#so. the nicknames would never explicitly tie into that BUT i think it's a fun nod towards it

[poptartmochi]

ohhgh. comrades. 👁️👁️. 🕴️. remember when I was debating over whether i was going to change benedetto's name to isaac and I was like, "🤪 lol maybe I'll change gioier's name too 🤪"

im on the precipice of doing it!!!!! help!!;! 🆘🆘

[anightflower]

Come and Find Me

Chapter Two: Paint It Black

Hello Loves! Just to let everyone know, my chapters go from flashbacks to present day! Thank you all for sticking with me and I am sorry this chapter is posted a bit late! 

Spencer Reid x Reader 

Warnings: Mentions of Gore, violence, swearing

Read Chapter One Here 

He had spent several hours outside your window, trying to figure out the next phase of his plan. But once the Doctor had arrived and swept you into his arms, he had decided to go home. Not back to his apartment, that was the place he resided. His home was a place nobody could know about. 

It was a place for only him and his mentor Drew. 

He walked into the kitchen to find Drew cleaning up his knives. “Hey little brother, out with your girl again?” Drew asked with a mischievous smile. 

Little brother was Drew’s nickname for the boy, they weren’t blood-related, but being 7 years younger than Drew, he had taken the boy under his wing.

“Yeah, until her stupid fucking doctor came.” the boy replied. 

“Don’t worry about the Doctor, your time will come.” Drew reassured. “Come, sit, I just finished up making dinner.” 

The boy sat down, pushing aside Drew’s papers so he had space to eat.

“Ah, ah,ah, you’re going to want to look at those. Those papers contain all the fun things you need to know. I’m not teaching you all of this for nothing huh?” Drew smiles, placing the papers back in front of the boy, alongside a bowl of stew.

“Do you really think this will work?” The boy asked, glancing over Drew’s explicitly written notes.

“Don’t worry little brother, this whole thing is trial and error.” Drew reassured. “Don’t be intimidated I’ve had this whole thing planned for a while and she won’t be the first, she can be our finale-” Drew was interrupted by a scream. He rolled his eyes. “Goddamnit, this bitch just never shuts up. I wanted to surprise you with her, but now she spoiled it.” 

The boy gave Drew a curious look. Drew chuckled. “Come on little brother I will show you.” Drew led the boy down to their basement. “After she’s gone, I’ll soundproof the basement better. I just needed an idea of how loud these whores will scream.”

The color drained from the boy’s face as his gaze fell on the woman. She was tied to Drew’s metal table, she looked like one of the frogs that the Boy had to set up for dissection for Professor Irving’s class, except she was very much alive, and slightly bloodied. 

“Meet trial number one little brother, she looks quite like your girl huh? I think all of em’ should just so you can be prepared for your finale with her.” Drew turned to the Boy. “Surprise.”

“How long has she been missing?” the Boy asked, panicked. How could Drew not warn him? “Relax, like I said she’s trial one. Just a corner whore, no one will even notice she is gone. The next one will be the real challenge, I want to find one exactly like your girl and I already found her, this one we will just pump and dump. Did you get those chemicals from your professor like I asked?” 

The Boy nodded “It all in my backpack.” The Boy couldn’t drag his eyes away from the girl on the table. Yes she had your hair and eye color, but she was a hideous thing compared to you. A mere whore could never compare to you. “If she’s a whore I don’t want to touch her. I’ll try the next one.”

Drew huffed. “Fine, you only have to watch this time virgin boy. But next time, I expect you to be hands on. I’m not doing all this work for nothing.”

The Boy’s face was emotionless the whole time he watched Drew, even when the blood spurted, even when the girl looked at him, pleading for help. Even when she stopped breathing and the chemicals he brought were used to melt her flesh. 

The Boy felt nothing.

________________________________________________________________

There was an extra flounce to your step as you made your way to your favorite cafe. Maybe it was because you had successfully hired a few new employees to help your company flourish, maybe it was because one of them had already settled a new deal in Ohio, or maybe it was because you knew Spencer was coming back from a case today. 

Hell, you had just had a fantastic day and you needed to update Ava and grab your favorite mocha latte to top it off. And maybe it was your 4th coffee of the day, but so what?

Your face lit up even more when you saw Ava. “Hello my darling best friend.” You said causing Ava to grin. 

“Hey there babe, what’s got you so preppy today?” Ava asked. 

“Well, let’s see; I hired 3 new employees who already are fantastic, one of which already booked us a design job in Ohio. Oh and my superhero hot boyfriend is coming home from a case tonight.” You grinned.

Ava rolled her eyes. “I still can’t believe you told him I call him that. I wanted to dissolve into the floor and simultaneously kick your ass.” She laughed. “As for the new employees, are any of them hot? Single? Oh and Ohio is good I guess.” 

You giggled. “Well Thomas is incredibly handsome, but I am afraid his soon to be husband might want to have a word with you if you try anything. As for the other two, Aiyla and May, I think you’ll find them stunning and single.” 

Ava wiggled her eyebrows. “Don’t tempt me girl, you know I swing both ways. Anyway, grab a seat, I’ll grab your coffee and bring it out to you. I get off early today so we can actually talk to each other rather than me hopping back and forth between the counter. James gets to hold down the fort with Emma and the newbie Jane today.”

“Well, maybe Jane will help him get out of his shell.” You hoped. Ava shrugged. 

“Maybe, anyway, Ohio?” Ava questioned.

 “Oh! Yes. My new minions are sketching our designs as we speak. The company is called Ohio technological, a very original name yes-” You said as Ava snorted. “But they’re trying to create an office space like Google, however I am going to one up that and add my own spin to it. Also your girl has a fantastic budget from this company and I am being paid bank!” You squealed.

Ava squealed with you, grabbing your hands and squeezing them tight. “(Y/N) that’s fantastic! I am so proud of you girl, you’ve been working so hard on this and I am so glad it’s all working out.” 

“There is one downside though.” You said with a sigh. “I have to get my plans to them by next week and once they approve of them, I have to head to Ohio for three weeks. After that I will just have Thomas overlook the project and tie up any loose ends. Either him or I will have to fly down and check in on the progress every couple weeks until then.”

 “Could be worse though.” Ava shrugged.

“That’s true, but Spencer and I have been dating for almost 3 months and half the time we can’t see each other. I’m worried that the distance will ruin us.” You confessed.

 Ava's face went completely serious and she grabbed your arm gently. “(Y/N, I have never seen a boy more in love with you. You have never seemed happier in your life. You two will make it work I promise. You’re both so in love it makes me sick.” You snorted out a laugh and Ava smirked.

 “Like I said, if he has a brother-” 

“AVA.” You groaned.

 _______________________________________________________________

The boy burst through the door, startling Drew. 

“Yo, what the fuck man?” Drew hissed. 

“She’s leaving. Fuck, fuck, fuck Drew. She’s leaving.” The Boy slammed the door shut, he leaned against it and slid down, hiding his face in his hands. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey little bro, take a breath, what happened?” Drew came over and pushed the boy’s hands away from his face.

“She’s leaving me Drew. For three weeks! She’s going to Ohio for THREE WEEKS. 21 days, almost a month! I won’t see her and when I do she will probably be with that goddamn doctor! What do I do?” The boy cried. 

“That fucking whore, it’s like she knows she’s making you suffer. She’s probably reveling in it. Don’t worry. While she’s gone, we will perfect our craft and get you ready. Then when she comes back you’ll strike.” 

Drew reassured the Boy, pulling him in for a hug.The Boy pulled away, dragging an arm across his tearful eyes. 

“You promise?” 

“I swear it.” Drew growled. 

________________________________________________________________

Present Day

“Garcia what did you find?” Reid asked, pleading that it would be a reliable lead. 

“Something that you won’t really like Reid.” Garcia said seriously, her usually bouncy personality was flat. “Something about your gift irked me, I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but then I remembered; the Curtis case.” 

Spencer’s heart fell into his stomach. The Curtis case had happened a few months after Spencer had started dating you. It had happened right here in Quantico, which terrified Spencer, especially since you fell perfectly under the unsubs victimology; 20-30 year old females with (Y/C/H) and (Y/E/C), successful middle class women who lived alone for one reason or another. You had luckily been out of town for a business trip at the time, working on an office design for a company in Ohio. 

Spencer remembered a phone call he had with you one night during the case. He had called you after finding yet another dead victim, raped and torn to pieces, whore scribbled all over their wall in their blood. It had made him sick, because all he could picture was you in their place.

It was late when he called you, but he had just needed to hear your voice and know you were okay. “Hi baby, are you alright?” Your voice was sleepy, but concerned, you had kept up with the news and had heard about the horrible murders going on while you were gone.

 “Not really, but I just needed to hear your voice. There’s a sick selfish part of me that is so glad that you aren’t here (Y/N). All of these girls look so much like you-” Spencer paused, you could hear the tears in his voice. “I just am so glad you are safe, I don’t think I could focus as well on this case if I knew you could possibly be in danger.”

 “Aw Spencer, I am so sorry baby. You aren’t sick or selfish for wanting me to be safe, everyone focuses on the safety of those they love, it’s only human. I know you are going to catch this guy, you are the most brilliant man and agent I have ever met. Just don’t tell your team I said that, I don’t want a bad reputation before they even meet me.” You teased, trying to lighten his dark mood.

 It had worked slightly as you heard him let out a small laugh followed by a sniffle. “Listen Spence, I can stay here a bit longer if it will help you focus, but when I come home I am taking self-defense classes and such. I want you to have a sane mind knowing that your girlfriend actually can handle herself. I honestly think it will help me keep sane too, after hearing everything about this case.” 

Spencer paused and thought for a second, part of him wanted you as far away as possible, while the other part just wanted you in his arms. “I appreciate you considering me, but I want the ultimate decision to be made by you Princess, I trust your judgement and I don’t want you living your life based on my fear.” 

You breath caught in your throat at the sentiment. “I love you Spencer Reid.” 

“I love you more (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” A true smile beamed across his face, you guys had never said that to one another before and it meant just as much over the phone as it would in person.

Spencer flashed back to the present. “Andrew Curtis is in jail right now with three life sentences, how could this have anything to do with his case?”

 Garcia cringed a bit, “His calling card.” The words hit Spencer like a ton of bricks, how could he have not seen it before?

The gift box, the red bow, the eyes scratched out of the picture, that was exactly what Curtis had sent to his victims before they were attacked by him. Most of the women had thought it was a prank, a way to scare them into submission, they were incredibly wrong.

“So what could it be, a copycat?” Emily asked.

 “That is a possibility, they are using the exact same delivery company Andrew Curtis used, I found this on the security footage.” Garcia pulled up an image of a man wearing a uniform; it was a hideous orange color with the words “Swiftly Delivered” on it, khaki shorts, and white tennis shoes. 

“You think the company would have shut down or at least redesigned their hideous uniform after all the association with Curtis.” Emily mumbled.

“Well, I think in this case it’s lucky they didn’t, that way we could easily find the connection.” JJ said.

 “How could something like that have gotten cleared by security?” Rossi wondered aloud. “You think someone would have possibly recognized it, the case is still pretty fresh.” 

“Well, the box had no threat, no weapons, they must have just scanned it and sent it through. Alyssa was the one who brought it up with the rest of the mail. She said nothing seemed off about it when she brought it up, she just thought it was someone who was sweet on our pretty boy.” Morgan explained.

“Everyone is just so invested in my love life that we miss obvious clues.” Spencer growled frustrated.

“Well, at least we have a lead.” Hotch interrupted. “JJ, Morgan, I need you guys to head over to Swiftly Delivered. Ask them about their past customers and see if they can remember our unsub. Emily, you and Reid head over to (Y/N)’s apartment and see if you can find anything. Rossi and I are going over to talk to Curtis.”

“Hotch, I need to talk to Curtis.” Reid protested. “If he knows anything about (Y/N)-”

“No Reid. You know (Y/N)’s apartment better than anyone. You will notice if anything is wrong.” Hotch explained sternly.

“Hotch-” Reid argued. 

“No. I don’t trust Curtis, he seemed too interested during his original case. If he knows something, I can’t have him getting under your skin. Reid’s head fell in defeat. “But-” Reid’s head shot back up. “If you guys finish before us. Meet us at the prison.” Hotch ordered. 

Hope filled Reid’s eyes.

TAGLIST

@andiebeaword @haylaansmi @parkastoria @possessedjoker @amronsparty @generaltheoristexpert @sierraraeck @coniumalces @tamedbyafox @anotherr-fine-mess @adoregin @rainsong01 @canyonnmoonn  @mggshoe @boxofsparklingmuses @richardpapensmuse @deanlenaz​ @rainsong01 @goldentournesol @annesauriol @itsametaphorbriansblog @secretpickleprofessordean @shameleswhorehourstm @stepsofthefbi​ @iifloweringnightsii

[polandspringz]

Director’s Cut of My Fic “I’d Rather Be Dry” Part 2 (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3 was probably the most painful chapter of a fic I’ve ever had to write, and not because I was sad writing the sad scenes. No, this fic was physically painful to write because it took 3 days and I was struggling to sit down and write it the entire time because even though I had the whole thing planned out, I just felt like I was dragging through it and eventually had to change some things to speed it up a bit. Still, it ended up being the longest chapter because I had to tie up so many loose ends! Luckily for me, my beta-reader @primal-shitposts​ read it through for me again, so I didn’t have to suffer again!!! If you want to support not only me but my beta-reader who makes sure my fic lacks grammar errors (and also gives you this great commentary on these types of posts), please go to their art blog @primal-interstellar​ and give their artwork some love!!! They deserve it after slogging through this mess of a fic for a game they don’t even play.

Since there are a lot of funny quotes from this proof-read, I’ll post them all under read more. Beta-reader (Primal) is in pink. If you see blue text, that’s me typing stuff in frantically before she skipped to the next line:

I actually originally wrote the opening scene with Satan in a lot more detail. It dropped us in the present where he was in the office, and Diavolo and everyone was just looking on as he slowly ran out of energy. But, I got about 3 pages in and realized it was dragging and so I cut it and swapped it for a flashback on the walk home.

While I intended for this to be a much more dramatic anime scene of Satan just silent as he ran out of steam and could barely move his arms save for slapping the guy, I love this interpretation.

I CAN’T EXPLAIN WHY BUT THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST COMMENT IN THE DOCUMENT. NOTHING TOPPED THIS. I DON’T UNDERSTAND BUT IT’S SO OUT OF LEFT FIELD IT HAD ME DYING

Primal knows about Lucifer birthing Satan because the moment I started playing the game I made her watch a crack video with me that mentioned it. Although I know she likes Leviathan cause sea monsters, I’m convinced Satan might be one of her favorites. On a side note, writing dialogue for Satan is very hard because he is very proper but when he snaps, I always feel unsure of whether it sounds believable or just like a string of curses that a twelve year old would think sounds cool. 😎 I do like the father/son dynamic Lucifer and Satan hint at though (and from what I hear the new lessons might be adding on to that? oWO)

I honestly don’t know how the demons who attacked MC aren’t dead yet. They’re basically disfigured and then Satan just doubled the damage and then tripled it in the council room this chapter. Somehow they’re not dead though! I wonder what MC will have to say about their punishment...

QUICK, SOMEONE DRAW SATAN WITH THE CRAFTING TABLE STARING AT THE DOOR WHILE THE EQUATIONS FLY BY HIS HEAD

I did choose the “yes” option when Beel asked to eat me in the animal event. It was not because of vore though, but I do make many vore jokes. I could imagine MC being forced to explain vore to Lucifer (or all the brothers) after making a joke and them being confused. Writing Beel’s breakdown this chapter wasn’t initially planned, and it was sort of what really started to make writing this fic slow down because as you might notice throughout the fic, I suddenly felt the need to give every brother an equal amount of screen time which sort of led to me RUNNING OUT OF VERBS for how to make each breakdown unique.

Okay, so the next part. I was actively seeing the comments as they popped up, but there was a delay with the comment box on the side appearing before the actual comments in the text. So, I saw this:

And had two seconds to go “Oh no” before this was added:

From here on it was chaos.

Listen, the boys are idiots. They’re all concerned, Mammon just doesn’t want MC to get upset again. In reality, this sort of dialogue stemmed more from me still lingering on the original idea of the fic. The original concept of this fic (when it was just a one-shot) was MC still getting attacked by a demon in the locker-room showers (for their soul) but because I was originally thinking about a female reader, I knew that it could have more of an undertone for sexual assault. I actually first discussed the fic idea with Primal months back when I first got into Obey Me, because I wanted to write a snippet of each brother helping MC after the event (it wasn’t going to be extreme, I was thinking more accidental scratches during the scuffle closer to the chest and such and maybe the assailants having more dialogue demeaning MC for being around the 7 brothers all the time) but I realized I didn’t have much experience with that and it would make writing scenes that I thought about (such as Asmo wanting to give MC a bath as aftercare) difficult as I could see someone after an attack like that not wanting to be in a bathroom with someone else or be vulnerable to them. I ended up playing with that idea in my previous Mammon fic with more different comfort aspects and touching on that kind of assault briefly, so this fic ended up just being focused on the brothers’ being upset over what happened to MC.

As much as writing Satan’s angry dialogue is a pain, I have fun making him talk with a more formal tone, it’s closer to how I normally talk, and prefer to write my characters talking. I have no problem writing contractions or more casual speech, but for one of my fantasy stories, where I’m writing in English but trying to differentiate different languages through italics or just whether they use certain contractions or not, I tend to really stress the characters that use absolutely zero and more complicated synonyms. 

I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS IF MC JUST ASKED FOR SOUP OUT OF THE BLUE I’M IMAGINING ASMO BEING LIKE “BITCH I TOOK ALL THIS TIME DEBATING OVER HOT OR COLD TEA AND NOW YOU’RE SAYING YOU’RE FINE WITH HOT SOUP???”

I know the shower idea may have been really corny or cringey. I know a lot of people write things like the water in Devildom as being much hotter (cause their near hell and their demons! It makes sense, also I think Asmo might have mentioned in a text chat he would make the water cooler for MC? But I could be wrong) but I imagine their is some demons who aren’t powerful enough to handle a lot of the settings. Of course though, our demon bros are 7 of the highest demons in Devildom, so they’re immune.

*Slaps this comment* Congrats, Primal. You just summarized the entire chapter.

I find Leviachan to be such a funny nickname, mainly because writing any dialogue for Levi makes me cringe because while I was a VERY big weeaboo in elementary and middle school, I was so lucky I never hit his stage of acting like an otaku. While it’s charming, having to type him in more modern fic is even more painful because it’s like “oh god he actually goes into the real world and talks like this). Sidenote, I always mispronounce Levi’s name when I’m talking about him, mainly because I have to remember so many anime characters where their name is pronounced Lee-Vai or I just think of the brand of jeans (fashion major brain). So, whenever I’m talking out loud about him to someone, I have to stop and be like, “Levi... Leviachan...Leviathan...” because that “a” sound corrects my brain to how it’s supposed to be.

*throws confetti again* Believe I felt the pain of this fic dragging through every boy going back on their character development I had given them but I felt it was only fair that each of them got time with MC. As the tag on archive says, “everybody gets time to shine with MC”. (I really just want to write Barbatos’ scene for chapter 4 though)

This scene was hard to write because I wanted Levi to get closure on the scene with MC, but I couldn’t have him straight up kabedon them because then he would be cornering them and I thought that would be too much like what MC went through in the shower. Although I didn’t write anyone in explicitly summarizing what happened to MC, and Levi saw the least of it, I think he’s seen enough series depicting it to know that cornering them would be bad, but he still wants to show that he loves them and cares about them. Also, when I was writing this, I remember just going through a counter of who got the most smooches in chapter 3. Originally only Mammon was going to get 2, putting him in the lead above everyone who got 1, but then I felt back for giving Levi the least screen time and just gave him 3.

Honestly, chapter 3 really took a turn for a more intimate chapter??? Especially with Asmo’s one-on-one scene with MC, it was all downhill from there. I have noticed with quarantine, my writing has become more focused on touch (if you read any of my Balance:Unlimited fics or even my Mammon fic, you would definitely die if you tried to do a drinking game with the number of times someone TOUCHES the other gently). It’s just an unfortunate projection issue that comes with writing.

And here is complete chaos. I had blocked this game from my memory and then I was forced to remember it right here. 

Removing these meme images from the fic text will be tedious, and painful. But, I am preserving them here. (I type up these directors’ cuts before publishing the final version of the fic, so I don’t lose the comments)

I’m not even at lesson 16 yet, but based on all the spoilers I read, watched, and scene for research purposes, I’m pretty sure it was more of a-

This is what writing 11k+ words for one chapter worth it. The final read through I get to enjoy things like this.

I wish Belphie was 7′2″. 😳 I like Beel but Belphie is one of my favs. Ironically enough he was the one who skipped this fic. (I’ll make it up to you one day, Belphie fans.... will we ever know what they talked about and what made Belphie cry? Personally, I think it’s like the iceberg effect Hemingway talked about, and says more under the surface... it’s totally not because I got burned out, lolololol.... 🤭)

I WAS ACCIDENTALLY FEEDING DIALUCI STANS but again, if you’ve read my Mammon fic, you probably know my true thoughts on Diavolo and Lucifer’s relationship. This fic is so MC focused, I wasn’t intending to write it in so much, Diavolo was just supposed to order Lucifer to go home, that’s it. But, I got rejuvenated when I hit Lucifer’s scene, because I knew it was the homestretch for the chapter! I really played up a Hamilton reference accidentally, having the “Go home” line repeated, because it just felt like the vibe the scene was getting at. I am hoping to explore Diavolo and Lucifer’s relationship more in my modern au fic, Siberia.

I hate tumblr because if I attach a link in the initial post, this won’t appear in the tag, but Primal’s comment here made me think of this art I saw of Lucifer and Satan the other day by ObsessiveAlice (I don’t want to tag them because they’ll be so confused by this long unrelated post! But I’ll put the link to their art in the notes/replies on this post, so check them out!!!)

I know it wasn’t the most romantic kiss but again I WAS RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO MAKE THE BROTHERS HAVE UNIQUE SCENES SO I GOT DESPERATE.

And that’s the end!!! Again, if you liked the fic, more than giving me a like or reblog, please go check out Primal’s wonderful artwork @primal-interstellar​ !!! She does a lot of great oc work and it needs more recognition!!! Almost all of my fics would never get posted without her help, so please, please, please show her support! (She has an animatic she just made which I will also link in the replies!!! Please give that love too!!!)

Anyway, if you made it to the end, I don’t know if you got a laugh out of this, but I hope you enjoyed the fic commentary somewhat! I was going to post chapter 3+4 at the same time like I did the prior chapters, but chapter 3 took so long I had to just lay on my floor for 3 hours earlier today to take a break from it, lol. Luckily, I’m very excited for chapter 4, so it shouldn’t take as long!!! 

[sugarbutterbroadway]

Life is hard for dreamers dark chocolate pie

A/n this chapter depicts domestic violence and emotional manipulation explicitly. Please proceed with caution

“They say times are hard for dreamers, but they won’t be hard for me-”

“I’ve saved up everything I know, to take that step beyond the lawn…”Jack sang softly along with the radio. “Keep walkin till I see the station and then see it go…” It was late now. The diners' rules were they opened early and closed even earlier. Mr.Jacobi was no saint—he was honestly a thorn in Jack’s side most days—but even he knew it was dangerous to be in this part of town too late. Always said it was because he didn’t want to mop the blood off the sidewalk, but deep down Jack knew he cared.

Everyone else took that gratefully and clocked out as soon as the clock struck 8pm, but Jack didn’t. He liked to come in early and stay late, anything to keep him from spending too much time at home. He liked the quiet, liked to play his music and finally get the clarity to work.

“They say times are hard for dreamers, and who knows maybe they are”he sang as he wiped the flour off his station. “...and I might be a dreamer, but it’s gotten me this far and that is far enough for me”

Jack Kelly was a dreamer, anyone who knew him could tell you. His mother always said he spent more time with his head in the clouds than his feet on the ground. Back when he was young, and his parents would argue, his mind started to wander. Always told himself he’d grow up to be a cowboy, lasso his dad and hog tie him to a railroad track, then him and his mama would ride away into the sunset. He always told himself he was going to save her. Now she was long gone and here he was almost thirty years old working the same job day in and out. He couldn’t save her, he can’t even save himself.

Yeah he was a dreamer all right. He came to New York with a dream,a guitar and a sketchbook full of all the places he would see. He fingers flexed against the damp rag, what he would give to hold that guitar one last time…

Jack smiled as he strolled down the long hallway, suitcase in tow. He shot a cheesy grin over his shoulder, “C’mon mama! I wanna see who i’m roomin with!”

“Hold your horses cowboy”she warned, though she was smiling. “My legs don’t move as fast as they used to”

“That’s because they never did”He snorted, “It won’t be that bad, it should be around this corner”

“Jack Francis, you’re gonna put me in an early grave”she sighed.

“Mama!”he scolded, “don’t say things like that! I swear I can’t take you anywhere, you don’t behave!”

“Says you”she chuckled, “ain’t it that one right there?”

Room 228. Jack skidded to a halt in front of the door and froze.

“Well go on then”she said, “no time for bein shy now”

“Mama-”

“Go!” her hand had twisted the handle and he stumbled inside. To his dismay the room definitely wasn’t empty. Two blonde boys sat chatting on one of the beds. They must have already been friends, Jack didn’t want to intrude-

“Oh hi!”the shorter one said, his grin was a lil goofy, it made Jack want to smile too. “The names Charlie but my friends call me Crutchie, you must be Jack”

Crutchie? He stifled a gasp and nodded. “Y-yeah that’s me”

“This is my friend Race”Crutchie said, “I hope you don’t mind him being here, he’s just chillin until his roommate arrives”

“It’s no problem at all but...Race?”he asked, tilting his head.

“Yeah, you got a problem with that?”Race said, his accent was heavy, he must be local.

“Did I say I have a problem with it?”he asked, folding his arms over his chest. Race looked him over once, then twice and finally smiled.

“Kids got a backbone, I like ‘im”Race said. Crutchie rolled his eyes and turned to fully face Jack.

“Don’t mind him, he’s got an attitude problem and an ego the size of manhattan”

“Hey!”

“Did I lie?”Crutchie said, raising a brow. Race just flopped back on the bed with a wounded sigh.

“Oh!”Crutchie said after a few seconds, “The nicknames! It’s a thing our friends used to do from high school—”

“Being friends with theatre kids gets you into some weird shit”Race warned.

“Racer, you were a theatre kid”Crutchie said.

“Oh yeah!”

“Anyways”Crutchie said, “it was like a way of expressing individuality and all that fun stuff! I’m Crutchie because well, my crutch—”

“I’m Racetrack because I was the best at cross country”Race with a wink.

“And since the boys—and girls, can’t forget smalls—aren’t here to grill you, it’s your lucky day! You get to pick your own”Crutchie said. Jack’s head was spinning but he nodded.

“Well my mama calls me Cowboy”He said.

“Ooo very country”Race said, “What’s the story behind that?”

“It’s um...it’s a long story?”He said weakly. Before Crutchie could speak, Race had grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the bed.

“We’ve got time cowboy, spill”

He thought he had hit the jackpot. He was going to school on a full ride,he had amazing friends and for the most part he got to do what he loved. But he was still young, young and so naive. He was working at a Starbucks just off campus when he met her, the woman who made him so weak.

“Here’s my number, handsome. Call me, I promise you won’t regret it”She was beautiful. His hands shook and he stuttered out a promise that he would.

-----

“A music major at NYU?”She giggled, “Does that mean you plan on serenading me?”

“If that’s what you want”He smiled.

“You know what I want?”She said leaning closer.

“Y-yeah?”

“I want you to write a song for me”she said, right against his ear. “Make it good, yeah?” He grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to it.

“Anything you want Eve”

-----

She made him feel like they were the only two on earth. She was always so sure of herself, no matter what she was doing, it was intoxicating. She wined and dined him and to a broke college student that was heaven. It was heaven.

Until it wasn’t.

“Where are you going?”She asked. Jack tilted his head and put down the bottle of cologne, it was Armani, much more than he could afford.

“I’m going out with Race and Crutchie, I told you this earlier baby”He said. She frowned and walked over musing a hand through his hair.

“I thought we were going to watch a movie today?”she asked, “and why are you wearing that cologne anyways? What’s the occasion?”

“Ain’t no occasion baby”He said, “ I just like it cause it smells good, no reason to fuss.”

“What about our movie?”She said, the grip in his hair had gotten tighter. 

“I haven’t seen them in weeks!”he insisted, then winced as her hand balled into a fist.

“Don’t raise your voice at me Kelly”She said, “You won’t like the consequences”

“E-Eve”he stammered, “Baby that hurts-”

“Good”She said, “Maybe you’ll learn not to cancel our dates to hang out with your stupid friends” before he could respond she had yanked her hand back and stomped out of the room. He took a deep breath and picked up his phone.

“Crutchie? Yeah um, something came up”

-----

“You know, you don’t need that music school anyways”She said, not tearing her eyes away from the mirror. “What are they teaching you that you don’t already know?”

“How to be a musician?”he chuckled, “There’s so much I still need to learn, I haven’t even scratched the surface yet”

“Yeah but maybe you can go in less?”She said, “do you really need to be there five days a week?”

“Baby please-”he started, but she lifted a hand. He flinched.

“Don’t baby me Kelly”she hissed, “Don’t you think I was a student once? I know you don’t need to be there so often. What are you trying to hide from me?”

“Nothing Eve-”

“Are you cheating on me?”She asked. His eyes went wide and he quickly shook his head.

“N-no baby I would never-!”

“Tell me you love me”She said.

“Eve we’ve never even said that before-”

“Say it!”She shouted. The glass tube filled with crimson lipstick hit the bathroom counter and shattered into fragments. She ignored it and glared at him.

“I love you”He said softly.

“hm”She said, and stared. It felt like she was ripping him apart. “No you don’t”

“I-I do!”he said, “I promise I do, just please Eve-”

“Say it like you mean it then”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I love you”

She smiled and brought a hand up to cup his cheek. “I wanna hear you say that forever”

He leaned into the touch and shivered as she ran a sharp nail across his jaw. “Then i’ll say it for forever”

“Oh what did I do to deserve you?”She whispered, “You’re too good to me Jack, you know that? Like some angel sent from heaven”

-----

“When are we going to get married?”she asked. Jack choked on his french fry, she stared.

“Married?”He asked softly, he knew better than to raise his voice. “Eve I...I’m only nineteen”

“Yeah but we’re so good together Jackie”she pouted. “Besides, I can provide for us. I've got a good paying job. You can leave that music school behind and write songs for me all day long--oh! How’s that one go? The one about sunshine”

“u-uh”He stuttered, “you want me to sing it here?”

“That’s what I said”she said, rolling her eyes.

“Till the sun don’t shine, i’ll be yours, you'll be mine”He sang quietly.

“I thought you changed those lyrics”She huffed. “I told you I didn’t like them”

“You’re right baby”he said, “my mind is just a little woozy right now, what drink did you get me?” “It doesn’t matter,”she said. “The song?”

“Till the sun don’t shine, you will still be mine…”

-----

They had been married for three months until it happened. Eve had lost her Job and she had gotten so drunk...Jack’s knees buckled underneath him and he gripped the table for support.

“Jack Kelly what did I say about raising your voice!”

She had been so mad.

“I’m not asking you to drop out, i’m telling you!”

The bottle had only just missed his head.

“If you leave, i’m going to kill myself. I’m going to kill myself because i am nothing without you! And that’s going to be on your conscious! Don’t think your mama would like that would she!”

“You don’t know shit about my mama!”he shouted back, “leave her out of this!”

Smack. 

His head had whipped to the side before the pain had registered. Once it did she was already apologizing.

“I-I’m sorry Jackie”she whispered, stroking his cheek. “I didn’t mean to, I just-...do you still love me?”

His eyes were blurred with tears. “Yes”

“Say it”

“I-I..-”

“Jackie say it, please”

“I love you”

“Sing to me. You know i love it when you sing”

They had both ended up on the floor. Eve in his lap as he rocked her gently, he had never seen her so small.

“Till the sun don’t shine…”

-----

Jack took a few seconds on the floor to compose himself. Hot tears were streaming down his face and it was like they couldn’t stop. He pulled his knees up to his chest, and rocked himself back and forth back and forth. Just like his mama used to. He stayed like this until the oven beeped and sent him hurtling back into reality. He pulled himself up and wiped his face off on his apron.

“Let’s get this out the oven”he mumbled to himself and grabbed the oven mitts. It smelled delicious but even the thought of eating made him nauseous , he was exhausted, and he still needed to get home.

He placed it on the cooling rack and scribbled a title on a sticky note.

Life is hard for dreamers dark chocolate pie

He placed a glass case over it to keep it fresh. On the way out he made sure to hang up his apron, and lock up the kitchen. He didn’t care if the diner got robbed, but no one was touching his pies. He pulled on his coat and fished in his backpack for his earbuds and metrocard. Too tired to pick a song he just left them in for warmth and locked up the diner. As he walked towards the train station his head remained in the clouds.

“They say times are hard for dreamers, but they won’t be hard for me…”

I've saved up everything I know, to take that step beyond the lawn. Keep walking till I see the station, and then see it go.

[chrisodonline]

In which I unwrap a little from “Mother” and also tie in past seasons’ of G Callen character development AND character insight shown and implied...

This episode was all about parallels -- and they were well done. Parallels in TV episodes are nothing new, and you see them as handy ways to tie storylines and characters together, either from within the show itself or with references and homages to past literature and media.  They are a great tool for new writers, and for good reason. People expect themes to episodic and serial presentations, and they help keep formulae from being just straight formulae. ECO and Babar definitely leaned into them, but with a lot of thought. 

I do think the parallels between Akhos and G were supposed to make us think as well as make G think.  Akhos definitely thought they were two sides to the same coin. Hetty had concerns they were, in a way, as well. It was setup to put Hetty in continued crisis thought and self-reflection that has started recently -- but you saw seeds in past seasons.  It’s still very in character.  The beauty of the ep was that it didn’t actually lean all the way into the parallel. It was more explicit in noting the parallel of Akhos and G, but mainly because the dialogue was coming through to display the aforementioned mentalities of our Baddie of the Week and Mother Hetty. (Mother was also the very specific nickname/codename given to the CIA during the Cold War, and I just kept thinking about that. I’m sure that was no coincidence.)  Sam also had a little dialogue that floated this -- in this ep and in recent ones.  

Anyway, what the episode demonstrated was a reinforcement that G and Akhos? Actually two very different people. And it’s not that they ended up on two different sides of a forked path after Hetty’s modus operandi of intervening with lost souls. It wasn’t even anything about what Hetty planted. G was never going to be Akhos, Hetty or no Hetty.

Before I get into the ending parts with G and his fantastic dialogue, we’ll look at the speakers of lines that contributed to the “Akhos = what G could have ended up as.” Akhos himself belabors the point. Akhos is extremely misguided, and approaches things from an embittered POV. He has also lied to someone who is loyal enough to him to go to the HQ of a government agency.  There’s an entitlement aspect to him, and also someone who refuses to accept any of his actions or mistakes as completely of his own doing. It was all “nurture” to him. He wasn’t a full-grown adult or anything at some point capable of making his own decisions.  If anything, saying he was ruined and fallen shows that he has a pretty darn clear understanding of morality.  You can’t fault a person for not being mentally healthy or having emotional issues. But he knows right from wrong. He did wrong. He’s not the voice of reason in all this. He has a skewed view of things, and we’re not supposed to walk away thinking, “Man, Akhos was a deep guy. He’s super smart. He had it all figured out.” He tried to kill Hetty, then G, and tried to blow up Deeks and Kensi. He’s not...a good guy. He’s not on the side of right nor is he right about things. He ends up killed by Hetty.  If this were a novel, well, a traditional novel -- let’s say -- Akhos’ ending up killed in a very bloody fashion and coming out the loser -- big time -- with his men taken out and plots being foiled all over the place pretty much enforces his worldview and ways of life are not ones the author subscribes to nor are they trying to get the audience/reader to subscribe to them. 

Hetty is another person who muses this, and she does it not from her usual confident stance.  She isn’t Hetty the Purveyor of Wisdom.  She is Hetty the Mother, specifically Hetty the Mother, who is going through common paternal guilt mode. She’s questioning her decisions, how it’s affected her children, etc. She isn’t Hetty the Orator. She is Hetty the Doubter. Sage!Hetty is a voice we’re supposed to listen to.  Confused, guilt-ridden, confidence-bruised is not the Hetty we’re supposed to listen to. It’s her at her most human, not her most all-knowing. 

Sam? Sam is your favorite aunt. He meddles at times, but he always cares. He might get a little personal, but you know you can go to him with whatever horrible thing you think you did, and he’d give you a look before helping you out and guiding you back and giving you the best hug you’ve ever gotten. He’s also a worrier. Sam’s just worried about his friend, and this is probably his gateway into deeper discussions because he knows G isn’t up for the really, really deep ones.

So, we’ve established that these aren’t necessarily the voices we need to put full faith in -- for the ep that is.  (Hetty and Sam know what’s what very often.)

The episode is smart enough to let G speak for himself. He doesn’t do it often, and that’s been a big point in some of his plots. He gets deep here, and he drops his guard. It’s Hetty, and he’s often done it with her. However, he also knows she needs to hear what he has to say. It’s all true, so he’s not lying out of kindness. He’s being honest. He doesn’t do this because Hetty showed him a magic, fun path. He may have ended up on this super specific path because of Hetty, but he was always going to help people. He doesn’t do this because he feels like he has no choice. He does it because he sees the good it does. It allows people to live their lives. That’s all he wants. He wants people to live outside of violence. He has every reason to doubt the good in people. He’s seen the worst in this job, and he saw it before the job. He had abandonment issues not knowing who he was and if he was ever wanted. He had to live with that on top of not only encountering horrible, cruel people, but being left in their charge. Time and time again. His childhood was full of horrible things and horrible people. But he also saw good, innocent people -- his fellow foster kids. 

Sam, Kensi, and Deeks usually mention at least one personal relationship when talking about doing the job, though they also love helping others and explicitly note. In the 11th season, with G’s acknowledging he is no longer a lone wolf, that he does have people close to him, and seeming to be okay with, he still talks with distance about the people he saves. He’s tried the “normal” things beyond the found family: girlfriends, a niece and nephews, steady dwelling places, staying in a job for a while, etc.  He still sees himself as separate from the “normal life.” From the world he saves. The world is full of other people living their lives, not him. He’s not bitter about that. In fact, he kind of misses the aspects to being fully solo. (See? Already very different Akhos. Not bitter. Not feeling entitled to something better or throwing blame around.)

G Callen has had emotional growth in being able to trust more people and let them in. He’s allowed himself to make connections.  Morally, though? He’s still the same person. Because he was never evil. And he never would be. Don’t get me wrong. He’s no saint, and he’d be the first to tell you that. He lives in the gray, though. Always has, and always will. He might have ended up in a different system if he stayed in juvie or kept going back. Even if he never went and ended up in organized crime or on the “wrong” side of the law because that was sort of his only options, or seemed like it, he’d be a total Arkady. (Maybe more...understated, shall we say?) He has the natural skill set and aptitude for organized crime, but you know he’d be helping people one way or another. Probably even be a CI.  He’s clever, and always has been. But he’s never been evil. He might go dark at times, but all these characters have. 

Again, Akhos feels like so many things forged him.  He takes no responsibility for the forging he did of himself. Trauma and horrible experiences do not forge us. That’s a misconception. It permanently affects you, in ways you sometimes don’t understand. It can affect your physical health. It can dig into your DNA. It’s not what makes you you, though. Survival is not a creator of bravery, it is a product of it. (I do want to note here, that the lack of survival does not mean there is an absence of bravery. There is no victim-blaming here.) 

G Callen was impacted by cruelty and tragedy. He got scars from them in various ways. He may have not wanted to get close to people or let them get close to him as a result. However, that doesn’t mean he didn’t care about them. G Callen didn’t go into this life because Hetty told him to or offered it to him, and made it sound like a trip to Disney World every day or like constant 80s training montages. The G Callen who went from agency to agency because, even though he hated the structure, he wanted to do the job. (He also says he left the CIA because the thought they were too shady.) He could have been a private investigator. Or just left and did something less kickass-y.  Something without any rules or bosses.  But he stayed. He didn’t stay because of Hetty. He’s super loyal to Hetty, but he’s also super stubborn.

G Callen sat there tonight and told Hetty that she didn’t fail him, that she didn’t fail any of them, that he does this because he wants people to be able to live their lives and that the world is worth saving. That’s why G Callen has always done this. That’s why when he sees kids in trouble, he doesn’t do what Akhos does and go “Oh, woe is me! You think you have it bad! Look at what life and the people in it have done to me! Aren’t you lucky to still have a parent who might be upset you die in a bomb blast!” G Callen has the opposite of the crab mentality.  He wants to make sure everyone else makes it out of the bucket, usually feeling like he has to stay in it himself -- no matter how often Sam tells him he can come out of the bucket. 

G Callen will always live in the gray, but never the dark.  He knows he’s not meant for a life in the “light.” He’s okay with that. He doesn’t double-down and go and live in the dark, taking down everyone with him. He wants to save people from the dark, no matter what it means for him. 

G Callen is still very often that hurt, little lonely boy who just wanted a family and to be loved and know who he was. To be safe. He was well into adulthood before he knew any of that, really.  He even says as much to Nadir back in “The Seventh Child.”  You find people who make you feel safe. He has talked about the team being family, and he said it tonight. He’s gotten all of that. That stuff is newer; however, he has always wanted other people to be safe, too. His hands are far from clean, and he can be extremely lethal and detached due to his training -- as seen tonight, as well.  But he’ll always help people. It’s who he is. It’s why he does what he does. In the “Matroyshka” episode (another nice maternal name, there), he reacts very strongly to his father calling him a good man. He doesn’t feel like he is, but he wants to be. 

G Callen lived through horror after horror, and he was still never going to approach Akhos-level evil. That’s not how it works. I realize the episode itself seemed to be pushing that more than it didn’t, but it was just having a discourse and exploring things through dialogue and plot -- as good TV does. G Callen would’ve said in his moment of deep honesty with Hetty if she did anything that might have led him to be Akhos.  I know there’s an argument to be made about whether or not Callen is self-aware, but what this ep and the ones before it have shown us is that he so very much is self-aware.  He’s more self-aware than he gets credit for because people mistake behavior changes as a guaranteed result of self-awareness.  (Behavior changes are soooo ingrained. They are nearly impossible to change permanently. It is very serious work and doesn’t signal a lack of attempts to make those changes.)

Anyway, that went even longer than I intended. I could go on and on. Clearly. I just wanted to put it out there that G Callen was never at real risk for becoming an Akhos, and the episode didn’t end with that notion, either. At least not to me.  

[forever-forgotten-angel]

Back to the Basics (Part 4)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 (Final Part)

TRIGGER WARNING: THE FLASHBACK IN THIS CHAPTER GOES DEEP INTO MY VERSION OF VIRGIL DUCKING OUT WHICH I EQUATE TO BE A BIT LIKE A SUICIDE! IF THAT BOTHERS YOU, EITHER DON’T READ OR SKIP THAT PART OF THE CHAPTER, I WILL MARK WHERE IT IS OVER. STAY SAFE PLEASE! 

Warning: This is a Thomas Sanders/Virgil Sanders romantic fic so if you don’t like that then please skip over this story and have a wonderful day!

Summary: Basically just some mutual pining between my favorite sunshine boy and emo side with some fluff thrown in for flavor. Featuring Thomas attempting to court a selectively oblivious Virgil and the other sides being ‘helpful’ to said courting process.  

Hi people! Sorry this took so long! Work has been crazy. But this chapter is over 4,250 words long so hopefully that makes up for it a bit. Also who asked for the angst? No one! Excellent! Have some! I plan to have the last chapter out by the weekend and you all are welcome to hold me to that! Just don’t ask me to sleep lol. Hope you enjoy!

Ducking out had not been an easy decision for Virgil. Not even close. And to this day he thinks it was probably the most selfish decision he ever made.

He had stressed over it for months. What would happen to him when he detached from Thomas? Would he simply fade eventually? Would the others be forced to take on his responsibilities?

The truth was, as much as he'd like to be, he could not be sure of any of these things, hence why this was such a big decision.

For a long time, the thought would pass occasionally, but he would never even consider it. Thomas needed him, whether he liked him or not. And that on thought kept him going, no matter how the other sides or even Thomas himself treated him.

But as the videos started and he was told and shown more and more frequently how unneeded (and unwanted) he was, that thought that kept him going began to crumple and wear down until it was nothing but dust.

It all came to a head with their collaboration with Butch Hartman. If Virgil was honest, he wasn't exactly sure why that was what finally broke him. It wasn't that bad. Sure, he'd been cast as the villain, but what else was new? And yes, his cartoon self had been made to fly after he'd explicitly expressed his hatred for flying but to be fair, he thinks that's just because Thomas was flying too as the hero so logically the villain would fly as well. Plus, it was just an animation, he hadn't actually had to fly.

Maybe it was just that, for the first time he saw (in full color animation no less) exactly what Thomas thought of him. He was just the villain that needed to be locked away. Not even the sympathetic villain that you didn't like but still sympathized with  or the fun villain that you liked despite them being a bad guy.

No, he was the villain that you didn't like and didn't want sullying your town. The one that only made things worse. The unnecessary burden.

Virgil had been doubting himself for a good while but that night the doubts swirled in his head fiercer than ever. Did he really do any good for Thomas? Or did he just make him panic over stupid things? Was he really keeping Thomas safe? Or was he keeping him from doing what he wanted? Was he really just doing his job? Or had he stepped over a line in his twisted devotion to the host that he loved?

Did Thomas really need him?

These were the thoughts that plagued his mind as he tried to go to sleep. He tossed and turned for hours, his brain refusing to shut off, until he finally drifted off in the early hours of the morning.

He was sitting in the commons, just listening to some music on the couch, when his headphones were ripped unceremoniously from his head.

"What the hell Princey?" He demanded of the glaring creative side who simply continued to glare. Virgil noticed a shiny glint out of the corner of his eye and gulped as he turned to see Roman's sword was drawn. He quickly schooled his face, trying not to show his apprehension.

"We've put up with you for long enough, Villain." The final word was spat harshly at Virgil, and seemed to have a near physical impact on him. The sword edged closer to him, blade just brushing his neck. "It's time for you to go."

He saw Logan enter the room out of the corner of his eye and sighed with relief. Surely, the logical side would put an end to this.

His relief was quickly replaces by dread as the tie-clad trait came close enough for Virgil to see the coldness in his eyes.

"Logan," He still tried cautiously, holding back a whimper as Roman's blade pressed a bit deeper into his neck drawing a few drops of. "Can you please tell Prin-" He cut the nickname off not wanting to antagonize the already furious prince. "Roman that he's being ridiculous and should put his sword away?"

The logical side raised an eyebrow, cold expression unchanged. "And why should I do that? After all, you're doing the same to me." Virgil gave him a slightly pleading look, his cool facade fading fast. "What do you mean?" Logan gave a long sigh. "It's a metaphor Anxiety. Are you not figuratively holding a sword to my throat as you cause Thomas to needlessly fret about every little thing overrunning his, well, Logic." The side gestured to himself as he came closer. Virgil felt his body start to tremble a bit.

"Patton!" He called out for the paternal side desperately. The self-proclaimed 'Dad' wouldn't stand for this, he couldn't.

The moral side trotted into the room, overlooking the situation. He gave Logan and Roman a critical look. "Now, I think you two are being a bit harsh." He motioned for the sword to be lowered which thankfully it was, Logic and Creativity stepping back as Morality stepped in front of him.

Patton began to softly dab on the small cut on his neck with a warm, wet cloth. "Thank you Patton." He said earnestly, forcing himself to meet the father figure's gaze. "Of course...but you know, they might be right."

Virgil felt his heart stutter. Patton hastened to explain. "I'm not saying this to hurt you! It's just, well, what do you really do besides make Thomas worry and miss out on life? I know you're just doing you job, but maybe some jobs...don't need doing. I'd miss you so much of course Kiddo, but maybe it would be better if you just...went away."

Virgil felt tears forming in his eyes and furiously fought against them. One or two slipped through his fight. "I thought you liked....I mean, I thought you thought I wasn't always the bad guy." Patton gave him a sad smile. "I don't. I think you're a good guy who got stuck with a bad purpose in life. That's why I know you'll have the strength to do this. Because you'll see it's for the best. You can see that...right Kiddo?"

"I...." Virgil looked down, blinking away the tears stinging his eyes. When he looked up again, he was no longer in the commons, and the others were nowhere to be found. Everything in front of him was blurry and fuzzy. He turned to look behind him and saw a deep, dark abyss that seemed to be calling for him.

"Don't you want what's best for me Virgil?" He whipped around at lightning speed as he heard his name coming from a voice he never thought would say it. It didn't sound as wonderful as he'd imagined it would, maybe because it was said in a harsh and hateful tone as opposed to the bright and kind tone he was familiar with.

From out of the blur came the clear figure of his beloved host. A hateful glare on his lovely face, directed right at Virgil.

"How do you-" "know your name? I know exactly who you are Virgil. I always have. And I hate you." Virgil wasn't bothering to fight his tears at this point, there was no use. "Why are you crying? As much as you hurt me, as much as you enjoy it. I know you hate me too."

Virgil shook his head wildly. "No! No! I don't like hurting you. I hate it. Thomas, I love you."

There was a long, torturous silence before laughter cut the air between host and trait. It wasn't the bubbly laugh that made Virgil's heart flutter and his lips unwillingly smile though, it was high, and cruel, and hollow. It’s completely devoid of the life that normally lit up Thomas' every feature.

"Love me? You love me?” This was said with a mixture of disgust, disdain, and disbelief which cut the anxious side to his very core. “That has to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard. Just look at what you do to me. What you do to everyone. You call that love? If so, then I wish you did hate me.” Thomas spat the words at the sobbing side. Virgil shakily turned back to the abyss, unable to take the look of pure hatred coming from his beloved Thomas.

He felt Thomas come up directly behind him, his breath drifting across the back of Virgil’s neck tauntingly. He’d always wanted to have his host this close to him, but not like this. He’d could almost feel the movement of Thomas’ lips as he whispered the words that had been plaguing the anxious side’s mind since his first appearance in Thomas’ ‘Taking on Anxiety’ video. “Let’s just face facts,” There was a short pause. Virgil stood shaking, leaning over the edge towards the abyss as he waited for the worst to come. “I’m better off without you.” Virgil can’t say for sure if Thomas pushed him towards the abyss or if he jumped for it. Maybe it was a bit of both.

 Virgil bolted up in bed, sweating and shaking. He felt tears immediately form in his eyes. He tried to calm himself down. Following his four, seven, eight breathing pattern. It wasn’t real. None of it was real. But it could be.

He rubbed unconsciously at the spot on his neck where the shallow cut had been in his dream. Was he really going to stick around until his dream became reality? Was he going to keep hurting Thomas? The others?

Himself?

Wouldn’t it be easier for them and him for him to just…go. No more Anxiety to stop Thomas from doing what he wants in life. No more Anxiety to get in Logic’s way, to stifle Princey’s creativity, to bring Patton’s mood down.  No more insults he has to pretend don’t hurt. No more annoyance when he shows up to ruin everything, like he always does. Just no more.

Virgil remembers when he was first formed. He was only a base instinct back then, not even a full side. He was in the dark, and he was alone. Far too deep into Thomas’ subconscious for any side, dark or light, to reach. But he wasn’t truly alone, because in the dark there was a golden strand tied to him. A feeling deep inside of him. Someone he was connected to. He knew from the moment he felt it that he must always protect the other end of that bond. The only bit of world outside the dark that he knew.

His world.

He closed his eyes and sought out that golden strand. It had become integral to him now that he was a full side. Not something he had to see constantly to know it was there. It was just as beautiful as he remembered though. Softly glowing and flowing to a tune no one could hear. He admired it, his connection to the one he loves, for a few moments. Then he cut it.

And suddenly he was back in that darkness where he hadn’t been for years. Far too deep to reach. Except this time there was no golden strand of light. No connection. No world.

He was truly alone, and he was terrified.

For the first time in his existence, he couldn’t feel Thomas’ presence and the loss is worse than he ever could have imagined.

This is for Thomas. He reminds himself. This is what is best for him. This is what he needs.  He has to remember that.

It’s the only thing that keeps him sane.

Virgil couldn’t tell you how long he was in that darkness for even if it was to save Thomas’ life. Time meant nothing and was nothing. It could have been minutes or an eternity. It was all the same.

He expected it to be how he spent the rest of his life, alone in the dark. 

(END OF SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING)

He didn’t expect the others to come after him. 

But they did. 

And they accepted him, Thomas accepted him. It was more than he ever could have hoped for and he felt the need to give them something in return so he had. His name. For a moment, he’d thought he’d made a huge mistake but then Thomas had said he thought it was an awesome name and the others had all liked it too.

Roman bringing up ‘the others’ hadn’t even been enough to dampen his good mood. He knew it would be an issue eventually, but for once he was willing to just let it go and enjoy this moment. It couldn’t possibly get any better.

But then Thomas thanked him, and called him a good guy, and he smiled. Directly. At. Virgil. A smile meant just for him. He didn’t trust himself not to blurt out his love if he opened his mouth right then so he’d just smiled back and gave his signature salute as he sunk out.

He couldn’t stop himself from hoping that it was only the first smile of many.

  Virgil is not having a very good day.

His anxiety is up for no discernable reason, and everything just seems off and wrong and he’s far too edgy.

To top it all of, he’d broken his favorite pair of headphones when he’d fallen asleep last night listening to music and slept on them wrong. So not only did he have broken headphones, he also had a sharp pain in his neck.

Sure, he'd just conjured up a new pair of headphones, but it wasn't the same as his favorite pair. He couldn't quite explain it. This of course only caused further irritation for him.   

He is sitting on his bed and trying to work through his breathing exercises while absentmindedly rubbing at his sore neck when he hears a soft knock on his door. He isn't particularly in the mood to deal with anyone right now but he also isn't particularly in the mood to be alone and if his mind could just make up it's damn mind that would be great.

"Come in." He calls out, hoping his visitor won't want anything too effort consuming from him. He's a bit surprised but happy to see his host enter his room with a soft smile on his face. "Hey Virgil, how's it going?" Virgil gives a noncommittal shrug. "Okay I guess. Did you need something?" Thomas shakes his head as he sits down on the edge of Virgil's bed. "Nothing in particular just thought I'd come hang with you if that's alright." Virgil feels a bit of his tension seep away as he gives Thomas a smile. He scoots over on the bed to make room for the YouTuber to sit beside him which Thomas instantly moves to do.

"Thanks. Your eyeshadow looks really good today by the way." He can't help but cast an odd glace at his companion. He doesn't think his eyeshadow looks any different from normal. "Really, it makes your eyes stand out. They look wonderful."

Virgil can feel a blush coloring his cheeks. He knows he and Thomas technically have the same eyes but he's always thought the host's were so much more beautiful. So warm and bright and passionate. Hearing the other compliment his is not something he really knows how to respond to. "Thank you...so do yours." He replies uncertainly, not quite meeting his host's gaze. "Thank you." Thomas laughs a little as he responds which is not helping Virgil's blush.

"So why hang out with me and not one of the others?" Virgil asks, as he tries to bring his face back to a normal temperature again. "I just wanted to hang out with you today. Besides, I don't know about the others but when I passed by Patton and Emile on the way here, they were in the middle of a staring contest over the last cookie. Whoever wins gets to give the other the cookie. It looked serious." Virgil can't help but laugh as his mind easily conjures up an image of the two bubbly men locked in battle. Thomas smiles at him, bringing his mind back to his room. "You have such a beautiful laugh. I wish you would laugh more often."

What. Is. HAPPENING?

His blush is back full force now as he ducks his head. He lets out a wince and reaches up to rub his neck, now aching worse from how he jerked it. "Are you okay?" Thomas asked, concern coloring his voice. "I just slept on my neck wrong." He lets his hand drop and tries not to let out an audible sigh of relief at the change in subject. "Oh, well here." His relief fades instantly to be replaced by a tangle of feelings as Thomas reaches behind him and gently starts rub the muscles in his neck, easing the soreness. His fingers are cool and soothing against Virgil's heated skin.

"Is this okay?" The host asks as he continues to work out the tension in the anxious side's neck. Not able to trust his voice at the moment, Virgil nodded quickly. As much as this was wreaking havoc on his racing heart, he wasn't willing to reject Thomas' touch. It felt far too good.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Thomas broke it. "I really like spending time with you Virgil. I think we should spend time together more often." Virgil's eyes go wide. "Y-yeah?" He curses the slight stutter in his voice. "Yeah, but like specifically. You know planned. At a certain time. Like maybe this Friday at around eight. Sound good?" Thomas sounds a bit nervous and Virgil can feel a flutter of nerves from his host.

He moves reluctantly away from his host and scrutinizes him. He can't fathom exactly what is going on. Was his host trying to set him up for something? He knew Thomas and the others liked to play pranks sometimes, and he enjoyed retaliating in kind, that must be it. But this seemed a bit too obvious. He’d thought his host had more subtlety than this.

“I really don’t think that would be a good idea for me.” He tests cautiously, wondering what excuse the YouTuber will come up with. To his surprise Thomas instead deflated, a look of pain crossing his face before quickly being replaced by a forced smile. “Okay. I understand. We’re still…we’re good right?” Virgil was confused and just wanted to get the hurt out of his host’s eyes. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?” He hesitantly gives Thomas a hug and some of the hurt seems to dissipate, though not all of it. His smile becomes a bit more genuine as he hugs back. “Thanks Virgil, you are awesome. I’ll see you later okay?” Virgil nods with confusion as Thomas leaves his room, feeling and emptiness as the door shuts and he’s alone again. He doesn’t understand.

How did he mess up this time?

  Thomas is furiously trying not to cry.

Virgil had rejected him, there was no mistaking that. He shouldn’t be this upset. Virgil hadn’t been unkind to him. He’d even hugged him without seeming uncomfortable with him at all.

But it still hurt.

He explained this to the other sides after they found him and Patton had helped calm him down.

“I’m so sorry Kiddo, I really thought….” Patton didn’t finish his sentence, instead letting it hang in the air between them. An unsure Logan was rubbing circles into his back, and Thomas made sure to give him a grateful look to let him know he was doing a good job. Roman however had stood up, passionately pacing the floor.

“This makes no sense. Every sign pointed to a great and powerful romance. The sunshine and the night sky, a beautiful but mysterious love. How could it go so wrong? I must know." Roman was leaving the room before Thomas even had a chance to register his words. “No Roman! Don’t bug him about it! Leave him be, it’s his choice!” Roman called back to him while sashaying down the hallway. “Don’t worry, I’ll be subtle.”

Thomas groaned and put his head in his arms. “You think he’ll really be subtle?” Logan gave him a pitying glance. “Thomas, I love him, really. But he asked me out by having two dozen hot air balloons each with a letter spelling ‘Will you go out with me Logan?’ float in front of me while he serenaded me with a mariachi band for back up. And later he told me that he toned it down since he knew I wasn’t the biggest fan of dramatics.”

“Oh geez.”

  Roman stalked through the halls of the mind palace with purpose. Love was at stake here. He had to find their resident sliver of moonlight and figure out what had gone wrong in their plans to set him and Thomas up for an epic romance.

Turns out, finding Virgil wasn’t going to be too hard because he literally ran right into him. After catching the other side and righting them both on their feet he began his subtle inquisition. “Virgil, I wish to speak to you about what happened between you and Thomas that soiled your great lo-“ He was cut off by the anxious emo. “Did Thomas talk to you? Is he mad at me? He seemed mad. Or hurt. Or I don’t know. What did I do wrong? Should I have just played along?”

Roman frowned at what he was hearing. “Just played along, there is no playing along when it comes to this sort of thing Virgil. For-“ He was cut off again. “Well, I didn’t mean to ruin his prank, he was just being so obvious about it. I mean I would have expected that from you, but he’s usually way better than that.” Roman is indignant. “I will have you know that I am a master of subtle-wait what do you mean prank?”

“It was kind of obvious. He asked me to hang out with him, at a specific time. All planned out. And it’s been awhile since our last prank war. And you guys can actually get me now that you figured out my weakness. I still find glitter places sometimes.” Roman smiled at the memory of their first successful prank on Virgil before his frown returns. “Wait, you think that….but….you’re usually so good at picking up on things.” Virgil frowns. “What do you mean?” Roman bites his lip, unwilling to directly betray Thomas’ trust, Thomas deserved to confess to Virgil himself.

“Nothing. I’ll talk to Thomas Virgil. Don’t you worry.” Virgil gives him a smile. “Thanks Princey. I’m going to see if I can sneak Patton’s recipe for Thomas’ favorite cookies, mine won’t be as good as his but I thought they would sweeten my apology a bit.” Roman sighs, shaking his head and smiling. “Don’t let Patton hear you making a pun like that of your own accord, he may start crying from joy and hugging you and then you’ll never escape to make cookies.” Virgil laughed. “Too true. You better not tell him.” Roman mimed sealing his lips before opening his mouth again. “And You don’t need to apologize to Thomas, but have fun making the cookies, I’m sure he’ll love them anyway.” Virgil nods and heads towards the kitchen.

Time to go inform the rest of the matchmaking team that Virgil can apparently be just as much of a clueless moron as he accuses them of being sometimes.

  It’s late at night, long after Roman had returned and told his story. After a long discussion over what Thomas should do next that really got them absolutely nowhere. After the others had headed off to sleep for the night, wishing Thomas sweet dreams and good luck. After hours of just sitting here on his bed, still in his day clothes, marveling at how someone who can usually pick up on the smallest details so easily could possibly miss something so big.

And he hates that the hope is rekindled in his heart. He tries to squash it down. For all he knows, Virgil really doesn’t like him. But there’s still a chance. So the hope rises up against Thomas’ will.

But he can’t keep going on like this. Clearly it wasn’t working and it was only going to end up doing damage to himself or Virgil or both. It was time to face his anxiety (figuratively and literally) and put his feelings out in the open and hope for the best. Whatever became of that had to be better than this constant state of unknowing. And Virgil was too good and cared about him too much to let it come between them if he doesn’t like Thomas, he has to believe that.

Perhaps it’s time for him to take a leaf out of Roman’s book of ‘subtlety’ though maybe not quite so dramatic.

He thinks on it for a while. Scrapping many ideas before coming up with the perfect plan to confess his feelings. One with no room for misunderstanding. He looks around for his box with old stationary in it. He sifts through the various papers before finding one with a Halloween theme he is sure Virgil will like. He throws the box aside and sits back down on his bed, grabbing a book to write on from his nightstand.

It’s time to go back to the basics.