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s4 episode 4 thoughts

woohoo!! it feels, again, like our separation has been so long, but it has been about… 3 whole days. oh, how i miss the earlier months in which i had time to post episode thoughts every day… 

this episode sounds interesting!!! no idea how someone’s thoughts could be captured on film, but we do a lot of disbelief suspension around these parts, with varying levels of success.

wait. hold on. i just saw the description for the episode after this one. what the hell is mulder getting himself into with that. do we need more mulder ex lore? i don’t need that. it doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

putting aside my many questions on that matter to focus on what is here in front of us.

(author’s note post-episode: …. woaghhh. scully…)

in all honesty, having processed my thoughts, i think this one was just a LITTLE bit too intense for me. which i recognize is okay, and to each their own. but i need to speak my Truth.

liveblogging commences below 

we begin with this sketchy looking dude, who is being rude as hell to a woman putting on lipstick before getting a passport photo taken. god forbid a woman want to serve… then he says to act natural while not acting natural himself. HYPOCRITE!

she goes in for a passport photo and…. she left her money in the car! she must return to this unfortunate man and go get it. but someone is following her…. 

he did something to her… and she gets back to the car to “billy”, but someone did something to him, too!! he appears to be dead and bleeding from the ear!! then she falls to the ground and tries to crawl to safety, but the mystery man in the yellow rain jacket comes back for her…. 

and the man in the photo store looks at the passport photos, but despite taking just a standard headshot, he sees the woman’s dying face in the images!!

oh. that is an unpleasant day on the job for such a nice seeming man.

this intro always makes me laugh... i’m sorrrrryyy the ufo pictures just remind me that this show is fundamentally unserious 

scully and mulder are rolling up to a town in michigan, while he asks her for any thoughts on the case. it appears this woman was abducted three days ago. and billy was punctured in the brain. yuck.

okay, so her name is mary. and this poor pharmacist…. he has to take people’s pictures, and give them drugs, AND deal with this nonsense 

they are at the pharmacy where the “druggist” (they keep using that term which i have never heard before) is showing them his camera, which he keeps under lock and key, and i notice he has some fun candy in the background. but i assume things are not fun at this time for him. 

scully wants to see the camera, and mulder takes a step back to let her pass. it kinda looks like he does that thing where he touches her back, but it’s hard to tell. and once again for all readers, that thing where men touch your back is only attractive when it’s mulder to scully and not between some randos!

scully notices something on the pharmacist’s foot, and also that the film is out of date. she is always noticing things. one of her many lovely qualities. 

mulder calls the pharmacist “bruno hauptman” and i don’t get that reference so i do what i do best: go to wikipedia. oh! bruno is the guy that was executed for kidnapping the lindbergh baby. i don’t know why i thought that mystery was unsolved. i guess it’s because the article is saying it was a heavily criticized and debated case. huh, a mystery for another time.

anyway, mulder is saying this all tauntingly with his stupid beautiful mulder smile, but scully is saying yeah, this nice old pharmacist doesn’t look like a usual suspect.

but she does point out that the film has heat damage, and a heater is right there… “so you think that would make it look like she posed screaming for a passport photo?” <- LMAO MAN LET HER FINISH

BAHAHA she is onto nothing 🔥🔥 

“plus, the film is two years out of date” “oh” the- the photographic chemistry could have changed” (mulder nodding) “uh-huh” “the- the dyes fade… they… alright, what’s your theory?” <- BAHAHA love that… you have to admit when you don’t know wtf is going on! i had full confidence she would pull something out of her science-y brain, but sometimes you just don’t know!

(this stupid scene had me giggling, as did her face of resignation)

mulder seems to ALSO have no idea wtf is going on, but as they discuss this, a police officer walks in and says they might have wasted the agents’ time…. what does that mean? did they figure it out that quick?

back at the house of the victims, they meet a postal inspector. okay!!! that’s fun and different. and i pause to write this down, and scully is SO beautiful, i actually might blow up. a full on explosion where once stood me is liable to go down. oh my gooooood.

okay: postal inspector is investigating a mail theft. mary had been working at the postal office, stealing people’s credit cards, and her boyfriend was signing them! oh! very illegal. inspector seems to think she faked her disappearance, but mulder points out that would not explain the stabbing of the boyfriend. also, they have this creepy ass broccoli magnet on their fridge which. bleugh. it did not spark joy.

mulder wants a camera from their house, and he finds one! did he just. take a picture of scully…? oh my god. he said “stand back, scully, it’s loaded” and took one… he didn’t even let her pose or anything… that's so cute... even if it's a little weird to use a dead person's camera from a crime scene... he wanted to take her picture

no, i am all wrong, for it appears he is just… taking random photos. because someone in the 60’s once claimed that he could concentrate really hard on undeveloped film and show his thoughts. uh. press f to doubt.

(man, i want to live in that very brief and exciting moment where i thought he was taking a cute little candid of her again… it was so blissful there)

wait. what da hell. he just clicked the camera a bunch of times and it comes up with the screaming mary photo again and again.

oh… he thinks that someone was stalking mary, and the stalker’s psychic energy altered the film by him coming in its proximity. i didn't realize that was how psychic powers worked but i am listening and learning

scully says that these images had to be doctored, which is, again, a reasonable conclusion, but he asks her to “what if” the situation and just think about it!!! just imagine!!!

cutscene to… someone crawling on the side of the road. it’s mary!!! she’s bleeding from her eyes (?) and not responding at all to the police car arriving behind her.

now she is in a stretcher at the hospital that our agents are helping to steer. they are kind like that. she had a “painkiller cocktail” in her system, but that wouldn’t account for her condition. scully orders a PET scan for her, a term i have never heard before. i love when she uses terms i have never heard before.

they’re putting mary in what looks like an MRI sort of thing to look at her brain. whatever it is, it is clearly very bad, as told by scully��s visible reaction and audible declaration of “oh my god”, while mulder looks at her and asks “what is it”? 

(and while i appreciate that this is a sensitive moment for our story, mulder not knowing wtf is going on with these medical things always is a favorite trope of mine, 1. because me too, and 2. he is usually such an insufferable know-it-all i love watching him admit when he knows nothing. humility!)

oh my god… “she has been given what’s called a transorbital lobotomy” <- oh that does NOT sound good… it used to be known as an ice pick lobotomy!!! oh my gosh i’ve heard of that one!! ice pick… eye sockets… i can feel myself growing faint…

but whoever did it, did it wrong… who would do a lobotomy without knowing how to do it the right way???

in the machine, mary is mumbling!! she is saying “unruhe” according to the closed captioning, but it just sounds like faint groaning to me. however, given that this phrase is the title of the episode, i venture to guess that it IS in fact relevant.

a policeman bursts in and says there has been a second abduction, and our agents look deeply sorrowful at this news, seeming to know what will happen next if they cannot crack the case.

oh! now we are seeing the new victim, and whoever took her is in fact saying “unruhe”, and other stuff in german! NO! he pulls out a pick…. fade to black. 

WHO in this small seeming town speaks german and has a psychic effect on cameras… ?? i hope this can be narrowed down to a slim pool of candidates!!

scully is going into the next crime scene, where mulder reports that a man has been murdered, and his secretary alice taken. this is not good.

mulder has been looking into what that word alice was mumbling means- first in a phone book, but then as a translation, i guess, because it means “trouble” in german.

WOAH, WHAT?

! SCULLY LORE REVEAL ! she took german in college!!! and knows that the word is more accurately translated as “unrest”! 

(oh my gosh, i need to get back into compiling lore reveals at the end of each season like i did for s1…. good thing i take such detailed notes so i can go back and do them for s2 and s3)

((we didn’t get a ton in the last 2 seasons, so i thought of doing one post for both seasons- but the organization freak in me wants to do 1 per season, so i’ll go through them again and see what i can find when i get bored someday))

scully hands him a photo from the first crime scene, but mulder says the criminal wasn’t there, because if he was, he would have altered the photos. scully seems annoyed that he’s looking for psychic photos and not crime scene evidence, but he explains that whoever did this has to be very good, and photos may be their only lead since he doesn’t seem to know he is doing it. but then scully sees something and her eyes go SUPER wide… and she says she wants to show him something. 

oh! they find a construction company’s logo at both sites. so maybe the criminal worked at places under construction and was able to kidnap the women…? this theory is brought to you by scully.

he says she might be right, but he is going back to DC to get analysis on the photo. she still is skeptical, but he says that since the woman’s time is running out, that’s all the more reason to analyze the one piece of hard evidence they do have, and that he’ll be in touch. 

he must have really cared if he said he’ll be in touch, because usually he just runs off to god knows where to do god knows what. 

(and how much time would they even HAVE if he has to drive all the way back??? that isn’t a quick trip, is it???)

the same criminal dude from before is now saying stuff in german and taping alice’s mouth shut, while mulder is back in the photo lab sitting practically on top of this nerdy yet attractive fellow, asking for the blurriness in the image to be reduced. and it reveals very scary looking demon things! 

mulder sees someone in the back of the photo… and they get a more enhanced image on the face, but it isn’t clear to me who it is. i felt like i was supposed to know who it was, but luckily i wasn't!

scully is ordering people out to canvas and investigate the employees who may have been working at both construction sites. i like when she does that.

mulder and the lab guy figure out that there is a shadow in the background of the photo from the kidnapper. “he’s standing over her, he means to pass judgement on her, like a god” <- an unsettling thing to say, mr. spooky

scully rolls up to one of the construction sites and i’m thinking, oh please, do not get kidnapped, please please, it’s not something we need today. she’s yelling “hello” and no one is answering... but she hears something….. 

it’s a… guy on stilts? it’s the foreman named gerry. oh… could he have made the big shadow in the picture his stilts? but he doesn’t sound german…

mulder calls and says the kidnapper’s legs are unusual, either he’s very tall or he wants to be. stilts man?!?! is it you?!

instead of playing it chill upon hearing this news, she hangs up on mulder, and turns to gerry and says “unruhe”, pulling out her gun. but he uses his stilts to jump across the building! only to collapse and fall. his getaway is thwarted as scully tells him to stop or she’ll shoot, and to prove her seriousness, she does so. but i’m not buying he’s the guy!! sorry my queen!!

NO!! I WAS FOOLED, WASN’T I??? she reaches into his pocket and pricks her finger!!! NOOO! it’s a huge pick in there! like we saw before at the kidnapping!!

is she gonna be drugged from that….

(thankfully, the pick itself did not contain the drugs)

they’re interrogating the dude, and he denies everything. i mean, i guess a lot of people could have stilts and a pick at construction sites. maybe they didn't grab the right fellow.

he says that tool is used to start keyholes in the sheetrock and all fixtures. a good excuse…

but he really does seem confused. 

however, mulder brings up that gerry was arrested before, for attacking his father with an axe handle until he spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair. OH! this is not promising.

gerry says that he was institutionalized, which mulder reveals was for a schizophrenic disorder. gerry claims that since his release, he had been taking care of his father 24/7, until he passed away in january. well i’m not entirely sure if that makes amends, but i guess it’s better than nothing?

“and how did you feel about that?” asks mulder about gerry's father's death, sounding very much like the psychology expert i sometimes forget that he is. then he reveals that the same year gerry attacked his father, gerry’s sister passed. connected….?

gerry is staring intently back at scully, saying that she looks troubled. oh! do not talk to her that way.

then mulder comes in with the enhanced photo from earlier, and asks if it shows gerry’s father. he seems taken aback, like it really is his father, and then further taken aback when he pulls out the full photo and asks if those demons figures are what he sees when he closes his eyes. this finally gets gerry to crack and say that he knows where alice is, and that she is safe, “from the howlers”. HUH? 

(is it bad my thoughts went straight to a howler monkey when he said that? i was thinking man, monkeys do not look like that at all. you and i have seen some different monkeys, gerry. but no, he does not refer to those types of howlers)

a ton of cop cars are arriving in the woods, to find alice, who is bleeding from the eyes, which can only mean one thing in this context. oh noooo. scully seems horrified and as if she is blaming herself 

oh, we get a very charged exchange here. she says it doesn’t matter what is in the photos, or if it shows gerry’s dreams or nightmares, because it’s over, and they couldn’t save alice. she starts the engine, and when i think she’s gonna drive off without mulder, he hops in. i bet that guilt that doctors feel when that cannot save a patient is even worse in her than in usual doctors, because she also has to deal with trying to rescue people from crime. :(

gerry is being taken in and photographed by the cops. but instead of a mugshot, when we see the picture, it’s the guy who was taking him in with a bullet hole in his head. oh! so that seems to confirm earlier suspicions on behalf of mulder. 

OH NO!! gerry reaches out and grabs the gun from the cop! NOOO! 

mulder points out that the image from that interaction showed the man shot in the head, but in reality, he was shot in his throat. so i guess it’s not based on reality as much as his intentions? sure, why not. and scully says there was a robbery at the pharmacy back where the very first photo was taken. no! our druggist friend!

gerry took all of the film in the store and a ton of drugs for more “twilight sleep”, which is a bad sign. i think i’ve seen this film before…

scully thinks that perhaps he was stalking his next victim at the construction site, and i’m thinking, girl i think he picked out his victim alright, but i don’t think she’s in the apartments.

mulder wants to wait a bit for his photo to come out. so he sends her to pull the car around and i’m screaming NO, NO, DON’T SEPARATE, NOT WITH A GUY ON THE LOOSE WHO LOOKED AT HER AND SAID “YOU LOOK TROUBLED” AFTER DOING 2 DIY LOBOTOMIES ON OTHER WOMEN AND KILLING 2 OTHER MEN! JUST WAIT A MINUTE AND WALK TO THE CAR TOGETHER!!!

but she cannot hear me….

NO! as she unlocks the car, a hand from beneath reaches out and pierces her foot with a needle NOOOO… and it’s gerry and she’s going down and NOOOOOO!!!!

AND MULDER PULLS THE PHOTO OUT TO FIND GERRY WAS THINKING OF SCULLY WHEN IT WAS TAKEN!

he is RUNNING after that car. despite his best efforts, even trackstar mulder is not as fast as a car, yet he follows her and screams her name regardless. until he realizes he will not win this race.

back at the police office, mulder is STARING at that photograph, the one showing scully being taken by these horrific creatures known as “the howlers”. he’s asking for any leads, including “does he have a summer house? a winter house?” which could be seen as desperation for answers or mulder being out of touch with how many people grew up with summer houses, take your pick.

OH! in gerry’s wallet was his father’s obituary. and his father was a dentist… and the name sounds german… 

so they go to his old dentist’s office, where they did an ad for the pain medicine cocktail he’s been cooking up. and mulder finds a footprint and a missing dentist’s chair. 

NO!! scully is in the dentist’s chair at some undisclosed location. waking up to find her arms and legs bound with a pick on the table and gerry in the distance. she’s watching him…. and she says to let her go. 

he begins his german ranting that has happened before the other lobotomies, and she… RESPONDS???? in clumsy german??? she says she has no unrest and doesn’t need saving, but he insists she does??? WHAT!!!

good on her for remembering some words after all those years :,)

he says everyone has some unrest, but especially her. she thinks she must remind him of his sister, and they talk about “the howlers”, who live inside your head, and make you say and do things you don’t mean.

so she turns the tables on this, and says maybe there are no such thing as howlers, and maybe he made them up to justify what his father did to his sister, which sets him off further. OH… so she thinks gerry attacking his father and his sister’s death were related. damn… that’s heavy

she tries to convince him that the “howlers” are just in HIS head, and no one else’s, as he approaches with a camera to try and prove they do exist. because cameras cannot lie!!

back at the dentist’s office, mulder appears to be losing it. mumbling about the 6 fingers the howler had in the photos, and yelling “WHY are there 6?” to no one in particular, as if he can find an answer through sheer willpower. one of the cops is asking him what to do while he looks at the obituary and counts five headstones…. and the father makes 6? sure, if that makes sense to you king!

they’re off to the graveyard while scully is still in a mystery location, with tears in her eyes as gerry shows her the photos he took. he takes the photos to mean he doesn’t have much time left, and tapes her mouth… and oh my gosh, i think of what would go down here if i knew she wasn’t gonna pull through… until gerry hears a tapping and MULDER IS LOOKING IN!! YES!!!

gerry is doing this in a camper van! by the graveyard!!! mulder is peeking in, sees a tooth keychain, and realizes she’s in there!!!! he’s yelling her name, and she’s yelling that she’s in here, while gerry tries to hold her down!!!

mulder’s BEATING on the window of the camper with his hands, and when that doesn’t work, he finds a giant metal pipe and SLAMS it into the window, goes in, and shoots gerry. this escalated quickly, but it was almost not quick enough.

mulder asks if she’s hurt, and neither of them say anything as she walks out, with mulder kneeling down to see that the last photos gerry had taken were of himself dead on the floor. it’s a terribly thick tension that reminds me of the ending to irresistible, but without the tension bursting like it did in that episode with her finally revealing her fear to him. i wish that she did it again this time. 

scully is doing the episode wrap up, sounding terribly solemn. she is reporting that gerry had written a diary intended as a letter for his father, including the list of the women he hoped to “save”. and her name is the last entry. she has no explanation for the photographs. but she empathized with him, which her survival depended upon.

“i see now the value of such insight. for truly to pursue monsters, we must understand them. we must venture into their minds. only in doing so, do we risk letting them venture into ours?” (said while there are tears in her eyes, as she looks at the photograph of her being pulled by the howlers)

WHAT THE HELL.

okay, so chris carter… you and i need to have some words. 

i have a lot of thoughts. perhaps number one: what if mulder had been 5 minutes later… can you imagine him never being able to cope with that….? oh my gosh. oh my gosh. no, i shan’t imagine. but i’m sure they both were imagining it. and that is probably why she couldn’t say anything as she walked out of the camper van. it was too horrific.

second. this was a dark one. i was giggling at first and then it got really dark. lobotomies… are a hard subject.

third. when the writers make the bad guy have a mental illness, i do feel it to be insulting, because we don’t often get a character where a guy with schizophrenia is just a guy doing normal things like working at the store or going to get his oil changed. no, he’s gotta be up to something nefarious. i wish that wasn’t the case and that these episodes didn’t use mental illness in that way, and i understand that things were kind of Like That in the 90’s and arguably still are in media, but it has been observed with distaste. 

okay, final thoughts? like i’ve said before, i believe in gender equality when it comes to kidnapping and rescuing, and i hope that will be evened out at some point. i understand that gerry had a fixation on women for his own personal reasons, but that’s the doyleist vs watsonian debate thing. and i want a 1:1 ratio on who goes about saving the day. although the ratio was uneven in s2, i’m not recalling the ratio from s3, and we’re 4 episodes into s4 with a 1:1 ratio. so i hope that overall, the entire series ratio evens out eventually. damsel in distress is gender neutral

i was actually really invested in this episode, probably because it let us look into scully deeper, and also because the stakes were high, the pacing fast, and the horror a new kind rather than a standard serial killer we get in a lot of episodes. 

but… while i appreciate that, i’m not sure i can say i enjoyed it, you know? because even a “scully speaks german” lore reveal cannot save me from the feeling of… something adjacent to fear? not horror as in “ahhh i’m so scared” but maybe a sort of horror as in “stop putting her into these fuckass situations, let my girl have a day off” and also a bit of terrible grief in knowing that lobotomies were a very real thing and did untold harm. and to be clear, i’m not saying that fact shouldn’t be explored and discussed, i just think that for me it seems to provoke some intense feelings that make me want some fluff. now. 

deliver it. to my door. as we speak. in fact, here is an incomplete list of things i want to read our agents doing in fanfiction form:

apple picking and apple cider sipping, hiking and sharing weird facts they know about the things they encounter (scully will be all “this type of spider has a unique silk production gland” and he’ll be all “this type of wildflower is used to induce hallucinogenic states” while they look at a pretty view), ice skating (can they ice skate? need to explore that), getting ice cream cones, a visit to the beach, decorating for various holidays, a very serious game night- perhaps uno or some sort of trivia where it turns into a real nerd-off, arguing over unsolved mysteries, more implications of them starting a family together if you feel bold and brave, even, but for those who like it more reserved we can just have an aquarium date, watching a meteor shower, scully attempting to understand his fascination with the various sports of the world by tagging along on an anthropological expedition to a knicks game with him, baking, movie theater trip, etc

well! i have gotten myself so enthused at the idea of them doing silly stuff like handing out halloween candy that i have forgotten all about my initial feelings, which shall surely resurface soon when i go through and edit my notes, but you’re gonna sit there and tell me you don’t want to play dolls in your head of them getting hot chocolate together? 

canon? what is canon? c’mere, kid. let’s daydream about them eloping without ever having the “what are we” conversation and ignore the suffering 

[cavaliant]

Headcanon: Reinhardt’s childhood and family

(Wordcount: ~1500 what the fuck)

//This...got a lot longer than expected when @clericallis prompted me to write something serious (Light, I blame you as usual and you don’t have to read the whole thing omg). Here is my take on Reinhardt’s past growing up in Friege, his relationships with his parents, sister, and Ishtar, and how this all affects his motivations and character. Obligatory readmore and apology to mobile folks here.

~

I don’t think it actually states this anywhere in the game, but I like to think that part of the reason Kempf (a minor noble of Friege) hates Reinhardt so much is because Reinhardt has become so famous for all his achievements and titles despite not being a noble. Kempf and Reinhardt were both stated in-game to have become generals rather young, but Reinhardt is more well-known and also holds the position of personal bodyguard of the heiress (later Queen) of Friege, Ishtar. It’s no doubt a very high honour to be personally entrusted with her safety and well-being.

This leads me to his parents--I imagine his father was a Mage Knight of Friege as well, albeit a lower-ranking one. His mother was a mage from a reasonably well-off family, and thanks to her husband’s position within the castle she managed to secure a post there and eventually become a Mage Knight as well. Both of them were rather adamant social climbers--constantly looking for opportunities to curry favour and impress the right people to increase their own connections and social standing.

This didn’t change after Reinhardt was born, in Gran Year 747. His mother likely hired a nursemaid and later a tutor so that she could continue her duties (and mingling with the castle folk). As Reinhardt began to grow a little older, his parents began asking him to demonstrate to them what he’d learned, rebuking him if he’d gotten anything wrong, and interjecting with their own lessons every now and then. 

These lessons quickly grew to become cherished parts of Reinhardt’s early life, because they were some of the few times his parents would devote their time and attention to him. While not outright neglectful of him, their attitude towards him was rather distant, and their standards were high. Affectionate words or touches were nearly unheard of, and praise was sparse and hard-earned, only appearing when he was absolutely perfect.

Despite his young age, Reinhardt quickly displayed a natural talent for both magic and swordplay. His life was laid out for him at the start--it was clear that Reinhardt’s parents expected their son to follow in their footsteps and take a position at the castle--the higher, the better. Of course, they didn’t expect a child not even in his teens to jump straight to a high-ranking post, but they still expected him to be diligent in both his studies and his training in order to develop that natural talent further and hopefully impress one of the higher-ups when the time came to enlist.

When he was 11, Reinhardt’s younger sister, Olwen, was born. Again, a nursemaid was hired, and later a tutor, but it was clear that Reinhardt’s parents favoured their eldest child, especially after Olwen turned out to not be the same kind of child prodigy that Reinhardt had been. That isn’t to say she wasn’t talented, but their parents definitely didn’t put the same amount of energy into molding her into the ideal Mage Knight of Friege when their son already looked to be well on his way there.

Thus, she often turned to her elder brother whenever she had questions, and he quickly found himself taking on the role of her mentor. As mentioned in canon, she adored him, followed him around, and wanted to be just like her perfect, admired older brother. Reinhardt, for his part, greatly enjoyed spending time with his precious baby sister, the first person to love him unconditionally. 

He didn’t think about it at the time (or any time after, really), but his parents only ‘loved’ him when he was useful to them--and he wanted their approval very much, so he did indeed try his hardest to fulfill their expectations and the roles he was given.

As Reinhardt entered his teen years, some higher-ups indeed began to take notice of promising new recruits. In part due to his parents’ bragging about him and in part due to his natural talent, Reinhardt was hand-selected alongside a few other knights in training to be introduced to the young heiress of Friege, Ishtar. Her parents had decided that they wanted someone who was, of course, old enough to be a competent fighter, but also young enough that they would ideally befriend and grow attached enough to Ishtar to give them an additional motivation to protect her with their life.

Eventually, Reinhardt was chosen, both for his skills and how he got along with Ishtar, and he started being groomed into becoming the ideal devoted bodyguard. He and Ishtar were encouraged to spend time together, to better foster his attachment. He was very formal at first, mindful of his parents’ expectations, but young Ishtar wanted to see him as a friend, and soon encouraged him to be a bit more relaxed with her. 

His parents were, of course, immensely pleased by this--to have their son in a position so close to the royal family was a large achievement indeed. They actually did praise him for this, although at the same time pressured him to be the perfect bodyguard and to not mess this chance up. (Of course, they bragged about how the son they clearly raised well accomplished this to anyone who would listen.)

Some time after Thracia’s conquering of the Manster District in Gran Year 762, (maybe ~Gran Year 765?) the Kingdom of Grannvale invaded the Thracian Peninsula and annexed the Manster District. Reinhardt’s parents both died in this conflict, being part of the reinforcements sent by Friege to aid their Grannvalean allies. This left Reinhardt (age ~18) as the sole guardian of Olwen (~age 7). If anything, this only increased his protectiveness of her, his only family left. Due to the 11-year age gap between them, he eventually began to feel a little parental in addition to brotherly, which is why even with her being 18 years old when FE5 takes place, he still thinks of her as a child, the little sister still following in his footsteps.

(As a side note, I also imagine that Olwen’s youth at the time of their deaths was the reason she didn’t grow up as rigidly formal and duty-bound as Reinhardt, since she wouldn’t have been influenced by their parents’ emphasis on fulfilling one’s role and serving the royal family for her entire childhood like her brother.)

As Ishtar entered her teen years, Reinhardt (now a General in his early twenties) started taking more care with how he acted around her again. Despite the lack of romance between them, he eventually became aware of the rumours that sprung up around the castle about their relationship, and didn’t wish to fuel them by acting inappropriately familiar with her. 

I imagine Hilda also assumed Reinhardt had romantic feelings for her daughter, but other than warning Ishtar strictly not to act on them (bastard children would be shameful) and to dismiss him if he ever acted on them, she turned a blind eye to the assumed attraction. This was simply because if Reinhardt was in love with Ishtar, then that would only mean he’d probably try even harder to protect her.

By the time FE5 begins, in Gran Year 776, Reinhardt (age 29) has become a General famed for his dependability and exploits in battle, and has also become a close confidant of Queen Ishtar, who is engaged to Prince (and then Emperor) Julius of Grannvale. Despite the lingering whispers about their relationship, Reinhardt’s devotion to Ishtar is purely platonic, but runs very, very deep. Perhaps the closest thing he has to an actual friend, despite the difference in rank separating them, Ishtar is as precious to him as Olwen is. This, of course, eventually leads to his downfall in chapter 22 of the game at the River Thracia, when he is unable to choose between the two most important people in his life.

~

The takeaway from this is that, although Reinhardt’s actions (and failures to act) in FE5 are his own decisions, I wanted to create a feasible backstory to explain why his priorities and motivations are the way they are. In particular, why he initially treats Olwen like a child, why he’s so fixated on being useful and fulfilling his duties correctly, and why he devotes himself to people so deeply. 

This also helps explain my headcanon of how he is deeply taken aback by affectionate gestures, and though he is used to graciously accepting praise as a famed General, he doesn’t really expect it from someone close to him, particularly if it’s something that has nothing to do with his ability to be useful. He’d also probably cry if someone told him they love him and wouldn’t REALLY believe it until much later.

Anyway...it’s past 4 in the morning and if anyone actually read this monstrosity, 1) I'm sorry, 2) I love you, 3) I hope this provided a believable explanation for my portrayal of Reinhardt on this blog. Thank you.

[imnoexpertblog]

The Proposal

6/3/18

Good morning everyone! I hope your first weekend in June was spectacular. I know mine was! Some big things happened for my families (yes, plural). I’ll mention first that my little brother graduated from high school yesterday! It’s an accomplishment we are all proud of. Secondly, my blog’s 1 month “birthday” was this weekend and I was excited to go over stats and see the following I have gained so far. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the positive and supportive feedback I receive every day. Thank you all so much. And lastly, Baby got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife on June 2nd. So here I am, writing the most requested blog to date: The Proposal.

My 22nd birthday was on May 15th. Baby told me he was going to send me to brunch at my favorite little restaurant, Spork, with my little sister as a late birthday gift. Vanny couldn’t come on the weekend I was free to go and I see my sister a decent amount anyway, so we asked my best friend from work. I call her Tammi as a joke and she calls me Becki. It’s funny if you know why but I won’t get into that now, LOL. I don’t get to see her at all now that I work third shift and she is still on second. Tammi was basically booked up the entirety of June! I told Baby about my bad luck getting a date for this brunch. He suggested I go with his first choice, his Aunt Jen. I was actually thrilled with this suggestion because I adore her. Baby and Jen are very close so the fact that she and I click as well as we do really and truly means the world to me. She and I are so similar sometimes its creepy (in the best way ever). I got ready to pick Jen up and Baby took Nugget to swimming lessons. We drove out to Spork for her first time. Jen and I talked about some deep and important things on the ride there and the whole time we ate. Though we aren’t the same age, we both have been through similar things in relationships and life. It was an intimate little date that I will always remember and cherish. We told each other things we haven’t told anyone else before and I will value that to my dying day. These private and personal things were shared over mimosas and beer-brat eggs benedict.

I can assure you, it was phenomenal! Jen paid for us both, which I thought was awfully wonderful of her. When we finished up eating, we went next door to this little boutique that is connected to Spork. We saw a bunch of adorable stuff, admired it all, and bought some small things. As I was checking out, Jen hands me a blank envelope. “This is for you,” she says. I was confused as heck but I opened it, of course. I recognized Baby’s handwriting.

“Hey Lovebug, I hope you are enjoying your time with Jen. Enclosed, you will find money to cover your food, and the money left over is for you to go get your nails done at 12:30 at the place you like. Someone will meet you there so don’t be late! After your nails are done, ask for your next envelope! I love you so much! Xoxo -Baby + Nugget”

I looked at Jen and she just smiled and shrugged. “I was just told to give you that.” I wasn’t sure what was going on but my initial thought was that he was just sending me around town all day with girls I love and pampering me. I dropped Jen off and headed over to the nail salon. I went next door to Starbucks to kill a little time because I was early. I got a Keto-friendly iced coffee and walked over to meet whoever it was that was coming. I walked in, saw no one I knew, so I checked in up front. I said was sent here by my boyfriend to get my nails done at 12:30 and that I am waiting for someone to come with me, but not sure who yet. She knew exactly what I was talking about. I sat down and watched out the window for probably 5 minutes when I see Baby’s mom walking up. I smiled and thought that was super sweet. A day of spending time with the women of his life! She walked in and hugged me before we told the receptionist what we wanted done. I am strictly a French manicure chick and Mom picked out her neutral grayish polish. We got pampered a bit and Mom paid for me while I was finishing up. I gave her the money from the envelope to reimburse her. We walked outside and I asked her if she was the one with the next envelope, and she said yes!

“Alright Babe… Time to put trust in my mom. Tell her to roll up her bandana and wrap it around your head and over your eyes. Love you and see you soon!”

I went from thinking there was more pampering to be done, to thinking that this might be the day. He might be asking me today. I wasn’t under that impression first because after my incessant hinting, he told me it wouldn’t be anytime in the immediate future. I started getting a little shaky, in a great way. I let Mom blindfold me and we waited a couple minutes for Baby. He got there and took my hands, guiding me to the car.

Mom took Nugget for us and we left. It felt like the longest drive I’ve ever felt. I was smiling the whole time, but so nervous. I had no idea where we could be headed. Racking my brain for important places from our relationship, I fiddled and fidgeted. He held my hand and gave it a few squeezes here and there. We finally got to wherever he was taking us. He kept me blindfolded and walked me to a specific spot. He told me to keep my eyes closed but took the blindfold off. After about 10 seconds, he said, “Open.” I opened my eyes and he was on one knee with a ring. I looked to my right. And saw a deck and a house. I kept looking around and saw familiar patio furniture, beautiful landscaping, and a pool. We were where we met 9 months ago, at the pool that we shot a music video at on September 3rd, 2017. I was in shock. I looked down at him with disbelief. “Will you marry me?” I almost dropped to my knees myself. I put my hands on his and said, “Of course I will marry you!” I pulled him up to hold him and we stood there embracing each other. I cried with his arms around me. I had honestly forgotten all about the ring while he held each other. I wiped my tears as I looked around the place we met. I never thought I’d be in this backyard again. He let go of me to put my gorgeous, massive ring on my finger. We kissed and laughed and lived in that moment. I walked to the chair I was sitting in when I first saw him. It felt like everything came full circle. He took my hand and we walked back to our car, an engaged couple. I asked him how he planned all this and how we remembered where this house was. He told me everything and I cried again in the car. He didn’t see it, but I did cry again. I couldn’t stop smiling, looking at my fiancé and my ring, and I couldn’t let go of his hand.

I gain so much in this future marriage. I am getting a husband, a step-son, and another wonderful family. I'm gaining the love and support of so many people that I didn't even know a year ago. I have been welcomed so easily and warmly into Baby's family these past 9 months. These two boys have answered my 22 years worth of hopes and dreams and prayers. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother, and now I have finally been given the opportunity to fulfill my lifelong dream. All three of us have been through so much in life and we are finally getting what we all deserve. "Happy" is the understatement of the year. I have no words to describe how I feel. I will never forget how in love I have been, how in love I am, or how in love I'm going to be for the rest of my life. I know for a fact that my boys were put on this earth for me. I won't let them down. We're going to be the Wielands.

[kirukkals]

GEORGIA - The little Europe!

When I mention Georgia, not many people living outside the middle east have even heard of this tiny beautiful country. It borders Russia, Turkey, Armenia and Azerbaijan, and just about 3 hrs flying from UAE. This was on the cards right from 2016 as a quick getaway holiday place. It happened now in Jan 2019 and we never imagined it would be another different experience all together.

Two reasons we chose Georgia - small country close to UAE which meant 3 to 4 days would do, and this time of the season would mean experiencing snow. We did a 3 day trip but I wish I had another couple of days to explore all parts of the country. Our friends had just been to the place for over a week, so we took their advice, booked ourselves the same guide for the entire 3 days.

We landed early morning in Tbilisi, the capital of Georgia. We headed west to Bakuriani, in search of some snow and were not let down. It was my first time to see an entire city covered with snow. Houses, fir trees, cars buried in snow, white roads and it felt like we were a part of a Christmas fairy tale movie. Our hotel apartment had a beautiful mountain view where all the Christmas trees were covered with snow.

Then of course, we did all the things that someone who has barely seen snow does, throwing snow ball at each other and attempting a snow man but what came out was infact a snow witch. We even tried sledging in steep slopes. Skipped the skiing, partly coz we were already tired after these games. It was freezing and though we had jackets and caps, it was too windy and cold. We weren't prepared with the right footwear, thought we could rent them, there was no such option and had to manage with ours. The first night we stayed in Bakuriani and experienced heavy snowfall. The entire night it rained snow. And WOW! The next morning, I couldn't take my eyes off the mesmerising mountain view. Nature is truly wonderful.

The next morning we wanted to do the Bakuriani to Borjomi train journey. So when our guide dropped us at a place, it didn't look a bit like station and all of a sudden a real sized train emerged from the corner. Only after the train arrived, did we notice that the place had tracks, had a platform that was hidden and a station exists and it was covered with a blanket of fresh snow. This train, with just 3 coaches, lazily covers 37kms in 2.5 hrs, just the right thing to do first up on a holiday morning. The train journey was absolutely snow scenic. We passed through snow forests, villages with colourful huts covered with snow, distant snow capped mountains and I could go on & on about the snow! If you have watched The Polar Express movie, you will know what I am talking about. Borjomi is yet another beautiful little town which is popular for its mineral rich water. We did a quadro bike ride in the Borjomi park which took us deep into the snow forest, middle of nowhere and white and blue were the only covers. That evening we moved to Tbilisi, the town centre.

Now, our guide Sukho is a Georgian, a proud native and he thoroughly enjoys explaining the richness of his country. All the 3 days that he showed us around, he made sure we appreciated the history behind the place. He was very helpful, open, good natured, friendly, humorous and all that. But what I could not stop noticing was that how much he enjoyed portraying his country and its culture to all other people. He is a good singer, a guitarist, worked earlier in media and quit his regular job to do what he likes the most.

Now you might even wonder why I am writing so much about him in my travel blog. We felt good to have had a guide who is a local. That way, we got to learn a lot about their way of life, food, festivities, history, culture, languages, their music, and so on. Can you imagine that Georgian music recorded on a golden disc and sent on the Voyager into space?! UNESCO has termed one of their writings as an ancient one?! Pagan was their religion and Christianity came in much later?! Their territory is still unstable and they had a war as recent as 2008?! They have been invaded over and over that they are always ready for a war?! Well, this and a lot more inside info is possible only with a native guide. That too a proud one! I definitely don't regret being an Indian, but at the same time I might not be a proud one. But looking at such people, I feel I should try to be more appreciative of my own culture and country and propagate it better to people around me. So, I started with Sukho himself and told him to visit India someday soon!

Getting back to the places, we visited the Uplistshike cave town which lies near the Gori city. The cave town is an amazing place to visit if you like to see and hear about ancient history. Made out of sandstone many centuries back, it still stands out as a massive structure on that mountain. We got some climbing to do and it was a windy place. The hill town has seen many great rulers, influencial queens, successful clay pot wine making, pagan worship, sun god worship, back to back invasions, it has been burnt down a few times and reconstructed, Christianity started taking form, and so on. The prison, fireplaces of common people, rulers main hall, pharmacy and many such spots are still seen. It takes us back to that age to imagine people would have lived there and walked the sandstone steps. The highlight was the secret tunnel through which they escaped during war. Easy steps are now built for us to pass through, but to think that people used that way to get out to the fast flowing river and escape, it is all quite incredible. What an easy, comfortable, modern life we live in today!

Gori in itself looked like a city that has been in and out of war many times. Burnt down structures, isolated houses, and the winter trees gave an eerie war feel to it. When mentioning this to our guide, he briefed us about the prevailing unstable conditions and the war that took place in 2008 between Georgia and the separatists with Russian backing. It is terrible to hear about such war in the 21st century. Joseph Stalin the great communist leader was born here in Gori. And on the way, we saw a few refugee camps, neatly built row houses with basic amenities given by the Georgian government. And to mention again, felt the sincere patriotism in our guide who said every Georgian will fight till his last breath to save his territory and culture.

Mtskheta is a beautiful old town with shops lined up showcasing the artisans work. Local sweets made out of walnuts, hazelnuts, honey, apples, pomegranates etc are mouth watering delicacies. Georgian salt and pepper tastes unique, similar to our Indian spices and could make a good seasoning for salads and soups. Honey is also a popular product being sold there. Georgia's main export is wine. Woollen clothes and art on clay wine pots are not to be missed. The cathedral in Mtskheta and Jvari Monastery are historical buildings. The belief is that the sacred robe of Jesus, the one that covered him during his crucifixion, is buried there. The winding roads up the hill to Jvari is a beautiful drive.

In Tbilisi, we stayed right at the city centre. Freedom Square is a popular happening place in the city and Hotel Marriott stands facing this. Well, being a budget trip (always!), we stayed in a small hotel apartment just behind the Marriott. All Seasons Hotel had a spacious comfortable room, neatly done. For the location, room, and breakfast, the rent was very less. Just like in the European cities, we saw cobblestone streets, freelance music bands, people wining and dining merrily. Because Romans & Greeks lived there ages back, we see a lot of their influence in the architecture.

The other attractions in the heart of the Tbilisi city are the Bridge of Peace, Roman bath, waterfalls, Narikala fortress, river cruise and the St. Trinity church which is the modern day construction. Georgians celebrate Christmas on Jan 7th and walking around on the eve helped to see the colourful city. The city was lit up and it was a festive mood all around.

For the very short time that we had, we could only cover so much. Still, it is a very memorable holiday which will be cherished.

[wanderbitesbybobbie]

#ADULTING: Your Best Friend Knows Better

“You are the most calm person I’ve ever met. It’s like… you don’t give a sh*t if you run out of time.” The scene is very vivid in my memory. I was lying on the grass at Botanical Gardens back in Sydney with my guy BFF while we were enjoying the Autumn breeze. He told me those exact words as we both shared the excitement of being in the pastry kitchen and having the opportunity to share a lot of hustle together. Looking back, I used to be that kind of person; however, living in a fast-paced city like Sydney completely altered my disposition. At times, I would go “YOLOing” and he would tell me, “Stop being a rebel. You’re not 13.” For some reason, I would stop and I’m like OK… Yeah. You’re right. (I always forget I’m an adult.)

The thing I love most about having a guy BFF like mine is that you get the best of two worlds actually. One is that, in every aspect of your life as a bewildered adult, you have someone to consult with the opposite sex. OK. Let’s not go as deep as “feminism” and “gender-equality”, but it’s genuinely just asking about anything under the sun (like probably, how a guy thinks in certain kinds of situation). Two, someone to share a platonic relationship with. NO DRAMA. Just sincerely caring for each other and pushing each other to be the best of who we may become in the future. But don’t get me wrong… We may be your #friendshipgoals but, WE ALSO FIGHT, OK? Like when we’re both pissed at each other, we seriously don’t talk for like two days max. But, hey, we always end up sorting things out. We probably just know when to keep our mouths shut.

For the past year, it has been my BFF (along side with our other friends) who literally was (and is still) beside me during my “roller coaster ride��� in Sydney. If not for them, I probably won’t be alive writing this blog post (LOL. OK. That’s too dramatic). But come to think of it. In a span of 12 months, the person whom I spent my time annoying and teasing actually taught me A LOT about life in more ways than one.

HEALTH COMES FIRST ABOVE ANYTHING ELSE. I have this frustrating habit of just letting things pass when I’m not feeling well and to those of you who have been with me in person, ya’ll know how “sick” I am when I say I’m sick. Let’s not go through my long novel of medical history. I tend to just google my symptoms and hope that my self-medication works, fingers-crossed. My BFF would always push me to go visit the doctor and I always resisted. Apparently, the last time he took me to the doctor… it wasn’t that bad. Just that, I was almost in the brink of “you-can-get-paralyzed” if you don’t do the therapies kind of thing.

Lesson Learned: Do not self-assess. Seek a professional medical practitioner.

PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. In the early stages of our friendship, we always thought we were both  “judgmental” in so many levels. We always tell each other our views about so many things (and people). In that regard, I realized… no matter how hard you try, you can’t just simply please everyone. There will be people who will judge you whatever you do. May I just quote what remained in my memory when I was crying to him over messenger because I felt judged just recently? “Live your life. Do what makes you happy, not what makes them happy. Stop pleasing other people. No matter how hard you try, you can’t live your life just trying to please everyone.” True story, apparently.

Lesson Learned: So dear friends… STOP. TRYING. 

SEEK RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE OF QUALITY, NOT OF QUANTITY. “If he values his pride like it’s some Prada-shit, then it’s not worth it.” I mean wow. For quite some time, I have been feeling down for all the wrong reasons and people, but this words from him struck me. It makes me laugh every time I remember this though. My BFF is not the type of guy who has a web of friends from all over the universe, but he taught me that he would rather have just a friend or two who are genuine rather than a thousand who knows nothing about his real personality. Don’t take this the wrong way, he’s a friendly and very approachable guy.

Lesson Learned: It takes more than a simple hi and hello to be promoted from “acquaintance” to “friends”. Building relationships takes time, efforts, and a whole-lot of trust.

WHATEVER HAPPENS TO YOU, LIFE GOES ON. There was a point in my life where I have been so depressed that I did not come out of my room for like three days straight. Every little thing that I would see would trigger me of all the bitterness that I could possibly take hold of from my chest. I was crying. My best friend would always ask me how I was each day, and it was probably the most exasperating feeling knowing that the person you used to spend happy times with is just in her room crying and not eating. Let’s all assume that’s how he felt that night. Haha. I’m an assuming person like that. So anyway, after long hours of our conversation, he finally sent me a message that opened my eyes into reality. “Grow up! You are not in a real life K-Drama. Stop being indecisive. You don’t have to make things hard for yourself. Leaving or staying is not supposed to be a tough decision to make. You know what’s best for you. Remember, decide for yourself and think about your well-being. The rest is nothing.” And so I did. I made a tough choice of leaving Sydney for a few months. I thought maybe, if I would try to heal myself from my invisible wounds, perhaps it’s better if I was in a familiar set-up. I told myself, he was absolutely right. It would probably be good for me emotionally, mentally, and physically if I was back in my comfort zone for some time… and yeah, it feels good to be back.

Lesson Learned: It’s OK not to be OK. It’s OK to fall apart, but learn when and where to reset. 

TIME IS ALWAYS VALUABLE, NO EXCUSES. I’m usually late and he hates me for it. If only being late could kill, I am probably dead (multiple times) by now. LOL. There are things my BFF won’t ever trust me with. 1. Going to the doctor when I know I’m sick. 2. Getting to places with just a map (he’s my personal GPS, so I’m too spoiled to even read Google Maps.) 3. Not eating the foods that I’m allergic with. 4. BEING ON TIME. To those of you who knows us personally, you know how early he always is and you know I’m the exact opposite. But, I’m working on my “timing”, OK? Except when unexpected shit happens (like train being delayed for “suicide” reasons which happens in Sydney on a monthly basis, or having to get my house-movers’ truck fit through the parking space which literally has 2 meters vertical clearance while my friends are waiting for me for lunch). MY APOLOGIES. But, aside from unanticipated circumstances like those, there is NOOOO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE for being late, and that’s what I’m still learning up to this moment. My BFF would always tell me, “You can’t always make people wait for you like your time is the only thing that’s valuable. They have a lot of things on their plate as well. It’s not always about you. That’s another person’s time wasted with you being late, you know?” OK, princess. The-royalty-is-never-late-it’s-just-that-people-arrived-early doesn’t work in reality.

Lesson Learned: Time is valuable. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Time is wealth but unlike money, you can’t replace it. So stop wasting other people’s time. Their time is just as costly as yours. 

To be honest, an entire blog post is not enough with the sooo many lessons I learned (and still learning) by just having a conversation with my BFF. Things like spending money, and how one person can never be too independent, or planning the future wisely ahead, building empires, and sometimes outrageous stuff which I never thought I would ever encounter… I probably already talked about it with him. I am just beyond lucky to have met him in my lifetime. Just like what I said on my previous post, if you meet those people who still believes in you despite what you’ve been through, cherish them. THEY ARE YOUR PEOPLE.

Every time I do something, I would always ask him jokingly, “What would you do without me?” And he would always answer with a laugh, “I would die without you.” Hahaha. It’s funny, because actually it’s the other way around. “Dear Best Friend, I honestly don’t know what to do without you.”

I hope one day, you meet your best guy friend too (and yeah, we also go through that part when everyone thinks he’s my boyfriend or I’m his girlfriend and people think it’s hard to tell coz we’re always together. LMAO). We just laugh it off, but on a serious note… The best part of it is that no matter what happens, you always know that you have someone who listens regardless of how long your rant is and he will hit you back with reality. He will be your partner-in-crime, and though sometimes he may be too “honest” for a guy, you know he is just being logical. This is ADULTING. Life will give you lessons the hard way, it’s up to you who you learn it with.

  #ADULTING: Your Best Friend Knows Better was originally published on WanderBitesByBobbie

[mindmmxvii]

Nein

Hello Blog, how’s your blogosphere? Is it chilly like our atmosphere? Do you even have seasons or weather over there? Well if you don’t you aren’t missing much right now, though I have to admit I’m partial to the warm. Funny how I was considering moving to a place known as the windy city then. Anyway, on to things of more substance.

See the doc

Help Sis make goal list (much like mine)

I woke up at 9 today, considering I went to bed after 1. Did a quick 7 min workout, showered and took Al back to my Dad’s house. Work went pretty smoothly. Monday’s are typically a slower catch up day and today was no exception. I went by my favorite client for our 10 AM Monday onsite visit and was greeted by cookies and oatmeal (weeee). I had lunch at home and made a few pit stops for work before showing up for my doctor appointment. I was strangely calm all things considering. I filled out the patient forms and waited for my NextDoor recommended doctor. When the doc came, I told him everything. Well everything that pertained to me medically.

I explained that for the past... 7 years? I have been slowly having more and more heart issues. I explained about the one weekend where I woke at 4 am due to my heart beating so rapidly... Up until the sleeplessness and chest pain recently. I explained how it has been a slow decline in my heart’s “stamina”, that doesn't usually affect me during the daytime but has plagued me during times of relaxation or sleep. I went over how I sometimes feel spasms in my muscles at times, how I would wake up with no pulse in one extremity and after moving around slowly geting it back, about how I would have pain in one leg in sync with my pulse that would slowly fade away, or the terrified race my heart would have during the day at the early stages. God thinking back I must have sounded like a mad man or a hypochondriac. Maybe I am? Honestly I’ve never written down all the “symptoms” I have had, I’m sure I could have gone on longer if I prepared.

He was exceedingly nice and went to great lengths to make me feel comfortable while I was talking. He even brought me tea. He then proceeded to take my pulse, blood pressure, then sent me down for an ECG and a Holter monitor. Now an electrocardiogram (ECG) is basically where they hook little probes up to your chest and monitor the electricity of your heart for a little bit. It gives you a quick snapshot of how your heart is pumping. The test was painless, just hooking cold gel things up to my chest and laying down. A Holter monitor is basically a longer version of an ECG. As I type this I have little probes attached to my chest that are recording every beat my heart makes. I’ll keep it on for 24 hours then give it back so they can go through the data. Oh last thing is blood work, which I will do tomorrow, provided they have openings for me. The ECG readings and other minor checks, are available right away, so walking back to his office had me... hopeful? I have had physicals and blood work in the past years but I never told anyone of my problems, so they never dug too deep. I wanted these results to come back quick and for him to say “Oh look, you have some heart disease!”. I just wanted to know the problem so I could fix it. Haha see I want to fix my hard problems now, instead of ignoring them.

I didn’t get that. My blood pressure was 110/60, heart was at 55 bps, and the ECG all looked normal. He said the ECG and heart beat was a little on the low side but that was normal for very healthy people. Honestly I’m not too surprised as I am feeling great today and plus why would one visit to the doctor magically find my problem? I needed to show them my problem when it was happening. Sleeping would do that. Playing video games will also do it. I’m not even going to touch that statement right now.. So much to examine with my priorities and where they were at... Ugg. Anyway, looking at me, you would think “oh he is a physically fit skinny person, there is nothing wrong with him!”. I’m sure that’s what the doc thought, as he then proceeded to prescribe me sleeping meds. He had mentioned them before when we were talking, maybe he thinks I am just trying to scam him for some pills? I was throwing symptoms around like a monkey who just found some poo. mrahh I’m a mess.

I left shortly after and I figured my only hope at this point is to try my best to have the most restless sleep of my life so they catch some weird shit tonight. Ha, first night in a long time I hope I don’t have a full nights rest. I decided that I deserve a little treat so I stopped by Penn Station on the way home. First time eating out, by myself, this year actually. I get a 12″ veggie, a small fry, and a cookie (don’t tell them but I always steal an extra cookie, I’m such a kleptomaniac). I stuff my face as soon as I get back to my basement and watch the newest It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode. Humm I’m content. So I suppose people are right when they say happiness is a full belly, because today is the first day I went over my calorie count! I did so fantastically, like almost 900 calories over (not counting my activity for the day). Fast food, and cookies, strike again.

I dive into my guitar and play for a couple hours. I’m feeling better at this point so I grab my sister and we talk major shop. We decided to make a list exactly like mine and slowly work toward some agreed upon goals. We got her signed up for GPG (Gateway Pet Guardians) and had some pretty exhausting conversations about her aspirations and where she sees herself in a year or two. It’s a slow thing but I think I am reeling her out of her fantasies. They are a great place but we can’t stay there for any meaningful amount of time without causing damage. Sometimes irreparable damage.

Now I’m sitting in bed after my normal bedtime activities wondering about what this means for me. I mean, I told someone about my issues, something well I never thought would happen. I told him and I’ve told you blog. Well I really havn’t actually. I haven’t told you, Blog, the reasons that brought me here. How when it first was happening, when I would pace for hours till I thought my heart would calm down the entire time wide eyed and freaked. How I told my Dad and he said it was nothing to worry, just to deal with it, that we didn't want the ER visit expenses. At the time I was not insured for health care. I haven’t explained how 6 months later I finally found a job and had money to afford health care, then about 3 months later I mustered up the courage to see some one and admit my problem. I saw a doctor my family has been to who ran some tests (ECG I think and something else that x-rayed my heart) and gave me a pep talk about how I was most likely going to die. Honestly the entire talk seems like a fever dream at this point. I don’t remember a lot of the finer details but he made my situation seem like it would lead to a short lifespan. That doctor died a short time after that and I haven’t told anyone else of our conversations. I haven’t thought about that day in a long time. I dwelled on it so much at the time, and as time went on I just wanted to ignore it. 

I was more of a carefree person but I changed to a more focused and analytical person after that. I honestly had faced the prospect of death before that day, on the numerous occasions I had thought I may be dieing when I would have one of my episodes. I was slowly but surely coming to grips with my own death. I didn’t want to die, just if it happened, it happened. I wasn’t going to sit around worrying about it when I most likely didn't have time to spare anyway. As I was saying, things became more clear. If they didn’t help me in the short term, then why was I doing them? College? Not worth it. Investments? Nah. Marriage? Irrelevant. I wasn’t a psychopath or uncaring though. I found I really couldn’t be completely selfish. I ended up taking out two life insurance policies, why burden my family financially when I’m gone? Marriage wasn’t for me but I still got the most out of longer relationships, so I had two 3+ year relationships since that time. Both were still ruined by me and choices that favored the short term.

We are all still animals and subject to the bodys wants. I have sexual urges and I figured with my new outlook on life, I should act on them as much as I wanted. I could end up hurting people but in the end I could just move on, it’s not like I could have built something to last even if I wanted to. I worked on things that mattered to me and ignored many of the problems in my life for a long as I could. I was a wholly good person, but I sometimes did things because I wanted to get the most out of my experiences. If I ever got the urge to do something that may upset someone, I put myself first and acted.

Man blog, I feel like I am rambling now. Glad you could listen to me drone on forever. Well things came to a climax recently and I fucked up so majorly, it flipped my switch. I mean I think I actually want to live. It’s like typing those words gave them new meaning, like they aren’t fragile anymore, they won’t just float away. I figured I’d be dead by now back when I first made my decisions, but here I am typing away, apparently a very healthy person according to my doc. 

I’m not afraid anymore. To care and cherish, to embrace my feelings I cut off so long ago, to explore what the rest of my life could hold, to just plan for more than what I can get right now. It breaks me to say these things though because I may have health issues. I’m not sure what I would do if I was told all over again that my long term plans would most likely be fruitless, that these big questions didn’t need answering, that love isn’t for me. I’m sitting here crying I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose her. maybe I need support but I’ve made sure I’m doing this alone. Why does this hurt so bad?

Ha I didn’t mean to offend you blog, you andI are in this togther. Typing things out to you is... it’s collecting my thoughts and giving me time to process them. You are invaluable to me now blog and I would hate to lose you. Well look at me. It’s past 1 AM again. Ah I thin I’ve split enough of my guts, I need sleep. Horrible horrible restless sleep. My bed is so empty now I can spread out and never touch another soul.

to cheers -mind