#some of you will remember me and others may not

[lostinlovingrevery]

Just a thought and no offense but I think Logan just wants to be in love and feel loved in return.

(This isnt proofread and came out as rambling so have fun trying to read it and decipher it! 😅)

So WE ALL know that Logan can be flirty, and that he may have had a period where he was a bit of a manwhore (*cough* 70s Logan *cough*)

I feel like that period though, and any other flings, one night stands, etc whatever was less out of lust and more of a desperation to feel SOME kind of human connection bc the mans so lonely and has been treated like a soldier, a weapon for so long that hes desperate for human connection, even if it makes him end up feeling depraved afterwards. Post-nut clarity wakes him up next to some girl he met at a bar, and guilt sinks its teeth into him because he doesnt even know her name, much less actually LIKE her. The man was born in the 1800s, he may have grown with time but you cannot tell me theres not some inkling of being a gentleman- and wanting to find someone you truly love, hidden in there somewhere. I think overtime he may fall into this routine, believing he needed to be a walking sex magnet, gruff, cocky, whatever have you because hes convinced its the only way he can have a connection with someone, even if its for a few passionate moments under bedsheets, and an awkward "that was nice. Bye"

It only fuels his self hatred, convincing him that he really his just an animal, looking to get his sick desires out, eat, fuck, sleep, survive.

When we see him in the X movies, as a cage fighter he is brutal and rough and he doesnt seem to have a caring bone in his body yet he still manages to find himself caring about this young girl who stowawayed in his trailer, and does help her, even if he acts like this version of logan he created. Someone who doesnt care. But he cares. A lot.

Its not until he meets YOU, that he starts to wonder if he got it all wrong. Kind, beautiful, smart YOU.

I fully believe that logan just wants a partner. One night stands, flings, what have you, were just him lying to himself, desperate to feel something other than hate. After he lost his memories, and he began just wandering, the concept of love was lost on him. And lust wasnt there anymore either. He was approached by women, perfectly fine, pretty women, all the time during his time cage fighting, bars, etc. He turned them all away- completely opposite of logan 30-40 years ago (my timing probs not right on xmen lol) who was convinced the only way he was living was if he had ass next to him every night he went to sleep because he was lonely. This version of logan, lost, angry, wanted nothing to do with people. Some of it the repressed feelings coming out from his past that he doesnt even remember. He was convinced then that he had to be alone. Becoming a lone wolf that bared his teeth at anyone who tried to pet it. Secretly though, deep down although he wouldnt admit it, there was that deep desire, that he always felt in his 200 years, that he just wanted to find his mate. He'd call soulmates bullshit if you asked him, but the moment he meets you, hed know that it was real, and that maybe god cursed (gifted) him the ability of healing and practical immortality just so he could find you. And hed do it over and over again, the pain and suffering and loneliness, if it meant you would be the endgoal.

Logan is a pack animal. He needed a family, to protect, and cherish. When he meets and ends up at the x-men, his demeanor and attitude changes quickly to something similar to a dog that snaps at you when you pet it only for it to whine and whimper "im sorry, please dont hate me, i just dont know how to accept love.". Hes still wary, because hed never KNOWN a family before. Put aside his memory loss, the closest things he had to a family was a creep of a brother, and a woman who said she loved him under false pretenses (i still dont like you kayla even if you say it was real). He barely knew his parents, and even then that was a lie because his father wasnt even his biological father. Yeah, Logans life was pretty damn lonely, so its no wonder the man is cautious of anybody and anything.

The moment you come into his life though, that bitterness, anger, and meaningless flirting goes right out the window. Hes serious about you. Hes usually cautious, nervous around people but he meets you and its almost like he threw all those imaginary rules he has for himself out of the window.

Look at how he was with Jean in the movies. He barely knew the woman, they barely shared ANY lines in the movie yet he was almost completely devoted (dont get me started on that storyline). Trust didnt come easy to the wolverine. And Kayla- their relationship just shows how much he wants love and to be loved. I never seen origins but a lot of gifsets and read the synopsis of the plot, but i think he had a feeling with Kayla he couldnt trust (remember how he says hell never go against his gut again?) But he so badly just wanted that connection he ignored all the warning signs and did everything to build a life with this woman who not only tricked him, but put him through unimaginable pain both physically and mentally. (Look I REALLY dont like kayla but i do feel bad for her because stryker did have her sister captive). I know stryker is the evil mastermind here, but god imagine trying to find love with someone, only for it all to be a farce, even if they claimed they did love you the entire time- the intentions from the very beginning was far from love.

Oh but when he is in love with you. From the moment he met you, it wasnt love at first sight exactly, more like a feeling that you were it. Hes all about you. He sticks around, under the pretense that he just needed to make some money first, doing some missions for charles, keep an eye on rogue. He cant admit its because he wants to stay close to you. Hes like a feral cat taking shelter in your shed. Stays away at first, cautious of your spspspsp, but curious nonetheless. Completely ignores the first bowl of food you put down for it- or so you thought because when you came back it was completely devoured. It takes weeks of food and spspsps before it finally warms up to you, but after that first contact with your hand and its head- good luck ever getting rid of it. Not that youd want to 😊

Logan becomes a shadow to you, once you become something akin to friends. (Its really more than that but no ones addressed it). He teases you and flirts with you, and its something you think he does with everyone, until Ororo tells you that he only does it to you. Sometimes he just sits in your company, other times hes curious about what youre working on, not wanting to start the convo, but does things like leering over your shoulder (which he may or may not be doing just to he close to you and get a good whiff of the smell of your hair). He stresses when you go on missions without him. He slowly opens up about his past to you when he begins to get his memories back. Trusting only you (and maybe charles) with the truth ablut the man he used to be, and still is.

When your feelings finally do come out in the open though, however it happens, that first kiss, the first time you make love, etc etc. Logans a different man. I mean, hes still that cocky, grumpy person we all know and love. But he carried himself differently. Hes confident and wiser, hes comfortable, and hes happy. He found a home, his pack. And maybe after countless conversations about his past, the things hes done, and the comforting words and understandings you give him, he starts to learn that he isnt so bad, because if you love him, YOU, the most wonderful person hes ever known in 200 years, love him despite all of his violence and hatred and slight whoreish tendecies back in the 70s...then he must be alright.

He doesnt need to worry about his past anymore, when hes got you, right there with him, promising a loving future together.

[dindjarindiaries]

Hunter was trying to be a good older brother to Crosshair and a good father to Omega in The Return, despite a few moments of weakness, through protectiveness, observation, and supportiveness. He ultimately succeeded in his objectives.

The Bad Batch S3E5 "The Return" will always be one of my favorites because it doesn't shy away from the complexity of the family's dynamic after 1) losing Tech, who was often a peacekeeper/mitigator, and 2) regaining Crosshair. While I, and many others, wish the former was explored more, it does an excellent job of showing us even more about these siblings' dynamics than we even knew before.

As always with any analysis, this is a disclaimer that you may view this episode in an entirely different way due to various biases, one of the most notable being based upon your own favorite characters and your own life experience. All I ask is that you read through carefully before chiming in with any counterarguments!

The line of dialogue that most of my argument here hinges upon is from Hunter about midway through the episode, just before his and Crosshair's fight.

"I know you."

Going back to the very beginning of the episode, we see Hunter and Wrecker sitting and waiting for Omega to wake up. Crosshair's clearly not there, and when Omega asks about their brother's whereabouts, Wrecker says he wasn't there when they woke up, before Hunter adds this.

His face is clearly displaying concern, even though his words are reassuring. He's no doubt worried about Crosshair, too, but like he says later on: he knows Crosshair. He knows what to do when Crosshair's upset, and that the sniper wants/needs time alone, hence why he and Wrecker didn't go after him. Hunter is trying to reassure Omega, who isn't as familiar with Crosshair at this point, by insisting that this is how he adjusts to change. It's important to note that there doesn't really seem to be any hostility radiating from Hunter (or Wrecker) towards Crosshair here.

In fact, the duo only gets up and goes to check on Crosshair once Omega's involved. This proves something else that's important to understand for Hunter's character in this episode: he's wrestling with both his concern for Crosshair and his protectiveness over Omega, and that's because of this moment from season 1:

Because of Crosshair telling Hunter in S1E15 that he had his inhibitor chip removed, without the context of when, Hunter has to assume for Omega's safety that this was Crosshair acting of his own accord. This is because, if Hunter's to be a reliable protector of her, he always has to be as cautious as possible with those she's surrounded by—and unfortunately, in this case, that includes Crosshair.

(Remember that, even as the sergeant of Clone Force 99 and the eldest brother/caretaker of their family, Hunter's priorities have shifted since the war ended; Omega now comes before all else. He says this as early as S1E7 to Rex, when they had only had Omega for a short time. This is now at least a year after those events, which means that sentiment's only grown stronger for Hunter, especially after losing Omega to the Empire for six months.)

Because Crosshair is smart and also knows his brothers just like they know him, he comes to this conclusion himself. This is why he's not surprised when they start watching him and Omega from a distance, and why Crosshair insists it's because "They don't trust me."

Then, Echo arrives, and they start making plans to go to Barton IV. This is where we see Hunter's protectiveness of Omega really shining, along with some interesting glimpses of Hunter's concern/curiosity about Crosshair and what he went through.

The fact that Omega and Hunter have the same expression here... that's intentional. Omega is but a mirror of her brothers, and always has been ever since she met them. She and Hunter are literally displaying the same amount of sympathy and concern for Crosshair here.

Now, this look from Hunter that's immediately after Crosshair's done talking is read as anger from a lot of people, which is understandable. To me, though, especially through this lens, it looks more like Hunter is coming to a conclusion. Hunter can tell that Crosshair knows more (and has gone through more) than he's letting on about, but he doesn't care that much about getting the intel that Echo no doubt wants. Hunter just doesn't like the fact that Crosshair won't open up about what happened to him.

It's important to keep in mind that as Hunter and Wrecker were watching Omega and Crosshair before, they undoubtedly saw Crosshair's target practice going poorly. Hunter would certainly make note of that, and thinking of his physical struggles along with hearing this... well, yeah, Hunter's gonna have a serious pondering face, because he wants to know what's wrong with his youngest brother so he can help him. But because he knows his brother, he knows that he has to keep his space for now and be mindful.

Once plans for the trip to Barton IV come up, Hunter proposes that he goes with Crosshair and Echo, again proving that Hunter isn't really trying to avoid Crosshair. In fact, Hunter only expresses any concern when Omega wants to join, and we all know why. He's worried about her and doesn't want to risk it, which he says plainly.

It's clear, though, that Hunter is still worried about Crosshair being so close to Omega, too, especially if they're going to an Imperial hideout. Hunter has trauma from that moment in S1E8, and it's not easy for him to see past that, as much as he does still care and worry for his youngest brother. Again, he has to suspect that anyone is capable of hurting her, aside from the brothers who've been protecting her alongside himself the entire time.

Crosshair even acknowledges this when he and Hunter pass one another while packing up the night before.

(I'd like to note that, in this moment, Hunter's the one who moves to accommodate Crosshair's path. To me, that's more evidence of the fact that Hunter is keeping a safe distance from Crosshair to let him process, but because Omega's there too, he's also keeping a watchful eye on him. He's really torn between the two.)

"Don't hold it against him," Crosshair tells Omega. Why? Because:

Crosshair understands that most, if not all, of Hunter's moments of caution towards Crosshair have everything to do with Omega and her safety, rather than Hunter being angry at Crosshair. Hunter doesn't like that Omega's going on this risky mission, and he really doesn't like that it's happening with Crosshair there, when he hasn't even told Hunter everything that happened. How is he supposed to properly protect her (and Crosshair) without knowing all the details?

(And how sweet is it that Crosshair agrees with Hunter's take on Omega coming with them?)

They get to Barton IV, and there, we get one of Hunter's moments of weakness, when he's really giving in to his protectiveness of Omega and his frustration/worry about having such few details about Crosshair and his falling out with the Empire.

(But first, let's quickly acknowledge Crosshair emerging in his old armor, and the fact that Hunter, Wrecker, and the others kept it. Hunter (and Wrecker I believe) both lost pieces of their armor during their search for Omega, no doubt either losing them in dangerous situations or selling things to get by, but they never once touched Crosshair's kit—even when it would have been really easy to sell his things before selling their own.)

Because the base is empty, Hunter starts to worry that it's a sign of something bad. Remember, just because Hunter is the level-headed sergeant and leader of the group, he's not immune to trauma. Imagine how traumatizing Eriadu and all his failed attempts to find Omega with Wrecker were for him, especially with him literally being a tracker. The last time they were all together like this on a mission was when Tech died.

So, Hunter gives into that protective sense and challenges Crosshair, because now he needs the details. He has a sense that this place is notable to Crosshair, but not how, and if he wants to protect Omega, who is his main priority, he has to find out. He's also getting more and more frustrated that Crosshair won't talk to him about it.

This can be evidenced by one of their exchanges. It's only after Crosshair brings up his cell again that Hunter insists, "I get the feeling there's more to this place than you're saying." And... well, Hunter's right. This is a place of trauma for Crosshair, and Hunter's no doubt picking up on that. After being reminded of Crosshair's imprisonment, Hunter has to ask, he has to press, in his mind, for the wellbeing of Omega, Crosshair, and the rest of his squad.

Again, Hunter doesn't like operating off little information to accomplish all these things. He's a protector at heart, and he always has been. Crosshair not giving him all the details he can remember (likely because of his own trauma) makes Hunter feel even more on edge, and that's why he lashes out a bit more at his brother, questioning him about why he didn't mention the raiders before.

Unfortunately, with Crosshair deflecting to avoid his own hurt, Hunter takes the bait and engages, leading to their exchange of "Just following orders?" "If you're scared, why don't you wait on the ship?" Thankfully, Echo steps in and breaks it up, which gives Hunter time to clear his head again. This is Hunter's first biggest moment of weakness.

Now, we're getting to one of my favorite sequences: Hunter watching Crosshair from a distance inside the depot.

Hunter clocks Crosshair's discomfort right away after Echo says that Crosshair's words about the base serving its purpose "Sounds familiar." Again, it's easy to understand why people might read this as Hunter being angry or cautious, but to me, it looks like Hunter's just trying to get a read on why that particular exchange sent Crosshair away, and what exactly he's looking for.

Wanting to figure out more so that he can help Crosshair and thus help them all in this very moment, Hunter quietly follows Crosshair, and that's what leads to him seeing Crosshair pick up Mayday and the other regs' helmets.

(Hunter lurking in the back right. I'm obsessed with this shot.)

Remember, Hunter is observing this as someone who remembers Crosshair not wanting anything to do with the regs. He antagonized them perhaps the most out of any other in the squad during their arc in The Clone Wars, and he even told Hunter in S1E15 that the Batch was superior to the regs, and to most other soldiers in general. Hunter seeing Crosshair treat these reg helmets with such reverence is such a strong indication to him that something major has shifted for Crosshair, and it had likely happened on this planet.

But Hunter, again, knowing his brother, remains a quiet observer. It would've been easy for him to engage here, but he recognizes that Crosshair needs this moment to himself. Hunter even leaves him to it after. Would someone who really didn't trust Crosshair at all whatsoever turn their back to him like that? What he does is give his brother privacy, and acknowledge that he needs to know what happened... but this isn't the right place or time to be pressing him about it.

Danger is lurking, though, and Hunter's desperation to know the truth so he can be better equipped is growing. It hits a peak when Crosshair, prompted by Batcher's barking, checks the perimeter by himself. Pay close attention to how Hunter reacts to Crosshair's exit.

It isn't really anger in this expression. Wrecker's behind him is certainly one of concern. Hunter instead looks determined, and that's because he's about to pursue Crosshair to start getting answers. He's tired of not knowing, and because the stakes are starting to rise, and the evidence is all around him. Hunter decides that he's given enough space and now has to push Crosshair to talk to him.

Because, as Hunter's about to say in a few seconds, he knows Crosshair. He knows, and from what Echo says later, he's always known how to get Crosshair to talk, and it seems that it often involves some fighting and bloodshed—because Crosshair has a harder time opening up than his other brothers.

But Hunter will be damned if he doesn't try, especially now that Omega's safety could depend on this information.

Now, at last, we're at the pinnacle moment of the episode for these two characters: the fight, and another moment of weakness for Hunter. He reminds Crosshair that he knows him, and he demands this time to know what exactly happened here.

Hunter, because he knows his brother, has to push Crosshair (literally) to get anything out of him. He doesn't want this to be simple bickering like before. So, Hunter goes for a low blow. He knows that Crosshair values loyalty above all else, so he brings up Crosshair's disloyalty to both the Empire and their own squad, knowing it'll hurt him enough to get some real responses out of him.

Then comes the physical shove. This is a clear demand for Crosshair to start giving answers.

But look at how Hunter's expression changes as he waits for Crosshair to talk.

His brow softens, because Crosshair's hesitance to say or do something right away is evidence of the fact that it's something really, really serious that happened. At the end of the day, he's just worried for his brother. He wants to know, needs to know, so he can help him. It almost looks like he's pleading for an answer here.

And Crosshair does answer truthfully, revealing that he killed Lt. Nolan. Hunter is obviously shocked, and he even has a somewhat guilty reaction to Crosshair saying "after they betrayed me", because, I mean, we all know Hunter's been harboring guilt for leaving Crosshair behind.

That's when Crosshair digs his claws in to protect himself, too, also going for low blows against Hunter—starting with Hunter ignoring the warning Crosshair had sent from Tantiss.

(What's really telling to me here is that Hunter doesn't once defend himself when he easily could have. He could have told Crosshair that he was the only one who wanted to listen to Crosshair's warning, but that his and the rest of the squad's desire to try to save Crosshair ultimately won out. But he doesn't. He just takes it.)

Hunter only starts to get really angry when Crosshair gets Omega involved.

Hunter turned Crosshair's loyalty against him, so Crosshair turns Hunter's protectiveness against him. Imagine being a protector like Hunter, who's even more fiercely protective of Omega, and being told that after months of desperate, worried searching, you're the reason why the person you care the most about went through their worst bout of suffering.

Yeah, that stings. Especially because there's truth to it, the part about his jealousy towards Crosshair being the one to free her instead of himself. Hunter no doubt felt like he had failed as Omega's protector by losing her to the Empire, and not only that, but the brother he left behind had to be the one to bring her back to them.

(I also think that, in reading between the lines in this entire part of Crosshair's argument, he could even be insinuating that Hunter's shouldering the blame for Tech's death. If he knows the details, then he knows that ultimately, Hunter's the one who approved the mission. "You ignored it", in reference to Crosshair's message, could mean that both Tech and Omega could have been safe if Hunter had simply made the right call. It may not have been intentional on Crosshair's part, but I could easily see Hunter thinking that, especially if he already felt guilty about it.)

No wonder why these two are about to fist fight in the snow. Their ugliest, scariest monsters have finally come out.

And that's when the scary monster comes out, too.

(I love the symbolism!)

Hunter immediately snaps back into his protector mode. He warns Crosshair to move, but also physically shoves Crosshair out of the way and takes his previous place, making himself the one who's closest to the threat.

(Hunter does this a lot with his squad, by the way.)

They focus on getting to safety, and then figuring out a plan with the others to get the wyrm back outside the perimeter. This is when Hunter insists that they have to make sure the wyrm is drawn out that far so that they're not trapped inside with it, and Crosshair volunteers to take it on his own. But Hunter's not okay with that.

You would think that Hunter would want to be as far away from Crosshair as possible after what just transpired, but he doesn't. Instead, in this moment, Hunter is assuring Crosshair that he doesn't have to do things alone anymore, that they're brothers at the end of the day, and he wants to help. I think this is Hunter's first true attempt at making a truce with Crosshair, and attempting to extend his hand to him.

Of course, Crosshair snaps back asking Hunter if he's sure that's what he wants, and that leads to a moment of tension—but notice that, unlike the other times, Hunter doesn't retaliate. He understands with more clarity now why Crosshair's lashing out. Crosshair's hurting.

So, in teaming up with Crosshair here, Hunter knows he can mend what's most important to Crosshair by proving it with his actions: loyalty.

If anything, what Crosshair lashing out here and what Hunter going with him proves is that Crosshair's mostly hurt that he's lost the loyalty/trust of his brothers. When they get out there and Hunter's trapped underneath the ice, left to rely on his brother for guidance and rescue, it allows Crosshair to mend that sense of loyalty and trust. He can earn it back.

Not because Hunter necessarily needs him to do that, although it certainly is helpful, but because Hunter knows that Crosshair needs that. Crosshair needs to feel reliable to them again.

That's what's so perfect about Hunter's safety literally being in Crosshair's hands here. They're able to banter the way they likely would've during the war, and Hunter doesn't hesitate when Crosshair extends his rifle to pull him up and get him out of the hole in the ice.

Hunter gets proof that he can indeed trust Crosshair with his life again, and Crosshair gets that proof, too. Because, at the end of the day, they're just an eldest and youngest brother. Youngest siblings (I say as a youngest child myself) are often looking for validation and trust from their older siblings, especially the eldest. This display of trust must've been so, so validating and healing for Crosshair.

That brings us back to that first line of dialogue I highlighted: "I know you." Hunter knew Crosshair was hurting like this all along, and while he was struggling between his protectiveness over Omega and his concern for Crosshair, he was finally able to make his brother's journey to healing happen.

We then get the nods of mutual trust, understanding, apologies, and forgiveness, before they sit in peace together.

(This is one of my favorite shots in all of Star Wars. I mean, come on.)

I love how the shift in their dynamic is evident enough that everyone recognizes it once they get back. They hug it out with Wrecker, and then we shift into one of the most meaningful dialogue exchanges we'll ever get between them.

Now that Crosshair's laid more of his vulnerabilities out on the table, he seeks reassurance in Hunter. Again, youngest siblings so often just want to feel validated by their older siblings, especially the eldest. Crosshair's looked to Hunter to lead him and guide him his whole life. This is why the guilt's so evident when he comes clean about making mistakes with the Empire.

It would've been so easy for Hunter to say yeah, you did make mistakes, you did hurt us and many innocent people. Instead, Hunter says these simple few words that carry so much weight:

Hunter takes on that burden with Crosshair. He lets his own vulnerabilities show by saying, yeah, I'm with you there, there are things I wish I hadn't done, either. He then gives him reassurance and hope by saying that they can forge a new path forward, that they're not tied down by who they used to be, nor what bad decisions they made.

Hunter is putting them on the same level here, and for someone like Crosshair, who probably thought his brothers would never trust him nor accept him the way they used to because of what he's done, this means everything.

(I also feel like Crosshair really needed to hear the "I have regrets too" line from Hunter in particular. He needed a hint that Hunter really did regret leaving him behind, even if it was the best/safest option for the rest of the squad at the time. You can certainly still regret doing something, even if it was the best option at that time.)

In summary, The Return is about not just a return to Barton IV, but a return to who Clone Force 99 used to be. Crosshair's return to his squad, the return of their trust in him and vice versa. A return to the familiar.

Hunter didn't handle this perfectly, nor would anyone who was in his shoes with all these complicated relationships and trauma, but he did his best. Even while caught between his concern for Crosshair and his fierce protectiveness of Omega and the members of his family that he had left, Hunter still found a way to make things right. He completed both objectives.

For as much as Crosshair needed to have the trust of his family back, Hunter needed the reassurance that he could still keep his entire family safe on missions like these. He needed to know he could still take care of them, physically and emotionally.

And he succeeded.

[goddamnitmahtin]

This is too good… I must add because what if…

During one of their meetups

Tim, sleep deprived and desperate for coffee, “Robu…. I need you.” He slumped onto Danny’s couch

Now normally, Danny wouldn’t prefer to be referred to as a coffee brand all the time but… this was Tim. And it was Tim’s favorite coffee… so in a way… it was like he was Tim’s favorite coffee? It was hard to explain but Danny knew that he liked it a lot. More than he probably should have.

He placed the cup of coffee into his fake boyfriend’s hands. His very big hands. Course from working so hard being all heroic in the field of duty. Calloused and bruised, no doubt broken and reset dozens of times. The hands of a vigilante who was fully and utterly alive.

Danny was never jealous of Tim for that. Infact… he was very happy for Tim that he was so alive. Heartbeats are a good thing of course. And his was very nice. Steady and always going 100 miles a minute from the amount of caffeine he consumed. He supposed he should stop providing said caffeine but he spent his whole life being selfless. He was going to let himself be selfish this one time. He didn’t want to stop seeing his fake boyfriend.

“How long has it been this time?” Danny asked, trying not to sound too suspicious, “Since you’ve slept?”

He watched as the adorable mess of a man slumped over his couch sighed, “Um- 6- no- 8? Um- 74 hours or so?”

Well it wasn’t as bad as sometimes at least. He knew that it was bad for him to be awake so long. Sometimes on their “fake dates” Danny suggested movie nights just so he would take a nap. He wanted Tim’s heart to keep beating so he could keep listening to the sound.

Danny nodded, “Busy man you are.” He made sure his body blocked the coffee table from Tim’s view. He hadn’t properly put his mail out of sight before his vigilante had come to see him and he knew that Tim was nothing if not a detective.

Tim noticed the awkwardness coming from him immediatly, “Hey why are you hiding your mail from me?”

Dammit Tim why do you have to be so smart and perfect all the fucking time-

Danny laughed nervously, “I’m not- doing that…”

Tim sat up and gently adjusted Danny out of the way to look at the papers, grabbing him by the waist to do so.

Danny swooned only a little when he felt those big hands on his hips. Momentarily, he very much forgot why he was hiding his mail from Tim. But not long enough for the distraction to stop him from trying to grab the papers before Tim could reach them.

He failed.

Tim looked at the eviction notice in his hand, “Danny you never told me- I could have given you more money?!” He looked bewildered and confused. And more than that. Danny could tell there was a bit of fear in his eyes. He understood. He felt it too.

“Money isn’t the problem Tim, you give me more than enough,” Danny said fidgeting with the tracker fashionably dangling from his ear, “Everyone in the building got one. Ms. Abernathy sold it under the table to some shady company.”

Tim looked outright pissed, “What company is it?”

“I don’t remember but I remember hearing the name of it and thinking it sounded fake as hell. Probably why we are all getting kicked out instead of our leases transferring to the new owner. Ms. Abernathy doesn’t want her tenants in a bad situation,” Danny explained. He may not have been a vigilante anymore but hey, he still knew shady shit when he saw it.

Then a ding from Tim’s Nightwing tracker. And then immediately after, he feels another presence outside the window. The other birds were spying again.

“Move in with me,” Tim blurted out.

Danny… well Danny…. Danny fucking short circuited.

“Wha-?” was all he could get out. Normally he was better at improvising but ancients be damned, the cutest man ever just asked him to move in with him.

“Look I know I said we should wait since I didn’t want you in harms way if any rogues found my apartment but…” Tim wrapped his arms around Danny’s waist AGAIN, “I trust you to be able to defend yourself (after Danny broke into the Batcave as Phantom, Danny told him everything because why wouldn’t he) and honestly… I’de love having you around more often Robu.”

Danny’s breath caught as he felt those callouses on his hips again. He watched Tim stand to look him eye to eye and felt his entire core purr as one of those calloused hands moved to his cheek. Tim was really playing it up.

Danny could play it up too, “Aw is the tracker not enough anymore Timothy?” He wrapped his arms around Tim’s neck, bringing his face closer, “Of course I’ll move in with you. But don’t think I’ll be taking it off.” (Danny was referring to the tracker)

Tim smiled, “Don’t you dare.”

Then they kissed. Like on the lips. Cuz they were acting. Yeah, that. It didn’t stop Danny from adoring how Tim tasted of coffee though.

The next minute they were packing a few bags of Danny’s things and heading off to the new apartment.

While his core buzzed excitedly about the future of much more close proximity, Danny’s mind couldn’t help but wander off a little. They had gone this far. And Tim had a nickname for him. Maybe he should come up with one for Tim? He called him Tim or Timothy mostly, sometimes throwing other names in there to see if they stuck but nothing ever did. He called him Birdie once and the man gave him the biggest glare he had ever seen. It was attractive but not the response he was hoping for.

Danny knew a lot about death. Obviously. He also knew the irony of Tim’s vigilante persona Red Robin. The most alive man he had ever met used the name of a bird of death. Most people only know about the associations from cardinals, many stating that the dead send the bird to their loved ones as reminders of them.

What not as many people knew was that this was also extended to red robins. Red robins also had a double meaning when it came to the dead as they represented rebirth and starting anew. The same meaning as an upright death card in the tarot deck.

If anything… of the two of them Danny was the red robin. Tim was more of a…. swan. Yeah a swan. Loyalty, fidelity, and grace. Swans also mate for life but Danny wasn’t going to think about that. He knew Tim probably didn’t do that kind of thing like ghosts did. But it was a nice thought that he wasn’t going think about at all.

He set down the box with his clothes in it. He didn’t have very many. Most of the clothes he had were from before he moved here and most of that was destroyed in Amity Park when his parents found out what he was. It was… a lot of fire.

The rest of the clothes he had… well he kinda slowly stole them from Tim whenever he finally decided to shower and crash out whenever he stayed the night.

It wasn’t weird. He trusted Danny to wake him up before he had to leave for work. It wasn’t weird at all. Infact… Danny’s core quite liked it whenever he would stay.

“Well that’s all of my stuff,” he said.

Tim nodded, looking at all 4 boxes and 1 backpack, “Well it’s a good thing you pack so light. Too bad that couch wasn’t yours. It was comfy as fuck.”

Danny chuckled, “The bed wasn’t mine either.”

At that Tim laughed as well, “I know Robu. It was far too comfortable for you to afford.”

Danny scoffed, though the thoughts of his hometown that were brought up by how little stuff he had didn’t leave completely, “Wow thanks.”

Tim’s posture straitened. Dammit. Tim always fucking knew.

“What are you thinking about,” he asked, getting close. He always did that. Got close. He knew Danny sought comfort in physical contact. He could hear a difference in Tim’s heartbeat from the genuine concern.

Danny looked up at him, “Amity… my parents…”

Tim nodded, “Do you want to talk about it or a distraction?”

Ancients, this man was so fucking perfect.

“Distraction please,” Danny sighed, letting his head fall against Tim’s chest. He wanted to listen to his heartbeat. It was nice. And Tim held him for a while just like that. Talking about how he was going to buy a brand new bed for Danny and that after that, he was going to make 3 new tracker earrings all in different colors so that he could always have one on him no matter the outfit (As if Danny didn’t wear the silver one he already had everywhere).

One day… one day maybe it could be real. But until then… having Tim like this was going to have to be enough. It was better than having never met him at all. He couldn’t let go of his swan.

Extra:

*a few days into them living together*

Danny on the phone: So yeah I’m living with Tim now.

Jazz on the other line: So he’s your boyfriend? You could have just said that Danny.

Danny blushing furiously: N-no!

Jazz: Danny… from what you’ve told me, you live together, you eat together, you do laundry together, he knows your past, you know his…. you sleep in the same bed!

Danny: I- well- the new one hasn’t come in yet and before that it was only sometimes!

Jazz: Uhuh. And denial is a river in Egypt.

Danny: Jazz….

Jazz: Daniel the man has a tracker in your ear! So, what did you decide to call him?

Danny: *blushing profusely* I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Jazz: You can’t hide from me. I know your brain Daniel Fenton! He has a nickname for you so obviously you came up with one for him.

Danny: Fine… he’s… my Swan.

Jazz: ….. (processing) …. (Google searching the meaning)…. (Reading) …. Danny you are so insufferably corny. I hope you know that.

Danny smiling: He reminds me all the time.

Jazz smiling wider: Uhuh.

Danny, working as a cashier: Can I help you?

Tim half-deranged: Please I just want a cup of coffee

Danny squinted, then pulled out a binder: I'm sorry, sir, but you are on the Don't Serve Coffee list. I can offer you some tea instead-

Tim: NO. THIS IS THE FIFTH PLACE. BRUCE CAN'T OWN YOU ALL!

Danny leaning in to whisper: Look, man, I can't give you coffee under the cameras. Meet me in the back alley in twenty minutes and I'll get you a coffee. Bring Cash.

Tim: how much? Five hundred, six hundred or hell even a thousand? I'll bring whatever you want.

Danny: Chill dude, it's a cup of coffee. Three dollars is fine.

Tim: It's not just any coffee! It's my favorite brand and Bruce bought them out just to make sure they wouldn't sell to me anymore!

Danny: okay okay, this coffee means a lot to you. I get it. Twenty minutes alright?

Jason three weeks later in Bat cave: Tim's on drugs! I've caught him trading cash for small containers in a shady alley six times. We need an intervention.

Dick: What?! I thought that was his boyfriend!

Bruce: I also thought that was Tim boyfriend but if it's a drug dealer we have to help him.

Tim hiding in the shadows: shit.

Tim texting Danny: If anyone asks your my secret boyfriend who been making me teas in allies

Danny: who the hell would believe that? But I've had a boring week, so yeah, I'm down to be a pretend boyfriend.

[lame-cameoliob]

Kallus' motivations are so interesting

I just need to get these thoughts out so I’m throwing this ramble here:

Now, this may totally just be me thinking too much (fork found in kitchen) but I feel like when it comes to how we tend to think about Kallus’ characterization, the implications of Kallus’ experience on Onderon are very overlooked. 

So he goes to Onderon with “the boys”-- which, the term “the boys” has its own set of implications about how Kallus must have really cared for those troopers under his command but I digress– and on a patrol they’re attacked, yada yada, we all know the story. 

But Kallus becomes fully paralyzed. He doesn’t describe the extent of his paralyzation but given that he had to watch as his squad was “finished off one by one” it’s pretty fair to assume that he could not move whatsoever. The fear that any person would experience in that situation is completely indescribable, that is genuinely some shit straight out of a night terror. 

He is– as we know– spared (albeit we don’t get exact details (did the merc try to kill him but reinforcements arrived before he could? Did the merc think that Kallus was already dead? Secret 3rd option?)) and he makes a full physical recovery, but there is no way in hell that he is not coming out of that encounter with some crazy PTSD. 

There’s not a whole lot of info on Imperial mental health services but I don’t think it’s a longshot to assume that they are probably close to nonexistent.

So the empire now has… an ISB agent with field experience… with untreated PTSD… where said PTSDs inciting incident pertained to a Lasat… and they’re looking to make an example out of Lasan……….. Are you picking up what I'm putting down here…...?

If you aren’t; it is BY NO MEANS a wild assumption to say that the Empire– essentially– weaponized Kallus’ PTSD, given that he would be less likely to question the moral atrocities happening on Lasan since he was already biased against Lasat as a whole. 

Now, we don’t really have a solid grasp on what Kallus’ exact role in Lasan was since he’s  kiiiiinnnd of an unreliable narrator– I mean we’re given the line in Droids in Distress where he takes credit for giving orders during the siege, but Kallus routinely just runs his mf mouth whenever he’s throwing hands so it’s like…  that could either be the truth or a crazy exaggeration, we as viewers have literally no idea what’s going on there– but it goes without saying that Kallus is obviously not excused from his participation just because of (likely) untreated mental illness, but that is literally like the whole point of his character so like we all knew that

Now, after Lasan, Kallus does something really bizarre for an imperial to do; he accepts the borifle given to him through the Boosan Keerah, and even though he doesn’t know about the cultural significance of that, he still takes it upon himself to learn how to use this weapon. I think that literally any other imperial would have tossed that shit out on sight, so I think it does kind of imply that Kallus did have a good deal of respect for Lasat culture.

Now we can all recall how Kallus is so annoying and also batshit insane whenever he fights Zeb for the first season and a half of rebels, and ME THINKS that this is because he wants to prove to himself that if he were not paralyzed on Onderon, he could have saved the members of his squad. He had to sit by and watch them die, and I think that he just wants the vindication; now you may be thinking, But Emma, he beat the Lasat who gave him his borifle, why would he still be obsessing over this– say it with me now– he is mentally ill. No victory will ever be enough to prove this to himself. Point blank period. 

To double down on that point, Kallus never actually says anything xenophobic about Zeb or the Lasat as a whole. (At least not that I can remember). He says “Lasat– never know when to give up,” but that’s not like… a crazy thing to say– in fact, in a fucked up sorta way, it almost sounds like a compliment???? Like, Kallus completely sees Zeb (and the Lasat in general) as equals, he’s not operating under the usual xenophobic imperial mindset that other species are lesser than. This weird obsession that he has in seasons 1 and 2 is just there because he wants to outwit and outfight Zeb (and the rest of the Ghost crew… but especially Zeb)

And after the Honorable Ones???? It’s literally never brought up again. He chills tf out so hard after that it is high key uncanny. And like, yes duh that is because– for writing purposes– that’s the beginning of his redemption and they want viewers to root for him as fulcrum, but it also implies that after finding common ground with Zeb, and understanding where he’s coming from and who Zeb is as a person, he realizes that he’s been CRASHING TF OUT for basically no reason. 

And he is SO QUICK to switch sides?? Like, he is fulcrum at least a decent time before the beginning of season three. The whole point is that the second he asks questions and delves deeper into what the Empires motivations are he is disgusted enough that he doesn’t just drop everything and disappear, no, he became a spy for the rebels because he wants to help. I feel like that just goes to show that, at his core, Kallus is a good person. A deeply confused, and hurt, and misguided person, but a good one. 

I dunno, this is just a really long winded way of saying that Kallus is the perfect example of an imperial pawn. Like the Empire is an incredibly effecient indoctrination machine that exploits people at every turn, especially their own soldiers, and I think that Kallus’ relationship with that indoctrination along with his own motivations is just super super interesting and I think about it literally all the time

[intimidating-fettuccine]

This may be an odd request, but if you are into it, can I request headcanons of Smiley, Helen, and Jason (or characters you want to write) where their partner (reader) dies in front of them on a mission of something, but somehow and for some reason, time gets reversed to start at the beginning of the day, so their partner is alive and sleeping on their bed. Please and thank you!

I sort of imagined it as them going to sleep at the end of the day and waking up and it's the previous day, I hope that's okay <3 This request also made me remember Helen and his heart jar for his dead s/o so we're just gonna pretend that doesn't happen this time :p

This got so long I'm sorry I'm posting this so late-

Smiley:

He was never made for field work, with his preference for medical assistance at the mansion he was never meant to be standing out there in the field. He was never meant to watch you take that fatal injury, to do everything he could to save you out in the woods surrounding you and fail so miserably at it, much to his extreme distress. The following hours before he'd eventually passed out at his medical table had been a mash of absolute pain and misery, feelings he'd assumed he'd be waking up to once more the following morning, but instead, he was met with your beautiful face smiling at him. He'd thought he'd died himself for a moment, after all, he hadn't fallen asleep in bed, but here you are beside him, just as snug as you were the previous morning. It doesn't take long for him to realize what's happened, and Smiley isn't going to waste the chance before him. He's quick to come up with some bullshit but believable reason about why you can't go out on the mission you're meant to, citing doctor's orders and him needing to monitor a concern that came up on a pre-mission health check.

Nobody questions him, although you're left quite concerned by his actions. Nobody else can see it, but you can see the tenseness of his body, his eyes darting about anxiously, the heavy beating of his heart. You can tell he's worried about something, but he won't tell you what it is, he simply can't. He can't bring himself to admit what he saw, what he experienced, not when it's still too fresh in his mind. Perhaps he'll tell you later, but for now, he instead chooses to seek comfort in the fact that by the time the two of you go to bed that night, you're still safe and sound in his arms, just as you are the following, brand new morning, and nothing else other than that matters. It takes far longer than he thought to tell you what truly happened that day, why he refused to let you go on the mission, years down the line, and it's only with your comfort and love for him at that time that allows him to truly grieve and let go of those horrible memories. Suddenly all those days of him being more concerned about you going on missions makes sense, and you apologize for ever questioning his judgment or doubting him, promising to always come home safe to him, just as he does for you.

Jason:

The scream leaving his throat feels as though it should rip it apart, just as he feels like he's being ripped apart at the sight of your dying body crashing to the ground. Jason can barely tell what's happening in the next few hours, between trying desperately to resuscitate you, weeping for your death, and the others trying to keep him from doing something drastic. He barely realizes when he's falling asleep, his mechanical body simply powering off due to overcharge of his emotions, and when he awakes the next morning, he can't help but immediately begin sobbing once more when his eyes land on you. You're still in his satin sleep shirt, oversized on your body and revealing your skin just as it had the morning before, a sleepy smile resting on your cheeks as you gaze at him as he wakes up, but it's different this morning because now you're replaced with immense concern over his sudden outburst. You cradle him close and attempt to comfort him as best you can as he cries and crushes you against his body, so scared that any moment you could slip away again.

It must have been a dream, he reasons. A terrible, horribly bad dream, one that felt far too real, and so he tries to calm down, but he can't. Not when everything in the day progresses the exact same day, and so he shatters, begging you not to go on the mission. He tells you of his "dream", tells you of everything he saw, how he's scared it might actually happen, and you're so devastated by the clear distress he's in, so, of course, you switch out with someone else and stay home. He's so thankful you listened, so thankful a stronger creep took your place, considering the sorry state said creep was in when they got home. It could have been you, but it wasn't. Not this time, not ever again. Jason will never allow you to die in such a way, not now that he knows it's a definite possibility, no. He'll keep you safe and comfortable in his arms, safe from any dangers, just as he is right now, and will continue to do, for the rest of your life. He treasures you far too greatly to ever allow you to truly experience something like that again, and if he can help prevent it in any way at all, he will do so, for you, the love of his life, someone who deserves to live and die in peace.

Helen:

He had such an odd feeling. He'd elected to stay home last minute, as Slender had assumed not all of you would need to attend this mission. However, he felt this clawing, nagging feeling in his chest, and so he ran, ran faster than he ever had before, but he'd been too late. Your blood was fresh as you lay collapsed against a tree, your eyes unfocused as he sat before you. He tried everything he could to try and help you, but it was too late. Others had to find the two of you, as Helen had sat there before you for hours, crying and screaming, revealing emotions nobody other than you had ever seen before. He felt as though he should be dead, as though he should have died with you, but instead there he was, laying in your shared bed, now far colder than usual due to the lack of your body heat. So, if it had been so cold, why was it suddenly so warm when he woke up? Rare tears slip from his eyes as you snuggle into him, just as you had that morning, and he clutches you tightly. He feels as though some god out there must have finally taken pity upon him and done something good for him for once.

You ask what's wrong, and he simply asserts he'll tell you later, instead choosing to look after you that day, to be far more affectionate than usual. When Slender once again offers for someone to fall back, Helen disagrees, saying he has a bad feeling and that maybe someone extra should go to be safe, and so a few do, and Helen is so unbelievably thankful that he and the extra few went. He can't believe you were basically fighting all of these people by yourself, and he hates himself for so casually staying home. He kills the person who was meant to kill you with ease, and the mission is successful. You all make it home, and it's when you're cuddled up once more that night that Helen finally tells you what happened, how you had died, how it could have been his fault, how painful it was. You're momentarily confused, but with how earnestly he's retelling it, you feel as though it must have been true, and so you thank him for saving you this time, thank him for keeping you safe, and he swears to you that he'll continue to do so. For the rest of your careers for Slender, he'll always be there, on every mission, fighting to protect the one true blessing in his life.

[theragamuffininitiative]

Hi I have opened a can of research worms, which is something I do for fun and then often regret! 😃 Nothing is ever as simple as we want it to be. I am NOT an expert on any of this. Just being the "huh I'll look that up" person that I am, I went and started looking stuff up:

First, a very brief note about pesticide/herbicide use in US foods vs other countries. Not going to go with any particular links here bc this issue is so huge, and is the macroscopic version of the questions asked here. A cursory Google search returns this right off the bat - while not a surefire burden of proof, I love me a string of .gov, .edu, and .org websites all agreeing with each other:

Anyways, it is a very demonstrable fact that the US uses a list of chemicals other places have banned. Usually this has nothing to do with allergies and a lot to do with how those chemicals are carcinogenic (or might be, more on that later).🙃🙃🙃 Yay America.

Ok. More on the "is something right or wrong with American wheat" subject:

Kansas Wheat Comission + Kansas Association of Wheat Growers site talking about the major wheat varieties grown specifically in Kansas. Note how they keep saying the majority crops are hard wheat with high protein and gluten strength. This is just talking about Kansas but as Kansas is the highest wheat producing state, it seems to be a pretty good example of the broader picture.

To @emeraldchase's theory, I think it's important to point out the breeding of specific wheat varieties that do have stronger gluten content was not necessarily about the increase of gluten in the wheat but the increase of all proteins in the wheat, of which gluten is only one compound. The two just happen to be inextricably linked. And gluten, for all it gets a bad reputation, is what gives many baked goods their specific body, texture, etc. Additionally, hard wheats (higher gluten content) tend to actually be MORE expensive, as opposed to soft wheats (lower gluten content) due to requiring more nitrogen-rich soil. So. Gonna set that point aside without additional details.

What Kansas is to America, France is to to the EU. (You will probably never see that analogy anywhere else.) France's wheat yield is having a rough time, so sorting past recent articles about poor crop returns made finding links way too difficult but: more than half of France's wheat crop is used domestically, both for animal feed and human consumption. The very vast majority of French wheat is soft wheat.

Italy is not the EU's highest grossing wheat supplier, but it's the one I ended up reading about first so have this info too: Turns out most hard wheat used in Italian pastas and some breads is a type of durum wheat called grano duro, and it is not imported; it is grown in Italy (aka free from American agricultural practices. Common wheat, or grano tenero, is uh...also mostly locally grown in Italy, from the other side of Italy, and makes up the majority of their wheat crop and exports. This is the soft, weak gluten type.

Remember how the Kansas wheat is primarily hard wheat? Both France and Italy primarily grow soft wheat. The majority of American wheat does have higher gluten content than European. Have fun looking up the wheat growing practices of the other countries and states, I got lost down seven rabbit holes before coming up for air.

While both the US and Europe tend to export/import much of their crop yield, the majority of wheat sold to citizens in the US is domestic, and the majority of the wheat sold in Europe to citizens is grown in Europe.

So what about visiting Europe and being able to eat gluten? Potentially due to the softer wheat used, but not all of it is soft wheat, particularly in breads. It could be related to the widespread use of fermentation in Europe. It could be that you're on vacation and eating fancier, more controlled portions, with lower stress. It could be the heirloom / organic foods and less processed foods in general. If you are gluten sensitive and want to test it at risk of ruining your vacation, have at it! If you are celiac, please do not try European gluten at risk to your health and safety.

Ok so what about Glyphosate:

An independent scientific article from 2013 talking about the chemical, with charts about increased usage, links to disease including celiac, and adverse affects on gut bacteria as outlined by the user above. (This paper seems to be the one most people refer to. It is important to note this is one article, and that they are basing their conclusion on reactions in fish. It is incredibly interesting, but not conclusive.)

Wheat grown using our good ole pal Glyphosate is NOT currently banned in the EU, as the allowance of its use was extended back in 2023 for at least another decade. While there is a related carcinogenic risk with Glyphosate based compounds under certain conditions, it is inconclusive that Glyphosate itself is harmful - thus the not banning. (Partial bans exist in some countries within the EU.)

Here is a cursory overview about the herbicide, addressing the gluten issue but leaning toward the other very bad health outcomes which are beginning to be linked to the high usage of glyphosate. (Note, this is a dietician website and they say they are not moved by fads, which is very funny coming from a field that is constantly changing according to fads but hey.)

So now you're thinking "ah! We have higher gluten wheat and flour, AND we use these herbicides. Clearly this accounts for Americans having higher rates of celiac disease." Unfortunately for my time spent researching this to come to that triumphant conclusion ... it.. isn't true. America simply does not have a higher number of diagnosed celiac disease than other nations. So. A higher gluten content in American wheat, although not nice for the gluten-sensitive, does not appear to be causing the problem. Neither do the nasty chemicals, actually. Maybe we're just diagnosing it more than we used to. Idk man.

It seems it can much more truthfully be stated that celiac/gluten allergies can potentially be linked to human genetics, and to modern wheats in general, so that heirloom organic varieties are better. Not necessarily bc of the herbicide used, but yeah sure maybe. However. That herbicide can still poison you or give you cancer, so the high amounts if it in our food should still be concerning and I'm all for banning its use anyways.

To op's question, "How do we fix what's making people's bodies not tolerate wheat"..... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ < scientific conclusion from multiple sources.

TLDR; Most nations have similar rates of celiac diagnoses. Glyphosate may or may not contribute to celiac development, but it may also cause cancer. Heirloom and organic wheat varieties (plus other grains and foods in general) are maybe less likely to be linked to celiac disease (and cancer and many other issues) or to aggravate it due to their protection from modern herbicides and pesticides, and from not being bred to increase protein (and gluten) content. Possibly.

Personally I think the medical profession should stop asking "what normal God-made nutritious foods that have been staples of the human diet for 5,000+ years do people need to completely cut out of their diet to be healthy" and start asking "how do we fix what's making people's body not tolerate wheat"

[accio-victuuri]

Xiao Zhan Portrait Magazine Interview 📝

🎤: xiao zhan, we actually filmed a cover back then in 2019, and then in interview video, we also filmed a five year video. the last sentence in that video is what do you expect xiao zhan to look like in the next five years. five years have passed now, i want to know what kind of person xiao zhan has become.

XZ: just now, during the filming process they showed me an interview from five years ago and then when i saw the ending — i think it's amazing. at that time five years felt like a long time, at that time i thought i didn't know where i would be in five years, and then what i will become. now five years have passed in the blink of an eye, i feel like something has changed but it also feel like nothing has changed. it seems like everything has undergone an subtle changes but in reality it seems that nothing has changed. it's a wonderful feeling. i can't use words nor statements such as "change" and "unchanged" and then describe it.

🎤: in those five years there will be a lot of growth. i actually want to know what do you think is your biggest growth.

XZ: i feel calm and composed. i feel like i have became a little more self-reflective.

🎤: compared to oneself — what does this self refer to?

XZ: because i have always believed in the words "self" and "freedom" i think those are very neutral word. my former self words is that we will consider all aspects to visual. as i mentioned in my previous interview — i am very concerned about how other perceive me, i care a lot about how others' opinions about me. but perhaps over the past five years we have walked slowly along the way so now i think it's more about asking oneself, and then based on one's own opinions

🎤: you will have a persistence, so to be honest whether it's five years or something else do you think you have something firm that it won't change from you?

XZ: of course there will be.

🎤: what is it?

XZ: i remember i said this before — i remember a friend of mine told me "you may don't have to know what you want, but you must know what you don't want" i think this has never changed.

🎤: what do you not want?

XZ: there are many things i don't want.

🎤: can you share with me an example?

XZ: for example — something are luxurious but uncomfortable, or something that i feel not suitable for me.

🎤: i see, because i actually meet you now there are also quite a few changes. one them is starting to exercise now right

XZ: yes!

🎤: and over the five years i actually want to know if have there been any changes in the control of your own body or some changes perception of body?

XZ: actually i have been working out all along. for the past exercise i may have been more pursuit to be a little thinner so there are used to be a lot of aerobic work done before, but now it's actually more about stability, to be more calm, so more importantly i did some strength training.

🎤: i feel that sometimes the passage of time also means that we grow up or even get older, so sometimes you may suddenly realize that your control over your body or your own experiences are little different from before.

XZ: just like when i just watched the interview video from five years ago then in the middle of conversation i just saw myself in the mirror i feel like it's a plus version from the past then now. is it a widened version or narrowed version. i can't say for sure. i don't know where are the subtle changes have occurred — maybe it's about appearance, then it could be the body shape or it may be a state. in every aspect i feel the person in the mirror is a plus version of myself that i just saw in the video. then if we talk about mentality, i think there have been many changes.

🎤:what you say — maybe five years about the body you just mentioned. i want to know if you have had a moment of spiritual freedom in the past five years.

XZ: the most spiritual freedom moment?

🎤: yes, the most spiritual freedom moment.

XZ: actually i feel that i have been relatively free and relaxed for a period of time. it was during joining the filming crew. on the contrary when i was on the set. i don't think it's like a job but more like creating a work — creating a character, the process of creating a character so i am actually very invested.

🎤: so you may feel that speaking of a relative freedom it's when you completely immersed yourself in this character. is it to some extent of isolation from real life. let's said like that?

XZ: it can be said like that.

🎤: i actually remember the reason why you referred to five years as it back then it's because from an ordinary person no matter what or rather entering the entertainment industry as a non actor and then during 2015 and now 5 years have passed. you have actually been in the entertainment industry for 10 years. will there be any changes in the perception of the entertainment industry.

XZ: woah it's been 10 years?

🎤: we can have a 5 years term of 15 days which is 10 years.

XZ: what changes have occurred? — i don't think there has been any change. there hasn't been any change. i think it's relatively achievable, their scope is relatively simple…yes relative simple.

🎤: do you remember the last time i asked you a question? if you are not an actor what would you do. do you remember your answer?

XZ: it's to open a bakery.

🎤: yes. be a baker. i also want to ask this question now. if one day you don't work as an actor anymore what could be your next career? or what do you want to do?

XZ: perhaps…there will still be to opening a bakery. although there may be many practical problems encountered but i still really want to (open a bakery) because i think it's a very happy thing.

🎤: and if we talk about now. does 33 years old xiao zhan have something special? for example the so-called moment of collapse? or it could be a regretful breakdown of the realm.

XZ: i think it might be when acting there are really…i don't think it can be considered a breakdown but i think it's the hurdle. you may not be able to step over but you and i will try every possible way.

🎤: you want to do it better.

XZ: yes, when encountering some obstacles during acting it may make me feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment like — "why can't i do it…" when that hurdle remained insurmountable, it's something that makes me feel a little overwhelmed.

🎤: is there a so-called moment of compromise.

XZ: i don't think it can be considered a compromise right? but i'll do as much as possible. probably the final result may not have been achieved by you today. perhaps it will be resolved by looking back at the present after a few days.

🎤: actually i think something speaking of adults is actually a process of constantly recognizing boundaries as you just said, actually sometimes the so-called compromise is also a process of recognizing the boundaries. do you have that feeling of like you suddenly realized that in all aspects you actually has boundaries there?

XZ: of course i think this can be considered a rule. you can understand it this way.

🎤: if we actually said that five years have passed what will the next xiao zhan look like? have you ever thought about what kind of xiao zhan you hope to be in five years? at that time you will be 38 years old.

XZ: what do i hope xiao zhan looks like? i hope he can have a great time.

🎤: that’s all? is there or what kind of actor will he become?

XZ: no no no…i don't hope much…i just want him to be happy, to have a very happy life.

🎤: do you still dream frequently now? what was your most recent dream?

XZ: i haven’t had a dream for a long time.

🎤: do you often suffer from insomnia?

XZ:: there might be just a little time to sleep, there is bit of difficulty.

🎤: because we often say everyone actually has their own memory building i want to know in your memory — is there a moment that leave you with a recurring memory or could it been repeatedly reminded to you.

XZ:: the last time i dreamed was probably about the place where i used to live when i was a child. it's an old residential building and then our house is on the fifth floor. i remember what the aisle looked like.

🎤: seems to have gone back again

XZ: yes, and then it's really amazing, the structure of the room, and then the people. my parents and grandparents both. everyone is still stuck in that time because it was when i was still a child.

🎤: have you ever wondered why you keep dreaming about that repeatedly?

XZ: this might feel strange but maybe to me it's bit like a safe house. yes, a safe house. this kind of existence may occur when i feel tired or unhappy. maybe, i just want to go back.

🎤: your case reminds me of my previous interview with zhu deyong. he is a taiwanese cartoonist — he said that every time he felt unsafe he will go back to his childhood house in his mind, and he will go patrol room by room then use his memory to build the entire house. he can even see the most delicate table, the chair, and all the vivid memories.

XZ: i was like this in my dream. the kitchen at home, then the restroom, the living room, the two bedrooms, the structural cabinets of the balcony, at the time even the exhaust fan that never replaced. it's either a range hood or a wonderful one — all the details are clear and precise.

🎤: will that make you feel at ease?

XZ: i don't know either but instead of getting up…after waking up there will be a little feeling of loss and melancholy.

🎤: your childhood was particularly happy.

XZ:: my childhood…it's very happy.

🎤: so to some extent that’s also a way for you to nourish yourself.

XZ: yes

🎤: because i know you were actually a designer before and then you can also draw. so do you sometimes draw things about it? for example are you still drawing now? can you draw your childhood house?

XZ: no..but you reminded me. i can give it a try

🎤: it's because i feel like you will rebuilding your memories, some kind of similarity. it is also a very good feedback for yourself.

XZ: it's very good.

🎤: actually it's been five years to some extent…family members also aging. do you have this feeling? like i feel like my parents are getting older?

XZ: i do. but every time i try to stir up emotions then do it with them and message them they will immediately jump out and say "i'm playing ball now" so i don't have time to tell them otherwise my mom and i are out on a road trip again. she will says just be good to yourself, you will feel better okay? they are…very happy.

🎤: they are doing well, so they actually don't have the anxiety of aging at all.

XZ: they are full of power. so i think they are the object of my learning.

🎤: have you asked them why do you think they have no such anxiety at all? like they should think of it.

XZ: i have no idea. so i envy them very much. i really envy them. i learn from them this mentality.

🎤: we just asked our photographer. he has had a lot of contact with you in the five past years he says he will feel your current sense of security or rather your sense of relaxation is gradually increasing especially this year. so i don't know yet if it's a cue do you think there will be something this year that will make you suddenly feel this kind of openness or relaxation?

XZ: i think it’s very subtle because i believe life is not a novel not a movie, not a script. i didn't have a suddenly awakening point right? i think it't a long process, it’s a gradual accumulation then slowly and slowly some changes occurred. so you are asked me when it all started at which moment which i don't really know. but i can only feel like i'm here right now, i don't care that much, maybe it will be better.

🎤: i remember asking you back then 'are you smiling when you're happy' you said "i can't say i'm happy but i'm lucky”

XZ: i also feel very happy now, i am very lucky now

🎤: if you say so then i was also very happy it was a perfect five years. i think if you say so are lucky and happy in five years this show you have actually gone very far in the past five years. how to say this..you may not always gone so smoothly but you really is. so it's better to it to go smoothly. i hope the next five years will be smoother.

XZ: yes, just like what i do every year. people will ask me what kind of blessings do you have for yourself in the new year or give it to someone who likes you? i will says "safe and smooth" people may think that being smooth and healthy is so simple but let's think of it carefully it's not that simple at all. it's again a wish, a blessings.

🎤: so if you want to say something to everyone in 2025…

XZ: it still the same sentence "safe and smooth" i think it's safe and smooth for now then other will come follow naturally.

🎤: alright that's all for now. i have no other questions left. i am looking forward to the next five years with you.

XZ: thank you

[xia0mi-c0m]

The proshipping problem in the twst fandom | A rant.

Very obvious trigger warning for things normal for proshippers like p3dophilia, incest, etc.

Though I do know proshippers will be in every single fandom, it's getting especially worse in the twst fandom, specifically the Japanese side of the fandom (with some discussions about some in the English side too).

Before any proshippers come into the comment section: Proshipping is NOT a healthy coping mechanism. If your therapist recommended it, they should be fired.

This post is not to dehumanize and degrade underage proshippers as they have been obviously groomed into believing that it was okay to ship this sort of stuff.

The actual elephant in the room we WILL be shunning is the adult proshippers who actively encourage children (either actually or under law) to proship.

Before getting fully deep in this subject, I would like to admit something that I've talked about before.

I was a proshipper when I was younger than what I am now. This was because, not getting into too much detail, I was groomed by a man online to the point that i thought it was okay.

Not only was I a proshipper but I was also a darkshipper, problematic comshipper, and also supported the things present in Dead Dove fanfics.

In fact, I had an account on some sort of forum page with other proshippers and I shared my nasty ships there. I believed it was a good way of desensitizing myself to my trauma that fucked me up heavily, but it wasn't and it was making me relive the same trauma which in return, made it worse.

This is why I say that I do not want anyone to shun underage proshippers, they were groomed into it half of the time.

Now that I'm 18 (About to turn 19 on February 14th), I finally understand that proshipping is an unhealthy way of approaching your trauma and pain.

It may feel like it does something, but it really doesn't. And I want to reassure you that you're not alone in your pain, please, find other ways to cope and process what has happened to you that doesn't include glorifying very nasty things.

Now with that out the way, I would like to say what the title says.

Proshippers in the twst fandom has sadly grown overtime, but my niece made a very good point; stating that since twst does have a slightly dark story, that people with dark and nasty thoughts and ideas will be attracted to it, much like a moth to a flame that damages it's already fragile body.

There have been adults in the twst proshipper area, and I think they're the main cause of fueling minors in the fandom to do the same thing. Maybe with or without knowing the eventual psychological consequences.

The adults who are aware sadly lure and prey on the gullible underage individuals of the fandom, and though that might seem like an overexaggeration; it sadly is true.

I am Japanese, well, half-Japanese. But even then, due to that fact, I'm more prevalent in the Japanese fandom than the English fandom though I am trying to balance out both.

Since I am more present in the Japanese side of the fandom than I am with the English side (because I'm basically like an absent dad that went off to get the milk and never came back until years), I have seen a lot of shit in here and it's very scary even to this day.

Though the English side of the fandom is as equally bad, the Japanese side is worse with the whole l0li and sh0ta thing. Sadly I have seen English twst accounts do those things too.

The most popular proshipper you may know is Ugigi or however the fuck you spell her name, whether one likes to admit it or not, her selfships were very much proshipping. This is mainly due to how her OC could've been her actual age which was in her 20s if I'm remembering correctly.

But let's say the OC wasn't, it would still be problematic (but not in the proship way) since the characters she drew NSFW of were mainly the minors (again, if I remember correctly). If her OC was her actual age then she would be a proshipper.

However, watever the age of the OC she always drew, it's obvious that it was still leaning more on proshipping because that indicates that she's attracted to the characters despite knowing they're minors (and not even aging them up by the way).

So, very nasty, I was thinking of putting her In the TWs 😭

All jokes aside, proshipping is disgusting.

In fact, must I bring up any other thing?

LEECHCEST.

WHAT.

Well, you heard that right, people ship Floyd and Jade. Seriously, what is wrong with you guys. And I think I know why this ship is so popular in the Japanese fandom; The fact incest is not necessarily illegal in Japan in a way.

Yeah. You heard me correctly. I'm horrified and scarred for life <3

"Surely there isn't anymore I shall talk about, right? Right?? RIGHT?!?" I exclaim, not expecting anything else to come from the sky and hit me.

Then boom..

SHROUDCEST.

OH FUCK NOT AGAIN.

So, apparently people ship a dead robotic little boy with his big brother.. yeah... FNAF fandom called, they're telling you not to steal their bit much like how Deejus is trying to tell Johnny RaZeR not to steal his "YOUTUBEEE" outro bit that.. he also stole.

It can't get any worse than this, right? This is definitely the last tier of the iceberg, surely? Perhaps??-

KINGSCHOLARCEST.

Okay, now we're pushing it, this bit is getting old but whatever.

Kingscholarcest can refer to three (disgusting) "ships": A nasty ship of Cheka x Leona, a nasty ship of Falena x Leona, or a nasty ship of Falena x Leona x Cheka.

Sweet home Alabama all around but more extreme..

I think we all know why these ships are not okay and are disgusting (ESPECIALLY CHEKA X LEONA SINCE CHEKA IS A GOO GOO GA GA BABY.)

Finally.. It's over.. I can go back to ranting!-

FELLOW X GIDEL.

JESUS CHRIST STOP.

This madness needs to stop because if not I'm going to pull my fucking hair out!-

LILMAL, SILVER X LILIA, S-

OKAY STOP IT RIGHT HERE,, THE BIT IS OLD NOW.

So, I think you get my point.

Borderline incestuous ships, the drake specialty, and straight up sweet home right to Alabama.

Now, let's put aside the jokes and get serious again.

With all the things I have stated, you can definitely see the absolute horror of some parts of the fandom.

There's accounts that are VERY hypocritical, saying "P3dos DNI" when they are a sh0ta/l0licon. This is the literal definition of hypocrisy at it's finest.

There are mfs who have unironically said that Cheka was hot and romantically cute.. HE'S 7 YEARS OLD. OR MAYBE YOUNGER. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER BUT I DO KNOW HE IS A CHILD.

I have said this MANY times before and I'll say it again; if that characters looks like a child, THEY ARE A CHILD.

Even if you age up characters like Ortho, Cheka, etc. You are still self-reporting that you're attracted to a literal child.

Fiction DOES affect reality no matter if you try to plug your mickey mouse ears with your fingers (or paws, I don't know) to gaslight yourself into believing it doesn't truly affect it.

In fact, there have been cases where people have been arrested for having l0li/sh0ta on their devices, though, sadly, its not a long sentence despite how it should be lifelong.

But even without the lifelong sentence, the law still considers l0li/sh0ta CSAM. (I hate calling it CP now since that implies that kids can do that in their own will.)

A grown adult proshipper even told me when I criticized Kanna from dragon maid for being a little girl the author sexualizes to no end all because I said that she doesn't have a listed age that I was being "contradicting" and I think this proves that.. proshippers DON'T know what contradictions ACTUALLY are because they've gaslit so much into believing this disgusting behavior is normal and okay to do.

And don't get me started on Dead Dove cai, chai, etc. bots and fanfics.

Dead Dove, proshipping, problematic comshipping, darkshipping, doveshipping, etc. doesn't give out awareness to the horrors of such depraved acts.

Another very nasty thing I've seen in the TWST fandom is people shipping the staff with the students, mainly Crewel with Deuce.

Teacher x Student is disgusting no matter what. Teachers are always more grown than the students, so yeah, teachers aren't the anime boy or girl of your dreams or something, he or she's going to be old and otherwise not "attractive" and young.

The training to become a teacher and any profession in fact will take years, which means you'll grow and turn old.

I understand many say "Well, it's just fiction!" but these people seem to forget that young individuals, especially young girls, can see these teacher x student fiction and will probably, in the worst case scenario, get the wrong impression from it, ESPECIALLY if the media glamorizes and romanticize it, and sadly become a victim.

Crewel, If I'm not wrong, is 31 meanwhile Deuce and the other first years that [Crewel] mainly gets shipped with are 16 years old.

This is not only a disgusting, vomit-inducing age gap but huge maturity gap whether one likes to admit so or not.

Yanderes especially in the twst fandom get romanticized, and people seem to forget the reality of the abuse that yanderes put their "love interest(s)" through.

And I think this is why fandoms (not just twst) should stop romanticizing yanderes and student x teacher, and vice versa.

Besides, these two tropes are grooming even if the victim is not a minor, adults and the elderly alike can also be groomed especially if they're gullible and need to depend on someone (for either a disability or something).

People will probably invalidate my point but I don't budge from what I said.

Sorry if this posts looks rushed and/or maybe even incoherent to some, I just wanted to get this off my chest and stuff.

I should start ranting more, I like yapping so yeah, expect more whenever I'm bored :3

Anyways, BAIIII!!

YOUTUBEEEEEE flies away into the void to the right

[thevixenwitch]

Metaphysical Shop Red Flags:

Little bit of a disclaimer on this one: This post is made from my personal experience. If you have a small business, this post is not about you, but hey if some of these things stand out to you, maybe it's worth analyzing your business model.

I am someone that's been active in irl and online pagan and witch spaces for over a decade now, and am compiling this from my own experiences, as well as those of my partners. I'm also a tad anti-capitalist, so an alternative title for this post could be "How to Spot if You're Actually that Metaphysical Shop's Cash Cow".

Now, let's get started.

Unknown or unethically sourced White Sage is a really noticeable starting place. Once I was at a market and saw cute smoke cleansing bundles with dried flowers and cinnamon sticks and quartz points, very pretty, very flashy! But when I asked where the Sage was sourced, the lady manning the booth said they were from Amazon. Some sellers value visual appeal to make a sale over anything else.

Overt appropriation via bulk, drop shipped items like “smudging” tools, dream catchers, etc. This list of items can vary dramatically based on who owns the shop, what practices exist in your area, so it’s good to educate yourself on how to spot appropriation. This does NOT mean ethically sourced options that benefit marginalized communities, that’s what we want to insist our local shops have for us to buy!

On that note, a lack of local creators and/or sourcing in general. Not every store has a goal of being a community hub, but beyond that they are still very visible aspects of the community. It strikes me as very odd that I can more reliably buy locally sourced herbs from a random gift shop than I can from a metaphysical store no matter which state I’m in.

Crystals with no information about where they were sourced. There is a growing issue with the intense demand for crystals that has caused an increase in unethical sources, so knowing where your purchases come from is important. Compare prices at metaphysical shops to those at your local rock shop, especially if you are lucky enough to have one run by gemologist, geologist, or rockhound. I have talked about this already elsewhere, so I won’t bog down this post too much with it. The short of it is, transparency is a green flag.

This one may be controversial, but dramatic markups in general. Don’t be afraid to compare prices to other places, particularly other local options if they are available. A few dollars variance is normal, but a huge markup should be obvious. Things like location can have a huge impact on price, which is good to keep in mind. The availability and price of something can vary wildly based on that factor alone, but that’s why I recommend checking against other options within your area. Do remember that comparing to Amazon prices isn’t fair to small businesses, and “cheap” is not the goal here.

If the contents of the store are all drop-shipped, or bulk stock that can definitely be something to keep an eye out for. If the place is full of items you can actually look up on Amazon, that may be worth paying attention to.

Prevalence of well-known problematic authors. If they have Silver Ravenwolf on a central display, that’s always something that tells me a shop prioritizes making a sale over providing quality products. If there’s an overwhelming presence of Lewellyn published books with minimal alternatives, that shows a lack of care for diversity or quality control.

AI items. Let’s be so for real here. Walking into a shop and seeing an obviously AI generated altar cloth with gibberish symbols all over it is a bad thing. I’ll talk more on the rising presence of AI that’s very negatively influencing the quality of information available in the pagan community at a later time.

Bulk resin and 3D printed items. We’ve all seen them, the vendor at a fair with an army of dozens of jointed dragons, or ten resin-cast, glitter-filled Gaia statues that light up! All so sparkly, colorful, and eye-catching. I’d implore anyone to learn more about how much plastic waste is involved in bulk production of low-quality products like this.

What my wife likes to call “Apple Store vibes”. Call me traditional, but when a store is all sleek white lines and tidy, understocked shelves, I know I’m in for some of the highest prices for incense I’ve ever seen. These stores are meant to bring in people with money burning a hole in their pocket, and that’s often reflected in the visually appealing kitsch that never actually seems to serve a purpose.

This can be a red flag SOMETIMES but not always: A lack of diversity in the paths represented. Sometimes a shop is just a reflection of the owner’s personal practice, or the focuses of the local community. Other times, there can be a reflected air of superiority of one path over others. This is entirely dependent on the individual store.

A big one I’d like to end on; they only host paid classes and services with no way for under-served members of the community to attend or participate. This is made even worse if the events are all over $20. Especially if this store is the only option in your area for these things! Instead of providing a service, they could be focused on cornering the market.

A quick Green Flag for some positivity, the presence of the owners or staff’s personal practice! I love being able to ask for insight from the source, I love being able to buy someone’s personal oil blends, I love learning more about things I may not have thought about because I’m not walking that path myself. Staff that want to chat and help can be so nice and really add to a welcoming environment.

Supporting small businesses is so important, and they can really be cornerstones of our community, but we need to be able to see the difference between someone passionate about providing resources and space to a community, and others that are looking to make a quick buck off of people starving for that. We as consumers need to hold our communities to some kind of standard, and I for one find that my standard is a certain level of authenticity. Not everyone selling metaphysical tools and supplies is trying to scam someone, but there are bad actors everywhere. Educate yourself, keep your eyes open, and don’t be afraid to ask yourself what someone’s motivations are.

[xinganhao]

some thoughts and extra content on my how is your youth? mini-series, where booseoksoon are your youth ✦ stories of the past (soonyoung), present (seokmin), and future (seungkwan).

(1) as mentioned, all titles are from day6's remember us : youth part 2. being a carat x myday strikes again lol. the references are very loose/barely there, but this is one of the first albums i think of when i think of the word 'youth'! it also has some of my favorite day6 songs of all time. (:

(2) when the series was but an idea clanging around in my brain, i went to maplegyu for advice. i gave her an inch ('dk is childhood crush coded'), and in turn, she gave me a mile ('a playmate u met for the summer that impacted ur life but never saw again'). when i say maple has helped me come up with some of my best ideas, i mean it. attaching her review here because it gave me so much joy!

(3) i couldn't find the photos that would pull it off, but i wanted seokmin to show off the rings that he still had from reader ): in my imagination, the rings are the plastic, toy type that you win from a gashapon machine/can buy at the cornerstone/et cetera. some visuals -ish:

(3.1) when reader and seokmin start dating, he starts wearing the ring in a necklace. he also never stops calling reader his 'wife' despite protests.

(4) no better place to drop this, but here's a panel that didn't make it into the final smau because of space/pacing issues! would have been towards the ending. (:

(5) i hadn't intended for lorde's ribs to be a recurring theme throughout the work, but it helped me realize that i wanted each of the readers to have internal conflicts (as much as bss might have). it ended up going as follows:

so cool!reader being scared of growing old

121U!reader holding grudges

days gone by!reader moving on from what-could-have-been's

(6) the first rain of may (referred to as unang ulan ng mayo in my country, and agua de mayo in spanish) is viewed as mentioned— something that's supposed to be 'healing'. it felt most appropriate to associate with seokmin, who embodies healing in his own way. 🌻

(7) the idea of focusing on soonyoung's taekwondo history is once again maple's, and the specifics on the rivalry (i.e. lacing up armor, pulling during stretches, racing during suicides) are all from sarangcoups. i felt very strongly about a childhood!soonyoung being a little bit annoying over having a crush— the type who mistakenly believed that bullying = affection.

(8) by this point, i started locking in the idea of each boy representing either the past, present, or future, which is laid out more clearly as follows:

seokmin, who associates reader as his youth which he wants in the present

soonyoung, who carried his past with him and learns from it on the daily

seungkwan, who plans to face the future with the love he received from his youth

(9) i realized belatedly that soonyoung's smau is shorter than the others, which is why i tried to compensate with a longer -ish headcanon format. nonetheless, it was fun to explore his voice both in the texts and the written part. he's still a little obnoxious, but it's endearing. out of all the work in the series, this one feels like the one that's likeliest to get more parts (but don't hold me to it! haha).

(10) up until posting, i was on the fence about whether i should conclude seungkwan's story the way that it ended. that's why i ended up publishing it a couple days off 'schedule', primarily because i had to contemplate whether i was cheating seungkwan out of a 'happy ending' because soonyoung/seokmin got theirs.

and so maybe that's why i feel like i have a soft spot for this particular verse now because it helped me remember something important: romantic love is not the end all be all. a happy ending is still possible without it. how foolish of me to forget that, and how apt is it for me to be reminded with a story of seungkwan when it's something he would very easily tell people in a heartbeat.

(11) the alternate romantic ending would have still featured a similar line wherein seungkwan insists that 'kwannie' belongs to reader, but i pulled it out at the last minute when i realized— 'kwannie' doesn't exist anymore. it's a past version of him, one that the reader has maybe romanticized in her head. so, yes.

high school almost-lover 'kwannie' is reader's, but present-day 'seungkwan' is not.

(12) MOAs might recognize this, but the last line of seungkwan's interview is from a well-known soobin quote. it's something i think of constantly, and i feel like it's also something that seungkwan himself would believe in.

(13) another slide i cut for space reasons (replaced with seungkwan's '27' tweet):

it was posed as a gentle reminder from reader -> seungkwan that, as the lyric goes, life has just begun. it's also a prompt for him to not pick up only on the sad parts of the song/life, when the good lyric/part is in the very next breath.

tl;dr, your youth is whatever you want it to be. whether you are stuck in the past, living in the present, or afraid of the future— know that there is a love that waits, and it will be a good love. i promise you that.

like i always say: this story was mine once, but it's all yours now. ❥ thank you for reading along, and happy bss comeback szn!

how is your youth? 📢 a booseoksoon three-parter.

three independent smaus featuring booseoksoon, who you've had the pleasure of knowing throughout various stages of your life. or: verses where bss are your youth.

ⓘ synopses under the cut. aus will be linked back here once posted. happy bss comeback season, everyone!

do you remember...

so cool ✮ seokmin x reader.

... the kid you pretend-married on the playground? you were only 'spouses' for one summer, but you have the photographic evidence to prove it. it would be nice to know how he's doing, right?

121U ✮ soonyoung x reader.

... the annoying guy from your after-school taekwondo class? you hated his guts. you don't even really care much for the sport anymore; you just want to get back at him for making your life a living hell.

days gone by ✮ seungkwan x reader.

... your first love from high school? sure, you never really dated him, but your feelings were very much valid. whether they've stood the test of time is the real question— and it looks like you're about to to get some answers.

with love, kae ✎ a very special shoutout to the best of the best, @maplegyu, for helping me brainstorm some of these (..◜ᴗ◝..) starting the year with bss, lfg!

all titles are from day6's remember us : youth part 2.

› scroll through all my work ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ my masterlist | @xinganhao

[gloomyluvr]

TANS AND WHORES (just one and his name's rafe)

in which rafe plans a last minute beach day

fem!reader x rafe cameron

fluff

warnings!: playful whore and slut shaming (between reader and rafe), not a warning but reader is kinda suggested to have darker skin than rafe

a/n: may the ancestors forgive me for writing about a white man who'd probably call me a beaner if he was real 😓🙏. it's so hard to write any petnames in english cuz it's not what the language i use for petnames typically. but i have to compromise and have reader call rafe something silly or simply just rafe 🥸 pls lmk of any spelling errors tysm!

beach days with the pogues were definitely one of your favorite past times. no doubt about it. there was just something so intimate about spending the whole day together by the ocean without a single care in the world other than partying, surfing and being inebriated. 

but you loved beach days with rafe cameron just a bit more. especially when rafe was the one who planned them.

it was only 10am when the buzzing of your phone from under your pillow had awoken you. you groaned, annoyed that someone had disrupted your beauty sleep. without even looking at the contact , you answered the call. 

“what.” you made no effort to hide your annoyance. 

“hey baby, you just waking up?” 

quickly, you sat up. your sour mood instantly turns sweet at the sound of your boyfriend's voice. “hey sexy, yeah sorry i slept real late last night. what’s up?”

rafe chuckled at the switch up, “the uv’s at 9 and supposed to reach 11 so, i thought we should go to the beach. it’d be perfect for you to try that oil.”

“aww you remembered! you’re such a cutie patootie, awww!” you teased.

“yeah yeah, whatever. anyways, i have our bag packed. i want you ready by 10:30. i’m about to leave tannyhill.”

you pulled your phone away to check the time and gasped. “rafe it’s already 10:16! that’s not enough time to get ready!” 

“yes it is, you don’t needa put on makeup or do your hair. just throw on a fucking bikini,” he demanded, “i already packed some extra clothes in the bag just in case we go somewhere after.”

you groaned into the phone dramatically, letting your frustration be known. but rafe stayed unbothered, already used to your bratty attitude.

“10:30.” he restated before hanging up.

at the beach, rafe set up your spot with your towels, umbrella, and chairs all while you stood next to him serving looks. once everything was set, you kneeled on your towel while digging into the bag rafe had messily packed, desperately searching for your tanning oil as rafe sat on the towels behind you, putting on sunscreen as you had advised him the u.v. rays were far too intense for his sensitive pale skin to handle.

“baby can you get my back please.” 

you looked back at rafe only to find his bare back facing you, “put on a shirt whore!” 

“you’re literally wearing the skimpiest bikini ever, slut!” rafe called back, used to your usual antics. 

you gasped, “i’m gonna let you burn until your skin flakes off.” you threatened, smacking the blonde’s back causing him to grunt.

“do it then.” he challenged, knowing you would never let him suffer such pain. responding in a sigh you stayed quiet as you gave in and covered his freckled back with spf. “how come you can practically be naked while i can’t even take my shirt off.” 

“because,” you massaged the sunscreen into rafe’s tense muscles, “i’m super hot and sexy and i have an even hotter and sexier, jacked, six foot something boyfriend who can fight. unfortunately for him, my manicures matter to me too much to wanna ruin them. that and i can't fight for shit. okayyy my turnnn!”

you quickly handed rafe the expensive ass tanning oil you begged him for. according to you, it worked wayyy quicker than the typical drugstore oils that had barely even tinted your naturally tan skin plus it even had skin benefits or some bullshit.

 rafe only hummed, before switching places with you. he poured the greasy oil into his hands, rubbing them together. he scoffed, not believing he had spent nearly 100 dollars on the oil. not that it had hurt his wallet or anything, he just didn’t understand what the big deal was. regardless he bought it for you just to see the smile he loved so dearly.

large hands began messily roaming your back. rafe made sure to get every nook and cranny of your back, partly because he wanted to protect you from the sun, but mostly because he would take whatever chance he could to touch you. 

“want me to help you with your front too?” rafe asked ever so kindly, but you looked back at him to see him with the biggest smirk on his face that immediately let you know this generous offer was nowhere as innocent as it seems. he raised his eyebrows, eager for a response.

“fine, but don’t be nasty.” you turned back around, patiently waiting for rafe as you watched the waves crash.

“yea yea, whatever you want.” rafe muttered. you didn’t have to see your boyfriend to know that he had the biggest smile on his face, with no intention of staying true to his word.

bonus a/n: originally, this was supposed to be a bit longer, i was gonna write them in the water just bullying each other but then it became really suggestive and like i scrapped it.

i write to have a lil rafe cameron fluff in the sea of smuts and angst 😓 and yet here i was, close to unintentionally writing smut !!! beyondddd ashamed of myself. but no hate to smut writers, i love u freaks 🙂‍↕️

[thefadecodex]

Our first real exposure actually beings with the Grand Oak tree in DAO! (Thank you @meganooooooooooooooo for pointing this out!)

Players began to notice a distinct cadence in Solas's speech during interactions in DAI. Notably, when he recounts moments from the Fade, his voice occasionally takes on a rhythm and tone reminiscent of a hymn or chant, evoking the cadence of "Hallelujah."

This has led The Fade Codex to theorize that this cadence reflects a dialect used by spirits—an ancient, rhythmic way of communication that blends emotion and intent through a deliberate structure.

(note: @the-northern-continent does a great breakdown of the Hallelujah cadence vs iambic pentameter in this post. And @liaragaming does a good breakdown of Solas speaking in that cadence in this post.)

This concept is further explored in Dragon Age: The Veilguard through various encounters with spirits. Below are examples that demonstrate this rhythmic, almost lyrical, pattern in their speech:

The Anxious Spirit (A Spirit of Comfort) - Arlathan Forest

"Trapped. Can't get out. It hurts. It's dark. Please. They didn't know what to do. They didn't want to die."

TRAPPED. CAN'T get OUT. It HURTS. It's DARK. PLEASE. They DIDN'T know what to DO. They DIDN'T want to DIE.

"Stop the thoughts. Stop the fears. Quiet, please. Make it quiet."

STOP the THOUGHTS. STOP the FEARS. QUI-et, PLEASE. MAKE it QUI-et.

Eulogy (Originally a Spirit of Compassion) - Minrathous

"Something larger stirs. Calling the desperate. I cannot see what."

SOME-thing LARG-er STIRS. CALL-ing the DES-per-ATE. I CAN-not SEE what.

"Know the hope you bring Dock Town thwarts it. And may you continue."

KNOW the HOPE you BRING. DOCK TOWN THWARTS it. AND may YOU con-TIN-ue.

"As you found their names, I felt them whisper through the Fade."

As YOU found their NAMES, I FELT them WHIS-per THROUGH the FADE.

"My own name changed. I am now Eulogy."

My OWN name CHANGED. I AM now EU-lo-GY.

Hope Unyielding - Hossberg Wetlands

"Light glimmers the surface. Flowers break through snow. Hope unexpected. I am such."

LIGHT glim-MERS the SUR-face. FLOW-ers BREAK through SNOW. HOPE un-EXPECT-ed. I AM SUCH.

"No. But nor was I forever."

NO. But NOR was I for-EV-er.

Pluck - Hall of Valor

"What foul-hearted spirit tugs at the corners of your lips to turn them down so?"

What FOUL-heart-ed SPIR-it tugs at the COR-ners of your LIPS to TURN them DOWN so?

"Greetings, Mourn Watcher. You are a long ways from Nevarra."

GREET-ings, MOURN Watch-er. YOU are a LONG ways from Ne-VAR-ra.

Emmrich (to Pluck)

"Hail to you, child of Valor. As voice of our lightless shores, I pray your blade may never sunder."

HAIL to YOU, child of VAL-or. As VOICE of our LIGHT-less SHORES, I PRAY your BLADE may NEV-er SUN-der.

Pluck

"You honor me. Few remember the old ways."

You HON-or ME. Few re-MEM-ber the OLD WAYS.

The phrase "the old ways," as used by Pluck, is believed to reference this rhythmic, cadenced speech. It’s a pattern steeped in intent, echoing the emotional resonance of the Fade itself.

Grand Oak - West Brecilian Forest

(image source)

What manner of beast be thee that comes before this elder tree?

What MAN-ner of BEAST be THEE that COMES be-FORE this EL-der TREE?

Ahhhh, yes, I remember thy kind. So brief of life and all but blind to the peril you cause, the lives you take, such chaos is down within thy wake.

AHHH, yes, I re-MEM-ber THY kind. SO brief of LIFE and ALL but BLIND. To the PER-il you CAUSE, the LIVES you TAKE. Such CHA-os is DOWN with-IN thy WAKE.

This dialect may serve as both a form of communication and an expression of a spirit's essence, allowing them to convey ideas, emotions, and purpose in a way that transcends mere words.

This theory deepens our understanding of how spirits interact with mortals and each other, highlighting the unique and poetic nature of their existence.

[azrielover]

Skyfall : Beyond

Azriel x oc fic! It’s not completely important to read the first part unless you want the background of how they first met (some things may make for sense though)

Go to the masterlist to see more parts and timeline! 🖤

Summary: Azriel is let out of his cell for the first time at six years old. His best friend is there to protect him.

Warnings: Child abuse

Word Count: 2.8k

Skyfall Masterlist: click here

31BCE

“Az?”

Drip. Drip.

“Azriel?”

The cells felt darker today. More dangerous. Noelle felt uneasy as she made her way down the familiar path to Azriel’s cell, trying to avoid the cold, damp stone walls from touching her soft skin.

For the past two years, Noelle had been coming down to visit Azriel all alone, giving him food, blankets and good company. She told him fantastical stories of the world above and he offered up some gruesome ones of his one. Stories of Kraven and Matteo coming down for nothing else but to torture him with their words, stories of Lord Tobias, who she no longer considered her father, giving the orders for the guards to unleash their cruelties onto the small boy, stories she would not have believed if it were not of the proof right in front of her eyes.

The rest of the noble Illyrian family were away making their appearances to the surrounding camps. Noelle had insisted she was too ill to travel and convinced Lady Thera to let her stay in bed. The lady had seemed unconvinced but still followed her husband and boys, stopping to Noelle’s bedside with a quick kiss to the forehead and promising to be home before supper.

Her entire family had been a lie and she hated them all. Sometimes Noelle liked to dream about what her life would be like if her true mother had never died and her real father was around. It was useless thinking and only made her angry.

As she moved through the darkness, she could sense she was getting closer, the insistent tug in her chest always leading her directly to him.

“Az,” she tried again, frustrated at the lack of reply, “I swear, if you’re ignoring me again I’ll-”, Noelle halted suddenly as a wall of thick, hissing shadows, rose above her, her lips parted slightly as she took a tentative step back. The shadows took up the entire space of the corridor from floor to ceiling and slinked around one another like snakes in a cage.

Brows furrowing, Noelle reached her hand out slowly, as if to not scare them, and pushed her hand through the black mass. As soon as her fingers made contact, the shadows jerked back. She drew her hand away. Interesting indeed.

Inhaling deeply, and squeezing her eyes together hard, Noelle stepped her entire body through the shadowy wall. The change was felt almost immediately. It became achingly cold, and deafenly silent. She could sense the shadows around her, not touching, but close enough to feel the ripple in the air as they twirled.

One tentative step at a time lead her to the beginnings of her friend’s cell, “Azriel?” she whispered, raising her hands to grasp onto the strong metal bars of the cage, “where-”. She sucked in a breath as another pair of small hands wrapped around her own, violet eyes locking onto Azriel’s as he stood on the other side. “Ellie?” he asked softly, resting his head on the bar closest to her own.

“Oh Az,” she breathed, readjusting her grip on him as she noticed his damp cheeks and red eyes, “what did they do this time?” The boy in front of her shook his head, eyes clamping shut. It wouldn’t be easy to get him to tell her how he was feeling, although it never was. Over the past two years, Noelle had been able to find out quite a bit more about Lord Tobias’ secret affair child.

Number one. He loves moon flowers.

“Really?!”, she remembered saying, laughing slightly at the absurdity of it all, “but I thought you’ve never left this place. How in the mothers name do you know-” He cut her off silently, gesturing to the miniature window above him, “They bloom once a year right up there,” the window rested at ground level and was covered by Thera herself, who had planted an array of extravagant plants to hide the evils that lay beneath her home, “once, they came through the wards and said hello to me.”

Noelle later found out that his mother had taught him all this when she came to visit once and claimed that the night they bloomed fell on his birthday. Every single year. The moonflower was his mothers favourite so naturally he claimed them for himself as well, something they could share.

Number two. The shadows could speak to him.

A year into their daily meetings lead by Noelle, Azriel had confessed to her that the shadows of his cell had started to whisper things to him. He explained they only used to sing him lullabies at night when he was younger, but now it seemed he was beginning to understand them. He had Noelle convinced that the lack of daylight had done some permanent mental damage and he had offically gone insane, yet her curiosity won her over and she began her own research on ‘speaking shadows’.

As a noble lady of the Blackwell household in Illyria, she had private tutors and handmaids at her disposal. And although it was near damning if an Illyrian woman received an education on anything other than childbearing and motherhood, the servants usually turned a blind eye if they saw her wandering towards the manor’s library.

Number three. His mother was his whole world.

Noelle knew she visited Az once a week in his cell, and that the guards always only unlocked it for her to go in, not Az to come out. Noelle herself had never seen the female but based on the stories Azriel had whispered to her through the cell bars, she desperately wanted to.

Like clockwork, every Wednesday morning, security around and inside the manor would grow, subtly signifying her weekly visit was in session. They only ever had an hour together at most, and so when the extra Illyrian warriors had not appeared in her home this morning, Noelle began to grow suspicious. Maybe Azriel’s mother had not come today.

“Your mum,” she started slowly, “she comes down here to see you, yes?” Azriel nodded, his head lowering to the ground.

“Did she,” Noelle cocked her head to the side, trying to catch the boy’s eyes, “not come today?”

“No.”

She squeezed his hands and he finally looked up at her, “They told me no.” His eyes hardened in anger, and Noelle’s heart ached for him. His entire existence being controlled by the Blackwell’s was cruel enough, for them to refuse the one part they knew he found happiness in, well, it was utterly barbaric.

“Well.. would you like to do something with me today?” she asked, sticking her face as close to his as she could with the bars separating them, he hummed, a yes then.

“I’ve been preparing something for us,” she told him excitedly, “for weeks! Think of it as a distraction from earlier” Azriel’s brows rose apprehensively, Noelle grinned and rolled her eyes at him, “I swear, trust me.” Sighing quietly, he nodded as if he knew he had no choice anyway, how could he ever refuse her anything?

Noelle stepped back and broke away from him, “So, you know how I’ve been training my magic with Miss Cordelia?” Azriel’s head dipped once in answer, “And you also know how in order to get you out of the cell we would need to unlock the wards?” His head nodded again, “Well Azzy, I have figured it out!” The expression stuck on his face seemed to say, what are you talking about crazy girl? Letting out a dramatic sigh of exasperation, Noelle closed her eyes and held her hands up to the cell door, “Let me show you then”.

Light, pure light, slowly poured out of Noelle’s outstretched hands and curled around the oval lock on the cell door. The door itself began thumbing like a heartbeat, slowly become entirely encapsulated by Noelle’s magic.

The young Illyrian girl began to sweat in effort, these wards were hard to unlock for a reason, but her magic had grown so much over the past few years that she knew it was only a matter of time before..

The door swung open.

For the first time, there was nothing separating Azriel and Noelle from barreling into each other and holding on tightly.

Azriel was laughing joyously in her arms, “I can’t believe- how did-,” she giggled in response to his blubbering, “I told you, now come on!” Noelle broke away, tugging him along the cell corridor, hand in hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pair had successfully made it out of the cells through the secret entrance which connected her room to the dungeons and outdoors. Before she and Azriel had met, she used the secret passage to sneak extra playtime with herself in the snow.

Standing together in the semi-darkness, she quietly led him over to the door which would take them outside. She could feel Azriel’s hazel eyes trained on the stone door before them.

She raised one eyebrow cheekily, “You wanna go out there?” His head whipped towards hers so suddenly, and she laughed at his disbeliving expression, as if he had just been told the greatest news of his life, which she guessed he probably just had.

“It’s still sort of green outside,” she explained reaching to open the door, “but father- Lord Tobias told me the first snow of the season is due today! Just like when I first met you.” She tugged it open with one final pull and a gust of wind blew in to meet them. The smell of fresh grass and winter chill refreshed her senses after being below ground for so long.

Turning to look at her best friend beside her, she tracked the tears that ran silently down his cheeks. Swallowing harshly he finally looked at her, “Thank you.”

She smiled up at him, even though she was a year older, at just six years old Azriel still stood over her.

Walking outside alone, Noelle gestured for Az to follow. The Illyrian boy looked down suspiciously at the green below him, “It’s grass,” Noelle confirmed for him as he nodded absentmindedly, finally taking a small step towards the girl with long white hair.

Azriel stood still for a moment, barefooted in the soil and grass, toes wiggling around. He let out a shy giggle, “Just like I dreamed they be,” she nodded enthusiastically, beckoning him closer with her outstretched hand, “the winter breeze,” he breathed in deeply, looking up in wonder, “the way it’s calling me.” Noelle saw his wings twitch in answer, and she wondered how painful it was to ignore his own instinct to fly.

Tobias had restricted her own flying practices since she was female up until she was five. When she started to get curious around the age of three, he ordered her handmaidens to tie them up with thick rope everyday. It was only forgone last year because Thera had finally put her foot down on the matter.

“She’s still an Illyrian,” she had said angrily, “and she is still our daughter.” Tobias had scoffed at that but eventually agreed to appease his wife.

Since then, she had started gliding off of high surfaces and perfecting her landing. Some of her personal guards even took her flying with them on the rare occasion they needed to stretch their own wings, holding her under her arms and allowing her to glide along beside them. However they were nearly always caught since her wings were very recognisable. White in colour, it was hard to miss when she flew across the sky.

She used to ask Thera when she was very young where her wings had come from, she always replied with, “Your mother’s goodness and light now resides inside of you, and your wings.” She always used to laugh at that, “Mama,” she would giggle, clasping Thera’s hands, “thats just not true!”

She shook her head away from the memory.

“Walk with me?” Azriel asked, now standing beside her.

“Always.”

The pair ended up sitting atop the thick branch of an ancient tree that surrounded the manor, just out of reach from any prying eyes. White wings next to black wings.

Their feet swayed back and forth as they spoke, “You know your my best friend, right Az?”

The boys head turned to face her as a shy grin spread across his face, “Well, you’re my best friend too.”

She tsked at him shaking her head slightly, “But you don’t know many other people, when you get out of here, someone else will replace me.”

“That won’t happen Ellie.”

Azriel was very serious for a six year old and the tone in his voice made Noelle laugh, “No one calls me that,” bumping her shoulder against his playfully, a knowing grin spread further across her face. She caught Azriel’s eye right before he bashfully looked down at the ground, studying the moss on the floor rather intensely.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, I don’t mind, I love it. Truely.”

They sat in comfortable silence, Azriel zipping his gaze about to try imprint everything in sight within his memory. Noelle studied him as he did so, the familiar tug in her chest pushing her to get closer. Flicking her eyes to his absent gaze once more, she sighed. Noelle had heard of a near by camp, Windhaven, which the Lady of Night frequently visited with her young son. Every description of the Night Courts Lady seemed to hold the idea that she was kind, generous and progressive for Illyrian standards. If Noelle could get to her, maybe she could get Azriel out of his cell forever.

She would make the travel for any chance Azriel would be safe from his father forever.

“Thank you Noelle,” Azriel whispered, “For the first time ever, I feel completely free.”

She flung herself at him for the second time that day before he had the chance to protest, squeezing tightly.

He squeezed back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several hours had passed since the young shadow singer and light wielder had stepped outside early this morning. It had started to snow as they played and chased eachother around the manor grounds, giggling and laughing freely.

Azriel’s feet were becoming more and more frostbitten by the minute as he didn’t own a pair of shoes himself, but Noelle bounded ahead freely. If Azriel hadn’t known for certain they were in Illyria, he would have thought that she was the princess of the Winter Court from one of Noelle’s extravegant novels she retold rather animatedly to him.

He watched as she raised her head to the sky to let the snow flakes fall on her pale skin and platinum curls. He tracked the frost as it landed on her sharp nose, melting softly into her.

She danced gracefully, as she always was, but seeing her above ground in the daylight made her look ethereal. The familiar thread connecting himself to his companion glowed brightly in recognition of the young Illyrian’s thoughts.

He was so entraptured with her, Azriel hadn’t heard the ugly stomping of his half-brothers boots behind him, getting closer, and closer.

“Now what do we have here?”

Azriel froze and Noelle blanched at the bulky figure behind him.

The two locked eyes and Noelle shook her head slightly in his direction.

Do not turn around.

“Matteo, please.”

The voice that taunted Azriel’s nightmares laughed cruelly, “Stupid girl.”

Azriel felt the wind shift and Matteo launched himself into the air, soaring high, no doubt running off to tell Lord Tobias of his findings.

“Azriel,” Noelle turned to him stoicly, “get back to the hidden door and into you’re cell. You have never been outside. You do not know me. I do not know you. Got it?” He nodded, though her words created a deep hole in his chest.

“Good-bye Ellie” he whispered moving to turn away,

“Bye-bye Azzy” she sniffled back.

Then he ran.

Through the snow covered trees and frosted ground, atop frozen lakes and icy blades of grass, into the dark stone corridors he grew to know all too well as he pushed open the hidden stone door, deeper and deeper into the dungeons of the manor. Letting his shadows show him the way, Azriel pumped his straining legs faster, but it hurt so much, he had never run before today.

Reaching the entrance of his cell, he quickly scampered inside, shut the gate and watched as the wards reworked themselves over the metal. Slumping heavily against the stone wall, Azriel slide down in exhaustion.

His own heavy pants were all he could hear, heart pounding so hard, he could feel it vibrate into his finger tips.

He sat dazed as guards rushed down to check on him, didn’t move until they left. His head did whip upright as the sound of faint voices cascaded from his cell window, whispers being carried down to him from the wind.

“Your wings, or him.” His father.

“What?” Noelle.

He scrambled to stand at the sound of his friend. No, not her.

“You heard me girl. Your wings,” a pause, “or the bastard.”

No

“I still do not know who it is you speak of.”

All he heard next was a harsh slap and a child-like squeak before silence over took.

It was silent for a long while after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks so much for reading!!! 🖤🖤🖤

[fdelopera]

Dump those people, Anon, whenever you can. Cut them off. They are not worth your energy.

If you have to interact with them, like if they are your teachers or colleagues or bosses, don't waste your time trying to become close to them. They will stab you in the back. Maintain very clear boundaries with the people you have to interact with.

You may know some goyim who are willing to push back against the antisemitic propaganda and lies that they have been fed their whole life, and you can try to educate them. But remember the old saying: "The antisemite does not accuse the Jew of stealing because he thinks he stole something. He does it because he enjoys watching the Jew turn out his pockets to prove his innocence." If these goyim are making you "turn out your pockets" for them, DUMP THEM as fast as you can.

Also remember, during the Holocaust, the Righteous Among the Nations were fewer than 1% of Europe's population. There were fewer than 30,000 goyim who helped save Jews in a European population of over 530 million.

Be prepared for most of the goyim you know to turn on you, because statistically, they will.

Also, when you ask the question, "Would this person hide me," make sure you include their family and friends in that equation too. If you have a close friend who appears to be safe, but their family members or friends are antisemitic, then they may not be someone that you want to put your trust in.

Give your time and your resources and your energy to building up Jewish community. Full stop.

Participate at your shul. Join Jewish groups in person and online. Collect any money and any resources that you would otherwise give to goyishe charities and donate it to Jewish groups, charities, and organizations that are helping Jews. Or give to other Jews directly. If you need work done, for instance, seek out another Jew to do the job.

If you volunteer, look for volunteer opportunities that benefit other Jews. If you work on creative projects, like writing, art, etc., look for collaborators who are Jewish. If you write fanfic, seek out another Jew to beta your work.

As Jews, we need to be pooling our talents and resources into building a stronger Jewish community.

And also, start learning self-defense (or hone your self-defense skills if you've already started taking classes) -- there are lots of free resources online, and there are usually local classes as well. Arm yourself to the extent that you feel comfortable (I carry pepper spray and a knife when I go out), and learn about the self-defense laws and your self-defense rights in the area where you live.

Have some emergency bags packed that you can grab at a moment's notice. If you don't have a passport, apply for one now. If you do have a passport, make sure that your passport and your driver's license/ID are up to date.

Be prepared for the Jew-hate that is infecting the world to get a lot worse, because it will.

And most importantly, stay strong. We have outlived our enemies for 3500 years, and we will outlive our enemies now. The Jewish people are going to stand our ground. We're not going anywhere.

Am Yisrael Chai.

nothing is more terrifying than the way it feels like the whole world is against us. otherwise rational people, otherwise socially conscious people, people who I thought were friends, people I see every day in class, fucking professors, content creators, people with influence. I know this sentiment has been expressed a million times over but it's still so hard to comprehend how rabid with hatred so many people are. how many people fight tooth and nail to disprove our oppression, our indigeneity, our right be alive and live in peace, our literal humanity. how do we come back from this? how do I contend with knowing how many people I trusted or used to support are fucking monsters?

I know this is maybe mostly a rhetorical question. But if anyone has any advice, I'm sure many people would appreciate it!

-🐺

[aptbelle]

FOREST BOY

pairing: earthfairy!jun x female!reader

summary: y/n was a lonely little girl. she had no friends, just her imagination and the forest behind her home to get her through the day. the forest is where she’d run to to escape reality and day dream. one day, after running from her bullies, she meets a strange, yet charming boy, wen junhui. junhui shows her what lies deeper in the forest, and she is amazed. every single day, she goes to the forest just to see junhui, and they spend hours together. one thing y/n had noticed about junhui was that she never saw him outside of the forest, nor did he have any interest in leaving. they spend every day together until y/n has to go away for college. the news breaks junhui’s heart, and he goes away, which hurt y/n in return. four years later, y/n lands a job in her hometown, allowing her to come back home. she is excited to see junhui again, but he is nowhere to be seen, no matter how far in the forest she travels. however, she meets another boy, who is very similar to junhui, or so y/n thinks.

warnings: this story only includes jun and minghao! they are characters in this and not related to the ones irl. lower case intended! this story may have possible angst!

author’s note: this is a story i had started on wattpad a couple years ago, but i never published it. so i decided to continue it on here! i hope you enjoy! i am a student, so i will update as much as i can while juggling school.

next chapter: chapter 1

CHAPTER 0: PROLOGUE

THE branches on the ground crunched as 9 year old y/n ran farther away from the neighborhood. she could hear a group of girl's following her, which made her just want to go farther. she knew most of the forest like the back of her hand, but never really made it out this far.

"you can't run forever!" one of the girls from the group yelled, "i'll get you for tripping me!"

it's not like y/n intentionally meant to trip her, her foot was just in the wrong place in front of the wrong person.

she panted as she heard the voices of the girls grow louder. she looked behind her, and could see them coming after her.

not paying attention to whats in front of her, y/n felt herself knock into something, which caused her to fall back. she hit the ground with a loud thud.

"nrggh," she groaned as she propped herself up. she put her hand on her head and winced. her forehead was burning with pain, and seemed to be bleeding too.

"ow," she heard someone else say. she quickly turned around and saw a young boy sitting on the ground in front of her. he looked up, and his eyes widened.

"oh my," he said, quickly dusting himself off and standing up, "are you okay, miss?" he asked politely and stuck his hand out.

y/n hesitantly took the boys hand, and he pulled her up. "yeah i'm okay," she said, "are you?"

"yeah, im fine!" he said, smiling. the boy had chocolate brown eyes, some of the prettiest eyes y/n had ever seen.

"there she is!" a voice yelled from behind y/n. she quickly turned around, and remembered that she was being chased.

it seems like the boy quickly took notice of this, as he kept a hold on her hand. "come on, i know a good hiding spot."

y/n hesitated once again, not knowing if she should trust the mysterious boy or not. with the girls getting closer, she had no choice but to go with him.

she nodded, as the boy began to run farther into the forest with y/n following him. her thoughts began to take her over. 'what if hes just luring me away?' 'what if hes not even a kid and some short old man?' were just some of the things she worried about.

"over here!" he said, interrupting y/n’s thoughts. he pointed to a large bush beside a pond, and the two children ran towards it.

the ran to the other side and ducked down, hiding. y/n sat down on the ground, and put her legs out. both her and the young boy were breathing heavily.

"thank you," y/n panted, smiling at the boy.

he flashed a warm smile and nodded. "my pleasure," he said, bringing his knees up to his chest, "who are those girls anyway? are they your friends?" he asked curiously.

y/n crossed her legs, and chuckled. "no, far from it," she replied to the boy.

"then why are they chasing you?" he asked, turning his head to the side.

y/n sighed. "i accidentally tripped the 'queen bee' of the group," she explained, "and i think she got pretty mad, cause now i've been chased into a forest."

the two children laughed, but quietly so that the group of girls wouldn't hear.

y/n raised her head a bit over the bush, to look for the group of girls.

"damn, where is she?" one of the girls called.

"i don't know," the queen bee of the group said. "when we find you, we'll kill you!" she yelled, and the girls' footsteps stranded farther away.

y/n sighed a breath of relief, and went back down beside the boy. she looked at the pond in front of her in awe. she had never seen it before.

"i never knew that there was a pond back here," she said, "it's beautiful."

"it really is," the boy said, standing up and walking to the edge of the pond. he turned to y/n, and motioned her to come with him.

she stood up and walked to the boy, and crouched next to him.

"look," he said, pointing to something on the water. y/n looked and saw a small frog on a lily pad. it was looking at the two children, before jumping off of the lily pad and onto the ground in front of them.

the boy held his hands out and the frog jumped right into them, croaking. he cupped his hands and sat cross-legged on the ground.

y/n joined him and watched as he held the frog so gently. most people would be scared to touch a frog, but it was as if the boy had some connection to it.

he looked up at y/n. "you wanna hold it?" he asked, holding his cupped hands out.

"uhm," y/n hummed, never having held a frog, or any small animal, for that matter.

"don't worry!" the boy said, his eyes lighting up when he smiled, "just hold your hands out like i did."

y/n hesitantly held her hands out to the boy, and he carefully placed the small frog in her hands.

she tensed up, not wanting to hurt the frog in anyway.

"just relax," the boy said, "just keep your hands like that and it'll be okay."

y/n looked at him, smiled, and looked at the frog. she took a deep breath, and relaxed her body. the frog let out a small 'ribbit,' which made the two kids chuckle.

"it must like you," the boy said, and y/n nodded in agreement.

only a few seconds after he said that, the frog jumped its way up y/n’s arm. she began to feel her body tense up again.

"oh!" the boy noticed, and he reached to grab the frog off of her arm, "it's quite energetic, isn't it?"

"y-yeah," she replied, her voice shaky.

"don't worry, it's fine! frogs do that all the time," the boy said, as the frog began climbing up his arm too. "see?"

y/n softly smiled as the boy took the frog off his shoulder.

"i'm wen junhui, by the way," the boy said, holding his free hand out.

y/n took his hand in hers, and shook it. "i'm y/n," she said, introducing herself.

junhui smiled as he let go of xinya's hand. "you know what, y/n?"

y/n cocked her head to the side. "what?" she asked junhui.

he gave her another sweet smile. "i feel like we're gonna be good friends."

-

and that they were, good friends. would spend every day together.

jun showed y/n every little aspect of the forest. she visited him every single day after school and spent hours exploring with him. she had finally found a good friend.

but like all good things, it slowly came to an end.

-

y/n, now 17 years old, ran up to her room and slammed the door. she bit her tongue and sighed, letting the tears fall down her cheek as she remembered her mothers words.

"the only available dorms are going to be closed if you don't move in right now. this is the greatest college in the country, you need to go." her mother's voice repeated in her head over and over like a broken record.

'i can't leave yet,' she said to herself, sniffling and sitting on the bed. she thought about having to leave junhui, the one person who she trusted in that god forbidden town. the only person who ever listened to what she would say. the only person who cared for her.

'i just can't.'

she laid back on the pillows and stared at the ceiling, her thoughts running all over the place. the main thought that was taking over her mind was how junhui would feel when he found out. she couldn't bare the sight of seeing him hurt.

she sat up and wiped another tear that fell from her eyes. she turned her head over and looked beside her.

"hey there, m'lady," someone from the window called to y/n. it was junhui, sitting in the window sill and giving her a smile.

she jumped, before sighing. "christ, jun, you scared the shit out of me," she said, putting her hand on her chest.

jun laughed, and fully climbed into her room. "well thats what you get for leaving you're window o-" he paused, taking a look at y/n’s face. his smile slowly faded into a concerned look.

he quickly got on the bed and sat in front of y/n, cupping her cheek. "are you crying? whats wrong?" he said worriedly and wiped a tear that was falling on y/n’s cheek.

y/n put her hand on jun's hand on her cheek. "yeah, it's nothing though," she lied, "i was just watching a sad movie."

jun gave her a sweet smile, and used his other hand to wipe tears falling down y/n’s cheek. "aw, princess," he comforted her, "don't cry! it was just a movie."

jun took his hand off of y/n’s cheek and grabbed her hand. "come on! i have something to show you!" he said excitedly.

y/n’s sniffed and gave her friend a confused look. "i-in the middle of the n-night?" she asked, her voice breaking a bit.

"yeah!" jun replied, "this is the best time to go, now come on!"

y/n’s smiled at her friend's excitement as she was pulled off the bed. jun lead her to her open window and he stepped out.

y/n’s stopped in her tracks, and furrowed her eyebrows. 'out the window?' she asked herself. "we have to go this way?" she asked.

"yeah, why not?" jun asked, popping his head back in the window.

"what if i fall?" y/n’s asked, stepping closer to the window.

"you won't fall!" jun reassured, grabbing her hand again, "i'll catch you if you do."

y/n sighed, trusting jun, and following him out the window. thankfully, there was a part of roof under her window, so she was able to step on that.

she stood straight up on the roof with jun right in front of her.

"do you want me to help you?" jun asked, holding his hand out to her.

y/n waved her hand to jun. "no, no," she said, "im fine." she laughed nervously, knowing she'd most likely fall.

she tried taking one step, but as she thought, she almost slipped. "woah!" she yelled, trying to balance herself. thankfully, before she could ever fall, jun caught her.

"come on," jun chuckled, holding her waist and hand, "i got you."

y/n’s heartbeat quickened. she was more scared now than ever. she held on to jun as tight as she could until they got to the edge of the roof.  jun let go of her, and she felt her whole body tense up.

"i'm gonna go down first," jun explained, walking over to the edge, "and then you can jump down, and i'll catch you, okay?"

y/n nodded, but she still had that gut feeling she was going to fall.

jun went to the edge, sat down, and pushed himself off the roof. y/n heard him hit the ground not too long after.

"are you okay?" y/n asked, still froze

"yeah, i'm good!" jun called from the ground.

y/n sighed. 'okay, i can do this,' she told herself, 'jun said he'd catch me.'

"come on!" jun called, "don't be afraid."

y/n gained enough courage to finally walk over to the edge. she looked down, and saw the ground. it had to be at least a 7 to 10 ft drop.

she took a few deep breaths to calm herself, and she copied jun and sat down on the edge.

she closed her eyes, once again telling herself that she would be okay. she began to count.

"1..2.." before she stopped counting, she put her hands down beside her, "..3!"

she pushed herself off of the roof, and began to fall to the ground. not even a second later, she felt hands grab onto her waist. she opened her eyes and saw jun holding her. she put her hand on his shoulders, and he set her down.

"see?" jun chuckled, looking down at y/n with his chocolate brown eyes, "it wasn't that bad!"

y/n chuckled, nodding in agreement. she took her hands off jun's shoulders, and he took his hands off her waist.

he grabbed y/n’s hand. "come on now!" he said, pulling her towards the forest. he began running, so y/n did too.

jun was a very fast runner, so y/n struggled to keep up without tripping. jun took notice of this, and slowed down to a good pace for y/n.

"what is it you're wanting to show me?" y/n asked as the two passed some trees.

"its a suprise," jun said as he began to slow down, "come on. its right this way."

he walked up to two trees, whose leaves were blocking the path between them.

"close your eyes," jun said to y/n, and she obeyed.

y/n heard the sound of leaves rustling, and felt jun pull her forward. she began walking, and felt her upper arms rub against the leaves.

"just a few more steps," jun said, and y/n could practically hear him smiling.

about two steps later, jun let go of y/n’s hand. y/n stood still, and heard jun stand beside her.

"open your eyes," he said. y/n slowly opened her eyes, and looked out in front of her.

she was standing on top of a hill that looked over the forest. thousands of trees were below her and jun.

"woah," she said, admiring the view, "its so pretty up here." she smiled, looking a jun, but he shook his head, and pointed to the sky. confused, y/n looked up, and her eyes widened.

up in the sky, thousands of stars shone. the moon was bright and big. the sky looked like one huge painting. it was...beautiful.

"oh my god," y/n said in awe, "jun, it's beautiful up here."

"you always said you wanted to go stargazing," jun said.

y/n heard something hit the ground, so she looked down, and saw jun laying down in the grass.

"so," he continued, putting his hands behind his head, "thats what we're gonna do."

y/n chuckled, and laid down right next to jun.

the stars were more visible now that she was laying down. the sight was so elegant that it felt unreal. y/n had never seen so many stars before that night. she was amazed.

"that there," jun said suddenly, pointing his finger, "is the big dipper."

y/n squinted her eyes, but couldnt see no dipper at all. "where?" she asked.

"right above my finger," jun said. y/n looked closer, and saw what looked like a huge spoon in the stars.

"i see it now!" she said, smiling.

"and if you look over this way," jun said, moving his finger over to the side, which y/n followed, "is the little dipper."

y/n looked and saw what looked like the big dipper, but small.

"woah," she said, awing at the two shapes in the sky.

the two watched the stars in the sky for what seemed like hours. jun told y/n everything he knew about stars and astrology. she could listen to him talk about it forever.

“why did you wait so long to do this?” y/n chuckled, “i’ve been wanting to do this for years.”

jun smiled. “i wanted it to be perfect for you,” he replied, “and this is the prettiest it’s ever been.”

y/n felt happy in that moment. she always felt happy with him. he was always so considerate. she felt happy doing something she had always wanted to do with him.

then, like a train, reality hit her.

she was leaving tomorrow.

leaving the forest she loved.

leaving.

leaving him.

it broke her heart knowing she had to tell him soon. she wasn't ready to leave, but she had no choice.

she was going to have to tell him in the next couple minutes, too, since she saw the sun rising in the distance.

"hey, jun?" y/n suddenly spoke up.

"yeah, whats up?" jun asked, sitting up.

y/n sighed. "thank you for tonight, this was really fun," she said to him, her smile wide.

jun smiled back. "my pleasure!" he said, "im glad you enjoyed it."

"but," y/n said, pursing her lips, which made jun's smile fade a bit, "i think i should head back. i don't want my mom finding out im not in bed."

jun nodded. "oh, yeah," he said, chuckling a bit, "it is getting late, isn't it?"

y/n chuckled and nodded, dreading going home, knowing that this was the last time they would hang out.

"do you want me to walk you home?" jun asked, interrupting y/n’s thoughts.

she nodded. "yes please," she said, and jun stood up, holding his hand out. y/n grabbed his hand and he helped her stand up. she dusted the grass and dirt of her clothes, and the two began to walk back into the forest. on the way back to y/n’s house, the two stayed silent, trying not to trip on any roots.

in about 30 minutes, y/n’s home came into view, and they stopped running.

"you know," jun said, looking at y/n, "we should do this again tomorrow."

y/n’s breath hitched. she was going to have to tell him right there. she wasn't ready. she didn't want to, but she didn't want to lead him on.

"hey, uhm," she stammered, biting her tongue, "about that." she looked down as tears flooded her eyes.

she felt jun place his hand on her cheek, and lift her head up. "hey," he said concerned, "is everything okay?"

y/n pursed her lips once again, and put her hand on jun's. she grabbed it and took it off her cheek, "i-i can't," she said, her voice breaking.

jun turned his head to the side, and furrowed his eyebrows. "can't what?" he asked her, his voice sounding worried.

"i can't go stargazing anymore," she told him, letting a tear fall down her cheek.

"why not?" jun asked, "did i do something wrong?"

y/n quickly shook her head, feeling worse by the moment. "no no," she reassured, "its not you trust me."

"then what is it?" jun asked, sounding hurt.

'i don't want to,' y/n said to herself, but she knew she had to.

"i-," she paused and sniffled, "i'm leaving tomorrow. for school."

'i did it,' she thought, feeling guilty about it all.

jun looked confused again, and as if he didn't believe her. "i thought you said you weren't leaving until a week before school started, and thats 3 months away."

y/n wiped a tear from her cheek. "the only available dorms need to be occupied right now or i won't be able to live up there. plus my mom's making me go right now, so-" she paused, and was now crying.

unexpectedly, she heard the sound of someone laughing. she looked up, and saw jun shaking his head, laughing.

"you can really be funny sometimes, you know," jun chuckled, but his eyes said otherwise, "you are joking, right?" he asked, his voice sounded hopeless.

y/n kept her head down, not wanting to tell him, or make eye contact with him.

she heard jun scoff, and looked up to see him shaking his head. "you're really leaving?" he asked, his voice breaking.

y/n nodded. "im sorry, it's not my choice," she told him, and he just laughed again.

"not your choice?" jun asked, his voice going from sounding hurt to sounding mad, "it was your choice to go to that school."

y/n kept silent, not knowing how to respond, but she knew she was just making it worse.

"so, thats it?" jun asked suddenly, "you tell me you're leaving then you go silent?"

y/n sniffled. she wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say.

jun exhaled, furrowing his eyebrows. "when are you leaving?" he asked, his voice calm, but the tone was still the same.

y/n wiped her tear. "early tomorrow, before noon."

jun pinched the bridge of his nose, and took a long breath. "so," he said, gulping, "this is it, huh?"

y/n felt her heart shatter when he said that. she really wished it wasn't 'it', but she had no other choice.

“im so sorry, jun," she cried, looking up, "i wish it didn't have to be this- jun?"

she paused, for when she looked up, junhui was no where in sight.

he was gone.

she didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

[lady-olive-oil]

Prologue: Me & You

Note: I caved in🤣. Here we goo! let know if ya wanna be tagged in anything.

(inspired by the song Me & You By Cassie)

Word count: 1675 (I got a tad bit carried away)

Warnings: None....for now

Charcters

Prologue: Me & You

Rushing past the sea of multicolored scrubs; balloons & flowers for loved one's and the sound of phones going off from patients or guardians, this has been my life since I graduated. There's never a dull moment in the hospital. Some would say it’s tedious, while others would say it’s stressful. Yet there are those who tell us that their copay is too high.

Today was just like any other day except I had a little kid, no older than 12, going in for cast removal. And boy was she happy to see me.

“Nurse Ronnie!” Her voice chirped as she saw me walk in, with her parents in the room. 

“Sophia. I’m glad I was called in to be here with you today.” I gave her a quick hug after greeting her parents first and foremost. The two were antsy the first time we met because their daughter fell off her skateboard and didn't know what to do. Luckily, they weren’t too panicked as some parents would be.

“I am too. I am getting my cast off, and I wanted you to help Dr. Tyler.” She had a bright grin on her face while telling me the big news.

I smiled back and then got prepared for the event. “Well I’m happy to help in any way I can. Ready?”

Cynthia Tyler was the best doctor when it came to children, and a college roommate of mine at Evergreen Southern. Knowing her skill set and drive made the job easier to come in everyday. Plus she’s engaged to one of my brothers, which is an added bonus. 

Sophia nodded eagerly and took a deep breath like we practiced all those times before. She even enjoyed my singing when I would check her vitals, and called me the singing nurse. The nickname stuck with me, and took off at company gatherings for karaoke. 

As I grabbed the instruments I needed, she asked me, “Can you sing with me as you move the tiny saw?”

“Sure can.” A gentle smile was etched on my face, then I began to sing while moving the saw along her right lw. “Brown skinned, girl. Your skin just like pearls.”

With a toothy grin, she joined. “The most beautiful thing in the world. Never trade you for anybody else. Singin’ brown skin girl, your skin just like pearls.”

Moving further down, I continued with the saw to crack the top half open. “The best thing in the world. I never trade you for anybody else, singin’. She said she really grew up poor like me. Don't believe in nothin' but the Almighty. Just a likkle jeans and a pure white tee, She never did forever be nobody wifey, yeah. So while I may not pretty boy, your heart is amiss.”

“Play it like a villain 'cause she caught in a wave. Tonight I am walkin' away 9 to 5 mind, on the grind, yeah, yeah.” She smiled and giggled gently as she felt the cool air hit her leg for first time in a year.

“Tonight I might fall in love, dependin' on how you hold me. I'm glad that I'm calmin' down, can't let no one come control me. Keep dancin' and call it love, she fightin' but fallin' slowly. If ever you are in doubt, remember what mama told me.”

Then we both joined together as I got to the bottom of the cast. “Brown skin girl, ya skin just like pearls. Your back against the world. I never trade you for anybody else, say. Brown skin girl, ya skin just like pearls, The best thing inna di world. I never trade you for anybody else, say.”

“I can finally see my leg!” Sophia had cheered happily as she looked down at it. “Thank you!” She was happier than a Junebug in the summer.

“You’re very welcome my dear. Just make sure to wear your knee pads next time, like your parents tell you to. Ok?” I nodded towards her parents and her father chimed in.

“You hear that ladybug? Make sure you wear all your gear next time, all the time even. We aren’t saying it for our health and safety but yours.” Her mother nodded in agreement.

“Alright, sounds like an even front for all. I’ll let Dr. Tyler asses everything, get you settled on what you need to do and let you head on home.” Discarding my gloves in the waste bin, I headed out the room to see a few folks standing out in the hallway.

“Who was that singing?” One of the nurses, Ciara, asked me.

“Me and my patient, who I helped get her cast off.” I answered with a smile. “She had always asked me to sing whenever she came in.”

“Well keep up the good work then.” She chuckled and went on about her business.

“Oh I plan to.” Sending a wink in her direction, I headed back to my station to gather my stuff for the day. But I still had the song in my head. So knowing me, I kept singing.

“Pose like a trophy when Naomi's walk in. She need an Oscar for that pretty dark skin. Pretty like Lupita when the cameras close in. Drip broke the levee when my Kellys roll in. I think tonight she might braid her braids, Melanin too dark to throw her shade. She minds her business and wines her waist. Gold like 24k, okay.” Singing gently to myself, feeling the soul within the song just made my day better.

That is until I got an update on a patient that we had gotten a few days ago. “Dupree! I got an update on that one patient, I had you help out a bit ago.” Denise had pulled me to the side and typed away on the keyboard.

The files were flooding the screen, popping up left and right, until she found the right one. “Samaritan Hospital, miles away from us. Luckily the small hospital keeps others informed anyway just in case.” She continued. “Mike Simmons, right?”

“Yeah that’s him, from what you told me.” I racked through the notes myself, looking for answers. “Damn it. He got stabbed in prison; taken to Samaritan and passed there.” 

The nerves I had coursing through me were on edge. It’s a shame what happened to him, given the injustice going on. The more I looked at his picture, the more familiar he seemed.

“And this happened weeks ago?” I deeply sighed as I sat down next to her. “Any family listed on his file? Visitation records.” I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me, where else I had seen his face from. Sometimes relatives do look like, depending on which side they’re on.

Denise went typing away like the detective she is at times. “Just one person.” She stated clearly, and kept typing. Before she could start her sentence, I looked up and saw someone talking to one of the doctors that looked all too familiar. 

“Terrance Richmond.” I stated plainly, with a gentle smile on my face. He turned around and flashed his million dollar smile back at me. 

“Veronica Dupree. Long time no see.” His voice sounded like it was coated in honey, and smooth as whiskey. Something that brought back memories, and haunted my dreams.

Denise was still eying her screen. “Yeah, that’s him. How’d you know that?” I nudged her slightly, she looked up and uttered a gentle “Damn, that man is fine.” Luckily only I heard her. Was she lying though?

“Likewise.” I made my way around the counter and stood by him, gesturing to him to follow me to talk. “We’ll talk later Denise.”

“We better!” She shouted towards me with a chuckle.  

“So what brings you to Evergreen Medical?” Asking an obvious question, towards the gentle giant. His tall 6 '3 frame, made my 5' 9 seem shorter than normal.

“I wanted to thank the person who tried to help my cousin. And when the doctors told me it was you, I was thrilled actually.” We sat in the little outdoor corridor that was open in the hospital. I couldn't tell you the last time I had been entranced by his eyes. They just draw anybody in, without remorse to lose focus.

“Especially since it was someone who knows my family.” He started his sentence with a deep baritone breath, then shifted his gaze to mine. “Who I still care about.” 

And there it was, the same old Terry. Lord this man was something else. “I'm glad I could help. So when is the homegoing, if there is one.” I wanted to keep the topic at hand and not shift towards me and our past. 

“Yea there is. My parents, aunt and uncle are handling it. I also wanted to extend an invite to you and yours.” He passed me the obituary with the date set on it, and I graciously accepted.

“I will make sure that we will be there.” With a gentle smile, I looked into his eyes softly. Abort mission, Dupree! I thought to myself. Don’t you dare get lost in his hazel green eyes.

He checked his watch and sighs awkwardly. “Well uh, I gotta get going. Gotta help out with the service and all.” He got up and held his hand out to help me up. Which I took and felt a surge of electricity race through me.

“You still have my number. It never changed when you left.” A sly smirk painted on my face, as I graciously took my hand back. 

He chucked a little himself. “Fair enough. I just may call you later if you don’t mind talking to an old friend.”

“Not at all. I’m free to talk later.” Confirming the unofficial date, knowing damn well I don’t need it.

“Hope to see you around.” He waved softly and made his way back to the entrance of the hospital.

I waved back and headed back inside.“You just might.” I whispered to myself. “You just might.”