#sometimes i think i write him with a little too much freddie mercury lmao

[gingerbreadmonsters]

five things i never get tired of writing <3

waaahhh thank you for the tags!! tagged by my darlings chrys @sealriously-sealrious , frenchie @frenchiefitzhere , and beans @glassbearclock - i can't remember who has and hasn't played yet, so open tags for this one!! go on, i dare you 😈😈

1. INTERNAL MONOLOGUES. I WILL NEVER STOP WRITING INTERNAL MONOLOGUES. YOU LITERALLY CANNOT MAKE ME. 🔫🔫🔫 in all seriousness i adore writing these - especially from character povs just because of that extra meta layer, but i just love digging into the character voice and really going for it, you know?? describing the environment and what’s going on through a specific perspective is always top tier in my mind, and i find that it can be REALLY powerful if you get the balance right. my favourite thing to do with these is definitely mindbreaks and crisis states (in the style of mad or sublime or rebel flesh), but it’s just as fun to be totally dizzy with it as well (a la body contact and a ring on the carousel) 💕💕💕

this also goes hand in hand with-

2. UNRELIABLE NARRATORS!!! playing with perspective, deliberately withholding or distorting information, being highly ambiguous, implying information but not stating it outright, actually straight up lying to the reader...... i'm telling you, that's what keeps me going 🥰🥰🥰 it’s so unbelievably satisfying if i can get it right, and i feel like it adds a lovely layer of uncertainty and ambiguity for the reader that can really whack it up to 11 - i think my best examples are probably motion capture and one more paradox, just bc my main goal was to make you shout at the screen like “come on, you idiot, it’s right there!!!” and i think i managed to nail it hehe

3. making up lore - this will be exactly no surprise if you’ve read SOUL MATE or i shall be mr seek (or indeed if you’ve ever read one of my lore theory posts), but i ADORE coming up with canon-compliant hcs and slotting them into existing lore 😍😍😍 presenting canon events in a new context, adding more background information to flesh out a character who might be a little thin on the ground in the origin story department, coming up with pseudoscientific justifications for canon events or abilities, in the style of sodium laureth sulphate and study session 01...... ooh, it’s my bread and butter, it really is.

4. i actually really enjoy writing dialogue, but ONLY for certain characters - if the voice makes sense to me, and i feel like i have a decent handle on the character?? give me gavin or milo and *chef's kiss* the dialogue writes itself babeyyy 🤩🤩 i know get in, loser! is really, REALLY long for me but i had virtually no trouble writing any of the dialogue, because his voice comes quite naturally to me, so his back-and-forth with freelancer was a total walk in the park - contrast to my ash and william wips, which have been sitting in google docs hell for months because i just CANNOT get the voices right [head in hands]

5. like.... the end??? this will make sense in a minute: basically all of my fics finish the same way, with a few longer, metaphor-heavy, run-on-sentence-filled paragraphs that fiddle with the pace and are full of callbacks to earlier phrases or imagery - idk how to explain it, but if you've ever read any of my writing then you've definitely seen it before! writing the end of a fic is always one of my favourite bits bc i get to pack in all those lovely callbacks and huge, overblown metaphors that i’ve been building to - see the wedding imagery at the end of mad or sublime, or the bit about what ‘mate’ means at the end of SWEET TALK - and i get to use all those really cool lines i’ve come up with while i was writing something else lmao 🤡🤡 that lovely suspension and freefall that comes with the long stretch of emotional imagery, followed by a nice quick sucker punch of an ending?? i will never give this up i'm sorry <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #226

“i couldn't take my eyes off her, but that's not what i took off that night.”

So, how are you doing today? I'm mostly fine, I guess. I'm sooooo sleep-deprived from these damn night terrors, so it has me pretty moody. Then I'm bummed as all fuckhell that Sara and I can't be together on our anniversary. What is the last song that you had on repeat? I think it waaaas... "Idiosyncrasy" (it took me five million attempts to spell that right) by Korn. Are you a hedonist/masochist/in between? Neither. The best musical performance you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, but it was WICKED. He did his signature decapitation illusion (how the fuck does that even work??), and the last song (it was a fucking amazing cover of "Another Brick In The Wall") had INCREDIBLE theatrics. I loved it. Who is your favorite drummer? *shrugs* Your favorite guitarist? Idk, really. Maybe Zakk Wylde. A vocalist with the best voice? Freddie Mercury's voice is so versatile and chill-inducing, Amy Lee is an obvious answer, Patrick Stump's voice is just so goddamn sexy, as is Brendon Urie's, as well as wide in vocal range. Do you have a band yourself? Maaaan, that'd be dope. But no. Do you write poetry or song lyrics? I used to write poems aaaaaall the time (y'know, the "I'm 14 and this is deep" kind), and I've actually really wanted to for a while now, but idk about what. Plus my word-weaving capability has drastically declined, so all I'd do is get mad. Your best memories: Meeting Sara, SARA'S FUCKING FACE WHEN SHE SAW ME IN HER BEDROOM ON HER LAST BIRTHDAY OH MY FUCKING GOD, a novel of things with Jason, seeing meerkats at the zoo for the first time, THE DAY GOD NOTICED ME THROUGH A GIF I WORKED WAY TOO HARD ON (I couldn't sleep for three days, and I wish I was kidding), uhhhh. A lot. Your worst memories: The night of the breakup, absolutely and entirely. Nothing compares. It was a slow, paralyzing trauma (don't get pissy about me using that word "as an exaggeration," it was diagnosed as such years ago) that entirely put me into an actual state of shock. I wish that night on absolutely nobody. No one. Funniest thing you've ever seen an animal do? Maaaaan, I could tell you a lot. Probably inarguably the funniest was Ginger (ex's beagle) WITHOUT FAIL losing her shit with jealousy or SOMETHING whenever she noticed Jason and I were doing anything that involved affection without her. That dog would LOSE IT with barking, tail wagging, and climbing all over him, and it was never not funny to see this fatass little dog turn into a living cockblock lmfao. OH YEAH then our late boxer Cali could be baited into howling if you did it sometimes. It was so, so cute. She'd always look so confused but do it anyway. I'm sure there're others; I've grown up with pets my whole life, but those are the only two that come to me now. What is on your mind? I wanna see Sara. Could you ever cheat on your significant other? I physically couldn't stand myself if I ever did. No. Ever been so disgraced that you had homicidal thoughts? Wow no. If so, whom did you wish to assassin? I mean I've talked about Ashley (not my sister) before, but they weren't seriously "homicidal." I wasn't going to actually do anything. If you wish to be famous, what would you want to be famous for? I don't wish it, but let's say I was. Some form of artist. ... Wait, I do want that. Errrmmm OH! A serious wildlife conservator. Do you think humanity is going downhill? Duh. What was the last thing you threw at someone? I have no clue. Do you ever want to be prom queen/king? I didn't care. Have you ever ran from the police? I'd prefer to stay out of jail. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yeeeaaah... When was the last time you made dinner? me?????? cook????????????? huh?????????????? Do you have any special plans coming up? I'm shooting my sister's gender reveal Sunday. :') Ash and her husband don't know the gender, so I am so fucking excited to see their reactions. Who do you want to be buried next to? Please don't bury me and just take up space. Cremate me and scatter the ashes somewhere, or do SOMETHING meaningful and creative. What is your favorite fish? Like... to eat? I haven't tried very much, but I liked striper forever and ever ago. If you mean visually, probably betta fish. Have you ever won a gold medal? Probably with kid stuff. Do you have any trophies? Also as a kid for A honor roll, as well as dance and sports overall. Do you work out? Oops no. When you introduce yourself, do you give hand shakes? It depends on who I'm talking to. Is there a limit to how many best friends you have? No? Do you have any hickeys on you? Bitch a girl can wish. Do you have the strength to say goodbye forever? Been there, finally done that. Will you talk to the person you like tonight? I talk to her every day throughout the day. Who did you last share a bed with? Sara. Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Sara or Mom. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What are you listening to right now? I'm not actually listening to anything, but "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac is BURIED into my head rn. What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? I've never tried to latter actually, but I'd probably still prefer hot chocolate, anyway. Do you make wishes at 11:11? No; I don't believe in that stuff. I have a friend who posts JUST "11:11 <3" or something like that every night on FB, and while it shouldn't, it annoys the fuck out of me. No one cares. Ever been on a golf cart? Yeah. Do you get blizzards where you live? No, never to the point where "blizzard" fits. What’s a biblical truth that you struggle with? lmao When was the last time you did something rebellious? *shrugs* Do you rebel against God a lot? I can genuinely say I don't give a fuck if I do or don't. Do you consider yourself creative? Very. What’s an old hobby that you want to pick back up? Sigh, reading. Do you ever read books to a pet? No. That seems without real purpose... and this is coming from me, an animal worshiper, just about. Like, you know they genuinely have no clue what you're saying or doing, and I highly doubt they're gonna stay still and look at the pictures. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, a cat, a rat, and a snake. What was the theme of your childhood bedroom? It didn't have a set theme. Partially because I grew up with the same room as my little sister, and we had very different interests. What color was your nursery as a baby? I have zero clue. Did I even have a proper nursery??? What was the last surgery you had? Getting a cyst above my asscrack removed lmaoooo. What’s something you prefer to keep private? Sexual history. I am very, very shy talking about that kind of stuff. Who is someone you look up to? *sobs "fischfuck" at the top of my lungs* As a child, did you have people you admired? STEVE IRWIN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EMOTIONAL DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you good at prioritizing? Eek... I'm unsure, to be honest. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? fuckin' Halloween hoe. Which holiday or season has the best decorations in stores? Soooo Halloween decor=room decor for me tbh lol. Who’s the prettiest YouTuber you watch? She doesn't have her own active YT channel anymore, but Suzy Hanson (GameGrumps' Arin's wife) is a fucking goddess. Oh, and while I've never watched her channel, I've seen Hannah Hart on GMM quite a few times, and she's actually one of my first signals that I wasn't straight because I definitely felt attracted to how naturally beautiful she is. What’s the most shocking thing that’s occurred in your life lately? Finding out my grandma has terminal cancer. How’s the weather been at your part of the world in the past week? It's been fucking hot. Thursday was the hottest October day in NC history, peaking at 100. Disgoostiiiiiing. Have you given something up recently? (for ex., candy, red meat etc.) Uhhhh well, this is semi-recently, I guess: I entirely stopped going to Chick-fil-a in protest of higher-ranking business employees or whatever supporting/making donations to anti-LGBT cults, especially conversion "therapy." What’s the worst thing about autumn? "How fleeting it is. I never feel like I get properly immersed in the experience. I blink and the leaves are gone and Thanksgiving is here and Christmas is right around the corner." <<< Perfect description. What is something you enjoy doing, even if you’re not very good at it? Drawing portraits, maybe. Do you work hard for your money? I don't have a job, never have had a stable one. However, on the occasion I'm hired to take pictures, I. Try. Really. Hard. What’s a song that most people interpret entirely wrong? "Mama I'm Coming Home" by Ozzy Osbourne was first to come to mind; reasonably, people tend to think the song is about his mother, but it's rather about his wife. Calling your wife that is apparently some English petname. When’s the last time you had cake? Wow, idk, actually. I think my niece mighta had some for her birthday in June? I know my nephew had cupcakes. Yeah, I think it was her b-day. Have you ever made your own soda from scratch? I have not. How about your own jam? No. Or pickled something? No. Did you grow anything in your garden this year? No, we don't have one. Or did someone give you something they grew in theirs? No. What’s the most romantic gift anyone’s given to you? Uhhhhhhhhhh idk. Do you like woolly socks? If so, do you ever make your own? NO, especially when you put sneakers over them or something. They feel so constricted. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? A laptop that needs to be replaced, gah. Or fixed. I have a pure black crack and blob stretching across the left side of my screen that is super distracting and obscuring, and the right side of the top half is cracked along the side; I have duct tape to help keep it closed. Otherwise it's a fine laptop, though. Oh wait, and the apostrophe key is missing, so I have to hit the plastic pressure thingy that's easy to miss. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? No. If so, who has been your favorite contestant on AGT? My favorite ever was Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. Still have some of his covers on my iPod. Prince Poppycock is also my gay uncle that I would die for. What chore are you behind on? I need to dust my room good lort. Have you ever broken your phone screen? No, actually. Have you ever broke your computer screen? Well, refer to earlier question. I don't know if it's technically "broke," just damaged (it's not an actual scratch, btw; it's beyond the exterior screen). I need to take it somewhere to fix it ahhhhh. What department store do you shop at the most? Wal-Mart. Do you normally use the self-checkout or the regular checkout? Depends on how much we have. If it's just a handful or so, we just go do it ourselves. Which friend will be in your heart no matter what happens between you two? Sara, Megan. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No. OH SHIT NO WAIT, I THINK a friend and I may have wandered into Spencer's once when we were "too young." Or maybe we just got ID'd. Idk, idr. What was the stupidest mistake of your life? Turning a person into my sole source of "real" happiness, giving my entire soul to a flawed human being, being naive about love, all that jazz. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? Well, she unfriended me. We're friends again now tho I think I pissed her off again. Oops. Do you watch Niki and Gabi on YouTube? If yes, which twin is your favorite: Niki or Gabi? I've heard of 'em, but don't know anything about/watch them. What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. The Handmaid's Tale is now right behind it. What do you want for your birthday this year? My '19 birthday has already passed, but if you mean like, my next one, idk. Maybe a new phone considering mine is GODawful with so many problems. Alllllthough I'm entirely aware I'll be putting a tattoo first, so... it depends on what I have, ha ha. Do you like rock music? Yep. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!!!! What do you usually take for headaches? Advil/Ibuprofen. Have you ever switched doctors because of mistreatment? Or moreso carelessness and immeasurable ignorance masked by over-confidence. Do you film or record your doctor’s appointments? ??????????????????????????????? Can you even do that?????????????????? Which accomplishment are you most proud of yourself for? So, this kinda depends. I'm most likely to say "recovery," but I honestly give almost all credit to my psychiatrist and therapists. So I don't usually see *me* as playing a big role in it. Idk. So other days I'll say way more confidently graduating in the top 10% of the graduating class as a senior. Do you feel like you’ve accomplished anything yet with your life? Well yeah. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination I take of Vraylar + Lamictal due to how they interact and being massively responsible for me being stable. What is your favorite vitamin, and why? Do people???????????? have fave vitamins????????????????? List 5 people you know who have never been mean to you. Uh. I think Connie is it out of the people I know well/have known for a long time, lol. Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? s c i e n c e  b i t c h Do you say garbage, trash, rubbish, or something else? "Trash," usually. Which Bratz doll was your favorite? I didn't have a favorite. Which Barbie doll was your favorite? ^ Which American Girl doll was your favorite? I don't remember. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but I find them veeeeeery pretty when decorated well. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No, I wish... What is your favorite Lisa Frank character? angel!!!!!!!!!!!! KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you believe in the power of prayer? Not in the slightest. What color eyes does the person you like/love have? Are they pretty? A beautiful brown. Obviously if I call them beautiful. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon cries. I never really like... showed just how much though. Looking back on when I was a kid, I took embarrassment poorly even then. Other girls thought I was weird for bringing a Psyduck plushy with me to school everyday, everyone in pre-k looked at me like "huh" when I brought my little Snorlax plush in for show-and-tell, I came to a point of only watching it when my sister was asleep, I was too scared to ask for the games, and- jfc okay I'm actually realizing I need to go back to therapy to talk about how deep my AvPD truly is rooted oops lmao. Do you eat chili when you get a hot dog, or do you like it plain? Chili is disgusting. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None got to the point of me feeling *actually* drunk. I've only ever been tipsy. When was the last time you acted really immature? *shrugs* Can you rely on one or more people to take up for you? Yeah, a few. When is the last time you sat around a campfire? I don't have a clue. Is there an important event coming up at your school? I think? It's some event all freshmen have to attend to all damn day and I'm not looking forward to it. It's for a good cause, but. It's gonna be a drag and I've had two incidents this school year of once collapsing and just last week almost fainting and vomiting just from the heat. Do you have a back-up career choice? What is it? Something with writing, I guess. Well, I ideally want to be a professional photographer but also a zoologist, but if photography goes absurdly well (this is incredibly unlikely, I know, but it's doable), I may not aim for a zoologist career, but get the necessary degree for it as back-up. I want an unquestionably stable back-up choice. My minor is Journalism, so like I mentioned up top, yeah, if things really go shitty, something in writing is an option. Would you ever get caught with a fake ID? No. Do you think religion justifies treating people unequally? I don't see the supposed "rationality" in this at all. No. Are men more attractive with longer or shorter hair? I guess it depends on the person, but I think I'm generally more attracted to men with longer hair. What color was the ink of the last pen you used? Black. Is there a name that you hear and cringe? I can't really say "cringe," but without fail, it's obvious who and what I think of the moment I hear the name "Jason," and it always causes this dull pain in my chest. What color are your dad’s eyes? They're dark brown. When you were a kid, was there a boy/girl that you said you were going to marry? No. Is your favourite TV show very popular? That '70s Show is, and Fullmetal Alchemist is among anime fans, at least. I don't think too many people know about Meerkat Manor, but I know it was and possibly still is Animal Planet's highest-grossing series, so it sure was big for viewers of that channel. What are you absolutely determined to do? Become at least a semi-successful photographer, make a great life with Sara, support my mom one day like she always has me, mostly overcome anxiety, photograph and touch a habituated meerkat of the KMP... a handful of things. Where would you rather be from? Somewhere in the U.S. that's not a homophobic, racist, gun-fucking, Bible-thumping cesspit of closed-minded shits. I love NC. How often do you play sports? Never. What website do you visit most often? YouTube. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn? I stopped this as a young teenager, but I know I was one of those kids who used "retarded" as a substitute for "stupid." I absolutely hate that shit. I also had to unlearn uhhhh... man, I know there's a lot, I'm just blanking right now. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should? *shrug* Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? Interesting to me personally, Chicago. Cities that massive are foreign to me. What fad or trend do you hope comes back? Scene fashion was art, don't @ me. What’s the best way to start the day? SLEEPY CUDDLES W/ YOUR S/O. What kind of art do you enjoy most? Man, idk. I love art so much. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? That's a good question. What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen? Literally today/yesterday when I watched the secret stream Mark did of gathering viewers to anonymously destroy random but small Twitch streamers' charity goals & he was too motivated and inspiring & everyone was so fucking confused but thankful and it was literally the most inarguably Chaotic Good thing I have ever borne witness to. For three hours I couldn't stop fucking smiling. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? Hell if I know. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? lol guess How do you relax after a hard day of work? I don't work. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? TV show? 13 Reasons Why is a hell no. The Human Centipede I wouldn't watch over my dead fucking body. Where would you spend all your time if you could? All my time? Idk. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? Improving the world. What’s the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen? I couldn't even try to answer that question. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? I dunno, probably a lot. Maybe food? Ensure it's safe, at least. What is the luckiest thing that has happened to you? Not flipping over in the wreck we got in when I was a kid, probably. All factors of it considered, we were told flipping would have been far more likely than my mom managing to keep us on four wheels. What are some small things that make your day better? Multiple things. Sara feeling positive, I'm fucking awful so having a yummy soda gives me a measly drop of Serotonin, I love seeing Venus come out of her rock to wander around, finding a new song to become utterly addicted to is great, cool weather outside... things like that. I'm sure there's more. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford? REALLY want? A trip to South Africa. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? Uhhh idk. Otep, I suppose. As a band, anyway. She's actually the QUEEN of bigoted bitches. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? N/A What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? Oh, idk. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? Still a photographer. Have you ever saved someone’s life? No. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? People can tell you they'll always be there and still leave in the blink of an eye. What’s something you are self-conscious about? Unconventional interests/hobbies and my body. Have you ever given to any charities? Yes. What was the best compliment you’ve received? Idk. What’s the most immature thing that you do? Not gonna lie, I can act bratty if I don't get something I SERIOUSLY want. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? None, really. What have you created that you are most proud of? A novel of very developed and deep RP characters over the years. What do you regret not doing or starting when you were younger? Learning German. As you get older, what are you becoming more and more afraid of? Mom dying. Being independent. In what situation or place would you feel the most out of place in? Most out of place? Would, like not one I've actually experienced? Uhhh idk. An orgy lmao.

[love-ya-tommo-row]

Unfortunately, it is impossible to be in Louiedom without forming an opinion on “babygate”.

My opinion is basically this- I really don’t like the way people talk about Briana. I don’t like that people say cruel things and treat her as a prop, rather than a real person. I also think she is the mother of Freddie- as my father once charmingly put it, “Women have babies and men have maybes.” It’s substantially harder to fake maternity than paternity. I don’t think the pregnancy was faked.

But really, on the subject of paternity, there are only three possibilities. A) Both Louis and Briana know there’s no way he’s the father, B) Both Louis and Briana have reason to think he might be the father, C) Briana knows he’s the father and Louis knows there’s a possibility he might be the father. But during 2015, when the weirdest press that convinced everyone it was a stunt was coming out, there was no way to objectively confirm paternity, if there was any doubt. While CVS and amniocentesis can technically be used for that purpose, they almost never are because they’re invasive procedures that carry a small risk of miscarriage, and Briana would be entirely within her rights to refuse any request she submit to such a procedure. So everything was based off her word- I strongly suspect she was the ‘instigator’ of babygate, and the weird press was 1DHQ trying to get out ahead of her.

But the thing that struck me was, regardless of paternity and regardless of which of the three scenarios above was true, Briana has a rational reason to claim Louis is the father, 1DHQ has strong business motivations to go along with her claim, and Louis would experience strong pressure on both a business and personal level to go along with stories that he seemed really uncomfortable about.

More thoughts under the cut

Freddie’s birthday means he was conceived sometime between the last week of April and the first week of May, basically. Briana had publicly available photographic proof she was clubbing with Louis and getting cuddly with him three dates within that time frame (5/5, 5/7, 5/9). With a positive pregnancy test, she had leverage to name Louis as the father and potentially sell the story. It could’ve become a drawn out he said-she said if they chose to fight it. But when would she have found out she was pregnant?

I was really curious how the “It’s not real” incident lined up with the conception date. Too early and it would be before either he or Briana could’ve known she was pregnant. But the date (6/27) is just past the 7 weeks mark for fetal age (or 9 weeks if you go by LMP)- pretty much the earliest she could’ve possibly known she was pregnant. So was he making a joke about the doll, or was he thinking about Briana, maybe suspecting she was faking a pregnancy or that it wasn’t his? It’s also interesting to me that Liam joins in with him. He was actually out clubbing with Louis and Briana and the rest of their crew on 5/7, one of the potential conception dates, and shortly after, on 5/11.

The pregnancy is publicly announced on 7/14. People have commented that announcing in the 1st trimester is pretty brazen, and almost totally unheard of in celebrity cases. But Briana isn’t actually a celebrity. She’s an unknown stylist from a normal middle class family in LA. She wants to avoid being pushed under a rug, and she wants attention to promote her career. I am a little curious if she knew the hiatus was coming- she was clubbing with both Louis and Liam and their crew, and while I think a lot of the details were still being fought over (ie, whether or not to tour MITAM) the writing was on the wall by that point in 2015. Did she know she had less than a year of 1D press to try and raise her career profile?

Regardless of the above wild speculation, I don’t know any 23 year old who’s never had a miscarriage before who thinks “I should probably be discreet about this until the 2nd trimester, just in case.” I think it’s reasonable to assume she thought “Oh fuck, I’m going to have a baby, what should I do?” And naming Louis as the father clearly makes sense. Either she knows for a fact he’s the father, in which case her motivations are obvious, she suspects he may be the father, in which case he’s the best to name because he’s clearly the guy who’d best be able to provide her and her child with financial stability, at least through the pregnancy, or she knows he’s not the father but maybe hoped they’d pay her to keep quiet.

Which then brings up the very good question- why didn’t they pay her to keep quiet? Or, alternatively, why didn’t she take the money? I think timing, and the hiatus, is key here. The whole ‘babygate’ thing was unfolding all of three months out from Zayn leaving the band, and a year after “the weed video”. They knew the hiatus was upcoming at the end, though again, who knows how many details were still being negotiated. I think getting through the last four months of tour without a major scandal was the main goal. The only thing less wholesome than a boybander having an oops-baby is a boybander involved in an ugly public paternity suit that would almost certainly devolve into allegations of substance abuse. Even if Louis wanted to fight the allegation of paternity, even if he said he’d never had sex with her before in his life, I think his management and PR team did not give a shit about him personally and would’ve had strong motivations to lean on him shut up and let them put a ‘positive spin’ on things. Rather than trying to bury the story, it seems like they tried to get out ahead of it to prevent any “leaks”. Saying he and Briana “briefly dated” is the most anodyne way possible to describe “allegedly hooked up while clubbing”, and every headline wasn’t just Louis Tomlinson is having a baby, it’s Louis Tomlinson is HAPPY to be having a baby, he’s EXCITED to be a dad, this is fine!! Absolutely no scandal here!! As for her not taking the money, again, either she knows or reasonably suspects he’s the father, in which case she held out because public acknowledgement of her child was more valuable to her, or they just didn’t try to pay her off and jumped into reaction mode, at which point she could hardly say, “Oh, wait, no, I take it back.”

And on a personal level, I think Louis’ background is salient here. I don’t know any man raised by a single mom with an estranged dad who didn’t carry a quiet fear of replaying that in their own lives. So if he had any reason to suspect he may be the father of Briana’s baby, he would’ve experienced pressure to not only go along with it for the sake of the band, but personal pressure to “step up”. Even if he knew he wasn’t the father, if he wasn’t believed, he would’ve experienced this same pressure, just based on appearances.

So then, at the birth- I don’t see what’s so weird about him stepping out to wander around a shop. He wasn’t in a relationship with Briana, why would she want him there? Why should he burden her and her family by awkwardly hanging around at a very stressful point in their lives? Why should he wait in the waiting room for however many hours? I know a man, who is indisputably the father of his child, who went across the street to Starbucks while his wife got an emergency Caesarean, which is waaaaaaay more insensitive. Sometimes people do weird or stupid stuff. If babygate was a planned PR stunt, why have Louis get bored and get photographed buying sunglasses? Why not avoid the hospital all together, or only take “happy dad” photos? There’s some interesting studies of attachment- most women are attached to their babies by the 3rd trimester, but most men don’t form an attachment until they hold the child. IDK, again, obviously there’s multiple ways to view the situation, but “Louis felt ambivalent about the whole thing and wanted to step out for a bit” isn’t...like, proof he’s a bad dad or super bizarre like a lot of people make it out to be.

So Freddie is born (I love the fact he’s named after Freddie Mercury btw, lmao). I think, by that point, Louis had been pretty thoroughly gaslit by everyone around him, regardless of whether he suspects he’s the father or knows he isn’t. He’s spent the better part of 6 months being forced to talk about being a dad, but this is also probably the lowest point in his career. He had literally just lost the job he’d dedicated himself to for 5 years, and I think that he legitimately had to have a little grieving period for 1D. So why not confirm with a paternity test at this point? Maybe he’s being pressured not to rock the boat, maybe he’d feel like a heel for publicly talking about the kid then immediately pressing for a paternity test, maybe he just doesn’t feel like making a fuss. I think he stayed in LA as much for his family’s sake as anything, because, at the risk of overspeculating, if Jay had any reason to think Louis was a father, I think she’d want him to be there for the baby. It is striking, when you look at 2016, the timing of his stay. He’s in LA for 2/3 of the first four months, and almost entirely out of town the last four months of the year. Then in 2017, he starts really working towards a solo career, publicly states he wants Freddie to have privacy, establishes legal custody, then isn’t publicly photographed with him after December 2017.

The custody issue is a whole other thing. If Briana was paid off by 1DHQ, why start shit over his right to see the child? If the stories are planted, why plant them? If the goal is to give Louis the ultimate signifier of heterosexuality, why not play happy families, and if the goal is to humiliate him, having him portrayed as the beleagued father fighting for his rights doesn’t seem that humiliating. IDK. To be fair though, on the other hand, if Briana knows or suspects Louis isn’t the father, that might explain her reluctance to allow him access, while she can’t publicly say he isn’t the father without losing his financial support. It’s also a bit odd to allegedly fight for 50-50 custody then not use that right, but it might’ve been pressure as I think his main goal was to limit the amount of social media pictures she (and her family) circulated of Freddie. You can’t legally prevent a mom from posting pics of her child, except by preventing her from taking those photos. A sort of “cut this shit out or I’ll take him for half the year” thing. Which is maybe a little shitty, but not unjustified- seeking to maximize his legal rights to protect his image is not bad or evil.

As for Freddie being in the care of his grandparents a lot of the time... Like, while a young single mom deputizing her parents to provide a lion’s share of caregiving for her child is perhaps not admirable, it’s hardly unusual. Plus, it seems like half the times we see him with his grandparents, they’re out and about or on vacation? Which seems like a reasonable time for them to be babysitting him, or spending a lot of time with him. Those kind of caregiving arrangements really are just a family matter.

I do get really bothered when I see people say “babygate” must be true, because otherwise Louis would be a bad person and they’d hate him. My own moral sense is very different, haha. To me, it’s much shadier to comply with a publicity stunt involving the life of a real, literal preschooler. Like, image contracts, I understand, but sometimes you HAVE to break a contract. Having a child with a woman you don’t love, seeing that child a few times a year, and paying your child support on time is absolutely not immoral in my mind. I would still be a Louis fan if he did, as they say ‘*** **’, but I am also a fan of him if Freddie is his child.

I think I’ve exhausted almost everything I have to say on this topic haha? Oh, wait, the kid is a leggy 3 year old. He would be a very young looking 5 year old. I work with young children every day, and in every photo I’ve seen of him he ‘appears his stated age’ as they say in the business. So yeah, that’s well and truly out of my system, I think!

In conclusion, I think ‘babygate’ was PR weirdness springing from 1DHQ being their reactionary selves in the last few months of 1D and just generally not giving a shit about Louis on a personal level, I think he’s done his best to minimize this whole thing and good for him, really, I have no bad feelings towards him regardless of which scenario is true. Either he is the father, and he’s paying his child support, or he’s not the father and he’s still paying child support. Anything beyond that does not affect my enjoyment of his music. I think Briana would have rational reasons to behave as she did regardless of her knowledge of Louis’ paternity, and wanting to use a famous connection to try and find financial security and be an Instagram influencer is hardly the worst thing in the world. I don’t like or care about her, but like, she’s not the devil. She had an unplanned pregnancy and she tried to make the best of it. I personally can’t hate her for that. Being catty and mean online is fun, I also enjoy making the occasional catty comment, but I wish people wouldn’t make catty mean comments about, again, a literal actual preschooler.