#so you get steamrolled anyway. pretty lame

[cemeterywretch]

being a self-inflicted video game difficulty snob is such a fucking curse, like i am constantly telling people to try a lower difficulty if they're not having fun with a game but i am like completely incapable of taking my own advice. i'm playing through pathfinder wrath of the righteous and i got stuck on a spot where i was forced after like two hours of repeated attempts to take the difficulty off of core rules to progress, and i feel so shit about it that i feel the need to start the whole game over and build my girl better as penance.

[patolemus]

Wip Sunday

Got tagged a while ago by the wonderful @dontcallpanic @hedwig221b @gege-wondering-around and @endwersed (sorry this took me so long y'all it's been a tough week) so here you have another snippet from my time travel au

As he waits for class to start, Stiles takes out his phone. He’s got no new messages after the one from Vinny confirming Deucalion and his pack left town Saturday morning, and that Kali and Ennis were getting ready to do the same. Since no werewolves have started banging at his doorstep demanding he reveal what he’s doing in Beacon Hills, and hunters haven’t stuffed him full of arrows, Stiles considers the whole ordeal a success. A job well done, all in all.

There’s only one little thing that keeps nagging at Stiles, an ache in the back of the head.

But before he can get onto that little piece of information, the desk in front of him rattles with the sudden weight thrown on it. Stiles looks up instantly, lookingassessingmeasuring the personthingthreat. Maybe a harpy? A wendigo on the loose?

It’s Laura Hale. Stiles thinks he prefers the wendigo.

“Hey, Myca! How are you? You weren’t here last Friday, right? That was a bummer, I was going to invite you to hang out at the movies with a few friends, but I didn’t catch you all day,” she says, barely stopping to take a breath. Stiles wonders if this is what it feels like when he steamrolls over people with his words, and if so how is it that no one ever actually taped his mouth shut, because it’s kind of overwhelming.

Then again, maybe that’s the panic attack building up in the pit of his stomach. Who knows?

Why is it that no matter how much he tries to avoid the Hales, they end up finding him anyway? Stiles had never meant for them to even know his name, and now both of them have talked to him.

He misses Scott. Scott would know what to do, he’d be a gentle buffer between him and the Hales, would soak up the social interactions while Stiles panics in peace.

But Scott isn’t here. His Scott is dead, and in his place there’s an eight year old, and he’s not. Here.

Stiles still hasn’t learned to live without him. He dreads the day he finally does.

Laura is still looking at him, expectant. It takes Stiles a moment to realize she’s waiting for him to provide her with a real answer for her question.

Ah, shit. How is he supposed to not-explain that he was out in the distillery near the preserve watching a showdown between werewolves and hunters, threatening a few Alphas with murder and basically creeping on every supernaturally inclined individuals in town?

Yeah, Stiles thinks the fuck not.

“I had a few things to take care of. My dad—” he allows his throat to close up, remembering his dad and the awful fate that befell him. Stiles feels dirty for using the memory of his dead father to trick Laura, but it works out almost too well. Immediately, her face shifts from an invasively curious one to a sympathetic, pitying expression. Stiles has to hold back the urge to tell her to save her pity for herself, since she’s going to need it much more than he does if his plan doesn’t work. “Anyways, it was best if I didn’t come,” he finishes lamely.

Laura just stares at him for a moment, making Stiles want to fidget on his seat. While her gaze don’t inspire the same trepidation Derek’s did, it’s just as intense. Stiles remembers that was a trait both Derek and Cora shared, and now he’s guessing it’s a family thing. Her green eyes are nowhere near as pretty as Derek’s, but nonetheless Stiles fears they may be able to peer into his soul and find all of his secrets.

Stiles looks away before she does. It seems like the only thing he can do when it comes to the Hales.

“That’s alright, then,” there is a certain softness in Laura’s voice that makes Stiles want to scream. He says nothing. “Hey, do you want to go to the lacrosse game this Friday? It’s the last game before winter break, and everyone in school is going,” she swiftly changes the subject, and while the soft part of Stiles appreciates it, he can’t help but curse the particular topic she chose.

Seriously, what is it that the Hales find so interesting about him? Stiles never got this kind of attention from anyone in school before. In fact, people actively avoided him because he talked too much and couldn't stop moving and would go on about weird shit. Also because of his unfortunate stunt as a child delinquent who went about breaking people's noses when they pissed him off. And Stiles avoided them right back, since most people didn’t interest him enough. Without Scott, Stiles would be a loner by definition.

Yet here he is, with Laura Hale flashing her almost-too-toothy grin at him.

Laura is the best, I love her. Not a lot of sterek on this one but I thought I'd share a little of what Stiles gets up to when he's not too busy daydreaming about Derek hehe. No pressure tagging @hedwig221b @dontcallpanic @salty-fryingpan @novasillies @oldefashioned @fuji09 @endwersed @gege-wondering-around and @kittykatstiles sorry again that this took so long, uni is unsurprisingly kicking my ass

[snake-rot]

(EXCLAIMING)

(ORCHESTRA MUSIC BLARING)

(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTING)

(MYSTICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANS)

(COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHS)

Sweet home Alabama

Where the skies are so blue

WOMAN: Excuse me, sir, is there a commode?

Sweet home Alabama

(GRUNTING)

Lord, I'm coming home to you

(GRUNTS) Justin!

Quick, honey, take my picture. I got the pyramid in my hand.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Yeah

Justin, you get back here right now!

No, stop!

GUARD 1: No, no, no! Stop him! GUARD 2: Go back! Don't climb!

(JUSTIN IMITATING AIRPLANE WHOOSHING)

Wait, wait.

Hold on. Easy, little boy.

Okay, stop, child! Stop right there. No!

(GASPS)

No, no, no, no, no! Oh! There he goes.

(GASPS)

Justin!

I've got him! I've got him!

(JUSTIN GRUNTS)

(AIR ESCAPING)

Outrage in Egypt tonight as it was discovered

that the Great Pyramid of Giza had been stolen

and replaced by a giant inflatable replica.

There is panic throughout the globe as countries and citizens

try to protect their beloved landmarks.

Law enforcement still has no leads,

leaving everyone to wonder, which of the world's villains

is responsible for this heinous crime?

And where will he strike next?

Gru: Freeze ray! Freeze ray! Freeze ray! [laughs evilly] Fred: Morning, Gru! How you doing? Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard, and I don't appreciate it. Fred: Sorry. You know dogs. They go wherever they wanna go. Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] I'm joking! Although, it is true. Anyway, have a good one. Fred: Okay. Yeah. Steamrolling whatever Gru: [groans] You've got to be pulling on my leg! Margo: Hello! Cookies for sale. Gru: Go away. I'm not home. Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you. Gru: [gasps] No, you didn't. This... [monotone] is a recording. Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't. Gru: Yes, it is. [o.s.] Watch this. Leave a message, beep. [Edith kicks the door] Gru: Ow! Agnes: Goodbye, recorded message. Margo: [o.s.] Agnes, come on. Gru: Huh? [screams] Kyle! Bad dog! No! No, no. Sit. My muffin. Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru: Ah, Dr. Nefario. Dr. Nefario: I know how you must be feeling. I, too, have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you will always be one of the greats. Gru: What? What happened? Dr. Nefario: It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a pyramid. They're saying he makes all other villains look... lame. pause Gru: Assemble the minions! [throws Kyle off of his arm] Minions, assemble! Minion: Okay. Okay. Hey! Gru: Looking good, Kevin! How is the family? Good? All right. That's my Billy boy! What up, Larry? Hello, everybody! Yeah, all right! Simmer down. Simmer down! Thank you, okay. Now, I realize that you guys probably heard about this other villain who stole the pyramids. Apparently, it's a big deal. People are calling it the crime of the century and stuff like that. But am I upset? No, I am not! A little, but we have had a pretty good year ourselves, and you guys are all right in my book. Minion: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Gru: No, no raises! You're not going to get any raises. What did we do? Well, we stole the Times Square JumboTron! Nice! That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching football on that, huh? But that's not all. We stole the Statue of Liberty, the small one from Las Vegas. And I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower! Also Vegas. Okay, I wasn't going to tell you about this yet, but I have been working on something very big! Something that will blow this pyramid thing out of the water! And thanks to the efforts of my good friend Dr. Nefario... Dr. Nefario: Thank you! Gru: There he is. He's stylin'. Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the 'true crime of the century. We are going to steal... The Minions all pull out their weapons in response. Gru: Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet. One of the Minions, Dave, shoots his rocket launcher at a crowd of Minions. Gru: Hey. Dave, listen up, please! Dave: Ditto. One of the Minions Dave shot walks over to him and punches him on the shoulder. Gru: Next, we are going to steal, pause for effect, the moon! The Minions cheer in response. Gru: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back! And I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. [picks up his phone] Yes? Dr. Nefario: Hello, Gru? I've been crunching some numbers, and I really don't see how we can afford this. It can't be done. I'm not a miracle worker. Gru:Hey, chillax. I'll just get another loan from the bank. They love me! Margo: Edith, stop it! Edith: What? I'm just walking. Girls: Hi, Miss Hattie. We're back. Miss Hattie: Hello, girls! Agnes: Anybody come to adopt us while we were out? Miss Hattie: Hmm... Let me think. No! Edith immediately puts a mud pie on Miss Hattie's desk, much to her displeasure. Miss Hattie: Edith! What did you put on my desk? Edith: A mud pie. Miss Hattie: [sighs] You're never gonna get adopted, Edith. You know that, don't you? Edith: Yeah, I know. Miss Hattie: Good. So, how did it go, girls? Did we meet our quotas? Margo: Hmm... Sorta. We sold 43 mini-mints, 30 choco-swirlies and 18 coco-nutties. Miss Hattie: [gets up] Okay.

Well, you say that like it's a great sale day. [furious] Look at my face! Do you still think it's a great sale day? Edith rolls her eyes in response. Miss Hattie: [hangs up a portrait] Eighteen coco-nutties. I think we can do a little better than that, don't you? Yeah. We wouldn't want to spend the weekend in the Box of Shame, would we? No. Girls: No, Miss Hattie. Miss Hattie: Okay, good. Off you go. Go clean something of mine. Girls: Hi, Penny. Penny: Hi, guys. Gru: Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but... Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [Gru sighs in disgust] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful? [laughs] Gru: Just so you know, Mom, I am about to do something that's very, very big, very important. When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud. Gru's Mom: Ha! [sarcastically] Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here. [hangs up the phone before sending her karate instructor flying] Gru: Gru to see Mr Perkins Receptionist: Yes, please have a seat. Neil Armstrong: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Young Gru: Ma, someday I'm going to go to the moon. Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, Son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys any more. Vector: Hey. I'm applying for a new villain loan. Go by the name of Vector. It's a mathematical term, a quantity represented by an arrow, with both direction and magnitude. Vector! That's me, 'cause I'm committing crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh, yeah! Check out my new weapon. Piranha gun! Oh, yes! Fires live piranhas. Ever seen one before? No, you haven't. I invented it. Do you want a demonstration? Shoot! So difficult, sometimes, to get the piranha back inside of my... Receptionist: Mr Gru, Mr Perkins will see you now. Gru: So, all I need is money from the bank to build a rocket. And then, the moon is ours. Perkins: Wow! Well, very nice presentation. I'd like to see this shrink ray. Gru: Absolutely! Will do. Soon as I have it. Perkins: You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money? Gru: Apparently. Perkins: Do you have any idea of the capital that this bank has invested in you, Gru? With far too few of your sinister plots actually turning a profit. How can I put it? Let's say this apple is you. If we don't start getting our money back... Get the picture? Look, Gru, the point is, there are a lot of new villains out there, younger than you, hungrier than you, younger than you. Like that young fellow out there named Vector. He just stole a pyramid! Gru: I've got it. I've got it. So, as far as getting money for the rocket... Perkins: Get the shrink ray, then we'll talk. Minion: Suckers! Suckers! Gru: We got it! What? Hey! Hey! What! Hey! No, no, no! You! Vectors: Now, maybe you'll think twice before you freeze someone's head! So long, Gru! Gru: Quick! We can't let him get away! Up ahead! Up ahead! Fire! Fire, now! Vector: You missed me! Gru: Come to papa! Take that. Vector: How adorable. Gru: Got you in our sights! Like taking candy from a... What? Vector: Hey, Gru! Try this on for size! Gru: That's weird. What is going... This is claustrophobic! No, no, no! Too small! This is too small for me! [groans] I hate that guy. Margo: ...and please watch over us, and bless that we'll have a good night's sleep. Edith: And bless that while we're sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains. Margo: Great. Thanks for that image, Edith. Agnes: And please bless that someone will adopt us soon, and that the mommy and daddy will be nice and have a pet unicorn. Amen. Margo/Edith: Amen. Agnes: Unicorns, I love them Unicorns, I love them Uni, uni, unicorns I love them Uni, unicorns, I could pet one If they were really real And they are So, I bought one so I could pet it Now it loves me Now I love it Gru: Don't you... What the... Good luck, little girls! Edith: Whoa! Cool. Margo: Hi! We're orphans from Miss Hattie's Home for Girls. Vector: I don't care. Beat it! Margo: Come on! We're selling

cookies so, you know, we can have a better future. Vector: Wait, wait! Do you have coco-nutties? Margo: Yeah. Gru: Light bulb. Dr Nefario! I'm going to need a dozen tiny robots disguised as cookies! Dr. Nefario: What? Gru: Cookie robots! Dr. Nefario: Who is this? - Gru: Oh, forget it. Mrs. Hattie: Well, it appears you have cleared our background check, Dr Gru. And I see you have made a list of some of your personal achievements. Thank you for that. I love reading. And I see you have been given the Medal of Honor and a knighthood. - Minions: Me, me, me. Me, me, me. Minion: Kevin? Mrs. Hattie: You had your own cooking show and you can hold your breath for 30 seconds? It's not that impressive. Minion: Idiot! - Minions: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Mrs Hattie: What in the name of... What? Gru: Well, here's the dealio. Things have been so lonely since my wife, Debbie, passed on. It's like my heart is a tooth, and it's got a cavity that can only be filled with children. I'm sorry. You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish? Mrs. Hattie: Do I look like I speak Spanish? Gru: You have a face como un burro. Mrs. Hattie: Well, thank you! Gru: Anyway, can we proceed with this adoption? So, so excited! Mrs. Hattie: Please tell Margo, Edith and Agnes to come to the lobby. Margo: I bet the mom is beautiful! Edith: I bet the daddy's eyes sparkle. Agnes: I bet their house is made of Gummi Bears. [Edith and Margo look at her curiously] I'm just saying it'd be nice. [picks up a Cheeto] Aww. My caterpillar never turned into a butterfly. Edith: That's a Cheeto. Agnes: Oh... [eats said Cheeto, making Edith and Margo recoil in disgust] Miss Hattie: Well, Debbie was a very lucky woman. [pause] Gru: Who's Debbie? Mrs Hattie: Your wife. Hi, girls! Girls, I want you to meet Mr Gru. He's going to adopt you. And he's a dentist! Agnes: Yeah! Margo: Hi. I'm Margo. This is Edith. And that's Agnes. Agnes: [sing-song] I got your leg, I got your leg! Gru: Okay, that is enough, little girl. Let go of my leg. Come on. You can do it. Agnes: Higher! Higher! Gru: Just release your grip. Wow! How do you remove them? Is there a command? Some nonstick spray? Crowbar? [sighs] Okay, girls, let's go. [They drove off in the distance.]Vector: Uh-huh! Oh, yeah! Pretty impressive! What are you looking at? Boo-ya! You got shrunk, tiny mouthwash! Take that! You done been shrunk! (His phone rings) Yello? I got the shrink ray, all right. No, I'm not playing with it. Gru? Don't make me laugh! No. P.S., he is not getting the moon, and P.P.S., by the time I'm done with him, he's gonna be begging for mercy. (Shrinks a toilet) Okay, bye. (Hangs up) Look at you, a little tiny toilet for a little tiny baby to... [The toilet pops out and water sprays him.]Vector: Curse you, tiny toilet! [Gru and the Girls arrive at Gru's Home.] Gru: "Okay, here we are. Home sweet home. Margo: So... This is, like, your house? [realizing] Wait a sec... You're the guy who pretended he was a recorded message! Gru: No, that was someone else. [Margo gives a skeptical look before she, Edith and Agnes enter Gru's house, with Gru following suite.] Agnes: [scared] Can I hold your hand? Gru: Uh... No. Edith: [looks around] When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this'd be more like "Annie". Gru: No, hey! [screams] Kyle, these are not treats. These are guests. Girls, this is Kyle, my... Dog. Kyle snarls in anger. Agnes: Ooh! Fluffy doggy! [approaches Kyle before he runs away, much to her disappointment] Margo: What kind of dog is that? Gru: He is a... I don't know. Margo: Do you really think that this is an appropriate place for little kids? 'Cause, uh... It's not. [Edith sees a closet that is sharp and goes in it.] Gru: No! No! Stay away from there! It's frag... [He sees juice spilling on the floor.]Both: (Gasps) Gru: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two. Edith: [muffled] Hey! It's dark in here. [Gru opens the iron maiden, revealing Edith, who spits out a straw]Edith: It poked a hole in my juice box. [They went to the

kitchen.] Gru: As you can see, I have provided everything a child might need. All right. Okay. As I was saying... (Edith knocked a bottle down) Gru: (Cont'd) Hey! Oh. Edith: Somebody broke that. Gru: "Okay, okay. Clearly, we need to set some rules. Rule number one. You will not touch anything. Margo: Uh-huh. What about the floor? Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor. Margo: What about the air? Gru: Yes, you may touch the air! Edith: (Gets out a laser gun) What about this? Gru: (Screams) Where did you get that? Edith: [shrugs] Found it. Gru: Okay. Rule number two. You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three. You will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or burp or fart! So, no, no, no annoying sounds. All right? Agnes: Does this count as annoying? [popping] Gru: Very! [sighs] I will see you in six hours. Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything's going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right? Agnes? Gru: Question. What are these? Dr. Nefario: A dozen boogie robots! Boogie! Look at this. Watch me! Gru: Cookie robots. I said cookie robots. Why are you so old? Dr. Nefario: Okay. I'm on it. Margo: Hello? Agnes: TV! Margo: What is that? Edith: Whoa! That is cool! Come on! Agnes: I don't think he's a dentist.Dr. Nefario: We've been working on this for a while. It's a anti-gravity serum. I meant to close that. He'll be all right, I'm sure. Gru: Do the effects wear off? Dr. Nefario: So far, no. No, they don't. And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered. Gru: No, no. I said "dart gun," not... Okay. Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering under what circumstances would we use this? But, anyway. What I really wanted to show you was this. Gru: Now those are cookie robots! Agnes: La, la, la, la I love unicorns Gru: What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the kitchen! Margo: We got bored. What is this place? Edith: Can I drink this? Dr. Nefario: Do you want to explode? [Edith kicks him in the shin] Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru: Get back in the kitchen! Agnes: Will you play with us? Gru: No. Agnes: Why? Gru: Because I'm busy. Margo: [scoffs] Doing what? Gru: Umm... Okay, okay, you got me. The dentist thing is more of a hobby. In real life, I am a spy. And it is top secret, and you may not tell anybody, because if you do... Edith: What does this do? [She fires a laser and it hits Agnes's unicorn and it burns to ashes]Gru: Hey! Edith: Whoops. Agnes: My unicorn! You have to fix it. Gru: Fix it? Look, it has been disintegrated. By definition, it cannot be fixed. [Agnes gasps in shock, then starts holding her breath] Gru: That's freaking me out. What is she doing? Margo: She's gonna hold her breath until she gets a new one. Gru: [sighs] It is just a toy. Now stop it! (Agnes faints) Gru: Okay, okay! I'll fix it! Tim! Mark! Phil! This is very important. You have to get the little girl a new unicorn toy. Gru: Hey, hey, hey! A toy! Go, and hurry! What are those? Gru: They are my... Cousins. Jerry! Stuart! Watch them and keep them away from me please. [The three minions put on a disguise and head to the store.]Minions: Wow!- Wow! [Meanwhile the two minions and the girls are tossing toilet paper at each other. Gru comes up and he sees the Girls and the two minions having fun.]Edith: It was your cousin's idea. Jerry: What? Gru: Okay, bedtime. Girls: Aww... Minions: Aww... Gru: Not you two! Minions: Yay. Gru: Okey-dokey. Beddie-bye. All tucked in. Sweet dreams. Margo: Just so you know, you're never gonna be my dad. Gru: I think I can live with that. Edith: Are these beds made out of bombs? Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn. Edith: "Cool." Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story?" Gru: No. Agnes: But we can't go to sleep without a bedtime story. Gru: Well, then it's going to be a long night for you, isn't it? So, good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. Because there are literally thousands of them. And there's probably something in your closet. Margo: He's just kidding, Agnes. Agnes: It's beautiful. Gru: Girls, let's go.

Time to deliver the cookies! Margo: Okay. But first, we're going to dance class. Gru: Actually, we're going to have to skip the dance class today. Margo: Actually, we can't skip the dance class today. We have a big recital coming up. We're doing an excerpt from Swan Lake. Agnes: Yeah, Swan Lake! Gru: That's fantastic. Wonderful. But we're going to deliver cookies! Come on! Margo: No. Gru: No? Margo: We're not going to deliver cookies until we do dance class. Really? Gru: Well, I am not driving you to dance class. So if you want to go, you are going to have to walk yourselves. What are you doing? Margo: Walking to dance class. Gru: Ya? Okay, fine. You just keep walking, because I'm really not driving you! Margo: Okay. Gru: You're going to suffer the wrath of Gru! Seriously, I'm going to count to three! And you had better be in this car! Here we go! One! Two! Teacher: ...three, four and five. And lift, and stretch. And one, and two... Agnes: Here you go. Gru: What is it? Agnes: Your ticket to the dance recital. You are coming, right? Gru: Of course, of course. I have pins and needles that I'm sitting on. Agnes: Pinkie promise? Gru: Oh, yes. My pinkie promises. All right. Our first customer is a man named Vector. Margo: But he's a V. You know, we're supposed to start with the A's. Then we go to the B's. Then we... Gru: Yes, yes! I went to kindergarten. I know how the alphabet works! I was just thinking that it might be nice to deliver Mr Vector's first. That is all. Almost over. It's almost over. Vector: Girls, welcome back to the fortress of Vector-tude! Do you have my cookies for me? Margo: Four boxes of mini-mints, two toffee totes, two caramel clumpies and fifteen boxes of coco-nutties. Vector: Exactly. I'd like to see somebody else order that many cookies. Not likely. Name one person who ordered more cookies than me. Margo: That'll be $52. Vector: Right. Seven, eight, nine... Tic Tacs! Where was I? Seven, eight, nine... Agnes: Why are you wearing pyjamas? Vector: These aren't pyjamas! This is a warm-up suit. Edith: What are you warming up for? Vector: Stuff. Agnes: What sort of stuff? Vector: Super-cool stuff you wouldn't understand. Agnes: Like sleeping? Vector: They are not pyjamas! Here you go, 52 big ones. Bye! Gru: Come on! Vector: What the...? Quiet down, fish. Down, boy!Gru: [laughs] We did it! Come on, girls, let's go! Margo: But what about the other people who ordered cookies? Gru: Life is full of disappointments... For some people. [chuckles ominously] Agnes: (Screams) Gru: Don't do that! Agnes: Super Silly Fun Land! Can we go? Please? Gru: No. Edith: But we've never been. And it's the funnest place on earth! Gru: "Don't care." Girls: Please? Please? We'll never ask for anything else, ever again! Pretty please? Please? Come on! Come on! Gru: "Light bulb." Edith: Come on! Gru: "Goodbye, have fun. [He began to leave. But a attendant of the roller coaster stopped him.]Carnival Ride Worker: Sorry, dude. They can't ride without an adult. Gru: What? [groans] [Soon Gru gets sick from the roller coaster ride.]Agnes: Oh, my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! Margo: You've gotta let us play for it! Gru: No, no, no. Agnes: Come on! Gru: How much for the fluffy unicorn?Carnival Barker: Well, it is not for sale. But all you gotta do to win it is knock down that little spaceship there. It's easy! Agnes: Yay! Again! Margo: Wait! Edith: Come on. One more time! Agnes: Just one more. I accidentally closed my eyes. I hit it! I hit it! Edith: That was cool. Awww. Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.Carnival Barker: Hey, buddy, let me explain something to you. You see that little tin spaceship? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Somebody's got a frowny face. Boo! Better luck next time! Gru: Okay, my turn. [Gru uses a fire gun and it blows up the whole booth.]Gru: "Knocked over!" Agnes: It's so fluffy! Yeah! Margo: That was

awesome! Edith: You blew up the whole thing! Agnes: Let's go. Let's try another game!Dr. Nefario: Gru, do you mind if I have a quick word? Gru: Okay, girls, go play. I got the shrink ray! Cotton candy! Dr. Nefario: We have 12 days until the moon is in optimum position. We can't afford any distractions! Gru: Get me Perkins. Sorry to bother you, Mr Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see this! Mr. Perkins: What? Well done, Gru. Rather impressive.Gru: Now, the rest of the plan is simple. I fly to the moon. I shrink the moon. I grab the moon. I sit on the toi-let. What? (girls start laughing) Sorry. Sorry! Could you excuse me for just one second? I told you not to touch my things. I told you, I told you. I've told you a thousand times. Margo: Hey, can we order pizza? Gru: Pizza? You just had lunch. Edith: Not now, for dinner. Gru: Dinner? Just... Fine, fine, fine, whatever. Just get back in there! Margo: Can we get stuffed crust? Agnes and Jerry: Stuffed crust!Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust! Agnes: [giggles] You're funny! Gru: Just don't come out of that room again! All right. Sorry about that. Where were we? Mr. Perkins: You were sitting on the toilet. Gru: No, no, no! No, I'm sorry. It was a little attempt at humor. I know how much you like to laugh... [Mr. Perkins glares at him] Inside. Eh, now, I was saying... [the door suddenly opens] You don't seem terribly focused, Gru. Believe me, I am completely focused. Right? Edith: Hello! Mr. Perkins: What? Edith: That guy is huge! Agnes: Are we on TV? Mr. Perkins: What are those? Children?Gru: What are you doing? I told you to stay out of here! No, no, no! *Agnes: Freeze ray!Mr. Perkins: Mr Gru? Gru: Okay. As I was saying... Mr. Perkins: No need to continue. I've seen quite enough. Gru: But my plan... Mr. Perkins: Is a great plan. I love everything about your plan, except for one thing. You. Young Gru: Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon! Look, Mom, I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni! Look, Mom, I made a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype! Gru: I don't understand. Mr. Perkins: Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a... Well, a younger villain. Gru: But I... Mr. Perkins: It's over. Goodbye, Gru. Gru: Now, I know there have been some rumours going around that the bank is no longer funding us. Well, I am here to put those rumours to rest. They are true. In terms of money, we have no money. So how will we get to the moon? The answer is clear. We won't. We are doomed. Now would probably be a good time to look for other employment options. I know. I have fired up my resume as I suggest that all of you do, as well. What is it? Can't you see that I am in the middle of a pep talk? Yes! Yes, we will build our own rocket using this and whatever else we can find! Grab everything! Hit the junkyards! Take apart the cars! Who needs the bank? Let's go. Let's go! Mom! What are you doing here? Gru's Mom: And here he is in the bathtub. Look at his little buns. Gru: Mom. Not cool. Gru's Mom: And here, he's all dressed up in his Sunday best. Margo: He looks like a girl! Gru's Mom: Yes, he does. An ugly girl! Agnes: You're funny! Edith: Yes! Mine's shaped like a dead guy! Receptionist: Mr. Perkins, your son is here. Mr. Perkins: Send him in. Vector: Hey, Dad. You wanted to see me? Mr. Perkins: Yes, I did, Victor. - Vector: I am not Victor anymore. Victor was my nerd name. Now I am Vector! Mr. Perkins: Sit down. Do you know where the shrink ray is? Vector: Duh! Back at my place. Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? That's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that looks exactly like it! Vector: What the...?! Those girls sold me cookies! Mr. Perkins: Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be? I give you the opportunity of a lifetime, and you just blow it! Vector: No, I didn't. Mr. Perkins: Oh, really?Vector: You just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon. Squid-launcher! Oh, yeah! Man:

There's a squid on my face!Vector: Don't worry. The moon is as good as ours. Gru: Come on now, it's bedtime. Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell. Let me smell. You did not! Put on your PGs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it! Edith: But we're not tired! Gru: Well, I am tired. Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story? [pause] Gru: No. Agnes: Pretty please? Gru: The physical appearance of the "please" makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep. Edith: But we can't. We're all hyper! Margo: And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you. All night long. Gru: [sighs] Fine. All right, all right. Sleepy Kittens. Sleepy Kittens? What are these? Agnes: Puppets. You use them when you tell the story. Gru: Okay, let's get this over with. "Three little kittens loved to play, they had fun in the sun all day. "Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed."' Wow! This is garbage. You actually like this? Agnes: Keep reading! Edith: Come on! Gru: All right, all right, all right. "Three little kittens started to bawl, "'Mommy, we're not tired at all.' "Their mother smiled and said with a purr, "'Fine, but at least you should brush your fur."' Edith: Now you brush the fur. Gru: This is literature? A 2-year-old could have written this. All right. "Three little kittens with fur all brushed "said, 'We can't sleep, we feel too rushed! ' "Their mother replied, with a voice like silk, "'Fine, but at least you should drink your milk."' Agnes: Now make them drink the milk. Gru: I don't like this book. This is going on forever. "Three little kittens, with milk all gone, rubbed their eyes and started to yawn. "'We can't sleep, we can't even try.' Then their mother sang a lullaby. "'Good night kittens, close your eyes. Sleep in peace until you rise. "'Though while you sleep, we are apart, "'your mommy loves you with all her heart."' The end. Okay, good night. Agnes: Wait! Gru: What? Agnes: What about good night kisses? Gru: No, no. There will be no kissing or hugging or kissing. Margo: He is not gonna kiss us good night, Agnes. Agnes: I like him. He's nice.Edith: [turns off her light] But scary. Like Santa! Dr. Nefario: Only 48 hours till the launch, and all systems are go. Gru: About that, I was thinking that maybe we could move the date of the heist. Dr. Nefario: Please tell me this is not as a result of the girls' dance recital, is it? Gru: No, no, no! The recital? Don't... That's stupid! I just think it's kind of weird to do it on a Saturday. I was thinking, maybe a heist is a Tuesday thing, right? Dr. Nefario: Gru, you and I have been working on this for years. It's everything we've dreamed of. Your chance to make history, become the man who stole the moon! But these girls are becoming a major distraction! They need to go. If you don't do something about it, then I will. Gru: I understand. Dr. Nefario: Good. Minion: Butt. Butt. Butt. Gru: All right. Now, when we put our cups together, we will make the "clink" sound with our mouths. Ready? Edith? Gru: and Edith: Clink. Gru: There we go. And now we drink. And Agnes? Gru and Agnes: Clink. Gru: Very good! Excuse me, girls. Girls: Come on! Gru: Don't worry, I'll be back. Keep clinking. - Clink, clink. - Clink, clink.Gru: Miss Hattie, what are you doing here? Miss Hattie: I'm here for the girls. I received a call that you wanted to return them. [Gru gives her a quizzical look] And also, I did purchase a Spanish dictionary. [swats Gru's head with the dictionary] I didn't like what you said. Gru: But... I will get the girls ready. Agnes: Don't let her take us, Mr. Gru! Tell her you wanna keep us. Mrs. Hattie: All right, girls. Come on, let's go. Margo: Goodbye, Mr. Gru. Thanks for everything. Dr. Nefario: I did it for your own good. Come on, let's go get that moon. Gru: Right. What is this for? The recital? I am the greatest criminal mind of the century. I don't go to little girls' dance recitals! Dr. Nefario: Opening launch bay

doors. Commencing launch sequence. And we are good to go in T minus 10 seconds. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... Vector: Oh, yeah! Gru: Nice work, Doctor. All systems go. Vector: Boo-ya! My flight suit. Oh, yeah! Once again, the mighty... Gru: I've got it! I've got the moon! I've got the moon. I can make it. Dr. Nefario: Wait a minute! Jerry: Kevin! Gru: Come on! Come on! Agnes: He's still not here. Margo: Why would he come? He gave us up. Agnes: But he pinkie promised! Teacher: Girls, girls, places. Edith: No, we can't start yet! We're still expecting someone. Agnes: Can we just wait a few more minutes? Teacher: All right. But just a few more minutes. Margo: He's not coming, guys. Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru, can you hear me? Quick, we have to warn him, and fast!Gru: Okay, okay. There's the library. That's Third Street. The dance studio... There! There! There it is! Janitor: Sorry, buddy. Show's over.Gru: Over? Gru: Vector, open up! Vector: First give me the moon. Then we'll talk. Agnes: Mr. Gru! Vector: Zip it, Happy Meal. Gru: Now, the girls. Vector: Actually, I think I'll hold on to them a little while longer. Gru: No! Vector: Oh, yeah! Unpredictable! Gru: Listen close, you little punk. When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain! Vector: [laughs sarcastically] I'm really scared. Agnes: He is gonna kick your butt. Vector: What? He punched my shark! Dr. Nefario: There he is! Hang on, Gru. Oh, no! Gru: Vector has the girls. Go! Dr. Nefario: What happened to the ship? It's big again! Not as big as the moon is going to be! Gru: What? Dr. Nefario: The larger the mass of an object, the quicker the effects of the shrink ray wear off! I call it the Nefario Principle. I just came up with it now, actually. Gru: Oh, no! Margo: Did you see that? Girls: Vector! Help! Vector! Over here! Vector: Hey! What are you girls doing back there? Girls: The moon! Watch out! Vector: Ouch! Gru: Get as close in as you can. You got it. Margo: Mr Gru, up here! Agnes and Edith: Mr Gru! Gru: Okay, girls! Girls! You're going to have to jump. Edith: Jump? Are you insane? Gru: Don't worry, I will catch you. Margo: You gave us back! Gru: I know, I know. And it is the worst mistake I ever made. But you have to jump now. Margo: It'll be okay. Gru: Okay, girls. Margo: Jump now! Gru: Margo, I will catch you. And I will never let you go again. Vector: Not so fast! Gru: No! Margo: Let me go! Gru: Margo! I'm coming, Margo. Hang on! I got you.Vector: No! Oh, poop. News Reporter: This time, good triumphs, and the moon has been returned to its rightful place in the sky. But once again, law enforcement is baffled, leaving everyone to wonder, who is this mysterious hero? And what will he do next? Gru: Okay, girls. Time for bed. Edith: Come on! We want a story. Agnes: Three sleepy kittens! Gru: Oh, no! Sorry. That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. Tonight we are going to read a new book. This one is called One Big Unicorn by... Who wrote this? Me! I wrote it. Look, it's a puppet book! Here, watch this. That's the horn! Agnes: This is gonna be the best book ever! Gru: Not to pat myself on the back, but, yes, it probably will be. Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free "thought he was happy as he could be. "Then three little kittens came around "and turned his whole life upside down." Edith: Hey, that one looks like me! Gru: No, what are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. "They made him laugh. "They made him cry. "He never should have said goodbye. "And now he knows he could never part "from those three little kittens "that changed his heart. "The end." Okay, all right. Good night. Margo: I love you. Gru: I love you, too. No, no! All right. Didn't I get you already? They're very good! Gru's Mom: I'm so proud of you, Son. You've turned out to be a great parent! Just like me. Maybe even better. Gru: No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no! THE END Hey, Carl! Hey. No, no, no. Me, me, me. John? No, no. Me, me, me. Oh,

poop. Oh, no! Stop! Stop! Hello, I am Gru. Back to work, back to work! Back to…

IS THIS THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCRIPT?

[lloydskywalkers]

planetary go

me: hey this would be a great time to actually do some of that oc development I’ve been planning for the last two years

also me: lloyd has no good very bad spiderman day

i’ve had this in my drafts for...over a year now, i think?? it’s entirely self-indulgent and i was very much committed to never posting it ever, but it’s oc day, so. maybe i will leave it up for five minutes before hiding it again gdhjkfg

(for background, the oc is Rachel, who’s Brad’s friend from school and a useless nerd, and one day i’ll actually take the ideas i have for her further, but today she’s just a kid who got her hands on an axe)

In theory, bringing Lloyd on their school’s annual planetarium field trip sounded like a great idea. Brad’s been trying to get Lloyd to hang out with them in a normal setting for forever now, and he knows that, as much as Rachel secretly enjoys waving at Lloyd during life-or-death situations because deep down she’s an adrenaline maniac, he also knows she’s been wanting to have five minutes of peace and normality with him as well.

As for Lloyd, Brad’s pretty sure he doesn’t even know what that is, but there’s always time for a learning curve.

Plus, Lloyd deserves it. As soon as Brad managed to get wind that the only education his friend’s had is Darkley’s — which is a tragedy, honestly — he’d started scheming a way to sneak Lloyd into his school. Only for the fun stuff, of course — he’s not about to subject Lloyd to the horrors of Pre-Cal, or AP Physics.

A field trip, though, is perfect. All the fun parts of school, without the actual busy work or potentially anxiety-inducing memories of school hallways. Sure, the planetarium their school insists on visiting is boring as it gets, but it’s still better than math class. It’s a full hour-long bus ride away, too, which means that by the time the teachers or the ninja catch wind what’s happened, they’ll be home free.

(Well, Brad thinks so. If Lloyd didn’t end up clearing this trip with the ninja and snuck out instead, he’s not sure their school bus is up to outrunning a bunch of dragons. It’d be funny to watch, though.)

The point is, it had been a great idea, until Rachel went and fell asleep in the first five minutes. Which would’ve been fine, except Lloyd took one look at her and decided that he liked the idea of being asleep too, so now Brad’s lost two friends to naps, and he kinda needs them awake, because hour-long bus rides are boring.

He eyes the two where they’re sleeping in disdain. Some friends they are. He contemplates shoving them both off the school seats for a second, and watching them sprawl all over the floor like a pair of idiots, but he decides against it. Lloyd’s packing a little too much power, and he’s seen Rachel when she’s angry. Also, he watched the news report this morning, and he knows the kind of night Lloyd had. Brad’s still trying to figure out how he doesn’t have ugly bruising all up the left side of his face, much less a decent night’s sleep.

Nah, he’ll let them sleep for now. He can read Lloyd’s comics in the meantime, since he doesn’t have school books. Brad can be nice, when he wants to. Not that it’s going to make up for the hour long bus ride on his own, but he can suck it up this once, he supposes.  

If only that had been the worst of his problems today.

*********

“This is a terrible plan.”

“What do you mean?” Brad’s eyebrows furrow. “This was your plan.”

“Well, yeah, okay, fine, but I mean—” Rachel shrinks in her seat, still rubbing sleep from her eyes as she glances around at her classmates on the bus warily. “I didn’t really think it through,” she mutters.

Brad rolls his eyes. “Kai’s not gonna find out, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Oh, it’s not Kai I’m worried about,” Rachel scoffs. “I figured that out. Lloyd was right, Kai’s just a big softie. It’s Nya you gotta worry about.”

Brad scoffs. “Wimp.”

“Fine, you can face her down when she comes at us with all the wrath of god for hijacking Lloyd for the day.”

Lloyd shifts guiltily where he’s crammed in the seat between them, jacket hood pulled over his head, as it that’s gonna hide who he is. “I don’t have to come, guys.”

“Yes, you do,” Brad immediately responds.

“We want you to come,” Rachel says, emphatically.

“You can’t just ditch us, you’re the only exciting part of this dumb field trip,” Brad adds. “Plus, it’s like, way too late to back out now. We’re ten minutes from the planetarium, you should’ve spoken up earlier.”

“You deserve a normal day out,” Rachel steamrolls over Brad. “You’re coming.”

“Okay,” Lloyd says, still unsure as he glances around. He’s starting to wonder how, exactly, he managed to sleep through the better part of this trip. The West Ninjago High school bus is chaos incarnate, the high school students crammed in the seats all chattering loudly and occasionally chucking everything from straws to entire notebooks at each other.

Maybe he should get his reflexes checked, he thinks dully. Then again, it’s not like the school bus is an immediate threat. It’s pretty nice, actually — a lot nicer than the buses they used to have at school the guys taught at, at least.

“We do need to work on your disguise, though,” Rachel mutters, surveying his outfit. Lloyd tugs anxiously on the school jacket Brad lent him, the dark blue fabric scratchy and uncomfortable. Luckily, Brad and Rachel’s school doesn’t require a uniform, so his casual outfit blends in just fine. The jacket’s just a field trip requirement.

Why he’s crashing their field trip, he’s yet to figure out, but they’d made it sound fun, and he hadn’t had anything better to do today, so Lloyd Garmadon’s now Brad’s distant cousin from Metallonia. They haven’t decided on his fake name yet, because Rachel wants to use Luke Skywalker, and while Lloyd isn’t great at going undercover, he’s not that bad.

“Here,” Rachel says, rifling through her backpack. She pulls out a pair of glasses, unfolding them and handing them off to him. “The lenses are fake, don’t worry.”

Lloyd stares at the glasses in his hands. “This is my disguise?”

“Yeah,” Brad nods. “Like Clark Kent.”

“Clark Kent has the most obvious disguise ever.”

“Yeah, but no one ever finds him out.”

“Because it’s the comics. This is my life. Something’s gonna go wrong.”

Rachel doesn’t seem to share his concerns, pushing the glasses toward his face. “Just put them on?”

Lloyd sighs, complying. He slides the glasses on, frowning at the unfamiliar weight. “There,” he grumbles. “How do I look?"

Brad snorts, but he gives him a thumbs up. Rachel turns a weird color and coughs quickly, before saying what Lloyd’s pretty sure is “they’re alright”.

He’ll take it.

“So I’m good to go?” he asks, glancing at the teacher up front anxiously.

Brad and Rachel stare at him. Lloyd isn’t a fan of the looks on their faces.

“Well, you’re gonna have to…talk with your mouth closed a little more,” Brad winces. “The uh, the teeth.”

Lloyd shuts his mouth tightly. Right. His genetics.

“And um…” Rachel bites her lip. “Is there any way you could, like…turn the brightness down?”

Lloyd frowns. “The what?”

“The uh—“ Rachel gestures to her own dark brown eyes. “The eyes.”

Lloyd folds his arms, glaring at them. “This is part-human discrimination.”

“It is not—“

“Yeah, the only part we’d discriminate you for is the lame part—“

“We’re just trying to make sure no one figures out you’re a big ninja celebrity!”

Rachel immediately claps a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. Lloyd sinks lower into his seat, and Brad cringes.

“Sorry,” Rachel whispers.

Fortunately, no one else seems to have overheard, or they simply just don’t care. Lloyd straightens up a bit, still wary, but he uncrosses his arms.

“Yeah, I get it,” he sighs. He closes his eyes, focuses briefly on the thrumming power that’s always in his veins, then opens them.

Rachel looks guilty, and Brad snorts.

“They’re, um, they’re red now.”

Lloyd bites back a curse. “Darn it.”

By the time they reach the planetarium, Lloyd’s finally got his eyes to stay a color Rachel says could be normal, and Brad says is lame. Lloyd’s eyes are itching, and he’s starting to have seconds thoughts about this, because the kids in the seat across from him are giving him weird looks.

“D’you think they recognize me?” he asks Rachel under his breath, pulling his hood back up over his head.

Rachel looks over, and her lips pinch. “I don’t think so,” she says. She gets a weird look on her face. “I think they just…like you.”

“Like me?” Lloyd frowns. “They don’t even know me. I haven’t even said one word to them.”

Rachel stares at him, the weird look replaced by a blank one. “Lloyd.”

“Yeah?” he blinks.

“Never mind,” Rachel sighs, and Brad snickers. “Hey, we’re here.”

Lloyd’s stomach does a little flip, which is ridiculous, because he’s faced things ten thousand times more terrifying than a field trip.  Maybe it’s the fact that he’s got a miserable track record with disguises, and really just acting in general?

Yeah, that could be it, Lloyd thinks. He never could pull off accents, unless you wanted like, an Oni one, which was useless anyways, because any Oni would probably just kill him for being a blood traitor on the spot, and anyone else who heard it would go running for the hills, or lock him up, or—

“—c’mon, Lloyd, we’re going!”

Lloyd snaps back as Brad shoves at him, forcing him out of the seat and into the aisle. He stumbles in with the other high schoolers crammed in the bus, all fighting to get to the front exit first, and is immediately onset by claustrophobia.

“Move it, people, come on—” Rachel shoulders her way past him, shoving the people in front of them until they’re stumbling forward, gradually thinning up the crowd. “I hate this bus,” she grumbles beneath her breath. “It’s like a mosh pit, but without any of the fun."

“I can start kicking kneecaps in,” Brad offers.

Rachel glances back at him, unimpressed. Lloyd considers it briefly, before quickly schooling his expression into “unimpressed” as well. Brad deflates.

Rachel finally gets them out by sheer value of being taller than most of the other kids, and Lloyd can’t help but be grateful as she tugs him in front of her, letting him escape the bus first. This last about half a second, because he immediately comes face-to-face with their teacher.

“Uh. Hi,” Lloyd says, weakly, as the teacher frowns at him.

“I don’t remember you,” he mutters glancing down at his clipboard, where he’s been checking off students. “Do you sit toward the back?”

“Ah, no, sorry, he’s with us!” Rachel says quickly, coming to his rescue. “He’s a visitor, just checking out the school, y’know?”

The teacher narrows his eyes. “Is that so,” he says, and Lloyd shrinks under his gaze. “And you’re who, now?”

“He’s my cousin,” Brad answers for him. “Luh — Floyd. Floyd…Calrissian?”

Rachel makes a muffled sound of agonized exasperation. Lloyd has to violently stifle the urge to stomp on Brad’s foot.

“Yeah, Floyd,” Brad nods, steamrolling ahead. “He lives out of city, in, um…“

“Ignacia,” Lloyd says, seizing on the name.

“Ignacia, yeah!” Brad snaps his fingers. “You know how it is there, real small town. He’s checking out schools here, so I thought I’d…bring him along…for the day.”

The teacher stares at them all for a beat, then shakes his head, looking uninterested. “You’re supposed to check him in, you know, but we’re already here. Nothing for it now. Keep an eye on him, Tudabone. Miss Lennox, you keep an eye on them both.”

“Yes, sir,” Rachel says, ignoring the face Brad’s making. “Thanks, sir.”

She seizes both their arms, dragging them away before Brad can make any kind of undoubtedly snarky remark. Lloyd’s too relieved to be out of the teacher’s stare to complain about being manhandled — he hadn’t realized how much he didn’t like teachers. Real good to know that he’s scarred for life thanks to Darkley’s, apparently.

“I thought you were gonna be from Metallonia,” Rachel hisses at him as they pass through the sliding doors, interrupting his train of thought.

Lloyd bristles. “I blanked, okay? It was the first thing I could think of on the spot. At least I did better than Brad.” He glares at him. “Lafloyd? That’s my name now?”

“It’s better than whatever you could come up with,” Brad shoots.

“Really?” Rachel turns on Brad. “‘Cause — Floyd Calrissian? Seriously? And you gave me heck for wanting to call him Luke.”

“Whatever, Miss Lennox, snooty teacher’s pet—”

“Oh, just ‘cause I didn’t spray-paint the teacher’s lounge—”

“Hey, here’s a fun idea, why don’t you drop it.” Lloyd glares at them both, immediately silencing them. Rachel makes a face, but her cheeks darken, and Brad glances at the floor. Lloyd watches his sneakers on the linoleum, where bright colored solar systems have been inlaid in fun little patterns.

“Lafloyd is a funny nickname,” Rachel suddenly remarks, quietly.

Lloyd stares at her, hoping it conveys the utter, crushing betrayal. Rachel just grins brightly back at him.

“Lafloyd Calrissian, from Metallnacia,” Brad snickers, and Lloyd feels a headache coming on.

At least it’s not Lloydkins, he tries to convince himself. Floyd is not the most awful option here. It could be worse.

*********

The planetarium is actually pretty cool, more so than Brad was selling it as when he termed it “the most boring school trip conceived”. The domed, dark room is quiet and comfortable, and Lloyd could go for a really long nap in here, if time permitted. But then the ceiling lights up in constellations and the teacher starts introducing some visiting Serpentine professor, and Lloyd figures taking another nap would probably be rude. He’s here to hang out with Brad and Rachel, after all, he can’t sleep through the whole thing.

Plus, astronomy is fun, now that he’s getting to actually learn about it from a nice planetarium seat, as opposed to hurtling through space on a nindroid spaceship in a desperate attempt to stop the Overlord from ending the world.

Not that it’s going to stop him from bragging about it.

“I’ve been on an asteroid,” Lloyd remarks under his breathe, as the professor starts detailing the orbital paths of comets. “It’s not as cool as it sounds.”

Rachel chokes where she’s sitting beside him, coughing out what might be a laugh. Brad stares at him, before casting his eyes to the ceiling digging his hands in his hair. “Of course you have,” he mutters. “Why not. Been to six different realms, what’s one asteroid?”

“You’ve been to other realms?!” Rachel hisses, looking equal parts flabbergasted and wildly interested. “Which ones? What were they like? Did you make it to that one that’s supposed to have fire-breathing dogs?”

“Shh!”

All three of them shrink in their seats as the teacher hushes them. Lloyd swaps looks with Brad, who’s already smirking at the familiarity.

Lloyd grins back, a bubble of happiness rising in his chest. His recently-rebuilt friendship with Brad has been slow-going at best — mostly because of how busy Lloyd’s schedule always is — and he’s been quietly fearing that the bridge their friendship was built on might’ve been a little too burned to build back. That there’s too much distance between them now, with how different their lives are.

It’s nice to proven wrong, he thinks. In fact, this entire field trip thing was a good idea, in hindsight. He’s having a pretty good—

The back door slams open with an almighty crash, and several shrieks ring out as a frazzled, deranged-looking man in a stained lab coat stands highlighted in the doorway, one accusing finger pointed toward the Serpentine lecturer.

“And you thought you could escape me, you halfwit snake.”

—oh for crying out loud.

“You,” the lecturer says, his face paling as he takes a noticeable step back. “You’re supposed to be in prison.”

“It didn’t agree with me,” the man cackles, his expression manic under the spiraling lights of the solar system. Brad and Rachel’s classmates are rooted to their seats, watching the scene unfold with wide eyes like some terrible soap opera. Their teacher’s kind of just gaping at the entire thing, like he can’t believe this is happening. Lloyd can completely sympathize.

“Should we call the police?” Brad whispers uncertainly, his eyes wide.

“No way, the police are useless,” Rachel hisses back. “Lloyd, use your zappy power-thing.”

The crazy guy continues before Lloyd can form a response. “So you’ve regressed to teaching now, have you? How the mighty have fallen.” A leer drags up the corners of his mouth, and Lloyd’s hair stands on end. Nope, he doesn’t like that—

“Luckily for you, I perfected the serum even without your help,” the guy continues, and the lecturer makes a strangled sound of horror as he pulls out a syringe. “Or unluckily for you, I should say."

The deranged man then grins, looking entirely too unhinged, and Lloyd’s stomach drops. He’s on his feet before his brain can catch up, ignoring Brad and Rachel’s yelps of alarm as instinct wired into his limbs drives him towards the guy before he can do anything, because Lloyd knows that look and he’s definitely going to do something—

“This is the turning point, old friend,” Crazy Guy hisses. “Now, no one will ignore me, ever again!”

He raises his hand, the syringe glinting in the dim lights of the planetarium. Lloyd puts on a burst of speed, mere yards from the guy, if he can just—

“Lloyd, wait!”

The man slams the needle into his arm, injecting the vivid purple right into his bloodstream. Lloyd reaches him just as the last of the liquid’s draining, launching himself from the top of one of the seats as a student screams, and kicks the syringe into an arching spiral away from his arm.

Oh, mistake. Big mistake. The guys gives a loud shriek, and the slight change in air pressure is all the warning Lloyd gets.

He whips back around to the students, eyes wide as he screams a warning. “Get down—!”

There’s a spectacular purple flash, and Lloyd goes flying, hurtling backward and smashing through an entire row of seats. This wouldn’t be so bad, except then his head cracks against something entirely too solid, and Lloyd’s vision goes out in bright, incredibly painful fireworks.

On second thought, this was a bad idea, is his last conscious thought, before the fireworks go dark.

*********

Lloyd jolts back into awareness to a throbbing pain in his head, and a feeling similar to someone trying to tear his arms off. He moans, blinking hazily as sound filters back in with consciousness, the unfortunately familiar sound of panicked screaming and destruction filling his ears.

That’s a bad sign, he thinks dizzily.

“Oh, thank FSM — he’s waking up! Lloyd, Lloyd, can you hear me?”

Brad finishes this last statement by yelling it in his face, and Lloyd flinches back, his head pounding.

“Stop that, you’re hurting him!”

He registers that as Rachel’s voice, coming from near his left side. He cracks his eyes back open, trying to get his bearings, and realizes that he’s being dragged forward. The pressure on his arms must be Rachel and Brad’s grip where they’ve got them slung over their own shoulders, they’re hauling him away from — from what?

“The crazy scientist guy lost it,” Rachel explains, her breath coming in sharp pants. “I think he’s got some big grudge against the lecturer, or something? Like, really intense drama—”

“That’s not the point!” Brad hisses. “He just turned himself into a freaky lizard monster, how are you not focusing on that?”

“Details are important!” Rachel snaps back, flinching as something explodes from behind them.

Lloyd blinks again, trying to get his dazed brain to work with him again. His first thought is, I didn’t know I was Spider-Man.

His second thought is that he needs to get with the program, now.

“Where’d’e go,” Lloyd slurs out as he yanks his arms from their hold, stumbling briefly before he finds his balance. He wavers as a searing pain slices through his head, and he grits his teeth, pressing a hand to his temple as he takes quick inventory. Other than his head, everything else seems to be in working order, he finds with relief.

Which is a really good thing, because it sounds like mutated science guy is about to try and start snacking on high school students like popcorn shrimp.

“He’s still back in the show room, but — Lloyd, you need to sit down,” Rachel says, her hands flitting toward his head anxiously.

“Yeah, you hit your head bad,” Brad echoes, his eyes wide. “I mean, the crack was epic, but you were passed out for like, ten minutes or so, which is bad.”

“M’fine,” Lloyd waves them off, blinking in an attempt to get the room to stop spinning. “Everything’s gonna be fine. Here,” he shoves his phone into Brad’s hand. “Call the guys if I’m not back in fifteen, okay?”

Brad and Rachel stare at him like he’s lost his mind, their eyes wide and faces pale. Which is rude, they could at least try and have some confidence.

“Lloyd—”

“I got this,” he says, and gives them a thumbs-up. Or he’s pretty sure he does, his vision is still doing that weird wobbling thing again. “I do this like, every day, guys. Just get somewhere safe, okay?”

Before either of them can protest, Lloyd takes off sprinting back to the show room, where the worst of the roaring is coming from. He grinds his teeth as another chorus of screams ring out, green light already flashing at his fingertips.

No luck. He’s got no luck at all.

*********

“We’re so dead.”

Rachel doesn’t even respond. She’s just standing there, rooted to the floor while their classmates run screaming past them for the doors, her fists clenched.

“His team’s totally gonna kill us,” Brad continues, trying to stifle mounting panic. “Kai’s gonna roast me alive. We’re gonna die.”

Rachel still doesn’t answer, staring after where Lloyd disappeared, her jaw working.

Brad shakes his head, flinching as another roar echoes from the back. “Let’s go.” They should probably at least honor Lloyd’s final wishes, he thinks, dizzily.

Rachel shakes her head. Brad’s stomach begins to sink.

“Rae, come on,” he implores. “We gotta go, Lloyd said—”

“No,” Rachel cuts over him, and Brad’s stomach finishes sinking right to his shoes. There’s something dangerously stubborn in her eyes. “We can’t just abandon him,” she continues. “Friends don’t leave other friends to fight crazy mutant lizard monsters on their own.”

Brad gapes at her. “Uh, yeah they do, if one friend is a super-powered ninja, and the other two are just average joes!”

Rachel whirls on him, and his sputtering dies in face of her glare. “Brad, it’s just Lloyd, all on his own! And he’s already concussed, he needs our help!”

“What help?” Brad throws his arms out, helplessly. “What are we even supposed to do?! We don’t! Have! Powers!”

A high-pitched explosion echoes from the back, as if to emphasize his point.

“Didn’t you go to a school for evil masterminds?” Rachel snaps back, and Brad flinches. “Use your brain, come up with something!”

Brad sputters at her, but she’s darting off before he can reply, fiddling with something on the wall. Brad fists his hands in his hair in frustration, trying to formulate an explanation that while he did, of course, go to a school for evil kids, he never actually got to the part where they taught him how to fight, much less defeat giant mutated lizards, and he has no idea what to do about it. If they were going to be of any help to Lloyd, they needed to make sure they weren’t giant liabilities, first off, and then they’d have to find out what the scientist had actually done to himself, and if there was a way to reverse it.

“And we’re gonna have to — holy FSM, is that an axe?”

“Yup,” Rachel says, testing the weight and swinging it briefly. “It is.”

“Where did you get an axe?!”

“From the glass box for fires and emergencies, duh.” She swings it again for emphasis, then nods in satisfaction. Brad jumps a foot back.

“Don’t you want to be a doctor?” he yelps. “What happened to ‘do no harm’?”

“That thing is trying to eat Lloyd,” she snaps. “So yeah, I’m gonna do some harm. Are you coming or not?”

Another explosion goes off from the halls inside the planetarium, and two of the kids on the basketball team run by screaming. Rachel blows her breath out, sets her jaw, hoists the axe and takes off after the high-pitched sound of Lloyd’s powers.

Brad looks at the exit, then back at the hallway of doom. He brings his foot down hard, and groans. “I — you — gah, we’re so gonna die.”

He grabs the fire extinguisher and heads after his friends.

*********

On the bright side of things, Lloyd’s managed to get all the high schoolers and their dumbstruck teacher out of the show room, and hopefully they’re now running to safety. He got the poor lecturer out too, even if it was a ridiculously close call and he’s gonna look like a rabid lizard attacked his right shoulder the next two weeks. Now the only ones duking it out in the room are Lloyd and Mr. Crazy Lizard Guy, so the chances of collateral have gone down, at least.

On the significantly less bright side, Lloyd might actually be losing this fight. He’s not sure, because the room’s pretty dark and the only real light is from some distant solar system the ceiling’s still whirling them through — which is really not helping with his headache, or spinning vision — but the fact that Lloyd, trained ninja that he is, hasn’t already obliterated this desk-job half-insane scientist is a bad sign.

As it turns out, fighting half-concussed just isn’t Lloyd’s strongest point. Which is dumb, because you’d think that by now, he’d at least be used to it.

“Infuriating child, why won’t you die—!”

Lloyd yelps, twisting aside as the mutated lizard-guy takes another swipe at him, razor-sharp claws whistling through the air where his head just was. Lloyd powers up a burst of green to retaliate, only to look back up and find that there are now three lizard monsters swimming in his vision, warping and swaying like snakes.

He shakes his head, desperately trying to re-focus, but it’s a fatal hesitation. The next swipe lands solidly against his side, and Lloyd cries out in alarm as he’s sent flying again, slamming into the auditorium seats before tumbling to the floor.

“Ow,” he coughs into the carpet, propping himself up with his arms and trying not to throw up. He’s going to feel this tomorrow — and look it too, probably. Man, the others are gonna kill him—

Scaled claws suddenly slam into the floor next to him, and Lloyd yelps, flinching back and craning his head upwards.

“Next time, know your place,” Crazy Guy hisses through jagged teeth, eyes flashing in deadly intent. Lloyd’s brain slams into panicked instinct, and he grasps at his powers, preparing to blast the entire room—

Thwack.

Lloyd stares with dinner-plate-sized eyes as Rachel appears from nowhere, swinging an axe straight into the mutated man’s raised arm with a wild shriek and a startling amount of force.

“Go to hell, you maniac—!”

Her next hit finds a shoulder, and before Lloyd can blink the guy’s scaly right arm is gashed open, his mouth open in an agonized howl as he staggers back. Rachel’s eyes are wild as she gasps heavily, brandishing the axe like a baseball player gearing up to swing. Lloyd manages to gape for a good three seconds before someone’s hands are pulling him to his feet, dragging him back.

“Move, move you moron!” Brad’s yelling, as he slings Lloyd’s arm around his shoulder and retreats. It takes Lloyd another second to realize he’s not yelling at him.

Rachel is still staring at the monster, her face pale and axe held aloft, frozen by shock. Or terror, either one’s fair game.

Lloyd snaps himself out of it, shrugging off Brad as the world swims again. He darts forward, grabs Rachel by the hand and pulls. He snags Brad as they go, hauling tail away from the still-howling scientist and throwing them behind the control podium at the back of the room, just barely sliding in behind them and out of lizard guy’s sight.

“We’re gonna die,” Brad gasps, his dark hair a frazzled mess. “It’s been real nice knowing you guys, we had a good run—”

“We are not gonna die,” Lloyd hisses, blinking black dots from his vision, That’s probably a bad sign. He shakes his head, fixing them both with a glare. “What are you guys doing?! I told you to get somewhere safe!”

“What, and let you die?” Rachel whispers back hotly, her hands still shaking around the axe she’s clutching, an odd green liquid dripping from the blade that Lloyd doesn’t wanna think about right now. “You were getting trashed out there!”

“No I wasn’t!” Lloyd defends. “I was just—”

“You think you can stop me?!” Crazy Guy’s voice roars across the room, and Lloyd pulls Brad and Rachel closer to him, ducking down lower. “Insignificant children, you’ll be the first to fall to my reign!”

“Wow, he’s really gone off the deep end,” Brad mutters, as if that, of all things, has jolted him from his ‘we’re gonna die’ mindset.

“I told you, huge grudge,” Rachel murmurs back.

Lloyd briefly wonders just how, exactly, he managed to end up with two utterly insane people as friends, then remembers who he is.

“Okay,” he breathes, pressing a hand to his throbbing head again and squeezing his eyes shut. “Plan. Need a plan. Um.”

“We got one,” Brad offers, exchanging looks with Rachel. “Uh, sort of.”

Lloyd looks between the two of them, trying to ignore how they suddenly blur into four of them.

Rachel makes a face. “Brad’s going to hack the light system and we’re going to get really, really annoying.”

Lloyd stares at them. “Absolutely not.”

Brad and Rachel glare back stubbornly, the planetarium lights dancing over their faces, their expressions set in shaky determination as the lizard guy continues to tear the room apart, searching for them. Lloyd’s hit by another vicious wave of anxiety. Brad and Rachel aren’t his team. They’re just — they’re just people, his friends, maybe, but civilians, he can’t ask them to—

“It’ll be fine,” Rachel assures him, the effect somewhat ruined by the manic way she’s clutching her axe. “I’ll be your eyes, so you’ll actually know where to shoot.”

“You can throw that axe at him, too,” Brad mutters, eyeing it warily.

Lloyd shakes his head. “No. No way, it’s too dangerous. You guys are gonna run, and I’m going to take care of him myself, because it’s my job.”

Brad and Rachel have those glares on again. “Sorry, Lloyd,” Brad says, with a burst of confidence Lloyd really wishes didn’t exist. “This isn’t Darkley’s. Friends don’t bail on each other. Also, you’re obviously gonna die if we don’t help out. No offense.”

Lloyd puffs his cheeks up with air, then slowly blows his breath out. This is an awful idea.

But he’s to the point where he’d admit that he’s concussed to Nya, and that means he needs all the help he can get.

“Okay,” he sighs, heavily. “Okay, but one rule — you are all staying far behind me.”

*********

Rachel breaks the rule in the first five seconds, but it’s only to stop Lloyd’s skull from getting banged up any further, so he’ll let it slide for the time being.

Also, he’s too busy trying to listen to her harried shouts over Crazy Guy’s enraged screaming to be mad at her now.

“Five — no, six o’clock!” she shrieks at him, tugging on his shoulder to move them out of the way. “Six o’clock, ten feet!”

Screwing his eyes shut against the dizzying lights, Lloyd hurls a streaking ball of energy where Rachel’s told him, and is rewarded with a screeching cry of pain.

“Nice!” Lloyd winces as Rachel yells directly in his ear. “Sorry, sorry — you hit him dead on!”

“Please tell me he’s down.”

“Uh, I think he might — oh, nope, he’s getting back up, but he looks a little dizz—yyyy duck, duck!”

Lloyd grabs for Rachel’s hand and pulls her down with him, sending them both sprawling across the floor as a something large whistles overhead.

“He’s tearing up the seats and throwing them at us,” Rachel pants, sounding indignant. She’s got a death grip on his hand, which might hurt if she wasn’t shaking like she’d shotgunned energy drinks.

Lloyd gets it, even if his adrenaline high of terror is more because he still can’t see straight.

He can see enough to tell that the lights of the planetarium are still going berserk above them, flashing from panel to panel and lighting up the dark room in a dizzying kaleidoscope of changing skies. It’d be super cool if it wasn’t one) really disorienting, and two) taking place while a mutated monster of doom tries to murder high schoolers.

“Guys, get up!” Brad’s scream echoes from the control podium, where he’s spinning them through Ninjago’s nearest satellites now. Lloyd feels the floor vibrating a second before the lizard monster comes barreling toward them, screeching in fury. Rachel sucks in a sharp breath of horror, and Lloyd’s stomach drops as he runs into another row of chairs. Reacting half on instinct, he grasps Rachel by the arm, pulls her close, and gasps out a ‘hold on’ — then, briefly siphoning the green power — tosses her straight up in the air, soaring inches from the ceiling.

Lloyd barely registers Brad swearing in shock as Rachel screams, but he’s too busy counting the seconds as the lizard monster charges him.

One, two—

Lloyd sidesteps, wind whistling past him as he narrowly avoids being pummeled again—

Three, four—

Lloyd sends two screeching bursts of energy into the monster’s back, a howl of pain missing with a sizzling sound as he goes flying across the room—

Five—

Lloyd skids back into place, and throws his arms out just in time to catch Rachel as she comes screaming back down.

“Sorry,” he pants, carefully setting her on her feet. She’s rattling in place like a wind-up toy now, but Lloyd can just see her giving him a shaky thumbs-up through his spinning vision.

“L-little more warning, next time,” she gasps, sounding winded. “Would be nice.”

Lloyd feels a flash of guilt bubble up, followed by a helpless burst of frustration. She shouldn’t be anywhere remotely near this kind of situation, neither her or Brad — they’re his normal friends, he’s supposed to go on dumb boring field trips with them, not blow up half a planetarium in a fight for their lives.

Rachel suddenly goes rigid, then grabs his shoulders and pulls him back. “He’s up!” she yelps. “He’s coming, he’s rushing us—”

Lloyd can see that, through the dizzying lights of the nearest solar system. “Get behind me!” he orders, just in time to get sent flying by a torn-up chair the guy’s chucked at them.

A litany of curses streams through his brain as both him and Rachel cry out, and Lloyd barely has the sense of mind to wrap himself around her before they slam back into the floor, rolling several feet before Lloyd’s head slams right against the stairs with another solid crack.

So many aspirin, he thinks faintly, as the world pulses in and out in dizzying flashes of white. Gonna need so many aspirin tonight.

“—et up, Lloyd, come on—”

That’s Rachel’s voice, a vaguely functioning part of his brain notes. She sounds upset, all scared and worried, which is…that’s bad, right? Lloyd’s not sure, there are like, five of her all up in his face right now—

A roar sounds closely behind her, and Rachel’s expressions spasms in panic. Lloyd’s vision finally solidifies just in time fore her to throw herself over him, and panic screeches everything back into awareness, but it’s too late because the lizard monster’s right on top of them—

Another solid crack rings out across the room, but this time it’s not Lloyd’s head. Crazy Guy howls in pain as he staggers back, clutching his head where the fire extinguisher struck his temple. Lloyd stares blankly as Rachel shakily lifts her head, before Brad’s suddenly in front of them, grabbing them both by the arms and struggling to haul them up.

“Get up!” he yells, dark eyes wide but glinting in determination. “Don’t just lay there, you’re the green ninja, come on!”

“Shu’up,” Lloyd slurs, but Brad’s words are enough to cut through the hazy film inside his head. He staggers to his feet, highly conscious of Brad and Rachel supporting both arms. This is beyond humiliating, what kind of—

“Children.” The guttural hiss has all three of them freezing in place, hair standing on end as lizard-like eyes pin them in place, glinting yellow in the flashing lights. “All of you, infuriating bugs to be crushed beneath my feet. Your deaths will be the first in my new reign—”

Irritating monologuing aside, Lloyd can’t help but be grateful for the way the guy pauses to detail their deaths, because it gives him a split, beautiful second of clarity to finally send a concussive blast of green hurtling dead on. There’s a high-pitched shriek as it sends him flying, hurtling across the room and smashing into the bottom edge of the planetarium screen with a blinding burst of sparks.

“Now that’s more like it!” Brad crows, watching as the lizard guy flops to the floor. “That’s what you get for messing with us, you ugly—”

The lizard guy pushes himself to his feet, briefly swaying dizzily before turning furious, burning eyes on them.

Brad swallows. “Did I say ugly? Actually—”

Lloyd’s already gearing up for another round, green sparks lighting on his fingers as Rachel brings her axe up again — when an ominous cracking sounds from above them. Lloyd glances up, the frantic flashing of the cracking planetarium screen nearly blinding him, and his eyes go wide.

“Get down!” he cries, pulling Brad and Rachel and diving beneath the control podium. And not a moment too soon, because in the next second the entire planetarium screen comes crashing down with an exploding screech, large chunks of mangled ceiling smashing down on the guy, pinning him firmly in place.

Lloyd, firmly crushed between Brad and Rachel, but otherwise spared any further head trauma by the solid control panel sheltering them, gives a shuddering exhale of relief.

“Well,” Rachel finally says, with a shaky laugh. “You probably won’t have to worry about boring field trips here anymore, Brad.”

Brad makes a pained, weary sound of exhaustion, and simply buries his face in Lloyd’s shoulder.

*********

Lloyd’s used to the after-battle adrenaline crash, for the most part. Brad and Rachel, as it turns out, are not. Five minutes after the paramedics have stopped fussing over them, leaving all three wrapped in the ugliest orange shock blankets Lloyd’s ever seen, there’s a sudden weight on both of his shoulders. Lloyd blinks, his head swiveling to where Brad and Rachel are snoring on either side of him, then sighs, staring upwards. At least they’re warm, he tells himself, even though it’s starting to get hot under the shock blanket.

Despite the screaming sirens all around him and the frantic voices of the students, Lloyd’s almost tempted to drift off himself. With the loss of adrenaline, his head’s really starting to hurt by now, and the flashing lights of the ambulance aren’t helping his headache in the slightest. He’s just deciding that dozing off with his friends is a good idea, when a familiar sigh has him yanking his eyes open.

Lloyd immediately wants to close them again. Kai and Nya are standing in front of him, arms crossed in identical expressions of disappointment, though it’s tinged mild amusement.

“Hi,” he croaks. He glances between Brad and Rachel, still snoring peacefully against his shoulders. Traitors. “Um. You got my text, then?”

Nya gives him a careful, judging look. “A month. You’re grounded for a month, at least.”

“Oh, come on,” Lloyd moans. “I was living my teenage years. Having a normal day.”

Kai snorts loudly, glancing back at the smoke still rising from the planetarium. “Totally normal teenage stuff, huh.”

Lloyd drops his head back, squeezing his eyes shut. “S’not fair,” he moans. “It’s not my fault trouble’s always following me.”

Nya’s expression eases up, and she shakes her head, uncrossing her arms. “Hey, we’ll have a normal evening back at home, okay?” She eyes Brad and Rachel, her lips quirking in amusement. “You can have a sleepover with your friends, or something. I’ll braid your hair.”

While the idea of anyone going remotely near his head sounds awful right now, Lloyd can’t help but smile back.

“Sounds like a plan,” he yawns. Anything to get them out of this parking lot. At least he knows what he’s missing out on with school, now.

Really, he doesn’t get the hype.

[lepertamar]

PART 1 of 4(?): LUCIFER ON THEURGY AND HOLIES, NARRATIVE STRUCTURE THERE. 

Bullet pointed thing not separating out good and bad stuff because most of the bad stuff is just like, failures to follow through on good stuff? Or weird arm-twists when the good stuff starts implying things a little too numinous and rebellious to the worldbuilding order and gets forcibly reined in?

Incapable of organizing my thoughts properly even though I tried so I’m just going to post all my thoughts and semi-arbitrarily break them apart into sections, I’ll probably come back to add links to the other parts later:

(I broke this in half lol becuz is was seriously too long but anyway part 2 which is more holies stuff is here)

Bullet 1. Fuck, theurgy is so good.  Like the concept, the entire idea of it. Just fuck that is so good. *Much better explanation of wtf it is in this meta post.* 

But it’s especially good as like a gateway to interactions or concepts too complex or liminal or interactive or emergent to be captured in anything like ‘a normal physical object’ — and it makes for a really really great process from the point of view of the characters doing it (or in Tamar’s and Eliya’s cases, interacting with someone else’s for the first time.) 

The hint comes percolating through, slowly, inexplicitly, (or maybe it’s just because I read that meta post I linked first? I’m not 100% sure) — the whole world is made by this. Infinite recursion of souls. 

1.a Yet it’s........actually pretty shallow simply from explanation of what it is, almost new-age-y vibes that really do it a disservice, and even more an underwhelming disservice when characters are being told how to do it. This is abrahamic fantasy! No embodied and tangible rituals? No songs and chants, no mysterious properties of specific things, which would have an extra layer of meaning because all things are souls? Eliya comes up with, in total (but forcibly unacknowledged) defiance of Lucifer, spoken-word ritual type things towards the end that DO help her, powerfully so. But so much of the book’s discussion of it seems almost designed to make it sound....lame. Thank G-d for Yenatru’s early-on pov of doing his own theurgy or I would have disliked it a lot, and thanks even more to that meta post I linked. 

1.b It’s just…..weird and a bit of an um, self-own, that learning about theurgy was done through the characters literally just fucking…..being taught to about theurgy. As if this was a non-fiction book! Instead of a fiction book, a fantasy one no less, where information-communication is inherently always done differently. Why not have Eliya learn theurgy by subjecting her to various theurgies, manifestations of various people, sending her on a hunt for manifestations and making her have to try to figure them out or understand what this meant until finally she understands enough to ask questions? Why not have various elaborate rituals for theurgy?

BULLET 2. Lucifer is…………!!!$$%%???&&**???>. I loathed Lucifer as a constructed character, an execution of a part of a full narrative story. Absolutely hated them. Could not stop thinking about how much I hated them, how bad it was, all the ways the execution of them completely fails and takes out huge amounts of the overall book — character arcs, concepts, worldbuilding, resonant emotions — with them in the blast radius of the author utter failure at executing them. 

And yet, Lucifer’s CONCEPT is………..amazing, their BACKSTORY is phenomenal. Absolutely incredibly original and drop-dead clever and woven into the worldbuilding in a way where dozens of tiny details about them, about theurgy, about G-d, about angels, etc, all line up to collide and open in the reveal *perfectly*. On the other hand, they are absolutely loathsome as a person. But this isn’t the problem. In fact it’s awesome. It’s not a problem on the front hand of it, at all, that they are so so so awful, as a person. It fits. This is what trauma does. Tells a truth, but then that truth metastasizes into a demanding cancer covering the world. 

2.a (In this book, Lucifer’s (incredibly sympathetic) fall is very, very far from either the traditionalist folk depiction (ewwww rebellion against the wise and good laws of Heaven) OR the now-ubiquitous folk resistant reading (oooooh rebellion against the unjust and oppressive laws of heaven!) Their rebellion is instead basically a rejection of The Way Angels Are Naturally Existing, which is entangled with G-d’s soul in a lawless chaotic orgasmic orgy of unchecked creation that has the pitiless one-way un-budging This Is What Is simple Being-ness of nature and the universe. And it makes so so much sense, that in the intensity of traumatized backlash to this, Lucifer is not simply wise in the ways of ethical demands for justice from G-d and the world the way (I think) Lilith is, but is instead cruelly, reductionistly, circumscribingly dogmatic. They are many other bad things — projecting, saneist, insincere, avoidant, glib, safety-fetishizing, lacking in the tiniest budge of character development, but all these mostly go back to being dogmatic.)

None of which, again, I emphasize again, is anything except BRILLIANT and perfect from a characterization perspective. All of these things fit their character conception and trauma backstory perfectly. The issue is really that not a single one of these things are unearthed or bounced off of as the bad things they are. By which I REALLY don’t mean ‘ugh why didn’t any of the characters explicitly Call Them Out [tell not show] for how awful they are while they’re just minding their own business being awful [shown not told] as a character in this story’. I hate that kind of thing. I mean simply….the other characters’ personalities, natural reactions, and in fact the entire world around Lucifer, warps wildly in order for their creepy narrowing way of steamrollering and falsely-restating-using-‘it’s just my issue’ to be enshrined and stated [telling not showing] as Correct and somehow The Way and The Truth, the Reason Yenatru is happy now, the Reason Eliya succeeded at theurgy. When there’s not a single way this actually tracks.

2.b Why does Yenatru care about this person when everything they say would be horribly devastatingly harmful to Yenatru if its content was aimed at a slightly different category of people, but happens to not be harmful to him simply because this person happens to understand him specifically? Not the tiniest bit of supporting evidence why. There’s a tiny moment, where Lucifer challenges Yenatru to challenge them, in a way where I would almost claim that Lucifer was hoping Yenatru would challenge them and argue back against them, and continue to argue against them throughout the book because Yenatru is one of the few people who could do this without deeply triggering Lucifer’s trauma. But it never ever happens. ��It’s also not acknowledged but sadly refused along with their friendship later on, as it also could have been. It’s devastatingly disappointing and brought my liking of Yenatru, which was so so promising and deep because he in many scenes and aspects is written so well, down many notches. 

2.c Why does Eliya successfully uncritically learn anything from them? Why does she [telling not showing] credit Lucifer with anything she learned, when she very very clearly [showing not telling] actually learned everything about herself and about theurgy’s weight and truth from Yenatru and from Tamar? It shatters the imagination to think that any of what Lucifer told her would not be grade-schooler basic knowledge for a lifelong resident of this non-portal-fantasy world, unless theurgy was a Secret Misunderstood Forgotten Art (which it very explicitly and clearly is not). I could see the information Lucifer gave her as perhaps so basic that it could easily fade into the background as not really Meaning anything or being graspable — which is exactly where Yenatru and Tamar, as an unusually gifted and deeply expressive theurgist, and an unusually extreme soul-appreciator and lover, respectively, come in!!!!

2.d And also it could have been where Lucifer’s rigid, trauma-calcified, dogma could have very expressively and poignantly come in too, as something that purports to be about How Souls Are and is illuminating by dint of how hyper-specific and inapplicable to most other people it is, how it’s actually not what souls are, but is very much what a traumatizing but successful struggle to Not Be Steamrollered Into Something You’re Not is. This would have been intensely sympathetic even. And speaking of, here’s the thing: I would have liked Lucifer a thousand times better if they [as a person] had been openly *worse.* If they were outspoken and explicit about their horrible ideas, and if the book [as a narrative] had let them be a mess incapable of intentionally teaching anyone functionally (and therefore much more poignant and illuminating-of-theurgy just by existing as an example of a person, an example that changed the world). Instead of them smoothly tucking their prescriptive ideas into the stretches between other unrelated scenes of ‘oh this is just my issue, these are my own weird biases’. They would be far better if they weren’t being twisted into having the narrative state [tell not show] like they were right about everything.

Bullet 3 It’s this — that’s what I mean. Insincere and politely erasing nonviolent-communication (a specific thing I have encountered a hundred time, more damagingly than any blatant articulated disgust and hatred I have ever encountered) -- with repeated statements  of ‘no it’s okay to be you :)’ ‘i don’t think you’re immoral :)’ ‘everyone is different :)’ despite everything they say belying this. Which when placed alongside everything Lucifer says when not being confronted, does not ever function as a genuine ‘don’t listen to my biases’, but instead functions as a way to avoid actually stating (and therefore baring up to an argument) any of the erasing assumptions underlying their authoritative explanations of other things, so that those assumptions sneak through undetected when they would be interrogated and valuable if they were stated. 

3.a. For example, if Lucifer’s [obvious to me, but probably not obvious to anyone else who hasn’t been personally subjected to a lifetime of this language] revulsion for the Holies and Tamar was openly stated and if they tried to actually argue they were right to be revolted…..I would have loved them! Even if they are arguing Tamar (and indirectly, I too) was a disgusting thing — a ‘leper-soul’ (to quote this fanfic), mad and lost and ruined and degenerate (to quote *this canon book quote*)—I would have loved them! I have nothing but delighted love for people whose clawing desperate insistence on not being what they were raised and created to be, no matter how hateful that makes them towards my loves and experiences.

If Lucifer had said and stuck by this until proven wrong by the narrative [show not tell, or even tell or not show!], instead of simply going ‘oh don’t worry, I don’t think you’re bad :) I don’t think it’s harmful :) it’s just my issue :)’ whenever speaking about Holies, it would have been GOOD and I would have REALLY respected them. Even while everything they’ve actually said about their opinion of souls in other contexts is such that it fundamentally precludes and rejects, as sick and as nothingness and deluded and incapable of being real, the entire concept and lived real existence of Holies (Tamar: I saw them, I am someone who’s done that) — but then Lucifer being actively explicitly validated [again, i mean ‘gets validated’ as in the book states this, with a positive-presence, tell not show wording, while also refusing to admit anyone else influencing Eliya as much or more. i do NOT mean ‘waaahh it’s Obviously Validated becuz Lucifer doesn’t get explicitly called out’ or whatever]. 

In fact, this specific struggle, between what they state to be True, and what Tamar’s very existence declares to be a truth, would have echoed the struggle of their backstory, and conveyed the message of this book more powerfully, more clearly, more sincerely. But seeing Lucifer instead warp a way into an actively (tell not show) defined enlightened master position in the book’s narrative structure made me shake a bit, not going to lie.

Continued uhhhhhhh soon, links to other parts (continually updated) under the cut:

2

[deunan403]

Oh my gosh your ‘the name is English’ fanfic is so good. Any advice on getting like. The distinct voices of each of the characters? I’m just dabbling in homestuck fiction and I think I got Dave and rose and jade. But John and the alpha kids are hard

(Edited: I kept thinking about the mistakes I made in this explanation so I’ve finally gone back and fixed them pfffft, Also like... I think I might’ve misconstrued the kind of answer anon was going for, in which case, only the very end end of this long ass response is useful. Welp.)

SO FIRST OFF, I am insanely flattered anyone is asking my advice on how to write Homestuck characters because these are some of the most difficult characters I’ve ever written. Thank you so much! These kids each have an insane amount of dimension to them and I completely understand why they come off a bit intimidating to write correctly. I don’t even think I do that good of a job, lmao. Anywho, I’mma go ahead and apologize in advance because I got a little carried away with my advice. When I get to explaining things I like to over-explain and hope you just pick out what ends up bein actually useful to you. There is... a lot of shit under this cut, so be warned.

Hello! Welcome to this wordy as fuck space under the cut. (Edit: It won’t format correctly so ALL this bullshit under the cut. Thanks tumblr. SMD plz). Unfortunately I can't describe the way they talk without deconstructing a little bit on how I view each of their personalities because a part of me insists it's better to provide context and examples, so again, I'm sorry for these unnecessarily long ramblings. Skip to about the center of each paragraph if you want to focus on speech pattern-specific things, eheheheh.

John's pretty difficult for me too because his vernacular slate isn't as colorful as everyone else's, but this is kind of what I've come to understand about him: His general reaction to everything is a mixture of chipper and blasé--going with the flow. He kind of became the “straight man” in HS to combat the way everyone else was reacting to the wild shit that eventually went down. At face value, the way he talks makes him come off as a simple dude -- what you see is what you get, which isn't necessarily true. He's honest about his feelings but at the same time it seems like he has difficulty processing and understanding them, which makes them come through much milder than what you'd expect for the situation. It's probably why he absorbed his dad's death very slowly and got hit hard when it finally processed that he was gone for good. But not many things get all the way through his initial blaséness which actually makes him kind of callous in that he can give oddly indifferent responses to things others would consider a big deal, such as when Terezi died in front of him. He looked at her corpse and was just like "Eugh. She's so weird." Like damn dude, that’s cold. Ain’t like she bled to death or nothing. Anyway, some speech pattern specific things I keep in mind when I write him: He doesn't use a lot of big words, sticking to casual, simple responses, most of them positive or enthusiastic sounding. He sometimes uses old man speech and idioms, like Jake but toned down by like 85%. He's a bit slow on the uptake, points out the obvious, and says things that he thinks are clever but he's either completely missing the mark or being lame in general, not to say he can't sometimes be particularly sassy/savage, especially when it comes to his immediate friends because he knows them and can see through their bullshit better than he can with other people he doesn't know that well. In the chat client, he likes to divide combined words like "what ever" and "time line". If you're being canon compliant, he adopted some chat quirks from Vriska after they dated, such as multiplying punctuations by 8 for emphasis!!!!!!!! (edit: Ignore this last part. I think I may be thinking of a dead john, lmao.)

Jane's also a little difficult but easier than John since speech-wise, she's more of a balance between him and Jake + if they were super skeptical about everything and cared about being smart. She's actually kind of a wild card to me, because sometimes she has probably some of the most realistic reactions to the more ridiculous things in HS, but has grown used to equally ludicrous happenings such as the assassination attempts on her life in her intro. She also tends to wear her heart on her sleeve, and has quite the temper. She tries to override her more emotional responses with good southern manners because she's polite, god dammit! When her short fuse isn't ignited, her bottomless passion fuels her cheerfulness as well as her fearlessness. She's also pretty inquisitive, about the world around her as well as towards her friends, asking them questions to understand what they may be dealing with better. She tries really hard to be reasonable about things but struggles with letting other things that may be in play ruffle her well-kept feathers. Speech pattern-wise, she vacillates between speaking like a normal teen and a grandma, to a way lesser extent than Jake. Initially, she tries to keep it prim and proper--sophisticated like a southern suburban housewife with an interesting hint of embellished self-narrative like she's the protagonist of a Noir comic (like here), but when real shit starts to go down, she gets quite a bit more casual (like when they're on their quest slabs here). That is to say, I wouldn't say her normal way of talking is something that doesn't come naturally to her because it totally does, but she loses most of the laciness because short and to the point is better, which is the case for any of the kids with more flavorful quirks. She tends to steamroll over other people when she gets passionate about a topic, but when that's not happening, she's actually super accommodating, to the point of viciously ignoring her own feelings so she can be a voice of reason. In the chat client, she uses toothy emojis like :B.

Roxy, on the other hand, comes pretty easily for me because she's really similar to one of my closest friends and speaks much the same way we do when we're chill. We're also from the south, where much of the youth talk like Roxy does, lmao. Roxy is probably the most accommodating of any of the kids, readily bending over backwards to cater to her friends' needs and letting her own needs take a backseat, which probably leads to a lot of resentment she keeps buried. But she's still the chillest one, taking just about everything in stride before and after her alcoholism. She tends to get sad before she ever gets angry. And if she does get angry, it's usually only frustration at others for being difficult. Communication-wise, she's the most shorthanded--thinking and living in chat-speak. She's all about living her best life and taking care of her family so things are fun and peaceful. She wants to be super sure of herself (like Dirk) because she wants to be reliable. When talking, she likes to use a bunch of metaphors (again, like Dirk), and she tends to casually throw in a lot of puns too, such as when she tells Jake that they're still "humanated" when he asks if he's alienated her too. The nature of her responses is typically pretty flippant, even when things are serious. It's probably obvious that getting comfortable with general Ebonics will help a lot when writing her. In chat client, I try to remember these things: typos only happen when she's drunk--when typing her drunk, I avoid actively trying to give her slurred speech. Instead, I kind of let my fingers type a little more haphazardly and leave the typos I made that sound like mistakes she would make. She only tries to correct a small portion of her typos, more frequently the closer she is to sobriety. When she IS sober, her shorthand isn't consistent. One sentence she'll write "u" and the next, she'll write "you". Same thing with "2" and "to" or "4" and "for", etc. She'll cut out unnecessary letters in words, use typical chat abbrevs, and only use singular letters in place of a whole word, like "y" for "yes". Also uses smileys and other signs like <3. She's super fun for me to write because she comes away with a general feeling of "lmao" if that makes any sense.

Jake I'm always worried I'm doing wrong but he seems to be the one people love my characterization of the most so far, lmao. So I guess I must be doing something right. The thing about Jake is he wants to be the "likeable character". He takes what people want in a guy and molds that into this garbled persona. So when he talks to others, even his friends, he tries to be super agreeable, positive and supportive, regardless of the subject matter; he’s always talking these people up to make them feel good about themselves so that they enjoy conversing with him. But the reality is that he's extremely (but not necessarily intentionally) self-centered. He also aggressively ignores anything negative or forcefully turns it into something positive even when it doesn't make sense. He only tends to express frustration when others (Dirk) are being difficult; I don't remember if he ever actually gets angry in the comic?? He also likes to express surprise/amazement at things (a lot more than the other kids do at least), at the beginning of his responses, even when someone says something that's particularly obvious. The thing that gets me about Jake is that his superficial shell is so impenetrable, I don't think that issue was ever really fully addressed, much less fixed in HS, which leaves a lot of questions about his character & several different but valid interpretations of him by the audience. He may very well actually just be an oblivious idiot who's suffered brain damage one too many times (there's not too many pieces of supporting evidence to negate this) but I personally like to think Jake is far more complicated than that. I mean, look at how many convos he's grabbed the helm of and steered into a completely different direction just so he doesn't have to deal with something. His speech is probably the one I have to look up references for the most because he uses a fuckton of idioms you'd only hear one’s well-meaning but probably unintentionally racist poppop use, and a weird mixture of western/country and british vocab + bro speech he probably adopted while talking to Dirk. This is one list I find super useful when trying to find words to use (bless this person), but I still have to google a bunch of goofy phrases and words to be sure I'm not exhausting my material. One thing I know I do wrong when it comes to Jake's speech is use modern British slang such as "bloody" and "bloke", which is something he absolutely never does but I use them anyways because... idfc, I guess, idk. lol, I acknowledge it so it's fine.

Dirk is probably the one that comes easiest to me because he and I behave and talk pretty similarly. Either that, or I just like to think that and I'm just projecting while writing him completely wrong, lmao. Either way, Dirk hides behind the fact that he's super chill and levelheaded when really he's a nervous paranoid wreck. He's always thinking and overthinking about everything and he never gives himself a god damn break. He calculates every response he gives so it comes off exactly the way he wants it to, so when it doesn't because he's caught off guard, you get to see these little snippets of this dude freaking out underneath. He's a neurotic control freak that makes sure the flow of conversation stays on a set course he wants it to or else he gets either uncomfortable or pissed off. He skirts around anything that might get personal to him and dismisses any focus that sheds light on his own emotions UNLESS he feels, again, that he can control that flow of conversation. Or he's already emotionally compromised. Either way, he avoids conditions that might catch him actually being vulnerable because he's just too fuckin' proud. He likes to make a lot of comparisons, using extended metaphors and milking the fuck out of them if he can get away with it because the more he talks, the more he feels in control. He likes to smoothly play along with people he finds are being ridiculous, like Jake and Caliborn, or even just because he knows they'll know he's just playing along like Roxy. That's a key thing for me actually--how much he likes to fuck with people and how inelegantly he takes it in those rare cases someone successfully fucks with him. His speech seems to be a balance between Rose and Dave, a chill bro with access to the biggest vocabulary ever. I encourage aiming towards sounding like a pretentious asshole when writing Dirk because that's what he is all the time sometimes. He likes to Dirk-splain because more often than not he knows exactly what he's talking about, but he also doesn't realize his Dirk-splaining is something no one needed or asked for. Even though he's acknowledged and now resents the ludicrous size of his own ego, he still struggles with not stroking it at every opportunity. He’s a super capable, reliable guy and he knows it, but the reality is that much of what he plans for doesn’t work out. It’s only when he and his friends are really in the shit and he doesn’t have time to think that instinct takes over and he ends up doing some hella amazing things (Unite: Synchronization). That’s why his whole thought process of being better off alone is dangerous--he’s capable because he has people he loves relying on him. (I went off on a tangent unrelated to speech here. I’m sorry. I got a lot of feelings about Dirk and his selfishness vs. his selflessness, lol)

With all that, these are some general notes I try to abide by:

The ramblers of the kids are Dirk, Dave, and Jake, the former two especially when they're anxious. Dave's definitely the worst in that regard. The Striders both act like they wanna come off as men of few words and both fail miserably; it seems like being forced to live in verbal silence for a good portion of their lives gave both of these social wrecks a stigma against any gaps in conversation. Jake on the other hand rambles because he's self-important, not unlike Dirk. It's almost like he's not sure how else to contribute to the conversation if it's not about movies or himself.

For me, it actually helps that I think Dirk and Jake may both be on the spectrum. (I'm sorry if the following offends anyone who is on the spectrum, but this is just my general experience talking to people with those conditions). It certainly explains why their joint communication is so shit and why they either both give long-winded explanations that no one really asks for, or extract themselves from conversations they don't have a good foothold in, the latter being way more common for Jake (I hint a little at all this in my fic, moreso for Jake via Dirk's observations). They both want to be heard but may have difficulty being good listeners because their heads are already filled to the brim with things that have been cycling since before the other person has started talking.

On a final note, I find it pretty important to note the changes in each character's demeanor and way of talking after certain things happen. A glaring example is the Alpha Kids' behaviors after the batshit candy juju episode they all had. When Jake's broken out of his glorified, overwhelmingly positive fake self-image, he's actually very self-critical. However, his self-centeredness is hard to break out of, so when he broods on all the flaws he'd ignored in favor of being the guy everyone likes, he directed all of his nervous energy into finding reassurance from Roxy. (This self-deprecation could've also been born from his constant need to be agreeable, so since he thought everyone considered him to be a piece of shit, he felt the need to agree that was the case. Depends on how you read it.) Roxy had a shorter fuse and was a bit more snappy and resistant to dealing with Jake's ridiculousness. Jane remained calm and acknowledged she can be a bit too stubborn and self-righteous. Dirk finally took a step back from the details and absorbed the big picture of his problematic expectations toward his friends and himself. It’s just something to keep in mind if you fear you’re getting kind of OOC with their personalities. It’s natural for people to behave different based on changes in their mood, so don’t be afraid to experiment.

All that being said (I lied about that final note), I go back and reference the comic a lot when I’m unsure whether I’m representing a character accurately. It’s a good habit to double-check yourself. If you’re unsure how you’re writing a response but wanna move on, write it the best you can and then come back to it later and revise after reading a few conversations that include that character.

Most importantly of all: the thesaurus is your fucking best friend of all time. Fuck everyone else. The thesaurus is your god damn hero. I find “define:”ing words on google actually super helpful when trying to find synonyms that work better for me.

But that’s it! I hope you found at least a few things helpful in that word splurge of fumbling analyses. And thanks a bunch for reading my fic! It’s not super popular so it’s reassuring to know there are people out there who really enjoy it. Keeps me trying to update regularly at the very least.

[multi-fandom-nutjob]

How I’d tweak every Smash Character(Part I)

Hello, everyone! Cinnamon-Guardian here! I love Smash Bros to death, but not everything is perfect. I’ve been mulling over some ideas on how to tweak some characters to be better(or at least more accurate to their series of origin).

This won’t be super concerned with balancing, but tier list standings and how broken or whack certain moves are will be taken into consideration. This disclaimer is just me saying I am in no way claiming that I could do better than Sakurai or any of the other developers! This is purely to have fun and flex my creative muscles to try and get better at this sorta thing.

Mario

With Mario, I’m pretty happy with most of his tech, from his standard moves to his smash attacks and his neutral and recovery specials. The aspects of him that frustrate me the most are his down and side specials, both of whom I ultimately think could be better.

The Down Special works well in theory, pushing opponents back without any sort of hit-stun so that it won’t reset their recoveries any. The flaw I see is that it has no use beyond that. As such, I propose that Flud’s bursts do chip damage, akin to Fox’s blaster. That way, it can do very minor damage and still push opponents back without resetting their recoveries.

The Side Special, in contrast, works decently enough in practice but feels hallow in homage. The Cape Feather that it draws upon appeared only once in Super Mario World, a game that admittedly did exceedingly well, but also came out in 1990. When implemented, it works as a great reflector, but nothing more. As such, I propose it be replaced with the Luma Spin from the Super Mario Galaxy titles! The creators clearly know that there is a sizeable fandom for the dualogy, seeing as how Rosalina joined the roster. The Luma Spin could serve as a valuable reflector itself, but could also act as a secondary, more instantaneous smash attack that could even have some horizontal recovery to it akin to DK’s recovery. It could do all that the Cape Feather did and more with a more contemporary fandom!

Donkey Kong

Off the bat, I think something Donkey Kong needs more of is Speed. While he is the poster child for the slow and heavy characters at the bottom of the tier list, in the games where he is playable, he possesses ample agility.

The main means through which I would propose adding more speed is through a more refined dash attack. In the games, he could steamroll through enemies at ludicrous speeds. While I don’t think it needs to be as fast as Sonic or Captain Falcon, his dash attack could be a powerful roll attack that could boost him forward more.

Adding more onto his agility, I believe that his jumps should have much more of a vertical gain and have ample momentum to it. That way, when combined with his horizontally focused recovery, DK could regain his footing much better than most heavy characters. His special moves don’t need much, if any major alteration.

Link

I think Ultimate gave us the best Link we’ve seen to date, made incredibly distinct from the other two and given more weight than before. My thoughts ultimately fall on his grab and recovery.

In order to keep in line with Breath of the Wild, Link lost the hook-shot grab that he’s had since Smash debuted, severally nerfing his grappling prowess. To replace it, I would have altered it to be the Magnesium Powers you get early on. That way, Link can still have a long-range grab, but it could be slower and easier to break out of so that it’s not broken.

As for recovery, Link is still the same old Link, spinning ‘till he pukes. One thing that stood out in BotW, however, was the glider. If brought into Smash, it could effectively be the same as Peach and Daisy’s, with a sharp upward draft followed by a slow horizontally focused descent.

Samus

Samus has always been sort of the Black Sheep of the Original Roster, characterized by idling shooting inefficient projectiles from a corner. A far-cry from the ass-kicking bounty hunter we all know she is! In Ultimate, most of her competitive gameplay is centered around her charging dash attack and her grab, as if she were a football player.

How do we change that? By letting her move more, of course! As such, her neutral special will get a massive revamp, as it defaults to a pea-shooter mode that allows her to move about as she’s shooting, only having to stop for her side special, which itself will be upgraded to the ice rockets because if she can’t move, you can’t move either! The Charge Shot will only come out after you shoot and hold down the Special Move Button, making it practically the only chargeable move that you can freely move and charge simultaneously! The damage for the pea-shooter and charge shot will stay about the same, as anymore would break the game. Every other special move and her grab are all good, but since she’s so mobile, her charge attack will be replaced with a charge more akin to the energy charge she had in Super Metroid

Dark Samus

Okay, so, I don’t HATE hate echo fighters, but I do hate echo fighters who stick too close to the original’s gameplay. Dark Samus is pretty much on par with Daisy in that regard.

Off the bat, I think a slower but more powerful approach would suit her character better. It would also add to the tone of her gameplay more in my opinion.

The only big change I’d make to Specials are the Recovery and Down Special. The Screw Attack is amazing, don’t get me wrong, but it only really makes sense for Samus herself. As lame as it might sound, a massive boost in whatever direction she chooses, akin to Lucario, would fit Dark Samus better.

As for her Down Special, though, I have a more interesting idea. Dark Samus is made of Phazon, a sort of super energy. If she replaced the bombs with charging it up, it could heavily empower her Neutral Special(again like Lucario but more naturally than taking damage).

Yoshi

I kinda love him as he is. No real changes to be made honestly.

Kirby

Kirby is a character that frustrates me. His games have so much creativity with the premise of absorbing powers, but he only uses the Neutral Special of whoever absorbs him. But I do have an idea on how to change that!

Not only will he gain the Neutral Special of whoever he absorbs, but he will also gain “aspects” of that character. For example, if he absorbs Ganon, he becomes heavier and his moves have dark aura effects. If he absorbs Sonic, he and all of his moves becomes faster. If he absorbs Charizard, all of his moves have dire effects and his Side-Special gets a massive upgrade at the cost of damaging himself.

Fox

Okay, so, the thing that made Fox both legendary and infamous was how fundamentally broken he was as a character in Melee. Watching a pro-player use him was like watching a Shonen fight. At the risk of obliterating the tier list again, my goal now is to recapture that without breaking him too badly.

What Fox needs more of is consistent momentum. The main way to tweak this by reshaping the Side Special into something with more raw power but more need for precision. Being a dash attack of sorts, the main goal now is to make it both faster and more chargeable. When Fox crouches, it will charge until released, and it will go in the direction of the analogue stick akin to the recovery. This can be quicker than it is now if you release it quickly, however, though it will do marginally less damage. If running, it will default to the no-charge version for an instant strike for little damage.

This revision, however, would make the recovery seem obsolete in comparison, which is why the Recovery will default do more damage than even the max-charged side and go much further, almost being a smash attack in comparison. As such, we have a very fast and powerful Fox that can move in every direction.

How will it be balanced, then? Well, the Reflector will still be stationary, and most of his attacks will have reduced damage to ensure he doesn’t end every round before it starts.

Pikachu and Luigi

I don’t really have anything for either of these, besides the fact that I wish they have the same Final Smashes as Brawl.

Ness

Can I confess something? I hate Ness and Lucas. So much. I hate playing as either of them and I especially hate fighting either of them.

And you know what else? None of their special moves are canon! That’s right! All of the PK moves they use are from different characters! So my move would be to replace them with a far more accurate and less spam-ridden moveset. That is all. Fuck PK Fire.

Captain Falcon

Okay so, this is a Football Player that makes sense *cough, Samus, cough*. My main concern is that his side and down specials are too similar((much like another speedster)). While I don’t think taking the speed from the second fastest character in the game is at all fair, I think a set-up move for the Falcon Punch could work wonders.

As such, I think his Down Special should be replaced with a flaming kick spin tornado of sorts! That way he can juggle the opponent for some minor damage and set them up for a Falcon Punch that comes out too fast for them to dodge. Make for the best combo in the game honestly.

Jigglypuff

What is there to be done for a joke character? Well, Jigglypuff isn’t a joke character anymore! So a lot, actually!

Firstly, her neutral special should replace her side special. That side was a waste of a slap anyways. For her new neutral, however, it should be a Fairy Type move of some sort. My main choices as of now are “Dazzling Gleam” or “Play Rough.”

Dazzling Gleam is self-explanatory, essentially being a burst of energy in all directions, which is surprisingly rare in Smash(kind of like a weaker but further reaching version of her Down Special). Play Rough could tackle an opponent into a cloud of dirt as they cartoonishly fight until the opponent jumps out, doing combo damage overtime.

That’s all for tonight! I plan on doing more of these down the line, but I don’t have any sort of schedule for that and make no promises.

[thesrhughes]

Things Not To Say In a Horror Movie - A Clickbait Listicle by Me

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Things Not To Say In a Horror Movie - A Clickbait Listicle by Me

THIS IS HOW I SCREAM INTO THE VOID.

Hey, readers, it’s me, again.  If you haven’t noticed, I don’t make very frequent use of my blog, and am always working on habits to change this.  So, today, I’m writing a brief listicle about something I have a fair knowledge of: stupid shit characters say in horror movies and books.  It’s almost like the characters aren’t even genre savvy!

Although I generally write contemporary supernatural fantasy, I usually include horror elements and use a lot of traditional horror tropes and plot devices.  This is because I love horror.  I read significant volumes of horror literature.  I watch significant amounts of horror film.  Through these vehicles, I’ve managed to gain a knowledge of what NOT to say during tense/terrifying moments.

(You’ll notice a large volume of capitalized words in this listicle– they’re capitalized to indicate that they refer to tropes/cliches and literary/movie shortcuts.  If you don’t know what I mean, already, you’ll figure it out.)

“Let’s Split Up!”

The most grievous sin in the world of horror: splitting up.  It might’ve turned out okay for Scooby & The Gang, but in most horror/supernatural situations, it ends with grotesque, anguished death.

PROTIP: if you’re ever in an allegedly-haunted mansion, creeping through dusty hallways and ducking around strained, limp cobwebs…stick together!  If you’re exploring the dark, overgrown woods surrounding the way-too-cheap cabin you and your friends rented for your weekend vacation…stick together!

When to say it: literally never.

How to survive: use the buddy system!

“I’ll Be Right Back.”

No, you won’t.  This tethers into the “Let’s Split Up!” situations.  Often, the person who will “be right back” (LOL) is going to check on a strange sound, or fix a broken generator, or get a spare tire.  Sometimes there’s a broken down car and our poor victim (I mean “volunteer”) goes off to get his/her own vehicle for a jumpstart.  No matter what the reason is, you can rest assured that this person will most certainly NOT be right back.  Ever.  At all.

PROTIP: if you’re ever trying to escape a horror situation, and your car breaks down…stick together!  Did a masked killer cut the power to your (aforementioned) weekend cabin?  Better turn on those flashlights and, I cannot stress this enough, STICK TOGETHER.  Is the generator out of fuel during a zombie apocalypse?  Maybe that’s the world’s way of telling you to move on.

When to say it: when you really don’t want to be right back.

How to survive: bring another survivor with you, and be prepared to spend a significant amount of time away from the party.  You’ll still probably die, but if you’re not alone and you have a lot of patience, you might last a while.

“Most Cops Never See Action.” / “Most Cops Never Draw Their Guns.”

This only applies to cops.  If you’re not a cop, feel free to say it!  But if you are a cop, using these phrases at any point during the story means you will 100% definitely “see action” and, if you’re lucky, you’ll even get to “draw your gun.”  Unfortunately, most horror story killers/monsters are pretty smart about ambushing police officers, so there’s a decent chance you won’t get your sidearm unholstered before being machete’d in half or eaten alive.  But good news!  If you’re in a haunting scenario (a la Last Shift), your gun wouldn’t have saved you anyway.

PROTIP: don’t be a cop in a horror movie or book, it dramatically reduces your chance of survival.  If you are a cop in a horror movie/book, you’ll want to be a (Wo)Man on the Edge, a Loose Cannon, or a Hothead.  Being quick to draw a weapon might lead you to shoot one of the other survivors during a self-damning Fall From Grace, but it’ll give you a better chance against the masked murderer or supernatural monster coming for your blood.

When to say it: (1) if you’re not a cop, (2) if you Don’t Fear Death, or (3) you’re a Survivor Girl/Guy from a previous entry in the franchise.

How to survive: once you’ve said this, you drastically reduce your options at survival.  You will most certainly see action and need to draw a gun, so just get your gun out now and never holster it again.

BUT ALSO

“Three Weeks From Retirement.”

Sorry, buddy, but the chances that you’ll be seeing a pension don’t look great.  Although this phrase usually issues from the genre-blind mouths of cops and soldiers, anyone close to retirement at the beginning of a story is likely to die by the end.  If you’re a mechanic or other blue collar worker, however, it’s likely you’ll Sacrifice Yourself for the Greater Good, so at least your death might have some meaning.

It gets worse.  If you’re a cop three weeks away from retirement and you’ve Never Drawn Your Gun…I’m really sorry, I really am, but you’re already dead.

PROTIP: be a Millennial– we’ll literally never retire!

When to say it: you might be able to pull it off if you aren’t a cop or soldier…but the odds still don’t look good.  Try to be a blue collar worker, if you can, because then at least you’ll have a chance at Redeeming Your Dark Backstory when you Sacrifice Yourself for the Greater Good.

How to survive: instead of retiring, have a big blow-out with your boss at the beginning of the story and lose your job.  Or: hopefully you recently Lost Your Life Savings paying for a friend, family member, or loved one to undergo medical treatment.

“I Think He’s/She’s/It’s Dead.”

To quote Kevin Spacey from Superman Returns…

WRONG.

The masked killer/supernatural monster is never dead.  As soon as you turn around, he/she/it is going to get right back up and kill you.

PROTIP: kill him/her/it harder.  Do you have a gun?  Keep shooting!  Did you somehow swipe the killer’s machete?  Better act like the Red Queen and get enthusiastic about beheadings!  Short of running the thing down with a steamroller, you probably haven’t finished the killer/monster off quite yet.

When to say it: once there are brains and skull fragments all over the floor and/or once the killer/monster has been literally steamrolled.

How to survive: once you’ve sufficiently slaughtered the Bad Guy, remember to Set the Corpse Ablaze.

“It’s Probably Nothing.”

Next to “Let’s Split Up!” this is the dumbest thing to say.  It’s almost never ‘nothing,’ in a horror story.  The scratch at the window, the strange sound outside, the ruffling foliage…none of that is ‘nothing.’  Oh, do you think It’s Just the Wind?  Hahahaha, I hope you like getting murdered!

If you’re in a strange place and think you maybe saw a ghost…assume you saw a ghost.  Did your doorbell ring but then nobody was at the door?  Better get ready for a nightmarish struggle for your very existence!  If you’re hanging out at that creepy cabin with your friends…pay attention to strange twig snaps and unexpected bush ruffling.  Oh, and the generator never just runs out of fuel.

PROTIP: JUST ALWAYS ASSUME IT’S PROBABLY SOMETHING.

When to say it: if you’re in a romance story or a literary tragicomedy.  I mean, you’ll still be wrong, but you (probably) won’t end up dead because of it.

How to survive: assume it’s probably something, retreat from the area, and ALWAYS USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM.

  So that’s it for my lame clickbait listicle.  I hope you’re all a little smarter, now.  And, if you’ve already said some of these things recently, just remember: death is inevitable, and hopefully it will be over soon.

[skairy]

Yes please! Give me stories! Give me details! Give me anecdotes! Meeting those boys is my actual dream.

Ok, so, basically, as I sat down and tried to respond to this, I became increasingly aware that during the Glorious Interaction I was extremely spaced out, and I am therefore struggling to remember specifics - but I’ve tried my best!!!!! Also it’s disgustingly long so if you want to read a short story/what is essentially a stream of consciousness diary entry, go for it, or alternatively I wrote a short summary at the end of the MAIN DISCUSSION POINTS.

Alright so basically, my pal Maria and I had actually gone to the first Melbourne CSH show the week before, that had been dope etc, but then my other friend Ab got a ticket to the second show and wanted me to accompany him. I wasn’t particularly keen to buy a ticket, ‘cause Maria and I had just been scammed trying to buy tickets for Laneway, so we wanted to save our money a little. Instead, Maria and I agreed to go hang with Ab and have drinks at the Gaso (the pub they were playing at).

When Ab went in to the show, Maria and I had a wonderful conversation with the bartender. Ab then messaged me all ‘oh my god they’re playing Sober to Death’ and I kinda freaked out, so the bartender, like, pulled some strings and got us in for free for the last half of the set!!!!!

Just like the first time, the show was fucking amazing ~ I honestly can’t talk it up enough! I’m not exactly sure how to explain what was so good about it - I mean, the music sounded great, but also like, it was a very fun and high energy performance.

So yeah, the gig finished, and I wanted to chill for a lil while to ensure I was alright to drive. It was pretty hectic inside the pub so we found a quiet little spot around the corner, and we sat down listening to some music/chatting.

THEN!!!!! After ~half an hr, Seth, Ethan and Will came around the corner!!!!

I mean, it was kind of weird, we were all just… sitting down on the street corner, huddled under some tree - I’m sure it was a very tragic sight.

As they were walking past we all just like, went silent. Ab and Maria eventually got up and approached the guys/their van (it was pretty hilarious to watch, they creeped over with such a bizarre mix of eagerness and tentativeness - it was like they were really bad actors in a movie about terrible thieves). Anyway I was still sitting ‘cause I felt kinda apprehensive - I didn’t want to be annoying/intrusive etc but at the same time…….. I wanted to meet these people who I obviously think are really cool.

But yeah I heard Ab ask for a photo, and saw the #Boys approach approach them, and my eagerness to join in (and lack of faith in Maria’s ability to take a decent photo) got the better of me so I leapt up and scurried over.

Ohhhhkay also lmao so, because Maria hadn’t actually intended to go into the gig that night, she’d done a little grocery shopping beforehand, and had bought a massive ass bunch of kale. So, I was carrying it with me when we approached the Boyz and like, for some reason, when it was my turn to get a pic, I decided it would be a good idea to be like ‘eyyyy Will lmao wanna like hold this kale haha it would be funny’ and he just like, so nonchalantly said something like ‘yeah alright,’ and proceeded to, well, hold the kale….. so, that awfully boring story about Will holding kale explains why, in my photo with them, Will is holding kale.

Anyway yah, as it turned out, they were waiting around for Andrew. So, ‘cause they weren’t super rushed or anything, we hung around making conversation. But uh, as I was rudely reminded of that night, both Ab and Maria are pretty quiet when they are meeting new people, so I (regrettably) took it upon myself to keep the conversation flowing and ended up just……… like…….. well I feel like I embarrassed myself by being too OTT.

My first topic of conversation was just like, talking about how sweet the live show was, which I think probably made them feel as embarrassed as most people are when they are paid compliments, so I was like ‘oh I’m sorry you probably get that a lot!’ but then Ethan was all ‘oh, no, not really!! Thank you!’ in a very genuine and appreciative way (I hope he never sees this and is like ‘wow - totally misquoted’ because I truly am doing the best I can to wrack my hazy brain).

Then we talked about how, the next day they were going to my hometown, Adelaide. Maria alleges that at that point Will mumbled ‘I’ve never been to Adelaide,’ but I guess I didn’t hear cause I was too busy saying something dumb like ‘haha yeah Adelaide is great!! We have uh…. some…… real good cafés!!!’ and then Ab interjected, talking some shit about my sweet city, to which Ethan replied like, ‘oh, no, I’ve only heard good things about Adelaide!’ which made me feel totally grateful and vindicated (but also slightly disbelieving - I mean, WHO was saying this nice stuff about Adelaide???).

At some point I complimented Ethan on his very cool outfit, and he told us that his denim jacket was given to him at a festival!!! I also told Will that his getup was very crisp (I explained that ‘crisp’ is my fav word for describing nice/cool/fresh things, because it’s just. a great word) and lmao I honestly can’t even remember how he reacted to that - I think partially that was ‘cause I was too nervous to look at him, and partially ‘cause he was probably tired and generally wasn’t reacting all that much.

I also started to talk about how we had gotten into the gig for free that night and then froze up and worried that was like, a social faux pas, but Seth and Ethan were all nah!!!!!! good on u!!!!! congrats!!!!

AND OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THIS - honestly this is more a story about me than anything else, but um, I was feeling very self conscious about how much I was talking, and my plan was to say something like ‘ahhhh ahah I feel like I’m steamrolling you guys’ to Maria and Ab, but then after I started the sentence, the only word my mind could summon was ‘rickroll,’ so I was freaking out for a few seconds, trying to remember the correct word, whilst also grappling with the image of a dancing Rick Astley in my head. It was 2 much.

Oh and yeah at the end, we went back and sat under our tree, but then I realised I’d left the bag of groceries over by the car. So, I had to like, slink back over to #TheBoys and be like eyyyyy guyzzz just picking up my groceries that I genuinely accidentally left over here Ha Ha not being a creep!!!! Then I yelled ‘sorry’ to Maria for having almost left her groceries behind, but, then, I think it was Seth, he thought I was talking to him and was like ‘haha?? don’t worry? it’s ok!’ with a slightly confused look on his face and idk I just died a little. I was like ‘ohhhh noooo not you’ but then that made it all more awkward. Truly cringe guys. Never meet ur Idols™ (jk) (sort of) (just be cool and not like me)

SHORT VERSION~

I had kale with me from a supermarket trip and I thought it would be funny to ask Will to hold it. He honestly reacted like it was nothing out of the ordinary to carry around bunches of kale and ask strangers to hold them in photos with you, which was both reassuring and disconcerting - anyway yea so that is why he is holding KALE in that photo.

We complimented them all on how awesome the live show was and I think they got a little embarrassed, but they were very friendly and receptive to the compliment.

We talked about my hometown, Adelaide - the next place they were going on the Laneway tour - and Ethan very enthusiastically told us he had only heard good things about it; i found that comment especially nice ‘cause a lot of ppl like to take the piss out of Adelaide lol.

We also discussed how groovy Ethan’s outfit was, and he told us he’d been given his denim jacket at a festival!!! so that was pretty cool.

I also told them we’d gotten into the gig for free (we’d already paid to see them the week before so it’s not like i’m a total sack) and seth and ethan were like wooooo good for u!!!!!!!

~~~erhmmmmm yah, i dunno i feel like this post is super boring and lame ‘cause, upon reflection, we didn’t really talk about anything of substance, but i still had a fab time. i hope u could find something of interest in this novella