#sobs mobile wouldn't let me put a title on it

[commanderhorncleaver]

apologies in the sun

“You already apologized,” Sigmund sighed. His voice was hoarse, and Augustus passed him the waterskin. That electric hum thrummed across the gap between their fingertips, from claw to claw, as he took it. He tried not to worry about the dragon–the dragon wasn’t his priority, not at this moment–but he wondered if it might make things harder for Sig.

“I know that, but it doesn’t make me feel better about it.” The sun beat down on them from a shockingly cloudless sky, and Augustus looked out over the stretch of sand that surrounded them. Gaius and Oberon had split off to find a spot they could contact Taimi, and once again August fretted about the consequences of his outburst the day before. He hadn’t been paying attention to where Gaius had sent Brimstone, though he knew the tribune’s separation from the group was intentional.

Sigmund leaned against him; their fur mingled together pleasantly, and Augustus felt his tail lash. “I already said I forgave you.”

“I know that, too,” Augustus started. Gaius and Oberon hadn’t broached the topic of what had happened–but it wasn’t out of character for either of them to do so. Gaius was as business-oriented as ever, and though he hadn’t voiced it, Sigmund’s sire hadn’t seemed particularly torn up about being puppeted to attack Rytlock. Rather, the older soldier had almost seemed disappointed at losing the opportunity to tear out the tribune’s throat, which in fact was another reason for why the group had separated again.

Augustus wondered if, perhaps, there was some deeper cause of Oberon’s malice towards Rytlock, but given he had no intention of asking, and less intention of skimming it from his mind, he’d likely never know.

“It’s just that–”

“So what’s the problem?” Sigmund asked at the same time.

Augustus breathed in the scents of the desert, a slow and calming action, the start of an exercise he’d been taught years ago to keep his emotions in check. There wasn’t any threat of an outburst now, but it let him arrange his thoughts and push them into order like ants in a line to figure out what it was he wanted to say. In the distance, some mile or so from them, he watched a hyena attack a choya.

“I shouldn’t have done it in the first place,” he breathed. He could feel Sig’s eyes on him, waiting for him to finish the thought. Memories of Gaius asking him if he understood why it was wrong threatened to overlap with memories of his mentor in Ash teaching him why he should, and he nudged at them to remain where they belonged. His teachings were oil and water; they didn’t mix, didn’t belong anywhere near one another.

“It isn’t just because it was you, but I can’t kick the thought that you’ll worry I’ll do it again. If we’re comfortable with it, why would I stop? How would that make me any different from–” he paused, and considered his words. Instead of who I used to be, he heard himself finish the thought as from Flame?

Sigmund’s answer was quick as he snaked his paw into Augustus’, intertwining their fingers. “You’re different because you know it’s wrong, and because I trust you to be responsible.”

Sig’s voice had deepened since he’d found the first of Vlast’s crystals, and now that he was the dead Scion’s champion, if August paid attention, he sometimes heard both their voices when Sigmund spoke. He tried not to worry about that–even if he didn’t like the idea of it, the dragon had made Sigmund hardier, healthier. He still needed breaks, only less frequent; he still leaned on Augustus for comfort and support, but now he seemed more confident in that. Augustus was glad for it, even if sometimes Vlast felt like an unwanted intruder in these moments–even if he couldn’t hear him, he knew the dragon spoke.

In the quiet, Sigmund continued, “I wouldn’t have volunteered for it, but I would have taken the shot for you, August. You know Obie would have, too. We’re not mad at you.”

A stiff and hot wind blew into Augustus’ face–he turned away and found himself gazing into Sig’s mostly-gray eyes; the yellow of Vlast’s brand flecked them now, bursts of sunlight behind a shelter of clouds. Augustus exhaled. The doubts hadn’t quieted, but looking at his mate, it was harder for them to run amok. He squeezed Sigmund’s paw.

“I’ll be mad at you if you don’t kiss me right now, though,” Sigmund grinned through sharp teeth.

Augustus obliged, pressing his muzzle against Sigmund’s and bringing his other paw up to hold him there as their rough, flat tongues mashed against one another for a long, sunbleached moment.

“I’ll do my best, then. Thank you, Sig.”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I (early 20s nb) be the asshole for "rushing"/taking over the responsibility my partner(early to mid 20s f) took to rehome a cat we adopted together?

🐉🐱 <- so I notice myself

Tw for cat death

I know this sounds terrible just from the title but please read the whole thing. I'm just so emotionally done at this point and it's getting dangerous for us. This is also long lmao and please don't post this to YouTube or TikTok, I don't wanna deal with it, even if I changed names and a few ages.

So I've been living with my partner and her family for almost 3 years. I moved 10 hrs away from my home state to live with her because my parents were abusive. We dated for about 2 years prior to me moving. My partners family are equally abusive just in different ways. My family had some verbal and emotional/mental abuse while her family has constantly threatened physical abuse and lots of mental and verbal abuse.

Either way, I was screwed but I'd rather at least be able to come home to the love of my life instead of only being able to text her. I should mention here that my partner works full time while I'm working to get on disability for mobility issues so I am with our cats every day. I bring a little income with commissions on my crafts but it's not enough to soully sustain us.

When I moved in, my partner had 2 cats, let's call them Salem and Vector. Salem was a 10 yr old male cat and Vector was 2 yr old male cat. About a year after I moved in, in the beginning of 2022, Salem died suddenly from kidney failure and we were devastated. Salem wasn't originally my partner's cat (she'd gotten him from a friend only a year prior to me moving in) but we still loved him deeply. He was the first pet I ever put down and I'll never forget my partner's sobbing. About 2 and ½ months later, we got a kitten, lets call him Arthur, a 3 month old male. We shouldn't have but my partner wanted one, I thought I was ready and Vector was very very lonely and depressed.

I named Arthur and Arthur was feisty from the very beginning but he was sweetish. I told my partner, in a panic late at night a week after getting him; that I wasn't ready for a new kitten, i regretted getting him, we werent bonding, etc etc and she told me to just relax and breathe and give it time so i did. I gave it a full year and a half and... I'm ashamed to say I still don't feel that love connection with him. It started out small; chewing and destroying wires, food aggression (not like he'd bite us if we went near his food, more just got very excited and would painfully climb us to get to our food or any food) and because he was so jumpy, he'd freak out over every sound and rip us up trying to jump off of us.

We got Arthur from a cat colony being watched over by my partner's coworkers however he was born indoors, spent the necessary time with Mom and was handled from day one so he wasn't feral. He'd wouldn't beat us up but anytime he got excited to play or get pet or get wet food or anything we got scarred. His destruction has just gotten worse the older he's gotten, hes very very loud all the time (we like vocal cats but he screams) and he's not affectionate at all. He's not mean but he's just not interested in any cuddling or pets or anything. I don't want a rug I have to feed and clean up shit after.

About 4 months later, we ended up with, let's call her Coral. Coral was another kitten, female this time, when she crawled up in my car. She was feral from the start but she quickly became very loving and cuddly and sweet. She still very much so is. I wanna say, although I never grew a particular fondness for Arthur like my partner has, I've never mistreated, abused or neglected Arthur in any way. I've never yelled at him or treated him differently from our other cats. He got the same cuddles and attention Coral and Vector get, the only difference is that Arthur is crated at night so he doesn't make us lose an eye from some hard zoomies or get into food or dangerous things when we can't watch him. He's out all day and is only crated from 12 pm to 7 am when my partner gets up and let's him out. He's got a bed, food and water, a few toys and a small litter box in his crate so he's covered and he can see us and his siblings the entire night so hes not have separation anxiety.

Now onto the hard part. I'm done with Arthur. Emotional and physically, I don't want Arthur anymore. I'm exhausted from being constantly ripped up and screamed at and having important things destroyed by Arthur the spider cat. No amount of clicker training or treats or sprays of water or redirections can stop him from ripping the room apart(said room is a small apartment, not a normal small room). He gets played with by us all the time and he's got 2 energetic siblings who play with him, we don't know why he acts this way. I could handle Arthur's antics for a bit longer if needed but 2 new issues have made me finally put my foot down about Arthur's further residence with us.

1. Arthur is constantly trying to dominate Coral to the point of hurting her and fur flying fights and scratches. It should be noted that all three cats were neutered/spayed the moment they were of age to do so so it's not a male cat thing. Arthur wants to be higher in the hierarchy but Coral won't take it and thus, some nasty screaming hissy cat fights. Almost very other time they are fine it's just when he gets humpy. There is also a near weekly occurrence of him not reading her " I don't want to play anymore" signals and fights ensue. I'm not gonna stand my cats hurting each other and Arthur is the constant instigator. He tries to fight with Vector too but gets put down immediately, he picks on Coral and not in a playful way. I'm not playing favorites because I love Coral and I'm not connected with Arthur, if Coral was aggressive, we'd take the issue just as seriously but Arthur is the aggressor and Coral is smaller and younger than him so she can't stand up for herself.

2. We need to get out of this house. Her family's abuse is worsening and they constantly joke about hurting our pets and their own pets (the pets have never seen each other, different floors of the house so Arthur's aggression has nothing to do with them). We could barely afford an apartment in the current housing crisis and can barely find ones that allow 1 cat, let alone 2. We have never and probably will never find one that allows 3. All this ignoring the fact we'd lose our deposit instantly from Arthur's destruction.

All in all, Arthur needs to go. I'm noticing myself getting more and more stressed and frustrated and short with a Arthur and he doesn't deserve to live with someone who doesn't love him. Even if he's treated no differently, I'm sure Arthur can tell and even if I feel justified in my lack of love for him, I know he's not trying to hurt us or destroy things maliciously. I'm not nor will ever hurt him but I'm just done with constantly flinching cause he jumped on the bed or dreading letting him out of the cage in the morning because it was so peaceful before then.

I told my partner about 8 months ago (June of 2023) that I was fully done with Arthur and if we ever wanted to leave here, he'd have to go. I told my partner I wanted to start this process in Sept and hopefully have him either rehome or in a no-kill shelter by the end of Oct. I know my partner gets very attached to her animals so that's why I gave her 3 months to process things and a month to rehome him. I was very gentle but stern about this because it would be what's best for him and best for us. My partner agreed but asked if she could do the rehoming and to not talk about it until Sept. I obliged.

Sept, as you can see, has long come and went and now it's Jan of 2024. I've been asking my partner about once a month about the rehoming process and how it's going with mixed results. She made a pet profile on a rehoming site but when I read the description, she didn't really "sell" him well aka mentioned every possible bad thing about him and didn't mention any positives. It felt like she was sabotaging it but I let it be. She showed me a list of 40 no-kill shelters in Dec but she had only checked off 4 of them. She promised me he'd be rehomed by the end of 2023 and he's still here and we are no closer to doing it.

I don't want to wait till the week we move out to rehome him, the stress of the move and changing of the household will be too much stress on us and on Coral and Vector. I don't wanna wait for kitten season to swing back around and we'll never find a place for him. I know it's hard for her but she's breaking a promise for a cat she's admitted herself she's starting to hate. I know rehoming is a process but it's not moving and I feel like my say on his continued residency is being disregarded. I'm not trying to rush my partner but she's broken a promise, it's been 8 months since she could start preparing for this and 5 since she's "started the process" she's dragging her feet intentionally.

So, my idea is that I'll take over the process. I'll offer to help and find the places and get things in order so we can get one less stressor in our lives and Arthur can live in a home with the attention and patience he deserves. I wanna ask her if she wants my help but I don't want her to feel rushed to do it and get upset with me for doing what she promised she would.

I feel like she's waiting for me to just give up and give in and let him stay but she's not the one who has to deal with him all day every day and we don't make enough to find a bougie apartment to take in 3 cats. He'd need to be rehomed even if we got attached because we can't take them all. So, would I be the asshole for taking over the rehoming process for a cat me and my partner no longer like because my partner is intentionally dragging her feet on it or am I justified?

(to note, my partner brought up the possibility that Arthur has a mental illness/possibly be inbred due to the cat colony situation or that we could get him professional training. The issue is we live in a very rural area without a lot of money, 1. We would not be able to afford any mental illness controlling medicine for the long term when we can barely afford our own meds and 2. Classes to train animals are very expensive and the places that could train Arthur are at least a 3 hour drive away. Its not feasible for us, especially when I don't have a license/might not be able to drive on my own due to my disability. If he was properly sheltered, they could get him that help/training or his new owners could afford to but we can't. We can't put him in a kill shelter for moralistic reasons either.)

What are these acronyms?

[themarcusmoreno]

unsteady

an: this doesn’t have a read more bc i don’t know how to do them tbh AND i’m posting from mobile. any errors present are yet again my own. i tried to give my dumbass, baby boy javier what i took away in timing is everything. i suggest listening to this version of the song that inspired the title and i hope that you guys enjoy it, i’m proud of this one. i left this with a possiblity for more, if that’s something you’d like to see let me know! feedback is welcome! //// tagging: @spacedadheadcanons, @bonkybaaarnes, @callingmrsbarnes, @buckywiththegoodglare, @drakecaggiula91, @thatsonehellofajedi, @mando-vibes, @i-like-those-odds, @i-am-forever-a-fan, @fvckingavengers, @ikeatwins776

You found becoming a DEA agent to be an easy task, falling into the training and field work like they were second nature. You made a name for yourself, eager to the fight and quick to solve the issues presented to you. So, when the opportunity came for you to take an open post in Colombia, in Bogotá, you took it. Transportig your life to the new country seemed easy enough but finding your place amongst the senior agents proved troublesome, especially when Javier Peña seemed to be involved. You'd been placed with him and his partner, Steve Murphy. Where Steve had warmed up to you quickly, Javier stayed distant and cold. Every bit the asshole you had been warned he would be.

Over the coming months, you saw small breaks in the persona the man presented. Whether it was when you joined he and Steve for drinks after a particularly rough day or at the "family dinners" that Connie held once a week. You, even in the briefest of moments, got to see a different side of him. One that showed the crinkle of his face as he laughed at one of the jokes Steve shared, the warmth of his smile as he watched Connie with the Murphy’s little girl and even the lingering glance he'd give you as you told stories about your early days as an agent. A smirk played on his lips every time he saw you home safely and bid you goodnight.

"You know if you keep this up I may think you actually like me or something, Peña." A smile spreads across you face as you lean against the doorway of your apartment.

"Now what would give you that idea?" Javier has a smile of his own as watches you, arms crossed over his chest and head tilted upward ever so slighty.

You chuckle and roll your eyes, turning to disappear into your quiet home. "Goodnight, Javier."

A brief wave of somethig like sadness fills his chest as he watces you turn away, his arm aching to reach out and grasp yours but instead he is met with the soft click of your door. "Yeah.. goodnight, cariña." He mumbles, sighing and rubbing his jaw before he backs away to head to his own place just a floor below.

In the coming weeks, you saw more of that change in Javier. Once in him lingering near the entrance of the office long after finishing his cigarette, fresh cup of coffee in hand for the both of you. You hid the soft smile that crept on to your face at the gesture behind your cup, walking along with him as he explaied yet another lead in the hunt for Escobar. You saw it again in him seeking you out after another raid had failed and your team had lost four men. You'd be alone, gathering your own thoughts when the knocking at the door had pulled you from your silence. Wiping your face quickly, you opened the door to him standing there looking no better than you felt. His jaw clenched and eyes tired as he took your appearance in slowly.

"Mind if I come in?" The softness of his request betraying the way his features held such frustration. You gave a slight nod and made your way back to the chair you'd previously occupied. When he speaks again there's something in his tone you can't quite place, concern maybe. "I couldn't find you when we got back. You disappeared and nobody saw where you went. I thought you'd left. I needed - wanted to make sure you were okay."

You were silent a few seconds before you brought your gaze to his, fresh tears threatening to spill. "Would you be? I lost men, Jav. I lost four good men because of a fucking raid I planned." There's a bite to your words, not at the man in front you but at the pain in knowing you'd cost someone their life for something you believed in, something you trusted. A wave of nausea brought you to your feet, the emotions overwhelming. You let the tears fall, not noticing the gentle pressure of Javier's hand on your arm as he pulled you close. You didn't fight him, instead you turned into him and gave yourself over to the sobs that racked your body.

"Easy, cariña. Easy." Javier rubbed the small of your back, holding you close and letting you cry. His heart broke for the pain you felt and the thought of the guilt you carried. "What happen.. What happen today, it wasn't your fault. The best laid plans fall apart every fucking day and I know that better than anyone else. So does Steve. But this, this raid and what happen to those men wasn't your fault. You want someone to blame, you blame me. Not yourself, me. Understand?"

You listened to him, your tears slowing as spoke to you. Firm but gentle. When you did't respond he said your name softly, repeating his question. "Blame me, no one else. Understand?" He gave you gentle squeeze, words slightly muffled by your hair as he rested his chin against you.*You nodded slowly, pulling away from his tear strained shirt, and answering. "I understand but - "

"No buts. You did your job well today and thats what matters for now. Losing men is never easy but we recover, come back harder the next time and you can bet we will. Harder and faster than this time. We'll avenge the fallen and take that bastard Escobar down a peg or two when we do." Javier looks over your face, absentmindedly reaching to brush a stray tear from your cheek. He lets his hand linger before he shakes his head a little and steps back. "You should take the day. I'll get your reports done. Just go home and rest, yeah?"

You don't stop him as he pulls away, don't reach out fo him the way you want, instead you nod slowly and wrap your arms around yourself to savor the bit of his warmth left. "Are you sure, Jav?"

"Positive, miel. Go home, rest and I'll check on you when I get done here." He gives you a soft smile, not hesitating to reach out and brush your hair from your face. "Maybe I'll bring food too."

"Nothing you cook though because I want to survive the night." You smirk, laughing at his look of shock. "Sorry, you're a great agent but a shit cook." When he grumbles a response, you just shake your head and press a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Thank you, Jav." You squeeze his arm and smile, glancing back at him before you step out into the hallway.

He feels it then, the unsteady beating of his heart as he watches you leave. The feel of your lips still on his cheek and your scent lingering on his shirt, he knows what it is but he won't say it, at least not aloud. He just sighs, "Shit..."

The month that follows is different, you can't place it but something is different between you and Javier. He's more attentive, checks in on you more frequently. Lingering touches, soft smiles and few too many quiet moments shared for you to keep ignoring whatever may be there growing between the two of you. You don't get to bring it up to him, address the elephant in the room, before another wave of information comes in. Leads you needed to help the raid you, Javier and Steve were planning. Though leery to go out again, your partners encouragement had you eager to finally put a dent in the armor Pablo Escobar thought he wore.

"We've get every possibly scenario covered. Too many guards, too few guards. Nothing in the lab, something in the lab. Civilians present, no civilians present. I'm not saying it's perfect but its about the best damn plan we've had in a while." Steve looks up from the map to the small gathering of men, including you.

"Doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful. Expect the unexpected, I don't want another repeat of last time." Your arms cross over your chest as you look at everything spread across the table. “Everyone gets a vest, everyone has a partner. You watch each others back. We work quickly, we get home faster."

"Well you heard her. Date prisa, go get the gear and be out front in ten." Javier gives your arm a firm squeeze and winks before he joins the other men leaving the room.

You feel his gaze on you before you speak, sighing as you look at Steve. “What Murph?"

"You gonna tell him?" Steve quirks an eyebrow as he pops his gum and rocks on his heels.

Your breath catches and you brush it off as a cough as you start to speak again. "I don't know what you mean. There's nothing to tell anyone."

Steve scoffs, shaking his head as he gathers things from the table. "Uh huh. You keep telling yourelf that, darlin.” He smiles and squeezes your shoulder, "If it helps, he feels the same way. I've been that asshole's partner long enough to know when he's fallen for someone and that someone happens to be you." He heads towards the door, glancing back once more. "Just... Just don't wait too long to tell him. With our job, we aren't always promised tomorrow. But I told him the same thing and so far no one has made a move.”

You hesitate in the now quiet room and let Steve's words sink. Whatever you felt, Javier felt it too. You wouldn't wait past today, you'd tell him as soon as you could. "I'll tell him tonight." With vocal confirmation, you nodded to yourself and went out to join your men.

Javier had been right that day in the office as he held you close, the best laid plans really do fall apart and its usually in the worst of ways. There had been an ambush waiting, a leak from your own department tipping the guards off. You were all outnumbered before you even got there, but when you did you gave them hell. Losing two of your own men as they worked to stop the assault. When the man you'd paired yourself with was taken down, you felt the fear of not making it set in. It make you hyper aware, but not enough. Javier had covered your six after your partner went down, keeping an eye on Steve as well. That's how he saw him, lurking just out of your peripheral vision and coming up fast. The solid body crashing into you was enough to distract you from the shots but when the body didn't hurriedly move, you knew something was wrong. You shifted enough and the body of your protector landed beside you, causing him to groan lowly. You could see the blood pooling slowly, panic rising as your eyes traveled up to his face. Javier.

"Steve, fuck! Steve, get some medic here. Javi is shot, he's bleeding out!" You look around for Steve, locking eyes with him as he brings his walkie to his mouth.

"Necesito abulancia. Oficial de policía abajo." He listens to the feedback and curses. "Goddamnit! They're ten minutes out, he got that long?"

You survey the area of the pooling blood, grimacing at the pained sound Javier produces. "Maybe.. I can't be sure. He took a couple rounds, looks like they went through but its not good. It doesn't look good, Murph." You feel the familar burn of tears as they start to form. Steve's voice fading away as you look down to the soft call of your name. "Jav? Take it easy for me, okay? Try not to move."

Javier blinks softly, the vision of you him above edged in darkness. "Mi sol.." He winces, grasping at your hand as you press it against the wounds. "Oh mi sol, I'm sorry."

His sun. You blink back tears as you look him, cupping his face carefully with your free hand. "Javier, why? Why would you do this?" You don't hold back, letting the tears fall freely. The sound of the ambulance outside not pulling you from the moment. "Javi, why? I don't - I can't lose you now."

Javier smiles, its weak and fading but he smiles as he squeezes you hand and starts to lose consciousness. "This.. This is about keeping you alive." When he starts to drift off, he hears hurried spanish and your cries.

A week. Javier Peña lays in a drug induced coma for a week before he starts to become aware again. Its slow at first, a groan that has you gathering a nurse then a few mumbled curses as starts to fully wake up. You watch him drink slowly from the cup of offered water. Closing his eyes again before he slowly opens them once more to scan the room, you hear his breath catching softly as he looks at you. You don't hear the nurse leave, you don't feel yourself move until your close to his side and his hand is in yours. The warm, tan skin familiar and welcome in your grasp.

You get choked up as you start to speak, the reassuring squeeze of his hand in yours bring the words forward. "I.. I thought I lost you."

Javier's voice comes out soft, raspy from lack of use. "Can't kill me if they wanted to, miel. I'm too fucking stubborn to die." He laughs and grimaces, shifting in the bed for you to have room to sit.

You reach up, rubbing his cheek gently once you finally join him. "Well you at least got the stubborn part right." You tease, wiping your eyes as you look at him. Stubble lines his jaw and chin, his hair unkempt and you know he's never looked better. Never looked more alive.

"What's on your mind?" He questions, running his thumb over your knuckles as he watches your eyes shift over him.

"Do you remember what you said? Before you blacked out?" You work your lip between your teeth before he slowly reaches up and pulls it free.

"Si." He cups your cheek, no hesitation in his movements. "Por qué?"

"What did you mean? 'This is about keeping you alive.' What does that mean?" You lean into his hand, savoring the feel of him against your skin.

Javier shifts, taking his hand from your face and wincing he sits up more. When he's finally up and stable, he leans in presses a soft kiss to your lips. Sighing against your mouth as you return his affection, he breaks the kiss and rest your foreheads together. "It means that I can't picture my life without you in it and I don't want to. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you that, to tell you I love you."

You smile, matching his own as you kiss him again. "Glad to know it takes almost dying to get you to confess your feelings." You joke, closing your eyes and basking in the moment with Javier. "I love you too and I'm not going anywhere."

[blueprint-han]

Dawn, what a masterpiece you have crafted with Silver Rose. I wish you could have seen me reading it live and just the amount of times my face scrunched up and I felt like bawling and sobbing like a baby, because this hurt me so much and I'm going to need some time to emotionally recover from the rollercoaster of a ride this was.

I don't have my laptop rn and can't rb smh, so I'm just going to tell you my thoughts here and then do that some time later okay. be warned. uh.... long, very long rant ahead, because I took this fic personally and would like to thank you but also spew out some profanity because holy SHIT THIS WAS TERRIBLY PAINFUL

wait uhh a SPOILER FOR SILVER ROSE AHEAD!!

where do I even start? from the beginning even, you established this very heavy, very dark atmosphere that like, made me feel like wherever this story was going, it wouldn't end up good and like, yeah that was the dread speaking I think oh gods uhh my thoughts will probably not make sense but bare with me

I can't even come close to imagine the pain jeongin must have been feeling all throughout this and you just described his emotions so fucking well and wow it, just reading it made me so emotional and teary and so reading him just beating himself up over and over and over inside just broke me oh man

and his guilt for "not loving" reader is just, that line in the beginning broke me because IT WASNT TRUE!! YOU DID LOVE HER, JEONGIN!! but it wasn't the same way as reader and he realised it and allowed himself to love her in that way much too late- what I'm trying to say is, he loved her so so so much, but it wasn't romantically, but that doesn't lessen the value any less because cmon man, he cares for reader so much????

"Could Jeongin ever forgive himself?"

NO MAN WTF ALL THE WAY INTO THE ENDING IT JUST PAINED ME BECAUSE EVEN AFTER YEARS AND YEARS HE STILL COULDNT oh dear i-

the reason reader was suffering was all technically because of him, it all led back to him and just imagining the sheer amount of guilt he was facing and it killed me inside when you wrote how even he was shrinking down and sick with worry and everything but the when jeongin finally confessed in that garden, the days after that, he started to get better while reader started to worsen???

the first moment I actually felt so emotionally stricken by was when he told reader to not leave him and that was when I finally cried and it ACHED

and something about the reader saying "One last time" and the fact that she couldn't even get to finish the sentence and struggled… the way jeongin knew that and felt like dropping to his knees and just sobbing his heart out, yet again, right then and there… it hurt

and the contrast between ↓

the parallels are so amazing and heartbreaking

the moment in the garden scene where reader tell jeongin "I love you" directly, it just hurt my heart to read about Jeongin's dams just bursting and him breaking down in tears just from those three words, because reader was dying for that exact same reason, because she loved him is just… my heart reached out for him even though this was just a fictional story

and jeongin begging reader to not hold him back and to let him just…. to just love you

the way reader notices the year streaks on his face after cleaning the bloodied bowl, the time when reader says that she would rather die, knowing that jeongin loved you, instead of just living in that numbness, AND THEN YOU HAD TO HIT US EITH "but he knows he hasn't faced the worst part yet." like, HOW MUCH MORE WRONG COULD THIS GO????

much worse apparently.

him dragging out some time to stay with reader longer before she died because he was still so so so scared of letting reader go?? my heart?? does not properly function anymore??? pain??

there was this thought that I had while reading the silver rose part.

the rose signified a pain, a beautiful pain, right? I just found it so sad, that the meaning was so different to a silver lining. silver linings represent something good amidst the dark and dreary clouds, yet this silver rose just brought so much pain and… fuck you, rose. I won't look at flowers the same way again.

the second time I had to put down my phone and just weep for a moment was near the end, when jeongin finay visits her grave and tells her that he would make her proud, that he would not let her be forgotten. it brought me a feeling of closure, and I felt so fucking bittersweet. THE THINGS YOU DO TO ME, DAWN. WTH.

MY POINT IS, I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE A LEGEND FOR WRITING THIS ROLLERCOASTER OF A JOURNEY

okay I actually hate Tumblr because I answered this ask and Tumblr just crashed so I have to write it out again zmzhzj

🥺😭❣️ oh my gosh, this is going to make me cry. Your words have definitely made me feel very happy, and your excitement and analysis of the story is making me feel KAKDJLDNSKIS on the inside thank u so much vera :((((

NOOOO I DIDN'T WANNA RUIN ROSES FOR U 😭😂 but your analogy of the silver linings and roses is an interesting thought! I hadn't thought of it that way but now that you've told me it makes sense! It's such a good way to think of the symbolism and 😭🥺😭🥺 you've just made my whole day and your words carry a special place in my heart.

ALSO SKSJSKJS THE PARALLELS THING WERE ONE OF MY FAV LINES FROM THE WHOLE THING!!

Also I had to give these two butterflies closure or my heart wouldn't have let me live in peace ;-; it is very bittersweet and ngl it made me cry when I wrote it smxbxkxn

KSMSKJSKSJ I am no where near a legend dear but just because it's you I will accept that title 🥺😭❣️ and thank YOU for writing me this ask ;-;

ps if u wanna rb the fic via mobile, u can go to my blog and you'll see some self Reblogs of the fic below the pinned post, and u can rb them! Tumblr won't crash when u do that that's how I've been self reblogging them via mobile zjzjzmjzh </3