#so when that didn't work you decided to be an edgy tomboy
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Oh fuck guys lmfao
When I liked Aphmau the first time I was a little girl sitting in their bedroom. Like a GIRL. I mean not really, not on the inside, I felt very much as if I had been squished into the wrong shape but I never had the words to say it and it presented as intense self esteem problems, but like, long hair and #feminism (not actual feminism the real genuine feminism came later when my brain developed past boy bad girl good) and pink and the whole nine.
And now it's eight, nine years later. I'm sitting in the same bedroom, rearranged now, home from college. I'm tugging on my goatee as I read my notes on the first 30 episodes, taking a look at what I've gathered so far. A joint sits, smoking, in an old, cleaned-out candle dish on my nightstand, next to my t gel and the skincare supplies I keep on hand nowadays. I'm like... a real person. A happy person.
But both me and that little "girl" are watching the same videos. Hearing the same story, laughing the same way. My voice is lower that hers', but we still laugh the same way. We still like some of the same music. I wish I could go back in time to argue with her about Garroth.
#jeremiahs mcd notes#mcd#i have big feelings abt me and my child self as a function of my neurodivergence my trauma and my gender#like man idr you and also i dont even share a name with you and also i feel like i never grew up but we are different people you and i#you wore femininity like a costume for your parents and your classmates#hoping it would make you finally fit in if you just acted enough like a girl#but it wasn't that you weren't “girl” enough it was the autism#they didn't know how to talk to you regardless#so when that didn't work you decided to be an edgy tomboy#and you wondered why you were so damn miserable all the time#and people slowly figured out how to talk to you#and you slowly figured out how to talk to them#and you had friends now but something was still wrong#and when all that horrible shit went down#and i grew up too fast#i realized in the process that I needed to stop pretending to be a girl#and i came out the other side with a new name and a new identity#i'm me now but it made it so that my child self feels like she's not me at all#so strange#it feels like my memories are somebody elses'#they're mine and i know that#but like#all that shit happened to somebody else#i started being me about 6 years ago and the rest of that was played by a different actor
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