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heartofether · 3 years ago

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The Vast & Starlit Special: Part One - The Scandals of Atticus Ashfield TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

VAL

Hey, Val here. Just wanted to do a quick little introduction for our three-part Vast & Starlit special. This is going to be our last little bit of bonus content before season two officially begins on August 13th. We talk about this in the episode, but if you would like to find more information about the game we’re playing, you can find a link in the episode description. Thank you so much for all of the support, and enjoy our Vast & Starlit special!

[MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE SLOWLY FADING OUT.]

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Well, that went well. It’ll be fine.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] All is well.

LUKA

Everything is okay.

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING, IN A BRITISH ACCENT] Alright.

LUKA

Alright, so I guess, let’s get into it!

VAL

Cheers!

LUKA

Should we introduce ourselves?

JESSE

I feel like we should.

VAL

I think that’s probably good.

LUKA

It’s weird to like, talk, and be like, “Oh, hey besties.”

JESSE

“Hey.”

[LOTS OF UNCLEAR, OVERLAPPING CHATTER AND STUTTERING FOR A MOMENT.]

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] “Greetings, besties.”

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Uh, a lot of times, what I do think is funny is we’ll, like, do bonus content, and then say spoilers, and Val will just beep it out in recording. So I was going to introduce myself and the character I play, and I do think you guys can still do that.

LAUREN

Okay.

VAL

Yeah, and then I’ll just censor it out. It’ll be like, “Hi, I play—”

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Because it’s a funny joke to me.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Val, if you—I don’t know if you want to start.

VAL

Um, yeah, I can start. My name is Val, I’m the writer and producer of The Heart of Ether. I also voice Rosemary Quinn. What else are we saying about ourselves? Is this just—do we wanna throw in a fun fact—?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Um, I would just—sure, if you want.

VAL

[LAUGHING] Oh, I don’t have any fun facts, so.

Everything I own is mushroom-themed. Because, according to my parents, that’s my only interest.

LUKA

They’re not wrong.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Um, hello! I am Luka Miller. I play Irene Gray. I did not prepare a fun fact, but I guess I will say that Irene’s Instagram fun fact is a personal attack on me.

[LAUGHTER.]

JES

Oh.

LAUREN

Oh? Okay.

LUKA

I don’t—it wasn’t intentional, but it is. [THEY LAUGH.]

We have two new guests!

[A FEW SECONDS OF EVERYONE INTERMITTENTLY GOING “OOH!” IN INTERESTED TONES, THEN LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Jes, would you like to go first?

JESSE

[STUTTERING] Alright, okay. Uh, well, I’m Jesse Smith. I played Dr. Michaels in season one, and I will be playing [CENSORED BEEP]. And my fun fact, [A BEAT.] I’m currently dressed like a pirate.

VAL

Jes is the only one who dressed up for this. I didn’t—I didn’t know we were dressing up for today.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

[STUTTERING] I wish—I didn’t commit to the bit. That’s hard.

VAL

It’s okay.

LAUREN

Um, well, I guess that leaves me! Hi, I’m Lauren Tucker. I was not on season one of The Heart of Ether, but I will be playing [CENSORED BEEP] in season two.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

Big fan of the show, really, that’s [STUTTERING] that’s my fun fact, actually, is that I am the number one Heart of Ether stan. And, I get typecast as [CENSORED BEEP.] And I love it, so.

[LAUGHTER, THEN OVERLAPPING, UNCLEAR TALKING FOR A SECOND.]

LAUREN

You can tell I’ve never done, like, non-scripted for audio before, so this should be interesting.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Yeah.

VAL

Very fun.

LUKA

Yeah, this will be very interesting. Very excited.

[IN A BRITISH ACCENT] So, I suppose I will lead us—oh no, it’s coming out.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

I was going to try really hard not to default into, like, the bad British accent.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] The Incident Report, it’s already happening.

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Okay, well, I will introduce the game we are playing, I suppose.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Cheers!

LUKA

So, today we are playing Vast & Starlit by Epidiah Ravachol, I hope that I said that right. Okay, um, basically, we are all escaped convicts, and we’ve stolen this ship.

LAUREN

Oh. Wild.

JESSE

Oh, we stole the ship?

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.]

LAUREN

Interesting.

JESSE

I thought this was a prison.

VAL

We were in prison.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] No no no, we’re runnin’ away from prison!

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

So we have all done crime.

JESSE

Okay.

LAUREN

Oh, that works perfectly well.

LUKA

Yes. So, this is mostly an improv-based game. We all have made characters. And the other thing is there—[STUTTERING] I am taking on the role of “GM.” That’s not a very strict role.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

I am here to move the story along. I also have a character. Very excited about it. Um, but I guess we can just kind of get into introducing our characters first, and we have a few questions that we have to ask each other. And then we get to design our ship a little bit. And then we will get going, and we will end up playing out some scenes together until the vibes signal that we are done.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Uh, so I don’t know who wants to introduce their character first.

VAL

Do you wanna go first, Luka? Just to give an example?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] I can.

VAL

[STUTTERING] ‘Cause you know the most about this game.

LUKA

Also, we can do questions as we introduce our characters, so I guess I can go over that first.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Okay.

LUKA

And then I can go first, and we can just go with me as an example. So, we have character questions we get to ask each other after we have been introduced. One of them needs to be off of this list. I’m just going to say it, and if you need a reminder, I’ll say it again. But, we have to ask each other at least one of these three: “What are you willing to do to be captain?”, “How would we be better off if you led?”, and “What do we lose by not listening to you?”

However, the other four questions can be anything.

LAUREN

Anything?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] They are just—yes, anything.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Yes, anything. Anything about your character. And like, I’ll say this: I’ll give you my description, you can be like, “Where’d you get that scar?” And I’ll have to answer you.

LAUREN

Oh, I’m so excited.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] You get to choose things for me.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

So, I guess I will introduce my character, and we will go through the first round of questions.

So, my character is named Atticus Ashfield. [THEN, QUIETER] We don’t need to get into it. I understand they sound like X-character that is unreleased from Micro-Cosmos. We don’t need to talk about it.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Um, so, basically, Atticus Ashfield had a nice, nice, comfy radio career. You know, they’re chilling, they’re chilling. But then one day, they got a little too enthusiastic doing this bit about setting off fireworks in a library, and they did get arrested. ‘Cause people were like, “Oh, maybe—this doesn’t sound like someone doing a bit. This sounds like someone who’s planning to set off fireworks in the most treasured library on this planet.” So they were preemptively arrested.

Um, some more fun facts about them. I don’t actually remember what the thought process behind this was, but I’m gonna read it off the document. It says that they are a fish descendant, and they look like Gill from Monster High, but green and without the helmet.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

I don’t remember writing that, but I do think it’s important.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Uh-huh?

LUKA

So. Yeah.

VAL

Yeah. Alright, um.

LUKA

I guess we can go in a circle.

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Alright, um, what are the mandatory questions again?

LUKA

One of them has to be, “What are you willing to do to be captain?”, “How would we be better off if you led?”, or “What do we lose by not listening to you?”

VAL

Okay, I’ll go—I’ll go first. Um, what do we lose by not listening to you?

LUKA

Oh, should I respond in like, the weird voice I’m gonna do?

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Yes.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Yeah.

LUKA

Yeah, why not?

ATTICUS

[WITH AN ENERGETIC SPEAKING VOICE] Well I mean, honestly, probably not a whole lot, but I am charismatic, so you’ll lose a little bit of entertainment.

VAL

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] It sounds like Will Wood.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Thank you. I do my best.

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING] Okay, well, what happened to the orphans?

[LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

[IRRITATED] I did a good solid report on those, and no one needs to know what happened afterwards. What I do in my spare time is my business.

[LAUGHTER.]

JESSE

The blank stare.

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

Question, um, okay here we go- how am I supposed to— [SHE LAUGHS.] How am I supposed to follow that up?

Um, look, they just wanna know where the body’s buried. Can you please tell us?

[LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

The family wants to know.

ATTICUS

[OVERLAPPING] I just—hey, listen. I just told this other person that what I do in my spare time is my business, and they’re orphans! What family?

[LAUGHTER, CRIES?]

LAUREN

Okay!

VAL

We’ve already gotten into murder, and I don’t think that’s the best place to start—

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] We’ve already gotten into—

LUKA

Of course. It happens.

Okay, so that’s three questions. We’re gonna do two more.

VAL

Um, can you explain your whole fashion...thing, you have going on?

ATTICUS

Oh, I call this, um, revival of the 2014 Tumblr era from uh, Terran Society.

[LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] No.

VAL

So true.

ATTICUS

Do you like my shoelaces?

LAUREN & VAL

No.

ATTICUS

Why not?

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] I don’t— [SHE SIGHS.]

ATTICUS

Okay.

LUKA

One more.

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Jes, it’s on you.

JESSE

What do you have to say about the kin list scandal?

[LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

I don’t like being called an apologist, okay?

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

[CONT.] But if I see one more person—one more person—say that I— [THEN, IN A HUSHED TONE] That I kin from alpha-beta-omega fics, I’m going to snap.

[LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

It was a one-time thing.

[HORRIFIED BEAT OF SILENCE.]

VAL

We’ve set a precedent for the rest of this game, now.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING, STUTTERING] I—there’s so many layers here.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] So you have—I had, like, a quirky little radio host coming into this, but you have redefined their entire personality, which is exactly what I was hoping would happen.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Um.

LAUREN

Uh huh. Yeah.

LUKA

Okay, so. That was five, who wants to go next?

VAL

Um, Jes and Lauren, your characters are like connected, right?

LAUREN

Yeah.

LUKA

That’s about to get absolutely destroyed. [LAUGHTER]

VAL

Okay, I’ll go, I’ll go next then and then we can, we can do that in a bit, um. Right, okay. I’m gonna have to come up with a character voice on the spot, I should’ve thought of this in advance, but-

LUKA

Well, apparently mine was just Will Wood, so-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Uh huh.

VAL

I mean, radio host, Life in the World to Come, that’s fitting. Um anyways. Uh, my character’s name is Honey Comberbatch. Um-

LUKA

[STRAINED] Say it one more time?

VAL

Honey Comberbatch. It’s like Cumberbatch but it’s comb like honeycomb.

LUKA

Mmhmm.

VAL

Um- and basically to sum it up, um, when her and her wife got divorced, she was very upset about it and she knew her wife was a big advocate of Save the Bees because her wife was like a bee-hybrid-person kind of thing, it’s like- it’s a weird thing. Anyways- her wife was a big advocate of Save the Bees. It got lost in translation to “Legalize Bees.” And Honey- Honey Comberbatch got so enthusiastic about it that A: they were being a public disturbance, but the main thing they got arrested for was they burned down a honey shipment plant. Cause they thought they were freeing the bees from-from their labor, but no, they just- they just burnt down a bunch of trucks.

[LAUGHTER AND A FEW UNINTELLIGIBLE COMMENTS]

LAUREN

I love Bee Movie.

VAL

[LAUGHING] Yep. Yeah that’s basically what it is. Um. Woman gets divorced, um, burns down a honey shipment plant. Now she’s here.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] That’s what happens in Bee Movie last time I checked.

LUKA

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

Exactly.

LUKA

Um… Okay.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Alright. I think I am gonna have to go with the British accent for this character also cause Comberbatch- and Cumberbatch.

LUKA

Mhmm.

LAUREN

There’s a lot of Tumblr stuff happening um-

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] We have Benedict Cumberbatch-

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] It wasn’t intentional-

VAL

We have um, shoelaces.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

[STRAINED] Shoelaces?

LUKA

I have so many regrets already.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Certain things that are just unspeakable, um, you know.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] This was a great idea. Alright.

LUKA

Sooo, let’s just start with questions. Is it Jes? I don’t know, we don’t have to go in an order.

JESSE

Sorry my Wifi is so bad so you guys keep cutting out but- oh, okay, um. What would you be willing to do to become captain of the ship?

HONEY

I mean, we already know I’m experienced with fire, don’t we. I mean, I’m willing to do it again.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I also like that we’ve already set a precedent for two semi-arsonists in the crew. It’s very fun.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

The Daniel Jacobi kinnies: they did not come to play this time.

VAL

I don’t think Honey is a “semi-arsonist,” she burned down a honey shipment.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER]

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Atticus was going to be an arsonist and then they got arrested. Jacobi’s on Atticuss’s kin list actually. That was the scandal.

LAUREN

Hh… Oh.

VAL

That was the scandal.

LUKA

Okay, but I think Lauren you’re next?

LAUREN

Yeah I was gonna ask why you um threw the priceless wedding ring into the ocean.

LUKA

[IN THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TERRIBLE BRITISH ACCENT] Someone just finished watching an episode of Hannibal, I see.

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

I was thinking about Titanic and- but okay.

LUKA

Oh.

LAUREN

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] But I know which one you’re talking about.

[MORE LAUGHING]

HONEY

You know, after she left me, you know I was just… I was just so heartbroken, you know? I just- I just did it without thinking. I mean I tried to swim after it, I mean I regretted it of course, but you know. Then I ended up almost drowning and it was a whole thing. You know I’m good with fire, not water.

[BRIEF LAGHTER]

LUKA

Why is your hair that color?

HONEY

Sometimes, you know, interesting things happen when you do a home dye. Sometimes you’re hoping to get sort of, um, sort of a purple-pink ombre and instead you get more of a color that hasn’t been named yet and you think it’s from another planet. You know sometimes you order from a brand you never heard of, um, with no reviews, and sometimes it doesn’t turn out that well.

[LAUGHTER]

JESSE

Alright. Um. Who took the kids.

HONEY

[SADLY] She did.

LAUREN

Ahhhh.

HONEY

Been asking to see them for um, for a couple months now. But she always says they’re busy. Busy with school. Um, if you’re hearing this, please. I’ve been paying child support, I’ve been, just please. Next question.

LAUREN

So-

VAL

This is the last one, right?

LUKA

Yeah.

LAUREN

Mhmm. But the pressure’s on. Uh… I mean you hate to ask, but like the bee to humanoid makeup of the kids… has that been interfering in any way?

[LAUGHTER]

HONEY

I mean… Our- our kids have special needs, special dietary needs. You know, we make do. I mean, it’s pretty common on her home planet, so she knew what to do. Maybe that’s why she got the kids, I don’t know. [DEFENSIVE] I know how to do it too, I was there when they were born. I know how to feed them, just as well. Even if I don't have bee parts.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Ahh, man.

VAL

Anyways, I’m glad that’s over.

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] Okay so which of you wants to go first?

JESSE

Okay I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. So I’m playing Lord Jensen Jarvis Aloisias Augustine Maximillian Rupert Edmund Cedric von Marius Desmond Constantine Remington III.

LUKA

Okay what was the first name?

JESSE

Lord Jensen Jarvis Aloisias Augustine Maximillian Rupert Edmund Cedric.

[DEAD SILENCE]

LUKA

Jensen.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Lord. I’ll give you a ‘lord’.

JESSE

Um, and so-

LAUREN

I can’t say the words, I don’t wanna get copyrighted cause I was about to launch into like…

JESSE

Um, so I was a prince at this really big, you know, kingdom, but unfortunately my parents did kick me out, um, because I didn’t take my tea the way they like it, so. Um, they kicked me out and I became a pirate, uh, and you know it was all good you know being a pirate- everyone loves being a pirate- until I tried to uh pickpocket this beautiful woman and she had no money. And so we just kinda, we kept talking and you know one thing led to another and now we’ve been married about twenty-three times. And, um, the reason I’m here is because I want to break so many laws. And the specific reason this time was I was arrested for un-bounce-ifying all of the pickles in Con-nect-icut-26. Um, but the thing is they arrested me while I was doing acrobatics on a bike in Ill-noise-42. So, you know, uh, it is what it is. I try- I try my hardest.

LUKA

Mhmm.

VAL

Alright. So should I start again? Questions?

LUKA

Um, I dunno the order I think Lauren is next. Yes.

LAUREN

I’m just trying to remember what the question was that we haven’t had yet from the list?

LUKA

Uh, we haven’t had: How would we be better off if you led?

LAUREN

So how would we be better off if you led?

JENSEN

Um, well every- everybody wants a sexy captain.

[LAUREN LAUGHING]

JENSEN

You- advertisement. Advertisement. It’s all about advertisement these days. Monetization.

LUKA

Oh, yeah. Okay, um. So I noticed, uh, the way you said an interesting name. Could you pronounce- this is a terrible question but I just need to hear it so I’m gonna say it and I think it will say a lot about you as a person. How do you pronounce the phrase: O-H-I-O?

JENSEN

O-ee-o.

LUKA

Mhmm. Mm. Mhm. Okay. Good. Got it.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Stick the landing. Uh huh.

VAL

I like to think that like in the galaxy they’re from this is like a big- this is like our version of like “gif or jif.” Like it’s a big thing like everyone says it different.

LUKA

Well I’m thinking about how we’ve been making Cecil Palmer jokes about umm… throughout this recording.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Oh yeah.

LUKA

And very specifically, Jes chose to play a character who can’t say Connecticut. Which I think is really funny. Um, but anyways, moving right along.

VAL

What was the reason for your last divorce?

JENSEN

Well, you know, sometimes it- it’s very difficult to find a common ground when your wife can’t get past the fact that you like to drink Cherry Blossom Body Spray. Um, so.

[LAUGHTER AND HORRIFIED GASPS]

JENSEN

Things happen sometimes. It was very hard for both of us.

VAL

Mhmm. I imagine.

LAUREN

[STRAINED] Uh huh. [LAUGHTER] Um, why specifically, uh, Cherry Blossom body spray and have you managed to overcome that since remarrying?

JENSEN

No. Cherry Blossom body spray has a way of coating the throat- the orifices in a way- [LOSING IT SLIGHTLY] like no other. I do also, sometimes, drink Peach body spray and Cucumber perfume. It varies day to day.

LAUREN

Uh huh.

VAL

I see.

LUKA

Okay. [THEY CLEAR THEIR THROAT] Uh, I guess this is the last one. What is your favorite part about your hat?

JENSEN

Well, I really, I really enjoy the raccoons that live underneath it.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

You brought raccoons with you to prison because you stuffed them under your hat? They’ve just been chilling.

JENSEN

I can introduce you to them if you want.

LUKA

Oh, please! Please do.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING]Yes.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Please.

JENSEN

Alright. Well, um, this. This is an audio medium. This one is called Jeremy, and he really loves bodily fluids. Ah-.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Oh?

JENSEN

This one- this one is called Vivian and she really enjoys the movie Ratatouille made by Disney and Pixar.

LUKA

That’s an old one.

VAL

So true.

JENSEN

Yeah, and this one, um, is simply called, um, Wet and Wild PhotoFocus Concombre 3-in-1 Base Allure, um, and she-

[LAUGHTER]

JENSEN

She really enjoys, um, uh... reading me little bedtime stories. So those are my raccoons.

VAL

Cheers.

LAUREN

Cheers.

LUKA

[STRAINED] Alright, Lauren?

FRIDAY Alright, so, my name is Friday Jones, uh, and you might have already met my husband, uh, I just call him Jensen, he’s really got this long sort of name that nobody’s got the time to say. But, uh, little bit about me! I grew up on a livestock transport ship, a fairly large sort of thing, and I used to, like, ride the cows from and to end and it was like, just lil’ ol’ me! Bouncing along on the cows! And it was really a lot of fun. And it’s also sorta where I got my proficiency for firearms.

[CHUCKLES]

FRIDAY

So, uh, but you know, got to be a little bit of a nuisance on the ship, I don’t really know what happened, it was probably a mistake, but my family did leave me. On a farm planet. Uh, tender age of nine years old. Um…

VAL Damn.

FRIDAY And then, you know, uh, you gotta do what you gotta do to make money! As far as, uh, guns go, so, uh, you know… turned to maybe some activities that kinda may be a little bit violent. Maybe a little illegal. But, that is how I met- well, sort of, it’s how I… I met my husband, and, like you said, I kinda lost track, I believe it was 22 times we’ve been married? Something like that. And… I made the mistake of trying to break my husband out of prison, and got caught in the process, and then… there was a successful jailbreak, which I am mighty happy about.

LUKA

Mhm.

VAL

Cheers.

LUKA Alright!

[LAUGHTER]

JESSE

Sorry, I realized while you were reading that- that I read the wrong side of the bottle, and that there is an English side.

LUKA

Uh huh!

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

What do we lose by not listening to you?

FRIDAY

Whole lotta expertise with firearms, thats for starters. Um, I know a good thing or two about cows! So, I mean, you’re losing a lot of… cow knowledge.

LUKA

[IN AN EXAGGERATED NEW YORK/BOSTON ACCENT.] Well, we don’t wanna lose any cow knowledge, do we?

VAL

Shut the fuck up.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN Where was I? Cow knowledge? Okay.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING.] Uh. Cow knowledge.

FRIDAY

And a general sense of security and brain cells, I think.

LUKA

Well that’s a… that’s a quite rude implication, Ms. Jones!

[LAUGHER]

FRIDAY

[OVERLAPPING.] Didn’t say I was nice!

LUKA

[IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, okay. I’m turning into the….

LAUREN [OVERLAPPING.] I was like, I know who this is but the listeners do not.

LUKA

[STILL USING ACCENT.] Arthur’s joined the call. Arthur’s joined the call now. Alright.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL How come you never learned how to use a phone?

FRIDAY When you’re on a livestock ship, what do you need a phone for? You got cows! You got cows that you can ride from end to end of the ship! What- what- you need to waste your time, talking to people when you can just talk to cows! And then when you get on a farm planet, well, same thing, you’re talking to corn! You’re not talking to people on the phone! What do you need that for?! What do you need that for? And also they scare me but that’s- I’m not ready to get that vulnerable with y’all, you know?

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Hm.

JESSE [IN A BRITISH ACCENT.] Alright, who’s turn is it?

LUKA

Yours.

JESSE

[IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT.] Um. When were you planning on telling- darling, when were you planning on telling me about the superpowers?

[LAUGHTER.]

FRIDAY

Do you know how hard it is to manage new superpowers when you get to be a woman of my age that’s already established herself as a sort of crime… division, the other side of that? I was gonna tell you as soon as you stopped drinking that Cherry Blossom nonsense! All the time! Just drinking us outta house and home! So maybe you gotta give a little to get a little, Jensen.

JENSEN

Yes, darling.

LUKA

So I know you don’t like Cherry Blossom, but, like, what is your favorite flavor to drink?

FRIDAY

Unfortunately, my friend, I cannot “yes… and” you on that one. Um…

[LAUGHTER.]

FRIDAY

My new friend, uh, because, you know, one thing you gotta know about Friday: there’s a line! And drinking the Cherry Blossom whatever that is not supposed to go in your mouth or oraphaces is beyond that line. So I will not be partaking in that.

LUKA

[MIMICKING FRIDAY.] In that sinful drink.

FRIDAY That’s devil’s brew! I’m convinced!

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Alright…

LUKA Not the devil’s brew.

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Alright, last question.

LUKA

Yee.

VAL

What happened to the family cat? FRIDAY

I… uh… Wh- when you get left on a farm planet with a cat that has never been on solid ground, and you are nine years old, and also you know, you you got to make a little bit of mon-

You sell the cat. I do regret it, every day, because then I didn’t have any friends.

[LAUGHTER]

FRIDAY (CONT’D)

Um, but… it’s okay. So there was a transaction, probably the last legal one of my entire life, where I sold the cat to a very nice family who needed a milk supply for the winter.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Don’t you live on a cow farm?

FRIDAY This was after the cow- this was after the cows! This was after- I wish!

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Okay. Got it.

FRIDAY

You know, you can milk a cat too, you can milk anything you try hard enough.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I see! Alright, so, I feel that we are well introduced.

VAL

Uh-huh.

LUKA

So, next questions we answer together.

JESSE

Okay.

LUKA

We gotta bounce ideas off each other, and we’re gonna be designing our ship.

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING] Amazing. LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Okay.

LUKA

So, number one: how is our vessel unique?

VAL

Hmm. LAUREN

I always think it’s really cool when spaceships have, like, cloaking devices, or stuff, and stuff like that, in sci-fi.

LUKA

I was gonna say it’s transparent.

LAUREN

Ooh! Same brain.

LUKA

Combo that.

LAUREN

Yes.

LUKA

It’s like a glass house. [LAUGHING} You can just see everything that’s inside.

[VARIOUS LAUGHTER AND UNINTELLIGIBLE REACTIONS]

JESSE

Oh, oh my god, Friday, are you Wonder Woman? Is this your invisible jet?

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

[LAUGHS] O- [STUTTERING] Okay. Can I, um-

LUKA

What if- do we- what if we think it has a cloaking device, but it’s just made of transparent material.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING AT THE START] It’s the complete opposite. [STUTTERING] You can see directly into the ship. Um, maybe it’s some sort of, like, um, we think it’s like a two-way mirror scenario, whatever those are called. We think cause we can see out everywhere, and we think that it’s like a mirror on the other side that like reflects the void of space, so we’re completely cloaked- No. It’s just a glass ship.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

[CHANTING] Glass ship! Glass ship!

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING AND CHANTING] Glass ship!

LUKA

Now I really like this next question, I think you’re gonna like it too. How is it quirky or temperamental? VAL

I mean, we were just talking about 2014 Tumblr.

LAUREN

Oh no.

VAL

I do-

JESSE

We stole it from the President.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Yes.

VAL

I was gonna say, I think that the corners of the ship are in fact sorted based off of 2014 Tumblr fandoms.

LUKA

And that also ties into temperamental.

LAUREN

Yeah.

LUKA

I think.

LAUREN

Oh, yeah, definitely. Um, I do also like it being stolen from the President because I think if we’re gonna go- If we’re gonna get in the wayback machine we might as well just commit to it.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

Yeah. Okay, so this next question is basically what’s going to be [IN A SLIGHTLY GERMAN ACCENT] driving ze plot. Not to… I don’t know why I did that.

[LAUGHTER]

JESSE

[IN A BRITISH ACCENT] Felix Couvillion.

LUKA

[IN A GERMAN ACCENT] Felix Couvillion joining ze crew for today.

[THEY RESUME THEIR NATURAL ACCENT] Um-

VAL

Cheers.

LUKA

What does it lack that we need?

LAUREN

Ummm….

VAL

A sense of family.

[LAUREN SIGHS ADORINGLY]

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

You know what this ship needs? It’s some love.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Okay. Mhm. Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

Maybe the real ship parts was the friends we made along the way.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] The ship is powered by love. VAL

Yes.

LAUREN

And it’s about to fall out of the sky-

VAL

Yep.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA Okay! Well the note that I had that was gonna drive the plot was that the engine was breaking, but I think that’s a metaphor for these bonds that our characters have, that are just- they’re being torn apart. They’ve gotta fix this family one way or another.

VAL

Yeah, no, the friendship dies, the ship dies.

LUKA

Okay, so, I think that’s pretty solid! So now we have to answer some individual questions on the ship. There’s two, they’re- I’ll ask them to each of you. I can start, if we want. So, first one is: how is the vessel home? Well, I think Atticus, as, um, someone who has built their image in 2014 Tumblr walked onto this skip and was like ‘Ah, finally. This is it.’

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

This is the Tumblr, like, island that people would post about back in the day.

LUKA

Yep.

VAL

This is what it’s like.

LUKA

Um, and the other question is: where do you find sanctuary in it? I think Atticus lives wherever the Superwholock corner is.

VAL

That’s what I was gonna say.

LAUREN I was gonna suggest the ball pit? [LAUGHTER]

LUKA Oh, no, you’re right! Atticus finds sanctuary in the ball pit! LAUREN [OVERLAPPING] I don’t want to like, push in on your thing, but-

LUKA

No, no, no, you’re right. I think the ball pit is like, right next door, to the Superwholock corner.

[VARIOUS UNINTELLIGIBLE REACTIONS]

LUKA (CONT’D) I think maybe the Superwholock corner is the bridge, and then there’s like, the ball pit is like, in the bridge-

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING PROTESTS] The ball pit is the bathroom.

LAUREN

[STRAINED] Do not! [LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Why did you have to do that to me?

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA (CONT’D) When you go in the bridge, Atticus, um, asks you if you have an extra hour in the ball pit.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA (CONT’D) So I guess who wants to go next?

[VARIOUS UNSURE SOUNDS] JESSE

Um, I can go?

LUKA

[IN A BRITISH ACCENT] Alright, alright, alright, Lord Jensen. How is the vessel home?

JENSEN

Well, it’s home to me, because, um, my raccoons are here.

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I think the raccoons like the ball pit, probably. JESSE

Yep.

LUKA

Um, where do you find sanctuary in it?

JENSEN

I really like, um, [STUTTERING] The forbidden section of the ship that has Danganronpa discourse posts. [LAUGHTER]

[VARIOUS REACTIONS OF DISGUST AND DISAPPROVAL]

JENSEN (CONT’D)

Uh, but also I spend a lot of time in the dark academia section as well.

LAUREN

Uh… I…

LUKA

So true.

LAUREN

[STUTTERING] Okay, yeah, uh, uh-huh.

LUKA

Alright, [STUTTERING] Honey or Friday? Who’s next? VAL

Um, I’m trying to remember every Tumblr subculture that exists cause all my brain is giving me is Homestuck and I’m not doing that.

LUKA

Yeah, who’s taking on the Homestuck burden? [LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

I know nothing of this media [STUTTERING], so I probably shouldn’t.

LUKA

[STRAINED] I unfortunately do.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA (CONT’D)

Can we cut that out?

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] Can we cut out the admission of guilt in there?

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER, STUTTERING] So, I guess, uh, Honey, how is the vessel home?

HONEY

You know, after… after the divorce, I was kind of a wanderer, um, you know, I really didn’t have anywhere to go, I was just kind of drifted from planet to planet, and this is the first vessel I’ve been on that really- that really feels like, you know, I could settle down in here, take off my boots, you know, have a nice warm cup of, um, tea, without honey, because you know those bees are overworked as shit.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

The bees need to unionize.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] Where do you find sanctuary in it?

VAL

So… so I do think Honey finds sanctuary, in the, um, in the- [STUTTERING] I did the first half in character, I could probably do the second half.

HONEY

You know, um, I actually quite like the, um, the Welcome to Night Vale, um, little- little like, communications room. Just because, you know, they have all- I like, I like all the characters, um… [PURPOSEFULLY MISPRONOUNCED WITH A HARD C] C-Ceecil? And- and Carlos and I just think of what could have been, you know?

[ASSORTED MHMMS FROM THE OTHERS]

LUKA

Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Cheers.

LUKA

Um, Friday. How is the vessel home?

FRIDAY

Well, um, vessel’s a lot homier than being an orphan on a planet ya don’t know. Um, and I like it because it’s about as big as- it’s home because it’s about as big as the one that I spent the beginning of my life on, so I can like close my eyes and kinda imagine that maybe there’s some cows or something like that.

LUKA

Mhmm. Where do you find sanctuary in it?

LAUREN

Um, that would be uh, the gun range.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] And that’s the Homestuck one.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I don’t know why we said the ball pit was the bathroom when Homestuck Sharpie Bath was right there.

[MORE LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

There is… guys…

LUKA

Okay, well.

LAUREN

That was great, I have to be going now.

[EVEN MORE LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Okay, well. We are done with our questions.

VAL

Are we starting the game now?

LUKA

We are starting the game now.

VAL

Alright.

LAUREN

[WHISPERED] Alright.

VAL

Tune in next for part two, which, unfortunately, has more Tumblr jokes.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

#heart of ether transcripts

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