#someone punched ryuji in the dick and he died from it and they were like NOOOO I DIDNT MEAN TO ...

[dirt-str1der]

Yeah whatever happened to that hot taxi driver

[goodestboyryuji]

Phantom thieves and hogwarts houses GO

YOU JUST MADE MY DAY. HERE WE GO FAM (I’m not finished with the game so since I don’t know much about Haru we’re just gonna go through Futaba)

Starting with my best boy Ryuji Sakamoto IS A HUFFLEPUFF AND THERE IS NO ARGUMENT AGAINST IT. I will accept that Ryuji has Gryffindor qualities (bravery, not afraid of confrontation, risk-taker, etc) but that boy is NOTHING if not LOYAL. Ryuji is sunlight incarnate I will accept no other metaphor. He cares about literally everyone before he cares about himself. He literally offers to be beat up if it would make his old team feel better (pls). He is relationship-driven and his risk-taking behaviors, his confrontations, his passion for justice all come from helping out someone else. Definitely the kinda dude that would consider the house elves in a dire situation. He’s so aggressively selfless that it’s almost like “pls care about yourself first just once.” Ryuji time and time again puts other people before his personal needs and safety without a single second of hesitation. He just DOES it. And he’ll do it fifty times if you need him to. If you call him at 3am crying he’s showing up in your room, sneaking you into the Hufflepuff common room for snacks.  If you don’t have a pencil in class, he’s giving you his without mentioning it’s his only one (s’not like he was gonna do nothin’ with it anyway). You about to head into a fight he’s got no stake in? Doesn’t matter, he’s got your back. He once punched a student for making snide comments about another student’s sexuality and he has no ragrets about it. A blushin’ fool whenever someone is tender towards him cause he’s so busy being that/doing that to everyone else he doesn’t think about being on the receiving end. He’s just happy to make someone else smile, ya know? HE IS KIND. HE IS TRUE. HE IS A HUFFLEPUFF.

Akira Kurusu is 3000% a Slytherin. Dark, mysterious, smug ass mofo. A leader of his in-group (teenagers being the in-group, adults being the out-group) and thus inclusive in the sense that anyone who joins the cause can be a Phantom Thief. Where a Hufflepuff (Ryuji) might do anything for anyone they care about impulsively, a Slytherin pauses for a second, calculating–instead of diving headfirst to save Ryuji in the first palace and ending up with nothing, he hesitates and that’s when Aresene is like “so u gonna let the boy die??” and akira is like “no gimme a second there’s a fucking mask on my face.” His persona is all about MAGIC and DARKNESS if that’s not obvious enough for ya. This boy is snakey sneaky, all cunning eyes and cocky smiles and deep, mocking laughs. He knows he’s powerful and he’s not afraid to show you that he knows it. What’s wrong with knowing your own strength? Let’s not forget he is a master of interrogation. The ultimate trickster, he’s not above pulling dumb pranks on you and blaming it on a Gryffindor for its lack of complexity. He a good dude, tho, because obviously Slytherins aren’t bad. He gives his plant nutrients to make it stronger bc he likes building something up to be more than it started (most ppl would just water it but aiight dude). He’ll casually walk up behind you while you’re getting bullied, sling his arm around your shoulders, and be like “something the matter?” Totally threatening without a single verbal threat. Secretly loves bubble baths, will give you a scathing look if you even try to tease him about it tho. 

Ann Takamaki, Gryffindor extraordinaire. She starts out kinda timid but she’s actually daring af. She keeps a relationship with Kamoshida who is the worst man alive just for her friend’s sake, but she also isn’t afraid to ignore Kamoshida’s calls (hesitant =/= afraid, ok). Fiery af, Ann is liable to go off on you at any time for a bunch of really good reasons (and some just ok). Ryuji, stop being a dick. Akira, enough brooding. Morgana, shut up for once. Just as spirited as Ryuji, but his light is like warmth and hers is like scorching. Like…literally, her specialty is fire these things write themselves i swear to god. Extremely passionate, especially for the things she believes in like The Phantom Thieves, Shiho (obviously), and giving people courage to stand up for themselves. She really wants to prove herself, seen esp in her social link, and be strong for herself and others. She’s headstrong, kind to the little guy, scathing to the big guy. She’s incredibly competitive and gets into eating contests all the time in the Gryf common room (she also wins every time, especially if the food of choice is crepes). She knows she is beautiful, and is thus confident, but avoids being vain by reminding herself how each person she comes across is also beautiful (”pretty eyes, biggest heart”). Feeling insecure? Call Ann, she’ll hype you up in under ten seconds. Spend an hour with her in a crowded room and you’ll swear it was just you two the whole time. Ann is giving, courageous, and ready to fly off the handle if need be. 

Yusuke Kitagawa, my darling painter boy, is a Ravenclaw. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back!!!!! Yusuke is a Ravenclaw through and through. He wants to know more, wants to expand his understanding. He’s not afraid of doing whatever it takes to achieve these things: he’ll spend hours watching the river, waiting for something to come to him, or he’ll awkwardly approach a couple in love and ask them what their love life is like (he needs to know for a painting ok it’s not a sexual thing). He is elegant and fluid and his definition of “the finer things in life” EDIT i’m dying i accidentally wrote “finger things in life” the first time depends on how much he knows about it and how much value he sees in it (for example, a cup of coffee brewed by Akira is one of the most delicious things he’s ever known, much finer than any rich person food, purely for the effort it takes to think of the beans, to make sure the water is the right temperature, etc). Gets lost in his head all the time. Has an understated air of haughty in certain situations, like he’s fully aware he’s better than u but only mentions it to remind you when it seems you’ve forgotten. Uses way too many words to describe a sneeze just because he can.  Yusuke doesn’t give a shit who you are: if you came out to him, he’d nod solemnly and then ask if he could interpret your emotions into an abstract painting (that he would then gift to you, of course). He’d ask you on museum dates, historical bus tour dates (why yusuke why), planetarium dates *cough*, even if things between you two were totally platonic. He just likes discovering, especially with someone he can bounce ideas off of. 

Makoto Nijima is, brace yourself, a Gryffindor. WHAT. yes. trust. Dis girl is POWERFUL. And you can be Ravenclaw and powerful too, no doubts about it, but just because she’s top of her class doesn’t mean she’s Ravenclaw. She studies cause she’s competitive. She’s student council president because she likes the status, the power associated with it (power to protect, to serve, not corrupt power). Makoto is also fiery like Ann, but in a different way. She doesn’t fly off the handle like Ann can; Makoto calculates first, strategizes, and then fuckin’ GOES FOR THE KILL. She’s a headshot kinda girl–take em out simply, easily, quickly (metaphorically speaking obvs she doesn’t go around killing ppl). Queen is a very apt codename because Makoto’s path is a fiery blaze of ambition and strength. She’s gonna get what she wants because she’s been working very hard for it and don’t u take that away from her u piece of shit. She’s not terribly confident though, and this sometimes makes her feel uncomfortable in the Gryf common room when everyone is talking about their achievements. She’d rather just show than tell. Not really a master of stealth (lol), Makoto is your big sister in the hallways always looking out for you. If someone breaks your heart she will literally punch them in the face (and apologize profusely afterwards, but you know she’s secretly p pleased with herself). She likes learning new things about the world, always turns it into a competition with you even if it pushes her boundaries (you two went to a strip club once and even though you put a dollar on the stage, she one-upped you by putting it in a thong, face blushing so hard but determined to overcome). Her drive and determination are her biggest, most redeemable, wonderful qualities. The rest is just the happy byproduct. 

Snarky is as Slytherin does for Futaba Sakura. This girl is a nightmare in all the best ways. Somehow she figures out your weakness just by looking at you and has the ability to absolutely destroy you in just a few words. What she doesn’t show is the literal hours of research she did on you beforehand: she bugged your robe, your wand, set up a camera in your common room…a girl’s gotta have intel, alright? Futaba is an actual mastermind of everything, but the Hat settled on Slytherin because of how Futaba intended to utilize such knowledge. She doesn’t love it for the sake of knowing it, she loves it for what power it gives her. Futuba loves the upper hand and having full view of the whole picture, so Slytherin’s innate ability to lead a situation and turn tables was a huge calling point for her. If Akira is the dark mysterious Slytherin, Futaba is the loud and out of control Slytherin who nobody messes with because she’s got dirt on everyone and the means to release it widely. She prefers to stay in her room than gather with her house or other classmates, often completing assignments from there, but no one minds because it’s not like she’s really gone. She conjures up stand ins for her and speaks through them, engaging without really engaging. Watch out for when Akira and Futaba team up tho–they’re the Slytherin version of Fred and George, conniving and ruthless when it comes to playing tricks on you. Like Akira, she’s still a good girl: she understands anxiety better than anyone and is well known for comforting students who fall into a panic attack. She struggles with social situations sometimes and no one makes mention of it, this time not because they’re afraid of her but because they care about her and they know she’d never cross a line with them, so why cross one with her? She just likes to wield information like a weapon. That’s all. >:)

I forgot Morgana lmao so you can find that here