#so yeah my inquisitor is just like OH LOOK ITS FUCKING PROBLEMS GUY

[arrowpunk]

No okay but like Dragon Age Inquisition is SO funny though like the main conflicts right now are the Mage/Templar war and this Corypheus guy and like. Both of those things can be traced back to Hawke. Like they might not be Hawke's fault per se but Hawke did have a large part in both of those things. And then Varric fuckin. Brings Hawke to Skyhold as if the Inquisitor isn't just gonna be like

[thelordofdarkreunion]

Magnificent Scoundrels- We’re the Best

“This is Unit Delta-5-9!  We need immediate reinforcements!  We’re getting torn up over here!”

“Copy that, Delta-5-9.  Who are the hostiles in your area?”

“Commander Shepard is here!  Repeat, Commander Shepard is here!”

“Copy that.  Anyone else?”

“There’s one guy in some sort of silver armor.  With a spear!  He’s tearing up our guys like it’s no problem!”

“...repeat last.”

“Yes, he’s got a spear!  And there are these two guys in trench coats, too!”

“What are they doing?”

“Uh… dancing?” “...”

“And there’s some other guy, too.  He’s moving too fast for us to track, and… where did he go?”

“Hello.” 

“Wha-” [Several gunshots are fired.  Transmission ends.]  -Transmission Intercepted from Attacking Force Delta by combined Quarian/Starfleet/Mechanicus operatives

“The elevators in this place are so goddamn slow.”  Shepard shrugged at Drake, a move which made him bump against Vir.  

“Yeah, I know.  Cramped, too.”  

“Got that right,” muttered Quill as he jostled for position with Cooper.  Drake sighed and activated his wrist computer.  

“Might as well do something useful.  Ordelphine!  Saul!  Whoever the hell’s up there.  You might have heard, but we have problems down here.  Every available crewmember is to deploy with full… everything.  Heavy weapons, heavy armor, tell Garang to wear the power armor, and get Kraiker, Mark, Oliver, and Muelka to get down here with all their stuff.”  He paused for a moment, then pressed the transmit button with almost indecent haste.  “And tell Muelka to not set anything on fire!”  He shrugged at Shepard and Quill’s curious expressions.  “I think it would be best if my crew and I were remembered for saving the Citadel, not blowing it up.”  Vir shrugged and nodded.

“Makes sense.  Actually, I ought to get my crew down here too.”  He tapped the communications button on the side of his Iron Eye helmet.  “Simone!  Cannon!  Get the Marines, Valhallans, and Drev clan down here!  This is a full battle.  Extended combat operations, so be ready for that.”

“Understood, sir.  I…  uh… Conn wants me to tell you that… “A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror.  Bet you didn’t see that coming.”  What the hell?  Conn, you little-”  Vir shook his head.

“It’s fine.  So as long as he stays there.  We don’t want to freak too many people out.”  

“Yes, sir.  Although that means I’m stuck with him,” responded a slightly put-out Simone.

“Have fun!” replied Vir with a bit too much cheerfulness than was required.

“I’m sure I will, sir.”  Vir released the comms button on his helmet and shook his head again.  

“I’m not so sure I want to meet Conn,” intoned Quill.  

“Take my advice and just… don’t,” replied Vir.  Quill nodded. 

“Fair enough.”  he rubbed his chin for a moment.  “At least I don’t have to contact anyone.  Everyone from my ship is in the other elevator.”

“Maybe you should have gone with them,” muttered Cooper as he jostled against Quill once more.  

“No.  Drax is there, and he takes up way too much space as it is.”  Shepard shook his head at their banter, and activated his comms as well.

“Miranda, get the ground team down here.  The entire ground team.”

“Should I come along as well?” replied a woman’s Australian-accented voice.  Shepard considered for a moment.

“Yes.  Tell Joker not to get the Normandy too beat up while we’re gone.”

“Understood, Commander.”  Cooper looked over from where he was pressed against the glass.  

“So, we have that down.  Now what?”  Shepard activated a button, and a glowing orange hologram sprang to life around his left arm.  He pressed something else, and a map of the Citadel came up.

“We’re here.” He tapped near the Council chambers.  “There’s a pretty hefty attacking force outside, fighting C-Sec officers and Turian shock troopers outside.  We clear the attackers, set up a space where shuttle reinforcements can land, and proceed from there.”  Everyone nodded.  

“Well, that’s a better plan than most of what we do.”  The group looked at each other speculatively.  

“Yeah.  Yeah, it is,” said Quill.  “Reminds me.  Have I ever told you about the time where I saved the galaxy with only 17% of a plan?”  

Elsewhere on the Citadel

It was decided that Master Chief would take up the rear, as eight feet of muscle and Mjolnir armor would be a reasonable deterrent for most pursuers.  There had been a short but intense argument over who would lead, but Kirk had suggested a combined force of bodyguards to placate everyone.  

Now, a group of various bodyguards led the delegates through the under-tunnels of the Citadel to safety, with Cain, Kirk, and Solo sprinkled throughout the formation.  The delegates murmured to each other, careful to not let their words be overheard.  Each had groups of powerful special forces soldiers at their command, and each was wondering what to do with them, or if and when to deploy them.  

“Councillors!  We are under heavy fire!  Some of the C-Sec officers have turned traitor, and the attackers are taking more of the Citadel.  We need reinforcements!” came a desperate cry over the communication systems.  Sparatus, the Turian Councillor, replied immediately.  

“Hierarchy soldiers are currently on the ground.  We’ll send more, but it will take a while for their shuttles to get there.  You’ll have to hold,” he replied curtly.  Several other diplomats heard the exchange.  Normally, many would not have lent their forces to the fight, but if it meant the difference of getting out alive or dead, it wasn’t even a question.

“Captain Faro, this is Thrawn.  Deploy our troopers immediately.  Have TIE’s escort the shuttles.  Keep the Destroyers in a holding position.”

“Captain, this is Agent Omicron.  Have the ODSTs ready to drop immediately.”

“Watch Captain, this is Inquisitor Vail.  Order the Scions to deploy in high altitude grav drop.  Have the Kill Team and the Assassins ready in the teleportariums.”

“Captain, this is Marder.  Have the Pilots stand ready in their Titans and be ready to deploy.”

Elsewhere on the Citadel

The elevator sounded a clear, high ding! and the doors slid slowly open.  

“Fucking finally,” muttered Drake.  The next elevator over sounded a similar chime and disgorged Quill’s crew, looking none happier than the Scoundrels over the slow ride down.  The sounds of gunfire and screams filled the air from just beyond the indoor plaza at the foot of the Council Chambers.  “Well, back to something I know better.  Actually…”  Drake’s face turned into a sly grin.  “Tali!  Scotty!  Can you two give me control of the P.A. system?”  

“Why do you want the P.A. system?” came Scotty’s, well, Scottish bur.  

“Uh… psychological warfare?”  There was a pregnant pause on the other end.  Drake tried again.  “For funsies?”  

“...fine.”  There was another pause.  “You have control Drake,” came a very tired sounding Scotty.  

“Wonderful!” replied Drake, utterly delighted.  “Now, here comes the fun part.”

------------------------------------------------

Major Viter of the Turian Hierarchy cursed as a bullet chipped the wall he was kneeling behind.  The Cerberus attackers and traitor C-Sec agents had his combined forces of Hierarchy soldiers and loyal C-Sec agents pinned down in front of the Citadel Tower.  They had held well enough for the past ten minutes of grueling firefights, long enough to give the Council and the other delegates enough time to escape.  Viter didn’t care much for the other diplomats, but he had been ordered to hold, and death was a preferable alternative to disobeying those orders.  Another volley of fire raked the wall, and he shrank back from it.  Cerberus was getting crafty.  They knew the Hierarchy shock troopers were far superior to the C-Sec agents under his command, so they endeavored to keep the Turians pinned down for as long as possible.  Not good.  He turned to his left and yelled at his communications officer.

“Where are those reinforcements?  We can’t hold the tower without them!”  

“They’re still ten minutes out!  And that’s not including the time it’ll take the shuttles to find a safe landing zone!”  Viter cursed.  “But someone said we have additional reinforcements en-route.  Some kind of special team,” added the communications officer.  Viter calmly shot down a traitor C-Sec agent who was stupid enough to poke their head in the open before turning back.  

“What kind of special team?”  But before the comms officer could replay, the Citadel’s P.A. system fizzed to life.  Cerberus, C-Sec, and Turian soldiers looked up with confusion as an unmistakably human show tune started to play.  

“Yippie yay!  There’ll be no wedding bells for today!”  There was a flash of electric blue, and a Cerberus trooper took a shot to her head, which promptly melted, complete with horrifying screams from its wearer.  Viter looked back to the Tower’s entrance.  Standing there was a black haired, black coated human wielding a silvery, triple barreled rifle.  Flanking him was another masked and trenchcoated human, a small (about up to viter’s knee), rodent-like creature holding a full-sized machine gun, and… Commander Shepard.  Back from the dead?  To borrow a human expression: Oh boy.  This just got interesting.

  As the abominably cheerful tune continued to play, a figure clad in solid grey metal armor and some massive, bare-chested, grey and orange humanoid alien ran past Viter at speeds he didn’t think were possible for a biped to produce.  He did a double take.  They were holding a spear and two knives respectively.  Did they have a death wish?  The Cerberus and C-Sec attackers seemed to think so, as they stepped forward as one to cut the running figures down.  

With no warning, a man wearing a strange set of advanced-looking armor materialized beyond a Cerberus trooper wielding a machine gun, drew a pistol, gave a cheerful “Hi!”, blew the back of the trooper’s head apart, and disappeared.  Farther down, a Cerberus combat engineer looked down at his chest, where a lithe blade appeared through his breastbone.  A green-skinned alien woman gave him a surreptitious wink, and, before his comrades could react, faded into oblivion.  

Within the space of a second, the attacking line devolved into panic.  The gunmen behind the running figures opened fire, forcing the Cerberus personnel to keep their heads down as the two sprinting figures collided with them at full tilt.  

The grey figure’s spear slid through a trooper’s neck armor joint, producing a gurgled sigh as he crumpled to the ground.  The silvery figure spun around, and with pinpoint precision, impaled another Cerberus trooper through the joints of her armor.  The massive grey humanoid went flying into a group of traitorous C-Sec agents with reckless and utterly terrifying abandon, stabbing wildly.  

The green-skinned woman appeared once more, and gracefully cut down two Cerberus soldiers with just as many strokes of her keen-bladed swords.  The Turians and loyal C-Sec agents were now all firing at the disorganized attackers, Shepard was killing with horrifying, lethal accuracy, the rodent-creature was cackling maniacally as it fired it’s huge machine gun, the two trenchcoated men were dancing along to the music over the P.A. system while firing off precise, perfectly timed-to-the-beat shots, there was a walking tree now that was impaling people with wooden growths from its arms, and the man in advanced armor, who had been appearing and disappearing was now running on the walls, almost horizontally, supported by only thrusters on the back of the suit and a hand held out for balance.  In short, utter mayhem.  

The man hopping from wall to wall jumped down and kicked a Cerberus trooper with enough force to crack her helmet.  The grey armored man and green-skinned woman impaled two more opponents with perfect synchronicity.  Viter overloaded a Cerberus soldier’s shields, then shot him in the head.  The last enemy, a panicking traitorous C-Sec agent, turned and ran, only to be gunned down by the black coated human.   

The grey armored figure removed their helmet to reveal the cheerful face of a green-eyed, blond-haired human man.  Shepard and he walked over to Major Viter, who turned and stared at them with an expression that was equal parts confusion, shock, and gratefulness.  

“I’m assuming you’re the team that was sent to assist me?” he asked.  “Pardon me asking, but who exactly are you?”  Shepard opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the black coated man.

“We’re the Magnificent Scoundrels, and we put the laughter into slaughter!”  Shepard’s mouth moved spasmodically for a few moments before the blond haired man stepped in.

“Don’t… don’t listen to… him.”  The black coated man shrugged.

“Yeah.  I get that a lot.”  Shepard rolled his eyes.

“We’re a team made up from a variety of different governments present, and we’re here to help take back the Citadel.”  Shepard looked around, experienced eyes taking in the mayhem around them.  “What now?” he asked Viter.  Viter’s mandibles moved in an expression that Shepard recognized as turian thoughtfulness.  

“Well, we press on and clean up the Citadel.  But we,” he gestured at the group, “Can’t do it alone.  We’re going to need help.”  Shepard and the blond man shared a knowing glance.  

“Don’t worry, ‘cause help you’re going to get.” 

If you have any comments, questions, concerns, criticisms, questions, or requests, feel free to tell me.  For the curious, the song is called “Jingle Jangle Jingle.”  I recommend finding the Fallout New Vegas version ‘cause apparently it’s the only remastered version on the internet.  

[bralef]

A lot happened this year at PortConMaine - mostly in the form of tabletop RPGs - so I decided to write all about them. This is basically just going to be a huge wall of text of me gushing about the fun I had doing tabletop RPGs for half a week.

Thursday was kind of a weak start. My uncle surprised me by taking me to the new Transformers movie. I appreciate the gesture, but it was not only terrible, but it made me late to PortCon. I’d have rather watched Wonder Woman again. As a result, I missed the DnD 5e session I was planning on attending, so I went with some Star Wars session instead. I played a Wookie Technician. Nothing particularly amazing or awesome happened, but it was fun and funny enough, I suppose. Then I played some weird Spy/Word-guessing game that takes way too long to understand. Me and the guy I teamed up with won both rounds. Finally, I played a few rounds of Lupinball, some (free?) game on Steam. One of those deceptively simple lightning-fast multiplayer games. It's pretty fun.

~~

Friday was great, exactly what I'd expect out of a good day at Portcon. I participated in three sessions, and will cover them in order from least exciting to most.

In between two better sessions was a Pathfinder campaign where we explored some haunted house. It only took a couple hours (I think that DM preferred multiple quick adventures rather than one big one) and ultimately was pretty boring. I played a half-orc Inquisitor. Nothing really noteworthy happened.

The last session I did was a DnD 5e session called the Sunless Citadel. I was a Dwarven Barbarian who I named Beerbeard McBeardbeer after a character in a long-term campaign I'm in (though I didn't roleplay him very similarly). What we were supposed to do was help these Kobolds rescue their baby god or something.

What ended up happening was, we convinced them to let us use their key to open some big important door. Someone touched a magic orb that forced everyone to make a Wisdom save or be feared, forcing them to run right into a pit (where they would take 1d6 fall damage, or half on a successful save). Beerbeard and one other party member passed immediately. The others, including the Kobold holding the key, all ran into the pit and took damage (keeping in mind this is Level 1 where the median health of everyone is like 9). One of them re-entered the room and passed his save that time. The other two kept running back into the room, failing the save, and chucking themselves into the pit again (Beerbeard watched). One of them, at one point, decided to kill the kobold (who had been knocked unconscious by the fall) and steal the key...for some reason. Finally we all made it past the Orb of Confusion and into the next room.

The next room was simply a riddle where the answer was “stars.” Nothing exciting there. The next two rooms were separated by a spiky pit. Our monk made it across and promptly got fucking manhandled by an imp. So, one of our other dudes jumps across. Beerbeard tried to join them, failed the check, and took 9 piercing damage (out of his 16 health). Another party member failed too, only she was way squisher so she immediately went down.

Beerbeard managed to carry the downed party member out of the pit...Right as the imp went invisible. Fuuuuuck. The next several turns consisted of us swinging at nothing and attempting to find the imp, who eventually went across the pit to fight our remaining party member who hadn't jumped across. He eventually managed to slay it, and we were left with a coffin that we were all pretty certain contained a boss. We were beaten to shit, our healer was out of spell slots, and two of us were at 1 HP, but we had already expended all of our (read: one) hit dice. There was nothing to do but try fighting the troll.

It killed us all.

The second session I played was a contender for the best one I played all week. I believe it was Shadowrun, or at least took place in the same universe/system, but was some kind of sequel or successor to it. One thing I really dug about the system is how on-the-fly and improvised everything is, even among tabletops. For example, once per session every player gets to declare a contact. It can be as specific and on-the-nose as you want. For example, if the party's mission is to infiltrate some facility, you can go, say, “Oh, a buddy of mine worked as a security guard there once, he might be able to hook us up with some floor plans or something.” Stuff like that. In addition to whatever explicit equipment you have, certain events or actions will give you “Intel” or “Gear,” which basically works in a similar manner. With gear, if you're in a tight spot, you can say “Oh, that gear I picked up earlier? That was a grappling hook. I'm going to use it to scale the building and get away.”

Anyway, I played an Adept, which is sort of like a cyberpunk monk. A cybermonk, if you will. (I didn't steal that from you JP, I thought it up too but let you say it since I was on a phone and figured you'd pick up on it without my input). Taking inspiration from the recommended suggestions for my character, I made him a wrestler named Red Rooster. “He sounds like a luchador.” ...Well, I did make him hispanic, so yeah, that works! One of my party members was a huge fan of Red Rooster, and another party member, who was a hacker, used Red Rooster’s mask as his online hacking avatar.

We were also told to create fictional facilities in the universe that would be relevant to the session. I came up with Koala Tea, a restaurant chain. I decided that Red Rooster is basically their mascot, and thus all of his moves are named after items from their menu.

We were tasked with stopping a facility from releasing a mind-control potion onto the market. We decided to do this by blowing up their manufacturing facility. Along with Red Rooster (real name Carlito Diez), we had Tuck, a human hacker; Dominic, a shaman who was capable of communing with the spirit world and its inhabitants; and Devontus Grimlore, a troll-kin hired killer who preferred brute force. In our backstory, Devontus once broke into a Koala Tea establishment and, very publically and conspicuously, removed an official's mechanical endoskeleton from his body. Forcefully. This resulted in a huge brawl between him and Red Rooster, that evidently resulted in them becoming friends.

Dominic declared his contact: Siri, spirit of smart phones and information. She gave him a general map of the building and allowed him to open a window of opportunity for us to infiltrate. Unfortunately this also garnered the attention of Clippy, an obnoxious spirit who constantly annoys Dominic and suggests inappropriate solutions to problems.

We entered the facility using automated trucks that Tuck had hacked into. When we got in, we opened the doors, and Red Rooster blasted into the room on his flashy motorcycle while Devontus pulled out a piece of gear he had gathered earlier: A minigun.

Devontus is gunning down machines and personnel alike, while Red Rooster holds off the guards by driving his motorcycle into them and leaping off with a Koala Slider™ Tackle. Shrapnel from a stray gunshot cost Red Rooster one of his eyes, and Devontus gets his arm caught in some industrial machinery (he's a troll, he'll be fine). I realized that he was the only one who hadn't used his contact yet, so I decided a particular guard looked very familiar, even without his signature mask on...Red Rooster's rival, former mascot of Kangaroo Coffee...Blue Bull.

“What are you doing here, Blue Bull?! Dressed in that uniform and using a gun, guarding such a dishonorable facility! What happened to you?”

“YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT'S DISHONORABLE FOR ME RED ROOSTER RAAAAAAA” cue the fight, which I planned on winning to show Blue Bull the error of his ways, making him help us in destroying the facility.

I rolled the minimum roll possible, so Red Rooster got his ass kicked. He went in for a Koala BBQ Rib™crusher, but Blue Bull countered with an Atomic Coffee™ Suplex. So he didn't help us...But we still destroyed it, and got away thanks to Dominic timing the mission beforehand so that we simply needed to board one of the automated trucks that was leaving.

We completed the mission, and all we needed to do was get paid. We rolled to see whether there were any complications with the payment. Turns out we were set up, by what was heavily implied to be an elder god. Multiple incarnations of Clippy suddenly appeared and we tried to fight them off. Dominic cast an anti-clippy talisman he had explicitly gained earlier, which vaporized them and caused a dark void to appear, no doubt leading to the one who had set us up. We had to decide whether to stay and fight and probably die, or run. Devontus was up for a fight. As for the rest of us:

Me: I have “Code of Honor” and “Pride” as two of my character traits. Red Rooster literally can't turn away from this fight.

Dominic: [turns to Tuck] Remember us! Tell our story!

Tuck's player: You're assuming I'm still there.

Tuck: [already long gone]

The session ended with the three of us remaining turning to the void and leaping into whatever mysterious adventure it held in store for us. End Credits.

~~

Saturday was a weird coincidence. I played three sessions, and my character in all three of them was associated with dragons.

The 5e session I planned on attending was full, so I went with a 3.5e session instead, where I played a Half-Elf Dragon Shaman. The DM seemed pretty new at the whole thing, as there was very little actual roleplaying and it was basically just filler to get us from fight to fight. Early on I was really bored and tired to the point where I considered making an excuse to leave. I stuck with it, though, and by the end we had had a few fun moments, more from just joking around than the actual session. At one point our dwarf clobbered a sleeping red dragon with his axe...and it failed to notice or wake up.

The DM from the Sunless Citadel session was running the same campaign again, so I decided to join in again and see if we'd be more successful this time. He gave us all potions to help in that regard. This time I was playing a Dragonborn Fighter named Lamarr, and this time we actually went ahead with the plot instead of taking a detour to an optional boss. We agreed to help the kobolds find their dragon baby god. One complication was the fact that we had a goblin rogue on our team – the goblins stole the baby god, so the kobolds hated them. We managed to assure them he was on our (and thus, their) side, so the baby god's caretaker (Meebo) escorted us into Goblin territory. After fighting a big mama rat and her children (made a lot easier by our bard Tom casting a Sleep spell) we stepped into a hallway filled with caltrops. Our half-elf tried pushing them out of the way but somehow impaled herself and fell unconscious. We then got shot at by some Goblins at the other end of the hall, but our own goblin was all “Hey! What are you doing?” and managed to convince them he was working for some big goblin boss. He was mentioning that he'd want to work out a trade for the baby god, when Meebo saw this and went “TRAAAITOOOOR!” He ran back to the other kobolds, who turned their weapons on Tom, assuming we were secretly working for the goblins. He managed to convince them that Meebo was simply being paranoid and that we were being slick by tricking the goblins. We basically had a pass with both factions, and that’s where the session ended.

Finally, was a session where we were all dragons. Actual, literal dragons. Young ones, who had been kept in a cryptid circus and used for entertainment by evil witch bitch Magna. My character was Bar, a clawed dragon who was capable of digging. I don't think I ever actually used digging to our advantage. Highlights include:

The one diplomat dragon we had convincing five axe-juggling dwarf brothers to stop fighting us and actually help us escape.

Phantasmapotomas, a dancing hippo who existed as an excuse for the DM to sing songs relevant to whatever situation was at hand.

“I want to take him out nonlethally. [crit fail]” DM: Whoops, his head popped off!

Blue Dragon tackling the “caretaker” that abused us for years. He survived, but it was heavily implied his spine was severed and that he was paralyzed.

A riddle door who required three questions: What is your name, what is your mission, and [insert randomly-generated difficult trivia question]?

Diplomat dragon's response: 1. [Name]. 2. “To escape this hellhole.” 3. “Wait, WHICH capital? There's four of th- *launched into the sky*”

Arrogant Dragon's response: 1. [Name] 2. “To escape this place.” 3. “A number.” *launched into the sky*”

The Dwarven brothers' response: 1. [hacks door into pieces with axe] 2. [eats piece of door] Huh, gingerbread! (“It's a durable, reliable building material!”) 3. Now THAT'S how you get past a riddle door! [steals Magda's paybox]

The DM talking/responding out of character in Magda's voice/in character, implying she had metagame knowledge.

Magda attempting to turn four of us into newts in turn, and all four of us crit failing the save while Diplomat Dragon was being attacked by clown ghouls.

Us freeing all of the cryptids except the mermaids, because letting them out would kill them and dumping them into the local rivers would wreak havoc on the ecosytem. As one player described them, they were basically Dire Piranhas.

Ultimately we succeeded, and in fact we got straight to the point quicker than the DM planned. This is the same DM who hosted Werewolf Wrestling Federation vs the Vampire Women (one of the most fun sessions I’ve ever played), and when I mentioned that to him he said that, just because I asked, he'd make another session of that happen next year. Woo!

~~

On Sunday I killed some time by playing a few quick scenarios with the same Pathfinder DM, where I played a Cavalier named Alain (horse named Dalahan I think). First we stormed a haunted estate and killed some bugs and a weird ghoul thing. He wielded a severed leg as a weapon, and there was a corpse with only one leg in the corner. Here's a few quotes from the session:

“Can I take the leg?” “You can take the leg.” “I take the leg.”

“I give him his leg back.”

“No wait, I changed my mind, I need it.”

There was a well in the middle of the room with like a million more ghoul things, one of which was climbing up. I jabbed down into the well with my lance, and got a nat 20.

“You see Alain plunging into the well with his lance, blood and gore spewing out.”

“It's like a satanic toilet.”

It was a very short session, but that's good because it ended right when the conclusion of the Sunless Citadel started.

We only had three returning party members (including me), and three new ones. Our goblin rogue was taken over by the DM for diplomatic purposes, as were Tom and one other character. Tom managed to gain audience with the goblin boss (actually a Hobgoblin), and several slaves (read: the players new to this session) were brought out to be used as footstools. Aurelia, our Paladin, tried sneaking food to one of them, but was noticed. A flying mug and a shout of “NO FEEDING THE PRISONERS” let us know how the goblins felt about that. Our Cleric distracted them with dancing long enough for Tom to pick the locks on their manacles. One of them (a Tiefling Wizard whose first name was Freedom) cast a cantrip to make one of the doors fly open to try and cause a distraction, but was noticed, causing the goblins to realize we had set them free. Commence fight.

We were holding our own, but eventually a small goblin woman who had been kneeling in the corner stood up on the throne and declared she was the ruler of the goblins now. This caused the hobgoblins and goblins to fight amongst themselves. Eventually we helped her take down the king and his lackeys. As thanks, she freed the slaves: Freedom; a Dragonborn Monk named Roger; and a Warlock who I think was a halfling. They joined us, and we went upstairs to try and find the baby god: According to them, they lost at least one goblin per day to the thing, so were more than happy to let us take him off their hands.

Tipped off by a goblin’s screaming and severed arm launched from a doorway, we found the baby god. He then unleashed frost breath and knocked down Lamarr and the Cleric, before finishing off Roger with a claw. Aurelia managed to drag Lamarr out, and eventually we got everyone out alive and healed up, after sealing the door shut. Concluding that this dragon was far beyond our capacity at the moment, we instead opted to go after our second goal: finding the source of some magical fruit that can cure any ailment.

We went down a well in the goblin throne room, and were attacked by some twig things (who were easily dispatched) and shovel-wielding skeletons. The skeletons were tougher, but Lamarr knocked one’s head off with a nat 20. We then fought a Bugbear and his pet rats (one of which was named Fang).

Eventually we tied up a second Bugbear (I think her name was Helga) and had her lead us to Bellack, the magician behind the mystical fruit tree. He revealed he was basically mind controlling two previous adventurers as slaves.

Bellack: You have two options: Leave this place, or become my slaves. It is too late to save these two.

Lamarr: But not too late to avenge them.

Aurelia: We won’t be your slaves!

Lamarr: And we’re not leaving, either.

Cue the final boss fight...Which I immediately had to leave because I had a bus to catch. What an anticlimactic end to a great campaign, right?

Fortunately, at my request, the person playing Aurelia actually Emailed me the results of the fight and how the campaign ended:

“So the good news is that we didn't die. You and Roger used your fire breath to burn up the evil tree and we took down Bellack- however after burning the tree freed Sir Bradford and Sharlin from the spell, Bellack's death caused them to either and die. We did try to heal them, but the magic was beyond us. The big tree was in a grove of saplings and we decided to torch the whole grove as the trees were just too powerful. We took the bodies of Sharlin and Sir Bradford back to Oakhurst for proper burial- Sharlin to her family and Sir Bradford to the temple of Pelor. And that's where we ended it. Our entire party did make it out in the end- though (as I'm sure you can imagine) not without more struggling to keep the cleric in check.”

Thanks, Abby. You’re a lifesaver. A perfect way to end the campaign, as well as Portconmaine 2017. This was a great year, and I hope to have an even better one next year!