#sometimes i think about how far ive come from high school

[animentality]

I love you all.

Most ardently.

No joke, no memes, no quip. No cap.

Just love you. Doesn't need to be requited.

[morganski-19]

part 1, part 2, part 3

Wayne stays at the hospital longer than he should. Rubbing his fingers along Eddie’s pick necklace like a rosary. Hoping that if he just prays hard enough, if his voice can be heard, Eddie will wake up. 

The prognosis isn’t great. Each day that passes marks another day where his chances of waking up get lower. Even though many people have woken up from medically induced comas much later than this. According to the doctors. According to the pamphlets given to him at the start of all of this shit. But those are just words. Words he doesn’t believe fully. 

Six days with no changes. No improvement. Just a tube to make sure he’s breathing regularly and an IV to make sure he doesn’t die of dehydration or starvation. The doctors say that his brain still shows activity, and his heart hasn’t missed a beat since he was last revived. Eddie’s alive, but just how much?

How much longer will Wayne sit in this agony waiting for him to wake up? Or how long until the string of hope just ends six feet under? 

Religion was something that Wayne dealt with sporadically. He was raised Catholic, sort of still is a practicing Catholic. Goes to church when he isn’t too tired, still prays, and goes to confession sometimes. Just didn’t always make sense. But now, it’s all he’s got. 

Eddie’s in God’s hands now. Whether that’s the God in the Bible, or some other deity of the many other religions in the world, Wayne doesn’t care anymore. As long as he’s heard, and this being knows his boy is good. That he was taken far too soon. 

Eddie liked to say there was nothing much for him past high school. That he was going to run out of town as soon as he could and fight to make something of himself. Be a struggling musician, find odd jobs. Anything to keep him out of the monotony of a corporate job. Get him away from the conservative views and stuffiness of this town. Somehow get big enough to prove them all that he wasn’t a failure. Or never come back to prove them all right. 

It would be a sad day when Eddie finally left for good. The trailer would seem empty without the life that Eddie brought. The peace and quiet that Wayne always asked for not bringing any peace because it was too damn quiet. He knew this now because it’s what’s keeping him here each day. 

The beeping of the heart monitor was like the heart beating in his chest. Some noise came from Eddie to prove that he was alive. Almost like he was acting himself again. The motel room he was staying in was too quiet. No music down the hall, no clanking around the kitchen, no yelling at the TV or a book. Just the occasional noise if there were neighbors and people driving to the hospital. It was all the wrong noise, though. 

“Excuse me,” a nurse says as she enters the room. “Visiting hours are over, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Wayne nods, getting up from his chair. Back screaming as it pops itself back into place. It’s his day off, or night off tonight, so he can actually sleep. If it ever comes to him. Might be one of those nights where the ceiling and him have a staring contest. He’s been close, but never quite won one of those yet. 

The Chief’s car sits outside of the motel as Wayne pulls up. It’s only been a day since they spoke last, there can’t be that many updates. Wayne can’t think of any other reason he’s here. 

Wayne invites him into the motel room, the urge to offer him a drink screaming at him, but he has none to give. Hospitality doesn’t come with the room fees. 

“I’m guessing there’s something new, that’s why you're here.”

“Not necessarily. I’m still trying, but until the one guy I normally negotiate with comes out of hiding, that’s when the real talking happens.”

Wayne sits down on one of the chairs, too tired to keep standing. “Why’re you here then?”

“To check on you. I know the hospital life well. It’s no picnic, especially if you’re doing it alone.” He pulls another one of the chairs over to sit down. 

There’s no lie in that. “I’m about as good as anyone could think.”

The Chief pulls two beers out from under his coat, handing one to Wayne. He takes it faster than any beer he has in his life. Pulling out his pocket knife to take off the cap. 

“How long till that friend of yours comes out of hiding?”

Hopper shrugs. “Don’t know. Sent him a few threatening letters, and he still owes me one, so we’ll see. If things were better here, I’d go hunt the man down myself.”

Wayne nods. The company’s nice, he can’t lie. Sitting in solidarity with someone who knows what you’ve been through. Making sure nothing’s going worse than it already is. Like a sponsor through the hospital proceedings. 

When the sun finally finishes setting, the chief excuses himself. Not before handing Wayne a slip of paper with his number on it, just in case anything happens. 

The more days go by, the more Wayne is reminded that he’s not alone in this. Not fighting this battle alone. People believe him, more than just kids. People with influence. It shows in how people keep coming in and out of the hospital room. Saying how they know he’s innocent. That he’s guilty of some things, but not this. 

It makes him think back to that afternoon, snapping at the Harrington kid. It’s so easy to be angry at people who are better off, in so many ways, that vision gets blinded. Seeing someone who went through something similar to Eddie get out, and be conscious while his boy is still asleep. Probably will never have to worry about hospital bills and medical debt. It makes him angry. 

Even if the kid doesn’t deserve it. Wayne has no clue who this kid is and how he knows Eddie. Why he claims to have been there in the week Eddie was missing. What it all means. It doesn’t make any sense. None at all. 

But then the next morning when he’s getting coffee, there’s the kid again coming in beside Dustin. Talking to someone at the front desk before heading down the hall. Right to the elevator, and up to the floor Eddie’s on. 

Wayne heads back to the room, ready to kick him out again or apologize. He’s not sure yet. But, the room is empty. Steve is instead down the hall, talking to Susan Mayfield. Looking serious as hell, and halfway ready to cry. 

Another kid comes out of the room, one who’s stopped by a few times to check on Eddie. Lucas, Wayne thinks is his name. Remembers it only because Eddie had ranted a few times about some kid named Lucas trying to be on both the basketball team and part of the Dragons club. 

The kid says something to Steve before he’s being wrapped in a hug and starts crying. Steve just holding him as this kid breaks down. Presumably about the person behind those doors. Wayne assumes it’s probably Susan’s kid. Remembers hearing that she was in bad shape. Hopefully, that didn’t get any worse. 

Wayne returns to his room, not wanting to intrude. A nurse comes in a while later and asks him to step out for a bit. 

“What for?”

“Eddie’s breathing has improved over the last twenty-four hours. The doctor came in to check on him early this morning, and said that if by noon it was the same, the breathing tube could come out.”

“And that’s a good thing?” Wayne’s hesitant to believe anything these days. 

The nurse nods. “As long as his oxygen levels stay, well level, then yes. It means that his body is well on the way to recovery.”

Wayne nods, taking his coffee to the waiting room. There, he just waits.

Next part

Note: The next part of this will get a bit interesting. I've been having ideas for a while now of making this duel POV between Wayne and someone else, maybe Steve. Mainly because I keep thinking of conversations that would happen, but Wayne would be nowhere to witness it. But I think what this fic needs is a POV not directly in the main relationship that will be happening, to keep it an outsider POV fic. So I'm thinking that the second POV would be from either Robin or Dustin. I'm currently deciding between the two so let me know what you think. I'm also going to start posting this to ao3, and will provide the link to that once I think of a title. I will continue to post the smaller parts here on tumblr, and you will not be missing out on any of the story if you only follow it on here. For now all of the parts will also have the tag #morgan's wayne POV. If that changes, as it probably will since this is no longer just a wayne POV fic, I will let you know. Also, Max is alive, they just got a heavy diagnosis that you will learn of later.

tag list, let me know if you want to be added or removed: @the-they-who-nerded, @insteviewetrust, @croatoan-like-its-hot, @jettestar, @tinyplanet95, @steddie-as-they-go, @slv-333, @littlecelestialmoth, @thatonebadideapanda, @fandomsanddeath, @marismorar, @wonderland-girl143-blog, @glass-bottle03, @gutterflower77, @here4thetrama, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @jaytriesstuff, @cryptid-system, @manda-panda-monium, @resident-gay-bitch, @anaibis, @xxsutherlandxx, @forevermineliv, @mugloversonly, @gregre369, @n0-1-important, @different-tale-student, @spectrum-spectre, @tartarusknight, @devondepresso, @swimmingbirdrunningrock, @cheertain, @anti-ozzie, @autumncrocusandladybug, @greeniebean911, @cr0w-culture, @stillfullofshit, @connected-dots, @daisynotquake, @morgannotlefay, @a-little-unsteddie, @dolphincliffs

[iovebarca]

One Tap - Pau Cubarsi

Authors note: sorry for dissapearing lol ive had a whole ass situationship and like other things

WC: 1500+

warnings: incorrect grammar (probably), my first language isn't english so if you notice any mistakes please tell me, fluff!

It all started with a random tap.

You can’t even remember where you saw his username. Maybe it popped up on your “Quick Add” list, or perhaps you had seen him tagged in one of your friend’s stories. Either way, it was a quiet night, and out of sheer boredom, you tapped “Add.” It wasn’t a big deal—you added people on Snapchat all the time. But this time was different.

This time, the guy you added was Pau.

At first, you didn’t really expect anything to come from it. He was just another random addition to your Snapchat feed—a footballer from Barcelona you vaguely recognized from TV or headlines. You sent a snap of something silly, probably your dog or whatever show you were watching, and forgot about it. But then, he snapped back.

A picture of him after training, his messy hair sticking to his forehead, with a lazy grin and a “How’s it going?” scrawled across the screen in simple white text.

That’s how it all began.

You didn’t think much of it at first—just harmless snaps exchanged throughout the day, keeping things casual. But over time, it turned into something more. The randomness of it faded, and you found yourself looking forward to his snaps. His smile, the goofy faces he’d send when he was tired after training, and the way he’d always ask about your day even if he was exhausted from practice in Barcelona, far away from your home in Córdoba.

There was an easy connection between you two, the kind that felt so natural you didn’t even realize how close you were getting. It wasn’t just about streaks anymore or sending photos of sunsets or what you were eating for dinner. It became long conversations over Snapchat, then texts, and eventually video calls late into the night.

You’d talk about anything and everything. He told you what it was like to balance life as a footballer, the highs of being on the field and the lows of dealing with pressure. You’d share stories about school, your life in Córdoba, and how you’d sneak in time to watch him play whenever you could catch the games on TV.

He’d laugh at your stories, always making you feel like you were the most interesting person in the world. And his laugh—it was addictive. It came out in bursts, sometimes making his whole face light up through the screen, and every time you heard it, you’d feel a little warmer inside.

You didn’t know exactly when your feelings shifted, but suddenly, he wasn’t just a footballer in Barcelona anymore. He was Pau, the guy who made you laugh, who would send you a picture of his breakfast with a silly caption just to brighten your day, who always seemed to know exactly what to say when you were feeling low.

It was innocent, sweet, and yet a little bittersweet too. He was there, on the other side of the screen, but also miles away.

You were in Córdoba. He was in Barcelona.

Still, you fell into a comfortable rhythm. Every morning, you’d wake up to a sleepy selfie from Pau—his hair a mess, his eyes half-closed, but always with a “Buenos días” just for you. And at night, you’d talk until one of you couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore, ending the conversation with a quiet “Goodnight.”

One night, after months of this back-and-forth, Pau brought it up.

“I really want to see you,” he said softly over the phone. It was late, and you were both lying in bed, the only sound being his quiet voice and the occasional rustle of sheets as he shifted.

You felt your heart skip a beat, that warm, nervous feeling bubbling up in your stomach. You’d been thinking about it too—about what it would be like to see him in person. But it felt impossible. “I want to see you too,” you whispered, a smile pulling at your lips. “But I mean... how? You’re there, I’m here…”

“I’ll come to Córdoba,” he said, like it was the simplest thing in the world. “I don’t care. I want to see you.”

You laughed softly, not entirely sure if he was serious. “Yeah? You’re just going to show up at my door?”

“Maybe I will,” he teased. “You never know.”

You brushed it off, not thinking much of it. But in the following days, Pau became a little quieter, not snapping as much, not calling as often. He mentioned being busy with training and travel, and you tried not to worry. Still, you missed him, and the distance felt heavier without your daily chats.

A few days later, you were home alone, lounging on the couch and flipping through your phone. The day had been long, and you felt restless, wishing Pau would call or at least send one of his usual goofy snaps to cheer you up.

Suddenly, your phone buzzed. Not a snap—your doorbell.

Confused, you got up and made your way to the door. You weren’t expecting anyone, and when you peeked out of the window, your heart stopped.

Pau was standing on your doorstep.

It didn’t seem real at first. Your brain struggled to catch up with what your eyes were seeing. He was just standing there, hands shoved awkwardly into the pockets of his jacket, looking a little nervous but with that familiar, lopsided grin on his face. He gave a small wave, as if he wasn’t sure what else to do.

“Hey,” he said, voice soft but filled with that quiet confidence you knew so well.

You stood there, speechless, for what felt like forever. How was he here? He was supposed to be in Barcelona. Was this a dream? It had to be a dream.

But it wasn’t. This was real. He was real.

“Pau…” you finally whispered, your voice shaky. “What… how…”

He laughed, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “I told you I’d show up at your door.”

Before you could say anything else, you threw your arms around him. The second you felt his solid, warm presence against you, everything else melted away. He hugged you back immediately, his arms wrapping tightly around your waist like he’d been waiting for this moment as long as you had.

It was the first time you’d ever felt him, really felt him, and it was overwhelming. His heartbeat against your chest, the way he smelled like fresh air and the faint hint of cologne, the warmth of his embrace—it all felt like everything had fallen into place. He held you like he didn’t want to let go, and for the longest time, neither of you moved, just standing there in each other’s arms.

You finally pulled back, just enough to look up at him. His face was inches from yours, his eyes soft and searching as he studied you. He looked nervous, almost shy, like he couldn’t quite believe he was really standing in front of you.

“You’re actually here,” you breathed, still trying to wrap your head around it.

“I’m here,” he murmured, his thumb brushing softly over your cheek. “I told you I couldn’t wait anymore.”

And then, before either of you could second-guess it, he leaned in and kissed you.

It was soft at first, tentative, like neither of you were sure how to handle the moment. But when your lips met his, everything just clicked. His hands cradled your face as he kissed you, his touch gentle but firm, pulling you closer as if he needed to feel you, to know you were real.

The kiss was everything you had imagined and more—sweet, slow, a little awkward in the best way possible. You could feel the butterflies in your stomach flutter wildly as his lips moved softly against yours, your heart pounding in your chest. It was a kiss that felt like the culmination of months of waiting, of longing, of wanting something more than just a screen between you.

When you finally pulled away, both of you were breathless, his forehead resting against yours as you both tried to catch your breath. His eyes were soft, his lips still curled into that small, shy smile you adored.

“That was… better than I thought it’d be,” he whispered, his voice low and a little shaky, like he was just as overwhelmed as you were.

You laughed softly, your fingers still tangled in the fabric of his jacket. “Same.”

He laughed too, the sound light and warm, and suddenly, the nervousness that had been hanging between you disappeared. You felt at ease with him, like you had always known you would.

“So,” you asked, smiling up at him, “how long are you staying?”

“As long as you’ll have me,” he said with a grin, his arms tightening around your waist. “I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.”

“Good,” you whispered, leaning up to kiss him again, “because I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

And as you stood there, wrapped up in each other, everything felt right. The distance didn’t matter anymore. It was just you and Pau, together at last, and you knew this was only the beginning of something incredible.

[lettersfromverabookreview]

The Percy Jackson Saga

What a saga! I´ve still yet to finish it (while writing this, but i´ll post it when I finish it), but it´s SO fun, such a light read.

My history with Percy Jackson series has MANY comes and goes and it intercepts with many characters of my life that definitely not align with the Percy Jackson books at ALL. Seriously, If by any chance you´re a pre-teen reading this and you seem to be a bully who reads percy jackson, why do you think percy has SUCH a bad time in the school?? Anyway, getting over the personal comment….

I was mainly attracted to it because the series has come out (watch it !! its definitely interesting) but the nostalgia has come back with a kick and I definitely relate to little Percy, Annabeth and Grover (none of them would love me calling them little, but they are kids!!! Give them a SECOND of peace please), a little misunderstood, a little lost, not only when I was a teenager, but now on my 20s I can def relate (in a sense) to this lost feeling.

I doubt it ever goes away, Hell (or Hades?), Its difficult even to the gods what is happening in the books!! Everyone has to make tough decisions every once in a while, sometimes is whether to have the literal sky to help the goddess Artemis to fight Atlas, sometimes is leaving a job!

And I definitely relate to the strand of white hair after going trough the stress. And yes, everyone has a difficult choice and sometimes some are tougher than others, (like cmon… my job change example its what Ive been going through but Im guessing that maybe having the sky on your back may be a lil more difficult) but difficult choices are difficult choices, and these books have helped me, at least, to get anxious over whether Percy was going to be able to save his mom, instead of me getting anxious of my life choices.

I´m sure that anybody reading this may be going through a tough time (I mean, not to wish that upon you, and if you say “nah thanks i´m good, having the best time of my life” great for you!!) and i definitely believe that these books may seem focused for children, and yes, the repetition of what happened the last books that appears in every book after the first one, it sure is annoying, but overall its a huge break for the brain! Its a nice reading, a nostalgic one, and a hug to the heart.

A good reminder that good friends are worth lifting the sky and more, that families may not be what we always expect, that blue food is DOPE, that what we see may not always be what it truly is, that friends are not always what they seem to be, and that enemies (or people who we are taught are “enemies”) may not always be enemies.

[Finally, as a last comment since I´ve finished reading now] Sometimes it is not only good but necessary to go back to your child-self. To embrace new experiences with the forgiveness of a mother, the strength of an adult, but also for the inner ability of a kid that's learning how to walk, to stand immediately back up and continue trying. Embrace your strength but also your weaknesses, continue always learning, get around people you would sacrifice yourself for. Remember that its good and also essential to rest (sometimes on a lost island surrounded by the daughter of Kronos that's actually good and leaves you with a bunch of questions), and never forget to get back home (or at give out a sign when you're well so that everyone around you knows that you´re fine, turning the light blue of the Empire State can be an example).

If you´re going through high school, read this.

If you´re a lil lost, read this.

If you´re pretty sure you may be a lost child to a Greek god, yeah sure, but also read this.

If you wanna learn more about greek myths! I mean they are not super explained sometimes, but they sure deserve a good google search afterwards, which is good brain food!

If you really like sloooooow burn romances, yeah maybe you may like this (super far from the actual trama of the story but its so TRUE how long Percy takes to realize y´know…the thing)

If you like cute Cyclops, who are NOT murder machines, read this!!

And you must definitely read this if you like the water!! -Vera

[hockybish]

Updated 6/2

a list of ideas ive had for a while, and can't stop thinking about, but having a hard time writing write now so they aren't going anywhere.

luke and team chef. luke eats a lot. and he's pretty sure the food that the team gets at the facility has to be some of the best he's ever eat. he doesn't really think anything of who makes, just that it's amazing and he always has enough to eat, sometimes he takes extra home for later. one day he sees a girl putting out the spread or maybe refilling empty containers, or something like that. the girl happens to be the head chef. he's a bit taken a back, because this pretty girl is the one making a good chunk of this good food. luke's really nervous. he wanted to complement her cooking and possibly ask her out. he's blinded by her beauty and instead asks her to teach him how to cook. **someone recently wrote something about reader cooking for luke, so this will return to the back burner.

matt boldy with pwhl mn player. this could be cute. she is the sister of a friend/current or former teammate. i don't have much on this one other than for college she plays either in minnesota or boston, she will be picked number one overall and play for pwhl mn and will go on to win the walter cup at the end of their season. thats all i have so far.

i can't forget about the runaway jack, who has a secret family and runs a small town rink. jack ran away because of the pressure and he took the waitress from the small diner he frequents with him. they fall in love. and have babies and his family. the rest of his friends and family have no idea what happened to him, but they do know hes alive and well. he stays away for years until he almost looses his girl (now wife) and their youngest son (they have three). also trevor finds the girl on insta and tries to reach (thats how the reuniting starts). and jack uses his money to buy and fix up the run down rink in the town where he and girl land and funny enough his old friends have brought their kids to said rink for tournaments and things only thing was jack was never there so they essentially missed him. *i have a big chunk of this written i should finish it **i could post a sneak peak or something and see if ya'll like it

i want to do something with matt rempe. i swore i was going to resist wanting to write for him but damn pinterest convinced me otherwise. i was thinking something with multiple babies. not twins. maybe triplets or quadruplets. names would be steel stella and scout.

Marli plays for the minnesota wild. She’s a bit on the quiet side and introverted but found a family with them where she is comfortable. One game when she’s halfway to a hat trick she gets pulled halfway through only to find that she has been traded to New Jersey. She’s met with open arms when she gets there but she builds a wall not wanting to get close to anyone. Nico is the first to break through the barrier and the rest are soon to follow. And she finds another family in New Jersey.

Trevor and Hughes!sister are best friends and look out for each other. Trevor knows how much she struggles with her mental health. One day she doesn’t show up for school and it doesn’t seem like Jack cares. During lunch he goes and checks on her. He finds the door to room is locked and he fears for the worst. Once he gets into her room he either finds her unconscious needing medical attention or she’s just really sick and opted to skip school without telling anyone. (If you saw any of this idea no you didn’t)

Jack’s childhood best friend Poppy has cancer and has been sick like for forever. This would be a story of their relationship from childhood to high school to the nhl to her death and what happens after her death and how he honors her.

this is an on going list and will be updated as necessary. we'll see if anything comes of it.

[lavenderthe8]

haikyuu!! edm artists

i go to a lot of raves and this is an idea ive been poking at for awhile so enjoy xx

sugawara

melodic bass

think: seven lions, trivecta

literally the sweetest DJ everrrrr

when he plays festivals, he never goes to the fan meet and greets

likes to walk around instead and meet his fans face to face (and he never wants them to pay money to see him)

is always fighting with the ticket companies to lower the ticket prices for his fans

also, is an avid kandi kid

literally was making full on rotating cuffs at like age twelve

he loves to collab with other artists, although he just can’t get behind hardstyle or dnb

he went to a warehouse rave like one time when he was in university, and just never went back again (it scared him a little bit)

yamaguchi actually sings a lot of the vocals for his songs, too

and of course, anyone that went to karasuno gets free tickets for lifeeeee

and ofc hinata always shows up to a few of suga’s shows, usually four or five a year

makki (and mattsun)

trap

think: troyboi, alison wonderland

literally just started remixing songs together in high school for the parties that oikawa would throw and it kinda just spiraled from there

started to just fuck around and do his own thing, and after awhile he stopped remixing and just started to make his own beats

actually stopped it for a long time after he graduated high school

kinda forgot about it before he heard that kyoutani had become pretty famous off his edm music

so he decided to go back and start playing around with it again

started releasing his songs, and eventually he got to open at a super small show near him

just like blew up after that

mattsun (and makki)

hardstyle

think: gammer, headhunterz

same thing with makki, DJing was not really at the top of his priority list, like, ever

he played around with makki’s mixer a lot when they were in school together, but he never really gave it much thought

makki was crashing at his place for a bit, and he mentioned that he was playing a show near them, so mattsun decided to tag along

literally fucking FELL in love with makki’s set, and immediately wanted to learn how to make songs too

they worked at it for awhile, and eventually mattsun found a type of edm that he really enjoyed making

started collabing almost immediately after, and got like a massive amount of fans really quickly

also, their visuals are like so silly

(lots of shrek and whatever stupid shit that’s been viral that week)

kyoutani also refuses to play shows with them because makki and mattsun have so many bad pictures of him from high school that they use on their merch and promotion videos and stuff

kyoutani

dubstep (duh)

think: subtronics, wooli

come on, you know this boy loves dubstep

as far as headbangers go, kyoutani gets whiplash at literally every show he goes to

super into edm growing up, and he always knew that he wanted to be a DJ

he bought himself a cheap starter kit in high school and from then on his career was pretty much set in stone

pretty bad at promoting himself, most of his social media literally was just him pointing at the camera and bopping his head along to one of his own tracks

but he DOES have a really big following

mostly because people would fall in love with him when they saw him playing a set (can you blame them?)

picks up A LOT of girls because of it

also, oikawa never lets him live it down, but kyoutani doessss have to give him credit for his DJ name lol

really wants to collab with kenma one day (it’s in the works, don’t worry)

and no comment on the makki and mattsun merch, although he does buy a new shirt every time they drop one with his face on it

tendou

techno

think: space 92, hi-lo

tendou was going to underground raves since he started high school idcidc

the music helped him focus soooo much, he would literally listen to it when he was studying

he even used it to fall asleep sometimes

after graduation when semi joined his band, tendou would tag along to the studio with him

eventuallyyyy he learned how to produce rock music, and then he started making his own beats

he also doesn’t really take inspiration from other artists, which is cool

just hears the track in his head and BOOM — he makes it into a song

doesn’t really have a following, he just plays when and where he can

but people love his energy, so he always has a good sized crowd watching him

atsumu

bass house

think: space laces, ac slater

experimented with a lot of different sounds before he finally found something that fit

eventually though, he fell in love with the dancing more than he did the actual music

he would go to shows to try and find inspo and would end up watching the ravers more than he would the actual DJ’s

eventually learned how to rave shuffle, and that’s when he realized that bass house was his calling

when he was playing a set and looked out to the crowd, it made him sooooo happy to see people dancing to his music

is also the type of DJ to call out 1… 2… 1, 2, 3, 4 before every fucking drop

it made osamu so mad when they were playing a show together

he also only listens to house music, even on his off days

so when he can’t find any new music to listen to, he just makes his own

has a really big following, but definitely wants to push himself and start headlining at festivals one day

suna

drum and bass

think: subsonic, noisia

prettiest DJ award goes to suna

he just knows exactly how to read the crowd

is very good at knowing the vibe and matching what the crowd wants

also, is just very beautiful

but his sets are always, like, super weird

lots of really experimental sounds and his visuals are like… scary? in a way

so his music definitely isn’t for everyone

has more of a cult following than anything, but he doesn’t care much about being in the spotlight

he plays edm because HE likes it, he could give a fuck what anyone else thinks

is also never seen without a beanie on

it’s sort of a game to his fans — “take a picture of suna without his fucking hat on”

(they never can)

osamu

midtempo bass

think: rezz, kloud

doesn’t have flashy visuals or lasers or anything like that

gets criticized a lot because some people say that his shows are “boring”

but his true fans know that’s not true

osamu is there to play music! he isn’t there to put on a light show

has a really big group of fans that are ride or die for him — a lot of them say that if you’ve never been to one of his sets, you’re not a real raver

sort of a staple DJ in the “sober rave” community

is super supportive of his fans, and he even has a link on his website for people to send in their own personal stories about what it’s like to be a sober raver

also HATES to collab with other people that he doesn’t know, it’s hard for him to understand their vision

which is why he usually only collabs with atsumu

also, is known for not saying a word during his shows

he walks on, plays some music, and walks off (and people love him for it)

kenma

progressive house

think: acivii, zedd

biggest DJ of his generation

like, let me just make it clear, kenma is very very famous

he doesn’t really care about the spotlight though

he just loves to play music

doesn’t interact with his fans much, kuroo runs all of his social media because he knows that kenma gets overwhelmed a lot with stuff like that

for the most part though, his fans are super respectful

kenma headlines at the same festivals every year, and he consistently sells out shows at massive venues

feels truly happy when he is DJing

one of his fans sent him a pair of cat ears that they made, and kenma wears them to almost every show he plays

has never actually been to a rave himself

takes a lot of inspiration from very early edm artists

just makes people really happy with his music

honorable mentions

akaashi

designs all of kenma’s merch

usually never attends the shows, he and kenma just have a sort of working relationship where kenma vaguely describes what he wants, and akaashi fulfills his request

does sit through every video that bokuto shows him after a rave, though

he also doesn’t have any social media for himself, he created an account literally to promote kenma

also, says he hates edm, but kenma is his number one spotify artist every year??

bokuto sees through his lies (and is taking him to a rave in a few months)

akaashi says that he isn’t excited (but he actually really is)

kiyoomi

atsumu’s manager

is so good about keeping him on track with scheduling and stuff

“omi, can we go get ice cream?” — “no, atsumu, sound check is in ten minutes.”

is sooooo good about keeping atsumu hydrated

this boy does not drink water, like ever

so omi has literally stopped his set before only to make atsumu down a bottle of water

atsumu ALWAYS dedicates his sets to kiyoomi

and kiyoomi secretly loves him for it

iwaizumi and oikawa

complete rave baes

oikawa’s entire social media presence is: volleyball, volleyball, rave, rave, rave, iwaizumi, iwaizumi at a rave, volleyball

it was actually iwaizumi’s idea to wear matching shoes to their first ever rave

the tradition never stopped

iwaizumi will complain that oikawa takes too many pictures of them during shows but he will also post every single picture of them together

one of oikawa’s “essential” items at a rave is a custom pashmina he had made with a picture of kyoutani sleeping

(they love to torture this poor boy)

will be rave dad’s one day — it’s cannon

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[definitelynotshouting]

HEY KING, ITS BEEN A HOT MINUTE

Been super busy with school (my grades are SUFFERING) plus studying for the ACT, PLUS trying to figure out what i want to do with my life so thats.... fun :)

Logged on to Tumblr to discover the prequel oneshot hungerau thing and ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH! keep at it dude, we're all cheering you on <3

-🐛

Hey bug anon!!! :D

Oh my gosh that sounds like so much on your plate dude 😭😭😭😭 GODSPEED BRAVE SOLDIER I AM ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!!! also im so glad you liked the oneshot!!! I worked really hard on it and i am treasuring every comment 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Also im hoping you dont mind a bit of unsolicited reassurance, but your comment about figuring out your life really vividly reminded me of when i was in high school trying to figure out college and my career and life in general, and just. Couldnt come up with anything. And i still remember how fuckoff scary that felt, so i just wanna reassure you, as someone who is a few years shy of 30 and never even ended up going to college, from the bottom of my heart you do not have to figure things out for yourself yet. I know there is so so much pressure surrounding that concept, but your life and priorities can drastically change as you grow. Sometimes you dont settle into what you want to do until you're far older, and thats okay!!! In fact thats genuinely the norm-- i didnt know i wanted to be a professional editor until about 6 years ago. And in the future i might decide i want to do something else, too, and pursue that instead!!

You never have to settle on One Path for yourself. Things change, people change, and everything is in constant fluid motion. Its okay not to know what you want out of your life-- genuinely, at this point in time youve barely even lived it. Ive barely lived mine-- im only just now hitting a point where i can really think about the longterm and put down lasting roots. Give yourself the space to figure it out organically, and i promise you as someone who has gone through this exact same thing, it will ultimately turn out okay❤️❤️❤️❤️ its a big learning curve, but you arent alone, and there are countless people out there who will be willing to help you as you go along :]

[batemanofficial]

time for everybody's favorite game: jaime waxes poetic about whether or not im transgender

so im less concerned with labels now that im a little older than i have been in the past but this shit is so confusing dawg. i always say that if i had been born ten years later i would have transitioned because i spent the first six or so years of my life believing wholeheartedly that i was a boy. but i eventually just kind of had to cave to the expectations that were set for me (interpersonally, at church, within my family, etc), and had a very very hardcore "not like other girls" phase to cope with that. when i got to high school i kinda gave that up and got really into makeup and fashion to try to make femininity "my own," and i still enjoy both of those things today but it's always felt very costume-y to me. like i don't wear makeup to feel like a "better version of myself" (to use substance parlance), i wear it to play dress up. to be something that *isnt* me. its me but its not. its caricature. its pastiche. i very rarely dress up in a way that isn't some kind of like. reference or something. maybe that's not the right word but my outward appearance is very intentionally constructed and not necessarily representative of the consciousness inside. dgmw dressing eclectically is very much a part of my personality and something that i enjoy doing, but it's performance at the end of the day.

but to switch gears a little i don't know if i want to be a man per se either. like ive never felt like a woman but idk about calling myself a man either. like my lesbianism is a huge part of my identity and i don't want to give that up for the sake of ideological cohesiveness. hang on sorry i just realized im describing the plot of stone butch blues. carry on.

but anyway i definitely want the respect that men are afforded both just in general and within my industry specifically (being a woman in a professional kitchen sucksssssss sometimes) but on the flip side would that be worth all the fuss? and idk about testosterone and all that bc i don't want to deal with the side effects quite honestly. but at the same time i hate being looked at as a "woman" and ogled and harassed and all that jazz. if i had it my way i'd be 6'2 and have no tits but alas i am on the surface a conventionally attractive skinny white woman. and i hate that. it disgusts me like genuinely. i know that makes me sound like a total cunt and like im fishing for compliments but im not. maybe im just too substance pilled but i feel like meat when im reminded of what i look like.

i think part of the disconnect im feeling comes from the fact that im intersex (turner syndrome nation rise) and i have all the indicators of womanhood but still other things about my body that point the other way. and identifying as nonbinary feels the most coherent to me but it just comes with so much societal baggage that it's just not worth it to me. like i HATE being they/themmed bc it feels like a pc way to say "what the fuck are you" and "you're just a girl who wants to be quirky." and obv i don't believe those things abt nonbinary people but i feel like that's what the current sentiment is from most people on the street.

ughhhhh anyway. i saw this image and it really made me think. like this is objectively silly but this is exactly how i feel.

but anyway it's 1:15 in the morning and my phone's about to die so i should go to bed BUT if you have any words of wisdom please feel free to share because i am in truth extremely jealous of the self actualization my trans friends and those on hrt have bc i am a pussy who hates going to the doctor and can't get out of their own head enough to decide if they even want that. but i think i might. if you read this far im sorry for the word vomit but thank you for reading anyway. mwah y buenas noches

[worldwright]

Good evening !

Today was a great day -as in I went for one hour to my university, one hour with my classmates and russian prof (of russian). I was shacking in anxiety -and I couldn't find my meds for this EVEN IF I PACKED THEM URGH

BUT BUT BUT, it was nice to be back and speaking and writing in russian. That said, finishing Yuri On Ice today was funny x) Oh do they love throwing little words in russian (and wtf, why is there a french guy speaking in the last episode ? i just fucking laughed at that, it was sooooo robotic of him to talk like this omg) and I will NEVER say that my accent is good, it's very french, but oh man. Their accents were funny - it's fine, russian isn't from the same linguistic group as japanese, like, at all. But for me, someone who sees on a weekly basis russians (and sometimes ukrainians, or my (half ?) serb classmate and my half-slovenian classmate -they're the ones with the best accent by far for quite obvious reasons, and apparently my (half ?) chechen classmate is good, but I never really hear him talk so. iirc ive already told you about how my region -and by extension my town- has a good amount of slavic/slavic descendant people and yes i know chechens are caucasian, not slavic but it's because of the (directly or indirectly) USSR that slavic people are here -before or after it. anyway, that's france for ya), it's extremely funny

BUT OMG I UNDERSTAND BETTER WHY PEOPLE WENT CRAZY OVER YURI ON ICE

AND OH THE JJK EPISODE OF YESTERDAY. OOOOOOOOOH I LOVED IT SO MUCH AAAAAAAAAH

Have a great morning my friend !

THE EPISODE OMFG. I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE TO CATCH MY BREATH WTFFFFFFFFF

my partner was like "lol megumi is for sure not gonna have lasting trauma from thissss :)" and Yes For Sure but First !!! he actually has to figure out who the Fuck that guy even Was LMAO. I think he suspected something from the way he ran over to the body....... but lol We Don't Have Time To Unpack All That 👍

also it was SO MEANNNNN of them to end the episode where they did like Bruh !!!!! Let Us See The Goddamn Summoning Ritual

I mean I know we will next week but . come onnnnnnnn

language classes sound fun!! at least if it's a language ur actually excited about learning lol, my high school Spanish classes were just kinda a drag and I wish every day that I'd taken Japanese...

and yea it's so fun to hear a language in a show that you know and the actors clearly don't 😂 like I know they don't have time to properly learn an entirely new language for a few sentences but sometimes I simply do not process those words as English, man... in the show Firefly they were speaking cowboy English with all the cussing in Mandarin 🥰 my partner said it was very amusing to hear lol

I think I actually have a free weekend??? what am I gonna do with myself.......... I've got some chores to do but after that..... maybe I'll hop on a random bus and see where I get

have a wonderful Friday, friend!!

[prettybutter-flyy]

so I'm in what i am calling my cacoon era.

The fact is i have a terrible habit of saying im going to do things to my friends and family and then just not doing it. A couple months ago i realized im only really letting myself down, bc they dont even expect me to do what i say anymore. In fact, i dont even think my loved ones really respect me, but thats a story for another time.

I was just getting so frustrated that my loved ones didnt really take me seriously and wouldnt come through for me but then i realized, i dont even do that shit for myself!

And this is not to say that i dont DESERVE my lov3d ones to show they care or prioritize me or whatever, i absolutely do. If you are someones irl moot, you should show you care about them and prioritize them sometimes.

My point is How can i be mad when others dont come through for me or make me a priority when i dont even prioritize myself?

I am not physically healthy, i eat like shit, im fat, o feel sluggish and weighed down and i dont like it. Dont get me wrong, im cute but i *feel* like shit.

I don't stand up for myself and i invalidate my feelings and thoughts constantly, always looking to others and social media for opinions.

I am not where i want to be financially. But thats just bc I got myself into like 8k debt when i was without a job a couple months ago.

Socially, i feel like im at the bottom of my friend group if I'm being 100% honest. They dont treat me poorly, but i can tell they think im stupid. Maybe we just have too much history, we have been friends since high school, so... and then it doesnt help that im the only single friend, and I'm happy for them genuinely, but the dynamics just change when friends get into relationships. I have 4 hs friends I see semi regularly, 2 of them are married and 2 have serious bfs. They hang out as couples and give me relationship advice and the married ones are getting ready to buy a house and maybe have kids. They're just in different stages of life man, and it peer pressures me into wanting that but im honestly not even sure if i do.

And professionally... idk im doing okay professionally. Im working at a news station as a show producer and my passion has always been film, writing and creating stuff. Its not an exact match but its okay for now and its sustainable and if I can play my networking hands right, i could move to where i want to be (a film firector). My issue here is i have the whole day to do this stuff (write, film, create, practice my art) and i just dont. Idk the mental blocks holding me back, is it my laziness or learned helplessness or what, but i just dont do things that i am passionate about.

All around, i am not where i want to be.

But I moved into my apartment in july, and thats a crazy story in itself but i am an hour away from my closest family (30-40 if i tale tolls). I didnt want to move so far away but recently, ive been getting signs that this was a good move for me. I need to isolate myself to make these changes: no going out to save money; instead workout, get my body how i want; practice making new friends, new SINGLE friends.

Ive slightly failed bc ive been talking to this guy for the last couple weeks but nothing is official and theres no reason it needs to be just yet. I want to get with at least one girl before i settle down with anyone.

My point is, i want to take the rest of my lease in this apartment as a chance to radically repair my life. To sprout my wings and become the butterfly that i feel like on the inside, and let that show on the outside. I deserve so much more than what ive given myself. If i were in a relationship w myself, i would have broken up with that bum ass bitch years ago.

So in my Cacoon era, im isolating myself, trying to make the changes internally and virtually alone, bc I will not have support from family and friends because i have said i was going to get my shit together so many times (and not done it) at this point, i imagine no one believes me. Im chrysalizing myself from a beautiful catipillar to emerge a beautiful butterfly - and I have to do the internal work as well, bc I could lose the weight and still be in a bad financial situation (how will i go on dates!) Or start hating myself and develop an ed (i don't now but i have addictive tendencies) or make shitty new friends who treat me worse than my hs friends (who i want to reiterate, havent really harmed me, just dont respect me). I cant just fix one aspect, they all tie in together, they're all a part of me and what makes me happy and if one of those things is off, i will still be as miserable as i am now.

My cacoon is meant to be protection from the outside, and an incubator for a new me.

So these are the things i want to change, im on a new platform where no one knows me and i have a lil freedom to explore and vent and whatever i want because this is my blog and i deserve it.

I deserve to do the things that i like. I deserve to look how i feel, i deserve friends that take me seriously, I deserve relationships that serve me and to be with someone im crazy about when the time is right. And you do too.

Please join me on this journey. Im begging, one thing i really need right now is a(n anonymous) community of ppl wanting to better themselves just like me, encouragement and maybe tips. An external force to be held accountable to.

Typically, i would ask what your thoughts are, but I don't really care, just follow my journey and tell me abt yours :)

[lushlagoon]

091424

in bed listening to the same music i did during covid, samia and indigo de Souza and haley blais and Phoebe. I can close my eyes and pretended it's covid. im in my kitchen baking and listening to samias fit n full, I am a senior in high school, im driving to the salad place in cool springs or the otaku ramen in west Nashville to pick up food and just get out of the house with my dad, it is winter. I think I will go look at pictures of that now.

ive done a pretty good job of documenting a lot of my life. in high school I had a few apps of diaries and video diaries, first couple years of college I had a sporadic diary and committed to constantly posting on my finsta story, now I have this page. im not ready to look back at things yet. I can't handle it. but there's lots to look back at.

I remember the night my grandma fell during covid, it was scary and ambulances came to the house. I saw her being wheeled off and was worried that was the last time I would see her. I cried in my parents room trying to hold my dog back but she jumped out of my arms, I could never do anything right like anyone else.

its weird that for years my grandmas health was so bad. now shes fine, and my grandpa is the sick one. hes kind of there in his head, hes kind of not. shes risen to the occasion to be there for him, I wish I didnt have covid right now and could spend time with them. im trapped in my room but its ok, music is good and I like typing, its raining and its saturday. its only 11am somehow, im jet lagged and sick so my sleep is both fucked and perfect.

saturday means nothing to me. I am graduated and unemployed as of 2 days ago. I just got my final grades back for all of college. I will have my diploma soon. my dad cried when I was in line to graduate. he couldn't talk. I love him so much, he tried to book a restaurant while we were in Paris that inspired ratatouille but it was raining and we were supposed to sit on a patio. hes way cooler than me. ive been applying to jobs but its tiring and ive been getting nothing good in return.

I used to be annoyed by a lot of my friends. now im not. I think I might be the annoying one. it's better to be the annoying one than be annoyed, but It feels like middle school in my head again sometimes. im so quiet I think, how could I be annoying.

about a month before covid hit, I went to a king princess concert with a few of my friends and my future girlfriend. I had a huge crush on her and that concert felt magical, I had so much fun. my room was set up differently, with my bed against the wall. the room felt bigger. I remember thinking "this makes me so happy, I need to just go to as many concerts as I can". I had had my license for a month, drove my blue bmw, and was trying to get a first job. When covid first hit, I decorated my room for all my friends to come over when the virus passed. I put up photos of my friends on my wall. nobody ever came over, and I think still only like 2 friends have entered this room since covid ended. except for my 18th birthday, that was so much fun. why do we never have fun any more? it feels like my friends are settling down already, getting boring. if I think about it too much it makes me sad, all the photos of my friends on my wall for months but nobody ever saw them.

my dad said the other day 18 is far from 21. I said no it's not, because in my head im still close to 18. but im not, it's not close.

I waited until I was 21 to go to bars and didnt get a fake, so maybe I will wait until my frontal lobe develops to try mushrooms.

i always get covid at weird times, like right before im supposed to go to San Diego. I got it right before my freshman year and had to come at normal time instead of early, I felt so behind when I got there. now im getting it before what was supposed to be my 4th year. I think if everything goes to plan I won't be too sad that Im not having a 4th year.

I was looking around my room at the sign brittani made almost 3 years ago, welcome home andie. I will never be a freshman again. last night I freaked out about that but this morning I can see everything more clearly. everybody has their own experience, I had to grow out of my shell in my own time.

I dont think im good with kids and I wish I was. Im excited for Christmas as long as my nephew doesnt cry when I get him a gift.

I told my girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship that I didnt want her to be friends with one of my friends. I get jealous, like thats my friend dont take them. she didn't understand and now theyre on a trip together. I dont think it's fair that if we break up wed have to share that friend when I stated I didnt want that. and it wasnt like I could stop the friendship, they do fun things together and it was good for my friend.

ive never believed in marriage. I dont wanna talk about it more. but literally never since I was a kid have I thought I would get married. now I understand I will probably have to, but im still unsure that I want to.

im jealous of my girlfriend and her whole music thing. the parts im jealous of, she has something to document, and something for her parents to be proud of. she has a constant outlet for creativity and she has time for it. im jealous she doesnt have to work, but im out of state so, I have to compensate for the massive bills somehow. I need to apply to jobs, and she doesnt like when I talk about it because it makes her stressed. she will be fine, her familys from California.

I am already feeling nostalgic for music from less than 6 months ago. adrianne lenkers new album makes my heart ache, makes me think about the trip to norcal. it was so beautiful. I think I will have to move back to Tennessee soon, and I havent even technically left.

anything by adrianne came on and I started crying, not a sad cry but an emotional cry and it felt good. my dad brought me a cup of green tea in my favorite mug with the painting from ferris beullers day off on it, I havent really dranken green tea since high school when I was trying to lose weight. my mom just got back from a business trip. everything Is right.

I heard adrianne for the first time from Charlie freshman year. I came back to Nashville and got back together with my ex girlfriend and listened to the music with her an entire night one time. im not sure who the song reminds me of, I think more Charlie. its so serendipitous that me and my roommates ended up together.

one of my friends said they thought I was the type of person to not keep in touch with friends after I move. that hurt my feelings but now I almost think that was a dream.

[lorestory0]

aaaaaaaaaaaa

i dont know if this is too much

im too out of it to properly think

how come if i lose a lot of blood, either from injury or bug allergy (dunno why else i would lose a lot of blood) the next period is always really bad. its usually painful enough that i cant even focus on video games and just have to try to sleep through the pain. unlike most people i genuinely dont like sleeping so this level of pain really bothers me. but if i already been bleeding a lot then its even worse. is this normal? literally just... while sitting down playing my game i almost thought i peed myself but nope. dont think its ever been like that before but my bug allergy also hasnt ever been this bad before. i was dizzy laying down and i just wanna know if this is normal for periods. because i was already losing too much blood from all the bug allergy scratchings that i was hallucinating way more than usual. at least it wasnt anything scary. hallucinations caused by sick or something are often a lot funnier than the normal hallucinations i see every other time that are scary.

but now i cant go back to sleep because sleeping too much causes nightmares and sleep paralysis.

and id actually prefer a normal nightmare.

i dont even have sleep paralysis demons as far as i know. for me its just a feeling of suffocation where if i dont force myself awake i feel like im gonna die painfully.

i know im emo but for some reason i always feel really bad if i feel like im gonna die with no way for someone to find out how it happen.

idk if its because my entire life ive had problems where my curiosity gets so bad about things sometimes to the point where it feels overwhelming if theres something thats possible to know but no one will tell me. (i dont want to cause anyone pain and i know this level of curiosity isnt common but because it hurts me so bad its hard to comprehend why it doesnt hurt someone else for some reason even tho i know)

not like sensetive information or anything. they just wont tell me for other reasons like if they dont want to talk to me. or even worse is when the teacher punishes me for no reason just to tell me i already know what i did. thats the worst. and then whatever it is i will inevitably do again and get punished again. and i get more punishment for asking.

of course im afraid of people and dont like sleeping. i just wanna play my game.

but i cant sleep

cant deal with that again

suffocating is painful

my face was covered like it usually is, sleeping mask and blanket trying to not get bit by more bugs as usual. but that has nothing to do with it. if i sleep every day like a normal person i start having nightmares every single day.

actually i was covered less than usual because i finally was able to get a thin sheet that doesnt just itch. i am very heat sensetive and i like cold (which i recently found out is very unusual for a southerner) but i require blanket because bug allergy. but if its not soft it usually itches.

i have been bullied by school lunch ladies. i would stress eat a lot during high school which made me able to ignore how bad the school lunches tasted but spicy stuff hurts and i ask if there was a way they could make thing without spicy. but then they laughed at me and told me to go BACK north. i didnt even know why. no one ever told me northern people hate spicy stuff. but the thing that made it so much worse is that not only have i never been up north, but ive always wanted to because i like the cold.

its already bad that i have to deal with these awful memories of abusive teacher but also mean lunch ladies who said a thing in a way that was like they were stabbing me with words.

it doesnt snow often around here but when it does im outside for as long as the snow is. if it snows it seems to always be for at least 3 days. i afraid of the dark, of being alone, or especially being alone away from the house. i was outside ice skating on a pond way out in the pasture at midnight. my little sister was there too but, even tho she can be vicious, she isnt likely to defend me from woods monster like my twin sister is. and yet the snow and cold made me not scared.

also the little sister is not the kind of person to believe in fantasy but i found out im not completely crazy that night because she saw the red lights too and i had a moment where "ha i told you theres paranormal stuff out here"

these paranormal stuff would usually make me run back in the house.

also my balance is terrible but its weirdly good when it comes to sliding around for some reason. i could be a professional ice skater or something. i think those exist.

but the last time it snowed i was so sick i couldnt move and i was depressed about it for several weeks i really like snow

i tried to go out anyway but by the time i reached the door i was already feeling like i was gonna pass out. and being sick also made me weaker to the cold so this was right after i got dressed too. had to take all that off while being in that much pain but the pain of not getting to go out in the snow was so much worse.

i cant sleep but im going to play skyrim. with my imagination i dont have to be rich to play in vr. thats fun.

i dont even have to be myself. i can be whatever anime person i want to be.

also does anyone else just really hate being themselfs in dreams? whenever im myself in dreams, i get the same problems i have irl but exxagerated greatly. abusive teacher becomes actual murderer.

when im anime person or something i dont have to deal with pain. but thats rare. im myself too much.

was talking about superman with my mom i think and she ask me if i had a super power what it would be. i said shapeshifting. she ask what i would turn into and i said "whatever i want"

oh yeah on the subject of superman, my moms car smells so bad i get physically sick just going near it for a second. the last time i had to ride it i had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses. i dont have glasses anymore, but instead of the usual clumsy mistake this time they kept getting broken by faulty glasses cleaners and i just have to not see. but anyway this was around the time my sister kept wanting me to watch some "superman anime" and i finally agreed. but i was so sick that i called it sman and weve both called it sman ever since.

other than episode 7 my favorite part of that show was my own commentary bercause i like making my sister laugh. and i guess my commentary was really funny.

if anyone wondering why episode 7 was the only part i dont find boring its because theres a cat. its a really great cat.

[rharyx]

Follow up to this post, where I started cataloging my Final Fantasy journey.

Crisis Core I watched a playthrough back in high school cuz I thought Zack was cool as shit and I loved the theme music, but I never actually played it. But since I finally played 7, I knew I had to follow it up with this, and I went with the Reunion remake since I heard the combat is a lot better. Which I guess it is? I can't compare it to the original since I never played it, but the combat here was real fun and snappy -- I spent hours just doing side missions. And of course the story was as good as I remember it. Only downside is Zack's new actor is nowhere near as good as his original, and that really brings it down a tad. But it still doesn't kick Zack out of my "Top 5 FF characters" list. Also, I always liked Genesis, which I guess a lot of people don't? But I think he's just so funny. Like he actually stops his mission to kill Hojo or whatever to info-dump Loveless lore on everyone in the room. Dude's so weird, I hope he's in the remake trilogy. I think a 8/10 is fair.

Final Fantasy IV Took me a bit to finish this one since stuff got in the way. Not really much to say about this one, though, I guess. The story was good, and some areas and events were cool (like the giant robot thing), with lots of characters who show up and do their thing then leave. Cecil is pretty cool, Kain sure is a guy, and I like Rydia a decent amount. Love how that dude Edge is just straight up called Edge though lmao -- I imagined him having a sort of Johnny Bravo/Might Guy voice, which really elevated his character in my head. But otherwise, the whole game was a pretty standard affair. I kinda thought the vehicle stuff was pretty interesting -- like how you had to use the hoverboat, to get to the ship, to get to the better ship, etc. That was neat in its own way. Fuck the final boss, though, that shit felt unfair. 6/10, I guess? Definitely the mainline FF I've been least into so far, but it's still nowhere a "bad" game.

Final Fantasy XII I heard this was one divisive, but I don't see how? Like, this was really good. I did hear the original release was pretty bad compared to the Zodiac version I was playing, which made me think...... Between 12's initial release, 14's initial release, and 15's initial release...is 16 the first mainline game in over a decade that came out completely fine without needing an overhauled re-release or oodles of DLC to smooth things over in some way?? (I haven't played 13 yet, so that may have been fine upon release.) Anyway, to speak of the game itself, the License Board and Gambit System was really interesting and I kinda hope they bring it back in some way in the future, cuz I love tedious grindy stuff like that where you slowly fill up an ability grid (reminded me of the Sphere Grid, kinda). And the story -- while sometimes feeling really overwhelming with the amount of terms and names I had to memorize -- was well structured and I like how everyone's stories wrapped up by the end. Vaan is truly not a protagonist though, is he? lol. If anything, Ashe was the main character of this story, which I did kinda fuck with, even if she's not one of my favorite characters from the game. Also, I loved how many areas and differing locales we went to on the journey. I wasn't expecting such an array of distinct and visually engaging locations. One thing, though...why did half the voice over audio sound like it was being recorded through a soup can? It was so weirdly mixed. Like, you get used to it, but what happened?? Anyway, as a FF14 fan I though it was neat to see where all the Ivalice inspiration came from, and overall the game was really enjoyable to play. I've definitely not scratched the surface when it comes to the optional content, like Espers or whatever, but idk if I'll ever have the time to complete all that anyway. But for the main game itself, definitely a solid 8/10. Maybe even an 8.5.

Not sure what to do next, maybe try V once it goes on sale. Or probably just jump into Remake and Rebirth.

[boowhumps]

12 Days of Whumpmas

※ Day IV | Memories/Flashbacks ※

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※ TW ※

- Swearing

- Mentions of PTSD Attack

- Mentions of SA

- Mentions of Self-Harm/Suicide

Enjoy!

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Life was constant repetitions, Karyme knew that.

For a long time, she hated it. It was suffocating, reliving the same day every day.

It was easy to lose track of time when everything was the same.

Now, Karyme was older, and it wasn't so bad anymore. Sure, things got to her sometimes, but she had learned to control herself.

Or so she thought.

Karyme was 22 now, and she finally felt as if things were getting better for her.

Ever since moving in with Kaiden, Karyme learned many things about how differently each of them were raised.

Kaiden acted compassionately, always knowing what to say, what to do, and when he should do it.

Kaiden always referred to himself as some sort of caretaker, which Karyme hated. She didn't like the idea of being like a child in their relationship, she preferred to be equal to Kaiden, although she wasn't anywhere near as loving as Kaiden was.

Karyme wasn't good with words, or actions really. She was quiet, reserved, and the only way for her to show her love was to spend time with Kaiden.

And so she did that often.

Like how they were right now.

Karyme and Kaiden laid together of their bed, Kaiden absentmindedly running his hands up and down Karyme's legs.

Karyme rested her head on Kaiden's chest, like she always did when they laid together.

Neither of them said anything, and that was how it always went.

They liked it that way.

Karyme slowly closed her eyes, taking in the calm and quiet.

Everything was good.

Everything was just fine.

...

..until Karyme messed up.

Thanks to the high temperatures in Novia, keeping cool was a priority, one that even Karyme took seriously.

So, wearing shorts was a no-brainer, but that became an issue when Kaiden's hand wandered too far up..

Now, there was two things that Karyme didn't talk about, ever.

One, her ex-boyfriend.

And two, her time in Kilian Seminary School.

And now it seemed as if Kaiden was about to find out why she didn't talk about those things.

Kaiden doesn't register his hand on Karyme's thigh until a few seconds afterwards, and then he freezes up.

He slowly moves his hand a bit, feeling the rigid scars on her thighs, hidden just a bit above her shorts.

Now, Kaiden considered himself a man of many words, but all his words did in that moment were die on his tongue.

He slowly takes a deep breath, and starts to speak.

"Hun..?" He starts. "Hey.. i- look, I think we need to talk-"

He stops, looking at Karyme. Her body is still, and her eyes stayed focused away from him.

"..karyme..?" Kaiden asks softly.

There's no response, and it doesn't take an expert to realize that she's completely shut down.

Kaiden sits up, and slowly starts to speak again.

"Karyme..?" Kaiden asks. "I need you to listen to me.. closely.."

He sighs, holding her hands.

"..easy.. take your time to come back.." He tells her softly, squeezing her hands.

__

Numbness.

That was how she usually felt after an episode of disassociation.

An empty feeling.

She said nothing as she laid in Kaiden's arms, feeling completely tuckered out.

"..it's not your fault.." Karyme whispers.

Kaiden raises an eyebrow. "..what.?"

"..you didn't mean to.. trigger me.." Karyme says softly.

"Doesn't make it okay, hun.." Kaiden replies.

"I should've told you.." Karyme says.

"No hun.. we talk when you're ready.." Kaiden tells her.

Karyme slowly nods. "Okay.."

They both stay silent for a moment, and Kaiden sighs.

"I think we should make another therapist appointment.." He starts. "..maybe that way it would be easier for you to.. talk about things.."

Karyme shrugs. "..im scared.."

"Scared how?" Kaiden asks.

"..if I say.. what happened.." Karyme starts. "It might change things.."

"Between.. us.?" Kaiden asks.

Karyme slowly nods.

"Look.." Kaiden starts. "No matter what happened.. or what you went through.." He takes a deep breath. "It won't change how much I care about you, or how much I love you."

Karyme slow nods again. "..okay.."

Kaiden smiles. "Atta girl.. we can talk more tomorrow, yeah?" He pulls her in closer. "We'll see what the best option is, and I'll be with you during every step, okay.?"

Karyme hums in acknowledgement.

And as the night trails on, Karyme goes back to repetitions.

As she first stated, they are a pain to many, especially after years of the same things.

But sometimes, Karyme is afraid.

When things change, they can trigger the very platform that holds up the contents of Karyme's life.

In that case, Karyme would prefer the constant repeats.

At least that way, she can always find herself back in loves comforting embrace, even when that same, dull life they built together drives her crazy.

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[pacifymebby]

I get what you're talking about with the detachment thing. But I've been thinking lately, maybe happiness is kinda overrated. Or rather, we put so much pressure on it, have such high expectations... No wonder it feels like you're a failure if your life doesn't look like a supercut in a film. I think also, I've read smth about brain chemistry - happiness is not a feeling, but more like an emotional state. It shows up over a long period of time, of sometimes good days, sometimes bad, but with that undercurrent of tiny joys each day. Sometimes - not always, but sometimes - all it takes is just switching your awareness to these tiny joys. And sometimes dying your hair bright pink does the trick😂

Not sure what I'm saying here, maybe I'm just sending you a virtual hug🤍

Hi lovely, thank you for sending me this!!! Yeah I guess there's a difference between happiness which is like you say a long term thing you see over time thats like a collection of little joys (which I try so hard to look for every day haha) and like, just like a content neutral/ peace which is probably what I actually feel I'm missing. Its like every time I pull myself together and start to settle down this heavy gloom sets in out of nowhere. Its kind of like when you're just walking down the street minding your own business and the wind blows and suddenly you feel really cold. Like that comes upon me out of nowhere and just stays. Like it freezes me from the inside out and I feel like I've swallowed snow and I'm full of sadness suddenly.

I think you're right though and it does generally help me to look for the little joys. And you're right too about how are we supposed to feel happy when we're comparing our life to the supercut of a film. Like lately ive been getting so sad that I'm 25 and not at all where I wanted to be by now, I feel really held back by everything. Like for real all I want (and I mean this with the whole of my heart btw no matter how unfeminist it sounds) is to have a little house that feels like home, to be married to B, to have a wee baby and like idk, be a stay at home mum. Motherhood is my main aspiration in life and if this was the 90s I'd be financially secure enough to have all that right now but because its the 2020s and there's no fcking money anywhere I can't even live with B yet and the idea of ever getting to be a stay at home mum that home schools the wains is so far fetched and unrealistic.

And yeah, running away and starting from scratch wouldn't get me that either, but my alternate dream is to be a lonely artist living a quiet and solitary life, the mystery girl in the Tesco metro, the one who drinks flasks of tea by herself on the beach and goes home and writes books. And I know when I therapise myself the only reason I turn to this alternate dream is that I have that classic low self esteem complex where I don't think I deserve my actual dream.

Anyways sorry for ranting so much. Thank you for the virtual hug. I'm hopefully getting my nose pierced this week so maybe thats the same as dying your hair pink who knows haha

<3 <3 <3