#something about that culturally Christian impulse to deprive yourself of joy and pleasure until you 'deserve it'
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sometimes i think about Quaritch feeling bad for finding happiness in small moments and i react normally to it inside of me
#horse.txt#this is a lie i start shaking and tearing up#something about that culturally Christian impulse to deprive yourself of joy and pleasure until you 'deserve it'#which coincidentally So often tends to happen at a time known as 'Never'#whenever i think i dont deserve to be happy i think about Him instead and it does things to my head. like woaw...#punitive measures after wrongdoings can creative a very unique type of misery#wherein the question of 'do i deserve to hurt like this' is Already Answered by everyone around you; and it is a resounding Yes#the helplessness the regret the ticking clock. waiting for something to give at all -- and when it doesnt#you instead find happiness crawling in through the dogflap in the back door of your mind. and you have to figure out how to get rid of it#because if someone sees it. they will take it away#bad people dont get to smile. bad people dont get to laugh. a bad persons joy is always - somehow - a mockery of a good person's misery#when youre bad. being 'good' becomes something different. it becomes about shrinking away and disappearing#it becomes a very genuine question of 'would the world be better off without me?' because thats precisely what the good masses say they want#vent //#sort of? im fine i just started thinking about sad scenes im gonna write for spe'etu n got in my feels#anyway. thinks about that old man groveling
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