#some things i miss are like back in pre-pandemic where i'd just freely be myself
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Anxiety
#social cues! nonverbal actions!#you can get your point across in forms other than words#whether it be eye contact or a 'mhm' or affirming stuff like that#voice/irl is generally better for me but if i struggle w anxiety then it's generally worse than anxiety over text#i really want to talk w people more. especially since hs yes i really should make more connections#but then what stops me is 1) anxiety/fear in general 2) lack of energy#so i find it hard to make a move (which is why i struggle w initiating stuff)#n i also struggle with guilt if in my moment of weakness or anxiety i end up doing (or the lack of action) smth that'll i'll regret#i think i just really struggle with a lot of anxiety n fuck i don't know how to deal with it#bcs i even get anxious sometimes for coming off as 'too kind' :/ n then i'm afraid of overstepping boundaries#i don't want to butt in or meddle w others lives if they don't want to#generally i'm good at reading people but i'm actual shit if i'm involved with it in any way#i can analyze it from an outsider's perspective but not from the inside#n then yeah. i really just want to talk w people more in general :')#the most fulfilling school year i've had in terms of friendships was grade 6 ffs#yes fine i admit it i am very lonely. i would like to indulge myself in this very humane aspect of myself though.#but then anxietyyy n then i worry bcs i don't really feel like i'm fun to talk to??#i'm slow i'm quiet i'm shy#i do well enough when i'm just myself but that's hard for me to really do bcs anxiety restrains me#i don't want to be so anxious but i really overthink and stress over everything. and it just continues on draining and restraining me#some things i miss are like back in pre-pandemic where i'd just freely be myself#n i also miss like last school year where me n my friends wld call more yeah. even if i don't particularly talk /a lot/ i still#yeah i really enjoy the company of other people.#it's kinda like since apollo n i share a room. we do different things and activities but we're 'together' i love that comfortable company#n i miss when i'd just ramble abt my interests or thoughts in text or smth. mostly i just write to 'myself' but there's#there's smth i like abt that other ppl can read it if ever as well. i don't specifically write it out there for others to read bcs idm but#it's nice being silently listened too. i don't particularly ramble a lot to others bcs i'm more of a listener.#in my main friend grp tho... yeah maybe i'm a bit deprived of talking bcs i'm more used to my friends sharing stuff abt their interests#idm i really love listening to ppl ! but sometimes it gets a bit lonely for me yeahhh#everything hurts i wna cry i hate being so shy T_T i'm going back to sleep i hate this so much
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