#some great hypocracy but we will see whether this is where they are going with the double standard

[ctl-yuejie]

currently updating myself on the noona romance/ nee-san romance parts of entertainment and I think it is hilarious that a common complaint the male lead has about women his own age is that they are undecisive, especially when it comes to chosing food they want to eat, stores they want to go etc.

and while it is valif that the age gap appeal stems from older women not giving that much of a fuck anymore/ having more security

it always tickles me that it is decisiveness in re: to small things that suddenly turn this 20-sth guy onto older women

[pickingstars-blog1]

This isn't me trying to defend Ten from his actions, but Ten's treatment of Jackie (which, yes, was gross, as was his treatment of Mickey and Martha) can be compared to Twelve's awful treatment of Clara in series eight. He verbally brutalized Clara for a long stretch of episodes (and Danny, for that matter). Basically, the Doctor can be a huge dick in every incarnation. Nine and Eleven also had their gross moments. Hoping Thirteen moves away from the fold in that regard!

I absolutely agree RE Twelve in Series Eight. He was horrible to Clara. Horrible. However, I’d defend his attitude in this instance, because it does serve a narrative purpose, and Twelve is promptly called out by Clara, and the narrative, for his behaviour, and the development of their relationship throughot Eight and Nine is one of the most complicated, wonderfully written, wonderfully consistent, and wonderfully compelling dynamics in the show’s history. Twelve’s initial coldness is a vital component to this so yeah!

With Ten though, I never feel like his attitude problems are ever narrative deliberacy, instead they come across as writing idiosyncracy. The Jackie stuff in particular is indicative of a further issue with Classism in the show. I love Russell T Davies to bits, but he seemed to have a real real problem with this throughout his era of DW. (I mean Mickey’s name was originally meant to be Muggsy for goodness sake. Muggsy.) Poor Jackie starts her run on the show as a living, breathing, walking, talking working-class single-mum stereotype. One of her very first scenes literally shows her trying, to the audience’s amusement/second-hand embarassment, to seduce The Doctor. Because of course, all working-class middle-aged single mums are MAN-HUNGRY ammirite? Though she has some wonderful moments of character development, (”Is my daughter safe/10 seconds” in World War Three, practically all of Love and Monsters) she never quite breaks free of being the butt of the joke. Of being the man-hungry, money-hungry, desperate, middle-aged, working-class single mum. And doesn’t The Doctor love to make fun of her for that! Incidentally, Russell’s other mums, Francine Jones and Sylvia Noble, don’t fare much better, either being written as horrible people, or like Jackie, the butt of the joke. sometimes they are even both…

(Something I want to add is that despite this, RTD’s done a lot of good with Class issues, too. I think the Tyler family are groundbreaking conceptually. Where else do we have a working class family living in a flats in a London Councul Estate as lead protagonists in a mainstream sci-fi juggernaut?! Rose is a pivotal and revolutionary character in the history of sci-fi, whether people enjoy her character or not - I personally adore her, Series 4 notwithstanding!).

Thing is, I’m never quite clear what the Tenth Doctor’s character arc is trying to be. I haven’t watched his era from beginning to end in a few years so forgive me if the following is off the mark, but from what I remember, there’s some deconstruction about the deification of The Doctor which is nice, but not very consistent, and outside of that?? There’s…not very much at all, beyond “woe is me I’m so alone and my heart is broken”. His first episode sets him out as being a man of ruthlessness, a “no second chances”, bringing-down-the-government kind of a man. It is on him that The Master was able to run for election and win in Series Three. Ten, by proxy, causes the mass-suffering of the entire human race, all in his first episode. The problem? This is never, ever, addressed narratively. In The Last of the Time Lords, he is presented as our saviour. As our literal Jesus figure (don’t think those Lazarus symbolisms aren’t deliberate) he is reincarnated through the power of prayer. “He has saved your lives so many times” Martha tells us, but what about the times he’s destroyed them? What about that?!

There’s a story here about the Tenth Doctor’s arrogance that could have been an incredible character arc. For a moment in The Waters of Mars it looked like this might have come to fruitition. All those idiosyncracies, all those hypocracies, (”I Never Would!!!” The Doctor seethes, having just last episode attempted to massacre an entire spaceship full of Sontarans), all the horrible ways he’s treated Jackie, and Martha, and even Harriet Jones, would, as with the Twelfth Doctor, mean something. A tale of Hamartia, of Hubris. But suddenly we’re swept right back into a drowning in self-pity ‘look how great I am’ Tenth Doctor, in a ‘look how great he is’ two-part regeneration story that double-back flips at least fifty metres away from his character progression in the very last story:

The End of Time gives us Ten at his most arrogant, at his most haughty, but unlike in The Waters of Mars, we are asked to celebrate him this time. For??? Reasons….I guess…because damn it he could do so much more, right!!? So much more!! There are fleeting moments, Wilf’s “Don’t you dare put him before them” speech for example, in which we can see a more morally complex story shine through, but by the episode’s end, those moments are left clouded by “I don’t want to go” wasn’t-ten-so-selfless-and-amazing-please-stay-fuck-Matt-Smith hysteria. 

Sorry this went off topic a tad….for the record, I agree about Thirteen. I think Chibs will be working very hard to make her a super popular, super likeable, super charming Doctor. Particularly because, as our first female Doctor, she’ll be held up to scrutiny, I think that’ll be one of the biggest priorities next series. (Also each Doctor is ultimately a creation and reflection of the actor portrayng them. Jodie is self-proclaimed feminist from Yorkshire so I’m pretty sure Thirteen will be utterly amazing purely on the basis of that!)

Thanks for your ask!

x

[redlemonz]

Day #15

On the road up North for work, way too early at 6am. Luckily I’m in the passenger seat, though I’d much rather be driving now instead of swapping over on the way back after a long day. Smart on her part to be honest, though I’m the more inexperienced one at this role anyway so she does get the final say. I gotta say though, that it feels pretty damn weird driving up this far for work, simply for the day - seems as though we’re going on vacation if anything. The calm before the storm I suppose. Jacked up on coffee and an overpriced ham and cheese toastie for which I only just find out from my team mate that I’ll be able to claim expenses for, in addition to the rest of my day’s meals? I’m loving this new job already. What I’m not loving is more hurtful reminders that I’ve lost her. The last time I drove up this way was a couple months ago, when I took another sick-day (yes it’s fun to constantly take these to spend exciting times with her) & rejected some Saturday morning overtime (thank goodness), to go up North for a camping trip in some grounds, next to one of her many homes that is the beach. Another simplified reminder of the amount of effort she actually put in that didn’t go unnoticed by me, but was taken for granted - she would provide all the required gear including the tent, mattress, blankets and so on, and furthermore set it all up mostly on her own because I’m a useless moron who can’t be trusted with basic equipment and will destroy the zips on the tent instead. I’m sorry yet again, cutie. Broken zips and hearts aside, it was a wonderful evening in which we were granted by nature what felt like an ultra rare and supernatural occurrence - a rainbow in the night sky. Dead in the middle between us, as we looked up into the night sky, from the sands of the beach upon which we stood. Not I’m not one for signs from the universe, fate, or just a naturally romantic incurring event, but.. okay never mind I am. The point remains that it was indeed one of the most beautiful elements of nature I had ever seen, which made it all the more amazing as I stood next to the most beautiful one. We held each other in that moment, and even slow danced a little bit together, under our very own special moonbow.

Day 15 - another nice memory turned ugly by myself

As I reminisce about that camping trip, and the caving exploration she took me on the next morning and the mini hike to a summit filled with cows, I can’t help think about the night that followed. It’s time to give you a brief yan to the yin, which is a summary of my ugly insecurity yet again, that led to our end. It was the evening in which her leaving party was being celebrated. I had grocery duty whilst she cleaned up, and so the night flowed with her friends and a few of mine. Once again I’ve forced anxiety upon myself now through my own insecure thoughts from that night. It was a nice time overall, especially for her (or so I hope at the very least), and I tried my best to look past, and ignore my head at the time - but I can’t help feel like the loser and hidden failure of a person yet again. Being asked by multiple friends of hers how I knew her was just unfortunately a stab in the gut. I mean I’ve already attempted to adjust to the fact that she would never introduce me as more than my name to her friends, which left things ambiguous (and rather awkward for me, doubting my place) who one by one, on separate occasions, had to confirm with me and convey with each other what me and her’s relationship status was. Don’t get me wrong again - this was just her style, as she didn’t see reason to introduce me in that manner, and because it wasn’t a big deal to her. It’s just who she is, as she’s quite a private person - and there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever - I was just failing to listen and understand as an idiot would. Though I don’t think you can fully blame me for feeling a bit unsettled in that regard either - because as stated, I didn’t know my place with her when it came to publicity. I would question myself whether I was even allowed to hold her hand, surprise her with a hug and kiss on the cheek from behind, or just generally do anything remotely and mildly that could be interpreted as being anything more than friends, for which I’d have no problems with privately. It’s not a case of PDA at all being a blaming mechanism, considering I had already adjusted to those norms and barriers for her a while ago. My efforts were mostly thwarted away or unrecognised in this regard, and obviously I’d be feeling like shit as a result - thinking that she’s yet again embarrassed or ashamed of me. This carried on further into the night as one of her dear close friends made a speech about her, which was great, and that she enjoyed, but I knew that as soon as I was called upon to do the same (as a result of crowd pressure), that I’d have to choose my words carefully - because I could tell that she didn’t even want me to say anything to begin with. So it was crappy and certainly inferior to her friend’s as a result, because I felt constrained within my public boundaries of only-friendship with her. Because doing / acting more than that would piss her off. It’s just always been so tough and heartbreaking feeling like a whole different person to her when there are others around. I mean it sucked pretty badly to feel as though she couldn’t even invite me over at all if any of her family were home, because that was supposedly a problem (I had many occasions where I couldn’t even grasp the nerve to ask to use the bathroom when picking her up due to this), yet I had basically lived there when they weren’t. This theme continued as it similarly incurred on her birthday this year, the day after I celebrated a private day of surprises with her - when we went out to celebrate at a bar. I avoided drinking in an attempt to ensure she had a great night for the sake of her birthday, and that I didn’t find any shitty reasons to ruin it through starting another unnecessary fight which would have resulted from insecurities. So I bared with the pain of being a stranger in front of her brother, cousin and couple friends yet again. It stings pretty hard to not even be able to have a proper dance, let alone give her a kiss on the dance floor on her freaking birthday after everything.. a hundred times more so when it’s absolutely no problem that her brother is busy and non-discretely making out with, and later going off to fuck one of our friends. But I’m still there, being publicly friend zoned for the most part on the night. What hurts is remembering and comparing it to the fact that she has had public displays of more-than-friends, even if it ultimately meaning nothing at all, with a couple of my friends. It was prior to us beginning, which I understand - but can someone else please see from my perspective how it was still a valid factor underlying my insecurity that she can’t do that publicly with her boyfriend whom she supposedly loves? Of course it makes me feel even more insecure than I already am, and links in with the fact that I was just this hidden bystander of a boyfriend who was easily disposable, when the time was right. And finally - the time was right. I pushed and I pushed upon this insecurity to no avail, and forced her to the point of no return. It took a while, but my self-doubts had finally been confirmed. I wasn’t worth it after all. It was too much effort. She didn’t see a future with me. But nevertheless, regardless of how I felt at the time - the significant thing to remember about these insecurities, is that they’re mine. I’ve made them up in my head and multiplied them into something so much bigger - along with assumptions and overthinking and well, over-feeling. Being an overly sensitive and emotional prick with a history of depression is just asking for this to fail, especially if you can’t overcome this for her. And I couldn’t do it, sadly. I needed to be able to just ignore all those negativities my head had created, and focus upon the special beauty I had in front of me and cherish her in any way that I could. I love her, and yet I couldn’t accept her for who she was, and be patient for her to open up in her own time. I forced her into my depressive state instead, and tried to mould her into what my selfishness wanted and thought could cure my insecurities. In other words, I realise now that I was essentially attempting to rely on her to solve my problems - ones that I created for myself, through the absolutely hideous and despised method of emotional manipulation. Shoving my insecurities onto her, along with the blame. What an absolutely twisted and fucked up thing to do to someone you love and care about. And I call it unconditional love? - that’s the worst fucking hypocracy being displayed by me, first hand. What a shit thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you love with all your heart - it was never her fault at all. She was always simply herself, which is what I loved. What the fuck was I trying to do? Was I, in my sick mannerism, attempting to locate some issues with her, or even worse - create something wrong with her that never even existed? Bloody, fucking hell. Those insecurities were my own sole battles to fight, and I was nothing but a coward who couldn’t accept his responsibilities, and as a result of his failure to do so, poisoned her with his toxic behaviour. She didn’t do anything to warrant or deserve any of it, and there was never anything at all even wrong with her - until I strolled into her life, that is. It could even be portrayed that my behaviour was another form of abuse, regardless of my lack of intention. Because that doesn’t matter - otherwise it’s just another excuse to yet again evade responsibility for being a messed up, demented, and overall bad person. Which you are. God I want to take it all back and start anew, why did I have to go and fuck it all up. A million sorry’s can’t fix the damage and hurt I’ve caused - for which none should ever have existed. Plus what do my promises even mean anymore, right? The only thing that’s right was her - I’m not worth it. It’s really not a shocking revelation when you think about it - the fact that she was never sure of me, and that she never felt comfortable enough in the end to let me into that private part of her life. All I’ve constantly done over the course of time is fill her with ongoing guilt, agony, and reminders that she’s not putting in enough effort. Though she always was, and I was the one who chose to be picky in when to see it. What a fucking tool of an ugly personality I have, on top of the visible aspects. She even tried to constantly reach out and explain this to me, but I was too caught up in myself and I didn’t even bother listening and understanding, even though she gave me chance after chance - until she could finally take no more. All these light bulbs activate in my brain after they aren’t required anymore, as it’s far too late now, and so my self hatred and regret is off the charts as a result. I deserve to feel this way, and much worse. I don’t deserve her forgiveness for all the sins I’ve committed against her.. yet she is still providing her gracefulness to me, after all my evil acts and offences against her, by keeping me around in her life. My guardian angel - I love you, and I’m sorry (for a million and one times). I’ve learned a lot since our end - within this short period that feels like eternity, and though it’s too late for us, I’ll spend the rest of my life continuing to learn, and trying, and aspiring to be the better person I know I can be - and as you’ve always inspired me to be. Though I know I have a long journey ahead.