#some of my family also comes from the most incredibly rural isolated town & whenever i talk about them i always feel compelled to be like

[quicktimeeventfull]

a funny thing about being like not american online or not [whatever the dominant culture of the country you’re in irl] is you can just make grand declarations and a solid number of people will believe you. bc why would you distrust someone talking about their own culture. however what people fail to account for is how little most people know about their own countries. usually the lies people spread aren’t even intentional. every so often i meet someone who tells me things they’ve learned from some random canadian and im like ok so you met the weirdest person on earth and their experiences have nothing to do with canada or reality in general. i am so extremely certain i have on occasion been that canadian.

[goose1229]

One day this will all be over...

At the risk of receiving comments and possibly backlash from family and friends on facebook, I have decided to write this here. Where I can speak my truth and not feel judged or on the spot among people I actually know. 

Anyway, in this crazy time when the world is dealing with a pandemic that feels like it’s getting closer and closer to home every day, I am the least depressed I have been since I was a child. Besides a little stress and anxiety with still having to work in this crisis and risk my health and the health of others every day, I am actually in a great place mentally. 

For the first time in several years, I feel that I am in the job I am supposed to be at this time. Even though I am 27 years old and work in a retail job. I am learning my value in society at this time of crisis. I work at PetSmart, which many may not think of as “essential”, but with grocery stores not being able to focus on pet foods, we are still open to help feed people’s furry, feathered and scaly little friends. I am actually very proud to be a part of the team that I am. We are all working so hard to keep each other safe, as well as keeping pets and pet parents safe and happy. It is a treat (pun intended) to still have a full time job and help the world get through a time like this. 

Besides work sometimes getting hectic and stressful, I do not take it home most of the time. My stress stays at work, which is an incredible feeling. Other than work, I am quarantined with my father and brother, which I wouldn’t have any other way. I am so grateful that I still live at home in my late twenties. I appreciate not being stressed about finances at a time like this, which would likely be an issue if I lived on my own. My dad is also so gracious to do most of the grocery shopping and cooking. I am one lucky girl. I wish I showed him more appreciation sometimes. I try my best, but I still feel like I am mooching a bit. 

Anyway, being quarantined to me is a blessing in disguise, except for the fact that I can’t go to the movies and concerts (my favorite things to do). It is a blessing because, to be honest, a lot of my anxiety and depression stems from interactions and obligations to my extended family. (I just realized there is no way I could have posted this for people I know after rereading this.) One side of my family are very dramatic and pick fights with one another constantly, whereas the other is just very judgmental and toxic. The toxic side is especially detrimental to my mental health, especially because they host more family functions on a regular basis. The other side just mostly keeps to themselves except for big events, and despite our issues, I still connect with them. Honestly, I am happy not to be seeing my family for Easter and possibly Memorial Day. I know, that is really sad. But in the last few years, I tend to have panic attacks and severe anxiety whenever I have to see those people. It is nice that the holiday obligations that I would normally have are not able to be held at this time. It’s kind of fucking great. There are a select few people I miss, but I’m trying to connect with them in other ways, and they are the ones that tend to stay away from the functions because they are over the bullshit too.

Speaking of connections, I have finally detached myself emotionally from a guy I was talking to online that stood me up a few times. I have actually deleted my account and the app after a few other guys ghosted me in the last few months. Getting so emotionally caught up on a guy at the end of last year left me pretty depressed in the beginning of this year since I saw so much potential in our impending relationship. It was a huge letdown when he stood me up and never wanted to reschedule a third time and then ignored me after I tried to reach out again. I am 27 as I mentioned before, and I have never had a boyfriend, sex or even a real first kiss (the one I had was a dare and traumatizing, so I don’t count it). Until this quarantine started, I was depressed that I would never meet someone to kiss, date, or fuck lol. 

But now that I have deleted my dating app and profile and have been forced to only go to work and home, I am feeling more content with myself. Although I still want to lose weight at some point, meet someone someday, and not work at PetSmart for the rest of my life, I am grateful for what I do have at this time in my life. I have a steady full time job, to which I got promoted a few months ago with a raise and benefits. I still have the financial luxury of living at home. I am quarantined with my two favorite people on this planet, even if they piss me off sometimes. I am away from all the people that make me anxious and depressed. I am comfortable being by myself and finding things to do with my time alone. I have several pets that I love dearly and still have the means to feed and care for at this time. I get to be my authentic self right now and stay home, listen to my music, play with my pets, watch my shows and movies, and bake my favorite treats.

I have also discovered my new favorite show (thanks to the last guy that ghosted me haha). Although I do not have someone special in my life, I am living vicariously through David Rose and Patrick Brewer on Schitt’s Creek. Their love story is amazing and inspiring, and they make me so happy to watch, over and over again. I also love the show because it is about a rich, then not so, family that is stuck in a small town they own as a joke, only to connect more to one another and the people in the town, that they used to look down upon. It is also a great atmosphere that the show creates. This small town in a rural area is a very accepting and open-minded community to the point that they embrace David and Patrick’s relationship, no questions asked. They even have a black, lesbian woman on their town council. It is such a progressive show when dealing with issues of sexuality, gender identity, race, social status, religion, relationships, and family connection. Despite being stuck up rich people that only cared about their individual selves, the Roses have all grown to know and love each other and their neighbors more deeply. It is such a great show that is unfortunately coming to an end in three days, but I am grateful to have been introduced to it just in time to watch the finale special and at a time when I can dedicate as much time to it as I want. 

Speaking of how my time is being spent in this quarantine, I am also grateful to have dropped out of graduate school after last semester and not be trying to figure myself out right now. Again, I am grateful to have a full time job that came at the perfect time. I am happy with myself and my place in the world right now. I may not be in love or be as thin as I would like, but I am pretty good with my current situation. I am content. I don’t think I have felt this content in my entire life. Even when I was a child because I was bratty kid, then my parents had a messy divorce, then my stepdad was a dick, then my mom had a drug problem, then I was isolated in high school, then I fell in love with a friend and had my heart broken in college, and finally I have felt lost in my adult life post-college. But now I am found. I know who I am, what I like, who loves me, what I need, and what I want. I am happy. 

Another reason I wanted to put this here and not on facebook was because this blog is meant to be inspiring. I wanted to celebrate my happiness and not rub it in the faces of those that are struggling through this time right now. I know that many people who are stuck at home with anxiety and depression, family and homeschooling responsibilities, sickness, and financial burdens are really hurting right now. I am one of the lucky people not in the medical field that gets to still go to work and to be living most of my normal life and be lucky enough to basically still be taken care of by my father. I feel for everyone struggling right now and have been doing my part to donate scrubs and money to relief funds. I really hope this all ends very soon and that as many people as possible are safe and healthy and make it through these trying times alright. I just wanted to celebrate the fact that I am thriving in the coronapocalypse a little bit.

P.S. I am also grateful to have a boss that is so awesome to the point that he sends me gifs haha.