blood boils with arousal. Yoongi is equally as hard compared to Jimin. And Jimin doesn't know if its water or precum that he feels on his skin. Can't look down to check.

- By the time Yoongi leans back and finishes running his fingers through Jimin’s hair and over his shoulders. Jimin’s so wound up he feels like he’s about the pass out. The cool water cascading over his back doing nothing to settle him. Yoongi moves his hips- testing the waters, as he grinds, works jimin’s hips into an unsteady rhythm. and jimin moans.

- Yoongi pulls back, looking at jimin, their noses brushing, like he can’t bear to have jimin farther away from him than this, want heavy in his eyes, and Jimin tastes the words on Yoongi’s lips as good as if he’d said them. “Yoongi” jimin breathes. Palms pressed carefully to the shower wall so that he won’t reach out and yank Yoongi closer. But he’s Weak against the wake of this of all this feeling.

- “fuck- kiss me again- can we- ” Jimin feels strung out, his body heavy with something like heat- maybe Jimin is actually having a heat and it’s not just in his imagination (he wouldn't really know what it felt like- never having had one before because of his malnutrition). But This kind of kissing is certainly enough to trigger one.

- Yoongi opens his mouth for a second, almost like he’s about to speak- or to try to, Jimin’s never been sure if he can- if it’s muteness or just Yoongi being selective. And then in the next moment, Yoongi’s gone, almost tripping on his way out of the showers with how fast he’s leaving jimin. A whine dies in his throat and jimin starts after him, But then Yoongi turns back. Gesturing with a hand for jimin to stay put. Yoongi looks angry, and it takes a moment for Jimin to realize that the anger wasn’t directed at jimin- only at Himself.

- Jimin stays in the shower, water thundering down around him as the sky overhead thunders too. Jimin listens to the faint sound of Yoongi dressing and then leaving the showers. Jimin lets him go. So sure that he has absolutely no idea what just happen- or even if he didn’t imagine the whole thing.

- jimin’s hand on himself doesn't feel nearly good as Yoongi’s did.

- Yoongi’s hands shake all the way back up the hill, and he hopes his wet hair won’t be too suspicious especially when a mixed group of hybrids crosses his path. Returning to the barns as most of the adoption day festivities have ended.

- Yoongi’s careful to keep his eyes averted. And like usual- the conversation comes to a halt when Yoongi passes them by. It no longer bugs him the way it might have once. They have a good reason not to want to associate with him. Yoongi’s body shakes with the weight of the things he’s done and the things he’s going to do.

- you gather with 3 families on your porch as you take down their names and contact information. You send yoongi a concerned look as he quickly heads inside the house. Pausing only for a moment before he decides to go to Namjoon first. Later- later he’ll ask you too.

- Stupid- he’s been so stupid recently. Touching you- indulging in these short sweet touches because he wants more so badly. Knows he can never have it doesn’t stop the wanting. If his owner ever found out what he’s done- if she ever found out what he’d almost done with jimin- she’d surely have Jimin’s hands for it.

- And as much as Yoongi wishes it were any other way- Jimin almost touching him does remind him of far worse times. Though he’d been the one to initiate it this time- the memories still linger.

- Times when foreign hands touched his skin as he’d thrashed and screamed trying to protest against the taunting words of his owner. “I’ve never been interested in snake dick but if you want him for tonight you can have him- just be careful- he bites” and he shakes with those memories. Though its been many years. like most kinds of torture- eventually, his owner had grown bored with using yoongi's body as a bargaining chip. Yoongi wonders if he’s ever going to be able to be touched that way without feeling the revulsion at his own body.

- Jimin had come close, but he'd known- known that yoongi didn't want him to touch him. Had seemed more than willing to be touched himself. the revulsion hadn't hit him until the end.

- The places he’s been touched without his consent feel black and decaying- or like ink, every time someone touches him- Yoongi’s surprised that ink doesn’t come away on your hands soft and delicate. But it didn’t change the fact that Yoongi wanted it- and wants it still.

- he wants to see you soft and sated the way you look sometimes in the morning when he can smell Namjoon on you- wants to cause it- maybe, someday in the future if you'll let him. He knows you’d be gentle with him. Wouldn’t put your hands anywhere he didn’t want. Would check in with him- going as slowly or as quickly as he wanted too. Namjoon would be able to be gentle too- Yoongi’s sure of it.

- He wants it, even though he knows that want only put you all in danger. He’s an incredibly selfish person. He hopes he never gets to have that intimacy with you, for your sake.

- yoongi should only let himself dream of something good before he goes- sinks back into that life. But the temptation for more is too strong sometimes, his want filling him up like sticky sweet syrup that pollutes every moment.

- Namjoon is on the second floor of your house and Yoongi takes the stairs two at a time. Folding laundry in what will one day be the nursery for your child. He’s taken the ultrasound up here now- hung it up so he can look at it. and Yoongi is reminded of A few days ago when he gushed about the development of your child to Yoongi in the kitchen comparing them to the size of a fruit. “a cute little cantaloupe- the cutest little cantaloupe”

- You and Namjoon have made the decision not to find out the gender, but the walls of the nursery are still pained blue, puffy clouds above and little flowers below, dandelions and daisies, a stalwart sunflower that curls over the arch of the door half-finished. Yoongi knows you work on the mural it whenever you can. But Namjoon gets a little paranoid about the fumes- you compromise and keep the windows open along with the door to your balcony to allow as much air circulation as possible.

- The crib, a fluffy white thing is already piled into the corner. And Yoongi remembers the first few weeks here when you and Namjoon had overzealously ordered it. He’d come downstairs after dinner one night and found both of you puzzling over the directions. And he’d shooed Namjoon away as he’d helped you put it together. The three of you ending up giggly and punch drunk tired by the time it was fully put together. And then had to carry it all the way up the stairs.

-A mobile of little felted flowers that Seokjin made you as a thank you present a hangs above the empty Crib- colorful and cute. And Namjoon has set the laundry on the unused changing table in neat stacks. All of the other furniture is piled into the center of the room so that you can paint the walls. He turns when he hears Yoongi, his tail swishing.

- “Hey Yoon- what you get caught in a rainstorm or something?” the rain splatters against the windows with a soft patter and Yoongi drips onto the floor. He never bothered to dry off after the unintentional shower with jimin. Yoongi makes a shrug that means ‘something like that’ and if the younger hybrid hovers on the way that Yoongi’s lips look a little kiss bitten and swollen he doesn’t say a thing. Namjoon knows better than anyone- what they talk about and what they don’t.

- He hands over the slip of paper; “jimin should move into the main house, you and I could clean out one of the storage rooms and move the stuff into the attic.”

- Yoongi watches Namjoon’s eyes rove over the words a few times. The hybrid purses his lips, “I’ve talked to Y/n about this- and she agrees- but I don’t know if he wants too? He seems pretty comfortable in the barns, he likes Taehyung and they’re friends. and we kind of want to leave it up to him if we can.”

- Yoongi snatches the paperback from him, annoyance flickering in his chest as he rolls his eye. Didn’t Namjoon see that nothing would change if they didn’t push him a little? Jimin is the type to take that kind of abuse again and again if it means not making a fuss. And Yoongi knows it’s only a matter of time before something happens again. He turns it over onto the other side and using the wall as a place to write.

- “He’s already being treated differently because of me” 'me' being double underlined- so that Namjoon really understands what he’s trying to say. Yoongi just wants to make sure Jimin is safe before he goes. Before he needs to leave and before it gets too dangerous and too near a time when his owner will physically retrieve him. Not that Namjoon knows that Yoongi’s presence has an expiration date. Namjoon searches Yoongi’s face for a source to his desperation and finds none.

- Yoongi has never felt worse for keeping secrets. Maybe in another world- Yoongi would have confessed and asked Namjoon, with all of his connections to the police, for help. Yoongi knows enough to put the whole crime system out of whack and yet. Years of negative reinforcement and beatings have taught him to keep his mouth shut and that isn’t going to change now; not when Yoongi’s life isn’t the only one at risk and he knows you’ll all live if he plays by the rules. He doesn't care about his own safety anymore.

- The second he sees Yoongi’s distraught expression Namjoon steps closer Taking off his flannel and tugging it around his shoulders. Namjoon might not make moves to scent mark Yoongi but dressing him in his clothes is as good as he gets. Namjoon’s comforting alpha scent fluffs around him.

- Yoongi wonders if jimin feels the pull the same way he does. Dynamics are more mobile in snake hybrids and downright non-existent in humans. but they’re more set in canines. Namjoon puts his hand on Yoongi’s clothed arm and Yoongi shuffles close after a second. His nose centimeters from Namjoon’s neck taking in deep breathes to try and steady himself. He didn’t realize he was shaking.

- “It will be alright Yoongi, I promise. He’s gonna be safe.” Namjoon adds quieter. And below them both- in the first floor of the house, he can hear your voice, echoing louder and laughing at some sort of joke, Namjoon’s tail starts wagging at the suggestion of you. “I want them to feel safe too.”

- Yoongi wants to write “he should take my room- I won’t be staying in it soon anyway.” but Yoongi needs to make sure- before he leaves. Jimin has to be included in your little pack. He doesn’t want to think- about what the three of you will go through when he eventually has to leave. The days are counting down to the end of the summer.

- He’s fucking selfish, so selfish, to kiss Jimin like that when he knows he won't be able to stay in the hybrids life. He’s selfish every time he begs affection off you, every day he keeps Namjoon Company when he’s cleaning up the other barns. Yoongi writing out words in the dust when Namjoon asks him questions. Eyes only searching when Namjoon turns his back. Looking for any sort of hidden compartment. Completing his task even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. Betraying you like this.

- Jimin spends the rest of the day wondering if the kiss with Yoongi was just a dream. But later at dinner, Yoongi won’t meet his eyes, and jimin knows he didn’t imagine the kiss. Guilt sticks to Yoongi, more distracting than honey stuck between your fingertips.

- Both of them go to sleep still thinking about the kiss. Jimin wondering if it will happen again and Yoongi thinking that he’d like it too. His fingers running over his lower and upper lips, mind awash with the memory of jimin’s mouth on his. And night falls heavy like a weighted blanket on the farm. The sky a big sheet with holes poked through for stars. A heavenly breeze tempting away the summer heat.

- All of the hybrids safe and snoring in their beds. Some even paired- if they’ve got it. Two furry bodies packed close on a single bed. Some even dream of homes they mind one day live in or of the people that one day they’ll get to love. The idea of being kept and treasured lulling them into a drowsy haze of anticipation and security.

- That night, Namjoon knocks on Yoongi’s door. the hybrid leaning up against the doorframe as he watches the snake get ready for bed. “you know... you could sleep in our room if you want, we have an air conditioner in there too.” yoongi has a notepad ready, he knows that Namjoon likes to open all the windows and even the door to your balcony to let the fresh air in so that it feels like you're sleeping outside. He steels himself to think of someone other than himself before he writes- “I’m okay- thanks though” Yoongi writes out.

- Namjoon lifts one of Yoongi’s blankets to his neck before he leaves, thoroughly scents marking it before he leaves it with Yoongi. And Yoongi sleeps easy that night with his nose pressed to the blanket. Safe and secure in his room. Nothing bad happens to yoongi that night even though he cuddles close to the blanket, and when he wakes in the morning. his heart beats a steady thumping rhythm- his whole body humming with anticipation.

- It’s different to feel excited about being in love, excited for a day spent close to the people he cares about. And he knows he won't take a single day for granted.

- The crickets and cicadas chirping in the field. And in a low tone on the tree outside, a morning dove gentle and unassuming. The sun rising over the hills. Tastes of idyllic and smells of Eden. Like lavender and honey.

- A hand outstretched, scrambling in the dirt before it goes still, fingers just a few inches from safety. Blood mixing in with the sand. The morning is not perfect for everyone.

- But even you would say the morning was peaceful, if not for the dead body dumped at the end of your driveway.

Kofi

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typical-simplelove · 4 years ago

Text

Peter Pan (M. Tkachuk)

Summary: Based off of Kelsea Ballerini’s song, Peter Pan. What happens when Matthew strings you along in an adventure and can’t grow up?

A/n: This idea came to me and I wrote it in 2 hours. I’m sorry for any hurt I caused you.

Warnings: Mentions of sex, Avengers: Endgame spoilers (yes, I’m a Marvel nerd), angsty (very), unresolved ending

Word Count: 5k (including song lyrics)

I hope you enjoy!!

Taglist: @goalision @coffee-ontherocks @glassdanse @barzal-burakovsky @petey-patty @boqvistsbabe @beauvibaby @heatherawoowoo @rmaye @mellany1997 @heaveniish @tkapuckit @stars-canucks (Do you want to be tagged in my fics? Fill out this form.)

The smile, the charm, the words, the spark Everything, you had it I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy I let you have it You said I was your only I never thought you'd leave me lonely

There was something about him, something that drew you in. You couldn’t quite say what it was. However, it was there. Was it the way the sweet words of love and adoration flowed so easily from his mouth? Was it the charm he so easily expressed and had? Was it the way his hair sat on his head so beautifully? Was it the spark that you felt was there? No, the spark that you insisted was there? Was it ever there? You fell for him. Your naive heart fell for the boy. You couldn’t even call him a man. He was a boy. Playing with your feelings and your heart. He took what you gave him, ate it up, and came back to when he wanted. He said he was only seeing you. Did you believe him? Yeah, you did. You weren’t sure why. You knew the way he was. He acted like the boys in high school. He acted like your young cousins and brothers. Yet, you allowed yourself to fall for him. You fell for a boy who didn’t know how to be a man.

You fell for a boy. You fell for Matthew Tkachuk, a person who was notorious for being a boy who would do nothing but hurt you. Unable to ever be mature in romantic relationships. He wanted the adventure and the love. Matthew wanted all the easy parts and disappeared when things got hard. He always came back when things cleared up or when he needed someone to make his heart rush. You always let him back into your life despite what everyone said. You told them that it didn’t matter. Matthew cared for you. He had feelings for you. He wasn’t using you to have an adventure. He would smarten up and realize what you had to offer on his own time. Right?

Matthew Tkachuk was a boy. It was a mistake to fall for him, yet you did. You fell for him. You took the bread crumbs he gave you and ate them up. You never asked for more because deep down you knew that he wouldn’t give them to you.

Matthew Tkachuk was lost in Neverland. He was a lost boy. He refused to grow up. Why did he need to? He had all this money, glory, and fame at his disposal. There was no need for him to grow. He had a girl who was devout to him and would always be there. That was, until you left. Until you realized you deserved better. Matthew didn’t have you anymore when you realized that Matthew was Peter Pan and never wanted to grow up.

Sometimes good things have to end. Sometimes you have to think for yourself. That’s what you did. Matthew couldn’t give you what you wanted. You wanted someone to love you all the days of the year, not just when he wanted to. Matthew loved you on his terms - a sign of a boy. He was lost. You weren’t. You needed to leave, so you did. You left Matthew Tkachuk because he refused to grow up. You weren’t going to be there the next time he came running to you. Matthew wasn’t good for you. He couldn’t give you what you wanted. He was a boy who couldn’t have an adult relationship. He would keep coming back to you and telling you he changed. He didn’t. He never did. He never grew and never realized what he was doing.

The next time when Matthew came back to you, you were going to turn him away. You didn’t have time in your life for boys. You wanted, no deserved, someone who would care and love you in the way you should be.

You're just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds You're just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

The first time you met Matthew, you were on cloud nine. No one looked at you the way he did. No one smiled at you the way he did. No one made your heart rush in the way he did.

He bought you a drink as people do in bars. It was different, though. He didn’t want to sleep with you. No, he did but that wasn’t the ultimate goal. There was a glint in his eyes that told you that he didn’t want only a hookup. The way his smile curved when you didn’t walk away from him. That should have been the first sign. He was playing a game. He knew what he was doing. Matthew knows about girls like you. He knows that girls like you want someone to make them happy. Someone to come home to and to make memories with. He wanted a girl like you to be part of his tally. Matthew wanted you as one of his adventures.

And you let him do that to you. You let Matthew sweep you off your feet. You let Matthew use you to be one of his adventures of his bachelor life. He didn’t want something serious. You told yourself he would change his mind. You kept telling yourself that. He would eventually want something serious. Right? He just needed to realize what he wanted on his own. Matthew knew though, you weren’t going to have something serious with him. Matthew knew exactly what he was going and, deep down, you did, too. You knew Matthew was going to string you along and just make you one his stories he reflects on the night before his wedding. You were going to be one of those girls in his life that Matthew would look back on and say ‘thank you for making me realize that I wanted to settle down’. You weren't endgame for him even though you wanted him to be. There was no one on this planet who made your heart rush, made the heat instantly rush to your face, or made your smile just because you thought about him. There was no one quite like him in your life.

Matthew was different, you kept telling people. He was different. Your friends were telling you to be careful. That you did. You made sure you guard your heart because you didn’t want to get heartbroken. Slowly, though, Matthew chipped his way into your heart and it was only a matter of time before you fell. It was a matter of when not if; you’d collapse because Matthew couldn’t give you what you wanted.

At first, you and Matthew didn’t have any labels. You both could go out for drinks casually or maybe a movie night every now and then. Nothing monumental. You were ready, though, to take the next step. You wanted to be more with Matthew. You thought knew that he wanted the same thing, right? You both weren’t technically exclusive but it was also implied that you both weren’t seeing other people. Well, that’s what you thought. You didn’t talk to any other people other than Matthew. Why would you when you had Matthew? Someone who made you incredibly happy and made your insides all warm and fuzzy. You brought it up numerous times, yet he always brushed it off and said let’s not make anything too complicated. So, you didn’t. You left it at that because you wanted Matthew. You needed Matthew. Your life began to orbit around the Flames’ schedule because that’s what Matthew wanted. He was going on an adventure that made his heart rush. He knew exactly what he was doing. Matthew knew exactly what you wanted. He wasn’t going to give it to you, though. He was too lost and immature to realize how much he was hurting you and how much he would hurt you. To him, this was fine. Matthew was going to string you along and let you be.

This pattern continued on for six months. You and Matthew were, again, not exclusive but it was also implied that you weren’t seeing anyone else. So you thought. The first time Matthew hurt you and made you feel terrible and unworthy of any kind of love should have been a red flag. You shouldn’t even have to label it as the first time. It should just be ‘the time when’. No first, second, third, fourth, etc. Why did you let Matthew have this power over you? Easy, he made you feel loved, special, and happy.

Until he didn’t.

You went out for drinks with your friends a Friday night after work. You wanted to see Matthew; no, you were dying to see Matthew. He said he had plans, so you made your own plans. You put on the outfit that made you the most confident and if it happened to be the one you wore when you met Matthew, then so be it. You walk into the rowdy and raucous bar. You looked around and your face paled. You weren’t sure why it shocked you considering you and Matthew weren’t officially exclusive, but it still hurt. Matthew was sitting at a booth with three beautiful girls surrounding him. Girls that you knew he wouldn’t be stringing along if he were seeing them. You weren’t sure why it hurt so much. This was the game Matthew was playing. This was the adventure that he was taking. It didn’t matter if you couldn’t see him playing it, Matthew was stringing you along. This night was one of many where Matthew was playing. He was a boy. He didn’t want to grow up and realize what he had in front of him.

You tried to ignore Matthew that night, but you couldn’t. His laugh was ringing throughout the bar and it was the only thing you could hear. Your friends looked at you with pity in their eyes. Yes, they told you to be careful and this would be the perfect ‘I told you so’ moment but the sadness in your eyes stopped them. Your friends wanted to walk over to Matthew to confront him. They didn’t. You chose to forget and ignore what was happening across the bar.

At 11:24 that night, you decided you had had enough. You wanted to go home; you couldn’t take it anymore. You wanted to be the girl that Matthew was laughing with not watching it happen. You say goodbye to your friends and walk out of the bar. You wish it were that easy. On your way out, a guy who was probably your age ran into you and spilled his drink everywhere. You cried out in shock of the cold drink meeting your chest. The cry out made Matthew’s eyes perk up. He knew that sound. He isn’t sure why he recognized it. Matthew looked up and saw that you were talking to someone else. You were laughing and giggling with this guy. You didn’t tell him to get away. Matthew wanted to know why. Also, what were you doing there? Why didn’t you come up to him? Why didn’t you opt to go see him? One of the girls sitting next to him tapped Matthew’s shoulder and he realized why. You weren’t going to come up to him whilst he was preoccupied with someone else. That was the way you were. You thought about other people’s feelings first and didn’t overstep your boundaries.

Matthew instantly gets up. He has to fix this with you because then how else would he be able to continue his adventure? He needed you to be the one to excite him and make his heart race. Matthew ditched the girls and his friends at the booth and ran after you.

“Hey,” someone said to you as they grabbed your arm. You turn around and see Matthew’s face. “Why didn’t you come and say hi?”

You remember looking at Matthew with disgust. He wanted to know why you didn’t interrupt him talking with other girls? He was with other girls. This was one of those perfect opportunities to tell him how you felt but you couldn’t. You weren’t sure why. No, you could. You knew that if you told Matthew exactly why you didn’t go over to him, he wouldn’t want to keep seeing you. You didn’t want that. You couldn’t sabotage whatever this was. You needed Matthew in your life like you needed air to breath. So, you lied. “Oh, I actually didn’t see you.”

Matthew sighed a breath of relief. That means that you didn’t see those girls. That meant that the game he was stringing you along with was going to actually work. He could continue playing his game and continue the adventure you brought. “Why don’t you come in and hang out with my friends?”

You shake your head and try to blink back tears. You couldn’t. You would never fit in with those types of people. “I’m actually going to head home. Maybe another time?”

“Oh, come on, don’t be that way. Come, for me?” You so wanted to bend and go in with him. In the first time in this six month relationship, barely, you finally had a thought of sense.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” You walked away. You hoped, no begged, for Matthew to chase after you. To call out to you and insist you stayed. You wanted him to call out to text him that you got home safely. He didn’t. He walked back into the bar like it was no big deal and that he didn’t ruin your evening.

When you got home that night, you hopped in the shower and cried. You weren’t sure why you cried. The fact that Matthew made you cry should be another red flag to you. You were crying over a boy who didn’t care for you the way you did. You were crying over a boy. A boy! Not even a man. Not someone who had complex feelings and thoughts. A boy who only wanted you for the thrill. He was only with you because he knew that you weren’t going to leave. He knew the game he was playing.

You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland You don't understand You'll never grow up You're never gonna be a man Peter Pan

This kept happening. Matthew kept on stringing you along and you often cried yourself to sleep. You weren’t sure why you couldn’t leave. For the life of you, you couldn’t understand why Matthew had this effect on you. He was like a drug and you were addicted. You couldn’t stop being around him. You could be in the same room but twenty feet apart and you’d have this sense of tranquility. You weren’t sure why you even bothered with him. Six months after that night in the bar, Matthew and you still haven’t gone exclusive. You weren’t seeing or talking to anyone else. You assumed he wasn’t either.

The second time Matthew hurt you should have been the last time. For some reason, Matthew was intoxicating. You just couldn’t leave like he could so easily. Matthew had the ability to just randomly up and leave. He would talk to you for three or four days straight and then stop talking to you for weeks. You should have stopped talking to him altogether. You should have blocked his number and on Instagram. You just couldn’t do it. No matter how much you tried and hyped yourself up to block him, you couldn’t.

The second time. This time hurt more than it should have. He told you to meet him at a restaurant close to where you work. So you did, you brought a change of clothes to work so you’d look nice. You put a beautiful dress that accentuated your curves perfectly. He told you he put a reservation under his name. And he did. Matthew put a reservation for the two of you under his name at seven. You showed up at 7:15 thinking being fashionably late would strike your appeal. It didn’t. He wasn’t there. You told yourself he was running late, too. You sat down at your table and waited. You looked over the menu and people watched. Your phone hit 7:45 and you decided to text him. He didn’t reply. It was 8:00 when you realized he wasn’t going to show up. You were starving and didn’t want to make anything, so you ordered your meal. The waiting staff were nice and you think they put your meal as top priority. They probably realized that you got stood up and wanted to put you out of your misery. You left a generous tip.

You left the restaurant at 8:36 and was going to walk to the bus station. You were walking when you looked up and saw Matthew’s familiar head of hair. You stopped. Your heart broke into a million pieces. He stood you up for someone else. Is that what he’s been doing this time? Going to you for the emotion and love of a relationship and going to her for the excitement and fun and sex of a relationship. Was that all you were to him? A joke?

You watched Matthew and this other girl walk into a restaurant. You had to walk by the restaurant in order to get to the bus station. You prayed that they didn’t have a window seat. The universe didn’t like you that much. They had a window seat. Actually, they had an outdoor patio seat. You walked by them and begged for their attention not to be on you. You didn’t pay attention to them. You ignored them. You remember Matthew calling out to you. You heard him call you ‘someone he knows’ as if you two weren’t a thing. Well, you actually weren’t. Yes, you both slept together and went on dates. But, as you now know, doesn’t mean that you two were exclusive. Yes, you weren’t seeing anyone else but that didn’t mean he wasn’t. You got on the bus and willed the tears to stay away until you got home. It worked. You weren’t sure what you’d do if you cried whilst on the bus.

The minute you walked into your apartment, you collapsed. The tears began streaming down your face. You weren’t sure why you were letting yourself to continue getting hurt by him. He’s stood you up before; however, normally you didn’t catch him with another girl. Normally, he texted you an apology. Was he with her all this time? What were you doing? Matthew was playing a game with you that you didn’t know what the rules were. You were in uncharted territory. You were like Henry Hudson looking for the Northwest Passage. You were like the Avengers after it was revealed that Thanos had destroyed the Infinity Stones. You were lost.

Despite this hurt, you kept on giving him excuses. You kept saying, what if he forgot? What if she was just a friend? You knew, however, deep down, that this wasn’t the case. You knew that Matthew didn’t care for you the way that you did.

You still went back to him. You went back to Matthew, the boy you cared for. The boy you were falling for. You were eating up the small bits of crumbs he gave you. You were waiting for the whole loaf. You were waiting on a boy who didn’t know what he was doing to you. You were falling for a boy. A boy! An immature boy who didn’t want to grow up. A boy who thought he lived in Neverland where he had forever to act like this. A boy who thought that it was okay to treat you like this. You were falling for a boy who would continue to fly away from you and then come back and you’d welcome him back. He flew away because he knew that you’d take him back. All this, and you had never been referred to as his girlfriend. You didn’t refer to him as your boyfriend because that’s not what you guys were. You were nothing but an adventure to him. You were nothing but an adventure that quickened his pulse. You were nothing more than just a girl who he could lead on and use for his games. You didn’t matter to him the way that Matthew mattered to you. Matthew didn’t carve out a part of his life for you the way that you did for him.

He was a boy lost in a world of adults.

Deep down, I knew that you were too good to be true But every piece and part of me wanted to believe in you But now it's happily ever never I guess now I know better

You wish you could say that after he stood you up, you stopped talking to him. It wasn’t. Sadly, Matthew still continued to hurt you. And you let him. You weren’t sure why. You kept telling people that the times that you were together made up for all of the times he hurt you. All those times he stood you up, ignored you, disappeared on you, or made you cry were made up with good memories. What were those good memories? Those were so far and in between that you couldn’t even remember what they were. If someone had to ask you what your favorite memory is with Matthew, you’d have to pause and think for a moment. Actually, many moments. Oftentimes, you changed the subject. Deep down, you knew that those memories didn’t exist. Matthew hasn’t made you happy in a long time. But, your heart raced every time that you saw him. That, to you, was enough to keep him in your life and not block him out.

One night, you were up waiting for Matthew. He had a Flames charity event and told you it was team only and no significant others. You believed him. You soaked it up and believed him. Matthew never gave you any reason for you to doubt what he was saying. He told you he’d stop by afterwards, so you waited. It was 10:57 when you got an Instagram notification. It was Annica. She posted a photo on Instagram. You open it up and look at the photo. Your face pales. She was at the charity event. So Matthew lied. That was the right thing for you to think. You think you wouldn’t have defended Matthew, right? Sadly, you made up excuses for him. Your conclusion was that only exclusive and labeled girlfriends could attend. That made sense, right? The Flames organization wouldn’t want some random girls to show up. Content with this answer, you closed your phone and returned back to the show you were watching.

You weren’t sure when Matthew would be home, so you texted him. You opened up Instagram to waste some time. You checked the time; it was 11:46. You scrolled and your eye caught on what the Flames had posted. It was photos from the Flames event that night. You swipe through the first three photos. All photos of the team. The fourth photo caught your attention. Matthew was standing there with Annica, Elias, Jacob, and another girl. Had this been any other situation, you would have assumed it was Jacob’s girlfriend. However, you knew he was single as he told you so just recently. Also, this was the same girl that Matthew was with the night he stood you up. To make matters worse, she was standing at the end of the picture and Matthew’s hand was visibly on her waist. You click on the photo and see that she’s tagged. You go to her profile and sigh in relief that it’s public. You notice that she’s updated her story. The first photo is of her and Matthew taking a mirror selfie in an elevator. The second photo is of Matthew kissing her. Matthew was kissing another girl. He lied. Matthew lied. He was in this relationship with another girl and was still seeing you. He was kissing you and sleeping with you as if it were no big deal. Did she know? Did the team know? You’ve met the team numerous times. Did they know? You look through her feed and see many photos of Matthew. Them on dates or just out and about. Matthew was hurting you and stringing you along. He didn’t care.

You weren’t sure why this time you finally realized what was happening. You weren’t sure why it was this instance that finally broke your heart. You couldn’t take it. You immediately blocked Matthew on Instagram and unfollowed everyone on his team and anyone you followed because they were friends with Matthew. You went and blocked his phone number and deleted every photo of him. In the morning, you decided that you would purge your apartment of anything Matthew. You went to bed and cried yourself to sleep.

You fell for a boy who used you for a game. You fell for a boy who only wanted an adventure. You fell for a boy who only wanted to play. There was nothing more than that. He never cared for you in the way you did. He led you on for almost two years and you defended him. You let him do this to you. Yes, Matthew was to blame but so were you. You let him do this to you.

He was Peter Pan and you were Wendy. You grew up but he didn’t.

You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland You don't understand You'll never grow up You're never gonna be a man Peter Pan

The next morning, you got rid of anything that reminded you of Matthew. You also told your landlord that you were not going to renew your lease at the end of the month. You had to leave. You knew that if Matthew had any way of finding you, you’d let him in and back into your life. You started looking for new apartments and a new job. You couldn’t stay in Calgary. You had to leave. You couldn’t stay in a city where someone who broke you so badly was.

You stayed in a short term apartment until you found a new job and place outside of Calgary. You couldn’t stay at the apartment you were at. You knew Matthew and you knew that he’d just randomly stop by to surprise you. Normally, that would make your heart melt. Now, you were callous and ruthless. You couldn’t let him into your life. You couldn’t let yourself see him. You knew that the minute you looked into his eyes and saw his smile, you’d cave. You refused to let yourself do that.

You got a message from Jacob the other day. You read it but ignored it. You didn’t care that it would be marked as read. He said something about how you disappeared off the face of the earth and Matthew was scared as to where you were. Now he cares? Not all of these other times that he broke your heart and made you cry? Most people would find that sweet and romantic. You knew better. You knew that he knew that you finally caught onto his game. You know that he knows. He’s worried that you’re going to tell this other girl the truth.

Jacob sent you another message shortly after saying that he was worried about you, not Matthew. Your heart warmed knowing that someone cared about you; however, you were skeptical. You didn’t want to open your heart again. You replied to Jacob and told him that you were fine. Jacob must have told Matthew because Matthew emailed you. He went to the effort to look for your work email and send a message. You almost caved. You were about to reply but then you remembered what he did and you ignored it. You blocked his email.

Two days later, you found a new job. You were moving to Toronto for a new job. You gave your two weeks notice and planned everything you possibly could to leave right away. The longer you were in Calgary the more it hurt. When the day finally came to go to Toronto, you breathed a sigh of relief. You were sad to leave your friends and to be far from your family. However, you knew that you needed to heal and find yourself again. Your friends and family knew that you couldn’t heal or find yourself again if you remained in Calgary.

You fell for a boy who couldn’t give you what you wanted. You let this boy take your feelings and use them the way he wanted. You let him ruin you. You let Matthew Tkachuk do what he wanted and you didn’t fight back. He was lost and didn’t want to grow up. You knew that one day, Matthew was going to realize that he made a mistake. He should have locked you down because you were amazing. He’s, somehow, going to find you and you know you’re not going to let him get to you. Because he was never going to grow up. One day, Matthew will find someone who he loves and will want to have a true relationship with. Sadly, that wasn’t you. However, if this thing with Matthew can teach you something, it’s that you know what you deserve. You deserve someone who will love and care for you. This person won’t stand you and see other girls. This person won’t drag you along for almost two years and not make anything official. You weren’t going to date a boy ever again.

You weren’t going to date someone who was a child and lived in Neverland. Never again. Someone like Peter Pan never learns and never grows. One day, when you find yourself again, you’ll open your heart to love again. Someone like Matthew Tkachuk isn’t going to ruin that for you.

Your home of Calgary may forever be tainted with terrible memories, but your new home of Toronto is home to change and growth you’ve made.

Matthew Tkachuk used you in an adventure in his life and used you like you were a game. Nothing mattered to him. He didn’t care. He just knew that you’d always let him back into your life and forgive him. This time, you know better. You’re not going to welcome him back.

You weren’t going to fall for a boy who didn’t know how to grow up. Peter Pan lost Wendy because he couldn’t grow up, and Matthew lost you because he couldn’t grow up.

Yeah, you'll never grow up And you're never gonna be a man Peter Pan Never gonna be a man

#matthew tkachuk #matthew tkachuk imagine #matthew tkachuk fic #matthew tkachuk x reader #nhl fic #nhl imagine #hockey fic #hockey imagine #nhl writing #calgary flames imagine #calgary flames x reader #i'm truly sorry for the angst in this #claudia writes

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marisandini-chu-blog · 3 years ago

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How Shadow and Bones Differentiate Villain and Anti-Hero

Alright, first I need to claim the fact that I love dark, edgy, but misunderstood bad boy in stories with the potential of epic redemption. Loki from Marvel. Jason Todd from DC. Captain Hook from Once Upon a Time. Zuko from AtLA. You name them, I simp them.

So when I watched this new show on Netflix and shown a tall, handsome man in dark clothing, both respected and feared for his power. I feel... nothing.

WHICH IS WEIRD! Like... he’s obviously my type. Complete with the sad backstory and vicious streak. So I kept wondering why I wasn’t enamored by the Darkling, Alexander Kirigan. I wasn’t surprised he was the main villain, I even expected it. But I usually at least have a bit of sympathy for them. This OOC behavior of mine made me introspect myself and the show, trying to find out which part gave me the red flags before Mother Darkling decides to pop the chosen one out halfway in the season.

That’s when it hit me; there were red flags! The show had been subtly trying to tell us Kirigan is a manipulative boyfriend not just by great acting and good directing, but by comparing him with the actual anti-hero of the story who I actually love; Kaz Brekker.

Here’s the list of signs you might not notice of why Kirigan is meant to be a Villain instead of an Anti-Hero.

1. The Eyes

"The eyes are the window to the soul" is a common saying and and the key to good acting for any good show. Eyes tell us a lot about what a person’s character is like and SaB showed us the difference of a sincere man and a man with a hidden agenda.

Look at him! Look at that little smirk. Look at the gaze. That's the look you find when someone's evil little plan is finally coming together. Not one awed by the power or by Alina. A blatant sus move is what I'm saying. Congrat, first flag planted.

Sure he could still fall in love with Alina, but that doesn't stop his agenda either. All it does is potentially create conflict for him to pick either his plan for revenge or life with Alina.

In comparison, look at Kaz when he said this to Inej; "She isn't like you, no one is." Straightforward eyes. Serious grim. No nonsense tone. Inej is one of the most talented and terrifying rogue-assassin and Kaz just blatantly said that he kept her from 'slavery' because of who she is, not what she's capable of. Like... the man has no shame being known to love her while still trying to be professional (or as professional a thief can be). I can respect that.

This is the eye of a man who would abandon everything to make sure she comes out alright in the end. Do not argue with me on this!

2. Leverage and Status

The moment Alina steps into the Little Palace she was treated like a princess. A palace, by the way, that’s managed by the Darkling. She gets favorable treatment; from the food, Zoya displaced when she fought Alina, a horseback ride just the two of them, asking her to call by his name to make them familiar, a black uniform that might as well be claiming???

Dude is desperate is what I’m saying.

Sure, this could all be romantic gestures. There’s the problem that Kirigan is superior in status and name, powerful Grisha, and has a vested interest in her power. Pursuing romance while Kirigan has the ability to make her life heaven or hell with a snap of his finger made every single decision be seen with wariness.

"Beware of powerful men," Genya couldn't put it any better.

Had they pursued romance after they destroy the fold, cementing Alina’s position as a saint more. Then I might have let go of that wariness.

I’m only proven correct when the moment Alina turned away from him, Kirigan made another leverage by (spoiler!) putting an antler to her collarbone... eeeewwww much?!

That’s how desperate the Darkling is to be in control of a person and a situation.

And when no letter came for Alina? That a big red flag because who else in this castle can control the coming of going of letter with the Savior. HMMMMMMMMMMM.....

Then there’s Kaz. My man. There’s no competition. This guy held no leverage on my dear Inej. When she almost decided to leave, Kaz didn't force or convince her to stay but he ask her. Doesn't remind her of her debt whether monetary or life debt to him. In fact, this guy needs money for revenge but instead mortgage his main source of income for her freedom.

HE POSTPONED HIS LIFE GOAL TO FREE HER FROM DEBT ASJHAKFSDJGLDFJ!!!

What more do I need to say?

3. Sympathy Card

This is the type of point you want to watch out from your partners, ladies, gents, and others. The sympathy card is the way to go when anyone wants to reach out to you so you can take care of them before they abuse or gaslight you.

While it’s good to share trauma and eased the burden, sometimes it's healthy to ask yourself whether the person can take advantage of you and to verify whether they lie to you or not.

When Kirigan shared about his past as a sympathetic boy with his secluded fountain and coin. Everything about that scene rang warning bells for me... the part he had requested her to use his color... requesting to horse ride with just them two... sharing sob story that may encourage Alina to help him...

Kudos to Alina to see through the fact she's seen as a means to an end.

It was only when Kirigan showed righteous anger and frustration of a war that's killing his people did Alina finally opened her heart to him.

Kaz however doesn't use the sympathy card. Heck, the man likes to believe he shed away any weakness and threw it in the harbor where it belongs. Kaz hates weaknesses. And garnering sympathy is an admission of weakness for him.

We still know there's a tragic backstory as any decent anti-hero would have... but by not sharing that, this implies that Inej and Jesper stayed because of who he is, and not because of who he was or how he came to be. They don't need a sob story to stay together and that showed a stronger bond between them.

4. Friends

To be frank, I find this the most hilarious because this point is the one that convinced me that Kirigan was secretly an evil bastard.

He doesn’t have any friends!!!

Like... dude had a literal witch army, a wife once, a fuck buddy, and a girlfriend but there wasn’t a single moment in the show where someone, outside of Alina and superior, to speak casually to him.

You’re telling me this person... the most powerful and influential Grisha in the East Ravka, charming as hell, handsome as fuck, and yet he doesn’t have friends?!

“I’ve buried good soldiers... friends...” Get the fuck out of here! WHAT FRIENDS?!?! Maybe if you get off your little power trip from your self-made pedestal, you can actually be less of an asshole and make one.

Sure he excused himself by blaming his ‘ancestor’ for being a shadow summoner. I can see how the fear makes it hard for him to get close to anybody. But all the other characters who are part of his army only ever shown to speak with him respectfully, and the royalty even commend him. No one disrespected him even openly and you’re telling me he doesn’t have one friend amidst all these people?!

In comparison, look at Kaz. He’s brash, crude, and unapologetic. He held true to his moniker ‘Bastard of the Barrel’ and yet this ass has friends. They show Jesper joking with Kaz, and Kaz has shown to banter with him back as well as tolerating his gambling addiction when it could have jeopardized the Job. Inej was shown to actually argue and have disagreement with Kaz when he’s technically her boss. Can you imagine the Darkling doing that? CAN YOU?!

No. Because he's a pretentious ass. That's why.

This is a great example of the use “show not tell” of how Kaz despite his obvious edges has a soft spot shown through his relationship with Inej and Jesper, who have a friendly dynamic. I can attest that while Kaz didn’t create a good first impression, I love Jesper and Inej (they are precious!) so much that I project it to Kaz in extension.

On the other hand, Kirigan’s goodwill had only ever been told by outsiders or himself. None from his inner circle (which he doesn’t have!) other than his mother, who ended up outing him instead.

So I applaud the writers and showrunners of SaB to actually have subtext signs of a manipulative bastard. The Duckling is a good villain character that's complex but unredeemable. Sometimes, you just have a good ol' charming villain you can't redeem and that's okay.

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i-dreamed-i-had-a-son · 3 years ago

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Alright so I've seen a lot of opinions floating around and now it's time to add my two cents: the show's Loki is both similar to and distinct from the Loki we remember, and that is, or at least can be, a good thing

We have this idea of the "Loki we know," and we're frustrated that he's not being adapted faithfully--and to a degree, this is correct. Marvel very intentionally chose 2012 Loki as the version to resurrect, because that is when Loki was at the height of his popularity. By doing this, they could get the fanbase that Loki has always had to watch the show, while also avoiding much of the character distortion that came after TDW. A great idea! But then, instead of bringing this character into the show and authentically representing him, they smashed him up with Ragnarok Loki's portrayal. This was mostly done to engage general viewers and to maintain a slightly lighter tone, but both of these are mistakes: first of all, the general viewership has never been Loki's core, active fanbase. But I get it--you want to make money. The second, more egregious mistake, is that you absolutely could have kept a lighter tone with 2012's Loki, and then easily adapted him from there. At the end of Avengers, he's making jokes, and we see even more of these in Endgame. That's humor that's authentic to the character, and doesn't feel disrespectful like Ragnarok was. When we see the Ragnarok style of humor popping up, we immediately get defensive because of how that movie treated him, and we say, "This isn't the Loki we know." But the Loki we know is, to a degree...wrong.

This might seem a bit harsh at first, but I think the fandom as a whole is unwilling to let go of a slightly distorted version of Loki, and that's coloring the fan response to the show. Because we've spent so long with a character that has had relatively few instances of development or even screen time, we've become attached to the version of the character we think we know, sometimes without realizing that collective memory has shifted our perception of him slightly. We're unwilling to let the character change at all, even if at points this growth could be done well--and even if the character was faithfully adapted, he would be met with criticism because he wouldn't be "what we know"; he couldn't be, because we as a fandom created that character, over time and without really recognizing it. To a degree, that kind of misplaced criticism is mixing with the legitimate critiques of the series. It makes us unwilling to look at the good things that are present, even among the flaws.

As an example, let's talk about Loki as a planner, and how his actions in the series compare to those in the earlier movies. A common sentiment I've heard is that throughout episode two (and to a degree, episode one) Loki is just kind of going along with everything. He doesn't seem to have a plan, and this makes people uncomfortable, since the "Loki we know" was a great planner. Wasn't he?

Most of the basis for the "Loki we know," comes from Thor and Thor: the Dark World, so I'll be using those as my "proof texts," so to speak. In those two movies, we see plenty of examples of Loki making spur-of-the-moment decisions to take advantage of a situation; he's a very flexible, adaptable character by nature (as I've discussed before), so this makes sense. The trouble is, I think the fandom memory of Loki has shifted enough that we forget exactly why and how he makes these decisions, and how they turn out. In contrast to what those films actually show us, we tend to think of Loki as a very strategic character, who is too clever to be caught off-guard. That's not the case.

Loki, in those films, has very little grasp or consideration of the consequences of his actions, because his emotions cloud his judgement; because of this, his plans (which are created responsively), and even actions he does not plan, fall apart disastrously. In Thor, when Thor is banished from Asgard, Loki sees an opportunity to step into the role his brother had filled. Then he discovers he is actually Laufey's son, and in response to this news and Odin's falling into Odinsleep, Loki plans to double-cross Laufey and kill him to prove his loyalty, taking the throne in the interim. He does have a plan, but it's one that he developed rather spontaneously based on the circumstances--he didn't plan for Odin to fall asleep so that he could assume the throne, that just...happened, and Loki forms a plan to adapt to it. But when he hears that Thor is trying to return to Asgard, all of his insecurities, compounded by having just discovered that he's actually a Jotun, come back full force; desperate to keep the small bit of identity he thinks he's managed to find, Loki sends an Automaton to kill Thor--whom he loves, and has even said so several times in the film--and then tries to destroy the Bifrost to keep Thor from coming back. These are decisions Loki hasn't truly evaluated; if he had, he wouldn't have made them, because they don't line up with his actual goal, as we see when Thor arrives. When Thor confronts him, Loki essentially has a breakdown, admitting in tears that his real motivation for all of this was just to be considered Thor's equal. He didn't hate Thor, he didn't hate Odin, he didn't even want to be king--he just wanted to be loved as much as his brother. But along the way, his real goal was clouded by his emotional state, and he stopped thinking clearly, instead just lashing out in a desperate bid to protect himself from more pain.

We see something similar occur in Thor: TDW. When Loki sends the guards "up the stairs to the left," he's not thinking about who they might find--he's just lashing out because he's been abandoned by his family, and he wants to exert whatever influence he can over the situation. He wants to do something, especially if it causes problems for Odin and Thor, and he thinks the opportunity has just landed in his lap. He hardly planned for it, but he's not going to pass it up. So he takes it unhesitatingly--and his mother dies. (Coincidentally, after both his father's rejection and his mother's death, Loki nearly dies himself, and at least one of those instances was deliberate. Hmmm...Loki doesn't want to live with the consequences of his actions? It's too painful for him to face what he's done?? Hmm??? But that's beside the point.) Once again, Loki's goals are unclear, and things go wrong because he's just acting on emotion.

All this to say, for Loki, plans are very flexible things that are basically defined as "whatever works best to get what I want," so to say that Loki is just going along with things in the series, and is thus out-of-character, is a bit of an unfair criticism; despite our misremembering, he is, as he's always done, very much acting as a reactive planner. As I've spelled out before, when Loki is thrown into the new environment of the TVA, he immediately starts gathering information, and shaping his responses based off of what he finds. He takes the chances he has to feel things out (at the Renaissance fair, for example), but mostly he bides his time and actively observes until an opportunity arises. This is standard for him, but viewers haven't really been receptive to it, because it isn't what we're expecting.

Now, Loki claims to have a larger plan (something that we think we remember being common), but that's not actually the case. When speaking to Lady Loki/(Enchantress??), he says his ultimate goal is to overthrow the TVA--but he also framed his supposed overall plan as "get an audience with the Time Keepers" when speaking to Mobius. Neither of these are true. In order to more effectively manipulate others, he pretends to have large-scale motivations: with Lady Loki/Enchantress, he knows she will likely only respect him if he claims to have an endgame, since she so clearly does herself, so he manufactures one she likely wouldn't oppose. Mobius, on the other hand, would likely be suspicious without the red-herring Loki throws him; since Mobius believes Loki's trying to get an audience with the Time Keepers, he doesn't become suspicious about how quickly Loki becomes eager to catch the other variant, which would otherwise have been an appropriately huge red flag. But these are just misdirections, further things that Loki is doing to keep himself in the best position possible. That's why his claims of a grand plan (particularly to Lady Loki/Enchantress) sound sudden or unrealistic: they are. But because we think we remember Loki being someone who would have a larger plan, we aren't able to see that he doesn't need to.

This time, unlike in Thor and TDW, Loki's immediate goals are clear: escape the TVA. Be free. Despite Mobius' attempts to get him into a hyper-emotional, and thus, less careful, state of mind, Loki keeps his wits about him. He's intentional with his decisions. He's not lashing out. For once, he's aware of and considers the consequences of his actions--we see him weighing the options as he stands in front of the portal--and he makes the right decisions because his goal is clear in his mind. And this makes all the difference. Loki plays the game expertly, and for the first time, he wins--he escapes.

And I think this is an excellent development, one that deserves more appreciation than we're giving it. It's a good thing that he's not behaving how we think we remember him, as some master planner--that would be being unfaithful to his character. Loki isn't the same as Lady Loki/Enchantress. He doesn't have a grand plan. He just, finally, knows what he really wants. That shows growth, and that is the kind of change we have to want to see, and be willing to accept; so in that regard, it's even good that this Loki is different than he actually was. The Loki we see in Thor and TDW is a highly emotional, and very broken, character, who reacts to his environment often without thinking of the potential consequences; the Loki we're being shown here is still emotional, still clearly affected by what he's gone through, but is now able--or is now being allowed!--to demonstrate his actual capabilities. He ACTUALLY GETS WHAT HE WANTS. That's the first time that's happened, the first time his attempts to protect himself or outsmart someone have actually ended in success instead of disaster. And that's exactly what you should do with a character.

Now, a valid quibble with Loki's characterization is that these things are not obvious, and that is a very legitimate criticism. It's hard to see that Loki is manipulating Mobius by pretending to be helpful, because the show seems to be framing it in a way that encourages us to take Loki at face value. Loki's behavior is an intentional obfuscation, but it can be hard to realize that if it seems like that's what the show is telling us Loki really is. Personally, I justify this by saying that the show is showing us Loki as he wants to be perceived--when Loki is bluffing in episode one, he seems cartoonish and over the top, but certainly nothing like he actually is, and this is what he intends. When he seems too jovial and trusting in episode two, that's because that's what he's presenting to Mobius. It's about whether we buy into the act as much as the other characters do--which is why Loki's most in-character scenes come when he's alone. When he has no one to perform for, he stops performing for us, too, and we see the genuine presentation. But, I could be wrong--maybe this isn't intentional at all. Maybe the writers really are just trying to revamp a character from 2012 and are doing it clumsily, and that's why he seems out of character in moments like those. It's too early to say, and honestly, we may never be sure.

But there are real, valid, and undeniable moments of positive development, the likes of which Loki has never had the space to experience before. They are present if you are willing to look--but they are much less obvious to people who don't want to see them. I agree, they are hard to see, and if I'm being honest, I haven't loved the show anywhere near as much as I would have liked to so far. But I think the fandom as a whole is so caught up in this idea of the "Loki we know" that they don't see the Loki we have for what he is--people are too attached to a misremembering of Loki's previous actions to realize that the change in his behavior isn't a regression or a flaw in his writing but a sign of growth. We're too attached to his brokenness and weakness to let him become strong.

We are defensive about Loki's character because of how it's been mishandled in the past, but if you actually look, you'll find that there is actually a lot of good in what we're being given. I'd agree that the show has to get better about making that obvious if it wants to succeed. But I think some of the harsh criticism the show has been receiving is unwarranted. It might not be perfect, and some of these decisions on the parts of the writers might not be intentional, but Loki has always been a character we've had to think about in order to understand him. Just like this show, there is much good about him beneath the surface. And for as much trouble as it causes sometimes--I'm glad that isn't changing.

#loki #loki series #loki series spoilers #meta #marvel #my meta posts #i just want us to give it a chance ok? if we give it a chance and think about it who knows--maybe it will surprise us just like loki does #and i do think that we have grown so attached to 'our' version of loki that we haven't realized it isn't truly attainable #we've had nothing for so long that we've formed this idealized image of the character that no portrayal can ever live up to #and while this is a natural consequence of how marvel has handled things i don't believe it's fair to judge it so quickly #we should keep an open mind is how i see it. who knows? maybe things will change.#and i have a feeling that that openness to change will be a major theme of the show #loki as a character is finding himself and perhaps we can find him along with him #because some change is necessary to bring him successfully into the present mcu. and they can handle it better--but so can we #this might be a hot take? idk i just have a lot of thoughts #but please no discourse! discussion is encouraged and i know emotions run high bc loki is very important to us but let's be kind ❤️#kay has a party in the tags #kay can i just catch my breath for a second #quality meta seal of approval #not to hype my own post up i just put that on all meta posts so that i can find them

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angelbaugh-writes · 4 years ago

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Communication Needed {Aaron Hotchner x Reader}

Request: Just saw that requests are open!! Could you please write a hotchxreader with an age difference (optional) for #17 'please, please give me a chance' angsty with a happy ending. I just love your writing! You even got me into marvel fics. Thank you! Ps. Sorry if this is a duplicate I may have submitted early. 💕

Warnings: angst, i don’t think there are any others???

Author’s Note: I spent a few days working on perfecting this. I hope you all enjoy it! Thank you so so much for reading. Love you lots! Xox Angel Baugh

Stupid. You felt stupid. After a drunken night out with your coworkers, you managed to let your feeling for your boss out. He shot you down quicker than you thought was possible. It wasn't your fault, though. He'd been flirting with you for the past few months. Sure, a week of lingering touches and suggestive comments would be easy to brush off. Multiple months of it is an entirely different story. He was leading you on. Was it because you were the new, young agent? Was he naturally flirty and you read the entire situation wrong? You couldn't have read the situation incorrectly; you were a professional profiler for the BAU. He must have been playing you. Why else would he reject you like that? "L/N, may I see you in my office?" Spencer looked up to see your reaction to Hotch's request. His face was scrunched in confusion, mirroring your own expression. Grumbling under your breath, you began the walk of shame. The entire office paused their current actions to watch. Derek patted your shoulder encouragingly when you passed him. Everyone could tell that the boss man was not in a good mood. "You needed me, sir?" you feigned a polite attitude. He spoke without looking up from an open manilla folder, "Shut the door and take a seat. We need to discuss a small change." I follow his orders, spotting the team giving me a thumbs up from the bullpen. You took a deep breath. Nerves were beginning to stack on top of one another. This was the first time you'd talked to him since you confessed your crush. The chair you sat in was a lot more uncomfortable than you remembered. "We are about to leave for a new case. You will stay behind for this one and help Garcia. He still didn't bother to make eye-contact. The lack of interest in his voice irritated you. "That's bullshit and you know it," you scoffed. "I was drunk, okay? You hired me because I don't let my emotions get in the way of the job. It's a bit hypocritical for you to let your effect it, don't you think." That brought his attention to you. "I don't tolerate inappropriate talk like that in my workplace. Keep your personal life away from this building." You stared at him, dumbfounded and mouth agape. "You can leave now." *** You sighed as you spun around in the office chair. Penelope sat in hers and watched you spiral along with your thoughts. The rest of the team was in the jet for the next two hours, so the two of you did not have a lot to do other than gossip. "I don't understand it, Pen. Men are trash." She laughed, "He's not handling his emotions well. Do you have a plan on confronting him about it?" "I can't do that. He's my boss! You know how that man gets when someone makes him uncomfortable. He made me stay here when you clearly don't need any help. He'll fire me next time I even breathe in his direction," you sighed dramatically as you rolled the chair across the room. "Men are so confusing sometimes. I've seen the way he looks at you, and there is nothing innocent in his eyes when he does. We have a bet on how long it takes for you two to get together!" Penelope joins you in grumbling. "There is a lot of chemistry between you guys." The next fifteen minutes were spent talking about the situation. You were finally able to express your worries to someone. It felt amazing to take at least a small amount of the weight on your chest to lift. Penelope helped the best she could. She had been through her fair share of relationship plights and was able to give sufficient advice. An incoming call tore you from the consultation. "Hello, my rays of sunshine! What can I do for you?" Penelope greeted cheerfully. You quietly stationed your chair next to her, eager to get to work. There was no way you would be able to go through any more cases being benched. "Could you do a background check on Frank Ulrich?" Hotch's voice rang throughout the room. "Look for any red flags." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, Garcia." With that, he hung up. *** The case took a total of three days. The team barely needed any help from you and Penelope. It was the easiest, straight-forward job you'd had in a long while. Everybody was going to be arriving home at a reasonable time that night. You'd be staying late, though. Penelope was quick to greet your coworkers as they entered. Hugging Derek tightly and joining JJ in teasing Spencer, she made sure that they were in an okay mental state after seeing gruesome crime scenes. Emily poured herself a cup of coffee as you were approached by Rossi. He noticed the way your gaze followed the leader to his office. "Go talk to him, kid. He's too stubborn to make the first move," he spoke to you. "I will, but I'm going to wait until the office clears out a little bit first." You stood next to the older agent, watching your friends happily rest. "I wish you the best of luck," he laughed, "but I'm going home." You smile, "Have a good night, Rossi." "You, too, Y/N." The team had made a plan to go out and celebrate the easy case. They invited you to go with them, but you explained that you had some work to get done before heading to your small apartment. You stepped into Hotch's office, making sure you shut the door behind you. Nerves wracked your body, and you thought about the possibility of you passing out from anxiety. "We need to talk." You were the first to speak. Hotch sighed, "I don't have the time. There is paperwork to be finished." "What did I do? Why won't you look me in the eye? There is no reason why you should be treating me like this. You openly flirted with me before running away when I said something about it. I'm not going to be some disposable garbage you can throw out when you're done with it," you said in one breath. Tears began to sting your eyes. The built-up frustration was aching to be let out. "Y/N, it's not that." "Then what is it, Aaron? Tell me. Because I don't want to be caught up in your mixed signals. I have never felt like this before, and It absolutely terrifies me. If what I feel is going to get in the way of our team dynamic, tell me right now. I can transfer out and never interrupt your work ever again. Just say the word and I will be on my way." He breathed out, "You're so young. You don't need someone so burdened. I could never give you what you need." "You don't know what I need. Just talk to me about it. I want to be with you. I'm willing to do whatever I can to make this work. I care for you more than I ever thought was possible. Please. Please just give me a chance," you practically begged. If you were acting this desperate with any other person, you would be humiliated. Being so open with Aaron brought the weight off your chest. This was it. Now was the time you got your answer. He rubbed his hands over his face, sighing loudly. You were right and he knew it. Communication is the key to a successful and healthy relationship. He wanted to be with you so badly, but he was letting his insecurities get in the way. "The next time we have a few days off, we can go out. We'll talk about boundaries and what we want out of this. I have never been good at expressing my emotions healthily. I do have feelings for you. I'm willing to try anything if it means keeping you in my life." "It's a date." Your smile did not fade for the rest of the night.

#aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner #penelope garcia #spencer reid #david rossi #emily prentiss #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds

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watchinglikeafangirl · 4 years ago

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Lovely Writer Episode 5

Since it was too late yesterday to write down my thoughts completely and I just ended up writing a small post, I'm going to write it all down right now.

And I have stuff to say, guys. So much happened yesterday in Lovely Writer. But the first question is: Is it "Aey", "Aoey" or "Aeoy" (I'm so confused)? Because they suddenly changed their way of calling him and there's an 'o' out of the blue. Why did they change his name after four episodes?

Nevermind. It was just something I asked myself the whole episode but I guess, no one really knows the answer.

Anyway, here are my first impressions and thoughts in general about Lovely Writer Episode 5:

Gene's negative flaw

Gene is the protagonist here but he is not the kind of protagonist you automatically like and especially not every part of him. He is cute and when he's with Nubsib, we only see that part of him because Nubsib finds him cute and adorable. Nubsib even calls him cute more than once. After episode 3, I said, they are pretending but I would change my statement into something like "they are just not showing every part of themselves" because pretending is something else. Preteneding is covering your true identity and it's different from not telling everything about you. I don't think Nubsib pretends. He just hides some stuff about himself when he's with Gene and vise versa. But at the set, we can see Gene is jealous. He is posessive over someone who isn't even his. It is not necessarily a red flag because he allows Nubsib to live his own life ("Go with him if you want to"). But he doesn't like the idea and the sight of Nubsib with someone else. He even leaves the set because of it. It's pretty clear he gets jealous and this jealousy gets adressed later on when he waits for Nubsib to come home but is too pissed to talk to him. Nubsib has to ask him and only then Gene admits it. Like I said, not necessarily a red flag or big problem because at least they talk about it and Nubsib reasures him but it can become a conflict later on. At least, when they are together.

promotion of BLs

Lovely Writer shows the behind the scenes of a typical low-budget BL and I believe it captures the BL industry quite well, although I'm not an expert. I can only judge from what I see on the outside. But with some shows, I've always had the feeling that things are not running smoothly and Lovely Writer just confirms that feeling. This show is very uncomfortable sometimes.

When I first started watching BLs last year, I was very overwhelmed and surprised by all these ships ot there. I was used to the marketing strategies of Marvel or Hollywood in general and European films. The asian way of marketing and promoting a show is different. It focuses more on the actors and their chemistry, not completely on the story in the show or movie. Or at least, I have the feeling it's different. Of course, different is not bad, just unusual.

I am still surprised of how much the promotion focuses on the actors, especially when it comes to BLs. People ship the actors because their lives and the roles they play get mixed up and fans see chemistry because they've seen the show. I feel like there is a blurry line between actor and character which leads to an immense personality cult. I know, it's because of the contracts and I believe they're the real problem because if you don't portray the actors as such and create a ship, their privacy and personal space gets invaded very quickly and in an inhuman way which easily leads to drama. Things will turn ugly at some point and that's not nice for the actors at all.

Lovely Writer criticizes this. Gene goes on Twittee an there is a hashtag full of weird fanservice and it leads to personal drama because he gets jealous. I don't think it's a rare problem. Because kissing someone as your work, because you are an actor, is fine, if you've talked about it honestly but fanservice is something different because it's happening in your real life and there is no line between your work and life. I think you know what I mean. So, Nubsib has to reasure Gene of his feelings and sees it as work but I get why Gene has a problem and I think it's sad that BL actors have to sacrifice their privacy so much because the industry builds this cult around them. This scene hurt me a bit, I have to say. And it will surely remain a problem between these two.

Also, invasive fans... Some fans tend to see you as a sort of object they can look at and touch all the time. Here, these two girls take pictures of Gene and he is aware of it but just doesn't know what to do to stop them without confronting them which is the only thing he can and should do. He thinks it will be over quickly but it won't. If you've once allowed your fans to do this, they won't stop, And we know, Gene slowly gets a fanbase. But he has to make sure they get that he is a human being and not an artifact in a museum. Luckily, Nubsib steps up saves him.

Criticism of NC scenes

This episode starts with the filming of the first kiss in Bad Engineer and I want to say something about it. This scene is very intense but just so uncomfortable and disgusting. What happens on screen is uncomfortable. What happens behind the screen is digusting. And Gene's reaction is really intense. I love Nubsib saying that it's nearly rape. I was like 'thank you'. Really guys, who thinks this is romantic? A first kiss when one of them is unable to move and fights the other one physically and verbally. It's not dominant in a sexy way. It's just creepy and taking advantage. There is no consent. And Nubsib being the king of consent thankfully says something but sadly he acts it out eventually because the director tells him to.

This kissing scene is the worst kissing scene I have ever seen. The setting isn't good and their kiss is weird. I know, it's supposed to be bad but their kiss looks so unpassionate lmao.

But the director is the worst part of it. His answer to Nubsib saying it feels like rape is the question "Don't you understand soap opera vibes?"

...

Of course, it's supposed to be disgusting but that sentence hit me because I got scared how many directors like that are out there. And I also feel sorry for Gene. He wrote that novel and put effort into it. Even though the story is not very exciting or different, he put his writing skills and creativity in this project. And now they ruin that art and smash it on the ground. I myself draw and write, so I kind of relate to him and it hurts watching. Gene only wants to write but it gets turned into something unadmirable and fussy. Now it's more like a rapey fanfiction someone wrote while sitting alone in the dark and reminiced about their weirdest sex dream. Let me tell you, some fantasies should stay as such because this is passionless and disgusting.

Aey and Gene

(I'm gonna stick to writing his name as "Aey" because I'm confused which spelling is the right one.) I think Aey knows Gene likes Nubsib because he always talks to him about that matter. And maybe he likes his novel but still, Aey is very manipulative. He asks for Gene's help. He aks Nubsib out in front of Gene and says "Gene is busy anyways" when Nubsib is not sure. He then reminds Nubsib of their "date" when Gene is there again. Clearly, he wants to show off. Or he's just weird. But in this show, no one is just weird. It will get clearer when the story goes on.

Aey

Talking about Aey, I have to say, I cried last night. Even though I don't like him, I feel sympathy for him. His family is so broken which affects him a lot. I feel sorry for him because he pulled himself together and faced his family again just to storm out crying. It's a nightmare. All those accusations thrown at him, but also the ones he threw, hit deep. There is a big tension escalating and he has very much pain inside. He clearly has a trauma and I hope we'll get to know more about him because his ex was mentioned and something very bad must've happened. Yeah, Aey is a very troubled kid. He is lonely, sad and lost and reminds me of Fiat in TharnType because he too runs after a guy who only showed slight interest in him. The feeling of being unloved and unloveable leads him fantisizing about the one who seems to be perfect in his eyes. And it will all crash down for him.

But who is Mhok? Were they best friends? Were they lovers? Is that their first kiss? It doesn't feel like a first kiss to me but I could be wrong...

What Lovely Writer does right

This show's promotion is exactly like I wanted it to be. No personality cult. That's a very important point for me because they are humans too and I believe it's disgusting to shed flashligh on actors so much. They are not a big ship, I guess. At least, none that I've heard of. They do some Q&A videos or behind the scenes stuff but not openly toxic behavior and discussions about private matters. They don't pretend to be in love for the fanservice and are pretty much looking like they are just doing their job.

This show is definetlely different and I love that part very much about it. So, I will defineltely keep watching and keep my hopes up.

#lovely writer #nubisb #gene #gene x nubsib #i am so entertained by this show #but every week i just lie there staring onto the dark #and think about it all for a few minutes

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onebadwinter · 4 years ago

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Baron Helmut Zemo Tropes

Taken from Here and Here

Anti-Villain: Sometimes verges on this, though it's a case of Depending on the Writer.

Arch-Enemy: After his father's death, he takes this role to Captain America and leads the Masters of Evil after inheriting the title.

Aristocrats Are Evil: He's a baron after all, and believes his aristocratic heritage entitles him to rule.

Avenging the Villain: Helmut's original motive was to kill Captain America because he killed his father. Eventually, Helmut came to the realization that actually, Heinrich was an awful father and an even worse person.

Badass Normal: Has no powers, but regularly fights the likes of Captain America and the Avengers. He usually has a contingency that will allow him to deal with his opponent's plans anyway; it's only when these contingencies fail (as happened during his battle with Moonstone at the end of the initial run on Thunderbolts) that he's in trouble.

The Big Bad: Of his fare share of arcs, particularly those involving the Masters of Evil.

Brain Uploading: He only survived being decapitated because Techno uploaded his consciousness to a computer.

Butter Face: A Rare Male Example. He has the body you'd expect of somebody who can keep up with Captain America in terms of physique... but that handsome form is contrasted by a hideously malformed visage. For a while, he had a young, dashing look again after hijacking the body of the Helmut from another Earth, but only two years later his face got disfigured again. When he got Carla Sofen's Moonstone, he used it to fix that, but when Melissa broke it again...

Calling the Old Man Out: During his trip back in time, he ran into his father while the latter was gleefully doing mad science for the Nazis. Helmut had long since discarded any Nazi prejudices he had once had, and was fuming watching his father put down other races, the handicapped, etc. Finally he had enough and started beating the hell out of him while giving a "Reason You Suck" Speech. Quite the sign of Character Development for the guy who started out worshiping and avenging his father's memory.

Captain Patriotic: At the beginning of the Thunderbolts, he disguised himself as Citizen V, supposedly the son of a previous hero who'd gone by that name, whom Zemo had killed. Zemo went the whole hog, even decking himself in a cape designed after the American flag.

The Chessmaster: Zemo has a plan for everything, and lays them out months in advance.

Cool Mask: Wears a tighter fitting version of his father's mask.

The Cynic: Has a generally negative view of humanity.

Daddy Issues: He loved his father, and his father loved him... until the Adhesive X incident, where he became outright abusive in every way. Originally, Helmut blamed Captain America. Now, he acknowledges that his father was just a horrible human being.

Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: He once shot the Grandmaster, one of the Elders of the Universe and a being way outside his normal weight class, through the head. Admittedly, there were mitigating circustances that allowed him to do this, and the Grandmaster did get better (because, hey, comics).

Disney Villain Death: Many, many times (see Never Found the Body below).

Even Evil Has Standards: Arranged the death of one of his ancestors during a time-travel jaunt, after he found out the man was a rapist and a mass-murderer who did it all For the Evulz. He later clashed with another ancestor when he thought he was harassing a girl (the two were actually in love, and he quickly apologised).

Evil Genius

Evil Is Petty:

The Faceless: He rarely ever removes his mask, due to his face being horribly scarred in a accident.

Facial Horror: His head has been slashed up so badly that it's practically a skull, with ribbons of flesh draping over his eyes and sliced-off cheeks and lips. The sight of his face visibly disgusts everyone in the original Thunderbolts.

Freudian Excuse: Raised by his father to believe in his inherent superiority. There wasn't a lot of dad hugs down in that South American jungle, mostly just rants and lectures.

Good Scars, Evil Scars: Hideously disfigured beneath his mask.

Grand Theft Me: After becoming a "ghost", his mind was transferred to the actual son of Citizen V (Techno noted it was basically him playing a joke). That is, until an energy conflict - the V-Batallion tried to teleport Citizen V as the body was being sucked into a portal - made his mind be expelled into Techno's machinery. But given he arrived at Counter-Earth, this meant Zemo could do a literal case of the trope, and took the body of his self from this world.

Heel–Face Revolving Door: Cannot make up his mind which side he is supposed to be on. He even once took a bullet for Cap despite being his sworn enemy.

In the Blood: The arrogance and the drive for control certainly are.

Joker Immunity: Unlike his father, he can never seem to be put down for long.

The Leader: Of the Masters of Evil and the Thunderbolts.

Legacy Character: To his father, Baron Heinrich Zemo XII.

Manipulative Bastard: Zemo's very good at getting other people to do what he wants, playing on their emotions and desires.

Master Swordsman: One of the best in the Marvel Universe. Zemo's dueled the likes of Captain America and survived several decades worth of warfare on a time travel jaunt.

Nazi Nobleman: Started out as one, though he's moved away from fascism in recent years. Nowadays his goals align more with Dirty Communists.

Never Found the Body: During the run of Thunderbolts alone he was declared dead on four separate occasions, all of which turned out to be false. In each instance, his body was never found. By the fourth time, most of the team just assume he'll turn up eventually (not that they want him to).

Noble Demon: He's much more noble than his father,for sure.

Purple Is Powerful: Signifies his aristocratic leanings.

Secondary Color Nemesis: Purple, to oppose Cap's blue and red.

Take Over the World: He insists it's to save it. Some people (like Songbird) aren't convinced.

Taking the Bullet: Once leapt in the way of an energy blast an insane Moonstone aimed at Captain America. Messed his face up bad.

There Are No Therapists: This guy is seriously messed up and would probably have turned out differently if he got professional help.

Token Evil Teammate: Alongside Techno, he serves as this for the first iteration of Thunderbolts. While most members of the team fall somewhere between The Hero and the Anti-Hero, Zemo shows no signs of having softened whilst playing-hero, and alongside Techno manages to almost conquer the world and turn it into a Darwinist nightmare. He also constantly mocks his teammates for wanting to be heroes, calling them "weak" and "traitors to the cause" when they show the smallest signs of heroism outside of their pubic duties.

Unlucky Thirteen: He's the thirteenth Baron Zemo.

Well-Intentioned Extremist: In his mind, at any rate, after some Character Development, he becomes determined to take over the world for its own good. That doesn't mean that he's not an Axe-Crazy terrorist who's willing to perform some truly heinous actions for the sake of the "greater good." Zemo: I would never have hurt a world I worked so hard to save.

Western Terrorists: More like this than a Nazi.

Wicked Cultured: When being held at swordpoint by his worst ancestor, an evil aristocrat who believed only in the absolute of power, said ancestor's son (who'd struck up a friendship with Zemo) asked what was more absolute than power. Zemo's answer? "To be, or not to be."

Worthy Opponent: Sometimes sees Captain America this way, and definitely sees Sharon Carter this way.

Xanatos Speed Chess: He's good at incorporating the gambits of others into his plans, as evidenced by his deft manipulation of Moonstone when they were both members of the Thunderbolts.

One of his nastiest acts of spite was destroying a box of Cap's treasured belongings, including some of his last links to the past, right in front of his eyes.

What was his initial plan in founding the Thunderbolts? Pretend to be heroes, earn America and the world's trust, become famous and respected, and then gather knowledge on the other heroes to... sell to the criminal underworld? Eventually, Moonstone points out this is a freaking stupid plan.

Taken to the highest extreme possible. When he actually did have the power to implement whatever change he might have wanted, Songbird shut him down with the intention of killing him out of not trusting him. What were what he believed could have been his last words?

MCU Zemo Tropes

Adaptational Attractiveness: He's quite handsome here, while his comic counterpart usually has to wear a mask to hide his hideously charred, disfigured face. This is true to his first appearance in the comics as a one-shot villain, before he was scarred upon becoming a recurring character.

Adaptational Heroism: In The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, when he does don his iconic comic book alter ego, unlike in the comics where he was a straight-up one-note supervillain, Zemo here is depicted so far as an Ambiguously Evil Anti-Hero ally of Avengers Sam and Bucky without mostly ever betraying them until his escape from the hotel in the fourth episode with most of his redeeming and justifiable qualities shown upfront more than his villainous qualities that Civil War mostly showcased, but still likely an on-and-off antagonist simultaneously during his Enemy Mine with the two superheroes.

Adaptational Nationality: In the comics Helmut Zemo is German, but here he is a Sokovian. Ironically, his actor actually is German, and The Falcon and the Winter Soldier sees a bit of his German accent creep in. He also has a vast array of vehicles and a private plane in Germany, and seems very familiar with both Berlin and the German language. Whether this is a Retcon into making him part German or just a Mythology Gag is yet to be seen, though he does identify Sokovia as "his country".

Adaptational Nice Guy: His comic counterpart and that of his father were literal Nazis who wanted mass genocide and world domination, and while the Helmut of the comics did grow out of the former, he still tends to try the latter. This version of Zemo, despite being on a black ops killing team, has a much simpler and more sympathetic motivation, while his father was merely a civilian. Neither have any ties to HYDRA (aside from Helmut's exploitation of HYDRA's Winter Soldier project), while the versions from the comics are both prominent members of that organisation.

Adaptational Wimp: In the comics Zemo is a major adversary of Captain America and the Avengers, with a particular emphasis on his skills at fencing and manipulation. While this version retains his cunning, he is also presented as much less of a direct threat to anyone despite being a former black operative; when Black Panther decides to bring him in alive, he goes down with barely a struggle. Most of his success ties into this, with him exploiting his lack of obvious supervillainous affect to stay under the heroes' radar until his plan requires him to show his hand, then relying on Steve and Tony's flaws and personal issues to do most of the work for him. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier shows that he hasn't forgotten how to do his own dirty work, however, putting his soldier skills to use alongside his usual guile and strategizing once he gets back into the fray.

Adaptation Personality Change: In the comics, Zemo is generally depicted as an unapologetic villain who is primarily driven by a selfish desire to rule over others. His film version, on the other hand, has a much more sympathetic motive for his villainous actions, as he's just a victim of the Avengers' collateral damage in Sokovia seeking revenge for the death of his entire family.

Affably Evil:

Alas, Poor Villain: His defeat in Civil War is treated as an utterly somber affair, with him having nothing left after completing his plan and hoping to commit Suicide by Cop at T'Challa's hands before trying to kill himself when T'Challa refuses to be consumed by vengeance as Zemo has. Even though he got what he wanted (up to a point), it doesn't change the fact that his family is gone forever.

The Alcoholic: Following his escape from prison in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Zemo reveals himself to be a little bit of a tippler, partaking in shots, champagne, helping himself to Sharon's expensive liquor collection, then taking more shots at a club. He apparently approves of the way they party in Madripoor.

All for Nothing: He wanted to destroy the Avengers and was content with them dividing. Thanos's arrival and the events of Endgame undo all of that. In fact, the Avengers are no doubt more beloved than ever as a result.

Anti-Villain: Despite the grim and often hypocritical in hindsight actions he resorts to, he does have some good traits and was hoping for a cleaner way to get what he wanted first. Also, his motive — revenge for the collateral damage-induced loss of his family — is at least a little sympathetic.

Apple of Discord: His Evil Plan is to find evidence that Bucky Barnes murdered Tony Stark's parents while under HYDRA control and show it to Stark, so Bucky's friend Steve Rogers and Tony will turn on each other over whether to spare or kill Bucky, and the Avengers will be ripped apart as they side with one leader or the other.

Arch-Enemy: Since the death of Ulysses Klaue, it seems Zemo has taken his seat as Wakanda's most wanted for the death of King T'Chaka. Not a day after he breaks out of prison, Ayo is already hot on his trail to capture him.

Aristocrats Are Evil: It's revealed in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier that he is a nobleman like his comic counterpart. Though unlike said counterpart, his upbringing had nothing to do with him becoming a villain since his father was by all accounts a decent man in this universe.

Badass Longcoat: The events of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier have Zemo wearing a stylish winter coat, complete with Conspicuous Gloves.

Badass Normal: Unlike most of the Avengers, he's just a plain old human. But, through sheer patience and ingenuity, he still managed to tear them apart. During the trip to Madripoor he proves to be no slouch in combat either, reminding everyone he was former special forces. He also comes much closer to permanently stopping Morgenthau than Falcon or Bucky have ever managed so far, largely because he's fully willing to kill.

The Bad Guy Wins: Downplayed. Zemo has achieved his goals but with never with the fully desired outcome.

Batman Gambit: He's good at finding ways to make other people do things for him by exploiting their predictable behavior.

Beard of Evil: He has grown a beard during his eight years in prison as seen in Episode 2 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Beware the Superman: His return in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier reveals his own take on the idea. While he is against the idea of a Super Soldier on principle, he is not specifically against them as people, but more how they are precisely put on a pedestal, their flaws washed away/ignored and subsequently inspire Blind Obedience. He specifically notes how the personal loyalty inspired by Steve Rogers to Sam and Bucky (then, even now) precisely drives them to such extremes—even breaking the law much like they did to free him. Sam and Bucky do not protest the point. He admits that Steve was not corrupted by the power he was given but points out there was only one of him compared to the many who would abuse it. He is proven right on this point by John Walker taking the super soldier serum and going off the deep end.

Big Bad: Of Captain America: Civil War. He exploits and exacerbates the ideological differences between Captain America and Iron Man, resulting in the eponymous Good vs Good conflict that threatens to destroy the Avengers.

Big Damn Villains: As Sam, Bucky, and Sharon are pinned down by bounty hunters in the Madripoor shipyard, Zemo suddenly makes a grandiose entrance in full villain garb on a ledge, killing several assassins by shooting a nearby gas tank with his pistol before going to ground and taking down the rest in close combat, opening up the heroes' window of escape.

Blue Blood: The Falcon and The Winter Soldier reveals that he was always a baron. While the fall of Sokovia took away most of the power of the title he still has a lot of money and connections as a result of his position.

Breaking the Fellowship: Thanks to his efforts, the Avengers are severely compromised, with several of the foundational friendships that held them together torn apart and anyone who sided with Cap imprisoned or branded a fugitive. Even Tony and his supporters still bear physical and mental scars caused by fighting their friends.

The Bus Came Back: After being imprisoned at the end of Civil War, Zemo returns in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, with the title characters seeking his assistance in tracking down the source of the Flag Smashers's Super Soldier powers.

Cape Busters: Has a personal grudge against the Avengers and plots to destroy them by pitting them against one another. By the time of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, he has apparently narrowed his vendetta to all super soldiers, stating that they "cannot be allowed to exist." At the same time, as stated above in Beware the Superman, his is more nuanced compared to other versions of this trope.

Character Tic: He has a habit of tilting his head whenever he's attempting to manipulate someone. It seems to be a subconscious thing he does, as he immediately stops doing it when Sam notices and lampshades it in Episode 4 of The Falcon and The Winter Soldier.

The Chessmaster: He plays all the Avengers like pawns. He frames Bucky for a crime, to have the world hunt him and lure him out of hiding. This partially causes the Avengers to turn on each other, divided over Bucky's innocence. He takes the UN interrogator's place, extorting information out of Bucky and using the trigger words to activate Bucky's soldier conditioning. Before finally showing Tony the tape of what really happened to his parents, sending him into a murderous rage to kill Bucky.

Colonel Badass: He used to be a Colonel in the Sokovian Special Forces, and he is one of the most effective foes the Avengers have faced — though not because of his combat abilities, but because of how effective he is about executing his plans.

Comic-Book Movies Don't Use Codenames: In Civil War, he's never called "Baron Zemo", the title he goes by in the comics, and is instead referred to by his military rank Colonel. This is subverted in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which reveals that he was Sokovian royalty and has several characters address him as "Baron".

The Comically Serious: His stoic demeanour tends to stick out when he's in the same room as Sam and Bucky, like when he awkwardly jumps to the defense of Marvin Gaye's "Trouble Man" soundtrack, or his crappy dancing in Sharon's nightclub.

Composite Character: He takes Klaue's role as the man who murders King T'Chaka.

Cool Car: He actually has a lot of these. His family owned an impressive collection of classics, with plenty of Rolls' and Bentleys in his garage. It's a taste he himself had acquired, as he, Sam, Bucky and Sharon make their getaway out of Madripoor in a super-charged muscle car he had stashed in the docks.

Crusading Widower: His wife was among the civilian casualties in Sokovia. He keeps a recording of her last voice message on his phone.

Cunning Linguist: Zemo's multilingualism allows him to assume different identities. Aside from his native Sokovian, he speaks English, German, Russian, and presumably French, given that he was able to convincingly impersonate a French-speaking psychologist.

Death Seeker: Once he has put Iron Man against Bucky and Cap, he first attempts to persuade Black Panther into killing him, then decides to shoot himself. Black Panther catches the bullet before snagging him a headlock so he can face justice.

Determinator: He manages to find new resolve after Civil War, and Iron Man's sacrifice has done little to change his views. With Iron Man dead and Captain America retired, he decides he will stop the creation of any and all super soldiers in the world no matter what happens.

Divide and Conquer: His plan against the Avengers, seeing that there's absolutely no chance he can fight them on his own. He even compares the Avengers to some sort of a mighty empire, which can only be felled by using this tactic.

Driven to Suicide: Tries to goad T'Challa into killing him, and then to shoot himself when he refuses. Neither works out for him; making enemies of a guy with Super Strength and a bulletproof suit was a bad idea, evidently.

Elites Are More Glamorous: His family is Sokovian nobility and he was colonel in EKO Scorpion, Sokovia's black ops kill squad. Even if Sokovia was a developing Balkans country, that still makes him pretty dangerous.

Enemy Mine: Downplayed Trope. Despite not personally hating Sam and Bucky, the latter two consider their alliance with Zemo this due to Civil War and the damage he caused; the only reason they tolerate him is that he can accomodate them with the resources they need to take down the Flag-Smashers. To his credit, Zemo doesn't hesitate in helping their cause because of his Beware the Superman beliefs, even expressing interest in facing Karli Morgenthau herself.

Even Evil Has Standards:

Evil Genius: While he has combat training, his greatest strength is his intellect. Aside from his abilities as The Chessmaster, Zemo was able to crack the encrypted HYDRA files on the Winter Soldier program that Black Widow released to the Internet and build a very effective EMP bomb in his hotel room.

Face Death with Dignity: When T'Challa finally catches up with him at the end of Civil War, he's completely calm and fully prepared for T'Challa to kill him to avenge his father, even seeming to acknowledge that in his mind T'Challa's revenge against him is just as justified as his own revenge against the Avengers. Later, in episode 5 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, he's completely calm and accepting when it looks like Bucky is going to execute him, and later he calmly walks away with the Dora Milaje when they show up to take him into custody, knowing there's a decent chance he's going to be executed in a spectacular fashion in Wakanda for killing the king (for some reason the Dora Milaje went to all that trouble just to turn him over to the U.N. where he'll be held in the same prison that used to hold Captain America's half of the Avengers, but he's got no way of knowing that).

Facial Scruff: His brief appearance in the second episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier has Zemo with this due to his time spent in prison. Downplayed in that it looks relatively thin despite having been locked up for eight years at this point, and he shaves it off shortly after.

Fantastic Racism: He has a distaste for enhanced individuals in general, and super soldiers in specific. Specially if such super soldiers are put on pedestals he deems completely unearned.

Flaw Exploitation: He turns the Avengers, particularly Steve and Tony, against each other through a series of Batman Gambits with the ultimate goal of making them fight each other to the death — or if not that, at least to the point of no longer being a cohesive unit. In particular, he reveals to Tony the truth of what happened to his parents knowing that he'll go into an Unstoppable Rage against Bucky and that Cap will prioritise keeping Bucky alive even at Tony's expense.

Friend to All Children: Invoked in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. In the fourth episode, Zemo earns the trust of a few children in Latvia by offering them sweets in exchange for information. But he also uses to opportunity to manipulate them into thinking Bucky and Sam aren't to be trusted.

Four Eyes, Zero Soul: When he infiltrates the UN compound to activate the Winter Soldier, he wears a pair of glasses as part of his disguise.

From Nobody to Nightmare:

Gambit Roulette: The final part his master plan relies on little other than his assumptions on the personalities and capabilities of various characters after studying thousands of pieces of intel from HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. that Black Widow dumped online back in Winter Soldier. The whole thing would have fallen apart if...

Godzilla Threshold: Sam and Bucky see recruiting him to stop the Flag-Smashers at this...and ultimately cross it when they run out of options.

Heads I Win, Tails You Lose: Even if any of the above had happened, Zemo still would’ve won because his entire goal was for the Avengers to disband - whether through an amicable parting-of-ways or a bloodbath - it was always a matter of how big his win would be. The only real flaw in his plan was the interference of Black Panther, and the creation of the Sokovia Accords, both of which he’d have no way to account for.

He Who Fights Monsters: He wants to take revenge for the death of his family, which he blames on the Avengers for causing collateral damage in the Battle of Sokovia. In doing so, he is responsible for the deaths of dozens of innocent people himself. He even earns someone coming after him for revenge in T'Challa.

Hidden Agenda Villain: His motives remain unclear for much of Civil War and are only revealed as the final battle is taking place.

Hidden Depths: Like Sam, he's a fan of Marvin Gaye and considers "Trouble Man" a masterpiece.

High Collar of Doom: He does the Marquee Alter Ego and Not Wearing Tights through the whole of Civil War, but his winter gear in the third act features a large collar turned up, giving off this vibe. His supervillain gear in Falcon and the Winter Soldier also features one of these, albeit with his comic self's fur trim included.

Human Shield: Thanks to his EKO Scorpion training, is fully capable of taking hostages to hide and shoot behind, as a group of assassins in Madripoor discovered.

Hypocrite:

Interrupted Suicide: After explaining his motivations to T'Challa and apologizing for the death of his father, Zemo tries to shoot himself in the head. T'Challa, however, has none of that, and stops him to make sure he pays for his crimes and turns him over to the authorities.T'Challa: The living are not done with you yet.

It's Personal: Zemo has a personal vendetta against the Avengers. His family was killed during the Battle of Sokovia and he simply wants revenge on those he holds responsible. As pointed out in Beware the Superman, he extends this to any Super Soldier held in such high regard, which is why he has no problem teaming up with Sam (who's more or less Badass Normal like himself) and Bucky (who is a Super Soldier, but isn't exactly held in high regard). When he, Sam, Bucky, and Sharon come across the HYDRA scientist responsible for creating more Super Soldiers after the failed Siberian Winter Soldiers, Zemo quietly and stoically shoots the man before the team is attacked.

Jerkass Has a Point: In episode 4 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Zemo explains why he doesn’t believe that super soldiers should be allowed to exist. By his own previous statements, Sam would probably agree with much of what he says, and John Walker spends the rest of the episode illustrating his arguments.

Kick the Son of a Bitch:

Kill and Replace: Murders the psychologist who was supposed to be evaluating Bucky and takes his place, taking the opportunity to activate Bucky's brainwashing during the evaluation.

Knight of Cerebus: He's a Villainous Underdog, but he manages to tear the Avengers apart through tactics. Unlike previous villains, his methods includes manipulating Tony into trying to execute Bucky to avenge the deaths of his parents and turning on Steve in the process. Averted in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier when his Laughably Evil side lightens the mood.

Know When to Fold 'Em:

Laser-Guided Karma:

Laughably Evil: Downplayed the next time he makes an appearance as he becomes The Comically Serious in an Endearingly Dorky kind of way when he joins in Sam's conversation with Bucky to praise Marvin Gaye's "Trouble Man" soundtrack, or his lame dancing in Sharon's nightclub.

Manipulative Bastard: He is very skilled at manipulation, having studied the Avengers' psychological profiles in order to exploit their individual weaknesses and play them against each other.

Man of Wealth and Taste: Zemo is a baron and more than loaded, owning a private jet, a fleet of classic cars, a personal retainer, and plenty of money and stashed resources.

Marquee Alter Ego: In Civil War, Zemo does not wear a mask — or any kind of costume at all, unlike his comic book counterpart. This changes in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Master of Disguise: Zemo uses prosthetics and heavy makeup in order to convincingly make himself look like Bucky Barnes in the security cameras, fooling just about everyone into thinking the latter was responsible for the UN explosion. He later pulls a Kill and Replace on the psychiatrist who was intended to interview a contained Bucky with no one none the wiser until things start going wrong. Although the latter example is downplayed as when Tony finally discovers the real psychiatrist's body, he looks decidedly nothing like Zemo's impersonation of him.

Misplaced Retribution: Zemo holds the Avengers responsible for all the damage Ultron caused; while Tony and Bruce did create Ultron (after the former was influenced by Wanda), the "end all human life" thing was still his idea. The rest of the Avengers, however didn't know about Tony's plan, and did their best to stop Ultron once he went rogue.

Moral Myopia: He seeks to avenge his family, but he ends up killing multiple innocents who surely had family of their own. He acknowledges this, seeing as how he apologizes to Black Panther for killing his father but by that time he’s hoping to be killed so he can join his family, either by T’Challa or his own hand, so it’s more about easing his conscience rather than remorse for what his actions indirectly caused.

Movie Superheroes Wear Black: Instead of the purple and gold costume he had in the comics, he sticks to dark civilian clothes. Near the end of Civil War, he has a pitch-black coat with a large collar. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier trailers and promo images however reveal he’ll be getting a new costume featuring his signature purple mask and even incorporating the classic ermine trim on his collar.

Nazi Hunter: As part of his Adaptational Nice Guy he's no longer a member of the Nazi-affiliated and fascistic HYDRA group, but is shown to despite and openly oppose them, telling Karpov that "HYDRA deserves its place on the ash heap". The Falcon and the Winter Soldier has him openly despise Nazis and reveals that he'd been hunting down and killing HYDRA members for years as part of his quest to destroy the Super Serum, long before the destruction of Sokovia.

Necessary Evil: How Bucky, and especially Sam, view him in their fight against the Flag-Smashers. No one knows more about the super-soldier serum and Hydra than Zemo, and fortunately for them, they have a common enemy in the Flag-Smashers.

Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: While his plan does succeed in its goal, it does allow Steve to find Bucky, after fruitlessly spending two years scouring the Earth for him, and gives them an ally who can get the brainwashing out of Bucky's head.

Nice to the Waiter: He is quite friendly and courteous to both a staff member of the hotel he stayed at for Civil War, and his old family butler.

No-Nonsense Nemesis: Zemo is an extremely pragmatic man who knows full well that he's just an ordinary person in an extraordinary world, and realizes that it will give him no quarter if he were to dally about with regards to his vengeance. He has no choice but to be utterly cutthroat if he wants to complete his goal. This is especially shown in his first full-blown action sequence in Falcon and the Winter Soldier, taking down assassins after himself and the heroes in a surprise attack that wouldn't be out of place in a first-person shooter game.

Non-Action Big Bad: Although he has military training, he never directly fights any of the Avengers in Civil War, acknowledging that he could never physically stand up to the likes of them. Instead, he relies more on subterfuge and deception. Becomes a Subverted Trope by the time of Falcon and the Winter Soldier, showing he's fully capable of taking down several assassins after the heroes, though all of them are still normal humans.

Not So Above It All: After being freed from prison in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Zemo shows that he isn't a stoic and unpleasant individual 24/7. Notably, he jumps in on Sam and Bucky's conversation about Marvin Gaye's Troubleman soundtrack to give his own thoughts on the record, and he can be seen thoroughly enjoying himself Madripoor, drinking quite a bit of hard liquor and awkwardly dancing at the Little Princess nightclub.

Nothing Left to Do but Die: After getting Tony to fight Steve and Bucky, Zemo decides to listen to his wife's voicemail one last time, before deleting it and attempting to commit suicide.

Nothing Personal: He tells T'Challa that he is sorry for killing his father and that he seemed like a good man in Civil War. While conversing with Bucky for the first time since the events of that film in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, he says this verbatim about using him to tear apart the Avengers.

Not Wearing Tights: He doesn't wear anything remotely resembling a costume in Civil War. However, he dons the purple mask in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Outliving One's Offspring: His son was a casualty from the Avengers' fight with Ultron.

Old Money: He is generationally wealthy due to his family being Sokovian royalty.

Only Sane Man: In The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, it says a lot about Sam's present circle of associates that (other than Sharon Carter) Zemo is by far the most mentally well-balanced individual Sam has around him at his job.

Papa Wolf: The reason he's out to destroy the Avengers? His family was killed in their fight with Ultron.

Patriotic Fervor: Averted. As Zemo himself remarks ruefully, while he served in Sokovia's armed forces, his drive for vengeance isn't out of any love for the country, as he never actually had much patriotic feeling. The Falcon and The Winter Soldier shows that he does have some serious grievances over how it ended up, though, even chastising Sam and Bucky for not visiting the memorial.

Politically Correct Villain: As part of his Adaptational Nice Guy he's no longer a member of the Nazi-affiliated and fascistic HYDRA group, but is a fan of Marvin Gaye and understands Trouble Man (Sam's favorite album) to be a condensation of the African-American experience. Also berates Sam for stereotyping himself as a "pimp" just because he's flamboyantly dressed.

Purple Is Powerful: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier sees Zemo don a purple mask, coat, and gloves as he resurfaces to the criminal world.

Put on a Prison Bus: Zemo is taken to prison by Black Panther before he can commit suicide, ultimately sitting out the next few years until his return in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. And it happens again in Episode 5 of the aforementioned series, where he's taken by the Dora Milaje to the Raft.

Pyrrhic Victory: Zemo succeeds in fracturing the Avengers and getting the majority of them branded as fugitives, but he is also captured by Black Panther and still has to face prosecution for the murders he committed. It also works vice versa on his capture being a Pyrrhic Victory for the heroes. Best summarized by the following exchange:Everett K. Ross: So how does it feel? To spend all that time, all that effort, and to see it fail so spectacularly? Helmut Zemo: ...Did it?

Revenge Myopia: Getting his revenge was worth anything — including inflicting upon others the same pain he complained about suffering. Lampshaded at the end of the movie, when T'Challa observes that the revenge he seeks has consumed him. Worse still, because he tore the Avengers apart, they had no gameplan and were unable to present a united front against Thanos, leading to even more families the universe over being devastated by the Snap.

Rogues Gallery Transplant: Downplayed. While Zemo is still an enemy of Captain America and The Falcon as he was in the comics, he also ends up becoming an enemy of Black Panther's, due to his involvement in King T'Chaka's death. It extends to the entire nation of Wakanda as well, as they immediately dispatch Ayo to apprehend him when he escapes from prison in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Royals Who Actually Do Something: His noble lineage while serving in the Sokovian special forces makes him this.

Secretly Wealthy: He may have been living the gritty villain life in Civil War (probably to fly under the radar), but The Falcon and the Winter Soldier reveals that he is a wealthy Baron like his comics counterpart. Sam even reacts with "So all this time, you've been rich?"

A Sinister Clue: Zemo is left-handed and is the Big Bad of Civil War. Shooting a gun with his left hand starts off his Big Damn Villains moment in Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Sucks at Dancing: While the gang rests and spends the night at Sharon's club in Madripoor, Zemo's dancing moves leave him wanting. Let's just say he was channeling his inner Commander Shepard.

Suicide by Cop: After apologizing to T'Challa for killing his father, he says that he seemed like a good man "with a dutiful son", saying this last part with a meaningful glance, obviously hinting that he's fine with T'Challa taking vengeance upon him now. When T'Challa refuses to do so, Zemo attempts to just shoot himself, but T'Challa thwarts this effort as well.

Superhero Movie Villains Die: Subverted. After completing his plan to turn Iron Man and Captain America against each other, he first attempts Suicide by Black Panther. Attempts being the operative word, as T'Challa refuses when he realises how close he came to turning out like Zemo. As a result, Zemo attempts to shoot himself in the head, but Black Panther stops him and turns him into the authorities, leaving him incarcerated but very much alive.

Supporting Protagonist: Of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, as most of Bucky's and Sam's story and dynamic are sometimes told from his viewpoint during his team-up with them.

They Look Just Like Everyone Else!: There's nothing from his looks that would suggest that he's more than just an everyday guy.

Took a Level in Cheerfulness: He's much more upbeat in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier than he was in Captain America: Civil War. Which makes sense: in the latter he had just lost his family and was on a revenge quest whereas in the former the stakes aren't as personal and he's had time to grieve for his family in prison, meaning he has the time and temperament to joke around, make fun of "allies" and dance badly.

Took a Level in Kindness: Downplayed, but in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, he's much friendlier with Sam and Bucky than he was with Tony and Steve in Civil War. Justified, as this time around he's working together with them to take down the Flag-Smashers and even then he still takes the time to engage them in relatively civil conversations.

Tragic Villain: He pursues his vengeance purely because he feels he has nothing else to live for without his family. This is highlighted by his decision to goad Black Panther into killing him and, when that doesn't work, shoot himself.

Tritagonist: Of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, when he teams up with Sam and Bucky in their crusade to defeat the Flag Smashers, while being more developed as a character in contrast to his debut in Civil War along the way of the narrative.

Tranquil Fury: Despite spending the whole movie on a murderous crusade, Zemo avoids all the theatrics of Loki or Ultron and seldom even raises his voice. This includes when he finally spells out his motives to the heroes.

Troll: Even when he's not manipulating or killing everyone around him, he's kind of a dick, as seen in his reappearance in Falcon and the Winter Soldier, reciting Bucky's trigger phrase, knowing it doesn't work, just to upset him, needling Sam about his experience in the Raft, and later telling his retainer to serve Sam and Bucky them any food that's gone off.

Truer to the Text: Zemo in Civil War was a borderline In Name Only depiction of him. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier retroactively adds a lot more aspects of the original comic character, such as his noble status, his costume, and his physical prowess.

Unknown Rival: To the Flag-Smashers, particularly Karli Morgenthau. Do to being enhanced with the super-soldier serum, Zemo considers the Flag-Smashers to be dangerous individuals, and is more than willing to form an Enemy Mine with Sam and Bucky to take them down. Karli on the other hand, isn't even aware that Zemo exists until he shoots her and destroys the serum right in front of her. Even then, she seems more content to get up and run than to try to confront him for his actions.

Unwitting Instigator of Doom: He successfully managed to break up the Avengers, hoping to bring down the most powerful team of beings in the universe to avenge the deaths of his family. Unfortunately for him, it worked a little too well, as they don't stand on a united front when Thanos arrives and, despite putting up a good fight, get flattened by the Mad Titan. Said Mad Titan then uses the Infinity Stones to wipe out half of all life in the universe, turning the world into a total mess that it spends five years trying to recover from until the Avengers find a way to set things right. Even when they do undo the Snap, the world falls into utter chaos once again trying to handle those that were restored to life, leading to the Flag-Smashers taking rise and causing just enough trouble to force Bucky and Sam to bust Zemo out of jail to help them.

Villain Protagonist: So far of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, when he teams up with Sam and Bucky to take down the Flag Smashers, getting more screen time and more of his development unlike in Civil War.

Villain Respect: As of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Zemo develops this towards Sam Wilson due to his refusal to be ehnanced into being super soldier while maintaining his idealistic outlook. He also concedes that Steve Rogers was not corrupted by the power he held but holds him as an exception.

Villainous Underdog: He's not a Physical God, not an alien, nor a Super Soldier. He's just a former military colonel with patience, a simple yet effective plan, and The Power of Hate. This is exactly why Sam and Bucky decide to bring him into their crusade against the Flag-Smashers.

Weak, but Skilled: Invoked. Zemo is a professionally trained special ops colonel who has the combat skills to take down regular men with ease. However, he knows that no amount of skill can destroy a group of enhanced individuals like the Avengers, and so relies on his manipulation and espionage skills to turn them against each other instead.

Weapon of Choice: A Smith and Wesson 6906 pistol, which he uses to execute the other Winter Soldiers and attempt suicide.

Well-Intentioned Extremist: Zemo's objective in The Falcon and The Winter Soldier is to stop the creation of any and all super soldiers, believing that they create symbols of facism like the Red Skull once did. He accomplishes this in the fourth episode by shooting Karli Morgenthau multiple times and then smashing the remaining vials as Nico is helping her escape him.

What You Are in the Dark: When Zemo corners Karli and discovers the last of the Super Soldier Serum in her possession, rather than take it for himself, which would have made his mission a lot easier, he smashes the vials and would have successfully destroyed them all had Walker not intervened.

Wicked Cultured: He's a connoiseur of music and art, as revealed in Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds: He has quite a sympathetic motive for his mission of revenge against the Avengers, namely that he blames them for the death of his family.

Xanatos Speed Chess: He's not in control of everything that happens in Civil War (for one thing, he has nothing to do with the Sokovia Accords), but he's good at taking advantage of unexpected situations to further his plans. Even more so in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. In Civil War, at least he still instigates most of the events, but in the show, he's broken out of prison without having expected to and is more or less thrust into an ongoing conflict he has nothing to do with. He still manages to play the heroes and the villains—that he utterly disagrees with—and so far has gotten away completely unscathed, once again having succeeded at what he set out to do.

He's the Big Bad of Civil War and is more than willing to commit mass murder to achieve his ends, but the times he acts polite or remorseful are genuine. He states he'd rather avoid unnecessary deaths if he can, has a few standards, apologizes to T'Challa for killing his father, has regular courteous interactions with a staff member of the hotel he's staying at, and even eventually apologizes to Bucky for using him. Considering he's just a grieving man who's dedicated to avenging the deaths of his family, it makes sense he wouldn't act like a cackling maniac.

By The Falcon And The Winter Soldier, he is shown to be fairly courteous to those around him (who, apart from his family butler were his enemies before) and he is capable of holding civil conversations with Bucky, even offering him a genuine apology for his actions in Civil War. He also agrees to join Sam and Bucky's crusade against the Flag-Smashers, without the driving of a hard bargain one might expect from him. He is also fully willing to lend his resources from the criminal underground to Sam and Bucky to take the Flag-Smashers down, no questions asked.

While none of the Avengers die as a consequence of his plan in Captain America: Civil War, he accomplishes his main goal in dividing them and is content with this. While the looming threat of Thanos forces them back together in Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame, the reunion turns out to be temporary — by the time of Spider-Man: Far From Home, WandaVision, and The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, the Avengers are still very much defunct.

In The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, he successfully killed the man who recreated the super soldier formula and destroyed all but one of the remaining samples while inadvertently leading to John Walker gaining the Super Serum for himself. This turns in Zemo's favor after Walker brutally executes a defenseless Flag Smasher in broad daylight in front of civilians, corrupting the image of super soldiers in the public eye. He willing gives up a chance at pulling a Villain: Exit, Stage Left to visit a memorial and allows him self to be captured, his work done.

He framed Bucky Barnes for bombing the United Nations, then relied on everyone else including Captain America hunting him down for it, and further that no one but the Avengers would even be capable of killing Bucky, to get access to Barnes and his knowledge of HYDRA bases.

He arranges for his ruse to be discovered by the media, relying on Tony to find out and make amends with Captain America, so they'll both find the Siberian compound where Zemo reveals to them that Bucky killed Tony's parents.

His entire plan is based on assumptions from the S.H.I.E.L.D. intel on the Avengers he's studied that Captain America's over-protectiveness of his friends and Iron Man's complex over the death of his parents would mean not only that the two would turn on each other if Bucky's involvement in the Starks' death was revealed, but that Steve wouldn't have talked to Tony about Bucky's potential involvement beforehand.

His setup gambled on the fact that it is a conflict that only works if there are no voices of reason to hold either of them back. The fact that the airport fight left only two active members of the Avengers, Bucky and a third party present in the Hydra compound in a place where no one would interfere was a happy accident for him since most of the Avengers present could have prevented things from reaching the breaking point. Of course, this is covered under Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.

Notably, this is also why he finds Bucky a bit tolerable, since he is being bewared of.

In a stark contrast to his comics depiction, he lacks any affiliation with HYDRA and outright states that they deserved to be brought down. A conversation in Falcon and the Winter Soldier reveals he despises the Red Skull and those who idolize him, and he kills Doctor Nagel while the man is gloating about being a god.

Despite his profound hatred of the Avengers, he declined to unleash the other five Winter Soldiers and shot them dead rather than risk someone else doing so, as they were worse than Bucky and would do untold damage to the world given the order. He also seems uncomfortable with the concept of experimenting on humans in general.Zemo: If it's any comfort, they died in their sleep. Did you really think I wanted more of you?

Zemo was "just" a special forces operative, but when his family was killed, he used his intel on HYDRA to take on the Avengers and came closer to destroying the team than any previous villain.

Falcon and the Winter Soldier reveals that at some point, he became involved with the criminal underground, under the simple but accurate alias of "Baron".

A) Captain America and Bucky had captured Zemo before Iron Man arrived (then again, he was in a fortified bunker that would take serious fire-power to break through).

B) Iron Man had not figured out where Cap and Bucky were headed in the first place.

C) Iron Man had not come alone, meaning there might have been someone to restrain him or talk him down after he learned the truth.

D) Black Panther had succeeded in killing Bucky during one of their three fights during the course of the film (of course it’s highly unlikely that he even knew the Black Panther existed).

E) Captain America told Iron Man that the deaths of his parents were orchestrated by HYDRA.

Zemo hates the Avengers after the collateral damage they caused killed his family. So he decides to split the team up and in the process causes collateral damage that kills other people's family members.

Zemo believes that "gods" like the Avengers should not be allowed to exist. Sam points out that be decreeing who deserves to exist, he's speaking like a god.

Tortures and kills Vasily Karpov for information. Karpov is not only a still loyal HYDRA operative but one of the main leaders of the Winter Soldier project and ordered the death of the Starks and his slow death is just desserts. He does the same to the HYDRA scientist responsible for making more Super Soldiers in Falcon and the Winter Soldier, finishing his work from Siberia.

He also happily participates in the interrogation of Doctor Nagel, the Mad Scientist who recreated the Super Soldier Serum via human experimentation, and personally guns the man down.

Zig-zagged; he knows very well that he can never kill the Avengers himself, since more powerful men than him have tried and all have failed, which is why he makes a plan to get them to kill each other for him.

In the secret HYDRA lab in Madripoor, he and his comrades come under attack. Not knowing where the assailants are, Zemo makes a quick getaway, causing Sam and the others to think he bailed... only to show up moments later when the assassins are in plain view, making it much easier for him to take them down.

When the Dora Milaje apprehend him a second time in episode 5 of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, he surrenders himself without a fight, presumably both because he knew he had no chance of victory and because he had already achieved his goal of destroying the current iteration of the super-soldier serum.

He uses Bucky's Trigger Phrase while the latter's locked in an apparatus, making him go on a rampage. By the end of Civil War, he himself is locked in the same apparatus.

He kills T'Challa's father in the course of his Evil Plan. After T'Challa learns the truth about this, he foils Zemo's attempted suicide to ensure he faces justice for his crimes.

#HelmutInformation

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theycallmebeccawrites · 6 years ago

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Chris & Ellie Bonus: Father’s Day 2019

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: G

Warnings: n/a

Summary: Chris celebrating his first father’s day

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

Chris & Ellie Bonus Stories Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Father's Day 2019

June 16, 2019

Super Bowl LI was playing on the TV as Chris sat on the couch with four-month-old Tommy in his arms. Neither was really watching the game, instead Chris was watching his son pull on Dodger's ears while the dog sat next to them on the couch perfectly content. It was no secret that the dog loved the baby and had since they'd brought Tommy home from the hospital.

As Chris watched the dog and baby interact, he couldn't help but think back to this time last year. He and Ellie had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half without any success and had agreed to visit a specialist once they'd gotten back to Oregon after spending the summer in Massachusetts with his family. As luck would have it, however, a romantic getaway in England following the Avengers: Infinity War premiere had resulted in a positive pregnancy test about six weeks later.

In fact, Ellie had taken the pregnancy test on his 37th birthday and had told him that night once they'd returned to the small, basement apartment in his mom's house. They'd both cried happy tears and had decided to share the news with their family two days later, on Father's Day. They'd shared the news via a video call with her family while in the living room of his mom's house with his family. There had been lots of shouts of joy, lots of tears and hugs galore.

They'd spent the summer in Massachusetts as planned and then had spent the fall in LA while he'd filmed a movie. They'd traveled home to Oregon once a month to meet with her doctor and had returned to the state for good the week after Thanksgiving. (They'd celebrated the holiday in LA and his family had traveled to California to spend the week with them, taking their annual Disney trip a few weeks early and at Disneyland.) Christmas and New Year’s had been spent with Ellie's family in Oregon and they'd counted down the days until Robert Thomas's arrival.

Tommy had arrived a week and a half early on February 3 aka Super Bowl Sunday. He'd been the perfect baby, too. Chris had spent every day of those first two months with Tommy and Ellie, enjoying every second of being a dad, even on those nights where they hadn't gotten much sleep.

Then the mid of April had come and he'd had to leave for his final Marvel press tour. Ellie, Tommy and her family had traveled to LA with him and they'd all attended the movie premiere with him while Tommy had stayed with Ellie's aunt and uncle. Then Ellie and Tommy had traveled to Boston with Chris's family while Chris had started the international leg of the press tour.

They'd had nightly video chats while he'd been gone and had reunited three weeks later in New York City before he'd joined them at his mom's house for the summer. They'd been here for a month now and Chris had been taking the early morning shifts with Tommy so Ellie could go back to sleep after feeding the baby.

It was these quiet mornings with his baby boy that Chris loved the most. It gave them time to bond before they went upstairs to spend time with the rest of the family where Tommy was happily passed around and showered with attention. What they did during the time together depended on Tommy's mood. On mornings like this, where he was awake and giggly, they watched Patriots' football. Whereas, on the mornings where he was grumpy or still sleepy, Chris would cuddle him and either sing, read books or talk to him. During the last few weeks, they'd spent more time watching football than anything else. Or rather, Chris listened to football while watching Tommy interact with Dodger.

Wanting to document this special Father's Day, Chris set Tommy on the couch so he was propped up between the back of the couch and Dodger's torso. Grabbing his phone, Chris snapped a photo of his two boys, seconds before Dodger jumped up and began to lick Tommy's face. The baby looked startled at first, but then let out a delighted shriek which soon at Dodger barking happily.

"Shh," Chris said, chuckling as he darted his eyes over to the partially opened bedroom door. "You're gonna wake up mommy." He picked up Tommy and settled the baby back in his lap. Then, using one hand, he composed a tweet and shared the photo with his Twitter followers.

"Watching Patriots football with my little guy and our best friend on my first #FathersDay #FuturePatsFan"

He posted the tweet and then put his phone aside. He kissed Tommy's head and breathed in the unique baby smell. Sometimes, he couldn't wait for his little boy to get bigger, but he knew that someday he'd miss him being this little.

A loud "TOUCHDOWN!" startled both father and son and Chris grabbed his cell phone, knowing that it was the tone for Ellie sending him a text:

That last hashtag should say #Future12thMan

Chris chuckled at his wife's reference to the fans of the Seattle Seahawks and then said, loudly, "I thought you were sleeping."

Ellie appeared in the doorway to the bedroom, a second later, and was greeted by a squeal from Tommy. The baby began to squirm in Chris's arms as Ellie made her way over to the couch with the aging Daisy following her. The nine-year-old dog settled herself into her dog bed and ignored them all as she went back to sleep.

After passing the baby to his momma, Chris let his eyes wander over to where Daisy slept. He and Ellie had gone back and forth about whether or not to bring her with them this summer, but they'd ultimately decided they couldn't be without her; especially since she was already towards the end of her life. Other than aging joints, she was pretty healthy and he hoped she stayed that way a bit longer.

Of their pets, only their cat Mickey had stayed back in Oregon, as he did every summer. They'd adopted Mickey while they'd been in Georgia back in 2017 and the cat had not enjoyed the flight back to LA that fall and he had especially hated the drive to Oregon when they'd moved there. So rather than deal with a pissed off cat, they'd left him home with Ellie's cousin who was housesitting for them.

"Are you really watching this whole game?" Ellie asked, drawing Chris's attention back to the TV. "You're really going to make him suffer through three quarters of heartbreak?"

Chris glanced at her and could tell she was just busting his chops as she fought back a smile. If there was anyone who could appreciate the way the Patriots had come back to beat the Falcons, it was his wife. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but respond to her goading, "You have to watch the whole game. You can't get the full thrill of the win without it. It would be an 'that's awesome' as opposed to a 'holy sh-'" His voice trailed off as his eyes dropped down to the baby who was smiling up at him.

"Nice save," Ellie said, smoothing her hand over Tommy's hair. "As much as it pains me to do so, this was probably the most exciting football game I've watched."

"It's a Father's Day miracle!" Chris exclaimed, throwing his fist in the air. His excitement was contagious as Tommy began to shriek happily and Dodger began to bark. Reaching over, Chris tickled the baby's feet, making his squeals turn to giggles. Meanwhile, Dodger barked happily, his tail thumping against the couch cushions.

"You three are quite the comedy act," Ellie said, shaking her head. Looking down at the baby, she asked, "Should we go get daddy's present?" He babbled back to her. "Alright, we'll be right back."

Ellie carried Tommy back to the bedroom with Dodger following, the dog obviously not wanting to let his best friend out of his sight. Chris turned his attention to the TV and cringed as Tom Brady was sacked. He watched Atlanta score another touchdown before Ellie and Tommy returned to the room.

His wife had changed Tommy into a white onesie that had a bearded face printed on it and "I have a fuzzy daddy" written on it. Chris threw his head back and laughed.

"That's perfect," he told Ellie.

"We thought it was perfect, too," Ellie agreed. She then handed Chris a wrapped present and a card. "But here's your real present."

Going with tradition, Chris opened the card first and felt tears pool in his eyes as he looked at the homemade card. Ellie had turned a footprint and handprint of Tommy's onto a piece of paper and had turned it into a superhero by adding a face and hands. She had then printed "You are my superhero" on the card.

"This is amazing," he said, sniffing. Leaning over, he gave Ellie a kiss and then leaned down and kissed the top of Tommy's head. Settling back, Chris tore off the wrapping paper and opened a narrow box, pulling out a picture frame. Each of the six photo slots had a picture in it. There was a close up of Tommy sleeping, one of Tommy dressed in his Patriots’ onesie with eye black on his cheeks, a photo of Tommy in his Red Sox gear with Wally the Green Monster, one of Tommy wearing a Captain America costume that one of Ellie's aunts had made him, a photo of the three of them on the day Tommy was born, and a photo of Chris sleeping with Tommy asleep on his chest.

Chris didn't realize he was crying until he felt Ellie drying his face with her thumb.

"I love it," he said, looking at his wife through blurry eyes. "You've made this my best Father's Day ever." They both laughed at his lame joke. He moved so he could wrap his arm around her and then gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

Despite having a full day of family activities ahead of them, the three of them watched the rest of the football game. It was only after the final touchdown, however, that Chris and Ellie realized that Tommy had fallen asleep at some point.

"Told you he's going to be a future 12th man," Ellie teased.

Chris just rolled his eyes.

Want to find me off tumblr? I’m @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

My tag list is always open, just let me know if you’d like to be added!

#chris evans #theycallmebecca #beccaheartschrisevans #theycallmebeccawrites #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans fan fiction #chris and ellie series #chris and ellie #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x original female character

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maryxglz · 7 years ago

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Tom Hiddleston is captivating in Branagh’s wonderful Hamlet

by Esther de Jong

This is my personal account of the RADA production of Hamlet, directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh and Tom Hiddleston as Hamlet. I’m not a reviewer, this is really just a random collection of my impressions of an amazing unexpected experience.So I went into the ballot for RADA’s Hamlet basically on impulse because of the fact I’d loved Tom Hiddleston in The night manager and the Marvel movies. And also because I miss the UK and thought it would be nice to see a play in London. I also figured because the odds were not in my favour: egh, what are the chances........Right...It looked like I was right when the first round of the ballot draw came back with a “we’re sorry you were unsuccessful’ email. Disappointing but not unexpected. They did mention something along the lines of: “oh there is a chance there will be a second round if not all tickets in this round get sold. But don’t count on it as the response was unprecedented.” The draw would be exactly a week later and I didn’t get any email on the date. However, the day after an email notification from RADA popped up on my phone. It started with: Congratulations, you were successful… and the message broke off as they do in those notifications. So I waited in disbelieve as the phone opened the email; and there it was; I had been successful in the second draw and was able to go online to get a ticket. The RADA website looked to have a difficult time dealing with the high volume of people logging on. The minute you clicked on an available seat a message would pop up that it had been taken. Heart in my throat I finally nabbed a front row, (although back of the stage but still) seat on a midweek performance. And then I did a slightly hysterical dance around the living room. I was going to see a favourite actor of mine play Shakespeare’s most famous character in a show directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh. In an incredibly limited run, where not even the theater critics could get tickets for unless they had entered the ballot.

This was going to be my first Shakespeare play live and I was apprehensive because I had tried to read it and frankly had trouble really understanding. The internet saved the day as I found a page that put the original text next to a modern interpretation. I’m so glad I read it that way before going to see it because it really aided in grasping the language better.The Jerwood Vanbrugh theatre is tiny, it’s in an oval shape with a quarter of the oval being the back of the stage, the rest of it runs in between the audience. You are on the stage with the actors, especially if you’re in the front row. I was on the last chair, closest to the back of the stage.Lights go out and I see a shape walk past me toward a small piano on the stage. The first thing we see and hear in this play is Hiddleston playing desolate keys on the piano, singing in a broken voice a text spoken by Ophelia later in the play. “And will he not come again”? (By the way, the score was excellent throughout the play)He leaves in the dark and the lights come up, really bright lights! This happens throughout the play, going from darkened with spot light for the individual soliloquy to lighting every corner. Claudius delivers a speech about having ascended the throne now that his brother King Hamlet is dead, seated behind a desk, signing a treaty and holding up the folder a la Trump. This draws the first laugh of which quite a few will follow in this surprisingly comedy laden performance.

Our first real glimpse of Hiddleston’s Hamlet follows and I’m all of a sudden very close as he enters the stage right, through a door in the set. His eyes are red and tears glisten. I can see that because I’m 2 meters away! Standing in the doorway, wearing a fitted dark coat he’s heartbroken, grief-stricken by his father’s death. There’s no blockbuster actor, or internet favourite to be found. He’s Hamlet and he’s that for the whole of the play. He’s riveting, you can’t not watch him when he’s on the stage as he is alternating between sad and playing the madness, funny and enraged. Switching between an array of emotions without taking a breather. Hiddleston makes it sound so easy as this 400 year old text rolls of his tongue. It’s mind-blowing to me. I wish I could go back and see it again because I feel like I missed so much the first time round. His energy is up all the way through, he crawls under carpets, runs around with a Danish flag as a cape and face paint on. He goes from quiet sadness to banging daggers on tables that make you jump in your seat. He twirls his fellow actor playing Rosacrantz around his waist (I kid you not!) Rock and Roll style and kisses Ophelia with quiet passion. You just don’t dare blink for fear of missing a beat.Now Hiddleston’s performance is captivating but the rest of the cast is equal to the task. All of them deliver a performance that is stunning, and well balanced. And sometimes just so darn funny! (it is a Tragedy after all...) Some of them taking on different parts as there are only 10 players. A few of the original male characters are played by women. It doesn’t matter. They tell a story I had trouble grasping but now am totally immersed in. And coming out of it with a new understanding and a thirst to see more, know more about Shakespeare.

I now understand that Shakespeare really needs to be seen and heard on stage. It doesn’t matter if you read all of his 37 plays. I only now got the essence of Hamlet’s story. Even though this is Branagh’s and Hiddleston’s interpretation, I finally got ‘into’ Shakespeare’s language because I had these wonderful artists take him on and giving me an amazing experience! Being so close to all the actors really gives it a different dimension. There were no microphones as their voices reached every corner of the space just fine. To hear “To be or not To Be” one meter away from me.... it might’ve ruined me for all future theater experiences :D. As is well known to most (if not: Spoiler alert!) it doesn’t end well for Hamlet and most of the characters. I had my heart in my throat for the last Act and as Hamlet lets out his final sigh I couldn’t help the tears. Sad for his story to end this way and simply overwhelmed by the experience and just not wanting it to end. But, like Hamlet’s famous last words:

The rest is Silence.

16 September 2017

#tom hiddleston #rada hamlet #rada #hamlet #theatre #kenneth branagh #hamleston #hiddlespeare #hiddlehamlet

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chroniclesofawkwardness · 5 years ago

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Words and Fishes

I shaved my balls yesterday.

It had been a minute, and though they were far from resembling an overgrown jungle, they looked like they needed it. In another piece, I wrote about being a late-adopter of the manscaping trend. That’s still true, but adopting the trend didn’t mean that lost my humble southern Ohio roots in an abyss of personal hygiene and marketing tactics meant to make me marvel about how the trimmer I was using (which became conveniently outdated within weeks of my purchase) was so gentle to the touch, you could use it on a balloon animal without popping it. I took pride in coming to my ingenious realization to use the advertisements that came in the mail on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays as mats to catch the trimmings instead of relying solely on the mats that came with my original order and trying to stretch them out as long as possible so I wouldn’t have to pay for replacements (if they’re even available).

As I carefully trimmed my way around my balls and the surrounding areas, I’d occasionally glance down at my improvised mats to gauge my results, as well as new towels, a shower curtain liner, and candle positioned throughout the bathroom. I thought about how it all started.

Words With Friends (WWF) is one of the few games I play. It’s a modern mobile take on a classic --Scrabble-- that allows me to flex and strengthen my vocabulary muscles. When I started in 2011, there was only one tile style, and there were no advertisements to stare through between games. There’ve been some moments I couldn’t believe I got such a high score with a single word or combination of words, but many more (thanks to the Hindsight power-up in WWF 2) when I shook my head at missed opportunities for more points. How could I have been so blind? The best play was right before my eyes.

I know games like WWF are designed to keep me hooked since Zynga has to feed their hungry application developers, but I recently got hooked in another way.

Ever the competitor, I hated losing, even at an inconsequential game like WWF. If I won a game because the other player had timed out, I didn’t feel like I’d earned it because both players hadn’t competed until the end. Who knows what he or she had going on in their life that prevented them from making their next move before the clock ran out?

WWF also has a chat feature you could use to talk with your opponent. I avoided using it for the longest time because for the first several years I played the game, I only played against people I knew in real life. One of my most common initial opponents was my aunt. For months, I beat her every time we played. I relished in kicking her ass all over the virtual game board, which became the biggest drain on my phone’s battery.

One day out of the blue, my aunt’s skill seemed to increase exponentially for no apparent reason. She was suddenly able to beat me (and handily so) three or four times in a row, which irritated me to no end. As quickly and inexplicably as her winning streak began, she stopped playing. The abrupt end to our battles pissed me off so much that I haven’t spoken to her about it since.

***

Eventually, I decided to take a chance and start playing WWF against random opponents. I don’t know if I was looking for a new challenge, or acting out because I couldn’t come to grips with the fact my aunt had finally beaten me. By this time, WWF had a Match of the Day feature that invited you to play against the kind of unpredictable opponent I was looking for. One day, I tapped on the thumbnail of a profile belonging to Kristina from Australia and started playing a game.

She played back fairly quickly and proved to be a tough opponent, winning three or four games for each one I won against her. Like I said, I hated losing. Even though my numbers weren’t great against Kristina, I kept challenging her.

Once, Kristina timed out (which usually occurs after about 10-12 days), giving me a win. I started another game against her. When she played back, I told her the same thing I’ve already told you -- I hate cheap victories that are a result of an elapse of time rather than a display of skill. She offered an apology that she’d been busy. I didn’t expect to hear from her again because the time difference between the Land Down Under and the Buckeye State is anywhere between thirteen and sixteen hours.

Not long after, she messaged me with a simple: “Hello David.” I replied in kind. We exchanged small talk for a few days. I remember wondering how someone who looked as strikingly beautiful as she did in her picture could be interested in talking to me. I told her I imagined she got all kinds of messages from guys all the time because of her good looks. She said she did, but she ignored most of them, adding that one guy asked her to marry him and be a mother to his three children. She declined and blocked him from contacting her, or so she said. Kristina even told me about a stalker who followed her around for a year before being caught. She said she’d never been so scared. Even though we’d never met, I felt genuine concern for her. No one deserves to be harassed by someone who isn’t honest about their intentions, someone who prefers instead to lurk cowardly in the shadows.

Another night, I messaged Kristina saying good evening Ohio time. She wrote back wishing me a good evening NYC (New York City) time. I thought she was just messing with me and I told her so. When I asked if she was visiting NYC, she told me she was living in Hartsdale, working on sponsorship from New York Medical Center (NYMC), and working at a hospital in White Plains. Kristina was very proud of the fact that she’d been selected from a field of three hundred applicants. She added that she’d come to America to get a fresh start after her marriage to her ex-husband Stuart had ended. Her four brothers, Garry, Steven, Michael, and Richard (her twin) drank beer on Scarborough Beach in solidarity with their sister when she’d decided to leave Stuart. She went so far as to say she’d be finishing her bridging visa in January, which would allow her to stay in the United States.

To the question of whether or not she had children, she said she had a daughter. My heart sank slightly because I was starting to feel a connection to Kristina sight unseen. I should have only wanted her Scrabble skills. I thought a child would only complicate things between us if we even got that far. Red flags were starting to pop up left and right, but I was already thinking with my little head. I had to ask, but I also should have known that most thirty-eight-year-old women (ironically, I was exactly two months older than Kristina) would have already had kids if they were planning on having them at all. I should have ended it right there, but Kristina explained that her daughter wasn’t her daughter. She and Stuart had adopted her, only to have her claimed by a biological aunt and taken to live in the United Kingdom.

Crisis averted, it almost seemed too good to be true.

***

I began to open up more to Kristina as the days turned to nights and back again. I told her about how much I loved my grandfather, she told me about her grandmother who lived to be 104 and gave up playing tennis only after falling and breaking her hip shortly before her death. I figured Kristina must have gotten her love of tennis (a sport I’d played as a child), swimming, and golf honestly. I shared with her that my grandfather had been more of a father to my brother and me than he ever should have had to have been, and he too had lived a very active lifestyle until congestive heart failure began to slow him down so much that even he could not fully recover.

She told me many times that she didn’t want gravity to take over as she aged. In reply, I’d point out that I had more to worry about than she did since I was exactly two months older than her. But, one thing I didn’t mention was that not wanting gravity to take over was the same rationale I’d been using for years when deciding to work out. I was afraid of turning into my dad, by which I mean having to watch my gut grow further and further past my belt until my waistline became nothing more than a proverbial line in the sand. A line I once said I’d never cross -- a line I’d move so far away from that despite a steadfast original promise to hold it, I could no longer see. Unlike my dad, I didn’t want to have to take a bag full of medications just to stay alive, even though I’d truly given up on life a long time ago.

Not long after our grandparent conversation in the WWF chat, I began to trust Kristina enough to share some of my writings with her. I can’t remember if we were talking about how emotion and intent aren’t always conveyed well in text messages, or how I’d never quite mastered the use of emojis. Either way, something inspired me to share Ite, emoji est with her. If you haven’t read it, it’s the story of my eggplant emoji fiasco. She laughed hysterically and told me about the eggplants in her vegetable crisper. Kristina said that thanks to me, she’d never look at eggplant the same way again. For an instant, I thought it was odd that she had eggplants readily available. Most people probably don’t keep eggplants on hand. Still, I didn’t think twice about it until much later.

If my ill-advised emoji choice ruined eggplants for the both of us, Kristina didn’t let that stop her from sharing stories of her mishaps. Once, she told me she’d spilled hot chocolate all over the white nightgown she was wearing as she sat in front of the fireplace. Another time, she told me she dropped a fish filet on her foot, but it still ended up in her tummy. I found it odd that she would still eat something after having dropped it, but I dismissed this a personality quirk of hers. I was becoming convinced that she was a klutz, just like me.

Over the next few weeks, I’d discover that clumsiness was one of many traits and/or experiences Kristina and I had in common. I know now that I should have seen all of these commonalities (she’d grown up Catholic like me, her father had been a cop like mine) as significant red flags instead of opportunities to bond with her. At the time, I was too thrilled to meet someone with whom I shared so much to put an abrupt end to our interaction. If I’d known what was to come, I’d wish I had.

One morning, I asked Kristina if there was anything she’d always wanted to try. Her response was skydiving. I said I wanted to dance the tango. We shared visions of tandem jumps and tango lessons. She said she had a red, thigh-high slit dress exactly like one the tiny emoji woman who was always ready to dance in my phone wore. Kristina said Richard had once dropped her while they were doing the tango, so I had to promise to be careful with her. I imagined our two bodies melting into one; our hearts pounding and sweat dripping in unison. I couldn’t wait to feel the shape of her body beneath her dress as we glided together across the dance floor. She purred at the thought of me in a tux.

The more intense our conversations became, the more I entertained the idea of communicating with Kristina outside of the game. I offered her my phone number because it’s a man’s job to move things forward. She didn’t call or text me. Yet another red flag. I wondered if I’d blown it or gone too far since she didn’t reciprocate. In retrospect, this was another chance to walk away from her that I didn’t take, however obvious it was that I should have. I either couldn’t or chose not to see what was going on because I was too grateful for the attention of a beautiful woman read: thumbnail that I would have otherwise considered out of my league and never approached in real life.

Around Christmas, she told me her co-workers were beginning to notice a change in her and surmised that she must be in love. The women wanted to know all about her mystery man; the guys wanted to know what I had that they didn’t. “Personality” was her answer. The rum balls she made for the office Christmas party were a hit. She was the only person I’d ever met apart from my mother who made them, and she admitted to being a piggy when it came to eating them. It seemed our connection was deepening over most trivial things, which made it so much more powerful. I never told her that one holiday season while I was living in Serbia, my mom made rum balls and mailed them to me. I was so happy that I posted a picture of them on Facebook.

One morning, Kristina messaged me saying she had feelings for me and didn’t know what to do with them. Somehow, she said, I’d managed to knock down the walls she’d been building around her heart since she left Stuart, and she’d never felt the same way about another man that she felt about me. She couldn’t figure out how she’d fallen for me. Despite her curiosity, she promised she wouldn’t scroll back through our WWF chat to find out. She closed our exchange of messages that morning by saying that she wanted me to make love to her.

***

I thought this was a great idea. Still, I couldn’t rest on whatever virtual laurels I thought I’d won by having her suggest lovemaking. Instead, I used whatever literary skill I thought I had to paint verbal pictures of the two of us together. I had neither the stamina, nor the potential STDs of a porn star (Kristina was oddly forthcoming about both her lack of STDs and disdain for condoms. Red flag... Red flag...), but I was genuine in my expression of my desire to truly explore her, ravish her, and ejaculate as a choice rather than a punchline. Episodes of our chat became increasingly sexually explicit, both of us contributing content. Sexual tension even spilled over into our WWF games, both players passing up points to play erotic words or make references emotionally charged content of speech bubbles hours or minutes past.

It was wonderful to finally connect with someone on not just a thumbnail but an emotional level. I never told her about my mild Cerebral Palsy, but when she told me she dreamed of specializing in orthopedics, I was convinced I’d found a keeper. I would never immediately volunteer my disability status to a potential partner. Yet I’m sure that somewhere in the darkest corners of the Internet, there are Pickup Artist forums that discuss tactics guys with disabilities can use to get girls. I can see thread now, with posts by guys with usernames like CPaul or DysplasiaDarryl:

Tell a girl about your autobiography, Limp: The Story of My Life. Joke about how you were referring to your leg, not your dick. Ask if she wants to see. If she asks which one or gets the Iceberg Slim reference, assure her your third leg works just fine. If she refuses to investigate on her own, she wasn’t for you anyway. She’s probably a slut who imagines herself having high standards. The girls you really want will get dripping wet at just the thought of being with an artist.

I didn’t think any tactic would have worked on Kristina anyway. Why would I have used something as hollow as a few canned lines or routines with her anyway? She’d have seen right through it all. Besides, I didn’t need to. I’d won her over naturally. My disability was the result of something that happened to me a long time ago. There was no need for me to be angry about it, or keep it locked away like some kind of dark secret. How I chose to handle it would say more about my character than any reaction of hers ever could have. At the end of the day, I didn’t think she would care, so why should I?

Mom and I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. She wanted to be there to watch my niece and nephew open presents before Christmas became less magical and more an opportunity for awkward family photos. I can’t say I blame her. After all the gifts had been opened, my niece repeatedly tried to break a board she’d gotten as a training tool for martial arts; my nephew rotated between riding his new bike around the house and nearly flying his new drone into the oven any time it was open. Mom milled about the kitchen, offering to help my brother and sister-in-law prepare a meal.

As for me, instead of spending time with real people, I’d steal away into an adjacent room to check my phone every time it buzzed. I was less concerned with making moves in WWF than I was with seeing if Kristina had messaged me. I felt bad that she couldn’t spend Christmas with her family. Her mother died when Kristina was three, her father had passed away more recently; her brothers were on another continent. Each time checking my phone revealed a message from Kristina, I felt not only validation but strength. She wasn’t the only one who’d built walls around her heart that were beginning to crumble.

***

I couldn’t believe my good fortune. I’d finally connected with someone smart, sexy, athletic, and perhaps most importantly a deep thinker. Kristina was reflecting so much on our future together that it’s almost as if she knew how to put my mind at ease before I could even get nervous. Sure, I was a bit taken aback by her insistence on how clean and STD-free she was, but that was only one instance in which she was all too willing to share. For example, I’d always heard that people who have more money than they know what to do with are usually very quiet about it, especially if it’s family wealth that’s grown with them for generations. So, when Kristina volunteered that she was financially secure, I was surprised, slightly skeptical, but most of all curious.

To hear her tell it, her father (who’d given up his career as a cop for one as a farmer) had accumulated a fortune buying and selling horses. He’d subsequently done very well for himself with stocks and investments, leaving Kristina and her brothers shares upon his death. In terms of which stocks or investments, she only mentioned Bitcoin, which she was able to sell before its value crashed, and an Australian Super Fund, which she claimed had once earned her $81,000.00 in three weeks. At the end of the day, she said, she could afford never to work another day in her life if she so chose. I had a hard time wrapping my Southern Ohio barely-middle-class head around the numbers.

A woman with no kids or STDs who’s both secure and interested in me? It seemed too good to be true.

Despite babies spitting and old men hitting on her, Kristina told me how grateful she was to the staff of NYMC for their hospitality and all she’d learned. Sure, she occasionally had drug seekers tell her to go back to Australia after she’d refused their requests, but her boss had been accommodating enough to actually allow her to go back to Australia when one of her brothers had gotten into an accident two years ago. They’d told her to take all the time she needed.

As much as she loved NYMC, Kristina admitted that she didn’t like New York City very much. She said she was willing to come to Columbus to build a future with me beyond tango and skydiving lessons. As our plans to meet cam closer and closer to fruition, I realized certain aspects of my lifestyle could use upgrade. This is when ordered manscaping tools, cologne, a candle, and a new shower curtain liner. I didn’t stop there. I added new pillows, pillowcases bath towels, and bathmats. I’d be lying if I said these purchases weren’t made at least partially with Kristina in mind (I wouldn’t want to explore a forest, so she shouldn’t have had to either), but they were also very much needed upgrades, no matter how much she’d become my weakness and I’d become her strength.

The Hugo Boss cologne I chose had hints of orange peel and bamboo for Christ’s sake. The “Sexy Man” candle supposedly also had the aroma of a man’s cologne. Kristina said she was curious to find out what the candle smelled like. Unfortunately, we’d never get to make that discovery. I received neither the cologne nor the candle in the mail. On the day they supposedly arrived, I got an email from UPS with a picture of both items in front of my door. But, when I got home from work that night, they were nowhere to be found. The UPS driver who’d delivered them came out to my place the next day asking where I’d looked for my packages. He advised me to file a claim with UPS. UPS in turn advised me to file a claim with Amazon and try to get my money back.

As luck would have it, I got through to an Amazon customer service representative about seven minutes too early the following Monday. Initially, I was told I had two options. The first was to have replacement items sent to me, the second was a refund. Of course I wanted replacements I said. I had to have masculine fragrances to balance out the intoxicating scent of the $29.99 Ambrosia perfume Kristina said she’d be wearing. She’d let me guess which part of her body she’d place the fourth drop of perfume on. She’d promised to leave a bottle at my place to remind me of her. She’d bought lingerie for my eyes only that the store employee told her she was born to wear. She’d told me she slept naked even though I didn’t ask (though she wondered how much sleep we’d be getting). I had a lot riding on this. Could replacements be sent to me?

No.

Since I’d called before 4 P.M. Pacific time (it was 6:57 P.M. ET by this point), my only choice was to a refund. I ended up ordering cologne and bath towels through one of Amazon’s competitors.

***

Even having Kristina in mind while I was trying to make these upgrades was a mistake, but I was acting according to The Awful Truth of where a man’s heart is truly located and giving her credit for things she didn’t earn. For instance, I told her that I had no concerns about her because we’d taken “precautions” even though we’d never met, or video chatted. In reality, we hadn’t done shit but type messages back and forth.

I mentioned that in my experience, fraudsters we usually very demanding, aggressive, and single-minded. They want what they want and they don’t stop until they get it. As proof, I offered my experience with a WWF player who’d messaged me a few days ago, before I even had a chance to accept her invitation to play. That player wanted to know if I was single right off the bat. She demanded that I give her my phone number so we could text, be friends, and maybe more. I blocked her almost immediately. In response, Kristina asked if she was too friendly. “No. You’re just right,” I replied. Goldilocks would have thrown up in her mouth. I was too deeply under the influence of Kristina’s digeridoo siren song to care, and she knew it.

After the first of the year, we transitioned to chatting on Google Hangouts. I sent her a recent photo and asked for one of her in return. She sent me what she said was her most recent one, in which she had long brown hair, dark brown eyes, and wore a white suit. Even though the photo didn’t look anything like her thumbnail form WWF, it did make fa perfect headshot for a medical professional in New York City. As for my photo, she said I had a kind face.

I may have had a kind face, but I never saw Kristina’s real face. She would call me through Hangouts, as she once did even while locked in the morgue, hiding from an active shooter (all the more reason to get out of New York City, she said), but our calls were voice-only. As for photos, she sent me only two more throughout our entire conversation. One was of her dog Buddy, who despite his Australian origins, had once been quarantined for eight hours at the Perth airport when they’d arrived home from the United Kingdom. The other was of her when she was about twelve. She was hanging upside down in a tree, a huge smile on her face.

Kristina gave me the impression that having four brothers made her bit of a tomboy, meaning whatever her brothers did, she did too. It didn’t matter whether they were hanging upside down from trees, or servicing cars. She could do it all. I was falling for her more and more each day. Whenever my phone buzzed, my heart leaped. I didn’t mind the startling lack of visual evidence that she was the woman in the white suit. Sure, she told me videos wouldn’t play on her phone, but I could hear it occasionally buzzing, and birds occasionally beatboxing in the background, when we spoke. We were going to be together. That was all that mattered.

So deep was her commitment to me, our commitment to each other, that she not only vowed to find a job in Columbus (she sent me a screenshot of a job posting at Wexner Medical Center she intended to apply for), she also turned down an offer of a salary increase to stay at NYMC that was more than what I make in a year. She’d even found a house of us to live in and made plans to take her citizenship oath in Cleveland during the weekend of February 19th. I made sure to schedule that weekend off (who knew how much sleep we’d be getting) and introduce her to my mother.

Before any of that could happen, we had to meet for the first time. We made plans to finally connect in person over the Martin Luther King, Jr. Day weekend. She’d even found us a house in Victorian Village (a four-bedroom palace by my standards) that had been built in 1900. She’d pay cash for it of course, and we’d figure out a way to pay off my lease so we could live together. She’d be a doctor and I could quit my job at the bank for a career in freelance copywriting. In the evenings, we’d alternate between dancing the tango and chasing each other throughout the house in various states of undress.

After years of false starts and failures with the opposite sex, my ship was finally coming in.

***

Somehow, Kristina managed to schedule her job interview at Wexner Medical Center and a showing of the house on the same day. I couldn’t be with her since I couldn’t get time away from work on such short notice, but she messaged me once she was back in New York saying that the interview had gone well. They’d agreed to let her have a month off (she suggested we vacation in Hawaii during that time). Her first day would be February 24th, which would line up nicely with what I’d planned to be my last day at the bank, March 1st.

She also said she had a new set of keys in her hand. The wire transfer to purchase the house (list price: $539,000.00) had gone through without a hitch. I’d made sure to have Kristina confirm the wiring instructions verbally with the recipient before sending the money. I didn’t want the woman I loved to be scammed. The house was hers free and clear. She could have both something she wanted (a pool, for only $20,000.00) and something she didn’t (a mortgage).

I was as over the moon as a reserved yet intensely passionate person can be.

In a not so simple twist of fate, Kristina called me the morning from New York. There had been an accident.

Garry had called to say that Richard had been driving in Red Hill (a suburb of Perth) when another driver, who’d gone fishing for their fallen cell phone, rear-ended him. The guy who caused the accident wasn’t seriously injured. Richard, on the other hand, had a broken leg and a collapsed lung. She’d be leaving New York for Perth that night, with a layover in Dubai (another potential vacation destination we’d discussed).

“Do you want to come to Australia with me?” She asked.

Kristina was willing to call Emirates and book tickets for both of us. She wanted to check with me first. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was fast approaching, but Australia wasn’t a continent I could visit over a three-day weekend. Kristina was disappointed yet understanding. The boxes she’d packed in preparation for her move to Columbus would have to spend several New York minutes in solitude while she traveled to be with her brothers, Richard’s wife Michelle, her niece Bianca (who was the same age as my niece), and the rest of her family. My heart didn’t quite break for her, but cracks appeared. Both of her parents were deceased, now her twin was clinging to life. How much more unlucky could she be?

***

I was sad that I couldn’t see her, but our plans were becoming more specific with each passing day, almost scarily so. There was no question that they were worth waiting for. I’d waited 38 years for Kristina, what was another 10 days?

We’d talked about getting married in our new house, in front of a small group of friends and family. Privately, I hoped my friend Matt, when he finally met Kristina, wouldn’t embarrass me too much with ill-timed disability jokes, but I was bracing myself for the inevitable on more than one front. I’d told Kristina there was no need to spend $6,000.00 on a wedding dress like she did when she’d married Stuart. Even though I had the impression that money was no object to her, I figured the biggest thing she’d be spending money on was travel expenses. Bianca had asked her auntie Kris if she could come to the wedding. Auntie Kris did not object.

We even planned on starting a family. Kristina said she’d been met with surprise from a fellow doctor when she approached them about having a Mirena (inserted into her uterus to guard against pregnancy. I supported her decision and remembered how she’d told me she didn’t like condoms as she reminded herself to breathe during our sexually-charged WWF chat sessions. As far as I was concerned, her body was exactly that. It wasn’t my place to tell her what to do with it. She took it a step further, however, as only she could.

If she had the Mirena removed after a year, would I be opposed to having a child? Of course not, I said. Her voice nearly cracked with joy. I could almost feel the tears running down her face. She’d later tell me of a dream she had in which she was breastfeeding our son, Alexander David when he wrapped his hand around my index finger as I passed by.

Her reaction to our agreement to have a child was as extreme as her dreamy description of breastfeeding, but I didn’t chide her for it. Not my place. After all, it wasn’t the first time she displayed a penchant for the outliers of affection. She loved to send me YouTube videos others had made of love letters to their one and only. You know, the ones where the letters of each word come across the screen one-by-one, with some incredibly cheesy song playing in the background. She sent me a clip of a couple dancing the tango (of course), and the official music video for How Do I Live by LeAnn Rimes, yet another way of reminding herself to breathe.

Though I loved her no less, I sent her only two videos. One was the Raymond K. Hessel scene from the movie Fight Club, in which Tyler Durden challenges Raymond to begin living his life according to his dreams instead of quitting whenever things got too hard. I told Kristina that I tried to live (though I didn’t always succeed) with the same sense of urgency Raymond displayed as he left his apathy behind and ran down the street toward the best-tasting breakfast of his life. Kristina said the scene was scary, and I was nothing like Raymond. She always seemed to know the right thing to say.

The second video was a performance of Nature Boy by Nat King Cole. I’d come to admire the song because I’d heard it many times through the years on my favorite Serbian radio program, Peščanik. Nature Boy had always reminded me of the hundreds if not thousands of hours I’d spent listening to Peščanik to improve my language skills and knowledge of current affairs in the former Yugoslavia. Now, the lyrics had another layer of meaning:

There was a boy A very strange enchanted boy They say he wandered very far, very far Over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

And then one day A magic day he passed my way And while we spoke of many things Fools and kings This he said to me The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return

The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is just to love and be loved in return

Like I said, what was another ten days?

***

The situation on the ground was worse than anticipated by the time Kristina arrived in Perth. Richard’s lung hadn’t just collapsed, it had been punctured. There was a serious question of whether he’d be able to breathe on his own. Kristina said the driver who caused the accident had been arrested and charged with manslaughter. If that wasn’t enough, she’d had a tense encounter with his sister when she came to the hospital to check on Richard.

As the only medical professional among the five siblings, Kristina had been given the unenviable task of deciding whether to keep Richard on life support or give him a chance to breathe on his own. Even though we were on opposite sides of the globe and dealing with a thirteen-hour time difference, it was hard for me to focus at work. I was constantly checking my phone while at my desk at work, whether I’d heard the buzz of an incoming message or not. My heart raced every time I opened my phone case to illuminate the screen. Getting caught looking at my phone on the production floor could have meant a serious rebuke from management if the wrong person caught me on the wrong day.

I didn’t give a shit.

Someone I loved was hurting. I knew where my priorities were. I knew I would only be with the bank a short while longer (even if no one else did) before Kristina and I started our life together. The last eight years wouldn’t be easy to brush aside. Still, the chance to live in a beautiful house with a beautiful woman, and pursue a copywriting career seemed too good to pass up. I was willing to trade the certainty of the present for my dreams of an uncertain future. Tyler Durden gave Raymond K. Hessel six weeks to get on his way to becoming a veterinarian. If he didn’t, Tyler said, Raymond would be dead. In the real world, March 1st was almost exactly six weeks away.

I’d need no such warning; I’d gotten this far by not heeding warnings.

The next morning (Ohio time), Kristina called me and said Richard had squeezed her hand while she sat beside him in his hospital room, but there was still a long road to recovery ahead. I was no medical professional like Kristina, but I was hopeful this was a positive sign. I didn’t know the man, but I’d looked forward to meeting him ever since Kristina said Richard would be stopping to visit us in our new house after taking care of business in California. She spoke so lovingly of him. I’d always heard twins had a special bond. They were no exception.

She spoke lovingly of me to her brothers too. Kristina said they had come to believe that I must be a hell of a guy if I could make their sister feel the way I did by knocking down the defenses so firmly-entrenched around her heart. She said that in her brothers’ eyes, I’d come a long way from being just a random person she’d met playing a game (a game!) on her phone; someone who could have been a rapist. Kristina made me feel like I was becoming part of their family.

The next morning, I woke to a heart-wrenching message from Kristina. Richard hadn’t been able to breathe on his own and had died as a result of his injuries. Kristina agonized over having made what she said was the wrong decision. I did the best I could to console her from half a world away. I’m not sure how much help I was, but my heart was with her even though I couldn’t be. The time and distance between us meant we couldn’t be together to mourn Richard’s death and celebrate his life. As much as it hurt for us not to be together. Kristina did have one request of me, a request I was happy to oblige: She asked me to pick. the flowers for Richard’s funeral the following Thursday.

I chose pink roses because I felt they were unique. I’d never heard of a funeral with pink roses before. After I’d communicated my decision, Kristina sent me an image of a pink rose, saying she’d bought 300 of them. She promised to make sure everyone knew they were my contribution to the occasion. Since she’d be giving Richard’s eulogy, she’d have ample opportunity to do so.

About two days before the funeral she called me saying that that they’d had a least a hundred people at what had been her childhood home to celebrate Richard. Her father had sold some of the properties the family owned before he died, but her brother Michael still lived in what had been Kristina’s childhood home. Michael suggested Kristina take one of their father’s cigar boxes as a memento, but she was content to leave it where it was.

She took the same approach to her childhood bedroom, which she’d left largely untouched since moving out years ago. Amazingly, she still had a doll of Gizmo from Gremlins, which her father had taken her to see in what probably felt like another lifetime. I admired how she managed to look back at her past and forward to our future. Her family wanted her to stay longer than she’d planned after the funeral, but they understood how much she just wanted to be with me. It seemed “I just want to be with you” was a phrase she repeated every chance she got. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way.

***

Kristina called the morning of Richard’s funeral (Australia time) understandably a mess. She and Michelle were about to head over to the church. She said she didn’t know how she was going to make it through without me. I offered the best encouragement I could, told her I loved her (I did), and asked her to be strong. I spent the entirety of my shift at work that day physically in the Buckeye State, but mentally in the Land Down Under. Kristina said she’d try to get in touch with the guys who were supposed to drive her stuff from New York and see if they could meet her in Columbus. We knew she’d be exhausted if she had to drive to Ohio almost immediately after spending 30 hours (she’d gotten a hotel room for the six hours she’d be spending in Dubai) in transit from Western Australia, but it was a price we were willing to pay.

What was waiting for another four days to be together compared to the rest of our lives?

Kristina called me the next morning to say that she almost didn’t make it through Richard’s eulogy. She had to be emotionally and physically supported by her brothers as she bid farewell to her twin. She said she thought about me as she spoke, and she’d gotten a lot of compliments about the pink roses.

She also gave me the impression that it’s customary for people to speak out at funerals in Australia. Her boisterous cousin Anthony, who asked Kristina to “Show us your tits!” a few days earlier (in reference to when she was 16 and her bikini top came off at a swimming pool), wanted to know all about her plans with her “Yankee man” in the middle of the service. I couldn’t help wondering if Kristina had told everyone about our agreement: her bikini top would be entirely unnecessary whenever we were in the water together. I knew those inquiring Aussie minds were so far away from me that our toilet water didn’t even flow in the same direction when flushed, but my face turned as red as the bikini bottom I’d imagined Kristina wearing as we kissed, buoyant beneath the moonlight of the hot Australian summer, her top long ago discarded, floating unattended and aimless on the other side of the pool.

By Friday, Kristina was in the air, and I was making final preparations for her arrival. After the false start of Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend, I was convinced nothing was going to stop us this time. She’d already worked her final shift at NYMC, and said her toughest goodbyes. Among these was Simon, an eight-year-old with Leukemia who was not long for this world. I’d told Kristina I had a Buckeye necklace she could give to him as a way to both remember her and think of her new life in Ohio. Still, she’d placed serious doubt in my mind as to whether or not he’d live long enough to wear it. At that moment, I’d thought of a quote I’d attributed to Athletic Shorts, a collection of short stories by Chris Crutcher, who I’d met at the American Corner in Novi Sad years ago:

If you want to make life important, shorten it.

I’d always liked that one, even if I hadn’t always lived by it. Kristina and I were about to leave our pasts behind and live fully in the now, however exciting, intoxicating and scary it may have been. The pillow on the left side of my bed, the one she’d chosen, wouldn’t be empty much longer. I had Monday, January 27th off, and hoped to need it after a weekend of little sleep.

***

On Saturday, I made a trip to TJ Maxx. I was looking for a new pair of jeans to wear when I saw Kristina for the first time. As excited as I was, I hadn’t shared in her wealth yet, so I still didn’t want to break the bank. I chose a dark wash that I could wear with anything. I was feeling good about myself when I remembered something I’d learned in Serbia that had nothing to do with athletic shorts: You should never show up at someone’s house for the first time empty-handed.

I already had a cutting board shaped like the state of Ohio that I’d bought at the same place I got the bathmats. I thought it was such a unique idea because it served two purposes. One was in the kitchen, the other was in geography. It was supposed to a a cool way to introduce Kristina to the what, where and when of my home state.

Fresh jeans around my left forearm, I almost got in the checkout line. I was inches from crossing the point-of-no-return barrier that separated the checkout line from the rest of the store when a horrible thought occurred to me. I needed to bring Kristina something to eat. I turned around a ventured into a section of TJ Maxx unspoiled by humans. There was no one around me for ten feet in any direction. Intentionally or not, I was practicing social distancing in a pre-Coronavirus lockdown world.

I saw it when I found a few shelves of snacks, oddly placed there in its box between some graham crackers and a jar of Nutella. It might as well have been a resident of the Island of Misfit Toys, or a sickly puppy from a shelter that nobody wanted because you couldn’t say for certain whether or not it’d be dead in three weeks. In other words, it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed: baklava.

Who the fuck buys baklava at TJ Maxx?

***

I didn’t notice the small details of my new jeans until I got them home. The phrase LUCKY YOU was sown on the placket (a word worth 18 points in WWF) were sown on the placket. There was also a small piece of paper the looked like a fortune from a fortune cookie in one of the pockets. It read: Today is the first day of one wild ride. Lucky # 10, 23, 30, 35, 59, 11. “Kristina is going to love this,” I thought.

Late Saturday night, Kristina messaged me saying she was back at her duplex in New York. Her crystal was all boxed up and her co-workers were running out of time to interrupt our conversations by knocking on her door and begging her to stay. Two guys would be there to start the trip to Columbus with her at 10 A.M. Sunday morning. She’d had to pay extra for them to work on Sunday, but who cared? I didn’t. She certainly didn’t. Money can do lots of things when it’s no object.

The only catch was that one of the guys didn’t have a Driver's License, so Kristina would have to drive her black Ford Focus while the two guys manned the truck. The guys were slow at loading Kristina’s things onto the truck, so they were behind schedule by the time all three hit the road, but Kristina was on her way to me nonetheless.

I’d message her about every two hours to see how far along they were. I paced nervously around my apartment all day because I couldn’t hold a thought in my head. All I wanted to do was step out from behind my phone’s keypad and ravish Kristina in real life. She was so close I could almost taste her.

I’d thrown caution to the wind a long time ago, but I still had some lingering doubts. Like I said, we’d never video chatted, so I’d never seen her face when she wasn’t posing for a picture. I couldn’t find her anywhere on social media. Reason, aka the voice in my (big) head that screamed “Abort! Abort!” had passed out drunk for the last time after too many nights of partying with his false friends Raw, Dick, and Imagination.

***

If anything, the huge plot holes in our love story made my attraction to Kristina even stronger. In my mind’s eye, I saw this woman I had never met as the anthesis of the look-at-me/outrage/cancel culture that screams the loudest in America today. Kristina was the opposite of my oops-my-pussy-is-showing roommate Dragana from Enter the Dragana. We talked about books and fitness instead of counting followers and likes. Kristina had even signed up to volunteer with me at a tennis clinic for kids with Down’s Syndrome. I knew then that her heart was as big as her wallet.

She didn’t need the attention that Dragana craved. At the very beginning of our connection, Kristina had asked me if I had any other women in my life. I asked her the same question about other men. We both answered no. She said my lack of other women was a good thing; the only things she didn’t like sharing were her men and her chocolate.

Somehow, I managed to get a bit of sleep Sunday night, but it came only after I read that Kristina had arrived safely in Columbus. The movers had even helped her unload her car.

Monday morning, I messaged Kristina asking how she was feeling after spending the night in our new house. She replied that she’d woken up in the middle of the night and didn’t know where she was.

After everything she’d been through in the past two weeks, who could blame her?

As I had the day before when she was traveling, I messaged her about once every two hours to see how she was doing. I didn’t want to come across as needy, but I couldn’t help myself. I thought I’d found love, something I’d convinced myself didn’t exist. I wanted to dance the tango with Kristina and promptly rip the red thigh-high slit dress, gorilla costume, or whatever she was wearing off of her. I was convinced she wanted the same and nothing was going to stop us.

***

As hours passed without a message from Kristina, the fears I’d hidden away, buried, or just flat-out ignored from the moment she said said, “Hello David” came creeping back. Around 3:30 that afternoon, I knew I had to do something. I had to know the truth. I requested a Lyft and entered as my destination the address where my new life was supposed to begin. I put on my new jeans, placed the baklava in a reusable shopping bag with the Ohio-shaped cutting board, and waited.

Five-star Jeff came pretty quickly. We talked about what we both did outside the car as we made our way down to the house. Twenty minutes felt like all the games Kristina and I had played, plus the two months we’d spent talking, all rolled into one.

I lied to Jeff for no reason other than it was easy; I told him the contents of my shopping bag were housewarming gifts for friends of mine who were new in town. “Yeah. She’ll be starting a job at Wexner Medical Center next month. They gave her a month off to acclimate herself to her new surroundings. Can you believe that shit?”

I noticed something odd when we pulled up to the house, but I lied again and had Jeff pull over to wait for me in case they weren’t home, even though I instantly knew they wouldn’t be.

A burgundy-colored For Sale sign was still in the front yard.

I silently cursed myself for not having listened to the less-hornier angels of my nature. I felt like I was going to vomit burgundy-colored blood all over five-star Jeff’s floorboards. I liked Jeff, but I couldn’t let him know how badly I’d been played, or all that had led up to what he’d just witnessed. I needed to get home before I could even think of letting my feelings show. At that moment, Jeff was the only other human being on the planet who knew where I was, even if I’d lied about why he’d taken me there.

I walked up the steps and sheepishly knocked on the door. Ringing the doorbell would have been much easier, but my stomach was doing somersaults. I fully expected a classic fat-chick catfish reveal like so many I’d seen on television, but there was no moment of truth, no dramatic confrontation. After five minutes of tense anticipation that quickly morphed into oh-shit-what-if-someone-really-lives-here paranoia, I went back to Jeff’s SUV and explained that they must not be home, so I’d like to go back to mine.

After Jeff dropped me off at my place, I messaged Kristina that I needed to talk to her and it was important. I made sure to include two of the kissy-face emojis that had become ubiquitous in our exchanges. As many times as I tried to send the message, the reply was always the same: Sending failed... tap to retry. I knew I’d been had, but the enormity of both what she’d done to me, and what I’d allowed her to do, didn’t really hit me until I emailed her in a last-ditch effort to tell her something she already knew: I couldn’t reach her through our chat. After I hit send, I finally let my heart sink among the crashing waves of anger, sadness, regret, and self-loathing that had been battering it all day.

David played “why” for ten points.

The pillow on the left side of my bed is still empty when I wake up in the morning. Instead of a four-bedroom house, I still live in my one-bedroom apartment. The walls are so thin that I once heard one of the two homosexuals who live adjacent to me tell someone on the other end of the phone that they could tolerate lemon pepper seasoning in their food if they didn’t know it was there, but foreknowledge of its presence was a deal-breaker.

The things you do for love.

It may not be a reality dreams are made of, but at least its real, and it’s mine.

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bisoroblog · 6 years ago

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Sparkle Unicorns And Fart Ninjas: What Parents Can Do About Gendered Toys

With Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty on one side and bulbous-headed Fart Ninjas on the other, the gender divide was impossible to avoid at the North American International Toy Fair in New York City back in February.

The light-up Barbie mermaids vying for space with Gatling-style foam-dart blasters in Manhattan’s Javits Center raised a question: Have toys really progressed since our grandparents’ days? And how do the toys we play with shape the people we grow up to be?

We set out to answer these and related questions in our latest episode of Life Kit’s podcast Parenting: Difficult Conversations, with help from Sesame Workshop.

Toys are getting more gendered

Researcher Elizabeth Sweet studied toy catalogs and ads over time and found that toys are actually more gender divided than they were half a century ago.

Rebecca Hains, a professor at Salem State University in Massachusetts, has written a book about it: The Princess Problem: Guiding Our Girls Through The Princess-Obsessed Years.

Disney characters, she points out, used to be more diverse: There was Cinderella, sure, but also Pinocchio and Bambi. When 1989’s The Little Mermaid made a splash, Hains says, “Disney realized profitability in girls.” Enter the juggernaut Disney Princess brand. Plus, marketers now cloak even gender-neutral toys like blocks in both primary and pastel shades in the hope of selling more sets.

Even with several women vying to be the United States’ next president, and even with a greater awareness of the spectrum of gender identity than we’ve ever had in our culture, Hains says, “it’s almost like kids are subject to stereotypes that we’ve evolved out of elsewhere.”

And these stereotypes can stick.

In a 2013 study of undergraduate women, one-third identified themselves as “princesses.” They placed a higher value on the physical attractiveness of a mate, were less likely to want to join the workforce after college and were more likely to say they wanted to marry a breadwinner. And when all the women were given puzzles to solve, the “princesses” quit faster.

(This study, a conference paper, is described and cited in this paper, co-authored by Sarah Coyne, which similarly showed that girls who preferred playing princesses showed more gender-stereotyped behavior a full year later.)

Researchers haven’t proved that all little girls who like tutus will grow up to be entitled quitters. But play does prepare children for life, so boys and girls both need broad options, says Rosemarie Truglio, a developmental psychologist and vice president of education and research for Sesame Workshop.

“It’s OK for me to like pink things and pretty things and frilly things, but it shouldn’t define who I am and shouldn’t define what I will be in the future,” Truglio says. “Anyone who is singly defined doesn’t make a really interesting person.”

Here are our takeaways for how to handle toy problems.

1. Bans will backfire — no pun intended.

You can certainly outlaw a toy that makes you uncomfortable, but consider this:

“I don’t think banning anything is the answer,” Truglio says. She found this out the hard way as a mom herself. At first “we had the rule: No [toy] guns in our home,” she says. But she realized that all her young son’s friends were playing with them, typically in the hallway of their apartment building.

Group play and the friendship that comes with it are so important for kids, Truglio believes, that she decided to allow the toy gun, with conditions. Besides, if you say no, the odds are that the toy will become even more coveted, she says.

2. How they play is more important than what they play with.

No toy is inherently good or wicked, says Lisa Dinella, a gender studies professor at Monmouth University and co-author of the aforementioned 2013 princess study. With a gun, “you can be really, really aggressive, or you can just be shooting targets.” Equally, a princess game could be all about being pretty, or it could have a sophisticated plot.

One red flag, Truglio says, is when there’s no variety to a child’s play. For example, if your child wants to play with only toy guns, and the play is always aggressive, then that could be a sign for you, as a parent, to step in and find out what’s really troubling the child.

3. Parents can counter sexist messages.

Dinella says kids start learning gender stereotypes before they’re out of diapers. “Between 18 months and 2 years is the first time we’re starting to see their awareness.”

They learn by watching us. Studies show that parents perceive newborn girls as more delicate and newborn boys as being stronger. On the playground, mothers intervene with girls, seeing physical risks, more often.

“So it’s really hard to separate out toy preference from gender socialization that is so insidious,” Hains says.

Dinella has done several experiments on how heavy gender branding influences kids’ toy choices. In one, she and her team painted a bunch of toys white. Without color cues, both boys and girls gravitated toward neutral playthings like Play-Doh and the Etch A Sketch.

In another experiment, titled “Pink Gives Girls Permission,” Dinella and her co-authors flipped the traditional color patterns: pink trucks and camouflage-clad baby dolls. She found that “there’s a bigger barrier to boys playing with girl things and acting like girls than for girls to be able to venture into some of these cross-gender plays.”

Dinella says you can see this inequity in how hard our culture still comes down on the little boys who love princesses and sparkly things.

This is too bad, she says, because toys can teach important and sometimes unexpected skills. Dolls prepare boys for future roles as fathers and help them practice empathy. Acting out a tea party can help children learn “cognitive sequencing of events: the beginning, the middle and the end of a task.” In other words, a tea set can introduce one of the foundations of computer coding.

So Dinella suggests that, when toy shopping, strive for gender balanced as well as gender neutral. Try saying something like, “You have four dolls already, so how about … also getting a truck?”

Or, “Can we get it in the white version so that all of the kids, when they come to our house, can play with it, instead of just the pink version?”

4. Talk to your kids directly, and share your values around toys.

Dinella is also a mother, and she didn’t ban toy guns either. But she does let her children know that she’s not wild about them. “I’m never going to say, ‘Hey, we haven’t played with the Nerf guns a lot lately! Let’s get those out!’ ”

In other cases, she says, you can be more direct. “You can say, ‘This dress-up toy that was given to you, although it’s really sparkly … it does really talk to you about being pretty. And I would rather you spend time trying to get smart.”

5: Join in your child’s play to further expand the possibilities.

If a foam-dart shootout is getting out of hand, ordering the combatants to timeout isn’t all that effective, says Truglio. Instead, “maybe you take on a character role … who is going to stop this type of aggression.”

Hains tells the story of a father who played princesses with his daughter — but would get out the firetruck and send the princesses out on rescue missions.

The good news is that we may be getting a little more help these days from pop culture. Characters like the powerful Elsa, the adventurous Moana, Wonder Woman and the new Captain Marvel, played by Brie Larson, are pushing the envelope for female heroines.

Another of Dinella’s studies suggests that they are having an impact. She asked preschoolers — both boys and girls — to describe themselves and also to describe what they knew about princesses. Not surprisingly, they described princesses as the typical girly girl who needs to be rescued.

Researchers then showed the children video clips of more recent princesses, like Merida from Brave, taking action and being powerful. Then they asked the same questions again.

Watching those images changed the children’s perceptions of princesses, and, Dinella says, it changed kids’ own self-descriptions too.

After seeing princesses being powerful, both the girls and the boys described themselves as more multidimensional: “They [would] say: ‘I am strong. I am powerful. I am a leader.’ But also, ‘I am caring, and I share.’ ”

In other words, when kids anywhere on the gender spectrum spend time with characters who are more complex, it can change the way they see themselves.

Truglio sums it up this way. “Kids play what they see. If you can see it, you can play it — then one day you can be it.”

Sparkle Unicorns And Fart Ninjas: What Parents Can Do About Gendered Toys published first on https://dlbusinessnow.tumblr.com/

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perfectzablog · 6 years ago