#so yeah mine as a husband would probably be nice i guess

[chuuyasheaven]

Lovely wife on the surface, freak under the sheets !! (Fyodor, Dazai, Chuuya)

TAGS. F. Dostoevsky, D. Osamu, C. Nakahara (separately) / Wife! Fem! Reader, p in v, oral sex, Fyodor’s might not be as spicy as the other two, masturbating (Fyodor), teasing, pet names, slight praise and degrading, slight brat taming (Fyodor, Chuuya), breeding kink (Chuuya), mentions of getting prego (Chuuya), might have grammar errors, etc.

NOTES. First two finals were good, yesterday in the english one, there was a task of writing a story and guess what I did? I wrote a cringy angsty soukoku fan fic 😭 but yeah small Drabble to feed y’all pookies!!!

F. DOSTOEVSKY

Everyone thinks you and Fyodor are a good match, because look at you! His pretty little wife who does everything she’s told, never thinking of saying ‘no’ to her husband.

But sometimes, you like being a little disobedient just to get punished by him. So that’s why you probably were fingering yourself, the cold wedding ring adding more to the pleasure. When Fyodor caught you, your legs were spread and your wet cunt was on display for him, so he obviously knew that you let yourself get caught on purpose.

“Such a naughty little wife, hm?”, Fyodor hummed as he slowly let his finger drag across your wet folds, picking up your wetness. “My, my, look at how wet you are, darling. Couldn’t even wait for me to come back, no? You know your fingers aren’t good as mine.”, he was right, his pale, long slender fingers could reach spots you never could on your own. “I know, but you took so long!!”, you whined, “Please help me out, Fedya.”, Fyodor chuckled, two fingers, going around your dripping cunt to avoid it. “I don’t know, a naughty wife who doesn’t follow her husbands orders shouldn’t get the pleasure they crave.”, wasn’t he right though? He specifically told you not to pleasure yourself when he wasn’t around, didn’t he?

“C’mon, Fedya, please!”, you begged him, moving around to get his fingers to touch your cunt at least once. “So desperate, aren’t we?”, he teased, a smirk making it on his face. “I’ll never do it again, promise. . You were gone for too long and I just missed you! Please, please, please, Fedya! Need your fingers in me.”, aw that’s cute, maybe he should give in to your pleas? “Do you think you deserve it, my dear?”, you better not lie and say something he didn’t wanna hear. “No but I’ll make it up to you! I will earn it.”, Fyodor really didn’t think of this answer, but went with it either way. “You’re gonna earn it?”, you nodded and sat up. “Promise.”, He was satisfied with that.

“Then come and earn it, love.”

D. OSAMU

Dazai wasn’t the possessive type, but when it came to you, his wife, then he might be. Especially when a man was flirting with you, even though you clearly have a ring on your finger! Luckily for you, Dazai was with you when this happened earlier. All that happened because of the dress you had on, a dress which was hugging your figure nicely, hell, if he didn’t know any better he would be flirting with you too!

Well, bless the heavens and the above for catching you before anyone else did, because you feel way too good than you should, he also had the privilege of ripping the very same dress of off you.

“You look way too sexier than you should, ‘donna.”, Dazai was working his tongue on your cunt, sending light vibrations to it by talking to you. You just nodded, being a little spent because this was going on for two rounds straight. “Oh, so you agree?”, he asks you, his hot breath moving further away from your cunt. “No, Dazai— don’t stop!”, you whined, but Dazai just chuckled deeply. “I gotta disagree with you on this one, sweetheart. . I think you’re rather divine, your taste especially.”, this teasing asshole, why was he asking you questions instead of making you cum for a third time. “My beautiful wife, thinking she isn’t sexy. . Maybe I need to convince her?”, Dazai was standing up, giving you the illusion of depriving you of your— much deserved in your opinion —orgasm. But no, he was far from done with you.

The amount of bliss you felt when he pushed his cock in you, nearly screaming of how sudden it was to you. “I think I already know how to.”, his hips started moving against yours while his hands were holding onto yours. Your moans were pulled from you again, you grabbed the sheets in the amount of pleasure he made you feel.

“Gonna make you feel so good, baby. . Just keep being such a good wife for me, ‘kay?”

C. NAKAHARA

Before your husband, Chuuya, came through the door, you were backing him a small cake. Just like a good wife should, also wearing a cute apron with the saying “Kiss the chef”. All went well so far and Chuuya walked through the door, not to greet you, that is.

You are a good wife, but sometimes you can be a little deceiving. A prime example being those photos you sent Chuuya at least a hour before his work ended, photos which included you in his favorite lace lingerie with the caption “miss you”. And what was your reason? Just to tease him a little, maybe a little motivation to work faster to get home earlier.

He was impatient, he’s been waiting for a hour to get home to you, just to not even get to the bedroom. That’s right, he was gonna take you right at the kitchen counter. Chuuya took off your shirt to see you were still wearing the set, a smirk was curving up on his lips. “You’re still wearing this, doll?”, he asked you, since you were bent over the counter he couldn’t see your smile on your face, but he could hear your giggle. “Yeah, just for you.”, you admitted in a teasing tone. “Just for me? Well then allow me. .”, he replied, pulling your lace panties to the side.

Chuuya wasn’t going slow at it, he was basically going so fast and hard that the counter legit started to shake slightly. His hips slapping against your ass, your moans filling the kitchen along side by his groans and breathy cursing. “Couldn’t wait for me to— mhm, fuck —to come home, hm? Sendin’ me photos of you looking so perfect sayin’ you miss me.”, he groaned, all you replied with was a moan. “Such a little slut, you jus’ wanted to get fucked, didn’t you? Teasin’ me at work just for a good fuck.”, Chuuya could feel his orgasm approaching, your cunt clenching around him only sped up the process.

“Ch–chuuya— ngh!”, you moaned out his name in bliss, Chuuya sped up the pace. “Want me to cum inside you, baby? Want me to fill you up so fuckin’ good?”, he asked in a low mocking tone, waiting for a response from you. “Y–yes! Ah— please!”, his cock twitched when you gave him the permission. “Yeah? Gonna fill you up so much you’ll be leakin’. . ‘till you might get pregnant.”, he didn’t really mean it, did he? It was all in the heat of the moment, right? Nonetheless, it turned you on with the way he said it. A deep chuckle was heard from him as he felt you clench down again. “You like that, doll? You wanna get pregnant with our child— oh fuck —you’re squeezin’ me so tight. . You sure you want it?”, you repeatedly moaned a yes, making him smirk. “C–cumming!”, you almost screamed, the amount of pleasure being a bit overwhelming.

“Yeah, just like that. . Take it like a good girl, baby. Hm— keep clenchin’ like that so nothin’ spills, understood?”

Hi again 😋 hope y’all are well fed now :3

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Hi there!

If you still take stardew valley requests please write hurt/comfort with Shane and (gn) reader about Shane getting progressively more worried about the farmer each time they go mining because of all the injuries they get there to the point where one day he snaps and breaks down in front of the farmer. It would be nice if you could show shane slowly loosing his mind each day but that would probably make the fic longer so no pressure. just pls make sure theres comfort after the hurt, bad endings make me sad :(

Thank you in advance, and even if you choose not to write this i hope you still have a lovely day.

I'm always down for Shane angst <3

In my main file I fear he's like this bc I'm constantly coming back from the dangerous mines/skull caverns on like 1 hp at 1:50 am

......

(Spring, Year 1)

"Hi, Shane!"

"God, what do you want now?"

"Nothing. I'm off to the mines." You grinned at the rugged man in front of you, holding up your pickaxe. "I'm shooting for level 120 this time, and hopefully I can pick up more gems along the way."

Shane raised a brow. "...and I care because?"

"You don't have to. Just thought I'd let you know."

'What? Like you think I'll go looking for you if you pass out? Forget it. Whatever happens is your own damn fault."

"I know the risks, but thank you." You politely answered, ignoring his blunt rudeness before checking the monster slayer guide. "The Adventurer's Guild wants me to slay a ton of bats...only 200 more to go."

""Adventurer's Guild?" Sounds stupid and childish." He grumbled, taking a swig of joja cola in his grasp. He was already running late to work, and he didn't want to get yelled at by Morris.

And he certainly didn't want you, the new farmer who made it their mission to annoy the shit out of him everyday, being the reason.

"Well it's neither of those things. It's actually thrilling." You chuckled, before digging an emerald out of your pocket. "I meant to sell this yesterday, but you can have it."

"...the hell? What am I supposed to do with this?" His brows furrowed at the green mineral you shoved into his hand.

"Keep it..for good luck, I guess?" You shrugged. "You can put it in your pocket and forget about it if you want. I just wanted to give you something nice. Plus, not to be weird, but...it kinda reminded me of your eye color."

Normally, any other villager would've been thrilled that you wanted to befriend them with gifts that reminded you of them.....

Yet Shane just stared at you as though you've confessed to stalking him.

"If you wanna give me something that's actually "nice", buy me a beer at the saloon next time." He sneered, brushing past you and continuing towards JojaMart, while you headed north of town, already knowing what you're gonna do tonight.

When you looked over your shoulder, you could see him pocket the emerald rather than throw it away despite him passing by several trash cans.

And you smiled.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(Present Day)

"Awh, you still held onto that emerald even after all this time?"

"Yeah, so what? It was the first gift anyone's really given me.." Shane confessed, heat rising to his cheeks as he held the mineral between his fingers. "I never believed in all that crap about crystals and "energy" that Emily talks about. But..I just like keeping this one around. It's like...erm..."

"A testament to the start of our friendship and eventual marriage?" You cheekily grinned as you polished your weapon, before looking to your husband.

He nodded. "Exactly what I was gonna say."

"I know you so well." Chuckling, you walked over to kiss him on the cheek. "I'm gonna head to the mines, okay? Welwick says the spirits will shower everyone in good luck. I wanna see if the fabled prismatic shards really do exist."

Almost immediately, Shane froze..and he found himself wanting to desperately say "no" and convince you to stay on the farmhouse.

But he didn't know why.

From the moment he met you, he knew you sought adventure and profits in the mines, fighting all sorts of monsters for the Adventurer's Guild. He's seen skeletons, mummies, and golems caged up at Spirits' Eve festivals, but never the wild ones below the surface who attacked you relentlessly.

Yet you never let the constant dangers deter you from exploring.

Mining was exhausting work, yet rewarding every time you cracked a stone open to find a diamond or discovered a treasure chest. With the materials you've gathered, you were able to craft some rings to wear, enchanted with powers to help make your excursions easier and safer.

Despite being well-prepared, though, Shane did have his concerns...especially as once you came home after clashing with skeletons, a scar on your head from a flying femur bone that still hasn't fully healed.

You only went to Harvey to get it checked out after your husband--who was your boyfriend at the time--insisted on it.

Even before that, he'd see you around town, bearing a new bug bite, scratch, burn, bruise, or bandaid on your body.

It never worried him before, but after that skeleton incident, he finally understood that those monsters were real and you were seriously getting yourself hurt.

He'd go to the mines with you if not for his fears that he'll only make things worse. There's a good chance he'll slow you down and find himself getting swarmed by slimes, bats, bugs, and whatever the hell else was there....and he wasn't exactly the most fit to swing a sword or pickaxe.

Simple walks made him tired.

What good would he do?

"Shane? What's wrong?"

Blinking, he snapped out his thoughts and saw your concerned face. "Nothing, sweetheart." He dismissed, giving you a little smile. "Just be careful out there, alright? I'll take care of things here."

"Thank you, baby." Smiling back, you gave him a kiss before heading out the door with your backpack and tools. "Off to the bottom of the mines I go!"

Shane tensed.

"Wait-"

As quickly as the door opened, it slammed shut, and he was left by himself in the cabin.

It was an uncomfortable silence.

'Maybe I should've tagged along.....buh, what am I saying? They'll be fine. They do this all the time. Stop getting so worked up, idiot..' Clearing his mind yet again, he went off to check things around the farm for you, deciding to watch TV later on.

There was gonna be another Tunneler's game tonight, so at least he had that to look forward to.

Nothing like that, some good food in the fridge, and this cozy cabin he got to call home...

And it was all because of you.

If you could build everything here and still having the energy to go mining and fight monsters, why should he worry?

.

.

.

.

.

1:20 AM

After a productive day, Shane managed to fall asleep early for once.

Only be woken up by the creak of the bedroom door.

Light almost immediately flooded his vision, stirring him from his slumber as he grumbled and tried to shield his eyes, wondering what time it was.

"Fuck..morning already-?"

"No, honey..it's...just me. Sorry.."

He blinked, sitting up to see that it was only you coming into the room, removing your rings. One of them served as your light source, yet it didn't hide the numerous scratched and bruises that littered your skin.

And they were all fresh.

"Babe, wha...are you okay?" Shane was now fully awake, watching as you peeled off your jacket and trousers, tossing them into the corner of the room before dragging yourself into bed.

Only then could he see your injuries up close and personal, and his heart began racing. "What happened? You look like hell."

"I'm fine, Shane. I just..need to sleep it off.."

"B-But...there's blood everywhere.." He mumbled, his eyes going to the clothes in the corner. "I can call Harvey-"

"No..don't. I already patched myself up. I'll be fine in the morning..I just wanna be here with you." Smiling weakly, you kissed him, before putting the prismatic shard into his hand. "Look. It exists...haha...it's so pretty, right? It's yours."

He didn't know what to say, staring dumbfounded at the mineral.

What hell did you go through to get this?

And as much as he loved it..why get it for him?

Why risk your life?

But when he looked back to question you further, you were already passed out beside him, looking peaceful despite the wounds on your body.

Eventually, he slid the prismatic shard under his pillow and laid back down, only to hesitate in wrapping his arm around you.

All he could do was gaze at your exhausted face..and the dried blood under your nose.

Least to say, he had trouble falling back to sleep.

..........

Ever since that night, Shane's grown increasingly worried over your safety during your mining trips. And it began to affect his usual routine around the farm.

In fact, calling it "worry" at this point would be a heavy understatement..

It became straight-up paranoia.

Whether you headed off to the mines or Skull Caverns early because of an "extra lucky day" or simply because you needed a specific resource, you'd always come back home the same way:

At later hours, with more injuries and bandages than last time, constantly on the verge of passing out and barely able to hold a conversation with him.

Of course, you'd have breakfast with him, and you'd never leave the farmhouse without giving him a kiss...but it did nothing to ease his mind, as he'd constantly see your wounds and dread whatever horror stories you were about to tell him.

Even though you're perfectly nonchalant as you talk about a serpent who tried wrapping itself around you and squeeze every last breath out of your body, it made Shane feel utterly sick to his stomach.

How could you be so calm after so many brushes with death?

He didn't understand.

On the surface, he seemed fine with you leaving. But when you did, he'd find himself turning to beer to calm his nerves..although most days he was able to resist the urge and occupy himself with farming tasks or video games.

Despite this, he hasn't outright told you anything. He knew mining was your passion and thought you'd chastise him for "worrying over nothing".

So he kept it to himself, thinking his anxiety was being stupid.

Then the final straw came the evening when he got a call from Harvey's clinic around 5PM.

One that he hoped to never hear:

You passed out, and were currently being treated for serious injuries.

He bolted out the cabin, all the way to the town square and damn near broke the door down. There, Harvey, Linus, and Marlon were at your bedside, the latter two having brought you in after seeing you fall unconscious in from of the elevator, covered in blood and shrapnel.

Fortunately, you were expected to make a full recovery with just stitches and some IV fluids to rehydrate your body...but you still owed Shane one hell of an explanation.

This time around, you landed in an "infested" area of the 100s, trying to use a bomb to kill off most of the monsters.

Only to trip over a stupid lava crab and drop the bomb after you just ignited it, damn near losing your leg trying to kick it away from you in time.

And by the grace of Yoba, you were able to limp your way back to the ladder, return to floor zero, where Linus so-happened to be passing by the mine entrance.

You gave the poor old man quite a fright, as he didn't know how much blood on you was from the monsters...or you.

In the end, the bomb left shrapnel in your flesh, searing your clothing and requiring stitches to ensure you didn't bleed out. You appreciated Harvey for his quick work and for Linus and Marlon for taking you to him.

However nobody in that clinic was more terrified over your condition than Shane, who was in disbelief that you were able to stand and walk back home with him after getting discharged.

He wouldn't talk to you, although his hands shook as he helped you into bed, still sleeping beside you like he did every night before this.

But this time...he had the worst nightmare possible.

He was down in the mines with you, except he felt stuck and couldn't do anything to warn you or save you from the impending danger.

It was like he was spectating a game, instead forced to watch as the bats and monsters made of shadows descended upon you with their teeth bared and claws out, tearing into your body. You had yelled for him to save you, to stop being useless, damning him for not stopping you from leaving...yet their horrible noises drowned out any further shouts.

Then you were gone.

You were gone and he failed you.

And it was all his fault.

It made him joltbwide awake at 3 AM, and he felt like his heart was about to burst from his chest. His mind kept going to you, constantly checking to make sure you're still breathing, unable to fall back to sleep for a while.

When he did, he was in tears.

..........

"No."

"Shane, I know last night was bad. But I'm not-"

"You're not going to the mines today. I mean it."

Dumbfounded, you gazed at Shane, who was physically blocking you from leaving the cabin. A scowl was written all over his face.

You sighed and rubbed the side of your head. "It's only the first few levels, honey. Willy needed bug meat for-"

"Right. The "first few" you say, and then I'll get a call from Harvey at 2 AM about you needing emergency surgery again." He gritted his teeth, tears coming to his eyes. "Whatever he or anyone in this damn town needs in those mines can wait. Why can't you just stay?!"

"I don't understand.." Your eyebrows furrowed. "You never cared before if I went there. What changed?"

"What changed....? What changed is that I've been having a lot more of sleepless nights lately! I can barely eat or do anything except worry and worry about you. And it's because...because..." He trailed off.

"Because what?"

"......."

You sighed. "Shane, if you're not gonna tell me what's wrong, then I don't see why-"

"Because you've been scaring me to death okay?!" His hands now gripping your shoulders as he stared at you. "You think you're invincible, but you aren't. What don't you get?! How badly are you gonna let those things hurt you?! Or be the reason YOU DROP DEAD AND DON'T COME HOME?!!" He screamed.

Your own eyes widened, stunned by his words..and eventually you saw the realization flash across his face as he blurted out his true feelings.

The ones he tried to hide from you, yet consumed him for hours upon hours whenever you left for the mines.

It made your heart plummet.

His breath hitched, and you then saw the tears beginning to fall from his greenish eyes.

"Shane..."

"[Y/n], you saved me from throwing my life away. And...i-it's like you're throwing away yours for no reason!" He sobbed. "Night after night, I have nightmares of seeing your limp body..a-and....and I can't save you. I can't do anything except scream and beg them to stop hurting you! But they never listen! A-And...I just...I-I don't wanna lose you. I can't lose you..."

He looked totally shattered, making you finally realize how serious this was.

Your guilt right now was immensurable, watching the man you loved fall apart right in front of you.

And it was your fault.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry..." You pulled him into a tight hug, and he completely broke down in your arms. His quiet crying became muffled by your shoulder. "I..I had no idea you were feeling that way. Why didn't you tell me about the nightmares sooner?"

"You would've thought..th-they were stupid. Or that I sound "needy" or controlling.." He sniffled. "I-I know I can't stop you from going, but...I just..a-after what happened to you last night, I...I.."

"Oh, honey..that was my dumb mistake. The monsters had nothing to do with my injuries." Rubbing his back, you gently kissed his head. "I was tired and got clumsy with a stupid bomb..but I promise it won't happen again. You're right. I'm not invincible. I need that reality check sometimes."

He didn't say anything, instead holding onto you tighter.

You never realized how badly your mining trips and injuries were affecting him...affecting this very relationship.

The Shane you met back in Year 1 could care less if you dropped dead. He outright said he'd never go looking for you and that whatever happened was your own fault.

But the Shane you knew now was crying in your arms over the mere thought that one day you'll go into the mines and never come out, holding it all in until he couldn't anymore.

You've really helped him open up to you, but now you were tearing him apart inside and never really knew it until this point.

"W-Will you just..stay here today, please?" He finally spoke, not caring about how needy or pathetic that sounded.

"...I will." You answered. "I'll take a break from mining for a good while."

"....you would do that for me?"

"Of course. I'd do anything for you, Shane. Hell..I'd give that up altogether if you wanted me to."

You felt him shake his head, and you chuckled, squeezing him tightly. "I'm only kidding, but I promise. No more mining this week."

Shane raised his head up, looking to make sure you were serious. And he saw nothing but sincerity in your expression.

You sighed softly and cupped the sides of his wet face, seeing the torrent of anxiety and frustration raging like an ocean current in his eyes. "You must've felt so lonely and terrified, baby..I'm sorry. I won't make you feel that way ever again."

He sniffled again as you brushed away his tears, before taking ahold of your wrist to kiss your palm...where your first scar from a rock crab came from.

How badly did he wanna kiss away every scar those bastards left on you until none remained.

Some faded with time and care, but others were more permanent--testaments to your survival down in the mines..as well as your several brushes with death.

Heat rose to your cheeks, watching him become so affectionate and gentle with you, even though he knows you're not made of glass whatsoever.

Eventually, his tears ceased as you both decided to go lay down on the bed together, with Shane cuddling up to you and resting his head on your chest. All he could hear was your strong heartbeat drowning out the noise in his mind.

It was still kicking, like you.

"Thank you..god, that was exhausting.." He mumbled. "I'm sor-"

"You don't have to be sorry for being honest with me." You reassured, petting his hair. "I just..wish I picked up the signs sooner."

"INah, I should've been clearer...and maybe that would spare myself this headache I got now.."

"Hmm..how about we sleep in until you feel better? Then we can check on the chickens."

Feeling him nod and wrap his arms around you, you took that as a "yes" and chuckled softly, knowing you weren't gonna leave this spot anytime soon.

But that's okay.

There's no other place you'd rather be. Not even the mines.

[gingiesworld]

Deep Emotions

Part Four to Culinary Lessons / Deadly Actions / Keeping Distance

Warnings: Slight angst. Fluff. Happy Ending.

MILF Wanda Maximoff x GN! Reader

18+ MINORS DNI

As the months had went by, it became obvious to everyone that Wanda was indeed pregnant, her ex husband was in prison and even all of the parents at the twins school knew about the incident.

"I can't leave the house Piet." Wanda told him in a hushed tone. "Everyone here is looking at me."

"Wanda, all of this is the result of your actions and the reaction it has caused." Pietro stated. "The twins aren't getting included much in school anymore. Tommy isn't allowed to play because they're afraid he will have a mean streak like his father."

"I." Wanda took a deep breath as the tears started to flow. "I should have just divorced him before everyone got too out of hand."

"It's too late for that Wanda." He told her. "Everything has already blew up. Yelena has also told me that Y/N is thinking about moving closer to the city."

"What?" Wanda whispered as he nodded.

"Yeah. I think she mentioned about them looking at houses in Westchester." He told her. "And it's going to happen soon so you need to tell them about the baby."

"I can't." She whispered. "I don't know how."

"Just go over there and talk to them." He told her. "It is there child and besides, I am going to take the twins for the weekend to see mom and dad." He stated as he disappeared to pack the twins bags as Wanda took a deep breath. Pietro smiled when he finally heard the front door open and close.

Wanda hurried over the road and knocked on Y/N's door. Smiling as she heard Y/N's voice call through to wait. Shs turned around and looked over to her home, well it doesn't feel like home anymore.

"Wanda?" Y/N was shocked to see her standing there. "Come in." They stepped aside as she smiled shyly. Stepping inside before she followed them through the living room. "How are you?" They asked her, already seeing an obvious reason she is here but not wanting to jump straight into it.

"You're leaving?" She questioned as she noticed the boxes as Y/N nodded.

"I have put an offer on a house in Westchester. It's closer to Lila and since I don't have a job here." Y/N stated as Wanda took a deep breath. "I have no reason to stay here."

"What about me?" She whispered as Y/N gave her a sad look.

"I." They took a deep breath before continuing. "I care about you deeply. Probably more than I should but I have my daughter I need to think about. I have to put her first."

"But the baby?" She whispered as they gave her a sad look.

"I know it's mine." They told her. "I do want to be there for you Wanda, I do but I also need to be there for me."

"Then why leave?" She questioned as Y/N looked down. "Why leave here?"

"Because I almost died in this house Wanda." They told her. "I really do have feelings for you, I do but." They took a shaky breath. "I am scared. I was at the brunt end of your husband's rage and well, I remember wanting to do that to Steve but I didn't."

"Y/N." Wanda took a deep breath.

"I want to be a part of the baby's life but I can't have you uproot your family's life." They stated as she shook her head.

"To be honest, we could do with a change." Wanda stated. "The twins aren't having the best time right now. Everyone knows what their father did and they are receiving the backlash for that."

"Wanda." They tried as Wanda just shook her head.

"Maybe this is what we would need. A new start with new faces." Wanda stated.

"Wanda, my ex wife also lives in Westchester." They told her.

"Oh yeah." Wanda sighed sadly. "Well, I guess this is it."

"This is it Wanda." Y/N confirmed. "I have to do this. I will leave my number for the baby and if you need me for anything." Wanda just nodded before she stood up.

"It was nice knowing you Y/N." Wanda stated dryly before she left. A smirking Yelena came downstairs as Y/N groaned.

"You know, you're kind of a dick." She stated as Y/N just glared at her. "She is pregnant, with your kid I might add and you have practically shunned her and the kid already."

"Lena, you wouldn't understand." They told her.

"Y/N, I know you. You were my best friend before you got with Nat." She told them. "I can see that you really feel something for her too."

"It's complicated." They told her.

"No it's not." Lena told them. "She is divorced and having your kid!"

"I." They tried to come up with another answer but they couldn't.

"Just go over their and talk to her." Lena ordered as she practically shoved them out of the house. They sighed as they heard the bolt on the front door to see Lena gestured through the window.

Y/N stumbled over to the Maximoff residence and knocked softly on the door. Only moments later Wanda had opened it with a look of confusion. Before she could question anything, Y/N captured her lips as they cupped her cheeks, Wanda gripped their wrists as the kiss went on as she led them inside. Y/N pushed her up against the wall as the kiss grew hungrier.

"What?" She questioned as the two pulled away. "I thought."

"I think I love you Wanda." They told her as they gazed in her eyes. "I know that I want this between us to be something more. I know that for sure, but I am afraid."

"Why are you afraid?" She asked them.

"I don't want to get my heart broken again." They whispered. "And I don't want the boys to hate me either."

"Your heart is safe." She whispered as she looked in their eyes. "I already have fallen for you Y/N. Before that night, you had my heart from the moment you actually made me feel seen."

"So how do we do this?" They whispered as Wanda smiled.

"I'll find an apartment in the city." She whispered. "The twins could do with a fresh start too."

"No." They shook their head. "The house I'm buying has more than enough room for all of us. The twins, Lila and the baby will all have their own rooms."

"What about you and I?" Wanda questioned as they traced her jawline with their fingers.

"We have the master bedroom." They answered her as they gazed in her eyes. "It can be our new start."

"A big family." Wanda smiled as her fingers danced around the scar on their hairline. "I'm so sorry this happened to you." They just pecked her lips as they smiled at her.

"A new start."

That is what they had done, both Y/N and Wanda waited until after the baby was born to tell the twins and Lila about their relationship. Wanting to reduce the amount of changes they had to endure.

Wanda stood watching as she held the new baby boy, Lukas in her arms as Nat let herself in. Smiling as she saw the scene before her. Y/N and the three kids having a water fight.

"They seem like a happy family." Nat stated as Wanda nodded. "Do the boys ask about your ex?"

"Not anymore." Wanda whispered. "The first six months was the hardest for them but even he has never bothered to reach out to them."

"But they have Y/N." Nat told her. "Even if they aren't their's by blood, they will treat them as such. They have already started to save a college fund for each of them too. Matching what Lila already had."

"What?" Wanda was shocked by this news.

"Yeah. They asked my opinion of it since we both have shared custody. They wanted an outside opinion." Nat rambled as Wanda smiled endearingly at them as they all laughed together. "They really love you you know. I can see it with how they look at you."

"Like how they used to look at you?" Wanda questioned as Nat shook her head.

"No. When they look at you, nothing else comes into view." She told her with a smile. "Just how you're looking at them now."

Wanda was happy with her life now, she never realised that she could be happy keeping a home and raising children with the love that she finally found in her life. Y/N was the love of her life and nothing would change that.

[fernlessbastard]

how do you think they'd react to the other getting hit on

Absolutely possessive, and they're both passive-aggresive about it. Like "ha ha yeah he is hot! I know, right? Ha ha ha and the best part is that he's all mine." type of thing

Ok so first and foremost: obviously if they get flirted with they'll immediately state they're not interested and are also in a relationship. That being said, when the other is around they let their counterpart handle the situation, cause that's just what makes it more fun

So, I'd imagine they both have a tendency to kinda like, use oversharing as a way to "gross" people out

They'll just start leaning against - or rather on - the one who's being flirted with more and more, and with just the most passive aggressive politeness they'll happily disclose some of their private life, making it clear that they are very much together

Wilbur likes to pull the "you know where his previous husband, before me, is right now? Six feet under. Or I guess at the very least that's where lies what remains of him..." with just the biggest smile ever. Quackity finds it too endearing to even bother clarifying that the guy died of a heart attack, that the 'what remains of him' refers to Quackity eating his heart, and that legally him and Wilbur aren't even married (yet). He just likes seeing Wilbur get that sparkle in his eyes, passive aggressively telling people how lucky he (Wil) is, and how unlucky they are cause he's the one dating Q and they're not

Ok tried to keep it pg13 so far cause it is a more general question, but I'll give a more nsfw elaboration in the context of like, at a club or something under the cut

While Wilbur's more so focused on making sure everyone around knows that Quackity is his and only his, Quackity more so loves to focus on reminding Wilbur about how he belongs to Q.

He'll pull Wilbur in by the waist, trace his hand over the man's lower back, play with his hair a little in a way where it curls around his fingers tightly so that all he'd need to do to pull Wilbur's hair would be to lazily gesture his hand slightly back, etc. And verbally he won't shy away from telling the person how good of a boy Wilbur is, and how obediently he listens, so on and so forth, sometimes even going a bit into detail. Basically he'll happily talk about Wilbur as though he's not there/as though he's a dog obediently sat waiting for his owner to finish talking. And Wilbur absolutely loves that. He loves Quackity being possessive, he loves the physical reminders that he belongs to him, he loves the praise, he loves that little sprinkle of dehumanisation, and everything is nicely tied with a bow of exhibitionism, humiliation of people finding out that he's "just Quackity's plaything", and also just being a general menace to people

Altogether I'd say that pretty much every time Quackity gets hit on Wilbur ends up in his lap (the second he's able to) which eventually turns into some very soft and loving sex with lots of reassurance and words of affirmation, meanwhile if it's Wilbur who gets hit on most of the time it'll be rather BDSM heavy (but still just as loving, obviously) and Wilbur's probably gonna be ending up as a happy, but extremely exhausted wreck, cuddled up to Quackity who's giving him countless little kisses and continues to tease him with little whispers

[frostbitepandaaaaa]

I like how that writing game doesn't specify how many questions you can pick; therefore, I'm gonna be greedy and ask about 23, 33, 34, 37 and 49 (yeah, I'm nosy 😁)

Happy birthday again! 🤍

LOL i am so fine with that!! it's what i asked for, anyway. thank you so much, dear annis!! <333

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

i am super intersted in writing a grittier, more film noir/crime drama type modern AU (or even historical, who knows). all of my modern Aus have been fluffier/skew to the rom-com-- which i like, of course, because i usually treat them as retreats from my more serious/complex cannon-verse stories... but a jaunt down a more serious path in a modern context would be immensely enjoyable and fun, i think. ala life through a scope by @guineapiggie (I will be returning to that, btw. so sorry my friend-- life kind of got distracting)

i'd also like to attempt a historical AU as well, but i think i've talked about the folly of that before-- i am afraid of getting lost in the sauce (detail and research) and never getting the damn thing off the ground.

33. If you write chaptered fics, what’s your ideal chapter length to write? Is it different from your ideal chapter length to read?

lol. uh. well. my chapter lengths vary widly. i break my chapters according to when i feel like they should end? i don't know? based on rising and falling action, basically. i feel like the longer the fic, the longer my chapters get with each subsequent one. but, generally speaking, i try my best to not exceed 12k words. which i know is fucking ridiculous, but sometimes it's just how it works out!!! don't look at me, i'm jsut the author!! i don't have control over this shit!!

as to my preffered length to read? i don't really care, tbh, but i do find short chapters (especially if it's not a prologue or whatever) to be very obnoxious. and i'm talking under 1-2k words. anything above that is tolerable.

34. What aspects of your writing are inspired by/taken from your real life?

well, to be completly frank: a lot of the smut lmao. i have been with my husband for a long time so we know each other really well in that aspect and i think (THINK) that's helped me with my smut writing. there's also certain non-sexual things in my modern AUs (across fandoms) that have been inspired by my husband and i's relationship (as long as it's in character, of course). also, if you've read any of my modern AUs, you'll probably notice that music plays a huge role in it (i mean, i also quote song lyrics in almost all of my fic too, so...). i am a huge music lover and it is immensely important in my life. also the amount of alcohol, cigarettes and other substances abused... i like to party what can i say?

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

ooooo!! wow! well... i honestly don't know, tbh. this sound corny as shit but i feel like any amount of comments, kudos, and hits on any of my works is enough.

that being said, lol, i am very proud of Sometimes the Wolf-- the whumptober fic of mine that got the least amount of kudos. i like my setting descriptions and just, like, the imagery and i think i set up a nice action set piece. it's a simple story and set up, but yeah. i guess considering all my other fics have almsot double the amount of kudos, i guess i do find that a bit weird.

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

well, my dear friend, i am working on Ch. 3 of The Beacon. going has been slow since work and life has been a bit wild for me, but i am hoping to update before i go on vacation the 11th!

Earlier, over their too-salty soup with a dusty facsimile etching of a storm between them, she’d shared more of herself with him than she had with another being since she’d crawled out of that bunker on Tamsye Prime. It’d been a simple exchange of currency, then— she hated feeling indebted and Cassian had freely offered far more information than she had anticipated or even asked for. But this? This is a sharp-edge swath of her, his for the taking. Laid in his hand to haft or to hone, to do with what he will. Cassian’s eyes dart over her face, searching but not obtrusive. They are black and depthless in the shrouded light. He looks back to her hands. His forefinger and thumb close over the rowdy pulse in her wrist. The callous of his fingers scrapes over the delicate web of veins and it feels vital. Real. The blood within her rushes to meet it. It’s an acknowledgment and they both let it loom between them, dim and silent, like a phosphene.

thank you oh so much for the ask, my friend!!

ask me anything!

[yanderefarm]

I like them all not gonna lie (they all are my obsession every single one of them) but if I had to explain

Ajax/Emil are my least favorite even if internalized homophobia resonates with me a lot actually (military field was pretty hard on me ahh-) I need to work on that because I'm pretty sure I can do big things with them.

Achilles, I still don't know what to do with him, I really like him but I think that I want to transform him in a dumb husband like let me take care of you after rough session, plus I don't think that he should work as a crime lord, he could get in dangerous situations (and I'm the only one who can hurts him). If he wants to keep going with his job? Then let me be your guard dog at work and your tormentor at home. I think that he is the most capable to help me even if I would probably need to tell him what to do first but is he enough of a yapper?

Ares is... Well. I think that he got a lot of potential, as I think that he would actually be a cool wife even if I would have to break his hearts jar first, I am supposed to be the only one. I like the idea of fake flirting but not with him I guess that it would enraged me more than excited but it never happened to me before. Probably be one of the best to help me with pain from day to day life because he would probably know how to help me and all.

Nephite, well as said in a thought sharing, I discovered him recently, at first I just didn't care about him but now? He is cute. I like his way to be and definitely want to 'break' his mind to get out of his cult, like come with me I want to see you discovering everything and freeing yourself from Religious stuff.

Noemie, aaah Noemie, I think that he is cute even if a bit too extreme sometimes (As said I could bite his left ring finger off but I'm not really into cannibalism.), I like the fact that he is a yapper, I need someone to talk about anything every fucking seconds of their life, it helps me a lot actually. So he is pretty high on the tierlist but eh he got some downside.

Silvan, it is pretty hard because he got pretty popular at some point among anons so I'm forced to like him because I've read a lot of things about him. I could definitely show him off to people but not as clear. He is my doll but I would be more subtle about it, but I would definitely call him doll and probably get him nice necklaces, clothes and all to show to people that he is mine without having to say it outloud.

OK I think that everyone is here, to cut a long story short, They are all my favorite because they are my brainrot, plus I would get their knees no matter who they are, I need to remind them where their place is. By my side and only mine (and yours, so I should ours). Which can be easily done considering that, I'm really tall and pretty muscular despite pain (knees, hands and back pain ahah-) I could almost break their skull with my bare hands. That's probably why I'm not into removing their body autonomy (mainly because trauma) because I can make them submit by force and if really needed I can break their legs but they will always get them back.

Sorry for the long request I never been this active on a blog nor been this obsessed with OC from someone, so well done bunny! GGWP, you got yourself an obsessed tall man who would write you lot of request during the night (because I'm in EU so for me it is during the day) because he thought that you (and anons) would be interested in thoughts in his brain.

-Tall anon (Can I do this? Can I just say tall anon and go on or do I need an emoji?)

tall anon i just know you're really hot. also yeah you can just be tall anon dw hdskjdj

this is interesting to read!!! i like to know what you like about everyone.

also jsyk the yappers are noemie, ares, and nephite. achilles is a lot more quiet but he can talk a lot about things he likes (i.e mascot characters). silvan is pretty much only speak when spoken to. emil and ajax aren't yappers but they could be like they both fully have the capacity to talk your ear off if you wanted them to.

[ahgasegotarmy116]

how would difh family dinners and gatherings be like? i can imagine that oc would be constantly tensed around jungkook, who will be playing games with her mind every now and then, while her husband and mother-in-law will be oblivious, happily spending time with the children?

does oc also get tensed whenever the children hug jungkook or want to be carried by him? she probably hates it.

Sorry this took so long but I made it a bit longer to make up for it 😭 I hope you enjoy!

p.s. not edited sorryyyyy

(Also if you're the same person that sent the other similar ask I'm planning on doing another family dinner scene later so I'll hold onto that ask 💜)

~~~~~~

"Good boy, look at you!" I coo at my son as I feed him his first bite of mashed potatoes. "Is this his first time trying something like this?" my mother in law asks. "We've been trying new foods like oatmeal and apple sauce and they went fine so we figured it was time to try something new" my husband says as he wipes the various foods off of my daughter's face since she's made quiet the mess of herself as well.

"Look like our little man is really hungry tonight huh?" Jungkook coos. I fucking swear this man is just trying to get on my nerves. "Yeah I guess he is" I laugh half heartedly and as soon as I turn my vision back to my husband our son throws up on himself and seconds later I can see that he also needs a diaper change. "Aww sweetie it's okay, thank you for trying bubu" I say to him, cleaning off his face.

I start to stand up to go change him but my husband scoops him up before I can. "It's okay baby, relax and enjoy your dinner. I'll take care of the children" He says giving me a sweet smile and planting a kiss on my lips and then one on top of my head before taking both my son and daughter into the other room to clean up a little. 

"Looks like he's not there yet" Jungkook says with a sickeningly sweet smile that I know is used to just tick me off. He gets like this when my husband shows me any ounce of affection and I absolutely despise it. 

"There's no harm in trying though right dear?" my mother in law says, trying to diffuse the situation before it even starts. "Right" I say turning to give her a genuine smile. It pains me that I've done so much to hurt this family but I feel as though she almost knows what I'm going through and somehow she finds it in herself to understand. 

I will never be able to repay the kindness I've received from her for the rest of my life but I will be thankful for it as long as I have it. 

Just as I'm bringing my attention back to my food I feel one of Jungkook's legs rub up against mine, continuing to find ways to make me even more uncomfortable. I hate having family dinners with him and I tend to avoid them at all costs but somehow I still end up seated right next to him. 

I clear my throat and push up against it in an effort to push him away but that only leaves him wanting to do it some more. It seems as though he was able to slip his shoe off and is languidly tracing his foot up and down my calf while his posture above the table shows as though he is sitting completely still. 

I clear my throat as a way to scold him and asking him to stop but he only smiles over his glass while he takes a drink of wine. "Dear would you mind grabbing another bottle of wine for us please?" Jungkook asks me and I take that opportunity right away and stand up immediately to get myself away from his teasing. 

"Sure, which one would you like me to get?" I ask, waiting for instructions so I can head off to the wine cellar to take a breather on my own and calm my nervous heart rate. "Can you get another one of the same one that we've been drinking already?" he asks and I smile slightly and nod my head, playing nice in front of my mother in law. 

"Honey those are a bit more difficult to find don't you think? Why don't I go down and grab it?" she suggests and starts to stand up. "No that's okay, I'm sure I can find it" I say placing a hand on her arm in reassurance and I scurry off to the wine cellar on the far side of the house, glad I can get away from him.

Walking down the steps and take a look around and I realize that I actually didn't take the time to look at the bottle that we had been drinking from. "Shit" I mutter under my breath maybe I should text my husband and ask him to send me a picture? He's busy with the children though so I wouldn't want to bother him with another task. I decide to just retrace my steps and head back upstairs and take another look at it and come back down. Sure I'll be a bit embarrassed but it'll be a lot better than sending Jungkook a text and asking him for help. 

As soon as I try to turn away from the shelves I feel myself being trapped up against them. "What are you doing?" I ask, breathless from being caught off guard. "I'm helping you find it angel, figured you could use some help" he says tracing his lips up my neck and resting on the shell of my ear. 

"If you want it so bad then why don’t you get it yourself" I say and try my best to slip out of his hold but he knows exactly how to keep me from leaving. "Let me help you. You wouldn't want to make too much noise down here now would you? Someone might hear" he say with an arm now holding me close with my ass rubbing up against his growing bulge. 

"You're disgusting" I say, trying to remove his arm but he just presses me up against the shelves to keep me still. "You should've known not to wear a dress like that, you were just begging for me to fuck you as soon as you walked in" he says grinding into me harder and running his hand up the slit in my dress, stirring up a burning sensation that is sent straight to my core. 

"Jungkook stop it, this isn't funny" I say trying to use the shelves as a way to push off to get away from him. "Really? Because I think it's hilarious with all the cute faces you're making at me. Aw look at that" he coos, taunting me and my efforts of breaking free. 

"Honey can you come here? I need help with the baby" my husband calls for me and thankfully Jungkook let's up his hold and it gives me a chance to slip out of his grasp. "Coming" I yell and hurry to make my way out. "You'll be telling me that soon angel don't you worry about that. I'll have my turn" he taunts and I glare at him before scoffing and running up the stairs, getting as far away from him as possible and make my way over to take care of my baby. 

~~~~~~~

Once this dinner from hell (from my perspective only) is finally over we all head over to the front door to get our coats on and head out. "Come here baby let's put your jacket on we've gotta go" I call after my daughter who is absorbed in a conversation with Jungkook "No I wanna stay with grandpa" she says as she clings to his leg. 

"You'll see him again soon now come on let's go" I say and take a few steps towards them "Listen to your mommy baby I'll see you again soon" he says prying her off of him. She lets go and grants him with the biggest teary eyes and pretty little pout and his heart melts. "Come here one last hug and then you've gotta go bye bye" he says pulling her in close and she cuddles him before he lets her go. 

I can't help but smile at them. It's in these moments that I'm actually surprised and touched at how good of a father Jungkook might've been if he wasn't the kind of man that he is behind closed doors. Why does he have to be so cruel to me but so loving and gentle with our daughter. 

"Okay come on baby let's go" I say and Jungkook holds out his hand, asking for her coat so he can put it on and I comply but he doesn't waste the opportunity to brush his fingers along mine leaving me yanking my hand away and bursting the bubble that had been building around us. 

"Okay baby say goodbye to grandma and grandpa" I say and she gives them both one last hug and kiss on the cheek. "Goodbye dear" Mrs. Jeon says and comes up to give me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek as well which I accept warmly but when Jungkook goes to do the same my whole body stiffens and he makes it a point to kiss the cheek facing opposite of everyone else and gets dangerously close to kissing my lips in front of everyone which are thankfully busy getting everything out the door. 

"Bye angel" he whispers in my ear in a tone dripping with seduction. "I'll be seeing you again soon" he continues making sure I know that he plans to keep that promise leaving me turning and taking hold of my daughter's hand and rushing out the door without another word. 

My daughter turns around as we're walking away and gives her grandparent's one last sad wave goodbye. Mrs. Jeon returns the wave as well as Jungkook but instead of looking at her he sets his heated gaze to watch me walk away and I can feel his eyes tracing my form even more with every step I take to get away from them. 

"Mommy I wanna go back to Grandpa's house soon" my daughter says with her glassy galaxy filled eyes, doing her best not to cry. "Oh I know honey, soon okay?" I say and she nods her head and her whole demeanor droops slightly. 

"Hey" my husband calls and I bring my eyes towards him. "Is everything okay?" he asks with his brows pinched together in worry. "Yeah why wouldn't they be?" I ask, feeling guilty keeping my struggles away from him. "No reason" he says and gives me a sad smile that I return and give him a quick peck on the lips and then he sits back upright and starts to pull out of the driveway and I take a quick glance back at my daughter and I can see that she's already starting to doze off. 

I wish she wasn't so attached to Jungkook but there's nothing that I can really do. He is her father after all. 

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[legendaryfacecoffee2]

Rennie: Sometimes.. I feel like it has been years we have since met.. I honestly still think that you are a great old friend of mine.

Olly: Is that so..? Heh, I would be surprised how long it was to meet you again. Honestly I thought you were dead..

Rennie: D-dead?..

Olly: Some of the universes including mine said that you were dead because you went missing so-

Rennie: Oh.. I'm sorry I didn't told you but I left the universe that I was in, I just couldn't stay there especially when my younger sister got killed.

Olly: Younger sister?.. I have so many questions honestly hehe..

Rennie: Oh, one at a time okay.

Olly: Okay, okay but who is your sister?..

Rennie: My sister is called Star she is Shadow's mother. And she lived in the planet that was quite close to your universe and had a husband as well. Shadow was born but only a couple of months after when he was born she and her husband were killed, I don't know if she died by the stab in her wounds or by a chokehold.

Olly: Oh dear, I'm so sorry about that..

Rennie: It's okay.. I was actually the one who find out about this but although I never saw or find who the killer was, so.. I just kinda sat there with my dead sister in my arms crying for her loss.

Olly: So that would make sense why you left..

Rennie: Yeah.. So everyone in your universe thought I was dead?

Olly: Yeah, I believed it too. I was so frustrated I felt like I could destroy planets without touching them. But then my sibling you know Olivia came by so I had to hide it up.

Rennie: But although you weren't the person who you were before let alone Olivia.

Olly: Exactly, I would say this form from this universe is more weaker-

Rennie: But it makes you feel like a good person.

Olly:

Olly: ... It's not like that..

Rennie: ?

Olly: Look, the reason why me and Olivia left was not only because we lost what we love but we noticed ever since from birth that our parents were using us so that we can rule an empire and make people suffer which is not what I want, I know I have done way worse in the past as maybe even that brain told you that I was probably about to destroy their half of the planet because of their arrogance of having 7 food wars. I destroyed other planets with our a doubt.. And I hated it, but it was very hard for me and my sister to escape especially that our parents found out about this. They tried taking us back and they almost did but luckily we arrived in this universe and they can't sense us anymore.

Rennie: Oh.. I'm terribly sorry about everything, I honestly wish that everything was more better in our universe just like planet earth is, it's so peaceful and nice..

Olly: Your right..

Rennie: Although, I'm wondering I know that we have met but you were a whole different person when we met. You were female and more colder that you usually are.

Olly: Hmm.. My counter part that I had in my universe, that was my actual form but I can't transform into it again and I would rather not anyway.

Rennie: I understand.. Do I look the same?

Olly: Yeah but more older that's all.

Rennie: Ahh, I see. But.. Although when we met.. Remember I had blood all over my head?

Olly: Yeah, and I helped you. Why is that?

Rennie: Your father.. He tried to kill me right on the spot.

Olly: H-he.. He did what?!

Rennie: I'm sorry I didn't tell you what happened but.. Yeah.. He did, I don't know why though, I guess he just hated my family. But my and your family was having an agreement.

Olly: It's okay it's not your fault okay, but I think I might know why. I think it's because my family had seen you family as a threat because how powerful you all are. And your father was a very strong warrior back in the day, he thought a lot against my mother and she kept running away until she kidnapped you and all your sisters.

Rennie: Yeah I know, but we all got out quickly luckily and went in our own separate ways but I would sometimes hang out with Star a lot. But... My other two sisters are unknown, I really don't know anything about them expect that they hated me a lot.

Olly: That's odd.. So you just grew up yourself even if your still little?

Rennie: Yes, it's in our blood really. Eat, survive and sleep. Well not the sleep part for me hehe..

Olly: So that's why you got heavy bangs on your eyes huh?

Rennie: These things? Oh no! We got them from birth everyone in my family has heavy bangs when they were born it's in our blood, literally!

Olly: Hmm.. That's new isn't it.

Rennie: Hey, it was really nice talking to you about this, I honestly needed that a lot.

Olly: No problem.

[lazuli-writes]

Outtakes - 25 quotes from the Silver Quartet

summary: 25 random quotes from each member of the Silver Quartet.

genre: angst / fluff / humor

estimated word count: 1400 words

a/n: Just trying to get back into writing more. I have so much stuff for this series, but I’m struggling to refine it. Here’s a droplet fic for Slytherin’s resident four horsemen. Remember folks, copying other people’s works is plagiarism and that’s illegal. Don’t be that kind of person. Anyways, hope you all enjoy it :)

©little-lazuli. Do not copy, repost, or translate without permission

Tracey

“Areyougoinhtoeatthat?”

“It must be the galleons talking.”

“We’re like a failed Monty Python.”

“If having half the prat-blood you have makes me less than, than I’ll happily be less than.”

“So the beast wouldn’t attack any of us, right… just asking.”

“You filthy barbarian, fish and chips are a DELICACY! What are you, AMERICAN?!”

“What would your mum do if we were to break the uncooked pasta noodles?”

“Fun fact: I don’t care.”

“There’s enough oil in Snape’s hair to satisfy the needs of English fish frying for at least a decade.”

“I’m a witch, not a prophet.”

“I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furio- not a single one of you know which film I’m quoting right now.”

“Banoffee pie was a gift from the heavens.”

“Oh please, by the time we reach your age Professor, I’m sure at least one of us will have made a name for ourselves other than being stuck in a castle teaching delinquents the refined arts of magical cooking.”

“Run Theo! Run” *cue the laughter as she watches Theo run from being disciplined by Bartholomew Greengrass.

“I want the skeletons. Oh and the jewelry please!!”

“It’s almost as if I don’t care.”

“Daph, you’re forgetting the fact that Ron and Theo share the same braincell… Wait… I forgot you don’t know what a brain cell is.”

“Mutually assured destruction. Truce?”

“What crawled up her butt and died?”

“Oui oui” “Tracey I am Italian, NOT FRENCH!” “Yeah yeah whatever.”

“That’s a lot of deathies. They would probably need multiple Potters going separate ways to possibly make an escape.”

“Ron you’d be Ginger Spice, Daphne you’d be Posh Spice, Theo is Baby Spice and of course I’d be Scary Spice-“ “why can’t I be sporty spicy” “because you can’t even say their name correctly Theo.”

“Do you think you’ll find something as perfect as they did?”

“Over the hills and a long way off…”

“Theo… I’ll be with you soon…”

Daphne

“So the first place you choose to hide is in a room with dead bodies?”

“She looks like the love child of a troll and a fairy.”

“Stupid mirror.”

“Ronald, why is our potion pink?”

“Father is gonna kill you two for going into the chamber you know…”

“You. Ate. My. Cauldron. Cakes.”

“You tell Ron anything and I WILL tell Tracey how you find her lips very interesting lately.”

“For a dirty stray, he does kind of look like Falkor.”

“You won’t look like that when you get old, right Ron?”

“So blue is out of the question. I guess the typical silver would look nice.”

“Do you think he found u-AHHHHHHH!”

“All I know is that I lay claim to any and all dresses, cloaks, shawls and the likes. Any clothes in this room is MINE.”

“A quintaped has five limbs.”

“Harpy, veela, vulture… same thing.”

“He’s more of a man than you will ever be.”

“It was Theo and Ron’s idea.”

“He had the breath of a damn merling!”

“You gave my parents the greatest gift they could have ever gotten in that moment… hope that their daughters… their family will survive this war. You gave them hope.”

“Not even death can dispute my love for you, Ronald Bilius Weasley. I would be blessed to be able to call you my love, my partner, my friend and my husband for eternity. By these vows… I declare, I do.”

“I think insanity is a social construct. We may think he’s unhinged beyond compare… but he’s definitely the hero in her world.”

“I killed a child Ron! How can you still look me in the eye and say you love me! HOW?”

“I’ve never killed a mutt before.”

“He asked to take my name. He felt that he had no right to give a name he was deemed unworthy of.”

“It is hard to play a game when you don’t know the rules.”

“Say hello to mother and father for me sis. I’m gonna miss you… so much.”

Theodore

“Why do you look like that?”

“Sectersuper?” “Sectum—sempra” “shut up Weasley.”

“Auntie!! Daphne and Tracey are breaking the pasta noodles!”

“You have troll breath.”

“You didn’t have to do that. You’re not bad Weasley. Not bad at all.”

“I would have called him a filthy spawn of inbreeding but then… that would have also… applied… to-“ “SHUT UP THEO!” “What, it’s the truth Daph!”

“Oh yes, because the lion is the most amazing creature in the world. *eye roll* When a lion talks and starts killing witches and wizards, talk to me then Weasel.”

“I didn’t mean for Malfoy to call you Weasel. Accident, truly it was!”

“Why are you always staring at Ron?”

“Why would he think he even had a chance with Trace?! He looks like the love child of a hag and a house elf.”

“I’m telling you my dear cousin, that Malfoy has been staring at Ronald’s bottom almost as much as he was staring at yours.”

“I’m gonna be a rich man!!” “You already are a rich man Theo.” “Then I’m gonna be an even richer man!! I call dibs on all weapons!!”

“I don’t know why!! I was too busy saving your sister to think ‘oh how much money is this worth’.”

“It’s not my fault you failed to save mother.”

“God save the witches and wizards.”

“I’m not staring at Tracey you imbecile!”

“You cannot be both annoying and lacking magical prowess. Please pick one failure to endure.”

“If you must know, banoffee pie is actually scrumptious. If you are going to advertise your lack of taste, please do so away from my presence.”

“Why do we have to go back to Ron’s old bat of an aunt? She’s so mean.”

“If you wanna be my friend… you gotta get with my… other friends.” “Horrible rendition sporty spicy.” “Shut up Ron!!”

“I wanna live in a small cottage when I choose to settle down. I want a place surrounded and engulfed by all of my favorite plants.”

“Still got troll breath I see.”

“I wish I could see what is it you see every time you look at me Trace.”

“I love her. So damn much.”

“DON’T YOU TOUCH HER!!!”

Ronald

“Do you have an eye problem?”

“Theo has a bag of bezoars for a brain.”

“Daphne will kill us if she knows what we’re doing and Tracey will laugh at us if we get hurt. I already know.”

“Stupid mirror.”

“You hear that Tracey, us peasants mustn’t talk anymore.”

“Do you think Snape has a pet under that robe? He always smells.”

“Potter, Granger and Longbottom seem to have this obsession with all things ‘not their business’ that it’s actually quite funny at times.”

“Me and you remember Valentine’s Day very differently.”

“Bill and Charlie ran away the first chance they got. Percy has a superiority complex, Fred is sadistic. George just thinks Fred’s farts smell amazing, and Ginny has this weird habit of hero worshipping people who aren’t heroes.”

“Theo… could you think of anything else other than… her.” “Shove off and stay out of my head Ron.”

“Bloody bint… that thing is worse than Snape…” “Ron that was a quintaped.” “An ugly one at that!”

“Some of my family has this… belief that I’ve been ingenuous about my character. When really, they just don’t seem to understand me all that much.”

“I.. don’t know… I can’t find the words to tell you how I’m feeling Daph.”

“Muggles do have the big boom booms. What are they called again? Nookies?” “Nukes Ron.” “Oh.”

“How do you think she’ll kill us for leaving? Do you think she’ll really castrate me?”

“You want to… marry me? Why?”

“Auntie, if you turn me away now, I’m literally gonna slap you with my hand.” *proceeds to wave his amputated arm, much to the silent horror of Muriel Prewett*

“There will never be a second in this lifetime or the next, that I will ever stop loving you Daphne. You bless me with the honor of being able to call you mine and I yours. By these vows I declare, I do.”

“Still sour about the Manor Lady Lestrange? If it’s any consolation, your husband’s wand works wonderfully.”

“I mean I could… but why would I want to do that Daph?”

“All I ever wanted was to be a real Weasley, dad. And I fucked that up the moment that hat screamed Slytherin.”

“And now we are both here. Rotting in Azkaban. Yet only one of us has any chance of leaving.”

“You what?” “I gave birth Ron.” “. . .You were pregnant?”

“This is your grandma and grandpa. That’s your aunties Tracey and Tori, and your funny uncle Theo.”

“Daphne did you hear!! Albus is a Slytherin HAHAHAHAHAH I can’t wait to shove that in Ginny and Harry’s face.”

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, August 1, 2002

It ended up costing $30 to ship Paula’s package. Yeah, that’s all I’m doing for her for quite a while. I’ll do emails and monthly letters, but that’s about it. She should get the package in two weeks. I mean, it’s nice to know I’m doing this for someone who hasn’t got shit and probably never will, but what does she do for me in return? Not much. She bitches about the losers in her life, then lies about sending me mail. I’m not saying she should send packages herself, but a letter every now and then would be nice and more of a two-sided phone conversation would be nice, too.

Got 3 more letters from Mary, but since the envelopes weren’t numbered this time around, I don’t know if I’ll be typing the drafts that came in proper order. That’s okay, though, cuz I figure order’s not all that important right now. Right now we’re just gonna get the thing typed up. Then, once she feels she has enough, someone else can organize it. It’ll be a while, though, like I said, since we’re talking about 80-some-odd pages. As soon as I have enough to fill an envelope, I’ll get it off to her with another pic sheet. This time around, I just sent a letter, a pic sheet, and more parts of my book. She now has everything up to March.

I saw a documentary on prisons in India. Lately, they believe in “loving” their inmates, so to speak, as a way of rehabilitating them. Meaning, the guards hug them when they break down in tears. If only they had such a policy at Estrella when I was there! I’d have made damn sure I had something to weep about every time Palma and the bear worked! I told Mary about this, who no doubt got a kick out of it.

Mary says she’s really enjoying writing her book and is over a virus she had. She can’t wait to dye her hair fuchsia, which is now down to her waist. She’s growing her bangs out too, she says, which are now past her chin. Mine is still only just past my nose.

As I told her, I bitch about how much God’s cursed me, but trust me, he has blessed me as well. I’ll admit to that. He cursed me with the people I had for parents, yet he blessed me with the person who’s my husband. He cursed me with Nancy and blessed me with her! I don’t know which was worse, Nancy or Melinda. Meanwhile, she and Rosa were definitely the best, with Misha and Marilyn as their runners-up. I would’ve liked being cellies with Nancy I, too. Regardless of what she may or may not have done, she was quiet and a good listener.

Anyway, I really admire her attitude.

Hope was charged with 4 F2s and 4 F4s. She was found guilty of 8 counts of child abuse, but it was a hung jury as to the attempted murder charge.

Oh, so we have a near-baby killer here, huh? How can she cell with someone like that – ugh! And of course, no mention of it in the papers, she says. Yeah, I believe it. I couldn’t find anything online either. Like I said, those of us who are white and who have supposedly gone and picked on those poor, poor freeloaders for no apparent reason are much more entertaining to read about. If we all were the same color or an innocent child was involved – well – that’d be a different story, wouldn’t it?

I couldn’t find anything new regarding Idiot, either, whom she says had a fugitive hearing. She said she doesn’t know what that is, but my guess is it’s about his running from his AZ charges from the sound of it.

She says Chambers became a real cop.

So, she decided to take her badge to the streets, huh?

Vasquez left for Towers jail, but Jones, LaBorde (LaVoice), and Hudgens are still there.

Tom and I were talking about her doing things to hopefully please the judge. When he asked why I suggested you not put too much hope in the judge, I told him, “You should know why. Cuz judges just don’t give a shit, more often than not. Remember, most of them are high on power and control. They’re just gonna look at the said crime, whether it’s real or imagined, and judge them by that. They don’t give a shit about rough backgrounds or current efforts the person is making. After all, didn’t we watch a perfect stranger sit in judgment of me and decide my fate for the next 3 years before he even laid eyes on me?”

But we both agree, though, that she should do whatever works for her and whatever she feels is best. But I would do it for her. It’s like with losing weight. One has to lose weight cuz they themselves truly want to. Not for some lover, their parents, or friends. Who knows? In the end, she just may get one of those rare judges with a touch of compassion!

Friday, August 2, 2002

This morning was no fun. No, it was rather stressful. The original plan was to sleep from around 6 AM - 6 PM, then go see Scot, but come 7:00, I was still awake. Even after taking a Benadryl. That was when Tom got in with the groceries and we decided to get Scot out of the way before we both crashed and arrived at his place at 8:00.

I know it’s only words, but I am so sick and tired of hearing the same old shit from Scot. Every single time I see him he just has to comment on how much time I have left, and I’m thinking, dude, I don’t need any reminders!

Having a little over a year to go is better than 3 years, but the 15 months I have left is depressing enough to have to be reminded of and think about.

Then he goes and says, “I can’t even think of suggesting you petition for early release from probation because you have a victim in your case,” and I want to strangle him for referring to that sick black bitch as a victim! And why did he even have to bring this up in the first place when we already discussed and agreed a few months ago that I wasn’t going to bother to try to fight a losing battle by petitioning? Can’t I ever go in there and just get a “Hi, how you doing? Any changes? Ok, then, I’ll see you back here in two weeks.” After all, this is all I get when he comes to the house, so why not on his turf? I’m beginning to wonder if he gets off on the time reminders and by referring to “victims” who aren’t even victims. He’s got to know it bothers me. I mean, I’ve told him this, but no, he’s gotta go and have his say anyway.

And of course Tom just has to stick up for him, in a sense, by playing it down, saying he’s only trying to encourage me and I’m like, encourage me? How is this encouraging? It’s depressing to be reminded of how much longer I have to play this game and it’s infuriating to hear the black bitch called a victim.

I thought I was going to be tested today so I went with a full bladder. “I’ll speed up,” Tom said on the way back and I was like, “No! This is Arizona, you fool. I’d rather wet my pants than have you do 20 years for speeding. Wait till we hit the dirt roads.”

Oh, what those freeloaders do to me! The numerous ways they control me and my life from such a distance and the stress they put me through are un-fucking-believable. It really is.

On the way back, the neighbor waved to us. The grandmother. I only saw her for a second and wouldn’t have known who it was if Tom hadn’t said so. I wonder if she recognized Tom or if she just waved anyway like most people out here do.

I don’t know what’s worse – the home visits or going to him. The home visits are quicker, but I can’t plan my schedule around them like I can with the outside visits.

And another thing is that once again, there’s just one more thing we gotta do for the freeloaders. Always one more thing. Now he’s suggesting we go to the clerk’s office and get a receipt of what we’ve paid and what we still have to pay so they don’t try to say we owe more money than we do at the end. I agree that we should do whatever we can to protect ourselves, but I still worry about the end. If this bitch gets mugged and she doesn’t know who really did it, I’m afraid I’m gonna get blamed. I worry they’re going to try to either prolong the probation or charge me with something new. I still wouldn’t count on never hearing about the classes again, either. This system just cannot be trusted. It simply can’t be trusted. Tom can go and do this after work sometime by himself, then I wonder – what’s next? What else do we gotta do for these freeloaders?

Anyway, I told Tom to take all the freeloader receipts to the clerk. That way, if they try to pull a last-minute, half-assed attempt at trying to sucker more money out of us and say we owe a payment or two that we don’t, he can show them they’re full of shit. And I don’t think a lot of the “mistakes” are really mistakes like Scot says. I think that just like any other business in the world, they want to make an extra buck, and if they have to do some of it illegally or in a dishonest way – why not? I’m sure there are some people who could be easily suckered into believing they owe more money than they really do.

I’m so fucking sick of this world! And I’m even sicker of this ‘Minorities Rule’ trip we’re on. That is any minority that excludes Jews and gays, of course. So much so that if I could be a black at the snap of my fingers I would. Not only would it hide the zits and varicose veins better, but then I could just cry racism every time someone pissed me off and use the courts to fuck them over, but then again, I don’t know if I could be that vindictive and immature. I think I’d rather ignore them. I’m dead serious about this too, and I have to wonder, is there any place on earth where the laws aren’t so damn extreme? Here, the laws are so old-fashioned what with the way they give such outrageous sentences for the dumbest things, while at the same time, the laws favor and protect certain groups of people. Next thing we know, T-shirts saying things like, “If I’m black, kiss my ass” are going to be everywhere.

Tom was right when he said we have more than what’s been taken from us, but on mornings like today, it doesn’t always feel like that’s the case.

Well, the freeloaders may own some of our income, some of our time, some of our lives, but one thing’s for damn sure and that’s that they don’t have our weekends! Weekends belong to us! We don’t have to do shit for the freeloaders on weekends.

In this day and age, I don’t want to screw anyone over, don’t want to seek revenge, don’t want to control anyone – I just want others to stop controlling me! I expect others to treat me as I treat them, so if I’m going to leave them alone and ignore them, I want the same treatment in return.

Tom suggested I basically have an attitude saying, “I’m looking forward to moving on and putting this behind me,” when it comes to Scot.

I already tried that before with him and others, yet look where I am today. Still unable to get on with my life and put these freeloaders in the past where they belong. Every time I think we’ve shaken ourselves free of them, they’re there again.

See, I know probation’s more about money and control than anything else, though it’s supposed to be to see if you’re going to re-offend. For example, say I was truly guilty of “stalking” this bitch; do they really need a whole 2½ years to see if I’m gonna do it again? And why put Mary on probation when she’s released? Do they really need to see if she’ll once again neglect an already-dead baby?

Despite how fucked up people are and how mistrusting of others I am, I’m glad I didn’t walk away from Mary. I don’t know if we’ll be in each other’s lives forever, but for now, she’s a good friend and pen pal. She doesn’t just ramble on and on about her problems with guys or whatever. She also wants to know what’s going on with me. Our friendship is two-sided. I sometimes wish we were closer in age, but that’s ok. I was once 24 and someday Mary’s going to be 36.

In other news, it rained this evening harder than it has in a year, sending a 2” wide puddle by the bottom of the front door that’s not even 3 years old. It didn’t last long, though.

I wish I still had my Charlie’s Angels dolls, but not to add to my collection. I don’t think they even looked like them. However, they’d be worth a fortune by now.

Tom and I were talking about moving every 5 years to different places for variety’s sake. 5 years really is a long time to stay put when you think about it. We were at the Phoenix house for 6 years and it really did feel like quite a while, despite the shitty living conditions. Especially after I’ve had 4 apartments in Massachusetts, 1 in Connecticut, and 4 out here.

He suggested the possibility of Seattle or someplace where it’s cooler and it rains all the time. Well, rain, cold and snow would keep people in their houses more often, but with a leak curse on us, I don’t know if it’d be wise to go where it rains a lot. For every pro I can think of when it comes to moving to a particular place, I can come up with a con, too. Moving’s a bitch and I don’t know if Tom could necessarily find work just anywhere, but it is a fun idea. The more I think about it, the more I like it. Maybe we’ll have less trouble if we’re not in one place longer than 5 years, though it didn’t take 5 years of living in the Phoenix house for the shit to hit the fan.

But just where would we go? Certainly not to a city. In order to go where there are fewer off-brands, we’d have to head more toward the Midwest where it’s colder. In order to go to a more comfortable climate that’s stable year-round, we’d have to go where there were too many people (of all kinds.) Warmer climates have bigger bugs, yet colder places tend to have mostly old houses. We wouldn’t need bottled water in New England, but the weather there sucks. So whether or not we go to a cold climate, a rainy one, or a warm one, they’ll all have their pros and cons. One thing’s for sure, though, and that’s that if we ever did move to New England or a similar climate, I’ll never have to be alone and I’ll never have to play bus!

Let’s see, we’re overrun with Mexicans here, Cubans in Florida, and Puerto Ricans in the northeast. There are fewer blacks in Arizona than in Massachusetts, but still too many for comfort.

In New England, the laws are more reasonable, they don’t bash Jews and gays as much, and everyone doesn’t want to be on stage like they do here. They’re not as sensitive to criticism. On the other hand, with the exception of Steve, most of the finest people I’ve met have been out here, even if some of them were only in my life for a brief time.

So, no matter where we go there’s always gonna be problems as well as good things about the place. Now it’s just a question of, well, do we want to move just to be moving for the fun of it till and if we ever do settle on a boat?

Sunday, August 4, 2002

Weekends go too fast when you don’t have freeloaders just a few feet away from you. I wanted to sleep later than 9 PM so I could be up from 10 AM - 2:30 PM, prime freeloader time, but maybe I will be anyway. That’s what makes the house calls rather stressful. I just don’t know when to expect them. If someone told me he’d be stopping by Wednesday or Thursday, then I could relax and breathe a bit easier, knowing for sure I’d be up during those hours those days. See? God knows neighbors aren’t a potential sleep disruption anymore, so what does he do now that I’ve moved away from them? He brings the potential sleep disruption out here to me. If it isn’t in one form, it’s another. And if I’m ever off probation, the sonic booms will start up again. Or maybe someone will set up house in front and play the drums or an electric guitar with the doors and windows open all the time. There’s always got to be something threatening my sleep.

I’m not bothering with the hassles of encrypting journals anymore. Know why? Cuz I just don’t give a fuck anymore. If you don’t like something I may have to say about something or someone, then don’t read my journals. And don’t complain about it if you do. That’s all I’ve got to say on the matter.

Paula finally told me that it wasn’t that her license was suspended, but that she never even had a license to begin with. When I asked her why she said she just never got around to getting it.

Whenever she mentions coming out here I discourage her. She simply has no idea just how controlling a state Arizona is. The things they’re slapping her on the wrist for there would land her in prison out here. Prison, that is, not jail. Sicko Nancy K got a few years in prison for pig-slugging. Her Section 8 wouldn’t save her out here. They wouldn’t give a shit. Especially with her being white.

I figured out the shower leak. It’s not coming from inside the wall and he doesn’t have to bother tearing up the wall. It’s definitely coming from the base somewhere. When the water’s beating straight down into the shower stall, it doesn’t leak at all. But as soon as I aim it towards the doors, a leak appears at the front right corner. So the water’s seeping under the tracks and down out through that corner somehow.

Getting receipts to protect ourselves is a good thing, but as I asked Tom, what about Scot? Shouldn’t we be getting statements from him saying I haven’t missed any reports and that all my drug tests have been clean? If he woke up one day and decided to hate me, he could rip up the form I fill out upon reporting and say I skipped. And there’d be nothing I could do to prove him a liar, either.

Tom suggested we don’t do that cuz that’s saying we don’t trust him which could cause problems when I report.

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that. Arizonans and their fragile little feelings. Why is everyone so damn caught up in what others may think of them? You wouldn’t think he’d give a rat’s ass what I thought about him or if I trusted him. How could it affect his life one way or another? I mean, why should Scot B give a damn whether or not Jodi S trusts him?

But Scot B does care. He cares deeply. Maybe he wouldn’t if he were in New England, but this isn’t New England. This is the southwest and my opinion of him matters greatly. It might not matter to him if I thought the world of him, but it sure as shit would matter if I thought anything negative concerning him. Sensitives are usually paranoid, too. He’s the type that would take most anything personally, so that means he’d also be the type to get the wrong idea about people easily. Let’s hope not in my case, cuz the only one that would end up suffering from any misunderstandings he may have is me, of course.

I still say I just might surprise myself someday and fight back against anyone that ever fucks me over the way I’ve been fucked over, and I just might get away with it, too. Especially since they’d deserve whatever I gave him. God can’t protect my perpetrators forever, can he? Would he?

Sure he could and sure he would and I should come back to earth, I know. I’m not fighting back next time. Why? Cuz every time I’ve ever tried to fight back against someone wronging me, it’s only made things worse. I’m not going to jail again, so no, I won’t fight back. I’ll just hope that whatever it is that’s being done to me isn’t too bad and that it ends soon enough. No, it’s not okay for Jodi S to fight back. It’s only ok for her to get screwed over and for her perpetrators to get away with it. Even so, I do not intend to be this bitch’s victim all my life! Someday my life will not revolve around her like it does most of the time now and has been since one very ill-fated day in March of ’96.

On the brighter side, I’m stunned to have learned that I can eat all I want, yet remain at the 124 pounds my body’s been obsessed with weighing since I quit smoking. All this time I thought that going over 1600 calories a day would cause me to continually gain weight till I maxed out at – 150 pounds, 200 pounds – who knows how much? Yet 124, the weight my body’s been most comfortable at for the last 5 years, is my max. I’ve been having 2000-2500 calories day after day after day and my weight never changes. I know a part of it is the exercise. Like I said before, you can’t usually lose weight through exercise, but you can maintain your weight with it. However, if I were suddenly having this many calories at 115 pounds, I would gain weight till I settled back in at the 124 pounds my body’s used to weighing. I could probably lose weight on as low as 1400 calories a day, but I’m not going to bother cuz I know how hard it’d be to keep the weight down. Just a few days of eating would put me back up to where I am. I’d have to keep my calories cut all the time, and yes, just one day a week off would hurt me. It’d undo all, if not most, of my hard work. So, rather than let myself go hungry, I think I can live with being 24 pounds overweight, or at least 14, in most people’s opinions. Especially when you consider the fact that most adults are 40-50 pounds overweight.

I know the working out has caused me to be smaller than I’d normally be at this weight.

Tuesday, August 6, 2002

It was exactly 6 weeks ago as of yesterday that Scot was last here. This is the first time since January that he’s gone over 6 weeks, even if it’s just a day over it so far, in between visits.

Yesterday I told Tom not to put my mail on the island if he comes home when I’m to be getting up between prime freeloader time. That way, jail mail wouldn’t be sitting right there if I happen to be just waking up when he knocks, and am coming out of the bedroom for the first time that day.

Then I thought about it and said to myself, fuck that shit! The freeloaders have controlled where I lived, what I wore, what I ate, and what some of our money was spent on, so now I’m supposed to let them control where my mail is placed? I don’t think so!

In other news, I finally got to take pictures of a rattlesnake! Yeah, I was in my office yesterday when I spotted it coming toward the house. Tom got to see it, too. Unlike the others who would run at the sight of me or the sound of doors closing, this one was pretty brave. I snapped a picture of it moving towards me alongside the house, and then, due to how dangerous these snakes can be, we ran into the house as it settled underneath the front stairs. Tom then opened one of the living room windows and popped the screen out so I could shoot pictures from there, but the only good one I got from there was of its head sticking out. I sent the two good shots I got in all to both Marys, one being by email, the other by regular mail, of course.

It was really weird how the prairie dogs came within a few feet of where it sat and neither one acted like they knew the other was even there. Perhaps that’s because the snake had just eaten. It sure was a fat one.

Mary sent me two more envelopes with quick letters and drafts. I can’t believe how much this girl is writing! She told me to tell her if she’s overwhelming me, but right now I’ve got the time. The only thing being neglected is the fine-tuning of my journals, but that’s okay. There’s no hurry or deadline on that one. I’m sure she’ll have her dry spurts again as soon as she’s got something going on. Right now there’s nothing going on, as she says. I take it she’s getting along with Hope cuz she hasn’t said anything.

Oh, Teddy Bear, how I wish you’d return to Estrella! If I stand the slightest chance, even if it’s one in a million, in getting an answer to why she ditched me, Mary’s my only hope. If she could just get back there before Mary leaves! I know this will never happen, though.

I still think of her every day and at this rate, I think I always will. I imagine scenes with her, like how it might’ve been both in and out of bed if we had been meant to be. I wonder things about her, like what is her name, etc.?

It isn’t doing it right now, but my hard drive (at least I think it’s the hard drive, though it could be a fan) has been making this God-awful screech that Tom says he can’t hear. When I asked how the hell he couldn’t hear it, he said it was cuz of the loud machines he worked around for so many years. It’s a wonder I’m not deaf myself after all the years of blaring music, but if it hasn’t hurt my hearing yet, it probably never will. Not as long as God wants me to hear things I don’t want to hear, though it’s been the quietest it’s ever been since we moved here. Since I’ve had the privilege of living here, I should say. Anyway, he’s going to take care of it later when he gets up. I swear, there’s always something. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.

In order to keep my bangs, now to the tip of my nose, out of my face, I twist them, making dreadlocks, and clip them back with butterfly clips while my hair’s wet. Then it dries up and stays that way even without clips.

Wednesday, August 7, 2002

This is the driest, sunniest and hottest day we’ve had in a while. There’s been very little prairie dog activity cuz of the intense heat. They won’t come out till late afternoon.

I stuck a little fanlike thing in the ground. Last Christmas we got this gold aluminum candleholder with a fan with angels attached to it that strike these little bells when the heat of the flames rotates the candles. I took the angels and bells off and stuck the fan part out to watch it move in the wind. It looks pretty with the light reflecting off of it.

Got a 9-page draft from Mary with a quick note. Nothing’s going on. I’m now all caught up on her stuff and she’s now all caught up on my jailhouse story. Well, she will be as soon as she gets the mail I’ve got ready to go out to her.

Miss Didn’t You Get My Mail? should be getting my package in about a week if all goes well.

I had a memory from one of the summers we spent at the beach. I couldn’t have been more than 10. Tammy and I were at a nearby rental sitting out in the living room while this woman was in one of the bedrooms screaming at this little boy who I swear she was beating the shit out of. Her name was Gail and his name was Benjamin, I think. Anyway, this was back in a time and at a place where no one dared get involved. You simply kept your mouth shut and hoped for the best.

Thursday, August 8, 2002

I keep forgetting to mention that the PR cock Paula’s dealing with is so damn jealous and paranoid that he asked Paula if she was getting it on with Tom. I was like, yeah, right! All the way across the country she’s getting it on with my asexual husband! Hasn’t she told him that Tom’s white, not her cup of tea anyway?

She and I were talking about whether or not God favors man over a woman. Well, it’s rather obvious that he does. Look what we women go through with periods and what some go through carrying/delivering kids, not to mention the abuse most of us take from men. They say this has to do with Eve disobeying him. But what’s that got to do with us women now centuries later? See, if this story’s true, it goes to prove that God really would make a person pay for another’s sins, like Tom and I.

Tom fixed the squeak in my computer by tightening up screws, so now there’ll be a new problem any sec.

I love this Webshots site. I still have their software so I can download and export pictures, but I use a different wallpaper program. They have two new pictures a day. I wish it were more like 20 or 30, but at least they’re getting new ones regularly. All the other wallpaper sites hardly ever update their pictures.

I decided that so I could keep things in better order, I’d divide Mary’s stuff into 3 files. One for her clips from her preteen years, one for her teen years, and one for her adult years.

It’s amazing how we lived together in a tiny room for 9 days, barely knowing a thing about each other. Now, though, we haven’t seen each other in over a year yet we know each other rather well.

Here’s what I’ve learned about her through her book and letters: She’s a very sweet, compassionate person, yet she’s naïve and too trusting. Not so shocking, though, seeing that she’s only 24. I don’t think she’s attracted to abusive men in the way Paula and Tammy are, but she’s definitely cursed. Her parents were even worse than mine were, in a sense, and as you know, mine were quite terrible. Her father became your typical deadbeat dad and her mother abused her and her only sibling, Adam, 4 years older, verbally, physically and emotionally. The two were eventually sent away to boarding schools that I’m sure weren’t much better than Valleyhead. Then Mary’s had one abusive relationship after another with her mental and intellectual growth stunted by motherhood at just 15 years of age.

I can see where Mary’s being too nice, so to speak, as well as too trusting has gotten her in trouble. An example of that is that she handed her baby to an old lady to hold while she folded up the stroller to put in a waiting taxicab. Well, anyone with sense knows and would agree that even if it’s a frail, seemingly harmless old lady, you do not give your baby to a stranger.

Mary seems to be a very honest, non-contradicting person who keeps her word, yet she obviously has a poor sense of judgment at times. How she could have left her daughter home while she was at work to be killed by a man who had proven time and time again to be abusive towards her and her daughter, is totally beyond me. Even more beyond me is how she could’ve run off with him from Florida to Seattle after he killed her. She had already run with him from Arizona to Florida after he abused her son James, who was adopted, along with another son of hers named Andrew.

Other than leaving her daughter in the hands of a monster, Mary seems to have been very in tune with her daughter’s needs and a very loving mother. She also seems rather intelligent for her age, despite her hardships and becoming a mom so young.

Mary and Adam bonded in their 20s after all they’d been through. Except for their aunt Carolyn, it seems the whole family was crazy. Her firstborn, Murphy, lives with her aunt in Arizona. Mary has a boyfriend, Todd, whom she has told me is the opposite of her past boyfriends and her ex-husband Justin. He is said to be a very caring, supportive young man.

To my knowledge, Mary has never been sexually abused. At least not in the form of rape or molestation.

I will say that Mary has up and removed herself and her daughter Gretchen from abusive men a few times, but sadly, she’d always go back till one day it was too late.

She’s both a good and a not-so-good writer. She’s certainly better than I was at her age with her vocabulary and her descriptions, but she’s a little too descriptive. She spends an awful lot of time telling one quick event with lots of detail.

I restructure or reword sentences if I think they’ll sound better. I also correct any grammatical mistakes. Her punctuation is the worst. She never uses it. Occasionally she uses question marks, but all she uses for periods are commas. She never uses caps or paragraphs and she never uses quotes when people are speaking, either.

She also uses names too often and breaks people’s conversations up too much with descriptive stuff. Other than that, she’s doing alright and will improve with time.

She’s writing the story first-person, saying that she felt it was too impersonal to use an anonymous narrator. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think first-person is especially better when it’s a true story cuz it’s more like a journal, only you’re telling the story after the fact rather than as it unfolds.

Unless she’s making it up to make the book sound better, I’m amazed at how detailed her memory is pertaining to events from her preteen years.

Later…

Tom brought home a manila envelope with a letter sheet, plus 49 pages of drafts. Guess I’ll go get working on that now.

Another few hours and my life belongs to me for a good 72 hours. It’s all mine! Mine and Tom’s.

Later…

Scot came at 1:10, and as usual, he was in and out like a flash like I wish I could be when I see him on his turf. I spotted his SUV, which fortunately, comes from a direction I can see from my office window without having to be right up to it as I would if he came the way he leaves. I ran out front before he could knock and wake up Tom, who’d gone to bed an hour before.

I feel a lot more relaxed after he leaves from a home visit, cuz then I know I can count on him not bugging me here at least for a while. So we went 6 weeks and 3 days between visits time around. Maybe next time it’ll be 6 weeks and 6 days! He skipped June, but I doubt he’ll skip September cuz he came so early in the month. It’s only the 8th, but when he came in May it was the 24th. He’d have to not come by for at least 7½ weeks in order to skip September. If his visits really ever do start slowing down to where there are usually 8 or more weeks between visits, it probably won’t be till after I get down to one year left of this shit. I don’t know, though. Arizona is such a serious state. He may play this up right on to the end. He’s gonna play up the seeing him twice a month part of it, but I know that for the most part, he’s just a PO. He doesn’t have much control, power or authority when it comes to the laws. He’s just doing what he’s told to do whether he wants to or not and regardless of whether or not he thinks it’s necessary. As Tom says, it’s a matter of his having a quota he has to meet, as well as if there’s someone new in the area on probation, making it convenient to stop here. I don’t see how there can be that many people in the area, though, whether or not they’re on probation. Remember, this isn’t the city!

He’s a bit rude, though, and not very bright when I think about it. I know Tom’s a heavy sleeper who can easily fall back asleep and that he isn’t leaving tonight till midnight, but he knew I was standing out there to keep him from waking up. Yet as soon as we stepped inside his walkie-talkie squawked really loud before he turned it down. Couldn’t he have turned it down before he got inside?

When I went out front to pick up a couple of aluminum cans the slobs of Maricopa let blow in, I noticed a car parked in front of the shack that I couldn’t see from the house. I’ve seen them move stuff in and out of the shacks a couple of times, but this was just sitting there. To my knowledge, all they use the shacks for is storage, so maybe they’re storing this old car there, too. I mean, why not? They have an old ugly trailer on the other corner. The front of their property is definitely neater and nicer looking than the back. I want to landscape the side they’re on, but not as much as I want to in back and in front. Especially when there’s a house in front.

Friday, August 9, 2002

In a week or two we’ll be closing out our Tempe PO box and opening one in Maricopa. Should I bother giving it to Paula in case she decides to ever write for real? Well, it’ll be on the return so she’ll have it anyway.

Both the prairie dogs and the rabbits lay down nestled up against the water bowl at times. It’s so cute. I got some more pictures, including a couple with the prairie dogs climbing the little tree out front, and I updated my wildlife album. I also sent Mary the link to that album so she can see the new additions. I printed a picture sheet out for the other Mary, too.

Tom said that the car by the shacks is an old junker that nobody drives and that it’s been there for a week.

I don’t know why, but today I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a whole page full of new wallpaper thumbnails. I got a few new ones. I usually get some every day between Webshots and the community Webshots sites.

With my piggy bank money on 9/1, I had planned to get Jewel, the last of 3 dolls in one of the fairy series I don’t yet have (unless Tom wanted it for something for him like socks, shorts, etc.), but I only have a little over $12. If these discount coupons are any good, then I need at least $17. So, if Tom doesn’t want the money, I’ll get her as soon as I save up $6 more. I’m definitely going to wait till we take classes to decide where and when to get the two vinyls I want. I’m also going to wait till we have a truck before I go getting the palm tree for the corner in the dining area.

With my birthday and Christmas money, the things I want most, unless I see something better, will easily fit into the amount I’ll be getting, and that’s the tree, the two vinyls and Amelia. Amelia’s really grown on me. She’s not usually what I go for, either, cuz she’s a blond, blue-eyed Victorian. I hate most Victorian dresses cuz they’re so frilly, but this one’s not too bad. It’s light pink with lace and rosebuds. She wears a nice pendant and has an awesome face. Her eyes are pretty realistic looking. A lot like Bailey’s. She also has yellow-blond hair, which is something I don’t really have. Most of my blondes are dark blondes. Wheat blondes, you could say. She’s 22” and is normally $40 and is by Donna Rubert. She comes with a working parasol, too.

Maybe I’ll be able to squeeze a rat mug and a mouse pad in there, too. Of course, I also wouldn’t mind an electric razor, and I really wouldn’t mind a coffee grinder.

We’re now pretty sure that the leak in my shower is in the wall. When we first got the house, the sink in the second bath leaked as well as an area underneath the house that the lazy Mexicans just couldn’t take the time to tighten all the way. Well, we’re thinking this is the same case that slowly loosened up over time. Fortunately, though, these wallboards are easy to remove. Tom offered to call Palm Harbor since the house is under warranty, but we agreed that if we deal with it, it’ll get done right. I don’t want some illiterate Mexican out here that doesn’t even know its own language let alone English, making things worse and wasting our time.

Again, I am so sick of this leak curse and I am so sick of us always having to deal with other people’s incompetence!!! Why are so many people so damn stupid???

Saturday, August 10, 2002

So many of today’s singers sound the same. Whatever happened to individuality and originality? You know, singers like Stevie Nicks and Cyndi Lauper? Ok, so Stevie couldn’t sing all that well and Cyndi could be obnoxious, but at least they were unique. I like different, but most of the world doesn’t. You know how it is with most people; we all gotta dress the same, act the same, do the same things, etc.

I wish they’d make ACs that really are temperature sensitive instead of just claiming that they are, but the damn thing doesn’t come on more often the hotter it gets or come on less often the cooler it gets.

Well, I still don’t feel the need to have sex with anyone. Meaning, I don’t feel anything either way. I’m rather indifferent to the idea, but if an opportunity presents itself that interests me, I might go for it. I’m not gonna necessarily stay celibate all my life simply cuz he doesn’t have any desires. That wouldn’t be fair to me any more than it’d be fair of me to insist he never watch another basketball game again because basketball doesn’t interest me, too. I don’t see it ever happening, but if I ever met a woman I was attracted and it was mutual – well – if I could just get her to come to the house, then who knows? I’ll leave it to fate as far as who, if anyone, I ever have sex with again. If he suddenly grew interested and hit me for sex, then I’d feel obligated to give it to him whether or not I wanted to because that’d be my duty, so to speak, as his wife, wouldn’t it? If not, then I guess we’re both free to do whatever we want. Whether or not we ever got it on again with each other, though it seems we’ve settled into being more like loving friends, I would prefer not to meet anyone new cuz meeting new people usually means it was done under some pretty uncool circumstances. Something bad would have to happen for me to meet someone I was attracted to, regardless of whether or not Tom and I are platonic, and it hardly seems worth the 20-second orgasm.

It’s still so weird, though, even to this day, just how screwy our past sex lives were for the most part. What’s even weirder is how he’d react to my being turned off. You’d think that that’d make a man a bit more self-conscious and eager to change to both please the woman and to prove themselves a man like they love to do, but not Tom. Instead, he seemed rather amused by it all. It’s like he got a kick out of seeing me feel like a fool, or when I’d be embarrassed for him, or just totally turned off. This is partly why I think some of it was intentional. It was like my displeasure was his pleasure.

In case I didn’t mention it before, I went out by where the trailer was and beat the sticks into the ground that were used as grave markers. I decided to just throw the not-so-special animals into the brush when they die. The wildlife will gobble them up in no time. As for the special ones, they get buried closer to the house, though there’s no saying that the wildlife won’t dig through to them.

Though it’s been quiet today, we’re pretty sure the cause of the computer squeaking came from the power supply box, so Tom’s going to replace it sometime.

I may put off dying my hair for a year or two when I go to trim it cuz it’s really fried my hair. Dye and perms are the worst things you can do to your hair.

Got my weekly photo album statistics and now one of the rat albums is in the lead.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Since today’s the first day in a while that I don’t have anything of Mary’s to type, I think I’ll spend most of the day fine-tuning the ’94 file which is the one I’m currently working on.

Tom put a quieter power supply box in my computer and refilled my ink cartridges.

Damn those mother-fucking freeloaders! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! I want to take a nap now, but they won’t let me. They own me, after all, even on the weekends. Because of them, I need to keep my schedule on days so we can report early when it’s cooler. If I crashed at 2 PM, I’d be up between 6-8 PM, then wouldn’t go to bed again till tomorrow morning, the time I want to be getting up.

Well, maybe someday my life will belong to me and every damn thing I do won’t revolve around the black bitch in some way. Then again, God will just appoint me a new tormentor.

Monday, August 12, 2002

Oh, I am so incredibly sick of Paula’s rudeness and not doing what she says she’ll do! I ask her a simple little thing like to call and leave a message if no one answers as soon as she gets the package to let me know what she thinks and if everything got to her in one piece, and instead, I learn from Justin that it came. But that’s all he said. Not one thank you, not one comment about it – nothing. How could asking her to call when she got it be such a hard thing to do and why is she so ungrateful? I didn’t have to spend the time and money on her that I did. I just thought the stuff would do better with her than sitting in the closet here. But do I get even the slightest bit of appreciation for it? No, of course not. I can’t even get a lousy little phone call! I’m so done with this self-centered girl who’s got nothing better to do than bitch about her man problems and lie about mail she’s sent. As soon as I can get ahold of her to settle my own curiosity as to whether or not anything broke along the way, we’re done. We’re so done. No more calls, no more letters. I’ll respond to emails and I’ll answer the phone if she happens to call when I’m up and not busy, but that’s about it. I’m not writing her and I’m not calling her other than to find out about the package. Enough of this one-way friendship!

Later…

Just got a hold of Paula. I woke her up since it was only 6:15 there, but I figured I probably wouldn’t get a hold of her so easily once she was awake. By then she’ll be fighting with her men. Although I know better, she says she’ll call later. Meanwhile, she got the package and nothing broke, so that’s good, even if I didn’t get a “thanks” from her either.

Now she’s free to go to jail.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

Justin and Paula left me another message shortly after I last wrote. All she wrote was that she liked the stuff and that she’d call me, but sure enough, she never did. Tom suggested that maybe she was too broke to afford a long-distance call and was too embarrassed to admit it, but I think she simply didn’t feel like calling. She’s just one of those who says she’s going to do things she doesn’t do.

Meanwhile, I told her I wasn’t going to keep spending money on paper, envelopes, ink and stamps when I can simply email her my journals on a monthly basis. Whether or not she remembers to check for them and whether or not the kid lets her know they’re there if she doesn’t, is a whole different story.

Speaking of mail, Mary’s still bombarding me with drafts. Damn! I didn’t think she’d ever write this much. What sucks is that she got a rejection slip for 3 letters due to excessive pictures. But I didn’t go over the 5 picture limit, so they’re either sending them back cuz I sent too many envelopes’ worth at once, or maybe they’re counting the picture I use for address labels as an extra picture. I don’t know. I’ve mailed multiple picture envelopes before with picture labels, so as Mary said, maybe there’s someone new in the mailroom. I’ll just make sure from now on not to send her pictures till she’s had enough time to get previous ones.

While I don’t care the least bit for her exes, her parents, or her father-in-law, I admire her mother-in-law for having the balls to admit her son is the monster that he is. Most parents wouldn’t admit that about their kids even if it were true.

I agree with her suggesting she get an abortion only because being broke and on the run from a madman seems like no time to be having a baby. Also, there is scientific proof suggesting that if a child is born to someone with more aggressive genetics, then there’s a higher chance that it too, will grow up to be aggressive. She tried to point this out to her but had it been me in her shoes, though, I’d have gone with the fact that I was homeless and not financially set. That would’ve been plenty enough reason for me to get an abortion, even if I wanted a kid. Sometimes one must follow their head and not their heart and do what’s best, even if it’s not what they want.

However, I disagree with her not sending her to Mexico like she asked her to. Actually, I think she should’ve sent her to a country with no extradition treaty. Especially if she had the means to do so which she apparently did. That’s what Tom and I plan to do if I’m ever framed again. We’re just gonna skip the courtroom altogether next time around and book it to a non-extradition country, even if that means leaving our possessions behind and the people we know. Most of the major countries do extradition, so it’d more than likely be a small country.

I got some excellent prairie dog pics the other day. I managed to get just a couple of feet away from one of them that was munching on the popcorn I gave it. The pictures were so close and so clear you could see its whiskers. They’re getting so brave, too. Now they come running up to me when I go out there. They’re braver than the Rat Runner and Little Ratsy. Even the rabbits are braving up to me.

Yesterday was Mary’s birthday so I emailed her the prairie dog pictures and wished her a happy birthday. I think she’s 47 now.

I didn’t weigh myself today, but I was down from 126 to 123 pounds as of yesterday. Maybe this diet of having just under 1400 calories, which is a million times easier than trying to stick to 1000 calories, will make me lose a little weight after all. Not much, but maybe 5-10 pounds. I think that in order to get under 110-115, I would have to have around 1000 calories, but I’m not going to put myself out like that, like I said before, just to lose weight that’ll only come right back.

All week it’s been miserably hot. Sunny and clear, too. Tom said that since the end of the monsoon season brings cooler weather; that’s a sign saying there are more monsoons to come.

But when? It’s already mid-August.

I’m a bit nervous right now as I always am before seeing Scot. I just never know what to expect. I could go in there and be told I’m under arrest for killing someone in Japan for all I know, or he could mention the classes again. I asked Tom if he thought they just hadn’t gotten around to checking into the class bullshit and getting back to Scot, or if they deleted it, and he said he thinks they just don’t care and that they were just doing their job. Well, someone obviously cared enough to order it, but hopefully he’s right and the worst I’ll be in for tomorrow is the usual – him telling me how much time I have left or telling me that he wouldn’t even think of considering suggesting I try to get off probation early because I have a “victim” in my case. If he doesn’t test me tomorrow, then who knows when he will? That’s the least of my worries, though.

It figures that two days this week Tom was out during the first two hours of the day which he normally shows up right after he just did. Am I ever going to get my chance to say “no” to anything connected to these damn freeloaders? Of course not. I’m sure he’ll never again come by when Tom’s out, and I know he won’t come by when we’re both out. I just can’t believe he hasn’t woken me up since February!

Anything’s better than sitting in a jail cell with Melinda B, but I just think it’s sad that I have to see him so often. It’s so, so unnecessary, and of course, another reminder of the freeloaders and what they’ve put me through, not that I could forget if I wanted to. So rarely do I get the privilege of seeing him just twice a month. I saw him on the 2nd, then the 8th, and then tomorrow which will be the 16th. That’s once a week for 3 weeks! And all for what?

Last night I noticed a big truck with flashing red lights by the rental that I thought was an ambulance, but it sat still for several minutes, then it pulled into the street for a few more minutes, then backed up to the house, then a second later it pulled up a few feet, cut its lights, and just sat there. It’s still there, too. It looks like a fire truck, but I can’t say for sure. Tom said that emergency vehicles flash red and blue lights and not just red, so maybe it’s a tow truck of some kind. I don’t know, but it’s so ugly. I can’t wait till we don’t have to see them anymore, though that’s going to be such a long time from now.

So now they’ve got a red truck to add to the navy SUV and white van. It seems most of Maricopa owns at least 3 vehicles of some kind. I’d be willing to bet we’re the only ones with just one around here.

A few days ago my computer was completely unbootable. I had Tom give me a quieter power supply box that was fucked up and corrupted some programs I have. One of the fans was fucked up, too. See what I get when I try to fight noise? Anyway, he fixed it for me.

I’ve been making some posters. I decided my office was due for a change, but that’s not the only room I’m decorating. I’m also putting some in the bedroom. On the closet door, the retreat door and the bedroom door. I’m going to do a big one to put in the den and maybe even one for the utility area. I’m using my wallpaper pics for them. Things like waterfalls, dogs, cats and other scenic pics.

I decided I might not bother learning to paint a black slip by making a black doll in class. Regardless of whether or not I think they’re assholes, black is just not my favorite. I don’t like overly pale skin or overly dark skin. I like it somewhere in between. So, maybe I’ll see if I can do some of the dolls I’ve been wanting for a while now like Donna Rubert’s Chyna or Linda Mason’s Alexa. Or maybe I’ll do either sweet 16 Bailey or a small, green-eyed version of Jade. I saw a picture of Bailey at 16, and yup, it sure did look like an older version of my toddler Bailey.

The original plan was to order Jewel on the 1st, but I’ve changed my mind. See, I only wanted her cuz I thought her foot accents looked really cool, but instead, I made my own on the Fairy of Cork. I painted gold chrome bands around the tops of her feet, with lines extending downwards in front. Then I glued 3 small mint green heart-shaped jewels on the tops of her feet, close to where her leg starts. It looks way cool.

Now I can save up enough change to get that Amelia doll that’s really grown on me. I won’t be ordering her in September, though. Hopefully October, but whenever I can is when I will.

I don’t know if they’ll be open after Scot gets done running its mouth about the same old shit, but we’re going to stop at the PO here in town and see if we can open a box there. We’re curious to see how the mail service is there. Especially when it comes to receiving dolls! And I highly doubt Amelia will be out of stock.

Friday, August 16, 2002

Yesterday I was surprised to receive an email from the dentist thanking me for sharing my albums which the staff liked. I didn’t expect any email. Especially since it’s been a while since they checked out the albums.

It definitely is an old fire truck they have back there that’s a collectible. It’s so fucking ugly to have to see, too. It really stands out. Again, though, better seen than heard. An eyesore’s always better than having my ear assaulted with thumping bass.

It’s so damn hot out there right now that there’s not much animal activity. Around 6:00, though, it’s quite a farm out there with the prairie dogs, rabbits and birds.

Last night I was so damn nervous about reporting. I kept telling myself, you’ve been out over a year and nothing’s happened yet. This should be easy for you.

But it’s not. When it comes to dealing with the law, you just never know what to expect. Well, I know I certainly don’t. For all I know, I could walk in there one day and Scot could say to me, “The “victim” got mugged. I think you did it. You’re under arrest.”

Anyway, speaking of the sorry black bitch herself, he never mentioned her. Not even a word about how much time I have left! And to further shock us, he was even friendly today. Usually, he’s just polite, but he was actually quite perky today. I’ve never seen him so talkative and relaxed. It was the least serious I’ve ever seen him be. He started off by saying he’d never seen us “kids” out so early, but we were just two weeks ago. Then the talk turned mostly to cars. We told him that the main reason we were out early was to beat the heat since we agreed to forget about fixing the AC and just get an old truck to fix up.

“Know anybody with a piece of shit?” I asked him.

Then he said his mother was in an accident that totaled her car, though fortunately she wasn’t hurt, and is looking for a new car.

As I figured, he said he was from Arizona when I asked.

“Never lived anywhere else,” he said.

When I mentioned the 3 states I’ve lived in, he said the west coast must really differ from the east coast.

“Oh, yeah,” I told him, “but they both have their pros and cons as with any place.”

Arizona’s pros are its beautiful landscape, the more modern buildings, the prairie dogs, and the lack of severe cold, snow and humidity.

Its cons are the harsh, unfair laws, the big, year-round bugs, the bleachy-tasting tap water, and the way most houses are so close and apartment walls are too thin.

New England’s pros are its tap water and the fact that the laws are much more reasonable, including more rights/protection when it comes to Jews and gays. The laws tend to be fairer as far as not favoring certain groups of people. Also, the people aren’t as sensitive and vindictive. In Arizona, they’re quicker to take more things personally. Being liked and accepted is more important to most people out here.

Its cons are its cold, humid, snowy weather, the mosquitoes, the old ugly buildings and the high cost of living.

I just saw a couple of prairie dogs playing. I can tell the difference when they’re playing like rats versus fighting like mice.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I don’t have to report for 3 whole weeks since there are 5 weeks in August. I didn’t think there’d be 3 weeks between reports till November. Since he recently came to the house, I can relax, enjoy life and have it all to myself for 3 whole weeks!!! What a wonderful treat that is! I sure do feel a lot more relaxed than I did last night and this morning! Now I don’t have to worry about schedules or anything. Not for a while, anyway.

After going to the bathroom at Circle K (now I have no clue as to when he’ll test me) and getting some snacks, we went to the post office. They have boxes available, but first they want proof of our physical address, so Tom will take care of that soon enough.

All the crashing I was doing cuz of the faulty fan and processor did corrupt a few pages in the 1994 journal I’m currently working on, but I was able to replace it with a backup, so that’s good.

I went to brush dust balls out of Maria’s hair and it wasn’t very easy. Talk about a shitty wig! I couldn’t get a comb through it to save my life. So, I decided to braid it so it’d be easier to dust, but because it’s so curly, it was hard to braid. Finally, I decided to cut it. I didn’t mean to cut it all the way up to her shoulders, but it adds variety since I don’t have any dolls with shoulder-length hair, and it actually looks kind of cute. It frames her face nicely. Also, her hairstyle doesn’t matter that much cuz she’s got a sheer black and gold veil over it.

Other than that, I changed both the rats’ and mice’s cages, and that’s pretty much it. Unless I counted wrong, I’m two days late for my period, which is rather unusual for me. At least I can’t be pregnant!

Just like I couldn’t wait to get MP3s, I can’t wait to make dolls and get more of the dolls I’ve been wanting for a long time now. I also think it’d be neat to add a blue-eyed blond Joy, a green-eyed redheaded Joy, and a black Joy to my Indian Joy. My Indian Joy has a short dress on, so I think I’d do one of the others in a long dress, one in shorts, and one in long pants.

I printed out a large pearl-colored dewy rose and put it on the side of the bar in the kitchen and it goes so well with the whitewash.

Saturday, August 17, 2002

Well, someone’s playing music out there tonight. I could hear a few faint beats when I was in the bedroom, but I couldn’t say where it was coming from. That’s nothing compared to the sounds of A Tower – ugh! I do not miss it! But I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m once again held prisoner someplace I don’t want to be. There were the camps, Brattleboro, Valleyhead, a few days at the Springfield crisis center, a handful of noisy apartments, a noisy house, jail – what’ll it be next? And when? How long will I get to live in peace in a place I’m happy in before I end up in some shitty, chaotic place I can’t even hear myself think in?

You know, it may sound funny, but I was crying a bit last night when I thought of Houdini. I mean, I knew he was going to die sooner or later, and with Little Buddy and the time that’s gone by, it’s not that I miss him, but it’s the circumstances connected to him. You know, those freeloaders that relate to just about every single event in my life that’s gone on for the last 6 years. He’s just one of the millions of things they’ve had a hand in. The day I was sentenced, that was it for me and Houdini. Tom got to have him for 6 more months, but for me, it was over.

I still miss and think of Teddy Bear too, of course, going back and forth in my mind between wondering why she ditched me, to intimate thoughts of her. I couldn’t get it on with just any woman simply because they’re women, though. I have to be attracted to them. Hopefully, though, I won’t know anyone ever again long enough to become attracted to them in the first place. I’d rather a life of celibacy if Tom and I are gonna remain platonic.

It’s like each curse the freeloaders put on me led to another. First they had me thrown in jail for absolutely no reason at all other than that I was a complaining Jew, and as if that’s not bad enough, I had to go and fall in love and in lust with someone who led me on and broke my heart. She knew I liked her and I knew she liked me, so what happened? I still think it was the combination of the distance, the being married, and her meeting someone in between.

Still, I have to wonder – did she actually end up doing me a favor? Would things have been worse if we had gotten together? Would we have been just friends or would we have become part-time lovers and would I have felt guilty if we had? Well, perhaps it really is a good thing I’ll never know! The only thing I know that couldn’t have happened is that I wouldn’t have traded in Tom for her for a million bucks and then some.

I’m now up to a total of 305 photo album viewings. The rats are in the lead with 57 viewings of the first one and 27 of the second one. The two Mice albums have 46 and 10 viewings. Assorted Pets has 8, Our Wildlife has 37, Our Land has 54, and the 3 doll albums have 18, 23, and 24.

At 9:00 Tom and I ran up to Circle K for some snacks. It was still quite hot out. As we were returning he pointed out how invisible our house is when there are no lights on and it’s true. Unless the moonlight is really bright, you could drive by it and not even know it was there.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

There was a big electrical storm a couple of evenings ago, but as usual, it missed us.

As dull as our land is compared to by the mountains, it’s so beautiful. Yes, Arizona’s best quality is its landscape as its worst are its laws. New England’s best is its bigger, more spread out houses and its worst is its weather.

Sometimes I get the feeling Tom’s not truly happy with me. When Paula asked if he got clingy in fear of losing me to Teddy Bear, I told her no and that he didn’t show any signs of being insecure or worried about losing me to her, and I always assumed it was because he didn’t mind if she and I got it on if that’s what I wanted. But could it be that deep down he was hoping I’d ditch him for her, figuring it’d be easier that way than to dump me? Could it really be that he’s simply putting up with my existence? If I asked him if he were happy with me, I don’t know if I’d get the truth only because he’s quicker to admit something he does want than he is to admit something he doesn’t. If Tom S says he’s against something, he is. If he says it’s something he likes or wants, then maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t. That’s why I have to go by his actions rather than his words, but one has to do that with just about anybody. Actions really do speak louder than words.

My only complaint lately is his snapping at me. Maybe he doesn’t mean to come off as a grouch or realize he’s doing it, but this has been going on for a while now and it really bugs me. He comes off as defensive, annoyed and impatient when answering my questions or responding to statements. I’ve made it clear to him how I feel about this, but it hasn’t changed anything, though I’ll admit he’s been pretty mellow today, talking in casual tones. Well, I’d rather be with him and have him snap at me than leave, even if I had the means to do so and to fend for myself. It’s only a tone of voice after all and I know things could be worse. It’s not like he’s taking swings at me or smashing our stuff. Then I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is that I’m not Paula or Tammy who thrive on and get off on abuse. They love abuse and to be called names and swung at. It’s mostly cuz they’re sympathy junkies who also love to wallow in self-pity.

Monday, August 19, 2002

It’s nice to have a break from Mary’s stuff so I can catch up on my own shit. I fine-tuned more of ’94 and printed out what I’ve done so far. I decided to quit the fine-tuning of when I go to jail, so this means I printed out all of ’01 and what I’ve done so far of ’02. So I’ll work my way up from mid-’94, which is where I’m at now, to October 30th of ’00.

Little did I know when on October 29th of 2000 I said that tomorrow was my “final round” with those freeloaders! Boy, was I wrong! I couldn’t have been more wrong if I tried! In a sense, that was just the beginning. Far from the end. I’m still far enough from the end and like I said, it feels like I’ll never shake free of them. Like I’ll always be counting freeloader time down.

Yesterday evening was windier than it had been in a week, and today while I slept, it drizzled for a minute, according to Tom, who did a lot of straightening up in his office (finally), but still no serious rain.

Mary L replied back saying she liked the foot accents I did on the Irish fairy. She’s also glad she lives where she lives so she doesn’t have to worry about wild creatures. Speaking of which, I got a cute shot of a prairie dog peeking out from under a trench it dug under the water bowl.

I was doing okay for a while there, then Teddy Bear started eating at me again for the millionth time. Oh, how I miss her, and oh how I long to be in her arms getting to know her, getting it on, etc! Being attracted to her was one thing like I was with Palma, but did I really have to go and fall so in love with her too, to make matters worse?! Who knows? Maybe when I’m 40 I’ll be over her. God must not want me to have any answers as to why she blew me off or else she probably wouldn’t have left Estrella. Mary’s my only hope of getting the chance to find out anything if she’d just get her ass back in there before she leaves! Maybe I’ll see if she can find out what the usual deal is as far as where DOs work, for how long, and what the odds are of them ever returning to a place they once worked at.

I think back to the time she told me she didn’t want me to feel slighted when she told me to wait a year before writing to her. Well, how does she think I felt when I got no response to my letter? Doesn’t she know that if I didn’t care about her contacting me I wouldn’t have bothered writing her in the first place?

Well, since I’m sure I’ll be back working again for Mary tomorrow, I’m going to go work for myself now.

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Mary sent one envelope with a quick note and some drafts, and I got the 3 envelopes back. From now on I’ll send one picture sheet at a time. God, this world is so hell-bent on rules and control! I mean, who fucking cares how many pictures they get? Why do people make such big deals out of nothing? It’s only pictures!

Tom and I were just talking about how nice it is to be on the same wavelength as far as what we want to do in life goes. I mean, I know I’m going to be the main dollmaker, but he’s so into it with me and that’s cool. I can tell this by the way he’s been bringing up the subject on his own, doing research, etc. He doesn’t try to steer clear of the subject or make excuses. He’s been putting his actions where his mouth is on this one and that’s cool. Not that we can’t do things that the other isn’t into at times. He doesn’t have to like the same music I like and I don’t have to like the same shows he likes, but when it comes to more serious goals and dreams, mutuality is nice. Not that being married to him isn’t worth it, but it’s tough when we disagree on big things, cuz then we have to try to figure out who should get their way. This is just my personal opinion, but I’d always try my best to encourage him if he wanted to get into something I didn’t. If it wasn’t anything that could harm either one of us in any way, I would feel obligated to support the one I love.

I didn’t want to be a singer for very long after we met, so it didn’t really matter that that wasn’t mutual and although things worked out for the better and I’m glad we never had a kid, his not supporting me when I did want one was wrong. Again, this is just me, but I think he should’ve been blunt up front and stayed that way if he was sure he didn’t want a kid, or if he did, he should’ve gone to a therapist and tried to fix his problem (not 3 years later). Instead, he made vague references about not wanting one in the beginning, then changed his story to sound good to me while his actions would totally go against his words, as he’d make one excuse after another. Never should you lead a loved one on and say you’re going to do something you don’t that you know is important to them.

Anyway, hopefully we’ll both have learned from the past, and hopefully, if I decided I wanted to open a restaurant, though I can’t imagine why I ever would, he’d be there to support me even if he disagreed with it, just as I’d be there to support him if he decided he wanted to get a bunch of smelly horses that’d eat up a great deal of our time and money. Sure I’d bitch about it along the way, but who the hell would I be to stop him? And who the hell would I be to string him along, make excuses, and not do what I said I was going to do? Hopefully, we won’t ever again be faced with non-mutual goals/dreams, but if we are, we are, and we’ll have to support each other. One doesn’t have the right to play God with the other’s dreams. And one’s only choices shouldn’t have to be to either give up what they want or leave the person.

I was watching an old Law & Order show. The DA was saying that a certain sentence was too harsh and to go to someplace like Arizona if they thought they wanted to impose such a sentence. Not New York, one of the most tolerable places. Yeah, I’m not surprised Arizona was mentioned. Arizona, the state that tolerates absolutely nothing but hatred towards Jews and gays.

You know, I gotta wonder about that black bitch and her sick cock. I mean, I have a feeling I’m not the first one they’ve used their black pig pal to drag into court out of spite, revenge and hate. And surely I couldn’t be the last. Just like there’s no such thing as a one-time rapist, these aren’t the kinds of people that would use and abuse the law against someone they’re pissed off at just once. If any decent lawyer or judge could set aside the “poor, poor minority” attitude this state’s so hooked on, and do a little digging, they may be surprised to see a frightening pattern when it comes to any of these freeloaders. The question is, would they want to see it? That’s the real question, cuz I have a very strong feeling that even if you waved the truth in their faces, they wouldn’t want to know it.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

PG’s now having a sale where you get $10 off any orders over $100 and $5 off any orders over $60, and I’m like, oh wow, what a sale! A lousy $5 or $10. If it were $20 or $30, that’d be more of a sale.

Got a couple of letters and book clips from Mary. I asked her if she’d be interested in any of my journaling now that she’s got the whole jailhouse journal, and if so, what would she be interested in? The 80s, 90s, current? Or should I just pull excerpts out at random? She should recognize people’s names from my autobiography. That way, if I pull a 1987 clip pertaining to Nervous, she won’t be like – who the hell is he?

She said she thought the prairie dog pics were so cute and that she has them on the wall. That is, I’m sure, till Misery tells her to take them down.

She said it was up to me what name I wanted to use in her book. At first I thought, well, I like the name Dawn better than Jodi, but then I decided I’ll just be Jodi. That way, if the book ever does get published, I can tell people, like my in-laws, to look for my name in the book.

It may be a bit premature, but has she thought of a name for the book? I asked her. I know that if I had written a book on my experience with the freeloaders/law/jail, I’d have called it, It Happened to Me, It Could Happen to You.

I suggested book titles for her book like For the Love of Gretchen or For All the Gretchens Out There.

Maybe something more dramatic like Run, Before It’s Too Late!

She’s always saying she doesn’t remember where she left off, so I suggested she keep a separate piece of paper to keep track of subjects so she’ll know where she left off. She could even write them on the walls or ceilings like I used to!

I asked her if she thought Hope knowingly tried to kill her kid, or if she thinks she almost did in the heat of the moment. She said she doesn’t know and tries not to think about it cuz it’s better that way. Yeah, I hear her as far as how it’s sometimes best not to know the truth about others. Especially if the truth could be something you don’t want to know/hear. Makes it easier that way. I still just cannot believe they’ve been together this long! I’ll bet if I were in that jail for 10 years I wouldn’t get the blessing of residing with the same person for more than 4 weeks.

She’s very lucky to have a compassionate PO which she describes the guy to be. He didn’t even violate her for running! Scot’s the type that’d violate someone just for thinking about running. Anyway, I think that what helps Mary get more compassion than I have is a combination of the fact that there’s a dead kid involved, her overall appearance (she’s young and pretty), and her friendly demeanor. She doesn’t look like a criminal, you don’t talk like a criminal, you don’t act like a criminal, not that I do. Also, there were no “minorities” involved. No one with legal connections to use against her, either.

I had asked her how she could’ve run to Seattle with Justin after he killed her kid and she said she was so brainwashed by him that she didn’t know what she was doing. I could never imagine anyone ever being able to brainwash me in the way he did with her cuz I’m such a stubborn, defiant bitch. Especially after getting screwed over the way I did when I was a younger, too-nice and too-trusting person. It’s taught me not to put much stock in what others say/do. I can understand, though, that with her being such a sweet, loving, mellow person how a sick twist like him would take advantage of her. And I can see that with her being as young as she was and with not having much of a family to turn to it’d be easier to succumb to abuse like that. I figured he had to have either brainwashed or threatened her into running to Seattle. I knew she wouldn’t just up and willingly go along with it, but damn! I had no idea of the hit he put on her! He said he had a hit out on her and that she was grateful when the FBI rescued her. I don’t know why he had to have a hit on her when he could’ve killed her himself. He’d already killed the kid himself. What? Would having two murders on his hands be too much to handle?

If Teddy Bear won’t return, then I wish Palma would at least get back there so she can tell her I kind of miss her.

Anyway, she tells me yet again how grateful she is to have me as a friend she is and how I’ve taught her it’s ok to trust again, but no, it’s not ok. Certainly not with just anyone! I live like a hermit for a reason. I have Tom, my pets, and her as my pen pal/friend, and that’s enough. It would’ve been nice to have Teddy Bear as a side dish, but side dishes weren’t meant to be, obviously, so I make do with what I have. It’s not that what I have isn’t good enough, it’s just that Teddy Bear got me all psyched up for nothing. To me, she’d have been an extra bonus to add to what I already have, but instead, my extra bonus will be dollmaking.

I’m slightly tired today. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I wake up a little earlier than I’d have liked and I can’t go back to sleep. I totally do not miss all those wake-up calls in jail! I do not envy Mary with the are-you-okay shit from the nurses, the clothes exchanges, people screaming on their hour out, etc.

Wonder if she’s still a night person? Sometimes when I’m up at 2 AM, I wonder, is Mary up now, too? Maybe listening to her radio?

Friday, August 23, 2002

Got a letter from Mary today. She told me Chavez told her Teddy Bear’s still at Madison, but is now on 1st shift. Also, she could return anytime since DOs are transferred regularly.

I was surprised it was Chavez to tell her this since she had told me she was moving to Vegas at the end of ’01. Or is that just something you tell a stalker? Nah, I’m sure she wasn’t worried about me and that she meant it. She probably just changed her mind and decided to stay in Arizona.

Anyway, I know she won’t return while Mary’s there. If God wanted me to have some answers or at least a shot at some answers, then he’d have made sure Teddy Bear was there after the letter was sent. Yet it’s obvious he doesn’t want me getting any answers. To him, she was just another tool he could use to hurt me, and I should’ve known better than to even think of praying for help in getting over her. I should’ve known my prayers would fall upon deaf ears. He’s probably up there laughing at me right now! Just when I think I’m going to get over her and that perhaps something up there really is helping me to get through, tears sting my eyes when I remember and think of her. I tell myself I won’t let her make me cry, but then again, maybe I should let it all out, maybe it’d help and maybe I’d feel better. So, like Helen would suggest I do, I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes earlier.

I gotta wonder, though – if I could tell her how hurt I’ve been over her ignoring me, would she feel bad, or would she just look at me and laugh? And how would she react if another female inmate started flirting with her that she was attracted to? Would she tell them too, that she’d respond to them if they waited a year before contacting her?

I know, though, that regardless of why she blew me off, what we had going back in jail was real. I’d be willing to bet Bailey, Joy and Jade that it would’ve escalated to kisses and a bit of touchy-feely too, had we both been there longer.

Oh, Teddy Bear! You’ll never know just how much I love you, never know just how much you hurt me.

I’m not too alarmed over this, but I discovered something a bit disturbing as the sun was setting. Tom had just left for work and I heard a pop. The kind the house makes when it’s settling. That’s probably just what it was, but this one was pretty loud. It almost sounded like something hit the back or front door. I was in my office when I heard it. So, I got up and looked out the kitchen window. That’s when I noticed a beverage can of some kind, though I can’t be sure that’s what it was, nestled up against the long-dead garden fence. I know the wind’s capable of blowing cans around and I’m not saying anyone’s been lurking around, but I just think it’s a weird place for one to end up on this property. I can see one ending up in front with it being almost a straight shot from the road to the house. But in back of the house and especially so close to it, wouldn’t a can have to get hung up on the brush no matter which direction it came from? Cans aren’t as light as paper or plastic shopping bags that can fly up over trees and brush easily.

Again, I’m not saying it means anything, but you know, I really wish at times those freeloaders would have the balls to face me here on our property. That is, unarmed and one at a time, of course. I couldn’t fight them with the law, but I could at least try damn hard with my fists and rage. Tom and Mary are probably right, though. They’re not going to fuck with me out here without connections. They wouldn’t have the guts. That’s why they cowered behind the law in the first place.

I jokingly said to Tom that I ought to get a shirt that says “In God I Do Not Trust” and he said, “Now why would you want to do that and set yourself up for harassment?”

Well, I don’t, but you know, there comes a time when I have to be me. Period. Regardless of what others may think. I can’t worry about other people’s poor, poor feelings all my life. If they’ve got a problem with me, then that’s their problem. As long as I don’t push my views on others, I’d be doing nothing wrong by getting a shirt that said that, and dammit, I’m not going to kiss this society’s ass! I don’t owe them shit and they don’t owe me shit. All we owe each other is respect and the right to be ourselves.

Anyway, he explained to me what all the fuss is all about. To me, it sounds like nothing more than wishful thinking, but again, we all have a right to our beliefs. According to him, most people believe life’s one big test and that it’s the devil and not God that causes bad things to happen. The test is to determine who goes to hell and who lives eternally with God, but I’m sorry, he should be stepping in more often. This is just my opinion, but sometimes a little divine intervention, as they call it, is necessary. Just like Art should’ve defended us against Doe, so should he when the going gets really rough. It was one thing to “test” me by sitting back and letting the freeloaders shit on us like they did when we were still living together, but shouldn’t he and couldn’t he have put his foot down once it came down to going to jail? I think that’s when he should’ve stepped in and said, “Hey, enough’s enough already! Leave this poor girl alone. She never did a damn thing to provoke you, yet you’ve been picking on her for no reason at all other than that she asked that your music be lowered” (and that I was Jewish, but I didn’t know that at the time).

But no, to add insult to injury after all the shit they put us through on N. 21 Ave., I had to go to jail, live in a shoebox with a few psychos and noise that makes the NHA seem like it was as quiet as where I am now, take cold showers, eat inedible spicy food, get shit for sleep, then get my head played with and my heartbroken, not to mention all the shit and stress I’ve gone through since being out. So, when is enough ever enough? Although barely, I survived my family, I survived Brattleboro and Vermont, I survived shitty “friends” and neighbors, I survived not seeing many dreams come true, and I’ve survived jail. What more do I need to survive and what for?

I don’t believe in heaven and hell. Not the way some people do. Meaning, I don’t think God hates gays or anything like that. Hell, he even has a heart for perverts and murderers! I believe this simply because I find it hard to believe they’d exist if he really had anything against them. If I was going to create a world, why would I create horrible people along with it? I believe he can hate certain individuals and families, but not whole groups of people.

I asked Tom what he thinks is the case after we die and he said he doesn’t know. Neither do I. I don’t know if we’re reincarnated or if we just blink out and that’s it or what.

On the lighter side and to speak of one of my passions in life, PG has a couple of cute new $25 fairies that Tom said we can get, along with $40 Amelia, by the end of the year. I know we’ll get free shipping, and if the discount coupons are good we should save $15 on the whole order. One of them is the same mold, except for the arms and legs, as my Valentine Fairy. They did her and Emerald over with the same color hair, but this time around Emerald’s is short and Valentine’s is curly. I don’t like Emerald’s makeover, but Valentine, called Rainbow in this version, wears a cute, colorful dress. So does Rainbow’s Jewels which also comes with a resin mouse. I can’t show pictures to Mary cuz of the copy guard that site has, so I’ll just wait till I get them and shoot my own.

They were having “Hawaiian” Day at work and they were giving out these shell necklaces to the employees, so Tom brought home his. It’s kind of nice with cream-colored shells. Maybe a doll can wear it someday, but for now it’s on the doorknob of the back door.

What the fuck? Did Dan move back into the area? I’ve been hearing loud motors on and off since nightfall, yet it doesn’t sound anywhere close, fortunately.

Well, it’s just after 11 PM now. Been up since 1 PM. I’m going to hang loose, listen to some music and watch TV till I crash. Maybe read, too. I watch a lot of the legal and forensics stuff, old Charlie’s Angels reruns, and I just taped a new movie of Stephen King’s with psychics, ghosts, and all that fun stuff I love.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

I decided, believe it or not, to write another jailhouse story. Only difference is that this time around it’ll be hyped up with pieces of bullshit thrown in here and there. Tom even suggested I write about a real-life experience and expand on it. Oh, I’m going to expand on it alright! It’ll be written in story format and not laid out like a journal. Also, Teddy Bear and I will get to do the things we never got to do in reality! Hee, hee! Just like The Dead Zone series is based on characters and events from the movie, my book will be based on real-life experiences and real-life people. I think I might even be psychic too, and make Pancake Face Smith do things I could only dream about making her do when she pulled Mary. Things like uncontrollable and highly embarrassing farting. Yes, in my story I shall have what just about everyone else has had over me that I didn’t – control. What I say will go. Tom probably won’t care, but I’m sure Mary will get a kick out of it. It’ll basically be a romantic comedy with the DO’s names changed, yet still close to their real names, leaving just the inmates’ true names. I’ll probably only include DOs and inmates that were main players in real life. Probably only the ones who stood out in either good or bad ways and no in-between DOs or inmates like Brea and Carolyn P.

At first I asked myself, do I really want to write this story and chance jinxing myself into having all this come true? But I could never end up as psychic as I plan to be in this book. Besides, I’ve written plenty of things that never rang true in the end, and remember, in the story Andy and I talked about me writing, the inmate and guard got it on. Teddy Bear and I obviously didn’t get that far, of course. So, my story ideas almost came true, but they didn’t quite make it.

I think I’ll even change my charges. Maybe I’ll have spray-painted a building or something. No chance of that getting jinxed into reality since I have no desire to spray-paint anything.

This time around I’m going to proofread it a few times once it’s done and not give it to anyone as I complete each chapter like I did with my bio. I want to make sure I get any typos I may have missed the first time around taken care of.

I don’t know how long it’ll be. I’ll just write whatever I feel like writing for however long I feel like writing it. I’ll do this in between my usual household tasks, my regular journaling, my fine-tuning of old journals, Mary’s story, and hopefully soon, my dollmaking.

Later…

What the hell is going on? I was doing better, but now I just can’t get that woman off my mind! Damn those mother-fucking freeloaders Joely N and Debra V for doing this to me, damn Tammy B, damn the pig Jerry O, damn Paul K, damn Judge H, damn the DA Jackie I and damn God for sitting back and allowing all these people to shit on me time and time again for no reason at all.

Why must I always be hurt over something? If it’s not impossible dreams depressing me, then it’s over a woman I can never have. Hurting over her is better than wanting a kid like I did for what? 4 or 5 years? Anyway, I try to tell myself that I could’ve ended up a lot more hurt if we had gotten together, but it doesn’t really console me. The new millennium has brought an all-time low in depression (though plenty of anger), but trust me, today and yesterday have been quite sad.

I start to think, oh, how nice it’d be if she had to return to M Dorm and be flooded with a ton of memories of me, making her be the one to be depressed for a change, as well as maybe feel a little guilty. But then I tell myself to come back down to earth. She wouldn’t remember and think of me, but maybe for a second. As for guilt – well – she’s obviously okay with what she’s done or else she’d have at least called or written to tell me she hasn’t forgotten about me, but we can’t get together. God wouldn’t allow her to return while Mary was still there. That way I can go on hurting without any answers and wondering what happened and how and why she could blow me off like she did.

When I first got out of jail, Tom said that since there was no fighting any of the corrupt, prejudiced assholes that put me in the predicament I’m in today and have been in and will be in for quite a while to come, anything he did would be strictly revenge. He insisted, though, that he’d never tell me what he was going to do, saying that the less I knew the better. At first I was all for it, though I always figured he was just saying this to try to make me feel better since he’s never been the vengeful type. Then as time went on I was like, hey, this is Arizona. The strictest state in the country along with Texas. And we’re Tom and Jodi S. We can’t do shit even if we could cuz we’d just end up in prison for sure. Maybe God would let someone else get away with fucking someone over, but we could never get away with fucking someone over, and certainly not these precious freeloaders he’s been hell-bent on protecting and worshiping ever since the get-go. If we were so much to as dare to even give them dirty looks, we’d be going down big time. So I told Tom, even though I know he’s not going to do anything simply because he couldn’t do anything severe enough to them without exposing himself anyway, that just like with everyone else who’s fucked us over, there’s nothing we can do. We just have to let it go and hope that God really truly does have good reasons for protecting these people, though I can’t imagine what they could be. Nonetheless, if he’s gone this far with covering their asses, he’s not going to stop. Remember, I told him, people can do whatever they want to with us. It’s us that are forbidden from doing anything, be it fighting back against those fucking us over, or fucking over someone for no reason ourselves. If it’s us, we can’t get away with it, so drop any plans you may have. Meanwhile, I’ll just cry over Teddy Bear for 4 or 5 years till it’s on to something else to get me down or perhaps piss me off and frustrate the hell out of me.

Monday, August 26, 2002

The sun’s coming up later these days.

They got rid of the fire truck in back. Now they have a bright green truck. Where do people get the money for so many vehicles?

I don’t want to see Scot till the first Friday of next month, so awake or not, I’m not answering the door before September 6th. I need this rare 3 whole weeks off from seeing his face.

Meanwhile, I’ve been having a field day getting karaoke MP3s. They don’t display lyrics while they’re playing, so I went to this site that has tons of lyrics and printed them out to make singing to them easier if I do any recording. Tom says he misses hearing me sing, though I still do nearly every day with the music blasting. We discussed recording me singing to the music which only contains background vocals. Who knows? Maybe we’ll even give a copy to Mom, Mary and Dave if it comes out halfway decent. I mean, it doesn’t have to be perfect. At least I won’t have to stop and clear my throat every other line like I did when I smoked. I’ll just have to remember not to use my inhaler before I sing cuz that makes me congested at times, too.

Still haven’t heard from Paula. Yeah, she’s really grateful, ain’t she? That’s ok, though, she isn’t hearing from me, either. Not till I email my monthly journaling, but I don’t know if she’ll get it. That kid of hers just doesn’t get it when he’s told to let her know when she’s got an email. Sometimes he does, but he obviously doesn’t for the most part, but hey, she either gets it or she doesn’t. I’m not playing one-sided pen pal with her anymore. I’d rather put the ink, paper, stamps and envelopes towards Mary, my mutual, sane friend.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Another picture was downloaded from Mystery’s Dolls3. I’d be willing to bet it was Joy. That particular album only has a few pictures of her and a few Barbie pictures. I would think that with a doll looking like Joy, it must’ve been her they took. In a dress that I made. And all under 20 minutes, too.

Anyway, I expect that when Tom gets home within the next few hours he’ll have more story clips from Mary about her hiding out in New York from Justin, proof that God does make mistakes.

Meanwhile, I’ve been practicing singing to karaoke a lot, but not working much on my story. I have done some fine-tuning, though.

Anyway, I went to a lyrics site and printed out the lyrics to the songs I may record. If we can get some decent enough songs sung by me, or at least what I consider to be decent enough, we’ll merge the files (me and the karaoke) and burn them onto CDs.

Wish I knew why I was so damn fartsy all the time! I smell like a baby, or like a druggie named Bentley from Tent City. It seems no matter what I eat, my tummy’s a constant gas chamber.

Tom said he probably dropped the can that’s in back when he was bringing stuff out. Let’s hope so. That’s awfully close to the house, though as I said before, a part of me wishes I would catch a pig or a freeloader on the prowl.

We’re still having a very non-existent monsoon season. Of course, we had to have a fierce monsoon season when we had our leaky roof in Phoenix. That’s just our shit luck. If the roof suddenly blew off of this house, it’d rain like hell.

Anyway, as fun as the storms can be to watch, it really is a good thing we’re having all this dry weather. Then there’s no risk of leaks, like through the front door which Tom’s going to get new weather stripping. Rain also brings in the spiders and thunder wakes me up and can mess up my schedule. We’re getting close to the classes. I can’t afford to have any potential threats to my schedule at that point. I’ve got the freeloaders to deal with as it is.

Tom said he heard a report saying that if it doesn’t rain before August is out, it’ll be the first time in 27 years it didn’t rain in August.

I just wish those cheeks would come here when I was either at class or home alone so I could have the honor and the pleasure of ignoring him! But that will never happen. I mean, I’m home 99.9% of the time, so the odds of him stopping by while I was out are very slim. He’d have to be a gorgeous woman for that to happen.

I was telling Tom that with the omission of the freeloaders and the hurt caused by Teddy Bear, the turn of the century’s been the happiest years for me yet and life’s been getting better with time. He said he gets happier too, so this laid to rest any remaining questions I may’ve had about us being platonic. At first I was like, is he normal? Am I normal? Are we normal? But since he’s happy and I’m happy, does it really matter whether or not we’re normal? No, most people wouldn’t be happy with a platonic marriage, and no, most people wouldn’t be happy knowing they’ll probably be celibate for the rest of their lives, but we’re not most people. We’re Tom and Jodi and if Tom and Jodi are happy, then Tom and Jodi can stay the way they are.

It seems up until my early 20s I was obsessed with being “normal.” Then I became eager to rebel against the so-called norm, wanting to stick out like the sorest thumb in the city. Now, I just want to be me. It seems we’re either born to be leaders or followers, but I don’t want to be either one of those. I just want to be me.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Boy, I really felt like a “working singer” tonight. I worked on my songs for a couple of hours straight. It’s cool that I could do it in the comfort and privacy of my own home, though privacy is not as big of a deal to me or else I wouldn’t be making a CD. Once I get a handful of fairly decent recordings, I’ll burn a few CDs. That way I can have copies available for whoever I might want to give one to.

Sometimes the songs I don’t think I’ll sound as good doing are the ones that come out better. However, there’s this Gloria song that no matter how hard I try to sing well, I just can’t seem to cut it singing that particular song. I guess it’s just not quite suitable for my voice, but I want to try to make as good of a recording as I can of it cuz it’s one I can do in Spanish. There are a couple of songs in Spanish I’ll be doing, plus a few lines of Spanish in a Selena song.

With some of the songs, I have a hard time with my timing, but I’m doing alright with them for the most part. Maybe this weekend Tom can set me up to record so that I can do it on my own time when he’s at work. That way I won’t have to be distracted by his presence. This way I can do as many takes as I need to till I get a suitable enough recording, just like they do in studios.

Funny how I dreamed of making a professional recording (and what I’ll be doing will be as close as you can get) for 20 years, then I forget about it, then end up doing it anyway. Also, it had dawned on me the other day that Mom, Mary and Dave haven’t heard me sing yet. Soon, though, they will. Not without a few laughs in between, though, I’m sure, since I’m not perfect. But that’s ok. I don’t mind being their source of entertainment in a funny way as well as in a good way. It’s like every other note sounds nice and vibrant where you can tell I’m a trained singer, and every other note sounds dull and nasally, but hey, I am better than most so I won’t complain too much.

I just can’t seem to find a suitable song of Linda’s to do in karaoke form. I’m surprised they don’t have songs like It Doesn’t Matter Anymore. I could do that one. But the others I’ve found either have notes too high or the music’s not complete. I was all set to do Silver Threads & Golden Needles, but the end of the song is missing.

Soon, I’m going to check out the daily pictures online, then do some more fine-tuning. Reading back on some of the shit my family put me through and knowing I’ll never again have to deal with their shit is such a wonderful feeling! Just that one incident alone where Doe made me continue eating after I complained of being full, one day when we went to a restaurant, causing me to end up throwing it all up in the parking lot, is enough to make me wonder how in the world I could ever associate with anyone who could do such a thing to someone. What a sick, twisted individual she was! The older I’ve become, the more I realize just how cruel most of my family really was.

Thursday, August 29, 2002

My waist is up to 30½. That’s a big waist for a five-footer. Maybe someday I’ll lose weight, but I don’t know. I’d only gain it right back, so what’s the point? I’m middle-aged. I’m supposed to be overweight.

Anyway, I see tons of thick gray clouds in the east with a few individual storm cells and bolts of lightning, but I know it won’t make it here. It’s like storms are afraid to come over this particular area.

I’m about to finish up with the 1994 file.

Later…

Soon I’ll be coming up to the last few hours of my day which are my least favorite. That’s when I’m too tired to really do anything, but not tired enough to sleep, so I end up just laying around bored till I finally do knock off.

Sure enough, the clouds cleared and it’s as bright and sunny as most days are in Arizona. Getting hot too, and it’s not even 10:00 yet.

I still feel like something’s teasing me with my singing, even though I only wish to do it for fun and no longer smoke. Every time I sing I have some sort of problem hindering me, be it inhaler congestion, burping, a tickle in my throat, etc.

Just like I spent several years being mad at God for not allowing me a kid, it seems I spend most time being mad at him for his dual standards these days. It was okay for Nancy K to threaten me, the very thing I was supposed to be there for, but it’s not ok for me. No, I can’t threaten anyone. God help me should I lash out, mildly or not so mildly, at those who harass and torment me that I would’ve otherwise ignored had I been left alone by them.

Why must I always be made to pay for someone else’s hatred, stupidity or incompetence?!

Damn my own stupidity too, for not beating the snot out of that black bitch when she came screaming at the door, and damn my own stupidity for “cooperating” with the pigs and for opening the door to them. With my shit luck, though, they’d have just kicked the door down had I not, and Arizona would do something so extreme over a letter, too. Not even small towns like South Deerfield back east would react in such a way to something like this! And all for what? Cuz the fucking “victim” was black? As harsh as Arizona’s laws are, this never would’ve happened if she’d been white as well. I know it wouldn’t have. The question is, though, if the black bitch hadn’t had her piggy friend to use against me, would it still have gone as far as it has? Would things have been so trumped up and blown out of perspective then?

Just as suddenly as the days came when it was hard for me to deal with Teddy Bear’s leading me on and dumping me to the point that I was crying, it’s gotten easier again. Proof that no, God didn’t have anything to do with when it got easier the last time, cuz I didn’t pray for help this time around. I know better and I’ll never pray for a damn thing again. Not even for my life if I were held at gunpoint by some monster!

I did have a funny dream pertaining to Teddy Bear, though, that might make for a good book part. I was back in M Dorm, alone in 203. I squealed with delight when I saw her come through the door at the start of second shift. I noticed she didn’t have her clipboard in hand.

She opened the cell door and stepped inside, letting the door lock shut behind her. “Hey, babe,” she said. “I got it all taken care of.”

“Got what taken care of?” I asked her.

“Another DO’s covering for me so I can spend the night with you.” She kicked her shoes off, took off her work belt and placed it on the metal desk. Then she glanced at my bunk, walked over to it and sat down on it before stretching out on her back. “So this is what these things are like, huh?”

Still stunned and unsure of what to say, I finally said, “Teddy Bear, the DO can see us every time she does a walk.”

“She won’t bother us. She knows what’s going on and she can be trusted.”

Friday, August 30, 2002

Tom went to work really late last night and won’t be in till close to noon today. He’s opening the Maricopa PO box today.

Meanwhile, I share excerpts with him from my journal via email at times. In one message I included some of my sexual opinions. In his reply, he wrote: I don’t really agree with your opinions but I know there is no point in expecting them to change. I don’t want to be platonic but I don’t want to have a relationship that isn’t mutual. As long as you don’t care, I don’t want a physical relationship. I want it, but it wouldn’t be satisfying unless you wanted it, too.

Although I told him that it wasn’t that I didn’t care and that it was a case of my going along with his actions, which always speak louder than words, I don’t really want sex with him, and I can’t seem to bring myself to tell him so (this makes me see how it could’ve been hard for him to admit to not wanting a kid back when I wanted one). Instead, I told him I’d go along with whatever he chose. After all, I suppose I’d be obligated to as long as it wasn’t every second of the day. If he wants platonic, okay, and if he wants sex, okay. Because I am indifferent, or better yet, okay with whatever he wants, I decided to leave it up to him. Because he’s someone I love, I would be happy to go along with and follow him on whatever choice he makes, but I’d be lying if I said I could ever feel the amount of desire and lust as with Teddy Bear. I mean, sure he could go down on me and make me cum, but it’s just not the same as with a woman who turns me on the way that she did. I just don’t feel that spark, that longing, as much as I love him, and of course, now my attitude about his cumming would be the direct opposite of what it used to be. Meaning, I wouldn’t want him cumming without rubbers. I know I’m sterile and I know I have destiny working in my favor, but even so, would you take the chance and be dumb enough to walk in front of oncoming traffic just because you don’t think you’ll get hit? No, you wouldn’t. You’d still be a responsible person, I’d hope. Nonetheless, as I told him, it was never that I didn’t care or felt that it had to be one way or another. If he came out and told me he wanted me to stand on my pinky finger all day, then we’d obviously have a conflict of interest. Or if he told me to strangle Little Buddy. Things like that would certainly be much harder to do and they wouldn’t be mutual. But it all comes down to my trying to please the one I love, even if it’s more one-sided like I’ve said many times before. I loved him when we met, I loved him along the way, I love him now, and I always will. This is regardless of how many attractive women I could possibly meet in person or see on TV, etc.

I still think it’s all bullshit, though. I think that if he really wanted sex that bad he’d have made a move on me or at least expressed these desires somehow, someway, but he never did and I think he’s just making excuses, implying that it’s because of me, just like with the kid. I understand, though, how hard it is to come out and admit to the one you love that you’re just not on the same wavelength. It may be wrong not to be totally honest, but I can understand it, nonetheless. Meanwhile, we’ve been platonic for two years now and I’m sure it’ll stay that way. He’s not about to make a move on me, and if he did, it’d be once a year, and I sure as hell ain’t going to be getting it on with Teddy Bear or any other woman like her that turns me on in any serious kind of way. If God had wanted me with the Teddy Bears, the Glorias, the Lindas, the Kates, the Norahs, the Melanies, etc., then that’s who I’d have been with a long time ago. I was meant to be a man’s woman with not much lust involved if any at all. Meanwhile, in this day and age, I’m content to keep the lust alive and active in my fantasies.

Speaking of Teddy Bear, now that I know she’s on first shift maybe I can see her online, but that would only be if she were working the intake area. Who knows how often, if ever, that is? I realize that I may’ve been a bit hard on myself as far as pushing myself to get over her goes. Technically, it’s like I last saw her 4 months ago due to the fact that a whole year of our relationship, regardless of whether or not she followed through with it, was put on hold. So, in a sense, I spent a whole year waiting to get blown off. Mary says she probably has no idea she’s hurt me like this. Yeah, I believe it. No one that’s ever hurt me, be it intentionally or not, has ever known just how much they hurt me. They were always completely clueless as far as that was concerned, and if they ever weren’t completely in the dark about how hurt I was, they certainly didn’t seem to mind. After all, it was only my feelings, wasn’t it? No skin off their backs.

In the letter I got from Mary, she said she’d have been terrified of the snake. As I told her, though, snakes are easy enough to avoid and they can’t get in the house, so I’m okay with them.

I’ve been enjoying this time off from the freeloaders and having to do for them and having my life be forced to revolve around them. It’s been a no-win situation either way. I can’t fight them, I can’t ignore them. Fighting them has gotten me in trouble and so has trying to ignore them. It’s literally like being pinned down by a dozen people where I’m totally restricted from ignoring them and there’s no way in hell to fight back, either. Labor Day’s coming up, so I’ll get an extra day off from them and the possibility that a certain fat face may show up at the house, distract me from whatever I’m doing, and remind me yet again of what these people have done to me and all they’re going to get away with. Makes me wish I was one of those ill characters who get off on being abused! It really helps, though, not to have to see him once a week.

Saturday, August 31, 2002

I’m typing this as I soak my feet in warm water laced with baby oil. My feet get so rough with calluses, so I took a scrub brush and scrubbed at the rough spots before soaking them in oil.

Anyway, I’m up to a total of 381 viewings.

Got some more rattlesnake pictures! At 2 AM, Tom got the munchies so he started to go out to the car to get the chips he forgot to bring in. As soon as he went out he heard a loud hissing that sounded like air escaping a tire. For a fraction of a second, he thought something was wrong with the AC, then he realized it was a snake and went back inside. He said it was a good thing he didn’t go down another couple of steps or else it would’ve nailed him for sure. A few hours later we returned just after sunrise with groceries, and we saw the same rattlesnake that I had taken pictures of before, curled up asleep between the AC and the shed, about 8’ from the door. We quietly whisked the groceries through, then went out to wake it up so I could hear the rattle, but it was a sound sleeper! It did awaken somewhat but was either too cold or just not scared enough to move or rattle, but it did coil up and keep an eye on us while we got pictures. While Tom kept an eye on it, I got as close as it’d let me and took pictures. I was about 6-8’ away. The snake was 4-5’ and could only strike 2-3’. Then, later on, when the sunlight was a little brighter, I went out and took some more shots. This time it rattled at me. I’d creep forward, it would rattle, and I’d step back, keeping a safe distance. Again, I got as close as it’d let me. Despite what it stands for, it really is a cool-looking snake.

This is the first summer we’ve seen rattlers on the land, so I assume it’s due to my feeding the prairie dogs. We don’t mind the snake, though, as we’re just extra cautious when we come and go. It’s been keeping stray dogs away, so there’s some good in having it around.

Later…

Speaking of dogs – two large dogs just walked down Ralston and up Meadow Green, as if we already had the fences up, or as if they sensed that there was danger here. Tom said he saw another stray limping badly with an injured leg and we wonder if a snake didn’t bite it. I last saw them at the renter’s, so maybe they live there. Don’t know for sure, though.

Anyway, Tom explained to me that even my just being indifferent and not turned off of the idea of sex entirely, isn’t enough for him. Meaning, he says he only wants sex if I want it, but as I came out and told him, I simply have no desire. It isn’t anything he did, it isn’t that he’s ugly, it isn’t that I don’t love him, I just don’t desire it. I don’t know why, but I don’t. I don’t know what to do about it, either. Just ignore it and keep on going as we have? Get it on and see if I can get into it? See a doctor about it? He says not to worry about it, but I feel like I’m depriving him (if he’s telling the truth about wanting it) yet I can’t make myself feel something I don’t.

I got a couple of letters with drafts from Mary. She’s been depressed, unfortunately. I guess everything’s at a standstill with her case right now. She doesn’t seem to have any idea of when she’s going to court next or what’s going on. I quit bothering to check online cuz they never tell me anything new. They’re all the same color, so, why should they?

She likes the new Celine Dion song too, and says that yes, she’s up listening to her radio at 2 AM, or working out or working on her story. I figured as much, too.

My journal notes still live on 205’s ceiling too, not that I can remember what the hell they said. I’ll have to ask her to tell me. She’s getting along with the baby-beater, so that’s good. She said something about getting an easy-going roommate named Virginia after Hope leaves, which is going to be soon. Guilty or not, I can only imagine just what that girl must be feeling! Ugh! Imagine knowing you were about to go to prison for over a decade! I’d kill myself for damn sure! I wouldn’t care how many good-looking DOs there might be waiting for me there, either.

Later…

I forgot to say that a big lizard ran over the snake at one point, but it didn’t faze it. I’m amazed at how much braver the ratters are as opposed to the king snakes. King snakes run when they see people, but rattlers will stand and fight. That is if need be.

Ok, now it’s off to type Mary’s drafts.

[the-firebird69]

2024 Polaris Slingshot Roush Edition (MT) - POV Driving Impressions

It's sad to be sad he said it's my husband said it is this queer trying to be him he said I wonder why he's doing that so we can take his stuff or something and it's true that's what we doing and it's sort of understood it a little you said who's this it's just leave coming in tonight that's who made it through your back door and give me a break so he goes I sort of get who this is it sounds like dinner Batman so that means helping out he's going to take his little pee pee and explore your tunnel and Trump says mine's little too you got to clear it out of there and need your stuff with Kennedy's not cruise ships like you cruise ships like you Jesus Christ k r u s c h e v s. Now this bag is fast it does the car I noticed that it has a car motor and not a motorcycle. It sounds like a motorcycle but it is a car and it goes fast they say 180 cuz it's not aerodynamic it's a four-cylinder you can count the cylinders and you make it into a supercar and it goes like 220 and they said they have to put a limiter on it so that's good this is nice I can't wait until he modifies it that would be nice I guess he doesn't need the car to drive around in and he wants to close it like everybody else wanted to

Hera

It's not funny it's supposed to be a motorcycle experience without the motorcycle that's what you were saying it's for handicapped people and things like that they just can't do it it's probably because you're in a seated position and yeah the the Can-Am has a spider and people love that one it's what he calls the Rev trike and people like driving it around I like this vehicle I think it's fun I think it's fun without the top on it and it really is and he drives convertibles he likes those too and then we can see you and it's not really that great but I like to spit on no that people trying to do that

Trump

Olympus

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

093 of 2025

What were you doing before you logged on here?

I was at work. Had a busy shift.

What was the last airline you flew on, and where were you going?

I've never been in a plane.

Which of your breakups was the hardest for you to get over?

Not that I had that many breakups in my life, XD but Nielsje. At least we remain good friends.

What did you have for dinner last night?

Meatballs with rice, curry sauce and peaches. Very nice meal.

Do you write poetry? If so, what kind of poetry do you write?

No, but I used to. I found this notebook after years and damn, it was cringy XD

Have your parents traveled to any countries that you have not been to?

Yeah, my dad was in Slovakia.

Did you have acne when you were a teenager?

Not much. Pretty lucky on that matter, but you know what it means for a guy.

What’s your favorite type of gemstone?

All with intense colours. Ruby, sapphire, emerald and amethyst are my first thought. I also have a sentiment for peridot.

Do you prefer sleeping in total darkness, or do you like to have a little bit of light?

I don't like darkness and silence. The TV has to be on.

Who was your favorite children’s book author when you were a kid?

Probably Gösta Knutsson because Pelle Svänslos. I loved these books as a kid, because guess what, kitty.

Would you rather take a class in fencing or archery?

Archery. I tried it once and I loooooooooved it. The bow is even accessible for my disabled hand <3

Has a significant other ever given you the silent treatment during a fight?

He always does that. Literally ignores my existence when he's offended at me.

What is something you took for granted when you were younger?

My health. And look, I ended up with physical disability that I never expected in my life.

Have you ever seen the movie Blue is the Warmest Colour?

No, and I've never heard of it before.

How many bathrooms does your house have?

Just one. But another one upstairs would be handy.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone?

Money from my husband, but I gave it back the same day. I had to use his card because mine didn't work, if that counts.

What are your favorite condiments to put on a burger?

Ketchup, or tartar sauce if it's a fish burger. Tartar sauce goes so well with fish.

Have you ever had a stalker?

Yeah, for several years. One of the reasons of my anxiety disorder.

Would you rather work in an office setting or work from home?

Office, if I had to choose. I'd love to be among people.

[scarletdaydreamer]

Had a fantasy about my hs crush and where we'd be in a few years...

**All names are fake**

[Victoria and Mason are standing around in their high school gym. It seems that they were the first to arrive to their ten year reunion. They were each reluctant to come, but decided to anyway as they both experienced major life changes. You see, Victoria lost her husband to a snowboarding accident and Mason’s fiancé broke off the engagement weeks before their wedding. They know each other more as old neighbors now than anything else, yet Mason approaches Victoria and starts a conversation…]

Mason: I guess living close helped both of us get here earlier than anyone else.

Victoria: That, or nobody else is coming to this thing.

Mason: Yeah, I hope not. I didn’t really want to come originally, but Matt told me he’d be here so…

Victoria: Yeah, I don’t know which of my friends are coming, but I’m hoping to see some familiar faces. I guess I was successful in seeing you.

Mason: haha, yeah.

[awkward beat]

Victoria: I don’t think we’ve really talked since we were thirteen.

Mason: No?

Victoria: No… so… what have you been up to lately?

Mason: Well, I’m in personal training.

Victoria: Oh, yeah I remember my dad telling me that you got your masters.

Mason: Yeah, but didn’t you get yours too? I think I remember either your dad or mine telling me that.

Victoria: Yeah, I got mine a couple years ago at OSU.

Mason: What did you study?

Victoria: Armenian history. It was pretty cool, I kind of miss it.

Mason: What do you do now?

Victoria: I work with refugees, make YouTube videos, music, random stuff. I couldn’t really settle on one profession.

Mason: That’s cool.

Victoria: Yeah…

[awkward beat]

Mason: Uh-

Victoria: [accidentally talks over him] Why are you talking to me?

Mason: I don’t know, you were just standing over here and I was over there. Is there something wrong with me talking to you?

Victoria: No, no, I just—we never really talked so— you know what? I’m just being stupid and nervous.

Mason: Why are you nervous?

Victoria: [giggles nervously to herself] Well, uh, you’re just the first guy I’ve talked to in a while and… uh— do you remember spending time together when we were kids?

Mason: Yeah, we were pretty close then.

Victoria: Do you know what happened?

Mason: No… it was probably something with our parents.

Victoria: Oh…

Mason: I really don’t know why. I never had any bad feelings about you. And I know my sister still says nice things about you too.

Victoria: Well, that’s good.

Mason: Yeah…

Victoria: Do you remember my older brother’s 10th birthday party? I think you guys all went to some race track or something–

Mason: Oh yeah! We got to ride in go karts! That was so cool!

Victoria: [giggles to herself] oh, well I remember you throwing up on our couch…

Mason: Oh you do?

Victoria: Yeah, haha, I don’t know what happened… but I remember that. I also remember your sister and I bonding over meatloaf haha.

Mason: Meatloaf?

Victoria: Yeah, haha, and I know it’s true because I really loved meatloaf, I guess she did too haha!

Mason: That’s so funny!

Victoria: Yeah… [beat] you know, I used to have a huge crush on you.

Mason: Really? When?

Victoria: Well, from fourth grade to senior year.

Mason: Wow… would it be conceited for me to ask why?

Victoria: Hmm, yes, [beat] but I’ll tell you anyway [smiling jokingly] I guess it’s cuz you were one of the only boys who was kind to me, and you were so handsome and I always fantasized about falling in love with a neighbor, and you happened to be the neighbor.

Mason: I see…

Victoria: I didn’t mean to freak you out.

Mason: No, it’s okay… but I did just realize–aren’t you married? Where’s your husband?

Victoria: Oh, he…uh… passed away a couple years ago.

Mason: Oh, I’m so sorry!

Victoria: It’s okay, I guess. He was snowboarding and fell and hit his head weird. He never woke up. It was pretty much the worst day of my life.

Mason: I’m really sorry…

Victoria: Thank you.

[awkward pause]

Victoria: Well, what about you? Do you have a special someone?

Mason: No, my fiancé broke up with me not too long ago.

Victoria: Oh no! Why?

Mason: She just wasn’t interested anymore I guess. It really sucks though…

Victoria: I’m sure! I’m so sorry.

Mason: Thanks.

Victoria: So, Matt was supposed to come?

Mason: Yeah…but he’s not here yet [checks phone] …and he says he’s going to be late too.

Victoria: I see.

Mason: But you didn’t come here with anyone?

Victoria: Well neither did you!

Mason: Woah, woah, I have Matt, remember?

Victoria: Well Matt’s not a very good date. After all, he’s late.

Mason: Matt’s not my date.

Victoria: Obviously. It was a joke.

Mason: I know but you missed—never mind.

Victoria: What?

Mason: Nothing…well, if you’re not with anyone tonight, would you want to hang out with Matt and I?

Victoria: I don’t know, I was hoping I’d recognize some old friends… but I guess since you’re here I’ll hang with you for a while.

Mason: That’s what I love to hear, reluctant agreement.

Victoria: You’re welcome.

[they walk together to a table]

Mason: would you like to sit here?

Victoria: If only young me could see me now, sitting with the Mason Conway.

Mason: If only young me could see me now, sitting with the Victoria Gotham.

Victoria: What do you mean by that?

Mason: Well, I guess I should’ve mentioned… I had a crush on you in high school too…

Victoria: No way. Now you’re just being nice.

Mason: No really! You were just in a different sphere, and you were so smart and focused… I never thought you even cared about me and what I was doing.

Victoria: Oh… yeah, I tend to be good at making my crushes feel that way.

Mason: What do you mean?

Victoria: Well, when I met Max, we were in a surfing class together and I noticed how handsome he was and funny and kind and immediately started gushing over him. I was so nervous to surf in front of him that I'd always go immediately after him so he wouldn't see. It wasn’t until the last day of class that I surprised him by giving him my number, and the rest was history.

Mason: Wow, you didn’t talk at all before that?

Victoria: Here and there when I’d force myself to be brave. He was so sweet when I gave him my number. He immediately agreed and started asking me questions, but I was so nervous I tried to end the conversation so I could run away hahaha!

Mason: [laughing too] wow, you are quite the flirt.

Victoria: I know, I should write books for those less fortunate than me.

Mason: I think it’d be quite the success cuz you caught my interest and Max’s, and I’m sure many more.

Victoria: [blushing and avoiding eye contact with Mason] Thank you…

Mason: What if I told you that my crush never ended?

Victoria: I’d ask why.

Mason: Because you’re just as beautiful, funny, smart, and kind as you were back then, if not more so now.

Victoria: Then, I’d say that my crush never ended either.

Mason: Why?

Victoria: Because you still talk to me with the same intensity as when we were ten in Mrs. Hilden's class. Your eyes peek into my soul and I can see your kindness there too.

Mason: I’m really glad Matt is late.

Victoria: What will you do if he arrives?

Mason: I’m not sure… maybe we should leave before he gets here.

Victoria: We?

Mason: Well, this is obviously a bust of a reunion and I’d really like to take you to dinner.

Victoria: I don’t know… I haven’t really… since Max…

Mason: That’s okay. We can keep it low key and casual. There’s an in-n-out right down the street. We can meet there if you’d like?

Victoria: I was dropped off, I don’t have my car.

Mason: Even better, I can drive you.

Victoria: [hesitates] well… okay. It’s just a burger and fries right?

Mason: Right.

[they walk to his car. It’s a huge pickup on large wheels]

Victoria: How can you drive this thing?

Mason: What do you mean?

Victoria: you can’t see anything below the hood, and that’s about the size of me!

Mason: I didn’t know you were so against trucks.

Victoria: I’m not… well, I guess I already revealed myself. I really don’t like them… I’m sorry!

Mason: That’s okay, I’ll change your mind…

Victoria: How do you plan to do that?

Mason: [turns on the car and jokingly revs it a bunch even making noises with his mouth]

Victoria: [laughing] oh yeah, very convincing, and very manly.

Mason: See, I knew it’d work.

Victoria: Yeah… totally.

[cut to them eating burgers and talking]

Mason: So you had a crush on Zach too?

Victoria: I was very easy to impress and he did handstands for me!

Mason: And you never dated anyone before Max??

Victoria: No, nobody liked me!

Mason: That is a lie, Zach totally liked you, and I’m sure a bunch of other guys did too.

Victoria: Well, I have a question for you.

Mason: shoot.

Victoria: If you had such a crush on me, then why did you never try to pursue me?

Mason: I don’t know… well, besides you ignoring me too [Victoria rolls her eyes while Mason smiles] I guess I just figured you’d say no. See, all the girls I dated back then were either cheerleaders, or dancers, or something where it just made sense with who I was. I mean, you don’t hear of a cross country runner and a football player getting together all that often.

Victoria: You did track didn’t you?

Mason: Yeah, but from what I heard, all you distance people hated us sprinters.

Victoria: It’s only cuz you guys would hog the track doing your workout which only lasted a lap! Meanwhile, I’m doing a whole two miles over and over again on gross dirt in the 3:00 sun!

Mason: You think we only ran a lap!?

Victoria: Well, didn’t you?

Mason: I guess some of them did, but I worked hard.

Victoria: I guess I can believe that then.

[they smile at each other. They’ve finished their food]

Mason: Well…

Victoria: Well…

Mason: I guess dinner–I mean food– was all we agreed to.

Victoria: right.

Mason: So, I should take you home then…

Victoria: sure.

Mason: Luckily you’re on the way to my house [he gets up and walks away before she has the chance to respond. She smiles trying to hide her laughter]

[they arrive at her house. They’re sitting in the car in silence]

Mason: I had a lot of fun tonight.

Victoria: Me too.

Mason: I guess I’ll see you around then.

Victoria: Do you want my number?

Mason: I wasn’t going to ask cuz I didn’t want to upset you but––yes.

Victoria: Okay, here… [she writes it down on a note and pauses staring at the numbers on the note before handing it to him]

Mason: Thanks.

Victoria: No, thank you. You paid for my dinner and gave me a ride… it’s like we went on a date.

Mason: Yeah…

Victoria: How would you feel if I said we did go on a date?

Mason: How would you feel?

Victoria: I’d be happy.

Mason: Really? Me too.

[they smile at each other and lean in closer staring at each others eyes and lips]

Mason: [whispers] are you sure you want to–

Victoria: [cuts him off] yes.

Mason: okay.

[They kiss and it grows in passion. When they finish, they pull their lips away but keep their faces close. They are breathing heavily.]

Victoria: If only high school me knew I just kissed Mason Conway. 

Mason: If only high school me knew I just kissed Victoria Gotham.

Victoria: I hope Matt isn’t mad that you blew him off tonight.

Mason: I’m sure he will be, but it was well worth it.

[They smile and touch foreheads. After a beat they pull away and Victoria opens the door but pauses. Tears well up in her eyes.]

Mason: What’s the matter?

Victoria: I just realized… Max would want me to move on, but I just feel guilty still.

Mason: I’m sorry… we don’t have to–

Victoria: [cuts him off] no, I feel guilty because I’m so happy… I think he’s happy too… that’s why I feel guilty.

Mason: I see.

Victoria: If we’re going to keep seeing each other I think these feelings might come up more, are you okay with that?

Mason: Of course. I have past that you’ll have to deal with too at some point.

Victoria: [smiles] okay… cool.

Mason: [smiles back] cool.

Victoria: Well, I better get going…

Mason: Okay…

[Victoria stares at Mason, the tension builds again as they stare at each other. Victoria leans in closer and kisses him. He grabs her head and neck and down to her waist, pulling her closer. She holds his jaw and runs her hands around his head slowly. When they pull away, they are breathing heavily again, smiling.]

Victoria: [bites her lip] okay… now I better get going.

Mason: [breathes these words, his hands still around her waist] okay…

Victoria: [kisses Mason quickly] bye

Mason: [kisses Victoria back once more] bye.

[Victoria slides out of the car and turns and smiles at Mason, and slowly shuts the door. He watches her walk up to her house, unlock the door, and walk in. He drives away smiling.]

[alloftimeandspacetosee]

Babysitting Nyx

Jay, unwilling babysitter/godparent to the antichrist. context; she'd organised Lavaridge's Yule celebration for Joanna/Alex, who are Lavaridge's elders but also new parents, and then agreed to babysit Nyx so that Joanna and Alex could have a Proper Night Out because it's been. a while? since they've been able to do that?

Jay, of course, feels bad for like Everything and agrees, even though she's uncomfortable with kids (also the last time she was left alone with Nyx she almost killed her, but there were extenuating circumstances I guess)

She's kinda bad with most people, actually, kids aren't special. Written for my cowriter, I think?

~

 “Thanks for this, Jay.”

 “Don’t mention it.” I shrugged. “You go out and have a good time.”

 “We will.” Joanna grinned and shut the door behind her and Alex.

 “Doubt they’ll remember it,” I murmured, heading back into the sitting room.

 Jayden looked up. “That’s them off, then?”

 I nodded, sitting down on the couch beside him. “Yep. And she’s still asleep?”

 He gestured to the monitor on the table. “At the moment, yes.”

 “Let’s hope she stays that way.” I bit back the next words, knowing I’d have to eat them sooner or later.

 “They aren’t all that bad.”

 “Yeah, well…” I leant my head on his shoulder, getting comfortable. “Makes it easier for us.”

 Jayden stretched his arm around my shoulders, disturbing Sesser so that she cheeped and took off, fluttering away to sit on the windowsill. “Sorry.”

 I smiled and closed my eyes, pushing my boots off. It was nice to get to relax, especially after the festival. Wasn’t really my scene, the whole organising thing, but… well, it kept them happy.

 “So.” Jayden rested his head on top of mine. “Are you just going to lie there until they get back?”

 “Probably.” I nodded. “Why… got a better idea?”

 “Not really.” He laughed softly. “But if we’re supposed to be babysitting Nyx…”

 “I doubt watching her sleep’ll be all that interesting.”

 “True. And if she wakes up?”

 “Then… we’ll deal with that.” I wince. “Somehow.”

 “Not been around kids much?”

 “Yeah, something like that.” I frown. “The last one… might’ve been Catherine’s kid.”

 “Is that Catherine Wilson?”

 “No idea.” I shrug. “You know her?”

 “I know her husband, Nathanael.”

 “That’s them.” I nod. “Small world.”

 He nods as well, absentmindedly rubbing the top of my head with his chin.

 There’s noise from the monitor – coughing, a yawn.

 “We didn’t get very long, did we?” Jayden laughs softly.

 “Until she starts cryin’, I’m not movin’.”

 And she starts making more noise. The little wretch. Then,

 “Elise, c’mon, this window’s heavy. Hey, careful there.”

 The delicate, yipping laugh of Elise.

 “Isn’t she just?” That’s Soise.

 Nyx hiccups, then laughs as Elise yelps.

 “We’d better go up,” I sigh, disentangling myself. “I don’t trust those two with her.”

 “I don’t think Joanna would appreciate it either.” Jayden stands up as well.

 He follows me up the stairs and into Nyx’s room. Soise and Elise are leaning over the cot, playing with Nyx. Well, Soise’s leant over, Elise is perched on the railing, her tail in Nyx’s grasp. I lean against the door, watching them.

 “Ok, c’mere.” Soise scoops Nyx up, making her laugh and release Elise’s tail.

 Elise leaps onto a nearby shelf and grooms her tail out. As I shift, the door creaks and moves back to hit the wall. The two of them whirl round, and Elise flattens her ears and whines.

 “Hi.” Soise grins, hugging Nyx against her chest. “How’re you doing?”

 “What are you two doing?” I raise an eyebrow.

 “Just… checkin’ on the kid.” Soise shrugs. “She is adorable.”

 Nyx laughs and reaches out for Soise’s mane as it tangles over her shoulder.

 “Soise…” I want to tell her to give the child over, but…

 “What, you want a shot?” She holds Nyx out.

 “Well – not really.”

 Jayden steps around me, taking Nyx carefully in his arms, bouncing her slightly. She looks up at him, eyes big and round.

 Elise creeps along the shelf towards me on her belly, whining.

“It’s alright.” I shake my head, watching Jayden. “Just… you two probably shouldn’t be in here.”

 Soise wrinkles her nose. “It’s not like Joanna’s going to find out, is she?”

 “Well… probably not, no.” I concede the point.

 “And we were doing alright, really.”

 “Jay, do you want to hold her?”

 “No, I’m good.” I hold my hands up as a barrier as Jayden turns to me. “As long as she’s fine.”

 Nyx twists and gurgles in delight, reaching out to Soise. Elise sits up and barks, flicking an ear.

 Soise leans over Nyx, flickering small illusions in her claws. “Well, I’m good with pups, apparently.”

 Elise yips with laughter and pads nearer me. Sesser takes off, moving out of reach. Elise watches her flit around the room and then sits down, stretching out on her side. I rub at her belly and she rolls over, tail thumping against the wall.

 “Where did you learn?” Jayden asks, shifting Nyx.

 “Just sort of picked it up.” Soise shrugs. “Jay, come on. It’s not that bad.”

 “Really, you seem to have it covered.”

 “Yeah, and I’m not supposed to be in here, remember?” She grins, slowly beginning to fade out.

 Nyx starts to cry as Soise disappears, and Soise instantly drops the illusion and takes Nyx, sitting down amongst the plushies to soothe her.

 I trade a glance with Jayden as Sesser lands on his head.

 “They do have it covered.” He lifts a hand, coaxing her onto it.

 “Maybe we should leave them to it.”

 “You’re the one that promised to do this.” Soise smirks.

 “Yeah, true… I think it was more keep her out of trouble, though.” I take Elise into my arms and slide down so I’m sitting against the wall.

 “And I’m not trouble at all?” Soise laughs.

 {You can keep out of trouble sometimes} Lairisse appears in a soft flash of light, taking on her human form. {Sorry. I got curious}

Elise twists to look up at her, whining.

 {Do not mention it} Lairisse shakes her head. {Brith is enjoying the respite}

 “Everything’s good, then.” Soise grins. “Can we just stay up here, Blue, please?”

 {Please?}

 I sigh. “Guess so.” I smirk. “Make it a mini slumber party?”

 Soise nods excitedly, scooching over to hold Nyx out to me.

 I hold my hands out of the way. “Do not give her to me. I’ll go get the food and drinks.”

 {I can get that} Lairisse slides past me and skips down the stairs.

 Elise slips out of my lap, sitting up.

 “You’re all terrible people,” I grumble, cautiously taking Nyx.

 “Well, we’re not really people, are we?” Soise corrects my arms.

 “You’re doing fine, Jay.” Jayden sits down next to me. “That’s not so bad, is it?”

 I cautiously shift, getting more comfortable so I can rest Nyx against my legs. It wasn’t so bad, not really… not that I’d be telling them that.

 {We know anyway, NightGale}

 Elise yips, prancing over to sit beside Soise.

 “Know what?” Soise looks up as Lairisse appears again, a tray of food and drink floating before her.

 “Don’t you dare.” I shoot a glance at the latias before concentrating on Nyx again. “Image and all that.”

 {My lips are sealed} Lairisse sets down the tray on the floor between us.

 “And your mind?”

 “No – Lairisse, come on!” Soise whines, illusioning herself a baby zangoose form and looking up through her oversized claws at her. “You can’t do this to me!”

 Jayden watches, smiling. “Used to that?”

 “Still half scared I’m going to drop her.” I shift, holding Nyx out to him. “Please?”

 He laughs and takes Nyx, cradling her against him with an ease that just confuses me. How are people not scared by them? They’re so fragile!

 Lairisse smiles and drops her human form, lying down beside Soise. Soise drops her own illusion and curls up with Lairisse, allowing Elise to slip into her mane.

 I pour out drinks and push one of the plates of biscuits over to the pokémon. “Well, until Joanna and Alex come back, how ‘bout a semi-slumber party?”

 “Aren’t those for kids?” Soise asks, flicking an ear as she shifts, getting comfortable.

 “Who put an age limit on them?”

 “I think you three and Nyx probably lower the age of the room by several years anyway.” Jayden smiles.

 “Just get out before they come back, ok?” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.

 {I will manage that. It will be fine, NightGale}

[sunnyrealist]

Thank you for the tag, @kaidynsarell! 😘

How many works do you have on AO3? Three!

What's your total AO3 word count? 172, 223. WHOA. 😳

What fandoms do you write for? Hogwarts Legacy is my one and only at the moment!

Top five fics by kudos? I only have three, so in first place is The Sun, the Moon, and All Our Stars. After that, We Have Work to Do and "The Mess."

Do you respond to comments? I get ridiculously excited when I receive comments, so I almost always respond. Sometimes I do so too quickly, and then later on, I wish I would have put more time or thought into my replies. I'm trying to get better about that!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? All of my posted fics are WIPs, but they will all have happy endings. That isn't to say there isn't any angst - there's tons of that in my main fic.

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I think my main fic The Sun, the Moon, and All Our Stars will be the happiest because of all the emotional turmoil and mini-conflicts it took to get there along the way.

Do you get hate on fics? Not that I am aware of - people are pretty nice. I do often wonder if my writing kind of sucks, if my story is boring, or if people just don't care for my characters, though, because the hits to Kudos ratio isn't the greatest, and I don't get a ton of comments. (I've been told that I might have better luck on Wattpad, but I've never really used it, and revising/posting everything sounds like a LOT of work.) I go through phases where I totally beat myself up over my writing and ones where I reread my main fic and am like, "Yeah, I love this story!" I think my main fic is paced slower and has different vibes than people might expect. I wanted it to feel like a somewhat realistic meeting (no weird or funny situation - just meeting in a pub), how a first date might play out, a couple doing normal stuff like household chores, people just getting to know each other on a deeper level, etc. There is an overarching conflict, but there are lots of mini conflicts in different arcs, too - I know some readers might not like that there isn't one solid conflict, either. My story is extra sappy and romantic, just like most of my prior relationships were and my marriage is. I understand that might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's definitely mine.

Do you write smut? Absolutely. I love reading sex scenes and often wish there was more in the fanfics I enjoy, so I oftentimes will put the plot aside for a little while or weave plot into some smut. My characters love having sex and are very physically affectionate and expressive. My husband (former English major) is my beta reader and often gets annoyed when there are a lot of smutty chapters in a row, but let's be honest, he's not my actual audience here, so I take that with a grain of salt while listening to all of the rest of his constructive feedback. 🤣

Craziest crossover? Never did a crossover! I have a few ideas, but I doubt I'll ever write them.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Nope, and I doubt that would ever happen.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope, and again, I highly doubt that would happen.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? No, but until I finish my main fic, I don't think I can really even consider the possibility. I'm laser-focused right now.

All time favorite ship? Ooh, that's a tough one. If I'm thinking about all the ships I've had my entire life, then I have to choose a few: 1. Princess Leia and Han Solo, 2. Ben Solo/Kylo Ren and Rey (Reylo), and 3. Ron and Hermione.

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I definitely plan to finish all of my fics, but I'm probably sidelining We Have Work to Do until The Sun, the Moon, and All Our Stars is finished. I have tons of ideas for spin-offs and epilogue mini-stories, but I doubt all of them will be written in the end.

What are your writing strengths? I guess I can say that there's oftentimes purpose, research, and symbolism behind names in my fic. To be honest, I'm terrible at complimenting myself. My husband says I'm good at writing dialogue and romantic situations.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? Personally, I try to stick with my native language. I'm an American, though, writing characters who live "across the pond," and I know that the dialect in the United Kingdom is pretty different. I just do my best with phrasing and spelling. I have used Scottish Gaelic for a specific part of my fic, but I don't know the language. Sadly, I've had to resort to Google Translate. Sebastian is the translator for readers in the story, since he knows so many languages!

First fandom you wrote in? Star Wars! My first fanfic was specifically based on the characters and storyline of the Expanded Universe, which Disney killed off. 😭 I was so sad when that happened - I had been thoroughly invested in those storylines since I was ten years old, and as an adult, I had been so sure that the new Star Wars trilogy would be based on them. I'm thankful for Reylo, at least, though!

Favorite fic you've written? I'm partial to my main fic.

No twentieth question - Like Kaidyn said, I have truly enjoyed being part of the Hogwarts Legacy fandom. I've met some wonderful friends here - crazily enough, I've even hung out with some fandom friends IRL! One of my Discord servers has also delved into other fandoms, like Bridgerton, Fourth Wing, and ACOTAR. It's been so fun to be part of a little book club. 🥰 The HL fandom thankfully brought me back into writing fiction and gaming... and I want to draw more now, too! That might be another revisited hobby someday.

No pressure tags: @leafler, @ladyofsappho, @morelikeravenbore, and any other fanfic writers who are interested! I don't want to double-tag anyone.

20 Qs for fic writers

@slytherizz you're a gem. Thanks for the tag, darling

How many works do you have on AO3? Exactly 1. There may be more eventually, but for now, that's it.

What's your total AO3 word count? 36,549

What fandoms do you write for? Hogwarts Legacy

Top five fics by kudos? Top 5? I have exactly 1 lol. So, here's to my baby: Sanguinis et Omnium Fractorum!

Do you respond to comments? Yes - I get nervous sometimes, though. Like not knowing exactly what to say back. So sometimes it takes me a bit.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I haven't officially published any of my angsty endings. Though, I might have a few others in the works with much more bittersweet endings

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? SOF will eventually get a happy ending so I guess it will be that one whenever it gets finished.

Do you get hate on fics? No - I'd probably crawl into a hole never to return. I only want to be perceived for praise. Thanks.

Do you write smut? Sometimes....I don't share it often, though.

Craziest crossover? The Secret History x Hogwarts Legacy

Have you ever had a fic stolen? No, I'd be very surprised

Have you ever had a fic translated? Not unless you count me translating my own garbled thoughts into something mildly readable

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Ah.. nothing official. Though the Willow girlies all have a history of bouncing ideas off of each other that sort of end up cohesive lore/writing.

All time favorite ship? Willow has my heart (Henry Winter x Sebastian Sallow) It was written in the stars, and you'll never convince me otherwise. Fav crackship

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Oh gosh. There are so many in my head that I've yet to put onto paper. More Wilow ramblings, I've got a Seb Dad/Daughter fic thats been playing around in my head for some time that I keep meaning to write down but never get around to for some reason.

What are your writing strengths? So much angst. lol. I've been told I'm quite descriptive.. So I guess that's a strength.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? My Seb is very much a polyglot. NERD. So I may try to incorporate some other languages into my fic, though I do cringe a bit at using Google Translate. So we'll see how much ends up there

First fandom you wrote in? Hogwarts Legacy was the first I've ever written for. I never even really wrote before this at all other than some random little stories when I was a child

Favorite fic you've written? Oh Gosh. There are some longer HL works I haven't published that I do love looking back on. They're a bit rubbish, but I can see my writing grow through them and that's very cool to see. Otherwise, SOF was the first I ever put into any kind of public space, so it will always be special in some way I think.

No twentieth question - I've met so many delightful/wonderful people through this little fandom and I'm so grateful for all of them. You darlings all know who you are.✨

No pressure tags💕: @diligentcranberry @sunnyrealist @juneymont

@rypnami @quackwizardry

Blaze

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[todayisafridaynight]

How is Mine as a husband? Or do we only see him as a dad?

hold up which one of yall is seein him as a dad ????? 😭