#some people like to come up with harmful levels of sad stuff

[cosmicallyavg]

ive seen posts that talk about like.. yazs mental health after leaving the doctor and how she would handle it all. and like. yes i agree that she wouldn't handle it well, that she would probably regress a bit, because the main thing that helped her is now gone... but ultimately i think she would pull through and come out the other side? like, she would probably have a few months where she felt like she was 16 again when she wanted to get away from it all, but she has such a great support system now??? her family would look out for her more than they did the first time, she has ryan and graham and dan??? who saw her with the doctor, who saw how amazing yaz is and all of the things she's capable of (especially dan. he was with yaz when she had to take the leadership role and get them out of 1901) and??? she has the companion support group, so she knows so many others who traveled with the doctor, and they can share stories and reminisce. kate more than likely offered her a job at unit, so she has that waiting for her. she has people now who care about her and can help her through whatever tough times might come. and with the doctor, she learned that she's capable of amazing things, that she's smart and brave, that she has worth and is loved. so her growth would mean nothing if she had a bad ending.

plus, she never properly said goodbye to the doctor, so she does still have a glimmer of hope that maybe she will come back. and she has not one. but TWO holograms of her as well. that would always help her keep going too.

and yes, im aware that just because she has a good support system doesn't mean she wouldn't be depressed anymore, but i just don't think it would get to the point that it did before. i wouldn't want it to. and i understand that healing is not a straight line and there is no such thing as 100% healed. but i dont think yaz would just. give up??? some of these posts ive seen have talked about her attempting/committing and i just. really don't like that idea for her. that Yes maybe it would make for some really sad fanfiction but realistically??? i Dont want that. and if that happened it would paint the doctor in a bad light, that someone commited suicide because of them?? like it wouldn't be her fault because she didn't know yaz had those issues, it's not like the doctor did any of the things she did for malicious reasons, she pushed yaz away because she thought it would be less painful. but if anything like that happened it would just feel icky. and then if the doctor ever found out, it would be detrimental to their own mental health. they have enough problems we really don't need to add to it.

i just want yaz to move on and be happy with the things she gained from the doctor, not sad about what she lost. she has So many friends and a family who loves her. and somewhere out there, there's an alien who loves her too. she deserves to be happy.

[eternal-moss]

Christ, the whole Wilbur situation is so fucked. Already the things that are coming out of the woodworks so quickly are so sad.

tw for abuse and misogyny. If you aren’t aware of this yet, Wilbur Soot has been revealed as a prolific abuser

My heart breaks for all the people he’s harmed. I think Shelby was really intelligent in the way that she’s brought this to attention, without naming him. This meant that even though some people denied it or lashed back at her, the repercussions were minimised.

Wilbur responding proved it was him she was talking about, although the details she provided made it so patently clear it was him from the start, it made it so that he had to admit he was the one who had been committing essentially serial abuse on young women by the nature of him responding to the description of the unnamed abuser, although he didn’t mention that it was *multiple women* in his absolutely pathetic excuse of an ‘apology’.

I’ve been thinking about this deeply from pretty much directly the moment after Shubble revealed it really. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever watched any of Shubble’s stuff, and I’ve not watched streamers for a couple of years now, but the courage she had to do this is fucking immense. Wilbur is very well off financially with a massive and loyal fanbase, the influence he has is very large and not to be underestimated. His ‘apology’ reeks of PR pressure, although it fails to meet the mark on all levels of even a basic apology (which is not even the bare minimum in this situation) and omits some very important details.

It’s so sad that abuse and grooming is so common amongst streamers/YouTubers, but the response to this time (from the community) being genuine support instead of victim blaming does make me feel hopeful. Wilbur’s condescension of women and younger ccs is absolutely disgusting. This recontextualises so many moments when he’s been dismissive of and made jokes at women’s expense. What he’s done is abuse and it’s misogyny. He’s picked on people he knows are less able to fight back from all parameters. Misogyny is massive in the gaming scene, and he’s relied on all these women (it really is a lot at this rate, even an ex-trumpeter from Lovejoy) staying silent out of fear.

Shubble saying keeping their silence protected him more than it protected her is very true, and this will absolutely wreck his reputation. Rather, he’s fucked it up himself, and there really is no one else to blame in this situation. The people who knew about it and were subject to this were typically smaller, younger or female streamers. It’s disgusting that he had relied on their silence for so long.

This is a bit of a mess, but ngl so am I. It’s been eating at me for as long as it’s been going on, I found out almost immediately. I was quite a big Wilbur fan for a damn long time, since his early days of streaming (when skyblock randomiser was made etc). I was emotionally invested in his original music and looked up to him a lot.

The worst thing I think is that I resonated with his online interactions with Tommy (which makes me feel vile), and his adoration of Wilbur, always calling him ‘like a big brother’, and it fondly reminded me of me and my younger sibling. Except Wilbur would sometimes do some unexpectedly cruel things. Like stomping on Tommy’s hand and causing it to bleed. That alarmed me at the time, also when he revealed that he was relying on Tommy to talk him out of suicide, which really made me concerned about how healthy their relationship was. The worst thing is, this didn’t surprise me that much at all when it was revealed. Shelby’s descriptions could fit no other person, and it made sense and lined up with his past behaviour, but that doesn’t make it any less wholly awful and horrific.

I wasn’t going to talk about it on this blog, but I just feel angry. Angry for all these people he’s hurt. Angry that he’ll still be living comfortably off of his fanbase for years to come, young people who trusted and idolised him, the vast majority young girls themselves. Angry for Shubble, angry for Niki, angry for the women’s names we don’t know yet, angry for those who had been intimidated into silence. Angry for those who had been abused and brutalised by him. The main thing that’s coming up again and again is the biting, the bruising, the physical abuse, the way they were scared into saying anything, left traumatised by the way they’d been treated. As if that could be brushed off in any way by some disgustingly shallow and self-centred attempt at self preservation of his reputation. Fuck off.

Like Aimsey said, this isn’t some light cancellation from Twitter, these are reprehensible serial misogynistic crimes, and it’s only been days since the initial reveal and hours since his response and the influx of victims speaking up. My heart breaks to know how much more is going to be unearthed.

So yeah this is basically it, I treat this blog mainly as an archive for fan creations of things I like, but also as a collection of my thoughts. I have been unable to stop thinking about this, and I know that I’ve barely talked about mcyt on here, but I was heavily into dsmp and streamers for a long time. Shubble is insanely bloody brave for doing this, I wish them all the best (and the other victims) in recovering from his behaviour, as well as applauding her for the sheer fucking bravery to make the decision to speak up.

***I’ve seen some people saying Shubble uses they/them pronouns, but most people I’ve seen refer to her with she/her. If I find out she doesn’t use she/her I’ll change this post < Shelby uses she/they

[tabithatwo]

Can I ask why you don’t like this new season of yj? No hate or anything, I’m just genuinely curious

I’m so tired and probably won’t be very coherent but that’s okay there’s like six more of these in my asks if I want a second more thorough answer tomorrow lol but a lot of how I feel is in posts on my blog and I’ll just talk mostly 2x08 here. I’ve been hanging on tight until this episode but it has BROKEN me. Like I’m in mourning lol. To anyone who likes it I’m so happy for you I’m not coming for you at all.

But to me the main issue I’ve had is how they have constantly had opportunities to go DARK and SHOW the devolution but they played it very fucking safe (the makeup being the catalyst, Shauna’s birth being truly the safest option possible, like an episode of call the midwife except a fucked up dream happens, etc) and there was no actual build to the level of violence and depravity (or even RELIGION BUILDING) that the card draw sacrifice calls for. The ate Jackie because she was already dead and the wilderness slow cooked her, they were all mourning the baby last episode, they showed us Misty feeling potentially genuine remorse and guilt for Crystal? The “cult stuff” up until now has been mostly fucking dbt techniques and self harm. Yes the shauna lottie last episode was intense but we got absolutely zero follow up on it in any real characterization way for shauna this episode.

Then they kicked us out of the room when the decision was being made and I PROMISE people who think that was a shit move are largely not thinking they needed to explain the card game. It’s about showing your characters in pivotal huge moments. Yellowjackets is advertised and set up in s1 as a psychological horror. I want to see the characters GRAPPLE with things in a psychological horror. Seeing how they got from point a to point b isn’t about understanding the rules of their game, it’s about seeing developed characters reactions to crazy fucking shit.

Instead we get a jump straight into everyone drawing a card and the group deciding to kill one of their two hunters. Would some be on board with no questions asked? sure, but to ask the audience to believe that it just Makes Sense that they landed here after being very fucking relatively TAME all season until that one fight (I was so scared after that scene and no one reacting that this is the jump they were making, based on one moment alone and I was so sad to see it happen lol) is a big ask.

Now add on top of that the way they’re cutting us out of the actual character driven moments. That wasn’t psychological horror, that wasn’t delving into characters psyches like we’ve been promised. It was a thriller moment, change on a dime, maybe for shock value I guess. To me that interim would’ve been a very hard scene to write, a glimpse even of them deciding and reckoning with this belief and darkness in themselves. It’s a large group with a lot to juggle and big messy dynamics. And the easy way out of that is to just not show it at all.

People keep saying “they don’t have time to develop things this season because of side plots.” But they CHOSE to have those side plots in the first place. They’re filling shit in because they don’t WANT to get into the nitty gritty. We watched musical theater and cops and whatever the hell else and whatever. Fine. Sure. But it isn’t that those plots magically overtook some extra brilliant deep moments that they planned on showing with these characters to actually WITNESS their devolution, like s1 set us up to expect. They added them to fill empty space.

I GET that they become brutal. I GET that they devolve. I UNDERSTAND that from moment fucking one. The draw of the show to me is not watching them chase someone. We got that in the first scene. It’s seeing HOW they get there. What has to happen to get them to that place AND how does it impact each main character. Don’t just list the bad things for me. Show me their reasoning and their religion building and their arguing and their giving in. That’s what the real story is to me. Because we just saw them do their first ritual kill, but we didn’t see much more DEPTH to it, with these characters that we’ve now spent 18 episode getting to know, than the pilot already showed us.

1 am ramblings please forgive confusing turns of phrase or typos lol

[hyperactivewhore]

Hi! I just like binge read all of your tvd post and I adore them, I feel like you talk about the Mikaelson the way I feel about them, like I love the characters but they ARE awful and it causes this very push and pull with the way I view them and I'm ngl the fandom doesn't help when I'm trying to acknowledge the pit falls of the characters. that and I can't articulate the way I view characters well and I just really appreciate how multi dimensionally you view them because it really refreshing to see some one put it into words in a way I can't.

I don't know if this is the kind of thing you do or anything but I was wondering if I could ask you your opinion on Kai Parker? I feel like I view him the way I do Klaus and kol in sense. Like obviously he's a bad person but I feel like the level of fucked up he is and why hes that level of fucked up makes him a really interesting and enjoyable character for me, and it's kinda hard for me to say this because I Adore Bonnie Bennett. I personally don't believe liking one character cancels out the liking another but seeing how the fandom acts about it especially how many people will stand by Kia entirely and make Bonnie out to be this monster (because they're racist weirdos point blank.) makes it harder for me to feel comfortable voicing my intrestest in him as a character. Now I do think a lot of factors played into Kai becoming who he is and I can understand why people would empathize with him but I don't think it justifys how weird they are to Bonnie, yk? Idk this wasn't about Bonnie I got carried away but yeah I'd love your option about Kia Parker if you have one. I also understand entirely if you don't like him obviously everyone's entitled to there opinion and he did kill his siblings and stuff, but I'd love to hear your opinion on him regardless if your interested,that is. have a good day/night :)

Hello, love! I'm really glad you do, and I definitely agree. This fandom is very, very strict in which characters you can like and which ones you cannot. It's exhausting, to be honest.

I definitely like Kai, he was the only thing that kept my attention glued to the screen after the Originals left and he made the plot more entertaining. He was funny, downright evil and enjoyable to watch, but he was, at least for me, a very obvious mix between all the main villains/antagonists (Klaus, Damon, Kol, Katherine), and the writers clearly intended for their audience to see him as irredeemable, and this is of course tied to the fact there were no available white women to beacon him into "becoming a better person". Bonnie was around, but for obvious reasons she could never be that woman, though the writers certainly played around bonkai, having Kai have a clear interest in her even after she wasn't the key to make him escape his prison world.

I definitely think Kai had a rough childhood and did not deserve to be isolated, though that obviously doesn't excuse what he did to his siblings, but that's what makes him a good character in my eyes. He was a good antagonist but an awful evil person, the circumstances surrounding why he became that person are tragic and sad, and that's okay, because that's in my opinion exactly what a character like Kai should be. And no, that doesn't excuse what he did to his family either, before anyone thinks that's what I was implying.

Though I do not understand why Kai gets so much hate over the whole "killing children" as if the Mikaelson or the Salvatore had gone through centuries of their lives without harming a single child (Klaus ordered to have his unborn daughter killed, for god's sake), and it's really funny how bonkai is portrayed as this top awful abusive couple when every single ship in tvd is. I definitely get the appeal of Bonnie and Kai, the only thing that prevents me from shipping them is the fact she nearly killed herself because of him, there are a few lines I won't cross when it comes to shipping, sa/rape and suicide are on that list, but people need to stop acting like they're worse than the other more popular couples.

To summarize it, I like Kai a lot, I understand why some other people don't (I do, really!), but nothing justifies what he put his family and Bonnie through.

Thanks for the ask, darling. You have a good day/night too!

[mutable-manifestation]

Red

based on @13thdoodle's drawing Day 4: Red Red Green which is based on this prompt from @danphanwritingprompts.

***

For a long, long time the Fenton parents had been the kooks of Amity Park.

But eventually, ghosts became a known quantity. Suddenly it wasn’t so crazy to believe in ghosts.

Suddenly, Fenton Defense equipment was actually a hot commodity - whatever their eccentricities, they knew what they were doing when it came to working with ectoplasm.

Unfortunately, the Fenton’s also went about shouting theories that were - though it took some time - proven untrue in the eyes of the masses. 

All ghosts couldn’t be evil, not when the Box Ghost - for all he shouted about doom - would float away happily if given a box as a gift. 

Not when the ghost of Sidney Poindexter only ever appeared to cheer up bullied students, and only once in a blue moon - the Fenton boy didn’t seem to receive the same courtesy for all that he was the main target given his habit of stepping in and drawing attention to himself to spare other students (perhaps Poindexter just didn't want to make the necessary multiple-times-a-day appearance that it would take).

Not when Phantom did his best to protect them from the ghosts that truly meant them harm - plenty of the older generation might have fallen for the Fentons’ lies after the incident with the mayor and the circus, but plenty were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Still, whatever people thought of their theories on ghosts’ behaviors and personalities, when it came to simple ectoplasm and biology it was acknowledged that Jack and Maddie Fenton knew their stuff.

Ghost shields worked just like they said they would, their weapons - while poorly aimed - worked just fine in competent hands, and things like ghosts being made purely of ectoplasm seemed to bear out when the ghosts that Phantom fought would - very rarely, ghosts being so much harder to injure than humans - get a scrape and bleed that same neon green.

(The students of Casper High see even more evidence of this when Manson panics at lunch and lipstick-blasts a blob ghost she’d seen out of the corner of her eye. The spray of gore hadn’t appeared to contain anything defined as far as the students could tell through their panic and sadness - thankfully, the blob was able to pull itself back together before zipping away from the incredibly relieved goth.)

And so the facts of life in Amity were thus:

Ghosts are real

Ghosts will attack the city pretty frequently

Phantom will protect Amity from attacking ghosts

Fenton brand ghost equipment is reliable as long as you know exactly what it is meant to do

You will have to ask for details. This is necessary, but you will regret it. Set aside at least 4 hours.

It is best to avoid unknown ghosts until proven safe (either because they are friendly or because they are a Box Ghost level threat).

Ghosts bleed green

And, finally:

7. Despite the number of fights he has been in, whether by skill or sheer dumb luck, Danny Phantom has never bled.

No one ever thought about it, ever wondered.

And why would they? Danny Phantom is dead, and the dead bleed green. No one has to wonder when they already know the answer.

Until the day that Skulker and Technus team up. 

Technus is already captured by the time the cheering crowd appears - familiar enough with Phantom v Skulker fights to see that it is coming to a close and willing to take the newly-decreased risk to get a closer look at their hero in action.

Phantom is already aiming the thermos at a heavily-damaged Skulker when he throws one of he and Technus’ collaborative weapons in a last-ditch effort to escape.

Phantom dodges lower to the ground - the round looks like a net-projectile, he thinks, it should just pass over-head.

It was meant to be an area-of-effect taser. Not that anyone can tell when the haphazardly-assembled device explodes over Phantom’s head just as Skulker is sucked into the thermos.

The crowd screams and reshuffles just out of the way of where Phantom plummets to the ground - they know he can tank a crash, but the explosion is new and worrying. 

The bit of dust clears to Phantom sitting up and holding his head, eyes closed as he groans. 

And then his hand pulls away, and all anyone can focus on is the red, red liquid dripping down his pale face and smeared across his white, white glove and the edge of his hairline.

He stares at his glove, face slack in something like disbelief while the trail of blood curves over his cheek to trail towards his chin and the crowd whispers around him. 

The dead bleed green, the living bleed red. 

Humans bleed red.

And

Is Phantom alive?

At the last, he jolts to attention, slapping on something that is as much a grimace as it is a grin.

“Whaaa-aat? Noooo. This is just paint.” He points at his head as he speaks, rising unsteadily to his feet with his free hand - like gravity matters, like he’s forgotten he can fly. “Why would I bleed red?”

His voice rises too, and the people closest to him - Kwan among them, given Phantom had practically landed on his doorstep - can see the sweat forming on his brow as he speaks. His voice rises to a higher pitch than normal.

The ‘paint’ finally drips to his chin, and falls to splash bright, obvious red-on-white on his collar.

Kwan can just see the cut beyond the blood - where it’s coming from. He pockets his phone and steps forward, worry overtaking any confusion or admiration.

“Phantom-”

Phantom jolts fumbling back a step before his eyes widen and he floats up, into the air like he’d just remembered how.

“Anyway!” Phantom’s voice is practically a squeak and it’s plain to see the tension in every limb. “Gotta go wash off all this paint! Red really isn’t my brand, y’know. Haha. ha.” 

Phantom lives up to his name (does he? Can he? Is he?) and vanishes from sight.

The crowd has all of ten seconds to glance at the specks of red on the ground where he’d landed before an open jug of bleach materializes to fall to its side, contents covering the area.

[diy-fire-water-pups]

Can yall send me encouragement. I recently relapsed in self in*ury and I’m struggling trying to stay clean again

Dude, why would someone do that?!? It makes no sense!!!

Some people feel bad to the point they think they deserve nothing but pain, or something like that... I read about it when I was studying possible cases I could maybe be called for as an EMT.

Still doesn't make any sense to me, that's so untrue!! Why would someone believe that?? I mean, not even bad people deserve anything like that. You shouldn't mistreat yourself like that, Anon!

I don't even know what to say. That caught me completely off guard. I'm not able to process this.

Well... What I can say for now is that it's not worth it. If you're already suffering due to something else, when you do that you just add even more to it, instead of making things better for yourself.

First of all, you need professional help in person, there's not much I could possibly do from over here and I'm just a first responder EMT, not an actual psychologist or psychiatrist. Second, a wrong move and you'll just create even more trouble for yourself and everyone else around you, especially the ones you care about and those who care about you, which is certainly not what you're looking for. Keep that in mind. If not for yourself, then don't do it for them.

Last, but not least, leave everything that can be harmful absolutely out of your reach. Make it all very hard to get, with as many obstacles as you can ever come up with, like it's the most cursed ancient artifact ever created, which no one should not even take a quick glance at. Just the huge trouble and long time spent to get to it should give enough time for your mind to distract with anything else and give up in the meantime. Work some laziness to your favor!

There are alternatives which won't get you in trouble and will keep you clean, if it comes down to it. Play with some ice cubes, or scribble angry or sad stuff down in a paper, then rip it and throw it away. Writing down all your thoughts and then getting rid of the paper with them is good too. It's all psychological play, and you can play this to your favor as well.

Always remember: Your body is yours, you own your thoughts, not the other way around! This is the only body you have, you can't move to a different one if it breaks down, so take good care of it!

Go for a walk around the block where you live. It doesn't need to be a fancy walk in a fancy place like in the movies, just around the block is already something! Sit under the sun for a while - don't forget a sunscreen! Feel the warmth of it. Stand in the rain for a couple minutes and then have a nice warm shower, wrap yourself in comfy blankets and go watch some cartoon that makes you happy. Forget complicated series or movies, go for the easy to understand stuff, preferably something you've already watched before, because as you already know how it ends, you won't work yourself into anxiety by wondering what's coming next. Your brain needs some down time too! Get yourself a tasty snack. Stop checking the news about the world for a while, most of them are currently tragic and you need some "you time", get it? Call a friend over to just spend time together, play a light game (avoid online games with toxic players), or go over to someone else's house. Changing the air you breathe and seeing different things is always good for getting those thoughts out of your mind too, as it'll get you distracted.

There are just lots of simple things you can do and enjoy, rather than wasting time with that. Sometimes even just sleeping through an entire day is a good start, just don't stay in bed forever, otherwise it might go up to a depressing level! Make good and necessary things easier for yourself, like leaving a water bottle somewhere next to your bed or desk, so you don't need to go all the way to the kitchen for some water. Gotta stay hydrated or your brain will start eating itself out!

Wait, that actually happens?

Sort of. The cells shrink when they're dehydrated and it causes damage to cognitive functions, memory loss, brain fog, stuff like that. You can't think clearly, nor make clear decisions at all. And no, Zuma, salt water doesn't count as keeping yourself hydrated, before you even ask. The salt absorbs the water in your body and the effects will be even worse if you don't get yourself some fresh water constantly.

No wonder Ryder always made me carry a big water bottle in my hovercraft. Anyway, I hope you'll feel better soon, Anon. I don't know if it's any help at all, but I like to remember that after every bad storm, there's always a rainbow to appreciate. And even when the storm takes a very long time to pass, you can remember that above it, there's no storm at all, it's all peace and quiet above the stormy clouds. It's like that one song... "Behind the clouds, the sun is shining! Believe me, even though you can't quite make it out! You may not see the silver lining, but there's a big blue sky waiting right behind the clouds!"

Wow, you got Zuma to sing just like that. Anyway, same here, I hope you'll get help and recover well. That's totally messed up... Please don't do that ever again, stop lying to yourself to such a point!

[vicsy]

are u okay vic? sending love xx

(hateful ppl only have hate in their sad lives and try to bring everyone else down to their depressing level, don’t listen them!!)

frankly, anon? no, i am not.

and if you think about it, it's incredibly stupid to be all torn up because of a fucking sport I watch for general enjoyment but what else is new? i got into f1 when life hit the absolute possible low for me and it helped me immensely through it all, still does, and i found so many friends and wonderful people and i started writing again. it's pure fucking escapism coming back to bite me in the ass.

it hasn't been great to be an f1 fan lately because of events I don't need to be recapping - it's all out there in its disgusting glory, all over social media every single day. we're just being reminded of how rotten the core of this sport is and how high of a role money and power play. it's not new but disappointing nevertheless, considering there isn't much we can do to try and fix that.

but the hate among us, the fans? it's getting out of hand.

i will never go out on my way to police anyone's behaviour (it is never justified) but clearly there is a line between haha jokes and pure fucking malice. there is having genuine, critical conversations you can have (recently had one with my close friend and it was so refreshing to talk instead of secretly talk shit) and using this sport as a yardstick to measure someone's morals. it's been happening more and more, considering recent comments made by drivers in regards to the ongoing case that deals with harassment. that opened a can of worms that made ALL of us unhappy and even more disappointed, in one way of another. there is expressing genuine opinion and then there is being a hater because it's a trend.

are all Charles fans insane? are all Daniel fans delusional misogynists? are all Lando fans insufferable pricks? are all Max fans outright racists? are all Lewis fans stuck up? I could go on and same sentiment goes for each team on the grid. can we rightfully define someone by who they are a fan of? are we all required to make a statement each time a driver says/does something mindnumbingly stupid in order to, god forbid, not get cancelled along with that driver? can we genuinely bring a driver up without shitting on the other or is it not mutually exclusive?

there has been a barrage of hate towards several drivers and i get it, i do, it's sports, we're always gonna get like this. it's the whole spirit of it. i am not saying we can't root for someone and talk shit about the other. but again, i am seeing the waves of hate getting bigger and bolder, assumptions being made on the spot. people openly calling each other stupid over being fans or having a different opinion. in some ways any sense of compassion and critical thinking is dead in a ditch.

it wasn't like this before, if i am honest, but i am also a rather new fan. i am seeing all sorts of stuff on my dash both from people i don't know and from people i do know. it's a knee jerk reaction, to go and judge someone by posts and stuff, i know it but i made myself not do that. but i am just afraid of this ongoing trend of hate. i really am.

it just seems like there is no margin for error. your fave can either be squeaky clean, completely unproblematic, or they should be shot on sight. it doesn't matter if any of us acknowledge it or not. for some reason, it's a "you are what you eat" situation. and i find it rather unfair. you can separate person and a driver. two things can be true at once etc etc. none of it warrants wishing actual harm on other people.

so yeah, sorry for a rant. i'll stop now and, for what it's worth, i have been trying to unlearn the ways of "people pleasing", so here are just my thoughts that i don't think many will agree with but i don't want to bend under whatever popular opinions circulate here (especially by "big blogs"). i'd rather have people talk to me personally and i am always open to having a conversation, making friends and discussing opinions. those at the head of f1 management don't seem to do better but us tearing each other apart can also mean that we aren't doing any better, too. at least i personally think so. don't take my word as a generalized opinion.

thank you for the message, anon, i appreciate it. sorry again to be Like That. big hug!

[watercolor-hearts]

[Kinky shopping-talk]

Guys.

I'm in a Discord server and there's another cardiophile and Flavy (Esteban's girlfriend) posting her new(?) stethoscope in Instagram story brought up a bit of kinky talk about stethoscopes and pulse oximeters and manual blood pressure cuffs and cardiophilia and medical kink, and some people said that the pulse oximeter is really comfortable to wear and they really like it and it made me realize that it's probably the cheapest kinky device for a cardiophile and I still don't have it even though I discovered my cardiophilia in 2016 and have bought some stuff since then. So I was like okay, time to spend some money. 😃

And then someone talked about having a manual blood pressure cuff and actually knowing how to use it (Goddddd this is a so fucking sexy skill) and it made me realize that even though I have a thing for blood pressure measuring, I don't have a manual blood pressure cuff, only a digital. So it was time buy one of those, too.

These were the things I originally wanted.

But.

One the webshop I found these things there were other medical equipment, too, and Guys, I usually don't talk about the dark side of my cardiophilia but now I will a bit because I found something there that's a really, really old dream of mine and it was cheaper than I thought it'd be. (I never looked it up because I thought it was insanely expensive like most medical equipment.) I obviously added it to the cart because God, dream come true honestly. And it'll do no harm because I don't have the devide that'd make it work (and I don't even want it), plus I don't want to mess with my heart, I just want the sensation of those things. (I honestly don't know if it's a good idea to write the name of it here because dark cardiophilia is a really risky thing to talk about and I don't want anons about how disgusting I am.)

Another thing that's the cardiophile dream for me is the EKG. Especially the stickers on the chest but to be honest the whole EKG thing, hearing/seeing how different things affect the heart rate, things like that. But for some reason the stickers on the chest alone are so fucking aesthetic foe me... I thought I'd check if there were stickers and leads (because I know the monitor is insanely expensive so that's just not an option, obviously), and there were different types of stickers and suction cups and things like that and I almost bought some but I really needed the wires for it and those were really, really expensive (I was actually surprised at it), especially the 6-12 lead ones, so yeah, I couldn't buy it. It stays a dream. (But next time I might buy a 3-lead, that's still better than nothing.)

All of these are really nice and fun but after you pay for these things and get the confirmation email, you just sit there, realizing that you were shopping like you have someone to use these things with and you live in your own apartment/house so the sounds aren't a problem. But in reality you're single and you don't live alone so you can rarely use things that give sound. So yeah, this is the less pleasant side of kinky life. (And even if you have a partner, it doesn't guarantee that they'll engage in your kinky things (in a level you'd want them to.))

Sorry it turned sad-ish by the end. I'm still happy but I really wish I had a partner. 😃

[chounaifu]

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

[missizzy]

New Fic: All Five, Part 17 (Star Wars Prequels)

(Read entire fic on AO3)

For the second morning in a row, the two of them went to have firstmeal in Obi-Wan's quarters. He'd managed to get his hands on some modu fruit, which Master Jinn had developed a taste for in the past few years, though Anakin got the impression this hadn't been the first time he'd offered it to his former Master. The whole thing felt all together too relaxed, given what was coming up both immediately and in the likely near future.

Anakin had a lesson that morning, far enough away that he was a bit surprised when both men insisted on walking with him. It did make him feel more protected, and while he still usually felt safe within the Temple from anyone who actually wanted to hurt him, he thought it reduced the number of the side-eyes he'd been getting his entire time as Padawan, but much more in recent months. Recently Obi-Wan had scolded some of the offenders, which Anakin had thought had even stopped a few of the younger ones completely.

The two of them mostly talked to each other, and mostly about the nature of the Force and some research done thousands of years ago that they had found it interesting to read through lately. Anakin had never been very good at following that stuff, and he sure wasn't going to manage it that morning, so he mostly tuned it out-until Master Jinn suddenly remarked, "Since that day the Council first called the five of us together, I have often thought of something written by one of the more philosophical Jedi of the time."

"Oh dear," laughed Obi-Wan, but there was something off about it, like he didn't find it funny at all.

And Master Jinn looked more sad than anything else as he said, "I know, but it sticks with me more than ever, now. 'The truly terrible thing about this kind of rage and resentment is it does not settle for harming the causes or supposed causes of the grievance, or even them and the one wielding the rage and violence, but, most times, all those around them. Even if it does not seem to at the time, the fire and ash of the fallout will burn and scar all they touch in time.'"

"Darth Maul's rage would hit a lot of people, then," said Anakin. "I mean, he might be especially after us, but he's also after all of the Jedi, right?"

"The Sith certainly all are," Obi-Wan agreed. "And I do wish we had some idea of who the Master is."

"Do we really have none?" Anakin asked, as the thought occurred to him, not for the first time, that Master Dooku might be. Obi-Wan seemed to think he wouldn't be able to hide that in the Temple, but they still didn't know a lot about the Sith, and what they could do.

Still, Obi-Wan said very firmly, "None whatsoever, I fear. Unless the Council hasn't told me something."

"They haven't told me it, either," Master Jinn added. "But I suppose they wouldn't tell me, would they?"

"Regretting defying the Council so many times, Master?" Obi-Wan asked, though he was smiling slightly.

"Even if he has," said Anakin, "they should tell us something like that. What if that Master decided to specifically target us too for some reason? Unless they've just told Master Windu, but he should still tell us, then."

"Honestly, Padawan," Master Jinn replied, "I don't truly think-"

But he was cut off by a young voice yelling, "Master Jinn! Knight Kenobi! Padawan Skywalker!" Octus Kon, who had been Padawan to a certain Master Kolg for a couple years now, came running up to them. "There's been news...I don't know...you're needed in the Council chambers right now!"

"Well, hopefully they are telling us whatever they know now," said Master Jinn as they hurried after Octus towards the lift.

Octus himself was going to rejoin his Master, who was currently on one of the Temple's higher levels, which meant he accompanied them for most of the ride. That did away with any chance of them resuming their earlier conversation. Even after Octus wished them luck and got off, there wasn't enough time to say much, so they didn't try.

They got there to find the full Council assembled, including a holographic Master Windu. "What's going on, Master Windu?" Anakin asked immediately. "Where's Padme?"

"Still in Tanzer, which I have not yet reached," Master Windu, "Allow me to explain in a moment."

That didn't really tell him anything, Anakin thought, but there wasn't time to respond. They were now in the center of the chamber, and Master Yoda was saying, "News, he has, for the three of you. Quick, this must be. Paused, his transport is, but he cannot stay outside it long."

"I got word of what you found out, and then I started talking to a few of my fellow travelers. Turns out one of them might know who your Master Kolut's in contact with. Unfortunately, if he's right, it means that the Sith have connections not only to this planet's underbelly, but a bunch of their authorities as well. At least those of Colorpa and Tanzer, because their law enforcements seem to have an unofficial ban on investigating anything involving the Epostulates, which is not the kind of corruption you typically see in those kind of organizations. My new friend swears Tanzer's databanks has at least a couple weeks' worth of communications between him and someone called Tzatsar."

"And you trust this source enough to go breaking local laws?" inquired Master Gallia.

"Not quite," said Master Windu. "Although I do think it likely this man genuinely believes what he's told me at the very least. What concerns me more is what I then heard about this Tzatsar from a completely different source. He's apparently employed in the town security, and likely in position to be responsible for the gaps in the public entrance and exit record I was able to view after that conversation. The latest of which is from ten hours ago.

I was initially planning to get to Tanzer and discuss this with my Padawan before I brought it up with anyone else. But now that I'm getting close, I'm sensing a very powerful, very dark presence in the city. Powerful enought that I think it likely to be our Sith Lord."

"And Padme's there by herself, with two civilians to protect?" Anakin burst out.

"Calm, my Padawan," his Master urged, and his hand was gentle on Anakin's shoulder. Normally it would've worked perfectly. But it had been harder recently, as he'd gotten older and more aware, the past few months and past couple of days had taken their toll, and the thought of Padme in that kind of danger, and the Master who was supposed to protect her not there, would never be something he could just shrug off.

Still, he tried, if only because Master Jinn was right there, and he really wanted to be good for him, especially in front of the Council. He did manage to control himself enough to keep standing there without saying anything else, his limbs only twitching a little-though he supposed the Council noticed that anyway.

Master Windu hadn't reacted at all. He was as calm and as cold as ever. "...would likely enter the city by then, and if she's figured out an easy way to get in contact with Ruuger's City, she might even stay there. It may be our best chance to get the Sith to come to us away from all of his minions, if the three of you can get here fast enough."

If they could get there...that meant they were going there. That got rid of Anakin's anger right away. In fact, he didn't even feel any fear right away, so strong was his relief and joy at the thought they were finally getting out and doing something, that they were getting to Padme, and they were finally going to fight this menace they'd both been so scared of together.

"Calm," he heard Master Jinn whisper, though gently, before he said, "So if we are going, how fast are we going? Within the hour?"

"Manage that, can we?" asked Master Yoda, and the conversation was given over to the logistics of how quickly they could get the three of them on their way. That did make Anakin feel much calmer. It was always easier for him when the plans were being made, when he had the way forward to focus on.

He would've felt even better, of course, if they had been able to go within the hour, but between one thing and another, it ended up being two. Anakin even ended up attending most of his lesson, though he didn't think he'd remember all that much about it later. He headed directly for the shuttle bay after it, and had been there for a few minutes, doing random checks on their ship's engine, when he heard Master Jinn and Obi-Wan coming up the ramp, their voices oddly soft and warm as they spoke words Anakin didn't quite catch.

Anakin was furthered surprised when they came in, and he saw Master Jinn was carrying what looked like an official missive tablet from the Supreme Chancellor's office, the kind that could only be opened with the recipient's thumbrint or similar, and held it out with a, "For you, Anakin, from Chancellor Palpatine. I've been given the impression it's not too urgent a message, but, well, from the way the aide who delivered it the Temple spoke, it felt like they knew we were about to leave Coruscant, and he wanted you to have this before then."

"Do you think the Council decided to speed notify him?" Anakin asked. They might have, he supposed, if only because the Sith were a pretty big threat to the galaxy in general. But it really wasn't common for them to bother with it this quickly.

But Master Jinn and Obi-Wan exchanged a look, and they looked kind of doubtful, even as Obi-Wan said, "Maybe."

"In any case," said Master Jinn, "if you want to read the missive right now, you certainly can. We can wait to depart if it's a short one, or Obi-Wan can fly us out."

"You want me to pilot?" Anakin asked, all other thoughts flung aside in his excitement. It wasn't surprising, since in the missions just before they'd gone to ground in the Temple had at some point or other typically had Master Jinn drilling him through everything in the cockpit, which had felt like the last step before that. But still.

Both of them were hovering over Anakin as he got into the pilot's seat. But Master Jinn was smiling, and Obi-Wan looked encouraging as well, and the feelings Anakin could sense from both of them were nothing but encouraging.

He maybe couldn't help but remember for a moment, that first terrifying time in the co-pilot's chair besides Padme, on the night they'd all of them fled the Temple for their lives. He pushed that aside as he breathed in, put his mind on the here and now, just as Master Jinn had worked so hard to teach him. He didn't remember enough of the piloting itself from that night, really, for this not to count as his real first time doing this.

It maybe wasn't the hardest thing, taking off from a recently built shuttle bay where things had been built to make it easy; Master Jinn might have even arranged them to be in this one. Still Anakin had to weave the ship through the other ships in the bay, the handful of droids, a couple of them in the air, and even one worker of a particularly tall species who he needed to avoid getting too near to to avoid hurting his ears. He skirted the bay ceiling just before reached the entrance, dipping down just under the top of the door.

"Go over the traffic stream," Master Jinn instructed. That wouldn't have been Anakin's first choice, but at least he wasn't making him fly as part of it, which was really stupid for a spaceship, but some Masters insisted on it for the first time piloting. Going with the traffic, either in or just above it, until you reached a specific point to move up through the atmosphere, made one much less likely to collide with anything.

As their vessel coasted into position, Coruscant's intraplanetary vehicles swarming about fifty feet below, Anakin, seeing them there, found himself feeling how high up they were mix with a new sense of the power he knew to be contained within the ship he flew. Even at his speed this slow, he could feel the air, the very space around them, give way to its twist and turns, to every move he made with it, and he could almost feel the potential in it, as if it were another version of the Force.

He knew well that most Jedi would tell him the power of a spaceship was nothing compared to the Force. And he didn't even think that wasn't true. But this, a thing not just given, not just generated by life, but created by people's ingenuity, that was special all on its own.

And so was this feeling of rightness, one he was very sure he hadn't felt when he and Padme had been fleeing, that Anakin felt now with his hands at the pilot's controls, one that had to come partly from the Force, but maybe not entirely.

All those feelings only increased when they reached the most ideal point, and even in the split second before Master Jinn gave the word Anakin was already moving to rise the ship up, and up, steadily increasing power and speed to reach escape velocity. By the time they reached the ionosphere, Anakin was soaring in almost every way, and he thought he could even hear space calling to him-a new, unexpected allure. Space had never appealed to him before then; it had always been so empty. But it was different when he was facing it at the controls, when it was something he was instead taking on with all the power of a ship beneath his hands.

He even felt it when the ship at last broke free of Coruscant's gravitational field and soared into open space. Moving between the craft in orbit-the ship could make lightspeed by itself, so they didn't need anything there, Anakin felt his excitement settle down a little, as he sank into needed concentration, but still his heart fluttered.

It wasn't surprising, and he only felt a little disappointed, when Master Jinn came up and gently moved him aside. "This won't be the easiest of hyperspace flights," he said to him, "and not one I would have you do as your first."

So Anakin gave way to him, and went into the corner of the cockpit, and opened the missive pad from the Chancellor. In it he read:

Padawan Skywalker:

You may be surprised that I am sending a message specifically to you, and not to your Master. But in fact, I have things to say for your eyes and ears only. I hope he will have enough respect for your basic privacy that he will not insist on reading it. Although I'm afraid if he asks you what this is about, I shall have to ask that you tell him only that I should like to see you again at some time in the future, for you made a very good impression on me. That is, of course, true. However, I also feel the need to drop you a hint that I could not in your Master's presence. Though I have great respect for and no true ill to speak of Master Jinn, every being that has ever lived in this galaxy, even a Jedi, will have biases towards those dear to him, will find it difficult to believe wrong of them. I have met with just about every member of the Jedi Council at some point since I have become Chancellor, and they have all spoken of him at some point. Not always positively, perhaps; I have been given to understand he clashes with them a great deal. But he has known most of them since he was a Padawan, thanks to his old Master's acquaintances, and I have seen the friendships he shared with more than one of them. And that leaves out those of them he grew up with, including Master Windu. So while I should not mind meeting with the both of you in general again, I should also like it if, perhaps, the two of us could also at some time meet informally. I am sure that once the danger that threatens you two in particular and your three friends has been dealt with, you will have some freedom of movement on Coruscant again. Master Jinn does not strike me as the type of Master who insists on knowing where their Padawan is and whom they meet with at all times. I shall not ask for such a thing, of course, until it is relatively safe for you to go wandering around the planet. I greatly hope that it soon will be, for all of your sakes, and even, perhaps for the sake of the Jedi Order.

Your friend, hopefully, Sheev Palpatine

Master Jinn wasn't going to ask any questions about anything right now, of course, because he was too busy flying the ship. Anakin turned the pad off, and tried to nonchalantly put it aside.

It all made sense, of course. The Chancellor wouldn't have any reason to suspect Master Dooku, so he would be more worried about the more obvious candidates. But either way, he was right. Anakin would have to figure out how to conceal this from his Master, because it was always harder to do that with important things, though maybe he could enlist Obi-Wan's help if he really had to. Or Padme's, maybe, but being Master Windu's Padawan meant she might have the same problem as Master Jinn in how well she probably knew the Council, and she'd never defied them.

Really, he thought, Master Windu was obviously a great and powerful Jedi, but his being Padme's Master had been the reason for a lot of problems lately. But he didn't know how she'd react to anyone saying that to her. Anakin was going to have to be careful about that. He felt torn about whether he should show her this message or not.

She should probably become a knight after all this, anyway. Anakin had heard a couple comments from both his Master and from Obi-Wan, suggesting that might actually happen if they faced the Sith, possibly with her not even having to take the trials. That wouldn't work for him because he wasn't old enough-that had been made very clear to him-but she might be, if only just. But that, too, was probably up to Master Windu.

Meanwhile, he'd already been planning to keep a closer eye on the Master, so he could keep on doing that. He definitely didn't think he had anything to do with the Sith, but it might even be a good idea to make absolutely sure of it.

Not Long After That, in Tanzer

By the time she and her master reunited, Padme had separated from Nyder and Clistara, judging they'd be safer away from her. She'd put them in rooms in two different buildings, albeit two buildings close enough she could get from one to the other quickly if need be.

Master Windu let her hug him when he entered the inn room where she'd holed up herself. In fact, she was pretty sure his own arms tightened around her, and she could tell from the sigh he let out that he was deeply relieved to have found her in one piece.

He even said to her, "Well done, my Padawan," before asking for the full account of everything that had happened since they'd split up. His critique of her was pretty much what she had expected. Most of his suggestions about her interactions with the various civilians she'd talked with were even helpful. He didn't even bother scolding her for her brief forays off the mission in Alopi; he knew by now he was never going to get her to not do such things. Besides, it had been significant to know there had been people in that city looking for him.

(It wasn't like on Falsine, where she'd blown the cover on a carefully orchestrated operation, and might have made the ongoing civil war worse if her Master's cleverness hadn't managed to instead turn it to their advantage. Or those times where she'd been more of a hindrance than a help; she would still feel embarrassed if she ever had to go back to Morgos Prime.)

When they were done with that discussion, they moved on to what to do next. Between one thing and another, they would likely have a couple of days before their three companions reached this area of the planet. What Padme would've most liked to do during those days was get Nyder and Clistara put somewhere else, where any fighting or other dangerous things were less likely to take place. Master Windu was very much in favor of that as well, but he wasn't sure how it could be done. Even if they just put them on a train to the planet's far side, there was no knowing how likely they were to be followed.

"And we can't devote all our energy to it, of course," said Master Windu, after they had gone through the options there and found major problems with all of them. "Once there are the five us here, the Sith will come for us immediately if we're lucky, and throw all his assets at us in a rapid rush before coming himself if he's smarter about it. We have to make sure we scout out as much as possible before the others arrive."

"I know," said Padme, because she did.

He also wanted to talk to both her companions before they made any decisions about them. Padme took him to Nyder first. When he first saw Master Windu, he very nearly backed into the far wall, heedless of her "It's okay, it's just my Master." But Master Windu was used to dealing with those that had merely turned skittish, and he soon got him telling his story.

He finished with a speech about how he'd wanted to help, but he was getting scared, and he thought maybe he'd like to go now, if they thought they might not need him. It was short enough for Master Windu to wait it out, before he said, "I can gain you entry into a refugee resettlement center elsewhere in the galaxy, and give you credits to get there. If you wish to go immediately I will chart a certain, more roundabout way for you, where there will be nooone to track you. But you will have to travel alone. We cannot accompany you right now. If you prefer our protection, you will have to wait at least a few days."

"Oh, I don't think I have to run that far," he told him. "Maybe just spend some time on this planet's other side for now. I don't need your help getting there." But his manner softened when he turned to Padme and said, "I know you've saved my life, though, and I really am grateful for that." It was a thanks she never would've demanded from him, but was deeply glad to get.

Their goodbyes were genuinely warm when they parted ways, probably for good, about an hour later, with his itinerary booked and the credits he'd ultimately accepted transferred. Padme felt the best she had in weeks, at least.

That lasted until about five minutes into their meeting with Clistara. Arguably, it could've gone much worse. She wasn't even openly hostile, or rude, to Master Windu. But Padme knew very quickly that he would never let her travel away from here unobserved, the way they'd let Nyder leave. And by the time he'd spent way too long trying to wrestle any information about how she'd been recruited by Maul's followers out of her, Padmé just wished the interview would end, because it had become painful for her to watch. When it finally did, the polite way Master Windu told Clistara they'd come back that evening made her want to outright slap him.

He knew she already knew what his decision was, so as soon as they were away from the building, he said, "We're going to need to move her to the far end of the city. We can't keep her in any one place for too long, especially with Nyder having also been here."

Padme wanted very badly to protest. But she didn't know what to do as an alternative that he would accept. Honestly, she didn't think any of the ideas she had were at all good ones anyway.

He at least let her pick where they put her, with only a reminder that the building's security had to be the priority. She settled on a place right by a transit station, with people flowing in and out so fast Clistara would just be one more of them. They did a quick scout of it, of course, and it looked all right. Though they had to spend most of their scouting time in the parts of the city their actual mission was likely to involve, so they didn't stay as long as she might have liked.

And the truth was, Padme found herself distracted and not at her best the entire evening. She wasn't even sure of the full reasons why. It was probably a combination of having to watch her Master barrage Clistara, thinking of her spending who knew how long trapped in another room, and also the current situation in general, and obviously the general feeling of darkness around didn't help. For much of it Master Windu didn't say anything, but ultimately, he had to give her, "Keep your focus, Padme. This may be the time in our lives where we can least afford to lose it."

So she tried to keep it, she really did. And she and Master Windu together did get the information they needed. But while he didn't make any further remarks about being disappointed with her performance that night, he didn't really need to.

[respectthepetty]

I FOLLOW THE TRASHY PATH BECAUSE I TOO HAVE TRASH TASTE PETTY but even though on every level except physical I am a radioactive possum swimming through the hazardous waste dumpster that is life, living in hardcore ignorance doesn’t sound half bad actually. I skipped right to Close to You after Trapped and that was definitely the move I loved Close to You so so so much. BLISSFUL IGNORANCE IT IS

Anon, I want to watch Absolute Zero, but I'm very afraid of how it will pan out, and Only Friends and I Feel You Linger in the Air are already staring at me each week ready to beat me up outside with bottles of Oishi green tea, so I completely understand skipping out on even the slightest hint of a painful experience. However, I'm completion-ist. Therefore, even if I see the pain coming, I must finish the series once I begin it.

I was very quiet watching Eternal Yesterday, Something in My Room, and Kissable Lips last year because I could feel the pain coming, yet I still finished them.

This is why I like trash.

Even if there is pain, at least it'll be a fun ride. HIStory 5: Love in the Future had the possibility of the leads being split up due to time traveling reasons, but there was a tiny man with UFOs on his suit who was trying to kill one of the second pair's guys by locking him in a freezer, and I secretly lived for it.

We all know Yi and Diao are going to end up together in Naughty Babe, but I'm loving this adventure so much more than Cutie Pie all because of a terrible CGI tiger.

I've watched and forgotten more tragic queer content than most people have even heard of, so when I sit down to enjoy my international BLs, I want pendejos. I want dramatics. I want trash.

AND NO PAIN!

I know sad stuff is some people's jam and butter. No hate and no shade. To each their own. Which is why I'm thrilled to exist in this era of BL riches. There is something for everyone, and there is plenty of happy trashy shows for me to enjoy weekly.

. . .

But know that if y'all could see my face sometimes watching this sad stuff, I'd look like Chadwick Boseman did at the 2019 Oscars when Green Book beat Black Panther for Best Picture because I think writers feel offering up queer trauma somehow legitimatizes their work in a way they believe queer joy doesn't because mainstream media has taught us we must detail the ways in which societal norms have harmed us in order to be accepted by the people who continue to uphold those norms.

But anywho,

I like trash.

[rainofaugustsith]

That post where someone used AI to finish Keith Haring's final piece, "unfinished painting," really, really got me like a punch in the gut. Maybe it's because I was a wee thing during the AIDS epidemic and grew up wearing a red ribbon on my coat. Maybe it's because I knew people personally affected by AIDS. Maybe it's because the deaths of people like Keith Haring, Ryan White, Ariel Glaser and Freddie Mercury from AIDS stayed with me. But just - you don't. You. Fucking. Don't.

Keith Haring did not simply leave the painting behind. He wanted it that way.

Yeah, the original story behind the piece was "sad." THAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT. It WAS sad that someone who was 31 years old died of a virus the government had made it clear they didn't give a fuck about researching, because oh, it seemed to affect gay men (the original name that a lot of people used was "Gay Related Immune Deficiency" if there's any doubt there) and they didn't care when that demographic died. It WAS sad that kids with HIV were harassed out of school and had to get court orders to attend in some cases, that adults with HIV lost their jobs and became pariahs because they had HIV/ADS, and that when people died of AIDS a lot of undertakers wouldn't even take their bodies. It WAS sad that so many people with AIDS were abandoned by their families and left to die completely alone, without even hospital staff comforting them. It WAS sad that people with AIDS often kept it a secret as long as they could because if anyone knew, it would cause immeasurable harm to them and their families.

HIV/AIDS now has treatments that can reduce viral load to undetectable levels. People with HIV and AIDS can live long lives. That's not everywhere in the world, BTW. But it only got that research and development and was taken seriously because AIDS activists put their blood, sweat and tears into it, and made sure that the legislators could not ignore them. This stuff isn't a secret. It's not ancient history. People who were involved with AIDS activism wrote books, made films and documentaries, sang songs, took photos, and so many of them are out there ready for you to read. People who remember and survived the AIDS epidemic are very much alive, including some who miraculously got through the 80s and 90s with HIV.

Keith Haring's final piece represents the loss of life, the loss of potential, the fact that someone who made glorious images come to life was now stopped in his tracks. It has always looked to me as though the painting is crying. Don't know if that's what he intended, but it's how it came across to me. Not just his tears, the sorrow of the entire situation was there on that canvas.

Any of of his friends could have finished his piece, if that was what he wanted, or what they felt was right. To feed it into AI and finish it is to erase all of the emotion this picture was created with.

So here's how it's supposed to be.

[the1975attheirverybest]

I get that it upsets people to think about Matty possibly falling out with someone he was (seemingly) close with, but if I got online and saw people pitying me like that I’d commit a crime. Like you said, it dehumanizes him. He’s so patient and respectful with us, all he expects is the same patience and respect back. He already gives so much of himself to us, through his art and just daily interactions, no one should think they’re entitled to anymore than he’s willing to share. He’s literally talked multiple times about how he struggles with fame and how much the press fucked with him as a child, he was famous before but one month hanging around TS and suddenly he’s everywhere, it’s just sad to think that his own fans are participating in it.

It’s literally just gossip, but if it’s true, it doesn’t concern us. Friendships end all the time, people grow apart, shit happens. If all this TS stuff never happened no one would be questioning why he didn’t make it to the wedding.

It’s also disappointing because he JUST came back to socials. All this shit (starting with the TikTok) starts up and suddenly he’s gone again. Yeah, I’m sure it has to do with the breaks they’ve had and him spending time in LA, but part of me wonders if he just doesn’t feel like interacting with fans online when he doesn’t have to. I know he comes and goes all the time, but either way, he sees all of this bullshit and fans know it. Theories about his personal life should be kept in DMs (or preferably in their heads).

I know people send you dumb shit but you’re one of the few people I’ve seen actually shut it down, or give a logical, reasonable explanation. I’m also loving Reddit right now since the mods delete any speculation about his personal life.

Anyways, this ended up being way too long, and it’s also me being a hypocrite for speculating, but these past few months have been exhausting, I thought it would let up after May. I know he’s a celebrity but he’s not like most celebrities. He interacts with us like we’re on the same level, he willingly spends time in online fan spaces, he goes out his way to make us happy. Sorry for ranting in your inbox, but this all just bums me out.

Yes I strongly agree with this, especially his social media presence because I’ve seen the shit that people tag him in. And it’s insane. He’s got thick skin and a healthy detachment from peoples views of him but he’s still a human being. It can’t always be easy.

I don’t think we appreciate his love for his job and his fans enough. Some days in May were REALLLYYY hard for him. Twice he had to go onstage and perform less than an hour after some nasty articles were being published about him. I love my job and my students more than I love myself. I would do it for free if the university didn’t pay me. But I don’t know if I would be able to keep it together if I were in Matty’s shoes. And sometimes he was the one talking us down. “I’m still here and I love you guys.” “Some people they have people. I have you guys.” C’mon! How does it not feel awful participating in behavior that hurts him or is in any way shape or form harmful towards an artist like that? He’s so good to us and goes above and beyond all the fucking time. And he’s spoken so much about how important it is to him that he connects with people and builds this sense of community cuz it’s a way to combat the doom and gloom of our current state. He’s always open and generous and kind. He’s given stage props to fans. He’s had a fan onstage to play guitar for robbers. He’s played songs that were not on the setlist just cuz people have requested them and he’s humble enough to feel that the show is about the audience not about him, so he will go out of his way to give the audience the best time that he can possibly give. and his own fuckin fans are doing this to him??? Unacceptable. and I’m so tired of it. This fandom is way better than this. We never used to do this kind of thing. We should cut this shit out before it becomes permanent.

[lultimagoccia]

get to know the mun ! very long post, under readmore.

name / alias. castoro.

are you over 18 ? yes. no.

WRITING.

are you selective about who you write with ? no (anyone.) semi (most people.) yes (some people.) highly (few people.) private.

are you selective about who you follow ? no (anyone.) semi (most people.) yes (some people.) highly (few people.)

if your muse is canon, how much do you adhere to canon ? not at all. a little. some. mostly. strictly. not applicable.

see this one feels like an ' it's complicated ' because i do try to use the information presented in the game / comics / old lore doc / cut dialog sequences / ic tweets / concept art as the groundwork of my portrayal, but i don't like. treat pepp like a video game / cartoon character? i know a big part of pt is the game mechanics so i incorporate those as much as i can, but it's not a thing i lean into a lot

what post lengths do you write ? one - liners. single - para. multi - para. novella. all of the aforementioned.

do you use icons and/or gifs ? no. gifs. icons. yes. sometimes.

do you write on other platforms ? no. yes.

my discord is available to people i write with!

what level of plots do you write ? unplotted. open - ended plots. semi - plotted. fully plotted epics. all of the aforementioned.

i generally prefer to have an idea to work off of and MAYBE some details that'll happen along the way. but overall i like when things happen organically, in whatever way feels right to the story.

how quickly do you usually respond to threads ? very slow (more than a month.) slow (3 - 4 weeks.) average (1 - 2 weeks.) fast (less than one week.) very fast (less than three days.) depends on my motivation, this can make it range from days to weeks.

really varies as of late due to varying levels of energy / motivation.

what types of themes do you like ? adventure. romance. fluff. angst. violence. tragedy. domestic. family. all of the aforementioned.

i like stuff that is very emotionally charged, happy or sad or angry, WHATEVER. make me FEEL, man, i am ready for it. also just love sitting two characters down and letting them talk. some really interesting stuff can emerge from two muses just hashing out their perspectives and seeing what happens.

what genres do you like? high fantasy. supernatural. science fiction. historical. horror. comedy. romantic. drama. action. smut. adventure. espionage. all of the aforementioned.

are there any themes you’re uncomfortable writing on your blog ? (not triggers) no. yes. it depends.

cheating / infidelity has always been a big no for me. also not mega comfortable writing about child death / extreme harm to children. it just makes me really upset.

do you have any triggers ? how do you request it tagged ?

the topic of miscarriages / pregnancy loss can be triggering for me, but i doubt that's gonna come up like much at all.

SHIPPING.

what types of relationships are you open to ? romantic. platonic. familial. other. all of the aforementioned.

what types of pre - established relationships are you open to ? romantic. platonic. familial. other. all of the aforementioned.

all i ask is that we talk about it first. i've had people write muses intended to be mine's kid that presumed my muse was a radically different kind of parent than i would've written them as, so ... i'd kinnnda prefer to plot that sort of stuff out first now.

do you have otps ? no. chemistry only. yes.

i basically ship pepp with all the canon pt characters, with my favorites being pepp / noisette, pepp / gustavo, and pepp / fake ( only when fake is written as being fully cognitively mature, not as an animal or childlike ). for sugary spire, i like pizzano / pizzelle.

do you have notps ? no. yes.

for pt, not really no. there's ships i'm a little picky about how they're written, such as pepp / anton and pepp / pizzahead, but like i said i ship pepp with All.

what is your muse’s sexual orientation ? heterosexual. bisexual. pansexual. homosexual. demisexual. asexual. still trying to figure it out. depends on the muse you’re asking.

what is your muse’s romantic orientation ? heteroromantic. biromantic. homoromantic. panromantic. demiromantic. aromantic. still trying to figure it out. depends on the muse you’re asking.

are you comfortable writing smut ? no. selectively. yes.

i gotta know you at least a lil bit, because i'm a shy weenie about things like that.

how early in a relationship do you ship romantically ? autoship. during plotting. after a couple ic interactions. several ic interactions. slow burn. plot dependent. never.

are you open to toxic ships ? no. selectively. yes. i am not sure.

are you open to problematic ships ? no. selectively. yes. i am not sure.

are you open to polyshipping ? no. selectively. yes. i am not sure.

are you an exclusive shipper ? never. sometimes. yes. i would be open to discuss it.

does crack shipping ever happen ? nope. yes. depends.

all ships i do are serious ships. all of them. does not matter how jokingly it is suggested, i will make it real.

tagged. i stole it.

tagging. @crvptd, @phonypizza, @pizzadoff

[mattydemise]

I’m fucking sore from my workout yesterday. I’ve been pushing myself harder every day. No breaks. No rest days. I just finished watering the herbs and vegetables in my garden. The weather is perfect today. 26C. Bright, sunny, with a cool breezing coming in from the ocean. I stood outside with my coffee and just appreciated the warmth for a while. In a couple of hours I’m going to get my water bottle and go relax by the water. There’s this little cove not many people know about near my house. It’s only a 5 minute walk away. It’s not very often I’ll run into people walking around that way. I go out there to think and be alone. Yesterday at work I put some music on and one of my friends/coworkers said “Are you sad today? Why are you playing such slow, sad music” I had to laugh. I replied that I loved it. People are often surprised by me. Of course they are, because they don’t really know me. I lived with a girl for three years and she didn’t know me either. People think they know me but I don’t really let them in. It’s all surface level stuff. Sometimes people, women in particular, get annoyed with me over this. I’ve been with enough men and women to know that women leave you when they know you, men don’t though. Men like knowing everything, it’s how we attach. I use these Tumblr posts to express my thoughts but don’t mistake them for knowing me. I may as well be a figment of your imagination. I don’t expect people to stay because they can’t penetrate the defences I put up. Even the people that think they know me intimately, only know small parts of me by virtue of living with me. I can’t just open up like a flower and let the sun and showers nourish me. I don’t know how people let others in. I think the most I can offer is orgasms, comfort and my intellect, and my money, too. I’m not afraid of anything, but I deal with people every day, and despite my overarching love for us, I don’t like what I see. I don’t like the hypocrisy most of all. The constant denial of truths. The cabin deep in the woods is calling me. I think I’ll befriend the local deer population and protect them from hunters. There’s also a lot of wild horses in my area too and the government wants to cull them. I’ve gotta protect them too. They’re much less harmful than the people in power. Perhaps they should cull themselves.

[delusion-of-negation]

one of my pet peeve urban myths came up on my dash again so friendly reminder that the evidence that blowing into a vagina is dangerous is... to say sketchy would be giving it too much credit because it's disgusting. mostly it's based on a couple of deaths, likely actually FAILED HOME ABORTION ATTEMPTS and stuff I think it's equally shady to attribute without adequate proof to it. basically that's why people think it's "more likely" to affect you if you're pregnant, because of the very very small handful of these alleged cases, most were pregnant, because most were actually likely people desperately trying to save their lives when medical procedures were kept from them. the reason air in your blood is dangerous when diving is because it's pressurised, and when it expands when you come up to the surface your blood can't then break it down again quickly enough. under normal pressure, you literally can inject a very small amount of air directly and still be absolutely fine, anybody who's been on a drip in hospital should remember sometimes they get air bubbles in them and it's fine. there's ways your blood breaks down air. to blow enough air into somebody to actually do harm would be basically impossible to achieve even if you blew directly into a cut, to do it into a vagina would be... I mean first you'd need an airtight seal around it just because otherwise the air will escape, then you'd need more air realistically than your lungs would output, but that's assuming it actually gets absorbed once it gets in for some reason. and as if that's not bad enough, this version had someone claiming you'd equally kill someone blowing into a butt. I guess they have never farted. air is deadly when there's too much where it shouldn't be which, again, is why air going from compressed to expanded is dangerous for divers. the air you exhale is not BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING OCEAN levels of compressed, in fact, it's not at all, it literally is normal pressure. it's fine. you cannot exhale people to death and that's the answer to your "omg why wasn't I taught in school about this", because your school decided to teach facts. unfortunately, they failed to give you critical thinking skills. sad.