#so what was fact in one church wasn't always consistent for the next. so i don't know what 'category' within christianity i was in

[flame-shadow]

being a kid obsessed with dinosaurs while being raised christian fundamentalist (i think?) made for some very interesting moments.

books would say that dinosaurs lived hundreds of millions of years ago. my parents would say the earth was created 6000 years ago. so for a while, i thought dinosaurs were fake like dragons. and for a long while after that, i never paid attention to the estimated years because they were all clearly false.

books would say that dinosaurs evolved over their millions of years of existence, at some point some developed feathers, and that birds probably came from dinosaurs. the pastors and sunday school teachers would say that evolution wasn't real and that god created the birds as they are. i was confused and disappointed, because evolution made a lot of sense and sounded really cool to boot.

documentaries would show fossil sites and talk about how the rock can be dated. one time, i heard that god left dinosaur fossils for us to find as enrichment. another time, i was told that satan planted the fossils to sow doubt among god's followers. i thought it odd that some people thought god would want to trick his people with such an elaborate hoax.

years later, i heard someone say that god created the universe to look like it had always existed even though it was created relatively recently, and that's why the light from stars further than 6,000 light years have already reached us. i was reminded of the explanation of god putting apparently millions of years old fossils in the ground.

more recently (within the past decade and therefore i was no longer a kid nor a christian), i've heard the people who raised me to believe the things above reciting new "facts" that people have since come up with to explain away more recent scientific discoveries and conclusions. a few years ago, my grandmother had someone speak at her church, and afterwards she bought some of the books they were selling and shipped them to me. whereas twenty years ago, she'd have told me dinosaurs couldn't have existed, now she had sent me books about how actually dinosaurs were created 6000 years ago along with humans and all the other animals. these "facts" were corroborated by some other relatives next time i shared a meal with them.

they can't even keep their false facts straight because the old stories don't make sense anymore, even though the new stories aren't any better!

and i keep coming back to my early interest in dinosaurs.

the one that my mom was reluctant to allow me to pursue because of the perceived falseness of their existence. the one that i felt i had to carefully regulate what facts i expressed interest in lest my mom decide that dinosaurs were banned from being talked about the way pokemon was. and i was so so deliberate to pepper in the occasional qualifiers like "even though the bible says that's not possible, 150 millions years is a long time ago!" or "i know they're not actually going to turn into birds and this is just a drawing, but this one with the feathers does really look like it could become a bird someday."

thank god for dinosaurs (haha), because im not sure how long i would've been mired in such a closed-minded worldview otherwise. even though satan didn't sow the fossils in the earth, they did cause me to doubt the veracity of what i was taught.

[bingqiv]

Saw your post about the Doctor's outfits this series and yeah! It's fun to have him change every now and then but every episode is way too much. The Doctor always has An Outfit that's their signature look and it feels so odd not having that immediate recognisable signature. It's such a Thing that we've had scenes of quite a few Doctors picking their outfit post-regeneration.

Even if we look at someone like 12 who changed fits pretty frequently there were always core design elements that remained consistent across the board, so it felt like a cohesive look. His silhouette was basically always the same even when there was a change.

Besides, the Doctor's always been kind of out of place and larger than life so having one outfit sets them apart from everyone around them. As well as being a very good way of distinguishing between each incarnation and giving them a unique identity. Especially as the outfits themselves often give some indication of the kind of Doctor this particular regeneration will be.

Weirdly I think the outfit thing felt most glaring this most recent episode because the Doctor wasn't in it much. We got a whole wardrobe change just for that? I also feel like Ruby has carried over consistent design elements between costumes more than he has...

you’ve literally summed up my thoughts perfectly!

each doctor had a look that stayed somewhat consistent through their run. they had changes throughout their run but it still harked back to their initial fit.

they only introduced a second reoccurring costume for tennant’s doctor during season 3 and even that was just a colour change of the suit, tie and converse. it’s still identifiable as the tenth doctor. even during the 60th anniversary, tennant’s costuming was still very much in line with what ten wore.

with smith’s doctor, they only changed up his costume after the ponds left in season 7. but even then it still has the core elements that defined his costume (and era). they kept the bow tie, kept similar material for the jacket and kept similar boots. it is the same costume just spruced up a bit.

then you have capaldi. they kept a similar colour scheme amongst his different wardrobe changes and kept the silhouette of his jacket the same.

now if we take a look at the different costume changes that gatwa has had over SIX episodes. there’s been no real constancy (there was an attempt with church on ruby road and space babies that hasn’t followed through with the rest of the season). the costume change makes somewhat sense during devil’s chord (if you ignore the fact that the previous two outfits had sixties influences and would’ve made sense in that era). but i just don’t get why had to deviate with entirely different costuming for boom, 73 yards and dot&bubble. especially when the costume that his earlier promo photos had were so cool (the leather coat and striped shirt) and they could’ve had the blue shirt that was worn in space babies as an alternate costume.

i just don’t know why they’ve decided to go down this route since the doctor has always had a defining look that has followed through their seasons. whittaker’s doctor has such little variation in her costuming (which for all the complaining people had was very much a doctor outfit).

and you’re bang on with ruby having a more defining look than the doctor which is an interesting choice that rtd has made. especially as this season only has 8 episodes and we have at least one more outfit change ahead with the regency episode. i just hope they pin down a look for the doctor next season.

[0thsense]

8/8/2023

It's my birthday tomorrow. Everybody has left the south bay now. Martin, Reggie, Alex are all gone. I guess Steve is still here but he doesn't really hang out with us, or rather me anymore. I don't really know what to type here, as I haven't been thinking too intensely about too many things. The times when I'm doing worse are the times I'm more intensely in thought, so I guess I fail at thinking positively.

Anyways, I'll be 28 American years old tomorrow. My 27th year was better than my 26th year I guess. Definitely still in my bottom 5 years overall but hey its the first upward year in a long time. Maybe since college. I've managed to keep up gym and I've even started running which is slightly surprising. It's good because who knows what may have happened if I wasn't able to keep up gym. I'm planning to run my first 5 miler tomorrow. I have to wake up in the morning because I'll be eating with my family in the evening up in SF, mostly out of a feeling of obligation. I wonder if they know. I'm letting the fact that I'm not being lazy on my birthday feel symbolic.

One thing I've been telling myself is that I'm god's strongest soldier. Obviously that's not actually true, but motivationally it helps. It's one of those things that there's no harm in believing in the moment, and it brings me joy. Speaking of another thing that brings me joy, Lily and I agreed to go climbing sometime soon. She's willing to come down from SF for me, and seems genuinely interested in hanging out with me. I need to keep my mindset that I'm just trying to be there for her, though it seems I overestimated how depressed she was. Well, better safe than sorry.

I visited Yan a couple weeks ago along with Gerald. It was a spur of the moment thing, and the flight was expensive as a result. I honestly felt a little pressured into going. We did a lot of activities involving physical exertion and also hung out with his church buddies a lot. Yan is super into the culture there it seems. His lifestyle as a chad in NC honestly bothered me a little bit. He has more pride and ego than I remember and also some strong ideals about what it means to be a man, which I don't really agree with. I may be making judgments too hastily but I was disappointed at his treatment of Jeremy, a dude in his small group who seemed a little autistic. I wasn't able to express this to him. At the same time I'm glad he's obviously doing well for himself out there. According to society, I probably have no authority to judge someone who's found a lifestyle that works for them.

My next step should almost certainly be to make my sleep schedule really consistent. I'd like to sleep at 1-2am every day. The deadline for working on the game is fast approaching. I have less than 4 months left, and I've told too many people about the new york deadline. Sigh... I certainly have some mental block about coding. When I open the IDE my mood instantly sinks. I had the strange idea of treating coding like working out, doing reps of opening the IDE lmao.

Wow I thought this post would be short because I didn't feel like I had much to write about but here we are. I went to Ralph's wedding last weekend. It made me realize I've made a mistake, choosing the jolly group over Ralph's group. I just respect Ralph's close circle so much more these days than the people in jolly. They are more considerate and more secure, and jolly isn't even dank anymore. At the end of the day jolly has now devolved into a bunch of individuals who are either troubled or successful but unkind people. Obviously this is a bit of a generalization. Maybe I wasn't good enough to join Ralph's group anyways, or maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I might as well try though, since jolly in the south bay is pretty much dead.

Finally there's the issue of getting more involved with Austin's church. Unfortunately my experiences visiting Yan have turned me off even more from Christianity, but I really haven't given Austin's church a fair chance. The demographics are obviously very different so maybe it'll be a better fit, though so far my instinct tells me it's only a small chance. It'll give me something to do I guess.

[mindofasupernova]

The Inventor Part 2

Kaz Brekker x reader

Description: A killer is on the loose, eliminating Kaz's informants. In a desperate attempt, Kaz meets a certain inventor that has his mind racing, trying to figure out the complex puzzle she is.

Hope you like it, let me know what you think.

Kaz

A corpse? That's what she wanted? Did she think that he just kept all the bodies of his deceased workers in his room? How the hell was he supposed to get his hands on the corpse of one of his poisoned informants?

One day after meeting the young inventor, Kaz had sent Inej to gather answers to the Y/LN Manor. And just as promised, the girl had already identified most of the compounds, but due to "careless and messy manipulation", clearly referring to Kaz's pouch, she had been unable to determine a specific substance that acted as a catalyst. Inej returned to the Slat with Y/N's message asking for a meeting and a request Kaz wasn't exactly expecting.

According to Y/N, it was of the utmost importance for her to examine the body if she hoped to pinpoint the missing compound not to mention it provided a perfect opportunity for Kaz to tell her about how the poison had captured his attention.

Inej had returned later than usual, smiling and carrying a small brown bag that wafted a sweet and delicious scent. When Kaz had raised his eyebrows in question, Inej had told him Y/N had given her some recently baked cookies. He grunted in response and kept working, but his mind kept drifting back to the cookie bag and what that small act meant.

Inej was cautious but he also knew that she always searched for kindness in people. That snack could have been simply just a gift but Kaz wouldn't have made it this far if he considered all people as kind-hearted. Y/N was a stranger, a rich stranger from the highest of ranks of society who probably didn't care if Barrel rats like him lived or not. Y/N hadn't asked for a favor nor did she need money, she just wanted to know, that unsettled Kaz more than he liked to admit.

He had spent the day gathering information about her, her personal life, hobbies, and all the rumors he could find. He had found absolutely nothing that could give him an insight into the girl's intentions, he had finished empty-handed with the information he already knew: she was the only daughter of one of the richest men in Ketterdam, the perfect personification of a wealthy royal daughter, an innocent and pious little thing that went to Church with her family. Kaz scoffed at that, the defying look she gave her at their secret rendezvous accompanied with her enthusiasm for carving a corpse open proved she was far from innocent.

No, until he had more facts he wouldn't let his guard down. And yet, a small part of him yearned for her actions to be good-intentioned. Stop, hope is a dangerous thing. He had already made the mistake of hoping when he was nine and look where it got him.

Kaz returned his gaze to the papers in front of him, huffing in annoyance, he started writing down orders to get a corpse for Y/N.

_______________

Y/N : One day after the meeting

Y/N was quietly sitting at her vanity, a soft smile adorned her face, gaze completely lost on her new device when Inej, soundlessly crept inside her bedroom.

After Kaz Brekker had left the shop near the Church of Barter, she no longer felt the giddy spark she had when she left her manor. She couldn't blame Mr. Zhang for telling Mr. Brekker about their association, he was an old jumpy man who wished no trouble upon no one. She had left all the concoctions that Mr. Zhang had order, but she didn't show him her latest joy, she no longer felt as excited.

This new invention she had come up with consisted of a music box. But it was no ordinary music box, far from it. Y/N had noticed how most of the music boxes got damaged with time when the metal rusted and the music no longer sounded like a melody but more like a haunted house. So, instead of depending on metal to play music, why not use water vapor. Yes, she had spent four days perfecting the pressure at which each piston released the water so it was a perfect copy of one of the melodies in the Komedie Brute. Four days making sure that the amount of heat the flame distributed was enough to transform the water into vapor but not so fast it was gone before the song ended. And now, here it was, a vapor-based music box with a decorative firebird in the center that literally caught fire, warming the water below.

Mind too caught up on the mechanics of her own work, that, when the Wraith materialized from the shadows behind her, Y/N sent a rain of screws and nuts toppling down the floor when Inej's hand landed on her shoulder.

Wide-eyed, Y/N turned around to face the apparition in her room. The Suli girl raised her hands, to show she intended no harm and in a kind voice spoke:

"I'm not here to hurt you. Kaz Brekker sent me to check up on your progress."

With a sigh of relief, Y/N straightened relaxed her posture. "Why, of course, should have assumed Mr. Brekker would send someone. Please, take a seat. " with a small smile, she gestured to a plush burgundy armchair.

"As promised, I have successfully identified most of the compounds. However, I fear identifying the catalyst agent won't be possible unless I conduct a thorough autopsy on the unfortunate victim. The needle I was given was in an atrocious condition, too many foreign compounds had already interacted with it." Y/N answered, finishing with a hopeful tone.

Inej nodded her head and responded, "I'll let Kaz know, thank you Marchioness Y/LN." Inej turned around, making a bee-line for the window.

"You must not be thinking of going out in this beastly weather. Please, stay until this horrendous downpour ceases." Y/N quickly called back, wrapping her silk shawl around her petite frame, as if the thought of stepping outside was enough to send a chill running down her spine.

Inej hesitated, directing a fleeting glance at the crying sky outside, she resumed to her previous seat.

"Would you like a piece of Cinamon-coated Pavlova? I guarantee you won't regret it, the caramelized peaches are sinfully appetizing!" and before the Suli girl could respond, Y/N was rushing out of her room, the dainty patter of her heels clicking down the stairs.

Her room was exactly what Inej had expected: luxurious and overly grand. But there was something about it that Inej couldn't quite place, her room was tidy to the extreme, all the expensive perfume bottles lined up, gaps between that appeared as if they had been measured with a ruler. Nothing in her room showed a preference or indication of what she truly liked, at first sight, the room would have seemed like the perfect fairytale but now, upon close observation, the room looked generic, hollow, and cold. The spy wondered if all the riches were worth living into a life as impersonal as hers.

Y/N returned, carrying a tray full of fancy desserts Inej couldn't even pronounce.

"The baker proclaims himself a master of crème brûlées. I prefer his fruit-stuffed truffles, though. Mouthwatering" Y/N commented, gingerly placing the tray on her small mahogany table.

Y/N waited for Inej to take a bite out of the coffee tiramisu, after the Suli girl let a soft hum of appreciation, Y/N smiled and questioned: "I hope I'm not being too invasive, but how did you manage to climb all the way to my window? There are no nooks where you could have possibly held onto, you must have an incredible balance to perform such a feat."

And that's how Inej told her about her life as an acrobat, proudly sharing brief glimpses to her past, seeing no harm in the girl next to her. Y/N was more than happy when Inej started talking, she was glad the bronzed-skinned girl didn't treat her with timid whispers afraid of offending her royal title. It felt nice to have a normal conversation, being able to share honest opinions instead fake smiles and condescending words at galas, afraid that if the wrong statement slipped they'll become the next party gossip.

____________________

The morning after, Inej returned bearing Mr. Brekker's message agreeing to a nightly meeting where she'll be able to examine the corpse.

Saying that Y/N was thrilled, was an understatement, apart from a chance to put her brain to good use, it gave her the perfect opportunity to try a device she had specifically designed for creating an alibi while she was sneaking outside at unlikely hours.

Y/N hated piano. Don't get her wrong, it wasn't the instrument, it was the music, her music. Because for an unknown reason, her fingers seemed to have a mind of their own whenever she tried to. She admired the focus and dedication of musicians, she really did, but her mind easily got distracted thinking about her latest reading material instead of focusing on the notes. So, she had created a system capable of pushing the tiles as if her own fingers played the music. She knew it was wrong to fool her parents in such a way but it gave her a perfect cover to go in secret missions her parents would never approve of.

Proper ladies don't get excited over knowledge, much less probe in repulsive matters such as corpses. Look at you, Y/N, what would future suitors think if they discover you all cheerful over someone´s murder? The scandal! Zia Francesca's reprimanding voice resonated inside Y/N´s head. But she could care less about what the whole Ketterdam thought about her, science was her passion, and she would abandon it until the day she died.

Already outside, a navy blue scarf wrapped around her head to shield her delicate features against unwanted attention, Y/N waited for Inej at their chosen meeting point.

The sly girl slipped into view, with a grace greater than the one of a feline, leaving the shadows as if she and the night were one. With a brief nod, Y/N followed the girl into the awaiting hands of darkness. Leading her towards the Barrel, a place where monsters lurked behind every corner impatiently waiting to pounce any minute. Nonetheless, Y/N felt ecstatic, warm excitement pulsing through her veins, a river waiting in anticipation to break the thin modest facade she kept up to let her curiosity resurface in search of enigmas to solve.

When they arrived at a place named "The Crow Club", Inej went to get Kaz and some "others" and told her to wait. Y/N observed the lively atmosphere, seeing customers from different countries around the world when her eyes landed on a familiar head with wild red curls.

"Mr. Van Eck?" Y/N questioned in disbelief, the boy perked up at the sound of his last name, locking eyes with the hooded girl.

Never would she have imagined finding Wylan Van Eck down in the Barrel. She was shocked, Wylan supposedly should be in a music school outside of Ketterdam. Both belonging to affluent families, Y/N had met Wylan Van Eck at several parties. She hadn't gotten to know him very well, but she liked the quiet boy who shared the same look of misfortune Y/N had every time they were thrown into a classy social event. When his father had announced he was leaving to study abroad, Y/N was happy for him although she would miss being silently miserable together. But it appeared Wylan had been doing something far from studying, now sitting next to a tall Zemeni boy with his arm slung around his shoulder.

"Marchioness Y/N, I never imagined...W-What brings you here?" replied round-eyed Wylan, confusion, and astonishment written all over his features.

But before Y/N could respond, steps and the tapping of a cane interrupted their little meeting, Inej small silhouette trailing behind Mr. Brekker.

"So, you know Wylan?" he interrogated in that characteristic rasp, coffee eyes scrutinizing Y/N's form.

"Yes, Mr. Van Eck used to come to our social gatherings."

Wylan just nodded shyly while his long-limbed companion kept drowning shot like they were water.

Dirtyhands humphed in acknowledgment "Nice, know that we are all together let's go to...Jesper, I don't pay you to drink the bar dry. Get your ass down here and let's get moving so our dear inventor can examine the body, shall we?

"Wait, she is the contact you talked about?" the Zemeni, Jesper, questioned. Eyes going from Kaz Brekker to Y/N, as if this was some kind of joke.

"Wylan called her Marchioness? You asked for a royal's help?" Jesper asked, an incredulous mocking smile on his face. "Who are you and what have you done with Kaz?"

Mr. Brekker scowled at him and without another word turned around not even waiting for them to follow.

"Well, nice to meet you, my lady. The name's Jesper Fahey," he said, bowing down and kissing her hand, sending her a mischievous wink.

"Very nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. Fahey. And please, there's no need for formalities, just call me Y/N." she comforted, as they finally reached the others. Glancing at the rest while finishing her last statement, prompting the rest to call her by her first name.

________

Kaz

Y/N radiated waves of elation, her whole face lighting up at the thought of an adventure, a star amid the tumultuous dark waters of Ketterdam helping him find his way to the shore.

Kaz wore an amused expression at Y/N's amused gaze roaming the dirty streets of the Barrel, a new unknown world full of carnage and sins. She isn't fit for the Barrel thought Kaz, her eyes dancing in amusement at every little detail that caught her interest despite her efforts to put on a serious face and regal posture. She probably saw wonderous adventures while Kaz saw the Barrel for what it really was: a ravenous, savage beast waiting to swallow the weakest whole and drain the lives of the ones who survived its ghastly bites. And somehow the concept that she didn't belong in this world, his world, made Kaz's heart wrenched a little.

During their walk, Kaz shared the details about the latest killer on the loose and his dead informants, all the while, Y/N remained quiet, evaluating every one of his words.

When they arrived at an abandoned building, a single man was stationed outside, leaning on the tainted wall with a tired look in his eyes. Kaz nodded at the guard who gave him a set of keys and trotted out of sight. Kaz guided them inside, careful no prying eyes had followed them. Kaz turned on the lights, briefly disconcerting his companions, and pointed to a table with a big bulk covered by a dirty cloth.

"As you requested, the unfortunate victim" announced Kaz as Y/N placed a small suitcase she'd brought with her forensic equipment and tenderly pried the cloth covering the thing that once had been alive.

Y/N didn't bat an eyelash when she saw the corpse's face, not even when Jesper started gagging or when Inej turned around and started quietly mumbling prayers to her saints. Kaz focused on her face, the calm inquisitive look of a scientist, he had expected a gasp at least. Kaz was impressed by her cool analytical demeanor when a simple glimpse of the man was enough to send Kaz back to the ocean, rotting flesh beneath his fingertips. Kaz shuddered at the thought, forcing down the vomit rising in his throat.

"If you need an assistant, Jesper is willing to help" Kaz stated, stabilizing his voice so it wouldn't show his true feelings.

"What?! Me? Umm..no...I...Helping isn't a Jesper talent." Mr. Fahey said, a fearful look in his eyes, face white as a sheet. Kaz hoped he didn't look as terrified as him.

Y/N stopped her scan, looked up at the two boys, and with a small smile spoke: "I appreciate it, but there's no need. I'm certain I can handle it on my own."

Quickly discarding her coat and scarf, pushing back the sleeves of her rouge-colored blouse, and pulling long laboratory gloves over her hands along with a white apron over her head, she set up to work.

Kaz stared at her features, as she transformed into an eager forensic, light illuminating her face, falling in the right places giving her an otherwordly glow. Rebellious strands of hair framing her forehead, a pink hue staining her cheeks indicating her joyous state. The sight before him would have put any masterpiece to shame, Kaz wondered how she could stare at a corpse and find glee in such a morbid image. But Kaz liked it, the brilliant gleam her eyes portrayed, her childish joy at the promise of adventure.

The spell was broken when she started pulling out scalpels, syringes, and other items Dirtyhands couldn't bother to learn the name of. Pulling the flesh taught beneath her fingers, Y/N made a Y incision, skin splaying open.

Cold lifeless hands gripped Kaz's throat. his brother's icy whispers brushing his skin. He turned his head away and as if perceiving his discomfort, Y/N's bewitching doe eyes stared back at him.

"You can wait outside if you prefer to, I'll notify you when I'm done." her gentle voice reached and Kaz couldn't have been more grateful.

With a sharp shake of his head, Kaz limped towards the exit, Jesper, and Inej quickly following his movements.

--------

After Y/N finished, she eagerly started explaining her findings, a prideful gleam emanating from her.

"Well, Mr. Brekker I must admit this case is a peculiar one. The simplest ones always prove to be the most challenging."

"Here I thought that after years of fancy tea reunions you'd know the meaning of a vast number of words. I'll be sure to buy you a thesaurus." mocked Kaz, a wolfish smirk creeping onto his face.

The inventor frowned at his comment, racing her chin higher, and started her rant, thoughts racing to prove her point.

"Oh no, Mr. Brekker do not confuse simple and easy. Simple is straightforward, plain facts to the observer. Ordinary details are hard to pinpoint, effortlessly found everywhere, which makes it harder to find unique characteristics that could serve as means of identification since their nature is so elementary." Y/N spoke swiftly, pacing around the room, eyes never faltering from Kaz's.

"And that's exactly what happened in this case. As I had mentioned, my extraction wasn't entirely successful, for an essential reactant was missing. However, it wasn't the only reason why I insisted on examining the body, no, a very simple and ordinary substance appeared when I separated the poison: Helianthus annuus or more commonly known as sunflowers." Y/N paused glancing at their surprised faces, clearly pleased with their reactions, she continued, the corners of her lips tugging upwards.

"You can imagine my surprise when I found sunflower pollen as the main component of the poisonous agent. I ran several more tests and the result remains the same, our killer is using these lovely flowers as a weapon. Now, back to the catalyst, the easy part of the equation. This component isn't as fastidious as the previous one, why, you may ask. Well, its vast majority consists of average materials but a small percentage of it contains alloys that are only produced in Ketterdam, that combined with the peculiar way they were fused, suggests a Grisha alkemi made this solution." Y/N concluded, grabbing a piece of paper and hastily writing before she handed it to Kaz.

"There are no signs of struggle, meaning either they knew the attacker or they were taken by surprise. A swift prick to the femoral artery, a clear pathway for the poison to reach the bloodstream, infecting the body within seconds."

"It shouldn't be very hard to find the alkemi. They aren't very popular and most of them are indentured. Here is the list of all the reactants, the specifics, and where I believe you might find them. " finished the girl, looking at the trio expectantly.

"If you don't mind, I have taken a sample to examine more carefully at my house. I'll try to find any details I might have overlooked."

Briskly reading the list, Kaz frowned and then pocketed the small scrap of paper. "First thing tomorrow morning, ask around for an alkemi who might have bought these materials. "

Kaz turned to look at his fellow crows, content with their nods of approval, grabbed his cane, and sauntered towards the door. Her chemistry knowledge was astounding, a marvelous domain of anatomy, and an even more gifted engineer from what he had heard. Hers was an indeed beautiful mind, not that he would ever tell her.

"Mr. Brekker?" her light voice shattered through the gloomy night. Kaz craned his neck, gaping back at her in question.

"Is there perhaps a place where I might be able to tidy myself up?" Y/N questioned, Kaz finally looking at her messy red-stained apron and her exposed arms displaying strokes of red all over them.

Kaz hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should bring the girl back to their home. "You can use the restroom back at the Slat." The girl had risked her reputation sneaking out on ill-advised affairs to help them, it was the least he could do.

"Thank you" Y/N replied as she carefully peeled her apron, attentive at not brushing her arms against her blouse.

___________

Once she had freshened up, Y/N stumbled upon the young Van Eck talking with a couple. The green-eyed girl was about Y/N's age, a generously carved complexion, holding the hand of a tall Fjerdan.

Y/N inclined her head as a form of salute, "I never pegged you for the rebellious type, Mr. Van Eck. I never thought you hated music lessons that much to run away." she told him in a joking tone.

"And I never thought you were the type to sneak out at ungodly hours just to play detective. " Wylan replied, a grin beginning to form on his face.

"Well, I suppose everyone has secrets."

"You must be Y/N, Inej told me you were the help Kaz so desperetly needed. I'm Nina, he's Matthias and well you already know Wylan."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Inej had briefly mentioned them, she knew now that Nina loved food, maybe next time she'll bring those exquisite truffles she had so eagerly talked about. If there is a next time Y/N reminded herself, she desperately hoped so, but now that her work was done she wasn't so sure Kaz Brekker would ever seek her again.

"Well, you have saved me the introductions." Kaz sarcastically glowered at the green-eyed girl, Nina kept talking as if she hadn't heard him.

It was one thing for Kaz to admire her intelligence, it did not mean he trusted her, though. Pieces were still missing to the intricate puzzle she was and until that changed Kaz did not like the way she rapidly befriended his crows, her intentions were still blurry to Kaz, and even though he would never admit it he cared deeply about their well-being.

"You should stay a little longer, we could go for waffles as a way of thank you." prompted Nina.

"Your offer is very tempting, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass. I should be returning home." Y/N declined, grinning at Nina, blissful someone had invited her for waffles.

Kaz stared at her and wondered how many times someone had done something similar, not to thank her but rather to use her, so that such a simple gesture put her in a joyful state.

"Scared of what your parents may do if they found out the truth?" Kaz quipped once his crows had left the two of them alone. A teasing tone masking true concern.

"Terrified. Someone may notice I've been playing the same four songs for the last couple of hours, always missing the same notes every time and they might get ideas of checking up on me," she confessed, mischief coating her features.

"Good night, Mr. Brekker. I'm happy I could be of assistance. Please, let me know if you find your killer or if my experience is needed again."

Kaz just bowed, signaling for his Wraith to get Y/N back to her manor in one piece.

Both girls disappeared into the night, leaving Kaz pondering what the hell she had meant with playing the piano.

___________

Y/N

Almost two weeks had passed, no signs of Kaz and no visits from the Wraith, well not that she was aware of. Y/N caught herself glaring at no point in particular, she readjusted her expression and plastered a well-practiced look of keen interest, trying to focus on Lady Stathos' rant about the attractiveness of the Viscount of Chagny.

Y/N politely excused herself, with no intention of making a fool of herself if Lady Stathos posed a question related to her gossip.

Too busy drowning in her own sorrow, knowing that Kaz had probably captured the culprit and was happily celebrating his success and no longer needing Y/N's help, that she stumbled forward, barely catching herself when someone bumped her from behind.

When Y/N turned back around, searching for that someone, she was met with a sight she had only seen once in an abandoned warehouse late at night. One that made her mind scream: Helianthus annuus.

Mercher Dupont's eyes were deranged, veins gruesomely popping and blood spilling from his lips, before toppling in the middle of the dance floor, taking his final breath.

[lunar-lattice]

The Place Between Places

The Devil and a Jesus figure walk into a bar…

….or how Ryo woke in the place between places and met Kaworu, someone who knew more than a little about time loops, true love and failing your purpose.

AO3 Mirror / Fanfic.net Mirror

The last things Satan remembered were beautifully terrible and terribly beautiful things. First came the crescendo song, a song of praise and wail of suffering sung in a world-ending harmony. Then came a white fire that felt cold and hot at the same time as it incinerated the Earth, the universe and finally, Satan himself. And of course, the bitter smell of burning feathers.

But it was fading fast like a bad dream. All he could remember now was being uncomfortably warm but here, wherever here was, was pleasantly cool. Satan almost wanted to curl up with his wings around him and sleep. He was so tired and vaguely sad, for a reason he could not recall.

But something, or someone was watching him.

He stood, reflexively flaring his wings. His watcher sat a few feet away in a bench, hands clasped and giving him an inquisitive look. Seeing Ryo stand, he smiled and greeted him, "Hello,"

"Hello…." Satan trailed off, honestly the slightest bit unnerved by the boy. In such an empty place, he was out of place merely being there. But there's was something…off about him. He looked young, certainly younger than how Satan appeared. Whatever off about him was something more than his silvery hair, too pale skin and eyes the color of spilled blood. The boy hummed, "How curious…a visitor."

Satan ignored him for the time being, opting to investigate his surroundings. They were in a train station that stretched as far as he could see in both ways, silver fog obscuring whatever might be at the end. The walls and ceiling were glass, showing the outside was an endless expanse of space. There were too many stars in the sky. Satan would know, he was there when they were put there. An orbiting ring of what appeared to be blood moved slowly above, accompanied by the moon, which was cut in two and blood-streaked. If he looked below it, an asteroid belt was below them. Somehow though, the area was lit by an ethereal light, casting everything in an eerily normal glow.

"I haven't had a visitor in…" the boy paused, "…well, forever!"

"Where am I," Satan cut to the chase, his voice low and dangerous.

The boy seemed a little off-guard but it lasted for only a moment before he said, "This is the place between places, specifically time loops."

A ghost of recognition flashed through Satan, "Time loops?" he echoed.

Now the boy was caught off-guard. He blinked in confusion, "You don't remember? You're here and you don't?"

"If I did, I wouldn't have been confused," Satan snapped back.

The boy sat up, his elbows set on his knees and his hands pressed together as if he was praying. He mused, "Either this is your first loop or you've specifically been made to not remember."

Satan knew exactly who would do this. He couldn't sense Him here but that wouldn't stop him from giving Him a piece of his mind. He turned to the window, a snarl on his tongue.

"Wait!" the boy called, standing to his feet.

"I might be able to help! Granted, I'll be forcing you to remember and the other times someone like me has tried this it wasn't…" he grimaced, "…pleasant for the one being affected."

Satan walked up to him, his arms folded. "It can't be that bad," he demanded.

"I beg to differ—"

"Do it."

The boy grimaced but didn't argue. He raised his hand, it glowing faintly. He pressed just the finger tips to Ryo's forehead before the world exploded into an overwhelming white light, a chorus singing in triumph in the background…

…he was Satan, God's favored, Lucifer the Light bringer!

Or was he God's punished son, the Devil, thrown from Heaven for his transgressions?

The leader of the demons? A school boy? A professor? A snake? A friend, a foe? An enemy, a lover? Angel, demon, human?

Was he Satan or was he Ryo Asuka? Both, neither, something else? Who was he?

"My friend Ryo!"

He was alone, in a house that didn't feel like his own, demons prowling around the corner. He hefted his shotgun, ignoring the fear in his bones-

No, he was in the jungle. It was a hot night, not because the humidity but because a raging fire. He thought he knew this person but humans didn't look like that.

No, Hell was colder than he thought. This wasn't his ultimate punishment but it was one, nonetheless.

"Why are you crying…? I'm not crying."

"Yes, you are! You're crying too!"

His eyes burned, his cheeks were wet.

"No, I'm not…why? Why am I crying? There's no love or sorrow so why?

Why am I so sad?"

The neon lights were like a false sun, shining upon a display of debauchery that would fit more into the nine circles of Hell. The air was heavy with smoke and sweat and other things more unmentionable. His hands were sticky and warm, crimson red. Was this his blood or someone else's? Before he could ask, pain exploded in his side and then there was pain everywhere.

"I did this for you!

I made you into this so you'd survive!"

Everything hurt. Somewhere above him there was the tearing of flesh, the gnashing of teeth, the flapping of wings. The air was heavy with the iron scent of human blood and the sulfur scent of demonic blood. No…

Neither a man, nor Amon. Neither human or devil yet both. A violent union made to protect and protect it did but—

The world was panicking. The streets were full of violence and blood and pain. Were the true devils those of mismatched parts, stolen facts, bloodied feathers? Or were the true devils your fellow man? Perhaps, the true devil was cloaked in white.

He remembered who he was. Sometimes it was a flash, sometimes it was a stare. Sometimes it accompanied white light, sometimes it accompanied a rainbow of light. But every time, he came to the same conclusion. And he went though with it every time, over and over and over—

It's over.

"Why aren't you speaking?"

It's over.

"Don't leave me…"

Accept what you've done. Over and over and over—

"You're sleeping, huh?"

No, he's dead. Over and over and over—

Over and over—

Over—

"Akira!" Ryo shrieked, jolting away.

He stumbled only a few steps away before his knees gave out. He didn't bother moving from where he crumpled, wings wrapped around him as a shield away from the world. Sobs escaped him as his mind tried, and failed, to make sense of the visions. It was too much so it fixated on the final, most fresh memory.

Which was the corpse of Akira Fudo, killed by none other than Ryo himself.

How could he forget Akira, much less everything else? But yet, remembering hurt so much more.

When he finally recovered enough to move, he looked up. Where he had left him was the boy, fidgeting in place as if he wanted to do something but wasn't sure if he should. He babbled, "I'm sorry! I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't insisted! I should have known…"

Ryo stood, picking himself off the ground. "It's fine," he said, even though he didn't feel it.

Suddenly, he felt remarkably human and thus, exposed. He wished he had a coat. And as if a guardian of this place heard him, an outfit consisting of a white button-up, slacks and a white trench coat appeared on him. He chalked it up to the liminal magic of the place and offered his hand to the boy, "I'm…"

He paused, pondered, then made a decision, "I'm Ryo Asuka."

The boy's ethereal smile settled back onto his face and he took his hand, "I'm Kaworu Nagisa."

Ryo looked around the place and said, "Time loops, huh?"

He looked back at Kaworu, who smiled still and looked completely at ease with himself. He had done that weird thing to him. "What did you do to me?" he asked.

Kaworu turned his head to the side, "Remember?"

"No, I…" Ryo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "I mean, how did you that?"

"Oh! I used my AT Field to reach into your mind and bring those memories to the forefront. They were still there, just behind a block of sorts," Kaworu explained, as if he expected Ryo to understand. He did for the most part but it was obvious that there truly was something off about the boy.

"Right. Next question. What in the hell did you do for God to punish you?!" he asked, throwing his arms up. The boy looked fresh into his teens, memory powers or not! Not to mention, he looked like he'd rather catch a fly than harm it.

"Oh well," Kaworu rocked on his heels, "Not so much God as myself. I had a purpose to fulfill and I failed it because there was something else so powerful it overrode my purpose."

He sighed, his eyes dreamy, "I fell in love."

Right. Still, it felt eerily familiar. Rejecting a purpose, punishment and falling in love. Sure, love didn't condemn him to this fate. It always came too late for that. Still, it felt too close. "Are you an angel?" Ryo asked.

"An Angel?"

The two stared at each other. Ryo narrowed his eyes. "Well, perhaps a different kind of angel," Kaworu chuckled, "What are your breed of angels like?"

Ryo flared his wings as he explained, "Angels are beautiful and terrible where I come from. They look a lot like you'd expect except with six wings. I, however, have ten."

"So how you'd find on the stained glass windows of a church?" Kaworu asked.

"Eh, basically," Ryo shrugged, slightly insulted with the comparison.

Kaworu chuckles, "My breed of Angels? They're something rather hard to comprehend and I cannot describe us as a whole since we're all different."

"You're pretty easy to comprehend," Ryo couldn't help but snark back.

Kaworu furrowed his eyebrows, "Well, I just happen to look like a Lilim. Anyways, we're not so much biblical messengers as otherworldly beings."

"Aliens, got it. So why call you Angels?" Ryo sat back on the bench, folding his wings to have some semblance of comfort.

"Well, that's just what the Lilim ended up calling us. Bit ironic, considering," Kaworu explained as he sat by him.

"You know, you're awfully cryptic. How about give me the whole story?" Ryo asked.

"A story for a story. I tell you why I'm here and you tell me why you're here," Kaworu suggested.

Ryo pondered it. On one hand, he wanted to hold it close to his chest, as if letting it go would see any happy ending fly out of his hands. On the other hand, he probably should say something. "Alright," he agreed.

Kaworu's story started in the cold expanse of space, nothingness where most creation tales began. Except instead of a God, there were two different Mothers who landed on a planet they shouldn't have. The Mother of the Angels, Adam, was struck with a fail safe that rendered her dormant. With no opposition, the Mother of Humanity, Lilith, created the first life with her blood.

Fast forward to the year 2000, where a group of humans made contact with Adam, seeking the beginning of godhood. Ryo thought it ridiculous, humans achieving godhood. Wasn't God terrible enough? Kaworu went on, how this contact began the terraforming of Earth, wiping it of Lilith-based life until it was stopped. On that day, he was born.

Fast forward 15 more years, and the Angels were awakening, looking for their Mother. Most didn't want to harm humanity, only to reunite with their parent and to fulfill a purpose that drove them forward. Humanity fought back with weapons made from the stolen flesh of an Angel, the "Evangelion" which was piloted by 14 year olds. 16 Angels came and died and then it was Kaworu's turn as the final Angel, the Angel of Free Will. And by this time, there was only one pilot left to fight, a one Shinji Ikari.

Shinji, Kaworu explained with a dreamy expression, was a shining example of humanity in all their fragility. Kaworu empathized with him and in turn, loved him. When the time came to Kaworu to reunite with Adam, he had been duped. He came to a decision: to allow humanity and Shinji to live, he would die, at his love's hands no less.

Then he woke up here.

Then, as if he hadn't just recounted how he died, he turned to Ryo and asked, "So what about you?"

Ryo felt uncomfortable, not because of Kaworu's apparent casualness towards his situation. No, his story was a flip side to Kaworu's. Instead of sacrificing himself for humanity, he wiped them out. Instead of dying by his love's hand, his love died by his. Did he want to admit this? Kaworu's patient expression urged him on and suddenly, he was opening up.

Ryo's tale was more biblical. In the beginning there was light and from this light came him, God's favored. Before humans, before anything else there were the demons, the rulers of the Earth. But for humans to exist, the demons were deemed unable to coexist and God prepared to strike them down. Satan pleaded otherwise. He saw a strength in the demon's single-minded violence, a strength he argued proved they should exist. He wouldn't bow to anything lesser.

The fact he was cast out showed God did not agree. But this wasn't the catalyst.

The catalyst was, upon awakening with the demons, he saw humanity and decided to wipe them out before he went onto Heaven. So he wiped out humanity and was wiped out in turn. And it continued to repeat until he woke up here.

Kaworu found his story…lacking. He glossed over the final genocide of humanity and it felt like…he wasn't telling the whole story. So he asked, "What's the rest?"

"The rest?" an expression of despair flickered over Ryo's face before he made it forcefully neutral.

"You broke down when you remembered. Granted, it was traumatic but if you killed humanity with no remorse, you wouldn't have felt as bad," Kaworu pointed out.

Ryo's wing feathers puffed up, like an angry cat, and in one fluid motion, he stood up and turned to tower about Kaworu, "That was it!"

Kaworu was unfazed, "You can't bury what hurts where you think it will no longer hurt you. It will fester and rot and hurt all the more."

Ryo wondered what would happen if he swung at Kaworu.

"Let me put it more bluntly. Who is 'Akira'?"

It felt like everything stopped and Ryo drooped, his quick burst of righteous fury fizzled out. "How did you hear that name?" he asked.

"When you 'awoke' from your chance, you screamed his name," Kaworu's voice was softer now.

"Akira was…one of the few good humans. He was always there, always loyal and cared so much. He followed me and trusted me and I hope, loved me. If I asked him to follow me through Hell, he wouldn't have done it, no matter how frightened he was. I wanted to protect him but you know what happened?"

Before Kaworu could ask, Ryo practically howled, "I killed him! At least, with the rest of humanity, it was impersonal! Either they were collateral damage or a demon killed them or even their peers! But no, Akira was the only one," he glanced at his hands, imagining them covered in crimson, "He was the only one to die by my hand."

He wrapped his wings around him, cutting off Kaworu and the entire world. "Ryo—" Kaworu began.

"No!" Ryo cried, "Go away!"

There was no way to tell time here. The sky moved but it wasn't consistent. The stars winked in and out sometimes, changing color or brightness or disappearing all together. The moon, the asteroids and the streak of blood did not change, as static as those who stayed there. It was always lit in a twilight light, never going any brighter or darker. Kaworu sat by the window, humming a familiar tone, lost in thought when Ryo returned and sat by him. The angel asked, "How long will I be here?"

"When you're ready to return," the Angel replied.

Ryo sighed, "Figured as much."

"Don't feel bad, I'm not ready either."

Ryo looked at Kaworu. He was more pensive than usual, one hand pressed to the glass. "What happened last time to you?" Ryo asked.

Kaworu grimaced. Even the mere thought brought him back to it—the crackling of the DSS Choker activating, the eerie howling of Eva 13 awakening, the realization that he had failed all over again. And there was Shinji, hands pressed to the glass as he pleaded for him not to go. "I felt like I was closer than ever before. This time, he'd be happy. But, what I thought was our salvation was a ruse, and the world began to fall apart," one of his hands ghosted over his neck, "And I had to die to stop it."

It was quiet again until Ryo spoke, "Last time was…odd. It was similar to the first ever time, I remember that. But there were key differences, one of which being I didn't feel…as much. So in the end, when I realized I loved Akira and what I had done to him and the world, it hurt all the more."

He looked out across the expanse of space, imagining an intact Earth out there, "I'm afraid of what God will throw at me next time."

"You have an advantage. If the end of the world is your fault, if you don't go through with it, wouldn't He be pleased?" Kaworu asked with a tilt of his head.

"I….don't know. I don't actually know if this is my eternal punishment or merely a way to get me to change. I don't know if He'll give me another chance. The humans say He's a loving God but…I don't know. He wasn't all that loving to me."

Ryo paused, then admitted, "I'd hope He loves the humans enough to not wipe them out Himself if I refuse to. If that's the case, I'm my own worst enemy."

Five minutes or five years might have passed before they struck up conversation again on anything but reminiscing. "I half-expected you to be gone," Kaworu remarked.

At Ryo's withering glare, he added, "Not that I don't enjoy your company, I just imagined you'd be ready to try again. I was."

"It's because you're an optimist," Ryo shot back and Kaworu went silent, a true feat. Ryo would be lying if he said he didn't feel smug.

Kaworu shrugged, "You're right, I suppose."

"Anyway, I know what I'm getting myself into. I need to go sometime," he sighed, "Waiting changes nothing."

"Well, a lifetime here is not even a moment there. You can afford to wait," Kaworu said.

Ryo's lips quirked up into an almost, barely there half-smile, "Well, I'd like to see Akira. My last memory of him…." his expression fell, "It's not pleasant."

He shook his head, "I don't want to fail anymore. Akira doesn't deserve it."

Kaworu frowned, knowing all too well how he felt, "I can't fault you for that."

"No more waiting! I've leaving today," Ryo declared, not much longer after.

"Alright, I'll go then too," Kaworu agreed, with his trademark ethereal smile.

Ryo paused then realized what he meant, "Hey! Were you waiting on your ass on my account?"

Kaworu smiled wider, "It would have been cruel of me to leave you alone."

Ryo turned away, his pride diminished ever so slightly. Any other reply he might have had was drowned out by a long wailing train horn. Down the track came a golden light and rattling echo. A gilded white train rolled into their station and stopped. With a sigh, its doors opened. "Well, I guess you are leaving today," Kaworu commented.

Ryo approached it, apprehensive. This was it. No going back. Even if he felt unprepared, his soul must have known the truth. "Good luck!" Kaworu called behind him, having come to his feet for his farewell.

Ryo made his final decision and braced himself against the door. He called back, "Good luck to you too. Maybe I, er, maybe we'll get it right this time."

He turned and smiled, "I better not catch you here again!"

Kaworu was taken aback then laughed, "Alright, I'll try my best not to come back! I better not see you here again too!"

Ryo entered, a true smile on his face and the doors closed behind him. As the train left the station, he felt himself falling asleep. He hoped he woke up in a world where he and Akira could be happy.

Kaworu sighed but the smile did not leave his face. Despite his fear of failure, he felt his own silvery train would arrive soon. Maybe, just maybe, he'd get it right this time as well.

[kyunsies]

MADCH MADCH <3

hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?

YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.

OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!

so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.

i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3

TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD

AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD

YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?

hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3

firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3

but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;

also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333

and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')

and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(

LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3

OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)

KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3