#sometimes giving up a toxic environment AND recognizing our powerlessness over something is actually the healthiest thing we can do

[babbelswoofominides]

Hello, welcome to my blog! How I tag spoilers, organized by tv shows:

- Dr. Who latest season:  #dr. who spoilers  #spoilers

- WWDITS s6:   #wwdits spoilers  #spoilers    

- Hazbin Hotel s1, Loki, Ofmd,  WWDITS s5, Percy Jackson s1: officially not tagged anymore, this is not a spoilers free blog! Blog is currently on semi-hiatus: queue is just 2 posts per day, I am not here as much as I was before, and it's for a variety of reasons (under the cut)

This blog was dedicated to fandoms: massively Good Omens, then others too, some come, some go. It's been a year since s2 of Go and the "hyper fixation" naturally subsided. Then NG was outed as a massive pos of unprecedented proportions, so that basically killed my enthusiasm for an eventual new season. Ofmd was cancelled. DBD too. HH and HB are still going and even there, the interest has lowered a lot. Shit's going on in my real life, I have a lot more things to think of and here's why I'm taking a semi pause from this blog. I have enough stress and anxiety for irl things, I can't spare enough mental energies to the Go fandom dramas right now. There's not a day where some toxic post crosses my dashboard, reminding the go fans how we suck in this or that way. I'm tired, frankly, of feeling guilty of something I have no power over. There's a whole host of toxic takes in the fandom and from the haters right now: if you partake in the GO fandom you're an apologist of NG, if you take a pause for your own mental sanity "you're putting your mental health above NG's victims" and you're a horrible person for that. However we behave, it's clear there's a vocal minority who has taken residence everywhere and are bullying and threatening fans left and right just for fun, all while claiming they're the only ones who care about what's going on with NG, while DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING themselves, except insult people some more! I've seen a more positive attitude and actual initiatives from the GO fandom than the haters, that's for sure.

So, in all this, I'm taking a well needed pause: from doom scrolling on tumblr where none of my old fandoms either exist or bring me joy anymore, from the toxicity of tumblr in general (desperate fans, NG apologists, bullies, slacktivists), from feeling powerless and like I have to do *something* about a situation where I don't go and where I have 0 chances of doing something useful. I will probably be back for the end October, when the waters will hopefully have calmed down (whether s3 gets confirmed or cancelled, shit's going to hit the fan and I'm piena rasa), and my other fandoms like WWDITS and HB will have picked up some steam.

[harahmed]

I had this dream that made me really anxious about a girl I loved in the past. It made me feel so uneasy I can’t concentrate on doing work till I write about this. I guess this can be considered the girl that got away. For people I loved either platonically or romantically in the past, I’ve always had the mind set that I care deeply for them even if I don’t talk to them anymore. That holds still holds true. In this dream, I got invited to this girl’s birthday party. It felt extremely realistic but some things didn’t line up. I don’t remember being in med school or having to move things around to go to this birthday party. It wasn’t whether or not I could go, but if I did or didn’t wanna go. I remember thinking I’m not gonna know anyone at this thing which is also unrealistic because even if I’m not friends with most of her friends I at least know some of them. I also remember feeling that I should go because I want to support her, but that’s also weird because this is a birthday party not a concert recital she’s participating in and my presence or absence probably wouldn’t have that big of an impact. While contemplating this I would just think about the time we spent in high school and college and got sooo nostalgic and happy. It makes me anxious because it felt so real. In my dream I vividly remember thinking “this is real life.” and I believed it. It felt like how it did in high school when I would just go somewhere like the park walk around and just think and reflect. It felt good. I was worried about not knowing anyone in the dream and asked one of my best friends that I made here in medical school to come with me. He’s an attractive dude. 

Fast forward to the birthday I think it was in AC or something, and the girl that invited me had friends I never knew about and I didn’t recognize anyone. Her friend group immediately fell in love with the friend I brought and I remember feeling super insecure and out of place. They made a sc group with him and would keep talking to him and I was just kinda...there. That’s more of an aside though that I wanted to mention, I felt like how I did growing up ugly as shit. Because of my trichotillomania I grew up ugly as fuck and a lot of people in say my family friend group didn’t really give me any attention and gave it all to my brother. Just thinking about it makes me feel so shitty. I remember one time specifically a really long time ago I was probably in elementary or middle school this group of girls who were either in hs or college were introduced to me and my brother. I remember when they met me they didn’t really react but when they met my brother they instantly fell in love with him. one of them exclaimed “he’s soooooo cute.” and it’s stuck with me ever since. It still bothers me. I know people aren’t perfect but it still made me feel like shit. I think that this is a big reason why I am so...idk the word. My actions and words are very loud. I really think that because a lot of people didn’t just give me attention, I started demanding it. This is actually the first time I think I’ve ever made this connection...interesting. If this disorder wasn’t an issue I would honestly be at least 2x more attractive. I am grateful for it to an extent though because it made me appreciate a lot of things that many people overlook and I think it ultimately made me a better person. The reason I believe that is because I’ve always been the type of person that can’t really empathize with someone going through something I’ve never been through. Whenever someone warned me not to do something for a specific reason I just couldn’t get it till i went through that experience (classic example is touching the stove after it’s been used.) Having this disorder gave me a lot of perspective in how powerless someone with a psychiatric disorder can feel and the types of societal pressures that can drag you down even more. This is something with such depth I would never even be able to scratch the surface of what it’s like without going through it myself. I also tend not to self reflect unless I’m going through a period of sadness or my life is relatively harder than a more peaceful period, so growing up I was always self reflecting. I made peace with the fact that I’m going to live with this disorder for the rest of my life in highschool because I felt it wasn’t worth the heart ache of “why the FUCK can’t I stop when I am trying my very best?? Am I really not good enough to over come this?” Failure was just an easier route for me and I became a lot happier after accepting it. But I think that in the long run that’s affected me negatively because this acceptance of things about myself instead of trying to change has been toxic to a lot of other aspects of my life. 

One good thing about getting older is I feel I can be a lot more open about this disorder because people aren’t as judgmental as kids. Kids don’t give a fuck lol they’ll call you fuckin weird and will make you feel like shit. Adults can be that way too, but the people in the environment are in are much more open and accepting than I would say the average person is because they’re going in the field of helping people that sometimes can’t help themselves. Another good thing about getting older is I feel I can really appreciate things a lot more than I could in the past. I have REALLY been getting into piano music and it makes me feel good. It can be so expressive and emotionally charged and beautiful and I love it. 

back to the main post. The dream ended with someone trying to steal my wallet and me and my friend getting in a fight with them over it but that isn’t really pertinent to this post. I’ve felt very uneasy though and was gonna write a post on tumblr. It felt wrong though to not tell my gf of almost three years about it.

Towards the beginning of our relationship, I realized that I did not feel the same way I did about her as I did about this other girl I dreamt about. I really think it’s because I can’t...that girl took a piece out of me that I don’t think is gonna come back. I just changed somehow after all this happened. I told my gf this and it made her understandably very upset. I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest with her because I think a relationship isn’t successful only on a set number of conditions that are satisfied but how you and your partner can work out emotionally difficult times such as this one. Well I told her about it and we kinda just both acknowledged it and moved on. It made her feel shitty and then enough time passed where I think both of us believed this wasn’t an issue anymore. I was very conflicted about telling her about this dream. She always asks me why I am okay with telling her white lies and it’s because sometimes the truth brings on stress and heartache that I feel is not worth it, so it’s easier just to lie. I could not tell whether this was one of those times and I didn’t want to tell her because I knew it would make her feel shitty and there was no real solution to this but something deep inside me just knew it was wrong to keep something like this from her. I guess it’s not lying but just not being completely honest. So I told her about it. Tbh I thought she would appreciate my honesty, and she probably does, but the conversation went just about how one would expect it to go. She told me it made her feel shitty that I still feel this way about this girl after being with her for all these years and a lot of the issues that I contribute to our relationship are in part because of that change that made me more apathetic after my relationship wit this girl. She said it was shitty because she didn’t know what to do or say about it and she hasn’t really seen much of a change in me since then with issues that revolved around this. hearing that really fucking hurt. it’s extremely difficult for me to make changes in myself for reasons I’m gonna save for a different post, but I honestly thought I was making positive strides. Doing things to make myself more complex of a person, more considerate, and make myself less of a piece of shit that plays videogames all day. I was upset she said that I haven’t changed much. I was about with her for the first 10 seconds..”how can she not see this effort I’m putting in to change.” then i took a step back and realized if she’s not seeing it I only have myself to blame. I think trying to change something about yourself and just not being able to and experiencing that constant feeling of failure is one of the worst things one could experience. just not being good enough even though you feel you’re trying while balancing the other commitments in your life. that’s especially true when you’re letting someone you love down. after telling my gf this she said she had to go and I could hear the sadness in her voice. I don’t know what to do. I initially want to regret telling her but I know in the long run this is more beneficial. I think i just figured out why. I’ve been taking the easy way out my whole fucking life it’s done some damage to the quality of a human being I am. I guess it’s a reassuring to not do that, bite the bullet and be honest even if it hurts me and someone else I truly love. 

Even though I grew up a lot since hs, i feel I was a much better person then. I probably had more flaws and stuff but I really worked hard on self improvement, which is something I can’t say in full confidence now. it just sucks. I feel that I am just better off sad sometimes. I am just a better person all around. I am more reflective, considerate, passionate. I don’t know the solution to this and it’s gonna continue to weigh heavily on me for years to come. I don’t think I am someone former me would be proud of..and that stings.