#social interactions w irl ppl makes me so anxious

[bunnihearted]

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[astrxealis]

i want to dm people more in general but i suck at that for various reasons but maybe what if i manifested my childhood extrovertedness once more somehow... idk

[thepsychicclam]

The worst part of social anxiety is not knowing if ppl’s reactions are reality or just in your head.

I have been battling with my head for weeks abt whether or not ppl are being cool or not with me. It’s easy to say “it’s all in your head!!!” But I’m terrified I said something to upset ppl or am just overall generally annoying to ppl.

i think the problem is that i went a few yrs with very few IRL friends. i had my sister and my bff, but other than coworkers and students, i didn’t have friends or ppl i went out with. when i moved to boston, it was literally my sister. and now, i’m making some friends. i’ve gone to dinner, to their houses, you know - having friends like a normal person. 

it’s hard. that sounds so STUPID. it’s not like we’re super close or anything. it’s very casual friends. but god, it triggers my social anxiety EVERY TIME WE’RE TOGETHER. my brain just whirls and overanalyzes and is paranoid and - it sucks. i hate spending every evening after interacting dissecting what i said and thinking i’m an idiot or said something wrong. i hate being around them and not knowing WHAT to say and being awkward and not understanding how to easily join a conversation and then trying and accidentally interrupting or speaking over someone. 

like i went to one of their houses friday night, and i was so anxious i was sweating through my clothes. and i swear, my life is like bridget jones bc that is me in any social situation. and there was a semi-cute single guy there that was nice and i tried talking to him, but i became monosyllabic and stumbled over my words and my brain froze and when he looked at me and smiled, i just kinda maybe smiled and turned my eyes to the floor bc i can’t look at a cute dude and smile wtf?????

like, i used to be able to socialize with ppl. wtf happened to me??? it’s like the last decade i have been in this whole with like 2 friends and my parents and very few other “friends”. talking to coworkers and students is easy. it’s short, small talk. and you can just not say anything and no one cares. but trying to talk to friends is so difficult. 

it doesn’t help that we’re VERY different. they’re very small town southern, not into geeky things. they don’t watch the same television shows and movies i do and don’t really read books. their jobs are very different. i like them - don’t get me wrong. but fundamentally, i feel so different. and sometimes i feel like THAT person bc they have barely left their tiny town in south carolina to do anything, and i’ve traveled all over the US and europe and lived in three different states and had like a zillion jobs and have all these interests and i just have stopped saying things bc i feel like THAT guy when i don’t mean to be THAT guy. i’ve just done a lot. it’s like the one thing i have going in my life. i have no friends, no boyfriend, no kids, but i’ve lived and traveled a lot of places and done a lot. 

idk. my depression is popping up. the semester is over, so it’s summer break. it’s a weird transition time. plus, i’m working from home so i’m just going to crossfit and that’s it. i’m not getting dressed in nice clothes or fixing my hair or putting on makeup. so i hate looking in the mirror right now. yes, i know i can do those things to make myself feel pretty even though i’m just sitting on the couch, but i’m just busy and don’t want to spend an horu of my day curling my hair when i could be, idk, reading or writing or watching a movie.

and i’m behind on my dissertation again. if you’ve been following me for awhile, you know i’ve talked about the dickbag dissertation director i have. which reacts very negatively with my anxiety and depression. i’ve got 4.5/5 chapters 1st drafts written. i have comments to revise on them. i want to revise, but i just have to START. but i’ve convinced myself (with zero support from the dissertation direct) that i suck and shouldn’t even be getting this fuckign phd. i know he doesn’t think i’ll finish bc of my life and mental problems, and i KNOW i can finish and prove that asshole wrong. it’s just...probably the hardest thing i’ve ever done. if i would have known it would have been like this, i either wouldn’t have gotten one or chosen a speciality i liked less just to work with someone who believed in me.

and i have the worst case of writer’s block i’ve had in ages. like i just stare at word. it’s been like that since like january. i just want to WRITE. i have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and i’m getting depressed bc i CAN’T write like i’ve broken something inside me.

this is all so stupid. it’s just a bad bad night. i’ve been having mild anxiety attacks for like 3-4 weeks, like low level anxiety and trouble breathing like there’s a band around my waist making it hard to get in oxygen. and tonight i just...idk...i don’t want to sleep bc i want to cry but i’m fucking exhausted. my sister had minor outpatient surgery last week that took a toll on her, and she’s been sick for like 4-5 mths, and i’ve been trying to take care of her, our new dog, the house, and my 2 jobs. and my disseration. and i did this research project in my research-based comp class this semester, which was really cool, bc i’m trying to bulk up the teaching/pedagogy part of my cv (bc i hopefully will be on the job market in the next year or so). and that took a lot of time, but i got accepted to 2 teaching conferences speaking about it, so yayes for that. and i’ve been keeping up with crossfit, but my diet has been kinda wonky, so FOOD GUILT and stress eating. and my parents were here helping me with my sister for like a week, which was great, except being with my parents is like a THING and the most exhausting thing ever. we just argue the whole time and they hate being at our hosue bc we do things differently than they do, and my mom kept making all these comments about how i haven’t taken good enough care of my sister for the past 4-5 mths that she’s been sick, and like they buy all this food and stuff to bring with them bc what we have isn’t good enough, or it’s snide comments like “well, they don’t eat BREAD...why don’t you use butter? i brought my own meat bc we don’t EAT that stuff...we don’t eat *insert bad food followed by eating different bad foods but getting mad when i point out the hypocrisy*” etc etc. and my mom has an eating disorder/body image problems (runs in the family, surprise surprise) which kinda floats over into me and things she says to me, and she constantly makes snide comments about me doing crossift, and like i love my mom, but omg i just want to be like WHY CAN’T THINGS BE GOOD WHEN YOU’RE HERE?? and that upsets me bc it’s like oil and water and i feel guilty. 

it’s just been stressful this year already. we’ve had a lot going on. i just need a break. but idek what i’d do with a break bc i can’t relax. and i can’t write bc of the writer’s block,w hich stresses me out, and when i’m watching tv, i feel like i should be writing or dissertating or working, so i’m just constantly in knots.

anyway. this is just a verbal vomit post to see if i could feel better and dissipate some of these anxiety/depression feelings and get to bed. 

<3

[avpdnoisearchive]

this might be an avpd thing , i just can't use social media with irl people because i have almost no friends irl and i'm scared my family or other ppl will realize how isolated and alone i truly am lmao ! and also because it makes me so anxious to interact with irl ppl and thats why i only use social media with ppl from the internet.. it makes me so ashamed... i wish i could share my social media with others but! it just makes me so anxious! i hate this so much!

this is literally so relatable. i worry all the time abt ppl i know irl reading this blog (even though it’s not really hidden or anything?) for the exact reason you said, i don’t want them to know how bad i get sometimes. i do try to look at it with this perspective though: this blog is sort of like a diary (bear with me ik that’s like the cringiest analogy). everyone writes really really personal things in diaries that they don’t want their friends & family to read, but they wouldn’t necessarily care if a stranger read it. this blog is for me to vent and connect w other people who struggle with the same things as me. the only thing ppl in my real life would find here is worry and i definitely don’t want to do that to them. like, sure, i do really wish i could be more honest with my loved ones about the dark shit i deal with, but tweeting 47 times in a row about how much i hate myself would send my mom into cardiac arrest lmao

does that make sense? it’s easy to feel guilty and like we’re lying to the people we love and know in real life but honestly i just feel like i’m saving them a lot of worry. i probably should open up more to them but them seeing a detailed list of every awful embarrassing symptom i write about on this blog is just going to make them uncomfortable and make me embarrassed. i really feel like keeping separate accounts isn’t a bad thing, especially if it opening up to people on the internet helps you in any way