#some more ocverse random backstory drop

[lizardperson]

how to live your life without breathing

[on ao3]

fandom: original work rating: g cw: anxiety, so much anxiety wc: 736 prompts: #fff260 fear is a sickness for @flashfictionfridayofficial

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July had always been scared, wrapped up in fear all her life. The horrible knot in her chest, expanding, suffocating her. Strangling her, harder on some days, lighter on others - but never gone. Like a tumor, growing and multiplying, like nothing could ever stop it. Making it impossible to breathe. July as a small child, hiding behind her mother, afraid of people, and animals, and loud noises, and the monsters in the dark, and most of all afraid of being alone. July at school, scared of the other children, and the teachers, and being a failure. Scared of not being good enough, so she works harder - and then realizing that being too good is just as bad. People noticing you, praising you, for being such a smart child. It's terrifying. Suffocating. She's not afraid of the monsters in the dark anymore, or of being alone. The dark is comforting now, wrapping her up like a blanket. The monsters don't hurt her. When they scare her, all she has to do is press the pause button, she's in control. She wishes life had a pause button, a remote control, to catch her breath. July as a teenager, scared of being seen, trying so hard to be invisible. Blending into the background, concealing every ounce of herself, so afraid of attracting attention in any form. Trying so hard to keep it together every day, trying not to break down, everything is just so much. The world is too much. All she wants is to hide. The monsters are her friends. She collects them, hoards them and their stories, watching over them, watching every horror movie she can get her hands on. The world outside is so much scarier than those movies could ever be. July being accepted into film school, going to college, leaving home, against her parents' wishes, all alone. The first night in her dorm room, she thinks she is dying, being so utterly terrified, and she has no idea how she will ever breathe again. Somehow, she is still alive the next morning. Somehow, she makes it through the day. Somehow, she makes it through the year, holding her breath. July in college, working so hard, trying to push through the fear. She wants to make movies, movies like the ones that saved her life so many times, but she is so scared. She drops out after three semesters, crying for days, cursing the fear that is strangling her. So tired of that suffocating fear. July living her life, working a dead-end job she hates, but it's not all bad. She likes her apartment, she has her movies, and over the years she even stops caring so much about being seen. She starts dressing more colorful, chats with her coworkers sometimes, even goes on a few dates. Life is still terrifying, but maybe she's just used to the fear by now. Maybe she knows how to live without breathing by now. And then Daria moves into the apartment next to hers, and they become friends, and there are times when July is not scared. When she's happy, and relaxed, and she can be herself without the constant need to hide. Daria is safe, her home, part of her comfort zone. Life is actually starting to be cozy in her comfort zone. Here, she can breathe freely. And then Mika comes into her life, and suddenly July is scared again - but it's okay. It's like back when she was a child, and watched all those movies, and when the monsters got too scary she could just press pause. She's still in control, somewhat. Mika drags her out of her comfort zone, introduces her to new things, all those experiences she always wanted but never dared to seek out. And it is fun and it is exhausting and it is terrifying and it is amazing and it is so much. July is so grateful to have her as a friend. "Ready?!" Mika grinned, holding out her hand. July hesitated, suddenly not so sure about the whole thing anymore. "I'm going to be so terrible at this," she objected weakly, feeling the familiar knot in her chest expanding again. "So what! Come on, nobody's gonna hear, let's just have some fun!" Fuck it. July grabbed Mika's hand, mostly for moral support, and faced the screen of the karaoke machine. She took a deep breath. Enough with being scared.