#soliderity gaming

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The hardest part of this is leaving you

Hey so i don't know if y'all remember this fic bc i sure do and i wanted to magnify one part of that which was Scott's bit. It's flower husbands angst. And it emotionally scared me to write this. also yea that's a my chem lyric as the title once a killjoy always a killjoy sue me.

TW- MCD (major character death), sacrifice, Gore, (blood/bleeding out), Angst, 3rd life mentioned. WC: 1288 words Ao3: p a i n

The first rule of battle, at least as Jimmy was taught, was to never be caught off guard. But he thinks he can get away with it just this once. Cradling Joel's heavy head in one hand, holding tight into Lizzie's cold arm with his other, he grieves. His grief overrides his guard. He's even got the cod head off. He can't get more vulnerable than this. He's alone, without allies. Katherine was nowhere to be seen, Gem was on the other side, Scott- Scott was Scott. He wasn't on Jimmy's side, he was against Sausage.

That was different.

Jimmy couldn't trust Scott as an ally, only as an enemy to his enemy.

He couldn't put trust in him.

Everyone he put trust in is dead.

He doesn't even trust himself.

He's surrounded, body and soul, by people who could easily kill him. Those who wouldn't-

The whistle of an arrow cuts his mind's voice in two.

Jimmy turns away from the noise, looking down at Joel's face.

He smiles.

The arrow finds its target with that familiar, sickening crunch.

He knows the piercing sting of an arrow, enchanted, imbued, or not.

He knows the pain that accompanies the sound.

Why, then, did Jimmy not feel it?

He looks up, eyes catching on the arrow before the face of his savior. The arrow is lodged in the side of their neck, in the break of their armour. The white and gold collar peeking up is already stained with red, turning the fabric into a bright crimson.

There's the sound of a sword thumping against dirt and rock. Of armour clinking against itself. The Codfather is hyper aware of the wind, how it sounds, the smell it carries. The smell of blood. Jimmy stands up, much too quickly, his vision blurring, but he races forward anyways to catch the man that saved his life.

In his arms, he holds Scott.

Scott's breathing is rapid and irregular, Jimmy desperately looks on himself and on Scott for any potions that might help, but he freezes when he feels Jimmy's hand cover his own.

"Sc- Scott?" Jimmy whispers. There's no need, there's no one around them- alive to hear it, at least.

"D- don't-'' Scott murmurs out, taking in a deep breath that makes his face contort with pain.

"What- Scott- Why? You took that arrow for me- why?" Jimmy asks.

"You really don't remember then-" Scott says, voice fizzling out onto coughing. Jimmy shifts to help him become more comfortable. If Scott had nothing to help, or didn't want to be helped, then Jimmy wouldn't take anything away from him.

"Remember- I don't really- I thought you hated me-" Jimmy can't remember anything from before… this, waking up in the jungle, sore from sitting on the cobble throne, alone. Once he got set up, he felt a strong pull to Joel, who turned out to be one of his closest allies, but to Scott as well, but when Scott never showed that they were close friends, Jimmy just… let it go. Until now at least. Scott, hand shaking, reaches up to cup Jimmy's face. Jimmy helps him, pressing his face into Scott's palm- cold. His hand is so cold.

"You were my voice. It's funny, I- I got shot in the neck- you got shot in the head. I was your mind," Jimmy laughs lightly, sounds like him alright, "and you were my voice." Scott sounds so quiet, and far away, like it's taking any strength he has left to tell him this.

"I- wh- whatever happened, Scott, I'm so sorry I let you down now. You deserved so much better than what I could've given you and I'm so sorry- please- let me- there has to-" Jimmy says, gripping Scott's hand tighter. Jimmy doesn't remember what Scott's talking about, but he remembers feeling something. Almost as if this was a repeat of Scott's memories, but the roles being reversed. Jimmy wonders if he died in Scott's arms. That's what he asks. Scott can't help but smile.

"No, I couldn't get to you in time. But you looked so beautiful that day, and even still when I went back for you." Scott runs a weak thumb across Jimmy's cheek, bringing his attention to tears that had formed. "Don't cry, morning glory, I couldn't bear to see you die again."

"Again- Scott- I-" Jimmy parrots, before Scott cuts him off, Jimmy immediately lets him speak.

"You have nothing to be sorry-" Scott coughs again, blood staining his lips, Jimmy's eyes stinging. "-about. I thought if I avoided you, you'd be safe, but- I can't live without you, Jimmy. You still mean everything to me, hyacinth, and I- ugh-" Scott stops and huffs, Jimmy can tell he's still him. Under the shaky breaths, and the red, white and gold- he can see that it's still the snarky, sarcastic Scott he'd spent another life with. "It's cold. I don't remember it being this cold-" Jimmy immediately curls around Scott, trying to warm him up- keep his blood going, good god, trying to keep his blood going.

"Why did you do this? Why?" Jimmy whispers hoarsely.

"Because I loved you. I still do, Jimmy, My rose, I still- do…" 'Scott murmurs, voice fading out- no, no- Jimmy just- Scott's just told him this and he knows Scott is telling the truth- he knows- he also thinks some part of him… still-

"You loved me?" Jimmy says, kissing the inside of Scott's palm, a part of him still loves Scott, too.

"Jimmy? Jimmy, are you there? Are you- I- I can't-" Scott says, voice fragile, panicking.

"Scott, Scott, I'm here, Scott- Scott- I'm here, Scott please-" Jimmy says, cupping Scott's face with one hand, and holding Scott's to his with his other hand. He can feel his pulse under his fingertips, its beating, but getting weaker, he can't- Jimmy can't lose him- not after he just got him back- he can see flashes, flower forests, cows, starlit skies- nights awake, much longer than they should be, talking, and laughing. He can see a ring in his hands, Scott's surprised, but overjoyed face- and he remembers the way he felt when Scott said yes. He feels the warm ghost of a hand on his shoulder. He can't- Jimmy just got him back- "Scott- please? I remember now- I do- Scott, poppy, please- I- I remember- no- no, no, no- Scott don't- don't you dare- don't you dare- Scott please-" Jimmy can't feel Scott's pulse anymore. He lets Scott's hand slide from his to cradle both sides of Scott's face. He wipes the blood away from around the side of his mouth. Tears stinging his eyes again, his chest and throat growing tight- why, why did Scott do that? "You- why- why, why, why, why, why? Scott," Jimmy chokes back a sob, and lets his head hang, "I was supposed to be the one to die for you, not the other way around- why, stupid, beautiful, selfless, why? Daffodil, sunflower, starshine, why- I just got you back- please- it's it's not- i- it's not fair-" he sobs again, ugly and brutal, nothing like Scott, nothing like Scott, "I just- how- why are you being ripped away from me again- you- i- we- we could've left, we could've- you and me- we could've left and made something because we were alive again- I don't- I can't- Scott- I'm so sorry-" his body shakes, he can't take it- knowing their past together, and now have to face his future without him- it was-

Maybe he wouldn't have to live without him much longer.

There's a sword tip pointed at the back of his head.

And just inside his vision-

Gem.

[outside-seoul]

Game of Thrones, 8.4

In case you had any doubts, I am incapable of shutting up about Jaime and Brienne.

Their pairing is as epic and elemental as storytelling has to offer. They were inevitable--the handsome rich boy met his match in the strong, hardworking girl, and sparks flew. It’s a tale as old as time. But the chemistry between Jaime and Brienne isn’t only visible to consumers of narrative like us. People in the story can’t miss it, either. Cersei, Vonn, and (tragically) Tormund all saw it without being told.

At this point in the show, Jaime and Brienne have been through a lot together. They’ve been enemies and allies, criticizers and conspirators. But it’s not until the celebration of the Battle of Winterfell that we really see them as friends just being together. 

Usually you have to be watching a Korean drama to see a hand touch as significant as the one that happens in this episode. Brienne puts a hand over her cup as Jaime tries to pour her wine, but he won’t have it. He reaches out and covers her hand with his own for a long moment--there’s no shyness or uncertainty here, just tenderness. It’s a simple physical touch that means something to both characters in a way Western entertainment rarely seems to imagine.

Finally, Jaime pulls Brienne’s hand away from her cup and says, “If this isn’t the time to drink, when is?” She smiles in response, an unguarded expression that doesn’t seem quite at home on her face. For possibly the first time ever, Jaime and Brienne make real, true eye contact as they sit across the table at the feast. Neither of them can quite manage to look away, even as they toast and drink.

Brienne’s face is colorful with bruises in this scene, which reminds me of a riddle I once heard. You arrive in a town with two barbers--one who’s sloppy with a terrible haircut, and one who’s impeccably groomed with an amazing haircut. If you yourself want to look good, you’re supposed to go to the sloppy barber--he’s the one who cut the other guy’s hair. In this scenario, Brienne is the sloppy barber. She’s a skilled swordswoman who took up the slack to protect her one-handed boyfriend in a fight, and her face shows how hard that was.

In the festivities that follow, Jaime and Brienne are finally relaxed and safe, and it’s increasingly obvious that they’re becoming a couple right before our eyes. “You have danced with Renley Baratheon,” Jamie says, and there’s betrayal in Brienne’s eyes when she looks at Pod. We know that she told Pod that story once, and now we know that Pod and Jaime talked about Brienne when she wasn’t around.

Tyrion, the only person who might ship Brienne and Jaime more than I do, decides to move the evolution of their relationship along. He quirks an eyebrow at Brienne as he takes a drink, then starts talking about the status of her virginity. (Which is, admittedly, a major dick move.)

I’ve read that some people don’t like what happens next, but I think it’s perfect. Brienne stands up and announces in a loud voice, “I have to piss.” This works for me both because that’s what drinking does to you, and also because it’s just the sort of thing a woman would say when she’s going out of her way not to be seen as a woman.

Unlike lone-wolf Arya, Brienne is a team player. She’s spent her adult life surrounded by soldiers, rough men who measure their worth in blood. To blend in with that crowd, she’s learned to minimize her femininity, behaving like one of the guys. So when she’s confronted with this somewhat embarrassing fact about herself as a sexual being, as a woman, she makes it clear to everyone around her that she’s not some swooning lady. She’s a rude, crude, dangerous solider. (Who was until just recently making heart eyes at her dream man.)

All this lasts until potty-mouthed Tormund shows up, at which point Brienne turns back into her chilly, aloof self. Brienne wants to keep Tormund at a distance--she’s not interested in being accessible to him. So instead of earthy soliderisms, her response is queen’s English. “Please pardon me for a moment,” she says, stepping around him. 

Tormund starts to follow her, but Jaime stands in his way. The rueful look Jaime gives him is worth about a million words: She’s mine, it says. You never even had a chance. As Brienne leaves the room, she looks back to see that Jaime is following her. She quickens her pace; he does, too.

In Brienne’s room, we see some of old Jaime. He’s disdainful of the north and almost looking for a fight with Brienne--"How about Tormund Giantsbane? Has he grown on you?” Jaime asks, his tone suggestive, his posture aggressive. 

Brienne has been drinking all night, but I think it’s Jaime who’s really drunk in this scene. Knowing what I know now, it seems like there are two things at play here. First of all, Jaime is afraid and uncertain about what it means to love Brienne. The buzz gives him the bravery he needs to move toward her. But deeper than that, his association with her has made Jaime see himself as he really is--as a flawed man who’s done terrible things, a man who probably isn’t worthy of her love. As he drinks, he forgets that being with him will sully her.

The eye contact in this scene is the most sexually explicit thing that’s ever been on my television set. It’s a miracle that the entire planet didn’t spontaneously combust when it was being filmed--Jaime looks at Brienne like a starving man would look at a thousand banquets.

When Jaime struggles to open his shirt, Brienne’s caregiving instincts kick in. She does it for him, and when she finally pulls his shirt off altogether, the scene looks like something that might happen between a mother and a child. Jaime raises his arms straight above his head, and she patiently tugs his shirt over his head. Even beyond desire, there’s trust in that moment.

And it’s a good thing the production crew threw us this bone, because from the kiss on, the relationship between Jaime and Brienne has changed, and not for the better. Afterwards, they settle into a domestic routine that involves sharing one bed. But while Brienne sleeps, Jaime watches her from the other side of that bed and broods. Is it because making love to her was a failed attempt to banish his demons? Is it because he loves Brienne and fears for her future in a world that’s so violent and awful? Is it because he wants to go home to his sister/wife?

Alas, by the end of this episode, we still don’t know what’s going on with Jaime. All we know is that in the middle of the night, he saddles up his horse, and prepares to leave Winterfell without even saying goodbye to Brienne. No matter what has happened to Brienne up to this point, she’s remained in control. If this show actually were the romance novel I wish it was, she would definitely be described as “haughty,” that most obnoxious of adjectives. But when she realizes Jaime will really leave her, Brienne falls apart. “You’re not like you’re sister. You’re not,” she says. “You’re better than she is. You’re a good man and you can’t save her.”

Cersei is what caused Jaime to leave Brienne. But I don’t think it’s because he wants to return to her as a lover--it’s because he feels obligated to save her or at least die with her, as Brienne acknowledges during their confrontation. “She’s hateful,” says a broken Jaime. “And so am I.”

Jaime has failed Cersei before. She suffered in prison and was humiliated by the high sparrow, all when he was powerless to help her. That hurt him, and it’s probably part of the reason he wants to leave. But could he be going to King’s Landing to offer Cesei another way out--to pour her a glass of poison, the same way he did Lady Olena? A painless death with dignity could be his final gift to Cersei.

For Brienne, this moment is excruciating. She fostered Jaime through so much, and she hoped they had finally arrived at a place where he was free to love her. But all her work building him into a better man seems at this moment to be for nothing--Jaime hates himself for what he’s done wrong, and he can’t allow himself to be happy. So off he rides into the dark night, leaving Brienne sobbing.

 Other thoughts

*One podcast I listened to correctly pointed out that it’s unfortunate that Sansa seems to consider repeated rape and physical and emotional abuse a valuable character-building experience. But that same attitude comes up again and again in this show, especially when Bran is involved. With both Theon and Jaime, Bran makes it clear that his horrible past was simply a way to his meaningful present--not something to be regretted or apologized for.

* In spite of Pod supposedly wowing some sex workers with his magic cock, he clearly drinks when Tyrion says “You’re a virgin” during their drinking game.