#someone made me feel insecure + new program and lonely at school + bad short internship + problems at home + transportation problems

[rubiatinctorum]

it's going on two years since the horrors kicked in. mid-august 2022 the thread came loose and by god it's unraveled so much the garment just isn't what it was anymore. it's strange looking at posts coming up saying 'here's what you posted two years ago!' and looking back in on some of the last good times before it went to shit. i'm starting to have good times again without also carrying just like, a terrible amount of dread or anguish with me, and i wish it didn't take nearly two years of waiting to get back there. even still, i'm not fully back. the grief is still a wound that's easy to knock open. but i'm trying.

[mariellewritesalot]

The Skinny on Being Body Positive

I have a problem with body image in 2018, and how only half of the progress is made by humanity to be a little kinder to ourselves regarding our bodies. The worse part is, I’m one of those people who fall for the standards of what’s hot and what’s not. The growing pains of teenage years, as it would seem, when social media and attention amount to basically everything in life. Instagram gratification through comments that say or even closely sound like, “Uy, pumayat ka!” somehow makes not eating rice and working out after school so worth it--no matter who sent it. Who cares, right? As long as someone thinks you’re attractive. Things like that serve as motivation, but really, it also becomes an underlying proof of how shallow and vain we can get. There’s nothing wrong with trying to take care of your body, that’s actually a great place to start as you mature, but sometimes we tend to get a little too enthusiastic that we start to punish ourselves unnecessarily through food-shaming or starvation or working out so hard after an equally busy day that you throw up and feel sick for two days straight after. I’m not someone anyone would call ‘fitness goals’ or ‘body goals’ because I still have a lot to work on, but I have a thing or two to say about how trying to live healthy could get unhealthy if we let it.

Growing up, my size and weight has always been fluctuating. In some photos I am chubby, in others, just right. Of course, as a kid, body size is the least of our worries; what with ninangs making gigil about how cute we are. Sometime around when I was 10 years old though, I started to feel a little bit more conscious, but whenever I brought up the idea of dieting, adults would always say I’m too young to worry about my weight. I let it slide. There were more problems to think about, after all. Come in high school, the pressure to look pretty and be what society claims to be ‘sexy’ rose up as we ranked up another grade level every year. Everyone around me at that time started getting boyfriends, and it always puzzled me, growing up from a conservative family and all. It didn’t help that I was the only girl, so getting involved with boys romantically wasn’t really a priority. That’s how people started to tell me, I could be pretty if I tried. I rarely did. I was going through puberty like everyone else so I couldn’t possibly know what I truly want to look like if my acne kept coming back and my hair was a big curly mess. I wore glasses since the 4th grade, so that automatically puts me in the ‘smart girl stereotype’ who holed up in the classroom and was labeled as a nerd. I have been chubby most of my life, so much that I don’t even notice it when I lose or gain weight until I look back to my photos from a few years later and see differences.

In the 10th grade, I was introduced to blogilates by Janiene, and sometimes tried to squeeze in a quick workout there from time to time. I was never consistent though, but it was okay. I started setting up goals and telling myself that when I turn 16, I should be at my prime. I should be able to go to family outings and wear a bikini, but I never did. At 16 I was still the same girl, and it became frustrating with every condescending comment whenever I ate a lot of food in front of friends and family. One relative even told me, “You have the body of a 30 year old,” which of course, for a teenage girl trying to get over insecurity issues, stung. So much that I still remember it to this day. When my mom would get me clothes and they won’t fit, in her exasperation she would unconsciously say something like, “You need to lose weight. You keep getting fatter.” Of course, having 5 brothers also put me on their radar a lot of times, earning me teasing on the daily. I was always made to feel about my weight, every once in a while someone will come in to the rescue and say, “You’re not that fat,” and it would make me feel a little bit better. Only until a few years later did I realize how unhealthy it was that being fat was associated to being ugly, when it shouldn’t have been like that. Not everyone is built to lose weight no matter how much they try healthy eating or exercise if their body type can only cater to so much.

I hit quite a low point for my body in 2016, when I started Senior High. I was usually around 135lbs/61kg but I noticed how my weight went up and my clothes felt a little bit snug as months went by. I would say the cause of it is both stress and happiness that causes “love chub” aka the fat that comes from being so happy and in love that people tend to overeat and feel too lazy to move around. When someone adores you no matter what size, it’s easy to let go of those fitness goals, and forget about trying to impress other people. Food becomes your best friend and a way of bonding with your significant other. The pressure is somewhat taken off. However, the little monster was still there, gnawing at my newfound confidence. Whenever a lot of people would comment that I’m gaining weight or I take photos and see that I look larger than usual, I would feel sad and cry about it. I eventually reached 153lbs/70kg and during the summer of 2017, I decided I would try to get rid of my extra weight. It wasn’t healthy anymore since my metabolic age reached 26, and I wanted to actually look better for my debut in November. This was the time I realized how discouraging it was when people don’t believe that you can do it, and how encouraging it was to get your heartbroken while you’re in the process of it all.

In a few months, I was down to 130lbs/59kg which now is my constant weight, though it occasionally rises up to 62kg during weeks when I don’t diet or workout. Goes to show how slow my metabolism is. I gain back weight easily if I don’t keep it together. Back in August 2017, I crossed off wearing a bikini on my list and for the first time took photos in the gym, coincidentally also the on the first time I went there. My diet is basically less carbs and sugar, more protein. I lived off skyflakes, bananas, yakult, homemade salads, soy milk and yogurt. I avoided fast food whenever I could and when eating outside, ordered the healthiest thing on the menu. I learned how to count calories using MyFitnessPal and kept it under 1200 most of the time. My workout is pilates at home and sometimes when I have all the time in the world, jogging at the oval. There are good days and bad days for my program, but what’s important to me is I am consistent with getting back on track no matter how many times I fall off the wagon. However, when Christmas and New Year break rolled around, I felt guilty as hell when all the food had come and gone and I am left with a lot of bloating and new added weight to ring in the new year. The frustration was back, harder than ever, since people have looked up to me after I kept the weight off.

When 2018 came, I tried to go on a reset to ease my guilt. It was going pretty well, I worked out everyday and removed dairy, gluten, added sugar, alcohol, and processed food on my diet. I went a little crazy, crying when I craved something and had to live off only on what I was allowed to eat. I thought I could go on for 28 days, but of course, eating less than required and working out did not go well with my hectic as hell schedule. I had classes, school paper and council meetings, and a lot of things on my plate. To top it all off, I workout as soon as I get home, skip dinner, and barely get enough time to sleep for the next day. I often felt a headache coming on, but chose to ignore it or down antibiotics until it fades away. My friends who see my eating habits at school were starting to worry I was going to have an eating disorder, while some classmates wanted to try eating healthy for a change because they saw how it worked out for me. I got tired of listening and was just determined to get through it and see results. Eventually, I got really sick. I started losing all energy and resulting to bad stomach aches with diarrhea and throwing up even without eating anything. Got really scary, almost got admitted to the hospital, and was taking a lot of medicine and bed rest for 4 days. Everyone around me told me it might be because I was pushing myself too hard on the losing weight thing that it backfired. Maybe it did, so I took a short break. Tomorrow I’m back to working out, but now I’m altering my diet into a healthier one that leaves me room to at least enjoy every once in a while instead of punishing myself for indulging my whims. 

The reason I’m writing this and telling you all about my journey with all its ups and downs no matter how much it hurts my ego to let you all in on my insecurities and ugly secrets, is because today I caught myself being someone I didn’t want to become: hungry for validation from others. There I was, scrolling through random girls’ Instagram pages, feeling really ugly and shitty about how I look, and at the same time feeling guilty about eating puff pastry, a rice meal, and Cheetos all in one day. A thing I don’t normally do anymore. I had a moment to myself to stop and realize that what makes trying to be healthy unhealthy is the way I compare my progress and body type to other people and letting negativity beat me to the ground until I’m back to living in agony; all in hopes of looking how society wants me to look like. I start to wonder if I’m still doing it for myself like how I was doing it before, or if I’m just overcome by pressure from other people to look my best. A lot of self-reflection was put into work, and I started thinking how lonely it would be if there are girls out there, especially those younger than me, who feel ugly just because of their body sizes and it breaks my heart. I don’t want them to feel the weight on their shoulders, and for them to think they aren’t pretty just because they’ve got a little chub here and there or they’re thinner than normal. It’s actually okay, and I commend people who try to stay fit, but making other people feel bad because they don’t look like they’re straight out of a magazine with perfect obliques, toned abs, and a huge front and behind is something that needs to be stopped. I don’t want to set a negative example on anyone, so I will take it easy on myself and be kinder with my judgment of other people from now on. 

 I am slowly learning how to move in my own pace, rejoice in my triumphs, and forgive myself whenever I slip up a few times. I’m going to have days of thinking, “fuck it, I’m having that donut” whenever I deserve it after working too hard academically or not. All in moderation. I know there will be days when I will feel tired of keeping up, and that I will constantly live in fear of not looking good enough, but I promise to be kinder to myself and to give myself breaks. I am no celebrity, I can’t afford gym memberships or surgical alterations, but I will make the best out of what I can do. Other people’s comments will either lift me up or bring me down, that’s for sure, but I will back myself up and think: What do I want? What do I think is better for myself? I will choose my words and battles, constantly trying to become a better person inside and out everyday. January might have been a bad start for this year, but I’ve got high hopes for the next few months to come because I stay driven and hungry in the best possible way, and what’s more is that I get to tell you that it does get better. I’m rooting for you to overcome the way society keeps body-shaming everyone that no one is sure what’s real or not anymore. So, make sure you do.

Always, 

Marielle