#something DID make my mom uncomfortable later. and it was a bunch of gay guys in front of us making homophobic jokes at each other

[lgbtlunaverse]

Everytime I see discourse about kink or nudity at pride I get reminded of the time I went to pride a few years ago with my mother and my sibling- who was 17 at the time and is somewhere on the ace spectrum- and about halfway through, the march went under a gatehouse. Some inhabitants were sitting in their open windows watching the parade. Right before we crossed under them, one of them decided to just... take her shirt off. She wasn't wearing a bra. And you know what happened? People whooped and cheered, and then kept walking. That's it. And there were kids around!! They didn't care. My sibling didn't care. My mother, a cisgender heterosexual woman in her 50s, did not care.

This stuff stops being such a big deal when you go offline. It was basically the same amount of boob you'd see in any perfume ad. No one was like 'what about the children?' And if you didn't wanna see it and looked down, no one would've called you a puritanical prude for that. And it helps to remind myself of that everytime I see kink at pride discourse getting rehashed because at actual pride, people don't care.

[aki13th]

[image desc:

Two posts by user ArrMarriageAvoidance from a thread titled TIFU (Today I Fucked Up).

First post reads:

"TIFU by telling my parents I was gay to avoid their arranged marriage proposals

So I'm pretty straight, maybe slightly bi if we count femboys. Let's get that out of the way first. I'm also an Indian American male around 26 years of age.

I'd also like to clear up some misconceptions around arranged marriage. A lot of non Indians seem to think it's literally your parents choose who you marry and that's that, but that's not really the case. Instead it's more like your parents tap their network to find potential partners for you, if you like each other's pics then you guys meet in person and then you decide whether or not you want to get married. So basically your parents are Tinder and you get a meeting or two to decide whether or not you want to get married. It's not quite as bad as many of you think it is, but the whole process feels super rushed and I'd rather date someone before I figure out if we're compatible or not

Anyways, my parents have recently been getting on my case about getting married. Apparently I'm getting older, need to settle down and give them grandchildren or something like that. Basically every time I see them (which is fairly often since they live close by) they have a new potential match for me, a picture of some new girl and ask me if I'd be willing to meet her.

It's honestly super annoying, but I'm too non-confrontational to really put my foot down and say "I dont' want an arranged marriage", after all if I do there'd be an argument or at minimum some interrogation about why I don't want one.

Anyways, I was thinking of ways I could get them to stop harassing me about getting married and the idea in the title popped up in my head. I decided it'd be a lot easier to just come out as gay than to explain why I didn't want an arranged marriage. My parents were fairly conservative but weren't the types to disown their kids, and if I just said I was gay I'd have a solid reason to not get an arranged marriage--I didn't like girls

Soooooooooo that's what I ended up doing last time I was visiting. They were showing me pictures of some girl and I just looked them in the eyes and said "Mom, dad, I'm gay". They got really quiet and awkward and asked me if I was sure and I said yes. My mom told me they'd love me no matter what and to do what makes me happy. My dad was a lot more awkward and quiet by later gave me a similar talk about how he was a bit uncomfortable with the idea, but recognizes that times are changing and I should do what makes me happy. Overall I did feel kinda bad because of how genuinely my parents seemed to respond to me, but was happy with the result, they stopped giving me arranged marriage proposals and stopping showing me pictures of girls

That is until last weekend. I visited them as usual and was greeted by my mom who was more excited than usual. She sat me down and pulled out a binder with a bunch of pictures of guys. Apparently my parents had spent the last month or so looking for any and all gay Hindu Indian men who I could potentially marry. So now I guess I'm dealing with the exact same shit but instead of being greeted with pictures of cute Indian girls I get to see pictures of gay Indian dudes instead. Fuck my life lol

At this point the plan is to either find a girlfriend and tell my parents she totallllllllly turned me straight or maybe marry a twink or smthn idk

TL;DR: Told my parents I was gay so they would stop pestering me with arranged marriage matches, start potential gay suitors instead"

Second post reads:

"TIFU by telling my parents I was gay to avoid their arranged marriage proposals [UPDATE]

Hey everyone! I don't know if you remember me but I'm the dude who came out as gay to avoid an arranged marriage

Anyways, I have an update for you guys!

I read all the comments on the original post, from people telling me to just tell my parents, questioning whether or not I was really straight, laughing at the admittedly fairly funny situation I'd gotten myself into and a couple of people who were straight up mean

At the end of the day though posting here probably gave me the final push to do something. The weekend after I'd made the post, I visited my parents as always and resolved myself to tell them the truth. However when I got there my mom as always pushed the binder in my hands and I kinda lost my resolve to tell her. I decided to just play along

It was then that I remembered the people on this thread who made fun of me for liking femboys and questioned whether or not I was really straight. I kinda took that to heart and decided to look at the binder of dudes in earnest to see if I liked any of them. Tbh I'm really glad I did. Most of the dudes were unattractive as expected, but I found a dude on their who I legitimately think is cuter and more feminine than the vaaaaast majority of girls I've seen. I told my mom I like him and she kinda joked around asking me what the point of being gay is when I wanted a dude who looked like a girl anyways (Easter Island head emoji)

She talked to his parents, we had a meeting set up over Zoom and overall it went really well! Me and him have a bunch of common interests (we're both massive weebs and history nerds) and he also disclosed that he apparently crossdressed in private which only made me like him more

In the end though we both decided we didn't want to rush into marriage and wanted to do a dating trial run of sorts. I told my parents and…. THEY WERE FINE WITH IT. My dad literally just told me that as long as we have marriage as an eventual goal and don't have sex before marriage they didn't mind if we date… Y'all literally this whole shitshow could've been avoided lmfao (though I'm kinda glad it wasn't)

Luckily he lived in the same state as me, but he was still a 3-4 hour drive away, so mostly we've just had discord calls and spent time together gaming for the past few weeks. This Saturday though we finally managed to meet up in person and have a date and honestlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I think I'm kinda in love. Dude's cuter than any girl I've ever met but unlike most girls he's actually into the same things I am.

Anyways we ended up having a great day out on Saterday and I ended up staying at his play over the weekend (though surprisingly I kept my promise to my dad and somehow avoided having sex lol) Anyways yeah I'm now back home and extremely happy with my decision to lie to my parents (then again is it really lying if it turned out to be true?).

I really really do like him and will prolly ask him to marry me a couple months from now if nothing goes wrong.

TL;DR - guess I really was gay all along"

end desc]

cumplane au

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

[himbothomas]

Video Games || 2018 || PT. 1

“Your house is nice.” 

Dean says, mostly to be polite but also cause he means it. Levi scoffs, leading him around the cluttered kitchen island towards the basement steps. His older sister, Sabrina, had already stalked upstairs, but she’d smiled when Dean told her she was a good driver, and had let him pick out which Paramore CD to play. She smelled really good, too, but Dean wasn’t about to risk one of the only friendships he had. And, until yesterday when he asked him to hang out after school today, Levi had been strictly a practice and class friend. They usually had to run laps together for dicking around between drills and usually got detention together for dicking around between classes, but this was different. It’s not like Dean was hurting for friends-everyone liked him and he and most of the other 11th graders on the football team hung out together in a big group, but no one has ever invited him over to their house. Just him. 

And Levi. Dean really likes Levi. Really likes him. He, Dean notices as they settle on the well worn couch, also smells really good. 

Shit. Fuck. Dean stops just short of shaking himself. He-well he wasn’t gay. He likes girls. But he also likes…Levi. It’s stupid and Dean knows it-the best thing that could come out of acting on those sorts of feelings is getting completely ostrichized. He’d be lucky if he didn’t end up hospitalized, for that matter. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t look. Or think about him before he falls asleep. Or purposefully get detention for the third time in a week so they could keep hanging out. Levi settles next to him, and it’s not weird for Dean to look, so he does. Curly black hair and eyes that were green in the right light. A tan that was half freckles and a quarter Puerto Rico and a smile that keeps Dean up at night, one he returns easily. 

“Oh.” Levi says, standing again to grab the Xbox controllers. Dean tries not to look at his ass but it’s right there. Maybe he just likes nice asses. That’s not that weird. 

Levi hands him the controller and continues to fuck with his Xbox. 

“Madden or call of duty?” 

Dean scoffs “You think after finally being done with football season, I wanna play football on screen?”

“So you suck at Madden?” Levi responds, booting up the game and laughing when Dean flips him off. 

“No I’m just trying to be a good guest-“

“You just flipped me the bird-“

“I don’t think it’s polite to kick your host’s ass within 20 minutes of arrival.”

“Whatever.” Levi says, sitting back on the couch and closer to Dean. It’s just because he has wired controllers and doesn’t want to stretch the cord out. Dean has to stop from physically yelping when their knees touch. He shifts away. Levi, for his part, is texting. 

“My mom says you can eat dinner with us if you want.”

The thought of processed food not from the organic grocery store is even more attractive than his friend or his sister. 

“Oh cool. Sure, thanks.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “You’re not even gonna ask your parents?”

“Do they still hold your hand when you cross the street, little boy?”

“Fuck off. “Levi shoves him and Dean laughs

“Nah I don’t have to do shit. My mom doesn’t care about me and Kenny forgets my name once football is over.”

“Oh shut up, sad sack your mom cares about you.” Levi rolls his eyes and picks the Dallas Cowboys as his team. Dean let’s him and picks the Patriots simply because-

“Why the fuck did you pick the worst team to ever fucking exist?”

“I figured if you’re gonna insist that I kick your ass I might as well break your spirit too.”

Levi shoves him again and Dean’s mission is accomplished. “Bastard.”

“Yeah, technically.”

Levi rolls his eyes again and they start to play. When Levi is down 40 points, Dean speaks. 

“She really doesn’t care though. My mom. Which is cool most of the time cause I can do whatever I want,  but last year she forgot about my birthday until it was 6 weeks later.” 

Levi turns his head to look at him.  “Oh you’re not kidding, are you?”

“Why do you think she bought me a car before I could drive?”

He’d failed his test twice at this point but that didn’t matter. 

“That’s uh…pretty fucked, man.”

Dean shrugs. “It is what it is. I’m just wall decor unless there’s football talk or she needs to prove to someone she was once liberal enough to fuck a black guy.” Levi chokes a little on the Gatorade he's drinking.

 “Jesus.”

“Nah, his name is Rodney.”

“Do you see him ever?” Levi asks. Something about the genuine curiosity in his voice is so nice that Dean lets him get a first down. 

“Ha!” 

“Nah. He took off when I was like…4? 5? And then we lived with my grandparents for a bit, which was cool. My grandpa was fucking awesome. But he died when I was like, 9 and mom was already with Kenny at that point so I never felt like I could ask about my dad.”

“You ever wanna meet him?”

Usually people express some sort of false sympathy for him, but Levi is too focused on making passes Dean is letting slide.

 “Oh I did. Last Christmas. We met at Waffle House.  He asked me for money.”

“What?!” Levi pauses the game and stares at him. “Whatd you do?”

Dean shrugs.  “I had like $50 on me so I uh…gave it to him.”

The tips of his ears burn with shame and he looks away, suddenly uncomfortable. 

“Jesus I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to like-Thats some tough shit, Deanie.” 

Levi had been the first to call him that. Dean has been pretending for almost two and a half years that it didn’t make his heart race. 

“It’s ok. Really. It sort of…I know now. It sucks but I can’t do a whole lot about it.”

Levi sighs. “Yeah but I shouldn’t have, like,  forced you to tell me.” 

“You didn’t.” Dean says easily. “It was actually nice to tell someone that.”

“Thomas.”

“Sanchez.”

“You’ve never told anyone that before?” No one’s eyes have any business looking that pretty when they’re sad. Especially Levi’s. Dean shrugs again, his voice a little lower.

 “My mom doesn’t even know I met him. She’d just get pissed at me anyway so like…” he shrugs again. He feels Levi’s eyes on him and it makes his stomach tighten. “Do you wanna get back to the game or is therapy Levi still happening?”

“Stop being an asshole. That’s…so much, dude.”

“Yeah, a real winner runs through my DNA. Glad I kept his name.”

Levi groans. “You make me feel like a dick for being unhappy here.”

“You are a dick. Your mom lets you have video games and a whole basement that I’m guessing you decorated unless she’s a Kate Upton fan.” 

Levi snorts. “I don’t entirely feel bad for you and your step dad’s fucking fortune and mansion.”

Dean doesn’t say anything because he knows Levi is right. “I dunno man, I’d give it all up for there to be bacon in the house.”

“What?!”

They keep talking as they play the game. Levi asks questions that are direct without prying. Dean tries to ask them back. He is shortly losing by 70 points. When the cowboys win, he does his best to demand a rematch, which, really, means he gets to keep talking to Levi. 

“So-“ Levi says. “I think it’s only fair since you told me your secret, I'll tell you one of mine.” 

Dean snorts. “This isn’t a friendship based on transactions you weirdo.” 

“Right, yeah. Then I’m gonna be super narcissistic and make it about me.” Dean laughs at this and it’s  his turn to pause the game. 

“You uh, told me all that stuff because why?” Levi’s voice is different. Less confidence. Dean slowly realizes he’s nervous.

“I trust you.” Dean says, realizing he does as he says it. 

“You do?”

“Should I not? Are you as shitty at keeping secrets as you are at realizing things?”

When Levi doesn’t laugh, Dean puts his controller down fully and turns to him. “Dude are you ok?”

“Yeah I  uh-so what I told you before was a secret isn’t exactly secret it’s just…something I wanna ask about to see if it’s uh, normal.”

Something small and evil like a shred of hope crawls into Dean's stomach. 

“Even if it’s not, Levi, I wouldnt you know, treat you differently for it.”

Levi scoffs again and Dean frowns. “What? I mean it. Have you ever known me to like, you know, judge people or whatever?”

Levi considers this and, as he strokes his thumb slowly up and down his index finger, his voice relaxes.  “No. I guess I haven’t. You’re even nice to Dan-Danielle Stevens.”

Danielle was openly trans and braver than anyone else Dean knew.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“We live in Texas.”

“And I’m Black. And from Wisconsin.” 

Levi laughs. “Two things I always say about you.”

Dean can’t help himself.  “You talk about me a lot?”

He could be mistaken, but some of Levi’s freckles darken. “That’s not-do you want me to tell you the question or not?”

“Ask me the question, Leev.” Dean says, hoping he’s right. 

Levi takes a breath. They’re facing each other on the couch now, controllers as abandoned as their math homework. 

“I was just uh, you know, wondering if you-or if it’s normal or whatever... to think what it’d be like to you know…kiss another guy or something.”

All the blood leaves Dean’s upper body and rushes south. 

“I think that’s normal.” Dean says, hoping he didn’t pause too long or answer too eagerly. “I mean it’s 2018, you know. Like all that gay shit is way more accepted so like, we see it more and maybe it sparks some inspiration or something.” 

“Right. Ok. Yeah. Like when you see an ad for something a bunch of times and then you finally buy it. “ 

Dean laughs. “Yeah. Curiosity isn’t bad unless you’re a cat or like, a guy who defuses bombs.”

Levi laughs and moves a bit closer. 

 “Can I ask you one more thing?”

“You’re getting really close to your allotted time slot being up but I’ll see what I can do.”

“I hate you.” Levi says, his smile directed just at Dean is too much to handle. 

“Have you ever thought about-”

Before Levi finishes, Dean closes the distance between them, stretching out on the couch and very carefully and purposefully placing his lips on Levi’s. 

And its right. It’s so right Dean almost feels bad for being so ashamed of all the times he’s thought about it. 

Levi pulls away just slightly and when his thumb comes up to trace Dean’s cheekbone, that evil shred of hope doubles in size. 

They stay like that for an hour, getting bolder and more confident with each kiss, their hands firmly on each other’s. When his mom comes home with the smell of pizza lingering with her and calls down the stairs, they pull apart. Without speaking, Dean knows they’re not going to talk about it, but he can’t even bring himself to care-everything he’d been fantasizing about was so much better in practice. Even if Levi never wants to see him again-

“You wanna come over again tomorrow?” Levi says, clearing his throat. His hand covers Dean’s on the couch and gives him a squeeze. 

Dean’s fate is sealed before he can even finish saying “Sure.”

[loveburnsbrighter]

30. ‘this is my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner etc.’ + David/Patrick!

this got really Patrick-centric, so i hope that's okay! i have a thing about Patrick getting everything he wants lmao. read it on ao3

When Jocelyn asked Patrick to help out with the high school's fall musical ("The drama teacher is on extended maternity leave, we're really in a bind!") he wasn't so sure at first.  He agreed, of course, in no small part because Jocelyn had the glint in her eye that said she was on the edge of snapping, but he wasn't particularly excited about the prospect of running lines with a bunch of teens eight hours a week for eight weeks out of the fall.  Especially when that time could be spent in the store he runs with his new husband.

David, for his part, hadn't been thrilled about being left to close alone four days a week, but he'd encouraged Patrick easily enough, waving away his concerns breezily.  "You like kids," he told Patrick the night before his first day on the job, murmuring into the space between them across their pillows.  "And you love theater.  This will be good for you."

David had been right, of course.  Now, three weeks into rehearsals for Grease, Patrick is loving the job, even if the kids have a terrible collective habit of asking invasive questions and making inappropriate jokes.  Patrick finds himself sending a mental apology to all of his high school teachers the third time he catches the kids sharing a rousing chorus of a particularly dirty song, and catches himself sternly asking them to cut it out.

For the most part, though, the job is fun.  The kids call him "Mr Patrick," and they seem actually impressed when he tells them about Cabaret.  The student director listens to his suggestions.  It's another one of those things that's clicked in his life since he moved to Schitt's Creek, although less and less frequently; he was meant to do this, could have been doing this all along.

It's Wednesday of his third week on Grease, and the kids have asked if they can stay an extra hour or so, try a full run-through with notes.  Jocelyn, who's their official staff supervisor and barely involved in the actual mechanics of the play, tells them that it's okay with her if it's okay with Patrick, so he calls David to let him know he'll be home extra-late.

David is surprisingly chipper about it.  "I'm gonna lock up in about half an hour," he says, voice crackling past the school's shotty reception.  "I could pick up some pizza for you and the kids?"

Patrick fake-gasps.  "Is that David Rose, doing something nice for a bunch of children?"

"Um, I'm doing something nice for you, and if the children happen to benefit, I can't control that," David clarifies with a huff.

Patrick laughs as he hangs up.

They're working through Hopelessly Devoted to You, a little bit shakily, when there's a sharp rattle on the auditorium door.  Jocelyn leaps from the card table where she's been grading papers.  "David!"  She exclaims when she opens it and he struts in, laden down with pizza boxes.  "You brought the kids dinner!"

"Yeah, Patrick said they were working late?"  David sets the stack of boxes on the table, careful of Jocelyn's papers.  

"Of course!"  Jocelyn is smiling like she's impressed by the gesture.  

Patrick witnesses this exchange from partway between the door and the stage, which are maybe fifteen feet apart.  "Okay, guys, take ten," he calls as they wrap up their number.  "I got us pizza!"

"Sorry, who got us pizza?"  David raises a pointed brow.

Patrick looks David over, his skirt and sweater and horribly uncomfortable-looking boots, and thinks that the kids will love him.  Especially Sal; they play Rizzo, and they're secretly Patrick's favorite, full of laughter and good questions and teenage rage-against energy.  

The kids huddle around, shooting David incredibly blatant glances.  "Who is this?"  Asks Joshie, a junior who's chalk-full of innuendo.  She's eyeing David speculatively, head tilted.

"This is the guy who just brought you all pizza."  Patrick leans in to peck David, a quick, cursory thing, as David gets close to him.  "Guys, this is my husband, David."

Patrick didn't expect that sentence to be a big deal, but now that he's said it, it feels like one.  He knows that he's mentioned having a husband before, but he's never said it like that — this is my husband.  It feels so good, Patrick never wants to say anything else.  He could be like Amelie, except instead of his own name, he'd say nothing but this is my husband, David.  

"...Cool skirt," Sal says.  David looks himself over self-consciously, and Patrick smiles at him, so he knows that they mean that.

The kids descend on the pizza with abandon, still eyeing David and whispering to one another between bites, and David regards them with the kind of nervous energy he usually reserves for prospective vendors — he wants them to like him, Patrick knows, because Patrick likes them.  

Later, after the pizza has been demolished and David has left Patrick with a kiss and a see you in a bit, Patrick corrals the kids into a circle beside the stage.  "Mr Patrick?"  Patrick looks at Sal — they're almost his height, so he doesn't have to look down at all.  "Your husband is cool."

"Your husband is hot," Joshie announces, eliciting nervous giggles from the rest of the kids, but Patrick is too shaken to admonish them.

Hearing your husband is almost as good as saying my husband.  No one has ever said it to Patrick before.  His mom asked for a dance with his groom at their wedding reception, but that isn't the same thing.  Husband is bigger than that.  David was his groom for a day.  They'll be husbands for the rest of their lives.

"Is it that surprising to you guys that I have a cool, hot husband?"  He says finally, head still wrapping around the enormity of it.  The possessive pronoun of it all.  His husband.  His husband.  David, David, David, Patrick thinks until his head is so full of his husband David that he physically shakes it to make room for the rest of rehearsal.

Joshie and Sal keep putting their heads together and laughing, in the wings, in the backgrounds of scenes, and Patrick would bet this whole production that one or both of them has a crush on David, but honestly — honestly, if David had walked into Patrick's high school, he might have realized he was gay long before he actually did.  Like, ten years before.  So he can't blame them, really.

When Patrick gets home, he puts his arms around David's waist from behind — David is at the kitchen counter, scooping ice cream, and Patrick gathers him up and noses into the crook of his neck.  "My kids really liked you," he says into David's skin.

"A), don't call them your kids," David says, shuddering, "it gives me flashbacks to your drug-induced baby fever, and B), of course they like me.  I'm a fucking delight."

"They called you my husband," Patrick whispers into the neckline of David's sweater, like it's a secret, and David squirms his way out of Patrick's arms, returning to his gallon of Moose Tracks and ceramic dessert bowls.

"I am your husband," he says in his blandest tone, trying to goad Patrick into explaining himself.

Patrick does.  Because he wants to.  He wants to take this enormous feeling blowing up inside him and see if he can share it with David.  "No one has ever said 'your husband' to me before, though," he says to David's back.  "Knowing it and hearing it are two different things.  And it's like…like someone else saying it proved that this is real.  That this isn't all some extended dream, and I'm going to wake up alone and wanting for you in my bedroom back at Ray's."

David finally turns, handing Patrick a bowl of ice cream, which he accepts easily — he's not much of an emotional eater, unlike David, but he's human, after all.  "Is this what you used to dream about?"  He wants to know.  "Marriage, a white picket fence, coaching Little League?"

"There's no picket fence, and I'm advising the drama club," Patrick says, "but marriage felt more like an expectation before."  He can feel himself blushing before he even gets the word out.  "I didn't start dreaming of marriage until I'd started dating you."

David takes the bowls, still full but for a couple bites, and sets them wordlessly on the counter, then turns to Patrick with fire in his eyes.

Patrick's husband's kisses taste like vanilla and caramel and infinity stretching inward just for them. 

[moonbearmeliox]

X-Men Series Film Review

Welcome back to “Bren rambles about a movie/tv series.” So I just spent the past three days watching the main X-Men movies and while watching I wrote down my thoughts and what came to mind when watching the movies. Spoiler Warning(duh) for the X-Men movies. Also trigger warning because I do talk about homophobia and conversion camps.

X-Men

As the woman is talking about how mutants can be scared to revel themselve because they could be met with hostility and violence, I find this as a parellel to gay marriage and how LGBTQ+ are scared to come out because they won’t be accepted. Mutants are scared to say they’re mutants of fear of being put to death; LGBTQ+ people are scared to come out in fear of being met with violence or judgement(some places you can be put to death for being gay.

“We should decide if parents want their kids to be in school with mutants.” Sounds the same as “Do you want your child to go to the same school as a gay person? Do you want to be in the bathroom with a girl who has a dick?(in the context of conservatives who don’t want transgender people to use the bathrooms they identify with because “their genitals don’t match)”

Speaking of gay: Eric and Charles

Wolverine got anger issues

Wolverine adopting a young girl with mutant powers, how many times is this going to happen? At least twice.

Rouge really got the shortest end of the stick with the mutant gene.

Give Rouge a male love interest that will inevitably die by her hand, that’s what I’m assuming.

Jean Gray is going to be Wolverine’s love interest, calling it now

Mystique’s costume always bugs me because she’s essentially naked. Like, the directors were like “She must wear no clothes.” “That’s not practical-” “Men will eat it up. The sex appeal, yes. Because women can never have practical costume design.”

Scott looks like he’s played by the main dude in the Sonic Movie(I was right!)

Can Magneto bend the iron in people’s bodies?

“You never use your power against another mutant.” How long is that going to last?

Dad Logan is the best Logan.

The Train Splitting scene shows how powerful Magneto is but didn’t Charles tell Wolverine that Magneto can control metal. Wouldn’t Wolverine have the knowledge, “Hey using my METAL claws against a METAL bender might not be a good idea.”

Kinda figured he would want Rouge, a mutant who can literally kill someone with touch is definitely something the big bad would want.

Magento could just metal bend Charles’ wheelchair.

So Magento’s plan is to turn everyone into mutants, right?

Charles explained it more and it sounds like Terragensis from Agents of Shield with the crystals. Some come out of it with powers, others will crumble to dust.

What powers the cortex that makes it so Charles goes into a coma? Like how does the liquid get into his brain for that to happen?

Yes Jean, it is a perfect idea to put the helmet that put Charles into a coma on your head. Nothing will go wrong.

Mystique really only has like five lines in this whole movie. She really is just supposed to be eye candy.

Of course classic shapeshifter double, who’s who scene. Probably going to be resolved with Jean Gray knowing which one is the real Logan.

The fight scene isn’t that well shot but it is 2000 so

I don’t remember there being a big museum when I visited the Statue of Liberty

I doubt Mystique will stay dead.

Again they thought it would be a good idea to send Wolverine, the man with METAL CLAWS to help fight a METAL BENDER.

Nice of Magneto to put Cyclops and Jean right next to each other face to face.(Director: They’re a couple they must face each other so one can kill the other)

Yep, knew Mystique couldn’t stay dead

Why did they try and have Jean and Logan have a weird semi romance set up when Jean is dating Scott

They gave Charles a plastic wheel chair for when he visited Magneto. Ha, that’s funny.

Plastic isn’t that durable, it would be easy to break Magneto out

X2

Nightcrawler!

The fights scenes have improved, but they’re using a lot of wire rigging

Alan Cummings played NightCrawler. Knew he looked familiar.

Let’s have Wolverine follow a wolf even though wolves are wolverine's natural predators.

Watch the president be a mutant

Dad!Logan

Still painting it that Logan and Jean could possibly end up together. No thanks.

I see they didn’t change Mystique’s costume design. Is she going to say more than five lines in this movie?

Government wants to pass an act to detain and control all mutants, goes and raids a school filled with mutants, and then is SURPRISED when the mutants retaliate. “Oh we don’t want to start a war” THEN LEAVE THEM ALONE. Of course they’re not going to leave them alone because what isn’t normal scares them and must be dealt with no matter what.

Getting even more parallels between mutants and LGBTQ+. Striker wanted his son cured of the mutant gene but was ultimately upset when Charles’s school couldn’t do that. It’s similar to how when people come out to their parents, their parents send them to conversion camps to “Cure” them because they think being gay is an illness. 

Bobby don’t get horny, it will only end badly

I asked the question if Magento could bend the iron in people’s blood in the last movie. The answer is yes. Yes he can.

Bobby’s parents “Have you tried not being a mutant.” Gives more LGBTQ parreles “Have you tried being straight?” “Have you tried being your assigned gender?”

An officer shooting a white guy? Unrealistic.

Welp Bad guys and good guys team up to save Charles.

Jean and Logan kissed. Here’s my shocked face. #TeamScott.

But seriously, I hate how the main dude must have romantic interactions with the main girl. It’s never the main dude has romantic interactions with a minor(minior in the sense of not that important to the plot) girl, Storm is right there with no love interest. Pair Logan up with her, that way we aren’t running an already established romance, But nooooo, Hollywood loves to have love triangles.

Mystique changing into Jean, making out with Logan, and then changing into a bunch of different girls makes me uncomfortable.

But again, “All women who have the potential to be a love interest must kiss the main dude” now we wait for Storm to give Logan a smooch.

Female Wolverine!

Magneto had his own secret agenda? Who would have thought?

Bobby’s going to come in clutch with freezing the water

Why does Jean need to go and stop the water? Bobby has control over ice, he can stop it.

Man I really feel bad for Scott. 

But I’m miffed because it’s the classic female character dies to further male character’s development.

Oh look Jean’s alive, not surprise. Is she going to be the villain of X-men 3?

I couldn’t watch X-Men 3 because it wasn’t available on any sites but reading the wiki synopsis I was right on her being a bad guy(MY BOY SCOTT GOT MURDERED!). Upset Charles died but he was old and the mentor figure so he kinda had it coming.  On to the prequels. 

X-Men-First Class

So Charles met Mystique first. And her name is Raven. Wonder what caused their split. I just hope they weren’t romantically involved

Poor Erik, really giving him a tragic backstory

James Macavoy!

Raven and Charles call each other siblings! Oh this is going to hurt more.

Excuse me while I get distracted by Vegas women.

But also did the CIA woman plan to sneak in as a showgirl. Because who would wear lingerie under work clothes unless she planned for this(or planned to get freaky later). I mean it’s Vegas so maybe she was prepared.

Emma Frost is a telepath and can crystalize her body. Not what I was expecting with the last name Frost but I also find it odd that her two mutations don’t intersect with each other. Telepathy and crystallization have nothing in common, so the only explanation is that she got both genes from her parents. It would have to be rare since males are usually the ones to pass the gene to their kids.

Azazel. I’m guessing is Nightcrawler's dad. He and Mystique will get romantically involved and have Nightcrawler. He’ll get the blue skin from his mom but the mutant gene from his dad.

Ok I’m miffed about the costume design again. It’s London and it’s raining and they decided to have Raven and the CIA woman wear SHORTS! They’ll be freezing their asses off all so you can have some leg candy? What’s so appealing about knees? Nothing. It’s always been women’s costume designs that have to be appealing, not practical.

If Charles can’t be involved with Mystique, then he’ll have to get involved with Moira?(I don’t know if I heard her name correctly, the CIA lady). Because all male characters MUST have a romantic love interest(sarcasm)

That one CIA dude, he’s a real one.

So the dude that killed Erik’s mother, is also a mutant. 

How is Erik trending water and controlling metal? Nevermind, he’s drowning

Charles saves Erik! And thus the ship is born. “Erik, you’re not alone.”

Hank Mcoy. They zoomed in on Mystique when he was looking at her. Reading the camera angles...oh please don’t have another romantic set up.

They did the Spiderman/MJ framing with Hank upside down and Mystique very close to his face. Yep, they’re setting up a romance between them that will ultimately go nowhere because again, Mystique will do the do with Azael to get Nightcrawler.

Hank and Mystique have only known each other for like five minutes and they’re already having a picnic on top of a rocket. I hate how romance moves so fast in movies.

And Mystique was going to kiss him. Just...no

Erik, right after he walks in on Hank and Mystique’s picnic: If I looked like you, I wouldn’t change a thing. 

Are they really trying to set up a love triangle between Hank, Mystique and Erik? I know Magneto and Mystique's relationship in the first three movies is close, but that sentence just makes it sound like Erik is jealous.

“Are you sure we can’t shave your head.” “Don’t touch my hair”. I mean he’s going to lose it eventually.

I love the mutant finding montage. Especially the Wolverine cameo

My mom just informed me that the bad bad is played by Kevin Bacon so that’s what I will refer to him as since I can’t remember his name.

These recruited mutants aren’t going to last long. They’ve got the youthful team up energy, they will be the “First Class” hence the name, but we probably won’t see them again after this movie.

Charles, Erik and Moira being disappointed parents. Starting to get a family vibe that we didnt get from the last three movies.

Charles as Erik storms in: I’m sorry, I can’t leave him. They’re gay your honor.

I just realized that Frost is the second right hand woman to have no real costume. She’s just like Mystique where “she must wear the least amount of clothing possible or have no clothing at all when using her powers” I just wish it would stop.

Let’s take the right hand woman who is a telepath with us. What could go wrong?

What is Angel’s motive to go with Bacon, like I don’t get it. And the adaption dude? It’s just a turn on the dime. Nevermind it was a fakeout and one of them died. Knew they weren’t going to last long.

I feel like Chalres trying to shoot Erik as training is foreshadowing.

Training montage

SO Bacon loses Frost and now has Angle as his right hand woman? I honestly didn’t think that necessary.

Welp there goes Mystique and Hank’s relationship. He only liked her when she was in disguise.

Conflicting differences! Finally get to see Erik and Charle’’s view on humans.

Knew it! As soon as Hank dumps Mystique she goes straight to Erik. Because “She MUST be romantically involved.” Why? Why? Can’t she just...not. She doesn’t need a man.

Erik: I want to go to bed. Maybe in a few years. Ha funny.

I get Mystique going to Erik because he accepts her, unlike Hank but again, she doesn’t need to have a love interest.

Suits! But again, miffed about Mystique’s suit not being fully set up. SHE DOESN'T”T NEED TO HAVE HER CLEAVAGE TEASING IF SHE”S GOING TO BE FIGHTING!

Could Charles just stop controlling Bacon, so he can move and Erik wouldn’t have a chance to kill him.

But good cuts between Bacon and Charles.

The boyfriends are fighting!

Oh that’s how he gets parralized. I forgot about that.

Erik really does care for Charles even tho they have different viewpoints

Mystique going with Erik and having Azeal with him is setting up the perfect opportunity for Nightcrawler.

“Gentleman, this is why the CIA is no place for a woman” *Big gigantic crash* That’s what you get for being sexist.

Days of Future Past

So these machines can absorb mutant powers and transfer them to other machines. A new threat.

Oh Charles isn’t dead from being disintegrated by Dark Phoenix

Logan!

Charles confirmed Mystique was like a sister to him.

So Mystique’s dna was the cause of the Sentitnals. I understand that stopping Mystique from shooting the doctor will change that, but also if that doesn’t work they would have to kill Mystique.(which won’t happen because she’s in the next movie.

Charles tells Wolverine that he didn’t have his powers in 1973, but First Class takes place in 1962 where he definitely had his powers. So what happened to Charles that made him lose his powers?

For once the government isn’t targeting mutants

Well one dude from First Class is in this movie, but sadly I can’t remember his name. X-beam guy.

Why is Charles drunk and not parallelized?

Hank still cares for Raven. Guess the love triangle is still a thing

Oh he’s doing the equivalent of mutant heroine to get rid of his powers and walk.

Erik in gay baby jail.

Erik killed JFK?! Why?!

I feel like if Mystique is searching around the office of someone, she should still be disguised as someone so she doesn’t get caught. I get her dropping the disguise to show the audience it’s her and it builds suspense but she would draw less suspicion.

PETER! MY boy!

I love that he talks fast and that’s kinda like a teenager. I don’t know how old he actually is.

“My mom knew a guy who could do that.” They’re not even trying to be subtle here.

Slow mo Peter speed scene! Yes!

Is that all we get of Peter in this movie? I hope not.

JFK WAS A MUTANT?

So Magneto can lift a plane, a submarine, and now a baseball stadium. Why does he need a baseball stadium?

They showed a clip of Peter watching the broadcast and he’s holding a little girl. I’d like to think that’s Wanda.

Everyone’s alive. Yay!

I’ll excuse Jean being alive because time changes and all that. SCOTT! SCOTT”S ALIVE! YES!

Apocalypse

Hey Oscar Issac

Young Scott!

Young Nightcrawler!

Erik went from wanting to kill humans to being a farmer and having a wife and daughter. Still going to end up on the bad side.

Young Jean Gray! Scott and her start out rocky but we know they’re going to end up together.

Knew the wife and kid wasn’t going to last long. Always got to do something that makes Magneto the bad guy

Two birds...one arrow

For this one, I can understand Magneto’s anger

Young Storm was originally on the bad guy’s side.

Scott sees things through literal rose tinted glasses.

I love Kurt.

Scott use to be a rule breaker

At least Storm has a practical costume. 

Also if Erik really wanted to lay low, why did he choose to work at a metal factory.

Pyslocke’s costume isn’t practical. She’s got a boob and butt window. Girl there are so many places you could get stabbed.

PETER!

Charles and Erik always greet each other with old friend

So birdman gets metal armor and the girls get nothing.

Peter slow-mo! This will always be my favorite speedster scene

So the only people that can save the X-Men are Cyclops, Jean Gray, and NightCrawler. Three teenagers with no plan. They got this.

Go Charles! Fighting no matter what.

Logan!

Thankfully most of these characters can’t die.

Pyslocke  and Angel can die but the others all have plot armour

Peter didn’t tell Erik he’s his son. Why?

No not the hair! Apocalypse took Charle’s hair.

Go Peter!

No Peter!

So Charles still has the hair when he’s in Apocalypse's head. Part of me knows it won’t grow back but I hope it does.

Mind fight!

So Erik is on the good guys side until the next movie.

Mystique finally has a good costume design

Dark Phoenix

The dude they got to play Bush doesn't look like Bush

SPACE!

This mission is going to go wrong and the X-men are going to get planned. Thus leading the world going against mutants again.

They gave Scott is own eye cannon, nice

Yea absorbing a solar flare will definitely cause your powers to go way hire

Well the mission didn’t go wrong, the way i thought it would. That’s good.

Charles motives have changed

So, men, supposed gods, robots, and now we’re dealing with aliens

Charles kinda being shown as a bad guy is weird. So used to seeing him have good motives.

The aliens want Jean to use her power to take over earth. Not surprising.

Dad now is not the time to poke the super powered bear

Police always show up at the wrong time

I know Mystique can’t die. This is the prequels

But again, Stop killing female characters to further male character’s development.

Oh there’s Erik. 50 minutes in and i thought we weren’t going to see him

Jean’s got a heat signature with that solar flare so it would be easy to track her.

At least the military decided to fallback instead of shooting

And there goes humans liking mutants. This is why we can’t have nice things.

So Mystique’s death is what sets Erik on being the villain again? It’s the same as a woman losing her husband and becoming a villain for revenge. Honestly I’m tired of love revenge plots.

Guys stop fighting! You’re  friends!

Oh shit! Jean is making Charles walk. And not in the good way.

OH SHIT KURT IS KILLING PEOPLE NOW!

Dark Phoenix. A movie about family.

Legend of the Phoenix. She’ll rise from the ashes.

Bummed Peter wasn’t in this movie more

All in all, Apcolypse is my favorite X-Men movie.

[sharkb0yinthewat3r]

What was coming out like for you?

For years I was closeted and i really didn’t want to do it. I go back and forth between whether or not I thought it was unnecessary or I told myself it was unnecessary so I wouldn’t have to do it. It was probably a little bit of both.

I knew for a while that at the very least my mom knew since she was the only one dropping hints. But if she did so did everybody else. After I was like truly accepting of myself, I really did buy into the narrative that i didn’t need to do it. On one hand I felt like everyone in my family already knew so there was no need to inform them, there was no need to bring it up out of nowhere unprompted, and it’s just ridiculous that that’s something anyone has to do. I’m more than my sexuality and straight people don’t have to come out.

Anyway this ended up being a really long post feel free to read all of it, but the main takeaway is that coming out was scary. Even when I knew nothing big was going to come of it, there’s just like this anxiety I had and I think it’s normal. Im lucky to live a life where I can be myself freely without having to be concerned about repercussions. I would say me coming out to my friends/just not hiding who I was from them was a great experience. My cousins were so great. My mom and my sister, I guess I wish that those had gone better which is crazy to me because they had known the longest and had so long to prepare and just didn’t have ideal reactions (far from awful but it was kinda just like uhhh ok?) and then my dads is probably my favorite bc that’s how it should be for everyone. It was ultimately very freeing for me but it was also like very uncomfortable for me.

My coming out happened in 4 phases:

1. College freshman year: i was struggling with my sexuality after I got my first crush and wasn’t sure whether or not people would accept me and eventually I told one friend that I lived with and he never treated me differently, I think I told three other friends that were girls, but overall it was extremely difficult to communicate for me. I would say that this was a time in which I was still closeted.

2. I now work on accepting myself and don’t really talk about it with people unless it comes up for the next three years. I’m now in my fourth year of college and join an org where I’m placed on a committee that’s essentially 60% gay males 40% straight males (and girls). My goal when joining was just to be open and let people get to know me. I was still middle ish of the road and sorta wanted to be perceived as straight. I think people just kind of started to assume I was gay and it was like “oh I don’t have to think about telling anyone anything or acting a certain way. I can just be myself” and I kinda just let loose and as we started hanging out and going to parties together I was able to open up and be myself judgement free and it was just so much fun and that’s when I like TRULY accepted myself and I was like life should be like this all the time. I can’t believe I haven’t been doing this. This was more of like a me coming out to myself than anything else and showing myself how enjoyable life can be when you don’t bottle yourself up.

3. Same year (after my first semester) Even though I was very open with my friends at school, this was my first time home for a ‘long break’ and I wasn’t as open with my family. Me and my two female cousins went out for a day together in the city and then ended up at a bar where they were talking about the kind of guys they were into and my one cousin mentions that she’s into older guys and I didn’t say anything and then our other cousin went to the bathroom and I was like btw I’m gay and I only wanted to preface that bc when u said u were into older guys I was like legit same I know exactly what you mean. My other cousin came back from the bathroom and then we laughed about it, but they were the sweetest and most supportive I could’ve wanted. I don’t think I’d ever felt as close with them as I did in that moment. They asked if anyone else knew and I was like well my friends but that’s it and they said they wouldn’t tell anyone and I thanked them.

A few nights later I met my sister out at a bar for her birthday in the city. I was hanging out with her friends (who I knew just not on a real personal level) because she was dancing and making out with some guy. This is actually kinda funny. It was winter and the bar was hot so I tied my jacket around my waist (as I often do bc that’s just typically part of my look, kinda like a staple of mine tbh) and her friend is like “ryán why are you wearing that around your waist, go put it in the coat check” and I was like no thanks like I really don’t mind having it on my waist, I like the way it looks and I honestly don’t wanna pay and she’s like “you have to check it, any girl who walks in here and sees a guy with a jacket around his waist will not want to get with him” and I looked at her and laughed and was like “lol ok well that’s fine because I’m into guys anyway” and she was taken aback like “OH” and I was like lol r u surprised and she was like well your sister just never told me that and I said well idk why she would, like for one I’m not sure why that would be a topic of discussion between the two of you and for two I haven’t told her anyway. She and my sisters other gay friend practically forced me to tell her the entire night and I was like um ok. And then my sister got mad at me for telling them before her and made it all about herself and I was drunk crying running to the bathroom lol and she followed it up with SO MANY questions and was like you gotta tell mom and dad we talk about it all the time. And I was like 1. No I don’t, if they wanna know they can ask me I don’t care 2. That’s kinda fucked up that you guys talk about me and my sexuality all the time behind my back?? 3. If you just said u all know why do I have to tell you. There isn’t really more to the story there, it was her telling me to and me saying no.

4. It is the 2019th summer. Id thought many times about telling my parents I wanted to go to pride and just like ended up saying nothing. Fact of the matter was that I wasn’t proud and honestly even if I wanted to go I didn’t know who I’d go with. My parents are VERY religious and when I was younger I had heard my mom express worry about a girls mother after the girl had come out as a lesbian l o l. Years go by and my mom got me a pamphlet for the lgbt center mixed in with a bunch of other papers when I moved in my freshman dorm, said a lot of encouraging things to me like telling me “you can date anyone you want” and asking me about my love life (this kind of stuff happened between stages 1 and 2). Nothing was explicitly said but I think we both silently acknowledged it. She even asked about one of my gay friends bc I think she thought we mightve been dating (between stage 3 and 4) which we were not and never have hooked up or anything. Honestly I knew they’d be supportive and I knew they weren’t going to kick me out, I just didn’t know how they’d honestly and truly take it. And by the time that I didn’t give a fuck about how anybody “took” the “news” I was aware that they knew and subscribed to all the beliefs that I listed above. If they wanted to know so desperately they could ask me. At this point I wasn’t even trying to hide it. A guy kinda fucked me over right before school was over and I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking how I was and why I sounded meh and I just told her guys suck without trying to get into it. Anyhow picture this, straight pride has just been confirmed for August 2019. Gays are distressed everywhere. Can we not have one thing??? I share a post to my insta story stating something along the lines of “straight pride isn’t necessary and you should be happy you don’t need it. LGBT people need pride because we still don’t have equal rights and people get killed every day for being a part of this community and people get kicked out of their homes for loving someone, etc.” and I guess my mom saw it and was like that was an interesting post on your instagram and I was like lol ok thanks. (She had thought I didn’t think I was safe in my own home and that’s why I wasn’t coming out) And she’s like is there something you want to tell me? And I say is there something you want me to tell you? And she says only if you want to. And I say “what mom do you want me to tell you I’m gay? Like it’s not a secret. I know you know and everybody else knows.” We went on a walk and she said some highly questionable microaggressions but meant with overall support. At this point though like I already accepted myself so I could just roll my eyes and be like lol whatever you don’t get it.

Then my dad comes back and she calls him to the kitchen and is like I think you should tell him now. And i was like gurl what? This is so out of nowhere and so ridiculous. You’re really going to do this after we just had an hourlong discussion on why I didn’t feel the need to come out. And my dad comes in and is like what’s up and I say hey just so you know I’m gay, ok? And he says ok.

[anarcoqueer1994]

Be My Beard?

A story about the Kippen family being terrible and homophobic and Amber and TJ being the best disaster gays.

(Please be kind, wrote this post seizure today so my brain is being wonky <3 )

TJ and Amber Kippen were gay. Very gay. But neither teenager was out to the family. Of course they knew the other one wasn't straight, they could never keep anything a secret between each other. But the thought of telling the whole family scared both of them.

A few years back, when Amber was in the 8th grade, and TJ was in the 6th, an incident happened that freaked them both out. They were having Christmas dinner with their parents, both sets of grandparents, and a bunch of aunts, uncles, and all their kids. Amber recently figured out she was a lesbian. She had told TJ and of course he was supportive and excited for her. But neither could predict how their family would react. And they needed to know before Amber came out, and even though he hadn't said it out loud, before TJ came out.

So at Christmas dinner she decided to test the waters to check how they would react. Amber casually said, "This girl in my class just told everyone she was a lesbian, isn't that so brave of her?" She muses.

Her aunt Robin on her dad's side was the first to speak up. "All these kids think they are gay at your age, sweetheart. She will figure it out." 

Out of the corner of her eye a few people nodded. But then it goes back to general talking and laughing at the table. But Amber and TJ needed to know more. So TJ decides to poke a little further. Over the voices around him, he says"But what if she doesn't 'figure it out?' What if she does only like girls the rest of her life? What if that makes her happy?"

Amber and TJ's grandma(on their mom's side) gets a very serious look on her face. The room is silent and awkward. She stares at Amber for a few moments, as if she was trying to calculate something. Then she turns to TJ, giving him a similar look. Finally she breaks her silence and coldly says, "Well then I would remind that girl that maybe she should think about what that would do to her family and friends, and that she should figure how to keep those feelings under control. It is all for the best...." She put on a sweet smile and quickly adds, " Hypothetically, of course." 

Then, just like that, everyone goes back to talking and laughing. No one bothered to defy her or what she said. Both Kippen siblings are left staring into their plates in quiet worry the rest of the night.

In the year that followed, both of them learned to 'hide' from their feelings, even denying the truth from each other. 

"Ambs, What are you doing going out with this guy, Jonah?" TJ asks, while sitting on her bed, as she does her hair for school.

"I happen to really like Jonah." She says in a voice that is uncertain if she is trying to convince TJ or herself.

"Don't lie to me, I know the truth. You have become colder to people, especially other girls. And you have become so clingy and possessive towards Jonah. You are pretending to be someone you are not. Amber, no matter what grandma says, it is okay if you are a les..."

"You don't know anything, TJ!" she cuts him off. "Don't start with me. Don't act like I don't see how much more of a jerk you have become since last year at Christmas. You have been trying to act like this hotshot, super 'manly' jock with a bad attitude to hide the fact that you are gay."

TJ quickly gets up and heads to the door. "Whatever Amber....I'm not gay. " He slams her door.

And it was like that for a while. But then they meet Andi and Cyrus, and both of them knew they were fucked. 

Amber first saw Andi when the other girl was talking to Jonah. Right away, Andi made Amber feel weak in the knees. Amber was terrified that Andi would bring out the feelings she had been working so hard to suppress. So she responded to those fears by purposely being as cold as possible to Andi and clinging tighter than ever to Jonah. But then she and Jonah broke up and even more surprisingly, she and Andi became friends.

There were some hiccups along the way in their friendship. There was the time at the ferris wheel. Most people assumed she left because she was jealous of Andi being with Jonah. In reality, she was jealous that Jonah was Andi's choice and not her. 

Then there was the warehouse party. That night she held Andi's hand for the first time. She remembers looking into Andi's little Bambi eyes and melting. That scared her. So soon, she took the opportunity to get close to Jonah again. He was her disguise. That's why she pushed so hard when they were dating, tricking herself into believing that she loved him so no one would suspect that she was a lesbian.

But always in the back of her head was Andi. So when she and Jonah broke up, it was almost liberating. She and Andi got closer and at Andi's party, they danced and her heart felt like it was going to pound out of chest. Then less than a week later, Andi texted her, asking her to meet her at The Spoon. That night Andi asked her out and against her better judgment, she said yes. They have been together ever since, a little more than a year now.

The other Kippen sibling was just as powerless against love. Cyrus gave him the courage and freedom to be himself, if only to just their friends. So both Amber and TJ were with people they loved who loved them back. Unfortunately...they had to keep it a secret to everyone but their close friends to negate the risk of their family finding out.

This was working out fine for a while. Their parents just assumed that Cyrus and Andi were their friends. But one day towards the end of TJ's freshman year, their plan started to crumble. Their grandparents were over and the family was catching up in the living room. The conversation was innocent enough until their parents leave the room and their grandma started asking about their personal lives. There grandfather sits obviously on the couch next to her.

"So tell me about what is going on in your lives?" She asks, looking between her grandkids. "Anything special? Anyone special?" She smiles.

Both kids look uncomfortably at the ground so she pushed on, in a faux sweet voice. "What about that girl in your class, dear? Remember the one you told me about a few years back?" Looking at Amber. "Did she ever figure out that this gay thing was a phase?"

They both knew what she was implying. She wanted to know if they were done with this "phase." They weren't dumb. She may not know specifics but their grandmother had a hunch and it scared them. Amber looks up quickly to meet her grandmother's eye, as awkward silence filled the room. She cleared her throat. "Yeah, she did. She even has a boyfriend now." 

"Oh, she does?" Their grandmother grins. "So what about you two? I know, Amber, you must be beating guys away with a stick." Then their grandfather speaks for the first time. "And TJ, must be like me back in the day. You are a real lady's man, aren't you?" The old man smiles.

TJ doesn't know what came over him but he finds himself speaking up. "Actually, I have a...." he suddenly forces himself to pause, his senses coming back to him. 

"A what dear?" The older woman asks.

"Um, a girlfriend." He lies through his teeth.

"Oh really? And what her name?"

TJ panics. He did not think this through. Amber looks over and sees her brother's look of fear and worry, so she steps in.

"Teej's girlfriend is wonderful! She's actually my best friend, Andi."

"What about you Amber? Do you have a special guy?"

"Uh yeah. His name is...its Cyrus. He's a boy in TJ's class." TJ is dumbfounded, looking at his sister as he tries his best to play along.

Their grandmother looks absolutely giddy. "I must meet them! You should bring them to family dinner on Sunday!"

"What?!" Both siblings say in unison.

"Yea, bring them to dinner this Sunday!" Their grandpa agrees. Every Sunday, they and their parents go to their grandparents house for dinner. But neither of them expected them to invite Andi and Cyrus.

Amber stutters "But aren't those special family time?" 

"Nonsense!" Their grandma exclaimed. Right then their parents return. She turn to their mom, her daughter. "Kim, I told the kids they can bring their special people Sunday." 

Their mother turns to them. "I didn't know you kids were dating anyone."

"Um, yea mom. I am dating Andi, Amber's friend. And you know how close Cyrus and Amber are." TJ tries to play off.

"That's so exciting!" She squeals. "Definitely bring them."

The kids groan internally knowing there is no getting out of this now.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

So that is how they ended up at The Spoon, nervously waiting for Andi and Cyrus. They sat on the same side of the booth, so when Cyrus and Andi walk in, they scoot into the other side across from the Kippen siblings. Both teens immediately notice the look of apprehension on their SO's face.

"What's going on guys?" Andi asks cautiously.

"Yea, you guys are scaring me." Cyrus adds, Andi nodding her head in agreement.

Amber lets out a dry laugh. "It's actually a funny story...um well…." TJ nervously smiles beside her. "We need you guys to be our beards this Sunday." She finishes.

"What do you mean, Ambs?" Andi reaches her hand across the table to grab Amber's.

"I, um, mean that our grandma came over the other day and started asking all these questions and we kind of ended up lying to her and she thinks Cyrus is my boyfriend and you are TJ's girlfriend. Then she told us to invite you guys for dinner. So we need you guys to help us to pretend to be happy straight couples for one night."

Cyrus and Andi share matching faces of shock. Cyrus says "You guys know how crazy this sounds, right?"

"Cy," TJ says pleasingly. "Our family isn't like yours or Andi's. Our parents, and especially our grandparents, are so anti-gay." There is almost a shared pain in the Kippen kids eyes as he speaks.

Cyrus' voice softens. "I know, Teej. I'm sorry. I will do it, if it will help you guys out."

Amber looks at Andi. "Bambi? What do you say?"

Andi smiles at the blonde haired girl staring at her. "Of course. I still think it is crazy but anything to help."

In that moment, TJ and Amber knew how lucky they were to have such amazing partners. The rest of the night was spent planning for Sunday. They needed to get everything right.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

The night they had been dreading finally arrived. They were having Andi and Cyrus meet them at their grandparent's house right before dinner. They figured, the less time they had to act out this charade in front of their family, the better.

Dinner was set to start at 7, and like clock work, Cyrus and Andi show knock on the front door around quarter til. When the kids open the door, Cyrus has a bouquet in his hands. He hands it to Amber and says "My lady. " TJ laughs to himself at the obvious show Cyrus is putting on. 

"Thank you, Cy." She smiles. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Andi wink, tipping her off to the fact that Andi picked those out. She blushes at that thought. Just then their grandfather walks up and slaps his arms around his grandkids' shoulders. 

"See TJ, that's how you treat a lady." He smiles and jokingly continues to TJ, "This young man is really showing you up bringing  flowers for Amber and you didn't get anything for this beautiful girl." He motions to Andi.

"What can I say. Grandpa? Cyrus really knows how to make a girl happy. " All four kids crack a knowing smile at the absurdity of it all.

"Well let's get you kids out of the doorway. We are about to eat." Amber and TJ nod as their grandfather speaks.

TJ moves forward and puts his arm around Andi's shoulder. They both try to look as if this is normal but aren't quite sure they are convincing. TJ hurriedly walks her to the table. Amber grabs Cyrus' hand and follows her brother and girlfriend.

They quickly sit around the long table. Andi and TJ on one side, and Amber and Cyrus on the other. The adults filled in the spaces in between as the begin to eat. It isn't long before their grandmother starts interrogating their "dates." Their parents stay quiet for the most part, letting their grandmother lead the conversation.

She starts with Andi. "Andi, that's an interesting name."

"Yeah, I guess." Andi awkwardly replies, not knowing what to say to that.

"A girl with such a unique name must have an exciting life. Tell me about yourself, dear."

"Well, I go to SAVA and focus on painting and sculpture. But I also love photography." Amber looks intently on Andi as she speaks. The way she always does, like she is holding onto every word. 

"Really?" Their grandma seems genuinely interested, as well as the other adults there. There dad asks, "What is your favorite thing to photograph?"

"I love doing candid shots of people, like I got this really great shot of Amber a few weeks ago." As soon as she realizes what she said, she freezes.

But it doesn't seem to phase anyone. Their grandfather says "Doesn't surprise me, our Amber could be a model. Isn't that right, Cyrus?" He elbows the brunette boy next to him, smiling. 

"Yes sir. She is beautiful." Cyrus smiles before taking Amber's hand over the table. What no one sees is he and TJ playing footsie across the table.

TJ gets the hint that he should probably say something. "Andi's pictures are amazing. She has these great pictures of all her friends. Like there is this really good one of Cyrus on the swings and it's like black and white. It's such a good picture." Andi smiles.

"Teej, you know I hate that one." Cyrus replies.

As if she was speaking for TJ, Amber replies "You know how much I love that picture. You look so cute." TJ looks down and smiles to himself. 

Their grandmother clears her throat. "Anyhow, what about you Cyrus? What do you got going on?"

"Well, I write for the school newspaper and am in the drama club."

Mrs. Kippen, their mother speaks for the first time all night. "I used to write for Grant's newspaper back in my day. What do you write on?" She grins.

"Mainly I'm assigned sports, specifically basketball related news since I am at every game anyhow."

"You like basketball?" Their grandfather questions.

"Not really sure. But I understand  it a lot better now. I am at all the girl's games because our friend, Buffy is on the team. And of course I am at the boy's games because of TJ." Their grandmother shoots him a questioning look.  "You know, Andi is my best friend so of course she drags me along to see her boyfriend play." He says, saving them from an awkward situation.

Dinner continues on without any more close calls. The teens all play their part well. That is until desert. Their grandmother brought out a decadent pie she baked. Everyone was welcome to cut off a slice. Cyrus goes to cut a small slice, when the knife slips, cutting his finger. He hisses in pain as he brings the finger to his face to examine the cut.

Without thinking, when he sees Cyrus hurt herself, TJ blurts out. "Are you okay, Muffin?" The room goes silent and TJ's heart drops.

His grandmother coldly asks "Why did you just call this boy, muffin?"

TJ looks down before saying, "I need to go." He dashes out of the room and to the backyard. As he does, Amber notices the look of sadness and fear in his face. She has now switched to full on protective sibling mode. Meanwhile Cyrus, without hesitation goes after him.

The old woman turns her attention to Amber. "What is going on?" Their parents look at the girl in equal confusion.

Amber takes a deep breath before standing up from the table. Andi looks at her, waiting to follow her lead. "Grandma, I know you know what is going on."

Her grandmother plays dumb. "What are you talking about?"

"Come on, it's the elephant in the room that none of you want to talk about. I see the way grandma and grandpa look at me and TJ." She turns to her parents. "I see the way you two look at us, so how about you ask me?"

"Ask you what, young lady?" Her mother replies.

"Ask me if I am a lesbian, mom." Her mother turns away, refusing to meet her daughter's eyes. Andi takes this as her cue to walk around the table and stand behind Amber, ready to be her support.

Through clenched teeth, Amber commands again. "ASK ME IF I'M GAY."

Her grandmother speaks next. "Don't  talk to your parents like that!"

"Well then, how about I talk to you like that,  then?! Grandma, you know the truth! I see it in your eyes. You know what I am. What TJ is!"

"Amber! Calm yourself!" The older woman replies. "We are not going to discuss this! You have no idea what you are talking about!"

"Yes, we are!" The blonde explodes. Tears mixed with anguish and rage stream down her face. "I'm tired of not talking about this! I'm tired of pretending! You need to accept that you have two QUEER grandkids." She turns to her parents. "You have two QUEER kids." Neither of her parents look at her. Her grandfather stares at his plate. The only person staring at her is her grandmother.

In a calm, icy voice, the woman speaks. "You are a disgrace. This behavior is embarrassing and honestly I feel bad for you. You are so confused." Amber freezes, hoping her parents stand up for her but no one speaks. Tears fall harder.

No one, but Andi. Andi grabs Amber's hand. The younger girl says defyingly. "Amber is the best person I know. She loves harder than anyone I know. She puts her heart out there and trusted me enough to protect it." Andi smiles softly before her features contort to anger as she stares at the adults around her."She deserves the world, not a family who treats her like this. I never want to see her cry, especially at the hands of the people that should love her the most."

The room is quiet. Andi starts to pull Amber to the backyard where the boys are.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Meanwhile, Cyrus had followed TJ outside. TJ slams his fist into the banister on the back patio. "Fuck. I messed up everything."

Cyrus comes up behind him and wraps his arms around the older boy. He rests his head on his shoulder. "You didn't mess up anything."

"Cy, I slipped up. They are all going to know." His voice cracks.

"You are fine, Teej. They are the ones who forced you to lie."

TJ looks down trying to hold himself together. Cyrus slips his hands off TJ so he can get to the side of him so they could look at each other, with TJ turning his body so they staring face-to-face. When he sees the fear in TJ's face and eyes, polluting every beautiful part of him, it breaks his heart. They both hear yelling from the inside. Amber is confronting the family.

"Oh god…" TJ says guiltily. "I just left Amber in there to deal with this. Now I'm an even bigger fuck up."

Before Cyrus could answer, they hear Andi defending Amber and TJ smiles if only for a moment. Cyrus whispers, "Hey you know the same goes for you too. You don't deserve to have your family hurt you. You deserve only love." Cyrus promises. Instinctively, TJ buries his face into Cyrus' shoulder as the brunette wraps his arms around TJ. 

Just then, Andi and Amber walk outside. Andi is holding onto Amber like she is trying to keep the other girl from falling into pieces. They step closer. "Cy?" Andi asks.

"Yea?" Cyrus whispers in return. 

"Let's get out of here. I think we all know they aren't sleeping at their house tonight." 

 

Cyrus nods. That night, all 4 of them had a sleepover at Andi's. They weren't sure on the plan for the next day. But that night, all that mattered was being together.

[ayellowcurtain]

Finding Polaris - Chapter 5

Finding Polaris - Chapter 5 

Disclaimer: none of the pictures are mine (just the lame edit with their two pretty faces)

And it’s my first cover! I guess it’s not terrible.

-----------------------------------------------------------

It was a long, mostly sleepless night for Lucas. He can’t be sure because he couldn’t see Eliott’s face but he was also restless all night long.

It’s his aunt’s wedding tonight and he didn’t tell Eliott about it yet. The original plan was to just go by himself, play a few songs and enjoy the party, then he met Eliott and the plan turned into going there, spend a few hours with his family and rush back to Eliott’s arms. But now he wants Eliott there with him, can’t afford spending hours away from him while he has a choice.

He can’t help a dumb smile on his lips thinking about Eliott wearing formal clothes, meeting his mom and his family. Eliott is so incredibly handsome, he’ll be the main subject of the wedding after the bride and the groom.

Lucas closes his eyes when he notices Eliott finally moving, rubbing his eyes. He can feel the bed moving and Eliott is looking at him, coming closer.

“I know you’re awake, stalker.” Lucas frowns, opening his eyes.

“How did you know ?” Eliott laughs and Lucas comes closer, putting one leg around his waist, pulling him even closer, resting his hand on Eliott's chest.

“You barely slept tonight. What are you thinking about?” He puts one hand on the small of Lucas’ back and the other one on the top of his head, combing his hair, looking at his fingers running through the strands on hair.

“We need to talk…” Lucas looks down, his fingertips touching the small tattoo on Eliott’s chest.

“We do?” He just nods with his head, thinking about how to say it and what Eliott’s reaction will be.

“I have a wedding to go later today. That’s why I came here. It’s my aunt’s wedding and I took the opportunity to come a few days earlier to relax a little...And I want you to come with me, if you want to.” Eliott smiles, pressing his hand against Lucas’ back, pulling him closer and Lucas hooks his leg perfectly around Eliott’s waist.

“You sure you want me there with you?”

“Yes.” Lucas looks up to meet his eyes again and he doesn’t seem bothered or insecure about it. Eliott's eyes are still soft and inviting.

“Ok. I’ll go with you. But I need to buy clothes.” He talks so easily about it like he really wants to go. Lucas looks for any doubt in his expression for another second, he doesn’t want Eliott to feel uncomfortable but he seems ok with it.

“Ok. We can go shopping.”

-

Eliott is taking forever inside the fitting room. He tried a bunch of clothes but he didn't seem happy in any of them, even though he looked fantastic in all.

Lucas could tell that he was getting a little anxious about deciding which one he should buy so he helped him and the final choice was black trousers, a black button shirt and a leather jacket that he really wanted.

“Are you ok in there?” Lucas decides to ask, getting up, stopping close to the door and Eliott instantly opens it, looking like a scared wild animal holding his purchase on one hand.

“Yeah, sorry.” He smiles but it doesn’t go all the way to his eyes like usually happens. Lucas stands on his tiptoes, putting his hands on Eliott’s chest, kissing him softly.

“We’re done now. It wasn’t that bad. And now we can go back to the hotel! We can eat a little, spend some time together, take a shower…” Eliott tries another smile, nodding his head and putting both hands on Lucas’ cheeks, kissing him again.

-

Deep inside Eliott notices his feelings creeping up on him, very slowly climbing to the surface, making everything black and numb.

He wanted to go to this wedding with Lucas but now he doesn’t want anymore. There’ll be a bunch of strangers in there, in a small place, drinking and partying the night away while he doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t feel like doing anything right now.

He’ll meet Lucas’ family and they’ll look at Eliott and see how Lucas deserves better. Even if he's just a plus one to some aunt’s wedding he doesn’t really care about. Lucas is also nervous, biting his nails while putting his fancy clothes on, looking at Eliott through the mirror.

“You don’t want to go.” It’s not a question and Lucas can read him so well it’s the weirdest thing. But he needs to go, needs to man up for once and do what others expect from him.

“I want to, it’s just hard to get out of bed and put clothes on when there’s a hot guy as you right next to me, putting his fancy, sexy clothes on.” Lucas exhales relieved, turning to really look at Eliott, putting his black suit and it fits him perfectly. Eliott needs to get up and put some clothes on or they’ll be late. He needs to try harder.

And so he does, doing everything consciously or he would let his body take him back to the bed and stay there for days.

-

“Can we hold hands tonight or we’re just friends?” He asks and Lucas stops buttoning up Eliott’s shirt, looking up.

“What?” Eliott tries to give him a smile but it doesn’t work again.

“Can we hold hands tonight?” Lucas seems upset by the question, finishing his task and stepping back before answering.

“Yes, of course, we can, if you want to.” He can only force himself to nod, pulling Lucas closer again, kissing him just to make the other one happy and soft again and it works, Lucas melts into him like he always does and he seems to forget about the question.

-

Eliott is trying to play his uplifting and social self while walking around the place, constantly holding Lucas’ hand or at least his index and middle finger when they walk to the bar or to get more food.

The ceremony was beautiful, Lucas told him that he knew how to play the song on the piano and Eliott didn’t even know he was able to play the piano.

Apparently, Lucas thinks he was invited just to play at the party. He doesn’t really see his family, everyone sort of disappeared when Lucas’ parents got divorced and he’s used to it by now, couldn’t care less about his family but his aunt acted like she cared enough and even paid for his trip to the wedding so he accepted.

It seemed like a fair trade: to play a few songs in exchange for a train ticket and some money for the hotel and free wedding food that Lucas is indulging in a lot. Eliott isn’t hungry, just drinking a few beers and Lucas doesn’t complain about his lack of appetite, he's too worried about the time.

The dinner was already served, everyone was starting to get drunk and his aunt was looking around, probably searching for him.

“Shit. Guess I have to go.” Lucas buttons up his shirt again, putting his suit as well, putting a hand on top of Eliott’s, caressing the back of his hand. “You’re gonna be ok here by yourself? It’s just a few songs and then I’ll be back and we can go back to the hotel.” Eliott just nods, trying to smile for the third time to Lucas and he gets a quick kiss on the lips as an answer.

“Good luck.” He manages to say before Lucas leaves him by himself at their table. He manages to finish his and Lucas’ beer while he watches the other one walking to the small stage, fixing his clothes and hair.

-

For the first time, Lucas feels in control. These last couple of magical days with Eliott were all about doing what the other one suggested. He had just as much fun but he wanted to show Eliott how happy he was to spend this time with him and to take him as his plus one to the wedding.

He’ll have to go back to Paris in a few days and they didn’t talk about it and he didn’t think about it until now, on his way to the piano. Lucas doesn’t know what will happen, he doesn’t even know if Eliott lives in Paris as well.

It’s been such a long time since he played the piano for the last time but he thought about which song he wanted to play. He still knows a few songs but he needs to play his favorite one, it’s powerful and until today that was it, but now it has a different meaning to him. Even if they don’t have time to say it or to explain their feelings, he’ll show his to Eliott.

Lucas sits on the bench, pulling it closer to the piano, breathing slowly, trying not to fuck everything up. He looks back one more time where he left Eliott. He nods quietly trying to give Lucas some type of reassurance. Eliott is still alone at their table so that’s good. Nobody went to sit with him and talk about Lucas being gay or something stupid like that.

Eliott looks like a God wearing all black, everything fits him perfectly. His pupils were still blown when Lucas left him a minute ago, maybe it was a bad idea to smoke on their way to the wedding but they were both nervous and a bit shaky and Lucas couldn’t think of a better opportunity to finally smoke Arthur’s weed. Eliott also seemed relieved to have something to smoke and make them relax a little bit.

Every girl and some guys around their age attending the wedding seem to be looking at Eliott but he never leaves Lucas’ eyes, biting his nails.

He’s with me tonight.

Lucas forces himself to look at the piano, forget about everyone else but Eliott. He puts his hair back, touching the keys quietly for a second, making sure that it’s there and it’s happening, praying that everything will go perfectly.

The room slowly goes quiet, you can only hear whispers and a few chairs being dragged against the floor and someone coughing. And then he starts playing.

Soon he’s letting himself be pulled by the music and the notes, thinking about what it all means to him right now. His heart is racing, his body is overheating but it feels good, like certainty about his feeling and about his company tonight. Eliott.

-

Eliott is having a very hard time. He’s exhausted, maybe the lack of sleep from the past days are catching up to him. He doesn’t dare thinking about his medication left behind in Paris. It’s probably still on his nightstand, staring at his empty bed for days, blaming him again for forgetting about getting the small flask before leaving the house.

It’s been years and he still forgets about it. Maybe deep down he hopes he’ll be able to live his life without having some kind of drug controlling him when he doesn’t feel like being under control.

He’s never been as happy as he’s been these days hiding from everyone else. He’s with Lucas and that’s all that matters. But he’s aware of the thousands of messages unread of his phone, the missed calls and the voice messages that Lucille left him. She can’t leave him alone. Ever.

The moment he saw Lucas on that train station he knew his heart was taken. By the most beautiful human being and he couldn’t fuck this up, not today. At his aunt’s wedding.

Eliott could easily marry Lucas right now. If it was the hardest decision of his past life with Lucille it would be the easiest to just marry his boyfriend tonight and spend their lives together, running away all around the world, constantly traveling, tasting the best food, sleeping on the most comfortable beds, making love every night.

He thanks the waiter when he finally brings more drinks, putting it on the table, taking the empty dirty plates and cups with him. Lucas is still playing so Eliott empties the new drinks, putting the empty cups back on the table. He can feel his hands cold but sweaty and his body buzzing with energy. He can’t wait to go back to the hotel.

Lucas is suddenly by his side, the live music stopped playing, he looks around and the other guests are still applauding Lucas but everyone is moving around close to the dance floor to join the newlyweds.

“Can we go home ? I don’t feel good.” He manages to explain, already getting up, feels like the world is spinning around him. Lucas frowns, nodding and coming closer, hugging him by his waist, guiding him out of the party.

-

“ Cause it's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice

Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you”

He whispers against Lucas’ ear making the other one laugh, holding his waist tighter. They’re out of the party, walking on empty streets to their hotel.

“How much did you drank while I was playing ?” Lucas teases him and he just rolls his eyes. He’s not drunk.

“Not enough. I’m not drunk, I just think this is a party song and it fits the moment.” He shrugs, holding Lucas tighter. He’s trying very hard not to ruin his night, his vacation. If they were married, he would have to tell Lucas everything.

He knows about him being bipolar but Eliott is not sure if Lucas understands what it means. He’s definitely not ready and he doesn’t have to be, Eliott wants Lucas to be happy, not a worrier that would become his nurse and he would lose interest in Eliott.

“ If we wake up and you want to break up

That's cool

No I won't blame you

It was fun, Lucas .”

“That’s not how the song goes.” Lucas comes closer again, hiding his face against Eliott’s neck, kissing it and putting both arms around his waist to steady the other one.

“I don’t know. I want this song to play at our wedding.” Lucas makes them stop, looking up. Eliott can see him again, his cheeks starting to blush and he’s trying to hold back a smile.

“So we’re getting married ?” Eliott frowns, putting both hands on his face, brushing his lips against Lucas’.

“Of course we are. A big fucking wedding. I wanna marry you, Lucas.” Lucas looks up to meet his gaze, he opens his mouth a few times but never says a word. “I would marry you right now if you wanted as well.”

“I-We can get married sometime in the future.” Eliott chews his bottom lip, stepping back and starting to walk again, finally arriving at their hotel.

Lucas is still looking at him, trying to ask for forgiveness without saying and without needing to apologize. Eliott is stupid for even talking about marriage when he left his ex when just the idea of getting engaged to her became a reality.

“Eliott…”

“Don’t worry, Lucas, it was just a stupid idea.” He locks the bedroom door after Lucas, taking his new clothes off and leaving in a pile right next to the door, he’s exhausted.

“I-I like you. Really like you.” Eliott passes by him on the way to the bed, taking his underwear off when he’s under the covers, Lucas is still where he was a minute ago, looking like he’s about to cry, ashamed.  

“You don’t have to. I’m a whole lot of problems and it’s so fucked up, no wonder why you wouldn’t marry me, I get it, I know I’m asking too much. I need to sleep, we’ll talk later.” He doesn’t let Lucas answer him, making it clear that the conversation is over when he covers himself completely with the covers, trying to stay still so Lucas won’t bother him.

The room is silent for a long time, Eliott is trying to keep his breathe slow so he won’t start sobbing and call Lucas' attention to come see what’s going on. The other one finally moves, walking around the room but Eliott doesn’t bother looking what he’s doing, he closes his eyes, trying to fall asleep for a little. Soon it will all be over and Lucas won’t even remember they existed.

And Eliott will be the one thinking about it while he walks up the aisle to marry the girl he doesn’t want. He finally closes his eyes, hoping to be able to fall asleep tonight.

[archivistsrock]

I finally got to see Papi Chulo this weekend! I never thought the day would come! lol. I swear, it's been like a million years since it first was at TIFF.

Here’s the trailer for the movie:

General impressions: I really liked it! It was playing at a theater that was over an hour away from me, so I didn't want to ask any of my friends to go (they aren't Matt fans. I mean, that makes it sound like they don't like him, which isn't true...they're just not FANS). So I dragged my mom with me LOL. She's a trooper. Anyway, because I dragged my mom there, I was a little preoccupied the whole time wondering/worrying if she was bored. I really need to just go to Matt movies alone so I'm not focused on the enjoyment of the person I'm with. I worry too much.

But anyway, it was good! It was sweet and sad and funny. It was a little slow-paced, I would say. But not necessarily in a bad way. There are a few things that are revealed during the movie that makes things more impactful. I knew about them beforehand, bc I'm a slut for spoilers ha, but probs would have been more impactful if I hadn't known.

Matt is really good in it. I adore his character (Sean). He's just a really nice guy. Well-intentioned. Obvs has some flaws, but who doesn't? It's nice to have a movie where almost every scene features Matt. <3  Alejandro Pitino was also great in it. And Janet from The Good Place is also in it! lol.

To be honest, I don't really see it as a "buddy movie," which they seem to kind of be marketing it as. Mainly because the friendship is really one-sided. Ernesto maybe "gets along" with Sean, but I think it's a big stretch to say they're friends. The movie is much more about dealing with loss and loneliness than about friendship, and of the importance of real human interaction. By nature of Ernesto being an immigrant, the movies touches on some issues related to that, as well...but I don't see them as nearly the main focus.

I had kind of stopped reading reviews about the movie bc, tbh, I was just super annoyed that I couldn't see it. After viewing it, I went and read the more critical review on The Wrap [x]. And honestly? She's not wrong. I think some of her critiques are a wee bit harsh, but overall I can't really argue against most of her points. That said, I definitely don't think the movie is OFFENSIVE. But I do get the criticisms and why some people may not enjoy it. But I really did.

Okay, now I'm going to get really detailed and spoilery by request, so stop reading if you haven't seen it and don't like being spoiled! I warned you!

Okay, here's a run-down of the movie -- as detailed as I can get, considering I saw it 4 days ago and tbh my memory kind of sucks. It starts out with the clip we've all seen of Matt doing the weather forecast and having a breakdown on air.

Go to 6:35 to see that clip below:

He tries to claim it was "gastro" related, but obvs no one buys that. They force him to go home and take a leave of absence to figure things out and get better (istg they later refer to this as "gardening leave" and is that a thing in some places??? Like, you get leave to work on your garden?? OKAY I just looked it up and LOL it's just a term for someone still getting paid after they're suspended or on leave or terminated. It seems to be a British term. Must have come from the director, who's Irish. Or have other US-folks heard this term?). Anyway, back to the movie.

So he's at home. Nice house. Good view of LA. Lots of coyotes howling at night.  He's arranged to have a couple people come by to pick up this rare tree that's on his deck, that belonged to his ex-boyfriend, Carlos. He keeps calling Carlos and leaving voice messages. "Hey, just letting you know I'm getting rid of your tree." Etc. So they drag the tree away and we notice that when Carlos painted the deck, he didn't bother moving the tree, so there's a big unpainted circle in the middle of the deck. "Typical Carlos..." So Sean drives to the small hardware store to get supplies to fix this.

Outside the hardware store, there are a bunch of Latino immigrants/laborers hoping to get hired by people to do...home improvement/handy man stuff. Sean sees Ernesto and seems preoccupied/interested in him. Ernesto, as you know, is an older more burly Latino guy. Sean goes into the hardware store are talks to an employee about paint for his deck. "I just need a small amount to cover a little spot on the deck." "Aren't you going to paint the whole deck so it blends in?" "Haha, I see what you're trying to do there. No, just the tiny-ass sample can please."

So he gets home and starts painting in the circle, and it's painfully obvious he'll need to redo the whole deck, since all the rest of the paint has faded. So he drives back to the hardware store and is like, "Yeah, so I know I ignored your advice before. Sorry, I'm dumb." He buys more paint and a bigger brush. So he drives home with all his stuff, again passing the laborers and looking at Ernesto.

Once home, he checks his email and there's messages from his friends about how he's doing -- presumably since his break-up with Carlos. He's been avoiding his friends, and they're telling him he needs real human interaction and should talk to someone. He has kind of a light bulb moment and drives back to the hardware store and pulls up alongside the Latino laborers. He's like, "Hey, I need someone who can paint." A bunch of them are kind of in his face about it, wanting to be hired. Ernesto is just hanging back, quiet. Sean points to Ernesto and asks if he can paint. He's like "Yes. $20/hour." "Great!" (although Ernesto speaks little English and Sean speaks little Spanish, so it wasn't that easy). So Ernesto gets back in the car and they drive to Sean's house.

He kind of reminds me of me during this part, because he hired Ernesto to work for him, but when they're getting out of the car and Ernesto gets the bag of paint, Sean is like, "No, no! Let me get that!" They go back and forth a bit, but Ernesto ends up carrying it. Anyway, I always feel weird having people do things for me, even if I'm paying them. So he shows Ernesto the deck and we get the other scene we've seen before. The "more than one day" scene. "Mas que un dia."

Sean is all like, "Do you want water? Food? Are you okay?" etc. Ernesto is kind of amused but also just like...leave me alone and let me work. This is weird. I don't understand anything you're saying.

Sean goes and gets lunch and  brings it back and yells out to Ernesto, "Lunch!" Ernesto is like...okay. Time to eat, I guess. And sits down on the deck and takes something wrapped in tinfoil out of his bag. Sean is like, "No! Inside! I brought lunch for us!" And it's like this whole big spread. Some type of Asian cuisine. I can't remember which, but Ernesto picks up an eggroll and is like, "Taquito!" lol. You can tell Ernesto is a little uncomfortable with everything, but he's also just like...rolling with it. Okay, you're paying me. I guess we're eating lunch.

Then Sean convinces him to leave with him and they go to a park and Sean wants to go out in a rowboat. Sean wants to row, but Ernesto is like, "Yeah, I'm not going in there with you unless I row." So he ends up rowing. Please note, that all this "conversation" is not as smooth as I'm writing it! Ernesto really doesn't get much of anything Sean says. Anyway, Sean treats the rowboat ride like he's in therapy. He just starts spilling his feelings and issues out to Ernesto. Ernesto just nods like, "Yeah, okay." At one point, I think he does say something like, "I don't understand anything you're saying." Sean is like, "I feel so much better just saying this stuff out loud!" He falls asleep in the boat, and Ernesto calls his wife and is like, "GUESS WHERE I AM?? IN A FUCKING ROWBOAT WITH THIS GUY." His wife is like, "Ha! He's gay and he totally digs you." Ernesto is like,"Yeah, he's gay. But he doesn't like me. I'm old. I'm fat. Why would he like me?" His wife is all cute and is like, "I'm a woman. I know these things. He's into you." Then Sean wakes up so Ernesto hangs up the phone.

They get back to the pier and the rowboat operator guy says, "I like this whole "Driving Miss Daisy" situation you guys have going on!" Sean gets pissed and is like, "What do you mean?? We're friends. Why would you say it's like "Driving Miss Daisy"??" The operator guys gets all uncomfortable and is like..."Umm...because he's rowing you around....?" So Sean is pissed that the guy assumes he paid Ernesto to row him around. But also like...it's true. As much as Sean is annoyed that the man is making that assumption, they really aren't friends. The only reason they're there together is because Sean is paying Ernesto. So he then drops Ernesto back off at the hardware store at the end of the day and is like. "Tomorrow? Here at the hardware store?" "Okay." Then he pays him the money he owes him and they part ways.

I don't recall exactly the timeline here, but at various points throughout the movie, Sean is scrolling through Grindr, or whatever hook-up app it is he's using. He's also shown lying in bed at night and is tortured by the sound of coyotes howling.

He picks up Ernesto the next morning and is like, "We're hiking. Not painting." So he takes him to Runyon Canyon to hike. On the hike, Sean keeps talking talking talking and Ernesto is still like, "Okay, I have no idea what you're saying." At a scenic viewpoint, they're looking out at the city. Sean casually asks where Ernesto lives, and this kind of freaks Ernesto out. Like "Why do you want to know??" Sean's like, "Oh, I'm just curious!" Anyway, he points and says the general area (I can't remember which town/neighborhood it was). While they're standing there, one of Sean's friends sees them and comes over. He volunteers to take a pic of the two of them, and when he does, he says, "Cute couple!" Sean starts to correct him but then doesn't. Ernesto doesn't say anything, obviously. The friend then invites Sean to a party he's having the next evening. Sean does learn a little about Ernesto throughout the few days together. He learns he's married and has kids. He sees a pic of them. Honestly, that's about it.

Ernesto calls his wife from here and again is like, "Guess where the fuck I am now?? HIKING. Yeah, it's pretty." But he actually feels guilty for getting paid to go on hikes. His wife is like, "Whatever. He's paying you. Cool beans." Sean then takes Ernesto to a health market and wants him to try a shot of some gross health drink. He takes a sip and is like, "No. This is disgusting." Sean's like, "Yeah, you're right. It's horrid. But it's healthy and I'm drinking it bc it cost a shit ton." Oh, while Sean was buying the drink, one of the store employees went up to Carlos and handed him a bunch of boxes because he thought he worked there. He got him mixed up with another Latino guy working there. Awkward. White people are dumb.

Sean drives Ernesto back the hardware store and is like, "Okay, tomorrow. Meet you here. Also, we're going to a party later that night."

I don't remember the next day very well. I assume maybe Ernesto did some work? Not sure. Anyway, they then go to Sean's friend's party together. It a big party of all gay men. Ernesto gets kissed on the mouth (not in a sexual way) by one of Sean's friends. He obvs feels a little uncomfortable. Mostly bc he doesn't know any of them and I assume can't communicate with them. He doesn't seem to have a big issue with gay guys. Whenever Sean's friends see Ernesto, they're all like, "Oh, I get it." We later see Sean's phone contacts and a pic of his ex Carlos, and he is also an older, burlier Latino man. So clearly, Ernesto reminds Sean of Carlos. Now we understand his...obsession? Fixation? Attachment?

Ernesto calls his wife from the party is is kind of freaking out about it. "A MAN KISSED ME ON THE MOUTH." But his wife is like, "Dude, have fun." So he seems to have a decent time. Then they leave the party in a Lyft and there's a pretty great scene where Madonna's "Borderline" comes on the radio and Ernesto is like, "Hey, I know this song!" So they drunkenly sing it together in the back of the Lyft. The Lyft stops at the hardware store, and they're both sitting in the back of the car looking at each other. Sean looks a little confused as to why Ernesto is sitting there looking at him. He then leans in to kiss Ernesto, but Ernesto is like. "No! I'm waiting for my money." The Sean's like, "OMG yeah. Sorry." And he pays him and Ernesto gets out. Then the Lyft takes Sean home.

We then see Ernesto make his way home. He has to take a couple buses. He finally get home and we see his house and his wife. It's a pretty nice house. Normal, I mean. Not Sean-level nice. His wife is awesome. Ernesto is like, "Honey, you were right. I am irresistible." "I told you I knew!" Then they go to the bedroom to presumably have sex.

The next day, Sean drives to the hardware store but none of the Latino guys are out there. He's confused and asks someone driving by where all the men are, and the guy's like, "It's Labor Day, you fucking idiot." So Sean drives home. He gets drunk and ends up inviting a guy over from Grindr. He quickly gets in the shower (shower scene!), and ends up falling in the shower while holding a glass and cuts himself a bit. Then the doorbell rings so he gets out. He answers the door clothed, but wet. The hot guy is like, "You're wet." "I just showered." Sean invites the guy in and asks if he wants a drink. "Not at this hour." (early) "No, no...just like...water?" Sean turns to pour a glass of water and hot guy strips naked in the kitchen. Sean turns and sees him and is like, "HOLY SHIT!" and drops his glass. He goes down to pick up the glass, and pops back up all bloody. His head is cut, his hands are cut up. The naked guy is just like.."Are you okay?? Are you drunk?" And is kind of legit concerned for him. Sean is like, "No! I'm fine!" Naked guy is like, "Um, I got naked because I assumed we were going to...?" Sean is like, "Listen, can we just talk?" Naked guy puts his clothes on and is like, "You need to get your shit figured out. Only you can make yourself happy." Then he leaves.

At some point...today? Tomorrow? Yesterday? I don't know, but at some point he goes back to the news station to be like, "Hey! I'm ready to go back to work!" His boss shows him the video of his breakdown that's on youtube. AWKWARD. And they're like, "It's been 4 days. Leave." So he does.

He calls his ex Carlos to say...something. But instead of getting his voicemail, he gets a message saying that the number has been disconnected. He freaks out and calls someone and asks the lady on the phone why the number was disconnected. "Why wouldn't we disconnect it? Carlos has been dead for 6 months." :O So now we learn that Carlos isn't an ex...he actually died 6 months prior. So this is why Sean is having such a hard time. There's then these flashback scenes from previous moments in the movie. We see Sean in the rowboat talking, but he's alone. We see him hiking and talking to no one. At first I was like, "Did Sean make Ernesto up??" But no, that's not it. I think this was just supposed to represent that Sean was using Ernesto as a stand-in for Carlos. He felt so much better those two days talking to "Carlos," but Carlos wasn't really there. He was still alone. Ernesto isn't his lover, isn't his friend. Just a guy he hired. [I think? Anyone else have other interpretations of this?]

The next day he goes to pick up Ernesto and he's not there. He tries asking the other men where Ernesto is, and they're basically making fun of Sean. "Hey, I'll go on a boat with you!" Word has got out that Sean is having Ernesto do all this weird shit. I think Ernesto's wife was talking. Sean seems to frantically need Ernesto. He drives to the town where Ernesto said he lived (population of like 60,000) and just starts asking people if they know Ernesto. Some kid steals his phone and whacks him over the head with his skateboard. Sean goes into a bar and gets wasted. He then sees a guy go into the bar that he recognized as Ernesto's brother-in-law from a pic Ernesto showed him. So he follows him to a house, and there's a Quinceanera going on. I guess Ernesto's daughter?? But I didn't remember him having daughter that age, so I could be wrong. idk. Anyway, Sean drunkenly crashes the party. They dump him in one of the kids' bedrooms where he passes out. He wakes up later and slinks out.

Time has passed during the next scene, and Sean is back at work, but makes an announcement that this is his last weather report. He's leaving. We don't know where or for what. But we had learned earlier while he was talking away with Ernesto that he doesn't even like being a weatherman and he actually hates the weather in California. So it seems he's moving on. He seems much healthier. He write Ernesto a letter apologizing for crashing the party, saying how ashamed he is and that he was going through a tough time.

Sean's at home and the doorbell rings. He goes to the door and it's Ernesto's son (like 8 years old??). Ernesto comes out of the truck with painting supplies. The kid acts as an interpreter. They go up to the deck and Ernesto starts working. Sean is like, "You don't need to do this! Why are you finishing the deck?" Ernesto is like, "Because you sent me $200 with the letter." Sean is like, "No, not to finish the deck! For room and board!" He sent him the money as an apology for crashing the party and for them letting him sleep it off in their house and for some food they left out for him. Anyway, they start sanding the deck together (Sean is a terrible sander). Ernesto is like, "You're not paying me!" They laugh. Movies fades to black.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 411

This week, on Outlander: Claire carries all of the water for Jamie! Lord John can’t decide if he’s dumb and creepy or a cool dude! Roger is still my designated tea refill break! Bree is back to being the worst! Murgsali remains the best!

It’s week two of my drunk recaps being done while not drunk *shakes fist at the concept of Dry January* and my willpower is being aggressively tested.

I hate this fake-out with Roger as much as I hate the fake-out in ep. 1x03 with Claire and Mrs. Fitz.

Are we going to get Roger back at the stones and his decision to stay and him being recaptured and stuff next week? Or are we just going to pick back up at the village and we just need to fill all that in ourselves? Tbh, I almost would have preferred Roger just not being in this episode...

Oh the title card... Bree is suddenly now a great artist! (Seriously, how the fuck did she never draw Roger at any point before Rogergate happened?! Like, cool if you don’t want to share who raped you, literally this whole thing could have been avoided without sharing that tidbit if Jamie KNEW WHAT ROGER LOOKED LIKE. Oh, thanks for the heads up, Lizzie, but it turns out that the guy you saw is Bree’s boyfiend. I punched him for leaving her, but it turns out he’s just a dick, not a rapist.) (Second week in a row that I’ve made that typo. It’s like even my subconscious doesn’t like Roger.)

And Bree loves drawing the enslaved people on her great-aunt’s plantation! Which she apparently is totally cool with!

Also, Bree says Aunt wrong. It’s a minor thing but one that is driving me up a fucking wall every time she says it. (People in Massachusetts say it like Ahnt, not Ant.)

Geez, Lizzie, Bree doesn’t need to easily forgive Jamie. Jamie doesn’t deserve to be easily forgiven. Honestly, Lizzie is the least to blame for this whole fiasco. She saw a dude being rough with Bree and then the next time she saw Bree was post-rape. Jamie was a complete prick to Bree, beat the shit out of a random guy without letting him get a word in edgewise and had his nephew get rid of him. And then didn’t fucking tell Claire, who probably would have put two and two together, about it. Fuck that guy.

I simultaneously can’t believe and 1000% can believe they read this shit heap of a story line and were like “Yep, this is great stuff! Let’s definitely spend half a season on it!”

ROLLO! THE GOODEST BOY!

Ugh. Young Ian being like “Oh hey, Auntie Claire, how about you go do the emotional labor of making Jamie feel better about being a fucking dumbass!” Hard pass, Ian. Hard fucking pass.

So here for Claire’s “what you *both* thought.” Like yep, Ian, you’re at fault too. I know you love your uncle, but you gave that whole big speech at River Run about being your own man and yada yada, so maybe fucking own your part in this. You didn’t fucking have to sell a guy into fucking slavery. BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT AS MUCH TO BLAME AS JAMIE. FUUUUCK THAT GUY.

Also, Jamie, you dumb fuck. You should have been fucking groveling by now. You get no points for keeping your distance. Nut up and mea culpa the shit out of this situation.

Honestly, if they wanted to make the show just about Fersali and Murtz, at this point I’d be totally on board.

Wait, so Fergus has been unemployed this whole time? How the fuck have they been living for the past year then? What happened to his job at the printer? I have so many questions...

So Bree, who grew up in civil rights era Boston and had a Black roommate, is totally just chill about living on a plantation and being waited on by enslaved people? Like, we’re not going to mention this at all? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also like fucking mother like daughter. She’s like “Oh hey, Phaedre, I’m going to draw you. Sit there. No, I’m not going to ask if you want to be drawn. Or take into account what Jocasta might do to you because of my decision to make you not be doing what you’re expected to be doing. Like my Mom did with asking you to call her by her first name, I’m just gonna disregard what the consequences might be for you because treating you like this will make me feel better about myself.”

Maria Doyle Kennedy continues to be awesome.

"Sorry! Did I wake ye?” I love Marsali so fucking much.

I really like them giving what was a convo with Jenny and Jamie about Ian in the books to Marsali and Murtagh about Fergus. But man, women do so much of the emotional labor in this fucking episode. Marsali is running a house, caring for a baby and risking having a wanted man sleeping in her kitchen but she also has to like fluff the pillows for Fergus’ feelings.

Yes, I know that spouses should support each other and be there when the other one needs something. But since we see so little of Fersali now, we’re not seeing this as a two way relationship. Just Marsali doing it for Fergus.

That being said, I do think it’s very sweet of Marsali.

“If I wanted him shot, I’d do it myself. And it wouldna be Fergus I’d take aim at first. He doesna put his boots on my blankets.” I just fucking love her so much, y’all.

Does Murtagh know who Marsali is yet though? Does he know about Jamie marrying Laoghaire? Were we robbed of the glorious Murtz reaction we could have had? Le sigh. If I had a drink, I’d pour one out...

Oh hey, Gerald. Is your name going to stay Gerald? Or are you randomly going to start being Neil in a couple seasons?

“Have you been enjoying your time at River Run?” “Yes, I love River Run. I love living with a bunch of racists, benefiting from the enslavement of Black people. I never once bring up how uncomfortable I am, or even look like I’m uncomfortable about the situation. I am not at all morally conflicted about my current situation. Everything is totally cool.”

I raged a lot during ep. 4x02, and honestly that rage all still stands.

Oh hey! John Grey, Lord of Convenient Appearances is back!

Fergus talking to Germain is my everything. “It seems there are some here who do not appreciate your contribution to the cause.” *swoon* I can’t wait for him to teach his lil dude the fine art of pickpocketing...

I LOVE THE FERGUS AND MURTAGH RELATIONSHIP A LOT AND I’M VERY GLAD THEY’RE GETTING SCREEN TIME TOGETHER.

BASICALLY I LOVE MURTAGH’S RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE.

I JUST LOVE MURGSALI OK.

Bree’s like that obnoxious college freshman who comes home on break and is like all insufferable because they took like one intro to psych class and now want to like diagnose everyone they know with random shit.

“Must I close my eyes when you are before me?” “Yes.” Well played, Bree, but I still do not like you at all in this episode.

Man, 18th century tinder fucking sucks.

I know this show isn’t subtle at all, but jfc, they’re like punching us in the face with the judge being gay. 

Bree, Claire and Betty fucking Draper should start a club for women who drink like fish while preggo.

Ok so I’m on board with the convo with LJG and Bree about his vision or whatever, but then it crosses over into creepy later on in the episode.

Can Lizzie please fuck off already? She’s annoying af.

Also, she blurts out that Bree’s pregnant but managed to keep it a secret that Jamie kicked the shit out of a guy for weeks? I’m calling shenanigans on that.

I get that the convo with John and Bree about Jocasta trying to marry off Bree to some rando is supposed to like be clearing up the handfasting is marriage vs. not marriage thing that the show can’t make up its mind about, but it still bugs me, tbh. A lot.

I still am lowkey annoyed that they expect us to be so invested in Roger and Bree when they did like nothing to build up their relationship before it went to shit (both times). Like, you’re lazy when it comes to your characters, show. You’re doing a bad job. If no one is invested in the characters then all the plot in the world won’t make the show good.

The amount this show relies on book readers backfilling shit is absurd.

Jocasta, as a woman and figure in society, is a far more understandable giver of this speech about Bree needing to be married than Jamie, a dude who can have her live with him in his and Claire’s house in fucking bumblenowhere backwoods. But still, WHY DON’T THESE FUCKERS JUST TREAT HER LIKE SHE’S MARRIED. SHE TECHNICALLY IS. SHE’S HANDFAST. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF THERE WEREN’T WITNESSES. NO ONE IN CROSS CREEK KNOWS THAT. PEOPLE WILL JUST ACCEPT WHAT YOU TELL THEM. I HATE THAT ALL THESE FUCKERS WON’T PUT THAT TOGETHER.

Ok, cool that Lord John is getting some action, I’m am 10000% here for him to be happy with a man who actually wants him back instead of creepily pining over Jamie forever. But FFS YOU ARE NOT STUPID. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BANGING THIS DUDE IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY?! YOU ARE A VERY CAREFUL PERSON. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE GAY. YOU FUCKING GOT SHIPPED OFF TO ARDSMUIR BECAUSE OF RUMORS ABOUT YOU AND HECTOR. YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK.

All that aside, I totally ship John and the judge and they should totally be boyfriends and bang a lot, but FUCKING NOT IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY OF SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY LIVE IN A HOMOPHOBIC AF SOCIETY.

Ok, fuck Brianna for this blackmail bullshit. Fuck her so fucking much. She is the literal worst right now. Like are you fucking kidding me, Bree?! You’re garbage. I know this shit is in the book, but fucking christ. It’s bad. Fucking have Bree talk to John like “Look, my aunt is trying to marry me off. That fucking hobbit is going to propose as soon as I go back inside. I don’t want to marry him, you know I’m waiting to see if my parents can find my quasi-husband. Can you please do me a solid and say we’re engaged so people leave me the fuck alone until my parents get back?” We *know* John would say yes to that, because he eventually fucking goes along with it for THAT EXACT FUCKING REASON. SO WHY ARE THEY HAVING FROM-THE-POST-STONEWALL-FUTURE BREE THREATEN A GUY WITH THIS SHIT. SHE KNOWS HOW QUEER FOLKS ARE TREATED IN HER OWN FUCKING TIME, AND THIS IS THE PAST AND THE PAST IS THE FUCKING WORST. FUUUUUUCK HER.

“That sounds like a threat.” BREE, YOU DON’T GET TO BE BUTTHURT ABOUT BEING THREATENED WHEN YOU LITERALLY JUST TOLD A GUY YOU WERE GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE, YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE.

“I wouldn’t have said a word to anyone. I’d just threaten you with your worst fear. Because I’m a raging asshat.”

It’s creepy af that they’re like talking around John being in love with Jamie. I honestly hate that part of John so fucking much. Like he could be such a great character if they could fucking lay off the him pining over and being weirdly possessive of Jamie shit.

Ok, so with Bree now just telling everyone that it was Bonnet who raped her it’s really coming off that Jamie’s manpain was the *only* reason she didn’t tell anyone but Claire before. Which is so fucked up! She was raped! Fuck Jamie’s manpain! If she wants to tell people, she should fucking tell people! Sorry not sorry, but if you were brutally raped and possibly impregnated by some fucker and you want to let people know who it was because it turns out he’s a fucking sociopath, that fucking trumps “oh, my bio dad might feel icky about it.”

“The union of our families is a blessing to us all. Except for the second someone better comes along. Because omg he’s a *lord*! Bye, Neil. Go have yourself some second breakfast.”

Oh fuck you, Jamie. You don’t get to be butthurt at Claire. Claire didn’t beat the everloving fuck out of some rando at the word of a maid, send him into slavery and then keep it a fucking secret. Also like, why the fuck did he even keep it a secret from Claire?! Why not do what Bree did and tell Claire but have her not tell Bree? And he’s still keeping him asking Murtagh to track Bonnet down from Claire. Seriously, fuck Jamie.

Oh Rollo, this isn’t Terminus. We don’t eat people in this show.

I literalol’ed at them pulling an Everest and using a dead body as a wayfinding tool. Probs not the reaction they were going for.

“He is... very much like his father.” DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD, JOHN.

"Good doesn’t come into it. I love him more than life itself.” I love the convo about loving a kid even if you’re not the bio dad, but this “It’s only new because there is hope.” bullshit while they’re sitting on the FUCKING PORCH OF A PLANTATION, LOOKING OUT AT ENSLAVED PEOPLE WHILE THE REST OF THE FAM IS OFF LOOKING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED ON THE LAND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, IS SO FUCKING TONE DEAF IT HURTS.

“I was upset, but not with you.” Uh, Claire? YOU SHOULD BE UPSET WITH JAMIE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE UPSET WITH JAMIE.

I get Claire’s reasons for not telling Jamie. I think Bree should have told Claire to tell Jamie since it seems like her only hesitation for doing so was Jamie’s #feelings. And I 100000000% think that it makes *zero* sense that she never told Jamie what Roger looks like. But Claire is doing way fucking more than her share of apologizing here. JAMIE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE DOING THE BIG DRAMATIC APOLOGY. THIS IS LIKE 99.7% HIS FUCKING FAULT.

I HATE ROGERGATE SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Frank made plenty of mistakes.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING CENTURIES, BEAUCHAMP.

Aaaand then they couch it as an “all parents do” thing. BECAUSE OH NO, CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE WAS AN ABUSIVE JACKASS. NOPE. CAN’T DO THAT.

This show is fucking *killing* me with its refusal to make the male characters accountable for their actions. 

And then we get the same sex scene we got in the premiere. Because even though Jamie and Claire get freaky in oh-so-many different ways in the later books, the show has decided that from now on they need to be vanilla and boring. I mean, in the book this bit is described as fierce with blind desperation. I know I always say I want them to deviate from the book, but ffs, I didn’t mean make all the sex the same when the situations and emotional states of the characters when they’re together are very different...

And no, Balfe, I’m not a “horny granny.” (Seriously, fuck her for that comment, tbh. I know what she was probably trying to say, but word choice, Caitriona. It’s fucking important.) I’m not watching this show for the smut. But the core relationship, what’s supposed to be the heart of the show, is now monotonous af. 

Jamie and Claire as characters have always been a couple who express themselves passionately and physically. But now suddenly they’re just like soft af all the time? Where’s the fire? Where’s the spark? You don’t need to have nudity to show passion, show. I’m not asking for a parade of boobs and butts. (If there was contractual stuff involved with that for actors or whatever, more power to them.) But ffs, the show is managing to make me bored with the main fucking ship.

And then Roger gets the shit kicked out of him again and I’m here for it.

Because I still don’t like that guy.

(But seriously, framing the various Native American tribes as the “bad guys” is getting old af.)

[tisfan]

Ooohh holiday prompts! Either 'invitation' or 'parade' for Winteriron please!

“Hey,is this Bucky Barnes, from Bucky’sBroken-heart Blog?” the voice onthe phone was chipper, excited, and spoke as if the guy had drunk entirely toomany venti frappes in a row.

Bucky held his cell phone away fromhis ear for a moment to glare at the screen. What the hell? Okay, so his phonenumber technically was listed in the bio section of his blog, but who the fuckever looked at that, and for that matter, why the hell was someone calling himabout his blog? Most people who bothered to call him were bill collectors andhis mom.

“Yes?” Bucky said.

“You sound uncertain,” the mansaid. “You answer ‘how to get over your ex’ letters on the internet?”

“Yes,” Bucky said, again. That muchwas true, he did do that. It had started as a joke, really, him screaming intothe void about his journey to get over Alexander Pierce, and then later makingdark humor jokes about his ex, and then later, answering self-help sort ofquestions from other people with similar problems.

He’d ended up being able tomonetize bitching about Alex in a public forum, and somehow, that had ended upbeing the best revenge ever.

“This is Tony Stark, DJ with WBAC,the Wayback FM, 98.3 on your dial for your smiles,” the man said, “and I’d loveto have you come in for an interview on our morning show, for the localcommute… we’d compensate you for your time, of course.”

Bucky held the phone out again,stared blankly. “Did I get an invitation to do a radio show? Is that what thisis?” Did people even listen to the radio anymore? Bucky was a Pandorasubscriber, and his friend Steve was constantly arguing that Spotify was betterif you liked Indie bands. (Bucky didn’t, really. He liked music that he wasfamiliar with, so he could just tune it into the background and sing, insteadof having to look up lyrics online – and while he was thinking about it, hefelt bad for people who used to listen to the radio before the internet, andmaybe he should be jotting these things down, because music was a big thing inboth relationships and post-relationships, and there were certain songs he’dlistened to after Alex proved himself to be a cheating bastard of a boyfriend…and maybe he should pay attention, because the guy on the phone was asking ifthe call had been dropped.)

“Sorry,” Bucky said. He wasn’t,really. Who the hell talked on the phone these days, either? “I got lost in myown thoughts.”

“Oh, well, that happens to the bestof us. Anyway, come on down to the studio – is Wednesday two weeks fromtomorrow too early –” pause “–great, we’ll do that, Wednesday at 6am, andwe’ll work you in. Compensation, I said that, right? Write you a check and feedyou donuts. Great! See you then!”

Bucky sighed. Apparently he wasdoing a radio interview. At least he probably didn’t have to dress up.

Turned out that Tony Stark, themorning DJ, was actually pretty funny, even if Bucky resented the fuck out ofhaving to get up early in the morning to listen to the show. (What the fuckeven was morning? He was a blogger for fuck’s sake. He didn’t do mornings!)He and his co-host, Pepper Potts, did a rapid patter that was entertaining andslick. And, a point in the station’s favor; they didn’t do the typicaldumb-guy, smart-girl routine. In the days that Bucky managed to wake up enoughto listen to the show, Pepper definitely came across as the sane host, and Tonywas the crazy guy who was up for anything, but neither of them wascondescending to the other, even in jest.

Tony did have a group of excitablefans that called themselves the Tony Stark Defense Squad; every day that Buckylistened, at least one of them called in to the show, usually to gush about anevent Tony had attended, or how sweet, smart, and brave Tony was. There wassome history there that Bucky wasn’t getting, obviously.

And there were no punch-down jokes,which Bucky appreciated. He’d had his entire sexuality made out as a punchlinefor a lot of his life, so not hearing any cracks on women, gays, people ofcolor, etc, made him pretty happy. (Well, as happy as he could be at seven inthe damn morning. Tony better have quality donuts. And coffee.)

By the time Bucky was ready to goon the show, he had to admit, he kinda had a little bitty crush on Tony Stark.Which was entirely doomed, he knew that. Everyone had heard the phrase “a facefor radio” and Tony probably didn’t look anything like what Bucky wasimagining. And, of course, the real Tony probably wasn’t much like radio Tony,even like Bucky wasn’t entirely like his blog persona.

The one who had his life togetherand who dared to give advice as if he was qualified for it. But whenever hisreaders wrote to tell him how much just having someone that listened, andcared, about their heartbreak, helped them, he couldn’t give it up. No matterhow much of a faker he felt he was.

He arrived at the station, day ofthe interview, a little early. He wouldn’t confess under threat of torture thathe’d mapped out his route twice on google maps, and had made the drive once,just to make sure. Bucky didn’t usually… go places. He had his routine downthat included getting a local service to deliver his groceries (he bought wayless Twinkies if he didn’t walk past the display, not to mention chips andstring cheese.) and going out maybe twice a month to anyplace that wasn’tClint’s house, or Steve’s place, or sometimes he did things with Nat when shedecided he needed some sort of cultural exposure, but she always drove for that.

“Hey,” Bucky said to thereceptionist, a skinny kid with a large nametag that read Peter.“I’m James Barnes, I’m here for–”

“Yeah, yeah, Mr. Barnes, I know,I’ve been waiting for you, thank God you’re here, Mr. Stark’s been climbing thewalls, well, you know, not literallyclimbing the walls, but… let’sget you down to the white room and we’ll do some quick publicity shots whileyou’re still fresh. Mr. Stark tends to frazzle people, so just– yeah, thisway, come on…”

Peter led Bucky down the hall to aroom with a huge light-box. A woman with a comb and a makeup kit did a fewquick adjustments before Peter shooed her away with a “photoshop is a thing!”admonishment. He took a few dozen pictures, headshots, and dynamic poses andthen had Bucky jump into the air a few times to get “action” shots.

Bucky was panting for breath and alittle sweaty by the time Peter directed him to Studio Four. Of course. He wasabsolutely not at his best when he was introduced to the most beautiful manBucky had ever seen.

Why the hell was this guy a radiodisc jockey? He could have been a movie star. Perfect face, gorgeous hair,adorable little goatee. And oh, holy fuck, when he turned around to introduceBucky to the co-host, Pepper, Bucky’s gaze was drawn down to the most beautifulass in history. Like, there should be a monument to that backside.

Pepper, when she shook Bucky’shand, smiled, her eyebrows up, as if she knew exactly what Bucky was thinking.And didn’t exactly disapprove.

“Welcome to the morning show,” shesaid. “Sit down, I’ll get you a donut. Here, look over this list, Tony’s selecteda bunch of breakup songs to play around your interview, let me know if any ofthem are triggering for you, and I’ll strike it off the list. We’ll be on afive minute delay during the interview, so if there’s a question you’reuncomfortable with, or something you don’t want to talk about, just say so, andwe’ll delete that. We’re here to promote you, and entertain our listeners, notmake anyone unhappy.”

“Does everyone around here drinkhigh octane?” Bucky whined, just a little bit plaintive. There was way too muchawake and go-go-go for this early in the morning.

“Yes, yes, we do. Coffee is awonderful thing, divine invention and all that,” Tony said. He pressed a cupinto Bucky’s hand. “And here’s yours. I don’t know how you like it, but we’vegot all the fixings back here. And you’ll sit there; chocolate donut okay? Ofcourse it is, what kind of heathen doesn’t like chocolate, well, aside fromPep, but she’s every sort of heathen, so that answers that question.”

“Yeah, okay, chocolate, yeah, that’s…you’re fine, I’m–”

Tony smirked. “I know I’m fine,” hesaid, winking. “You’re not so bad yourself. Next time, warn a guy, like wow. Iwas expecting a little more basement dweller, little less underwear model.”

“Tony,” Pepper said, shoving herco-host playfully. “Do not flirt with him.”

Tony pouted, giving Pepper, andthen Bucky, an enormous set of brown bambi eyes. Bucky could absolutely havedrowned in those eyes. “Why not? He’s cute. I want one.”

“Well, you can’t have one,” Peppersaid, firmly. “He’s a guest, stop bothering him.”

“I don’t get an opinion, here?”Bucky asked. He couldn’t help grinning. It’d been a while since anyone flirtedwith him at all, much less someone as knock-out gorgeous.

“See? See, it’s fine, we’re fine,come on, interview first, flirt later. Flirt during. Something. We’ll figure itout.”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, okay. Flirtduring. That’ll be good. I’m off my game here, so by all means, let’s get meall flustered during my first official live broadcast.”

Pepper laughed. “Okay, you’ll dogreat. And I’ll just… stay out of the way.”

Tony flicked a switch in the boothand Little Mix’s Shoutout to my Excame on. “Good lead in, don’t youthink?”

“Sure,” Bucky said.

“Great. Sit down, get comfy, andwe’ll get started,” Tony said. 

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Do you remember?

😳 I don’t think you remember the “exact moment” I felt a spark for you. You A.D.D. mf)

But yea, I had a crush on you since then.

I made a sad cover of “Sprung” by T-Pain the night that I realized I actually did like you. And that I was ok with it. I had finally accepted it. I fell for my coworker who was already in a relationship. But that was late of January 2019.

I think we had this conversation in December.

Right around the end of Fall Semester at the college bookstore.

I remember I walked over to the unofficial, packing table that was placed right before you to get to the bookshelves of all this many textbooks that I never gave a fuck about.

We were unpacking boxes of school supplies for inventory with a few others.

I started grabbing some boxes while you said “Hey, what's up?”

And Then I probably awkwardly, “Alright, How’s it going?”

I don’t know why I was nervous around you. Probably because this was our only other time we had to talk other than those last 2 that made me very uncomfortable and confused. 

(I used to be so jittery around that time, because I hated being the newbie, in a new place with a bunch of people I didn’t know. I was shy, silent, observant and goofy awkward if someone tried to talk to me. I avoided being in view of conversations because I hated being in the center of attention. It was too uncomfortable. )

Convo #1

The first day we met, was my training day with another new girl named Nicole.

I had asked you and her for your names as I introduced myself

And I noticed your voice was a lot deeper than I expected it to be? Compared your soft white-like pale skin. I thought you were Latino-mixed. I had no idea that you were black, too. (omgg this sounds so racist typing this shit out loud lmaooo wtf) You kinda sounded similar to my cousin Joq, who’s a firefighter.

I seemed a bit taller than you, but your brown hair was kinda cute. It was like a curly top with a faded cut on both sides. Your natural Brown hair was my favorite on you. Cause’ sometimes I saw speckles of light brown, gold, and grey when you were outside or took pictures in the sunlight. You seemed chill, and you had these cute fluffy cheeks like they were freshly made dough covered in baker’s flour. Like right before they toss it up in the air to make it bounce.

Plus, I didn’t know if you were a girl or a boy. Or just a girl, who like dressing up like a tomboy. Because you had very pretty eyes. And I didn't notice any facial hair.....but no I wasn't looking hard at your face. It was just stuff I remembered to look back on later on that day. I didn’t want to ask, because one, thats none of my business and two, I couldn’t make eye contact with you. It just didn’t seem right at the time. I glanced, but not too hard because eye contact still makes me uncomfortable to this very day.

I had asked you if you could show me how to clock-in, how to post a timeline thing for the store’s facebook out of curiosity because I saw you do one, and I didn’t know how to put the size tags on the hooks of the hangers....which was new to me too. You seemed a lil tight lipped, so I probably thought I should stop asking you for help. I didn’t know you preferred being called “they” until that one girl with shaved head, I think Jordan, had answered my question about you being a guy or a girl. I wanted to know, but I wondered if I was like that, I would have assumed someone was being too nosy or judgmental. So I didn't speak to you about it until later. Also, you had a very intimidating smile. Maybe it was because I had never seen you smile with your teeth out unless it was because you were laughing at a joke I made or something weird I said.

Convo #2

I don’t know how it started, but I was readjusting clothes to put back onto their hangers and I saw you were in between register 2 and 3. This was the first time I had found out you had a girlfriend....who also worked at the same store....fucking kill me.

Because she started to walk in, and then you yelled to me, “Do you got a bae?” from across the counter I was standing at. And I said “Huh? No”

In my head, Im like why are you asking me that? But then as she came into your view you said “Cuz I got a bae.” And she came behind the register where you were at to clock in and you ignored me and greeted her with a kiss. Then you pointed at her and said to me “That’s my bae.” 

And I looked at you so confused like....you fucking weirdo.

And this all happened within a span of like 8 seconds or so....

It was like you were so curious to know if I was single or not, because later on you had asked me again like as if you had forgot, 

“Do you got a bae?” 

“No.”

But you said it so quick it was like weird because it was in passing that you asked me that again. Like how could you forget that you asked me that? And why were you asking me that if you had a girlfriend already? Were you trying to set me up with someone else? I didn’t want any trouble with you, so I kinda backed off from you because one, I barely even knew you to have that kinda question answered. But me being in shock that you asked, made me blurt out no....like nooo wtf I wasn’t supposed to answer. I used to stick to my morals, tough.

OK>>>SO BACK TO WHEN MY CRUSH STARTED

We were unpacking boxes, greetings...

You asked me “Where you from?” And somehow we were talking about how weird and thirsty it was for Bella to make a set of her phone number out on paper for her to pass to all these college guys. You said it was because she liked getting guy’s attention. And I said yea with all those business cards. 

And then somehow the topic of Bella’s sexuality had us talking about our own. 

You had asked me if I was gay and I hesitantly said, “I wasn’t sure.” Cause I wasn’t sure if I wanted people know that I was at least bicurious because of my mom. My dad eh.... I was more afraid of her ever finding out. Also, because I honestly never quite had the chance to officially know, I had only looked at certain girls in that certain way unless I had gotten to know them a little better, if I already knew they was gay, or I was just watching lesbian porn. I especially like tongue kissing videos the most. Idk why tongue sucking make out vids was such a clit boner for me. Especially when they suck each others....hold up back to the story 🤣.

But then, you told me that the first time you lost virginity was in third grade. You said “I think about sex all the time.”

And this is where I said “Oh,” because it wasn’t like you were casually saying this. Your eyes changed. 

They grew so full, so big and so dark, I didn't even know why you were looking at me like that and how the fuck did you make me so fucking scared and aroused all at the same time. Like I said “eye contact makes me uncomfortable” (It was an adrenal thing...I think. Lets just say anxiety for rn.)

Especially when it looks like a big, bad wolf wants to see what you taste like.

You walked away to go help a customer, but as you came back you asked “so are you a virgin?” and I said “Huh?”

I was still short stiff with a clit boner that I tried to make go away, how else was I supposed to feel??? I was like oohhhhhh shittttt are we gay? I don’t even know what exactly “they” are.

I noticed you started to stare at me a little bit too longer than you should have been looking at my face, but I could understand why now. You knew.

You knew that I was attracted to you.

And my flushed cheeks would not go down as you kept looking at me when we talked. I think thats when we got separated again, because boss told me to start helping people in the aisles.

I looked at you differently after,

I didn’t know what made me pulse up like that for you, because I rarely got clit boners. I thought it was a sign, because it was blinking. Just like my heart was beating.

Looking back on it now, you probably were praying on me, since I was a virgin. You told me way later on that you liked sex with virgins. How come I didn’t runaway after you said that?....I was a blind fool for those eyes. 

Fuck. 

I ignored all those red flags lol. You know what's even more weirder, I just realized you set that story up 1st to ask me if I was a virgin first, then you asked me if I was gay. But then again, I did mention “what would you say is another word for vagina?” I said “blossom😊” and you said “blossom🤨?” 

Cause of course, the only pussy I’ve seen was on porn, but I didn’t watch them “up-close masturbation” videos until after we....😳 

How dumb, innocent, and naive I must have been.

I had a hard time accepting my crush for you because you were my 1st gay crush. I came out the closet for you. Over Christmas break, I had to rationalize what it all meant: do we have romantic feelings? do we care if you had a dick, pussy, or none (because you were nonbinary, but I still wanted you), do we care if this crush never comes out because you had a girlfriend? How desperate was I to kiss you? I had never kissed someone outside my gender...I had only kissed one guy that I found out was my cousin at 16. I was 22 and never had a real kiss, still a virgin, still in the closet....at my mom’s house.

My insecurities were through the roooofff and my overthinking made me hesitant to even consider ever ever ever ever telling you...because 2019 was about to start and we were about to get let off as temp workers. I thought maybe I should just let it go because you started working somewhere else and I never saw you at the store for awhile.

Even when boss ended your term 1st, I was so sad, so emotional because I never got to hang out with you like that. We used to play tag with the note clips on people’s shirts, and I used to crack jokes about Brian’s hair patch. It was fun, but I was ready to give up until I saw you at your last day. 

I wanted to help you out, but you said you got it when you were putting up calculators. In my head, I was like noooo, let me help you out. Its your last day, how else am I going to see you again? You didn't even have a facebook or instagram with your name, I checked 1st 🥺. I thought maybe it was supposed to be short lived like a crush...until I had my 1st dream about you and I was like ohhhh hellllll nahhhh. Its a sign bitch, go. 

So I got you and your gf number off the employee directory list boss had for us to contact each other in case we wanted to trade shifts. 

I texted something similar to you like “hey, just wanted to say goodbye to you since I didn't get the chance...”

(which was true because I said goodbye to you the day you came back in to get your scarf, and then you left. Without saying anything back to me out the door. I thought maybe my voice was too soft...or you just didn’t like me as a person..... 😔)

“Just wanted to say it was nice working with you. Maybe I’ll see you around campus?”

But you must have left me on read because I didn't hear nothing back for 2weeks until your gf invited me and some coworkers to go bowling late in January...right around this time. I was the only one that showed up like lol wtf. 

I felt like an idiot after we started talking about Taylor.

Thats when I heard my head’s dark side say “BINGO”

Because I had no idea you two were having a threesome with her. In fact I was a little bit jealous that you two were seemed so close as friends...compared to you and I. But I thought it was weird when Bella asked you about if she should hook up with Taylor, you said “Nah, she a little too crazy for you.”

That shoulda been my hint.

Cause’ you even talked about looking at other girls with Key, and I became jealous and insecure then too,

Because Key, looked like a fucking bulldog. Why tf would you want to have sex with her? (my jealous petty thoughts...smh) I looked wayyyyy prettier than her. I thought I should have been the more worthy one to have ben chosen.

I thought you must have liked skinny girls to have liked Taylor like that.

And yea...that me fall down in my esteem too. Sighhhhhh, I thought she must have been lucky to have been picked by you.

Ewwww why am I going goo-goo-ga-ga all over again.

What still rattles me up to this day is...why was I so jealous of your “sub-slutstitues” and not your actual girlfriend? I never understood that. 

Was it because me and her were actually starting to become friends and I wasn’t bothered by you and her’s chemistry. It was weird af for me, because usually I would have scowled at someone who was with someone I wanted. 

But I guess I actually liked her too,

Which made this last part pretty hard to accept.

That I was a bad friend to her too,

I had only became friends with her to get closer to you, but in the process I wanted her to stay too. We were comfortable with each other and I never experienced being comfortable with intimacy with another woman like her. She made me feel calm, but in a different way than you did. She made me calm like a mother would...like I was a motherless child.

That touch that I had been so longing for, was right there.

And I knew it, after she kissed me. There was no going back. Like I’m right here for both of you now. Not just one.

It was sad, comforting, and rejuvenating all at the same time. 

You guys sparked a light in me that I knew I had, but was afraid to light it because of what other people wanted me to be. I never knew that I could make my own choices and do as I pleased because I was always in my mother’s spotlight. And so they became home in my heart and she became my ease of pain.

Maybe I just didn't want to be alone. But I swear, something felt different between you guys and I was so close to proposing us throuple rings. But thats not what she wanted....nuh uh.

Something changed after that 1st lil passionate moment.

Its like she didn’t want me, I was just using you to have some fun.

What I thought was true, wasn't true at all.

And just like that she became my mother. And just like my real mother, I hate her all over again. 

I thought how could you be with someone who was so cold and bitter?

She never liked me, she was emotionally unavailable.

Thats why my heart didn’t go ding for her like it did for you. It was like she was always gone, but she was always there.

[mythicalmodernity-blog]

OK so since @tom-hiddleston-god-of-mischief and other people showed interest, I bumped up my schedule and so... Here is my ‘Craig is totally gay and was in love with the MC in college’ post! So, first off- this is Craig Cahn and the thing that made me first think that he was gay instead of bi. (And fyi I am a Bi myself, so this is more headcanoning and exploring character and not trying to stomp on other headcanons, jsyk.)

Yeah the very first time we met. But look- divorces do happen, and do happen in a chill manner. But... let us note a couple things. One, the divorce literally only happened ‘last year’. Which could mean anywhere from (assuming this is the spring due to college letters and school timetables) 12+ to only 3-ish months ago depending on what counts as ‘last year’. You only get a SECOND of him being uncomfortable while breaking the news before he is on even ground and is like ‘yeah it’s old news and everything is in perfect order now’. AND THE DIVORCE HAPPENED EITHER WHILE SMASHLEY WAS PREGNANT OR JUST HAD RIVER. Now, this could be a him lying, except... it’s never really brought up again as a thing? Like, we deal with Mat’s feelings for his dead wife, Joseph’s failing marriage, and etc but despite how recent it was we are lead to believe their divorce was perfectly amicable despite the timing.  (Now placing a cut here because this gets long and has more pics.)

My theory is that it’s because Craig, who emphasizes the Romance in bromance, was open to Smashley when he started going ‘wait... I think... I’m not attracted to women???? At all???’, but that is a lot to unpack and Craig is the overachiever who is desperate to be great and responsible on all levels, so I imagine it was a long process of discussions and figuring stuff out and recognizing their marriage was failing, and maybe a couple final sexy times to confirm whether or not he really WAS attracted to women, because if Smashley isn’t just as much of a bro as her name implies I Will Be Disappointed (and I mean, not just doing it for Craig, but also sex is fun and he’s sexy and she loves the dude who is her bro and husband). River was the result of that near the tail end of their marriage. That also explains the age gap between River and the twins, if she was the result of years of sex just never happening, and then it suddenly WAS happening because Confusion and Confirming if the Marriage is Really Dead And I’m Gay. Not to mention Ok she goes by Smashley (while in her late 30′s/early 40′s), was the kind of cool person who probably hung out with the MC who has the possibility of being a trans gay man- so she’s probably not bigoted and to a degree Gets It, and so really when the marriage ended it was fine. Now, we’re gonna put a bookmark into this and come back to it near the end for a finishing move, but now we are gonna lay down the ‘...and Craig was in love with you in college’ bit.

This is how we get re-intro’ed to Craig. Doooooeees anyone remember the ‘so I was kinda plain back when we knew each other in school but now we are meeting again years later and I got hot and suddenly you’re noticing me and I had a crush on you years ago and I’m suddenly realizing I never really got over it holy shit’ cliche? From Craig’s perspective, this is what this is. Look at how happy he is by you complimenting how he looks. And before you go ‘well... it’s a compliment!’, think about all the compliments he gets in his first date from other people and how he reacts to THAT. Yeah. And it should be noted that, out of all the Bachelors, he is the only one who asks you to go out with him first. To ‘catch up on old times’, yeah, but it’s a break from the narrative with the others. Joseph invites you to the neighborhood grill event and possible counseling, but other than that? Craig is literally the exception here. And not only does he go ‘Hey you should come jogging with me!’, he then FOLLOWS UP BY BADGERING YOU WITH MULTIPLE TEXTS LITERALLY THE NEXT MORNING AFTER YOU MOVED HOUSES. THE BLESSED THIRST OF THIS MAN.

And what does he do the first time you meet up? He tells a story from your college days. But the funny thing is, the first thing he recalls about it is not some epic stunt they did together but... how you vowed to make him feel better. This is what Craig remembers about you. Not so much the epic bro who did epic things with him- nah, we know from some other stories you/the MC was often on the sidelines watching and worrying at times. But he remembers that you CARED and did something utterly ridiculous for him to make him feel better. And the way he tells it, it’s not ‘hahaha remember that time you stole a fish for me in the most stupid fashion possible’ (which is how the MC remembers it). Nah, he tells it like it’s the Best Story Ever, a Tribute to Your Bro-hood And Why You Are Awesome. And the thing is, I’m not sure if Craig has had someone be there for him like that for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, my headcanon is that Smashley was awesome, but she was busy too. And a chunk of Craig’s romance revolves around needing someone looking out for his emotional wellbeing, which you always had his back on. And then, the first official date happens.

Look. In most other dates you are only get a kiss on the final date. Some have some hand holding by the second, but you go straight to flirting and forehead kissing on the first here, leading to a very Unimpressed River. (I love her.) And LOOK HOW MANY POINTS YOU SCORE WITH THAT. Like. LOOK AT ALL THOSE EGGPLANTS, SWEAT, AND HEARTS? THAT IS A LOT. And that is AFTER he turns down a bunch of moms, after he talks about being ‘too busy’ to find someone. But the MOMENT you hint at him giving you a kiss, even ‘teasingly’ he does and is all. over. it. First date after roughly 17-ish years of not seeing each other. Oh, and earlier in the date, when you go ‘I’m sure someone will come along for you and fit right in?’ That was another big scorer. Because he hopes you mean yourself. And earlier on he kept on apologizing for not being able to be alone with you, and actively takes you back to the empty baseball field where he knows literally NO ONE will be. That’s not a ‘maybe we should go to a coffee shop and be by ourselves’, that’s... setting up a atmosphere man. That’s a hopeful move. That’s a ‘I just want it to be the two of us, even if it’s just for a second’.

This leads us to the second date, where you display you are a good dad to his baby and are not a dick about inconveniences. (Important in Craig’s route, man.) But here I want to bring up Why I Think He’s Gay. Because even when the Waitress is not hitting on him before this, he kinda just... wants it to be the two of you again. He kinda ignores her a bit. And then when she interrupts you/the MC and hits on him... man he gets super sad/uncomfortable really fast. And he gets uncomfortable ALL THE TIME when women hit on him. Now- many of these women are nice, motherly types. The Waitress was hilarious with River before hitting on him.  But he shows less than 0 interest. It legit bothers him. Because he just recently is slowly accepting he’s gay, then you just happen to come back into his life after he moved back and the divorce was finalized (though I wonder if his reasons for moving back to Maple Bay didn’t happen to include a vague hope or two there), and he can’t get a moment with you without a woman hitting on him and making him feel weird and kinda guilty and heeeey doesn’t dealing with internalized homophobia suck ass. And then, the third date. Which is aaalllll about you two being Alone, with a capital A. Now, here I want to briefly touch on my bookmarked Smashley bit, because she is totally cool with taking the kids in for a couple days (which, good since she is their mom), when if all of the above is a correct interpretation she KNOWS they are gonna bang. Like. I’m just saying. (Let us take a moment to picture Smashley talking Craig through things and being like ‘Bro, you can do it. You can make this move. Just first swimming opportunity? Strip, your butt will call to him.’) And ok even if this DIDN’T happen, if Craig was going on a overnight vacation with a guy when I knew he was attracted to men, and this is a friend he gushes about and kinda adores? Yeah she knew. And was cool with it. But my final piece of evidence your honor in the ‘Craig was in love with you back in the day’ is this lil’ series here.

HE. MAKES. THE. FIRST. MOVE. AND PROGRESSES IT HELLA FAST. You move closer? Oh he turns over towards you immediately with his head close enough to breath on your neck. You turn over? His eyes are opening and his hand goes to your waist. You both go in for the kiss, but immediately after he confesses to you. And here’s the thing... this happens whether or not you end up together. And while the other bachelors have emotional moments leading up to the confession/kiss which might overrule their ‘Oh I don’t actually want to end up with this guy’ brain, this is a chill, quiet moment. A chill quiet moment which IMMEDIATELY leads to sex if you interpret the final lines of the night that way. The only 2 other bachelors you are implied to immediately have sexy times with on the 3rd date is Joseph because of high emotions, hopes, and a failing marriage and cheating, and Mat who is on a high of playing for the first time in forever and realizing you enable him to do it and WOW. oH, And Hugo I think? Need to replay but once again- he just went to a wrestling show, met his hero, slammed his horrible student in glorious fashion, and wrestled you. I’m just saying, emotions high in every case... except Craig’s. So, on the ‘bad end’, why would Craig do all this if it turns out he ‘didn’t mean to lead you on’? Maybe it’s because it’s something he’s been thinking about off and on since college, and then it was ALL HAPPENING, and then... it happened, and it wasn’t like he thought, and he realized you weren’t what he thought anymore. In the bad end, he still gets some kind of closure on his feelings. But in the good end, let’s think about this. ‘Feelings I can’t deny anymore’. How long has he had those feelings? How long has he DENIED them? If in the very first date, after not seeing you for 17 years, he was desperate to spend alone time with you and leaped at the chance to give you a forehead kiss.... I say it’s been a long ass time he’s had those feelings. And that is my ‘Craig Cahn is hella gay and was in love with you in College’ post. Thanks for reading.

[miniwixoide]

survee =)

Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? no!! How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? like two Who last grabbed your ass? cartoon pirate

Do you get a ‘Good Morning’ text from someone every day? no

Do you have any gay family members? not that i know of Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? eva B Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? i mean yeah on a larger scale Was your first kiss romantic? not romantic just really cute and friendly Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? yes What are you most likely to go to jail for? drug stuff Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? yes Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? lena Is there someone that always intimidates you? kind of :/ its dumb Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? yeah Would you ever get a boob job? i fantasize about it but no Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? idk both? Do you ever ignore texts from some people? yeah Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? no!!! When is the last time you felt left out? idk recently When was the last time you flirted with someone? today Yellowcard vs Straylight Run, pick: idk anything about them sooo What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? i don’t really know.. it would feel weird Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? lol. i have but never again What does your last text message say? too personal to say :p What color is your hair right now? dark brown Do people ever compliment your eyes? yeah Have you ever lied to your boyfriend/girlfriend? i don’t think so but maybe Do people ever tell you that you’re funny? yess :) Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? yes because its a fucked up industry not because i’d be jealous How many people has your best friend had sex with? i don’t know What’s the last song you listened to? happy by 2ne1 loooollll Who’s the last person that hung up on you? angry man calling at my workplace Are you a bitch? sometimes Four days from now, will you have sex? (bgc judy maybe so gif) Do you look intimidating? i’ve been told that but i don,t feel that way What does your second to last text say? can,t whip out my phone right now bosses are watchingg :/ What makes you laugh? so many things :D What were you most looking forward to today? yoga class How is your hair? side pompom ponytail What are your initials? MDG What’s your biggest fear? nuclear war Look outside how’s the weather? very cold :( and cloudy Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? yes!!! When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? i don’t remember Are you worried about anything right now? not really How do you think tomorrow will be? good, relaxing :) fun Do you wish you could take one thing back? yeah Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? no If you could pack your bags right now and were given a plane ticket, where do you go? japan....... Have you ever given anyone more than three chances? LOL yes im How far away are you from the person you have feelings for? i don’t really have feelings for anyone but like 20km Your last ex calls wanting to hangout, what do you say? no Where were you at 2 this morning? in my bed talking on the foam Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a K? yeah Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person? like once..... im a capricorn Last time you were TOTALLY happy? are we ever...... Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? probably not Ever given your all to someone who walked away? not my all but almost Have you ever done your makeup in class? yes Is there anything currently hurting on your body? yes How old were you when you stopped sleeping with a night light? i don’t remember Ever kissed someone with green eyes? yes Are you a jealous person? not really....sometimes i get jealous but it doesnt last When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? no Are you mad at anyone right now? no Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? reasonable Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now? yeah Have you held hands with anyone in the past 30 hours? no Do you have a friend named Ashley? no How often do you sleep in? like once a week at most Will you be in a relationship next month? probably not Do you stay up later than ten o’clock on a week night? yes Who’s the last person you told a secret to? sophie Have you met someone in the last year who turned out to be amazing? yeah :) new friends!! Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? mayyyybe :P Do you miss anyone? yeah Would you rather have big or small dogs? medium size Will you cry tonight? mayyybe Do you have respect for people even if you don’t like them? depends :P What’s one fruit you love in drinks? raspberry! What was the most people you ever tripped in front of? i don’t know hahaha Have you ever tried wine? yes Can heartbreak happen all at once, or over a long period of time? both In your life, do you plan on visiting other countries? well yeah Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? no. Is there an ex you want to make up with? no Do you take compliments well? yes :)

Does cuddling freak you out? no unless it’s likeee someone i’m uncomfortable with in the first place How much time do you take to get ready in the morning? 15-20mins Do you love where you live? yeah :) What do you label yourself as? labels are for soup cans :) Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? idk !!! Will your next kiss be drunk or sober? only time will tell Are you a mean person? i don,t think so Do you wear high heels everyday? hell no Do you fall asleep texting every night? no Are you an aunt or an uncle? no Were you texting someone right before you fell asleep last night? no Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? How many? yes i don’t remember Name someone who made you smile today? sophie Are you happy? yes :) Are you an alcoholic? no Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now? these days no..... Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? absolutely i plan to Does anyone know every little detail about you? no Does it bother you when someone lies to you? well duh What’s one thing you really want right now? many things :p Who all do you have texts from in your phone? a bunch of people Who do you trust most as of now? I like to think myself, but I don’t even know if I trust myself right now.

^^^ oh shit Who was the last person you took a picture with? melissa Do you have a younger sister? no Did anything “cute” happen today? yeah every time i saw my cute face in a mirror Are you wearing shoes right now? yes Have you ever just laid outside and looked at the stars? yeah :) Do feet gross you out? not really unless they’re gross Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? not really no Do you smile everyday? yes :) Who are you more like, mom or dad? MOM !!!!! Could you date someone shorter than you? yep Where do you wish you were right now? somewhere cushy :) Have a crazy side? LOL? Something you do a lot? werk Angry at anyone? no Describe your life in one word? life :p Who was the last person who gave you a hug? roommate What is your natural hair color? brown How many people have you kissed? can’t be bothered counting

How many of those did you make out with? can’t be bothered counting Ever kissed someone you weren’t dating at the time? yes Ever kissed someone you’d met less than an hour before? yes Of the people you’ve kissed, how many do you regret kissing? right now none cuz it doesnt matter, but a few of them ive regretted right after Were any of them in relationships with someone else at the time? yeah he told me that afterwards :( How old was the oldest person you’ve kissed? 39 How young was the youngest person you’ve kissed? she was like 14 (i was 15) Ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)? yep Ever been kissed by someone you didn’t want to kiss? yes Ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone? i think so By your parents?: don’t think so Weirdest place you’ve kissed someone? (geographically, not physically) underwater in the pool and i choked to death Ever kissed someone and had someone else get really mad about it? uhhhh not that i can recall no Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath? EWWW yeah :c Ever not known the name of someone you kissed? yeah Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game? yeah Kissed someone you didn’t really like just to make someone else jealous? no Ever had a really horrible kissing experience? not really Ever been called a bad kisser? no !!! Ever called someone else a bad kisser? no Where’s the most public place you’ve ever made out with someone? the street, the subway, idk Where’s the most private place you’ve ever made out with someone? bathroom Ever kissed some out of pity just so they would stop badgering you? yep :( Ever kissed someone just to forget about someone else? yeah Ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone? yeah Do you usually kiss on the first date? not usually but it happened

[lipkits]

long version!

this is wayyyy longer than i thought so get ready

ok so basically i was friends w this girl for a while and had secretly liked her, and then in january i told her how i felt because we’d kinda been having a fwb relationship since the summer. neither of us had admitted our real feelings, and it turned out she liked me as well. so we were basically dating, like we went on our first date for valentine’s day, and everything was going pretty well. she always asked to hang out and i’m rlly introverted so i don’t like doing more than 1 thing w friends on the weekend bc i just need time to recover from the week. and so she’d always ask to hang out and do things and it just got tiring because i suck at saying no, and i’d try to tell her what i’m explaining to u guys (or whoever is reading this) but she said i’m not introverted because i’m not as shy as her (lol). and so then it kind of started to make me pull away bc i felt rlly overwhelmed. she also would never leave when i wanted her to and would just sit in my car not getting out, and also on new years she got mad at me because it was 1am and i was super tired and wanted her to leave because i had a paper due in like 2 days that i’d procrastinated. i know it might seem bad because i was essentially ditching her for school work but it was super late at night and i’d been planning this for a while. and also her parents are rlly homophobic and conservative, so she’s said certain things before that turned me off, and also it made me feel scared to be in this relationship if we had to hide it from her parents (and she didn’t want me to tell my parents so i was kind of lying to them in a way??? idk i normally tell my mom everything but i hadn’t been telling her this which made me feel bad). so then after a while we decided to officially date as girlfriends, but the next morning (this was the beginning of march i think or end of february by the way) i felt this horrible gut feeling telling me that i wasn’t ready for a girlfriend and i just didn’t want to be with her anymore. so i told her immediately because i didn’t want to lie and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, and it was over text so it was bad to begin with, but i told her the truth and she got super upset and of course hurt by what i said, and ignored me for a week, and then we met the next weekend for breakfast and she just told me how she didn’t want to go back to fwb without being official and she tried to convince me to be her girlfriend and didn’t understand anything i was explaining as to why i wasn’t ready for that. and she didn’t want to go back to just being friends either... also keep in mind she is a year older than me. so then she started saying things that i do which annoys her, and claimed that she wasn’t a priority because i wouldn’t drop everything to be with her. but school and work come first before doing fun stuff for me. i feel like she didn’t understand how important doing well in my studies is and i can’t just be her girlfriend whenever she wants, i have to be my own person and make time for myself. so then she made me feel real shitty, and had her mom come pick her up (she doesn’t have her license so i drove us places most of the time). and i was just really upset and then she slowly went back to being friendly again, and we hung out one weekend and she took an edible when we went to the movie theater, but ate the whole thing and then we had to leave because she was like seeing weird shit and shaking, and so i just had to take care of her basically for a couple hours. and then she said some rude things to me and was like “i feel so immature i’m sorry”... but in the past i’ve had to babysit her whenever she got high. so then afterwards we were fine for another week and then she asked to hang out one weekend but i said no because i was busy and had to prepare for finals, and then she straight up just wouldn’t talk to me and gave me the cold shoulder, pretty much ignored me for a solid month. didn’t even tell me happy birthday???? when it was obvious she knew because she saw posts my friend made abt me, and then put stuff on her story abt how she’s in seattle we her other friends? like... ok. and it hurt me rlly bad she was treating me like that, so then she wrote me this long letter and gave it to me in class just like explaining why she wouldn’t talk to me, and said a bunch of excuses and then wanted to know if i still wanted to be friends, and also told me she had my birthday present and didn’t forget about my birthday. and i waited a week because i had a bunch of other stuff happening in my life, and she told me not to tell anyone about the letter or show it to anyone and of course i went to my therapist bc i didn’t know what else to do. and meanwhile during the time we’ve been together she had been telling some people about us without my permission and i’m not out at school so it made me really upset and felt like i couldn’t really trust her. so then she texted me and asked for the letter back, and i gave it to her the next day and told her that she decided we were no longer friends when she ignored me for a month, without telling me anything like she needed space or something... and she said that she just “couldn’t” talk to me, and that it she didn’t make that decision, but throughout our entire relationship i had always been the one to make decisions. i told her she did make that decision whether she wanted to or not, and she said “well fuck you�� and walked away, leaving me shaking and close to tears. and then i moved tables in our art class. and on the bus home a few days later she sat next to me and started asking me to explain stuff i didn’t answer from the letter and i told her no and that i didn’t owe her any explanation and she got mad at me and then when i tried to tell her how outing me isn’t okay she said “well it’s my story too so i can tell whoever i want” and when i wasn’t acting how she wanted she started crying and told me she’s lost like 15 pounds because of stress and she has no one to talk to abt it because of her parents prejudice, but she had already told me before so i tried to tell her how shitty she made me feel, and then got off the bus and said “i’m seriously just done”... also we were becoming friends w this one guy who she told abt us and he previously used gay as an insult which seriously sucked and so got upset abt it but got angry that she told him abt us anyways bc i felt uncomfortable w him let alone all those other people know. and he doesn’t talk to me anymore and neither do any of her friends so i bet they all hate me lol. and we didn’t talk for the rest of the year, except when she asked for polaroids back that she gave me on valentine’s day ??? and then she graduated and i blocked her on all social media and her phone number.

so that is p much it !! sorry it was a lot and i hope u can understand it, and also sorry for run-on sentences.... and spelling errors... omg