#so when cas says 'i cared about the whole world because of you' thats NOT to say he was uncaring before 4x22

[beansandsprouts]

Au of dean reciprocating cas' confession

This is not an au this is actually what happened you guys are just misremembering obviously.

Reciprocation

Dean Winchester x Castiel

Summary: What actually happened when Cas confessed his love to Dean

Warnings: I mean it's the confession scene so it's a little angsty

"And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me."

Dean and Cas exchange a look, the situation seemed hopeless.

"I'm sorry." There was a pain in Dean's voice, regret.

"Wait, there is...there's one thing she's afraid of. There's one thing strong enough to stop her. When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him."

"You what?"

"The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, The Empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever." Cas explained.

"Why are you telling me this now?"

Cas could hear the suspicion and rising anxiety in Dean's voice. Cas started to tear up.

"I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be? What my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I want...It's something I know I can't have. But I think I know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it."

"What are you talking about man?" Dean felt his stomach drop. He felt like he knew what Cas was saying but he hoped he didnt. He didn't want it to end like this.

"I know. I know how you see yourself Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're 'daddy's blunt instrument.' And you think that hate and anger thats...that's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know."

Cas smiles, and though tears are beginning to stream down his cheeks, it's full of love and joy and relief. Relief that he's finally getting to express the feelings that he'd kept hidden for so long.

"You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you." Cas laughs, the tears are still falling.

"You changed me Dean."

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Dean asks quietly. Inside he's praying. Praying that it's not a goodbye. That it's not the end.

"Because it is."

Dean takes a breath, wanting to say something, wanting to beg Cas to stay.

"I love you." And Cas smiles at him. Smiles brighter than he ever has, a weight lifted off his shoulders.

"Don't do this Cas."

Dean hears a wet sound behind him and turns to see the black goo of the empty squeezing in through the walls. He turns back tearfully.

"Cas..."

Cas puts his hand on Dean's shoulder.

"Goodbye Dean."

"What?"

And Cas shoves him aside, allowing the empty to come forward, to take him.

"Cas!" Dean calls out, pleading.

Cas looks at him and smiles.

"I love you too." Dean screams, pain evident in his voice.

He sees Cas' eyes widen before he's swallowed by the empty, taking Billie right along with him.

He'd finally gotten what he'd wanted. He'd finally gotten the thing that would make up for everything, the pain and the struggles and the loss he's experienced his entire life. He'd gotten the love of the angel, the love that would make him feel whole again. And it was ripped from him. Stolen, before he could even have a second to enjoy it.

He sits back against the bunker wall, processing what had just happened. He feels his phone buzz, a call from Sam, and he presses ignore. Dean drops his face into his hands, shoulders shaking with sobs. He'd lost what he'd always wanted.

It's only a few weeks later when Dean dies in that barn, hand clutching Sam's.

He opens his eyes to a country road. He grins.

"At least I made it to heaven."

"Yep."

Dean whips his head to where the voice came from, seeing Bobby sitting in a chair on the wooden porch of Harvelle's Roadhouse.

"What memory is this?"

"It ain't ya idjit."

"Yeah it is. Cause the last I heard you...you were in heavens lockup."

"Was. Now I'm not."

Bobby pauses before continuing.

"That kid of yours, before he went...wherever, made some changes here. Busted my ass out. And then he..."

Dean sits down on the chair next to Bobby.

"Well, he set some things right. Tore down all the walls up here. Heaven ain't just reliving your golden oldies anymore. It's what it always should have been. Everyone happy. Everyone together. Rufus lives about 5 miles that way... With Aretha," Bobby gestures up the road, "Thought she'd have better taste. And your mom and dad... they got a place over yonder." He gestures in another direction, "It ain't just Heaven, Dean. It's the Heaven you deserve. And we've been waiting for you."

Bobby takes out a beer for Dean and himself while Dean smiles proudly.

"So Jack did all that?"

"Well...Cas helped. It's a big new world out there. You'll see."

"Cas? He's around?"

Bobby grins, "Yeah he's around. He's been waitin for you too."

"Where?" Dean's voice is filled with nervous anticipation.

Bobby gestures to the door, "Inside. Go see your angel."

Dean sets his beer on the table and gets up from his chair, standing in front of the bar door for a moment before pushing it open.

It takes his eyes a moment to adjust to the light difference of the bar, but when he does he spots that familiar trenchcoat and messy head of hair sitting at the bar.

His breath catches in his throat.

"Cas?"

Castiels head turns toward Dean, and he smiles, swiveling around on the bar stool and standing up.

"Hey Dean."

Dean stands there for a moment, taking him in, before rushing forward and wrapping one arm around the angels waist and using his other hand to cup his cheek before pulling Cas into a kiss.

He pulls back, staring into Castiels eyes. Tears were forming in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks.

"I've wanted to do that for so long."

Cas smiles softly and wipes away Dean's tears.

"I have too."

[myownprivatcidaho]

ultimately im glad for he confession scene but there are some lines of dialogue in there that have done a huge disservice to deancas so far as how the majority of tumblr fandom sees it

[deanwinchestergf]

CAS I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME THAT WHEREVER YOU ARE ITS NOT TOO LATE I SHOULVE STOPPED YOU YOURE MY BEST FRIEND BUT I JUST LET YOU GO CAUSE IT WAS EASIER THAN ADMITTING I WAS WRONG I DONT KNOW WHY I GET SO ANGRY I JUST KNOW THAT ITS ITS JUST ALWAYS BEEN THERE AND WHEN THINGS GO BAD IT JUST IT COMES OUT AND I CANT STOP IT NO MATTER HOW BAD I WANT TO I JUST CANT STOP IT AND I FORGIVE YOU OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG IM SORRY IT TOOK ME TILL NOW TO SAY IT CAS IM SO SORRY MAN I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME

I KNOW HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF DEAN YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THE SAME WAY OUR ENEMIES SEE YOU YOURE DESTRUCTIVE AND YOURE ANGRY AND YOURE BROKEN YOURE DADDYS BLUNT INSTRUMENT YOU THINK THAT HATE AND ANGER THATS WHAT DRIVES YOU THATS WHO YOU ARE ITS NOT AND EVERYONE WHO KNOWS YOU SEES IT EVERYTHING YOUVE EVER DONE THE GOOD AND THE BAD YOU HAVE DONE FOR LOVE YOU RAISED YOUR LITTLE BROTHER FOR LOVE YOU FOUGHT FOR THIS WHOLE WORLD FOR LOVE THATS WHO YOU ARE YOURE YHE MOST CARING MAN ON EARTH YOURE THE MOST SELFLESS LOVING HUMAN BEING THAT I WILL EVER KNOW YOU KNOW EVER SINCE WE MET EVER SINCE I PULLED YOU OUT OF HELL KNOWING YOU HAS CHANGED ME BECAUSE YOU CARED I CARED I CARED ABOUT YOU BUT I CARED ABOUT SAM I CARED ABOUT JACK I CARED ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE OF YOU YOU CHANGED ME DEAN

[waiting-for-cas-to-save-me]

fatherhood for an angel chapter 4

After putting all the team-free will into their designated headspace Gabriel decided to stoke out and see what traps had been laid outside The Warehouse. He didn't see any but when he saw the Impala windows rolled down And parts under a tree instead of in the open for once he got curious. When he went and looked inside the Impalas windows he noticed the trench coat of Castiel only over something he couldn't quite make out when he removed the coat and saw an infant in a carrier. I could feel the grace of this child rolling off of her he's blood boiled. Castiel left not only a child and infants but an infant angel unattended in a vehicle specifically a black vehicle Gabriel's paternal instinct kicked in as he had raised many an angel in his time Do you talk Edina out of the seat ever so gently and realize that she was in grace induced slumber by the fact that she didn't wake by the simple movement Even with his hands grazing where her wings should be. just fueled this rage when a nasty idea crossed his mind.

Meanwhile, the brothers and Castiel didnt know what the point this time was.

Sam had to watch/live Jessica die all over this time not at the hands of yellow eyes. And one of his 3 kids killed themself. How does somebody tell their kid that he didn't know what to do but it kept him busy. case after case barely gave himself a moment to breathe the bags under his eyes were intense. His oldest daughter was trying to constantly get them to go on a blind date or something Live in Mom's memory not wallow in it.Sam doesn't believe in that He didn't want to move on from JessBecause this time he had had everything he'd wanted

Dean lived a life with Lisa and Ben. Married for 4 years. Ben is now an expectant older brother . And that's where her Dean's first tragedy lies. When he found out that Lisa had lost the baby.His whole world starts to crumble around him he didn't know how to feel.That was his child just as much as it was hers.Ben was sobbing every other day because he didn't know what to do Lisa stayed in bed most every day.He didn't know what to do. The Impala broke down and with her being as old as she is sometimes parts are harder to find than he would like and even Bobby didn't have any parts for her.thats

where his next tragedy lies.The health of Bobby Singer had tanked. Nobody knew how long Bobby would have.He had heard Sam say that he didn't have time to take off of work because he was in the middle of a case and there was no way out. He had somebody he had to defend. He couldn't leave Lisa much less than but it felt like shit for leaving Bobby

Nothing happened to CastielHe didn't even know what was going on with the boys He couldn't use any of his power to get out of this trap.He just watched his daughterWho's technically a sister but we don't talk about thatShe watched her learn so many things so I'm tutoring her in English and math and basic sciences and the histories that she needed to know,learning to drive with Dean. he wanted so many things for her nad he saw them all coming true.

This went on for days.As Gaberial took care of Adina she wasnt so fussy .her small health issues had cleared up .her Crys softened not using her angelic voice as much now thats when Gabe had to enact his idea. he went back to his “hairless apes” and little brother . he pulled the three of them together still bound to this mindset and powerless.

When it it Castiel itad been DAYS since they had been free so it had been days of an infant in a car no food nor water.

“Gabriel let us go” cas’s voice was shaky

“Remember something.Got caught up in a dream and forgot the important thing didnt you” He had both fire and ice on every word

“Listen here you dick with wings give us the kid” Dean was beyond pissed with himself and the angel

He snapped his fingers to have her in his arms.”oh this kid Me the one that was being fed the wrong food at the wrong time in her life the one who had an ear infection the one you left in a black car under a trench coat.”

“Yes that kid smart ass” dean had daggers in his eyes and a will to punch something or stab it.

All three of them gasp when they saw a small syringe needle and all being pulled from Gabriel's pocket.He ever so smoothly put the needle cover in his mouth and pulled it back It's spinning it on to the floor” Part of your shaving grace was her graceKeeping your sustained.Even though when I got a hold of it I didn't even 30 minutes now you're going to find out what it's like to do with human child a fully human child when I think you have earned the right to raise an angel ,Her grace will be given back and not a moment sooner.I hope this teaches you three a fucking lesson and not only raising a child but you're fucking responsibilities you're too caught up in your dreamland to focus on what actually was that real and what mattered I've known about this kid Was I really thrilled that God gave Castiel a responsibility like this No But here's the thing I tested you and all three of you failed I shouldn't even be giving her back So now you're going to face your consequences until I deem it worthy of getting her grace back.’’He gently put the syringe into one of Adina's veins and pulled back slowly watching as the blue fluid filled the syringeSam looked like he was going to cry because he knew He was part of the problem and he should have thought this one throughCastielWas crying because that was his daughter that was potentially being hur.tNot that she really remember any of it but he didn't like the idea of Gabriel doing anything to her.The second that Gabriel had let them go Dean ran full force with an angel blade right towards him forgetting about the child then his arms.When Castiel threw him to a wall All because he wanted his daughter.

He touched two fingers to her forehead to see that he painted that she had and looked into those beautiful blue eyes and started speaking rapid Enochian saying too her that everything was okay he wasn't going to let anything get heard her ever again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TAGLIST

@french-vanilla-in-the-clouds @smiling-girl@gabrielslittleangel @mrsblake-s @xoxo-bunbun-xo

[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

[thegeminisage]

wait but i care about your thoughts on sam and gender, i wanna hear all about it

@prettygayrose said: I feel terrible for asking multiple things...but I NEED TO KNOW....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET INTO YOUR FEELINGS ON SAM'S GENDER I WILL BE SO GRATEFUL!!

HI sorry im answering this so late. its been a whole ass week huh

i know sam as a trans lesbian is super popular & i think it’s rad but i also dig sam as a trans man and here are my thots about that, with the obvious disclaimer that i’m not really a professor i just play one on tv:

obvs sam as trans either way is like...since birth there’s something ~wrong~ about him you know except the only thing thats wrong is that everyone thinks hes a girl and hes not

i also like aspec sam and i feel like i read somewhere that trans people are more likely to be aspec though i can’t find the source so that may or may not be true. (EDIT okay i found this study which gives the percentage of trans people IDing as aspec at 4%, which is 4 times higher than the infamous figure of 1% that floats around about ace people in the general population, but it should also be noted that trans people are more likely to be any kind of queer - gay bi etc - overall. anyway aspec transman sam winchester is my point)

i think john was always kind of disappointed that dean wasn’t mary and it would be a neat foil if he was equally disappointed that sam wasn’t himself. the irony there being in fandom and in canon to some extent dean favors mary and sam favors john. so dean is a boy which is not mary’s gender and john is equally disappointed that sam “is a girl” which is not john’s gender except sam’s not a girl

john always belittling sam and never listening to him and making him feel like he can’t be trusted is actually now just misogyny bc he thinks sam is a woman. and dean’s the favorite by virtue of being “a real man” and dean’s not even that manly. it would be INFURIATING

the earlier seasons and for sure their childhoods have this thing about sam being small and weak and usually in need of protecting and also frequently underestimated which are all things that, in fiction, we associate with little sisters, which is what the world thinks sam is to dean

my biggest preference for trans guy sam is how well sam grows into manhood in the late seasons. late season sam is reserved and quiet about his pain, and he takes on protective and leadership roles, slips into this head-of-the-family sort of position (when dean kicks mary out of the bunker in s12, sam is the one she looks to after - like he gets the final say in whether or not that stands). and i’m not saying these things can’t be true of someone of any gender, but those mannerisms are all things we traditionally associate with men, especially in fiction, and sam embodies them SO WELL

and again, this is a stark contrast to dean heart-on-my-sleeve winchester, who to some degree had to be emotionally abused into his protective role of sam, and has always struggled with the more “traditional” aspects of manhood to the point where masculinity for him is a performance he has to get a good grade on - vs with sam, it’s just part of Who He Is

and struggles w/ masculinity being something they can sort of relate to each other with and bond over

like we watch sam become a man in supernatural so it would be cool to mirror it with him almost LITERALLY becoming a man

think about sam “becoming” something sinister in seasons 2-4 and he grapples with maybe just becoming who he’s meant to be. think about him liking to hang out with ruby and get away from dean because ruby doesn’t misgender and wants him the way a woman wants a man

we all said “cas bringing trans man dean back the way he wants to be” but cas bringing trans man sam back the way he wants to be 🥺

as sam becomes more outwardly masculine-presenting he realizes the “boy version” of himself looks a lot like john and then he has to deal with THAT

john seeing dean in mary being foiled by mary seeing john in sam when she comes back and the baby she thought was her daughter is now her son and a man too

anyway! trans man sam.

[spn masterpost]

[donvex]

im just thinking about how much more impactful the confession scene could have been. What it could have become if all meaning didn’t die with castiel. What could’ve been if the empty had shown up, had been unable to see cas, had found cas no longer the right taste. too little grace, too close to human. had billie still gone, but cas stayed. and how suddenly his dying words were sitting between him and dean, living and breathing, both of them. and how they suddenly become more when there has to be follow through

im thinking about a verse where dean rushes to cas, calls him an idiot, holds him close. a hug for sure, they’ve always been about hugs. but it could be a kiss, because dean was always better with actions than words. acts of service. it could be a whispered “you can have me. you already did, dumbass” in their bickering kind of tender. how it couldve been healing

or. or it couldve been silence. shock. castiel’s grace is all but gone, this is proof that he’s just about human. and he has to face that now, on top of facing everything he’s just put into the air. and frankly, i don’t know if cas would care about his status as an angel anymore. i don’t know if he’d care. i don’t know what he’d want to be. i don’t know that he’d really be thinking about any of that, not in the face of the man he just said i love you too. not when dean is right there, and after twelve years cas is saying something, has already said it, can’t take it back, has to actually hear what dean might say back. what cas didn’t let him say before.

and honestly it doesnt matter, i don’t think. i think what DOES matter is what dean thinks. does he think cas cares? because if he does, for even a second, he’s not going to let himself think about what he wants. he’s going to care about how cas feels, what cas needs. he’s going to call cas’ name, and say sorry, and watch cas go stone faced, or maybe watch his face drop, and which is worse? and then he’ll tell cas he’s sorry about his grace, but that he doesn’t need it. that he doesn’t need it to be useful. doesn’t need to be useful.

and cas.... can get angry. i think he deserves it. can feel despair, and anger, and ask. “do you really think that’s what this is about, dean? that’s all you have to say?” and they can steam, they can get angry the way they let out their feelings best. the happiness is only in the being when its a gift, it doesnt erase the present moment, the frustration, the feeling of failure. even though he didn’t fail, in the end. it wasn’t what cas planned. “i meant every word i said, dean, and you want to scold me in this moment?” because of course that’s where it goes, of course it’s the two of them always yelling at each other for being reckless and self-sacrificing, as if talking to a mirror. they can end up pushed against the wall again, until dean’s biting out “what do you want from me cas! you think you get to go on and almost sacrifice yourself for good and im just supposed to have a couple of cute little words to say back to you? you dense fucker, you were going to leave. again” and maybe, just maybe, this time dean would follow up with a little “i don’t want you to go. i need you to stay, this time. for real” and maybe, just maybe, this time cas will tell dean that he won’t do it again. won’t go. not for anything. “i’ll stay, dean. however it is you need me.” and maybe this is where they’ll angry kiss, mouths hot and fierce because they’ve been waiting. maybe twelve years, maybe less, but definitely a long time. thinking about the way they’re furious at each other, but underneath that - no, above that, stronger, is the relief. it’s both. its dean’s fingers curling into cas’ dirty trench coat like he’s never going to let go, because metaphorically, he isn’t. never again. and cas, touching dean’s neck, his skin, the way he never thought he’d be allowed to. it’s dean whispering “you have me, okay? don’t... make me say it. not yet.” it’s the head touch, the way they inevitably end up just looking at each other. it’s the way they’ve stared at each other for long, long moments before, and the way this time they don’t have a reason to look away.

i think they could’ve spent an entire episode on just them... working things out. THEIR way. the rough way, the tense way. the way that only works out by the end, and no where in between. i think they could’ve spent an episode on coming clean to sammy, and being told its about damn time. on piecing themselves together, just a little bit, and reflecting. on all they’ve been through, on all they want. the kind of “road so far” that isn’t for the audience, but for them. for the characters. all of 18x19 couldve been about that found family, about coming together. could tell a story about where they are, about why it took fifteen seasons to get there. why fifteen seasons made a difference. and, i dont know, maybe they’d just have to take that whole episode, and push back the world-defying fight against god (the ultimate evil) until, maybe, say, the show finale.

but thats just me thinking

[pagingevilspawn]

You Said You’d Grow Old With Me

again, another one-shot that i never posted on tumblr, only the link, so yeah! im also pretty sure this fic makes no sense, but my 4 am brain wrote it so...

____

"thought we had the time, had our lives, now you'll never get older, older"

~*~

TW// major character death

takes place some time after 16x15, before 16x16.

____

Jo was laying in her bed. Their bed. The bed that felt too cold. The bed that felt too empty. The bed that felt too big. After crying she felt better, having Link comfort her while she broke down. She wanted him back. She wanted him to answer her calls. She needed to know if he was okay. If he left her like she thought he did she at least needed to know if he was okay. One call. One text. Thats all she was asking for.

Except she wouldn't be satisfied with that. The five different positive pregnancy tests to the side of her were an example. She was pregnant. They were pregnant. How the hell did that happen? She was just pranking him about having a baby a two months ago, and now she really was going to have one? And at the best of times too. Right when her husband decides to go MIA.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there for, staring blankly into the distance, her body incapable of feeling anything. Numb. Thats how she felt. She felt like she was bathing in a tub of ice and all her sense and nerves had just shut down. Numb.

She'd only been numb once before, after seeing Paul for the first time in five years. Bu this was worse, oh this was so much worse. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. She couldn't talk. She couldn't do anything, she was just numb.

She wishes she could say she was startled by the sound of knocking her door, but she wasn't. She'd gotten used to Meredith and Link coming over at random hours of the day. Sometimes to rant about anything, or sometimes to just talk with her.

Maybe it's Alex, she thinks, and with that thought she gets up from the too big bed and makes her way to the loft's wooden door.

Please be you please be you.

The door opens and the sight she sees is one she wishes she didn't.

In one second she knew that her whole world was about to crumble under her feet. Oh god, how badly she wished she stayed in bed, how badly she wished she was at the hospital.

"Ma'am is this the home of Alexander Karev?" the officer asks, looking up from his notepad, his partner standing next to him dutifully.

Jo gulps visibly, already feeling the tears burning in her eyes. "Y-yes, he's my husband, i'm his wife."

The two officer share a sympathetic glance. "We're afraid there's been an accident.

____

After a short phone call with Meredith and one plane ride to some place in Oregon, Jo is standing outside some hospital she's never heard of, Meredith right by her side, holding her hand so tightly, like it was a life-line. Because it was. They knew nothing. All they knew was that Alex was involved in a ca accident that involved a drunk driver, and they hadn't been able to identify him for the past two weeks. They didn't know anything. Was he alive? Was he dead? Had they simply only contacted her so they would know what to do with his body? Was he seriously just okay and he was in a medically induced coma? Did he have amnesia? Did he not remember who he was?

For two weeks her husband had been just another John Doe. One that they see in the pit nearly every day.

He wasn't Doctor Alex. He was even a doctor. He wasn't her husband. He wasn't a best friend, a companion, a lover. He wasn't a surgeon who saved the lives of tiny humans. He wasn't a guy who made little kids less scared of the hospital. He was just another meaningless John Doe, taking up space in the ICU.

But oh, she felt guilty. So guilty. She was worried that he was having some kind of secret affair while he was really just in the hospital.

Meredith squeezes her hand, "You ready?" she croaks out, her red rimmed eyes string up at the hospital in front of her. Meredith wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for what stood behind those doors. She wasn't ready.

"No." Jo shakes her head, a few stray tears already coming down her cheek. She hadn't gotten them to stop. She physically couldn't get them to stop. Ever since those six dreadful words came out of the officer mouth.

Meredith sighs in understanding, "I know." she says, stepping forward and taking the first steps, Jo following behind her robotically.

No, not robotically. Numbly.

How naive she was, thinking that what she felt earlier was numbness, this was a whole new level. This was paralyzing. This was frightening. This was feeling her body start to disintegrate piece by piece.

Without knowing it she was standing on the sixth floor, the ICU. Meredith leans over the nurses station, asking for the room number for Alex Karev.

Jo doesn't see the sad, sympathetic smile the nurse gives the two, but Meredith does. And that's when she knew that things weren't going to be alright. Nothing was going to be bright and shiny and happy with unicorns and rainbows.

Somehow, they end up on the other side of the Alex's room, but Jo had yet to look up from her gaze on the floor. She's never noticed how white the linoleum of hospital floor were. They were shiny too. So shiny that she could see her reflection.

It was when Meredith lets out a soft sob that she finally decides to look up, not at all prepared for the sight in front of her.

The sight of her husband, the love of her life, lying in a bed, tubes sticking out of every possible place in his body.

It was then she felt her whole world crash down. Crash down and burn. A gut wrenching sob escapes her throat, a hand coming up to cover her mouth as the tears come down her face. They come down so fast she cant even wipe them away until her face is soaked again.

"Mer I-i," she chokes out, feeling her breathing start to pick up as she tries and fails to form her words.

Meredith nods, "Go in." she whispers brokenly, watching as a doctor makes his way towards.

The doctor holds out his palm to the blonde, "Hi i'm Doctor Kelsey, i'm the neurosurgeon on Mr. Karev's case-"

"It's doctor." she interrupts him. "Doctor Karev. Doctor Alex Karev." she says slowly.

The man nods, "Okay, Dr. Karev has been here for fifteen days now. There was an MVC on the 45 with a drunk driver and he ended up getting very severely injured-"

She cuts him off again, "I'm sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Meredith Grey."

She watches as the man's eyes widen in surprise. He was standing in front of Meredith Grey? The Meredith Grey? Catherine Fox Award Meredith Grey? Daughter of two time Catherine Fox recipient Ellis Grey?

"W-wow. I-its an honor to meet you Doctor Grey, i'm a big fan." he says, smiling brightly.

Meredith jolts back in shock, eyes narrowing at the man who was about ten years older than her. "It's an honor to meet me?" she hisses, watching as the fellow surgeon's smile falls as quickly as it appeared.

"I-its an honor to meet me? That's what you have to say? You have the audacity to say that, as i stand here, outside of the room of my best friend, who is alive because of tubes and vents? It's an honor to meet me, when the only reason i'm here if because my best friend, my person, is lying there, unable to move or breathe, or talk? It's an honor to meet me?" Meredith yells , tears escaping her eyes, earning the attention from the others in the ICU, but she didn't care.

The man nods furiously, "O-of course, i'm so sorry Doctor Grey, that was very disrespectful of me." he says, going on to explain the extent of Alex's injuries.

___

Jo stumbles into the room lifelessly, seeing the unmoving body of her husband lying on the bed.

The sight causes a whole new round of tears to spring into her eyes and down her cheeks, "Oh Alex," she chokes out, grabbing ahold of his left hand, clasping it firmly in her palm.

it was cold. Way too cold. Normally his hands were warm. Not sweaty or clammy, they were just warm and soothing, perfect for her's to slip into at any time of the day.

She feels the cold band of his wedding ring touch her fingers and that's when she lets the sobs take over.

The gut wrenching, heart breaking, deep sobs as she collapses on the side of his bed and onto her knees, completely ignoring the chair next to her.

She couldn't hold herself up. its like her legs could not longer support her, like they had turned into helpless piles of water, "Alex please." she begs, lips trembling as she places kiss over kiss on his hand.

She wasn't stupid, she was a doctor. She knew what all the tuning and the wires and the ventilators meant.

"Please tell me this is just some joke. Some really mean, really awful joke. Please Alex. Please." she cries.

"Please tell me this is just a nightmare, an awful, awful nightmare. Please tell me this isn't real Alex. Please." she begs, holding his hand so tight as her body shakes with sobs.

She shakes her head, laughing softly at first, then louder and louder, "Oh god." she sobs, her laughter coming to a halt. "This is real." she whispers, feeling as her tears drop from her eyes to the floor.

"No Alex. you don't get to die on me alright? Because, because i cant live without you okay? You-you need to know that. If you, if you die, i die." she says, taking both of her palms and clasping her tiny hands around his big one.

She shakes her head, "No Alex. You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to leave me. We-we meed to grow old a and grey, and we need to have kids. So many kids. We need to have at least three kids. We need to get a dog a-and travel the world. We still need to do that Alex."

Jo sniffles, "But it's not only you that needs me Alex, this baby needs you too." she sobs, standing up and sitting down on the bed, taking Alex's hand and placing it over her stomach, hoping that this would be enough. That this would be enough for him to wake up, to defy all medical standards and wake the hell up.

"Please Alex, this baby needs you." Jo sobs, "Because, i sure as hell can't do this without you. Y-you're the peds surgeon Alex, you were practically born to be a dad." she wipes her tears to no avail, since they just kept coming. "You need to hold this baby in your arms, you need to be there with me to tell them about how we had sex in a shed next to a corpse on our wedding on their wedding day. You-you need to see them grow up and graduate Alex."

"Y-you need to be there Alex. I need you, Mer needs. Zola and Bailey and Ellis, they need you. The tiny children that you save all the time need you. They need Doctor Alex. I need Doctor Alex."

"I-i need you to get so overprotective if it's a girl when she has her first boyfriend. I need to watch you teach our baby how to wrestle if he's a boy. Or a girl, i'm not judging." she chuckles soft'y, holding his palm against her still flat abdomen.

She lays down beside him, laying there in silence for a long time. She lets the thoughts roam in her mind.

Jo sighs, "I hated you at first." she starts, absentmindedly threading her fingers though his hair like she had done so many time before. 'Like seriously, you were one of the biggest assholes I ever met." she chuckles softly.

"And then there was the teen mom who was just going to abandon her baby that i went al crazy on, rightfully so by the way." she smiles slightly, knowing that if he could somehow hear her he was probably rolling his eyes. "And then suddenly, i told you my whole life story, just like that. I'd never done that with anyone before." she sighs, glancing back down to her stomach, where she had her hand clasped in his in a hold over her stomach. "I'd never opened up to someone so easily before. It was like... my heart knew I could trust you before any other part of me could."

"I know i know, you're laughing at me. I sound like something out of a cheesy lifetime movie." she smiles softly. "And then came Ben and Bailey's wedding, and then, before i knew it, you were my best friend."

She starts to trace his fingers, something she always did to calm her down, "And then, one day, i was drinking a beer at Joe's with Jason, and all i could think was that i would rather be with you, on the couch that I bought, and watching action movies with you. That's when i realized i was i love with you." she whispers, some new tears building in her eyes.

"And then we wen through crap. So much crap Alex. That's why this can't be the end. Thats why this can't be the end of us okay? Because we've been through too much crap to let a drunk driver end us."

"Please Alex, i'm begging you, come back." she sobs, starting to pound her fists on his chest.

"Come back! Come back you son of a bitch! Come back!" Jo cries, unable to atop the steady flow of water coming down her face.

"Please Alex." Jo begs, her eyes so red and puffy that they looked like she had been crying for years. "You-you have my whole heart Alex. And i-if you die, you will crush it, and I wont make it. I cant live without you okay? You hear me? I need you Alex. I- i cant breathe. I cant breathe, ii cant exist in a world without you in it, okay?" she sobs, hyperventilating as she trues to get her words out, which only came out in barely audible sobs.

Somewhere along the way she cries herself to sleep, waking up a nearly a whole day later to a view of Meredith, Amelia, Tom, Jackson, Arizona, Callie, Link, Cristina, Bailey, and Richard standing outside the ICU.

And for one second, before she opens her eyes, she forgets everything, simply snuggling into the body and the scent she missed so much, a combination of aftershave and spearmint.

And then she remembers.

And oh god, she just wants to die.

She feels like a knife is being driven through her heart, stabbing her again and again and again, with absolutely no intention to stop.

Eventually Meredith breaks her out of her trance by knocking on the door, in which Jo responds by a head nod, letting her know that it was okay to come in.

The blonde enters, flowed by Amelia and Tom. "I called them. I wanted them here to consult, look at all his scans, everything." Meredith mutters, her voice hoarse and broken from trying to hold in her tears.

Jo looks up at the two, a small glimmer of hope shining in her eyes, "P-please." she stutters out, her voice high pitched and squeaky, sounding more broken than they'd ever heard her before, "tell me you guys can do something."

Amelia takes a deep breath, letting a few drops of water pool in her eyes, "Jo-"

"No," she sobs, shaking her head. "It took me twenty-seven years to find him, longer to realize i loved him, and even longer to be able to marry him." she starts to shake, trying to take in every detail of his face.

His overgrown stubble.

The soft creases around his eyes.

The slight wrinkles etched into his forehead.

"Jo, we can't bring him back. I'm so sorry." Tom says, trying to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, which she shakes off.

She slowly nods, unconsciously mumbling something about how she was going to let everyone say their goodbyes before she said hers.

So thats what she did. One by one the said their tearful, heartbroken goodbyes, still i denial that the man they loved would soon be gone.

Jo goes in one last time, lying down next to him, holding his figure in her arms. "I love you." she sobs.

"I haven't said that enough. I love you Alex. God, I love you so much jerkface. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as i love you." she cried, her tears an endless flow into a river. "I love you, i love you, i love you."

"And, please, please love me enough to come back." she begs him, still holding onto that tiny bit of hope.

"You said we'd be together forever Alex. You and me. Please, please let there be forever." she pleads with him one last time, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.

With one deep breath she gives a nod to the nurse, who slowly begins to remove the ventilator. Then she unplugs him from all the machine.

She lays her head on his heart, feeling as he breathes one last time under her.

And then, she places a kiss on his lips, one last time

and all of a sudden,

he was gone.

"we had plans, we had visions, now i cant see ahead. We were one, were golden, forever you said."

"didn't say goodbye now I'm frozen in time getting colder, colder. "

"One last word. One last moment. To ask you why, you left me here behind."

"You said you'd grow old with me."

[moonflower-31]

A Wish Your Heart Makes - Gabriel x Reader

Warnings: Language, definitely. Mention of sex? For you ace folks. And description of stabing? Its a djinn hunt, so you get the picture.

Character(s): Gabriel, Dean, Castiel, Sam, + alternative versions of all of them. You'll see.

Pairing: Gabriel x Reader

~~~~~

"Come on, this is like, the biggest hunt we've been on since... since Amara. We should celebrate." Dean says, grinning widely.

You shook your head and laughed. "I don't know about that. That hunt down in Kentucky was pretty wild." You point out. Sam smirked.

"Really? You think, Zombies, was the biggest hunt? When we just fought like three Djinn?" Sam asks, walking towards the Impala with you and his brother.

You rolled your eyes again. "Wendigo, Samuel. It was a Wendigo, not a zombie. I should know. I was the one who saved your ass." You remind, pointing at Sam with your blade that was dripping with lamb and Djinn blood.

Dean chuckled and clapped his hands. "Oh Sammy, they got a point." He points out, smirking at his brother as he gets into the Impala.

Sam rolled his eyes and got in, ignoring his brother. "Forget it. Let's just go. I'm sure we can celebrate at the bar near the bunker." Sam grumbled, and closed his door.

You laughed and moved to the trunk to put the blade away. You popped the trunk and slid the blade away as you heard a wrustle in the bushes. You immediately grabbed a flashlight and shined it into the woods, finding nothing. You shrug it off as being some strays or wildlife and get back into the car. 

~~~~

"Come on Sam! They've got a two for one deal on whiskey shots! You wanna go?" Dean asks, challenging Sam to some shots.

You snicker as you climb out of the Impala after the brothers. They had been bickering as to who got the last kill on the hunt on the way there, and then you had suggested that they all get a few shots then go home. That's what led to this conversation. 

Sam rolled his eyes. "Come on, Dean. We aren't 27 anymore." He protests, closing the door to the Impala. "But fine. I can drink you under the table. As long as you let Y/N drive us home." Sam says, walking up to the door with Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Fine. But only this once." He says, pointing at Sam. "If you scratch or even put a single dent in her, you're dead, hear me?" He says, looking at you with dead seriousness in his eyes. You expected nothing less.

"Of course Dean. What? You think I would take this chance to damage her as much as I can without a drunk Dean noticing? Do I look like I wanna get skinned alive?" You reason, raising an eyebrow and smirking at him.

Dean ponders this for a moment before he nods. "Fine. Okay. Just don't wait up, alright?" He says, patting Sam's back before racing into the bar with Sam trailing behind him.

You chuckle to yourself as you begin walking towards the door yourself, before you see something move along the side of the bar. You furrow your eyebrows, following the noises as you take out your knife.

One step in front of the other, you make your way towards the side of the bar, trying to see with the limited light of the neon bar signs. You curse your eyes silently, for not being adjusted to the night as you walk slowly forward.

The closer you get, the more uneasy you feel. You feel tempted, to call out for someone to answer, but reconsider. You fish out your phone and dial Dean's number, and hear it ring once, then twice, as you look around. Then you feel your body being shoved against the brick wall of the bar, making you drop your phone.

You cry out in pain as the brick scrapes against your skin and you feel someone touch your temples. You look forward and see a younger Djinn, who smirked at you as the blue light began to emit from your fingers.

"Close your eyes sweet thing~" it warned, as you felt your eyes close unwillingly, and you fell unconscious. 

Suddenly, you open your eyes and jolt up in bed. Your chest heaves with fear. Was... was that a nightmare? That...

Now nothing was coming up. You couldn't recall anything of your dream. Your breathing didn't slow down though.

"Sugar?" You hear. You furrow your eyebrows and look up to see Gabriel, in his red boxers and a white, clean tank top. You blush a bit, and look up at him, and into his eyes. They were full of worry, but still shone their natural whiskey toned wonder.

"You alright? You were screaming in your sleep, cupcake." Gabriel asks, coming over to your side. You rubbed your eyes for a moment, blinking a few times as Gabriel wrapped an arm around you.

What was going on? He never did this. He never even attempted this before. Sure you, had your crush and Sam and Dean teased you about it, but you never told Gabriel how you felt. Why would you? It was a silly, puppy crush. That lasted for around 8 years now. But who's counting?

You furrow your eyebrows for a moment, and look up at him. "What are you doing? You...never hold me like this." You ask. Gabriel looks at you like you just said the weirdest thing in the world.

"Haha, what?" He asks, giving you a questioning look. "Sugar, I hold you every chance I get. So I can feel that sexy body of yours. And keep you as close as I can." He smirked, winking at you. You second guess yourself for a few minutes. Yeah... yeah that was right. You two were together...but why were you in a bed that wasn't in the bunker?

"Where...are we?" You ask. Gabriel chuckled again.

"At home, Sugarplum, where else would we be? I bought this place myself. Of course with your help." He says, as if reminding you. You focus your gaze forward for a moment, and then look back up at Gabriel.

"O...okay... uh... I'm fine... yeah... just a nightmare." You say, looking into his eyes. He smiled, almost in relief. 

"Good. I gotta get to making the apple pie. Dean is going to kill me if I don't make it right." Gabriel smirked and kissed your cheek as he gets up and starts walking out of the room. You stand up in confusion.

"W-why?" You ask, standing up from bed. Gabriel again looks at you.

"The party? Why else? Did you hit your head when you got up last night?" He asks, chuckling a bit as he walked back over and kissed your forehead. "Try to rest a bit, okay Sugar? We'll leave in a couple hours. If we're late again Cassie will shoot me." He chuckled. 

You looked at him in confusion, tilting your head as you pondered what he said. Gabriel then chuckled.

"Hey, you could rival him in cuteness with that head tilt. You could have a whole contest." He insists, smirking before he leaves the room.

You shake your head a bit. This was odd. Everything felt...right. Gabriel was... what you guessed was human. He was your boyfriend.

You look down at your hand and widen your eyes. Scratch that, husband.

You look around the room for a moment, and then down at yourself. You didn't have half the scars you were supposed to have from hunting.

Then.you look up and turn towards your side of the bed, and see a picture frame. You sit down and take it up into your hands. It depicted Dean and Cas, you and Sam, and Gabriel. All in weird Christmas sweaters with a very Hallmark like 'Happy Holidays!' across the bottom.

You smirk a bit. "I must've fought tooth and nail to get Dean into that..." you think for a moment. Then you put the photo down. You smile a bit to yourself before you look next to it, and find a packet of condoms. You widen your eyes and blush brightly. So apparently you two were sexually active. Perfect.

You pick up the condoms and put them in the nightstand drawer, and then promptly close it. You move over to what you guessed was Gabriel's side of the bed and looked to see a pile of candy wrappers on the table. You smirk to yourself, chuckling. You didn't dare open Gabriel's nightstand drawer as you stood up, and walked over to the closet. You opened it and pulled out an outfit you knew you owned. You smiled to yourself. Maybe all of this was right. And you were just imagining things. Yeah. Probably.

~~~

"You lost them?!" Gabriel asks, clutching at his hair. He was pacing the room as the two mutton heads tried to explain where the hell their friend was. 

Dean sighed, rubbing his forehead. "We didn't lose them, they were taken." Dean says, looking up at the two angels that were now in the room.

"How does that make anything better, Dean?" Castiel asks, his eyebrows furrowed in anger.

Sam sighed. "It... it doesn't. But at least we know that they didn't just walk off." He adds.

Gabriel was fuming at this point. He growled and turned towards the two. "Yeah, they didn't. They were freaking taken! By father knows what because you two were too drunk off your asses to answer their damn phone call!" Gabriel yelled, growling lowly.

Sam and Dean looked down in shame. They knew it was their fault. If they hadn't been so focused on their drinks and celebrating, they would have heard your phone call and have probably been able to help you. But now you were Chuck knows where and were probably being used as a food source.

Gabriel snarled a bit, beginning to pace through the room. Castiel sighed and tried to get Gabriel to calm down.

"Why are you so mad Gabriel? You don't usually show this much care to anyone. Let alone any human." Dean asks, looking up at Gabriel. Gabriel shoots Dean a glare, as if he should know.

"They're my soulmate, Dean. I told you to keep them safe!" He hollered, his eyes slightly glowing with his grace. Castiel held Gabriel back, to keep him from attacking Dean.

"What? Angels... angels have soulmates?" Sam asks. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

"Why do you think that the moment I saw them with you that I took such a specific interest in them? Its a feeling. The one, true feeling that I'm allowed to feel. It draws me to them. And I can't feel it right now. So if they're dead? You're both next." Gabriel deadpans.

Castiel sighed. "Gabriel, please, calm down. You can still feel their life force, correct? Their soul is connected to your grace." Castiel asked.

Gabriel sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I can still feel 'em... I just... I can't feel the draw to them. Thats usually how I locate them." He sighed. "They might be warded..." he suggests, running a hand through his hair.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Wow, and thats the second biggest piece of information I've heard all day." He says sarcastically, getting a glare from Gabriel.

Sam sighed, moving back and forth through the bunker. Then it hit him. "Dean, are you sure we got every Djinn last night? They mentioned being a family. That would mean..." he starts, looking at Dean.

Gabriel furrowed his eyebrows. "You guys were hunting a Djinn and you didn't think to tell me?!" He asks.

Dean sighed. "We didn't think ig was relevant information at the time, okay archdouch?" He asks, grumbling to himself.

Gabriel felt his vessel's blood pressure rising. He couldn't take much more of this. "You listen to me, both of you. Where, the hell, did you two hunt these Djinn? Hm? And where, were they hiding out?" He asks.

Dean looked at Sam and sighed again. "A small town about 3 hours north, and in an abandoned warehouse." Dean answers, looking slowly from Sam to where Gabriel once was, and took a double take when he realized the archangel immediately ran off once he knew what had taken you. 

~~~ 

"Come on, Sugar, we're going to be late!" Gabriel calls from the kitchen. You giggle a bit as you run a hand through your hair, and look yourself over once.

Gabriel's arms wrap around your middle, pulling you against his chest. He kisses your neck playfully, making you squirm and pull away from him.

"Okay okay! Stop it!" You insist. He wiggles his eyebrows at you. "Tease." You add.

Gabriel chuckled. "Come on, Sugarplum. Dean's already gonna shoot me for using Granny's apples instead of the orchard ones he sent me." He says with a laugh as he takes your hand and leads you out of the house and towards a silver car in the driveway. You smile to yourself, laughing a bit as you get in and the first song that comes on the radio was 'Candyman' by Christina Aguilera. 

"Perfect song for you." You tease. Gabfiel lets out a laugh and his hand finds your thigh.

"That, was the old me. Sure, still love sweets, and sex, but only with one sexy person." He purred, booping your nose. You immediately giggle and turn to look out the window.

As Gabriel drives down the road, you begin to see flashes of a world you didn't recognize.

"Where were they?" An echoing voice that sounded like Dean's asks.

A different version of Gabriel lays was looks like you, onto a small couch in a bunker of sorts.

"Warehouse, like you said. The Djinn was a teen. Barely out of it's blue diapers." The other Gabriel says. "But he got to them first. We have to wake them up."

You shook your head as the visions faded. What the hell was that? And what did Gabriel mean by wake you up?

You shook it off, it was probably nothing.

~~~~

"And you're sure this will work?" Gabriel asks, wary of the glass with the 'Dream root' as Dean and Sam called it with bits of his soulmate's hair in it. He turned his nose up at it, groaning at the smell.

Dean sighed. "Yeah. This'll work. It's worked multiple times for us. So yeah. We'll watch your vessel. Just get them to kill themselves in the dream, and then they'll be brought back here, topside." Dean answers. Gabriel exhaled a bit in anger. The mere idea of suggesting that to his soulmate, when their dream could potentially be a good one? What they truly want? He didn't want to take that away, bug he also didn't want them to be taken away from him.

Gabriel nodded in clarification, and sighed, and closed his eyes, taking a large gulp of the drink, and feeling himself get woosy soon after, falling asleep right where he stood, and soon after fell.

~~~~ 

You smile to yourself as you hear the loud noises from inside Dean and Castiel's house. Apparently they were together. Shocker. You climbed out of Gabriel's car and smiled, letting him wrap an arm around you and kiss you softly. You kiss him back, happy for once.

"Oh, I should go say hi to Riot. Ill meet you inside, okay?" You say. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

"I swear it's like you like the dog more than actually being here." Gabriel teased. "Go ahead Sugar. I'll be right inside." He says. You smile and kiss his cheek as you head to the side of the house, only to be hugged tightly by...Gabriel?

"Gabriel? I... I just saw you go inside, why-?" You start.

"This isn't real, Y/N. All of this. It isn't real. That me? Isn't real it's all in your head." This Gabriel explained. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

"Gabe... I don't understand-" you start again.

"You were attacked, alright? By a Djinn. He put you in a dream. Only you can wake yourself up from it. And everyone inside will keep you from doing so." Gabriel warns.

You look at this Gabriel with confusion. "A Djinn? The blue man?" You ask.

Gabriel smiled at your recognition. "Yes! Yes that's exactly what I'm talking about! You need to wake up." He says again.

Yoh shook your head in confusion. "I... I don't... I don't know how..." you ask, looking back up at Gabriel and feeling a strange sense of calm as you looked up at him.

Gabriel sighed and pulled out a knife and handed it to you. "You know how, Sugar. Dean's told you how he did it. Just do it soon. Please. I can't lose you." Gabriel warns. You sigh a bit, and nod to him. You wield the knife in your hand for a moment to plunge it into your stomach, before the other Gabriel started to wrestle with the one you were talking to. You suddenly look up, seeing the other Gabriel and now Dean trying to hold Gabriel away from you.

"Gabe? D...dean?" You ask, taking a step back.

The other Gabriel looks up at you and smiled. "You can stay here, Y/N. You can stay here and be with me. Have kids, get a normal job, get a dog. Maybe a Corgi. You don't have to go back. It's full of suffering. You know that." The other Gabriel says, walking towards you as Dean wrestles the real Gabriel to the ground.

"D-don't listen to them Y/N! Do it!" The real Gabriel cries out, grunting as Dean holds him down.

You furrow your eyebrows as you think, the other Gabriel not giving you time to do so.

"You don't have to go back to pining over this asshat. You can stay here, with me, and we can be together. Like you want. You don't need that. Why don't you give me the knife, and this can all be over." The other Gabriel says, nodding to you in a way the real Gabriel wouldn't.  You instantly furrow your eyebrows farther, taking a step back.

"No-" The real Gabriel starts. "T-this... this isn't real, but y-your feelings are... please, listen to me Sugar..." he starts.

You bite your bottom lip, debating your choice of words. "Are they? Really? Or has this Djinn made those up? Make me believe you'll never really love me back-" you start.

The real Gabriel breaks free for a moment. "They are real, Y/N. I love you. I really do. Alright?" He says, Dean grabbing his arms again.

You widen your eyes for a moment, and look down at thw blade in your hands.

"He doesn't mean what he says. But I mean what I do. You don't have to go back. There's nothing worth going back for." The other Gabriel says, walking forward.

You clench the knife's handle in your hand for a moment, stealing a glance the real Gabriel's way before saying, "Yeah, yeah actually, there is." You say, plunging the knife deep into your chest.

~~~~

You wake up with a jolt, finding yourself in the bunker, and on an old couch. You felt drained, and exhausted. You looked down, not seeing a stab wound. You sighed in relief, and looked up, seeing Sam and Dean who soon came in closer and hugged you tightly.

"Oof... what warranted this? Is it national Winchester hug day and I slept through it?" You tease weakly. You laugh a bit and look over to see Gabriel slowly getting up. You smile a bit at him, although weak.

"Definitely." Gabriel says, smiling at you as he stands up and walks over to you, pulling you into his arms.

You widen your eyes again for a moment, before you leaned into his embrace. It felt right.

"Just, just rest, okay Sugar? They're will be plenty of time to hunt down more monsters tomorrow..." Gabriel says, rubbing your back. "I love you..." he whispers. 

You sigh to yourself, but you give in, and you fall asleep in his arms.

Was the life perfect? Hell no. But was it was good enough. Especially when being carried. But you loved it. And you loved him. And something, deep down inside you, believed he loved you the same.

Perhaps you were right.

[transsexual-dandelions]

So uh, i got bored and typed the Destiel Love confession scene (its under the read more)

Dean: she's gonna get through that door Cas: i know Dean: And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me. I'm sorry Cas: Wait, there is- there's one thing she's afraid of. There's-there's one thing strong enough to stop her. When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal to save him Dean: you what? Cas: The-the price was my life. When i experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty will be summoned and it will take me forever Dean: why are you telling me this now? Cas: I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what- what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want... its something I know I can't have.  But I think I know- I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. Its in just being. Its in just saying it. Dean: what are you talking about, man? Cas: I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and your broken. You're- You're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument' And you think hate and anger, thats- that's what drives you. thats who you are. Its not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, The good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. [at this point Cas is tearing up] Cas [continued]: You know, ever since we met and ever since  I pulled you out of hell, Knowing you has changed me.Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.  Dean: why does this sound like a goodbye? Cas: Because it is. I love you.  Dean: Don’t do this Cas.  [the empty comes out of the wall in its black goo form.] [Billie finally opens the door.]  Dean: Cas? Cas: Goodbye, Dean. Dean: what? [Cas pushes Dean out of the way of the empty, causing the bloody handprint on his shoulder] [Billie walks into the room] [The empty takes Cas, its black goo forms around him. Cas is smiling and the last thing he see’s is Dean.] [The empty also takes Billie] [Dean is sitting on the floor against the wall, about to cry]

[missjackil]

My 15x19 Opinion

Inherit The Earth

I’m not going to say this was a great episode overall, but it wasn’t bad, and the ending was beautiful! I almost wish it had been the series finale because I loved the Running on Empty montage and my boys smiling as they ride into the sunset, but Id ikely say the episode itself wasnt sufficiently satisfying as the final episode of the longest running genre show in history, but as a season finale, it was pretty good!

We begin with Dean meeting up with Sam and Jack, and Dean tells them about Cas. Im glad Dean didn’t shed anymore tears or dwell on it, but Im bothered by Sam not showing any emotion. Had Sam been upset, then it would have looked like he valued their friendship even if Cas obviously didn’t, but now it just kinda looks like neither cared much. I feel a little bad for the Sastiel shippers tbh

Now in true Sam Winchester fashion, Sam puts all the blame on himself that the whole world is gone because he “screwed up” and I felt really bad for him, but I know the Winchesters, and they’ll figure it out.

Dean finding the dog was adorable. I always get warm fuzzies when the boys get cute with animals! Big bad lethal hunters get all soft and smooshy for bunnies and doggies and watch funny kitten videos! I liked Dean telling the dog maybe Sam will let him sleep in his bed!

Back at the Bunker, the boys wake up the following morning. Sam and his coffee, sleepless Jack in his PJs and Dean hungover on the floor. Dean wakes up and gets a call, Now I want a show of hands for everyone who did like I did ok?

(Dean’s phone rings and he answers it}

Cas :Dean open the door Im hurt Me: Oh COME ON!! SERIOUSLY? (Dean answers the door) Lucifer: 😆 Me: YAAAY LUCIFER!!

That was me.. admit it, was it you too? I’ve never been happy to see Lucifer till then LOL

So we get the book, theres a new Death (she was funny btw) Michael comes,  Death 3.0 dies, stil no one can read the book, yada yada yada Mike kills Lucifer (seriously? 3 people have killed Lucifer and none of them were SAM!! Grrrrr) 

So Sam and Dean meet up with Chuck, I got a kick out of him asking if they were “enjoyng some alone time?” Chuck doesnt just ship the Wincest, he wrote it *snicker*  Dean pleads to have everything put back to how it was, he says he’ll kill Sam or Sam kill him or they’ll kill each other, whatever but Chuck declines. 

Now we move on to casting the “spell” out by the lake (obviously where they filmed Bravealecki lol) and Chuck comes to end them I have to say,, watching the boys getting pummled was hard, but it really did my soul some good to see them keep getting up get beat down, get back up, and then ultimately, hold each other up 💕💕💕 I loved their beaten faces, smiling through the blood, yeah Chuck, you lost! 

Now, Im glad they didn’t kill Chuck, I didnt think anyone was going to kil him anyway, but I did think he’d be redeemed, instead, they surprize me again and Chuck lives but now is just human. Good call!

Jack being the “New God” is iffy to me if I like it. I’m gad he got a good end, Sam stood by him from day 1 that he was worth saving, and he was. But ruler of the Universe? Ehhhhh not a fan, but at least he does have Amara with him. His goodbye was a little cheesy but Sam looked sad “What if we want to see you?” I mean, he’s letting his only son just go away forever... that hurts.

So the boys are home now, not social distancing AT ALL hehe. and after we salute those lost along the way, Sam and Dean take in the fact that they’re finallly free to be Sam and Dean and they like that. Dean gives Sam the most awesome side hug ever, and Sam makes the cutest face!! Just kil me with brolove please!!

Now the perfect song for their recap montage, Runnin’ on Empty!!  Of course I cried, did you think I wouldn’t?

Overall it was good and I enjoyed watching it a 2nd time already. Im let down some by still not knowing why Sam was in the book, why theyve brought up Sam and Dean being Mike and Lucifer’s vessles every season since 11 and not put closure to it. I mean we dont need a grand puppet show, but something for closure, Mike and Luci asking again and almost winning and thge boys giving a final no? Chuck saying he doesnt even want them as the vessels anyhmore? How about why the Hell he wanted them in the first place? I mean it was a big deal just to get John and Mary together so that Sam and Dean would be born, and Id be fine with it ending when s5 ended, but they brought it back up in 11 and kept reminding us every season after so..... wtf?

Anyway I did like it, even with the issues so on a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon I’ll give this one an 8.5. 

Next week is it folks and I already miss them. I hope with all my soul the boys end up together, and I hope that TPTB were smart when they had JDM and Sam Smith together last season that they took some time to film a Heavenly Winchester Reunion and have been very tight lipped about it. It would be so easy and so awesome!! I doubt they were that smart so just keep my boys together thats all I ask!! 

If the end sucks I wont even bother with a recap and wont likely be on Tumblr anymore at least for a while, so.. lets pray it doesnt suck!

[wayward-mikaelson]

Centuries-Five

Word Count: 2673

Pairing: None 

Characters: Dean, Sam, Hezekiah (OG Character-I picture him like the dude who played Laurent in Twilight and New Moon), Reader, Rowena (Known in this chapter as ‘certain witch’), Michael (Mentioned), Maggie (Mentioned), HooDoo Zombies (not sure if that’s a thing but in this world it is), HooDoo Priestess (Mentioned)

About: Dean worries that he hasn’t heard from the Reader in a week. The Reader has stumbled upon a case that has a whole town trapped not knowing what day it is. The Reader breaks free and finds herself back in Texas and face to face with Hezekiah.

Disclaimer: Language and Angst

A/N: If you are on my tag list and wish to be moved off or to different tag list let me know.

A/N 2: Tag or share to all your favorite SPN Accounts

Forever Tag List: @donnaintx​ @myinconnelly1​ @magssteenkamp​ @elansaidaris​ @440mxs-wife​ @hobby27​ 

Dean/Jensen Tag List: @akshi8278​ @sandlee44​ @squirrelnotsam​ 

*18+ CONTENT. ANYONE YOUNGER THAN THAT WILL NEED TO MOVE ALONG. I DO NOT WANT TO RISK MY ACCOUNT BEING THANOSED.

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Centuries Master List HERE 

Want to read some of my favorite fanfics click HERE

DEANS POV

"It's been a fucking week, man," I pace the kitchen holding the cup of coffee Sam gave to me. "I haven't heard from her since I called her that night." I set the cup down and rub my face.

That phone still plays in my mind. I get why YN left, I really do, but I had just gotten her back myself. I wanted more time with YN before she pulled something like this. I knew her would too. When I pleaded with YN to come back she told me she had to do this alone. She didn't want me near Michael at all. Hell, I didn't want him to come back but things kind of changed but I wanted to do this with you. Then YN said "What if I wanted Michael back because a part of me loved him? I don't want you near if that's the case. I'll call you when I can, Dean."

I hate that YN had some weird ass connection with the archangel that took his body for a joy ride. That used it to stab her. To hurt her. That used it to manipulate her to do his bidding. That used some dream to get into her pants. I shiver remembering when I found out that she and Michael had dream sex. Something that Cas told us that even though in a dream, it was real. That used it to get her killed. I just can't get on bored with YN being in love with him. I just didn't believe her and I knew she would say what ever she needed to keep me out of whatever it is she are doing.

"I'm sure she will call when she calls," Sams doesn't look up from his laptop. "Last I check her phones tracker was lost somewhere outside of New Orleans."

I look up from my coffee. "Why are you tracking her?" Then it hits me, Sam knows. YN told him she killed Maggie. "Dude, if you even think about going after her, I won't hesitate to kick your ass."

Sams looks up and I see the pain and anger in his eyes. I feel for my baby brother, I really do, but I can't let him go after YN. Sam doesn't know how freaked out she had been learning she did kill her best friend. Sam doesn't know how she hid from him in her room. "I'm not going to lie, Dean," Sam closes his laptop. "It crossed my mind a few times this last week but I just know I can't. For all we know Hezekiah, the angel that has her mind on lockdown, could have pulled the strings on this and manipulated her like Michael had."

"Then why are you tracking her still?" I ask firmly. "If you aren't planning on going after her."

Sam leans back and takes a deep breath. "I guess to make sure she's okay, since she hasn't called at all."

I sit back and let out he breath I held in. I know Sam is hurting. I've been in his place where the girl I love has died. Maybe we can find a way to bring Maggie back. I can call Rowena, but she always has some sort of condition. "You said she was somewhere outside of New Orelans?"

"Yep," Sam nods. "Then her tracker literally just fell off the face of the earth. I should also mention I did try to call her but her phone is also out of service when the account says it's still in service."

My heart just barely stops. I know she's in trouble. I get up and make my way to my room to pack. "We should go look for her," I yell towards Sam.

"I know, and she will kill you knowing you didn't listen to her," Sam yells back. It sounds like he's in his room as well packing. Even though YN killed Sam's potential love, he still cared for her. He is still looking on the bright side of all of this.

As I'm throwing things into a bag my phone rings. I look down to see an unknown number. Not many people have this number but it could be someone needing help. I reach down and something tells me that I need to answer this.

"Hello?" my voice is cautious.

"Dean?! Oh thank God!" YNs voice sounds freaked out and out of breath. "How long has it been?"

"Wait, what? Why?" I ask confused.

"I don't have time," she yelled into the phone. I stop what I'm doing and turn around to see Sam in the doorway. I mouth to him that its YN on the line. His face is covered in worry. "Tell me how long it's fucking been since we last talked!"

"A week," I'm suddenly aware of the pounding in the distance over the phone. "Is everything okay? Are you okay? Whats going on?"

I hear some shuffling and banging around. "I accidentally stumbled on a case that involves some dark and heavy hoodoo. What's been a week for you has been only a day for me. I tried to call but my phone wouldn't work. I couldn't even leave either. I killed the witch or hoodoo priestess or whatever the hell you want to call her but when I did, the town folk turned to zombies. Now I'm trapped in a room with the only working phone in town."

I zip up my bag and signal Sam that we were leaving. "Honey, where are you? Sam tracked your phones last ping outside of New Orleans. We are on our way. Just hang tight."

YN gives a small chuckle. "Of course, one of you tracked me. And yes, theres a small town outside of New Orleans but it's not on a map. But I got this Dean, you stay where you are. Theres a window I can jump out of and high tail it to my car. All the magical bearers are gone now that the hoodoo chick is dead."

The sound of banging and wood breaking kills the call. "YN?" I try to call the number back but it's dead. I look at Sam and he sees the fear written all over my face

"I'm assuming we're still going?"

"You bet your ass we are," I turn the key in the ignition and we are on the road in seconds.

DEANS POV OVER

The line is dead.

A few hoodoo zombies stumble into the room. I throw the phone aside and eye the window thats a few feet from me. This is going to hurt like hell, I think as I take a couple steps backward to get a good running start.

"This window better already have a weak spot," I mumble as I run towards it.

Taking a leap towards the window, I break through landing on a dirt and broken glass. A few shards of glass pierce my skin but I don't care. I get up and make a bee line for my car. Only to be stopped by a few hoodoo zombies. I then notice that the one trying to eat my face off has a familiar necklace on to the one of the hoodoo priestess. I yank it off and kick the thing off of me and break the crystal-glass thing to the ground. A faint glow comes from it and breaks into several tiny specks of light and going after the hoodoo zombies. Once the light touches them they all drop like flies.

"Huh," I then grab my side. I look down and see a shard of glass sticking out of my side. I know I shouldn't pull it out but I needed to. I limp over to my car and throw open the trunk where I know there is a first aid kit. I bite my lip and slowly pull out the glass. A small whimper escaping my lips.

I toss the glass to the ground and quickly cover up the already bleeding wound. I take my flannel and cut off a long piece and tightly tie it around myself. Maybe I can talk Hezekiah into healing it. I painfully get into my car and pull my phone out of the glove compartment. The battery is suddenly charged and there's service.

I dial up Deans number and press send.

"YN?!" Deans voice sounds so excited. "Oh thank God. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I get the car on the road and speed out of town. Not evening caring to look back. "I have a bumps and cuts. The Hoodoo zombies are all dead. Apparently there was a necklace that held some sort of light thing that killed them when I broke it. Similar to how I killed the hoodoo chick."

Dean sighs on the other end. "That's good. Sam and I can finally have a good night in."

"Dean," I know hes on the road. He can't hid that from me. "how far are you out of Lebanon?" Dean's silent. "Dean, don't forget I know you really well. Anyone in danger that you care about, you drop everything and race towards them."

"About an hour," Deans voice is firm and deep. "I just couldn't live with myself if I just sat back and let you die. Again."

I close my eyes. Maybe taking off was a bad idea. Maybe I should have done this with Dean. "Whatever happened in that field was not your fault. You had zero control over it. Michael hijacked your body."

I can picture Dean licking his lips and staring out the front of the impala. "Right, anyway, where are you headed?"

Right, of course he doesn't want to speak about it. According to Cas, it's too much for him. Michael is a sore spot for him. But what they all don't know, Michael is also a sore spot for me too. Despite everything I've done. The only reason I would want him back is to beat the living shit out of him.

I think back to the last words I said before this whole thing happened. I told him 'what if I wanted Michael back because a part of me loved him?' I shouldn't have said that. I even wonder why I even did say that. Yes I have or had some feelings towards the archangel. Hell, he was incredible at making love to me, almost as good as Dean. I push it aside.

"I have a feeling about Texas," I tell him. "I feel like I've driven this road before. Just keep an eye on me if you don't hear from me."

"Sounds perfect, we will make our way there then," Dean is quiet for a second. "YN, I love you. Whatever happens and whatever you find out once your memories are back, just know that. I will always be here for you. Hell, I will die for you if I have to."

I drive all night and end up in Corpus Christi early morning. I don't know why I am here, but I know I am in the right place. I send a quick text to Dean telling him where I ended up and to tell me to call me when he's at a motel. I stare at the beach in front of me and feel a pull on the mark on my side. Which reminds me that I never asked Cas to look deeper into that mark. Too late for that.

I get out and walk the beach. The pull on my mark is strong. I look up and down the beach and my eyes land on a light blue beach house. I've been there before. I walk back to my car and drive towards the blue beach house. It's not the same place I walked out of before I killed Maggie. Maybe we changed location. I don't know, But I will find out.

I get out of the car and pull out my gun. I make sure it's loaded, you know just in case I need to stun the angel. I slowly and cautiously walk up to the door. I go to knock but then I slowly put my hand on the door knob. I slowly open the door and slip inside. Dean would be pissed for doing this part alone but, I need to know if the dick face angel is in here.

The house is spotless. Almost like no one has lived in it for sometime. It's also quiet. I poke around rooms and find nothing. Then I come upon a locked room. I look around the small hallway for a key until something hit me. I sweep my hand over the top of the door frame and feel a small objet. I take it down and see that it's a small key like thing. I use it to unlock the door.

I see a room that looks like I could have slept here. The bed is all messed up. Theres clothes thrown all over the place. I guess I didn't care about what my room looked like then. I pick up the clothes and stash them all in the hamper near the closet. Something tells me that I needed to open the closet.

I am not prepared for what I see in there. There are papers taped and pinned to the walls. A list of things that make me tear up. Maggies name is on that list along with the words HAIR FROM DEAN. It's crossed out so I must have gotten it from him without him knowing. There are pages from a book about how to create a vessel without really having a body.

"What the hell did I get myself into?" I ask myself.

"I was wondering when you would come back," a voice startles me. I turn around and see a dark skinned man with dreads in the door way. "I see that wall has been activated too. So how did you find your way back if you're memory is gone."

I watch as he walked a few steps into the room. He spots the gun in my hand. "I'm assuming that you're Hezekiah," I say staying where I stood. "According to Cas, there are some holes and cracks in the wall. Could explain why I was able to find this place. He was also able to pull out one memory from me. Maggie."

"Ah, yes, the girl from Michael's world," Hezekiah smirked. "As I recall you didn't have much regret for it. You really really wanted to see Michael. Well," Hezekiahs smirk got bigger. "That's what I made you think when I brought back and refused to do what I needed." Hezekiah must have seen the look on my face. "Yep that's right, when I brought you back, with a little help from a certain witch, you flat out refused to help me get Michael back. Told me and I quote 'go die in a ditch you self righteous spineless dickless asshole.' So I toyed with your mind some and now we are closer than ever."

Fuck, I think. "So not only did you throw up a wall to cover your ass, which you did a piss poor job by the way, you messed with my mind to get you to bring back Michael. For what? Control? Power?"

"To rule Heaven, along side him," Hezekiah raises his voice. "Once he's back and finishes what he started, I can kill him and rule Heaven. With you by my side of course." He takes a few more steps towards me. What was it with angels want to rule heaven with me by their side.

"Okay, I'll continue to help, but first," I holster my gun. I know that if I don't go along with this I will die. I need to play along. "Give me my memories back."

Hezekiah looks me up and down trying to get a read on me. "You're still very hard to read." He closes the space between us. He smiles wickedly as he touches my forehead. Dean is going to be so fucking pissed.

[boywivlove]

| Lutz | 01 

Chapters | 02

Pairing: Past Hoseok x Reader | Eventual Jimin x Reader

Genre: Figure skating AU | Slight angst | Fluff

Words: 1K +

Summary : After your last performance at the Junior world championships leaves you with a broken leg, your longtime boyfriend and team mate Jung Hoseok decides to partner with someone else and sign with a new agency  for the next competition, leaving you behind with the remains of a severed relationship. 2 years go by and your leg has long since healed, but a nasty blow to your confidence has put you off the idea of return to the competition circuit after being left behind. But when a chance meeting with an old friend catches you by surprise, you find yourself with a new partner. And after working hard you end right back where everything went wrong. But this time your going to show just far you’ve come.

Warnings : Mentions of broken bones and injury | some strong language |

Authors Note: Heyyyy SO Im still here haha, Ive been so busy with work and getting ready for christmas Ive not had time to write, but hopefully people are still here and want to read my skater AU hahah >W<

Its funny how things can change so quickly. You feel like everything just fits together, like a jigsaw portraying the image of your perfect life. You never really think about the perfection shattering like a mirror and you, being left to pick up the pieces of your once perfect reflection. Some things are just not meant to last forever I guess.

It was currently autumn time in your small little town, the leaves had long since shifted from lush greens into the beautiful hues of orange and red, like fire lining the cobbled streets. The chill in the air calling for thick winter wear and stalls of delicious hot foods perfect for this kind of weather. Yet as you walk the busy street, your once beloved time of year now only brought you broken memories and an ache in your bones you couldn’t seem to shift. 

You readjusted your messenger bag as you opened the door to the small coffee shop, the bell chiming as you felt the warmth kiss your frostbitten cheeks. It had been two years to the day when your dreams were ripped away from you. It was in this very cafe that you remember every detail of that night, every word he spoke to try and make you see his point of view, as if to soften the blow of his abandonment. Who was he trying to kid? His name was Jung Hoseok, Jhope in the figure skating circles. Yes, THAT Jung Hoseok. Lovable bad boy Pro skater Jung. god. damn. Hoseok. It was such a bad break up, if you could call it a break up. More like complete abandonment in your opinion. Who the hell abandons their girlfriend and skating partner for competition? Him thats who. 

It all happened at the junior world championships. You and Hoseok had been partners for 10 years, ever since you could balance on your skates. and for 5 years you had been a couple going strong. All the training you put in had led up to that moment, the moment to prove yourselves and be scouted out by the mass of agencies that had attended in hopes of snatching some new blood. It was finally your turn and you both breezed through the routine, the toe loops? no sweat. the Salchows were child’s play for you both. But then came the triple lutz. You had practices this particular move almost a hundred times and every time you were near perfect. But that one particular moment. The one time you needed to be flawless, lady luck decided fortune was not in the cards for you. You lost footing mid air and Boom. One broken femur and a trip to the hospital later you felt your ego bruised and your chances of being talent scouted shot.

It was two months later into your recovery Hoseok had asked you to meet at the cafe you sat in now, four booths over in fact. You had arrived a little late due to your injury inconvenience. He had ordered your favourite hot drink, peppermint hot chocolate and asked how you were. You didn’t think nothing of it but he had been distant since the accident. It wasn’t anything you felt you had to worry about, you were confined to the house the majority of your time after being released from the hospital so it was natural to you you hadn’t seen him in weeks. It was only when he cleared his throat and bit his lip you knew something was on his mind, it was a habit he had since he was a kid. Time seemed to slow down in that moment as your world caved in from under you.

“hey listen,, this is a little hard for me to say…”

“oh? is everything alright? I know we haven't been able to practice in a while but once im all healed-”

“no no its,,, look Y/N ill be straight with you.”

“ o- ok?”

“Y/N,, I want to go somewhere with my figure skating. and with you off the ice for the foreseeable,,,, I dont think I can go anywhere.”

“ oh… uh- so,, are you saying you want to go solo?”

“Not quite,,, aghhh listen, after your accident I realised were on different levels in our skating, this just proves it. This competition should have been easy for us and you go and break your leg for fucks sake,”

“oh like it was my intention to make an idiot of myself out there? How can you blame me for that?! Hoseok if you just wait we can work, I can work on my routines. i ca-”

“Y/N I cant say thins any other way but, I got a call from the S.F.S.A and they want me in their program. They’ve partnered me with a great skater and she-”

“Wait… you've already signed with them,,, and got a new partner. Hoseok I cant… I cant believe you. We always said we skate together or not at all. and you know how much I wanted us to get into S.F.S.A TOGETHER? Its like you dont care about anything we worked towards… and just because I broke my leg? … I just. I cant believe you.”

“come on Y/N dont be like this. This is a big opportunity for me. The Seoul Figure Skating Association in a BIG deal. I thought you’d understand. Your my girlfriend why are you being like this”

“Im HURT Hobi!? The slightest inconvenience and you throw me away? ,,,”

The silence was deafening as the two of you sat in that booth, The lighting overhead made Hobis blonde tips look almost white, and your eyes shimmer with unshed tears. It was as if the Hobi you knew, the man you’d loved since childhood had disappeared the moment he sat down. After all the hard work and effort you had put in, both in your teamwork and relationship, was it all for nothing. 

“I dont think this is gonna work between us anymore… Things, things change. People change and, I want this Y/N. I cant wait for you anymore.”

Those few sentences broke your heart. With nothing else to say to him you stood up, your crutches steadying you as you said nothing, what could you say to someone who just threw away everything you had together for a chance at bettering his career,,, a career you both put so much effort into. A career he was perusing with someone new. Hoseok stood with you when you struggled to adjust your bag around your head, he looked as though he wanted to help you, but the angry tears threatening to spill out of your reddening eyes was enough to tell him not to. As you made your way to the entrance you looked back at him, his face was masked in an almost pained expression, his cheeks were starting to pinken and his jaw was shaking slightly as thought he was about to cry. You left the shop before you could hear him saying its for the best. if that was what he thought then he can leave you. You were just thrown to the kerb and in that moment. your perfect world had shattered. your reflection left broken into pieces on the floor.

So, two years later and here you sit, in the same cafe, looking over to the booth your whole life came crashing down. Your leg had healed well, and you took back to the ice almost instantly to train yourself up again, but after the pain of losing your partner on and off the ice, you just couldn’t find the confidence you once had. It was as if your competitive lust for figure sating had left you with Hobi. It was after your loss of confidence your mental health took an even bigger hit, you felt yourself declining from the world and the people around you as you just got by day to day. You felt you could heal from what happened physically, but not mentally. But all grey clouds have a silver lining, days went by, the sun came up, and you eventually felt like yourself again. It took a lot, but it was the lack of self confidence in yourself that led you to your current occupation, your local ice rink had an opening for the overseeing the beginners lessons for ages 5-10, as much as you wished you could get back to being the skater you once were, the kids have grown on you. Your days that were filled with dull moping around the now very single woman’s apartment was now filled with tiny rosy cheeked little faces eager to learn. and everyday you felt yourself becoming more and more like yourself. And its this part of your life when you meet someone who turns it all around for you.

[suspiciouslandlady]

OTP Game

Pick your top 10 OTPs without reading the questions

1. Kirishima Eijirou x Katsuki Bakugou

2. Sasori x Deidara

3. Erwin Smith x Levi

4. Jean Kirschtein x Marco Bodt

5. Nagisa Kaworu x Shinji Ikari

6. Cloud Strife x Sephiroth

7. Steve Rogers x Tony Stark

8. Peter Parker x Wade Wilson

9. Kaminari Denki x Sero Hanta

10. Emperor Mateus x Kuja (lmao I had to add this crackship, I’ve started to like it so much ahaha)

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?  - Honestly I can’t remember when I started to ship Sefikura because the first time I saw them was in Advent Children movie, followed by Kingdom Hearts until I finally started to be interested in Final Fantasy. Somewhere between their eternal fighting haha.

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2? - I’m reading one atm hahaa!! But yeah, Sasodei was my 1st ship ever and I did read some fics about them back in 2008-2009. 

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver? - Oh yeah they definitely have. 

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be? - Wasn’t that the plot of Captain America: Civil War? No? Pfffft!! But honestly watching CA: Civil War was pain since I don’t want to take neither of their sides or see them fighting against each other but ugh. 

5. Why is 1 so important? - I love everything about their relationship. They complete each other and it’s just so amazing that Kirishima is Bakugou’s first true friend. A person he really acknowledges as his friend and trusts him. And I don’t even need to talk about that one moment we all know... *cough* take my hand *cough* 

But also!! Kirishima is able to grow as a person with Bakugou’s help too. It’s not one-sided with only Bakugou improving his character. They both are good influence to each other.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship? - I think to me, they’re more of a funny ship because the memes and shit, two damn goofballs at your service. But there’s a hint of seriousness and I really like to read serious Kamisero fics as well. Though sometimes it feels like they’re more harder to find :/

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry? - Ugh I think there’s at least couple ships that have so much chemistry but I gotta say Eruri. I mean, Isayama did hint stuff about Erwin and Levi having deeper relationship than just friends but beside that, their chemistry is so fucking great. I guess it has something do with Levi’s Ackerbond to Erwin as well, Levi has dedicated his entire life to help Erwin reach his goals. And Erwin respects him, I feel like at the beginning he was the only one who held some kind of respect toward him and saw all the potential in Levi, even when he was just a thug in underground city.

8. Out of all your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond? - Eruri again. And again, one of the reasons is probably Ackerbond. But their bond is so damn strong and Levi trusts Erwin with his whole life. And we all know how selective Levi can be with people.

9. How many times have your read/watched 10’s fandom? - Well it’s a crack ship so I guess I have to break it down into three different fandoms. FFII where Emperor is from, not that much. I’ve played the remastered version of it with my PSP but never finished it. I should play it some day. 

FFIX where Kuja is from, I finished the game last month and loved it. It made me love and understand Kuja’s character a lot more and he’s now my top 1 favorite Final Fantasy Villain.

Dissidia Final Fantasy is probably ‘the fandom’ where I ship this, as it’s an actual game where they both are. I used to play Dissidia back in middle school so much, like my first Dissidia 012 saving on my PSP is from 2011... And I recently played it again and finished the story mode. Still the best 1vs1 game ever, and I’m not even fan of those types of games.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest? - Sasodei probably. I started shipping them when I was 12 and even when I fell out of Naruto and stuff, they’ve always hold a special place in my heart. Even now as I’m getting back to the old fandom, reading and seeing pics of them gives me that same sweet feeling I felt toward this ship decade ago. I don’t even care what people say about them (I’ve heard some peepz call it abusive??? I kinda see what they’re trying to imply but then again wtf people???) because honestly, idgaf. It’s a ship that is precious to me from my past, it’s the roots of my weeb and shipping life.

Another long ship is both Eruri and Jeanmarco, I started shipping them back in 2014 and still ship them! 

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up? - They never were together in the beginning since Sephiroth is Cloud’s arch-nemesis 😂 It’s hard to even describe their relationship because there’s nothing sane in it. That’s why I also ship Zack x Cloud, it makes sense and balances the hate stuff what is happening in Sefikura pfft.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8? - LMAO I love how both of these ships have one who is immortal. Or ‘’immortal’’. Wade would have no problem with the virus since his healing factor is good and I bet zombies wouldn’t even care about Sasori since he’s a puppet. 

But I think they both would actually make it out alive. Peter is freaking Spiderman, he has everything what will help him survive (his spidey sense, being able to crawl on the walls/ceiling etc). Deidara would just explode everything into pieces. 

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason? - I don’t think they’d have a reason to hide it, but also I feel like they’d prefer to keep it behind the walls of their home. 

14. Is 4 still together? - 😔 Marco has been dead like forever. I’m still salty about his death after all these long years.

15. Is 10 canon? - Definitely not since they’re from different games pffft! Oh the joy of crack ship. But you know, in original Dissidia Kuja’s encounter intro for Mateus is “You think you can dominate me?” 😂 and honestly Kuja, that’s not something you should say to Palamecia

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win? - I honestly feel like Cloud and Sephiroth would win it. Sephiroth alone is a fella you don’t want to fight against because he WILL kill you without a hesitation. And since Cloud has Jenova cells in him as well, he’s not just an ordinary guy with a sword. If he can keep up with Sephiroth’s shit, being literally stabbed like a kebab in AC, I’m sure he can keep up with others as well.

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship? - Well Kaworu is literally one of the enemy in the series but he abandoned his mission and let Shinji kill him. He also truly loved Shinji, that’s what I like to think. He didn’t just play with his feelings.

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond? - Probably the top 5 since they’re mostly my serious-serious ships. The rest 6-10 are one way or another either for fun or something else. Sefikura is good source for arch-nemesis stuff and hate-sex etc (tho I’ve read sweet and great fluff about them too), Stony is just there with superfamily au, Spideypool is great and they’re both goofballs, Kamisero is more fun than serious stuff and Emperor/Kuja is just a random crack ship I happened to stumble upon suddenly out of nowhere. 

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page? - I used to but since I haven’t been active in snk fandom in a year, I’ve been digging other ships from Tumblr instead. I guess one of the reasons is that Eruri fandom kinda just... idk never felt so welcoming as some other fandoms? AoT fandom in general has been so fucking toxic through the years. 

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink? - Probably Emperor/Kuja because they’re just a crack ship and don’t even have a lot of content... even tho there’s this one fic what I absolutely love about them aaaaa. But yeah probably that or Cloud/Sephiroth because I can always ship Cloud with Zack ;D

My tags @repesso @thats-so-hambone @cybergutzz

[for-lovely-things]

Here it is! It's a fiction (1417 words) with couple of illustrations. If u have missed the first part, it's here. Pls, if u don't wanna read the whole thing, at least look on illustrations x.x

Cold hands

We were lucky to find the cave and even more lucky to find dry tree there. I carefully collected those and tried to make something like a campfire, while Inquisitor was sitting on the cold floor. His eyes was empty, he was staring at nothing, and I've started to worrying about him.

I've set wood on fire, so Ia'Ren looked at me, but then turned his sight on flame. There was barely nothing we could see outside the cave, everything turned grey because of endlessly falling snow.

I sighed heavily, "There's no way we can find any Inquisition soldiers in such blizzard."

"I hope Cas and Solas survived the avalage..." I could've sworn I saw pain on Ia'Ren's face, so I reached my hand to touch his fingers. He moved them away.

"Of course they survived, nothing would kill Cassandra", I say. Iari makes no answer, and silence hangs in the air. Fire crackles, but gives almost no warmth.

....

Ia'Ren sneezes loudly, nearly falling in flame right with his face. I'm rolling my eyes.

"Aaand you have a cold now."

"Just my nose itches", he says and immediately starts to cough terribly.

I look at his thin shirt, which doesn't protect his chest and neck from cold at all. "No wonder you've got sick, dressing up like this", I slightly shake my head in disapproval.

"So you think one piece of fur makes your outfit incredibly warm?" Ia'Ren throws sharply, and even wrinkles up his nose from irritation, so that I unwittingly, too, turn on heightened tone.

"Surprise, but it does."

His voice nearly cracks from anger, he tries to hold, "I was dressed like this, when I was alone in mountains, after Haven fell."

Rage and despair overwhelm me from those memories, "Oh, so thats why you was barely alive when we found you!"

My words echo from walls. Ia'Ren's gazing at me, and then stands up.

"Where are you going?", we are alone in cave, but I talk loudly anyway.

"I'll find something to eat."

I jumped up like scalded, "You what?! Wait!!"

My heart beats so fast. He doesn't look at me again, so I grab his arm. "Ia'Ren, we should not separate! Alone you will definitely die!"

Ia'Ren closes eyes and lands on his knees.

My heart loses a beat. "Amatus?" I say anxiously and land near him.

"I'm sorry." His voice is so quiet and sorrowful.

"It's I should be sorry, I was rude..."

"You just care for me."

Everything inside me crumbles, seeing him so dejected, "I do. You mean so much for me, Iari."

Amatus breaths hardly, like he is trying to find courage to say something. I just sit right with him, gently laid my hand on his shoulder, and not pushing him. A long minute passes, and he finally starts to speak.

"I was so tired then. I fell on the snow, but kept walking. I don't know why. I was ready to die, but I was moving like automatic. And now I feel that again. Like there's no reason to keep going, but I do."

I'm making a big effort to hold my tears. "Ia'Ren, I love you. Maybe you don't care, that the world will fall apart, if you die, but, please, I need you."

"I know. Thats why I'm still alive."

"I can't be the only reason you still live. It's not healthy. There's a lot of other reasons. You should think of them, ok? You would do this for me?"

Seconds seemed like eternity for me, until Ia'Ren slightly shook his head in agreement.

I helped him to stand up, "You need to go to sleep a little, darling."

Ia'Ren lies near to the fire and closes his eyes, frowning. Firstly, I want to kiss him to the forehead, so every wrinkle straightened up, but I decide, that it would be inopportunely. Move to the opposite side and watch intently, how light plays on Iari's beautiful face. Even in orange lighting his skin seems unhealthy pale, vallaslin's drawing scarcely shows on the face.

Usually Ia'Ren doesn't twitch his ears, but now he twitched the right one for four times already. Nervous, perhaps. He thinks about my words, then. Ia'Ren winces and turns away from fire, covering his head with hand. I stop looking at him, kind of respecting his desire to seclude, and switch my focus on flame.

***

Few people run past me, and I rotate my head hardly. 

"That can't be..."

"It's him? Truly?"

I'm the one of few to see this. His face nearly white compare with Cullen's dark-brown fur. Commander holds him in arms, because he can't stay conscious and walk no longer. It seems to be not hard at all to carry him, thin arm dangles lifelessly. I can't even tell if he breaths, but I don't need it, face of Josephine tells me everything. She smiles so relieved, she even touches his hair quiveringly.

I watch them passing by and disappearing in big tent. Everything that comes to my mind now is "He is alive". This thought shakes me and I'm nearly falling.

"This can't be. I saw him dying. Well, not dying, but... How did he?..." It's so warm inside me, I can't no longer feel anything, beside tough ground. I don't move, staring in front of me. "The only one, who seemed to like me was dead, and now is back to life"

I notice, that some boy in the hat stares at me. "Good things are the longest to live", he says and goes away.

***

I wake up from feeling, that I'm terribly hot and can't breath. Wipe cold sweat and raise myself, while Dorian's jacket falls from me. I gently lift it from the cold ground and then pay attention on its owner.

He curled up like a small pet, nearly cuddling with still smolder sticks. My whole body is aching, but I'm crawling to Dori and cover him with his jacket, carefully tucking it under him.

Despite I'm hot, I wrap myself harder in my leather coat and watch, how snow falls outside the cave. The entrance was covered with snowdrift in half of human groth, but flakes kept falling, turning the view into a white shroud. Nasty wind slid across the floor and walls of cave, howling loudly. 

I sighed hoarsely, but shook my sleeping partner.

"It's better to not lie here, draft is awful." I didn't recognize my voice, which became lower than usual.

Dorian opened his eyes hardly, rubbed them and focused on me with effort. He looks haggard and tired, he trembls slightly, but unchanging tenderness slips in his sight. I felt ashamed and turned away.

"How are you?" His quiet voice echoed through the cave. 

I wanted to answer, but my lungs felt like they were squeezed, and i coughed. Dorian stood up gently and approached me, moving my hair with slight movement, so he could put hand on my forehead.

"You're burning!"

"Maybe it's your hands are cold as ice?"

"Yeah, of course."

I silenced and buried forehead in my knees.

"Wait, I'll look if I have a health potion."

"Do you think that will help," I mumbled.

"Elven root helps with colds. Here."

He carefully placed the bottle in my palm, but  even so I almost let it out. I opened the cork with shaking fingers and splashed the potion inside of me.

Dori sat on his knees beside me and threw jacket over both of us. I covered our hips with mine.

"How do you think, will they find us?"

I rested my head on his shoulder. "Perhaps they think we are dead."

Dorian smiled a little.

"Oh no, after how you survived in Haven, no one will have any doubts, that we survived now too."

Wind howled again, but I still clearly heard the breath of my beloved.

"You was right." I squelched with my nose noisily.

"About what?" His voice like soft velvet went through my ear.

"I should've dressed better. I wouldn't be sick then."

"You couldn't have known, that it's gonna be so cold and there will be the blizzard. There's no point to blame yourself now." He looked beside yourself, "Wood is almost burned out."

Only one stick continued sparkling a little, the others became the coals already. I stared at it until it went out, leaving merely thin trickle of smoke.

Inside me was only exhaustion.

"I'll sleep", I whispered. "Okay", Dorian hugged me slightly, and I fell asleep.

[wearingmywings]

Destiel Meta - an outsider’s perspective

I’ve been reading meta for about a year, but now I wanted to add my own post regarding it.

I don’t really see things when I first watch episodes, I don’t get mirrors or parallels or pay attention to background details like wallpaper or neon signs or anything like that. I’m not good at analyzing things or interpreting it, not in literature nor film, I don’t do something in this area professionally or studied it. 

However, there are some things that jumped out so much that even I thought “Hey, that’s something!”.

Part 1: Mirrors

Seriously, mirrors? You’re telling me that it’s a known method to present mirrors to characters, that they can be used in subtle or totally obvious forms, and they can tell you a lot about the character that’s being mirrored just by existing? Wow that’s so cool!

14x300: In the first scenes when my friend yelled “Look! they look like Dean and Cas!”, I wasn’t 100% sure if that’s what was going on, but oh boi at the end of the episode it was crystal fucking clear. Three people next to each other, the one on the right taller than the others, one is wearing a jacket resembling a trench coat, one is wearing plaid. Trenchcoatjacket and Plaid are holding hands.

We noticed Plaid’s crush on Trenchcoatjacket the whole episode, it was so obvious! Hm, what else was there in resemblance? I remember the taller kid was pretty nerdy, and Plaid stole the Impala at one point, so it’s pretty clear we have Sam and Dean here, which leaves Cas for the last person, and it fits so well! Thats awesome!!

Apart from “Lebanon”, the episode ‘Mint Condition’ basically taught me how they use mirrors and that I should pay attention to them right now. They pointed out who was Sam and Dean, then resumed with the plot and I sat there thinking “Oh!”.

My friend explained to me how the ghost of that episode relates to John Winchester, and honestly if you follow the train of thought about mirrors that the episode presented to you, it’s pretty easy to get there.

Dreamhunter: The confirmed ship with two girls, ah yes! Again, I don‘t really pick up on visual cues or background stuff, but when Kaia said to Claire “I’ll go with you,” I had flashbacks to the season 11 finale immediately. I mean, using the exact same dilagoue? But alright, maybe they’re gonna keep playing it as a cute subtextual crush or how you call it, because neither of them says “You’re my crush”, so-

Oh, wait, Kaia was also stabbed in front of Claire who screamed “Noo!!”, that’s another striking resemblance. Hm.

Oh, Dreamhunter is confirmed to be a couple thing? Neat! So does that mean all the DeanCas stuff is romantic? Because y’all used the same dialogue and plot.

Part 2: Dean’s pining (season 11)

To be fully honest here, I didn’t understand season 11. At all. I didn’t get the whole Amara thing, why was everyone talking about pining? Dean told us that it wasn’t about desire with him and Amara, just a weird fixation, but still, the lady in the senior home told Dean that he “was pining for somebody else”. That makes no sense!

Unless it’s true? Dean didn’t pine for Amara, he tells us that, but everyone’s still talking about pining, therefore the topic of pining is important. Dean x Amara wasn’t romantic, that’s clear from what Dean told us and how he behaved, so no pining.

The only person left he could pine for is Cas. The dude who let in Lucifer, who Dean’s worried about, who Amara touches and she knows where Dean is? That’s..interesting. I’m still kinda confused, but some things are clearer now. No romance between Dean & Amara, but pining is still a theme, and only Cas makes sense. Got it.

Part 3: Cas’ endgame as being human

I wanted to include this because I’ve had this headcanon for years, then saw the meta community talk about it, and honestly there’s one scene to watch and it’d be clear that Cas wants to be human.

“We need grace-” “He can have mine”. 14x08

Alright dude, you’re so eager and ready to throw away your grace? Okidoki.

To go back in time, everyone always had these TED talks about how Cas loves humanity and loves humans and human things, that he feels stuff (season 4 yall, it’s been a while), that he compliments Hannah with things that “are human”. He doesn’t get along with other angels because they’re different than him, or they don’t understand his love and devotion for humans. He spends pretty much all his time on earth, around humans, because he loves them, and one in particular.

To quote Metatron, “He’s in love with humanity”. Do I need to add more? No? Fantastic, because this post is long enough already.

Part 4: Random things in no particular order

Episode 12x12, because come on. Some people took the gifs of Cas’ deathbed confession and connected them to the shots before, showing you where everyone’s standing, who Cas is looking at, and it’s so bloody clear. Don’t get me started on the singular vs plural “i love you” because I literally don’t have to, it’s right there.

“I could go with you”- season 11 finale. Cas, ready to die to accompany Dean on the suicide mission to save the world. He wants to ease Dean’s fear and be there for him until the very end, without hesitation. Castiel really fucking loves Dean Winchester. Wow.

That’s it I think? Those are the top things that jumped into my face when I watch the show, things I didn’t have to read other people’s thoughts on to understand what’s happening. :)

To finish this up I want to say something about meta writers. I didn’t start out reading meta, I didn’t really care for details and background stuff and took the show as I saw it, which is why I shipped Destiel immediately because there were enough things so blatantly obvious to me that I just had to. Then I found @tinkdw, then @bluestar86, @dotthings, @occamshipper, @postmodernmulticoloredcloak and all the other bloody amazing meta writers, and boom! A whole new world!

I started a series rewatch, read the posts for the episodes or seasons, paid more attention and there was so much to see and notice! It gave me joy in watching SPN in a time where I was kind of burned out because I had just discovered the bad side of the fandom and was a bit hopeless, for my OTP and the show itself. It gave me friends, and interesting conversations, but more importantly: These people helped me be realistic about episodes, upcoming episodes and PR stuff. “PR is not showrunning” was a strange concept to me before they showed me what it meant, and I vividly remember being in tears before all this after some PR material promised amazing things but failed to deliver.

These people are so good at predicting what’s going to happen because they read the fine print and understand it, pack it up and show it to us who either can’t read the fine print or dont notice it. They help fans to control (?) their expectations, to soften blind excitement over promo shots or interviews with people who have either no clue what they’re talking about (Jensen bby, i love you but what are you even saying?) or are purposefully exaggerating things.

They saved me from so much disappointment, they improved my fandom experience and changed my feelings for the show and how I watch it. There are so many interesting things to discover, things that confirm theories and explain plot points. I haven’t been disappointed in a new episode because of PR or rumors since I’ve met them, except ep 300 but that’s...a whole other thing. They were right about that too, though, and I didn’t listen. Catch me crying at four am because of it.

I love those people immensely, and I’m so thankful for them. They take the time to write all these essays about the show, all you have to do is read them.

A toast to meta writers! Consider this your personal love letter.

Kisses,

Jana