#sometimes i think maybe i am nt after all but then i think about faking my way through days at work and want to die. how did i do that

[gideonisms]

went on fb briefly to see if it was as horrible as I remembered. It was! Stay safe out there people.

[figurative-falsehood]

‘Due date’ for the fake fic title? 🖤

Well this is both for you and for @pawtoncake i hope you feel better soon darling. and also just because i love them @haveyourselfamerrylittlebitchmas and @cinnamonlilac too! 

Roman was going to lose his god damn mind starring at the dates littering his calendar. Well, not his calendar. But a calendar logan gave him. A calendar pre-filled with dates and deadlines and how was he ever meant to be productive with so much hovering over his head it was agony. And what did some of these markings even mean? There was a day coming up that was just circled in red and why? There were a lot of days throughout the very full calendar. Days that were just circled. With no writing in it indicating what the fuck it meant. And it was right there in front of him. staring at him from behind his desk. He supposed he could just get rid of it. Plan some horrid accident? Maybe it could catch on fire? But as awful as it was to stare at upcoming due dates and have nothing for them. He could at least see that Logan was trying in his own nerdy way. The day circled in red was bothering him after an unknown amount of time staring at the stupid thing roman snatched it off the wall and marched himself to logans door.“What is this for?” roman asked exasperatedly as soon as the door opened. Logan blinked looking at the calendar in Romans hands. “Its a calendar for keeping up with upcoming deadlines,” Logan answered pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose in the way that made Romans stomach flip. He shook his head. He had to focus he couldn't get distracted by the way logans hair stood on end like hed been running his hands through it. “No.. this,” he said flipping the calendar open and pointing at the circle. “How am I supposed to know what to prepare for if you don't even write anything in it?” he glared up at logan and- oh. Logan was blushing looking away and blushing. “That was more for me, I apologize. You can just. Ignore those.” Logan said hastily closing his door. Roman stood there with his mouth hanging open because what the fuck just happenedRoman stared at the calendar in his hands and at Marth 21st circled in red and it just didn't make sense. He pushed logans door open.“Is this for some project i don't yet know about? Do i need to come up with an idea? What is it? I have to know logan? Its unfair for you to give me all these deadlines and not even tell me what they are?!” logan was sitting at his desk rubbing his temples and roman probably shouldn't have shoved his way in here like this. “Its not a deadline.. Its something   like to remember.” Logan said not looking at roman. “I just copied my calendar over and didn't think about it I apologize. If its that big a deal ill make you a new one.” “What is it you want to remember?” roman asked. Not taking the hint that logan just did not want to talk about it. At this point, his curiosity was only growing bigger and had been staring at the date for so long now he just wanted answers. Logan signed and stood walking over to roman quickly pulling the calendar out of his hands flipping to the soonest red circle. “March twenty-first is the date of your name reveal,” Logan flipped to April. “April twelfth, was when Thomas said we made a good team, and the nineteenth was when we first sang together.” he flipped to June. “June fourth is your birthday.” logan flipped a few other pages. “And October twenty-ninth.. Was the day that I snapped and threw an index card at you. It was also the day i..” roman was stunned into silence through logans speach and then logan stopped and roman was able to look up at him and he was staring at him and..“The day you what..?” roman asked softly, clearing his throat. “Logan?” he asked after another moment of silence. “The day i realized.. That i..” roman watched and could see how hard logan was thinking and sometimes he just wished logan would stop thinking. So roman took over, pulling the calendar out of logans hands gently and setting it down.

“Lo..” he whispered catching one of logans hands. “The day i realized that i..” roman smiled. Seeing the answer plain as anything in logans eyes even if he couldn't say it. Roman pulled logan closer to him leaning forward ever so slightly nt wanting to move too fast. Not wanting to scare logan off but before he knew it logan was pushing forward. Pressing their lips together and roman circled his arms around him holding him close and kissing his back gently. He moved his hand to tangle in logans hair and everything around them stopped and it was just this. And this was everything.When they finaly pulled apart to breathe roman picked up the calendar again. And crossed the room to pick up a red pen and circle the day. “What are you doing?” Logan asked walking up beside him. “Adding one. First kiss,” he said drawing a heart in the empty space and coloring it in. he could practically feel logan rolling his eyes.

Send me a fake title and ill write a thing for it! -K

[hazbinextgeneration]

(Special thanks to @palettepainter  for the pic idea. Mimzy and Alastor belongs to Vivziepop.)  What was a mother? She had heard many definitions of the word by the time she was just a couple years old. Some said it was the one who birthed you or gave you life. Sometimes it was a silly woman at the orphanage who signed those silly legal papers. Some even said it was the person who raised you. In that case a mother could be your aunt, sister, grandmother, cousin, friend, stranger.... But it could also mean your father or another male could be your mother. Anyone could be labeled as a mother, father, guardian,....Parent. But sometimes a mother was simply the woman who married your father. But she didn't trust this woman... Oh yes. This plump little woman may have been older but she was truly the more powerful of the two. The blood of Kaycee and The Radio Demon flowed through her every being, her brain twisted but not broken. She was obviously the better one of the two in everyway.....Then WHY in all of Hell's nine circles would her father choose to cling himself to this sorry excuse of a mate? She had no powers, their same interests were very little in her eyes, and she obviously held no true status beyond her well off voice. Yet he coddled and fonded over her like he would her, but in a more spouse way. Anyone would fall for her father, and who could blame them? He was powerful beyond any mere mortal soul, tyrantical. And a loving father behind closed doors. For a long time Alastor had been her everything. Her father. Her mother. Her whole home and world. She never even laid eyes on her true birther. But oh well. He always said to smile through it all. She was going to be the next tyrant of hell alongside him. They would do a many wonderous things.... But that dream all but crashed the day he met...Mimzy. The woman who broke into her father's emotions and made him swoon over her. Like a love struck gentlemen straight from church. She would never stoop for someone so low like her. Then why did he? She couldn't understand it. Maybe it was because she was still young, not even ten years old yet. But this woman was turning her world against her. It got worse when he fathered two others like her. Not as powerful or perfect as her but just as twisted minded. Then all came crumbling down. Stories, lullibies, toys all for them. These two little deer that she shared half blood with...she didn't mind of course. She took care of one other also of her father's blood. Hannibal fit in with her. She wouldn't have minded these two.....If they didn't resemble her. The female was blonde and the male had her disgustingly pink eyes.....But they were still part of her.  SHE WAS STEALING HER WORLD. SHE WAS TRYING TO MAKE HER PART OF IT THROUGH THIS. IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF SHE DID SOMETHING. Killing wasn't an option. Despite seeing her father hunt, she still was too young for her mind to take a death by her hands. And he'd know who it was soon. Blackmail neither. She knew nothing that her father didn't like about this woman. Perhaps fake evidence? Hmmm. "Queeny, Sweetheart. Have you been digging through the dirty laundry again?" There it was. That sickly pink eyes insect with that sweet tone her father used with her. Why she bothered trying to confuse her was beyond her. She gave a chuckle at the sight of her wearing one of her father's oversized shirts. Queeny usually got anxious when Alastor went on one of his trips for days on end. And the nervous fawn would cling to something with his scent on it. It helped calm her knowing his scent was on her. Not many demons would dare try anything sending his scent to her. Usually it was an old shirt, but she looked absolutely adorable watching the toddler scamper around and sometimes falling over the big shirt when Mimzy tried to catch her. "You know you're not supposed to wear dirty shirts." "Father's dominant scent keeps me safe. It's this natural thing called survival of the fittest.~.....It's the reason he puts his scent on you." She said the last part with an undertone, but it didn't sound threatening with her little squeaky voice.  She chuckled and walked her way over towards her, "But that's shirt's dirty. Come on. It's nap time anyways." "I have no need for those I'm afraid. I can be awake for weeks on end." "I don't doubt that, but you're 'awake' needs a break now. Come on." "No. I  have no desire to." That didn't stop this woman from walking towards her. Amused smile and heels clicking. ......SH*T!! She quickly turned and bolted down the hallways like she did many times before. Her fawn legs easily giving her more speed, but unfortunately her father's oversized shirt making her stumble over half her steps and instead of a run, she ended up quickly stumbling about like a newborn fawn. Her father's mate didn't even have to run to be right behind her. Her amused smile never faded as the just casually walked behind the toddler waiting for her to just tire out or finally tip over like she usually did....But her smile quickly turned to a frown ounce she looked up. "Queeny, stop. Come here." "You are not my mother! Lady I am not leaving my safe haven for the likes of my you!" Who did this woman come off as thinking she could order her around. She was not leaving the only thing possibly keeping her safe without her father's presence. She continued to stumbled blinded by the shirt and the hair constantly floating around her face. "Queeny, I'm not kidding! Come here now!," she shouted voice panicking. "I want my fathe-" The world went around and a pain suddenly coursed through her left side. Followed by another hard blow to her head the second flip....and then something soft and firm gripping her and holding her up. "Why don't you listen to me?!" Mimzy quickly lifted the small fawn from mid air above the third step of the stair case up and into her arms. The small child stared up patheticly at nothing in particular. " You could've gotten hurt! What's wrong with you?! Don't you know to listen when I tell you-?" "I WANT FAtheR!!," she shouted in a distorted voice, "I W-WA-..NT FaTHEr NoW!!" The light above the stairs flicked above them as the child continued her tantrum in her arms. When Mimzy turned her around to scold the child, she nearly dropped her at seeing the red dripping from under her eyes. At first she thought the worst and somehow she hurt both of her eyes, but is became clear that she was just crying when those black n' yellow eyes opened to stare at her.  "I want Father!" "Alastor's not here right now.....You need to listen to someone he knows is going to take care of you," she said in a much more soft but firm voice, "Don't you think he'd want me to keep you safe?" "Father's scent keeps me safe! You're trying to take it from me!'' Well at least her voice went back to it's regular radio-ized  self. "I'm not weak! I will not submit to you!" Mimzy stared at the little girl in her hands with a new realization. "Is that what this is all about? Oh, dear." She was hoisted against the plump woman's shoulder and taken back up up hallway they started from. They didn't even go that far. Strange how far you think you go when you can't see where you're going. She really didn't have any other choice but to stay huddled against her shoulder as Mimzy carried her back towards the entrance way to her bedroom. Kicking it open with her foot before walking in. The child still sniffed but leaned back to look at her ounce she sat down on the bed. Her younger siblings were still sleeping in the corner of the sared nursery. How ironic. She was placed down on the soft bed and looked up at the taller demon. "There. You look tired." Queeny sniffed and reached one of her father's oversized sleeves to rub at her dripping face. "I-I'm not." "You wanna hear a story?" ".....What kind?" Mimzy smiled while reaching over to carefully grab her blanket and pull it towards them. "Well. There's a King of Deer- "Like Father?" "Mmm hmm." The blanket was pulled over the child as she continued to stare up at her. "And he had a little girl, and this kind fell in love with a human." "A human? Why would a majestic creature like him fall for a mere human?'' "Hmm. I don't know. Love is a strange thing." She got up from the bed and made to turn around- "Where are you going?" "Oh? I thought you weren't tired. You don't need a bedtime story if you're not tired." "I suppose a nap wouldn't be a bad thing." She smiled and sat back down on the bed when Queeny laid down on the giant pillow. "Tell me how this Deer King fell for the human. It doesn't seem logical." Her smile got wider. "Well. Once there was a Deer King, and his little girl. And one day humans came into the forest without them knowing-" ================================================ "-and so while she was never the true mama to the little fawn, she learnt that you should learn to accept love for what it was and not try to intervene when you know someone's happiness is gonna be shattered." The child lazily blinked her eyes up at her while battling the sand man it seemed. Mimzy smiled and rolled up the dirty shirt she managed to slip off her and stood up from the bed. "...Did you like the story?" "....Mmmm. Ok." Her mouth stretched far in a yawn showing off chompers that clearly resembled Alastor's. "It'll....do." She smiled and began walking towards the door. "Good. Now go to bed. It's late-" "Goodnight, Mama-" She froze. "What did you-?" Queeny was already asleep by the time she turned around. After a few minutes of standing there, she turned back around and went back out of the door. "MMMIMZY!!" The louder than life voice scared her as the taller figure quickly approached her from up the hallway. Smiling from ear to ear. "Mimzy, my darling, I just came back from the picture show debate and thought I would surprise you!" "Oh...Oh, what a surprise." "Mimzy...You're crying." He narrowed his eyes as he spotted the pink liquid running down her cheeks. ''Did something happen while I was gone?" ....She shook her head and smiled. "No. Nothing a mother couldn't handle."

[smol-pilots]

Lovely @la-signora-omicidi tagged me in some questions a while ago so im answering them all now!

Football Questions!

Name: Barbara

Age: 22

When did you start watching football: My first memory of football was my dad watching Slovenian First league and me thinking how boring it was. And my next memory was the South Africa’s 2010 World Cup and I was watching the really intense match whiIe staying in Toronto. I think after i began properly watching football after the 2010 World Cup. (whyyyy did i have write a short novel on this simple question???)

First player you loved: Valter Birsa (lol) and Mesut Özil.

Favorite football club: BVB

Favourite player:  Marco Reus, Mesut Özil

Club you hate: ummm idk i think with falling out of football, i stopped disliking certain clubs (i remember not liking bayern, barcelona and atletico madrid) but i dont think i ever hated anyone 

Player you hate: again, i dont think i hate anyone, but i do believe bale is overrated and suarez is just ... eh

If you could sign any player for your club, who’d it be: like andreea said, gigi and iker! (oh god i miss iker!!!)

Ever been to a football game: nope

Ever met a player: no

Favourite goal: mesut özil (real madrid)’s free kick goal against borussia dortmund (</3) in 2012. also maybe some aubameyang’s but i dont have any specific ones in my mind. 

Favorite national team: um idk Germany NT? i dont know anymore, i dont follow but their lineup is completely different from when i was into football :(

Do you have any merch from your club: hahahah i have a fake marco reus jersey! :D

NEXT SET OF QUESTIONS: 

Nickname - Barbi/Barby, Barbs, Bar

Ethnicity - slovene 

Eye color - brown

Do you have siblings? - yup, brother and sister

Country - Slovenia

Do you have any pets? - no :(

Hogwarts house - i dont know i took the quiz two times and once it said hufflepuff and the second time it said ravenclaw. im ok with both hahah

How many languages do you speak? - ummm well slovene, english, french, i understand some spanish and im currently learning korean so like ... let’s say four 

Guilty pleasures - i dont think i have guilty pleasures, i only feel guilty if i eat sweets when im stressed or watch kdramas when i dont really have the time to do so 

Favorite thing to do with your friends - go to galleries, movies, theatre, restaurant, walk around the city, have movie marathons 

Favorite songs at the moment - ummm i really like epik high’s last album “sleepless in ______”, also jonas brothers’ sucker!!

Favorite movie - I’ve no idea tbh

How many countries have u visited - Austria, Croatia, Cezch Republic, Italy, France, Spain, England, Belgium, Canada

What are your favorite hobbies? - reading books, writing, trying to be artsy with my moleskine, watching kdramas/tv shows/movies, going to theatre/movies/galleries 

Any phobias? - got rid of (most) of my claustrophobia but well empty spaces are still not really a fave place to be, also not really fond of spiders and bugs

Name 3 things you don’t like about yourself and 3 other things you love (physical and/or intellectual)

I don’t like:

1) i dont like my bad moods it’s just terrible 

2) actually everything that i dont like is kinda connected w my bad mood lmao but okay also: i compare myself too much with others and i feel bad about myself sometimes

3) i can be really indecisive 

I love:

1) that i am an emotional and caring person 

2) that i have realized how much ive grown and how much i am capable of growing in the future 

3) that i have learned how calming and encouraging it is for me when i’m organized 

What was/is your best subject at school/uni? - at school slovene and at uni stylistics and writing 

Favorite sports - used to be football, motogp, f1, now im kinda ... not into sports hahah

What style best describes you? - i dont know it really depends on the mood i can go all ripped jeans and cardigans or blazers and shirts. at home im trash hahah

Is marriage included in your life goals? - not really. if it happens, it happens, but i dont really see it happening atm

Write a funny fact about yourself - ufffff i dont know, i dont think i have that many funny facts to share so .... ooops.

[natalunasans]

DGHDA headcanons

this is for @brotzlyweek​, but i sort of accidentally wrote all the HC i could think of for everybody i like, not just Dirk and Todd.

NOTE: i have only watched the series once so probably missed a lot of details (if some of my HC make zero sense with canon, please let me know because i like to know about stuff like that, so i can defy canon knowingly rather than out of ignorance) also i have barely read any fanfic in this fandom so i have no idea about fanon consensus... um... feel free to fill me in on any oversights there too, though!

there should be a ↓ readmore ↓ here

Sexuality, or lack thereof:

Dirk, Bart, Ken, and at least some of the Rowdies are ace-spectrum. (If everybody in the whole show was asexual, that would be just fine with me. However, it’s probably unlikely, even with this show’s improbable levels of coincidence/connectedness.)

In the show Amanda definitely has a crush on Farah, but I think she’s also attracted to Vogel and some or maybe all of the other Rowdies. Maybe she’s pan/poly in terms of inclination? But she always figured she could never have a normal dating life, much less be partners with anybody, because of her illness. Suddenly her possibilities are changing and it freaks her the fuck out. But in a good way.

Farah is bi but has been so concentrated on trying to succeed in her field that she has not managed to date anyone in a long time. Now that she doesn’t have to worry about getting by, she can relax and let herself have feelings, and even act on some of them. This is mildly terrifying, but also exhilarating.

Todd is probably bi… i don’t have a lot of HC about him yet. i like shipping him with Dirk ... if he ends up with Farah in the show i would be sad because i think Farah deserves somebody better than present-Todd. But hey, maybe that’s future Todd.

Dirk has difficulty distinguishing various kinds of attraction and closeness. Like… he had a hard time figuring out if he had a friend-crush with Todd or if he wanted to date him. It doesn’t matter, though. i mean it sort of matters, but the friend part is always the most important.

Bart and Ken do end up a couple. It’s nice to be two aces together and just continue the whole “us 2 weirdos against the world” sorta thing they already have going on.

The Rowdies have a really hard time figuring out if they are just attracted to people’s psychic/emotional turbulence (which, after all, is a fuel for them), or if they are attracted to the actual person. At least some of them find that, with Amanda, it’s both.

i honestly don’t care if Estevez and Zimmerfield are partners or partners, as long as they show up as ghost detectives eventually.

Neurodivergence:

Like, nobody in this show is neurotypical.  NOBODY.  It’s my favourite thing about it.

Dirk, Farah, Bart, Ken, and some of the Rowdies are various flavours of autistic.  ETA: maybe Estevez, too.

Farah has worked immensely hard to seem NT, and almost succeeded, but it was wearing her out. With these new friends & business partners (and convenient fortune), she doesn’t have to fake ‘normal’ anymore except occasionally for the more skittish clients, and it’s such a relief.

Ken always always tried to pass as just a geek but he was really even more different than he let on. This is why he stayed with Bart and wasn’t as scared of her as he probably should have been… i mean yeah there was the whole “everything is connected” thing, but personally he felt like they had a connection because, as different as they are, their minds get along.

Bart hasn’t had significant practice at consensual social interaction, so she just does what she was trained to do, and fills in gaps with what comes natural. This works about as well as expected. But, because of her particular… skillset?, it at least doesn’t end up getting her killed.

i have seen it pointed out (by someone with psychosis) that pararibulitis is basically a kind of psychosis, so there’s that.

Probably everybody in this show has anxiety.  Like, wouldn’t you?  (i mean, i already have it with just a regular life so like…)

Dirk, Bart, the Rowdies, and Amanda are all psychic.  Is Todd, also? (like, in-universe do only psychics get pararibulitis?)

All the “subjects” from Project Blackwing probably have PTSD. If Estevez and Zimmerfield didn’t already, they probably do now.  Same goes for Farah.

ETA: i have recently read about some HCs (from @autisticbartcurlish and others) of Dirk having OCD and/or being a hoarder, and i am inclined to agree with those. Also i would agree with HCs of Todd being depressive.

Hobbies & Special Interests:

We know that Todd and Amanda are musical. Dirk wants to be, but probably isn’t and never will be. At least some of the Rowdies are musical.

We know that Estevez (and presumably Zimmerfield) and Farah know all about weapons. Bart can use any weapon pretty accurately on the first try, but doesn’t know, like, the specs of anything: she just intuits.

Who is a good cook? Possibly none of them, possibly the Rowdies.

Who is good at drawing? Dirk, Ken.

Who reads a lot?   (Dirk doesn’t read anything suspenseful because he always “guesses” the endings of things and it got frustrating. Farah would read All The Things, if she can find the time in between Stuff Happening.) - Fiction? Ken reads a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. Amanda does too, but only when she has the mental energy for it, which is not all the time. - Non-Fiction? Estevez. Maybe Dirk reads histories because it’s ok if you know how it ends. - Comics? Bart.

Who spends a lot of time on social media? Todd spends some time looking at how people he used to know have turned out more successful than him. This is generally considered a bad idea. Amanda probably reads forums a lot.

Who spends a lot of time reading the news? Farah reads the news to scope out potential cases but Dirk says that the cases will just come to them. Sometimes this happens through the news. Zimmerfield was also a big reader of local and world news.

Who always has to check the weather forecast? Ken.

Who likes card games? Todd, Amanda, Estevez. - Boardgames? Farah, Todd. - Scrabble? Dirk, Ken, Zimmerfield. - D&D/RPGs? Ken, Dirk. - Videogames? Bart, Amanda, the Rowdies, Estevez.

Who knows a lot about animals? Dirk, some of the Rowdies.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz/dbo 22.05.17 lb

holy shit this legit took me like 3 hours to complete. fuck meeeeeeeeee. i’m very smol and tired, i can’t handle this amount of drama on the daily yougaiz. fairly sure this week of episodes IS GOING TO KILL ME DEAD. 😥😥😥

plain text version here. 

FOR FUCKS SAKE SOMEONE GIVE RUDRA NEW CLOTHES, KAB TAK IS COCKROACH KA KHAAYA HUA TSHIRT PEHNE HUE GHOOMEGA???? HE’S AN OBEROI. THEY’RE RICH. KUCH TOH IMAGE KA KHAYAAL RAKHO! 😒😒😒

…how is NT rich enough to arrange for a BOMB? like… that stuff costs money. also specialised labour to put it together. 🤔🤔🤔

yeah you’d know what the chakkar was if you bothered keeping in touch with your poor older brother who’s handling EVERYTHING alone. hmph. 😑😑😑

such tadi, much style, waaah. 😎😎😎

5 minutes for dramatic posturing. while sahil is in danger. praan jaaye par swag na jaaye. 😏😏😏

shivani has transferred her buri nazar to kunal these days, by now putting HIM in these awful boxy vest waistcoat things, that make him look like he has a winnie the pooh body. COME ON MAN!!!!!! LAANAT HAI TUMPE FOR MAKING MY HANDSOME BOY LOOK LIKE THIS. 😩😩😩

for once, shivaay called a brother for backup. FOR ONCE. matlab itne bhai paal ke kyun rakha hai, agar kaam na aaye? 🙄🙄🙄

PICK UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. RUDRA HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😣😣😣

yuppppp, these vans are desi kidnapper vehicle of choice. to this day i’m terrified whenever i see one. 😕😕😕

OMG KHANNA ACTUALLY USING HIS BRAIN??? OH HAPPY DAY. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

… of course, shivaay ignores him on that one day. 😒😒😒

um, if you die, who tf is gonna save sahil? honestly shivaay, you’re so damn stupid sometimes. 😑😑😑

great, not one, but both are being stupid today. 

but i’ve come to expect it of om after how he’s been just walking into havelis with ppl who wanna kill him and just getting lured into cages and shit. you used to be the smartest boy, om. oh how the mighty have fallen. 😔😔😔

GOD FORBID KHANNA ACTUALLY DO HIS DUTY AND OPEN THE FUCKING VAN HIMSELF!?!?!?! 😒😒😒

ok they were still waaaay toooo close for them to be uninjured by a whole van blowing up. 😶😶😶 

also what if sahil was IN the fucking vannnnnnnn you motherfucking idiots?!!?!?!?! god i am so angry at all of you rn. DON’T BE PLAYING WITH MY CHILD’S LIFE LIKE THIS!!!!! 😡😡😡

oh. nowwww he thinks about if sahil was in it. ekkkkkkk jhaap mein… 😤😤😤

ugh return of the insufferable shivaay of yore. NO. WE DON’T LIKE THIS BOY. WE LIKE NEW SHIVAAY™. SOFT AND SELF AWARE SHIVAAY WHO TALKS IN FIRST PERSON. 😌😌😌

i’m sweatingggggg like cray just looking at the SWEATER kunal is wearing. shivani, y u hate my boys lyk dis? 😟😟😟

oBro hugzzzzzzzz. better than drugssss. 😊😊😊

is this same basti where they did poster hunt? 🤔🤔🤔

anika got her game face onnnn. 😏😏😏

oufffffff, NT is starting to get on nerves now. khatam karo yaaar yeh track. 😠😠😠

anika’s playing real estate agent in own house. best. 🙄🙄🙄

BITCH WHAT YOU SAYYYYYYY ABOUT SAHILLLLLLLLLLL 😡😡😡

look at SHIVAAAAAAAY SINGH OBEROIIIIII take the help of unsavoury looking members of public! 😧😧😧

11 saal??? how the f did sahil age 4 years in these few months??? 😯😯😯

if this lady is just a parent of some friend of sahil’s, how would she know sahil has taken SPECIAL CHUTTI from boarding school???? 🤔🤔🤔

behenji ki battiiiiiiii jali. 💡💡💡

BAAD MEIN PHONE KAROGI? HELLO, WHAT ABOUT AKSHAY???? HE HAS TO CUT HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!!!! 🎂🎂🎂

mmmm cake. i could use some cake rn. 😋😋😋

she hasssssss the magic powerrrrrr of THOUGHT. 😒😒😒

you know NOWWWWW. abhi gila shikwa karne se kya faida? 😐😐😐

“tum ro kyun rahi ho??? roti hui bilkul achchi nahi lagti.”

OH UM MAYBE COZ HER BROTHER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED? I THINK IT’S PRETTY APPROPRIATE TO CRY. 😒😒😒

ALSO WHO GIVES A F ABOUT KAISI “LAGTI HOON” WHEN MY FUCKING BROTHER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED?!?!?!? FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BS STANDARDS OF BEAUTY BRO! 😠😠😠

ohhhh hoooooooo, redemptionnnnnnnnn track. 😏😏😏

… how did he just convert a regular phone call into a SKYPE video chat??? 🤔🤔🤔

OMG. HE’S IN THE PAANI. BECAUSE OF NT KA TAAAAIRNE WAALA STATEMENT. 😧😧😧

…. ok suddenly its NIGHT now? 😐😐😐

snort, om came home and instantly got caught up in his own issues. sahil who? bomb blast what? 😂😂😂

why does jhanvi have oxygen cylinder and mask just… lying around in her room? 🤔🤔🤔

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHO THE F THE FAKE SVETLANA IS? LIKE… IS SHE A KAPOOR OR NOT? AND HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN IN THIS DISGUISE? WAS THIS FAKE ONE THE ONE WE SAW FROM THE START IN IB, OR DID SHE REPLACE THIS ONE SOMETIME IN THE MIDDLE? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONSSSSSSSS AND NO ANSWERS!!!!!! 😩😩😩

why is real svetlana dressed like an airhostess? 😕😕😕

“main shaadi-shuda hoon. mujhpe dore daalna bandh karo." 

svetlana’s BITCH PLEASE face at that lmaooooo. 😂😂😂

pft, you’ve been failing at EVERYTHING for the past 3 months, om. leave the smug overconfidence to your big bro who actually does get things right occasionally. 🙄🙄🙄

why the f should there be FOOTPRINTS on marble/tile flooring????? 🤔🤔🤔

fauxlana is (relatively) smart. i like. 😌😌😌

pft, don’t be making awaiiiii ka regret face for red herring purposes. we know you got him. you wouldn’t return otherwise. 🙄🙄🙄

damnnnn, reyhna is so fucking gorgeous. i am in loveeeeeeee. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

lol ok real-lana’s bholi bhaali way of talking is kinda throwing me off. 😆😆😆

amazing how she’s been comatose in a freezer for god knows how long, but her memory and muscle function and all are A-OK! 😊😊😊

meanwhile, i struggle to move my goddamn limbs and form a coherent thought without even having been thrown in a freezer. 😖😖😖

aaaaaaaaaaand gauri is out. 😐😐😐

glucose daale bina hi, magically the glass of glucose paani got made. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 

this outfit of gauri’s looks pretty much like that white salwar of anika’s that she sleeps in these days, no? 😗😗😗

LOL FAUXLANA AND THIS FREEZER OF HERS. 😂😂😂

the scene changes are too fucking abrupt ok. 😕😕😕

come on, this child is not 11. look how tinguuuuuu he is. my little cupcake. i could eat him up in just oneeee bite. 👶🏽👶🏽👶🏽

WHATCHOO DOING JUST STANDING THERE, GET IN THE HUGGGG, BROOOO. 😚😚😚

YAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!! 😊😊😊

LOOK AT MY LITTLE FAMILY. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO PERFECT. I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

wow, she just gave it away instantly WHERE gauri is. 😐😐😐

… what temperature range can a FREEZER have that a human being can stay alive in? science side of tumblr, please help. 🤔🤔🤔

"tumhari biwi JAM KE mar jaayegi" 

lol idk why that sentence is making me lol. 😂😂😂

why does he care about gauri all of a sudden now? he was perfectly fine leaving her to die/be raped and tortured at kali thakur’s. 😒😒😒

ok fauxlana is LOSING it. 😬😬😬

arre waah, fond flashbacks. apna bhai pighal raha hai. 😏😏😏

ok and what did throwing that bottle even accomplish? also how did fauxlana move before he even threw it, if she was super engrossed in her badle ki bhaavna waala lecture? 😒😒😒

arre idiot, if you had a gun, pehle hi istemaal kar deti uska. 🙄🙄🙄

amazing how both the omkara waala scene and anika waala scene are supposed to be happening in the SAME LOCATION of oberoi mansion (the foyer in front of the main door), but… nope. 😕😕😕

it’s really like they exist in some different realms or something. 😐😐😐

pfffffffft. “angry aur young” hone ka bas tune theka le rakha is ghar mein? 🙄🙄🙄

why did they show a smoking disclaimer when no one is smoking in the scene?? 🤔🤔🤔

heaaaaaaaavvvvy foreshadowing that shivaay isn’t pinky’s beta. 🙈🙈🙈

ouffff oh, this idiot still doesn’t know of mummeh’s involvement. yaaaaaar, by the end of this week at least? please? 😩😩😩

also kaaahe ka mahasangam???? bas IB and DBO ka episode has been edited together into one video instead of two different ones. none of the characters are interacting aapas mein beyond that one oBro scene. the rest of the week better not be like this is2g. 😠😠😠😤😤😤

roleeeeeeeeee playinggggg. againnnnnn. this man is incorrigible. 😏😏😏

bewakoofi toh yeh february se hi dikhaata aa raha hai.  matlab kuch dino ke liye shivaay ki nazar isse hatti, aur isne bas apna hi nahi, SABKI life ki OH MY MAATA kar rakha hai. 😒😒😒

paanch minute? timer says 1 minute and few seconds though? honestly. why wouldn’t you pay attention to shit like this, production team? 😒😒😒

BUAAAAA MAAAA TO THE RESCUE. 👵🏽👵🏽👵🏽

lmao gauri developing freezer burn like she’s a bag of frozen peas. 😂😂😂

WHERE DOES FAUXLANA KEEP PULLING THESE MULTIPLE SYRINGES FROM?????? 😟😟😟

ok the timer on that thing is def broken. 😐😐😐

lmaoooooo fauxlana’s impatience and side-eyeing om’s uselessness is so me. 😂😂😂

ALSO GIRL YES, YOU HAVE A GUN, WHY THE F WOULDN’T YOU JUST SHOOT HER?????? LIKE… 🤔🤔🤔

ABBE OHHHH HERO, APNI BIWI KO BACHA. NOT THIS RANDOM FREEZER GIRL WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE YOUR FATHER’S MISTRESS. 😑😑😑

… lol whatever om, you think she gives a rat’s ass about you? your ass will die first then. 😂😂😂

JUST SHOOT HIM FAUXLANA! 😫😫😫

lol idek what team i am on anymore. i’m just all the teams i guess lololol. 😂😂😂

LMAOOOOOOO JAANE NAHI DENGE TUJHE AGAIN. THE FUCKKKKK, HOW MANY TIMES WILL THEY USE THIS SONGGGGGGGG? 😅😅😅

they should have just played ‘saathiya’. it’s more hearttttwrenching than this stupid song. 😐😐😐

please note: her freezer burn is magically gone. 😗😗😗

pffffffffft, CPR as kissssss scene is coming up. MAJORRRR eye rolling happening here, but also some involuntary squeeing. because despite all logic and sane thinking, dil toh hai dil, dil ka aitbaaar kya kiiiije. 🤐🤐🤐

lol uske beech mein fauxlana - buamaa theatrics. could you ppl let me focus???? 😑😑😑

lolllllllllll they had time to script and film this with real-lana in the middle of all this. amazing. 😑😑😑 

buamaa toh badi shaatir nikli. maybe shivaay gets it from her? 😊😊😊

oufff oh, iska abhi tak GAURI UTHO GAURI UTHO ka jaap hi chal raha hai. abbe jo karna hai, kissy wissy jo bhi hai, kar na. awaiiii ka time waste. 😒😒😒 

i could be watching shivaay/anika going about their kinky roleplaying in this time. hmph. 😤😤😤

first of all, is om even trained in CPR? like… why does HE have to give it to her? buamaa seems knowledgeable about it, why can’t she do it? 😕😕😕

lmaoooooooooooo omg fauxlana leaning to the side to see better as om approaches gauri. 

when your otp are about to kiss. #relatable 

ok are you ppl aware that the actual important part of CPR is the chest compression bit, not the mouth to mouth? in fact, people who aren’t trained in CPR are recommended to use ONLY chest compressions. 😐😐😐

but i guess asking for a scene for omkara "feeling up” gauri’s boobies (because you know, that’s what this whole scene is all about. the physical intimacy. 😒😒😒) is TOO MUCH for indian television. 

GOD OM DO IT ALREADY. DUS GHANTE LAGAAYEGA KYA? 😤😤😤

fauxlana getting jelly. does she have realllll feelings for omki shomki? girl, you shoulda focused on tapping it when you had the chance, instead of wasting time in all your other udddd-shud harkatein. 🙄🙄🙄

riKara shippers be like AGAIN!!!!!!!! MOAAAAAARRRRRR!!!! 😘😘😘

haaaaaaye, what a sight to wake up. ohhh to be gauriiii kumaaariiii ssssarma in this moment. 😇😇😇

ok my heart is doing tinglyyy things seeing his happy lovesick eyes. what a puppy. despite everything i’ve been yelling at him today, i love this boy so much. my omki shomki. 😍😍😍

heinnnnn, what was he raising his hands up to do? 🤔🤔🤔

yeah that means bye bye time for you now, gauri. 😐😐😐

at least you got two “kisses” out of your time, girl. udhar anika bechaari kabse pyaasi ghoom rahi hai. despite being “real wife” and all that. 😔😔😔

bloody shivaay. kuch seeekh apne chote bhaiyon se. 😒😒😒

… is it necessary to have this conversation IN FRONT OF THE POLICE AND FAUXLANA? 😒😒😒

btw, why are they still here? why hasn’t the police taken her yet? what are they waiting for, christmas? 

om be like “idk having a wife worked out good for shivaay. maybe i should keep this one? 🤔🤔🤔”

HER NAME ISN’T SVETLANA THO? LIKE WHAT IS HER REAL NAMEEEEE????? DOESN’T ANYONE CARE WHY SHE TOOK REAL-LANA’S FACE AND DID ALL THIS???? WHY AREN’T YOU PPL ASKING FOR EXPLANATIONS????????? 😩😩😩

oh hoooooo “kisiiii ne mujhseee kaha tha” and all… 😏😏😏

ok, actually physically dragging her out is unnecessary???? 😕😕😕

why does this girl wear her dupatta like a geriatric watchman wears a kambhal tho? 🙄🙄🙄

ouffff, dialoguebaazi bandh kar aur chalta ban. awaiiii ka naatak. 😒😒😒

god shrenu is soooo fucking pretty though. i can’t handle just how pretty she is. 😍😍😍

lmaoooo, gauri’s managed to get on bade bhaiyya’s radar. 😄😄😄 bade bhaiyya’s gonna make errrrything alrightttttt! #championOfOberoiBahus 😊😊😊

[skiasurveys]

30 life questions

1. Your current relationship or if you’re single, how single life feels? Im taken. I honestly love being in this relationship, its the first one where i feel like its legit and will last a long time. 2. Where would you like to be in 10 years? - different city, maybe married, have a great career and cute pets and a nice apartment or house. 3. Your views on drugs and alcohol? - im not against weed and i do drink, but i do believe there are some things you just shouldnt do, like harcore drugs or like drinking ALL the time. 4. Your views on religion? -I have religious background (Christianity) but there are radicals out there for all religions that ruin the name for the believers.  5. A time you thought about ending your own life? -the one time i remember almost doing it was when i was 17 (in grade 11/circa 2014) and it was jus after a year since my dad had died and i felt loss and i couldnt handle it, i felt alone, so i wrote my suicide letter but then i ended up nt doing it. I have always been suicidal honestly. its jsut become who i am. 6. 30 interesting facts about yourself

1) I’m a artist 2) I got hit by a car  3) I cant swim that well 4) My dad died 5) I love october  6)i love animals 7) I have been playing video games since i was 4/5  8) My first video game ever was either James bond 007 golden eye or legend of zelda: ocarina of time for Nintendo 64.  9) I didnt get my first laptop til i was 12 10)I almost got abducted. 11) My first cat died when i was grade 4 and died of liver failure 12) my boyfriend is 6.5 years older than me 13) I met my boyfriend on a dating website  14) I was bullied from grade 2-5 15) I had bad teeth as a child 16) dr.phil is one of my fav tv shows ( next to game of thrones) 17) I have two cats 18). Im allergic to dogs  19) I have a anxiety disorder 20) I take medication 21) I love drawing  22) I love roast beef  23) I am a fan of the stars 24) but nothing beats the moon 25) I spend a lot of money on video games and make up 26) My first boyfriend was when i was 13 27) I was in a long distance relationship when i was 18. ( it sucked) 28) I always order chicken tenders and fries when i dont know what to order 29) I love music 30) I have scars 7. Your Zodiac sign and if you think it suits your personality? - Sagittarius and no 8. A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life? - when im sleeping in connors arms 9. What do you hope your future kids will be like? - i hope i dont have any lol 10. Discuss your first love and first kiss: - first kiss was awful. didnt like him that much but was lonely, he kissed me and it tasted nasty and it was really forced and i was like  rip never doing that again. and my first REAL love is Connor my current boyfriend, i consider him my first true love because hes the first person where i actually feel like its legit and not some fake ass love bullshit 11. Put your music on shuffle and write down the first 10 songs that pop up: - no 12. Bullet your whole day - Woke up - cuddled connor some more

- read some stories on facebook

- had break fast

-talked with families 

-and did this survey.

The rest of my day is undetermined… 13. Somewhere you’d like to move or visit: - iceland somewhere 14. Your earliest memory: -i dont know. 15. Your favourite tumblrs: - not listign them off because i know i wil forget someone 16. Your views on mainstream music: - i think all music is good except for that fake ass shit that just sings about fucking bitches and doing weed. 17. Your highs and lows of this past year: - highs: being with connor  lows: hmm not being with connor

18. Your beliefs: - I believe there is a God that watches over on us, and there is a heaven and hell. 19. Disrespecting your parents? - you should never do this, but i do know there are people out there who have shitty parents and that sometimes parents are abusive and think they can talk to you how ever you want. i believe respect is earned. 20.  How important you think education is: - very. we all need it not for work but just to live  21. One of your favourite shows: -Game of thrones 22. How have you changed in the past two years: - not so naive i dont believe everything someone says to me. I stand up for myself, i dont let people treat me like shit. 23. Five famous guys you find attractive? - connor  24. Your favourite movie and what it’s about: -The lion king. Im sure i dont have to tell you abut that. 25. Someone who fascinates you and why: -Im not sure 26. What kind of person attracts you? - someone funny, kind, sweet, into the same things as me.

27. A problem that you’ve had: - being born 28. Something that you miss: - being able to see my friends everay 29. Goals for the next thirty days? -to lose weight 30. Your highs and lows of this month: -highs: being able to drive

- lows: being sad

[satanihilism-blog]

Which types I do not like and why:

Let's be honest guys: We all have MBTI types we tend to be annoyed by and which we probably don't like. And mostly we have a reason for that. Here's mine: - young ENTPs: I know many young ENTPs in my school and they all seem totally brainless even though they are NTs. I mean c'mon one of them told me his belly tastes like liquor and we made him take 4 different tests. Also they tend to drink way too much on parties and take drugs and all these things. They're very mean usually, but then out of nowhere they suddenly talk normal to you as if they didn't remember how rude they were before. I have never met an adult who is an ENTP, but I think those ENTPs I know will probably change their types into ESTP or something later, because I do not think this kind of ENTPs can actually grow up to be a complex intellectual tbh. I guess there's a huge difference between grown up ENTPs and young ENTPs. Maybe some other types grow up to be ENTPs later and the young ENTPs grow up to be ESTPs idk. - unhealthy INFPs: Let me tell you; unhealthy INFPs are the worst thing to ever happen to your privacy. When an unhealthy INFP has your phone number...just block them. EVERYWHERE. I know two unhealthy INFPs. One of them was jealous of me, because I had a crush on an ENFP she liked (even though she had a boyfriend, but she said he doesn't have to know this...disgusting) and she tried to gossip with him about me (but she failed lol). She also pretends to be shy but makes a big drama out of her 'shyness'. Everytime someone asks her to do something, she cries half an hour about how she doesn't want that, so she really get all the attention. She's one of those 'I cut myself for attention' girls. People with real mental health problems seek for help or hide their problems. She instead; sending pictures of her cuts and her legs in groups and saying how fat she is. And she texted the ENFP at least once a day, even though he did not reply. She kept on spamming. And that is exactly what the other unhealthy INFP did with me. He was interested in me and I gave it a shot, because even though I'm very sceptical around other people, because of the things that have happened to me, I'm still an extrovert and I enjoy getting to know new people. But he was annoying. Really fckn annoying. I prefer talking in a distant and polite way, when I'm in contact with strangers, just like a lot of Germans do. But he didn't respect that. He asked me about 20 questions per hour and I felt really intimidated. He always tried to get my empathy when I seemed rude or didn't reply, mostly with the sentence "I'm used to it", but while doing that, he failed to realize that I am an ENTJ and I have no empathy, except for those, who suffer from situations I've already experienced. After some time I just ignored him. He kept on texting me. It was really annoying. Unhealthy INFPs usually seem like whiny stalkers and I hope I'll only have to deal with healthy INFPs, because they're really nice :) - ESFJ: That's the type that is hardest for me to read...I just don't know what's going on inside of them. They all seem to have this fake attitude. You know this behaviour, where people annoy other people of the opposite sex for fun and because...well nobody knows why they do it, it's fucking annoying...it's kinda like this attitude, that stupid people expect homosexuals to have.? I have a lot of homosexual friends and none of them does this. But this is kinda the behaviour ESFJs seem to have 24/7. They sometimes seem like they're flirting with everyone, because they're constantly doing this "cheeky" thing. - ESTP: Here we go...well I don't like ESTPs because one actually ruined my youth. He did what ESTPs seem to do, when they hate someone: Turn everyone against them. Now I am forced to be powerless and alone for two more years, the only people in my life are my overprotective Guardian parents (ISFJ and ESTJ). I don't think they even care about other people. The two ESTPs I had to deal with took everything from me, that someone in my age can possibly take from another person. My reputation, my friends, my social life. Can you imagine how awful it is to miss the things an ENTJ seeks in his life: Having no power over your own life and no one you can influence. It's pretty lonely and hard being this way. So don't judge me when I say, I hate ESTPs. They seem to hate us NTs too. At least I never experienced it the other way. - ESFPs: All ESFPs I know are unloyal and primitive betrayers and when I have no mercy with two things, it's disloyalty and primitivity. Explains itself I think. Comment what you think of it.

[atcraxia-blog]

why can’t we be friends.

nic’s muses and their social standings.

mahu -- she’s what i like to call, fake social. she can go to parties and laugh and talk. she can even do the same thing with the same people numerous time. but you will never see her with those people in another scene. she’s actually very anti social and it takes a lot for her to even consider you as someone she’ll hang with without having a drink and a fake smile on her face. so yes, sh can make you feel like a million bucks, but when you ask to go for coffee, she’ll give you any excuse you need to here, and then a no.

adam -- he’s not at all, and even when h’s try, he’s not good at it. he doesn’t really enjoy the small banters, and sarcasm isn’t something he enjoys. and if it wasn’t just his personality being the way it is, it would him punishing himself by being alone. like for him that was his first mistake in life, wanting to be with someone else. so he’s not really talkative, and if anything awkward around people.

will owens -- is a ball of sunshine that loves makes friends but can’t really keep them for too long. either they move away, or just forget about him completely, but that’s really okay. he just likes people so much and to learn from them. he likes to laugh and smile and people are attracted to that i think. he sees everyone as good no matter what, so maybe that’s why it’s so easy for him to call everyone his friend.

amber -- she wants to be social, but there are things that keep her from it. like she can’t talk to people in crowds without someone getting hurt. and it’s not like everyone is walking around knowing sign language. She’s shy most of the time because she’s worried about what people think, but she still wants the interaction. she still loves people and wanted to be treated as someone who isn’t capable of hurting anyone.

bailey -- when she was younger her lack of friends came from her own intelligence and no one feeling like they can really interact with her. and now, well, she doesn’t really let anyone know about her high level intellect. like she doesn’t dumb herself down, but she makes herself approachable. she’s that friend that will sing happy birthday loud enough in a restaurant that everyone joins in.

some friends of theirs.

will owens and luci -- i am absolutely fascinated by the two literal sunshines though. like they both are a little weird, and they have this bubbly positive outlooks on life. and will owens is just so taken with her. like he can ask her things and it doesn’t feel too weird because she never makes him feel weird.

mahu and pasha -- like they’re friends, but like bitchy friends? i don’t know ho to describe it. like pasha is tired of her ass, but mahu is like ‘shut up lets go out’. even if she won’t say it mahu admires pasha because of the strong woman she is. she doesn’t see many woman like that who can hold their own.

amber and noah -- they’re friends and sometimes a little more. but i love to point out that he’s one of the only people she trusts with her secrets. like it’s hard to find someone who will help you time and time again, and still look at you the same way. she appreciate him more than he could ever imagine.

friends to look forward to?

adam and pasha -- i have been quietly rooting for this in the back of my head because he has NO friends and it’s simply on him nt being able to communicate. but after pher posted that twitter meme all i can think was ‘he’d do that, come over, quietly drink tea and clean up her garden and teach her about tending. i’m infatuated with the thought of adam and friendships with strong women.

amber and sakura -- girls helping girls. girls confused by girls because lets be real, amber is a little weird about everything, but sakura would be okay with her and amber would feel protective over her. because amber sees her as so good in the world.

mahu and atieno -- i love ati in the most obsessive of ways, i can admit that. and if there is someone in this world who can be alone with mahu, and enjoy being alone with her, i am so for it. i love how she straight answers mahu, and how she in a way tries to understand her, even when mahu isn’t necessarily trying to be understood.

will owens and poppy -- okay this is fairly new but i like it. she is a predatory, through and through, she will not pretend that she’s not, and will owens truly does not notice. he just thinks she’s a nice girl that likes the woods like he does. and he’ll never make her feel like she’s anything but a gentle creature to him.

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i went to this therapy session. it consiisted of this woman asking me what i thought my issues were and going through a list of “important life factors” before she readily prescribed CBT. and like.. ive learned to play the game with these people; if you influence them by giving too much or focusing on the wrong thing, they can suggest stupid things. so i gave her very concise and bare bones answers. 

unlike my family doctor, she had little focus on the traumas. she said the traumas must have created behaviors that needed to be examined. i mean, yeah. science? and like, i’ve learned to handle my anxiety atleast 30 - 40% better than say, last year. by using things similar to CBT techniques, like examining all possible outcomes and taking time to examine my anxieties rather than react on them. this has allowed me certain control over a lot of previusly panic inducing situations. but now im plateaued because the anxiety is not so much an issue -- i don’t care. i used to care alot more before. like i wanted to be seen as a good person and i went out of my way to be a good person and put myself and needs aside for it. but now i dont care? i find i have even less anxiety going out and meeting new people because i dont care? the apathy is overwhelming.

CBT doesnt fix apathy. and i dnt know if anything fixes apathy. 

heres what i do KNOW from this year of self improvement: the only thing that has made me feel remotely better and that has made sound logical sense since it came to be acknowledged is really standard old school talk therapy. in no fucking way can cure anxiety about being alone or having no family by “positive affirmations”. you can try and see some positives in but if you try to fool yourself so far that youre “totally okay” with no one, there will always be one day that comes when you regret “totally okay”. 

but absolutely no one cares about examining the known. no one cares why or how the family dynamic works except people literally studying it. all anyone knows is that by default, you’re handed a group of people who share similar dna to you and whatever happens after that is up to fate and chance. more often than not people have SOME kind of family. even those who say they dont “really” have family have some cousin or distance aunt or someone they manage to stay in close contact with. 

heres what i also know: he is “right” about one thing - the people we know, including himself, were shaped and influenced by a community; there’s half a million strong here but yet if you’re in our age group and you’re white you can probably play six degrees of seperation. and a lot of people turned to drugs, a lot of people came from bad homes, a lot of people have untreated mental illnesses -- and these are the people i am turning to for support. because i have no real choice right now. it’s literally trying to survive and you cannot pick and choose in survival. you take whatever you can get wherever you can get it. and thats not even to say these are bad people. clearly if they offer any support at all they are good people in their hearts. no matter what issue they have, they’re decent people.

but in no fucking way what so ever are they equipped to support another person emotionally or even leave their own foundations of support because i mean, who does that? logically? 

i went through all of this stuff. and like i’m nt trying to have a pissing contest of whos life was worse? my own parents lives were worse than mine. a close friend of mine - definitely way worse than mine. this could totally be worse but what difference does that make? you cut off a finger and you’re like “well didnt lose the hand” but youre still living with no finger. you still have to cope and deal with n finger every second of the day despite how much worse it “could” be. 

to me my power and release and way i feel good is not through meditation or yoga or taking a walk - it’s being heard. i want to be heard. i lived in silence an was sheltered for a long time and i didnt get to speak on a lot of things that legitimately shaped the way i lived my life. and like i’m not asking for these things to be analyzed. theyre not here for like a game of psychology. this is my life. this is what i lived and i want to speak about it. i want to be able to speak for ten minutes straight on what happened to me and how i feel. and secondly i want to be understood. like im not speaking a different language. there is no hidden meaning i am just telling a story i want to have understood by the listener. when you read a book, you dont stop thrugh a paragraph and be like “oh i remember the time my mom did this and this” and go off into a new tangent for yourself. you give it focus and attention to understand the nuances of this person’s perspective. 

and my doctor gave me the freedom to speak to him at anytime. i can literally go and be like i am upset and here is why and he will just listen to me. because my problem is not about me. my problem is the things that happened to me. CBT literally tells you that statements like “i am a victim to outside circumstances” is “harmful”. but i am? like i’m not saying this t promote an internal victimization but that outside circumstances happened to which i had little to no control over anything BUT my own reaction. 

and the thing is - no one at all will ever fix what happened. very bad things happened. this is without a doubt now, bad things happened. almost all of the time. and people cannot even fathom such trauma without bringing up sexual abuse or physical abuse because it more often manifests those ways but this was a unique circumstance of very different factors - none of which are special in the world but just a timeline that by using all of these factors created a very jarring and traumatic time. 

so you cannot give me medication. im not sick. im experiencing a natural reaction to long term trauma. like.. the brain is damaged now but who is to say filling it with synthetic chemicals to “fix” or cover the damage is any better? what happens when youre no longer on them? 

you cant tell me to meditate on it; sit silently and dont think about it? cruel. how o you think i made it this far? i deserve to talk about these things, outloud, without judgement. i dont even need a group. in fact right now i deserve one single human to give me the respect and time. because literally? sometimes i need like.. one hour in a month. just one hour in 30 days to speak out loud everything that haunted me that month and have it acknowledged in reality without personal opinion inserted. 

i explained to him why i didnt like cbt and why i felt like i wanted to be left alone now; like i was tired of being psychoanalyzed, i knew what my problem was, i knew what i wanted in life. he immediately brought up how i should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead and that i just needed to have that. i realize now that hes put alot of weight on a psychologist or w.e. solving my issues and “giving me coping techniques” and by me saying i wanted to be left alone triggered anger, like he assumed i was “giving up”? still, it went into an argument which led to him saying things like i needed to have a job to deserve a family which is very hateful and emotionally abusive thing to say. i walked away when we got to his place and then went to a friends for an hour or so before he picked me up. he commented on the way back, “just for the record, i’m just too real for people.” -- but ive started not to care. i told him he wasnt real, he was mentally ill and projected a lot of things on to people around him when he was a textbook example of toxic thinking. i said he should get therapy, but he wont because it takes work and it might mean he wont be great anymore but i still loved him regardless. 

he sat quiet for a bit and when we got back to his place he made a casual remark asking if we had talked about him. i said sure and he asked what was said. i told him the only thing im ever told about him is to not listen to him because hes crazy. he laughed a bit and asked how and why and who. i doubled down and said even my doctor has told me to not listen to him because what he says is harmful and misunderstood. he got very quiet and then seemed to be upset the rest of the night. i couldnt understand entirely why though? did he feel bad about it? did he think i was wrong? did he have shame people held this opinion or was he angry they knew about him at all? 

he was still a bit upset this morning but seemed to try and at least fake it? he told me he loved me when i left but it just seemed weird. i feel like he feels bad? like maybe he realized he was causing damage but now couldnt take it back? i certainly dont think he’d tell me he loved me if he was angry.