#something something when the path is painfully unclear and you have no choice but to walk it anyways.

[dreamspring]

and i hope, i hope all of our homes have white fences. and i hope our smiles are wider than theirs is. and i hope all of our dreams are kept fragrant. and i’ll meet you on the pavement, when we make it to the other side

[paddymoonstruck]

𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐬┃𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫

chapter one

warnings: cursing, mentions of death, season 4/manga spoilers ??? (that’s about it, think!)

word count: 2,705

notes: this is the first installment of wistful irises !!! i guess it would be a slow-burn fic that would contain 5 or more chapters. i wrote this to cope with the tragedy of AOT manga chapter 138 — that’s just fucked up tbh.  please give this one a like/reblog/feedback so i know whether or not you liked it !!

NEXT CHAPTER: H E R E

𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐟, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐟𝐭 𝐰𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐛𝐚𝐧 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

It was quiet — so eerily quiet, a hand came up to soothe her ears bitten by the cold wind. Devon’s palm felt at the rough rubbles on the surface of which she was sat on. Everything she laid eyes on tugged at her heart, scanning at her surroundings as if she looked one more time, her vision would change. 

Alas, she gazed upon the damaged cities from her place atop Wall Rose, with no success. Devon threw her head back, opting to find comfort at the stars that laid peacefully on the sky. 

“They’re dead.” She asserted, nearly winced at the wave of overwhelming devastation rushing at her heart. 

However, she was unsure who or what she was alluding to. Was it the people of Paradis? Those she lost? Or even — the stars?

Nothing was clear, at the moment. Only hurt and confusion clouded her devices. She found her palms closing in on the small rubbles she had caught, clutching them tightly in her fist.

It had been four years since everything went into a complete spiral. Perhaps it was for her alone, considering a massive part of her died along with the hundreds of comrades who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the truth. 

She remembered the day they found out about the life that existed beyond these walls. The walls she had known all her life, was quite literally, made to imprison its people. It was unclear whether she was angry or sad that there was a whole world out there that hated their existence so much that they’d created monsters to attack them. 

“It’s late, Devon.” 

She recognized that sweet-tuned voice instantly but didn’t turn to look his way as she spoke. “It’s awfully cold, too.” Her voice came in a whisper.

Her new companions footsteps grew closer, making her glance to her right. “Are you here to wallow in despair with me, Armin?” 

The blonde simply sat down beside his friend, looking ahead the dark path. “No,” He answered. “I was just looking for you.”

The silence returned after that. Chilly air wafting at the night, Devon laid her hands on her lap, inspecting how they’ve gotten small cuts from the sharp stone she had held. Her ears felt blocked as her hands began to tremble. She clenched her teeth in the hopes to ebb away her impending emotions. She exhaled a shattered breath, pressing her hands against the skin of her face. 

Armin’s hand that intended to ease Devon’s cries, seem to have worsen them the moment it touched her. However, he continued on, rubbing small circles at the column of her back. 

“I — “ Devon started, her voice failing her as another ripple of pain pounded at her chest. 

An encouraging hand reached up against her own, gently coaxing her into a state of solace, just enough for her to be able to convey her emotions.

With a breath, Devon began once more. “I thought we’ll be close to peace, once we discovered what was in that goddamn basement,” She laughed, lacking humor. The back of her palm wiping at the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. “But — it was just another door to one more disaster.” 

“That’s true,” Armin agreed, but still mulled over her words. “It is a big step from freedom, though.”

She gritted her teeth, baring the headache that came with it. There was a part of her that knew it was the exact idea Armin had in mind. Regardless of her understanding, she couldn’t help but feel a whistle of displeasure crawling against her lips.

With a swing of her head, she finally flashed her attention to Armin. Devon gave him a once-over, noticing how his once shoulder-length hair, had been cut shorter, lips curled into a frown, dragging down a creases on his forehead. The main thing that always saddened Devon was the look in his eyes.

Armin was the last person Devon thought she’d see with those haunting wisp. He was the last shred of hope she had in this world, even before everything came tumbling down, Devon saw Armin as a beacon, that she could run to whenever it all became horrifyingly dark— staring at him now, Devon felt extremely helpless, loneliness grasping at her throat, catching herself reaching for Armin’s hand that was placed on her back, snatching it on her own.

“We’ve lost so much,” She mumbled, compressing her grip on his hand. “I can’t afford to lose anything anymore— Armin—”

“You won’t—”

“— If we go tomorrow, I will—”

“Devon—”

“No— we’re going into a lion’s den! Every single person in that goddamn land wants us dead!” She stressed, leaning in closer to Arnim as if it’s bound to improve his comprehension.

Armin halted, observing the panic flood in Devon’s sunken eyes. The usual brilliance of its green hue had faded over time. In it’s place were tired, dull irises staring back at him.

He swallowed the lump building up his throat, nodding in understanding. “I know— but we have to bring him home, Devon.”

With a quick dark chuckle, Devon faced the sky, leaning her head back. “I don’t even know if I want to see him,”

Huffing out a breath Armin was holding, he abruptly got on his feet, pulling his hands from Devon’s freezing ones.

The latter flashed him a confused glance, awaiting his next move. She watched as Armin shook off his Survey Corps jacket, soon hanging it on her shoulders.

Maybe it was the topic of discussion that made them neglect the air that had been a lot chillier than before. Devon felt warmth seeping back into her skin as she hugged the material tighter against her body.

“You don’t seem to have a choice for the matter,” Armin muttered, gazing down at her. “Whether or not you’re in good terms with him, Eren still belong with us.”

Devon grimaced, as if Armin had said something completely ridiculous— in her eyes, it was.

She recalled that painful night, about three months ago. The night Eren decided to sneak out and leave Paradis. He had been babbling about it for weeks prior to his escape. Devon made the mistake of thinking it was all that— mindless babbling.

She was wrong, of course. Eren had actually planned everything. He was going to see through his stupid plan.

“Are being fucking serious right now?” Devon hissed, distressed eyes were scanning Eren’s face, hoping this was some sick prank he’d gotten everyone in.

Eren cringed at the volume of her voice, hands putting up immediately to cup her mouth. “Devon— Please— Listen, yeah?”

His pleas were met by deaf ears, as Devon slapped his plams away from his mouth, glaring at him with the outmost disbelief.

“You’re being stupid,” She scoffed. “This is stupid— Eren— You want to go there?” Her furrowed eyebrows deepened the more she thought about it.

Eren bit his lip, nodding slowly, standing rigid in front of her, frozen at the fire in her eyes. He examined her, sitting on her bed, contemplating the information he threw at her face.

The light of the single candle in the room, illuminated the left side of her face as she turned to him again. “What ever you think is going to fix this, it’ll only call for another war—”

“That’s nothing new.”

“You selfish—” She had lunged at him, limbs acting before her brain. “—little brat—!” An echo deafening resounded in the small enclosed space, rearing on the silence it followed. Devon’s palm stung, eyes raging and barely seeing anything beyond her seething anger.

Before she had the mind to process anything, her head banged against a solid surface, a groan leaving her lips from the impact.

Everything was fuzzy, scarcely making out anything at sight. Only cloudy images filled her vision, almost not feeling the bruising grip pressing her down by the wrists.

The searing breath near her ear, felt uncomfortably cold, a pair of lips grazing at the tip, making her shudder.

“For your own protection— all of you— remember that . . .”

The words echoed, but she could barely hear the last ones, as her breath turned calmer, the last thing she saw were those turquoise orbs, looking back at her with an emotion she couldn’t quite read.

Devon shook herself out of the memory. There was more to it, she knew that — but she couldn’t seem to remember. When she tries, a huge headache always came crashing down on her. A sick wave slapped her as she thought about the dreadful possibility of Eren, messing with her memories. 

She hated the big gapping wall in her mind. It was always incomplete, left her nothing but empty guesses about what else he could have said to her that night before he left her hanging with a missing piece in her heart. 

He left them — and just like that, he gets to come home in the most unnecessarily brutal way possible. Eren was asking for a bloodbath, and unfortunately, that was what most likely going to happen tomorrow.

“He’s going to get us killed.” She muttered, voice thinning at the thought of her fallen comrades — endless blood — fire — explosions — “We’ll be lucky if we all make it out in one piece.” 

This time, Armin didn’t contract her declaration, having her look down. He was frighteningly aware of the fact that any of them could die at any given moment. It brought him peril at how Devon had smacked him in the face with the reality he was trying to avoid. A part of him wanted to believe it was all going to go smoothly, but the logical part of him had mulled over the dreadful alternative for a long time now.

He sympathized with the hostile feelings Devon had grown for Eren. Perhaps it was due to the puzzling relationship they possessed. If he was to base it on his observations alone, it was painfully obvious that they cared deeply for one another but never had the time or courage to say it. 

No one has ever pried about their relationship, since they both dismissed it as nonsense. It was perplexing yet as clear as day what they had for each other. 

They would always be found bicker when they were younger, Devon calling Eren an ugly airhead then Eren shooting back that they were the same. Back then, it was true. They were kids who thought they could do everything themselves. Armin could say, Devon grew out of that attitude as time passed by when he got to know Devon a little better. 

After the battle with Zeke, Reiner and Bertholdt, the amount of trauma everyone endured was terrible. The bloody aftermath of Paradis was engraved into their minds, never fading until their last breath. 

The guilt ate at Armin when he found out how he came to be alive. He often wondered why it was him. Why did Captain Levi give him the chance to live over Commander Erwin. 

On the other hand, remorse gripped at Devon’s throat at the unintentional betrayal that crossed her mind that day. She found herself opening her mouth before she could hide it away. 

“I was so desperate for peace . . .” She whispered, yanking down Armin by his hands, his behind slamming against the hard concrete as he was forced to sit down in front of her. “That I . . . For a long time — I believed that only Erwin could lead us there —”

“It’s alright — “

“It isn’t — it was meant to make me happy, for goodness sake — you came back from the dead after I stood there and watch you get burned alive . . .” She failed to realize she was crying until she felt droplets of her tears falling on her hands, intertwined with Armin’s.

Looking away, she continued, Armin watching her carefully. “Mikasa and Eren were desperately convincing Captain Levi to resurrect you — while I stared at both yours and Commander Erwin’s body , absolutely loathing the choice that had to be made.” 

Devon could no longer hold in her heavy sobs, as it broke through her completely. “I get why you thought that, and you weren’t selfish for doing it, were you?” She listened to Armin’s reassuring voice. “You thought Erwin should’ve had it because you believed people would follow him and would avoid getting hurt — “

“ — you’d be able to do that too, though . . .” Devon countered, sniffling as she glanced back at Armin’s oceanic orbs. “I was just blinded by fear to think straight back then.”

Armin smiled at Devon in a silent gratitude. “I thought about everything you did, too, and maybe you’re right, maybe I’m too blinded by my own fears to face another life that was given to me — but I promised Captain Levi and Commander Hanji I’ll do everything it takes to bring us the peace we’ve been seeking out for years.”

Devon winced at the sudden touch on her head, chestnut locks swishing from one side after the other as Armin ruffled her hair. 

“Regretting could only get you so far,” Armin stated, a small smile gracing his face. “What’s important is what you decide to do about it.”

Warmth flooded at Devon’s core, nearly bursting into tears at Armin’s comforting words. Her mind went back to Eren, his circumstances and living conditions on that island were mostly unknown. But seeing as he had the facilities to send a letter, hints that it must be at the least safe.

She started to fly over the scattered thoughts inside her head, mulling over how mentally drained she has been, yet the noise and dull of her heart seem to only worsen. The countless times she had to convince herself of the good things left in the world to bask the gift of life, but lately, she found herself sitting by the windowsill of her room. Eyes always glancing up the sky whether or not they were painted with shining stars. 

Devon often clutched her chest when the uncontrollable pangs in her heart refuses to remain still. Some days, the rejection of waking up rattles her tremendously, and the refusal to face the day ahead was stronger than anything. 

She wanted nothing more than to take a few steps back and reverse time to relish the tranquility of it all. It sounded ridiculously selfish, but she’d trade anything if it means she would awake to Eren and Jean’s loud voices arguing or to see Sasha pocket goods she had stolen from the kitchen while being chased down by Armin. And oh — what she wouldn’t give to replay the day they’ve all bonded together after Keith Shadis made Sasha run until she was in the brink of insanity. 

It’s those little things that made her nostalgic, bringing a sad smile on her lips that she wasn’t sure if she wanted those thoughts randomly popping up her mind. Sometimes, disbelief hits her harder than anything whenever she’d allow herself to scan the faces of what’s left of her teammates. 

When Erwin had told them, he knows “they’d one day go far and achieve great things”, if he was still here, Devon would surely make him look at what had become of them. 

Everyone was preparing for the expedition in Marley tomorrow. Devon had exited the room when she had heard the severity of the situation. Eren was going to wreck havoc in that foreign island and he gave them no other choice than to lend him aid. 

It was rather conflicting, Devon was worried for him but nonetheless, despised his living-breathing self. She often wondered about his whole motive, considering his adamant proclamation that it wasn’t for his own self-indulgence. 

It felt like it was, as she began to feel the shuddering screams of the impending battle that was set to take place. 

If another life of her loved one’s taken from her tomorrow, she fears that it might throw her in an unstable state and she had every right to blame it all on Eren.

[automatismoateo]

Isn't god just sadistic and cruel? via /r/atheism

Submitted August 02, 2021 at 07:20PM by pinkpanthercub (Via reddit https://ift.tt/3lrEBB8) Isn't god just sadistic and cruel?

Hi everyone i'm new here

I have struggled with religion all my life. I never felt the presence of any god in my life and i always kept god and religion at arms length because i felt no connection to it. When i decided i should at least make the effort to look into it a bit more i bought a bible on eBay and read it. I visited some Christian forums and had a look around. The bible to me seems like a violent nasty book. Also painfully repetitive considering its length, the same themes are repeated over and over and over again (worship me, if you're male please get your dick snipped because for some inexplicable reason i gave you a foreskin when i designed you but i demand you to cut it anyway and give me millions of burnt offerings and lie face on the ground before me or else i'll burn your city down and torture you, that sort of thing)

The religious forums i visited are easily the most vicious and nasty i have ever come across, the people there act like they are superior because of their faith and other humans are just trash who deserve to be screaming in agony for eternity just for having a different view to them. I think people like that are hiding behind their faith as an excuse to be hateful towards other humans. They are just cruel and hateful and use god as a way to justify it.

Every time there is a natural disaster the comments on YouTube are full of people saying that its a sign of the ''end times'' and god is sending us misery and suffering so that we repent and accept him or whatever. If an actual god did exist and they were the loving god people claim it is, why would it send us wildfires and floods and earthquakes as a way to show us its ''love''. Instead why wouldn't it show us how much it loves us by give us a positive message. If such an almighty god is there, this god could just speak to us and tell us to be kinder and work with us to make things better. Instead it is always absent, invisible, but it sends a lovely flood or an earthquake to let us know how great and loving it is?!

I never understood how people can justify the thought of anyone being tortured for eternity. But many believers say its our fault for rejecting god. I say if such a god exists, and this god is supposed to be so brilliant. why did it make everything so vague that no one really knows the truth? Even believers fight among themselves about what is true or not. Why doesn't this almighty god make everything clear? Why does this god create humans with human flaws and then tell us that we are sinning and we have to spend our entire lives repenting for simply being human and acting how we are naturally. If he loves us why is it that we can't accept our faults as humans and demands we repent or we face ''hell''? And if he created hell then it is his fault if we are going there. He made the rules impossibly strict and cruel, punished us for being human and was vague and invisible, but we are going to be punished for eternity if we don't make the right choice in our short lifespan? There is no second chance?! Maybe if god presented himself to us more clearly we would find it easier to be guided down the right path, but the path is unclear.

Would a loving and forgiving god really demand we act perfect when we can never be perfect, demand we never act on natural human feelings and behaviour when it is...erm....natural and human to us. Why would a loving god say we will be punished sadistically and endlessly for our flaws which we are born with and can't change because we are human?

They say god created humans in his image, isn't it more likely that humans created god in their image? Since ''almighty'' god seems rather mundane and human with its jealousy, anger, pettiness, spite, narcissism.

My conclusion, even if such a god did exist (highly doubtful) i wouldn't worship if because it just seems like a cruel sadistic narcissist and not much more. It is either made up by humans as a way of controlling them through fear or it actually does exist and if it does exist it doesn't deserve worship because it seems like it just sees us as toys to cruelly play with. It says we have a choice. worship, serve, obey it like slaves, or don't and get tortured. If i had to exist for eternity i would probably be tempted to create something to play with for my own amusement and to stop the boredom of eternity too, it doesn't mean i would be deserving of worship. It just means i am a cruel tyrant who forced people to exist and then forced them to be terrified of it.

[pingou7]

Songs I fell in love with

Thank you @justkeeponthegrass for tagging me, makes my day! The post was long in coming, but I wanted to do it right, I hope you’ll like it. <3

If I understand the rules, we’re listing ten songs we love and can listen to on repeat… 

It’s bound to change often, but I’ll present you my current obssessions. Songs I belt out in my igloo or in any car I happen to be taken in, because yes, if you must know, I sing in cars, with or without the radio (preferably without) that’s a thing. Weirdly enough, it creeps my drivers when I don’t… ‘nuff said, let’s go:

1. Pink and Gold — Kate Gillespie 

This one is a surprise, my absolute repeat song. I discovered it via Spotify and it was glorious from the very first notes. Then I heard the lyrics and they stuck, I’ve been humming them everyday for a week now. “Oh sometimes, it’s how life goes/You have to learn from poetry and prose/Some days, we’ll miss each other most/But you made the choice to leave me with your ghost.” Not the most happy song, but it’s hopeful and accurate.

3. Fall — Joshua Hyslop 

Again, I thank Spotify and my bestie who had just finished her nightshift and couldn’t stomach me listening to Queen through my headphones next to her… So I gave it a try, and got mesmerized. I personally got very RebelCaptain vibes out of this (made an edit for the Jyn squad) but maybe that’s just me: “And i heard you when you called/Heard you saying/Hope in what you cannot see/Hope is not some guarantee/Oh I heard you when you’re close/Do you hear me”.

3. The Fear — Ben Howard

There’s quite a few songs of Ben Howard I tend to listen to on repeat when I can’t shut my brain off (Oats In the Water especially, or Old Pine). Somehow, this is the one that played the most this week, at 5:17 AM this morning, I saw it played more than 170 times already. sigh. I guess the music is catching, and the lyrics a bit too spot on: “I been worryin’ that my time is a little unclear/I been worryin’ that I’m losing the one’s I hold dear/I been worryin’ that we all live our lives in the confines of fear”.

4. The Water — Johnny Flynn (and Laura Marling)

I don’t remember how I came upon this jingle-like song. But once I heard it, it struck. Usually I listen to this twice or thrice before switching. It gives me a comforting feeling, somehow. “Lord, take me away/For I just cannot stay/Or I’ll sink in my skin and my bones/The water sustains me without even trying/The water can’t drown me, I’m done/With my dying”. I know, I’m not sunshine and rainbows these days…

5. Lost In my mind — The Head and the Heart 

I think it summarize my current state of mind just fine. Anyway, I listen to this quite regularly. I low-key sang it doing the dishes yesterday, much to the amusement of my very French relatives. But hey, I can’t do any chores without humming, singing or such… ever heard of the Snow-White syndrome? “Oh my brother/Your wisdom is all that I need/Oh my brother/ Don’t you worry ‘bout me.”

6. Home Again — Michael Kiwanuka

I heard it on a TV commercial, I don’t remember which one, then I stumbled on it in a folder recently, and before I knew, I was replicating it, trying to cheer myself up in my father’s car. He lifted an eyebrow, but smacked the wheel with his fingers (he’s got no proper sense of beat, so it wasn’t timely) and just like that, I felt a bit better. I think of this when I hit play. “So I close my eyes/And the tears will clear/That I feel no fear/Then I’d feel no way/My paths…”

7. Quizás — Jaudy

My Spanish is mostly forgotten after ten years or so, but the Portuguese driver from my Uni days had a deep love for Bachata songs, forced me to translate sometimes… so some appreciation have rubbed on me to this day. After several attempts, I got the gist of it, and when I write Cassian and Kes, I like to have some Spanish around. It doesn’t hurt if it can match the plot. I’d give you lyrics, but none are published and I don’t quite trust my ear enough… Jaudy did a beautiful song for his mother too, “Gracias” *sigh* 

8. Holding On — The Luck

I like country like, acoustic songs… and The Luck delivers. I like that one, it’s flawless, and I thank Spotify again. I scribbled down these lyrics a few days ago: “And I’m holding on, holding on for normal life/And I’m holding on, holding on for you, decide/Full of old and new, the one I thought I knew/And the cold collision course that you went through/How did you do?” 

9. It’s Only A Paper Moon — Ella Fitzgerald

I’m no stranger to the brilliance of Ella F. Her version of Blue Moon is my all time favorite and I named my beloved furry guardian angel after her. I often hum a standard or another under my breath. But somehow this one plays more often than not these days: “It’s phony it’s plain to see/How happy I would be/If you believed in me.”

10. A Part — William Fitzsimmons

I find his voice soothing, even if the lyrics of this song are pretty heavy. The whole Charleroi EP is, too be honest, but since I first heard him on the soundtrack of the One Tree Hill series, my eardrums fell in love. The lyrics are painfully accurate, even if, speaking for myself, I am thankfully NOT in the same predicament: “There’s a sparrow at my window/I was not an orphan long/I’m not saying that I hate you/I just wonder where we all went wrong.” 

Here, if you’ve read it all I thank you. Let’s hope you will find something that suits your taste, if not, well… here’s mine. I don’t know whom would be interested in doing this, so if you’re willing, consider yourself tagged.

[marimo-punk]

did a tarot reading and it basically summarized my 2019

https://www.evatarot.net/free-reading.php

The Moon, The Hermit and The Star

You are going through a difficult period during which some past problems are resurfacing. The cards you have chosen evoke a feeling of doubt and loneliness that stops you looking at the future with serenity. There is one particular issue you have with a person in your life who is really disappointing you. While it is true that in the past you have been tolerant and understanding, today you have the impression that things have gone too far and you need some distance. The cards also highlight personal difficulties in your daily life. Today you feel the need to do something else in your life to help you grow more in your activities. This desire for something different is also mentioned in your draw and represents a major challenge in your life; you have to bounce back to take full advantage of your potential and move forwards a little with your life plan.

On that level, your draw is a good omen for what follows because it clearly expresses great strides forward in your life. You obviously have great qualities that should enable you to achieve your goals in January 2019. The potential highlighted by the cards you have chosen fits your personality and your temperament. You are a spiritual person who sees beyond things. You have a great inner wealth that allows you to be clear-sighted about events. Your sensitivity allows you to fully understand the people around you, and identify their emotions, feelings, and personalities. This is also why you are appreciated by the people around you and it's is also why you are destined for a happier future alongside the people who really matter to you. In this regard, your draw evokes a meeting with a man; a person whose presence will be all you need to feel completely happy and fulfilled. The cards highlight his important role in your life path and evoke reciprocal feelings about a lasting union.

The cards reveal major opportunities during the month of January. If you wish, I can give you more details by e-mail after making a draw specifically for you to answer the question of your choice.

The Lovers, The Sun and The Chariot

Someone has betrayed you and you're not aware of it yet. A deception in love or friendship, a lack of faithfulness. One day soon you will find out and you will be hard pressed to forgive him. It will require courage not to explode when you hear the news. The hard part will knowing that this person you trusted has been playing his own game behind your back for several weeks. And right under your nose too...

You won't be able to understand the reasons for this deception. They remain unclear in this draw. This person is betraying you, and it will be the end of the relationship that you have with him. Yes, sometimes we trust people who, looking back, we realize were really cruel to us. This is the lesson of this draw: trust yes, but be suspicious first. If you trust someone too quickly, you take the risk of being betrayed, because we only really get to know someone over a period of time. We sometimes think we know a person after a few weeks, but this is false: only time enables us to build really trustworthy relationships.

From now until the end January keep your eyes open, and if someone around you seems to be nursing some odd intentions, ask questions. Perhaps you will avoid a larger deception. Everyone can have hidden ideas, but communication is the best way to detect them and avoid them being directed against you...

The World, The Empress and The Magician

The cards highlight the feelings of a person for whom you are very important. This is a man you don't know very well but who seems to have attached himself to you emotionally. You have met him several times without paying attention; he seemed to you to be busy, remote, and even indifferent. Yet he would like to be closer to you and make you like him, but up until now, circumstances have not given him the opportunity. He is in a different social environment to you and so his interactions with you are quite rare. His feelings for you are now an issue and represent an opportunity for you to renew your emotional life.

You have seemed preoccupied recently and felt anxious about the future. Yet you have a lot of potential and the cards evoke great human qualities. You need your family and friends to feel truly happy, but they do not always understand the distress you are in and anyway, you don't want to bother them with your problems. Fortunately, this situation should not last since a new dynamic is moving into your life. This should help you regain the confidence that you had before and the natural optimism that represents you so well. Your draw evokes a lot of questions but shows something essential: things will evolve positively in your life. This new trend should enable you to make new resolutions and, on the emotional level, to reconnect with the pleasure of sharing a lasting relationship with a man.

The missing card : Death

The Arcane without a name represents a skeleton that advances painfully in a hostile environment. It’s an image that earned him a second name: Death. In reality, this card represents a situation or a project that reaches its end. It is a sign of personal transformations and announces change.

By not choosing Death, you put forth your sensitivity. In your eyes, it’s not an option to leave things behind you. Your past and your experience make up your personality and you don’t want to draw a line. These are the qualities that must push you in your personal projects, letting you put all of your potential into the service of your life project.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #1 + 2

Alrighty, so I went to my first counselling appointment about 2 weeks ago, I should have written about it sooner cause my memory sucks and I’ve forgotten a lot of what was said but knowing me, that’s just how it goes lol. 

It was actually in a place quite close, right in the centre of a relatively busy shopping area but it is discreet in the way that the building does not have a sign disclosing what it actually is, just the address which is pretty neat. From the outside it kinda just looks like some office type/general job advice place and the general building interior was quite simple, new-ish and office-y. I was nervous going in, but not too much actually which was good. I had to tell the reception desk lady my name (but only the first time) which I was anxious about, but of course no1curr really and you have to sign in your initials in this list for a fire safety thing. There was a waiting area of course which I was dreading but I just fiddled with one of the games on my phone till the counsellor came down for me shortly after.

The lady I’m assigned to see is pleasant and cheery, she makes some interesting but simple analogies and points out and helps turn things around when I happen to say something negative. I feel quite comfortable talking to her for the most part, it’s just some odd few things she’s said that came across overly blunt and maybe a tiny bit offensive, nothing intentionally harmful and mostly about just informational or hypothetical stuff, but it just feels a little shocking and discomforting and uhh awkward at times. I guess the impact makes it more memorable and more thought provoking though, so that’s something lol.

The first appointment was just an introductory one, we talked briefly about my background and a bit about my financial situation which she instructed me to go to a place I could get advice (which I did go to later and well, it was an awkward time of waiting and receiving nothing new or helpful in the end, but I tried at least. I was wondering if I would be able to get some sort of financial support as I am not working but it kinda lead full circle into something I tried in the past and struggled with badly, so damn... but maybe I’ll try again some time soon.) 

I talked a little about my family and about my parents, my sister and how I feel not so independent, how I worry about what people think of me and that kind of stuff. She pointed out that I kept using my sister as an example of someone I saw as independent and functional, that I kept comparing myself to her and told me to think about the difference in age we have and the more time she has had, that we are essentially different and well just everyone in general goes at different paces and follow different paths and stuff like that. I mean I know this already of course, but it’s easy to forget when you’re in that hopeless mood, so I’m glad she mentioned it.

There was the stuff about not taking people’s words to heart and to just let it slide off as if wearing a super everything-proof coat and other general sort of cliche advice too. It’s nice to be reminded and to be told them, I will try harder commit them to memory. 

It’s a bit of a weird feeling when I say stuff and she asks me what I just did/said as to point out I was being negative or jumping into assumptions/conclusions. I mean of course this must be done, but it kind of makes me feel like a kid being talked to or reprimanded and I feel a tiny bit sad/intimidated or like Im going backwards for that moment. I also feel like sometimes things are going a bit slow or that I have to butt in to say what I want to, feels bad man. I do genuinely have nothing against her as a person or counsellor, I’m just hella awks.

Sometimes I feel like I didn’t want to say the most generic straight forward answer and so said something a little different, second guessed myself and well I feel like an idiot for it too. Like for example (not one actually used that day or maybe at all, cuz I forgot and am bad at making stuff up lol) when asked something about whose approval/support/opinion/etc of you matters most, the obvious/desired answer would be to say yourself but I get that really cheesy feeling and say something else like your friends/family or w/e idk... I just, ughhhh @^@” I mean it is true though, humans do look to others for support and approval too, it’s just that I probably do this or think I need this more than necessary aka. my dependent-ness, indecisiveness and fear of judgement reigns supreme.

My homework for the next week was to go to the financial/unemployment advice place (which I did with the help of my sister) and to write down what I would like to talk about/focus on in the next sessions. As I never write super personal things down out of paranoia/fear of someone reading and judging it was something I was reluctant and kept drawing up blanks about lol. I scrawled some generic stuff about becoming more confident and independant, less paranoid and fearful, to be myself and some typical goals like learning to cook and drive and all those kind of things etc. 

But... I also wrote that I wanted to talk about/learn more about AVPD, OCPD etc. The next appointment she didn’t ask me for the paper but I plucked up the courage to present it of my own accord. She went through most of it and we briefly discussed how we could go about these things, how to start to get there and what I could do. Such as for learning to cook, I said I could maybe use my sister’s kitchen (which I did and wrote a little about in my last general update post) and as for making friends she suggested I could join some sort of local hobby club of interest (this one is something I’d thought about many times already and is still kinda meh but maybe I just need to look and try harder), and we traded and concocted other similar sorts of ideas for things (which I forgot lol).

We also talked about my parents some and she agreed that they... are well, a ginormous contributor to my problems especially in the independence department, but she was kind enough to say she assures that they are probably lovely people, it’s just that I need to live for myself and not be constrained to their rules and so forth. It’s all painfully true and I know it, but for someone else to agree, sympathise and reiterate it to me it feels, like a bit of a weight has been lifted. Yeah, I’m an adult now and have been for quite a long while but never felt it, I need to push to do things for myself and by myself, then I’ll start to really feel like who I’m meant and hope to be.

When it got to the AVPD part I wrote down though... it was kind of... idk disheartening. I mean I know it’s no good to just pull out the name of something and present it like I know I have it, I specifically wrote it so it wouldn’t seem so much like that. But I’ve just been sitting on those inklings for so long and just wanted to know if it is actually relevant after all, to know what is wrong with me really, to have a real diagnosis after all this time, just like with my physical illness’ I just craved to know what it is, to put a name to it and have some relief.

Well, I don’t remember exactly what she said butI feel like it was a dismissal or semi-dismissal of it. I think she said something about her not being able to to sort of diagnose people for some reason or other, maybe that she’s not qualified to or idk. I mean she introduced herself as a counsellor so I guess it would kind of makes sense..? Until lately I was kind of unclear on using the word counsellor or therapist and still kind of am, because it seems that in some places or for some people they are one and same and interchangeable whilst to others and other places they are entirely different. I kind of see a therapist as the kind of one up of a counsellor, a bit more of a specialist or something similar. The word therapy on it’s own is just the sort of means or title of the treatment used by both counsellors and therapists though so there’s that too. Also some people choose to use the word counselling out of choice as it seems more softer, discreet, accepted and understood (this rings true in the case with what my mum and I refer to it as).

A counsellor runs brief and short term sessions focusing on improving thought and behaviour patterns while a (psycho)therapist sort of digs deeper into the subconscious and pasts of patients is what I have kind of gathered from some info online (may not be correctly described by me but oh well). I also read that some people mentioned that one of the criteria or factors for deciding which kind of person you see is whether you are already actively conscious and responsive to changing for the better (which if yes, would lead to a counsellor) or not. I remember the info on my problems I gave to the referral person was quite complex and even she needed to discuss what to make of it with a superior, but I told her of my own initiatives and endeavours to change and improve and maybe that was where the deciding factor lay.

I know I told myself not to have an expectations but well, you know that’s kind of impossible really. I don’t want to feel disappointed or to come across as ungrateful because this support and guidance I am able to receive now is definitely much better than nothing at all. Maybe I just need to give things time, see how it goes, build up my sort of mental report and rapport with her. One of the things that I was worried about is that there is a set number of appointments (10 to be exact, so short term which confirms this is counselling and not psychotherapy.) But she re-assured me that if we need more then it can be arranged of course when needed and to not to get too ahead of myself.

In a way it is kind of something positive though, to maybe know that I do not need something as intensive as they first thought I would (so I’m doing well in a way or not as bad as I think) but on the flip side I worry that all my much deeper set problems may not have a chance to be explored and resolved and it is disheartening all over again. Once more I think I just need to be patient and not overthink things, I’ve only been for two appointments, there’s still some to go and lots more things to begin to discuss.

I was supposed to have my third appointment this week but it got cancelled this morn, but I don’t mind and the next one is just a few days away so it’s okay. I was actually kind of feeling reluctant/nervous due to it being a diff day from all the others set too so it was a bit of a relief lol and also it’s been quite a big step to go out so early and frequently (in my avoidant terms) and into somewhere quite busy and nerve-wracking and to think and get grilled in a sense or share so much personal stuff so intensely, I felt I definitely needed a breather.

Thinking and writing these posts totally drains me too and I always have migraines which only makes things harder to boot, but I’m doing it, yay for me! :D Hmm... I’m not sure what else to write now, I think I got most of what I remember and most of what I wanted to say down. 

I want to write something like ‘I hope I don’t come across as an ass’ and I think I already did earlier lol but this is me thinking about being judged by others again (and usually when people defend themselves for something it ends up backfiring or being hypocritical so never mind haha). I shouldn’t have to think about whether someone will judge me or not, or to soften my words or feelings. I don’t want to lie or ever pretend to be someone I’m not either. I gotta learn to keep being true to myself and to know that as long as I see myself for who I really am and know I am, then it doesn’t matter what other people say or think.

Alright, I think I’ve found a good place to finish this post now. Ending on a sort of confused and odd but self-encouraging note so to say haha. I’m still kind of conflicted and anxious but I need to just relax a little and let things just unfold at a slow but steady pace as they will.

I’m gonna try do some relaxing stuff and then some productive after if I can now ^^ I hope next time’s post will be a little brighter haha~

Remember to keep encouraging and supporting yourself, to just be you and of course, to have an awesome day~! C: