#some people like to come up with harmful levels of sad stuff

[eternal-moss]

Christ, the whole Wilbur situation is so fucked. Already the things that are coming out of the woodworks so quickly are so sad.

tw for abuse and misogyny. If you aren’t aware of this yet, Wilbur Soot has been revealed as a prolific abuser

My heart breaks for all the people he’s harmed. I think Shelby was really intelligent in the way that she’s brought this to attention, without naming him. This meant that even though some people denied it or lashed back at her, the repercussions were minimised.

Wilbur responding proved it was him she was talking about, although the details she provided made it so patently clear it was him from the start, it made it so that he had to admit he was the one who had been committing essentially serial abuse on young women by the nature of him responding to the description of the unnamed abuser, although he didn’t mention that it was *multiple women* in his absolutely pathetic excuse of an ‘apology’.

I’ve been thinking about this deeply from pretty much directly the moment after Shubble revealed it really. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever watched any of Shubble’s stuff, and I’ve not watched streamers for a couple of years now, but the courage she had to do this is fucking immense. Wilbur is very well off financially with a massive and loyal fanbase, the influence he has is very large and not to be underestimated. His ‘apology’ reeks of PR pressure, although it fails to meet the mark on all levels of even a basic apology (which is not even the bare minimum in this situation) and omits some very important details.

It’s so sad that abuse and grooming is so common amongst streamers/YouTubers, but the response to this time (from the community) being genuine support instead of victim blaming does make me feel hopeful. Wilbur’s condescension of women and younger ccs is absolutely disgusting. This recontextualises so many moments when he’s been dismissive of and made jokes at women’s expense. What he’s done is abuse and it’s misogyny. He’s picked on people he knows are less able to fight back from all parameters. Misogyny is massive in the gaming scene, and he’s relied on all these women (it really is a lot at this rate, even an ex-trumpeter from Lovejoy) staying silent out of fear.

Shubble saying keeping their silence protected him more than it protected her is very true, and this will absolutely wreck his reputation. Rather, he’s fucked it up himself, and there really is no one else to blame in this situation. The people who knew about it and were subject to this were typically smaller, younger or female streamers. It’s disgusting that he had relied on their silence for so long.

This is a bit of a mess, but ngl so am I. It’s been eating at me for as long as it’s been going on, I found out almost immediately. I was quite a big Wilbur fan for a damn long time, since his early days of streaming (when skyblock randomiser was made etc). I was emotionally invested in his original music and looked up to him a lot.

The worst thing I think is that I resonated with his online interactions with Tommy (which makes me feel vile), and his adoration of Wilbur, always calling him ‘like a big brother’, and it fondly reminded me of me and my younger sibling. Except Wilbur would sometimes do some unexpectedly cruel things. Like stomping on Tommy’s hand and causing it to bleed. That alarmed me at the time, also when he revealed that he was relying on Tommy to talk him out of suicide, which really made me concerned about how healthy their relationship was. The worst thing is, this didn’t surprise me that much at all when it was revealed. Shelby’s descriptions could fit no other person, and it made sense and lined up with his past behaviour, but that doesn’t make it any less wholly awful and horrific.

I wasn’t going to talk about it on this blog, but I just feel angry. Angry for all these people he’s hurt. Angry that he’ll still be living comfortably off of his fanbase for years to come, young people who trusted and idolised him, the vast majority young girls themselves. Angry for Shubble, angry for Niki, angry for the women’s names we don’t know yet, angry for those who had been intimidated into silence. Angry for those who had been abused and brutalised by him. The main thing that’s coming up again and again is the biting, the bruising, the physical abuse, the way they were scared into saying anything, left traumatised by the way they’d been treated. As if that could be brushed off in any way by some disgustingly shallow and self-centred attempt at self preservation of his reputation. Fuck off.

Like Aimsey said, this isn’t some light cancellation from Twitter, these are reprehensible serial misogynistic crimes, and it’s only been days since the initial reveal and hours since his response and the influx of victims speaking up. My heart breaks to know how much more is going to be unearthed.

So yeah this is basically it, I treat this blog mainly as an archive for fan creations of things I like, but also as a collection of my thoughts. I have been unable to stop thinking about this, and I know that I’ve barely talked about mcyt on here, but I was heavily into dsmp and streamers for a long time. Shubble is insanely bloody brave for doing this, I wish them all the best (and the other victims) in recovering from his behaviour, as well as applauding her for the sheer fucking bravery to make the decision to speak up.

***I’ve seen some people saying Shubble uses they/them pronouns, but most people I’ve seen refer to her with she/her. If I find out she doesn’t use she/her I’ll change this post < Shelby uses she/they

[chebyshevptera]

YANMA!!!!

Tell me more about Lloyd in your destinyswap au and my life…. Is yours

(No pressure)

HEHAHDJAGA hi rusty!! Sure thing!!

here tha baby : ) ❤️ ramble under cut

destinyswap Lloyd had a good childhood with both of his parents present, a mom with a well paying job to provide him with whatever he desired , and his dad who helped train him to be a strong and capable fighter . he grew up knowing all there was to know of prophecies and elements and things alike

ds Lloyd wasn’t RAISED to be discouraged from his dragon or oni heritage , so , at this point , lloyd has essentially mastered both forms (we’ll get to this some other day though…) . he also knows spinjitzu before the ninja team is formed , and he actually gives them excitable advice on how to use it (resulting in kai being the first one out of the other four at the time!)

a lot of his issues come from the fact that he had to watch his uncle succumb to darkness . Lloyd has always loved Wu , and the thought of losing his uncle forever haunts him more than he likes to admit . Wu was genuinely an amazing additional guardian to him , which adds to the hurt , because Lloyd sees his uncle acting in horrific ways and slowly fails to recognize him.

that aside though ……i love ds lloyd . In destinyswap , he is still mischievous and snarky and likes to pull pranks , but he’s never unnecessarily cruel , and he loves to help people . He is a pacifist , thanks to his father’s teachings , and mostly fights with the intent to disarm or stun his opponent , rarely hurt , and never killl . Although he loves broadswords , he , once again , has learned to use them in less harmful ways . He just likes the chunky swords. He would probably be a claymore user in genshin

Despite his element easily being dangerous , Lloyd uses it to help , or at least in controlled ways . he even knows how to singe wounds with his fire to prevent extra damage . when Nya or any of his other friends are sad, Lloyd uses his element to warm himself up to a comfortable level and then hugs them as a form of comfort . He uses it to relieve muscle cramps from his friends (and even his opponents) sometimes too . He’s a really sweet kid

idk what else to put for analysis / lore so here’s some canon stuff about him for destinyswap :)

- when he first met Jay, Lloyd pestered him about Starfarer knowledge because he was so excited to meet someone who knew THE Cliff Gordon . In fact … that’s the only reason he even knew who Jay was

- he still has a big sweet tooth , but it’s even worse in ds . He whines when he has to eat something that isn’t drowning in sugar, and the drinks he orders are so sweet that it grosses Kai out

- he really wants to dye a streak of his hair green, like Morro’s , but hasn’t known how to bring it up

- he’s great at math , but hates it . Jay’s ranting about measurements can put him to sleep

- he stuffs tiny creatures into his pockets (safely, carefully) and tries to bring them back to the temple . Garmadon always catches him because he tends to stumble as he walks , because he’s staring at the little animal in his pocket

- he has never ordered the same ice cream flavor twice , but that’ll change once he “tries every flavor and decides which is the best”

- he has a big comic book collection , still ongoing

- when he was younger , he used to tighten his belt too tight and then complained about it during training before his father figured out what the problem was

- I said this before, but sometimes , he speaks like an old person . can’t really blame him though

- he climbs into someone else’s bed almost every night , and since he’s so small, they usually don’t notice until the morning

[hyperactivewhore]

Hi! I just like binge read all of your tvd post and I adore them, I feel like you talk about the Mikaelson the way I feel about them, like I love the characters but they ARE awful and it causes this very push and pull with the way I view them and I'm ngl the fandom doesn't help when I'm trying to acknowledge the pit falls of the characters. that and I can't articulate the way I view characters well and I just really appreciate how multi dimensionally you view them because it really refreshing to see some one put it into words in a way I can't.

I don't know if this is the kind of thing you do or anything but I was wondering if I could ask you your opinion on Kai Parker? I feel like I view him the way I do Klaus and kol in sense. Like obviously he's a bad person but I feel like the level of fucked up he is and why hes that level of fucked up makes him a really interesting and enjoyable character for me, and it's kinda hard for me to say this because I Adore Bonnie Bennett. I personally don't believe liking one character cancels out the liking another but seeing how the fandom acts about it especially how many people will stand by Kia entirely and make Bonnie out to be this monster (because they're racist weirdos point blank.) makes it harder for me to feel comfortable voicing my intrestest in him as a character. Now I do think a lot of factors played into Kai becoming who he is and I can understand why people would empathize with him but I don't think it justifys how weird they are to Bonnie, yk? Idk this wasn't about Bonnie I got carried away but yeah I'd love your option about Kia Parker if you have one. I also understand entirely if you don't like him obviously everyone's entitled to there opinion and he did kill his siblings and stuff, but I'd love to hear your opinion on him regardless if your interested,that is. have a good day/night :)

Hello, love! I'm really glad you do, and I definitely agree. This fandom is very, very strict in which characters you can like and which ones you cannot. It's exhausting, to be honest.

I definitely like Kai, he was the only thing that kept my attention glued to the screen after the Originals left and he made the plot more entertaining. He was funny, downright evil and enjoyable to watch, but he was, at least for me, a very obvious mix between all the main villains/antagonists (Klaus, Damon, Kol, Katherine), and the writers clearly intended for their audience to see him as irredeemable, and this is of course tied to the fact there were no available women to beacon him into "becoming a better person". Bonnie was around, but for obvious reasons she could never be that woman, though the writers certainly played around bonkai, having Kai have a clear interest in her even after she wasn't the key to make him escape his prison world.

I definitely think Kai had a rough childhood and did not deserve to be isolated, though that obviously doesn't excuse what he did to his siblings, but that's what makes him a good character in my eyes. He was a good antagonist but an awful evil person, the circumstances surrounding why he became that person are tragic and sad, and that's okay, because that's in my opinion exactly what a character like Kai should be. And no, that doesn't excuse what he did to his family either, before anyone thinks that's what I was implying.

Though I do not understand why Kai gets so much hate over the whole "killing children" as if the Mikaelson or the Salvatore had gone through centuries of their lives without harming a single child (Klaus ordered to have his unborn daughter killed, for god's sake), and it's really funny how bonkai is portrayed as this top awful abusive couple when every single ship in tvd is. I definitely get the appeal of Bonnie and Kai, the only thing that prevents me from shipping them is the fact she nearly killed herself because of him, there are a few lines I won't cross when it comes to shipping, sa/rape and suicide are on that list, but people need to stop acting like they're worse than the other more popular couples.

To summarize it, I like Kai a lot, I understand why some other people don't (I do, really!), but nothing justifies what he put his family and Bonnie through.

Thanks for the ask, darling. You have a good day/night too!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary608

6/1-2/25

sunday - monday

very nice day.

spent all of it with our friend, we went to lunch and then we grocery shopped, she told us that she wanted to go to the mall, so we did after dropping stuff off, and then we spent a while in the mall, which was stressful w/ my gf's mom but this time it was nice. i guess that's not so interesting to think about, but i guess generally it is interesting to think about the ways places change when you're with different people. today at the grocery store, it was much more pleasant. i feel like when i'm with my gf's mom, i am rushing, i don't really wanna be in the store that long, and i'm naturally like that i guess, or, naturally i want to be efficient / have a plan in the grocery store, i don't wanna waste time. but if i am enjoying myself or feeling like i'm not wasting my time or incurring time with someone who is stressful to be around, then i don't feel so rushed. which made the place feel more, i dunno, i was more present in it. which, it's a grocery store, there isn't a lot to see. it was nice though, maybe it's just the newness of grocery shopping with friends. i never thought that's something people could or would do, for some reason, even though it makes a lot of sense. it seemed like a family only thing, if with anyone at all.

i saw this at lunch:

i like how the ucc lid pleads with you.

my gf and she got melon soda floats, also, i took this scary photo of that:

oh, an update about my friend, from yesterday, she has immediately gone back to being herself, instead of the thing she seemed like she was about to do, which would probably amounted to an abstract form of self-harm, for her. so it's good news.

after the mall we went to shanghai plaza, which we go to a lot lately. it's where everyone goes. it's so popular and busy. honestly a bit annoying to go there, too crowded. i got an onigiri-ish thing, okinawan style onigiri, which is seaweed+rice in a more sandwich-ish configuration, than a wrapping around a rice ball. it has spam in it, and a rectangular omelet. i've had it before i really like it, spam is such an incredible invention... spam in anything soy sauce derived is among the best flavors to exist. i learned today our friend really hates anything from the ocean, as food, she was like, can i get it without seaweed, but it just would not work at all. even in a bowl it'd just sort of suck. seaweed is like a perfect food object. after that we wandered around, listless. we went to the kpop store.

our friend kept saying this woman scared her, because of how white she is. it's insane how they do the makeup for kpop stars.

recently we got news that we're going to go to san francisco, which is exciting, my gf asked our friend if she wanted to come, and it looks like we'll all be driving there together. which seems fun. i'm a little split about it, though, i guess i just worry on some level about having time to myself or being made to do things i don't want to do or whatever. i dunno, it makes no sense. really i think i just want to, at some point, walk around alone in a new place and listen to music. that's just a way to get to know a place, it ends up giving me a lot of thoughts. i would like to do that, when somewhere new, more. i really really liked doing it in japan, being alone sometimes is just nice. the sad thing about the trip is it's gonna fall at the same time the anime con's going on here, so we'll miss that. i guess out of some stupid sort of sadness for missing that, i want to spend time in japan town in sf, and see what there is to see there. i want to see like second hand shops and if any place sells like weird old anime stuff... at one con here, i got a gregory horror show dvd, that's crazy, i want to find more stuff like that. i don't think there's any weird colector mania over old anime dvds, or, last i checked, years ago, this would be in like, gosh, 2017? 18? i got a lain boxset for maybe a dumb price but looking at ebay lol i got it for 2/3rds the price compared against some of the cheapest, 80 bucks is stupid money to spend on something like that but like, golly, some people are trying to sell this for 400, and the cheapest i've seen so far is like 120. ridiculous. this is like when i got drakengard for 40 dollars or something, and silent hill 3 + its ost for 60. this is all super funny because, honestly, i don't even care for lain that much. i got it at the time because i loved it but the show's grown off me. but i don't think i'd ever sell it. it's a bit scuffed, the box, and the art's really nice. all that aside, i'd like to find stuff i like, is all, or something cute looking, anything, really. idk what i'd look out for. also clothes, and also like, music. i want to see if i could find a number girl cd or something. maybe even just like, when i was in japan i got shoujo art postcards, they're by my desk and i look at them frequently, stuff like that too. apparently they have a baby the stars shine bright store there too, which i'll never be able to get anything from but i do quite like looking around.

stupid consumerist fantasies aside, i'm sure i'll like being there.

here is what i looked like today:

i watched this, when i got home:

i want to see more toku stuff, and suehiro maruo i think referenced this w/ new national kid, so i guess that urges me towards this. i just find a lot of the stuff going on here really pleasant to look at, the ufos and costumes, everything becomes more emotional the less believable it is. all believability really seems to do is make it easier to absorb, for people, like i haven't seen those new dune movies which are cgi'd to hell it seems but the 'immersion' that enables seems less like... i dunno, in this i think the concerns it has are immediate, nuclear stuff, how people treat one another, the utterly strange body snatcher-ish behavior of the aliens, and what goodness might be (an utter strangeness, at some point, as if didactically speaking to the audience a boy tells his two friends to quit knocking off their other friend for being a girl, and that it doesn't change her relation to them at all, maybe it's like goofy, to think anything of that, still, i found it shocking that it so sternly suggested it is ugly and awful to hate women, or accept that way of thinking), it all pretty quickly exits the screen and you can think about it in your life, and then this strange costumed man fighting these other totally insane looking costumed men becomes a weird expression of every anxiety you might have, living in that time, or really, in the time that's been born via that period, in newer stuff it seems like it gets you absorbed in a drama and plot that happens at the level of like, characters and a 'world,' that's more distant, it's a thing, it's a property you go to, to not be here, if that makes sense. but i like being here and dealing with here and thinking about here and feeling here more than i like the idea of being totally absorbed into a different world, and i get that there's plenty stuff like the new dune or whatever probably does to get at ongoing things, it just always comes off as like, gesturing at the idea of what art can be. i'm sure it sounds unfair to talk about something i haven't seen but i'm just trying to get at what a lot of new sci fi comes off as to me.

ultraman, the bits i saw of it, first few episodes and then it became stupidly difficult to find anywhere to watch and i am probably not in the market to download that much stuff onto my computer, was much more emotional and strange to me, but there's something really affecting to me about these surreal figments wandering around and play-fighting eachother, ultraman's jesus thing also made me feel a lot. there's just an immediate sense these are objects of imagination stemming from broader conversations in the world, for that, they are rough and bizarre, like any thought ever is, rarely is anything communicated in a pristine way. pristine meaning, i don't know, it could stand on its own, it is self-contained, it has nothing of anything else, or what anything else it contains, it is clear enough with that to make it all make sense. i suppose what i like is a sort of non-sense. i suppose this is obvious.

no drawing, no writing done today. maybe i'll like go in last minute just to move my hands around but idk. i need to sleep soon. i'm ready to sleep. did work on music, getting more confident about the stuff i've got laying around, too. so happy about that. plus i'm thinking, for a few songs, are there any places i could stick some tempo shifts, very subtle ones or maybe more overt, to make things more exciting, or not exciting so much as to lean into a feeling some moments already seem to have, or where those moments might need to be, i think that might also help me with vocals, but it would make recording a pain because i'd need to make sure i copy over the automation i do on the tempo so the click is consistent. might go hard to speed up and then do a little drag over bars of blastbeats. that could be so cool actually. just anything subtle to help the songs breath a bit more. the drums are already off grid so this might just create more wiggly-ness to help vocals not have to be perfect. i notice a lot on the hardcore stuff i like, and emoviolence stuff, it's not really like the screaming hits a particular groove, it just kind of happens and feels tethered to the song by some kind of broader notion of force.

and:

i mean both are certainly in time but it's also definitely loose. sometimes i feel a bit like i have to be perfect, and when i listen, it helps to be really close, so maybe this could help with the needing to be right on feeling i get.

this song came on after the last one and i was like, i forget how arresting that guitar line at the start is. some of the most perfect guitar mangling ever though of. i love usurp synapse so much.

mukai also, i guess is a bit loose, i'm just posting it cuz i luv it though.

i'm a brutal man...

i love how the guitar on the right at points is so thrashy it just turns into this hissing paper shredder sound. that is such a beautiful thing, that guitars can do. it makes me want to jump around so stupidly and throw myself into things.

i also took my camera out today, so i'll have some stuff from today to look through to take screenshots of. plus some other stuff on the other side of the disc.

it is late now though, and i'm ready to sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yakuzabrainrotlive]

Time for me to ramble about the ♡ ~rooftop conversation~ ♡ scene this time. Big ouchie hours incoming. What a rollercoaster of emotions this scene was; not even exaggerating when I say it's one of my favourite scenes in all the games now.

This post shouldn't be nearly as long as the shack scene post, at least!

//edit: I'm a filthy liar, this is a horrifically long post. Oops. I probably over-analyzed parts and ended up making myself sad for no reason, but that's showbiz, baby!

TL;DR would be... god bless Ichiban and the rest of the team, Kiryu needs to complete the 'Old Man Please Go To Therapy' challenge, and I need to complete the 'Genuinely Get Some Help' challenge.

Kiryu. Even though I know it's futile, I'm once again asking you not to blame yourself for literally EVERYTHING bad that's ever happened.

Kiryu has come such a long way in terms of reconciling with his past during the game, but I suppose it'd be a tall order to take at least some of the guilt off his shoulders. It's breaks my heart how Kiryu feels like him taking the path he wants to take is something he has to make amends for if there's any sort of negative consequence for anyone. That if he can even remotely fix something, he HAS to do it, or he's a selfish person. Oh, it'd require him to give up people and thing he loves and for him to be miserable? Well, that's too damn bad!

God forbid you ever want to do anything, Kiryu. How dare you want to LIVE and be happy? How could you take in Haruka and want to raise her in a safe environment instead of remaining as the Tojo chairman and being absolutely MISERABLE for the rest of your life, trying to fix the individual lives of all the 30 000+ men in the clan? The AUDACITY on this man...

Okay, I do understand feeling obligated to take action if you have the power to change things for the better. I get wanting to do good by everyone. But with Kiryu it's all at such an unhealthy and self-destructive level that I can't handle it. The end of Yakuza 6 is pretty much the peak of it. He condemns himself to a life of isolation, away from everyone he knows. He does this knowing full well that he won't see his grandson grow up or even just feel the warmth and comfort of being a part of a family and having a place to belong. All because he feels like his presence MIGHT have negative consequences at some point in the future. He's already blaming himself for stuff that hasn't even happened.

I could go on a rant about how Kiryu's mindset is selfish and inherently harmful to the people around him as well (absolutely not on purpose!), but... this post would become a video essay script. Let's just say... I've seen someone use the term "selfishly selfless" about Kiryu, and I find it very fitting. God, I love how complex this man is. He makes me wanna hug him tight, but I also want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him to the point that he gets Shaken Baby Syndrome at nearly 60 years of age.

Hmmmmmm...

I honestly don't know what to think here. On one hand I trust Kiryu's "It's a deal" about as much as I'd trust Mine to run an orphanage. Kiryu tends to be a man who honors his promises, but... When it's a promise to like... be careful or that he'll be fine, there tends to be... slip-ups. I'm not saying that Kiryu is just excitedly rushing to die asap, I'm just not sure if he'll truly fight to live if he now comes across a situation where he sees his death being benefitial for, say, making Ebina take a chill pill.

I could maybe see Kiryu thinking along the lines of "Ebina is very angry about how the old ways of the Yakuza fucked him and his mom's lives over. I didn't stay as chairman so I technically chose not to change things for the better. If I tell Ebina about this and killing me will temper his wrath to the point that it gets him off the edge of no return, maybe I'll let him do it. I'm dying anyway". BUT. I'm not too sure about this line of thinking at all.

In the shack scene Kiryu seems (to me) very... "this has to be done" about dying and dragging the sins of the past down with him for a new era to be able to begin. He literally says his death will actually be worth a damn when it happends... jfc.

But then we have the Life Links and how, for example, in the description of Akiyama's life link he thinks/says "...there's no way I'm going to shrivel up and succumb to death now". BUT we also have memoirs where he seems to be totally accepting of the thought of leaving this earth within the very near future, and he's just fondly reminiscing about people and events at the end of life. I'm honestly having a hard time getting a read on how he feels about this whole situation. Before this convo I was of the mind that he's team "I will probably die, but I also might not. Will be fucking around and finding out".

But now. This conversation Ichi happened. If Ichiban is good at one thing specifically, it's that he's very adept at getting through to people; even the ones ones deemed too far gone. He (subconscously) just pulls just the right stringst in people's hearts. An immovable object has met a fellow immovable object. This might have been a frustrating standstill, but Kiryu isn't just facing Ichiban's pleas to keep living. The entire team has been showing him love and expressed their wishes to spend more time with Kiryu. They've been slowly digging through all those feelings of worthlessness and guilt and making him see, even if just minutely, that he deserves to do things he loves without guilt. That he doesn't have to be all stoic, tough and useful to them in someway to be accepted. They want Kiryu with them, in all of his silly, stubborn, awkward, funny, kind and gentle glory. The team has seen the real Kiryu and they cherish him for it.

:)

SO. What do I think? I want to believe that Ichiban got through to him and now Kiryu won't try to toss his life away. I really want Kiryu to finally have realized how important he is to everyone. I NEED him to know people genuinely want him around. All of him.

I like how Ichiban maneuvered this specific part of the conversation. He gave Kiryu his word that he would fight for the future of the Yakuza members currently without a place to go. When Kiryu heard this, he had this look of sheer relief on his face. He knows everything's in safe hands now, so he doesn't have to worry in his last moments just in case things go south.

BUT. Ichiban makes Kiryu give his word that he'll fight for his life. He tells Kiryu that he will need help in the aftermath of everything. Kiryu has been drifting and looking for a purpose to fight for from Gaiden to this game. He wanted to do important work until he no longer could; he wanted to do as much good as he can with his life. Ichiban basically gave Kiryu another purpose to keep working towards. I'm absolutely sure Ichi did mean it 100% genuinely, I'm not trying to imply that Ichiban manipulated Kiryu here. I just like the fact that Ichiban made it clearly known that he wants and needs Kiryu's help, and he probably knew it was exactly what Kiryu needed to hear. Ichiban's EQ deserves way more credit!

The moment I saw Kiryu make that... haunted face again, I became distressed jojfojofejjej 😭 The specific expression was only there for a split second, but he also spoke in that same calm, soft but also kind of sad tone of voice, and it's just OUGHH AUGHH. He's smiling, but the sadness in his eyes makes it look more wistful than anything. Also; the way Kiryu kind of... closed his eyes for a bit before this, like he was contemplating whether revealing this tidbit about himself would be worth it, was interesting. Would he REALLY open this specific can of worms right now, with Ichiban? And he went for it, which I'm happy about! I don't think he's really talked about this aspect of his life post-Kiwami besides the little bit with Hanawa at the end of Gaiden? Even if it wasn't even close to a whole lore dump of everything, I'm glad he brought it up.

In general I love that Kiryu started up some playful of banter with Ichiban. It felt almost eerily like I was looking at Kiryu from Yakuza 0 interacting with Nishiki. Made me smile and kind of tear up because it just felt so nostalgic.

Watching Kiryu's face and body language rapidly shift as memories flooded into his mind sure was an experience. He was just chuckling 5 seconds ago and now he's looking up at the sky with this expression of yearning, nostalgia and grief on his face. That AND the tone of the background music also shifting abruptly really made this hit hard. I'm miserable about the fact that Kiryu is still hurting this much DECADES after everything went down. It's understandable, but DAMN, I just want him to be happy! ;-;

Ichiban suddenly having a revelation about not actuall having told Saeko he loves her... oh lord. Well, at least he knows his next steps now!

But yeah... RGG Studios please complete the 'Let Kiryu Reclaim His Name and Live Out His Retirement Years in Okinawa Spoiling Haruto' challenge STAT

[rainofaugustsith]

That post where someone used AI to finish Keith Haring's final piece, "unfinished painting," really, really got me like a punch in the gut. Maybe it's because I was a wee thing during the AIDS epidemic and grew up wearing a red ribbon on my coat. Maybe it's because I knew people personally affected by AIDS. Maybe it's because the deaths of people like Keith Haring, Ryan White, Ariel Glaser and Freddie Mercury from AIDS stayed with me. But just - you don't. You. Fucking. Don't.

Keith Haring did not simply leave the painting behind. He wanted it that way.

Yeah, the original story behind the piece was "sad." THAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT. It WAS sad that someone who was 31 years old died of a virus the government had made it clear they didn't give a fuck about researching, because oh, it seemed to affect gay men (the original name that a lot of people used was "Gay Related Immune Deficiency" if there's any doubt there) and they didn't care when that demographic died. It WAS sad that kids with HIV were harassed out of school and had to get court orders to attend in some cases, that adults with HIV lost their jobs and became pariahs because they had HIV/ADS, and that when people died of AIDS a lot of undertakers wouldn't even take their bodies. It WAS sad that so many people with AIDS were abandoned by their families and left to die completely alone, without even hospital staff comforting them. It WAS sad that people with AIDS often kept it a secret as long as they could because if anyone knew, it would cause immeasurable harm to them and their families.

HIV/AIDS now has treatments that can reduce viral load to undetectable levels. People with HIV and AIDS can live long lives. That's not everywhere in the world, BTW. But it only got that research and development and was taken seriously because AIDS activists put their blood, sweat and tears into it, and made sure that the legislators could not ignore them. This stuff isn't a secret. It's not ancient history. People who were involved with AIDS activism wrote books, made films and documentaries, sang songs, took photos, and so many of them are out there ready for you to read. People who remember and survived the AIDS epidemic are very much alive, including some who miraculously got through the 80s and 90s with HIV.

Keith Haring's final piece represents the loss of life, the loss of potential, the fact that someone who made glorious images come to life was now stopped in his tracks. It has always looked to me as though the painting is crying. Don't know if that's what he intended, but it's how it came across to me. Not just his tears, the sorrow of the entire situation was there on that canvas.

Any of of his friends could have finished his piece, if that was what he wanted, or what they felt was right. To feed it into AI and finish it is to erase all of the emotion this picture was created with.

So here's how it's supposed to be.

[chounaifu]

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

[missizzy]

New Fic: All Five, Part 17 (Star Wars Prequels)

(Read entire fic on AO3)

For the second morning in a row, the two of them went to have firstmeal in Obi-Wan's quarters. He'd managed to get his hands on some modu fruit, which Master Jinn had developed a taste for in the past few years, though Anakin got the impression this hadn't been the first time he'd offered it to his former Master. The whole thing felt all together too relaxed, given what was coming up both immediately and in the likely near future.

Anakin had a lesson that morning, far enough away that he was a bit surprised when both men insisted on walking with him. It did make him feel more protected, and while he still usually felt safe within the Temple from anyone who actually wanted to hurt him, he thought it reduced the number of the side-eyes he'd been getting his entire time as Padawan, but much more in recent months. Recently Obi-Wan had scolded some of the offenders, which Anakin had thought had even stopped a few of the younger ones completely.

The two of them mostly talked to each other, and mostly about the nature of the Force and some research done thousands of years ago that they had found it interesting to read through lately. Anakin had never been very good at following that stuff, and he sure wasn't going to manage it that morning, so he mostly tuned it out-until Master Jinn suddenly remarked, "Since that day the Council first called the five of us together, I have often thought of something written by one of the more philosophical Jedi of the time."

"Oh dear," laughed Obi-Wan, but there was something off about it, like he didn't find it funny at all.

And Master Jinn looked more sad than anything else as he said, "I know, but it sticks with me more than ever, now. 'The truly terrible thing about this kind of rage and resentment is it does not settle for harming the causes or supposed causes of the grievance, or even them and the one wielding the rage and violence, but, most times, all those around them. Even if it does not seem to at the time, the fire and ash of the fallout will burn and scar all they touch in time.'"

"Darth Maul's rage would hit a lot of people, then," said Anakin. "I mean, he might be especially after us, but he's also after all of the Jedi, right?"

"The Sith certainly all are," Obi-Wan agreed. "And I do wish we had some idea of who the Master is."

"Do we really have none?" Anakin asked, as the thought occurred to him, not for the first time, that Master Dooku might be. Obi-Wan seemed to think he wouldn't be able to hide that in the Temple, but they still didn't know a lot about the Sith, and what they could do.

Still, Obi-Wan said very firmly, "None whatsoever, I fear. Unless the Council hasn't told me something."

"They haven't told me it, either," Master Jinn added. "But I suppose they wouldn't tell me, would they?"

"Regretting defying the Council so many times, Master?" Obi-Wan asked, though he was smiling slightly.

"Even if he has," said Anakin, "they should tell us something like that. What if that Master decided to specifically target us too for some reason? Unless they've just told Master Windu, but he should still tell us, then."

"Honestly, Padawan," Master Jinn replied, "I don't truly think-"

But he was cut off by a young voice yelling, "Master Jinn! Knight Kenobi! Padawan Skywalker!" Octus Kon, who had been Padawan to a certain Master Kolg for a couple years now, came running up to them. "There's been news...I don't know...you're needed in the Council chambers right now!"

"Well, hopefully they are telling us whatever they know now," said Master Jinn as they hurried after Octus towards the lift.

Octus himself was going to rejoin his Master, who was currently on one of the Temple's higher levels, which meant he accompanied them for most of the ride. That did away with any chance of them resuming their earlier conversation. Even after Octus wished them luck and got off, there wasn't enough time to say much, so they didn't try.

They got there to find the full Council assembled, including a holographic Master Windu. "What's going on, Master Windu?" Anakin asked immediately. "Where's Padme?"

"Still in Tanzer, which I have not yet reached," Master Windu, "Allow me to explain in a moment."

That didn't really tell him anything, Anakin thought, but there wasn't time to respond. They were now in the center of the chamber, and Master Yoda was saying, "News, he has, for the three of you. Quick, this must be. Paused, his transport is, but he cannot stay outside it long."

"I got word of what you found out, and then I started talking to a few of my fellow travelers. Turns out one of them might know who your Master Kolut's in contact with. Unfortunately, if he's right, it means that the Sith have connections not only to this planet's underbelly, but a bunch of their authorities as well. At least those of Colorpa and Tanzer, because their law enforcements seem to have an unofficial ban on investigating anything involving the Epostulates, which is not the kind of corruption you typically see in those kind of organizations. My new friend swears Tanzer's databanks has at least a couple weeks' worth of communications between him and someone called Tzatsar."

"And you trust this source enough to go breaking local laws?" inquired Master Gallia.

"Not quite," said Master Windu. "Although I do think it likely this man genuinely believes what he's told me at the very least. What concerns me more is what I then heard about this Tzatsar from a completely different source. He's apparently employed in the town security, and likely in position to be responsible for the gaps in the public entrance and exit record I was able to view after that conversation. The latest of which is from ten hours ago.

I was initially planning to get to Tanzer and discuss this with my Padawan before I brought it up with anyone else. But now that I'm getting close, I'm sensing a very powerful, very dark presence in the city. Powerful enought that I think it likely to be our Sith Lord."

"And Padme's there by herself, with two civilians to protect?" Anakin burst out.

"Calm, my Padawan," his Master urged, and his hand was gentle on Anakin's shoulder. Normally it would've worked perfectly. But it had been harder recently, as he'd gotten older and more aware, the past few months and past couple of days had taken their toll, and the thought of Padme in that kind of danger, and the Master who was supposed to protect her not there, would never be something he could just shrug off.

Still, he tried, if only because Master Jinn was right there, and he really wanted to be good for him, especially in front of the Council. He did manage to control himself enough to keep standing there without saying anything else, his limbs only twitching a little-though he supposed the Council noticed that anyway.

Master Windu hadn't reacted at all. He was as calm and as cold as ever. "...would likely enter the city by then, and if she's figured out an easy way to get in contact with Ruuger's City, she might even stay there. It may be our best chance to get the Sith to come to us away from all of his minions, if the three of you can get here fast enough."

If they could get there...that meant they were going there. That got rid of Anakin's anger right away. In fact, he didn't even feel any fear right away, so strong was his relief and joy at the thought they were finally getting out and doing something, that they were getting to Padme, and they were finally going to fight this menace they'd both been so scared of together.

"Calm," he heard Master Jinn whisper, though gently, before he said, "So if we are going, how fast are we going? Within the hour?"

"Manage that, can we?" asked Master Yoda, and the conversation was given over to the logistics of how quickly they could get the three of them on their way. That did make Anakin feel much calmer. It was always easier for him when the plans were being made, when he had the way forward to focus on.

He would've felt even better, of course, if they had been able to go within the hour, but between one thing and another, it ended up being two. Anakin even ended up attending most of his lesson, though he didn't think he'd remember all that much about it later. He headed directly for the shuttle bay after it, and had been there for a few minutes, doing random checks on their ship's engine, when he heard Master Jinn and Obi-Wan coming up the ramp, their voices oddly soft and warm as they spoke words Anakin didn't quite catch.

Anakin was furthered surprised when they came in, and he saw Master Jinn was carrying what looked like an official missive tablet from the Supreme Chancellor's office, the kind that could only be opened with the recipient's thumbrint or similar, and held it out with a, "For you, Anakin, from Chancellor Palpatine. I've been given the impression it's not too urgent a message, but, well, from the way the aide who delivered it the Temple spoke, it felt like they knew we were about to leave Coruscant, and he wanted you to have this before then."

"Do you think the Council decided to speed notify him?" Anakin asked. They might have, he supposed, if only because the Sith were a pretty big threat to the galaxy in general. But it really wasn't common for them to bother with it this quickly.

But Master Jinn and Obi-Wan exchanged a look, and they looked kind of doubtful, even as Obi-Wan said, "Maybe."

"In any case," said Master Jinn, "if you want to read the missive right now, you certainly can. We can wait to depart if it's a short one, or Obi-Wan can fly us out."

"You want me to pilot?" Anakin asked, all other thoughts flung aside in his excitement. It wasn't surprising, since in the missions just before they'd gone to ground in the Temple had at some point or other typically had Master Jinn drilling him through everything in the cockpit, which had felt like the last step before that. But still.

Both of them were hovering over Anakin as he got into the pilot's seat. But Master Jinn was smiling, and Obi-Wan looked encouraging as well, and the feelings Anakin could sense from both of them were nothing but encouraging.

He maybe couldn't help but remember for a moment, that first terrifying time in the co-pilot's chair besides Padme, on the night they'd all of them fled the Temple for their lives. He pushed that aside as he breathed in, put his mind on the here and now, just as Master Jinn had worked so hard to teach him. He didn't remember enough of the piloting itself from that night, really, for this not to count as his real first time doing this.

It maybe wasn't the hardest thing, taking off from a recently built shuttle bay where things had been built to make it easy; Master Jinn might have even arranged them to be in this one. Still Anakin had to weave the ship through the other ships in the bay, the handful of droids, a couple of them in the air, and even one worker of a particularly tall species who he needed to avoid getting too near to to avoid hurting his ears. He skirted the bay ceiling just before reached the entrance, dipping down just under the top of the door.

"Go over the traffic stream," Master Jinn instructed. That wouldn't have been Anakin's first choice, but at least he wasn't making him fly as part of it, which was really stupid for a spaceship, but some Masters insisted on it for the first time piloting. Going with the traffic, either in or just above it, until you reached a specific point to move up through the atmosphere, made one much less likely to collide with anything.

As their vessel coasted into position, Coruscant's intraplanetary vehicles swarming about fifty feet below, Anakin, seeing them there, found himself feeling how high up they were mix with a new sense of the power he knew to be contained within the ship he flew. Even at his speed this slow, he could feel the air, the very space around them, give way to its twist and turns, to every move he made with it, and he could almost feel the potential in it, as if it were another version of the Force.

He knew well that most Jedi would tell him the power of a spaceship was nothing compared to the Force. And he didn't even think that wasn't true. But this, a thing not just given, not just generated by life, but created by people's ingenuity, that was special all on its own.

And so was this feeling of rightness, one he was very sure he hadn't felt when he and Padme had been fleeing, that Anakin felt now with his hands at the pilot's controls, one that had to come partly from the Force, but maybe not entirely.

All those feelings only increased when they reached the most ideal point, and even in the split second before Master Jinn gave the word Anakin was already moving to rise the ship up, and up, steadily increasing power and speed to reach escape velocity. By the time they reached the ionosphere, Anakin was soaring in almost every way, and he thought he could even hear space calling to him-a new, unexpected allure. Space had never appealed to him before then; it had always been so empty. But it was different when he was facing it at the controls, when it was something he was instead taking on with all the power of a ship beneath his hands.

He even felt it when the ship at last broke free of Coruscant's gravitational field and soared into open space. Moving between the craft in orbit-the ship could make lightspeed by itself, so they didn't need anything there, Anakin felt his excitement settle down a little, as he sank into needed concentration, but still his heart fluttered.

It wasn't surprising, and he only felt a little disappointed, when Master Jinn came up and gently moved him aside. "This won't be the easiest of hyperspace flights," he said to him, "and not one I would have you do as your first."

So Anakin gave way to him, and went into the corner of the cockpit, and opened the missive pad from the Chancellor. In it he read:

Padawan Skywalker:

You may be surprised that I am sending a message specifically to you, and not to your Master. But in fact, I have things to say for your eyes and ears only. I hope he will have enough respect for your basic privacy that he will not insist on reading it. Although I'm afraid if he asks you what this is about, I shall have to ask that you tell him only that I should like to see you again at some time in the future, for you made a very good impression on me. That is, of course, true. However, I also feel the need to drop you a hint that I could not in your Master's presence. Though I have great respect for and no true ill to speak of Master Jinn, every being that has ever lived in this galaxy, even a Jedi, will have biases towards those dear to him, will find it difficult to believe wrong of them. I have met with just about every member of the Jedi Council at some point since I have become Chancellor, and they have all spoken of him at some point. Not always positively, perhaps; I have been given to understand he clashes with them a great deal. But he has known most of them since he was a Padawan, thanks to his old Master's acquaintances, and I have seen the friendships he shared with more than one of them. And that leaves out those of them he grew up with, including Master Windu. So while I should not mind meeting with the both of you in general again, I should also like it if, perhaps, the two of us could also at some time meet informally. I am sure that once the danger that threatens you two in particular and your three friends has been dealt with, you will have some freedom of movement on Coruscant again. Master Jinn does not strike me as the type of Master who insists on knowing where their Padawan is and whom they meet with at all times. I shall not ask for such a thing, of course, until it is relatively safe for you to go wandering around the planet. I greatly hope that it soon will be, for all of your sakes, and even, perhaps for the sake of the Jedi Order.

Your friend, hopefully, Sheev Palpatine

Master Jinn wasn't going to ask any questions about anything right now, of course, because he was too busy flying the ship. Anakin turned the pad off, and tried to nonchalantly put it aside.

It all made sense, of course. The Chancellor wouldn't have any reason to suspect Master Dooku, so he would be more worried about the more obvious candidates. But either way, he was right. Anakin would have to figure out how to conceal this from his Master, because it was always harder to do that with important things, though maybe he could enlist Obi-Wan's help if he really had to. Or Padme's, maybe, but being Master Windu's Padawan meant she might have the same problem as Master Jinn in how well she probably knew the Council, and she'd never defied them.

Really, he thought, Master Windu was obviously a great and powerful Jedi, but his being Padme's Master had been the reason for a lot of problems lately. But he didn't know how she'd react to anyone saying that to her. Anakin was going to have to be careful about that. He felt torn about whether he should show her this message or not.

She should probably become a knight after all this, anyway. Anakin had heard a couple comments from both his Master and from Obi-Wan, suggesting that might actually happen if they faced the Sith, possibly with her not even having to take the trials. That wouldn't work for him because he wasn't old enough-that had been made very clear to him-but she might be, if only just. But that, too, was probably up to Master Windu.

Meanwhile, he'd already been planning to keep a closer eye on the Master, so he could keep on doing that. He definitely didn't think he had anything to do with the Sith, but it might even be a good idea to make absolutely sure of it.

Not Long After That, in Tanzer

By the time she and her master reunited, Padme had separated from Nyder and Clistara, judging they'd be safer away from her. She'd put them in rooms in two different buildings, albeit two buildings close enough she could get from one to the other quickly if need be.

Master Windu let her hug him when he entered the inn room where she'd holed up herself. In fact, she was pretty sure his own arms tightened around her, and she could tell from the sigh he let out that he was deeply relieved to have found her in one piece.

He even said to her, "Well done, my Padawan," before asking for the full account of everything that had happened since they'd split up. His critique of her was pretty much what she had expected. Most of his suggestions about her interactions with the various civilians she'd talked with were even helpful. He didn't even bother scolding her for her brief forays off the mission in Alopi; he knew by now he was never going to get her to not do such things. Besides, it had been significant to know there had been people in that city looking for him.

(It wasn't like on Falsine, where she'd blown the cover on a carefully orchestrated operation, and might have made the ongoing civil war worse if her Master's cleverness hadn't managed to instead turn it to their advantage. Or those times where she'd been more of a hindrance than a help; she would still feel embarrassed if she ever had to go back to Morgos Prime.)

When they were done with that discussion, they moved on to what to do next. Between one thing and another, they would likely have a couple of days before their three companions reached this area of the planet. What Padme would've most liked to do during those days was get Nyder and Clistara put somewhere else, where any fighting or other dangerous things were less likely to take place. Master Windu was very much in favor of that as well, but he wasn't sure how it could be done. Even if they just put them on a train to the planet's far side, there was no knowing how likely they were to be followed.

"And we can't devote all our energy to it, of course," said Master Windu, after they had gone through the options there and found major problems with all of them. "Once there are the five us here, the Sith will come for us immediately if we're lucky, and throw all his assets at us in a rapid rush before coming himself if he's smarter about it. We have to make sure we scout out as much as possible before the others arrive."

"I know," said Padme, because she did.

He also wanted to talk to both her companions before they made any decisions about them. Padme took him to Nyder first. When he first saw Master Windu, he very nearly backed into the far wall, heedless of her "It's okay, it's just my Master." But Master Windu was used to dealing with those that had merely turned skittish, and he soon got him telling his story.

He finished with a speech about how he'd wanted to help, but he was getting scared, and he thought maybe he'd like to go now, if they thought they might not need him. It was short enough for Master Windu to wait it out, before he said, "I can gain you entry into a refugee resettlement center elsewhere in the galaxy, and give you credits to get there. If you wish to go immediately I will chart a certain, more roundabout way for you, where there will be nooone to track you. But you will have to travel alone. We cannot accompany you right now. If you prefer our protection, you will have to wait at least a few days."

"Oh, I don't think I have to run that far," he told him. "Maybe just spend some time on this planet's other side for now. I don't need your help getting there." But his manner softened when he turned to Padme and said, "I know you've saved my life, though, and I really am grateful for that." It was a thanks she never would've demanded from him, but was deeply glad to get.

Their goodbyes were genuinely warm when they parted ways, probably for good, about an hour later, with his itinerary booked and the credits he'd ultimately accepted transferred. Padme felt the best she had in weeks, at least.

That lasted until about five minutes into their meeting with Clistara. Arguably, it could've gone much worse. She wasn't even openly hostile, or rude, to Master Windu. But Padme knew very quickly that he would never let her travel away from here unobserved, the way they'd let Nyder leave. And by the time he'd spent way too long trying to wrestle any information about how she'd been recruited by Maul's followers out of her, Padmé just wished the interview would end, because it had become painful for her to watch. When it finally did, the polite way Master Windu told Clistara they'd come back that evening made her want to outright slap him.

He knew she already knew what his decision was, so as soon as they were away from the building, he said, "We're going to need to move her to the far end of the city. We can't keep her in any one place for too long, especially with Nyder having also been here."

Padme wanted very badly to protest. But she didn't know what to do as an alternative that he would accept. Honestly, she didn't think any of the ideas she had were at all good ones anyway.

He at least let her pick where they put her, with only a reminder that the building's security had to be the priority. She settled on a place right by a transit station, with people flowing in and out so fast Clistara would just be one more of them. They did a quick scout of it, of course, and it looked all right. Though they had to spend most of their scouting time in the parts of the city their actual mission was likely to involve, so they didn't stay as long as she might have liked.

And the truth was, Padme found herself distracted and not at her best the entire evening. She wasn't even sure of the full reasons why. It was probably a combination of having to watch her Master barrage Clistara, thinking of her spending who knew how long trapped in another room, and also the current situation in general, and obviously the general feeling of darkness around didn't help. For much of it Master Windu didn't say anything, but ultimately, he had to give her, "Keep your focus, Padme. This may be the time in our lives where we can least afford to lose it."

So she tried to keep it, she really did. And she and Master Windu together did get the information they needed. But while he didn't make any further remarks about being disappointed with her performance that night, he didn't really need to.

[respectthepetty]

I FOLLOW THE TRASHY PATH BECAUSE I TOO HAVE TRASH TASTE PETTY but even though on every level except physical I am a radioactive possum swimming through the hazardous waste dumpster that is life, living in hardcore ignorance doesn’t sound half bad actually. I skipped right to Close to You after Trapped and that was definitely the move I loved Close to You so so so much. BLISSFUL IGNORANCE IT IS

Anon, I want to watch Absolute Zero, but I'm very afraid of how it will pan out, and Only Friends and I Feel You Linger in the Air are already staring at me each week ready to beat me up outside with bottles of Oishi green tea, so I completely understand skipping out on even the slightest hint of a painful experience. However, I'm completion-ist. Therefore, even if I see the pain coming, I must finish the series once I begin it.

I was very quiet watching Eternal Yesterday, Something in My Room, and Kissable Lips last year because I could feel the pain coming, yet I still finished them.

This is why I like trash.

Even if there is pain, at least it'll be a fun ride. HIStory 5: Love in the Future had the possibility of the leads being split up due to time traveling reasons, but there was a tiny man with UFOs on his suit who was trying to kill one of the second pair's guys by locking him in a freezer, and I secretly lived for it.

We all know Yi and Diao are going to end up together in Naughty Babe, but I'm loving this adventure so much more than Cutie Pie all because of a terrible CGI tiger.

I've watched and forgotten more tragic queer content than most people have even heard of, so when I sit down to enjoy my international BLs, I want pendejos. I want dramatics. I want trash.

AND NO PAIN!

I know sad stuff is some people's jam and butter. No hate and no shade. To each their own. Which is why I'm thrilled to exist in this era of BL riches. There is something for everyone, and there is plenty of happy trashy shows for me to enjoy weekly.

. . .

But know that if y'all could see my face sometimes watching this sad stuff, I'd look like Chadwick Boseman did at the 2019 Oscars when Green Book beat Black Panther for Best Picture because I think writers feel offering up queer trauma somehow legitimatizes their work in a way they believe queer joy doesn't because mainstream media has taught us we must detail the ways in which societal norms have harmed us in order to be accepted by the people who continue to uphold those norms.

But anywho,

I like trash.

[the1975attheirverybest]

I get that it upsets people to think about Matty possibly falling out with someone he was (seemingly) close with, but if I got online and saw people pitying me like that I’d commit a crime. Like you said, it dehumanizes him. He’s so patient and respectful with us, all he expects is the same patience and respect back. He already gives so much of himself to us, through his art and just daily interactions, no one should think they’re entitled to anymore than he’s willing to share. He’s literally talked multiple times about how he struggles with fame and how much the press fucked with him as a child, he was famous before but one month hanging around TS and suddenly he’s everywhere, it’s just sad to think that his own fans are participating in it.

It’s literally just gossip, but if it’s true, it doesn’t concern us. Friendships end all the time, people grow apart, shit happens. If all this TS stuff never happened no one would be questioning why he didn’t make it to the wedding.

It’s also disappointing because he JUST came back to socials. All this shit (starting with the TikTok) starts up and suddenly he’s gone again. Yeah, I’m sure it has to do with the breaks they’ve had and him spending time in LA, but part of me wonders if he just doesn’t feel like interacting with fans online when he doesn’t have to. I know he comes and goes all the time, but either way, he sees all of this bullshit and fans know it. Theories about his personal life should be kept in DMs (or preferably in their heads).

I know people send you dumb shit but you’re one of the few people I’ve seen actually shut it down, or give a logical, reasonable explanation. I’m also loving Reddit right now since the mods delete any speculation about his personal life.

Anyways, this ended up being way too long, and it’s also me being a hypocrite for speculating, but these past few months have been exhausting, I thought it would let up after May. I know he’s a celebrity but he’s not like most celebrities. He interacts with us like we’re on the same level, he willingly spends time in online fan spaces, he goes out his way to make us happy. Sorry for ranting in your inbox, but this all just bums me out.

Yes I strongly agree with this, especially his social media presence because I’ve seen the shit that people tag him in. And it’s insane. He’s got thick skin and a healthy detachment from peoples views of him but he’s still a human being. It can’t always be easy.

I don’t think we appreciate his love for his job and his fans enough. Some days in May were REALLLYYY hard for him. Twice he had to go onstage and perform less than an hour after some nasty articles were being published about him. I love my job and my students more than I love myself. I would do it for free if the university didn’t pay me. But I don’t know if I would be able to keep it together if I were in Matty’s shoes. And sometimes he was the one talking us down. “I’m still here and I love you guys.” “Some people they have people. I have you guys.” C’mon! How does it not feel awful participating in behavior that hurts him or is in any way shape or form harmful towards an artist like that? He’s so good to us and goes above and beyond all the fucking time. And he’s spoken so much about how important it is to him that he connects with people and builds this sense of community cuz it’s a way to combat the doom and gloom of our current state. He’s always open and generous and kind. He’s given stage props to fans. He’s had a fan onstage to play guitar for robbers. He’s played songs that were not on the setlist just cuz people have requested them and he’s humble enough to feel that the show is about the audience not about him, so he will go out of his way to give the audience the best time that he can possibly give. and his own fuckin fans are doing this to him??? Unacceptable. and I’m so tired of it. This fandom is way better than this. We never used to do this kind of thing. We should cut this shit out before it becomes permanent.

[lultimagoccia]

get to know the mun ! very long post, under readmore.

name / alias. castoro.

are you over 18 ? yes. no.

WRITING.

are you selective about who you write with ? no (anyone.) semi (most people.) yes (some people.) highly (few people.) private.

are you selective about who you follow ? no (anyone.) semi (most people.) yes (some people.) highly (few people.)

if your muse is canon, how much do you adhere to canon ? not at all. a little. some. mostly. strictly. not applicable.

see this one feels like an ' it's complicated ' because i do try to use the information presented in the game / comics / old lore doc / cut dialog sequences / ic tweets / concept art as the groundwork of my portrayal, but i don't like. treat pepp like a video game / cartoon character? i know a big part of pt is the game mechanics so i incorporate those as much as i can, but it's not a thing i lean into a lot

what post lengths do you write ? one - liners. single - para. multi - para. novella. all of the aforementioned.

do you use icons and/or gifs ? no. gifs. icons. yes. sometimes.

do you write on other platforms ? no. yes.

my discord is available to people i write with!

what level of plots do you write ? unplotted. open - ended plots. semi - plotted. fully plotted epics. all of the aforementioned.

i generally prefer to have an idea to work off of and MAYBE some details that'll happen along the way. but overall i like when things happen organically, in whatever way feels right to the story.

how quickly do you usually respond to threads ? very slow (more than a month.) slow (3 - 4 weeks.) average (1 - 2 weeks.) fast (less than one week.) very fast (less than three days.) depends on my motivation, this can make it range from days to weeks.

really varies as of late due to varying levels of energy / motivation.

what types of themes do you like ? adventure. romance. fluff. angst. violence. tragedy. domestic. family. all of the aforementioned.

i like stuff that is very emotionally charged, happy or sad or angry, WHATEVER. make me FEEL, man, i am ready for it. also just love sitting two characters down and letting them talk. some really interesting stuff can emerge from two muses just hashing out their perspectives and seeing what happens.

what genres do you like? high fantasy. supernatural. science fiction. historical. horror. comedy. romantic. drama. action. smut. adventure. espionage. all of the aforementioned.

are there any themes you’re uncomfortable writing on your blog ? (not triggers) no. yes. it depends.

cheating / infidelity has always been a big no for me. also not mega comfortable writing about child death / extreme harm to children. it just makes me really upset.

do you have any triggers ? how do you request it tagged ?

the topic of miscarriages / pregnancy loss can be triggering for me, but i doubt that's gonna come up like much at all.

SHIPPING.

what types of relationships are you open to ? romantic. platonic. familial. other. all of the aforementioned.

what types of pre - established relationships are you open to ? romantic. platonic. familial. other. all of the aforementioned.

all i ask is that we talk about it first. i've had people write muses intended to be mine's kid that presumed my muse was a radically different kind of parent than i would've written them as, so ... i'd kinnnda prefer to plot that sort of stuff out first now.

do you have otps ? no. chemistry only. yes.

i basically ship pepp with all the canon pt characters, with my favorites being pepp / noisette, pepp / gustavo, and pepp / fake ( only when fake is written as being fully cognitively mature, not as an animal or childlike ). for sugary spire, i like pizzano / pizzelle.

do you have notps ? no. yes.

for pt, not really no. there's ships i'm a little picky about how they're written, such as pepp / anton and pepp / pizzahead, but like i said i ship pepp with All.

what is your muse’s sexual orientation ? heterosexual. bisexual. pansexual. homosexual. demisexual. asexual. still trying to figure it out. depends on the muse you’re asking.

what is your muse’s romantic orientation ? heteroromantic. biromantic. homoromantic. panromantic. demiromantic. aromantic. still trying to figure it out. depends on the muse you’re asking.

are you comfortable writing smut ? no. selectively. yes.

i gotta know you at least a lil bit, because i'm a shy weenie about things like that.

how early in a relationship do you ship romantically ? autoship. during plotting. after a couple ic interactions. several ic interactions. slow burn. plot dependent. never.

are you open to toxic ships ? no. selectively. yes. i am not sure.

are you open to problematic ships ? no. selectively. yes. i am not sure.

are you open to polyshipping ? no. selectively. yes. i am not sure.

are you an exclusive shipper ? never. sometimes. yes. i would be open to discuss it.

does crack shipping ever happen ? nope. yes. depends.

all ships i do are serious ships. all of them. does not matter how jokingly it is suggested, i will make it real.

tagged. i stole it.

tagging. @crvptd, @phonypizza, @pizzadoff

[learnerforlife]

Late night thoughts

Hi all, again i know that i am not active on tumblr because of my addiction to Instagram. Anyways, i just dump my thoughts here and i genuinely tell you it does help me at some levels. When i had my breakup i started writing on tumblr and even now i am writing this because of the same reason. Old memories started to come back and those are not leaving me. Honestly speaking i did come out of my breakup but still this late night make me remind of her. She was sweet, really kind person but when she cheated i never realized that she could do this. People used to say that I would be the one who leaves the relationship, but she happened to leave me first. There are multiple things which i learned after my breakup happened which i think if i knew this before then my love story would have been different. 1. There are things apart from Love: I use to think that only love is the most important thing in the relationship and i believed that if 2 are in love then relationship works. Well that's not the case. You see only love doesn't make the relationship work. Partners should have good understanding of each other, they should respect each other, they should enjoy each others company, they should have fun and they should have good experience. I never realized this things before and had really boring life experience with each other(my life fucked up when i was in relationship) , but if i had worked on this things before then maybe i would have different story. 2. Never hate your ex: I used to hate her after our breakup and that actually harmed me. My hatred just damaged my peace and my mental health. My hate made me do things which just harmed me. I used to be irritated all the time, i smoked a lot, i drank alcohol a lot, literally ruined my life. This things just made it more and more worse and i didn't cope up well with the breakup. After harming myself a lot i realized that hating her is not the solution, accepting the fact that all this happened is the solution. When you start accepting the this bitter truth, you then start to grow as an individual, this growth is what helps you to get out of that grief. Accept that you are being cheated and accept that you cannot do anything for that. When you start realizing this fact then you start growing.

3. Love Yourself First: People often come into relationship because they crave for love, they think we also need someone to listen us, understand us (and also for s**). But what i realized that in order to love someone else you first learn to love yourself first. Learn to understand yourself, see what you like what you don't like, what are your goods what are your bads . Unless you love yourself you can love your partner. Once I started understanding myself i figured out that overall i am not a perfect person and i dont have a perfect life, i lack some things but also i am good at some things, i am bad at understanding human emotions but i have a helping nature. When i realized such things i started to work on those stuffs and now i am a good human (atleast i believe so)

4. Learn the art of giving: I was a person who just wanted things but never tried to give it. Because of this, after my breakup i wanted love. This caused me to hurt myself more and more. When I realized that i won't get love just by demanding for it, I started to start sharing my love. I started to have more stronger bonds with my family, with my friends, even with some randoms people. I used to smile a lot and that gave me strength to get out of it. I loved when other people used to have good time with me and that gives you a strength to overcome your fear of "All are same". So instead of asking for love, you kindness, start giving love and kindness. Although i learned more stuffs than what i mentioned, i think this are the most important learning. Lastly, ill tell one last thing - There are more chapters to come into your life, so don't be sad because of just one sad chapter, your story is yet to be complete Thank You !!

[cyanrendipity]

OP here hello, reblogging this on my sideblog cause maybe I've been going on about it for too long

Just wanted to respond to some points cause while it is subjective "dark" when it comes to stories usually have implications I just don't see on Dungeon Meshi and might make someone that enjoys Darker themes to be disapointed if they were sold on a Dark story and then presented dungeon meshi.

However, getting there involved a lot of very grim stuff, and the setting of Dungeon Meshi isn't presented as a happy place where everything is okay and all conflict is low-stakes.

The setting is very "grounded" it's true! Reality is full of grim things and Dungeon Meshi isn't really escapism like some Slice of Life anime tend to be. But dealing with "uncomfortable" subject's isn't really dark, I wouldn't call pixar movies dark just because they deal with loss or more uncomfortable subjects, to me the framing of those aspects indicates the theme better than the actual subject.

The realism in Dungeon Meshi isn't fatalistic, while it's not a happy place they constantly look to the bright side of the situations, they falter but they get up again with renewed energy. A darker show would probably follow something like what Toshiro was going thru, not eating and suffering because his loved one was taken, sacrificing his own comfort and ignoring his party members because reality is dirty and cruel and took Falin from him. Dungeon Meshi completely shuts down that type of thinking, you must love and take care of yourself first so you can love and take care of others.

To me it's especially hopeful and bright exactly because it shows that even when things seem bad there is hope. Dealing with bad things is part of life a happy world isnt one where everything goes well.

Also, one of the main themes of the whole work is about how to exist in the world is, inevitably, to do harm and to be harmed. We all eat and we all are eaten.

It is! Eating is the privilege of the living, but I don't think there's even a hint of a reading where this is dark? Senshi's party all died so he could live, what he did with the life that was given to him? Instead of living in suffering he tried to live fully to honor his teammates. Laios says he's finally willing to take something and have something taken from him, it's the willingness to live fully without fear for the people he loves.

Dungeon Meshi is a complicated story about a complicated world, and it is very direct and unflinching about that. Is that dark? Well, people do not agree on that! Some say yes because it includes difficult themes and painful emotions, and does not minimise their impact. Some say no because it is not a tragedy.

Some people say anything is dark just because it's not escapism but I just think that's misleading, if someone told me "bluey is darker than you think" because they imply miscarriage I'd be severely disappointed that it was just a children's show with complex subjects. Reality isn't dark, sadness isn't dark, there's no need to be afraid of real life issues or to make them sound like something "dark" just because they're uncomfortable.

I feel like the blood and "gore" in dungeon meshi might be part of why people think it's dark and that's the part where I can't really say anything, while from the start there is blood and guts perhaps people were more shocked when it became about human blood and guts but as dungeon meshi goes we're all animals and part of the circle of life.

"Dungeon Meshi more complex than you think" "Deeper than you think" "More uncomfortable than you think" would all have made sense, saying it's dark makes me think it's gonna be game of thrones level of uncomfortable hopelessness not The Lion King circle of life level of drama.

I guess my biggest issue with calling it dark is disappointing people by promising them Dungeon Meshi is something it isn't and convincing them to engage with it on a misleading premises

Will never not be confused by these types of statements.

Dark? Dungeon Meshi? Fucking blood spatter effect???

Feels like some people imply dungeon meshi is like madoka and switches mood but I never felt it, even as it gets to more complex and maybe "darker" subjects it continues to be a comedy about eating monsters in a dungeon.

Idk I just feel like it had a gradual ramping up in themes but it never "shifts" or stops being what it is, one thing that baffled me the most was people saying they expected the second opening to be darker

[tabithatwo]

Can I ask why you don’t like this new season of yj? No hate or anything, I’m just genuinely curious

I’m so tired and probably won’t be very coherent but that’s okay there’s like six more of these in my asks if I want a second more thorough answer tomorrow lol but a lot of how I feel is in posts on my blog and I’ll just talk mostly 2x08 here. I’ve been hanging on tight until this episode but it has BROKEN me. Like I’m in mourning lol. To anyone who likes it I’m so happy for you I’m not coming for you at all.

But to me the main issue I’ve had is how they have constantly had opportunities to go DARK and SHOW the devolution but they played it very fucking safe (the makeup being the catalyst, Shauna’s birth being truly the safest option possible, like an episode of call the midwife except a fucked up dream happens, etc) and there was no actual build to the level of violence and depravity (or even RELIGION BUILDING) that the card draw sacrifice calls for. The ate Jackie because she was already dead and the wilderness slow cooked her, they were all mourning the baby last episode, they showed us Misty feeling potentially genuine remorse and guilt for Crystal? The “cult stuff” up until now has been mostly fucking dbt techniques and self harm. Yes the shauna lottie last episode was intense but we got absolutely zero follow up on it in any real characterization way for shauna this episode.

Then they kicked us out of the room when the decision was being made and I PROMISE people who think that was a shit move are largely not thinking they needed to explain the card game. It’s about showing your characters in pivotal huge moments. Yellowjackets is advertised and set up in s1 as a psychological horror. I want to see the characters GRAPPLE with things in a psychological horror. Seeing how they got from point a to point b isn’t about understanding the rules of their game, it’s about seeing developed characters reactions to crazy fucking shit.

Instead we get a jump straight into everyone drawing a card and the group deciding to kill one of their two hunters. Would some be on board with no questions asked? sure, but to ask the audience to believe that it just Makes Sense that they landed here after being very fucking relatively TAME all season until that one fight (I was so scared after that scene and no one reacting that this is the jump they were making, based on one moment alone and I was so sad to see it happen lol) is a big ask.

Now add on top of that the way they’re cutting us out of the actual character driven moments. That wasn’t psychological horror, that wasn’t delving into characters psyches like we’ve been promised. It was a thriller moment, change on a dime, maybe for shock value I guess. To me that interim would’ve been a very hard scene to write, a glimpse even of them deciding and reckoning with this belief and darkness in themselves. It’s a large group with a lot to juggle and big messy dynamics. And the easy way out of that is to just not show it at all.

People keep saying “they don’t have time to develop things this season because of side plots.” But they CHOSE to have those side plots in the first place. They’re filling shit in because they don’t WANT to get into the nitty gritty. We watched musical theater and cops and whatever the hell else and whatever. Fine. Sure. But it isn’t that those plots magically overtook some extra brilliant deep moments that they planned on showing with these characters to actually WITNESS their devolution, like s1 set us up to expect. They added them to fill empty space.

I GET that they become brutal. I GET that they devolve. I UNDERSTAND that from moment fucking one. The draw of the show to me is not watching them chase someone. We got that in the first scene. It’s seeing HOW they get there. What has to happen to get them to that place AND how does it impact each main character. Don’t just list the bad things for me. Show me their reasoning and their religion building and their arguing and their giving in. That’s what the real story is to me. Because we just saw them do their first ritual kill, but we didn’t see much more DEPTH to it, with these characters that we’ve now spent 18 episode getting to know, than the pilot already showed us.

1 am ramblings please forgive confusing turns of phrase or typos lol

[mutable-manifestation]

Red

based on @13thdoodle's drawing Day 4: Red Red Green which is based on this prompt from @danphanwritingprompts.

***

For a long, long time the Fenton parents had been the kooks of Amity Park.

But eventually, ghosts became a known quantity. Suddenly it wasn’t so crazy to believe in ghosts.

Suddenly, Fenton Defense equipment was actually a hot commodity - whatever their eccentricities, they knew what they were doing when it came to working with ectoplasm.

Unfortunately, the Fenton’s also went about shouting theories that were - though it took some time - proven untrue in the eyes of the masses. 

All ghosts couldn’t be evil, not when the Box Ghost - for all he shouted about doom - would float away happily if given a box as a gift. 

Not when the ghost of Sidney Poindexter only ever appeared to cheer up bullied students, and only once in a blue moon - the Fenton boy didn’t seem to receive the same courtesy for all that he was the main target given his habit of stepping in and drawing attention to himself to spare other students (perhaps Poindexter just didn't want to make the necessary multiple-times-a-day appearance that it would take).

Not when Phantom did his best to protect them from the ghosts that truly meant them harm - plenty of the older generation might have fallen for the Fentons’ lies after the incident with the mayor and the circus, but plenty were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Still, whatever people thought of their theories on ghosts’ behaviors and personalities, when it came to simple ectoplasm and biology it was acknowledged that Jack and Maddie Fenton knew their stuff.

Ghost shields worked just like they said they would, their weapons - while poorly aimed - worked just fine in competent hands, and things like ghosts being made purely of ectoplasm seemed to bear out when the ghosts that Phantom fought would - very rarely, ghosts being so much harder to injure than humans - get a scrape and bleed that same neon green.

(The students of Casper High see even more evidence of this when Manson panics at lunch and lipstick-blasts a blob ghost she’d seen out of the corner of her eye. The spray of gore hadn’t appeared to contain anything defined as far as the students could tell through their panic and sadness - thankfully, the blob was able to pull itself back together before zipping away from the incredibly relieved goth.)

And so the facts of life in Amity were thus:

Ghosts are real

Ghosts will attack the city pretty frequently

Phantom will protect Amity from attacking ghosts

Fenton brand ghost equipment is reliable as long as you know exactly what it is meant to do

You will have to ask for details. This is necessary, but you will regret it. Set aside at least 4 hours.

It is best to avoid unknown ghosts until proven safe (either because they are friendly or because they are a Box Ghost level threat).

Ghosts bleed green

And, finally:

7. Despite the number of fights he has been in, whether by skill or sheer dumb luck, Danny Phantom has never bled.

No one ever thought about it, ever wondered.

And why would they? Danny Phantom is dead, and the dead bleed green. No one has to wonder when they already know the answer.

Until the day that Skulker and Technus team up. 

Technus is already captured by the time the cheering crowd appears - familiar enough with Phantom v Skulker fights to see that it is coming to a close and willing to take the newly-decreased risk to get a closer look at their hero in action.

Phantom is already aiming the thermos at a heavily-damaged Skulker when he throws one of he and Technus’ collaborative weapons in a last-ditch effort to escape.

Phantom dodges lower to the ground - the round looks like a net-projectile, he thinks, it should just pass over-head.

It was meant to be an area-of-effect taser. Not that anyone can tell when the haphazardly-assembled device explodes over Phantom’s head just as Skulker is sucked into the thermos.

The crowd screams and reshuffles just out of the way of where Phantom plummets to the ground - they know he can tank a crash, but the explosion is new and worrying. 

The bit of dust clears to Phantom sitting up and holding his head, eyes closed as he groans. 

And then his hand pulls away, and all anyone can focus on is the red, red liquid dripping down his pale face and smeared across his white, white glove and the edge of his hairline.

He stares at his glove, face slack in something like disbelief while the trail of blood curves over his cheek to trail towards his chin and the crowd whispers around him. 

The dead bleed green, the living bleed red. 

Humans bleed red.

And

Is Phantom alive?

At the last, he jolts to attention, slapping on something that is as much a grimace as it is a grin.

“Whaaa-aat? Noooo. This is just paint.” He points at his head as he speaks, rising unsteadily to his feet with his free hand - like gravity matters, like he’s forgotten he can fly. “Why would I bleed red?”

His voice rises too, and the people closest to him - Kwan among them, given Phantom had practically landed on his doorstep - can see the sweat forming on his brow as he speaks. His voice rises to a higher pitch than normal.

The ‘paint’ finally drips to his chin, and falls to splash bright, obvious red-on-white on his collar.

Kwan can just see the cut beyond the blood - where it’s coming from. He pockets his phone and steps forward, worry overtaking any confusion or admiration.

“Phantom-”

Phantom jolts fumbling back a step before his eyes widen and he floats up, into the air like he’d just remembered how.

“Anyway!” Phantom’s voice is practically a squeak and it’s plain to see the tension in every limb. “Gotta go wash off all this paint! Red really isn’t my brand, y’know. Haha. ha.” 

Phantom lives up to his name (does he? Can he? Is he?) and vanishes from sight.

The crowd has all of ten seconds to glance at the specks of red on the ground where he’d landed before an open jug of bleach materializes to fall to its side, contents covering the area.

[mochikeiji]

Gojo Satoru

↠ Pairing: Gojou Satoru x F!Reader

↠ Warning: bby gojo having heavy thoughts and sadness after everything. (pls hug) angst to fluff.

↠ a/n: ironically, his name is the title for this xD also thank you so much for the love from my recent works o(^▽^)o♡ have my love too!

↬ Word Count: 1.9k

Everyone has their beginnings. While some were blessed to start out life with good fortune and the right path, there were some who struggled through their way in living. For Gojo? He didn't really care. Not when he was already being worshipped for being born in this world, not when as a child he had barely lifted a finger before his life was already planned out for him. It was as if he was simply taking the red carpet to luxury. He already has everything. Truly, he claimed, he was indeed the honored one.

He wasn't one to be wary of his own feelings. What was there to be thought about if he doesn't know what are these stuff running through his head? Not that he should give a single mind to it. 

But as he sat down at the tub of his bathroom— tweezers between his fingers, one at a time he plucks out the small shards of glass that had dug themselves onto his skin from the previous mission he was sent on solo, he started to wonder why he was staring blankly at the crimson liquid trailing down his damaged skin. Why did he felt so empty?

Maybe if Shoko were around to patch him up, he would've have had someone to pester for the day. Maybe he wouldn't have gone home to the lonesome apartment he owns, hissing at the pain from each shard taken out of his body.

Pain

That was strange. He never experienced that. Not even when he's in battle with the strongest forms of curses. No matter how many gashes of wounds he's collected, they always heal themselves quickly. It was unfamiliar that it began to frustrate him. He doesn't like it. Not one bit. It hurts. It hurts so much, yet why was there still something making his heart clench?

Loneliness. Abandonment. Broken.

Gojo was a fool for losing the only person that has come close to understanding him. If only he understood what Geto was going through; if he knew what the hell were all those troubles and emotions were maybe he would've still had his only best friend here with him. But no. It slowly came crashing down on Gojo's eyes that though he was the honored one,

He was the lost one.

A broken soul being held by strings as he was only guided to follow along the path that was planned out for him, but never what he planned for himself.

Why was he remembering all of these now? It had been years after the downfall. He should've moved on from it, be the usual cherry top, annoying idiot he was to his students and colleagues. God, he hates this. Falling, falling, falling.

Only the weak fall

Was a statement drilled into his system right from the start. The never ending worship that has earned him the title of being the "strongest" was what he kept pursuing. Believing.

Was the Gojo Satoru at his weakest point?

"Fuck." the unusually large shard of glass falls on the tiled floor, removed from the left side of his chest. Near to the scar that trails from the base of his throat and down to his navel; the reminder of why he shouldn't be left vulnerable at any cost. The hideous flaw that will forever be marked on his body, the one he desperately hides behind those prideful remarks and grinning faces. It saddens him, it hurts him, it angers him. It makes himself lose his own sanity.

The stinging started to kick in on his chest, no longer can he tell if it was from the wound or the clenching of his heart. He was strong, he was suppose and always will be strong. "Why?" the tub cracks from his grip. His free hand coming up to his eyes, eyes that people loved enough to fall in a trance— enemies crumbling and begging for mercy upon them.

Gojo felt ashamed.

Shameful. He grits his teeth hard when the small trickle of the uncharacteristic tear falls from the heavenly eye. It falls down to the porcelain surface, mixing with the trail of blood that was slowly draining down, "Why?" he finally looks down at the fatal wound, attempting to stop the bleeding with his bare hands pushing his chest. The blood smearing all over his upper body, shading the past scar that it made it look like it was there again.

"Why?"

Gojo speaks a little louder, sweating profusely as the dam inside him broke. Like an endless waterfall it was the tears fall. It made him sick. This was all not him. This wasn't the known shaman in the jujutsu world. This wasn't the boy raised from the family of the strongest. This wasn't the strongest.

"Stop."

This wasn't any of him.

"Make it stop."

Then who was he?

"Please, make it stop."

"Satoru?"

Entire body freezing. It was the first time he felt fear rushing through his veins; the fear of being seen like this. It wasn't because he didn't trust you. Good gracious, you were the last and only person Gojo ever holds onto after the years being glued together by faith and his attempts of flirting. No, he didn't want you to see this unknown person that was sitting in the bathroom of your shared apartment. Right, he forgot he was living with you.

Huh, he forgot. You were there.

There knelt down to his level, wide eyes meeting the now visible broken ones that was glossy with tears. With careful movements you raised an arm to eye level, pleading silently for permission to touch him. And for the time, Gojo was actually wary. He's faced a lot in the years spent as a sorcerer, as the strongest. Never the weakest. So when your lips curled into the same smile you'd give him during your moments of vulnerability. The cute, little curve you give when you couldn't help but just admire him or when you're about to utter out his 3 favorite words, he finds himself leaning forward to rest his cheek against the warmth of your palm. He allows the pestering tears to fall omly to be caught with your thumbs, shooing them away from his features.

"Let's get you cleaned up."

When your hand pulls away for a short moment, Gojo silently whines at the lost of contact. The tightness in his chest coming back. The feeling of abandonment crosses his head for a second before you placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, holding up the tweezers he had dropped a while ago, "I'm here now."

I'm here now

That was his line. His line for when there was someone in need of help. The line that shimmers hope on the darkest moments of anyone's life. The line of the strongest. The ones who were only truly honored of saying.

Hope. It had a different form today. One that was right in front of him, plucking out every leftover shard on his body with gentleness he never got to witness as a child. The soft cooes and from time to time kisses on his scalp made his senses more focused on there rather than the stinging sensations running through his skin. Exactly how people react when there is hope.

And where there is hope,

"I love you, Satoru."

There is love.

Warm water from the shower cap started pouring down to his tensed muscles, washing out the combined dirt and blood away from him, cleansing his own form of curses that has shaken up his being. When did you finish patching him up? And why wasn't it as painful as it was when he did it?

He watches you move the small container that reeked of the scent of his blood and that inflicted his injuries far from his sight. Immediately, Gojo felt empty once more and was about to call you when you came back holding fresh towels on your hands. "Do you want me to join you?" he couldn't say yes faster than ever, almost as if he was relieved when you offered.

When you had finally stripped yourself off of your clothes and settled in between his long legs, there was nothing but the sound of the shower on echoing in the room with the two of you just staring back to one another.

Too good to be true, you were.

Gojo wanted to speak. Wanted to tell you how thankful he is that you were here to pull him away. To save his life, but all he could do was stare back into the void that of before. He sees the way your hands map around his torso in attempt to rinse him completely. Coming in contact with the old and new scar, softly tracing them as you felt his eyes wonder to yours. There was no sign of disappointment nor a hint of harm or disgust. Only something he never understood that it made him sob unexpectedly, startling you that left you pulling him into your embrace which he latches his face onto your neck and arms surrounding your body whole.

He cries.

All the frustration of not knowing whatever was happening, the mistakes he wishes to correct and the past he hoped to save along with the title he swore to maintain. It all falls on the smaller body he treasures in his arms at this very moment. He clutches, he palms, he roams. Whatever he can do just so he can fully grasp the idea that someone was there. You were there, and he wasn't alone anymore.

"I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough."

It would shock the world and break the hearts of many to hear these very words uttered from the mouth of the honored one. And Gojo wishes that everyone could hear it. That it would somehow reach the skies to wherever his best friend was too. To you, the person he loved the most. He was sorry that he wasn't the Gojo Satoru in your eyes.

"No, Toru. No." you push him back gently only to pull him in for a soft kiss, "I don't need you to always be the strongest. Let alone apologize for being vulnerable." he listens as he nuzzles against the palms meeting his face. The ones that held him together when he was falling apart.

His lips wobbled a bit when you land kisses on his scars, "These may not have been the good ones in your life, but these do not make you for who you are, Satoru." he hums in content when you rub down to his chest soothingly, the feeling that you has him yearning for more. Needing for more, "It's okay to be lost, and it's okay to be weak. But it'll never define you."

"I need you to be just you."

You pull him down, letting him cry all his heart out to your naked chest. He let's you have your way to him. The emotions, words, and treatment. All so unfamiliar. And he finds himself wanting. Needing more.

All his life he thought he had it all.

But never in his life has he lived it.

"What am I, (Y/n)?"

Cooing softly as the small of his voice. Like the child who never got to experience what love was. The child raised to already has to burden such responsibilities and stand. Gojo can feel himself breathe in relief as he whispers an "i love you" with a small kiss on your skin when you uttered out the words that has set his locked up self free. Free from the strings that's been taking over. The cage he was kept from all of his living.

The curse of his gift

And being honored of what he truly deserves.

"You're Gojo Satoru."

Just Gojo Satoru.

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