#so when theres any background noise I cannot hear what other people are saying

[yourlegacysnotyourstosee]

UGH I HAAAAAATE BEING GAY LIKE. A MAN WILL SHOW ME ONE (1) ACT OF KINDNESS AND IM LIKE 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 FOR MONTHS AFTER. LIKE PLEEEEEEEASE GET BETTER STANDARDS WTF

[solarsleepless]

what r max's stims? :)

SHSHJSHJSJSJSHJSH

okAY yes i have many thoughts abt adhd max i am vibrating rn

okay so first of all theres the average well known "flappy hands"

but she really likes it when she has sweaters with longer sleeves because then she can just flap them around

leg bounce leg bounce leg bounce

cracking her knuckles. she does this SO often its unreal

she doesnt have many vocal stims but she goes "ba ba ba" or just humming and singing sometimes

also running her hand on the bottom of her skateboard, and/or rolling the wheels

just being on her skateboard and swaying is a huge stim

chewing her shirt lmao

im also gonna say that she also stims by pressing on buttons and other stuff in the arcade. its just Nice To Do

also stims by kicking off of the ground on her skateboard. very nice

well this is gonna turn into adhd max rant get ready

she had adhd combined (like yours truly) and finds it hard to concentrate in class

she totally hyperfixated on video games at some point

and comics probably

and skateboarding too

she is a VERY picky eater. like she could barely eat stuff in california, so when she moves to hawkins it only gets worse

sensory issues my abhorreeed

can't stand too-loud noises (b!lly of course knows this and turns up music in his car so that he can't even hear himself)

that being said she cant STAND the silence and always needs background noise (she and el bond over liking white noise from tv)

SHE LOVES TANGLERS SO MUCH

goes nonverbal sometimes because of the fear that if she says anything itll just make things worse. the party + steve is very concerned at first, then learn to live with it

WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE

she has so many weighted blankets. she couldnt actually use them much because it was too hot in cali but then in hawkins she used them all the time

SPINNY CHAIR SPINNY CHAIR

undiagnosed

loves fluffy jumpers. she never really used or felt them earlier because of the hotness of california but when she was cold and lucas lent her his fluffy jumper...

well let's just say he didn't get it back

rubbing her hand over lucas's knuckles :)

i know i've already said singing stim but just imagine her singing 'material girl' or 'old time rock and roll'

echolalia! only sometimes tho

like erica will go "hey max me and lukie are gonna make a cake wanna help?" "cake?" "cake" "cake!" "cake!" "cake"

also the sinclair family is so accepting. they're confused but they just accept max and thats okay

once the party started looking up what adhd was, max brought it up once and immediately they all went 'that's only for little boys'

(which is bullshit obvs)

remember that sleepover scene where max is dancing? yeah that but its a stim

the party + the teens have a running joke of max being moth because she stares at lights so much. visual stim

she scratches as a(n unhealthy) stim but it gets worse after billy's death

hates it when people shout, usually goes nonverbal if it's directed at her

jumps when she's happy!!

you know how she just wears basic and unlayered clothes? yeah she chooses them on purpose because tight stuff feels Bad

she hates labels with her entire being

she seems like the kind of gal to bite her nails

also adopted dustin's "grrr" as a stim

"hey max- grrr" "...what was that?" "...grrr" "could you teach me how to do that" ".. o k a y ?"

will and max (i hc will as autistic) both have lil stimming sessions! they just notice the other stimming and join in, just leaving them laughing at the end!

lucas is super understanding of her stims

he learnt to recognize when she's understimulated and gives her fidget toys!! and if he doesnt have any then he'll just straight up grab her hand and start rubbing his fingers against the knuckles

i'd like to say:

*SLAPS ROOF OF MAX MAYFIELD* THIS BITCH CAN HOLD SO MUCH RSD

she wasnt doing so good in the first place

thinking stuff like

"maybe if i wasnt born then my parents wouldn't have divorced"

and stuff like that

(billy intentionally makes it worse because of course he does)

but then it gets so. much. worse.

you know mike said "because you're annoying" in s2?

YOU CAN BET THAT TRIGGERED HER RSD SO HARD

and also when el just walked past her in s2? yeah well

that didn't go off well with her rsd either

lucas has to reassure her that she's not a mistake, she's not annoying, he doesn't secretly hate her, etc etc

he doesnt think he'll ever forgive mike for triggering her rsd so badly

this has so many hurt/comfort possibilities in fic holy fuck-

lucas immediately shuts down her deprecating comments

like IMMEDIATELY

he wont stand for that shit

he is glaring so badly at anyone who triggers max's rsd

unless it's someone they love (like erica) who doesn't actually know what they did wrong and want to make up for it

once erica activated her rsd by accident

just with a lil lighthearted comment

"ugh i hope you arent as annoying as lukey's little friends on the walkie talkie"

once erica finds out abt what she did she feels SO bad. babey

she does everything she can to make up for it

apologizes properly when they're both brushing the barbie's hair

she finds out max stims by brushing barbie's hair when max has to look after once

so when she can see max is understimulated she'll just toss a barbie and a hairbrush her way

also likes max's echolalia (can you hear that? its the sound of max's euphoria boosting)

erica learns to lower her voice around max

max can't watch anything without subtitles btw

she just cannot

she'll watch it and cause she's smart she'll figure out what's going on

but often has to turn to lucas and go "whats going on???"

she loves the feeling of snow thru her gloves

maybe its the cold but still. very Nice

uhh i have more but i cant be bothered also this is too long already

[we-always-hit-our-ass]

Okay, but I need some Joe Toye headcanons like I need air. Help a girl out

Taglist: @floydtab, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes

I just want to say that i love toye more than i love myself. This boy deserves everything and i mean it!

Btw thanks @adamantiumdragonfly for requesting these lovely hcs, i had a lot of fun writing this! 💕💕

General/Fluffy HCs for Joe Toye

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so you see right here, this man is a professional lover and sweetheart extraordinaire 

you two actually met when running currahee

joe stumbled along the way and you gripped his arm to prevent him from falling

thought it was one of the boys like like luz or guarnere or just practically anybody

boy WAS HE WRONG

he was instantly like !!!!! but it soon turned into 💕💕💕

immediately thinks he died during training and went into heaven

looks like he is having the time of his life, he is by the way

you ask him if he’s ok as youre running along side him

joe nods his head slowly like the cute dope that he is

either of you could have fallen behind or could have run faster but nope!

you two keep the same pace as each other so y’all arent seperated and lose sight of each other

after that, you and joe are close as fuc-

when i mean close i MEANT CLOSE

theres endless laughter and happiness

snarky and sassy remarks from both parties

and you two doing whatever- 

literally toye is one of the people that you can never get mad at-

its impossible for him to make you mad i swear, he’s just too sweet and caring and this man can never do any wrong-

sooooo u and joe might or might not have huge crushes on each other

i'm just saying, but u two totally do-

if you were to walk into a room that joe was in, his eyes immediately go to you, because why not?

like seriously, joe would literally try to freeze the sun for you

but whenever you thank him he’s all like “that’s what best friends are for”-

the easy boys are so done believe me so they just watch in the background while commenting how stupidly cute u both are-

joe enjoys being sweet to you but he’ll never say it

you point it out sometimes while smiling and joe just erupts into flames

joe would never admit it, and this is a very well kept secret of his, only person who knows abt it is HIM and him alone

so basically during eindhoven, joe purposely yeeted his face away when a girl tried to kiss him and no one knew why-

after the day you met him, he made sure that lips were only reserved for u

everyone thought it was weird how he would launch himself away from the girls but you found it cute

you teased him a lot after that day and joe would act like he’s offended but in reality he's so goddamn head over heels for you-

joe legit doesn't know what to do around you, you're just so amazing

you and toye could either be the kids or the parents in the group, its an amazing vibe-

okok but the way he confessed to you was soo MMMM-

joe woke you up in the middle of the night to see the stars

after a few words of persuasion, you went outside with him and with your hand in his as he led the way

y’all sit down and when you gaze up at the sky, holy SHIT it was very beautiful-

toye loved your reaction and the smile you gave him after was worth way more than any fucking treasure-

joe was surprised when he didn’t stutter when he told u how much he loved you-

like if you were sleepy- not anymore! 

you immediately woke up and just stared at him for a good couple of minutes

but damn you told him how much loved him too- but like seriously picture this

midnight, stars, love confessions, and tender and passionate kisses with joe fucking toye-

it wasnt what you were expecting but excuse it was so fucking good-

btw this boy’s spunky attitude will bring you to tears-

like hes overly sarcastic and you would just burst up laughing because its so fucking funny-

one of the things you also love about joe is that he’s a sassy boy who’s actually very sweet once you get to know him

this is one the many things that made you fall from him-

when joey gets tipsy he will lean on you for support and will deny that he’s drunk

toye will also drunkenly say how much he loves you and that youre the best person ever-

toye will end up falling asleep after you run your hands through his dark hair while he’s cuddled up against you-

you fall asleep not so long afterwards

YO- joey boy cherishes everything you give him and he just really appreciate the little things that you do

like if you hold a door open for him or even just pick out stuff that got stuck in his hair i'm pretty sure he’ll think about for days on end

hes also genuinely enjoys it when you talk to him about things you are very passionate about

like toye will literally just come up with the stupidest conversations just so he can hear talk and you can say the same for him

his voice is so fucking perfect and its always immediately recognizable 😩👌

toye will iNDEED bring you small gifts that he thinks you might like-

joey is very VERY protective of you

like if he sees a person making you feel discomfort in anyway he will yeet the poor bastard

he doesn't go completely overboard, most of the time, he just really wants you to be safe

you two still having your weekend passes are VERY rare since sobel likes being a lil bitch

wo when you two actually have it, joe makes sure to make it count

he takes you to the bar sometimes while other times he takes you into town to ditch the noise and his hella drunk friends

um so he takes you around the stores and shops and you two will impulsively buy the randomest shit

the easy boys immediately stop trusting u both with money

yeah the items you two buy are cute but they have no literal use

during one of these trips joe buys you a really gorgeous necklace and you just ascended-

im not kidding

you never took off the necklace off your neck after that day

toye also gives you small gifts and lemme tell this boy even gives you a small camera

both you and toye take pictures of each other with it and the both of you always make sure to keep photos of one another

joe is also one of those boyfriends who has a surprise for you each and every single day-

either he’d take you swimming, riding bikes, eating at a diner, or watching a simple movie together

no matter how simple the activity, joe will find a way to make it the best experience you will ever have-

when watching a movie, joe would put snarky remarks in between the scenes and the experience is just alleviated-

when you two wake up next to each other in the morning, its the most peaceful little thing that has ever existed

sometimes you would wake up earlier and joe would still be asleep with his arms around you

toye will unknowingly pull you closer to him and wont let you go for a very long time-

did i mention toye’s devilishly cute morning voice??? 

his little good morning cuddles are pure and utter fluff and you will never get tired of it!

toye will surprise you with random hugs from behind every single day-

it soon became one of the things that you couldn’t live without

like he so tender, yet firm? and the hug is so fucking comforting what???

toye will hug you anytime and anywhere

his hugs bring you the most source of joy and they just make you so happy

if youre tired when he hugs you, you are immediately energized from the complete act alone

if youre sad, joe’s hugs will comfort you and you’ll just smile into his chest and his arms are wrapped around your waist

when youre angry, you just cool down in his touch- 

his hugs give you life and just repel off any negative emotions

if you were to be honest, toye and his hugs are probably your most favorite things in the whole entire world-

toye is just an overall very caring and hella GOOD boyfriend 

it has come to the point where both of you cannot exist without the other-

you love him with all of your heart and he loves you with all of his 😩💕

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im sorry for any mistakes that i made and i hope that everything is alright. btw im sorry for me taking so long to write this, i tried my best to finish it! 

but i love toye and he’s complete and utter perfection, thank you very much-

thank you for reading this and supporting me you guys are everything! 😩😊💕💕💕

[colourful-void]

Hoshiai no Sora Fan Movie Breakdown/Theory/I don’t know

Yeah I went mad so imma do theories now I guess. rip homework and fic.

spoilers for the fan movie, which is like 3 minutes and on youtube so just head over there, theres a link up here somewhere.

So first off, where’d the student council go?

Prez dances alone despite usually having some people watching and clapping behind her. They’re just gone!

Most of the first half is reused footage, so theres not much Ill break down, at least for now.

Once the outro is done, we cut to the final moments of Hoshiai Episode 12, as if we haven't had that scene burned into our brains.

Once that ends, we cut to this little card:

Which I think means two years later (according to this post which is honestly a way better post than mine, go read it.)

and then this card which according to google translate says ‘living that time’ I dont think thats right.

Let’s note we’ve returned to black on white background, and not the coloured on black of the title card at the end.

One of the best OST’s in the show plays (imo) and we get a little montage.

Rintarou and Taiyou go to the same school, good for them! They’re trying to get members for a soft tennis team (probably) but everyone around them is uninterested. They have more colour then anyone else in the shot, and are given more detail. part of that is because no one does background characters, but I think theres some symbolism there with them having their own little world of soft tennis, especially since Rintarou and Taiyou are known as the more energetic and friendly (or colourful!) members of the team. There’s also a baseball team walking in the background which I find interesting.

Tsubasa is angry and still playing tennis. If we follow his line of sight we find he’s glaring at (or at least guiding us to) the people in the back longing around and not playing. I can think of two reasons why he’s upset. One: because of everything that happened season one, he takes the game seriously and dislikes people slaking off. or two because it reminds him of his old team. I think one is more likely than two though. yet again anyone who isnt a main character isnt coloured in.

Shingou????? Is now at a strict school I guess?? The thing that stands out here isnt really him being at this school, (his parents could totally send him off) but he looks happy. Proud even. Not only is that contrary to the Shingou we know, but look around him. The background characters dont have eyes but they sure do have frowns. they’re also really gray, unlike Shingou.

iTSUKI GOT TALLER?? Lets note some things! The background characters have gone from being tinted a bit grey to entirely monochrome. The other characters have backpacks like Itsuki (idk the name but they hold tennis rackets) by beyond that, Itsuki doesn’t fit into the scene at all. Beyond just the colour, he’s not looking at the other boys, and it doesn't seem much like the other boys are looking at him. you could crop him out of the scene and the boys would look perfectly normal. The boys are also all wearing ties where Itsuki has a hoodie, giving him another way to stand out.

Now where everyone else had a still that zoomed in, we turn to my son, Nao.

He gets 5 shots, two of which are animated.

Note that when we see Nao’s hand all bandaged, the music takes a bit of a dip, making a static noise a bit like what we hear in some Nao scenes, or like a ghost.

So: Nao doesn’t play tennis anymore, clearly he either misses it or something, but in whatever case he thinks about it, and watches the others play. More than just play, he watches them celebrate.

Now look at the other boys who approach Nao. We get a bad vibe on instinct. I could be wrong, but it looks like the boy on the far right is the same boy who watched as another bully talked to Itsuki and then got bashed for it. Mainly just due to hair and him wearing a mask around his chin, which we haven't seen a single other character do. Actually, I dont think we’ve ever seen a Hoshiai character wear a mask, so it stands out.

Now, Nao’s knuckles are bandaged, which suggests he punched someone or something. I cannot picture him doing this. WE can see the bandages aren’t even, so he probably placed them himself, who whoever did it, did with little care.

Nao says: something. I can’t read lips or speak Japanese, but im not sure what Nao says is even readable. It has no audio, but the spooky noises continue. Music is now gone.

Cut to black.

Bird noises! Maki is watching their old sitting spot from afar, suggesting reminiscence.

Maki says something! I don’t know what, According to the other post, translated here on twitter, he says:

"Let's leave it be. He probably just doesn't want to see me again"

So that’s likely refering to Touma, or possibly his father but I doubt that highly.

Note: Everyone keeps their distance from Maki, Arashi still has his tennis bag, Mitsue has a very nice uniform and Yuu has a new bag I think, which is pink. Very cute. 

Yuu is the only one we don’t see in any uniform (itsuki didnt have the tie but he had a jacket) so we don't know what school they go to, of what uniform they wear. Yuu and Mitsue stand close together, so we ca assume that friendship lives on.

I won't do shots of all of Touma’s dialogue but here's some:

And of course the most important shot,

Now: Touma is saying in this scene, thanks again to twitter, translator’s tweet is here go leave a like,

"It's pointless. He has no game sense. Why does he make the same mistakes? There's no point in continuing like this. Whatever. I'll find someone else"

So like the beginning, Touma is fed up with fellow soft tennis players.

Maki and Touma meet on a street corner and Touma frowns. Maki remains neutral.

long shot as they stare at each other and a train goes by.

credits roll.

So time for my final thoughts and theories and things I want to mention.

Maki hurt Touma with the knife. I know, its bad I dont wanna think it, but like,,, Occam’s Razor.

Whatever happened with maki’s dad, he didn’t get kicked out of school, he didn’t die, and he doesn't gotten any life long injuries

No one’s parents are ANYWHERE IN THE ENTIRE PV. for a show so dedicated on these kids relationships with their parents, that is striking. We don’t even see family members.

No teachers are seen either.

Aside from the beginning we don’t see student prez at all.

Why does Nao get extra screen time? like do not get me wrong I love him but everyone else only got one shot.

Background characters are near always painted in greys wand without eyes, except for whoever Touma was yelling at and the others in that scene. they still don't have eyes though, which is probably just because they’re background characters.

Most characters are alone, except for Rintarou and Taiyou, and the gang during Maki’s line.

Things aren’t looking good.

SO those are my thoughts/theories, hope you liked them, I'm gonna go cry over my son becoming a delinquent, good night!

[cadykeus-clay]

10, 29 + 30 💕

thank you so much for sending one in!!! 29. What’s the most devastating PC death/defeat? oh boy .......... i’m gonna have to go with scanlan’s second death to raishan, both because of the effects that it had literally lasting to the end of the campaign, but also just for the emotional TOLL of everything that happened in the direct aftermath.  “Fix Him”, Percy getting to come back but Pike failing Scanlan’s check, Keyleth going just BONKERS trying to find Kima and Allura in the ocean because she refused to lose another, “I think I miss a whole lot of people”

it wasn’t the death that made me cry the most, but I think it’s the one that brought the least sense of ... a satisfying ending, i guess. 

30. What’s your favorite CR romantic/sexual relationship?

I’m horrible at picking favorites, so you’re not getting just one sorry .... CR2 - fjorclay i think edges out on top bc i cannot pick one favorite jester ship without feeling guilt over not picking another, because simply everyone in is love with her CR1 - if i’m not allowed to just say polymachina, then percahlia. i genuinely love pretty much any ship involving any of the half elves, but percahlia holds a special place in my heart bc they got their happy ending dammit and you just LOVE to see it

NPCS - KIMALLURA KIMALLURA KIMALLURA KIMALLURA KIMALLURA KIMALLURA KIMALLURA KIMALLURA 10. Have you ever spotted a fellow critter in the wild?  Saved this one for last because oh boy is it a doozy. So, imagine yourself in a college dorm room, and it’s like 11:48pm, all your roommates are either in their beds or officially out for the night, and you’re just chilling doing some homework with youtube in the background (I’ll be real, 95% chance it was critical role, they’re very good for me to have as “noise I know I’ll enjoy but isn’t super distracting” when doing schoolwork).  And then someone starts banging supremely hard on your suite door, and that really weirds you out, bc the RA doesn’t do random checks, no one’s expecting any visitors, and whoever’s at the door isn’t also yelling “HEY IM LOCKED OUT LEMME IN PLEASE”.  You ignore it for a bit, but it doesn’t go away, and they’re knocking like, really loud, so you go to answer the door, and you say “who is it” and you get back “CAMPUS POLICE OPEN UP!”  So you ask what’s wrong and they tell you, “we got an alert that one of the rooms almost set off a smoke detector, so we have to check and see what the problem is”. (first of all ???? hello????? why do they monitor that, and also why is it campus police’s job, whatever). And you ask what room, and they give you the room number, and its your friend who was deffo hotboxing their space like 30 minutes ago and might still be smoking right now, so you tell the police “I think they’re asleep, I’ll go wake them up for you” and they say “sure” and wait outside the door for you to go wake your friend up.

So you run to their door and knock and say “Hey Are You Awake And Dressed Campus Police Need To Check A Smoke Alarm In There hideyourweedherei’llhelpyouholdstuff” and you toss the bag of weed through another friend’s open door and the suitemate follows you out like a minute later in a bathrobe, pretending to be groggy but really just blazed out of their mind, and says “Oh sorry I fell asleep with a candle on, must’ve been the smoke, there’s nothing wrong though”

And the police say “we still have to check, it’s policy” and one of them goes back to the room and the other is just standing in the living room with you.  And then. 

He points at the giant critical role poster on your living room wall and the matching critical role poster visible through your friends open doorway and says “you know, it really warms my heart seeing all the critical role stuff you guys have up, i’m a huge fan myself.”

And so you go “.............................. COOL” And the cop says “Who’s your favorite character?”

And you, still filled with panic that your friends about to get caught with weed, and tiredness from being up fairly late still doing homework, go, hey, you know, maybe if I soften this guy up he won’t murder my friend if they find weed, and you tell him “Oh, you know, it’s super hard to pick, but I’m partial to vox machina, cause I just finished campaign one last night” (This is a true statement).

And the cop goes “Oh gosh, yeah, I feel you, I watched that live, and I thought I was gonna make it through without crying, but Matt’s message at the very end really got me.”

And you go, “yeah, haha, it was really sad” And the cop goes “Yeah, I don’t know, something about hearing him talk about how much he loves the community just had me bawling.” And the other cop comes back out of the room and says they’re fine to go, and they leave, and the first cop waves a really friendly goodbye to you, and you feel like your eyes are going to fall out a little bit but at least this interaction is over.

And you turn around. And you realize, this entire time, you have been standing just below the image of sexy shirtless caleb from the critical role pinup calendar with a giant post it next to it that says THIS MAN INVENTED DUNEMANCY AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. And you go back to your room and you keep doing your math homework because that’s literally the only thing your brain can handle anymore. And that, friends, is the story of the Crit Role Candle Cop. 

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[itsbetterthananal]

a bunch of you said you would be interested in hearing about some of the things i do to take notes and study in college so i thought i’d put together a little something. i cant emphasize enough how these are just things that work for me and aren’t guaranteed to help you and im not saying these are necessarily better ways to study because i know some of you wont find these helpful to your situation but this is just my way

Note-Taking

1. Buy a 5 subject notebook. 3 subject and single subject also work but I prefer a 5 subject because then I can just have one (or 2) notebooks that I throw in my backpack every day. That way, im much less likely to forget my notebook like I would if im having to switch out notebooks every day, and I wont have disjointed notes

2. Have proper supplies for taking notes. For me, these means a pencil, a notebook, and an array of different colored highlighters. For others, pens or other utensils may help, but I find them extra. For each class i only bring a single pencil and a single highlighter (different color for each class)

3. Determine if your professor is a powerpoint kinda person (those who put most of the information in words on the slides) or a lecture kinda person (those who put few words on a slide or have no powerpoint at all). In my experience most professors will put a lot of information on the slides, but some dont. 

if they do put most words on a slide, write it down in full if you can. I know they say you shouldnt write everything on a slide but if its new information it will make more sense to you written in a full sentence when you read it back while studying.  If you arent given enough time to write it all down, skim for bullet points, or if you have the opportunity to go back on the slides later, make a note to come back to that section and copy it down. If you’re in a slump that day in class and have access to the powerpoint at home, listen and go back later to copy down the information you missed.

(example of writing things down in full or nearly full sentences, usually verbatim from slide)

If they dont put words on a slide, you have to do a bit more work. If the professor just puts up the headers of what theyre gonna talk about, just write down the first one before continuing. that way, you have room to put down the information under the first header. To understand when the professor is moving on to a new subject, listen out for indicating words, such as next, however, etc. start a new header. Leave an extra line or two around this section of information, as professors without information written out will often forget certain points and come back to it when they remember. If you miss any information, simply move on. Dont miss information because you’re trying to copy someone elses notes immediately.

4. Spaces and indents. Im pretty inconsistent with my spacing and indentation within my notes, but there are some rules that i follow to keep organization. When a subject changes, or I think a subject is changing as the professor goes along, skip a line and start a new section. This is usually indicated easily on a slide, but if listening listen for a new definition having nothing to do with the past information. Having chunks within the notes allows your brain to separate the information and begin chunking it, which means you will start to associate the information to do with that one subject. If you accidentally create a new chunk when the subject is the same, just indicate in the margin that it is a continuation of the subject, or a subsection. That way when you come back to it you can go aha, yes, this is actually all just one big thing of information.

Indentation is another thing im inconsistent with stylistically, but important. Always always always indent if the information is a subsection of what you are talking about, or describing the thing above it. Even if you have to indent 4 times within one chunk. this indicates to your eyes that there is information within the subject that needs to be remembered, and again your brain can begin chunking it. theres no specific type of mark i make for indentation, i consistently switch between dashes and bullet points, making sure not to use one under the other to confuse myself.

(ex. of indentation and chunking. i switch between dashes and bullet points to indicate information within information)

5. Highlighting. important to understand how, when, and where. Highlighters are my biggest helpful tool when it comes to studying. Firstly, i get a different colored highlighter for each subject, so that I dont have to get confused when going back to study on where i need to go. Then, as the lecture goes on, I highlight all the opening headers or information that I think will be of importance/what most of the examples are about. This is easy when professors have words bolded in their powerpoints, but sometimes you have to be more active in listening if the professor doesnt use a powerpoint. you can always go back to highlight stuff, so dont go overboard. If you are unsure on whether something or not should be highlighted, wait and highlight whats important later once the professor has gone over the information. The reason i do this is so when im going back to study, my eye will immediately be drawn to information that I need to know and understand, rather than being overwhelmed by a whole page of text or cluttered examples with no indicators. Dont worry too much about going overboard with the highlighter at this point, sometimes you feel like long sentences are meant to be important and can highlight the whole thing. This will be fixed when you come back around to study. Please note that other tools such as colored pens or underlining can be used for this but highlighters work better for me, underlining makes more clutter.

(ex. of using highlighter to draw the eye to things of importance. This was important in my statistics class because theres a lot of cluttered numbers and examples in my statistics notes that ended up not being important but just classwork)

6. You gotta pay attention. even if that means you gotta take breaks. sometimes in class you’re burnt out and cant fathom even writing stuff down. just listening will never do you any harm. sometimes I have to check social media for a few minutes before tuning back into the lecture just to give my brain a second to breathe. videos are a good time to do this. try your best to find a way to concentrate for the most amount of time. that doesnt mean you have to concentrate the entire time. many times in class i have stopped taking notes and just listened while playing games on my phone, because sometimes thats what you need. but try your best not to unfocus from whats being talked about. Better to have 80% of the information received by your brain and let 20% not make its way through than to half ass it and only have some of the information stored. 

Studying

1. Find your prime studying environment. This could be in silence (the library), with some background noise, with tons of noise, with music, outside, or any other kind of environment. Where you study and under what conditions make a difference in how well you proceed. For me, my prime study environment is either in silence or with some background noise, but i absolutely cannot focus if people are extremely loud or there is music playing. I often will sit at the desk in my room with an old lets play playing in the background, similar to leaving the tv on something you dont really care for. This keeps my brain from getting completely bored and burnt out, which can happen when im studying in silence. Pick a place where you know someone wont come up to distract you. we all know our brains will do anything to get out of studying

2. Have another smaller notebook/section dedicated to studying. A lot of my studying involves rewriting information. you will need some sheets of paper, and having a notebook or a section of a notebook will help you not forget your stuff when you go out to study. I usually will just use a single notebook or a section of a notebook that was not filled up from the previous semester.

3. Condensing. a.k.a the actual studying part. Condensing involves taking the information you wrote down in your notes and condensing it down into much smaller chunks. By doing this, you are forcing your brain to a) reread over the information, b) determine what from that information is important and connected to your chunk, and c) rewrite the information in a way that is better understood by you. This starts by rereading the first chunk of information and writing down the subject and key words/phrases from the sentences you wrote. Basically instead of writing “when first observing a crime scene, the first responder must be attentive to all details of the home inside and out. they must also be careful to not to contaminate any possible evidence that may be there” you write “observe scene - attentive, dont contam”. Its the same information, just condensed, and since you already read the full sentence to get the words, the condensed bullet point makes sense to you. This is where you take those highlighted parts of your notes and break them down to their basic information. Also, if an area of text isnt highlighted, more than likely the information in there is extra and wont necessarily be in the test. Better to concentrate on what you /know/ will be important because the professor bolded it on the presentation, and leave those areas unless you know you are certain you know the skeleton of the subject. 

(an ex. of condensing information. this put about 5 pages of notes into one page. highlighter while studying is optional because it can get messy and cluttered, but i continue to highlight each term/section i need to know just to reemphasize it in my brain)

this can get messy if you’re not careful. Keep the indentation from your original notes. arrows are a great way to show a progression of steps or information in a short manner. If you dont understand something or are missing a bit of information, put a question mark next to it in your study guide to indicate you either need to go back to your notes or ask a professor/google what tf is going on there.

This is a lot of work. it is time consuming. you have to rewrite a lot of stuff. sometimes you may not be able to condense all your notes before an exam. Sometimes you may only get through a few pages before quitting. thats okay. even doing this for some of the info you learned can help you learn it a little better. when rereading the information it can go in one ear and out the other but rewriting the information forces you to focus on it. 

4. Diagrams. usually best in science related classes for me, and often provided in a powerpoint slide. I use diagrams and drawings frequently in my biology notes to make sense of something. For instance, when I was in my cell biology class, I drew out the processes of the citric acid cycle rather than just writing the progression in bullet points, because it helped me understand what was going on with all the chemicals and such. Drawings of processes can help you envision the process which can help recall when it comes to tests

(ex. of a diagram that was provided in my human factors psychology class. placing information like this can help those who are picture oriented when it comes to learning)

5. Allow yourself breaks. after youve been going for a while your brain can whine and go no more!!! so go get some food. or take a shower. or watch a yt video. or check your social media. your mental health should not be ignored. plan certain times to study in the future and stick with them. after 15 minutes come back and see if you can still focus. sometimes a quick break is all you need. offer yourself an award if you get through a certain amount. after finishing studying for my midterms i would always go and buy myself a starbucks frappucino. 

thats about it really. I hope some of these tips can help some people. for me condensing and rewriting has gotten me all A’s for the past 3 semesters. your brain loves some solid chunks of information. feel free to reblog for reference if youd like! and let me know if you want me to make more education related posts