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ruvviks · 2 years

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Chapter >> 12 [x] Characters >> Daniil Dobrynin (oc), Mama Welles, Matvey Dobrynin (oc), Mikhail Koshechkin (oc), Nadya Dobrynina (oc), Pepe Najarro, Roksana Dobrynina (oc), Viktor Vektor, Vincent Mayer (oc), Vitali Dobrynin (oc) Total >> 14.7k words Warnings >> Alcohol, arguing with mother (nightmare mode), blood, brainwashing mention, brief ableism mention, death mention, descriptions of an intense mental breakdown resulting into an impulsive bad decision, drugs mention, family / parents, forced diet mention, gaslighting, transphobia (mentioned in part 1, heavily discussed in part 3 and an implied mention in part 4), violence mention

The sun hung low on the horizon, golden light pouring in through the partially blinded window of the living room. A deceiving sight; it was anything but warm outside, the temperatures dropping significantly during the winter months even in Night City, and the sharp, biting wind made it anything but pleasant to be outside.

Fortunately, Vitali had gotten to spend most of his day comfortably indoors. His classes had finished early that morning and he had gone straight home, unable to visit Mikhail- said friend had needed to help his father with his work, and Vitali himself had needed to finish a whole list of tasks before his mother would come home.

There had been a time he would never tell anyone when he would get home, wanting to prevent his mother from- well, exactly what had happened this time- dumping a lengthy list of chores on his back the second she would hear he would have an afternoon off. However, he had stopped doing that after he’d gotten in trouble once, when Nadya had found out he had been smoking weed in the school’s parking lot after classes.

Vitali cared very little about what his parents had to say of his poor life decisions; yet the consequences that had followed due to the poorly timed school visit by his mother had been dire enough for him to rarely stick around after classes anymore.

And if he wanted to go for a smoke, he would simply do that at Mikhail’s place next time.

He entered the living room, fresh out of the shower; his long, bleached hair was still a little damp and he hadn’t had the energy to do anything else with it other than hand dry it and let it fall down over his shoulders.

His roots were showing. He needed to buy more bleach again soon.

Vitali dropped himself on the couch with a pained grimace, a jolt of pain shooting up through his leg to his spine and neck and head. A moment of peace, finally- yet the second he allowed himself to relax, he heard the front door open and after a brief silence the loud BANG that followed told him that Nadya had arrived home.

A sharp exhale left his body and he braced himself- as if that would make things easier for him, as if it would soften the blow- but what blow, exactly? Nothing had even happened.

Yet.

‘How was work?’ Vitali quietly asked, glancing at his mother from the corner of his eye when she entered the room and watching her essentially throw her bag down on the table, with such force he almost feared she would break the tabletop.

‘Horrible, as usual,’ was the cold response. ‘Problem after problem which could all have easily been prevented had they just not been stupid and if they had just listened to me from the start.’

Vitali was not sure why he still bothered to ask.

Nadya never had something nice to say about her colleagues- which was fair enough, but the constant complaining about every single thing they did wrong in her eyes was starting to wear him down and he often wondered why she didn’t just bring it up at work instead.

‘But you fixed it, yes?’ he asked, slowly sitting up and directing his full attention to his mother now, making sure to not make his voice sound too aggressive by accident. ‘Like you always do.’

‘A complete waste of my precious time, you mean.’ Alright, ego-flattering failed. ‘I already have to do everything myself here- I had hoped the adults at work would know better than that.’

A sharp exhale left Vitali’s body as he turned his head away from his mother and toward the window instead, closing his eyes when the bright sunlight fell directly on his face. His list of finished chores was right there on the tip of his tongue, yet he kept his mouth wisely shut and waited until the adrenaline that had risen in his chest faded again.

Whenever Nadya was in a bad mood, she would take the entire ship down with her- would say whatever would come to mind, no matter how hurtful or unfair in the moment to those around her, and then she would loudly wonder why everyone was upset and nobody wanted to even look her in the eye.

It was how most of her arguments and fights with Matvey- and Vitali too- started. But he was not going to let it get to that, that day.

‘Unbelievable how useless all personnel are here,’ Nadya muttered, ‘stupid bankers and security alike. A bunch of sheep. No ambitions to grow, no ambitions to improve- back in Wellsprings people were enthusiastic, full of life. I would rather be there than anywhere else right now.’

Vitali bit the inside of his cheek much harder than he’d meant for and the taste of iron rapidly spilled into his mouth, replacing the words he was desperately trying to hold in.

Ever since his father had received his promotion, Nadya had been worse than she’d ever been before. Forcibly relocated to City Center, despite her wishes to remain in Wellsprings; moving there had already been too much for her to handle, and clearly she had not mixed well with the rest of her new workplace.

Vitali would’ve understood, had it not been for the fact Nadya had been the one to constantly push Matvey to work harder to get that promotion in the first place.

‘They should appreciate me more.’ Of course she was not finished yet. ‘Three operations in the past two weeks- all carried out by me. And what do I get? A lousy “thank you” and everyone has moved on again. You know, before we moved here, I-’

‘Then why don’t you ask if they can relocate you back?’

The question had left Vitali’s lips before he could stop himself.

A rush of adrenaline instantly washed over him again and he tensed up his muscles, physically bracing himself for whatever Nadya would hurl back at him. He watched in dead silence how his mother’s eyes narrowed and she turned her head toward him.

‘It’s really not that easy,’ she plainly stated, the aggressive tone of her voice causing Vitali’s heartbeat to pick up even more than it already had.

‘It is always worth asking, yes?’ he quickly added, a desperate attempt at softening his earlier question.

‘Oh- So you’re saying this is my own fault, then?’

‘That’s not even close to what I-’

‘Silence!’

Vitali’s teeth clacked together from the force with which he closed his mouth and he instantly stood up from the couch, but his mother smacked her hand flat on the table and he froze mid-movement.

‘Don’t you dare walk away from me now,’ she sneered at him- in Russian, to his surprise. ‘Do you truly think I’m stupid? That I never considered asking that?’

‘It was just a suggestion, I was trying to think with you, not-’

‘Stop fucking interrupting me!’

Vitali lowered his gaze, feeling tears begin to well up in the corners of his eyes. He was starting to become light-headed; a wild storm raging in his chest and ramming into his ribcage and tearing at his lungs making it near impossible to keep his breathing stable, an all-consuming fire in his head burning through his eye sockets and making him see nothing but red-

You should’ve kept your mouth shut.

‘They will never allow me to work in Wellsprings while I’m living here!’ Nadya yelled at him, taking a step toward him- and despite the fact she was significantly shorter than he was, he still instinctively took a defensive step back.

‘Traffic in this fucking city will never allow me to be on time and they know this- we cannot move back because of your father’s job so I am stuck here!’

‘Stuck?’

Shut up. Stop talking.

Vitali exhaled, a scoff leaving his lips with it. ‘You feel stuck here?’

Don’t say it. Just stop talking.

But he was seething.

Sick and tired of watching his mother yell at everyone over the littlest of things, sick and tired of watching her ruin the lives of his siblings by making them so afraid of her they would rather stay in their rooms all day than be in the living room- sick and tired of hearing her yell at his father for things that did not need to be yelled about- sick and fucking tired of constantly being seen as a daughter instead of a son-

‘If you hate it so much here,’ he slowly said, straightening his back and taking a single step forward again, ‘then why don’t you just fucking leave?’

Silence washed over the living room.

And Vitali regretted saying anything at all.

Nadya’s eyes widened- not with anger, but shock. Her mouth half open, a brief furrowing of her brow as Vitali’s words settled in her head-

But he had meant it.

All she ever did was complain. About everything, about everyone. If she truly hated all of them so much, then why was she still sticking around?

‘Excuse me?’ she quietly said, though Vitali knew better than to fall for the sudden change in the tone of her voice. He clenched his jaw and shrugged, gesturing vaguely into the space around them.

‘How dare you speak to me like that.’

Her words hurt him.

They always did, no matter how convinced of his own right he was. His mother could make him feel immense guilt like no one else could, guilt he could not quite place; she could make him feel like a disappointment and he was very much aware that is exactly what he was in her eyes, and despite never caring about any of it-

In those moments, he cared. He cared so very much.

‘I give all of you my everything,’ Nadya slowly said, eyes narrowing ever so slightly and Vitali could see the quiver of her lower lip as she spoke. ‘And this is what I get in return?’

‘I finished the chores you gave me, if that makes a difference,’ Vitali bluntly responded. ‘Like I do every day.’

‘You realize I am your mother, right? Not one of your friends from school!’

‘All I’m saying is if this place makes you so miserable then why stick around?’

‘You think it’s that easy?’

‘Leaving? Must be much easier than whatever it is you’re doing now!’

Another day, another fight.

It was an endless cycle to Vitali and he was used to it by then. Years of unnecessary confrontation caused by Nadya’s compulsion to take everything personally and Vitali’s inability to keep his mouth shut.

And oh, how he wished things were different; how he wished he could have normal conversations with his mother, how he wished he wouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around her at all times, how he wished he could just feel comfortable in his own home again like he used to when he was younger-

‘Sometimes I truly wonder why I even bother talking to you!’ Nadya yelled, throwing a wild gesture in Vitali’s direction as she redirected her attention to her bag on the table.

‘I was only trying to fucking help and you decide to misinterpret my words and blow it out of proportion!’ Vitali yelled back.

‘First you imply you think it’s my own fault I’m stuck here, and then you have the nerve to tell me to get out of my own house? How about you get your stuff and get out of here!’

‘Once I’m done with high school I fucking will!’

Another day.

Another fight.

Vitali stormed past Nadya into the hallway, ignoring any more of her screaming as he found his way back to his room. Fuming with anger once more, face and ears burning red and hands and shoulders shaking uncontrollably to the point his teeth were chattering. He grabbed the door, readying himself to slam it shut-

He paused.

For just a second.

What fucking difference does it make?

And he slammed it shut anyway.

Vitali was cold.

A shiver ran down his spine, muscles involuntarily tensing up as he rubbed his hands together in a desperate attempt to keep a grip on himself; he was merely sitting in bed, yet it felt like he just got done running a marathon and was now standing in nothing but his underwear in the Arctic.

It was nearing midnight, but Vitali was all but tired; still high on adrenaline from what had happened earlier that day- finding Roksana cornering Mikhail in his office building’s weapon storage- and he wished he could just ram his head into the wall to knock himself out for the night.

The door suddenly opened, startling him a little and he nearly went for his nightstand- again- a reflex he had been trying to get rid of, yet could not shed. His handgun hadn’t been there for a long while, now.

He expected to see Vincent, yet it was Mikhail who walked in and closed the door behind him before walking over to the bed. Vitali did not question it- Mikhail came there a lot more often- though it was curious to see him there now. He had mostly kept his distance in the past few weeks.

‘Are you alright?’ Vitali quietly asked him, watching as Mikhail sat down on the edge and moved a little closer.

‘I’m fine, yes,’ he answered. ‘I just- I wanted to see you before going to bed.’

Vitali moved closer as well and carefully wrapped his arms around Mikhail’s shoulders, pulling him in for a gentle hug and planting a kiss on his head. He had partially expected his friend to try and avoid him or push him away- but Mikhail gratefully dropped his head on Vitali’s shoulder instead and relaxed in his arms.

Despite everything that had happened, they still had each other. Vitali was grateful; more than he could ever express, as he had been convinced Mikhail would never want to speak to him again after what had happened last year.

Especially after the fight they’d had at the start of January, when Vitali had no longer been under Arasaka’s control- in that moment he had truly thought that-

‘I’m sorry,’ Vitali quietly spoke, pushing the nagging memories away and the words heavy in his mouth as he lowered his gaze and carefully let go of Mikhail. ‘I should have never let her stay.’

‘Nothing happened,’ Mikhail instantly cut him off, softly bumping his head against Vitali’s. He visibly hesitated for a second- but then still reached for Vitali and brushed some of his hair out of his face, fingertips kissing the skin of his forehead. ‘She was persistent, but- nothing happened.’

Vitali loved Mikhail so much.

But he could make him feel regret like no one else could.

It was all Vitali’s own fault, really- losing his phone and thus losing contact with his friend for six years, not being strong enough to fight off Arasaka’s brainwashing technology and because of that nearly stabbing Mikhail to death, not knowing when to keep his mouth shut and nearly letting the only fight they’ve ever had ruin everything for them-

And now he had allowed Roksana to stay and it had almost gone wrong again.

‘Hey- Look at me.’

Mikhail’s voice was gentle and soothing as ever, his words like soft kisses on Vitali’s bruises. He tapped Vitali’s chin with his finger, forcing him to look back up- and quickly repeated the gesture with his other hand, a frustrated frown taking shape on his face with it and Vitali couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

‘Sure, laugh it up,’ Mikhail mumbled and clicked his tongue, corners of his mouth twitching as he failed to hide his own smile and he lightly shook his head. ‘I’m fine, V. Truly. I need you to know that.’

‘I feel bad,’ Vitali bluntly replied, his smile fading again as he let his eyes move over the features of Mikhail’s face. ‘It shouldn’t have happened.’

‘I know you do. But you shouldn’t. I get it.’ A short pause, and Mikhail playfully poked Vitali in his side, causing his muscles to tighten and the corners of his mouth to lightly pull up again. ‘I do. And you know that.’

Out of all his loved ones, Mikhail knew Vitali’s family best. Of course he did- he had witnessed plenty of the family drama either directly or indirectly during their childhood and he knew like no one else how complicated Vitali’s feelings about them were. Had never judged him for any of it, either; far too busy sorting out his own complicated home situation, and even now that they both got out of it years later he was still so- understanding.

Vitali sometimes wondered why. But he was too scared to bring it up.

‘You worry so much about everything and everyone,’ Mikhail continued, ‘but- it’s okay. We are fine, and you need to start worrying about yourself now.’

It sounded so easy, said like that. But Vitali couldn’t possibly stop worrying about his friends, even knowing that they were all very capable mercenaries and had more than often done a better job at protecting themselves than he had.

He stared at Mikhail for a moment, trying to let his words sink in-

But he couldn’t.

And he knew that Mikhail knew, too.

‘Will you go see her?’ he asked, slightly tilting his head and clenching his jaw, just enough for Vitali to notice.

‘I have to, Misha,’ he answered, smiling wryly and averting his gaze when another string of tics left Mikhail’s mouth. ‘I have to know. I have to know.’

From the moment he had asked Roksana for their mother’s location, Vitali had known that Mikhail hadn’t liked the idea in the slightest. Understandably so; out of all his family members, Nadya had caused him the most misery when he was younger and even now with his father actively trying to ruin his life, Vitali knew very well which one of them could hurt him more.

‘I’m sorry,’ he managed to add, though the way the words left his mouth made them sound insincere. That hadn’t ever happened before- not with Mikhail on the receiving end, at least.

‘I know,’ Mikhail quietly said, and Vitali was unsure what exactly he was responding to. Their gazes met in the middle again for one final time and Mikhail nodded lightly- ‘I know.’

Vitali hesitantly leaned in again and Mikhail immediately pulled him closer, squeezing him a little harder than before. He didn’t want Vitali to go- and the knowledge of that alone made Vitali question everything again, despite the fact Mikhail was no longer trying to change his mind.

‘Good night,’ Mikhail whispered, just loud enough for Vitali to hear while he slowly let go again and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

Vitali reached out to him and brushed some of his hair out of his face, and smiled when Mikhail made a playful biting motion at his fingers.

‘Good night, душа моя.’

He watched in silence as Mikhail stood up again and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him and leaving Vitali all alone. He bit his lip and lowered his gaze, eyes finding his clenched fists; his near-permanently bruised knuckles were whitened from the force.

He found himself slipping again. And rather quickly, now; his well-deserved break was once again proving to have been too short and the more time passed the deeper he fell back into the same overthinking pit he had found himself stuck in before his father had decided for a ceasefire.

‘Hey baby.’

The door had opened yet another time; but now it was Vincent entering the room, already in his pajamas- boxers and an old t-shirt of Vitali, which he had stolen from Jackie at some point in time- and he smiled at him while walking over and sitting down on the bed with him.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, gently pushing Vitali back against the headboard of the bed and climbing on his lap.

Instead of responding, Vitali merely wrapped his arms around Vincent’s waist and buried his face in his boyfriend’s chest, inhaling deeply as he closed his eyes. Vincent softly kissed the top of his head and carefully ran his fingers through his hair, allowing him to take a moment to wind down.

How grateful Vitali was to have him- especially after everything that had happened. Ever since the incident with the Relic, Vincent had been living on borrowed time; and even now, the both of them still worried if Arasaka’s stabilizer had successfully eradicated every remnant of Soulkiller or if it had been yet another temporary solution to the problem-

Vitali tried not to think about it too much.

He had been so scared to lose Vincent. Terrified. Had put all his resources and connections forward to try and save him- no matter what- which, ironically enough, had ultimately led to the circumstances they found themselves in now.

But he didn’t regret it. If he had to do it all over again, he would-

In a heartbeat.

‘I don’t know,’ Vitali finally answered, slightly pulling back to allow Vincent to look at him again. ‘I don’t- have a word for it. Would not know how to explain it to you.’

Vincent leaned in, the sparkle in his eyes as bright as ever as he kissed the tip of Vitali’s nose- followed by another kiss on the corner of his mouth and a soft kiss right on his lips.

‘Try me.’

Vitali loved him so much.

From the moment they had met, he had known Vincent was different from any other merc; soft-natured, kind, a little clumsy and awkward at times but it had only been endearing to him. They had grown close so quickly and Vitali had often worried the fact he was Vincent’s fixer would get in the way of their friendship- but of course it hadn’t.

At the end of the day, he really wasn’t all that different from Vincent. A little more rough around the edges, perhaps- a little wearier, a bit more stubborn, with way more mistakes and failures on record than Vincent ever could-

But he was just a man.

‘I feel stupid,’ Vitali finally answered, feeling himself deflate as he spoke and a knot tightened in his throat, causing tears to start to well up in his eyes. ‘Just- I make mistake after mistake, somehow convinced it’ll make a difference for the better and it never fucking does. And people get hurt because of it or people- They get- I just-’

‘Hey, hey-!’ Vincent gently interrupted him, cupping Vitali’s face to force him to look at him. ‘Breathe, Vito. It’s okay.’

Vitali sucked in a shallow breath and managed to grab Vincent’s t-shirt tightly, the air surrounding them suffocating him, the pressure on his chest too heavy to carry. Vincent softly hummed to get his attention again and visibly breathed in and out at a steady pace- Vitali clenched his jaw until it hurt and tried to mimic him, feeling his panic slowly but surely settle down again.

‘Do you want me to get Mikhail for you?’ Vincent asked, still gently holding his head and eyes worriedly scanning his face. A question he regularly asked; out of all people, Mikhail was best at calming Vitali down.

‘No,’ Vitali immediately blurted out, and tugged on Vincent’s t-shirt to pull him a little closer. ‘I want- I need you right now. Please.’

Vincent instantly pulled him in for another hug, his arms tightly wrapping around Vitali’s shoulders, one hand in his hair and the other running in gentle, reassuring circles over his back.

‘I’m here, baby,’ he quietly said- and kept repeating it to him, over and over again- I’m here- I’m always here. Not goin’ anywhere. Promise.

Vitali closed his eyes again, breathing stabilizing the more minutes passed as he listened to Vincent’s heartbeat and his gentle words. He was exhausted now- had allowed his heart to spill out of his mouth while trying to explain how he felt and it had left him with an empty head and a tired body.

He just wanted to go to sleep.

‘I think you’re scared,’ Vincent suddenly quietly said, slightly rocking Vitali back and forth in an attempt to calm him down. ‘Maybe not directly, but- you know. Deep down. It’s scary to not know what’s gonna happen next. Scary to have people relying on you- I get why you’re tryin’ to reach out to others, get help wherever you can. I understand.’

‘I can’t keep doing it.’

Vitali’s voice was small, barely audible anymore, and he repeated himself while lifting his head again.

‘D’you think you’re making a mistake?’ Vincent asked him in return. ‘Seeing your mother?’

For a moment, Vitali merely looked at him; eyes slowly moving over the light freckles covering the bridge of Vincent’s, before they fluttered shut when Vincent’s fingertips gently ran over his cheek.

‘Probably,’ he answered, and dropped his head. ‘I am not sure anymore what exactly I’m doing it for.’

Vincent shrugged. ‘Peace of mind. Might not solve anythin’ directly, but- It’s nice to know. Cards on the table.’

Vitali wanted to understand.

He had no idea where Matvey was. Had no idea how to get closer to him for the time being- Daniil was gone, Roksana was gone, and all he had was an address where he would supposedly find his mother.

Was she part of it? Was she at the top of it all? Or was she just another bystander, another victim of his father’s obsessive revenge trip, not connected to any of it yet caught up right in the middle?

‘C’mere,’ Vincent said, tugging Vitali closer again. ‘Let me kiss you.’

And he kissed him, arms wrapping around his neck and hands burying themselves in his hair. Vitali leaned back against the headboard again and allowed Vincent to take lead, a quiet hum leaving his throat when Vincent’s grip on his hair tightened and his teeth lightly dug into his bottom lip.

For a brief moment, it was just the two of them alone in the world- Vitali holding Vincent’s hips and pulling him closer, breathing irregular once more though for vastly different reasons now- and Vincent’s hands grabbing Vitali’s face and slowly dragging down his chest, until one of them found its way into his t-shirt.

‘Your hand is cold,’ Vitali mumbled into the kiss, a smile spreading on his face as he slightly flinched to try and avoid Vincent touching his side; but of course Vincent only saw that as encouragement and let his fingers slide past Vitali’s skin a second time, causing him to snort and bury his face in Vincent’s neck.

Vincent slowly pulled his hand back and brought it back up to cup Vitali’s face, patiently waiting until he lifted his head again. He kissed him a second time- just briefly, and then barely pulled back as he allowed Vitali to catch his breath.

‘You think she’s got something to do with it?’ he quietly asked after a short silence, his face still right in front of Vitali’s; and his lips brushed past his skin, leaving behind a tingling sensation and a deep longing in Vitali’s chest for more.

‘I don’t know,’ he honestly answered. ‘She might. She might not. Mother has always been a little…vague, about what she wants. What she stands for.’

He allowed Vincent to kiss him again, hands on the back of his neck to pull him closer, nails gently dragging over his skin sending shivers down Vitali’s spine. His head was starting to spin a little bit; overwhelmed by several different sensations at once and he tightly gripped Vincent’s t-shirt again, as if it would help him stay grounded.

‘And you’re right, Vincent,’ he quietly whispered against his boyfriend’s lips, voice slightly breaking as he spoke. ‘I am scared.’

He was so scared.

Scared of- well, everything. He had allowed himself to take a break from thinking about how this would all end, but now that it was all starting again his mind was going right back to it. Who would live?

Who would die?

Vitali clenched his jaw and lowered his gaze, new tears welling up in his eyes and this time he did not have the strength to stop them from rolling down his cheeks anymore, his voice unstable when he spoke again-

‘I’m terrified.’

Oh, how much he loved Vincent.

His lips traveled all over Vitali’s face, covering him in sweet little kisses- knowing it would not fix anything yet he did it anyway, kissing away Vitali’s tears before pulling him into another warm embrace.

‘I know, baby,’ he whispered, and briefly tightened his arms around him when a sob left Vitali’s throat.

‘I know.’

The hallway endlessly stretched out in front of Vitali’s eyes.

He had been standing there for five minutes now. Unmoving, jaw clenched, eyes unfocused as he listened to the noises of life behind him, the Megabuilding still crawling with people even at that hour of the night.

He wore his combat gear- cargo pants, dark henley, chest armor- though he was unsure why he had decided to put that on out of all possibilities. Perhaps he subconsciously expected it to be a trap, or perhaps he wanted to come across as intimidating, and not scared; but he regretted it now, well aware of the way people had looked at him when he had made his way inside.

I’m just here to talk, he had wanted to tell them- I’m just being careful, taking precautions. Justifying himself to complete strangers who had no idea what he was even there for, as if it would clear his conscience, as if it would ease his mind.

A curious reflex. It had been a while since the last time he had felt the need to do such a thing.

Every step closer to the door at the end of the hallway was heavier than the last, every footfall bouncing off the walls and endlessly echoing through his head. Just there to talk- it sounded so simple, so innocent. A son visiting his mother after many years- save for a single encounter not all too long ago- though in that very moment he felt like anything but a son.

And the moment he reached the front door, he froze.

What was he supposed to do- knock? Ring the doorbell? Just walk right in, see what would happen? And what would he even say to her, assuming she would be there?

What could he say?

He tightly balled his fists, brow narrowing when he heard a loud BANG somewhere behind him followed by piercing laughter. His heart skipped a beat and for a brief moment the world seemed to spin around him, and he needed to reach for the wall to regain his balance.

He could walk away, still. He could turn back, leave the past in the past, leave his mother behind and simply assume she had nothing to do with it-

But he had to know. He had to know for sure.

‘What if I’m making a mistake, Vitya?’ Vitali asked, unable to look the other man in the eyes as his grip on the mug in front of him tightened. ‘Perhaps I should just- I should-‘

‘You should do what feels right to you,’ Viktor gently interrupted him, briefly glancing around the diner to see if anyone was listening in. ‘Clearly it’s bothering you- clearly you’re still lookin’ for answers. Would it ease your mind if you let this rest? Would it bring you peace?’

Of course not.

Nadya was far from the final puzzle piece, but Vitali knew she was an important one; the last one that needed to be placed in order for him to make sense out of it all, even if he learned nothing new, even if she was innocent- or, well, as innocent as she could be.

‘I feel like I’m losing it.’ Vitali slowly drank his coffee; it had turned cold by then, but he didn’t mind. ‘I was doing better, and- and then Roksana shows up, and-‘

‘Well, of course.’ Viktor smiled a gentle smile at him, but Vitali could see the barely masked concern dripping from his expression. ‘Forgive me, Vito, but- your family is a damn handful. When’s the last time you saw your sister- a decade ago? Like with your brother- of course it’s not easy to see her again. No surprise to me it’s knocked you right back off your feet.’

It had knocked him off his feet good. Had been on the verge of picking up a bottle, ease his mind, just for one night- but had wisely decided against it, still remembering what had happened last time he had let it come to that and how worried Vincent and Mikhail had been.

Vitali lifted his hand, as in slow motion; yet hesitated again, mid-movement gesture lingering in the suffocatingly hot interior of the Megabuilding, breath held as if it would cause time around him to stop.

‘I don’t know if I can do this.’ He was on the verge of tears again, for some reason; heart racing in his chest, and he was starting to regret his decision to order coffee in the first place.

‘You’ve come face to face with your old man twice now,’ Viktor gently replied. ‘Couldn’t have been easy either, considering- well, the obvious circumstances. I think you’ll do just fine. Won’t be easy, but you’ll make it through. As always.’

Nadya was worse than Matvey.

The way she had treated Vitali all his childhood- the way she had expected everything from him and then some- the way she had refused to accept him for who he was, the way she had refused to take his disabilities seriously, the way she had taken away every opportunity for him to reconnect with his family after he had decided to leave-

Matvey was like any other man with power in Night City. Out for revenge, out for blood, out for more- using the city as his playground and killing those who dared to oppose him- Vitali had seen it countless times before, and despite this time being a bit more personal and despite the initial shock and hurt and sorrow it had given him, he at least knew what to expect now.

But Nadya’s words and deeds cut a lot deeper, tearing Vitali apart from the inside and dragging insecurities and worries he had thought to no longer have back up to the surface. Perhaps she was different now; perhaps she would no longer make Vitali feel like a failure of a daughter, like he was singlehandedly responsible for every single bit of misery in her life-

This was a mistake.

Vitali’s stomach turned and he dropped his hand, a wave of nausea rapidly washing over him and he bit the inside of his cheek hard. For a split second, he was waiting- waiting for the fog to take over again, perhaps, something it had not done in a long while now-

But nothing happened.

He had to get out of there.

‘I can come with you,’ Mikhail quietly said, his gaze restlessly moving over Vitali’s features to avoid having to make eye contact. ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’

‘It will just make things worse, Misha, you know this,’ Vitali had merely interrupted him. ‘She disliked you back then, she will dislike you now. Perhaps even more than before.’

He was not even sure if he was right about that. Hadn’t made it far enough to find out- he turned around and stumbled back through the hallway, a painful sting shooting up through his leg as he moved, momentarily having forgotten about the fact he wore his leg brace and the thing was much heavier than anticipated.

‘You’ll be alright, kid.’ Viktor paused and emptied his own mug, setting it back down on the table between them with the slightest hint of hesitance. ‘Just gettin’ it over with will save you a whole lotta trouble further down the road.’

He wasn’t strong enough for it.

‘Oh, and now you have nothing to say to me.’ Nadya’s voice cut deep into his skin, but Vitali refused to turn around and kept his lips sealed and jaw clenched when she called a name after him- ‘Sure, walk away from me! Do not return until you have learned what respect is!’

‘Vitali?’

He froze.

‘Hey, baby. Look at me.’

Vincent’s fingertips dragged down Vitali’s cheek, and he kept his eyes closed; wanting the moment to last just a little longer, and he turned his head ever so slightly to be able to kiss the palm of Vincent’s hand.

‘You are- so much braver than you think.’ A gentle kiss on his lips, both hands now cupping his cheeks- thumbs gently running in soothing circles over his skin. ‘So much stronger than you think. You’ve made it this far, right? You did that.’

Hearing his mother’s voice again did not feel right.

Something was wrong about it all. Her gentle tone, perhaps. The way she sounded older, like his father had done when he had first spoken to him. Or the fact Vitali was simply not used to hearing his actual name come out of her mouth.

‘You’ll make it through.’

Vitali finally opened his eyes, just in time to see the warm smile spread on Vincent’s face right before he leaned in for another kiss, hands moving to the back of Vitali’s neck to hold him closer, the sweet taste of his peach chapstick spilling into Vitali’s mouth.

He turned around, barely able to lift his head as his eyes refused to look away from the floor beneath his feet. As if he was dreaming- but no, he was wide awake, and his gaze finally found that of his mother.

Dressed in her evening attire, her mostly gray hair pulled in a loose bun to get it out of her face. She was holding the door tightly with both hands; as if she would lose her balance were she to let go, Vitali could see her whitened knuckles all the way from where he stood.

Yes, he had briefly seen her, some weeks ago- but now that he could take his time he noticed she had indeed aged, and a lot more visibly so than her husband. She stood slumped; had once carried herself high with pushed back shoulders and chin tilted forward- yet that was nowhere to be found anymore, and the hardened expression she had worn every single day back when Vitali had still lived at home had been washed away by deep-set lines and wrinkles.

A sharp exhale left his chest and he slowly moved forward, closer toward her as she stepped aside- allowing him access to the small apartment. He could barely look at her as he entered; yet at the same time his eyes were continuously drawn back to her, as if he had a hard time believing he was actually looking at his mother.

He stopped right inside, heart nearly beating out of his chest as he waited for her to close the door behind them. She visibly hesitated; but then still stepped forward and reached out to his face with shaking hands and despite the little voice in his head yelling at him to step back he stood frozen to the ground and allowed her to cup his face.

Her hands were freezing cold.

‘Look at you.’

A small smile spread on Nadya’s face, the corners of her mouth slightly twitching as she ran her thumb over Vitali’s cheek. Curious- she spoke English to him, as expected, but no longer made any effort to try and mask her native accent. She sounded like a completely different woman to him.

‘All grown up.’

Twelve years.

Twelve years had passed since he had last spoken to her. And oh, had he grown up; numbed by his college years, hardened by his time at Arasaka, strengthened by his years as a mercenary and a fixer-

Though at that very moment, none of it mattered.

If anything, he felt like his eighteen year old self again.

Nadya pulled back her hands and quickly turned away, walking further into the apartment; a poorly lit living room with the kitchen directly next to the entrance, and a single door which led to a small bedroom with an adjacent bathroom.

Vitali stood unmoving and merely watched her pour a cup of coffee for herself. No steam appeared from her mug; it was already cold, and he wondered if she had been waiting for something; perhaps for him to show.

‘I assume you are aware of the circumstances we’ve found ourselves in,’ he finally spoke, his voice a little weaker than he had hoped for. Nadya slowly turned around again, leaning back against the kitchen counter and holding the mug in both hands.

‘I am,’ she said. ‘That’s what you are here for, no?’

Vitali could not help but notice her tight grip on the mug, and the way her shoulders tensed up the second their gazes met again. She was scared- and he wondered yet again why he had decided to don his combat gear.

Just here to talk.

Really, now?

‘How have you been?’ Nadya asked, the sudden cheeriness to her voice cutting through the harsh silence as she set the mug down on the counter with a lot more force than necessary, before walking back to Vitali and reaching up to fix the undone button of his shirt for him. ‘It’s good to see you.’

He had no idea how to answer her. Instead stood in silence once more, watching her look up at him; watching her eyes slowly scan his features, and then land on his hair, and linger there for much longer than his liking-

‘About father…’ Vitali managed to say, trying to get the conversation back on track- yet the second he mentioned Matvey, a dark shadow washed over his mother’s face and she pulled back her hands as if she had touched fire, startling Vitali and causing him to wince.

‘I don’t have anything to say about that man,’ she coldly replied and crossed her arms in front of her chest. ‘He is not here. If you’re looking for him- good luck. You won’t find him until he wants you to find him.’

None of that was new information to him- yet the way Nadya said it surprised Vitali.

‘Did you two fight?’ he quietly asked, a frown taking shape on his face as he watched his mother absently fiddle with her sweater.

‘Why do you care?’ she defensively fired back, and for a split second she sounded like her old self again and Vitali averted his gaze, already regretting asking about it.

Another silence washed over the apartment. Vitali tried to focus on the distant noises of the Megabuilding- though they were too quiet to direct his full attention to and even his hearing aid couldn’t help him with that this time. All he was left with was the sound of his own irregular heartbeat, and the rapid tapping of Nadya’s foot on the cold, concrete floor.

‘Look,’ she quietly said- as if she had noticed her own shift in tone, she spoke quietly again now- ‘whatever it is that is happening right now- I am not part of it. I don’t care about his problems with you. I don’t care about any of it and I don’t want to be involved.’

She wanted him to leave.

Of course she did; and Vitali truly could not blame her, especially considering the circumstances. He almost felt sorry for her. Almost felt bad for showing up at all, bothering her with things she did not want to hear about, daring to bring up her own husband to her.

Though her words awakened something deep inside of him.

He had felt it before. Many, many times. An untamable anger, one only his family could make him feel- the same anger that had put him in the passenger seat of his own body on several occasions now.

It’s funny. If anything, that should have been the first hint that one of his own family members was the Broker.

‘I need your help,’ Vitali quietly said, clenching his fist as he exhaled sharply, a desperate attempt to keep himself under control-

‘And I don’t want to help you. Simple.’

‘Let’s go to sleep, okay?’

Vincent’s voice was a mere whisper in his ear, lips brushing past his skin and teeth softly tugging on one of his earrings. Vitali finally moved- reached up to cup his boyfriend’s face and he leaned in to steal another sweet kiss, eyes closed as he spoke-

‘I don’t want to yet. Just a little longer.’

Something snapped inside of him.

Twelve years; but a situation oh so familiar. Vitali couldn’t move- stood frozen to the ground as he watched his mother tilt her head up, a sudden familiar coldness to her gaze as her eyes narrowed at him.

‘Simple?’ he sharply repeated, the word almost echoing between the empty, white-painted walls surrounding them.

Shut up. Stop talking.

He stepped forward, a shaky exhale leaving his lips as he relaxed his fist and slightly tilted his head to the side. ‘That is all you have to say?’

Don’t say it. Just stop talking.

But oh, Vitali was seething now.

‘When I was young,’ he calmly said, ‘I was also not part of your problems with dad. And yet you made me part of it every single fucking time without even asking.’

The third parent in the household. A replacement for Matvey, almost; yet treated with about the same nonexistent amount of respect every single time despite doing everything that was asked of him.

‘The man you married and had three fucking kids with is actively trying to ruin my life, because of a decision made by a damned corporation,’ Vitali spat. ‘And you “simply” don’t want to help me with that?’

‘Why should I?’ Nadya instantly fired back with a raised voice and she stepped forward too, dropping her arms to her side. ‘You left us, Vitali. Walked away from home and never looked back!’

‘That is not true and you know it! I reached out every day- you just ignored me!’

He did. Right?

Vitali was trembling.

Nadya could make him doubt himself like no one else could. He vividly remembered it- vividly remembered calling home every single fucking day after classes, for months- until he had realized it was of no use and they never wanted to speak to him or see him ever again.

‘Do you have any idea how hard it was for me?’ Nadya asked. She had softened her voice again, but the quiver of her lower lip gave her away. ‘I lost you! I lost you and I- I had to explain that to people.’

Oh.

So that’s what this is all about.

‘What?’ Vitali quietly asked, brow narrowing as he felt his heart drop. ‘You- You didn’t lose me. I was still there! I’ve always been there. I didn’t- I didn’t-’

‘You’re what?’

‘Transgender.’ Vitali tightened his grip on his phone behind his back, the only thing keeping him from passing out. ‘I’m a man. Have always felt like one. I just- never had a word for it before.’

Nadya took another step closer. Vitali finally noticed how pale she was- a gauntness to her face he was not used to, as if she hadn’t slept in a week, or longer. She reached for him again. And he allowed it, for some reason; allowed her to brush a strand of his hair out of his face, and allowed her to run her fingers through it as far as their height difference allowed her to.

‘Why did you cut your hair?’

A choked huff left Vitali’s chest. Lips curling up into a smile as a single tear he hadn’t even been aware of rolled down his cheek, and he turned his head away to get Nadya’s hand out of his hair.

‘Why the fuck do you care?’

He wanted to throw up.

The storm inside his chest was back. Slamming itself into his ribcage, trying to force itself out- breaking his bones, crushing his windpipe allowing no oxygen to enter his lungs. And he could feel the fog rolling in, inside his head; how desperately he wanted to let it take over and he closed his eyes, allowing it in-

And nothing happened. Too much time had passed; the effects of Arasaka’s brainwashing had worn off.

Vitali should have been happy with that.

Yet all he was left with was a deep, stinging sorrow.

He wasn’t sure why he was surprised about any of this. Could have easily seen it coming- he had known ever since he’d come out how complicated his mother’s feelings were about it all and of course even after so many years of not seeing each other it was still a problem to her.

‘What will you do?’ Vitali coldly asked. He wanted to get out of there- wanted to wrap it up and go home, go back to Vincent, not have to think about any of his problems anymore even if it was just for one night.

‘I’m staying here until it’s all over,’ Nadya answered, and defensively crossed her arms in front of her chest once more. ‘And then everything will go back to how it used to be.’

How it used to be.

Vitali honestly did not even know what that meant.

He had wondered, on occasion- what daily life had been like for his family after he had left home. And he wondered again now; what was there to go back to for them? Especially after everything Matvey had done- Everything he was still doing? Would it ever even end?

How would it end?

Nadya wanted nothing to do with it. If Vitali had to believe her, she simply stood on the sidelines; hiding away in a small apartment until the storm would pass over, until she could go home again. Yet it once again just raised a single question for him-

‘Why don’t you just leave?’

It had left his lips before he could stop himself.

Truly no filter sometimes; but it was well too late for that now.

Nadya scoffed, shooting him a glare; but Vitali could see the shimmer of tears in the corners of her eyes in the brief second her gaze lingered on him. ‘Do you truly think I have never considered that before?’

He shrugged. ‘What’s stopping you?’

She did not answer him.

The Dobrynin family had plenty of money to their name; Vitali did not doubt it for a second, even after all the years that had passed, judging solely by the large mansion he had visited earlier that year. Of course he did not know if Arasaka had taken anything from them or not- but the family fortune from previous generations ran deep in their veins and he refused to believe it was all lost.

It would be easy for Nadya to leave. Vitali did not understand how it would be harder for her than it had been for him; at least she could take some of the money. At least it wouldn’t bother her if none of them ever spoke to her again.

‘Where is Roksana, Vitali?’ Nadya asked. Her voice was suddenly unstable; she had finally cracked and she shook her head, eyes closing as a sob left her throat. ‘Where is she-? What did you do to her?’

‘I did nothing,’ Vitali spat back, his mother’s sudden shift in demeanor only making him angrier than he had already been. ‘She’s safe. Hopefully lying low until all of this is over.’

‘Where is she?’

‘I don’t know- with friends? Hotel? Did she not text you?’

‘Where’s my little girl-’

‘She’s not your little girl! She is a grown woman. Are you- Are you even hearing yourself?’

‘Did you convince her to walk away? Like you did? Like Daniil did?’

‘What-’

‘I lost all my children! I have no one left anymore!’

‘Mother-’

‘How dare you call me that?!’

Nadya’s voice pierced through the room, shattering Vitali’s eardrums as his breath got caught in his throat and he choked back a sob. He had walked closer again- had not even noticed it and quickly stepped back, his back finding the front door and his head colliding with the cold metal a lot harder than he had meant for.

‘This is all your fault,’ Nadya sneered, following him and pointing a finger right at his chest. ‘You tore this entire family apart!’

‘What did I do?’ Vitali yelled back, desperately throwing up his hands in response and pushing himself away from the door again, exhaustion spilling into every single move he made.

‘You were never there! Always with that- friend of yours, and- of course your siblings follow your lead! You hated us and you made your siblings hate us too!’

‘You didn’t love me! I didn’t want to be home anymore, you-’

‘I gave you everything I had! I took care of you!’

‘You decided to be a fucking parent, not me! I didn’t ask to be born-’

‘I should have never had you!’

‘It’s a little too fucking late for that now!’

The silence after the storm always hurt the most.

That deafening silence, gnawing its way into his body, chewing on his bones. The entire world around him seemingly holding its breath and the dust slowly settling down. All he had seen for that entire minute that had passed, was red- and as it slowly faded, all there was left was just Vitali and Nadya, standing right in front of each other in a cold and dark room way too small to hold the both of them at once.

‘How dare you claim you took care of me when you didn’t let me have anything to eat anything all day until dinner whenever I would misbehave in your eyes?’ Vitali slowly said, his voice barely stable anymore as he moved his head along with his mother’s futile attempts to look away from him.

‘You fucking treated me like shit. Treated me like the third parent in the household- made me do so much work as if it was my job, as if I didn’t have classes to attend, homework to worry about. And to top it all off I never did any of it right in your eyes.’

‘Perhaps I was a bit hard on you from time to time, but-’

‘Do you know what I remember from my time at home?’

Another silence.

Nadya looked about as exhausted as Vitali felt. He could stay quiet, now- point made, lesson learned, he could walk away and it wouldn’t change a thing because none of what he would say to her would make a fucking difference anyway.

But he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

Still, after all those years.

Or perhaps because of it.

Perhaps because he finally had the strength to say what he had always wanted to say to her. Perhaps because it finally did not matter anymore- he no longer risked getting kicked out of the house, and it did not matter what his mother would think because he was not planning on ever seeing her again anyway and if she truly regretted the things she had done to him she wouldn’t have yelled at him about it now in the first place.

‘Anger,’ Vitali bluntly said. ‘Fighting. Yelling. Always fucking yelling at us. You yelling no one ever helped you. That you had to do everything yourself. Yelling that you wished you had normal children. And now you are blaming me for driving your children away from home? Truly?’

‘Vitali-’

‘Do not say that name.’ Vitali clenched his jaw when Nadya, visibly startled by the sharpness of his words, took a defensive step back.

‘You don’t deserve to call me that.’

‘Your mother will come around,’ Matvey said, hesitantly placing his hand on Vitali’s back. ‘Just…give her some time.’

‘You heard her,’ Vitali blurted out through sobs, angrily rubbing his eyes as if it would stop his tears from flowing. ‘I’m not normal to her. Wish I had never fucking told you anything.’

He pulled up his legs, ignoring his father’s sigh as he buried his face into his knees and gripped his hair with shaking hands, only barely able to hold in the urge to rip it out of his head in frustration.

‘She did not mean that, мое солнышко,’ Matvey quietly said, but Vitali could hear the hesitance in his voice. ‘Now- What would you like us to call you from now on?’

‘I was grieving,’ Nadya coldly said. With her back turned toward the only light source in the apartment, the shadows cast on her face caused her piercing eyes to appear almost dead to Vitali, the way they bore two burning holes straight into his skull. ‘I needed more time.’

‘More time for what?’ he sneered back. ‘Pretend that I died?’

She had refused to speak to him for an entire month.

‘Your “grief” had nothing to do with me,’ Vitali continued, every word leaving his mouth like a bullet to his mother’s chest. ‘It was all about you. You lost your perfect little girl. People had to feel sorry for you. I had to be patient with you. You didn’t care what all of it did to me. How all of it made me feel. You just cared about yourself and about this- this perfect fake image you had of me in your head.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘Why? Because I’m right? Because you don’t want to hear that you were in the wrong?’ Vitali scoffed, and spat on the ground. ‘Not fucking surprising. You’ve never taken criticism well.’

It was quiet, now.

All the previous background noise had faded away, leaving nothing but painful static and ringing- as if Vitali had been caught up in an explosion.

Dust settling around him.

Just the two of them, in that same, small room.

‘Did you really come all this way just to tell me I’m a horrible mother?’ Nadya asked, her voice ridden from all emotion, silent tears rolling down her hollow cheeks.

Vitali slightly tilted his head and opened his mouth- but he stopped himself. Mind running back, replaying their conversation in his head- once, twice- looking for where it went wrong, looking for the very moment it had derailed into a fight, looking for the right words to say-

He couldn’t say for sure.

One moment they hadn’t been fighting, and the next, they had.

‘Suppose I did,’ he flatly answered. ‘But what does it matter- I’m a horrible daughter, aren’t I?’

He briefly paused, sucking in a shaky breath as he averted his gaze to the floor, watching a single tear fall down and land on his shoe- and he looked back up at his mother, allowing a wry smile to spread on his face.

‘I guess we deserve each other.’

And with that, he turned around, opening the front door and walking out without as much as looking back. He heard Nadya sob, yet it did him nothing- no grief, no regret, no guilt.

Nothing to do with any of it.

Not secretly pulling the strings from behind the curtain. Just a bystander, watching from the sidelines while Matvey desperately tried to get a grasp on his reputation again- nothing more than an act of childish revenge, an attempt at trying to be in control of a situation caused first and foremost by Arasaka and single-handedly made worse by no one other than he himself.

Just as Vitali had already expected.

But he’d had to know for sure.

Though now, he was unsure if it had been worth it.

‘Vitali.’

Matvey repeated the name after him slowly, as if deep in thought.

‘Is it not good?’ Vitali quietly asked, instantly feeling new tears well up in his eyes and bracing himself, getting ready for his heart to shatter a second time that day.

‘Of course it is good.’ Matvey paused and gave him a playful push against his shoulder, causing the corners of Vitali’s mouth to curl up into a smile. ‘It suits you.’

Vitali tripped over his own feet and fell forward, the world spinning around him as he only just managed to catch himself on the railing of the stairs. Someone hurried over to him and reached out to help, but he politely thanked them and waved them away as he dragged himself back up.

‘What does it mean?’ Daniil asked, reaching out to grab the cord of Vitali’s hoodie and pull on it as hard as he could.

‘Dunno, didn’t look,’ Vitali answered, swatting his brother’s hand away. ‘I just…liked the sound of it.’

He was nauseous. On the verge of throwing up- but he kept his composure, stumbling toward the elevator and ramming his fist on the call button, a stinging pain shooting up through his wrist and arm to his shoulder on impact.

‘Vitali,’ Roksana slowly mumbled, stretching out every syllable for longer than necessary. ‘Is that your new name?’

‘It is, yes,’ Vitali answered, and nervously smiled at her. ‘Do you like it?’

Roksana nodded enthusiastically, managing to accidentally shake her hair loose in the process and Vitali reached out to pull it back up in a bun for her.

‘Can I change my name too when I am older?’ she asked, tilting her head as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

‘Of course,’ he answered. ‘When you’re older you can do anything you want. Even cut your hair short, if you feel like it.’

He was crying again.

Sobbing, sitting in the corner of the elevator as it slowly descended. It was empty apart from him; and he was grateful, though he knew if there had been anyone else there he would have still done the same.

He had learned nothing new. And he had known this, beforehand; yet something had caused him to go there anyway, despite his doubts, despite his worries, despite knowing how much it was going to hurt.

‘I am not calling you that.’ Nadya did not even look up from the sink and she tossed another plate into the water. ‘We gave you a perfectly fine name. You should be grateful for it.’

‘I didn’t go anywhere,’ Vitali sobbed, to nobody in particular.

‘I was still there- It was still me.’

Twelve years, yet they had fought like they had not even been apart for a single minute. Every word they had said to each other had been a word too much- each sentence like a cut, a stab to the chest, splitting open skin and flesh and years of misery and exposing muscle and bone and memories of a past drowned in the depths of Vitali’s mind.

He could have known.

Could have known it would all amount to nothing, could have known it would only hurt him more than any of his other family members ever could. And he opened his mouth to scream- yet no sound left his throat, and the silence surrounding him swallowed him once more.

Vitali was still sitting.

The elevator had arrived at ground level ten minutes ago.

Loud music blasted through the small apartment in the Glen, closing in on midnight. Normally, the neighbors would have complained; but with the party going on several floors down with the music turned up twice as high, Vitali’s old Samurai record was more merely distant ambient noise than anything else.

Despite the music playing, most lights in the apartment were off. Not as if there was a lot to it- a single room holding the living room, kitchen and a mattress on the floor as bed alike, and a small bathroom in the corner; and the only sources of light were a string of LED lights around the bathroom mirror and the screen of Vitali’s phone.

It was December.

His birthday was closing in; a day he dreaded, haunted by memories of Mikhail and the fact he was no longer in his life. For a brief moment he had hoped to not have to spend the day all by himself- but his newest relationship had lasted not longer than a month and after an argument during their breakup had nearly turned physical Vitali had wisely decided to cut the guy out of his life entirely.

And Nick wasn’t around anymore either.

It had hit him a lot harder than he had expected. Had found out at the start of his final year in college that Nick would be away for an internship for the first semester, and he had not even bothered letting Vitali know. Of course he had been angry- so angry he had blocked the man he had once called his friend- and at some point even more- out of his life and he had not looked back since.

He had looked back, in the past. Many, many times. A dozen second chances too much and now Nick was truly gone and Vitali was all alone once again.

He sat on the bathroom floor, back against the wall and his phone next to him, two fresh cracks in the screen that hadn’t been there before. The music blaring in the adjacent room had become background noise to him an hour ago already; he had left his hearing aid on his desk and the door to the bathroom was only slightly ajar, blocking out most of the noise.

Vitali had expected many things to happen that year, especially following the sudden surgery he had needed on his leg after he had fallen down a set of stairs. Had expected things to get worse for him, one way or another; get fired from yet another job to the point he wouldn’t be able to pay for his stacking medical bills anymore, or perhaps get sent out of school for missing too many classes-

But he had never expected to ever receive a text from his baby sister, asking him when he would come home.

He missed Roksana.

He missed her a lot more than he cared to admit, and Daniil too, much to his own surprise. Missed their presence in the house, hearing their giggling from Daniil’s room, or their banter from the living room, seeing their glasses and dirty dishes stacked up on the kitchen counter when doing the dishes at night-

He was drunk.

Very much so. It had been a while since he had let himself go like he had that night, but he’d still had the bottles of cheap liquor anyway and they sure as hell weren’t going to empty themselves.

And he regretted it now, a little bit. It hadn’t numbed the pain for him at all, it hadn’t caused him to stop thinking about the quiet evenings he used to have with his family, whenever his mother wouldn’t be home. It hadn’t made him feel any better and it hadn’t even helped him fall asleep.

Vitali slowly dragged himself up from the floor, hair tangled together in front of his eyes and he accidentally ripped out a knot when he tried to brush it aside. He tightly gripped the sink with both hands, dragging his nails over the outside of it in an attempt to stay calm as the pain slowly faded, and his hazy eyes found his reflection in the mirror.

He looked like a wreck.

More corpse than human at that point, skin much paler than it used to be and freezing cold to the touch. Permanently bloodshot eyes, lips chapped to the point they bled every single day-

The dark roots of his hair were showing. He needed to buy more bleach again soon.

A quiet sob left his throat and he closed his eyes, bumping his head into the mirror in front of him and leaning heavily on his elbows on the sink. His stomach was doing somersaults in his body- he had barely eaten anything that day, causing the alcohol in his system to do more damage than usual and he was starting to become light-headed.

Mistake, after mistake, after mistake- It never ended for him. Each time he had thought to be on rock bottom something else would happen and he would figure out a way to dig himself deeper into that hole, not knowing if he would ever manage to crawl his way back out again.

But it did not matter anymore. Soon enough he would be done with college and he would join Arasaka, and then even those who had managed to stick with him through all his previous fuck-ups would inevitably leave his side as well and he would be all by himself for the rest of his days.

How Roksana had even managed to text him, was a mystery to Vitali. As far as he was concerned his family wanted nothing to do with him anymore; they had ignored his every attempt at reconnecting to the point he had simply given up.

But now he did not know what to do anymore.

Should he text back? Ignore her?

Vitali sucked in a deep breath and lifted his head again, swaying lightly from side to side as he lifted both hands and tried once more to fix his hair. Yet the more he tried to brush his fingers through it, the more it seemed to tangle up in itself- until fresh tears blurred his view to the point he couldn’t even see himself anymore.

Why the fuck do I even bother?

He slammed his hand down on the sink and blindly managed to find the scissors he had taken with him from the living room. Did not even think twice as he grabbed a strand of his nearly hip-length hair and-

Snip.

One strand.

And another.

Vitali kept cutting and cutting and cutting, tears dripping down onto his tank top and into the sink. He accidentally scraped one of the scissor blades past his finger- and his tears rapidly mixed with a few drops of deep red blood.

He loved his hair.

He had always done so- but his mother too.

She had been obsessed with it, and when he had decided to bleach it she had been livid. But for some reason she had still allowed him to do it as many times as he wanted, as if she believed it would at least stop him from cutting it short, even after he had come out as transgender.

And it had worked, somehow. He had never even dared to think about picking up a pair of scissors.

Vitali let a single scream leave his lips as he threw the scissors down into the sink, gripping the edge tightly again as he nearly lost his balance. He was out of breath; shaky, shallow inhales providing him with just enough oxygen to not pass out, and he slowly looked back up at his reflection.

And in that split second of realization, he regretted it.

All of it.

A sudden clarity washed over him and his sobs faltered, deafening silence washing over the bathroom as he carefully brushed his now neck-length hair out of his face. It was uneven; some strands barely even reached his chin.

He looked different, now.

Could barely recognize himself.

A quiet, shaky sob spilled from his lips and he instinctively reached for his mouth, covering it with his hand to silence himself, smearing blood on his cheek. He shook his head- as if it would undo all of it, as if it would turn back time for him- surely this was just a bad dream. Surely he did not just- Surely he didn’t-

Vitali cried.

Quietly now.

Weakly leaning on the sink, hand still over his mouth to muffle his own sobs, shoulders pulled up tightly- he was cold.

It was freezing in the apartment.

He cried, slowly sinking through his knees until he was on the floor once again, legs pulled up to his chest as he shivered so hard he could hear something crack in his neck. He reached up, shaky hand grabbing his hair- fingers burying themselves into what little was left of it.

Yet another mistake he could not undo. Another mistake that no amount of alcohol, no amount of drugs, no amount of sex and no amount of cigarettes could ever set right- and the only one he could blame for it was himself.

It had always just been himself.

Minutes went by. Hours went by. The record in the living room stopped playing, at some point; the cops showed up to the party downstairs, and the world became quiet. Went to sleep, left Vitali alone with his regret- several empty bottles, a broken phone screen and a bathroom floor covered in hair and stained with tears.

His screen lit up again.

Vitali was no longer crying. Had tired himself out; no more tears left to cry and his throat felt thick and his eyes felt heavy.

He reached for his phone and scooped it up from the ground, unlocking it and quickly clicking away from the still opened text message from Roksana. Swiped down, to see the notification-

Jackie.

Asking him if he wanted to stop by in the morning.

Vitali shakily exhaled and slowly sat up, his entire body sore and protesting with every single move. He hadn’t seen Jackie in a while, now; had stayed away for- several reasons, reasons he did not want to bring up to his friend.

He didn’t need to know. Nobody needed to know.

But he needed to talk to someone.

And he needed a haircut, now. Couldn’t go out looking like how he did.

His thumb hovered above the call button for a while, eyes briefly glossing over again as he stared at the picture of Jackie. It was a horrible selfie, taken when Vitali had reconnected with him after so many years and had finally put his number into his phone. He hadn’t had the heart yet to change it to something else.

He was hesitating.

Not sure why- Jackie was clearly still awake, and clearly wanted to see him.

Vitali briefly looked up, glancing at the state of his bathroom. Feeling ashamed now, to nobody in particular. It was not as if he got any visitors anymore, anyway. He would clean it up in the morning.

Mistake, after mistake, after mistake.

It was exhausting, but for some reason Vitali seemingly couldn’t stop making them. Nobody but himself to blame and he knew he could deal with the situation alone, like he had always done, one way or another.

But he pressed the call button anyway.

‘Come in, mi niño. Sit.’

Vitali was unsure how he had found his way to el Coyote Cojo.

It was surprisingly cool inside, a stark contrast with the suffocatingly hot summer air on the street behind him, even at that hour of the night. The lights were dimmed, leaving most of the bar in a warm, orange glow, and the music was significantly quieter than Vitali was used to during his visits in broad daylight.

He slowly followed Mama Welles up the steps on the left side of the bar, carefully navigating around some drunk clientele- it was far past midnight but the place was still bustling with life, and while usually it would have bothered him it was a welcoming sight this time, the comfortable and familiar atmosphere of the bar finally allowing his heartbeat to settle down.

‘You look like a ghost,’ Mama Welles said, turning back to him and reaching out; the sudden movement startled him a little, but he allowed her to cup his face with her hands and tuck a loose strand of hair behind his ear. ‘You went to see her then, hm?’

‘How do you know?’ Vitali asked, brow narrowing as he watched Mama Welles sit down on one of the stools at the table in the corner of the bar.

‘Viktor called,’ she simply answered. ‘He is worried about you, you know.’

It didn’t surprise Vitali all that much. He knew Guadalupe and Viktor talked, occasionally- especially after Jackie had passed, the two of them had found comfort in a conversation every now and then, during Viktor’s sparing visits to the bar or over the phone during either of their breaks from work.

It was strange to Vitali. He knew both of them through Jackie, but said friend wasn’t even there anymore.

‘Beer?’

Mama Welles’ gentle voice dragged him out of his thoughts and Vitali quickly shook his head, not allowing himself to reconsider the question. He let a deep exhale leave his body, and the noises of the bar around him instantly grounded him again.

He was glad he had found his way there instead of yet another mistake.

‘So,’ Mama Welles said, setting both beer bottles she’d grabbed back in the crate beside the table and resting her arms on the tabletop between them. ‘What did you find out?’

‘I- Not much.’ A quiet sigh left Vitali’s lips and he lowered his gaze, a tight knot in his throat making it hard for him to speak. ‘A lot of things I already knew. A lot of things I- I did not need to hear.’

Although some of the details had by then managed to slip his mind, he knew that within a couple of hours it would all come back to him. It had always gone exactly like that; he would have a few hours to wonder what he had done or said wrong for the conversation to turn into a fight, only to then find out that there was not much he could have done differently to prevent it from happening in the first place other than keeping his mouth shut.

But he couldn’t stay silent all the time. He was allowed to speak his mind.

He was allowed to express himself, without the risk of the conversation tumbling head first into an all-consuming forest fire.

‘I don’t understand what she’s still doing here,’ Vitali quietly continued, briefly glancing into the rest of the bar- almost as if he feared she would be there in the crowd, listening in on them. ‘Plenty of opportunities to leave. She claims she has nothing to do with it, so- I don’t know what’s causing her to stay.’

Mama Welles sighed softly and lowered her gaze to the table. ‘It could be something as simple as love, mijo.’

‘I don’t think it is.’

Vitali scoffed and balled his fist, shaking his head. ‘I don’t think they’ve ever been in love.’

He could not remember the last time he had seen his parents kiss.

He knew they used to, at some point; vividly remembered giggling with Daniil about it, right before either their mother or father would playfully toss a pillow in their direction to shut them up.

Was it before Roksana had been born?

‘Oh, but they were.’ Mama Welles chuckled and shook her head, the smile instantly fading from her face again the second she took a moment to think. ‘They loved each other so, Vito- both of them willing to go against their parents just so they could be together.’

Vitali frowned. He hadn’t really known his grandparents, on either side of the family; and probably for the better, too, considering how neither of his parents had ever brought them up. All he knew was they had left them a fortune; and some of them had worked for Arasaka too, in locations outside of Night City.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked, finally feeling a little bit more like himself now that some time had passed and the pleasant interior of the bar had managed to drag him back to reality. Mama Welles looked at him and smiled again; though she looked weary now, the memories of her childhood best friend clearly not easy for her to think about.

‘Nadya’s parents were…traditional, to say the least,’ she said. ‘She was already on thin ice for being friends with me, let alone fall for a troublemaker as rowdy and bold as your father. And Matvey’s parents-’ Mama Welles paused to scoff and she threw a vague gesture while muttering something in Spanish that made Vitali respectfully avert his gaze- ‘I shall not speak about them.’

Vitali had never heard stories of his parents’ past. Had been curious about it before but had never been brave enough to ask about it, unsure if he was even allowed to talk about things like that.

But hearing his father described as a troublemaker only raised more questions to him than it answered them and he dug his nails into the palm of his hand until the pain became louder than the voice in his head yelling at him to ask for further elaboration.

‘She could not shut up about him.’

Mama Welles’ gaze was fixed on something behind Vitali, a sad look in her eyes he could not quite place. ‘And then when they finally found each other in the middle, they refused to let each other go- but for that they both had to become something that they were not. To fit in. To meet expectations.’

To meet expectations.

Something about it made Vitali’s stomach turn and he bit the inside of his cheek as he turned his head away, heartbeat spiking unexpectedly. As if someone up above had noticed his struggles- Pepe suddenly appeared next to them and placed two glasses of water on their table, and he playfully ruffled Vitali’s hair before making his way back to the bar.

‘It was- just an act, yes?’ Vitali quietly asked, grabbing his glass and taking a quick sip between sentences. ‘What went wrong?’

‘The constant pretending became…too much for your mother to handle. She changed. And for the worse.’ Mama Welles paused again and reached for her own glass, fiddling with it a little as she took a deep breath before speaking up again.

‘Your father handled it much better, but- even he could not stay unwavering when your mother started showing change. Loved her so he could not walk away so he was forced to adjust as necessary.’

It made sense to Vitali. It fit with what he knew- Matvey constantly swallowing his pride and taking whatever unfair bullshit Nadya would toss his way with minimal to no complaining, and even though Vitali had back then never understood why his father allowed any of that to happen, he understood it now.

Matvey had loved Nadya.

But had Nadya loved Matvey, still?

‘Family is…a complicated thing, Vito.’

Mama Welles shifted on her stool and reached out; Vitali allowed her to gently place her hand over his, and she gave it a soft squeeze. ‘Complicated, but- it is all about respect. Jaquito could give me an attitude, but at the end of the day he always looked out for me. He always came home to his mother.’

She smiled wearily and Vitali clenched his jaw, turning his hand and taking hers into both his own tightly. ‘And there were days where I could grab him by the shoulders to try to shake some sense into him every time he would do something stupid again, but… At the end of it all, he was-’

Mama Welles paused again, sucking in a shaky breath before continuing.

‘He is- still my son. And that will never, ever change.’

Vitali missed Jackie.

He still thought about him every single day. More than a year had passed now; but it still felt like yesterday to him, for some reason.

Perhaps because he had never gotten a moment to properly mourn the loss of his childhood best friend. He had immediately needed to shift his attention to Vincent; finding him, trying to nurse him back to health, trying to find a way to get rid of the Relic and then leaving town to try and stop his imminent death only to die himself and wake up from it in Arasaka’s control-

And now, all of this.

But he missed him so.

And he knew Mama Welles did, too. More than anyone else.

‘I don’t know what to do about this anymore,’ Vitali quietly spoke, slowly pulling back his hands as exhaustion washed over him. ‘What to think about this. She’s not- She’s not behind Matvey’s actions, but she still has stakes here. I doubt she’s only sticking around because she loves him because I don’t think there has been any love there in a long, long time.’

Mama Welles nodded understandingly and cupped Vitali’s face with her hand, running her thumb over his skin as if trying to rub something away.

‘I can tell you what to do,’ she said. ‘Viktor can tell you what to do. Mikhail or V or- or Cato, I think her name was, or- anyone else can tell you what to do, but- ultimately this is your decision. You have to ask yourself, what do you want?’

Vitali lost track of that a long time ago.

‘All I ever wanted was to have a family,’ he bluntly answered. ‘And now that they’re back, I’m just- I’m losing them all over again.’

Matvey. Daniil. Roksana. Nadya.

One by one showing their face, one by one leaving him to his own devices in their own ways. In hindsight it had been childishly naive of him to expect anything else from them; yet something had caused him to- to still have-

‘Do you still have hope?’

Vitali blinked, slowly looking back up at Mama Welles. He had no more tears to cry, though the overwhelming sadness pressing down onto his chest still forced a strangled sob to leave his throat and he closed his eyes when she soothingly brushed his hair out of his face.

‘What would I be without it?’

Vitali had always had hope.

Somehow, despite it all- no matter what had happened, no matter how far he had managed to dig himself into that hole- he had always had hope, deep down inside of himself.

Something was different.

Something had changed, in the hostility between himself and his father- he had felt it, and it had to mean something.

Perhaps Vitali did not need the help of his siblings, or the help of his mother. Perhaps this time- just this once- he would be enough. Perhaps he could still- Perhaps there was still a chance that-

‘Then you fight for it,’ Mama Welles said, and she leaned forward to give Vitali a kiss on his forehead. ‘Like you have always done, mijo.’

Somehow, Vitali had never given up.

He had not given up when his mother had not accepted him. He had not given up when he had left home, when he had not been able to reconnect with his family anymore. He had not given up when he had run out of money, and had not given up when school had found out about his alternative ways of making ends meet. He had not given up after his sudden surgery, had not given up after his countless of injuries at Arasaka- had not given up after getting fired and had sure as hell not given up looking for Vincent’s body on that damned landfill for fourteen hours straight-

Mama Welles gently ran her hand through Vitali’s hair, softly humming as she fixed some strands that had fallen down his forehead for him.

‘It is getting long, no?’ she said, smiling softly at him as she gently tapped his cheek.

‘Stop by when you find the time next week. I’ll cut it for you.’

#nuclearwriting #rbs much appreciated :) <3 #shaking and crying and sobbing and wailing and throwing up and smashing my head through a window right now hiiii #writing about nadya was the hardest thing i've ever had to do but also at the same time. handshake emoji with vitali #not with everything but the foundation is there. if you know what i mean #so many thoughts about this chapter. so many of them. the parallels between vitali and nadya's fights in part 1 and 3 #vitali's breakdown and the realization kicking in is so. aughrhgdrh. it makes me so sad #and him finding his way to mama welles in the last part... the transition from part 4 to part 5...#the very heavy contrast between the atmosphere of part 3 and part 5 makes me so facking insane i cannot put it into words #anyway. let me know what you guys think i'm VERY curious >:^)#ch:the broker

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