#someone has probably figured out how to run doom on ants it's the kind of insane thing someone would do

[rhoselacksthorns]

call tgirl dommes without bottom dysphoria the tower of Bable the way their presence makes my speech incomprehensible and the way that when fully erected they can show me god

call tgirl dommes with bottom dysphoria the tower of Babel the way their presence makes my speech incomprehensible and the way that a pillar is to be removed by a most divine act because it should never have existed and it's removal shall bring great relief to a being who rightfully rules over me

call post-op tgirl dommes the tower of Babel the way their presence makes my speech incomprehensible and the way that religious folk insist they defy god whilst in reality their existence is testament to humanities ability to alter this unfair world to bring joy and peace to those who are part of it

[invitedeath]

SEPHIROTH                          — relationship & plotter call.

hello lovely isolians! it’s been actually ages since i made my first one, or my second one, so i’m coming back with new vigour & hopefully some new ideas to tempt you all into friendship ( or...enemy...ship) with sephiroth!

so liking this post means that you are 100% down with interacting with me in some fashion! ways this might happen may be... → me sending you im’s / tumblr asks to plot or chat! i can be quite a talkative person as a forewarning, as i love discussing rp things as well as getting to know my rp partner!  → if we are already friends on discord or twitter, i might message you that way to ask you about plots or ideas or to run things by you. → exchanging ask memes / meme day things that might be a bit more personal than a general sentence meme. → possible random starters or musings dedicated to your muse, sometimes i get sudden inspiration for these things! i will always check first that you’re okay with taking on a new thread, but yes this is for just... if i get inspired & want to put something up for you! → general tomfoolery and shenanigans in character ( and ooc if you like )

you can contact me via the im system here, by the /ask feature or you can ask for my discord/twitter if you prefer those. just let me know. discord is the most private however so we’d need to chat a bit more elsewhere first just for my comfort! i am in the isola discord sever however so we can totally talk in that server for a bit too!

FRIENDS.

↪ honestly friendships aren’t typically on the agenda for him. he is arrogant beyond belief and considers everyone to be weaker than him or to some degree unworthy of his time or energy. he really does not have any interest emotionally in anyone besides himself, instead he is far more likely to use and discard people when they are no longer needed. HOWEVER, in 2020 sephiroth underwent quite a big character development stage, essentially his long-term goal came to a head and it backfired pretty back when he got all his powers back, so while he’s super strong again now, he’s also semi-content (i guess) with living in isola for a while, if only so he can figure out how the multiverse works (meta, i know). he talks to people now (wow!) and engages in mostly philosophical conversations, about... life. death. etc.

↪  i am down to... vague villain-alliance type deals with fellow power players here. he wont consider your muse a friend, but rather a pawn or even a means to an end, that end being his goal of generally using this island for his means, apologies. preferably the intellectual, over-powered, edgy types will probably gravitate towards him more, but i’m willing to throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. he’s not a nice guy, by any means, but it would be interesting to see how he has to play the game here to his advantage until he regains powers. i especially would like to interact with other villains who are kind of just chilling, maybe they’re veterans in spirale also and they can share a glass of wine over watching all the citizens running around like ants. we could also do a murder if you are into that. 

↪ there are some cases where he might engage in conversation with non-villain types and these would likely be far more dialogue-heavy threads including metaphorical topics or debates. the conversations of life, death, mortality, good vs evil, frailty of existence, legacy, power and corruption, calamities, birthright and betrayal are just some of the topics possible to arise in discussion. that being said, whilst these topics would be of interest to him, the character themselves must meet his standard of what he considers worthy of his time eg. those just willing to argue with him will bore him whereas someone curious to his nature might be treated to an actual conversation. over time this has opened up into most people being capable of talking to him. he has less patience for over-eager plucky types, but anyone with a respectable manner who likes talking a lot will probably find an interesting conversation partner in this... ONLY SLIGHTLY CHILLED sephiroth. he’s not totally chill, he’s just a lil chill.

↪ warriors, outcasts, villains, intellectuals, fellow puppet-master type villains especially, those he ‘befriended’ in past events, perhaps even neighbours to his castle would all be likely connections. friends of those he has worked alongside or met, or those wishing to seek great power and know of his existence might seek him out also, but yes... ““““friends”“““ is a very difficult term for him. he’s getting better.

→ his most recent developments see him as a far more casual version of his canon self, over a year of living as close to a “domestic life” as possible have meant that whilst he is aloof and cold, he is also far more likely to be out and about, buying wine at some creepy gas station at 4:30am for example. he chats when he’s in the mood and might even stick around to cause some chaos for the sake of boredom eating him alive. so whilst he is still very much a dangerous inhabitant here in spirale, sephiroth is currently Domesticated somewhat. 

ENEMIES.

↪ heroes of all shapes and sizes might feel threatened by the ominous presence of a monster who seems inclined to side with chaos as opposed to peace. he’s not outright starting fires here but he is present in the more morbid moments of isolian discourse, an omen of death lingering on the sideline. he has his plans and he may just mock you with them, but in general since he does and WILL cut down npcs ( or players ) alike, he makes for the perfect villain. BE WARY he has all of his powers unlocked and knows the island well. fighting him would not guarantee your victory, especially if you are a freshly applied character.

in feb 2020 he almost brought chaos to spirale too so i’m sure anyone holding a grudge or wary of a potential threat like that would be very aggro towards him.

↪ he has traumas. plenty of them. some of them originate from labs and white coats, meaning he might just view you as an enemy if you’re a scientist or someone who dabbles in human experimentation. his reasons are his own, but let’s just say that if you consider him a good candidate for poking and prodding with scientific equipment, you may just lose an arm.

↪ i LOVE fight threads especially really gritty, bloody types. i would prefer to plot these out so we know what’s going on beforehand, but feel free to develop these with me honestly i love a good old classic villain hero showdown. he’s less likely to get into these without a good reason but if we do one, the winner is randomly determined via generator to make it fair if your character is also uncapped!

→ police/law enforcers/general crime stoppers might remember him for causing a bit of trouble in the past! insert how bad me be gif. try and ??? get him to apologise i guess. arresting sephiroth sounds like the plot of a funny movie. 

LOVERS.

↪ this man has a bf now, can you believe it? 2021...isola gay rights. 

MISC.

↪ pawns and such would be a fun dynamic later. his general presence is pretty terrifying, so it wouldn’t be a stretch if you have an appropriate muse for them to be fearful enough to carry out some little tasks for him. this might be more common later on, but i’m down to discussion for it currently!

↪ places you may find him can include:                 ↪ near his residence ( personal housing; castle in the mistwood  )                 ↪ fibonacci ward ( levels 3 and 4 especially due to the museums and things. but also the lowest levels, he tends to wander around there as if searching for something... feel free to try and figure out what it is )                 ↪ golden ward ( the university if only to borrow books from the library, he can read there for days at a time without sleep or food. he reads all kinds of things, both fiction and non fiction. )                 ↪ archimedes ward ( pretty much everywhere in this ward, it’s my favourite. he enjoys music and art sometimes. hit me with that biblical shit. )                ↪ the mistwood ( 100% down to be that cryptic creature that leads you from your path to your likely doom )                ↪ the city of yesteryear ( typically the underground areas, just investigating really. any strange occurrences would likely draw him there as would any presence of a strong power. )                ↪ atop skyscrapers, looming at the ‘edge’ of the world we can currently explore, typically more active at night, perhaps at the scene of a murder / attack ( plotted ), if he’s feeling extra ballsy he might be found in a bar but its very rare. very VERY rare, wandering broken buildings, invading scientific facilities or buildings. he’s not going to be found in busy, socially strained areas basically.

↪ i’m down for any ideas you might have too for plots so feel free to just message me if nothing here caters!

STATS PAGE | APPLICATION | PLOTTING PAGE

[thebigladjake]

Year 2: Summer Brief - Cognitivation: Enemies and Wildlife Design

One of the most endearing parts of Earthbound was it’s enemy design and feel. Since it’s set in the modern world, no longer are you fighting dragons or demons or little blob creatures, instead you arm yourselves up with a baseball bat, grab your favourite hat and start knocking out Runaway Dogs and Spiteful Crows! 

When you go into the next town, you’ll run into New Age Retro Hippies who may bash into you carelessly, Cranky Old Ladies that swing their bags at you for massive damage and Annoying Revelers that spend a turn to grumble about today’s youth!

The enemies encountered on your way between towns are more than likely going to be some kind of little everyday creature that we can encounter in everyday life. Just a little more dangerous to our heroes! Enemies are made to fit their environments. Caves are the home to moles or mushrooms or ants, while the deserts are open to scorpions and snakes!

Of course, this isn’t the only kind of enemies that are affected by Giygas’ influence. Giygas of course has his own henchmen that wield the very psychic powers that you have been using!

And finally, perhaps the most iconic of Giygas’ henchmen. Complete with a simple, sleek design that easily establishes their authority and position in the Giygas hierarchy. The many classes of the Starmen provide for some of the most challenging battles in the game.

So, as you can see, the enemy design of Earthbound is absolutely fascinating. They establish a mood in the battle with either their goofy designs or gestures or make you feel uneasy and maybe that the battle will be too much to handle! They all appear in the appropriate places, you don’t get a Starman just wondering the streets of Ness’ hometown at the start of the game. You don’t get scorpions in water. Every location was thought about clearly and the appropriate enemies were placed into them. 

Although, not all of the enemies are based off of objects, I really liked that aspect of Earthbound. Like just an everyday object that can be turned into a weapon or a menacing little enemy to fight. So much so, that I messaged a few of my friends and asked them to give me an object and from their suggestions, I generated these little characters in the spirit of Earthbound.

Series 1 - Cognitivation Enemies

From left to right we have: - Sock (Suggested by Alex) - Chicken Wing (Suggested by Nathan) - Gooch (Suggested by Keanu) - Keychain (Suggested by Kyle) - Vase of Flowers (Suggested by Joe) - Spliff (Suggested by Matty)

For this series, I knew I wanted to have some weird looking enemies and rather than forcing the ideas to come, I simply asked around and got some pretty nice results from their suggestions! We’ll start things off with Sock.

The Sock of Suffering crawls out!

The Sock of Suffering is a sock that was influenced by the Enigma, gaining consciousness and becoming aware of what it is! Waking up in a draw of someone’s room, it becomes too aware and wants it’s pain to end! 

Typically found in messy rooms of people that don’t care for themselves, the Sock generally hids out of the way of people, only encounter-able in dark places. Once found, the Sock shall begin to scream in an attempt to warn off it’s predators. Generating a thick saliva that it’ll shoot out to poison it’s opponent! Though, that is the extent of it’s combat abilities.

Many breeds of this sock exists, coming in all different sizes and colours! Most definitely not available in a store near you.... Or maybe they are?

The Scalding Chicken Wing bursts in!

A chicken prophet, prays to it’s god before it’s sacrifice, dousing itself in hot sauce it prays for a fire based attack to land! Once it does, it’s power transcends that of a normal chicken! It’s emotional stability goes out the window! Gaining access to the most offensive and potent Fire attacks known to all PSI users!

These can typically be found in Fast Food stores after being greased up in a fryer! The chickens they come from can be found on the farms of the eastern sides of the island, they all pray to the one true lord; Colonel Sanders and pray that their sacrifice will not be in vain! It will use different sauces to enhance it’s capabilities in battle! Although, if it’s paired with a hungry teammate, they may just tuck into it! No matter how hot the chicken wing may be!

The main inspiration for the Chicken Wing’s design was actually hot sauce. Like how hot it can actually be and how it might make you react in pain or anger.

The Armoured Gooch rolls up from behind!

One of the objects that cropped up that was not made from Enigma’s influence, instead they were sent by Enigma itself to patrol the world and keep guard at certain areas of interest! The Armoured Gooch rolls around, it’s face smushed inside it’s tough armour. It’s defences are high, but lacks an offensive front. It’s not powerful or smart enough to handle PSI based attacks, so it usually rolls into it’s foes.

Wherever Enigma has infected, Gooches will be patrolling the place making sure nobody intrudes. Abandoned factories, city halls, etc. They tend to initiate battle by sneaking up behind it’s opponents, getting the jump on them! Armoured Gooches generally don’t work in teams due to their sheer incompetence, their allies will tend to flee from the battle only to get away from the Gooch!

This is only the basic Armoured Gooch, many breeds exist with many different armour sets to distinguish their ranks. This blue colour being the second to lowest rank.

The Body-building Keychain swings his keys!

Found abandoned on the streets, this little toy bear keychain had to learn to fend for himself the hard way. Being thrown into it’s situation and linked to a heavy set of keys, the Keychain got sick of it and worked on himself. Transforming him into the Body-building Keychain! A tough, hench little bear who wield his set of keys. Throwing them into opponent or stabbing at them with the keys themselves. It’d probably be more effective if he was bigger than a keychain...

These critters are typically found in abandoned streets or fairgrounds where prizes like these keychains are likely to be.

The Dooming Bloom... Blooms!

An experiment given life, the Dooming Bloom are a team of three flowers trapped together in a vase! Their absurdly long necks and hefty bodies aren’t a good match as they can’t really stand up on their own, plus they can’t survive without being in water! Much like a normal flower! 

The three flowers all represent their life cycle, left is them coming into bloom, a little tired and low energy since they haven’t reached their own potential yet. 

Whereas the middle is the happiest little chappie alive! Wearing a big innocent smile, they only want the best in life and tries to pursue every dream they’ve ever had.... Too bad they’re all evil plots to destroy orphanages, cause nationwide pandemics and leave scathing reviews on upcoming movies before they come out! So, don’t feel bad when this guy dies.... 

The Mean Green lights it up!

This shifty character is the Mean Green! The Sinister Minister! A devious figure that was created out of Enigma’s own imagination to go down to Earth and unleashing his devious deeds upon hopeless people. Mean Green sells a lot of illegal merchandise that does more harm than good, since it’s corrupting the people of the Earth and letting Enigma take control of their minds!

Working from the shadows in big cities, he’s got a lot of the criminal underworld now on his side. With knowledge of the entire city layout, he knows everywhere to hide and everywhere that’s perfect for operating his plans...

Helping to Develop the World

When it comes to developing stories with deeper narratives, I tend to stick to a very loose plan so that if I develop something I can usually add it in easily without having to majorly change anything. And with designing these creatures first, it gives me a feel of what the world will be like. What locations and challenges can our heroes face? 

Maybe they go to an Amusement Park, fighting strong keychains and scalding chicken wings! Maybe they have to venture into the deepest parts of the city to stop Mean Green’s evil schemes!

Not only that, but it’s a lot of fun to look at an object and see how it can be turned into a mean little character that can pack a punch!

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #153: “Home is the Hero!”

November, 1976

Since I’m typing this while sick, I can’t really figure out if that title makes no sense or what. I know all the words but in that order its like whaaaaat.

There’s actually a number of things going on here that don’t really mesh well with ill loopiness.

But first, the cover.

The Avengers sure are getting their asses kicked by an elderly man with heart troubles.

Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!

Actually its kind of weird how easy it is to solo the Avengers if the plot says so. Grim Reaper managed it. The Whizzer is managing it. Orka, the man dressed as the whale that isn’t a whale managed it. Ant-Man will manage it soon. They’re kind of a paper tiger sometimes. Just crumbling before the right single individual.

But its hard to come out with a fresh new story every month, probably.

Also, Jack Kirby cover! And tiny judgemental Vision has changed his pose! It truly is a brand new day!

Anyway.

We start off with Scarlet Witch flying towards the ruins of the Brand Corporation.

Right off the bat, something is amiss.

Scarlet Witch cannot usually fly.

Apparently, this was later retconned as Wanda using an experimental “flying belt” which I guess she was wearing under her leotard. Not a strong early showing for the new creative team, I’ll tell you that.

I think the bare minimum for writing on a comic should be knowing the characters you’re going to be writing.

Although, y’know, its weird that the Avengers didn’t invest in experimental flying belts or flight rings or whatever for their non-flying members. It would save a heap of trouble and they have Tony Stark, right there.

Wonder Man gets a flight belt of sorts later but since its rocket powered and he can only use it because he has an invincible hiney, its not really suitable for the rest of the team.

So okay, Scarlet Witch has returned to the remains of the Brand Corporation which isn’t a crime scene or cordoned off or anything. Ffs, Marvel law enforcement.

When suddenly, a laser ZAMM!s her, causing her to plummet to the ground, her flight belt that she totally has shorted out or something.

Thinking quick, she turns the ground to water to soften her fall but she still gets the wind knocked out of her.

She also happens to land right next to the Serpent Crown, which she is apparently here for. Maybe she’s still subconsciously manipulating probabilities because that’s dang lucky.

Or perhaps darn unlucky. She landed next to the thing but someone shot her out of the sky and after that fall, she’s in no shape to fight whoever is the laser wielding person.

Unsurprise, its the Living Laser.

He’s the worst.

Anyway, he takes his time to gloat about how cool he is. Y’know, just villain things.

But he’s here to take the Serpent Crown. A gaudy hat like that will go wonders with his garish outfit.

How the hell did the Avengers just forget the artifact of doom that they stole from another world?!

Anyway, Living Laser is not like those other villains. Instead of leaving while the hero is helpless, he’s just going to kill her now on the off chance she might become a problem.

So something has to get in the way if his own stupidity won’t.

The Brand private army charges forward to attack Scarlet Witch, recognizing her as one of the Avengers that busted up the place.

Living Laser blasts some of them and then decides to completely forget about Scarlet Witch and laser teleport away. Thanks, laser inattentiveness!

Meanwhile, the rest of the Avengers return from New Orleans in the Quinjet, raising so many questions. Did Scarlet Witch fly all the way to New York with the experimental flying belt that she somehow got between issues? Why not just catch a ride most of the way with the Avengers since they were headed the same way?

This Is Something I Have To Do Myself is a cursed trope, constantly vexing me.

Anyway. The Avengers return. And have to go into their mansion through the back door because there’s still a big mob of lookie-loos and newspeeps at the front door. Even though Jarvis kicked them off the property last issue.

You need to work on your follow-through, Jarvis.

But here’s a thing: over the past several hours, Wonder Man’s heartbeat has been getting stronger. He’s coming back to life, maybe!

Oh and Jarvis shows up and implies why he didn’t finish tossing out the nosy mob. The Avengers had a guest show up while they were out and Jarvis deposited him in the sitting room to await their return.

Its Bob Frank, the Whizzer (But not the Squadron Sinisterpreme one. The All-Winners Squad and Liberty Legion one). And he specifically wants to see Vision.

Apparently the Whizzer disappeared after Quicksilver and Crystal’s wedding and Wanda and Vision worried after him. They even thought him dead. Not enough to ever bring it up or go searching for him on panel. But they were worried, on the inside.

But Whizzer didn’t come to wallow in self-pity or explain what he’s been up to. He’s come to check on Wanda, because of that broadcast that implied she might leave the Avengers. Remember? From #151?

Vision confides that Wanda temporarily left him and the Avengers the previous night on a journey of self-understanding and wishes to be alone.

And then someone shines a laser in Bob Frank’s eye and instead of going blind, all hell breaks loose.

The Whizzer goes wild and BOM!s Vision. He also forgot who Vision was and what they were talking about.

Wouldn’t it be terrifying for someone with superpowers to get dementia?

That’s not going on here and frankly I’ll express my doubts at the ability of the Avengers book to handle the subject with the tact and respect required. But the thought occurred to me.

Thank god for sliding time scales, I guess.

Anyway, Vision was BOM!’d unconscious and Whizzer whizzes off as if searching for something.

But finds Captain America, Beast, and Iron Man, who came to investigate that BOM!.

Cap throws his mighty shield but Whizzer, he does not yield. I’m calling into question his patriotism.

Whizzer calls Cap Isbisa, accuses him of wanting to take over the world and then WHAM!s Iron Man hard while Beast cannonballs out of the way, spouting witticisms.

Cap tries to talk Whizzer down but Whizzer spins him right round until he corkscrews up and into the ceiling. Like. INTO the ceiling. As in, its a surprise Cap has any skull left.

And then we reach a short impasse of sorts. Whizzer is moving too fast for Beast to do much to. The guy is freaked out and apparently hypnotized to boot. But Beast is acrobatic enough that Whizzer is maybe too fast to catch him? If that makes sense?

So instead he uses brains. He runs at and bounces off the wall so hard that part of the ceiling collapses, burying Beast.

Quicksilver could learn a lot from this guy, as far as purposefully running into walls goes.

And with no one left to fight, Whizzer’s head clears a little. Its not the forties at all. And then he hears a buzzing and suddenly his head feels like its splitting apart from pain.

And then he passes out.

Because apparently Yellowjacket and the Wasp had flown inside his ear and shot his ear drums.

Clever of them to not just join the fight and instead wait until everyone else got punched.

Eighteen minutes of off-screen action and the two size-changing heroes manage to scrape together the other three. Beast is conscripted to carry Whizzer to the lab.

Beast: “Since when was I elected donkey for this troop?”

Vision: “In many ways, you are our strongest member, Hank McCoy -- and thus, you may sometimes be unduly burdened.”

I call shenanigans on that. You’re just hazing the new guy, aren’t you?

But while everyone was either getting beaten up by the Whizzer or flying inside his ears, Wonder Man vanished. And not only that, someone wrecked up the lab where they left him.

It almost feels as if the whole thing with the Whizzer was some kind of distraction?

Anyway, Wonder Man stumbles out the side exit of the mansion because its a mansion and can have more than two exists. And some of the lookie-loos spot him and recognize him as Wonder Man.

They immediately get right up in his personal space, grabbing at him and begging for souvenirs.

And Simon Williams, aka Wonder Man, is not really up to speed yet. He’s running in safe mode, as it were. Because he acts on instinct to being mobbed and smacks away the crowd and then absconds.

And the narration notes that at this point he’s almost moving like a normal living person, with none of the stiffness of a zuvembie. Also, gone is the blank expressionless stare ALTHOUGH HOW YOU COULD TELL THAT THROUGH THE VISOR IS BEYOND ME, CREATIVE TEAM.

So, yeah. Remember how we left Scarlet Witch at Brand?

Yeah, she’s still there. And still being accosted by the Brand private army that doesn’t know that their bosses have all been arrested and they are probably unemployed.

She doesn’t even bother telling them either. Just dismisses them as frozen in blind obedience and immediately starts scarlet witching at them.

And then becomes frightened of the violence that her powers can cause, which seems like a step back for her, possibly. Not the sort of way her character was going under Englehart, is the feeling I get. Where she ripped a meteor from heaven and exulted in it. And now she gets frightened because she made the ground shake a little.

Oh, and then she gets shot.

One of the Brand punks she knocked down was playing possum, grabbed a gun and managed to get her in the shoulder.

Scarlet Witch decides to leave this pointless fight and warn the Avengers about the Living Laser and the Serpent Crown.

Now back to Wonder Man, already in progress.

The resurrected or whatever Wonder Man has been wandering the streets of Yorktown but finds himself drawn to a bright light down a particular street.

And a figure appears in that bright light.

AHHHHHH WONDER MAN IS BEING ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!

Oh. Oh. No, its Living Laser.

Anyway, he says he mentally commanded Wonder Man to come here to become his slave. And he also shot the Whizzer to hallucinate that the Avengers were enemies by shooting him in the eye with a laser. Which presumably was a distraction so that he could mentally command Wonder Man to wreck the lab and leave the mansion.

It’s all coming together.

Living Laser now has improved laser powers (possibly even laser willpower), the Serpent Crown, and Wonder Man as muscle.

Oh and Living Laser wasn’t the one who resurrected Wonder Man either. He considers it an unimportant mystery that might amuse him to solve one day.

We getting a lot of red herrings on our way through this mystery.

So while Living Laser proceeds with another brilliant part of his master plan of awesomeness, he commands Wonder Man to seek out and destroy the Avengers!

If they’re fighting and being killed by Wonder Man, they can’t interfere. Its genius.

And Wonder Man agrees.

“THE AVENGERS MUST BE DESTROYED!”

Geez. Think for yourself you holly jolly idiot.

We have a letters column again this time. Do people care about the letters column from decades ago? I kind of find it interesting in a pinhole snapshot kind of way.

Someone complains about the amount of reprinted material in #150, which I’m right there for. Another person complains about taking Thor out of the Avengers saying they wouldn’t be the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes without him (the Kooky Quartet weeps), instead suggesting that a character who hasn’t been in the line-up so long be removed. Which would be... probably only Beast? Everyone else has been around a long time, even during times when Thor was off the team.

Whoever answers these letters invites readers to send in their opinions for a Thor vs No Thor poll. Might be interesting, if its included in the Marvel Unlimited version.

Next time: this story concludes in a Giant-Size Avengers. Give all your money to Marvel. Consume. Obey. Obey the Serpent Crown.

Follow @essential-avengers. It exists.

[moviesihaveseenbeforeiamdea-blog]

#609 The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

Source

Released: October 1, 1974

Director: Tobe Hooper

Written by: Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel

Starring: Marilyn Burns, Paul A. Partain, Gunnar Hansen

Had I Seen it Before? No

American Humane Society-approved: Not really, literal animal corpses are scattered throughout this movie, but! Tobe Hooper became a vegetarian as a result of this movie, and this movie is positioned (credibly) as pro-animal rights.  

There are a lot of movies that have behind-the-scenes featurettes which detail stressful, complicated, but ultimately ordinary film shoots that are interesting for those already invested in the movie but aren’t, ultimately, necessary. There are movies like Apocalypse Now where the accompanying making-of documentary, in this case, Heart of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse, are as interesting as the movie that made them possible. And then there are movies like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre where the stories behind the process of filming are as legendary as the film itself, and the lack of footage of that shooting is a tragedy.  It was amateur hour on the set of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and the sadism of the movie’s themes run a nice parallel to the near-total disregard director Tobe Hooper (R.I.P.) had for his cast and crew.

But goddamn if this movie isn’t a vision, even a vile, inhumane one. Horror movies tend to be a reflection of whatever the most topical cultural anxieties are, and Hooper has claimed that this movie’s faux-authentic style, claiming to be based on a true event and filming in a deliberately lo-fi way, was Hooper’s commentary on a post-Watergate, post-Vietnam American society where bold proclamations of authenticity and authority are red herrings to a deeply sadistic story. 

Edwin Neal, Jim Siedow, and Gunnar Hansen as the brothers Leatherface (Source)

Bequeathing the title of “Scariest Movie Ever” is always going to doom a movie in the long-term. More than most genres, what makes a horror movie successful is a moving target, and what was shocking and taboo forty years ago is going to seem quaint now. The reports of walkouts and total disgust during viewings for a movie that debuted only six years after The Night of the Living Dead, and Chain Saw’s level of intensity is certainly upping the ante, but in a world where the Saw franchise has become laughable, this movie probably didn’t have a chance of shocking in 2017. 

It is so easy for a scary movie to tip over into being a funny one, and everyone has seen the consequences of a movie that attempts to be scary falling flat on its face and only making the audience laugh. As someone who has seen all nine Hellraiser movies, I can attest to the wealth of comedy in movies that don’t find themselves to be funny. Chain Saw has its funny elements---the final dinner scene is chockful of them---but it never lets the humor get away from itself, instead those moments of levity only provide a brief moment of respite to continually remind the viewer that what they’re seeing is disturbing. (The Texas Monthly article I’ve linked to below has more on this.)

But even if Chain Saw isn’t king of the mountain anymore, there’s still a lot to appreciate for its technical ability and dedication to an aesthetic. By all accounts, Hooper was green when he came up with directing this movie (an idea that came to him, apparently, when he was stuck in a mall during the Christmas shopping season and envisioned ways he could speed up the process), and everything in this movie is built around that amateur approach.

The editing, for one, is probably the saving grace in this movie, cutting between shots rapidly and with abandon, attempting to stuff as much imagery as possible in the movie’s below-average runtime. A much-less aware director might have butchered the movie’s intensity by keeping the movement on screen too trackable and coherent, but the frantic pace that Hooper jumps from shot to shot is disorienting and ramshackle in its vision. The cinematography is also rough, the film quality is shit, and the actors overworked and exhausted. The soundtrack lacks any recognizable melodies are even instruments, being a collection of aggressive ambient noises and industrial themes. There’s a Sunn O))) remix somewhere in all the atonal sounds used in making this movie as offensive to every sense that it can be. 

And there are moments of truly inspired design in this movie. The mansion where the bulk of the killing takes place is disgusting, littered with dead animals and bones and all kinds of macabre knick-knacks which were reportedly real. Hansen’s masks are gross, and his behavior unintelligible. Hansen was reportedly pissed when all of his speaking lines were taken away, but the movie is better for it with Leatherface as a hulking oaf incapable of forming complete sentences, squealing and muttering to himself. Hansen apparently studied the behavior of mentally disabled children for the role, which is, you know, not good, but he gives an inspired performance in a one-note role. His final chainsaw dance at the end of the film is almost beautiful as Hansen swings his saw around in frustration in the sunrise, flailing around without any agenda or ideology. He is only a mass of white-hot rage and an insatiable urge to maim and hurt. 

The final chain saw dance (Source)

If nothing else, the people involved in the production of this movie, cast, and crew, can rest easy knowing they made one of the most profitable horror movies of all time, making $30 million on a budget somewhere between $60,000 - $300,000. Just kidding! Due to the complicated funding structure of the movie and Henkel and Hooper’s habit of giving away shares of the movie as collateral for an investment, most of the actors made next to nothing from the movie, and Henkel and Hooper’s career never reached any greater heights.

This movie’s legacy is mostly in the inspiration it holds for would-be filmmakers who have nothing but the balls and the brains to get a movie done, damn the consequences. If there’s a will, there’s a way, and Chain Saw is evidence of that. 

Final thoughts: 

For a very brief moment, Sally seems concerned about her disabled brother being chainsawed to death right in front of her before abandoning him completely.

And while I’m on the point, this movie seems to exist explicitly to fuck with Franklin. 

The very last scene of this movie is such a clusterfuck. Sally escapes the house, chased by Leatherface and his brother. The brother catches up to Sally and hacks away at her with a knife as a big rig approaches and runs him over (he mostly stands in the way). The truck driver tries to help Sally before Leatherface shows up. The driver throws a wrench at Leatherface’s head, causing him to chain saw his own leg. The truck driver then runs away and disappears as another truck shows up and whisks Sally away.

And you know what? Speaking of, no one in this movie seems to understand how to drive in a tense situation. Jerry drives *maybe* 5 mph after they kick out the hitchhiker, as said hitchhiker attacks the vehicle with a knife. The first truck driver who helps Sally climbs into his cab and shuts the door on Leatherface, but hops out the other side of the truck instead of, you know, driving away. The third truck driver does an impressive 180-degree drift and picks up Sally, but at first only manages to drive slightly slower than Leatherface can run, leaving Sally to fend him off for another moment. Does no one understand that, relative to a human being, cars can go really, really fast?

Hansen nearly killed himself with that chain saw, which was real and operating throughout the movie. The guy couldn’t see out of the mask he had to wear, and at one point slipped on a pool of fake blood and sent the saw way up into the air, where it fell inches away from his body. He was not the only one to be endangered by Hooper’s directorial extremes throughout production, and a lengthy article in Texas Monthly does a great job of showing that, given his low budget, Hooper figured the best he could do was make it as real as possible in lieu of state-of-the-art effects. If Burns is planning a trip to dance on Hooper’s grave, this article will explain why.

For how outright violent and offensive this movie is, it is oddly restrained in its blood and gore. I think this was probably a technical necessity due to the infinitesimal budget, but it works in the movie’s favor for the most part. The kills are mostly implied, and so it’s easy to imagine a lot more disturbing action that Hooper could have realistically depicted. There’s always more horror in imagination.