#someone is gonna have to convince my clown ass self that she's not wearing a bi flag ring in that last gif

[chippdhearts]

Catherine Willows in Every Episode [3/259] 1x03 ★ Crate 'n' Burial

[zankivich]

An Unexpected Romance: Chris Evans x Black! Female Reader Part 2

a/n: this one was really fun to write. I’m back in my bag tbh. These are some cute characters if I do say so myself. Like everything I write I feel like  this could be a fully blown multi-chapter fic. Also it’s finna get smutty so I hope you’re prepared for that. Let me know what you think? K bye. 

WARNINGS: Smut, softness, too much cuteness? 

Part 1 Part 3

The call comes two days later. Not that he leaves any room to be forgotten. No, Chris had texted you bright and early the next morning to thank you again for giving him a chance, and to apologize if he’d been in any way aggressive. You were quick to reassure him there’d been no aggressiveness on his end, certainly not any that was unwanted. He was a good texter, happy to provide details about himself, and to notice the details you, yourself, provided.

Chris: What are you up to this morning anyway?

Y/n: I had an early meeting with the company I just signed on with for a project I’m spearheading, and now I’m in my office preparing the debrief on that meeting which will be presented at another meeting.

Chris: Wow. Sounds intense. What do you do for a living?

Y/n: I’m a senior level consultant at a consulting firm. I basically just get hired to tell folks what they’re doing wrong and how to fix it. Then I leave before they fix it.

Chris: Ah so you liked to be in control huh?

Y/n: I...trust my gut, and my gut has yet to lead me astray. I only make decisions I believe in.

Chris: And what is your gut telling you about me y/n?

Y/n: It’s telling me to keep texting you even when I shouldn’t. Even when I’m busy. I like the things you say.

Chris: I like that. My gut is telling me you’re important. I can’t really explain it further than that. I just think we could be really good together.

You bit your lip, eyes roaming over the words in the message a few times. It was sweet. Damn him all to hell.

Fast forward to the next day where you’d spent all day outside of the office meeting with clients. He caught you in the middle of your lunch break between bites of sandwich that wasn’t very good. You’d put his name in your phone as just Chris, and yet when his name flashed across the screen the letters may as well have been hieroglyphics. It took you ten seconds just to get your shit together.

“Hello?” You swallowed into the phone, trying to manage an up-beat cadence.

Chris was like honey through the phone, as if the weight of the conversation was nothing to him.

“Hello. God, I gotta tell you it’s good to hear your voice. I thought I was starting to lose it in my memory for a second.”

You chuckled. “I’m sure it’s been exceptionally trying for you.”

“It has, it has. So perhaps you won’t think I’m being too pushy by asking you out tonight?”

You moved the phone just far enough away from your ear to wordlessly praise the lord to the air. Or whoever was up there.

“Um...tonight, huh?”

“Yea do you already have plans?”

“No, no. I just have a pretty long day ahead of me. I might not be able to make an early dinner.”

“Well that’s okay. Dinner isn’t even what I had in mind. What if I picked you up at, say eight-thirty? Would that be enough time?”

You bit your lip. “It would...Can I ask, if we’re not going to dinner, where are we going?”

“Now that....is a surprise. Send me your address, I’ll be there at eight-thirty sharp.”

“Oh lord. Okay I guess I’ll see you then.”

“I look forward to it.”

It took you a moment to remember to put the phone down. Men were usually very simple. Dinner, usually somewhere they can order a steak. They like to do dinner on the earlier side, give them ample time to order drinks. The more drinks they order the higher they believe their chance of sleeping with you goes up. In all your years of “grown up dating”, you could count on one hand the amount of men who had offered to take you somewhere other than dinner on the first date, and never had that place been alcohol free.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was more that understanding men; their preconceived notions, their inadequacies, their mentality etc. was about safety for yourself and for others who may fall victimized. The patriarchy was toxic afterall and perhaps no one knew this better than Black women.

And yet Chris seemed to be evading your expectations, and not for the sake of keeping you on your toes. It was as if his aura existed outside of your expectations all together. He didn’t need to trick you, or convince you. He was just himself, and that self was perhaps better than the vast majority of men you’d met in your life. Could that be? Was it really possible? It seemed like you’d find out regardless.

***

Large hoop earrings are truly a staple piece for any iconic outfit. Without the dread of a formal dinner, you were excited to play with your wardrobe a little bit. There was a beautiful pastel pink camisole that matched a floral set of pumps quite perfectly. The slicked back ponytail and the knitted cardigan are simply added bonuses. Ya girl looked good as per the usual is the moral of the story.

By the time he knocks on your door there’s a giddiness to you. Grownup dating seemed to lack a certain excitement at that point in your life. Oftentimes priorities didn’t match up, men didn’t say what they really wanted, or truly were after. But it really did seem like Chris just wanted to show you a good time. And as much as you were trying to keep the walls up and stay smart, you couldn’t help but be hopeful that he might prove you wrong.

“Hello.” He smiled warmly at the threshold. “You look beautiful.”

Your brain had short-circuited. This was basically nuclear warfare and you were not having it! He was wearing a thin black sweater that stretched tightly across the firmness of his chest. There was a level of scruff that was absolutely tantalizing, and the way his eyes were one step away from twinkling like an anime character was a reality that suffocated you with the weight of it. It was truly too much. This man looked straight out of a factory. The wind had been zapped from your sails. Dammit.

“You look...really good yourself.” You hummed. “Like, unnaturally good actually.”

He only laughed wild and carefree arms coming up into a shrug.

“I gotta keep up with you somehow, right? So you ready to go?”

“Yes actually, let me just shoot a quick text…” You mumbled, swiping your fingers across the screen.

y/n: Okay we’re leaving the house. Remember if I don’t text back for an hour without stating why to track my phone.

Raya: don’t worry girl ain’t nobody gone call the police on captain america. Yo black ass wouldn’t make it a second

Jesse: Me and my cousins will ride up there swinging if need be. You just say the word mija

Tanya: or not word….cause the girl might be dead????

Jesse: Oh...you right

Y/n: okay BYE NOW

Usually the group text for dates was centered on safety and precaution. You had a feeling this one was going to be fully for them to clown your ass for the rest of the night.

Chris gets the door for you, and it’s easy to note immediately that you’re sliding into a tesla. The fact that it looks like a spaceship on the inside is a dead giveaway. But the car is warm and the second he slides into the driver’s seat, his large frame takes up precedence in the vehicle. His non-driving arm lands on the middle console sending parks of heat over to your seat with stark intensity.

“So, you’re still not gonna tell me where we’re going? You know that’s like prime serial killer talk right?” You noted.

He smiled again, this wide grin that seemed to transform his entire face. It seemed infectious just to look at him.

“Gosh you’re totally right. I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, we’re heading towards the city and not away from it. It’s a public place, I promise.”

“Okay Chris. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt...for now.” You teased.

He looked over at you instead of the road.

“I like the way you say my name.”

Oh chile….

“Mmm. Noted.”

There had been a certain energy the night you met. It had existed in the non-existent space between your bodies as he held you against his chest. A sort of aura that pulled you, pulled the both of you in. It had felt a little overwhelming then, but to know that it existed now within the small confines of the car was another thing entirely. Your body tilted in the direction of his unconsciously, your elbow propped on the console directly next to his. You were drawn to him. And the good news was he seemed to be too.

You were both confused and happy to see him steer clear of the usual Beverly Hills or Hollywood spots. Where does one such movie star as Chris Evans take a woman on a date anyway? Your girls had discussed everything from WolfGang Puck to the Rosevelt. The sun was sinking low and heavy in the sky as night began its arrival. As he navigated you to the Santa Monica Pier you felt the giddiness from early wreck havoc in your belly. It was so far from anything you could have ever expected in the best way possible. All the nerves of being with this guy you really liked sort of melted away and gave way for excitement.

“The boardwalk huh?” You grinned out the window.

“Yea. There’s great street food, games, views. I figure it’s pretty tough to have a bad time here. Increases my chances of you agreeing to a second date.” He smirked.

You laughed a little louder than your flirting giggle and turned to face him straight on.

“Oh so you already plotting the second date now!”

He laughed right along with you.

“Sweetheart I’m on date number four up here.” He pointed to his forehead.

“Sheesh! Well I don’t want to disappoint, but I played point guard in high school so if we find some hoops I’ma have to put your ass to shame.”

“Oh she’s trash talking me already ladies and gentlemen!”

You were already taking your seatbelt off and reaching for the door handle. It was the most excited you’d ever been on a date, couldn’t even remember the last time someone took you some place to be goofy and play games. You typed your destination into your group chat and told your girls not to bother you. It was finna be a night.

It comes to no surprise that you end up at the arcade. He buys the tokens, you buy the beers. And then...it’s on.

“I want to start by saying that I am firm in my masculinity. Basketball is not my game, and I stand by that.”

You rolled your eyes around your beer and quickly took off your cardigan to free your arms.

“Boy, put the tokens in the machine and quit playing.”

He only grins at you so sweet it makes your teeth hurt.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Side by side in front of the basketball arcade game, you each take shots at the swinging net. Unfortunately there are no bonus points for fine looking biceps while missing shots. This leaves you to crush your opponent--date, whatever--by over twenty points. Though Chris was “firm in his masculinity” this did not stop him from being competitive, so he quickly threw more tokens into the machine and tugged the sleeves of his too-tight sweater up his arms. He makes a shot while you just stared at him, a little dazed. You only beat him by eight that time. Rude.

“Okay,” Chris panted. “I lied. I do play basketball. I like to think I’m pretty good at it too, but you definitely just kicked my ass.”

“I was MVP all three years I played. It’s not your fault.” You giggled.

“You play in college at all?” He asked as you took your beers and moved on to a new game.

You shook your head. “I went to Howard for both undergrad and my masters. We’re D1 and I wasn’t that good. I got an academic scholarship instead.”

“So brains and a killer arm? Anything else I should know?”

“Hmm...I have an irrational fear of mice? I found a mouse once in my kitchen when I was a little girl. I got so scared that I literally fainted.”

“Brains, killer arm, faints at the side of mice. So, I guess Cinderella for date number two is out.”

You placed your arm on his shoulder as you laughed. The sheer volume of muscle was not lost on you, nor the way your mouth salivated in response. Woops.

“I’d be down to watch Ratatouille. That’s my favorite food movie ever, I think. I guess animated equals not so scary.”

He smiled and let you keep your palm on his shoulder for much longer than was necessary.

“Duly noted. Shall we?”

Chris beats you in skee ball, and you beat him in some random zombie shooter game. Eventually he lets you lean on him to take your shoes off so that the two of you can do a dance revolution game. It’s silly and awful, and you laugh the entire way through it. There’s more arm touching and at some point he finds an excuse to touch your waist again. The way you bite your lip and stare up at him is only interrupted by the squeal of children’s laughter. There’s an increase in your heart beat that can’t be explained by the physical activity of the game alone, and the heat in his eyes is not nearly PG-13 enough.

“Should we uh...go get a snack or something?” You mumbled still peering up at his lips.

His grip on your waist only grows tighter, and you swear it’s past them kids' bedtime.

“Sure, why not?” He grins before slowly letting you go.

Sweet jesus.

It’s only when there’s a foot of space between the two of you that you can breathe normally again. But then he reaches for your hand and intertwines your fingers. Breathing is clearly overrated.

You buy two different flavors of icecream to split and find a bench tucked away in the lights of the pier to keep talking.

“So what about you?” You asked between globs of cookie dough.

“What about me?”

“I know what you do for a living obviously but like...Where are you from? Do you have siblings? What’s your favorite food? How do you take your coffee? That kinda shit.”

He beams at you and holds a spoon of his rocky road to your lips. You hold eye contact as your lips wrap around the spoon. His lips part just barely and you know you’re not the only who can’t get a grip tonight. Good.

He clears his throat. “I’m originally from Boston, but I grew up in a town like thirty minutes away called Sudbury. I have two younger siblings, a brother and a sister, and an older sister. They’re all much smarter than me I promise. My uh father remarried so I’ve got some half-siblings too. I can break out the family tree sometime if you want. I really enjoy seafood. I think it has something to do with where I grew up. I take my coffee black.”

“Boston, eh? LA must have taken some getting used to.”

He chuckled. “I still don’t think I’ve gotten used to LA. I have a place in Massachusetts. It keeps my mom happy, and makes it easy to go home. I’m between projects for now, but its easier sometimes to just be here for the talk shows and the meetings and what not. I’ll be honest it’s been looking up lately though.”

Damn him and his ocean eyes and his dumb dumb smile and his stupid facial hair. And...now he’s putting more ice cream in your mouth. Diabolical.

“What about you? From DC to LA?” He asked.

“Ugh it does feel pretty cliche, I know. I never in a million years though I’d live out here. It’s tough cause all my family is east coast as well. When I was fresh out of grad school I got offered a job at a firm out here. The salary and the benefits were some of the best of my class. I couldn’t really say no. And now I mean...you saw me and my girls. I found community out here. It’s scary to think of losing that.”

“Hey that makes sense. You’ve made a life for yourself here. That’s really admirable.”

“Yea I guess. It helps to live away from the worst of it all. And I suppose LA does sometimes come with perks.” You smiled in his direction.

“I could not agree more.”

*Meanwhile in your phone*

Raya: what do we think? Is she still alive?

Tanya: Girl please. The only thing that girl is at risk for is a good dicking.

Raya: sljgdlkfgjkl you goin to hell

Jesse: Should we take our bets now?

Tanya: I’m putting five on the captain throwing her back out TONIGHT

Raya: I’m putting ten on y/n holding out just to be stubborn af

Jesse: I’m with Raya on this one.

You walk through the sand together with his arm wrapped around your shoulder. There’s everything from playful jabs to probing questions to heavy flirting. At some point it transcends the innocence of a first date. Perhaps it's the moment when he offers to carry your heels so you can feel the sand between your toes. Or the moment when you tell him something funny and he laughs into your neck till all you can feel is the rumble of his chest and the warmth of his skin. Maybe it’s the feel of his fingers untangling your hair from your cardigan when the wind traps it. There’s a softness to him in all his overt physicality. He thumbs at your chin playfully and smiles down at you. It’s not just softness then. It’s tenderness too. And you melt into him.

“Hi.” he whispered till you smiled.

“Hi.” You whispered back.

“Can I kiss you by chance?”

Your arms slide closer wrapping firmly around his neck.

“Absolutely.”

If his chest is rock-hard muscle then his lips are the antithesis of that. The kiss is soft and yearning when he wraps them around your own, and his hands ain’t bad either. Before you know it you’re wrapped up in him and he in you until there’s no clear discernment of where one begins and the other ends. But it doesn’t matter when his tongue is just as teasing and probing at his personality, and you fingers scratch roughly through the strands of his hair.

The only thing that could possibly bring such a perfect moment to an end is the need to breathe. You pull away with a stuttering gasp, and he hides his face in your neck with a whine that awakens a whole new fire with you.

“Wow.” He sighed.

“Yea...Wow.”

You blinked a couple of times to try and bring yourself back to reality and out of...whatever the hell that was.

“I should uh--I should get you home right? You had a long day.”

He squeezed at your shoulders before pulling away and you swore it was colder without him near. As the night suddenly hurdled towards a close, you felt a sense of longing. You weren’t quite ready to let him go yet, and the anticipation of being without him was already wreaking havoc on your nerves. The only good news is he holds your hand the entire walk back to the car, and his shoulder makes for lovely resting space.

The car ride feels like a fraction of the time it took to get there. Perhaps it's because you know each other better now, have a taste of what it’s like to be next to one another. Like a junky you were hooked. White, Black, or green, there wasn’t anything that could stop you from wanting to be near him. He was infectious, and he’d gotten himself directly under your skin.

“Could I walk you to the door?” He asks.

“Please.” You nodded.

You take smaller steps as if that will make it all go slower. And a grin forms slowly on your lips when you notice his much lengthier legs attempting to do the same. It’s the kind of PG-13 shit you’d never really experienced before. How pathetic that the second you got just a tiny bit of it you were practically begging for more.

The light beneath your door illuminates the movement of your bodies. You turned with your back to the door to face him, aware for the first time that you’d been smiling for a while, that you had no idea how to stop smiling.

“I gotta say I had a really great time.” You murmured. “Thank you for the effort and the fun and...the kiss.”

“That means the world to me. All I wanted was for you to have a good time. Honestly I think that was the best first date I’ve ever been on.”

“You know, I think that was the best first date I’ve ever been on as well.”

He smiled widely at you. “Good. So now we’ve set the bar so high that it really only makes sense for us to go on another date right?”

“I think I could be up for that, yea.”

“Could you be up for another kiss?” He teased.

“Could you be up for coming inside?” You countered.

His eyes widened at that, the intricate game of you both keep each other on your toes unfolding. You weren’t even sure where the idea had come from. You certainly hadn’t planned it. At some point you realized you had to go inside, and the thought of him being on the other side of the door just didn’t feel right.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose if you’re tired. I know your work day was long.”

You nodded eyes skimming from his ankles to his hair.

“Suddenly? Not so tired.”

“Me neither. Let’s go inside.”

That’s what you thought.

You unlocked the door to your place leading him into the living room.

“Um make yourself comfortable. I just gotta let my girls know I got home alright. Do you want anything to drink?” You asked.

“I better not. Still gotta drive home.”

There was something about his lack of confidence about getting laid that had you pausing in the kitchen. Few men had ever made it past the threshold on the first date. The threshold may as well have been a neon arrow towards your vagina. Not that you’d decided to have sex with him. Of course not...

Y/n: I know y’all are not placing bets that center around my pussy. Get a life.

Raya: Girl I’m married with two kids and you just went out with Chris Evans. Your life is my life. Don’t take that from me.

Tanya: Now sis, why are you texting us when there is some red, white, and blue DICK to be had.

Jesse: djdflkjgdf

Raya: lmao. She got a point. Did he drop you off?

Y/n: He did.

Tanya: Annnnnnnnnnnd?

Y/n: Annnnnnd my date ain’t over. I simply must be going. Night night!

Your phone began to erupt with buzzes in your palm. You quickly set it to silent to ignore the peanut gallery and headed back to your date.

Chris was in your living room staring at a photo you had set up on the wall. It was you, your mother, and your little brother all wrapped up in each other from your graduation the second time. The fact that his ass was poised like a piece of fruit begging to be plucked from the tree is a secondary detail.

“Is this your family?” He grinned. “You look just like your mother.”

You stalked closer, ready to be in his space again, and smiled.

“This was for degree number two. I’m the first to ever get a master’s, and my mom couldn’t stop crying the whole day. This is the only picture I had where she wasn’t obviously in tears.” You hummed.

“That’s beautiful. She’s got so much to be proud of. You’re clearly an amazing woman.”

Most may have tilted their head in shyness, maybe looked at the ground and ignored the compliment. Such a cliche. You had learned long ago that the most radical, most self-loving thing you could do was believe your own hype. Others will rarely do it for you. Chris seemed to be the exception to many rules.

You raised your chin proudly. “Thank you. Every ounce of it, I get from her. I can assure you of that.”

“I believe you. Mothers really are the superheroes of the world, no pun intended.”

You reached for his hand slowly, heart warming at the way he instantly went to intertwine your fingers. He was truly nestling himself inside your head, your walls coming down one by one. Silence pursued as you led him towards the couch, his eyes raking over every inch of you as you moved. As his back hit the couch, you stepped out of your heels. His legs were deeply parted and the thickness of his thighs looked like the perfect seat. It didn’t help the way his hands were gripping his thighs like an invitation. That knot that sometimes appeared in your belly when he was around tightened.

“Can I sit with you?” You hummed.

“You can sit anywhere you’d like.”

His voice had suddenly gone husky and deep, your eyes fluttering wantonly at the sound. You were mostly definitely going to take him up on that.

You placed your foot on the space of the cushion right next to his thigh, and used the leverage to climb yourself into his lap.  His hands immediately came to rest on the small of your back pulling you close, close, close.

This kiss is better. Much better.

Whatever gentlemanly urges he’d proudly displayed throughout the night, quickly gave way to a new urge, a hunger that boiled hot for each of you. It was the same feeling you’d felt when he first caught you at the bar, multiplied by a million. His facial hair rubbed tantalizing along your jaw as he kissed and bit and marked you with reckless abandon. Your fingers turned to fists in his hair and tugged sharply. The moan he released in response had your hips bucking up against his.

“God, come here.” He muttered against your throat.

His too-large palms went from your back to your ass and suddenly he was tugging you rougher, firmer, right against something firm of his own.

“Oh shit.” you whimpered thighs tightening around his waist. “Touch me.”

His lips began a trail from your neck down your cleavage, beard scratching up the flesh until your back was arching in lust.

“Take this off.” He demanded with a tug to your cardigan.

No problem there.

“You next.” You whined and reached for the bottom of his sweater instead.

Your camisole joined the rest of the pile on the floor and suddenly his tongue was finding the patch of skin right between your breasts. Wet didn’t begin to describe what you were experiencing in that moment.

“You’re fucking gorgeous you know that?” He huffed.

Your fingers gripped at his knee for leverage and you leaned back just enough to give your hips room to breathe. And move.

“Fuck.”

You giggled at Chris, your hips sliding against his in the most amazing rhythm.

“I like it when you lose that little nice-guy thing you got going on. What else do you got hidden from me, Chris?”

His hands moved to the thick of your thighs and squeezed hard until you lost your own grip of self-control.

“I think you like to take the reins. I think every part of your life is carefully constructed to your liking. But I’m starting to wonder what it might look like if you lost a little control, y/n. Do you think I could make you do that?”

Your eyes, though hooded with the overwhelming emotions he was making you feel, found a way to burst open at his words. Because in just one single night he saw you. Saw you in a way that you had not willingly given out. There was an armor that you put on to walk out into the world, something intentionally crafted to keep you safe. How had he disabled it in just one night? As sexy as it was, it was also scary. Were you ready to let him take control?

“Look if you wanna make me lose control? You better have something damn good to show for it, sir.” You grinned.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Okay.”

And just like that you were being lifted into the air like a spaceship taking launch. A man had never lifted you with such ease since you were a child. A grown ass woman of your size wasn’t just thrown around like a rag-doll. Dainty had certainly never been used to describe you. And yet, Chris had managed to stand with your legs and arms wrapped around his like a kola to a tree. His hands on your lower body only throw you further out of whack.  This shit was insane. And your pussy was transcending physics with how wet he’d manage to make you.

“Can I take you to bed?” He panted, breath harsh against your lips.

You groaned. “God, yes, boy scout. Please take me to bed.”

Your bed seems perfectly crafted for two, or maybe that’s just the feel of him sucking at the skin of your pulse point. His tongue is suddenly everywhere. On your neck. Below your sternum. At the jut of your hip. He strips you of your jeans and falls victim to the slim space between your thighs. His palms now work on mapping them expansively but not without exploring the thin piece of fabric that separates him from the wetness of your inner folds. All it takes is the tip of his nose to rub against the pubic mound, right above your clit, and you just kind of lose it.

“Holy shit! Please. Just please.” You whined, hips bucking closer to his mouth.

A grin descended upon his face that held all of the cockiness of a man who was sure of himself. It was the first time he’d ever looked like that to you. And lord was it hot.

“Sweetheart listen to me.” He said smoothly. “I’m gonna make you cum now. But you gotta be good for me. Can you do that?”

Your lips parted in shock. What does one say to such a thing?

“Okay.”

He’s not interested in torturing you, at least not this time. As soon as you promise to be good, his tongue snakes out of his mouth and he’s on you. Firm flicks of his tongue and hard sucks of his lips quickly leaves your underwear sodden. It appears he has no interest in taking them off, and you might just care if it weren’t for the way he was rocking your body. Most men couldn’t find a clit if there was a neon sign pointing to it. Chris finds it like it's his damn address. He sucks and licks and drools until your thighs pulse, until your back arches, until your body feels poised like spring begging to break.

Your fingers dig into the meat of his shoulders trying desperately to pull him closer. You’re not gonna make it.

“I--I gotta...I gotta cum.” You huffed.

He nods while he’s eating you out and takes your statement as a direction to slip his fingers between the soaked material of your underwear. You’re so wet that there’s barely any hit of tension as his finger slides deep inside of you. You can hear it now right beside the desperate pants of your mouth, the crude slip of his fingers digging into you, searching and pumping. He curls it just right, touches that place, until you can’t breathe,  until your bursting for him like an overripe fruit.

Your body throbs and pulses as the orgasm rocks its way through you and he never moves, just licks away your release with the same intensity. When you collapse, he lays his head against your thigh and grins up at you with wet lips and a wet beard and eyes completely void of anything but tenderness.

“Oh fuck off.” You whined pushing your hand tiredly against his face.

He chuckled but absolutely did not fuck off. Instead he took to placing kisses along the skin of your inner thighs as if he was rewinding the coil inside of you so that he could make you come loose all over again.

“You done?” He hummed nosing at your pubic bone. “We can be done, just let me know.”

“Really?”

“Of course, really.”

You bit your lip and watched him for a few minutes. His fingers were drawing patterns on your leg, his lips feeling like they shot sparks all across your skin. You wanted him bad. Whoever said consent wasn’t sexy hadn’t had Chris Evans in their bed obviously.

“Come up here.”

His eyes finally left the dream of your thighs and locked with yours. He trailed slowly up your body, thighs and arms bracketing either side of you. Your back arched involuntarily until your chests touched. He kissed you long enough for the taste of yourself to get lost in your own mouth. His facial hair still scratched hotly at your flesh.There wasn’t anything you wanted more than for him to destroy you in that moment. So that’s exactly what you said.

“Chris?” You mumbled against his lips.

He immediately backed away. “Yea?”

You reached over to the drawer of your bedside table and grabbed aimlessly for protection. The condom wrapper fell into his hand and your legs came naturally around his waist.

“I’d like for you to wreck me...please.”

It didn’t sound like a question. It was much more a demand than a plea. But your boy scout aimed to please. And please he did.

“I can do that.”

Suddenly when Nicki Minaj said You’ll never catch me in a light-skin nigga’s bed, it took on a whole new meaning. Surely she meant light skin like Drake, and sis definitely had a point. But... surely Nicki couldn’t hate you for the choices you made that night, and all the ones you’d go on to make for this man in particular. After-all, it was technically your bed.

buy me a ko-fi? 

[deltaengineering]

Summer Anime 2019 Part 2: let’s play cops & vikings

Arifureta Shokugyou de Sekai Saikyou

❓ 💩

💩 This saves the backstory for later, but rest assured it is very much a 💩. It particularly loves RPG stats because how else could you tell that someone’s awesome.

💩💩 It’s also particularly in the Shield Hero vein, i.e. written by someone who got their lunch money stolen a couple of times too many and is now getting revenge by annoying the shit out of me with shitty self-insert fiction.

💩💩 While powering up in the darkness the dude gets white hair and GUN’s so I think it’s safe to say that this is featuring Donte from the Devil May Cry series. 

💩 There’s some bits of the ol’ THIS CHAIR suffering monologues. Which Higurashi ripped off from Tsukihime, then got ripped off by Re: Zero and now every Web Novel hack thinks it’s très deep.

💩💩 I was about to say that it’s visually whatever (i.e., mostly too dark to make out how bad it looks), but then the CG monsters appeared and OH BOY.

Cop Craft

❓ A portal to the fairy dimension opened and now we have FAIRY CRIME. A loose cannon cop with nothing to lose gets paired up with a haughty fairy princess to get to the bottom of FAIRY CRIME.

✅ If this all sounds vaguely familiar, yeah it’s the FMP guy writing a love letter to 80s buddy cop movies. It has absolutely all the clichees of that genre, but since it’s not a genre I see every day that’s okay and in fact a little bit novel again. I did not watch Bright.

✅ It’s pretty competent at it too, the leads have good chemistry and the tone is good. It’s more serious than something like Red Heat, I’d compare it more to Lethal Weapon.

♎ Directed by Shin Itagaki, who does a competent job with the first episode but is known to be involved with production disasters lately. There’s already signs of slight jank and I hope this doesn’t fall apart really quickly.

Ensemble Stars!

❓ Nondescript girl enters idol school, which happens to be full of hunky boys. Things happen and she joins a movement to seize the means of stage production.

❌ The first half of this episode is just dreadfully dull, generic and features one of the most annoying genkiboys ever on top of it. And going by the old rule that if idol shows must have a producer it has to be a memorable one, Ensemble Stars scores a big fat zero because that girl is a void.

✅ However, then it turns out that this is also a fighting shounen somehow, because part of idol curriculum is hitting each other with guitars. Not to mention that we then reveal that there’s a revolution brewing because the system is corrupt and rigged.

♎ So yeah, there’s some shit going on in this show and it’s quite amusing. I’m just somehow not convinced that it’s more than window dressing because the basics are so bad. 

♎ Even if it turns out to be Revue Starlight (which it won’t), that one was well made enough to beat Ikuhara at his own game. Ensemble Stars doesn’t have the money or the style.

Hakata Mentai! Pirikarako-chan

❓ A super short mascot anime where a cute girl sprays cod roe everywhere, with sensibilities straight from 1964.

❌ ...

Kawaikereba Hentai demo Suki ni Natte Kuremasuka? / Hensuki: Are you willing to fall in love with a pervert, as long as she’s a cutie?

❓ Highschooler is surrounded by girls, gets a pantygram from some unknown party. Turns out they’re all horny. Hijinks ensue?

❌ This is just a basic-ass ecchi harem all around. I don’t think it needs much more explanation. Except...

❌ For some reason, it seems to attempt to treat its pantsu and boob shenanigans with the intellectual aspirations of a Monogatari or Oregairu. Needless to say, that causes it to fail on both sides.

♎ Basic shit for basic bitches, but I’ve seen worse in the genre. It’s less pretentious than e,g, Monogatari but also lacks the style. Or any style, for that matter.

Kochoki - Wakaki Nobunaga

❓ Before Oda Nobunaga became a warlord and recurring anime character, he apparently was a smart teen with a propensity to not wear shirts.

♎ This is about as good as an anime about a teen Nobunaga getting up to Tom Sawyer adventures while not wearing a shirt could probably be. Which is to say, it’s not as terrible as it sounds.

✅ In particular, the character writing is decent. I can imagine that this can actually pull of drawing a throughline from these silly adventures to the Nobunaga we know and don’t want to see any more of in fiction ever.

♎ Yeah, it’s basically alright-ish but you really, really have to care about these Sengoku clowns to get anything out of it. I still don’t.

Nakanohito Genome [Jikkyouchuu]

❓ It’s Danganronpa, only about a bunch of streamers, LPers and speedrunners stuck in an MMO. Because 2019.

♎ Why not a turd? Well, isekai is so rigid as a genre that something that isn’t about some dude getting hax & harem barely seems to count anymore.

♎ Still, this setup is so brazenly shameless and idiotic that I can’t help but respect the hustle.

✅ There’s some neat SHAFT-y visuals going on here, reminiscent of how Reincarnated as a Slime tried to pretend to not be the most boring thing ever.

❌ Kenjiro Tsuda is entirely wasted as the least threatening Monoalpaca ever. Please don’t give the guy comedic roles. The rest of the characters are very bland, which is not a good thing in a genre that thrives on its outsized personalities.

❌❌ I just realized I didn’t give this any double Xs, which it definitely deserves. Just look at this shit. The only upside is of course that this is SO dumb it could be the next Caligula or something.

Re Stage! Dream Days

❓ School idols. MIDDLE school idols. In the middle school idol club.

♎ This is another basically competent show that also doesn’t really feature anything to set it apart. They took a mobile game about middle school idols and animated it.

♎ Well okay, I have to admit that for a show about middle schoolers it features more yuri undertones than usual, and shows like this usually feature quite a bit of that.

♎ But yeah, apart from that... seems watchable but nothing special. Looks alright, characters are alright, everything’s just fine. But you have to be a REAL afficionado of the genre to bother.

Vinland Saga

❓ VIKINGS BRUH

✅ Not gonna lie, I was negatively predisposed towards this show because the manga is very popular with the intersection of MANIME idiots and viking-adjacent metalheads. So while this does feature some sick & gnarly viking fights right away, overall it’s more about people sitting around in Iceland being cold and miserable.

❌ So about these sick & gnarly viking fights though? Sorry to report they look very subpar, with a ton of floaty CG and not much of a point to them.

✅ Apart from that, it’s looking pretty good. Nothing really flashy, but I think Wit’s house look works pretty well here. Better than in Titans at least.

♎ That said... I don’t really find people being cold and miserable in Iceland all that compelling either. I understand that this is a huge saga that goes places, but that doesn’t get me all hyped right now. This is one of those times where I’d say this show is (probably?) good and a recommendation, but it’s not really something I feel compelled to watch because it would have to be outright brilliant to overcome my apathy towards the subject.

[migleefulmoments]

Debunking

We’ve talked about this scene before- the Kurt rant given by Santana. Naya just said she was uncomfortable and she mentioned that Chris was upset.  sugdendingle just posted that Chris “liked” her Tweet where she called out how much she didn’t like it.  She added a second comment that includes: 

sugdendingle

None of the other cast were personally attacked in the ways Chris was and to the extent Chris was. I don’t know what Ryan Murphy’s issues were with Chris but he clearly he had some....I’m talking about real life here. About how Ryan Murphy and his writers used the character of Kurt to personally attack Chris Colfer on a regular basis and it’s clear Chris agrees to some extent as he liked my tweet.

That scene in season six was one of the worst examples but hardly the only one. Chris not being traditionally masculine was like a running joke on that show. As was remarks about his voice, his appearance, his sexuality, how he danced, etc. Yes other characters faced insults but it never got as personal as it did with Chris and it wasn’t as extensive either. The insults to Kurt went on right to the end of the show you can’t say the same for the other characters. It’s just really sad that Chris had to endure a work enivorment like this especially considering he was bullied when he was younger.

Abby adds: 

My opinion. The poor treatment stems from extreme jealousy. For many, many reasons. And of course c’s refusal to do as he’s told.(X)

Debunk #1 

None of the other cast were personally attacked in the ways Chris was and to the extent Chris was. Was Chris harassed by the writers “more than any other character”?  I spent a few minutes looking at Santana’s rants-and Santana seems to be the ranter on Glee. I don’t believe her rants about Chris’s failings is any worse than she she said about Finn’s weight. Rachel or really Lea’s nose being too big had an entire episode-and several comments through the years- and Kurt staged a flashmob at the mall to talk her out of plastic surgery. Sam was called Trouty Mouth as a running joke including a song “Trouty Mouth” sang by Santana. 

“Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or to moisten a enormous stamp for a lazy giant you take on step closer to everyone seeing that you’re actually a dork” (X)

“I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth was back in town. I’ve been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I’ve missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn’t find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you’ve been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infants’ heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you’re back. I haven’t seen a smile that big since the acclamation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana” (X)

This gets loooonnnngggg so under a cut 

This one she also hit at Tina’s Asian eyes and Rachels nose- though I didn’t include that part. 

Santana: Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into eye de-slanting. Tina: That's extraordinarily racist. Santana: Just keeping it real. Tina: Sorry Santana, I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing. Mike: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? [whispers] Self hating Asian. Tina: Not too many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to mirror what I see in magazines. Finn: My dancing kind of bothers me. It almost killed Rachel but I like the way I look. Santana: Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples. Sam: [tries to look at Finn's nipples] Finn: [slaps Sam's hand away] Santana: They look like they're filled with custard. Or you could dust them off with powdered sugar and pass it off as some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.”(X)

“I’ve kissed Finn, and can I just say… not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man boobs”. (X)

Santana: “Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I’m trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown. I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I’m sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And I’m also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you’re getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you’ve been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel’s coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I’d stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.” (X)

Santana: “Why is everyone staring at me like I’m Finn and I just won a butter eating contest” (X)

She even hit him during The Quarterback “Okay, I know that Finn had his doubts about God but I am convinced that Squishy Teets is up in heaven right now plopped down next to his new best friend Fat Elvis helping themselves to a picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butterscotch pudding and TaterTot grease so this is for you Hudson” (X)

She also did a combo Finn/Sam rant “Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my rig cage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can’t mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python…” (X)

The Kurt rant 

“Kurt I took what you said to heart, and I thought long and hard about it, and it occurred to me that you may have a point. Okay, maybe Brittany and I are too young to get married. I mean, after all, that's why it didn't work out with you and Blaine, right? Or maybe it didn't work out because you're a judgmental little gentrophile with a mouth like a cat's ass. Maybe Blaine got tired of hearing your shrill, self-aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement every time you so much as cooked macaroni and cheese together or farted. Maybe Blaine didn't want to be with someone who looks like they just removed their top row of dentures every time they smile or someone who doesn't dress like an extra out of one of Andy Dick's more elaborate wet dreams. Maybe Blaine grew weary of dating a breathier, more feminine Quinn Fabray. Maybe he finally got freaked out about your strange obsession with old people that causes you to skulk around nursing homes like one of those cats that can smell cancer. Maybe he got tired of watching you drape yourself on every piano you happen to pass to entertain exactly no one with, say, some song that Judy Garland choked on her tongue in the middle of or some sassy old Broadway standard made famous by another dead alcoholic crone. Maybe Blaine woke up one day and said, "You know what I don't want to marry a sexless, self-centered baton twirler. Maybe I need someone who knows more than three dance moves: "the finger wag", "the shoulder shimmy" and the one where you pretend to twirl two invisible rainbow-colored ribbons attached to your hips. So, you know what, maybe that's why it didn't work out. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and Brittany. Maybe it's just that you are utterly, utterly intolerable. Maybe that has something to do with it."(X)

Conclusion: Chris was not attacked more than other actors on Glee.  The writers were pretty vicious about the physical characteristics of Rachel’s nose, Finn’s weight and man boobs and Sam’s nose. They also wrote about Damian’s height referring to as Leprechaun. All are very personal attacks about the actor; not the character.  Finn’s boobs were used as fodder for humor after he died so the idea that no other character was humiliated throughout the show is untrue.  

Debunk #2 

I don’t know what Ryan Murphy’s issues were with Chris but he clearly he had some. Ryan didn’t write Santana’s vicious lines-Brad Falchuk did.  I spent enough time researching this and finding late-season interview is hard but earlier interviews show that Ryan really respected Chris and Kurt.

Ryan did an interview with NYT in 2010  Q:Is this story in any way autobiographical or a reflection on your own experiences growing up?

A:It wasn’t really true to my experience at all. But I know so many people that it was true to. It was very true to Chris Colfer’s experience, and working with him for the past year, he would tell me stories. It’s amazing to me — last year when we did the “Glee” tour, every time Chris Colfer came out on that stage for his bows, 100 percent, he got the loudest cheers and applause, from all groups of people. Little girls, parents. A lot of people have embraced him and he’s part of their television-going family, so to see an episode in which he’s physically threatened is very upsetting for people, I think. But it puts a face on it. 

Q: It’s still rare to see gay characters on prime-time network programs, let alone one who is out in the way that Kurt is, and at a young age. Is there ever any pressure on you to tone down the portrayal of that character?

A: No, surprisingly not. Three episodes into the series last year, when we did the “Single Ladies” football number with him, he became an audience favorite and people started to write about that character and Chris Colfer. I think that character is in many ways the most important character on television, particularly for kids. When I was growing up, there was nobody like that. I think that character changes lives. I think that character launches conversation, both good and bad, and that’s a very powerful thing. I’ve done shows where if a character is a little bit controversial, the network and the studio are like, “Could you please tone that down?” They never did that at all with this character, and they were all very supportive of the story line. (X)

“Growing up in Indianapolis, Murphy sang in his church choir and immersed himself in high school musicals. His father was a semi-pro hockey player who was baffled by a son who requested a Vogue subscription when he was 5 years old and performed in his bedroom, holding a hairbrush in front of a mirror. He may not have understood his son, but he accepted him, even when Murphy revealed that he was gay at 15″.

“Having a dad that loves you as a young man is a very powerful thing that you carry into the world,” Murphy said. “Because no matter what you do, in some weird, unconscious way, if you’re a guy, you always try to please your dad. I think it’s a great thing to put on television. You’ve seen the gay character that gets kicked out of the house or is beaten up. You haven’t seen the gay character that is teased a little bit, but wins and triumphs.”

“The scene in which he tells his father was taken verbatim from Murphy's own life. Murphy felt that the scene was "a great thing to put on television", because, while gay characters are often isolated and attacked, audiences have rarely seen an openly gay character who "wins and triumphs". He further explained, "The show is about making you feel good in the end. It's about happy endings and optimism and the power of your personal journey and making you feel that the weird thing about me is the great thing about me. I've done other shows with gay characters, and I will say that in many of those cases, the gay characters didn't have a happy ending. And I thought you know what? Enough."(X)(X)

We also know that Ryan created the role of Kurt specifically for Chris. 

We don’t know what happened with the fall out(s) on set. Chris said he wouldn’t work for Ryan and 

“To this day, I'm devastated by everything that happened with that show." (X)

Other interring things I found:

“Over the course of six seasons of Glee, which petered out earlier this year, there was plenty written about backstage drama, fractured relationships and the death of star Cory Monteith from a drug overdose. All Murphy will offer are his own misgivings about his role on the show. "I was there with them all day long, and then we'd finish work and we'd go out and have fun all night, and I guess in a weird, twisted way, I was trying to relive the childhood I never had," he says. "I thought they wanted a parent, and they didn't. They didn't want me to tell them what to f—ing do. They didn't want me to tell them how to treat each other or what the world was like at the end of the day. I wish I could go back and do that differently with a lot of those actors. Some of them I'm still very close to: Lea Michele, Chord Overstreet, Darren Criss — but there were some that didn't work out well, and I regret that. I guess I just wish I had been able to let them figure it out for themselves."(X)

Conclusion: Ryan is a grown man and didn’t have it out for Chris. He respected Chris and used the Kurt role to tell his story of being a gay boy in small midwest town.   

Debunk #3

The poor treatment stems from extreme jealousy. For many, many reasons. 

Abby has claimed Ryan is jealous of Chris many times over the years-it still isnt’ true.  Ryan is a very successful producer, writer, creator.  I found a few quotes to back that up.  

“It's a peculiar thing to be asked by Murphy, 50, the closest thing the TV industry has to a proven hitmaker, save, perhaps, for Shonda Rhimes. Over the past decade and a half, he's made pop-culture juggernauts out of plastic surgeons on Nip/Tuck, high school misfits on Glee and witches, nuns and nymphomaniacs on American Horror Story. And in that time, he's become a name brand himself, more famous than all but the biggest stars in his sprawling casts. The showrunner, both pop savant and provocateur, has one of the richest eight-figure deals in television and a coterie of loyalists that includes Gwyneth Paltrow(with whom he's about to pitch a musical dramedy), Julia Roberts, Jessica Lange and now Lady Gaga. He's hosted President Obama at his home for a $40,000-a-couple fundraiser, and when he mentions his friends Norman, Barbra and David, he's referring to Lear, Streisand and Geffen.(X)

"There's a limited number of creators in film or TV where if you put the title plus their name — if you say, 'Steven Spielberg's blah blah blah' or 'Marvel's blah blah blah' — you're going to get a different answer than if you don't," Landgraf says, "and Ryan is one of those guys."(X)

Chris is a successful writer and if he is successful in writing and directing the TLOS movie, he could be a power player in Hollywood. But right now- even with his Time 100 award, he isn’t anywhere near Ryan Murphy.  I suppose Ryan could be jealous of something other than Chris’s success but I have seen no evidence of that. 

Conclusion: Nope. 

[neverwatchedonepiece]

596-597: "On the Verge of Annihilation! A Deadly Monster Comes Flying In!" and "An Intense Battle! Caesar Exercises His True Power!"

so i herd u were gonna kick my ass?

I have said this a lot lately... but what just happened?

Did Caesar just clean house?

Did he actually just systematically destroy the opposition BY HIMSELF? Luffy, Robin, Franky, Tashigi and Smoker one after the other?

Damn. I did not expect that at all. Right up until the final twist, I was convinced Luffy was going to take him and it would have been mission accomplished (then, after that, defeat Smiley and escape Punk Hazard without letting Caesar wriggle out of their clutches).

Caesar is much stronger than I thought. 

The man said it himself at the end of 597: “Don’t underestimate me.” I regret to admit that I did, Caesar. I totally did. I thought he’d live up to the usual Mad Scientist Trope Manifestation: a non-fighter who is very clever but a bit cowardly and useless when the fight turns physical.

Instead, Oda has gifted us with an Absolute Madman with more tricks up his sleeve than a pub magician.

Let’s Set That Thing Full of Poison Gas on Fire! What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

The action picked up where 595 left off. Luffy announced to the world that he would kick the Master’s ass and kidnap him!

Needless to say, this announcement did not go down well with Caesar’s centaur minions. Did that rubbery whippersnapper say he’d kick our beloved Master’s ass and kidnap him? TAKE HIM DOWN!

Once the steam from impact had cleared, Smoker also realised the Strawhats had fallen right into his lap again and gave the order to capture them. For about two seconds *everyone* was after them. And it did not phase Luffy, Franky or Robin in the slightest. While Luffy searched for Caesar, Robin and Franky dealt with the Fodders. Must say Robin and Franky have excellent Volume Fodder Clearance techniques.

There was comedy gold moment when Luffy didn’t realise he wasn’t fighting Smoker. “Hey, Smokey! Glad you’re okay. Was worried the way Law beat you up earlier. What’s up, though? Do you have a stomachache? Are you constipated? Why are you weaker all of a sudden? And you sound weird today.”

Smoker came charging up, all like, “Come on, Tashigi! Don’t get your ass kicked by Strawhat!” And suddenly this glasses girl whose name Luffy could not remember was much stronger all of a sudden! Hmmm... what was her name?

Smoker yelled, “IT’S ME. I AM SMOKER!” And Luffy fell about laughing when the penny finally dropped that they’d been shambled by Law. Luffy said there was no point fighting when they were not at full strength. (Luffy’s a good guy, really. If he was a terrible person, he could’ve just kicked their asses and walked. But he gave them a literal fighting chance.)

Just as Franky got fed up clearing Fodder and was about to melt a huge hole in Caesar’s front door, something large and pink flew through the sky towards them.

Awww... I thought. Smiley has come home to see Caesar. Isn’t that cute? It landed and oozed over Caesar’s ship. Smoker just stood there and looked at it, like, wtf am I looking at here?

Oda used the Fodders who had clambered on board to reveal some of Smiley’s tricks. If you try to shoot it, Smiley releases toxic gas, and all the little Smileys that break off reconverge into one bigger Smiley. A dumb Fodder tried to push it into the river, got stuck in Smiley and ended up with all over poison burns. The biggest idiot decided that burning Smiley would work.

Just think about that for a second because Fodder guy didn’t.

He thought that setting fire to a substance filled with poison gas would be a good idea.

What happened?

Yes, the Inevitable

R.I.P., dumb Fodder Marines. We hardly knew ye. The large kaboom you made was beautiful, though.

There was a quiet moment of misplaced optimism when a fodder centaur said, “Hey, at least it’s gone, right?”

Nope. Turns out that Smiley was only a fragment of Original Smiley who is firing out tiny blobs of itself from the lake where Zoro, Sanji, Brook and Samurai are. 

Why was Smiley doing that?

We were about to find out, as a familiar cackle from above announced Caesar’s arrival.

He’d been standing on the roof all along, watching the carnage unfold. How could he resist recording the results of his creation’s rampage?

“Good boy, Smiley!” he cried. “I’m sorry I locked you up for three years!” (No you’re not, Caesar. Let’s not pretend.)

Smoker and Luffy both had an “Aha, it’s you!” moment. “You’re Caesar Clown, aren’t you?” “Are you the Master?”

Like all Mad Scientists, Caesar has an ego the size of Laboon.

“Yes, indeed! Everyone from the Strawhat Pirates and the Marine G-5, behold the greatest scientist in the world: Master Caesar Clown!” 

He told them to wait a few moments for Smiley, as he is weak to water and is flinging himself over piece by piece to cross the lake. Apparently, when all his pieces reconverge on this side of the island, everyone is up shit creek because Smiley is capable of recreating the chemical explosion that levelled Punk Hazard four years ago.

“You will all experience it! A world of death in which no one can survive. And you will learn just how powerful my weapon is. It can destroy an entire island! And the greatness of the world’s best scientist who created that weapon? It’s me, MASTER CAESAR---”

Yeah.... Caesar did not get to finish that sentence.

That is because two rubbery hands appeared, grabbed him round the waist and the next thing he knew, a smiling face was propelled towards him at speed.

WTF, Human Contact? IN MY LABORATORY??

Caesar’s reaction when Luffy attacked him with an aggressive kidnap hug was freaking glorious. He was all, “Ew ew ew, get it off me, what is this thing?” xD 

Franky was impressed at how easily Luffy could grab a Logia user with his newly honed haki. He was convinced Luffy would walk the fight, kick Caesar’s ass and it would be job done! Robin was not convinced it would be that easy. After the easy ride through Fishman Island, I figured Luffy would dispatch this highly-strung scientist with ease. Maybe a bit of peril. Then they’d pack up Caesar, figure out how to destroy Smiley and GTFO off the island with the kids and the stolen drug research in tow. [Note to self: always listen to Robin. She is always right.]

I loved this fight so much I watched it back again. Even though the tables turned a few times, I was still so sure I knew where it was going.

Caesar decided to get rid of the rubbery menace clinging to him by turning to gas. Luffy countered with an armoured headbutt, which was dodged. Caesar used his Gas Robe move, which envelops a victim in poison gas. They can last as long as they can hold their breath. 

Caesar totally hammed it up. He finds such glee watching people suffer. (I bet he was one of those kids at school who even the bullies wouldn’t touch.) “How long can you hold your breath, Strawhat? Just breathe deeply and drop dead! I have discovered the deadliest gas. Now, suffer and die! I have a front row seat.”

But now I know what you guys hinted at when I asked how Luffy would deal with the poison. Instead of dying from poison inhalation, Luffy snorted up every particle of gas and let it harmlessly steam out his ears. After his big fight with Magellan, poisons no longer work against Luffy. Nice one! Thanks, Magellan, you absolute diamond.

Caesar’s ego seethed to the surface after being outwitted. “Magellan? That venomous fool from Impel Down? I’m not like that pathetic paramecia eater!” (Caesar is such a fruit snob. I bet he’s a wine snob too.)

But Luffy wasn’t listening. He’d already wound up a move and - SLAM! - smacked Caesar right in the chops.

Here’s Caesar Suffering More Human Contact

Ooooooooh, Caesar was mad. After he hit the ground like a sack of spuds, he struggled to his feet and the mask came off.

“Stay out of it, weaklings!” he snarled at his minions. (Who were like, “Did our beloved Master and Saviour just call us weaklings? Did we hear that right?”)

And I have to say Caesar does not mess about when he wants rid of someone. When Luffy leapt at him, the Absolute Madman said, “BRING IT!” and whipped out one of his best moves. That Gastanet explosion was awesome. He also did not give Luffy a second to recover. Those Smilies? Yeah, he ordered them to cling to Luffy, whereupon Caesar used them to cause an even bigger boom.

He Likes Big Booms and He Cannot Lie...

Ahhhhhh... this was the peril I missed from Fishman Island, I thought at the time. Caesar had surprised me by not being a total pushover. I mean, of course Luffy would still win, but Caesar was doing pretty damned well.

His minions surrounded him, cheering for him, “Master! Master!” feeding his enormous ego. Strawhat was never strong enough to fight Master in the first place! Caesar, convinced Luffy was down, indulged in a spot of Mad Scientist gloating. “I am the greatest scientist in the world: eater of the Gas Gas Fruit. You didn’t know who you were messing with!”

Then Luffy dusted himself off and said, “OH, THAT WAS CLOSE!” and jet-stamp kicked Caesar right square in the ass. I cheered! Sure this time? (Technically Luffy did fulfil half his goal. He literally kicked Caesar’s ass there, right?)

Caesar was slumped in a bundle of massive coat and jumpsuit (btw, I only just noticed this episode that Caesar is wearing a sartorially interesting jumpsuit. I wonder what possessed him to go shopping, pause by a rack and declare, “Yes. This is the one for me.”) Luffy grabbed him by the lapels and asked Franky if there was anything he could put Caesar in, as he was a Logia and he didn’t want him escaping.

Then Oda threw his curveball.

Remember that Knife-Wielding Tentacle No One Could Turn Off? Caesar Has That Same Energy

I really liked how Toei played this scene. As Luffy was looking around for a barrel, cheerful in his victory, the music suddenly cut out. Then Luffy’s eyes went wide. His hands flew to his throat. He began to choke. His grip on Caesar’s lapels loosened. Violin harmonics kicked in. All Luffy could see was a dark, swimming, nasty red and an image of Caesar, who I could tell was beyond fury because his voice was barely raised above a whisper.

“Ahhhhhhhh, you shouldn’t underestimate me.”

Then Luffy folded like an old glove.

My jaw dropped. Had Caesar just done that? How???

Franky and Robin rushed to help. Franky tried to fry Caesar with a radical beam, but Caesar just turned to gas and disappeared. The next thing, Robin was down. Franky followed. Bam, bam, bam, Caesar was taking them all out one by one!

Smoker realised this was going Very Badly Wrong, tried to order the remnants of his crew to GTFO. But Caesar wasn’t having it. He was obviously done playing.

Tashigi was next to fall. Smoker was the only one left. He whirled round, Caesar’s mocking laugh whispering into his ears. But it was no good. Whatever trick Caesar pulled was too strong. He passed out and Caesar was left standing there, holding Smoker by the arm, victorious among a pile of unconscious bodies.

He just freaking blitzed almost the entire arc cast! By himself!

What the hell? Have I been wrong about Caesar and he is in actual fact pretty strong? I suppose he is their first opponent in the New World. He can’t be a total scrub. Still, that was a proper pasting he gave the Strawhats *and* Smoker’s crew.

And that’s not all. Caesar has pulled a few more dirty tricks by the looks of things, as Law ain’t doing too well, either.

In Other News...

While Caesar was battling with Luffy on his front lawn, Law had sneaked round the back with Chopper. The plan was to distract Caesar and Monet, lead them into another room while Chopper stole a sample, or whatever.

It didn’t quite work out that way. Only Monet was indoors. When Law asked where Caesar was, Monet said, “He’s such a hideous person he’s probably gone out to watch the carnage.” (True.) Law must’ve thought, “Yeah, Caesar would do that,” and decided to put his plan into action.

He convinced Monet to follow him through to another room to give Chopper space, but halfway there, he collapsed in a corridor.

I was like, “Wait... why is Law clutching at his chest? What happened? Why don’t I understand a single thing that is going on? Why do I love this so much??”

Then a white-suited, pale-shoed guy walked up and told Law it had been years and that Law had grown up a lot.

PLOT TWIST: A NEW SHADY CHARACTER ENTERS.

Can’t even begin to speculate who it is, so I’ll just have to be patient and wait.

Chopper may be the Alliance’s Last Hope (Sorry, Obi-Wan. You can sit this one out.)

Unless Sanji finds the samurai’s torso in that damned lake and they finally regroup with Nami and Usopp to rescue Luffy and the others.

But my money’s on Chopper.

Why?

Because Chopper.

This aggressive kidnap hug is probably the most human contact Caesar’s ever had that didn’t involve scalpels.